The air was warm, the sun was shining, and everypony in Pokeyville was wishing they were having a glorious day. All the pony folk seemed to have nowhere specific to be. All except Brainbow Bash; her place was in the courtroom. She pictured herself objecting, presenting evidence, and interrogating witnesses, much to the delight of the jurors. Brainbow felt alive.
Suddenly, Bash remembered she had somewhere else to be: she had an appointment with Pukie Pie in five minutes. Bash was so lost in thought about her latest case that she had nearly forgotten that Pukie wanted to get some legal advice at three. Who knows what she could want advice for? Knowing her, it could be anything, though it was most likely patty-related. Bash knew she had a lot of work to do if she was going to win this case, so she considered cancelling or postponing the meeting. However, her lawyer’s pride got the better of her. Cursing herself, she took to the air and headed for Corn Syrup Corner.
Friendship is Overrated
Special Episode: Cupcakes are Overrated
When she walked into the store, she was greeted by a pink lump of fur known as Pukie Pie. “It’s about time,” she said, “I’ve been waiting here all day!”
“Sorry, I was busy with a case,” Bash apologized.
“That’s okay; you’re here now and we have a lot of exciting stuff to do!” she exclaimed.
Brainbow Bash was creeped out. She didn’t spend time around the patty pony much, so she wasn’t used to her quirks. She wasn’t sure getting used to them was a particularly good idea, either.
“Okay, I’ve got everything ready! We’re going to make patties today!” Pukie declared.
“…What? I put off some very important paperwork just to help you cook?!” the blue pegasus cried out.
“Oh, don’t worry. You’re so stressed, I’m sure you needed a break. Besides, I’ll be doing most of the work,” the pink mare assured her.
“Okay…” the blue pegasus grumbled.
(SPLAT!)
“What’s this?” she asked.
“It’s a sample; try it,” Pukie urged.
Brainbow Bash ate the patty. She had to admit, it didn’t taste too bad. She was about to compliment her friend when she saw a cartoony wooden mallet heading straight for her face.
When Brainbow Bash woke up, she found herself tied to a surgical table in a dark room. She noted the bindings were very well-done; she couldn’t move a muscle. Suddenly, Pukie pie appeared.
“Woohoo, you’re awake! Now we can get started!” she exclaimed.
“Started with what? I thought you said we were making patties!” the pegasus demanded.
“We are! I just need more of the special ingredient: you!” she explained with a smile.
“…You cannot be serious,” Bash deadpanned as Pukie uncovered a tray filled with various sharp tools (and a banana-scented jump rope, for some strange reason).
“Pukie, this is ridiculous,” Brainbow continued, “You do realize that ponies are herbivores, right? If you try feeding me to anypony, they’re going to have severe indigestion, to say the least.”
“They’ve never had that problem before,” Pukie pointed out as she flipped a light switch. Brainbow Bash gazed around the room at the various party decorations that had been generously provided by various fast food companies, each with their logo emblazoned on the items they had provided. Various painted skulls adorned the shelves on the wall. On one table, a severed head lay as though it were sleeping; it was wearing what looked like a pony-skin fedora. “Hey! Get outta here!” Pukie yelled, giving the table a swift kick.
The head woke up with a start. “Sorry,” it mumbled as the filly pulled her head out of the hole in the table’s center. Grabbing her faux-leather hat with her teeth, she drowsily stumbled back upstairs, closing the door behind her.
“Now where were we?” Pukie asked. She was now wearing a dress made of pony skins. I won’t go into details because then I’d have to give this story a higher maturity tag.
“You were about to release me so we can forget about this nonsense,” her victim replied.
“Oh yeah, thanks,” Pukie said cheerily as she moved to undo the straps. “Hey, wait a second! Oh, you almost got me that time, you clever little pony!” She then picked up a bird-like skull. “Recognize this? It’s you old friend, Glinda!”
“Nice try, but Glinda has a scar on her beak from when our biology professor threw a fossilized apple at her.” When Pukie gave her a quizzical look, she added, “It was F**kershy; don’t question it.”
With a shrug, the pink pony tossed the skull over her shoulder and moved to the knife tray, saying, “Okay than, enough of that. Let’s begin, shall we?” She picked up a scalpel and moved to her victim’s butt tattoos.
“Wait, a second; this is very unsanitary! You need to sterilize first. Don’t you know anything about surgical procedure? And what about anesthesia, or at least painkillers?”
Pukie groaned in mild frustration, but smiled and said, “Who cares about procedure? It’s not like you’re going to get sick from this when we’re done, and you of all ponies should know I’m not allowed anywhere near sleeping gas or morphine; not after last time.”
“Oh yeah; how could I forget that lawsuit?” the pegasus reminisced. As she was lost in thought, she hadn’t noticed the removal of her tattoos via incision.
“Now for your wing,” Pukie said as she picked up a rotary saw.
“You’re not allowed near power tools, either, remember?” the legal mare pointed out.
“Fine,” she grumbled as she tossed the saw over her shoulder. It flew with enough force to tumble up the stairs and through the door, which the table pony hadn’t shut completely.
“What’s this?” a young voice asked. It was Ayefone, Apple Peel’s little sister. “Oh good; I can finally be helpful!” she cheered as she took the saw and headed back to the farm. A draft of wind came through the front door as she left, its force closing the door to the basement.
Pukie, meanwhile, had picked up an ax and was busy hacking away at Bash’s wing. She gasped for breath, panting from the exertion. The wing was barely bruised. “I’m guessing you don’t sharpen your tools very often,” Brainbow deadpanned.
Tossing the ax over her shoulder, Pukie returned to her toolbox and brought out a brand-new saw. “Here, this should work much better,” she said. Then she started to wonder, “Hey, why do they call it a hacksaw, anyway? It doesn’t hack; that’s what I was doing with the ax. I don’t get it.”
“That’s not a hacksaw, it’s a hoof saw,” her victim pointed out. “See, it’s a big strip of metal with a wooden grip on one end. A hacksaw is a thin strip of metal bolted to a U-shaped frame.”
“Enough!” Pukie cried; she was starting to grow frustrated with her victim’s constant nagging. Without a word, she went to work on the wings, which were gone in seconds. Bash, however, didn’t notice. She had grown bored of this and was taking a nap, much to the pink pony’s further chagrin. “WAKE UP!” she screamed.
Brainbow Bash shook herself awake. “Huh? What is it, did I miss anything?” she asked, noticing the pony’s pink face was now red, and not just from the splatter.
Pukie Pie paused, taking a deep breath to regain her composure. She grabbed a hammer and a can of nails and went to work pounding them into Bashie’s hooves. When she realized the hammer wouldn’t go in, no matter how many times she hit it with the nail, she decided to try using the hammer to pound the nail in instead. “Ouch,” her victim protested.
Once each of her four hooves had a nail in it, Pukie hooked them up to a generator. “Ready for a ‘shocking’ experience?” she asked as she threw the switch.
A loud buzzing sound was heard as thousands of volts of electricity coursed through the pegasus’s body. “OOOOOOOOOHHHH YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH…” Brainbow Bash moaned.
Pukie immediately shut off the power. “Are you… enjoying this?!” she asked incredulously.
“F**kershy was my teacher. Don’t question it,” Brainbow replied. Pukie flipped the switch again, sending power though the blue mare for a few more minutes. “Besides,” her victim added once the power was off again, “I’m a pegasus. We get struck by lightning on a daily basis. This is nothing.”
By this time, Pukie was starting to get furious. Here she was, torturing a pony, and did she even cry out in pain? No! Not once! Okay, maybe one time, when she drove the first nail in. Still, she ehould be crying, screaming, and begging for her life. Instead, she was criticizing her methods! She even enjoyed some parts! What was with this pony?!
Finally, Pukie grabbed a scalpel and cut the pony’s abdomen open. “…and out comes the intestines! And I skip rope with them!” she joked as she demonstrated her quote. Brainbow Bash wasn’t paying attention. This was due in part because she didn’t find it interesting, and in part because if she had, I would have to describe the gory details, which would increase this story’s maturity rating. “You don’t like this, do you?” Pukie asked, “I can see it in your face… mostly in your eyes. I may take those when all of this is over.”
Finally, Brainbow felt her consciousness fading as the blood loss finally caught up to her. “What? Dead already? Hmph, that pegasus never was any fun,” Pukie grumbled. She began to ponder ways to desecrate the other pony’s body as revenge for being such a spoilsport.
“Aren’t you going to fill out my death certificate?” a voice asked behind her. She whirled around to see the spectral form of the pony she had just killed. “Now that I’m gone, that needs to be done. You should also contact my office so my will can be read. My parents should also be notified so they can make the funeral arrangements. Also, my body should be taken to the morgue so it can be properly embalmed, since judging by the way you killed me, you clearly aren’t capable of doing that yourself…”
As the ghostly pegasus continued to rattle on, Pukie screamed in frustration as she ran out of the building, not stopping even as she ran into the Forest of Doom.
“…What? Was it something I said?” Bash’s spirit wondered.
