"What do you mean, 'the public wants an election'?"
Celestia jumped out of her thrown, wings spread, and landed in front of the guard. As she landed, the guard nervously avoided eye contact.
"Like I said," he started, sweat starting to roll down his face,"The general public of Equestria is requesting an election. They are not pleased with the current government, and wish to either replace their current leader, you, or be convinced that they should re-elect you as princess of Equestria." The guard's knees started to shake, he could tell the princess was not happy.
"There will be no election. I have been princess of Equestria for longer than I can remember, they cannot simply hold me for 're-election', I would like this notion to be dismissed of inside the kingdom," said Celestia. As she finished, she turned to sit back in her throne, convinced that the guard would take care of quashing the public's desire for an election. The guard wished he could stay silent, but he felt obligated to protest.
"If you do not do this, than many ponies may be inclined to write angry letters, and maybe even secede from Equestria." Celestia turned to face the guard, causing him to shrink back and wish he evaporated.
"You cannot secede from Equestria!" she boomed, "Equestria secedes from you! I want these silly feelings for an election to be disposed of, do you hear me?"
Although it would have been easier to simply leave, the guard knew that the result of trying to quell the democratic movements would only result in events that would cause Celestia to be even angrier.
"I'm afraid that's impossible. You'll either have to go through with the election or face the wrath of many of your angry subjects," he said, pulling back and shrinking away after he had finished.
Celestia furrowed her brow.
"Who would dare try to take my position as ruler of Equestria?"
"Well, actually, the ponies that are pushing for this election want Princess Luna to become the ruler of-"
"My sister!" shouted Celestia, her royal composure gone,"How could she do that to me? How could she want to take my position as princess?"
The guard shrugged the questions off as rhetorical. "Well, your highness, what do you plan to do?"
Celestia thought for a moment. On the one hoof, putting herself up for re-election would leave a chance for losing power, but on the other hoof, she was convinced that Luna couldn't possibly do a better job at being princess than she could, and even if she lost, Luna would be forced to return the crown.
Celestia smiled. "I plan to win the election."
The guard gave a fake smile. "That's great! I'll be sure to tell the press that you've joined the race."
"The race? Which race? I'm joining the election."
"The word 'race' is used to describe the attempts of both candidates to become princess as a competition like a race, Celestia," mused the guard.
"Very well, tell the press that I am joining the race. And tell them that I will be fast."
The guard sighed. "What should I tell them about your platform?"
"Platform, which platform? I thought we were speaking of races."
"Princess, when was the last time you were involved in politics?"
The princess brought a hoof to her chin. "Oh, about one thousand years ago."
The guard had to keep himself from reacting, for the sake of not offending the princess. "Well, then, maybe you should find somepony who knows what they are speaking about."
The princess nodded. "Very well, you will be my adviser."
The guard's eyes bulged. "I don't know anything about politics, princess, I simply know the terms."
"Well then, who does know about these 'politics'?"
"I don't know. I don't think anypony has been involved for the entire time you've been princess."
"Very well," said Celestia, "Than I will choose somepony who I am sure will learn about them, the politics that is. Fetch me a scroll and a quill, I need to send a letter."
The guard scampered off and back, and within minutes the laconic letter was sent off.
~~~~~~~~~~
"My faithful student, I am writing to you because I require your assistance. I would like you to halt your studies on the magic of friendship and spend some time learning about democracy and politics. Then, I would like you to create a 'platform' for me. There is going to be an election in the near future, and I request that you be my adviser. Please be present in the Royal Castle tomorrow morning, your princess and mentor, Princess Celestia."
Twilight pulled back from the letter, viewing it in its entirety. She did not know what exactly was going on. Key words bounced around her head, words like election, politics, democracy. Oddly enough, even with her expansive vocabulary, Twilight had never heard these words before. But the princess needed her, and she would not let her down.
Putting the letter aside, Twilight scanned her bookshelves in search of a book that would help her.
"History of Equestria, no, Princess Celestia, ultimate ruler, no, A Guide to Equestrian Polikicks?" Twilight blew on the spine of the book, pushing the dust off of it.
"A Guide to Equestrian Politics," Twilight read. She levitated the book off of the shelf and placed it on the floor, promptly dropping to a sitting position and opening it.
"Let's get started," said Twilight.
The book's chapters droned on and on about monarchy, the most prevalent and beneficial government. For as long as history books were made, Equestria was controlled by a monarchy, or at least an oligarchy. The book even stated that at one point anarchy was an option, but then a princess rose to the occasion. Lists of princesses covered the pages of the books, with biographies that gave information Twilight did not care about. Not one sign of "democracy" or "election" was to be found in the book. Twilight returned the book to the shelves and continued her search.
Finally, she found one.
"Democratic Election: The Lost Ordinance of Equestrian Government." Twilight hurriedly pulled the book down from the shelve and delved in. She spent the rest of the night reading and composing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm here, I'm here!" called Twilight, bursting through the large, decorative doors.
"Where have you been? I've been awaiting your arrival," said Celestia curtly.
She did not wait for an answer. "Come now Twilight, I need somepony to help me understand this 'democractic election'."
Twilight was filled to the brim with information from the book, and had to regulate her speaking speed so that Celestia could understand. She parroted sections from the book.
"Well, a long time ago in the Equetria's political system a decree was made that a ruler or monarch of Equestria could be put up for re-election if the people were not happy with their performance. The purpose of this decree was to ensure that the princess, or ruler, of Equestria could not simply ignore the cries of the general public. The point of the election is to either elect a new ruler that the public thinks will do a better job, or try to get the own ruler to fix their policies in order to be re-elected. This can only be done once every one thousand years in order to avoid overuse and abuse by the public.
"When this election is held, the group of ponies who wish to change the ruler must constitute at least three fifths of the population, and they must provide an opponent for the current ruler to run against. There are two debates, and after the debates the population of the nation, that is Equestria, must vote to decide who becomes the ruler. And that's pretty much it."
Twilight took a deep breath, not having breathed during her speedy explanation.
Celestia nodded.
"Yes, yes, so how to I win?"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "You win by doing well in the debates and convincing the ponies of Equestria to vote for you."
Celestia nodded again.
"And how do I convince the ponies to vote for me?"
"You have a good campaign and make a good case and say that you will fix problems and policies. If the ponies like what you're saying, they'll vote for you."
"Very well, where do we start?"
"First you need a platform."
"Ah yes, a platform, I have heard of this. Tell me Twilight, what is my platform?"
Twilight sighed. "I can't make the platform for you, you have to make your own decisions about the issues in Equestria."
Celestia scrunched her nose, deep in contemplation. "Very well, tell me the issues and I will tell you my, um, policies. Guards, fetch Twilight Sparkle a quill and some parchment."
As if by magic, two guards were instantly in the room, one of them carrying ink and a quill and the other carrying parchment.
"Thank you, kind sirs," said Twilight, levitating the quill and parchment away from them. "Alright, princess, just tell me what you think about and how you would fix these issues and we'll have a political platform in no time!"
"Go on, I am ready," said the princess, standing tall to assert her dominance as ruler.
"Alright, what is your stance on the current unemployment rate in Equestria? How do you plan to get ponies without jobs back into the workplace?"
Celestia thought for a moment. She didn't even realize not having a job was a problem.
"I would make jobs for these people."
"Brilliant," said Twilight, scribbling down the princess' words down on the parchment. "Next issue, what is your stance on immigration?"
"Immigration, immigration of who?" asked Celestia. She wasn't aware that ponies were immigrating to Equestria.
"You know, like changelings who want to become citizens of Equestria."
Celestia snorted. "Changelings are not allowed in Equestria after what happened at the wedding."
Twilight quickly scribbled more words. "Okay, next issue. Where do you stand on taxes?"
"Taxes? I've taken a few to travel around Canterlot but I don't mind them."
Twilight started to scribble her words down, but stopped herself and scratched the little she had written out.
"No, Celestia, taxes."
"I've never heard of such a thing."
Suddenly, it dawned upon Twilight, she didn't know what taxes were either, she had just read something about them in the book.
"Uh, we'll just skip that part. What's your foreign policy?"
"Be friends with everypony. Except changelings." Celestia smiled, this was easy.
"Alright, what about education?"
"Educate ponies."
Twilight nodded, writing it down.
"Good, good, now what about the economy?"
"Make it better."
Twilight wrote down the political wisdom of Celestia, glad that she was on the side of a true winner.
"Final issue, health care."
"What about it?"
"I don't know, it's just one of the issues in the book."
"Oh, okay, than I guess I would make it cost less, make it better, fix it."
Twilight drew the last line on the parchment with a defined drag of the pen and rolled it up.
"Twilight, aren't I supposed to provide how I would do these things?"
"Nope, the book says you don't have to."
"Very well." Celestia did not understand politics at all.
"Great, now we have your political platform. All we have to do now is campaign."
"Campaign?"
"Yeah, you have to let the ponies of Equestria know your platform somehow, and you can attack your opponent's, too!"
"Oh, that sounds like fun. When do we start?"
"Why not today?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posters covered the walls of buildings everywhere, no town was safe. News of the election spread like wildfire, and soon enough every pony in Equestria was chatting about who they planned to vote for. And with news of the election came parties. Celestia and Twilight quickly learned that their supporters were calling themselves "Loyalists", and that Luna had wasted no time starting her own campaign. Posters that sported the slogan "A vote for Luna is a vote for Change" plastered the walls, and locals consistently told that Luna had been holding rallies in the town before Celestia had even arrived. Ponies trotted around boasting about being "Amareicans".
Twilight was not fazed, she was sure that Celestia would do better. She already had Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy spreading fliers, Rarity making buttons and posters, and Applejack spreading the word around Equestria through her extensive family. Pinkie Pie, however, was nowhere to be found, but that seemed to be normal.
The first rally was being held at Phillydelphia, and Celestia needed to make a good first impression if she wanted to get ahead in the race.
"Alright Celestia, this is it, your first rally," said Twilight. Celestia looked out into the crowd, thousands of ponies where waiting in front of the town hall, a lone podium on the stage, and a daunting microphone resting in its perch. Even as a princess, she couldn't help but be nervous. She wasn't even entirely sure what the "platform" Twilight kept talking about was.
"So, what do I do in this 'rally'," said Celestia. Twilight chuckled.
"You tell them why they should vote for you, silly," said Twilight. Reciprocating Twilight's chuckle, Celestia pretended she knew how she was supposed to do that.
There was no time for more questions, the two ponies had another rally directly after this one. Twilight nudged Celestia toward the stage.
"Go on, I'll be right here," she said. Shaking her anxiety out, Celestia assumed her normal regal stature and proceeded onto the stage with long, delicate hoofsteps that she had practiced for so long. Being a princess came with its benefits.
"Stay calm, Celestia, you've done this thousands of times before," she murmured as she approached the microphone. The crowd was dead silent, usually her appearance in a public setting produced cheering and applause, but she supposed "rallies" worked differently.
As Celestia turned to face the microphone, a final, inaudible word left her mouth. "Confidence."
Staring out into the crowd, the microphone at her lips, Celestia was silent. She didn't know what to say, how to start, and for the first time in her life she felt intimidated by the crowd. Their eyes were piercing and silent, all of them trained on her, but not to pay attention and heed, to pay attention and decide. Celestia had never before had to convince a crowd of anything, she just said something and it was done. Politics was harder than she thought.
From the corner of her eye, she could see Twilight sweating and giving gestures that signaled speech, her face contorted into a look of both concern and anger. Celestia blinked, clearing her mind of all uncertainties, and with her practiced, regal tongue, she spoke into the microphone.
"Citizens of Phillydelphia, my name is Princess Celestia, I am pleased to make an appearance in front of you all today."
Twilight puffed out a sigh of relief and retreated away from the stage to watch at a distance.
"I am here today because the ponies of Equestria have requested an election, and make no mistake, I embrace this with open hooves. I wish to convince you all to take the right path in this election, and vote for me, your caring princess."
Celestia was silent for a moment. A phantom of Twilight's voice played in her head. "You tell them why they need to vote for you, silly."
Celestia cleared her throat.
"Yes, I believe that you should vote for me in this election because I will make a great princess, just as I have for the past thousand years. My sister, Princess Luna, makes a great co-ruler, but she is not ready to undertake the responsibilities that entail becoming the ruling princess of Equestria. It is no easy task. This is because... well..."
There was a murmur throughout the crowd, heads turning to converse with their neighbor.
"Moving on!" said Celestia, the crowd instantly silencing.
"I think that if you take a look into my, um, platform, yes platform, you will see that my platform is the platform that you would like. To vote for. It is a better platform than Luna's. It is, um, the bipartisan basis of a league of friendship which we will begin with ourselves. And I will tell you what is in the platform, yes, because the platform's insides is what you want to hear. I will tell you this. My platform contains things that I will tell you. Things that are better on a bipartisan level that includes regulations on education taxes, which is better than what Luna is saying. I know what Luna is saying better than she does, I promise."
Celestia felt sweat forming on her face. She had never stood in front of a crowd and had nothing to say.
"Yes, my platform includes new decr- no policies! Yes policies, that will benefit the whole of Equestria. These policies are great, and they are on the platform. Because that's where they go."
Twilight stared on from the crowd, her faith in Celestia's ability faltering and falling.
"For example, my platform is good for taxes. It is also good for immigration of, um, health care. Yes, it fixes that."
Celestia stumbled over the words, just wishing that the ponies would applaud and she could walk away from the podium.
Visible beads of sweat formed on Celestia's brow. This only made her more nervous, as she had never sweated during a public speech before. The foreign concept of politics only made Celestia more uncertain about her words.
"The platform is so great, that it helps, um, foreign policy. It helps it so much that- um... well it's just... Here, let's try this. Anypony who is a changeling put your hoof up!"
The crowd remained silent and still. All of the ponies secretly wondered what was going on.
"See! No changelings. As you can see, that shows that the platform is working and that foreign policy is in full effect. These foreign policies are the best policies that anypony could possibly ask for, and they're on the platform."
More silence.
"Why, my platform even helps the, um, education. The platform does that. The platform is also a place where we can build jobs for ponies who need them, and it makes the economy better by raising the taxes and making more money so that taxes can be cut by the deficit. This is all because of the platform. And the platform is why you should vote for me, thank you."
Celestia gave her best smile to the crowd and hurriedly exited off of the stage, a large murmur arising from the audience in her wake. When she came off the stage, she was instantly met with a frustrated and disappointed Twilight.
When they were finally away from the roar of the crowd's discussions, Twilight hung her head.
"How did I do?" asked Celestia. She knew the answer, but it was inevitable to ask.
Twilight didn't respond, she simply kept walking until they were back at their chariot, the two stallions that pulled it springing to their hooves and looking attentive at the sight of the princess.
Silently, Twilight and the princess entered into the chariot and they flew off, neither of them speaking. Twilight stared at the ground the entire time.
When they were high up in the air, one of the stallions finally decided to break the silence.
"Where to next?"
Twilight simply let out a sigh. "Just take us back to Canterlot."
~~~~~~~~~~~
"I take it I didn't do well?"
"Didn't do well?" Twilight threw her hooves into the air. "You probably lost the entire city of Phillydelphia with that speech. Did you even read the book I gave you on politics and elections?"
Celestia knew it would not be wise to lie. "No."
Twilight held back her desire to lecture Celestia harder than she had ever lectured before. Instead, she took a deep breath and kept her voice calm.
"Look, I want you to stay the princess of Equestria, but that's not going to happen unless you do better in the election. You've already butchered your first rally and we can't risk any more catastrophes like that one. The 'do not' section of the book is exactly what you did during that speech. I think we should wait until the first debate, which is in two days. If you can win the debate, you'll be sure to win the election."
"Debate?" Celestia still could not grasp the concept of politics.
"Yes, a debate. The book says the debate is the most important part of winning an election. You have to argue with your opponent, and if you do a better job you win. The book also says that if you win the debate you will probably win the election."
"And how do I win the debate?"
"That's what we'll be learning for the next two days," said Twilight rather sternly. "Until then, I'll notify the press about your actual platform, and we'll wait until the debate to do anything else."
Celestia nodded. "Twilight Sparkle, I do not know what I would do without you."
Twilight smiled. "I don't know either."
Celestia took deep breaths, the reality of losing her position as princess finally hitting her. A brand new stage, podiums, and table had been built just for the event. In just two hours, the debate would be on, and the audience was already filling up the massive area that had been cleared out in anticipation. Ponies from every town and city were attending, hundreds of reporters with pens and paper standing ready at the front of the crowd, cameras hanging from their neck. Equestria as a whole had never been in such a fret about anything before, not even the changeling invasion.
Staring out of the window into the large crowd, she could only hope that Twilight's books had been right about how to win a political debate.
"Celestia!"
Twilight trotted in through the door, a clipboard floating in with her.
"Everything seems to be in order, the debate is scheduled to go on in about two hours. Are you ready?"
"I think I am ready."
"Do you remember our talks and the lessons from the book?"
"Yes." Celestia had forgotten when she stopped being the mentor and started being the student.
"Okay, let's just go over some basics. What do you do if you're asked a tough question?"
"Not answer it and answer a question that I like," answered Celestia on command.
"What happens if you don't know what to say?"
"I lie."
"What do you do if Luna starts pointing out holes in your plan?"
"I lie."
"What do you do if you don't know the answer to a question?"
"I lie." Celestia liked politics now, they were easy.
"How do you describe your plans and policies."
"Vaguely."
"Give me an example."
"My tax plan will fix the economy by putting more bits in the hooves of normal ponies."
"Great job!" Neither pony had any idea what a tax was, but the book used the word a lot, so they assumed it was important.
Twilight smiled, Celestia was ready.
"So, I've been looking at the polls from the past few days to see our progress in the race, and it turns out that Luna has you beat by a slim margin. It turns out that Luna's argument 'Celestia is smelly' somehow got the entire city of Hoofington to side with her, but that's okay, because you have Ponyville and Las Pegasus on lockdown. All you have to do is win this debate and the election is yours!"
Celestia nodded.
"Also, the left wing Amareicans are attacking our foreign policy plans so you'll have to crystallize that during the debate."
Celestia spread out her wings, trying to understand what they had to do with politics. Before she could ask Twilight, she was already onto the next topic.
"And finally, recent polls show the economic tendencies of the middle class are leaning toward loophole regulation and a cut on deductions."
"And that means?"
"I don't know, it's what the polls say." Twilight put her clipboard down. "Look, what's important is that you get out there and you win this debate. Do whatever it takes. Get dirty, get loud, yell if you have to, the book says ponies love it when you yell about things. As long as you sound like you know what you're talking about, everypony will just assume you do. Are you ready."
Celestia took a deep breath. "Yes."
"Good, debates in an hour thirty." Twilight picked up her clipboard and exited the room, leaving Celestia alone to rack her brain of all the knowledge she had accumulated about politics over the past few days.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello! My name is Jim Neigher and this is the first election in Equestrian history, ever, moderated by yours truly."
The crowd let out a reserved cheer, all eyes on the stage. Jim Neigher was a modest pony, one of the only ponies besides Twilight who had any knowledge about politics at all. His slick brown mane and shiny coat of gray fur defined him, and on this special occasion he was wearing a tie.
"Yes, this is a very special occasion. This is the first election in a very long time, and we're going to dive right into it. If you would, please welcome your two candidates, Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna!"
The crowd erupted into a loud applause as the two royal ponies strutted onto the wooden stage. They met in the middle of the two podiums and shook hooves, a silent tension between them. After the elongated hoofshake, the ponies returned to the podium on their respective side.
In the audience, Twilight found a spot near the front in the VIP section. She stared worriedly at the princess, hoping that she wouldn't blow it.
"Hey Twilight!"
Twilight snapped her neck toward the familiar voice. It was all too familiar. It was Pinkie Pie.
"Pinkie Pie! What are you doing here?" Twilight silently assumed that Pinkie had somehow bypassed security and managed to follow Twilight into the front of the crowd.
"To support Princess Luna, of course!"
Twilight furrowed her brow. "Pinkie, we're supposed to be helping Princess Celestia!"
"No, silly, I'm Princess Luna's adviser!"
Twilight's mouth dropped. "Adviser?"
"Yup!"
"But, you don't know anything about politics."
"Oh, come on Twilight, it isn't even hard. I even came up with the 'Celestia smells' slogan, isn't it great!"
Twilight tried to reply, but Jim Neigher spoke into his microphone.
"Alright, the debate will be ninety minutes, speaking time will be as even as possible between the two of you, but arguments will be permitted to occur civilly. Now, we will start the debate."
The crowd quieted down to absolute silence. Everypony wanted to hear the first words of the debate that would surely go down in history.
"Princess Celestia, you will start with your opening statements. You have two minutes." The entire area was silent, thousands of ponies gathered in one place yet not a peep whilst Celestia drew her lips to the microphone and prepared to speak.
The princess quickly cleared her throat, and in the crisp, confident tone that Twilight had taught her to use, she made history.
"Thanks, Jim, I'm glad to be here." Her voice was different, like none anypony had heard before. It was the voice of a politician.
"And I'm happy to be standing in front of the ponies of Equestria. Now I know that I this election was called because the general public was not happy with my work as princess, but I can promise you this: If elected, I will do everything I can to bring Equestria to a happier, better future."
Twilight smiled, all the practice had payed off.
"In the coming years Equestria needs a leader who will put the needs of the ponies of Equestria before their own, a leader who will help the economy and push the education system of Equestria to teach beyond elementary school. As you've seen, my previous policies as princess in immigration had an 100% success rate. We don't let anypony immigrate, it's as simple as that. I believe that simple is the way to go."
Celestia's calm voice was just a mask, her words parroted from practice sessions. On the inside, Celestia felt the politics eating her away, the prospect of losing her position as ruler of Equestria made her more nervous than she had ever been in her life. And to top it off, she had to debate her own sister. Yet, Celestia continued on.
"This nation was built off of the fundamentals that I put in place a long time ago, and I believe that I can continue to build Equestria on a bipartisan basis that will perpetuate these fundamentals throughout our future. I invite the ponies who may not agree with my current policies as ruler to exonerate me and allow me to show you that I am a benevolent leader who is willing to take your thoughts and concerns into consideration."
Twilight nodded her head along with Celestia's words. She was doing perfect.
"Now let's talk about my platform."
Twilight frowned.
"The platform is really grea-"
"I'm sorry but your time is up," cut in Jim. Celestia shot an annoyed smile at him, and respectfully quieted.
"Princess Luna, your turn. Opening statements, two minutes." Twilight could not help but let out a sigh.
"Greeting, ponies of Equestria!" yelled Luna. Everypony in the audience held their ears as Luna sheepishly retracted from the microphone. The technology was foreign to her. Ponies in the responded with a visceral groan.
With a quieter tone, Luna cautiously approached the microphone. "Greetings, ponies of Equestria."
The buzz of the crowd quieted down.
Suddenly, Luna's voice took a nosedive. She, too, adopted the refined voice of a politician, losing her quaint style of speech and dropping the royal "we". Celestia couldn't believe that it was her sister speaking, and Twilight simply gawked at Pinkie Pie, wondering what she had been telling Luna.
"Today is a revolutionary day for Equestria," started Luna. "A day where we come together to view what we wish to have in our future, do we wish to have change? Or do we wish to keep the same systems that have not worked for centuries. If elected, Equestria as a whole will see changes right away, not only benefits for the ponies who are struggling but also for those who are just in need of something extra. These policies currently in place have no place in modern times. It is time for a new princess to become ruler of Equestria, and that princess is me. My plan to fix Equestria is simple. Step one, cut back on spending, step two, champion small business, which is all business, step three, circulate more than four hundred bits at a time, step four, free chocolate for everypony. Thank you."
With almost all of her speaking time left, Luna stepped away from the microphone. Jim Neigher was baffled, but a murmur arose from the crowd, the only audible word among the chaos being "chocolate". The other three points Luna had made were lost in the fickle minds of the listeners.
Celestia scrunched up her nose. Chocolate for everypony? That was ludicrous!
"Alright, now that you've both had your opening statements it's time for questions, Celestia you will answer first," said Jim. Celestia nodded and gave a winning smile to the crowd, just as Twilight had said. Jim Neigher asked the question.
"As we all know Equestria completely lacks taxes of any sort. Many ponies see this as a problem, considering that the government has literally no money at all to do anything. How do you plan on fixing this?"
Celestia let the words broil in her head for a moment, allowing them to go through the political machine that she had situated in her brain, Twilight's words bouncing around and instructions from the book jumping into the mix.
She cleared her throat.
"That is an excellent question Jim and I'll tell you why. Equestria needs to stop focusing on taxes and start refocusing on our foreign commitments in other nations. For example, we need to stop allowing the changeling nations to form plots against Equestria and engage in peace seeking negotiations with them in order to solve the problem."
Jim looked confusedly at the paper he had beneath him, making sure he had asked the right question.
"Taxes, Celestia, not foreign policy. The ponies want to know what you will do about the lack of taxes."
Celestia's forehead moistened. Twilight had said that averting the question would work, and that they'd just move on. Apparently not. Celestia scrambled mentally to find something within the book that told her what to do, but all roads led back to avoiding the question. She realized that she'd actually have to answer the question.
"Taxes, yes, of course. Well, the lack of taxes in Equestria does, in fact, leave the government, which is me, with no money at all. But that is no problem, because Equestria runs on love and friendship and that's all that matters."
"That's nice, Luna, any response?" said Jim, immediately turning away from Celestia.
"Yes," said Luna, "I believe that taxes are a mandatory part of any government, and if elected I will impose a flat income tax on all working ponies."
"And how much will this tax be?"
Luna looked nervously at Jim. "Um, that will be revealed later. What matters now is that I've said that I will change the taxes."
"Good answer, Luna," said Jim, "Back to you Celestia, the nation is worried that you, and I quote, 'literally do nothing all day', is this true?"
"I am truly hurt by this statement," said Celestia, "I do plenty of things during the regular day. I wake up, I sit in the throne, and I listen to the complaints of the people and contemplate acting upon them. Sometimes I even go to a city within Equestria and make all the ponies bow to me so I can deliver a message. Also, I raise the sun in the morning, that's a little work. And whenever there's a problem I have six dedicated ponies on call to fix it for me. So, obviously, I spend more of my days sitting aroun- I mean galloping around making sure that nothing is wrong in Equestria and that the sun is, indeed, in the sky."
Jim Neigher nodded. "Alright, and Luna, would you like to say anything."
"Yes, I'd just like to say that Princess Celestia literally does nothing all day."
Celestia shot an angry glare at Luna, who simply ignored her and stared out into the audience. Celestia snorted quietly, her own sister ignoring her and making snide remarks.
"Alright, that brings us to our next topic. Celestia, how do you plan on fixing the economy?"
"Before I delve into the economy, I would just like to state that I metaphorically do nothing all day, Luna is a liar."
Jim fidgeted as Celestia stood silently, not delving into the economy.
"Um, okay, but what about the economy?"
Celestia snorted. "The economy will be fine once the platform smacks it around a bit. I plan to impose 75% tax rates and, um..."
Celestia's eyes drifted to look at Twilight, an echo of Twilight's voice ringing in her head. What was it saying though?
Riddle mass? Fiddle pass? Middle gas? Oh!
"And as for the middle class, I love em. Love em to pieces. I don't think the audience understands just how much I love the middle class. In fact, I love the middle class so much, they don't have to pay the 75% tax rates. In fact, they don't have to pay any taxes, because the middle class is the backbone of Equestria, and I love them."
Jim nodded. "Right, and how do you plan to cover the costs of the nation without taxing the middle class at all?"
"Jim," said Celestia, "When you love the middle class as much as I do, anything is possible. Am I right!"
The crowd remained silent.
"Okay then," said Jim. "Luna, what do you have to say about the economy?"
"The economy is obviously in shambles, and in order to fix it I propose that we champion the middle class. I'd just like to say that Celestia has done a most horrid job at maintaining the economy, and therefore any change is a good change. Also I love the middle class more than she does."
Celestia snorted again. "That's enough!"
Wings spread, Celestia charged Luna's podium.
"We'll be back right after this intermission," said Jim, signaling security onto the stage. The crowd watched as the stallions attempted to hold back the two princesses.
