Cthulhu is a Pretty Cool Guy

by DarkWing

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3315

Celestia invites Cthulhu over for some tea to discuss the weather.

Celestia invites Cthulhu over for some tea.

Published 2012-11-01 23:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-01 23:20:01 UTC

A Pleasant Cup of Tea Followed by a Talk About the Current Economic Crisis of the Griffon Kingdom and the Weather

It was midday when Celestia gave the orders to a pair of guards to set up a table for her, and that it had to be perfect. It was every three minutes that Celestia came into the room to make sure things were being prepared as she hoped. It was every three minutes that Celestia told them they were doing it wrong, only to leave the room to pace outside for the next few minutes.It was when she left for the fiftieth time that one of the guards, Curved Swords decided to question the Princess.

"Hey. Bound Shield," he said as the door closed behind Celestia. "What's with Celestia?"

"Hm?" the second guard muffled as he threw a tablecloth over said table, eyeing his partner curiously.

"Why does she want us to set up this table so bad? Isn't the large one in the dining hall always set up for guests?"

"Don't you know better than to question her highness?" he inquired, lifting his brow at him.

"You know she doesn't like to be called that."

"That's because she's being modest. We don't do it because we're told, we do it because we respect her," he said firmly.

Bound Shield had been a Royal Guard for quite a few years. It was only a few weeks ago that Curved Swords was assigned to be his partner. He knew that Curved Swords had only just joined the guard, thus doesn't know his place, but he also knew that the spry stallion had a bright future in the guard once he settled into things.

"Right, right," Curved Swords sighed, shaking his head as he put a vase with a few roses in it on the table. "But just who is her guest anyways? If it was an ambassador, she would be dining in the dining room as usual. You'd think that by the fact that she's making the guest come over to this part of the castle, she didn't want them to be seen, like it was her in-laws or something."

"She isn't married," Bound Shield muttered, giving his partner a look of annoyance now as he put a pair of plates on the table, placing a small white cup on the smaller of the plates.

"That's why I'm so curious," he nodded as he did the same on the other side of the table. "I mean, who does she dislike so much that they need to be quarantined like this? Or what if she likes the pony so much that she wants to be alone with them? What if it's a secret lover?"

"Knock it off." Bound Shield growled forcefully, not wanting to butt his head where it doesn't belong. "This is her business, not ours."

The doors then swung opened and an impatient Celestia walked inside, eyeballing the table like Shining Armor does with new recruits who aren't doing their jobs. The guards stared at her as she stared at the table, then stared at each other when Celestia turned to stare at them, not wanting to be stared at by her. There was a lot of staring going on, and the guards did not want to be a part of it.

"It will have to do," she sighed, smiling thinly at the guards. "Thank you for doing this on such short notice. I apologize if I seem rude by asking you to do this over and over again, and I also apologize for asking you to leave now."

"Why?" Curved Swords asked.

"Sorry about him," the older guard asked, stuffing his hoof in the other guard's mouth. "He's relatively new and doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut."

"That's alright, curiosity only hurts cats," she smiled, more naturally this time, then motioned her head to the door, politely willing them to leave.

The guards took the hint this time and trotted towards the door, side by side. As they walked out the door, Celestia shut it behind them, causing the guards to look at each other.

"She seems really stressed out," Curved Swords muttered.

"Afternoon, gentlecolts. Is the Princess of the sun around?" a voice asked from in front of them.

The guards' heads snapped towards the source of the voice, only to see a figure walking towards them. It walked on it's hind legs and wore a bluish-velvet garment that complimented it's green... skin? It's forelegs did not have hooves, but instead had several small appendages sticking out of the stump, one of which was holding a long, ebony cane. The guards then looked at it's face, and whatever curiosity they had for the thing vanished and was replaced by fear. It's head was barren of any hair, and instead had dozens of tentacles jutting out of the bottom of it's chin and under it's slimy eyes. It had a pair of wings coming out of the side of his head, which were close to it's bulbous eyes that seemed like he could look behind him. He also had an adorable top hat that made his appearance slightly less frightening. But not enough for the guards to lower into a defensive stance, ready to fight the creature no matter how scared they were.

"For the love of..." it sighed, then feigned a jump at them. "Boo!"

"Fall back!" the young guard yelped, running down the hall, away from the monster.

Bound Shield glared at his cowardly accomplice, then glanced back at the creature only to see that it's face was mere inches away from his.

"I'm glad you stayed," the thing chuckled, patting him on the head with his tentacles. "I hear pony flesh is as delicious as ever!"

"W-what?"

"Ah, where are my manners? My name is Cthulhu, what is your name?" the creature named Cthulhu asked curiously, holding up his hand as a friendly gesture.

"Cthul...who?" the now shaking guard asked fearfully, only having paid a small amount of attention. Then a few memories slipped into the part of his brain that was currently processing information. "W-wait, you mean that folklore creature of myth?"

"Please, I'm much more than a myth. I'm really more of a legend," he said seriously, eyes growing dark. "Now, I must ask again. Where is Celestia? I currently have plans with her and I do not wish to be late."

"In there," the guard said instantly, backing away and bowing his head at the door.

"Ah, thank you... what was your name again?" Cthulhu asked, stopping by the door.

"Bound Shield."

"Well, Bound Shield. You will be spared," the beast nodded, turning back to the door to knock on it. "You may leave now."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." Bound Shield said sheepishly before turning around and running away.

"You're welcome!" Cthulhu called out as he knocked on the door with his tentacles.

The doors opened a crack and a strangely acting Celestia poked her head out.

"Good afternoon, Tia," he said as he tipped his hat at her with his left most face-tentacle.

"Good afternoon, Cthulhu," she smiled happily as she pushed the rest of the door open, leaning her head to the side as an invitation to go in. "How was your trip?"

"Not too bad," he winked as he walked inside, eyes set on the table. "It seems every time I come, less and less ponies pick up torches and are generally more accepting of me."

"And who's to blame for them wanting to pick up torches?" she asked, nose crinkling at him.

"Why, whatever do you mean?" Cthulhu inquired in a hurt tone of voice, acting as if he has not done anything wrong.

"Well there was that time a few millenniums ago when you nearly wiped out every species on the planet..."

"Ponies are still going on about that?" Cthulhu rolled his eyes as he made his way to the neatly set up table. "It's been over thirty thousand years, get over it, ponies."

"Yes, they do tend to seem to hold onto the bad things about ponies..." Celestia said quietly while Cthulhu sat down and propped his hat up on the chair.

"Ah, Luna?" Cthulhu asked, scratching his chin with each of his tentacles as Celestia nodded at him. "At least I live in the seclusion of the ocean and don't come out that often. Luna must be having trouble fitting in after all those years."

"Not as bad as you would think," she ensured him as she took a seat on the other side of the round table. "Tea?"

"Thank you," he nodded, holding up his tea so Celestia could pour the hot liquid into his cup. Dipping one of his tentacles into the tea to test it, he yelped and whipped it back out.

"How many times have I told you not to do that?"

"Almost every time," he whimpered as he rubbed the burnt tentacle. "But you know me."

"As stubborn as a mule," she chuckled, pouring tea into her own cup. She lifted it to her mouth and lightly blew on it before taking a small sip. "So. Anything new with you?"

"I saw a mudcrab the other day..."

"Horrible creatures," she shuddered at the thought of the abnormal sea-creatures, making it infinitely more ironic due to who she was currently talking to. "I avoid them whenever I can."

"Indeed, but they're only horrible personality wise. With butter they're delicious," he said with a delighted chuckle. "Funnily enough, a mudcrab actually sold me butter one time. Then I ate him with it."

"I wouldn't know about how good they taste," she murmured with apparent disgust.

"Eugh, still on that veganism strike, are we?"

"It's not veganism. All ponies are herbivores," she muttered, annoyed that he had not yet grasped the concept that some creatures evolved to not eat meat.

"You keep telling yourself that," he chuckled as he sipped some tea. "Would you kindly pass the plate of croissants to me?"

"Very well," she nodded, doing what he asked. As he grabbed a couple croissants to put on his plate, she laughed when he tossed one of them in his mouth. "So what else is new in the sea?"

"Not too much. It's rather bland down there," she admitted as he began spreading some butter on one of the other croissants. "I haven't seen anybody in a while, actually."

"That's a shame. Have you thought about matchmaking service to find someone?"

"Please, I'm seven hundred thousand years old," he muttered, taking another sip of tea. "I'm far too old to do something like that."

"And you don't look a day over two hundred thousand," Celestia winked.

"Oh, you always know just what to say," he gushed, rubbing his neck feverishly with one of his tentacles. He then coughed, thinking of a way to change the subject. "So how goes things with the Griffon Empire?"

"It's going well. A treaty was put in place half of a millennium ago and it is still holding up."

"That's surprising" Cthulhu said seriously. "I assume their economy has suffered because of it?"

"Yes, it has," she said quietly, tapping a napkin on her muzzle. "I've done what I can by ordering Griffon made armor and weaponry for the Royal Guard, and though I paid a hefty sum for it, it has not helped as much as I had hoped. And you know how they are when you offer them charity..."

"As prideful as ever, those ones," he chortled. "It will be the death of them, I'm sure."

"Yes, I think so as well. They would have nothing but disdain for accepting charity from us "weak" ponies."

"In their defense, you are pretty weak," he coughed into his clenched fist, earning him a playful glare from Celestia. "What?"

"You and I both know I am not weak."

"No, but you're nowhere near my strength," Cthulhu said immodestly. "You should consider yourself lucky that I turned over a new leaf and stopped threatening to kill everyone. And then doing so seconds later."

"I guess I should be," Celestia nodded.

"Say, you haven't spoken to Ol' Necky in a while, have you?" Cthulhu prodded.

"Why?" she asked seriously, placing her cup back on her plate.

"No, no, no, you misunderstand. I'm just curious, is all," he said quickly, waving his hands in desperation.

"No, I haven't spoken to the Necronomicon in a few years," she said with a sigh of relief. "I actually locked him away. He's far too dangerous to just leave around as a conversational partner."

"That's not very nice," he noted sourly. "After all, if it wasn't for him we would have never met."

"That is true, but I don't like the fact that anypony could just pick him up and use him. You remember the last time somepony did that..." she said quietly, putting a small pinch of sugar in her tea.

"Ah, yes. Starswirl the Bearded," he said in a reminiscent tone. "Poor fellow. His love for magic ended up driving him mad and killing him."

"Killing him? He lived for years causing nothing but havoc! Casting spells that ruined ponies lives, cursing crops to never grow. The whole bit!"

"Ah, yes. Havoc. Wasn't he the one who inspired "you know who"?"

"Don't remind me," she grunted, taking a nibble from a small cookie. "With Discord in stone and the Griffons at peace, nobody is around to balance Harmony and Chaos."

"Missing the challenge?" Cthulhu asked curiously.

"No, ponies are beginning to think that Equestria has achieved lasting harmony," she tutted. "Nothing lasts forever, certainly not peace."

"Too true, Tia," he nodded firmly, then glanced out the window to watch as the sun moved in the sky. "So why isn't Luna dining with us?"

"I didn't tell her you were coming."

"You didn't?"

"No, because last time you were over you made a complete fool of yourself in front of her," Celestia groaned, remembering how angry her sister was when Cthulhu had pulled a rather harsh prank on her.

"Come on, how was I supposed to know she's afraid of spiders and snakes?"

"She's not, she was terrified of that horrible hybrid of the two."

"I call them sniders," he huffed, finishing off his cup of tea, then smiled at Celestia.

Celestia rolled her eyes and gave filled his cup up again, just to see him dip his tentacle in it again. Celestia sighed and looked out the window at the sun.

"You're not thinking about making it set faster to get rid of me, are you?" Cthulhu said, eyes looking down at the table.

"What? No, I-"

"Don't lie to me!" he sniffled, tears coming out of his eyes as he slammed the table in frustration. "You hate me!"

"No, I don't hate you," she said in a hushed tone, not wanting any of her guards or personnel to come in.

"No? Then why else do you hide me in these little rooms and introduce me to nobody?" he asked as he glanced at Celestia, wiping tears away with his shaking tentacles. "I know you're just putting up with me so I won't cause any trouble, even though I promised that I turned over a new leaf! I haven't done anything terrible in over five thousand years! I even opened up a sea daycare!"

"But didn't you eat all the merchildren that were dropped by?" she asked.

This only made Cthulhu's tentacles quiver with depression as he folded his arms on the table to bury his head to sob. Celestia sighed, got out of her table and walked next to him.

"Shh, shh, shh. Come now, Cthulhu, you know I like you," she said quietly.

"It's not like I blame you or anything," he sniffed, looking at his reflection in the window. "I mean, just look at me. It doesn't matter what I am on the inside when my outside looks like... this!"

"Hey, you don't look that bad," she assured him, patting him on the back.

"Yes I do," Cthulhu muffled into his arms as he fell into them again. "Slimy, scaly, repulsive, regunant... the list goes on!"

Celestia frowned at the sight of the blubbering monster. She could tell that he was trying to become a better monster, but he was finding it even harder than Luna did ever since she came back. Celestia walked closer to Cthulhu and tapped him on the shoulder, silencing his crying.

"What?" Cthulhu asked tiredly, looking straight at her.

"Boop," she said simply, lightly tapping him between the eyes.

"That's your solution to everything," he muttered sourly, but Celestia could see a smile creep out from under his tentacle face.

"Cthulhu, I need you to stop your crying. You're a strong, independent sea legend who don't need no pity," she said with a soft smile. "Aren't you?"

"I guess I am..."

"Aren't you?" she asked again.

"Y-yes!" he nodded, clenching his hand into a fist to pound the table.

"Say it!"

"I am a strong independent sea legend who don't need no pity!" he growled, slamming his fist onto the table, sending the contents of the table flying upwards an inch.

"Good," she said happily before taking a seat at her end of the table again. "So."

"So," he nodded, drinking from his tea that hadn't spilled during the outburst. "How about that weather? Pretty cold, huh?"

"Indeed. It's getting close to winter again."

"Yay, more holidays to spend alone," he grumbled sarcastically.

"You really are a pessimist, aren't you?"

"Celestia, look at who you're talking to," he coughed.

"I... guess I can see what I can do about getting you over here for the holidays. Maybe introduce you to the new Elements of Harmony. I'll have to tell them a while in advance, though."

"And tell them that you haven't been mind-controlled," he added slyly, earning him a laugh from Celestia.

"I think they'll believe me when I tell you how long you've been waiting to get friends," she said seriously, her smile growing bigger as Cthulhu's did.

"I suppose I should be off," he sighed as he placed his hat back on his head. "Thank you for having me over. It was... nice."

"Not at all, drop by... er, any time," she smiled crookedly.

"You know you can call me if you ever need me," he said hesitantly. "Unless you've forgotten."

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn," she said with a wink.

"Er, yes, that," he blushed, giving her a curt bow before turning around to walk out the door. "Have a fine day, Tia."

As he walked out the door, Celestia shut the door behind him to clean up. With a sly smile, Cthulhu looked down the hall and strutted down it, thinking happy thoughts until he came across a door where there was some hushed voices arguing. He snickered and went onto his knees and looked through the keyhole in the door, seeing the two guards from earlier standing near a large window.

"Way to ditch me back there," Bound Shield growled, wanting to strike his friend over the head.

"I'm sorry, I thought maybe you saw that thing!" Curved Swords said sarcastically as he shuddered violently.

"I did, but I'm also a soldier. I know not to back down in the face of danger."

"That thing didn't have a face of danger, it had a face of undeniable horror..."

Cthulhu then kicked open the door and let out a high-pitched, blood-curdling scream. The two guards yelped and jumped towards the window, completely shattering the glass. Cthulhu yelped as he ran to the broken window and glanced down to see two twitching and slightly bloodied guards on the ground. Cthulhu slowly turned around, began whistling and ran out of the room to get back to his home before Celestia could find him.