Applejacks Restaurant
there is a video in the comment... note: its a long song... A really long song... But its just such a song... Just take it with a pinch of salt
it was late at night, in a bar in and around old Canterlot...
Spike the purple dragon sat up on stage... And began strumming his guitar in a series of flowing, folksy, chords... The dragon smiled at the little crowd that had gathered. He hadn't really planned to preform tonight, but being a dragon, a seventy six year old dragon just barley small enough to not be too big for the stage of the bar he sat on now, he tended to draw attention to himself. A bunch of drunken stallions and a few pretty mares had asked Spike for a story... So now here spike sat, holding a guitar in his claws like a ukulele... At least that's what the scale was... Spike being as big as he was now a days.
Spike settled into a good rythem and tempo, and as the little crowd quieted down, spike began to tell a little story, a true story from his youth. Not one of adventure or riches or anything like that... Everyone knew those stories already, they where legend... No spike began a nostalgic balled to his time growing up in Ponyville...
"This song is called Applejacks Restaurant, and it's about Applejack, and the
restaurant, but Applejacks Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Applejacks
Restaurant.
You can get anything you want at Applejacks Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Applejack's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Applejack's Restaurant
Now it all started Seventy autum feasts ago, was - seventy years ago on
Autums feast when my friend and I went up to visit Applejack at the
restaurant, but Applejack doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives at the
Farm nearby the restaurant, in the farm house, with her brother big mac and
Winona the dog. And livin' in the farm house like that, they got a lot of
room nextdoor in the old barn. Havin' all that room,
seein' as how they took out all the tools, they decided that they didn't
have to take out their garbage for a long time.
We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be
a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the ponyville dump. So
we took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a rusty red cart,
took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed
on toward the Ponyville dump.
Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the
dump saying, "Closed for autum feast." And we had never heard of a dump
closed for a feast before, and with tears in our eyes we walked off
into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.
We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the
side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the
cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile
is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we
decided to throw our's down.
That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a apple family
dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the
next morning, when we got a visit from a walleyed mail mare called Derpy. She said, "Spike,
we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of
garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And
I said, "Yes, ma'am, miss Derpy, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope
under that garbage."
After speaking to Derpy for about fourty-five minutes on the apple family porch we
finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down
and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to the mayor at the
police officer's station. So we got hitched up to the rustnred cart with the
shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the
police officer's station.
Now friends, there was only one or two things that Mayor Mare coulda done at
the police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for
being so brave and honest with miss Derpy, which wasn't very likely, and
we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out
and told us never to be see carting garbage around the vicinity again,
which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station
there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was
both immediately arrested. Hoofcuffed. And I said "Mayor, I don't think I
can pick up the garbage with these cuffs on." She said, "Shut up, kid.
Get in the back of the police cart."
And that's what we did, sat in the back of the police cart and where towed to the
quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want to tell you about the town of
Ponyville, where this happened here, they got three stop
signs, two police officers, and one police cart, but when we got to the
Scene of the Crime there was five police officers and three police carts,
being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everypony wanted to
get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of
cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer's station.
They was taking plaster tire tracks, hoof prints, dog smelling prints, and
they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each
one was to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach,
the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to
mention the aerial photography curtesy of featherweight.
After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Mayor Mare said she was going to put
us in the cell. Said, "You two, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your
Sattle bags and your bits" And I said, "Mayor, I can understand you wanting my
Bits so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you
want our saddle bag for?" And she said, "Well, we don't want any hangings." I
said, "Mayor, did you think Twilight or I was going to hang ourselves for littering?"
The Mayor said she was making sure, and friends she was, cause she took out the
toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and she took
out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll out the - roll the
toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape... Which was silly since Twilight could have teliported us away at any time.
But just making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Applejack
(remember Applejack? It's a song about Applejack), Applejack came by and with a few
nasty words to Mayor Mare on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back
to the farm, had a another Apple family dinner that couldn't be beat,
and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.
We walked in, sat down, the mayor came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten
colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back
of each one, sat down. Stallion came in said, "All rise." We all stood up,
and Mayor stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he
sat down, we sat down. The mayor looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the
twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows
and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.
And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,
'cause The Mayor came to the realization that it was a typical case of Equestrian
blind justice, and there wasn't nothing she could do about it, and the
judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each
one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And
we was fined fifty bits and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but thats not
what I came to tell you about.
Came to talk about the time twilights brother shining armor insisted I join the royal gaurd...
They got a building down In Manehattin, it's called Whitetail Street,
where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected,
neglected and selected. I went down to get my physical examination one
day, and I walked in, I sat down, partied with pinky pie all of the night before, so
I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. `Cause I wanted to
look like the all-equestrian baby dragon, man I wanted, I wanted
to feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all Equestrian dragon from Canterlot,
and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all
kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I waked in and sat down and they gave
me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the phsychiatrist, room 604."
And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I
wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and
guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,
KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and
he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down
yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me,
sent me down the hall, said, "You're our Dragon."
Didn't feel too good about it.
Proceeded on down the hall gettin more injections, inspections,
detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me
at the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four
hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty
ugly things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was
inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no
part untouched. Proceeded through, and when I finally came to the see the
last Stallion, I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole big thing there,
and I walked up and said, "What do you want?" He said, "Spike, we only got
one question. Have you ever been arrested?
And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Applejacks Restaurant Massacre,
with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all
the phenome... - and he stopped me right there and said, "Spike, did you ever
go to court?"
And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten
colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on
the back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Spike, I want
you to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W .... NOW Spike!"
And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's
where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the gaurd after
committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly
looking ponies on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father
rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And
they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the
bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest
father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly
'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me
and said, "Dragon, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay
Fifty bits and pick up the garbage." He said, "What were you arrested for, Dragon?"
And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench
there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I
said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my claws,
and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,
father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the
bench. And everything was fine, imwasmblowing smoke and all kinds of
things, until the Sargeant came over, had some paper in his mouth, held it
up and said.
"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-
know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-
you-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-
officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say", and talked for
forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had
fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench there,
and I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, and wrote it
down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the
pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the
other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on
the other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the
following words:
("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")
I went over to the sargent, said, "Sargeant, you got a lot a damn gall to
ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I'm
sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin here on the Group W bench
'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough join the gaurd and be a dragon knight, burn mares,
Foals, houses and villages after bein' a litterbug." He looked at me and
said, "Spike, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send your file off to headquarters."
And friends, somewhere in Canterlot enshrined in some little folder, is a
Pthetic little file with my name on it... And the only reason I'm
singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar
situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a
situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into
the shrink wherever you are ,just walk in say "Shrink, You can get
anything you want, at Applejacks restaurant.". And walk out. You know, if
one pony, just one pony does it they may think he's really sick and
they won't take him. And if two ponies, two ponies do it, in harmony,
they may think they're both colt cuddlers and they won't take either of them.
And three ponies do it, three, can you imagine, three ponies walking in
singin a bar of Applejacks Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an
organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty ponies a day,I said
fifty ponies a day walking in singin a bar of Applejacks Restaurant and
walking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement.
And that's what it is , the Applejacks Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and
all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come's around on the
guitar.
With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and
sing it when it does. Here it comes.
You can get anything you want, at Applejacks Restaurant
You can get anything you want, at Applejacks Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Applejacks Restaurant
That was horrible. If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud.
I've been singing this song now for twenty five minutes. I could sing it
for another twenty five minutes. I'm not proud... or tired.
So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part
harmony and feeling.
We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing.
All right now.
You can get anything you want, at Applejacks Restaurant
Excepting Applejack
You can get anything you want, at Applejacks Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Applejacks Restaurant
Da da da da da da da dum
At Applejacks Restaurant"
Spike finished up to cheers and laughs. the Dragon slid down from the stage and decided that he was tired and decided to walk home.
Spike might have been sad walking home all by his lonesome, in the dark...
the dragon was all grown up... his childhood had ended... Ponyville was still there, but spike never went there anymore... the mane six had grown old and left this world... but Spike couldn't be sad... he just hummed to himself, singing in a hushed tone...
"you can get anything you want, at Applejacks restaurant.
You can get anything you want, at Applejacks Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Applejacks Restaurant"
