Or, The Birds and the Bees
Or, the Birds and the Bees
Applejack was walking down the brightly lit summer roads of Ponyville, whistling a small ditty she had in her head since that morning and a bright grin was plastered across her muzzle. The orange mare arrived at the Ponyville school, the quaint little building nestled in a copse of trees that lent it a sheltered feeling to all who saw it. She sat underneath a birch tree that cast a bounteous shadow upon the ground, cooling the farmer pony slightly. A beam of sunlight managed to pierce the leaves of the tree and shine directly into Applejack’s eyes.
Apple trees are better for shade, thought Applejack.
Inside the school a bell began ringing and soon all the school foals began flooding out. Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara came out first. Their chins were high in the air and eyes shut tightly as they walked towards what they thought was there home, but was in fact a large oak tree which they proceeded to slam into with all the strength of an Apple family buck, but with their faces. Next came Dinky Hooves, floating a book behind her. Afterwards Snips and Snails staggered out of the schoolhouse, the two unicorn colts’ horns somehow superglued together.
“I told you to watch out where you put down the crazy glue!” shouted Snips.
“But you were the one who stepped on the bottle,” Snails retorted.
Snips scowled. “And then you went and tried using your horn to get this stuff off of me!”
“I almost got it off,” the thin snail-flanked colt replied.
“Yeah, and you almost didn’t wet yourself when Cheerilee found out we were using superglue for making a volcano. You disgust me!” Snips yelled as the pair rounded a hill in the distance.
Finally, Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo stepped outside.
Darn tootin’, it’s about time those three came out, wait, who’s that with em’? Sure enough, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were surrounding the young colt Rumble. Rumble was a soft grey-furred pegasus with deep, violet eyes. The three fillies were chatting a veritable storm with the pegasus foal.
“An’ then Rarity said to mah sis’ ‘Darling, Ah haven’t had near enough cider to make that sound like a good idea, Ah’ve had enough to make it sound like a fantastic idea!’” Applebloom said mirthfully.
“So Sweetie Belle’s sister really did it?” Rumble asked.
“She sure did,” Sweetie Belle answered, “she went and made a dozen apple-cozies before she passed out. Don’t tell anypony though; she told me,” at this point the white unicorn filly put on her most demure impression of Rarity. “let us never speak of this again.”
The foals burst out laughing when Scootaloo noticed Applejack smiling contentedly under the birch tree.
“Hey there Applejack!” the orange filly called out.
“Well hello there to you too, who is yer friend there?” Applejack nodded towards Rumble.
“Oh, uh,” Sweetie Belle began, “this is Rumble, he’s really cool. Say hello Rumble.”
“Hi Miss Applejack!” the grey colt complied.
“Pleasure to meetcha.” Applejack extended a hoof to the male pegasus. Rumble took it eagerly and began shaking vigorously. “But now Ah gotta take mah sister an’ her friends home for the weekend. See ya around now.”
With a friendly nod, Rumble turned and set off into flight. Applejack and the Cutie Mark Crusaders began trotting down the road. Applejack’s smile faded slightly in thought before turning her head to Applebloom.
“Sis’ Ah gotta ask ya somethin’.” Applejack began. “Why’re y’all suddenly spendin’ time with that Rumble character?”
“Oh, ah’m not really sure, we didn’t really notice him until today, he’s jus’ nice an’ all.” Applebloom replied.
“Yeah, he’s totally awesome, he just went up and flew like a dozen loops around the school during recess, that takes skill!” Scootaloo added.
“I really like his mane!” Sweetie Belle concluded, with the other two nodding their heads in agreement.
“Uh huh, Ah think Ah get it.” Applejack began nodding before looking down at her hooves.
“What’s wrong Applejack? What are you thinking about?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Nothin’ important,” the farmer pony replied, her eyes shifting to look upwards and behind her. They’re gettin’ older, should probably have the talk with em’, but Ah...
The four ponies reached Sweet Apple Acres and proceeded to the barn. The three crusaders trotted off talking about getting their Cutie Marks in carpentry. Applejack trotted out of the farm and walked to the library. When the tangerine earth pony reached the entrance, she nudged the door open.
“And that’s why diamond dogs are able to dig so quickly,” Twilight said. In front of her sat Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity.
When the door creaked the rainbow-maned mare turned around and exclaimed, “Oh thank Celestia! Applejack, you gotta get her to stop talking! She convinced us all to listen to her lecture about subterano-something-a-majigger.”
“Subterranean ecospheres,” Twilight stated flatly, her tone unperturbed by the slight against academia.
Rainbow Dash began clinging to Applejack. “PLEASE! she was talking about th-this thing! cordyceps fungi. It’s more disturbing than that cookbook Pinkie Pie gave me last Hearth’s Warming Eve!”
Twilight walked over and pulled Rainbow Dash’s tail to pry her off of Applejack.
“Come on, Rainbow, I told you that cordyceps only affects insects, you’re not going to be mind controlled by a fungus,” the purple mare said.
“Hehe, sounds like if the mushroom needs a mind to control, yer right n’ safe Rainbow,” Applejack chuckled.
“Hey! what’s that supposed to mean?” Rainbow Dash began hovering in the air and pressing her face into Applejack’s.
“Case in point RD,” Applejack responded to Rainbow’s continued scowling visage.
“Aww come on Dashie! You know Applejack doesn't really mean it!” Pinkie Pie bubbled, bouncing up beside the cyan mare.
“‘Course I do!” Rainbow exclaimed. “So what are you doing here anyway AJ?” the teal pegasus asked.
“Well, errr... this is a might bit embarrassin’ to talk about, but I suppose y’all could help me out on this one.” Applejack was shuffling her fore hooves on the ground. “Y’see, the thing is Ah think mah sis, n’ botha her friends are uh...”
“Are what darling?” Rarity asked.
“Is something wrong?” Fluttershy inquired.
“No, nothin’s wrong its just that--”
“They’re going to join the circus and bite the heads off of chickens?” Pinkie interrupted, eliciting perturbed expressions from all the ponies gathered.
“Now girl it ain’t nothin’ like that! Ah’m tryin’ to say that the lil’ ones are startin’ to take an interest in colts!” Applejack nearly shouted.
“Oooooohhhh.” Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Is that it?”
“Well Ah guess it is, but Ah figured Ah’d hafta have ‘The Talk’ with Applebloom.” The orange mare sighed.
“Wait a minute, ‘The Talk’? The talk about what?” Twilight asked, tilting her head.
Rainbow Dash smacked a hoof to her face. “It’s non-egghead for telling fillies and colts the facts of life.”
“Huh?” Twilight’s head inclined further.
“The manticores and the hydras? the birds and the bees?” Rainbow Dash offered. Twilight shook her head as it reached near Pinkie Pie levels of tilt.
“They mean teaching the girls about sex darling,” Rarity answered, “and I can agree with Applejack; they are getting to that age where they need to know these things.”
“Ah, I understand,” Twilight said. “Reproductive education, but isn’t that kind of stuff covered in school?”
“Oh um, Cheerilee isn’t really in a position to teach that kind of stuff, what with having to teach the younger foals at the same time,” Fluttershy spoke out for the first time, burying herself in her pink mane immediately afterwards.
“Besides, it’s earth pony tradition fer parents and guardians to tell their young ones that kinda stuff themselves,” Applejack stated.
“Then why not just tell Applebloom yourself?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“‘Cause Ah know that the moment Ah tell her, she’s gonna wanna tell her friends all about it. So Ah figured we should tell the three of em’ together.”
“We?” the cyan pegasus asked. “Who’s we? I’m not the sister to any of them!”
“But you are Scootaloo’s godmother, that means yer responsible fer given her a moral upbringin’,” Applejack replied, prodding Rainbow Dash in the chest.
“Well yeah but!” Rainbow exclaimed, “I can’t talk to them about sex and boys! That’s all icky, touchy-feely stuff, totally not cool. Besides, wouldn’t Applebloom already know where foals come from by being on the farm?”
At this point Twilight spoke, “Rainbow makes a good point, it’d be pretty hard to keep your sister from seeing a bull, ummmm... enjoy himself with one of the cattle in the middle of summer.”
“Well she knows a bit about the physical aspects an’ all,” the farmer pony admitted, “but Ah’m not really one to tell her about the emotional stuff, what to look out for in a colt to make sure he’s alright.”
Twilight nodded understandingly. “I see, well, if its that kind of advice you’re looking for Applebloom, Rarity would be all over that aspect.” The purple mare turned to her alabaster-coated friend who began shaking her head.
“I’m afraid I couldn’t teach those three about everything they need to know, I’ve … umm, never actually done it. I’ve been waiting for the right stallion all this time, and well, to be perfectly honest I’m not entirely comfortable talking about it, lady’s manners and all,” Rarity said, lowering her head.
“Well how about Fluttershy?” Twilight proposed.
“EEP!” was the only sound to escape the butter pegasus. Had she been a turtle her head would have been inverted. Had she been a tree as she had once wanted to be, she would have spontaneously combusted from the sheer heat in her cheeks.
“Okay, scratch that idea, why not have Rarity and Applejack teach each part of what Applebloom and the others need to know?” Twilight looked back to her other friends hopeful that this solution would be accepted.
“Oh nononono. This is a sensitive matter Twilight, and it can be embarrassing for foals to learn this. It’s better the fewer adults are present the better,” Rarity answered.
“Oh oh! Pick me I’ll teach the little tikes about sex!” Pinkie was bouncing about.
“NO!” the other five mares yelled in unison. Well, really just four, Fluttershy gave out more of a pitying whimper for the poor soul that had to listen to Pinkie’s explanation of ‘ploughing a mare’s beanfields’ as the pink mare had once called it to Fluttershy.
“Okay then,” Twilight said, “I guess I’ll tell them then.” The lavender unicorn began floating down various texts from the shelves. “Pony anatomy and biology, relationship books, fully illustrated edition of Kamare Sutra, various psychological books to determine that a stallion won’t be abusive.”
“They just need to know the basics Twilight, they don’t need to know the sum total of all things poon!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “There is no way they’d be able to digest all of this stuff!”
Twilight stared at Rainbow. “Well Spike understood everything perfectly when I taught him.”
“Oh sure, somepony who spends all their-- wait, what? You’ve taught Spike about the nasty?” the cyan mare asked.
“Well yeah, I hatched him when I was six, and now I’m twenty-two, that makes him a teenager by pony standards,” the Element of Magic answered. “I had to make sure he understood what others would be going through if he ever started hanging out with others. I kinda took the time to teach him about dragon and pony anatomy, including cross-species relationships, various erogenous zones--”
“LALALALA! Not listening!” Rainbow Dash had stuck her hooves into her ears.
Twilight scowled at the immature flying pony before her when Pinkie Pie shouted.
“Eureka!” All the friends turned to the pink party pony confusedly. “We’ll have Spike teach the girls about the birds and the bees!” Pinkie smiled.
As other elements of harmony stared at the pink mare as though she was insane, (Surprise!), Pinkie elaborated. “Think about it. Spike has been taught by Twilight everything there is to know about sex, he’s a different species that has lived among ponies all his life so he can give a detached, but understanding detail of all of it, including the emotional issues. He’s also only a little older than the girls are and so they won’t be as intimidated by him telling this to them,” The exuberant earth pony concluded to her friends, all of which were staring wide mouthed at her.
Applejack was the first to retrieve her lower jaw from the depths of Tartarus and spoke, “Pinkie, that might be the greatest idea ever, of all time!”
Twilight nodded. “Wow Pinkie, you really do know how to cut through a problem once you get all the facts!”
“No I don’t, the writer does!” Pinkie looked upwards.
“Shh, I already warned you about the universe turning inside out and exploding if you do that too often.”
“Oops! Sorry!” Pinkie giggled.
The other mares, having not heard a thing, shook their heads and decided to find Spike.
*****
“But I don’t want to tell them about that stuff! What if they think I’m some sort of deviant?” Spike protested, levitated along by Twilight as the group walked through Sweet Apple Acres.
“Come on now, Spike, y’all know the girls have a heap o’ respect for ya.” Applejack responded.
“What if I forget to mention something really important? What if they start asking me about what a bukake is? or a futa!?” the hatchling dragon questioned, squirming in the purple aura surrounding him.
“Aw, don’t worry Spike, you were taught by Twilight. I’m sure you know the answer to every question they might have,” Fluttershy reassured Spike.
“Okay, we’re here!” Twilight announced.
Before the group the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ Clubhouse (tm) was nestled amongst a grove of apple trees. The magical field surrounding Spike dissipated and he fell to the ground with a soft thud.
“Okay Spike, now go in there.” Twilight nudged Spike in the shoulder trying to get him to step forward.
“No! How am I going to explain this to them?” Spike queried.
“Just start with how you started when you showed us you still remembered everything I taught you. You do remember how you started right?” the purple mare smiled at Spike to bid him speak.
“Yeah, when a stallion and a mare really like eachother they-”
“Perfect!” the group cried in unison.
“See Spikey-Wikey?” Rarity added, “Just go from there and everything will be alright, and if you do this you can help me collect gems next wednesday.”
With the praise of his favorite mare, and the prospect of spending time with her, Spike immediately saluted and jogged into the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ Clubhouse (tm).
The Mane Six gathered outside and listened intently to the unfolding conversation inside. The voices of three fillies and the dragon were muffled, but strings of conversation could be picked up.
“Whadya mean he sticks it in cider? Cider is all wet and sticky if it gets on ya!”
“No! Not apple cider!”
“What do you mean a pegasi’s wings go hard? That happens to me all the time when I practice flying with Rainbow!”
“Oh sweet Celestia! That’s what mah granny was talkin’ about when she mentioned ‘rolling in the hay’?”
“Yeah that’s one way of asking a stallion-”
“But that was Braeburn she was talkin’ to!”
“What’s a clitoris?”
“A word the dictionary doesn’t know, now I’ve heard everything, except what S and M is supposed to be.”
The conversation died down soon after and the mane six began to relax.
“EW! Scootaloo tuck your wings back in! That’s just wrong that you think that’s alright!”
“I can’t help it, besides, your horn is glowing!”
“Stahp it you two just stahp it! I can’t believe mah friends start losin’ control just from talkin’ about... it... that. Ah’m glad I don’t have to worry about everypony in town knowin’ when Ah like what I- woah!” There was the sound of a crash inside followed by a moan. “Ugh … eeewww it’s wet an’ sticky!”
“Alright, I think that’s enough, if you have any other questions, please, hesitate to ask!”
With that the Mane Six saw Spike leave the clubhouse with a traumatized expression on his face. Rainbow Dash walked up to the purple dragon, smiling smugly.
“How’d it go?” the rainbow-maned mare asked.
Spike turned to her with a blank expression. “That was indescribable.”
“That good?” Rainbow Dash’s grin grew wider.
“What?” the purple dragon asked before realization dawned on him, “NO! Rainbow I would never do that to them!”
“I believe you.” Rainbow Dash answered.
“Me too!” Pinkie Pie added.
Spike breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you, now if you don’t mind I-”
“Besides, you would totally need special lotions to prevent chafing!” the pink mare added. Both she and Rainbow Dash then proceeded to roll on the ground laughing to their heart’s content.
Rarity walked up to Spike. “Spike, you did very well, and you have my thanks.”
Spike immediately started smiling as a blush tinted his purple cheeks.
“Think platonic thoughts Spike.” The element of loyalty said between gasping lungfuls of air.
Ignoring the cyan pegasus, Spike turned to Rarity and spoke. “That is all very fine and well Rarity, but let us never speak of this again.”
“Too late for that Spike!” Pinkie cried out, “the author already posted this whole story!”
“Stop that, Pinkie, a wormhole just flew by my head!”
“Okie-Dokie-Lokie!”
Spike walked to Applejack, ignoring the seemingly schizophrenic tendencies of Pinkamena. The young dragon whispered into the orange mare’s ear.
The farmer pony withdrew her head and chuckled. “Yeah, Ah’ll get some soap an’ water fer the clean up.”
“I would suggest industrial grade solvent,” Spike said, “for the floor and their brains.”
With their business concluded, the mares and Spike agreed to go their separate ways and prepare for inevitable follow up conversations with the three fillies. A few minutes later the Cutie Mark Crusaders walked out of their clubhouse.
“So... uh, anypony still want to try for a Cutie Mark in carpentry?” Scootaloo asked sheepishly.
“Ah never wanna step near a piece o’ wood o’ any kind for the next week.” Applebloom deadpanned.
Sweetie Belle then offered her own question. “Uh, do you think we should tell Rumble about what we learned?” When her friends stared at her she amended her statement. “Just the facts, not actually doing it... like teachers... in theory only!”
The orange and yellow fillies gasped out, “Cutie Mark Crusader sex educators!”
The three fillies soon galloped off to clean up, agreeing to reconvene at the clubhouse before finding Rumble.
