Gods and Fishing Lines

Chapters

I'm going to need a time machine
Multidimensional hair invalidates all arguments
No guns, and no Senbonzakura
There is no kill like overkill
Is this bench laced with contact hallucinogens?
Ponyville vs. Squirrel Jensen(Part 1)
Ponyville vs Squirrel Jensen(Part 2/Aftermath)
Nobody expects a transdimensional fishing line!
Go go Google Faustian bargain!
Come on big money no whammy no whammy stop!
Author Note

I'm going to need a time machine

So what means of communication would this unicorn use? Telepathy? Image projection? I've always wondered what one of those would be like, and if they drove me insane, what did I have to lose? Despite the fact I have never seen this unicorn before in my life, I'm probably insane right now anyway. Why not go deeper? So imagine my surprised disappointment when this disheveled and disturbed looking unicorn begins speaking to me in English.

"I've been waiting an hour for this spell to work and I don't have a lot of time so I'll make this quick. I'll give you my soul right now if you tell me where I can find a friendship problem."

"What."

"I'll give you my soul right now if you tell me where I can find a friendship problem."

What realm of eldritch abominations would consider this a reason to make a Faustian bargain? Shock spell, here I come.

"Sorry to disappoint you summoner, but there are two problems with that request. First, even if I wanted to accept somebody's..."

"Somepony's," the disturbed summoner interjected.

"Even if I wanted to accept somepony's soul, I don't have the power to do that. Second, I know nothing about wherever you just summoned me to. I have no idea where to find a 'friendship problem' in a world you just summoned me to that I've never seen before!"

Species specific pronouns? That's a new one. Then I noticed that my summoner went from merely disturbed to grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

"I can't believe I wasted an entire hour waiting for this spell to work. That's another hour till sundown Twilight, that's another hour till sundown. I got it! If I can't find a friendship problem, I'll make a friendship problem!"

She teleported away in a flare of light shaded like a red lightsaber, forgetting to dismiss the summoning. On the bright side, apparently the circle doesn't have a shock spell. On the other hand, my summoner is a complete sociopath. What was this crazy unicorn trying to achieve that would make a 'friendship problem' important enough to sell your soul over?

Wait, did she say she was only using that spell for an hour? That has very, very, bad implications. Luckily, I still had my dumbphone on my person, and though there were no bars, I could at least use the calculator to get an idea of the timescale between Earth and wherever this is before the battery runs out. If one hour here is six days on Earth, or 144 hours, that would mean that for every minute I spend here, I've been missing for two point four hours, and every second here is 144 seconds on earth. In the short term, this means I've got a lot of problems.

By the time my summoning is dismissed, I'm likely to be missing for at least a week, probably much longer, which would require me to explain where I had been if I wanted to be able to get my life back and have any chance of salvaging my grades. Explaining where I had been would put me in a mental institution. Coming up with a lie in this situation would be next to impossible. Not to mention I risk being mistaken for a bomber because I left my backpack unattended.

Common kidnappers are ruled out, they would probably do their research and find out there wasn't any profit to be had in abducting me. Psychopathic stalkers or serial killers would have killed me by now. I couldn't exactly say I spontaneously went to find myself, for 3 months, in the middle of the semester now either. None of those ideas have any potential as a lie right now, and any investigation if I attempted them would lead to me being charged with something. I was going to have a lot of problems when this summoning spell got dismissed.

Given my lack of anything better to do, I decided to try doing the math on my phone for longer units of time. If I remained here for an entire day, that would mean I'd be missing for 144 days on earth. I'd have been gone for months, and may be presumed dead. If I remained here for an entire year, I'd have been gone for 52,560 days. Divide that by 365 and you get 144 years. If I remained here for a year, almost a century and a half would have elapsed on Earth. While a chance at seeing the singularity within my lifetime is awesome, not being able to see it happen would ruin the experience. Also, I'm going to need a time machine to have any chance at reclaiming my life, and even then, I won't be the same Garrett who disappeared, especially if I'm here anywhere near that long. Maybe I should see about staying here? My world is rotting and the time difference ruined my life there anyway.

I did another breathing kata in an attempt to get myself back under control. This kata requires so little footwork that it's completely possible to do it on a wide enough stair. When I finished, I was still extremely moody, so I attempted to curl up and sleep.

A voice that resembled a clarion call came from above and woke me up. I couldn't make out what it was saying, but it was accompanied by a flash of light that somehow penetrated into the room. I heard a pop that sounded like broken glass as the circle stopped glowing and the runes disappeared. Whatever made that magic dispelling flash of light obviously had power. More power than any mortal being could possibly imagine. I didn't have much time to ponder the implications of this, because the silver cord coming out of my hand broke, and the stairs beneath me were replaced with the same wood as the rest of the floor. As I was rubbing my head and trying to recover from the fall, a new pain suddenly set in that I wouldn't wish on anyone. It was happening all over me, and quickly drove me into unconsciousness.

Multidimensional hair invalidates all arguments

My shirt was over my head when I came to. The pain had mostly stopped, but things felt... different. I tried shaking my head around, and my shirt moved with me, blocking my vision and keeping me tangled up in my clothes. Things got especially awkward when a benevolent and reasonable sounding voice started talking.

"Do you need help cutting your way out? There are things we need to talk about."

"You're telling me I can cut my way out?"

"Of course, your shirt is stuck to your horn. Just step on the bottom and look up."

Did she just say horn? Apparently something happened I need to see. Just what did that circle hit me with? After about a minute of awkwardness, I finally managed to cut myself loose.

A large, white, regal looking pegasus unicorn... thing with a tattoo of a sun on her butt was sitting outside the ruins of the circle with an amused look on her face. Her multicolored hair was apparently operating in multiple realities simultaneously for lack of a better term. Do not mess with things with multidimensional anime-colored hair, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Until I figured out a better term, the only classification I could think of was eldritch abomination.

My insane summoner apparently found a hairbrush, and was standing right next to her with a neutral expression on her face. After noticing the mystery eldritch abomination's tattoo, I realized that my summoner had a tattoo that looked like a six-pointed star in the same location.

My attention turned to myself as I tried standing up. My arms were covered in a bright shade of green fur that reminded me of the lines of code from The Matrix, and there were hooves where my hands should be. So at least for the moment, I'm apparently a green unicorn who's slightly larger than, Twilight I think she was muttering to herself earlier? Ms. Sunshine was definitely larger than me though. Hey, eldritch abominations can have innocent sounding names, ever heard of the Slender Man?

"You're probably wondering what happened to your body, and once we get introduced properly, I'll tell you. I am Princess Celestia, and this is my student, Twilight Sparkle."

Despite sounding like C-3PO, that statement started blaring alarm bells in my head. Never give your full name to a magic user you don't know the capabilities of. It's just like giving them the remote to a mechanism keeping a dagger in front of your throat. Also, do they have vampire ponies here?

"I'm Garrett, and I seriously hope you understand if I don't volunteer any more of my name to spellcasters I don't know."

Twilight looked like she was about to have a relapse, while Celestia still seemed amused.

"Garrett is fine, but you should know that story is only a myth. As I promised, here's what happened to you. My student's spell brought you past the Demarcation Line, an ancient defense from the days where your species could simply walk into Equestria. You may have heard stories about the deepest parts of the woods? Do stories of the fair folk still go around your taverns? There is some truth in those stories, though we are nowhere near the monsters you made us out to be. The weakness to cold iron was accurate too, although it's little more than a mild allergy today. Your species used to send warriors bedecked in iron armor into the woods to hunt us, thinking we abducted their children or some other ridiculous thing.”

“We established the Demarcation Line as a response. Any human who passed the line would be transformed into a pony until they were outside the line again. The hunters were cooked alive by their new forms being trapped in iron, or driven out because they could not figure out how to use their weapons effectively in their new forms. Peaceful travelers could find their way out with trails of luminescent foliage and floating lights that were established in the parts of our woods that connected to Earth. We thought it to be a fair response at the time. You will remain in that form until you leave Equestria unless you stay in an active circle that blocks magic. This brings us to the problem. Since reason took hold in your species, walking between Earth and Equestria has become impossible. We haven’t had contact with humans in centuries. I know the spell my student used to bring you here because she told me what happened, but I think she can explain it better than I can. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask."

I'm assuming she meant The Enlightenment when she talked about reason taking hold, but Twilight is explaining now.

"I summoned you here with a spell called Verdant Codice’s Transdimensional Fishing Line. It's supposed to extend a line into another dimension, completely at random, while tipping the line with bait that shapeshifts to attract curiosity from the inhabitants of whatever dimension it enters. Once the line catches, the creature is dragged across dimensions, along with a fragment of the nearby terrain, into the combination of a line projector and a summoning circle with an integrated banishing spell."

She looked at Princess Celestia imploringly, but got a nod implying she should continue.

"Princess Celestia's spell... broke the circle before I could dismiss you properly. The circle was linked to your dimension, and because it's broken, sending you back home is much more difficult. She was trying to fix a mistake I made using a spell from the same creator and book as the one that summoned you. It's called the Want it Need it spell. It enchants an object or pony so that they exert an irresistible attraction on every living thing of sufficient intelligence that looks at it. I enchanted one of my old dolls with the spell and gave it to Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and Scootaloo. The chaos created a riot involving all of Ponyville, requiring Princess Celestia to come here personally to sort it out. Your circle got caught in the spell she used."

"I've got a question about that fishing line spell you mentioned. What made a friendship problem so important that you risked summoning CTHULHU, tried to sell your soul to me, and started a riot to find?"

"Who is Cthulhu?" Celestia asked me.

"A fictional monster from the works of an author named H.P. Lovecraft I'm using to illustrate a point. Cthulhu is one of a group of creatures humans imagined, that are abominations onto the laws of nature. They are things that should not exist, but do. If the transdimensional fishing line snagged something like that, there is a very good chance that it would end all life on this world. So why would anyone use a spell that had a chance of catching something that dangerous?"

"It's a long story, but since you asked..."

"In this world, two alicorn princesses control the flow of day and night. Princess Celestia, who is standing right here, raises the sun, and her sister, Princess Luna, raises the moon. Slightly over 1000 years ago, ponies almost entirely slept during the night. Because Princess Luna is the goddess of the night to Princess Celestia's goddess of the day, she became jealous. That jealousy grew, and eventually developed into a split personality that called itself Nightmare Moon. Nightmare Moon refused to lower the moon, and Princess Celestia turned the Elements of Harmony, the magical artifacts they once used together to defeat Equestria's former ruler, Discord, against her. Nightmare Moon was trapped on Equestria's moon for 1000 years when this happened. The Princesses are the only ponies who have ever been able to bear more than one element at a time, and they were never meant to be used by a single pony. Because of this, the Elements turned to harmless stone, and were forgotten in the old castle in the Everfree Forest."

"I come in 1000 years later. When I still lived in Canterlot with Celestia, I spent all my time in the library studying, building up my knowledge but rarely using it. On the eve of Nightmare Moon's return, I found out about what was going to happen in an old book of prophecies, and tried to warn Princess Celestia about it. She sent me to Ponyville to coordinate the Summer Sun celebration. When I came there, I met my friends, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash. The celebration went as planned until it was time for Princess Celestia to show up. Nightmare Moon made her entrance then. We were all there, and we went back to the library where I explained what was going on, and how the Elements of Harmony could be used to defeat Nightmare Moon. I had originally planned on going into the Everfree Forest myself to find the elements, but they insisted on following me. We reached the Princesses old castle, and eventually realized we could bear the Elements as we reawakened them. When we turned them against Nightmare Moon, the split personality was driven out by the conversion of our friendship into magical power, restoring Princess Luna to her original self but taking a large portion of her power in the process."

Oooh! Alicorn rolls off the tongue much better.

"New question, is it normal for powerful spellcasters to develop split personalities here?"

"Luna and I are the only beings with enough magical power to make that a legitimate concern," Celestia responded.

Twilight started talking again. Well, I suppose I did ask her.

"Afterwards, Celestia gave me a new assignment, to stay in Ponyville and send her a report on the things I learned about friendship each week. This week however, I couldn't find a problem that would let me learn anything about the topic. I was so afraid of how she would react, I lost my sense of right and wrong, and I tried anything and everything to find something to write about. That's why you're here. When she came to sort it out though, the parameters of the assignment were changed. My friends are now included in the assignment, but there is no time limit anymore."

That's why she destroyed my life? This unicorn warlock completely destroyed my life and took away my two most prized skills in one fell swoop, all for the sake of her academic standing! I can't code in this state! Good luck using techniques designed for bipeds as a pony! Because she’s apparently part of a living superweapon, she’s got a multiple personality disorder prone Greek deity on her side too! Also, did I seriously hear a pun about Arthurian lore being used as the name of a city?

I was so mad I could barely think straight. I definitely had another question, but I narrowly forced it back down because I didn't want to bring it up in front of Celestia. The room started to get incredibly cold before I noticed the ice crystals forming on me, and because I didn't have hands anymore, it wasn't like I could do that kata again to get my head on straight.

"What's happening to me!?" I screamed.

Twilight shot me with a blast of something, and despite the slightly painful knockback, the room returned to normal temperature.

"Thanks," I commented with a slight hint of deadpan.

I then filled them in on the events before I was summoned, putting special emphasis on the fact that I saw the bait for 6 days. An old fashioned quill and inkwell floated over to Twilight in purple auras matching her horn's glow. A sheet of parchment blinked out of thin air and began floating along with them. The quill started writing on its own as she began muttering to herself. Was she... doing the math? She became more and more unsettled as she went on, until the parchment finally blinked back out of existence.

Despite the fact I hate her guts right now, my respect for Twilight just went up significantly.

Celestia was the first one to say something:

"So that's the current time difference between our worlds," she said pensively before she continued.

"I did not sense you lying, which means we have done you a grave injustice. Have you figured out the current state of the timescale between our worlds?"

"Despite the fact I didn't have any paper, I was able to work out the conversions on my phone before the circle broke."

"Then you've already figured out that even if a spell was worked out that could banish you back to your home plane, there's a very good chance you wouldn't have a life to go back to. My student asked me about letting you stay in her storage room until a banishment spell could be worked out as a token of apology for forgetting to dismiss the spell before we started talking to you. Obviously, this idea no longer fits the situation."

You're absolutely right, so what are you going to do instead?

"That's why I'm changing the arrangement. You can still stay here with Twilight. That part of the arrangement is the same as my student's idea. The difference, is that we will not seek a way to return you to your world unless you request it. You can stay here and build yourself another life. Hosting you will account for her role in this travesty."

What about yours?

"I'm sorry this happened to you, and I intend to account for my own role in this too. You will receive a payment of 2000 bits once I return to Canterlot. Further, I will grant any request for rare books from the Canterlot archives you may have that I would also grant my student. Your species is incredibly fond of vengeance however, so this arrangement will only happen on one condition. Give up whatever right of vengeance you may perceive to exist relating to what happened."

I guess billing the taxpayer is you're only option eh Celestia? How much more farked up can this get?

"For the sake of curiosity, what happens if I decline these terms?"

She arched an eyebrow before responding:

"You'll find yourself in a dungeon until we can find and use a banishment spell to send you back to your home plane."

What could I say? She had me over a barrel, and she was extremely right about just how vengeful we can get.

"Princess Celestia, I accept your terms."

"Then I'd like to be the first to welcome you to Equestria."

Before she teleported away, she said something incredibly disturbing.

"A determined traveler once presented me with a work by a poet named Dante. I read it, and that poet came up with more sadistic and monstrous punishments than I could ever imagine. Equestria is not that savage. Though you may have gathered this from my student's story about the Elements, I still need to say it. There are things that are possible here that may leave you wishing for the ninth circle. Things Dante could never have imagined if it took him an eternity. If you ever find yourself plotting your vengeance in spite of this arrangement, keep that in mind before you attempt to execute it."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Author's Note: When I thought about it, 5000 bits sounded extravagant and made little sense in the context of the situation.

No guns, and no Senbonzakura

An alternate universe version of Professor Quirrell once gave a fascinating speech about pretending to lose and animal dominance contests. If you take into account the speech about the planning fallacy and proper pessimism the Harry Potter from that same universe gave, then I should assume the impossibly loud-maned pegasus I just got into a staring contest with is Rainbow Dash. I probably need to find a way to pretend to lose, and fast.

If I tried pretending to lose now though, it probably wouldn’t be convincing, because I haven’t tried to seriously apply the idea before.

“What did you say?” Possible Rainbow Dash asked me.

I still kept the staring contest going while I responded, trying to keep whatever the pony equivalent to knees are bent(straightened joints are very breakable), in case the situation degenerated.

“Stranger, I asked Twilight if you make entrances like that regularly.”

“My name is Rainbow Dash! Who are you anyway?” She said exasperatedly.

Two things just crossed my mind. First, she forgot about it already? Second, that was easier than expected.

“My real name is Garrett. For reasons that would take a while to go into, you may hear me calling myself Binary Switch later though.”

“Why are you going to use a fake name? What kind of name is Garrett anyway? Are you a spy?”

She knows about spies using fake names but not “I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you?” I think I just saw Twilight facehoof before she interjected.

“You remember that summoning I tried yesterday? The equipment got broken and he got turned into a pony, and by the time a new way of sending him back could be figured out, he'd already have been missing for months. Not to mention, if he told the truth about where he was when he got back, he'd get sent to the looney bin. So, he's my guest.”

I think Twilight just glanced at me suggesting I go into those reasons anyway. Am I really going to need to do this 5 times?

“I’m actually a human from Earth who got turned into a unicorn. I’ve been told humans are mythical creatures here, and that this world has enchantments that turn them into ponies. If you hadn’t known about Twilight’s summoning, would you believe me?”

“I’d tell you to prove it.”

“That’s the first reason I’m thinking about using that name.”

You go around doing anything that some people think is a summoning on Earth and you become a social pariah AT BEST. It probably gets even worse if your summoning could get actually get something, and Cthulhu is on that list of somethings.

“Twilight, my other reason depends on your response to this question. How does unicorn teleportation work? Can one unicorn bring others along with them?”

“It takes power just to teleport yourself, and the more you bring with you, the more draining it is. One unicorn can teleport further alone than with another pony, though it’s completely possible for a unicorn simply to teleport another pony without teleporting themselves.”

“You’ve already told me this is unlikely Twilight, but it’s still something I want to take into account. I’m assuming in the unlikely scenario that an angry mob surrounds and attacks the library over the summoning, I’d be included in the group teleportation you’d use to get Spike and yourself away. Despite this, it would be extremely rude if I tested your hospitality by doing anything that risked bringing an angry mob here, especially with the reduced teleportation distance. That’s why I should call myself Binary Switch with anypony who doesn’t know about the summoning. For lack of any better ideas, maybe I could say I’m a foreign scholar?”

Hospitality can be very SERIOUS BUSINESS. I don't know if Ponies have an Old Testament outlook on hospitality. No matter how disturbed I may be if they do, I don’t want to insult the gesture.

“Now that, would tell me you aren’t from around here. You forgot me! If a mob showed up here, I’d be there in ten seconds flat! By the way, why would Twilight have to worry about an angry mob?”

Someone’s got a high opinion of herself. She doesn’t seem like the type who’d be fruity nutty oaty bar level dangerous, but I’ve been wrong before.

“Her summoning could have brought a world destroying monster into the world that would have considered her containment measures trivial because it dangles shapeshifting bait into a random dimension.”

“We already beat two of those. Everypony knows that,” Rainbow Dash responded.

“You’re calm about this because you have the resources to do something if one shows up.”

“The hypothetical angry mob wouldn’t be able to do much if a world destroying monster shows up, so they’d just try not to think about it. They’d worry about the thing they could do something about instead, the summoner. At least on Earth, if word got out that there was a summoner in the neighborhood with the resources to potentially cause the apocalypse, it would cause a panic.”

“Did somepony say panic? Oh, I’ll go first!” A hyperactive voice said from right behind me.

I jumped, because there’s a pink pony with a mane as inflated as her balloon cutie mark running around screaming behind me for no reason. Despite startling me, this is still the strangest variation of Chandler’s law I’ve ever seen, and that’s just awesome.

When she finished screaming, she proceeded to start looking around. Then she started staring at me. Did she really just notice me?

“Hi I’m Pinkie Pie and you must be the human Twilight summoned yesterday! What’s your name? Do you like cupcakes because I looooooooooooovvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeee cupcakes!

Holy instant transmission Batman, she got right in my face before I saw her move. I wonder how her speed would compare to an unobserved Slender Man.

Well, she saved me a repetition of how I got here, so Pinkie Pie is awesome.

“It’s Garrett, but Binary Switch is fine too.”

“Okie dokie loki!”

Did any ancient culture NOT cross the Demarcation line and Pinkie Pie just barged out of the library before I could say anything about the cupcakes.

“So where did she come from, and why did she leave before I said anything about cupcakes?”

“Don’t ask, whatever you find will make absolutely no sense.” was all Twilight had to say.

Well, I lost my train of thought.

“Do either of you remember what we were just talking about?”

“Beats me,” was all Rainbow had to say.

“Oh yeah, now I remember. You were saying that a summoning spell that could get something like Discord would cause a panic and that’s why you should use a fake name. I just realized why it’s completely unnecessary. We are probably the only ponies for miles who know a summoning spell that targets at random even exists. Anyway, that argument doesn’t really matter anymore.”

So strategic vagueness on how I got here would have been fine the whole time? It’s been said that the best way to avoid the planning fallacy when you don’t have a lot of information requires being pessimistic enough that real life comes out better than you expected as often as it comes out worse. Well, I don’t have a problem with it coming out better, it beats the alternative.

“Why doesn’t it matter? Also, who’s Discord, and was he the other world destroying monster Rainbow Dash was talking about?”

Rainbow Dash answered me.

“It doesn’t matter because Pinkie Pie’s throwing you a surprise party. Discord’s a transforming dragon snake griffin thing that likes making clouds out of cotton candy that make chocolate rain, but he likes messing with ponies heads with magic a lot more than that. You don’t have to worry; we beat him with the Elements of Harmony so he’s just a statue now.”

I can feel the history crashing through my veins. I’m probably smiling more right now than I have ever since I got summoned. I was probably giggling in some ridiculous way too.

“Did the chocolate rain raise neighborhood insurance rates?”

“Yep, but nopony really wants to hear about it right now. My best friends and I began fighting like crazy when we were trying to stop Discord because he really messed with our heads. We fought like we didn’t know each other until we snapped out of it. Discord is probably the closest thing in Equestria to this ‘Cthulhu’ you were talking about earlier,” Twilight answered.

I seriously hope I had a good poker face back there, but even if I didn’t, that was completely worth it. On the other hand, I’m existing in the same universe as an eldritch abomination. I never thought there would be anything that could make me ask for a blue pill, but HOLY SHIT that almost makes me want one.

“Garrett, why did you just make a blue pill?” Rainbow Dash asked me.

There’s a blue pill floating in a reddish brown glow right in front of me. I apparently developed a new sense for magical energy too, because I started becoming extremely aware of the energy flowing into my horn, and manifesting as the aura around the pill.

“You’re telling me I made this come out of nowhere?”

Luckily, Twilight had an infodump handy.

“You unconsciously used a simple creation spell to make that pill come out of nowhere. I used one to get parchment to calculate the time difference last night. Try moving it around while I explain how they work.”

“Why are you explaining this Twilight?” Rainbow asked

“Earth doesn’t have actual magic, so he’s new.”

Twilight’s infodump had several important points. Creation spells create a drain on your magical energy to bring an object into existence that stops when you make the object disappear. The more matter you create, the more drain there is on your magical energy. It takes tremendous practice to be able to conjure anything outside of your line of sight. If matter you create experiences a chemical reaction, the energy of the reaction is drained from you. If created matter experiences a chemical reaction with another casters created matter, they both experience increased energy drain. You need to be aware of every part of a mechanism to make a working one with a creation spell. Conjuring something farther away from you is much harder than conjuring it close to you. Attempting to conjure an object in the middle of another unicorn’s created object can disrupt the object if the other unicorn has a weaker will then yours. Created objects are extremely easy for their creator to enchant, but adding enchantments drains your magical energy further. Finally, and this is just as important as what she was saying about chemical reactions, trying to create and control too many things at once is hazardous to a unicorns sanity. If my cutie mark is related to this kind of magic, it would be a very good idea to see how I am at enchanting things. She mentioned that if I could enchant things, I may want to see Rarity about a possible moneymaking opportunity.

Rainbow Dash had left a while ago. I wish I had remembered to bring up Karate, but magic is more important right now. If I can enchant, I may have just won the lottery. Magic items are always sold for large amounts of money, so finding out I may be able to enchant things is just awesome.

As I continued moving the pill around, two obvious things not to make with creation spells registered in my head. Don’t make a gun, and don’t make Senbonzakura. Maybe I should see about getting a blue trenchcoat instead of a black one? NO. Down that road lies madness. Speaking of madness…

“So does Pinkie Pie throw a surprise party for everyone who’s new in town?”

“She threw me one when I came here, trust me, you will not see it coming. You gave her two names though, so I’m curious to see what she puts on the invitations. That’s what I meant when I said the earlier argument doesn’t matter anymore. Everypony in town probably knows at least one of your names by now.”

Apparently ponies don’t practice Old Testament hospitality, but instead something much stranger and yet less disturbing. This could get interesting.

There is no kill like overkill

I’m not the type who usually goes to parties, and I’ve never gotten a surprise party. I tend to end up pacing around aimlessly for lack of knowing most of the people there or not being able to find an opening to insert myself into a conversation. Which is why if I’m not pacing, I’m usually reading someplace out of the way, or the host is willing to let me use their computer, or some other thing like that. Pick two things, grades, a social life, and sleep. Do you get where I’m going with this?

So of course the pink pony who either has Batman level ninja skills or the ability to slenderwalk decides to throw me a surprise party. I like that she saved me from needing to make an explanation, but couldn’t whatever eldritch forces or deductive skills that make her tick tell her I’ve never enjoyed the parties I’ve been to while they were at it?. She’d be right at home in Wonderland. Of course, objects can appear out of thin air on a whim, so where I am may as well be Wonderland. Of course, if I can blink objects into existence from thin air, other unicorns can do it too. What’s to stop a sufficiently intelligent conjurer from creating a knife that’s already stabbed me? What’s to stop a conjurer from putting a knife into existence right in front of my throat and stabbing? I seriously hope important documents or currency have measures in place to make counterfeiting them with these kinds of spells next to impossible, who could be THAT stupid in a universe where this is possible?

Of course, Twilight and I were just talking about my impending party, and why the argument about me using the name Binary Switch was a completely moot point because one or both of my names are on the invitations. I figured out how to cut the energy to the pill I was floating around and got rid of it.

“I guess whether or not you enjoy parties is completely irrelevant to her?”

“Yeah, when I first came to Ponyville, she threw the surprise party in this library, paying no attention to the fact it’s a library or that I was trying to sleep upstairs,” Twilight said, adding plenty of snark to the list of things Pinkie Pie ignored.

I started pacing around the library, looking for titles on the spines of the books. Apparently ponies use the Roman alphabet. Knowing I can read pony writing is helpful, but given they attempted to exist mostly apart from humans and haven’t had any contact with us since what I assume is the enlightenment, my brain would probably explode if I found out how this happened. The Roman alphabet isn’t the only writing system ponies have. What writing system did the runes in Twilight’s circle come from?

“I guess it can’t be helped then, but I’ve got an extremely important question about creation spells you may have overlooked. Let’s say I’m in a fight with a hostile conjurer, and by conjurer, I mean someone who primarily uses creation spells. Would I need to be concerned about them creating knives directly in front of my throat and stabbing? Or creating knives that already stabbed me?”

Twilight winced yet again. I know my question is semi-graphic subject matter, but it’s a perfectly reasonable concern for the situation I brought up. That’s obviously a game breaking technique. If you aren’t willing to account for such possibilities, you can’t do anything to stop them.

“Ponies give off enough ambient magic interference to make creating objects that close to them next to impossible. Your own magic matches the frequency of the interference you give off, which is why it’s easier to create things that are closer to you. Now riddle me this. What do you think you’ll be doing that would lead to you fighting somepony who wants to do THAT to you? ” She asked, going on the attack.

If she was going for an armor-piercing question, she definitely did a good job of it.

“I have no idea what I would be doing,” I said, taking a moment to see if I could figure out my thought process.

“It’s more a case of trying to figure out the worst possible thing that could happen in the event I am fighting one. The concept of blinking objects into existence this way is a new one for me, I can’t remember anything comparable to this in the stories I read. That’s why I’m still trying to figure out the implications. Given my interests on Earth, it’s only natural I’d start thinking about combat implications too,” I told her once I got my thoughts in order.

I think the room temperature may have gone up a degree for a second.

“I suppose that makes sense, but if you’re finding yourself fighting ponies willing to do THAT, you may want to re-evaluate your lifestyle, because the odds of it happening and it not being at least partially your fault are microscopic. The chances of that happening go down even further when you realize that not all unicorn talents have combat applications. You may theoretically be a walking armory, but there are a lot of unicorn musicians out there who couldn’t fire a sonic blast even if they had to.”

She has a point, but she undermined herself when she mentioned musicians firing sonic blasts. With sufficient imagination, everything can be weaponized.

“Anything worth worrying about here is usually solvable without bloodshed. Fluttershy got into a staring contest with a cockatrice and won. That’s why I’m not a statue right now,“ Twilight continued.

The only universe where that makes sense runs on Spiral Energy.

“You’re saying that you aren’t a statue, because Fluttershy won a staring contest. I’m not sure I get it. How did you get unpetrified? Is there some kind of potion that reverses it? Do unicorns have the equivalent of flesh to stone and stone to flesh spells?”

“Fluttershy made the cockatrice unpetrify me, although there are spells unicorns can use to cure petrification. Wait; did you say flesh to stone? What were human magic users doing in those stories you keep talking about?” She asked, seeming a bit unsettled when she realized what I just said.

On the plus side, I don’t need to be concerned with regular unicorns using petrification. On the other hand… you know what, fark it. She saved the world twice and is likely to end up doing it again, and what happens if something finds a counter to the Elements? Also, since when could a cockatrice reverse their gaze?

“Before I say anything, I have a question. I think I already know the answer to it, but I wanted to be sure, because nowhere in my knowledge of mythical creatures are cockatrices able to reverse their gaze. Can mirrored sunglasses be used to reflect a cockatrice’s gaze?”

“They probably would, but wearing sunglasses in the Everfree Forest is not a very good idea. You’d barely be able to see your hoof in front of your face, which is why doing it there is crazy,” Twilight warned me.

That hasn’t been fully verified? That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.

“Alright then, now for your question about the stories I like reading. If you look at stories where human magic users exist, a sizable portion of them are powerful engines of destruction. You’d see fireballs with 20 foot blast radii, disintegration beams, fire blasts that can knock a werewolf through multiple building walls, holes in reality shaped like swords that disintegrate what they touch, and even shields of rainbow energy that cause fire damage, insanity, petrification, and being sent to another dimension if you try to break through them. They typically take 7 different spells to safely dismantle if you aren’t using the sword shaped hole in reality I was just talking about to pierce it.”

Twlight’s eyes started getting really wide when I started explained the effects of a prismatic sphere a moment ago. Maybe I shouldn’t bring up Wail of the Banshee right now.

“That’s the biggest case of overkill I’ve ever heard,” Spike said breathlessly, stopping what I presumed was reshelving the books that were in a pile near Twilight’s desk.

“I could probably do the first three things you said with some research. The rest though, I’d have to agree with Spike. You’d probably need to be an alicorn or have the Elements of Harmony to do anything close to the rest of what you were talking about. What kind of situation could possibly need something that ridiculous?”

There are three things a competent spellcaster should fear; major league supernatural predators, sniper rifles, and other spellcasters.

“Something like Discord or Nightmare Moon would be my first answer to that question. Beyond that, the main thing I could think of that would warrant that kind of magic would be defending yourself against another caster with that kind of power,” I responded

“Maybe it’s a good thing humans don’t have magic then. You’d probably come up with something so destructive you’d all end up destroying yourselves if you actually had magic. And would you please stop pacing, it’s making me dizzy trying to follow you,” she deadpanned exasperatedly.

That’s when I realized I was on the other side of the room. Then I realized what she was saying about humans, and had to remember what Twilight said about grounding yourself. Despite my efforts, the room temperature still went down a few degrees. I need to get away from her or this entire library could be covered in ice.

“Considering we’ve had explosives powerful enough to destroy cities and leave the land uninhabitable for decades, I’d say we’re doing a lot better at not destroying ourselves than you give us credit for. We’re even trying to get rid of them. Do you have anything that needs doing? Preferably, do you have anything that needs doing outside the library? I need an excuse to learn the area, and if I don’t get out of here for a while, things are probably going to start freezing, and yes, I am trying to ground myself,” I retaliated, my voice developing an icy venom as I tried to keep myself from an outburst.

She apparently realized what she said after I mentioned nukes.

“For what it’s worth, I suppose I did cross a line there, I’m sorry I said that,” she apologized.

Spike bumped into me slightly as he was reshelving books. I think it may have been deliberate.

"I guess I didn't have any concept of when to stop asking questions ponies find unsettling when I could just as easily find the answers in a book. For that, I apologize," I said, trying to reciprocate.

Things warmed up. Slightly.

She retrieved a map from one corner of the library.

“Well, there is one loose end left over from last night I was going to investigate…”

Is this bench laced with contact hallucinogens?

“I never did find out what happened to the Smartypants doll I enchanted last night,“ Twilight told me.

When I said excuse, I had no idea she’d be this facepalmtastically literal. Normally I’d be pondering whether or not the Streisand effect is relevant here, what with it being the doll that started a riot, but I’d probably learn the area better if I was actually going to places instead of wandering around aimlessly. I don’t think I’m in imminent danger of freezing anything right now, but that would probably change if I heard something sufficiently stupid. Considering the room temperature is still lower than it should be, I should probably have walked out of here a while ago.

“You might think it’s silly, but you did ask me for something to do,” she said awkwardly before she caught her verbal stride.

“I was going to start by seeing if any of my friends may have seen where it went. We could cover a lot more ground if we split up, and that’s probably a good idea, considering how chilly the room still is,” she exasperatedly mentioned.

My inner monologue shouldn’t have opened its big mouth.

“Seriously? Are you really calling me on that? Under normal circumstances, I would have buried my indignation about this, and we both would have forgotten about it eventually. Instead, I’m broadcasting my anger over the thermostat, and it’s making a feedback loop of more and more anger. Who in their right mind would ask for that? That’s probably the most sadistic thing about this situation!” The room temperature DROPPED, and I didn’t give a single fark about it anymore. Somehow, I wasn’t even shivering as my indignation took its icy physical form. It was the coldest thing I ever felt in my life, but knowing it for what it was, it was actually reassuring as it formed into a suit of spiky armor and what I imagine is an equally spiky helmet.

Twilight didn’t give a fark about it either.

“I’ve tried to remind myself repeatedly that you just got transformed last night. Despite this, I can’t help but think you’re overreacting. I already apologized for what I said about humans using magic to destroy the world, and I’m not sure what more I could possibly do about that; or anything else that happened to you for that matter. As for the current situation…“she said, forcing herself to stay calm.

With no unnatural increases in the surrounding temperature to serve as a warning sign, her mane and tail caught fire in a display that made my armor seem like a snowflake and caused me to avert my eyes briefly. Ohhhhhhh frak.

“It’s not sadism if nopony’s enjoying it! And by the way, incase you haven't noticed, you're the one with the feedback loop. I’m not sure if you aren’t even trying, or if your power management skills are really this bad, because foals are probably better at it than you! Your armor wouldn’t be starting to melt, if you weren’t wasting so much energy nearly freezing the entire room!” She shouted as I started to back away.

Despite her having a point, DAMN that hurt. After a moment that felt like an eternity, I finally managed to articulate a response.

“It it just me, or is the pot calling the kettle black? Like you said, I just got this body last night, so I’m not sure what you could possibly expect. Now, if you would be so kind as to direct me to some literature on the subject, I’ll start looking into it!” I retaliated, the ice of the armor spreading through my voice.

“Most of the literature assumes you have at least rudimentary skills in the subject and doesn’t bother with something so trivial! Unicorns usually figure out enough power management to get by before they even learn telekinesis, which is the simplest spell there is. Don’t even get me started on the literature that does cover power management. With your lack of any background in magical theory, it would take months for you to learn enough to make use of what those books talk about. ”

I stormed out of there. Maybe I’m being monumentally stupid. Maybe I’m being childish. Maybe I’m holding the idiot ball. Right now, I don’t really care. I could have lived with the rest of the stuff she said, like she said, she apologized for that. I can even understand issues with the room temperature reflecting badly on my ability to use magic properly. But calling people out on their emotions due to AMBIENT ROOM TEMPERATURE? It’s a step away from trying to charge people with thoughtcrime.

I didn’t realize she was actually agreeing with me initially until I found myself in an out of the way spot behind a particularly steep hill near the edge of town. The good news is that I’m alone right now. At least I think so. I have no way of detecting any invisible pink unicorns that may be watching my little freakout. Note to self: try learning whatever this world’s equivalent is to detect invisibility when and if Twilight and I are on friendly terms again. If. Dang I was an idiot.

The bad news is that I’m still wearing the armor, I can’t physically remove it, it refroze and reformed after Twilight melted it somewhat due to her setting herself on fire and it’s COLDER now, and the fact that it’s still on me is making it feel a lot less reassuring, especially because I know nothing about the health risks of armor made of magically generated ice.

So I went with the most clichéd panic response imaginable, and started running around in circles. It wasn’t very effective.

After about a minute of it having only minimal effect on my body temperature, I finally remembered what Twilight said about how to get rid of the effects I was experiencing. I could just ground myself, but that would be boring.

An overly dramatic dome of ice spikes I could use to pierce an enemy from every possible angle came to mind briefly before I realized I’d already done enough stupid things for one day and I’d probably be KOed or insane if I tried it. So I took it slow, and started conjuring one spike of ice at a time, using the ones on my armor and probably ridiculous looking spiky ice helmet as a model.

After a few moments of trying to get my mind in order and several failed attempts, I had a small spike of ice floating there. I dispelled it and tried making larger, thinner ones that looked like javelins. Then I started trying to telekinetically throw them into the hill from all sorts of different angles, practicing my speed at dispelling and conjuring them in the process. Somehow, when I started picking up steam, it started to feel less like I was throwing the javelins, and more like I was firing them. After I spent a little bit of time conjuring and throwing/firing ice javelins into the side of the hill, my ice armor melted, and I was soaked. Somehow that worked extremely well as a tension reducer, because I’m laughing like a madman right now.

Now that I wasn’t acting like an idiot and had some time to myself, I realized a couple of things as I was pacing around aimlessly.

First, Celestia’s ultimatum regarding any claims to vengeance I may have was completely meaningless as a verbal contract, especially with the coercion involved. Taking Celestia’s threats into account, it’s evident she cares about Twilight. Considering I have a legitimate motive for vengeance, I doubt Celestia would have left without putting an insurance policy besides extremely intimidating threats into play. Which leads to the question, is the myth about promises to faeries being magically binding accurate? Considering that if they were, the threats would be completely unnecessary, I’m leaning towards no. Another point against it being accurate is the fact that agreement was so vague I could drive a truck through the loopholes if I wanted to.

The only point to it I could possibly think of for that ultimatum is that Celestia wanted me to think promises to faeries are magically binding because she knows I have a little familiarity with the myths, but considering Celestia’s power and age, I doubt she’d be using an insurance policy that bad. She taught Twilight. She has at least one book containing mind altering spells. If Twilight was willing to go far enough to use a mind altering spell for an assignment, would Celestia go that far to protect her student? Is it possible Celestia mind whammied me at some point while I was KOed from the transformation? It could just be something for chickens to laugh at, but none of the ways of finding out would be pleasant.

Second, I expected centuries old immortals to be smart, genre savvy individuals. What I didn’t realize; is just what that actually meant. Celestia could probably deduce World War 2 just from reading the Treaty of Versailles. At least as far as my historical knowledge goes, Germany was decimated after World War I, and the Entente/Allied powers did nothing to help Germany rebuild, instead foisting the extremely punitive Treaty of Versailles on them. This led to Germany getting vengeful, secretly rebuilding its military power on a massive scale and the rest is history.

My current theory on why Celestia issued that ultimatum, is that she didn’t want a metaphorical post World War I Germany running around Equestria unwatched, so she took measures to keep me from falling into that category, regardless of whether or not I actually would, or could. After all, nobody probably thought Germany could be a threat for a very long time after World War 1. Or maybe I’m being overly dramatic/overanalyzing things.

Another plus for Celestia is that she doesn’t even need to bother with a surveillance detail if she’s actually concerned about what I’m doing because I’m living with her apprentice. That fact led to a sinking feeling of impotent rage, as I realized that if I wanted vengeance, I would probably need to find a way to secretly reproduce the powers of a weeping angel and/or ascend to godhood if I didn’t want my vengeance to end in my own death or being tortured for the remainder of my lifespan and possibly beyond.

That’s when a more rational side of me brought up that it was nothing more than pure chance and my own curiosity that brought me here, and that this situation gave me spellcasting ability. That’s awesome just on principle, in spite of the fact I currently broadcast when I’m angry over the thermostat.

It also reminded me that at least I’m apparently not a familiar, which is always a plus, because being a familiar would suck. She has two familiars already. Mages are supposed to have one. What would be a good word for a mages that's connected to multiple familiars? Polyfamiliary?

Despite the fact that this hospitality was forced on me, I still feel like I’d be a monster to betray them after they provided it. Read enough fantasy, and you realize that hospitality is SERIOUS BUSINESS, especially in these types of settings. When I take all that into account, I can’t, and shouldn’t stay mad, no matter how much I may want to. My mind knows this, but why can’t I grok it so I can stop reminding myself about it?

That’s when I realized I had dried off completely, with no towels involved, and evaporation probably wouldn’t have happened this fast. I guess ice armor is made of conjured water or something.

I had wandered back into town and was looking around to see if I could find any maps of the town or landmarks I could use as a frame of reference. For petes sake, I was just thinking about what that alternate universe version of Professor Quirrell said about pretending to lose. How could I have already forgotten about it? I’m beginning to think she was about to say something useful about power management, and I stormed out without hearing a word of it or even getting a map! I went into the breathing pattern of one of my old katas and grounded myself before me being mad at myself lowered the temperature again. I looked around, but unfortunately, I couldn’t see any hollow trees from wherever I am.

Surprisingly, Twilight’s library actually is a tree, as I saw when I stormed out. I wonder if she wards it against fire? Of course, asking that question is a bad idea, given my situation. I’d even suspect me of plotting something if I asked about it.

By the time I stumbled across a park bench, I was tired and I didn’t really care much about anything at the moment, so I just sat there ponywatching/spacing out. This went on for a while, before I wondered if this whole experience was a hallucination again.

A pair of ponies in black cloaks and bee masks that blocked all view of their faces just passed by me. I had no idea who they were, or whatever organization they were affiliated with, and I didn’t particularly feel like asking. They weren’t bothering anyone and just passed me by, but that was still the weirdest thing I saw. Cue a fish in a bear suit to top that in three… two… one… What? No fish in a bear suit?

“You know, I thought I was the only pony in Ponyville who sat like this.”

Aaah! What? Oh, there’s a turquoise unicorn with a harp cutie mark sitting next to me in the same way I am. She definitely seems to be in a good mood too, although I’m not sure I get why.

“Sorry if I startled you, I’m Lyra.”

Well, I guess I needed to use this pseudonym eventually.

“I’m Binary Switch, and if you don’t mind my asking, what’s the deal with sitting like this?”

She seemed surprised by my response.

“Nopony said anything to you about that? Ever? Most ponies get back pain when they do this or think it’s freaky. I thought I was the only pony in Ponyville who didn’t. “

Surprisingly, that didn’t set off an onslaught of back pain when she mentioned it. Possible side effect of originally being human?

“Listen, this may sound weird asking this out of the blue, but do you know anything about humans?” Lyra asked me.

You know what, fark it.

“You’re talking to one who got transformed into a pony, my real name is actually Garrett,” I deadpanned quietly.

She started laughing.

“That’s a good one, you know, you actually could have convinced me you weren’t joking if three other ponies hadn’t tried to play that joke on me before,” she said as she was laughing her head off.

I started laughing with her at the complete insanity of the situation.

“But yeah, ignoring my ‘joke’, I do know about them. Bipedal, five-fingered hands, omnivorous, taller than we are, they’ve got no spellcasting ability but they compensate for it with massive amounts of science and engineering; that sound about right?” I asked after listing whatever random traits I could think of.

“We’re on the same page on everything except that last part. None of the books I read had any information on whatever levels of science humans may have had, or whether or not they can use magic. What book did you find it in?” Lyra asked me.

Well, I tried telling her the truth, and she out and out said she wouldn’t believe I wasn’t joking.

“I guess you could say it’s a pet theory of mine,” I sighed.

“Is that a subtle way of saying it’s something that came to you in a dream?”

“That’s awfully specific. Are you saying you get dreams involving humans?” I snarked.

“Are you saying you haven’t?” She snarked back.

Fair point.

“I've seen some of the technology they have when I dream, and I believe you. Those dreams have been some of the most enlightening experiences I've ever had. I just wish I could take something out of them as evidence. I don't see how ponies can think they're mythical creatures, it's just ridiculous. But the best thing about those dreams, is that I have hands. If I had the opportunity to trade telekinesis for them, I seriously don’t think I’d mind,” she said wistfully.

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

“Say, did you ever try turning your hooves into hands, just to try and figure out how they’d work? I haven’t managed it yet, but I think I may be getting close,” she suddenly perked up.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything about me being human, what happens if she realizes I was serious?

“I can’t honestly say I’ve tried that, although you have given me something to look into,” I said.

“Well, it was fun talking to you, but I’ve got places to be. Bon-Bon's been saying my interest in humans is getting ridiculous. I need to go rub it in her face that I’m not crazy,” she said with a smirk as she got up and walked off.

Note to self: Sitting like a human attracts reverse furries.

I’m beginning to think I should get up from this bench, because I have no idea what could top that conversation with Lyra in terms of sheer, creepy, weirdness. She still seems nice though.

I do still need to sort things out with my host after all, not to mention I never found out how Celestia intended to send me the 2000 bits. So I got up and took a fork in the path near a giant gingerbread house, trying to remember the route I took earlier as I looked up for any particularly large trees, when I bumped into an unusually quiet pink and yellow pegasus that could probably be categorized as moe. She was heavily distracted by a rabbit who was apparently trying to communicate with her via gestures.

“Oh, ummm, excuse me, sorry,” was what I assumed she said, her voice was barely audible.

The rabbit FACEPALMED before it started gesturing incomprehensibly again and pointing somewhere. When the pegasus looked in that direction, she got an extremely surprised look on her face.

That’s when the giant squirrel showed up.

Seriously.

In what I can only assume was a marketplace, there was an extremely freaked out looking giant squirrel running around trampling ponies when it wasn't jumping from building to building.

Now that my mind had a moment to process it, I realized something. That squirrel’s arms and legs were replaced with wood and metal equivalents that had all manner of gemstones and runes inset into the arms. What made it particularly surreal, was that the arms looked like they were shoddily made. The musculature was visible, and it was this almost gluelike material, that was foggy and translucent, and reflected all sorts of strange colors in the light. The exercise in contradictions that was this squirrels augments still had extremely sharp looking iron claws that pretty much screamed ‘STAY AWAY’.

The pink and yellow pegasus started flying towards it. I had no idea what I was thinking, but so help me, I had no desire to see moe ponies get mauled by giant cyborg squirrels, and I could very well be the only pony with enough firepower to salvage the situation.

So help me, I started running after her.

Ponyville vs. Squirrel Jensen(Part 1)

“HOLD IT!” The yellow pegasus shouted.

Surprisingly, the squirrel listened and stopped in the middle of the marketplace.

Her rabbit rushed in front of me before I could get too close to the wreckage that comprised the area. It pointed to the squirrel, and then made a throat slitting motion.

A white rabbit is telling me to kill things. I imagine that’s the type of thing you say when you’re trying to make an insanity plea. Maybe I should dispel the javelin I’ve got pointed at the ground.

“Now, I don’t know who made you into a giant, or replaced your arms and legs with those fake ones, and they’re going to get a piece of my mind if I ever find them. But that is no excuse to be running around town trying to trample everypony!” She said, chewing out the squirrel in a surprisingly maternal fashion.

The rabbit was pointing from my javelin, to the squirrel, and was getting what I can only imagine was an exasperated look on its face.

“Now, why don’t you stay still for a moment while I go get Twilight, and I’ll go see if she can find you a giant acorn.” the yellow pegasus continued as she flew up to nuzzle the squirrel.

Amazingly, the squirrel didn’t kill her. I dispelled my javelin and moved in to get a closer look after she flew away, despite the rabbit facepalming. It was really quite fascinating, with the gems, and the runes, and the gluelike musculature despite the claws that deterred me from getting too close. The pegasus said she knew Twilight. Was this Fluttershy?

I saw a sudden flare of orange light and quickly managed to hide behind some of the wreckage with a new conjured javelin. I couldn’t see whoever just teleported in, but they might not be able to see me either.

I heard voices distorted by an unnatural buzzing.

“That was… unexpected,” I heard one of them say.

”What should we do? We don’t have enough data, and he’ll have our heads if we let this be reverse engineered.”

“Before we discuss that, we still have a test subject lurking about,” one of the voices said.

Oh crap.

“Somepony with the will to create a weapon,” another voice said.

“But not the will to use it,” the other voice said with a hint of contempt.

Please tell me they can’t see me?

“Come out or we start using fire magic!” One of the voices called out in that same distorted buzzing.

I’ll come out and fire on 3.

1…

2…

3…

When I rushed out to fire/throw a javelin, it turned out to be the two ponies in the bee masks. Unfortunately, one of them deflected my attempt at an arcane suckerpunch with an orange bubble shield.

“Maybe this subject will actually give us some real data?” The shielded pony asked rhetorically.

”Yes, I suppose he’ll have to do,” the pony’s partner responded.

“You know, you actually had several opportunities to end the experiment,” The shielded pony addressed me.

“W-what experiment?” I asked shakily.

“You actually could have ended it at any time during this conversation even. It wasn’t even in berserker mode. All you had to do was fire at the squirrel,” the formerly shielded pony responded.

As he said that, his partner fired a beam of green energy through its mask at the squirrel. The squirrel had just been standing there the whole time, waiting for Fluttershy to come back with Twilight. When the beam hit it, the runes on its limbs started glowing bright orange as it started screaming, and I started running like hell, because I wanted to get as many buildings and alleyways between me and that thing as possible.

“Too late now though,” I thought I heard one of them say as I heard the crashing of augmented limbs behind me.

By the time I found myself at the gingerbread house again, I realized I had forgotten to take one thing into account. Squirrels can climb. I learned this the hard way, when it jumped over me and landed in my path. Given how open the space was around the gingerbread house, I had no chance of outrunning it. My only chance now was to fire, and if that didn’t work, the only plan B I had involved more dakka.

Just as I fired my javelin at the squirrel’s center of mass, I heard a cannon go off on one of the rooftops and the squirrel was knocked out of my javelin’s path by… party supplies? As it started getting up, I noticed there was still a hint of an orange bubble shield like what one of the ponies in the bee masks was using.

Oh frak oh frak oh frak oh frak oh frak oh frak oh frak.

“Don’t just stand there, EVERYPONY RUN!!!” I heard Pinkie Pie shout from one of the rooftops.

The squirrel took to the rooftops again in an attempt to pursue her. I’d ask her why she has cannons loaded with party supplies, but I needed to keep up with her and the squirrel, they were rooftop hopping like it was an anime, and I had to keep myself from running into any panicking ponies.

As I was running after them and the trail of damaged roofs they left in their wake, a rainbow colored blur slammed into the squirrel from the side, sending it off the rooftops and out of my line of sight before I managed to find an opportunity to start firing again.

While it afforded me an opportunity to slow down a bit, I still didn’t waste much time getting to where they were. Rainbow Dash managed to take to the air again by the time I got there.

“Who puts a shield on a giant squirrel?!” She shouted as she was dodging around the squirrel’s strikes and occasional jump attack.

Well, if she’s tanking…

“I know dashie, bubble shields? What about bubble gum? I like bubble gum it’s just so chewy but then I get a tummyache if I chew it too long and then I can’t have any cupcakes which is bad because cupcakes, hey Binary, does that squirrel’s shield look like bubble gum?” she asked me as she came out of the bushes with another cannon, despite being on the roof a few seconds ago and the fact that neither her nor the cannon could have possibly hidden in there.

“Hey, if you aren’t going to help us stop this thing, you need to get outta here,” Rainbow Dash shouted at me exasperatedly as she dodged one of the squirrel’s attempts at attacking her by flying above the squirrel’s reach.

The squirrel started climbing again while Rainbow Dash flew up to shout that at me, and I had a sneaking suspicion that if the squirrel did a jump attack off that building, the results wouldn’t be pretty.

Plan D for dakka is a go. Unfortunately, by the time my incredibly tired self couldn’t take the mental exertion any further, I only had a 2 by 2 array of them floating in front of me, and my mind felt like it could barely take that.

So I fired one of them off, and despite the fact the squirrel was looking at Rainbow Dash (IE paying no attention to the javelins), it hit the squirrel’s shield before I dispelled it and some of the pressure in my mind let up. As I tried firing my other javelins in quick succession (Note to self: learn simultaneous javelin firing if you live through this), it became clear that the squirrel’s shield was operating on some kind of automated system, because it never noticed them until they disrupted its climbing. When Pinkie Pie joined in with her cannon full of party supplies, the shield started to change color. Unfortunately, we had the squirrel’s aggro again by that time, so we had to vacate the extremely festive premises.

"Thanks, I'm going to go find a stormcloud!" Rainbow Dash shouted as she flew above us.

So Pinkie Pie and I were running away from the squirrel that would be our inevitable deaths, but somehow she was able to scream continuously the whole time, and I would probably get hit if I slowed down enough to be able to ask why. So we kept running, and by some surreal miracle the squirrel didn’t gain on us enough to trample us. As the squirrel building hopped in front of us yet again, we heard another crash indicative of rooftop damage. As that happened, we heard a particularly high pitched scream that may be weaponizable in the right circumstances.

“That's probably Rarity, and she is not happy about the spa's roof being destroyed,” Pinkie Pie said in an aside to me.

I felt a jolt in my gut and suddenly found myself near the edge of the street, with Pinkie Pie on the other side of it.

“Hey, look what I’ve got,” Twilight Sparkle said teasingly as she teleported into where Pinkie Pie and I were going with Fluttershy and an orange earth pony in a cowboy hat.

Finally, a moment to catch my breath.

I could only briefly see them though, because a giant acorn quickly blocked the view. As the squirrel charged over and began devouring the acorn, Twilight, Fluttershy, and who I can only presume is Applejack due to the apple cutie mark I could now see teleported over to us.

“Can anypony tell me why there’s a giant squirrel rampaging through Ponyville?! Or why it’s got such dangerous looking fake arms and legs? ” Twilight asked as she looked at the squirrel more closely.

As she did, her expression turned to horror.

“I… I’m not sure what would be worse, if the squirrel is weak against fire or if it isn’t.”

“Why would the squirrel being weak against fire be a bad thing?” I asked Twilight.

“If the squirrel is weak against fire that means somepony figured out how to adapt the butterfly wings spell to produce artificial muscles. That’s one of the most advanced spells I know. If it’s true, whoever enchanted the squirrel’s arms and legs is very good at it. I didn’t even know this was possible. If they weren’t using such original research to attack a town full of innocent ponies,” She shuddered a bit, “Then I’d be asking them a lot of questions. When whoever’s responsible is brought to justice, I might ask them those questions anyway. The research is that groundbreaking,” she nerdgasmed.

“Sugarcube, are you telling us that somepony used the spell that almost killed Rarity to mess with squirrels?” The orange earth pony asked her.

“Applejack, if the muscles on its arms and legs melt easily; that’s exactly what I’m saying,” she said as the yellow pegasus started looking incredibly disturbed.

Nailed it.

“I really don’t want to test that theory,” Twilight said as she fired what looked like a glowing purple sparkler out of her horn at the squirrel. The squirrel’s shield blocked it, along with the color shifting one she fired afterwards.

“That squirrel’s shield blocked both my sleep spells, so if anypony has anything to share that might let us deal with the squirrel without setting Ponyville on fire and making a lot of ponies throw up, now’s the time.” she said.

“Well, I was there when, look, I may be able to guess your name,” I looked at the yellow pegasus as I said this, “but it’ll be pretty embarrassing if I get it wrong. For now, call me Binary. I’ve already met Twilight and Pinkie Pie. You are…”

“My name’s Fluttershy,” she said in that barely audible voice she used earlier.

“Alright, so I was there when Fluttershy calmed the squirrel down and got it to stop trampling things. Then a pair of ponies in cloaks and bee masks showed up and mentioned that apparently this is some kind of twisted experiment and that they’d be punished if they let the squirrel be reverse engineered, before they insulted me for not killing the squirrel with an ice javelin. Then one of them fired a beam of green energy at the squirrel after they mentioned a berserker mode. Then the squirrel started screaming before it came after me. It's extremely susceptible to knockback from attacks with physical components, in spite of its shielding. The shield also changed color briefly when it was exposed to sufficient physical force. At the very least, we may have enough firepower to put a dent in its shielding. ”

Applejack gave me a weird look.

“So, ‘Binary’, where in tarnation would you get an ice javelin?”

“I can make them appear out of nowhere. They're actually pretty useful, they helped me keep the squirrel from jump attacking Rainbow Dash.”

“Never mind that, if they’re using the enchantment I think they’re using, this is very bad.” Twilight said to us as she seemed on the verge of panicking.

“If I was going to use magic to make somepony go berserk, I don’t think I could do it without accelerating their metabolism as a side effect. The squirrel would have rampaged itself out eventually and fallen unconscious. We just gave it enough fuel to continue. The food managed to go deeper into the squirrels brain than the enchantments and override them temporarily, but as soon as that squirrel finishes eating, it’s going to start rampaging again.”

Author's Note: I am currently operating without any editors or prereaders. If anyone wants to help me make this more coherent/point out any blatant errors, I might delay publishing my chapters when I finish writing them so they can be preread. Like I said, I'd appreciate hearing about any errors I may have made in writing this.

Also, if I haven't made you go WHAT at least once during this story, I'm not trying hard enough.

Ponyville vs Squirrel Jensen(Part 2/Aftermath)

It was roughly around that time that the squirrel got sent flying behind us. As the squirrel’s shield turned a shade of gray, it turned out that it got hit by a high velocity fainting couch, which stopped at a very angry looking mud covered unicorn. Presumably, this unicorn is Rarity if what Pinkie Pie said is any indication. If I had known that was coming, I would have had at least one javelin ready.

“This is unforgivable. Out of all the things in Ponyville that squirrel could have stomped on, it picked THE WORST POSSIBLE THING. Such a crime against fabulosity cannot go unpunished,” the mud covered unicorn said as her voice ran the emotional spectrum before settling into a knight templar’s certitude.

I ignored whatever discussion was about to ensue when I went after the squirrel trying to get into javelin range. Shields do recharge after all. Unfortunately, impersonating Leroy Jenkins wasn’t going to work.

Twilight teleported in front of me as Applejack caught up with me, soon followed by the rest of the party. Given her demonstrated ability to teleport others, I stopped.

“What do yah think yer doin, chargin off alone like that?” Applejack responded to my attempt at impersonating an internet meme. Of course, there was a perfectly good secondary point to me charging off like that. If they followed me, the shield might go down that much faster. Of course, that hinged on them stopping the conversation and ATTACKING.

“Bringing down the shield, before it RECHARGES,” I said as I rushed past Twilight and conjured another javelin.

Of course, by that time, the squirrel had gotten to its feet after being catapulted by that high speed fainting couch and was chasing bystanders unfortunate enough to still be on the streets. I think I may have even seen one or two of them get mauled.

Thankfully, Twilight had enough sense to teleport onto a roof in the squirrel’s path and start firing off red lightsaber colored energy blasts that began knocking it in my direction and turning its shield back to the shade of gray it was when Rarity hit it with that couch.

3 Javelins and another cannon blast of party supplies later (I’m starting to think Pinkie Pie is an exceptionally friendly eldritch abomination with how she gets around so quickly) later, the shield was down and Twilight hit it with a sleep spell after she teleported near me to fire one off. The giant magitech cyborg squirrel went out like a light. I found myself panting and tried to get my breathing back under control as the rest of the party caught up with us or came out of hiding, I’m not sure which.

Then there was the telltale flare of orange light as the ponies with the bee masks teleported in front of the now sleeping squirrel.

“Well, you’ve given us some useful data miss Sparkle,” one of them said.

“All this damage, and that’s all this is to you two? An experi-“

“HOW DARE YOU!” Fluttershy shouted as she flew between us and them

“Taking innocent animals and turning them into weapons, your families must be ashamed of you. Now why don’t you take the masks of-,”

They didn’t seem to be very effected by Fluttershy chewing them out.

“We don’t expect you to understand. What we’ve done is revolutionary. Were you paying attention? Can’t you see the implications of our work becoming widespread?”

Oh dear god they’re pony transhumanists. Wait a minute, that doesn’t make sense. Maybe… transponyists? Don’t get me wrong, I like the ideas their type talk about, I’ve beaten Deus Ex and all that jazz, but they’re doing it so wrong they’re either morons or agent provocateurs. But who would want to discredit transh-, I mean transponyism like this?

“You never once pondered what this research could do did you? You even tried to get us to take our masks off. Such foalishness. You were the most unexpected thorn in our side, but we will take great pleasure in relieving you of that burden,” one of the ponies in the bee masks said as orange points of light danced around him near the ground. Those points of light began streaming out chains of orange energy at high speeds that completely immobilized Fluttershy in seconds as fireballs started floating around the other masked pony.

Such a brazen kidnapping attempt led to Twilight getting mad enough to set herself on fire again. Except this time, she had as many issues with power management as I did, because the air temperature started feeling like a sauna when it happened. Twilight quickly managed to disrupt the links of the chains that connected to the points of light with a spell before she had to shield herself the fireball pony's attack, who had by then teleported on a rooftop behind her. Luckily, she found a way to absorb the heat of them into her shield when they made impact, preventing them from setting Ponyville ablaze. I am so out of my depth here it isn’t even funny. Twilight quickly teleported to that ponies location, and used a force blast that sent him flying and totaled what remained of the roof after the squirrel stomped on it, before teleporting back to ground level and using another blast that could take a chunk out of a building to send the pony who had conjured the chains flying down the street. The chain using pony somehow managed to cushion his impact, and started to get up. Unfortunately, it looked like Twilight was using her rage mode to fuel those blasts, because her flames died down and she was covered in scorch marks.

I took that moment to try finding a good line of fire and conjure more javelins, while the mud covered unicorn I’m assuming is Rarity and Applejack took the opportunity to untie Fluttershy/ get her the fark out of there. This was a very good thing, because I think Fluttershy may have been experiencing a blue screen of death at the moment, especially because the situation had confirmed Twilight’s theory. Seeing the artificial musculature on that squirrel melt like candle wax wasn’t pretty. Thankfully for the squirrel, Twilight either used a VERY good sleep spell, or they didn’t put any pain receptors in the squirrel’s artificial limbs, because its own musculature melting like that didn’t wake it up.

When the ponies in the bee masks took the field again, they teleported in back to back and they were both limping, but they had a shield ready the moment I started using javelins. Combine that with the fireballs intermingled with points of orange light surrounding them, and things were going to go south real bad, real fast. There was even the suitably dramatic roaring of stormclouds to accentuate just how bad the situation was.

“Hey mister crazy ponies!” Pinkie Pie shouted from a rooftop.

“I’m not sure what kind of game you’re trying to play, but you might want to stop playing now!” she continued.

“And why would we do that?” one of the masked ponies asked.

I looked up to see Rainbow Dash with a pair of pegasus ponies in flight suits I didn’t recognize.

“Because we’ve got you surrou-,” one of the flight suited pegasi said.

Before the pegasus could finish her sentence, the masked ponies fired a red beam at the squirrel that disintegrated it and teleported away. The two flight suited pegasi and another one that was hiding behind the cloud split up in what looked like a search pattern as Rainbow Dash landed.

“That was so awesome! We sure told them! And can you believe it? Princess Celestia actually sent the Wonderbolts to help us,” Rainbow Dash said in a tone I’d typically associate with squeeing fangirls before she got a confused look on her face, “um, who were those ponies anyway?”

“They were wearing masks that altered their voices. The only clue we have is that their magic is orange and that they may be limping,” Twilight responded, somehow having no scorch marks on her whatsoever.

That’s when the three ponies in flight suits returned from their searching. Two of them started loading the mauled ponies onto a cart that had two ponies with medical looking cutie marks near it.

“We didn’t see them anywhere nearby, is everypony okay?” The one with a mane that resembled open flame despite generating no heat asked us.

I’m not sure if I was crazy from the dehydration of walking into a sauna, if it was fact I hadn’t gotten this much exercise in weeks, or the adrenaline, but I started laughing like a madman. Then everything went black.

When I came to I was in Twilight’s library on one of those fainting couches the muddy unicorn I’m assuming is Rarity summoned. Of course, none of the ponies were covered in mud now, so I’m assuming she cleaned up if she’s in the room. Rainbow Dash was apparently explaining to the rest of them what had happened when she went looking for stormclouds and why it took longer than she thought, with some details that absolutely HAD to be exaggerated.

“How long was I out?” I mumbled as I started to get up.

Before I knew it, Fluttershy was there.

“You’re very dehydrated, you need to drink something,” she said as she disappeared and before I realized anything else I was sitting back down and bracing a glass of water against my mouth with my hoof.

After the 5th glass, Fluttershy finally stopped bringing them and I was able to join the conversation.

“If you don’t mind my butting in, what happened?” I asked to nopony in particular.

“Oooh, I’ll explain it!” Pinkie Pie shouted, raising her hoof.

“Well, there was a giant squirrel-“

“Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said with a forced calm in her voice

“Yes, Twilight?” Pinkie Pie responded, and I have a sneaking suspicion she’d be wearing a trollface mask if she had one.

“I don’t think he means that far back,” Twilight told her.

“Well, you fell asleep after giggling at a ghostie nopony could see,” Pinkie Pie said, cutting to the chase now, “Then Twilight and Spitfire got you into the library and Twilight cast a temporary hydration spell on you. And then the Wonderbolts had to leave to tell Princess Celestia what happened. Then Twilight brought the rest of the girls here and you woke up an hour later when Rainbow Dash was explaining what happened when she went looking for stormclouds, and Fluttershy made you drink a lot of,”

“Ah think he gets it,” Applejack deadpanned before she asked me, “So, ‘Binary’, what’s yer story?”

Well, at least I can get the rest of the introductions out of the way simultaneously. But on the other hand, how could I put this without making Twilight sound like a complete monster?

“Twilight already told you about the summoning she tried last night?” I asked Applejack.

She nodded.

“Judging from the air quotes you used around my name, you already figured out that Binary is a pseudonym. Explaining this during a giant squirrel attack seemed like a very bad idea, but I’m actually human, and humans exposed to this worlds magic turn into ponies. My real name’s Garrett.”

“Not that we aren’t ungrateful for your contribution,” the white unicorn who is probably Rarity by process of elimination interjected, “but that doesn’t explain why you’re still here.”

I was hoping to avoid this. I guess I’ll just be as vague as I possibly can.

“Time flow differences. Sending me back properly would need a TARDIS.”

“A what?” Applejack asked.

“A time machine. Since time travel is impossible, I’m stuck here and I’ve been living out of Twilight’s storage room. Any other questions?”

“You explained it well enough, but listen, If you need money, feel free to come by my Boutique. I’m sure I could figure out something for a unicorn with your skillset."

“Thank you, I might just take you up on that,” I told her.

“Why,” I thought I heard somebody whisper.

“Huh? Did somepony say something?” I asked.

“Why would anypony do that to an animal?!” Fluttershy said in a surprisingly loud emotional outburst.

To see if it would work before they did it to ponies?” I asked casually.

Somehow that raised the tension in the room.

“Alright Binary, I’m only going to ask this once. How can you talk about things like that and think it’s normal?” Applejack asked me.

“Hey, there are stories out there that talk about that. None of them like what those masked ponies did, and not very many of them, but the idea isn’t new,” Twilight interjected.

“If you could replace your limbs with artificial ones that were better than the original ones, would you?” I asked Applejack.

“Ah worked hard to be where I am today. Buying strength just don’t sound right, you wouldn’t appreciate it if you could just buy it.”

“I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree there, because if I didn’t take the opportunity, I’d be seriously considering it, and I’d want others to have that opportunity too. Those masked ponies could very well agree with me, but I want to see them brought to justice for their atrocities too, especially because they’re stigmatizing just what this kind of technology could do. Forcing that kind of change on anyone is just sick.”

“Ah’ll say, glad we can agree on that,” Applejack said, mollified by my remarks.

“Now, are we pondering angles to begin our own investigation or what?” I asked the room.

“We’re too well known, we’d be walking targets if we started investigating, and I do not want to run into those masked ponies again without a squad of royal guards or one of the Princesses. We should leave this to the professionals.” Twilight said.

Despite my agreeing with her on ideal conditions for fighting those two ponies, does she watch movies? At all? Now we’re going to be involved in this whether we like it or not.

“WHAT?!” Rainbow Dash shouted.

“They tried to kidnap Fluttershy and you want to let the royal guards handle it? They couldn’t handle Nightmare Moon! When there was a dragon Princess Celestia needed moving, she sent us! And don’t even get me started on Discord. Those masked ponies, or whoever is pulling their strings, are just as bad as they are, and we need to stop them ourselves if we want to see it happen! ” She shouted.

“Alright Rainbow Dash, where should we start? With the squirrel that isn’t there anymore? With the masked ponies that the only thing we know about them is their orange magic, and they may be limping? The masked ponies who could be anywhere by now?” Twilight interjected.

“We could always try following the money; that usually works,” I suggested.

“Do you really think we’d have the access for that?” Twilight asked me sarcastically.

“Emotions are running high right now; maybe we should go home and see what happens in the morning,” the white unicorn suggested

“Rarity?” I asked to the room because I wanted to confirm her name.

“Hm?” The white unicorn replied

“That is the best idea I’ve heard all day.”

“I like that idea too,” Twilight said.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were the last ones to leave. Fluttershy still seemed… frazzled by what happened. When Rainbow Dash left, she followed her.

Ah well, now it’s time to get to the elephant in the room.

“What I was saying before you stormed out. There were at least 5 better ways I could have put that, and with how I reacted to those masked ponies…,” Twilight trailed off awkwardly.

“People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones?” I suggested.

She thought about it for a moment.

“I suppose that’s one way to put it. I do know some power management exercises I could take you through; and your issues with that were probably a factor in that blackout you had. Of course, you may need to wait until tomorrow for your magic reserves to build back up, you don’t look like you have very much power to manage right now anyway.”

“Thanks, and I’m beginning to think I may have stormed off hastily. I didn’t realize that you were agreeing with me when I overreacted. I was an idiot, and I’m sorry about that,” I apologized.

“It’s very hard to stay mad at somepony who helped you deal with a rampaging giant squirrel,” she said with a completely straight face.

“I don’t think I could have put it better myself, even with a week to figure it out,” I said with the hint of a giggle on my voice.

Spike suddenly burped up what looked like a bag with a note attached to it.

Garrett,

Enclosed in this bag are the agreed upon 2000 bits. The guards in the secure portions of the Canterlot Archives have orders to grant entry to any unicorns matching your description who know the password ‘glacies’. If you wish to take something out of the archives, Spike knows where to send the requests. I trust this matter is now closed.

-Princess Celestia
This created message will dispel upon reading.

Dang. I wish I thought of that before just now, when I saw a message like that disappear. For a government official, that was surprisingly fast. Does she have a slush fund for weird things that happen in Ponyville or something?

Then I opened the bag and looked inside. It was bigger on the inside than the outside. Celestia casually threw in a BAG OF HOLDING.

Of course, with what I had to go through to live long enough to receive them, this may as well be a quest reward. That’s when I started laughing again. Maybe I'm a bit frazzled or unhinged, or whatever term fits the situation.

"Are you okay?" Spike asked me

"You'd need to play a lot of RPG's to have any idea why I'm laughing. I may have seen two ponies die today, I've seen a squirrel's musculature get melted after being chased by the same squirrel, Fluttershy almost got kidnapped, and I didn't have enough magical firepower to do anything to stop it. I'd be more disturbed if I wasn't at least slightly unhinged from the experience and laughing over something completely trivial," I told him.

"I haven't written my report to Princess Celestia yet, could you tell me again what happened when you encountered the masked ponies?"

"Hospitals," I said.

"What?" Twilight asked me.

"They seemed too competent for something this stupid, but if we're VERY lucky, they might have found medical attention wherever they teleported to after they unmasked, after all, I think I saw them limping too."

"Alright, so we're reporting to her that the ponies had orange magic and a possible limp. That's not much to go on. Could you tell me again what happened when you ran into them? You might realize something you forgot."

Several repetitions of my story later, Twilight finally stopped asking me. I get the idea of what she was doing, trying to jar loose details I may have forgotten before, but it was still annoying. So I was very glad to hear her say this.

"Spike, take a letter. Dear Princess Celestia....."

Author Note: Special thanks to Chaosglory626 and Ponyaddict for prereading an early version of this chapter. This chapter was dark enough to deserve adding the tag, and I'm wondering if I did this organically or plausibly.

I've got plot points in mind for later in the story, but I've got a lot of directions I could go to bridge the gap between now and my later in the story plot points, and no particular plan in mind for how to do it, so my next update may take a while. Or it might not. I have no idea. As always, if you notice any errors, I'd appreciate hearing about them.

Nobody expects a transdimensional fishing line!

I woke up in a circular room that was made of a mixture of wood and stone. The black electrical cord in my hand was now a silver cord that was coming out of a point in midair. There was plenty of slack, and I could move about normally, but the implications of this are a very legitimate question if this is anything like the astral plane. When I looked around, I saw large amounts of machinery covered in lights that wouldn't be out of place on Christmas trees. It looked suspiciously like SCIENCE equipment.

There are two kinds of science, science, and SCIENCE. When I say science, I mean the kind of science that has things like control groups, consideration for the lives of their test subjects, and equipment that makes sense. SCIENCE is about throwing science at the wall and seeing what sticks. SCIENCE is about replacing peoples blood with gasoline simply because you can. SCIENCE is locking someone in a room filled with deadly lasers and seeing how they react when locked in a room filled with deadly lasers. SCIENCE equipment does a lot of unnecessary beeping and tends to be covered in lights that are just as unnecessary. Either that or it looks like it was designed by Apple, but that's a whole other can of worms. Waking up in a science lab is bad, but I'd be surprised if anyone ever found themselves waking up in one after being taken against their will. Waking up in a SCIENCE lab after being taken against your will is a more likely scenario, and it should be treated as slightly less bad than waking up plastic wrapped to a table.

After I looked around me, I tried looking up. There was one exit on top of a stone overlook that really needed a railing. Naturally, I tried heading for the stairs. It was then that I found out I forgot to look down. I smacked into an invisible wall that drew my attention to the glowing purple double-layered circle filled with runes and the discrepancy between the floor inside and outside of the circle. For some reason, the floor inside the circle was part of the stone stairs from the university while the floor outside the circle is made of wood. Why would stone stairs get taken here with me?

Seriously, why would anyone abduct stairs?

There was no way of getting my hand outside the inner layer of the circle, and no way around the implications of this fact. This was the table, and a spellcaster summoned me here like a denizen of the lower planes. What kind of magic user summons humans as though they were demons? Odds are high whoever or whatever summoned me is looking to make a deal with whatever their analogue to the devil is if the circle is any indication. They're certainly in for a disappointment, and if that circle is capable of delivering electric shocks, I'm probably going to die.

I'm Garrett. I was a typical computer science student with a typical penchant for science fiction and fantasy literature until recently. My workload has grown beyond my ability to manage. My study patterns are losing their effectiveness, and I've been failing more things than I ever thought possible. I'm in a dangerous situation there, and if I can't find a way out of it, I can kiss continuing to be able to afford college goodbye. I had been a Karateka since high school, I enjoyed it tremendously, and I was hoping to ascend further through my dojo's ranks. I had to quit to make my workload manageable. I went dark on my lines of communication with almost everyone I knew, including my former sparring partners, one of whom I liked talking to. I'm horribly disgusted by the fact that I haven't practiced in weeks right now, but it was entirely necessary to manage my assignments. I barely talk to anyone at the university either, and because I've gone dark from social networking services, one could say I became a ghost to preserve my academic standing.

Despite cutting all the biggest time sinks I could think of from my life, I found new time sinks without even trying. There were massive amounts of fanfiction written for my books. There was an entire wiki of plot devices in fiction to explore. When I finally downloaded Skyrim, I realized I was amusing myself to death. I sacrificed virtually everything on the altar of academia, and it still didn't seem to be enough. I have no idea what I'm going to do if I can't bring my grades out of this hole, and get my wandering mind back under control.

I began hyperventilating before I started a breathing kata to get rid of those annoying emo thoughts. It wasn't much of an improvement, given I was experiencing the arcane equivalent of being on a serial killer's table, but the tingling sensation they leave in your nose is just awesome.

Now, 6 days before I got here, something weird started happening. A case of stupidity so monumental it began to pique my curiosity. Someone left their smartphone unattended and plugged into an outlet on the outside of a building I pass by when going to my first class. Compounding his stupidity, the moron left it on stairs made out of stone, making it extremely likely the smartphone would melt. The first time I saw it, I thought little of it, just walking by and assuming it would be picked up the next time I passed by. When I passed by again, it was still there. When I went home and came back the next day, the phone was still plugged into the building in the same place. What kind of moron would do something that stupid? Still though, I just walked by.

When I saw it was still plugged in after leaving on the second day and coming back on the third day, I got really curious, especially because the phone didn't melt yet. I don't have a smartphone, but I'm considering getting one, so these are extremely relevant questions. What kind of smartphone is terrible enough to leave unattended for two days straight? Also, what kind of phone can survive two days of being left on a stone staircase? I had to know what kind of phone it was, because a touchscreen and a button arrangement is not sufficient information for someone who doesn't know phones.

I needed to find a way to discreetly look at the other side of the phone in the event this was some kind of elaborate trap. For the next two days, I altered my travel patterns to pass by that building extremely often, paying attention to when there weren't a lot of people there. I finally worked out an opportunity to find out what kind of phone it was on the sixth day. I looked around most of the area near the building, checking every conceivable line of sight to the phone. Nobody seemed to be watching, so I crouched down on the stairs to look at the other side of the phone after setting my backpack down. When I picked up the wayward smartphone, it fused with my hand, making it look like a black electrical cord was coming out of it. I quickly looked around, and nobody saw as the cord shrank, pulling me through a solid wall like a fish on a hook. I guess it was an elaborate trap, but nobody expects the transdimensional fishing line.

So here I am, trapped in an unknown mage's summoning circle. Nobody would hear about what's happening to me and take it seriously. Anyone with an ounce of sense would never speak of something like this if they made their way home, and anyone without sense would be thought of as mad. I could never speak of this to anyone and be taken seriously.

The door just opened, what looked like an extremely dishevelled looking purple unicorn stepped onto the overlook. Given the way it opened the door and was heading down the stairs, it looks like I just got summoned by a purple unicorn. It would be foolish to ponder the point where I began what's likely a hallucination, but there may be an epiphany to be had here if whatever means of communication this unicorn uses doesn't induce insanity upon exposure. Oh well, time to find out what this summoner wants.

Go go Google Faustian bargain!

“I'm sorry this happened to you," Twilight told me.

"I accepted your apology when I gave up my claim to vengeance against you. You're helping fix your mistake, think nothing of it."

"Is there anything you'd like to say to me now?" She asked with a hint of curiosity.

“Thank you for the hospitality?”

“What kind of pony would I be if I didn’t offer? That’s not what I meant though. There’s something else on your mind.”

“What makes you say that?”

“When you put the last ‘question’ you asked Princess Celestia together with that icy display of yours, it’s incredibly obvious.”

“What makes you take the ice into account?”

“It’s the same thing that happened to me a few times, except it was fire instead of ice. When unicorns get mad enough, their magic sometimes goes into a feedback loop that starts affecting them in an elemental form. When it happens to an inexperienced caster, the surrounding environment usually gets caught in the effect too. You had no idea what was happening and no idea how to bring yourself out of it, so I interrupted it. It's pretty much the last resort way of stopping those.”

Translation: She gave me the get a hold of yourself slap from Airplane.

“So how do I stop a loop once it starts?”

“The last time it happened to me, I was able to redirect the energy that was making the flames into harmless sound effects, so that’s one way to do it.”

“The most important part of stopping a feedback loop though is stretching it out. Make every cycle of energy go longer, spread it out to where any point of energy, anywhere, has next to no effect on the surrounding environment. If you have a connection to the ground, it’s possible to redirect the energy there too, and it's simpler than what I was talking about, but stretching the feedback loop out works anywhere. One more thing, if you’ve gotten mad enough to cause a feedback loop, you’ve gone beyond breathing exercises. It might not make much sense to you now, but it’ll probably make more sense when you get the hang of telekinesis. So, is there anything you want to talk about?”

To obtain, something of equal value must be lost, the alchemists say. A body for a body makes sense. Even the loss of my skills makes sense, because magic is just as much an instrument of combat as it is a study. When you take into account that the dimension change throws my knowledge of the laws of nature into question too, it ceases to be equivalent exchange. The opportunity to be a spellcaster is awesome, but I still would have liked an opportunity to decline a transaction this unbalanced.

There is no emotion Garrett, there is peace. Become ice internally, lest you freeze things externally. Also, I really need to find a replacement for that kata.

“I wasn’t going to say it, but since you asked…”

“I am fully aware you are not entirely the reason I’m stuck here, and that the targeting of that spell is random. I am fully aware that I have already accepted your apology. If I said I wasn’t angry at you right now anyway, I would be lying. Your fishing trip cost me my life. Even if I were to return to my world, I would have been missing for much longer than a week, costing me my academic future. If I returned to my world, I could never tell the truth about where I was, and I wouldn’t have the resources to fabricate a story, either. I would be institutionalized if I tried to tell the truth about what happened to me. In your quest to preserve your academic standing, you destroyed mine.”

Her Google or Wolfram Alpha was to try making a Faustian bargain. Given the ways I’ve used those search engines sometimes, how much better than her am I really? Was this the epiphany I was supposed to reach here? No? Darn. Well, I needed to reach an understanding with my host eventually.

“Even with that, I have little right to be mad. I may have used ‘lateral thinking’ on some of my assignments in the past, though what I did never harmed anyone else. What you did demonstrated the idea behind what I was doing, but taken to its full conclusion.”

“Until I found out you had asked Princess Celestia about letting me use your storage room, and that the targeting of your spell was entirely random, I believed I had every right of vengeance against you, that it was the only thing left to me. The very fact that you gave me an alternative made Princess Celestia’s terms unnecessary. I know revenge stories seldom end well for the people involved, and have no desire to become a character in one if it can be avoided. Even with my knowledge of the situation, I’m still angry, but it will eventually pass.”

“Wow. This leaves me with a lot of questions, and I’m sure you have a lot of questions too, but I think we both need sleep right now. Follow me upstairs, I’ll show you where the storage room is.”

I got up and awkwardly followed her up the stairs. After the first minute, she gave up and used telekinesis to help me get upstairs faster. When she opened the door on the top of the overlook that really needed a railing, I saw a tiny, purple, bipedal dragon standing in front of her library, which for some reason looked like the inside of a tree. Was this dragon her familiar? This world apparently didn’t operate on the chromatic and metallic system of classification I was familiar with, so what kinds of dragons are there here?

“Spike, this is Garrett, it turns out he will be staying with us. Garrett, this is Spike, my number one assistant.”

“Implying there are others?”

“If you see an owl in the library, that’s Owlowiscious, who helps me when Spike is asleep and I’m still up studying. The storage room is connected to that alcove over there, and there’s a bathroom right across from it. I'm sorry about the hot air balloon, but I was in a bit of a hurry when I set this up. Good night.”

After Spike made his way to wherever it was he slept and Twilight went upstairs, I checked out the alcove. Luckily, the door to the storage room was already slightly ajar. I shoulder checked it open enough to make my way in because I didn’t want to get stuck in anything, finding an inflatable mattress, a pillow, and some sheets, a dim lantern hanging from the wall, and the deflated hot air balloon she was talking about. There wasn’t much room for anything else with the hot air balloon in here, but given the circumstances, this works. I actually like sleeping at low altitudes, the primary reason I even had box springs on my bed is because it would've looked weird if I didn't.

After I finally made my way under the sheets, I realized before I fell asleep that in terms of research material, I hit the jackpot.

Come on big money no whammy no whammy stop!

You know how sometimes you reach a point of diminishing returns studying or practicing something and you just need to sleep and then you get it? It turns out adapting to walking in a pony body is like that, because I was able to walk around without making a complete fool of myself now. When I saw my darker green haired self in the bathroom mirror, that was something I could reasonably expect. What I couldn’t expect was the dark purple ASCII hammer that was tattooed on both sides of my butt made of an equals sign and an empty parentheses. When did I get this? I think I would have remembered getting it, I hear the process is extremely painful. Did Twilight mind whammy me? What would the point be of doing this to me, then wiping my memory of the experience? I can’t think of a point, I may as well just ask about it and see what the reaction is.

As I walked out, Twilight greeted me from the kitchen:

“Hi Garrett, I just made breakfast.”

I guess my questions can wait a bit.

As we had fruit salad and what I assumed were dandelion sandwiches, Spike had just finished munching on… was that a gem? I guess being Celestia’s apprentice has fringe perks. Also, it turns out I can eat flowers now, and they’re surprisingly good. Must be a side effect of my current form.

Surprisingly, Spike asked the first question.

“So Garrett, where are you from?”

“Alright, so you know that Twilight summoned me here right?”

“Yeah, but she locked the basement door behind her when she did it.”

I glanced at Twilight, she was paying attention. Good, I don’t want to give the same speech twice.

“I’m from a world called Earth. My original species is the dominant race there. They look a lot like you, only replace your scales with skin that can come in a wide variety of shades, significantly increase your height, add hair on top of the head, and subtract the claws and the breath weapon. The single biggest difference between Earth and Equestria though, is that there is no magic. It hasn’t stopped us from inventing fictional universes where magic exists, but there is no magic on Earth. Because of this, Earth probably has science and technology more advanced than Equestria’s.”

Spike eyed me strangely. If I’m wrong about the technology, may Sherlock Holmes himself strike me down. I’m not seeing a computer in this library, they’re operating on a diarchal system of government, and the lights on the equipment in Twilight’s basement wouldn’t be out of place on hardware that uses vacuum tubes.

Twilight explained it to me.

“Spike’s breath is a way of sending messages. It’s how I send my reports to Princess Celestia. He’s a baby dragon; he’s not big enough for his breath to be a good weapon yet, and neither of us are fond of destroying things.”

Spike gave her a sullen look as I finally got my question in.

“Before this conversation gets sidetracked, when did I get the purple hammer tattooed on my butt?”

Twilight seemed lost in thought for a moment before she apparently figured out whatever she was going to say. I’m seriously starting to think she mind whammied me.

“Now I get it, the word ponies use for that area is flank, and that’s your cutie mark. What’s a tattoo?”

“What.”

“Ponies get their cutie marks whenever they figure out what their special talent is. Are tattoos like that?”

“Tattoos are a decision some humans make, that most of them regret later. They’re an art form on Earth. People go to tattoo artists to get ink permanently etched into their skin with needles in whatever form they want. It’s an extremely painful process, and not one to be taken lightly. “

“Then why do they get them?”

“Some people think they look cooler that way. Some people use them to commemorate relationships, and often regret it. Sometimes they’re coded messages. Sometimes they’re reminders. Like I said, it depends on the person. We don’t get magically manifesting markings to commemorate personal epiphanies, but sometimes we mark ourselves anyway.”

“That rules out my next question, so I’ll just ask what you’re good at instead.”

“Why do you ask?”

“I haven’t been able to figure out what a purple equals sign and a parentheses symbolizes.”

“The two skills I thought of as my most important ones are probably useless here, in this body.”

She sighed.

“I’m sorry I got you trapped here, but could you please just tell me. It’ll make it easier to figure out what spells you can cast.”

“Why would a mark on my flank be related to my spellcasting ability?”

“It’s much harder for unicorns to cast spells that don’t have to do with their special talent, if they can do it at all,” Twilight responded.

“So what’s yours?”

“Magic”

“Is that common?”

“Less common than you may think.”

After Twilight finished talking, I gave her an infodump about computers, computer science, and the various symbols programs tended to use, telling her she could check out my phone, and that she could dispose of everything else but my black trenchcoat in the summoning circle how she wished. Spacious classrooms can get incredibly cold, and they don’t fit in a backpack, so I had a trenchcoat on when I got summoned. I have no idea if it survived me cutting my way out of that tangle though. I can’t wear it as a pony, but I may need it if I wanted to get a similar coat that a pony could wear later. When I came out of that infodump, it turned out Spike and Twilight had been taking notes.

“How much did you get of what he said Spike?” Twilight asked.

“I got it, but it may as well be magic,” Spike replied.

“What you’re talking about… the closest thing to it here are some of the older theories of magic, before we realized the incantations were unnecessary. What you said about the symbols explains your cutie mark, but it doesn’t say much else. What’s the other skill you were talking about?”

If the Demarcation Line turned me into a unicorn because it considered programming to be the same as magic, that’s one of the laziest things I ever heard. I’m not complaining though, I always wondered what it would be like to cast spells.

“For about three years of my recent past, I was a martial artist, before I needed to leave my dojo to handle my academic situation. I enjoyed every minute of Karate and found it very useful. I intended to start practicing again once I had my studies in hand too.”

“Of course, most of my techniques are useless in my current body,” I said sadly.

“You should really meet Rainbow Dash then, she knows Karate, so she may be able to help you out.”

When I heard that statement, I started breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth to keep myself from getting mad enough to freeze anything. If she was talking about what I think she was talking about, then pre-enlightenment Okinawans had found their way to Equestria, adapted their techniques to pony form, and started teaching. It meant there was some hope for me, but a major doubt crossed my mind. What if she wasn’t talking about that, and was using Karate as a generic term for a pony fighting style I hadn’t heard of? We speak the same language, could it be possible she had fallen victim to that plague of ignorance too?

People sometimes use Karate as a generic term for eastern martial arts. I’ve seen dojos that put Karate on their sign when they’re actually teaching Taekwondo or another style in order to get more students. There’s a boatload of difference. If either of these plagues spread to Equestria, I would probably go postal.

“Garrett, are you okay?”

“When you say Karate, what do you mean by that?” I asked while trying to keep myself as coolheaded as possible.

“Besides unicorns and alicorns, there are two other kinds of pony, pegasi and earth ponies. We cast spells, pegasi fly and control the weather, and earth ponies…”

“I could have figured out that pegasi can fly from ancient human myths, so can I guess about earth ponies? I didn’t expect the weather control though.”

“Then how does weather work on Earth?"

“Any machines for directly controlling the weather are experimental, not widely used. So weather moves completely on its own. I heard rumors about China, a foreign nation where I’m from, using a weather control machine once though. We can barely control the weather if we can do it at all, but our technology lets us predict the weather accurately enough to warn people about what to expect. So if I had to guess, earth ponies get super strength and accelerated regeneration as long as their feet are in contact with soil, am I right?”

“You got the strength right. My friend Applejack can buck trees hard enough to knock off all the apples at once.”

“Buck?” I fought down a snicker.

She proceeded to show me something that looked like a kick I had done in my original body, but because ponies are quadrupeds, it was done with both of the back legs while balancing on the front legs. I tried one a few times, and found out that at least I had comparable peripheral vision to my old body.

"Does she do this regularly?" I asked.

"She runs an apple orchard and she definitely does her fair share of the harvesting."

Bruce Lee once spoke of how a person who had done one kick 10,000 times was much scarier than someone who had done 10,000 kicks once. The only people on Earth who do anything close to what Applejack does are Shaolin monks. I'm not sure how much of a role biology plays here, but that's the single most badass thing I ever heard.

“As I was about to say, I have no idea where you got the accelerated regeneration or the soil contact from, but earth ponies have a closer connection to nature than any other kind of pony. Fluttershy is the only exception I know.”

“So what does this have to do with Karate?” I asked her.

“Before the princesses, even before Equestria was called Equestria, the pony races were at each other’s throats. The pegasi and unicorns frequently collected agricultural ‘tribute’ from the earth ponies, lording their advantages over them.”

“There was a major battle between them and the pegasi that the earth ponies won. The earth pony accounts say things about wanderers with strange cutie marks, weaponizing farming implements, and a form of hoof to hoof combat called Karate. That’s all I remember off the top of my head, Rainbow Dash would probably know more about it than me”

Weaponizing farming implements, mysterious wanderers, and a style called Karate in Equestria? Okinawans were definitely here. That makes me feel a lot better.

“Thanks Twilight, I needed to be absolutely sure of what you were talking about. There’s been some corruption of the term in my world and it drives me crazy. If it had spread here, you probably would have needed to interrupt another feedback loop.”

“I’m glad I could help.”

“I’m beginning to think that some of the earliest practitioners of my style somehow crossed the Demarcation Line. Weaponizing farming implements was a trick straight out of the Okinawan playbook in that era, and they called their style Karate.”

Twilight’s mind seemed blown by the implications. I had some more of my own questions that needed asking though.

“I’m a unicorn now, which means I have a lot of questions about magic that need asking. If any of them seem ridiculous, it’s completely unintentional.”

“No question is ever ridiculous Garrett, ask away.”

“Are there any forms of magic punishable by summary execution I need to know about?”

“That’s the sickest thing I ever heard. I would have told you about anything that serious. What could possibly give you the idea for that? I can vaguely understand the death penalty for killing with magic, though the Princesses stamped out the death penalty when they took power, and most ponies, myself included, have no desire to bring it back. We don’t do executions anymore, they haven’t been done in centuries. Even Princess Luna, who developed a split personality that compelled her to plunge the world into eternal night and nearly caused the apocalypse, is ruling as Princess Celestia’s equal now. You said forms though, meaning you had more than one type of spell in mind. I may regret asking this, but what forms of magic are you thinking of?”

“You know when I talked about fictional universes where magic does exist? I’m trying to apply what I know from those universes to get a lot of potential questions answered before I need to know the answers. There are seven things I was thinking of when I asked that question. You ruled out the execution part, but I had seven things in mind. You already talked about killing someone with magic outside of self-defense. The second thing is invading someone else’s mind. The third thing is using magic to enthrall someone else to your will.”

Twilight winced.

“Everypony’s fine now, how long are you going to bring this up?”

“Do they know you did it?”

“Only my friends and Princess Celestia know that I enchanted the doll, I haven’t told anypony about what happened with the summoning spell I tried, but my friends do know I tried one.”

“Do you have any preparations made in case the information goes widespread and a lynch mob happens?”

She shuddered at the notion.

“Ponies aren’t like that, and even if they were, if I started fortifying the library, it would only lead to ponies asking questions. The best solution is doing nothing. I trust them with my life. Now let’s drop this before one of us says something really stupid.”

“Alright then, the fourth thing I was thinking of is using magic to transform others.”

Twilight winced again, but didn’t say anything. I didn’t feel like saying anything either.

“The fifth thing I was thinking of translates into consorting with things like Cthulhu, who I already mentioned. The sixth thing I was thinking of is time travel, because of the risk of reality destroying paradoxes. Finally, the last thing I was thinking of is necromancy.”

“Necromancy?” Twilight asked.

“Do unicorns ever go into graveyards and animate the bodies of dead ponies? Do they ever bind the spirits of the dead to their will to form an army willing to do their bidding?”

“Humans certainly have an interesting imagination when it comes to magic,” she said with a hint of horror before she started responding.

“Let’s start with the ridiculous idea of using the death penalty on ponies who invade minds. How could anypony learn to defend themselves against a mental invasion with a law that shortsighted in place? I think I can vaguely understand about enthralling ponies to your will though, it’s as bad as necromancy, a pony could do all sorts of bad things with an army of slaves, just like with an army of zombie ponies.”

Not the answer I was looking for Twilight, but close enough. She went on with her response.

“Any books of magic that may exist about ‘eldritch abominations’ as you call them, or necromancy are probably kept sealed away by the Princesses. She showed me one of the books she had the only known copy of once to illustrate just how serious that kind of magic can be. I wish she hadn’t, because that’s where I remembered the spells I used yesterday. I’m just glad my friends didn’t get caught in it, I don’t think I could have forgiven myself.”

“Finally, time travel is impossible, it just is, and you already mentioned the reality destroying paradoxes that keep ponies from disproving that assertion."

That rules out using time travel to reclaim my life, but I’d already figured out I probably wouldn’t ever go back to Earth. Even if it did work, I’d probably end up like Jack was after he left the island. Although if this place uses gold based currency, I wonder what would happen if I tried to bring their money onto a post singularity Earth? That may work, but they’d probably have something like a widespread version of Bitcoin or some other ridiculous thing.

“Any other questions, Garrett?” Twilight asked me.

“Are there any myths about unicorn blood being usable as part of an immortality elixir here? Barring that, is unicorn blood an ingredient in an immortality elixir?”

“What kinds of stories do humans write back there?” Twilight asked exasperatedly.

“Humans write loads of them, all with their own unique ways of handling magic and mythical creatures. By the way, are humans mythical creatures here just like unicorns are on Earth?”

“I haven’t heard any myths about unicorn blood and immortality, nopony knows how to make an immortality elixir, and you’re mythical to us too Garrett,” she deadpanned.

“If a human claimed to be a pony that got turned into a human, I'd think they were crazy if I hadn’t seen it myself. So does this mean I’ll need to figure out a cover story and a fake name?”

“If you don’t want ponies unfamiliar with your situation to think you’re crazy,” she responded.

Great, more stuff I can’t say lest I get committed. I guess I needed to have one ready anyway incase Celestia was lying about the truenames. I guess I could try calling myself a foreign scholar as a cover story for lack of any better ideas, I should still see if anything better comes to mind though. Ok, my fur reminds me of The Matrix, maybe I could call myself Binary? The only idea I have for my last name is a bit redundant, but if Twilight’s name is a reference to bad literature, why not?

“Speaking of blood, I know Princess Celestia called truenames a myth, but am I going to need to start keeping track of my hair, burning any bandages I use, insisting that any blood samples taken from me be destroyed when the tests are complete, stuff like that?”

“The word you’re looking for is mane, and why would you need to do any of that?”

I guess she doesn’t know, what with all the world destroying spells being suppressed.

“I’m currently operating under the assumption that if somepony got ahold of my hair or blood, they could deliver all sorts of deadly curses to me, anywhere, anytime, anyplace, you know what I mean?”

“Curses aren’t possible in Equestria, the only time we thought we’d been cursed in Ponyville was just poison joke, a plant with a sense of humor. Are humans always as paranoid as you?”

That’s reassuring, but I still ought to operate as if curses are possible, just in case a pony figures out a way to do it. Curses aren’t possible is the biggest piece of shmuck bait inviting someone to develop a curse I ever heard.

“The more you know about the state of my world, the more paranoia inducing it can get.”

“But you aren’t there, so can’t you relax? By the way, if you don’t have any more questions, I think I figured out a way to explain telekinesis to somepony who hasn’t used it before.”

As I followed her out into the library, I heard a crash as a light blue pegasus with a mane loud enough to keep people up at night flew through a window. Surprisingly, none of the books got knocked off the shelves. After the amount of times I had been mistaken or ‘paranoid’, I don’t want to guess who she is prematurely. Also, “do all her entrances involve crashing into things? “

I said that out loud didn’t I?

Author Note

It has been brought to my attention, that I was unclear in chapters 3 and 4. I didn't notice that what I originally wrote for Celestia's proposal did not accurately reflect what I was trying to get across. In the process, I made Celestia into a complete sociopath. There may have been hints of sociopath Twilight in those chapters too. I've revised those chapters in an attempt to get rid of any unintentional sociopathy I may have put in.

Also, I wanted to thank the people who are following this project, this is a much better reception than I expected. Despite this, school has started up for me again, so I wanted to inform you all that my update schedule will probably be much more erratic.