Chapter 12: Doubts

After the news spread through Equestria of the Princess's agreement to aid Karkland, both nations wasted no time in beginning preparations. Ponies everywhere flocked to volunteer and help their neighbors in need. Newspapers called for as much help as possible for the coming days. There were some ponies, however, who were very skeptical about the whole deal and made their thoughts clear, though those were few and far between. The PCK had also been very busy in the short amount of time that had passed. Many small and medium sized camps had been built quickly, although most of the buildings consisted of tents and rough wooden housing. Then the refugees started arriving, hundreds at once in every boat load. Celestia and Luna had sent guards to aid the few PCK soldiers process the civilians and send them to camps. Most ponies were shocked to find the majority of refugees consisted of displaced families and many orphaned children.

Ponyville remained the quiet town it always was though. One camp popped up near it, but it didn't seem to be making a large impact. While the town resumed its normal routine I had been visiting Davian every other day to talk and train, reluctantly at first, but I had grown to see that he was just another human who had been caught in a war. I looked around the small shack that the masked man called his home and turned towards him as he began speaking.

"You have come quite far on your own my young friend, farther than I have in half my life. But as a pure blood you must learn to gather your strength more efficiently and... with subtlety," he finished, looking at me with a smirk behind his mask.

I realized that he meant the rage that builds up so often when I use magic, the rage that fuels my body to do inhuman actions.

"I don't mean to get angry Davian, it just..happens. But it fuels me, it makes me stronger than I've ever felt, and I just let it happen," I said in my defense.

"Yes I know Evan, for your element is fire. You are passion, you are power, but you can also be death," he said, looking into my eyes. "You wield it as a weapon when you should wield it as your own body. Know your limits, know its limits. Know the pain you've felt, know the pain that you can create."

I sat there for a few moments, pondering his words before a question came to mind.

"How many people have you killed before Davian?" I asked and saw his eyes immediately drop down. The question seemed to catch him off guard.

"Far..far to many.  Too many to the point where I don't think I can ever be forgiven. I can see the worry in your eyes young magi," he said as he looked within me. "You have committed the ultimate sin as well. But it has not become you."

I took a deep breath and let out a sigh as I recalled the soldiers I had killed in Juno. The murderers who lined up every man, woman and child and gunned them down without mercy. I remember setting them ablaze and blowing them into nothing.

"When does someone lose their humanity Davian?" I asked him.

"When someone stops regretting, when they start to enjoy it, when they no longer show mercy," he said instantly before pausing for a split second before he continued. "When they kill, just to kill."

I saw something in his eyes flash as if he was reliving a memory.

"I think..I think we can call today over with. Why don't you go back home, spend some time with your friends. Remember what I have said today, understand?" he said to me.

"Will do Davian," I said walking out his door and pausing before continuing. "And I think we both still have some humanity left. Thank you, Davian."

He simply nodded as I made my way out the door and back to town.

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As he watched the young magi shut the door behind him, Davian let out a mournful sigh and removed the mask so accustomed to his face. He walked over to his mirror and stared into it without blinking for a long time, what he saw was the shell of his former self. He saw back to the fires that burned, the explosions that deafened, and the gunshots that took so many lives, all because he couldn't stop it. He moved his hand across his scarred face, the mark of ultimate shame, a magic induced burn. The Order had given it to him after the town under his protection crumbled in seconds, and it was all his fault. He remembered how furious the Masters were, they told him his redemption was to ensure the survival and guidance of a newborn magi.

Something in his pocket started to beep and he pulled out his transmission node an it clacked to life.

"Is the Pure Blood ready Davian?" an old voice said over the comm.

"Of course he's not ready!" Davian angrily chuckled. "No one could ever be ready, especially just a kid."

"Then make him ready, your status and worth as a human are on the line. Get to it, we do not know how long the Janmori will hold back. Vastras out," said the node.

"Master, wait," Davian said urgently, as the feed stayed lit. "This is more than just a matter to guide him, he has what he thinks of as a family here. He is committed and loyal to them, as are they to him. If it came to it he would die for them, ten times over."

"They are none of our concern. Just make sure that he doesn't if it comes to that," the voice said.

"And where is the humanity in that master?" Davian shouted angrily.

"Humanity," the voice said. "Is exactly what the Magisters are trying to save."

The comm fell silent.

Davian roared with anger and brought his fist down on the wooden table, snapping it in half without the help of magic.  He brought his head back up and saw himself in the mirror again, an angry husk of the person, of the human he used to be. He thought of a young magi who lost everything not so long ago, who was about to have the weight of the world on top of him, and he could do nothing but watch. He then thought of young boy who was cast out of home for being born with magic, who lived in a corrupt and insane nation that was now bent on senseless murder.

"No.." he said to himself. "This one will be different. He'll have his own life afterwards."

His anger subsided and he grabbed his mask and covered his scarred face, reliving the moments that lead to it just like he did for the past eighteen years.

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As I arrived back in town, I was glad to see everypony going about their normal lives, not hindered by the news of the war or the camps in the least, it seemed. I remembered that I had scheduled an appointment with Nurse Redheart about my stab wound. It had healed up very well but would occasionally flare up in pain, and she had always taken care of me. I decided I'd head over there before I was stopped by a certain green unicorn.

"Hey Evan!" Lyra said springing out of nowhere, as the slight blush reddened her face like it always did when she talked to me.

"Oh hey Lyra, hows it going? Here to ask me on another date?" I said jokingly.

Her face now blushed completely and she dropped her ears down in embarrassment.

"Wha-uh..well...hehe," she paused and smiled faintly. "..maybe."

I chuckled at her reaction and gave her a smile. She had been taking me out somewhere nearly every other day and I've accepted every time, mostly so I wouldn't hurt the mare's feelings. I also found it fun and I was glad to see my company made her happy, even though she obviously wanted to be more than friends, I wasn't quite ready to make that large species jump.

"I'd love to Lyra, but I have an appointment with Nurse Redheart, gotta get the last of my injury squared away, is that okay? Maybe tomorrow or something." I told her.

"Oh well yeah of course! But if it's with Redheart you'd better hurry!" Lyra told me.

I paused for a moment, confused and said, "Why would I hurry? She always makes time for me."

"Oh, well didn't you hear? She volunteered at the human camp close to here to-," she started.

I cut her off at that point and said goodbye. As I made my way away from the hurt looking green unicorn I turned towards the Ponyville hospital and nearly sprinted to it, hoping to catch Nurse Redheart in time. Along the way I passed Pinkie, who shouted and waved to me frantically but I keep on my tracks, which of course she decided to follow.

"Hey Mister," Pinkie said, almost angry, bouncing alongside me. "Most people don't ignore their best friends when they invite them to lunch!"

I slowed down my pace to a normal walk and hung my head down, I wasn't getting rid of her so might as well not try to get away.

"Uh, sorry Pinkie, but I really have to talk to Nurse Redheart, she might be leaving Ponyville," I tried to explain, which seemed to work since she let out a big gasp.

"HUUH! I didn't even plan a going away party! Ohmygosh I have so many things to do n-" she started to say before I cut her off.

"PINKIE!" I shouted, and she turned to me with hurt looking eyes for raising my voice. " Oh wait, its okay Pinkie. A party would have been good on another occasion but not this one. She might leave for the camp that set up near Ponyville a little while ago."

"Oh, well why didn't you say so before yelling at me..?" she asked.

I couldn't believe that Pinkie Pie was actually upset about something, even more so since I caused it. I was about to apologize before she perked up again and shouted something to me.

"Hey! There she is!" she exclaimed as she pointed her hoof towards a white Earth pony with a bright red medical cross as her cutie mark who carried saddlebags full of items.

Pinkie and I ran, and bounced, over to the white mare and as we approached she looked and up and gave us a warm smile.

"Oh well hello you two! I didn't expect to have any visitors today," Nurse Redheart said, a bit surprised.

"Well now you have two, and one wants to know what the hell you're thinking going to that camp," I said, my tone void of any good emotion.

Nurse Redheart looked taken aback and Pinkie let out a gasp at the way I talked to her. She seemed much more affected by the way I did things for some reason.

"Well..." she started. " I suppose I should start by apologizing for not telling anypony."

I nodded silently and beckoned her to continue talking.

"But the reason that I'm leaving is because the camps need nurses and doctors. Volunteers have been abundant through Equestria, but not to this one so much. They're short on medical staff and I feel like I should do something. After all, one of my best patients is a human. So I'm also a bit more qualified," she said with a smile.

I finally let my angry facade go, which was replaced by worry.

"You don't know what you'll be getting yourself into, you will see things...you wish was never possible." I said.

Her eyes discovered my worry and she gave me a calming smile.

"I thought the same thing when I first met you, broken and hurt, in that hospital bed. I thought to myself 'What are you doing Redheart? You don't know anything about humans!'. But that didn't stop me from doing whatever I could to bring you back from the edge, and it paid off when I made a very good friend after that," she said.

I smiled lightly as more of my emotions came back.

"What happened to me isn't even close to what you will see though. I'm taking a guess that you have not actually been to the camp have you?" I asked.

Her eyes darted to the ground and she shook her head as she said, "I just planned on leaving and volunteering as quick as I could."

"That's not a good idea, especially if you end up hating it, but..." I trailed off in thought; Pinkie jabbed me in the ribs to bring me back, "I don't think you should go without proper knowledge. How about I go with you, so you won't be alone?"

The Nurse's eyes gleamed at the suggestion, "I think I would like that very much Evan, but what about the rest of your friends?" she said smiling at Pinkie.

"Yeah! What about us!?" Pinkie shouted, looking at me with squinted eyes.

"Ah, uh, I don't quite think that's a good idea. Pinkie listen, a refugee camp wouldn't be the pla-" I started before I was interrupted.

"Oh would you quit being so silly!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Remember what you said about family? 'They don't leave each other behind.' Well that applies here mister! I'll grab everyone and you two meet us at the library!"

With that, the pink pony shot off like a rocket, not giving me any chance to argue.

"Now why are you worried about me going alone, but won't let them tag along with us? You'll need company on the way back if I decide to stay," she said to me rather sarcasticly.

"I've never had a problem with being alone, and I've certainly never had a problem with any of them wanting to spend time with me. What I have a problem with is how they will react," I said, as she gave a questioning look.

"Everything humans do can be used in violence and warfare; we are a brilliant but destructive race. While we have had some moments of pure goodness, it never lasts. I don't know how they will take what they see, I don't know how you will respond, and I don't know if what they see will rub off on them and affect their image of humans," I explained.

Nurse Redheart walked over to me and prodded my sides to get my attention. "You're worried about them rejecting you aren't you? You're worried that they might think all humans have some capacity to become a monster," she said.

I gave her a sad nod at her statement; it was entirely accurate.

"Well then let me say, you are the farthest thing from a monster. I knew that the second I laid my eyes on you, you will never become anything like that, Evan. Now come along. I believe you are supposed to escort me," she said with a sort of sadness in her voice behind a smile.

She began walking ahead of me towards my home to meet the others while I stayed behind for a minute, looking at my hands. The hands that had already taken several lives away, both human and changeling, and thought on the white mare words. 'You will never be anything like that,' she had said. Before I began walking, I looked at my hands one more time.

"You're not a monster Evan," I said to myself and let my hands flare up in brilliant flames.

They swayed through the wind as I stared, waiting for me to cast them upon another soul so they could burn like the rest.

"At least not yet," I finished, as I made my way to the library.