Shave

by Hooves Like Jagger

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 1522

A story of intrigue

The recounting of a common Nightmare Night Story in Canterlot.

Published 2012-11-01 20:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-01 20:50:01 UTC

The Story

Shave

In the olden days, the stallions of Canterlot grew out their beards as a sign of sophistication. Countless authority figures and celebrities sported beards: the Captain of the Guards, the court wizard Starswirl the Bearded, and all the up and coming stallions had beards. Most of them were well-groomed, well-kept, and reasonably sized. The vast majority of Canterlot's grooming was done domestically. It was a point of pride to have a self-made beard and image. The entirety of Canterlot enjoyed admiring the work of their fellow stallion and there wasn't a stallion among the populace who would imagine life in Canterlot any other way.

No stallion, but one.

Straight Razor was a clean shaven pegasus who worked as the only barber in Canterlot. One would imagine that being the only barber in a society that valued a well-groomed beard would be a lucrative and glamorous business, but that was not the case. Razor's business never catered to a single customer day in and day out. The stallions of Canterlot were much too content with doing their own grooming.

Falling deep into poverty, Straight Razor plead to the Princess Celestia. He told her of his plight and how nopony would ever visit his establishment. He made a selfish request: decree that stallions shall only be shaven by the barber. The Princess, who took pity on the poor soul, couldn't see the harm in making his suggestion law. It came to be that everypony is shaven by the barber.

At first, the populace was outraged. They refused to visit Straight Razor for a shave, but their love for the Princess made it impossible to disobey her order. Unable to groom themselves, the stallions of Canterlot grew shaggy and unkempt. Their beards stretched all the way to the ground and began to smell horrible. Finally, the stallions chose to submit themselves to Straight Razor.

The decision turned out to be an excellent one.

Straight Razor wasn't a barber for nothing. He cut, washed, groomed, and ultimately tamed each and every beard in Canterlot. He did so one at a time with razor, shears, cream, or comb. The stallions were impressed by his level of work, a level that they have never achieved on their own. Straight Razor was happy too, seeing as he got everything he initially desired. He earned money, fame, and even power. With a flick of his razor, Canterlot's only barber could soil or make your reputation.

The stallions of Canterlot were indebted to Straight Razor. They regretted ever overlooking his abilities. Wanting to find some way to make it up to him, some of the stallions of Canterlot decided to pay a visit to Princess Celestia. They told her to make an amendment to the "everypony is shaven by the barber" law. Straight Razor was only one stallion, but he had to cater to all the stallions of Canterlot. They were afraid that all these days of shaving pony after pony was tiring him out. Princess Celestia agreed, realizing it was ridiculous to saddle a single pony with the responsibility of shaving everypony. Princess Celestia made a little change to the first law.

Everypony is shaven by the barber, but those who are not shaven by the barber shave themselves.

The law passed and life in Canterlot went on as normal. Ponies continued to visit the barber when they needed high quality grooming and Straight Razor didn't mind the lightened load. Everypony was happy and everypony was satisfied. Stallions even noticed that the normally clean shaven Straight Razor grew out his facial hair. Everypony was happy to see him getting in vogue.

A few weeks after the law changed, a few stallions noticed some odd quirks in Razor's behavior. There were times where they would find him just staring into the shop's mirror with his razor in his hoof, but they never saw him make a move to shave. Other times they would find him sitting in his chair as if waiting for the barber himself, but of course the barber never came because Straight Razor was the only barber.

A month passed and the stallion's facial hair was growing out of hand. His friends and customers urged him to shave, but the stallion only ever replied "I was just going to this afternoon." He developed even more odd habits. Ponies passing by often caught him walking out of his store into the street, turning right around, and then walking right back into his store. Sometimes when customers came in he would ask them if they were there to shave him. No one ever did shave him, as his beard just kept growing as time went by.

As his peculiar behavior just became too much to handle, ponies stopped visiting him all together. Young ponies watched his antics from the shop window, putting their hooves over their eyes in order to look into the dark establishment. They would watch him sit in his chair for hours on end or stare into the mirror. Wherever he went, he took his razor with him; he held it at the ready, but never used it.

One day, Straight Razor got into a spat with some of the Royal Guards. Razor's beard was long, thick, and making it hard for ponies to walk through the street around him. A guard approached him and told him to shave, a question to which Straight Razor only replied, "How?"

Guards kept coming as the argument with the barber escalated. Nopony around could hear what they were talking about aside from the initial two questions, and when asked the guards who interrogated him just said he was crazy.

The stories about the mad barber spread like wild fire. Some stories said that he'd shaven so may ponies other than himself, he couldn't remember how to shave his own face. Other stories said whenever he tried to shave a hair of his chin, it would instantly grow back, but it would grow back twice as long. Still more stories insisted that his greed had cursed him to never be able to shave again.

Of course, all of these stories were just baseless conjecture. Nopony could prove any of them, but nopony could find the true reason Straight Razor had lost his sanity.

Then came the incident with the young mare outside his shop. Straight Razor had apparently seen her reflection staring at him from outside his shop. Enraged, he stormed out and confronted her. He raved at her like a madpony, and when she tried to run he didn't let her. The guards had to break up the scuffle. When they managed to get the poor mare away from Razor, they found she had been cut and slashed in multiple places.

Charged with assault, Straight Razor was thrown deep in jail. It was only a few years of sentencing, but the last time anypony saw Straight Razor alive was his trail.

Soon after the news of his death reached the masses, more stories bled out to the masses. Ponies claimed that the barber, in desperation, had whittled his teeth to fangs with his razor. They said he used these teeth to attack that young mare. Another story claimed that under his wild mane, he had cut his eyes to slits in a shaving accident. One other story said that Straight Razor had mangled his ears trying to shave his beard, leaving his ears with odd protrusions.

There is one more, popular story that claimed his soul was too heavy with his beard to fly on to the next world, so he still wanders the streets of Canterlot. He goes up and down the streets at night, searching with his razor close at hoof. Ponies who have claimed to see him say he looks exactly as the stories say, but that his beard is well shaven. Some fanatics have suggested that Nightmare Moon herself shaved him when he died, and as payment he must deliver to her a soul for every hair she shaved off.

Historically, Straight Razor is known to have actually lived and worked as a barber. There is also documented evidence that the aforementioned law about grooming was indeed passed and that a pony named Straight Razor was jailed on account of assault. His release and holding cell are not documented anywhere.

The holding cell is a place of curiosity because it was the fuel for many of the stories told about him. Being the supernatural phenomenon with the most recorded sightings, Straight Razor's ghost has plenty of ponies looking for his fabled place of death. It is a curiosity because of one picture taken of the cell after his death.

There is a glint in the corner of the photograph that some claim is his razor, but since no one has been to the cell to prove it that remains a mystery. The picture did, however, shed light on one aspect of Straight Razor's plight. On the wall is very clearly etched his final plea for help, the question that must have been haunting him for all those years:

Who shaves the barber?