No Shave November Goes Too Far

by BookWyrm

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Flim and Flam, Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy
Length: 9676

its funny just read it

this is for all the beards!!!

i plan to do several installments over the course of the story: so please check up every now and again for updates, .

It has become a funny sort of tradition among the males of equestria to not trim their facial hair during the month of November. Most of the mares just roll their eyes at the idea. But what happens when the flim flam brothers flood equesria with their newest flim flam facial follicle facilitating foam?

Malarkey ensues...

The mane six, and all the females of equestria take radical action... Except for Luna?!

Published 2012-11-02 05:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-01 08:05:44 UTC

Masculine Manly Manness = Beards

i thought of this story after cutting myself really, really badly shaving at midnight... its funny

It was a brisk and cloudy morning over Equestria. The air had just become visible breath cold. All across the land ponies rousted themselves and begun their morning routines. Alarm clocks went off, too early for any sane pony to be up. The calls from nature where answered. Mares stepped on scales and grimaced. Stallions picked up their shaving cream, ran hot water, picked up their razors… but then gave pause.

Just like that, everypony with a Y chromosome suddenly stopped in their deeply engrained morning routine and quickly checked the date.

…Calendars where checked…

Thursday, November first…
Every stallion in Equestria chuckled a little to themselves as they rinsed their faces off and stowed their razors, trimmers, clippers, scissors, and all other manner of hair removal implement for the long haul. For it was No Shave November, the magical time of year where every stallion in all of equestria decided to let their face fuzz grow out. Wearing a scruffy grizzled look was a thing of great pride for all the males of equestria ,at this time of year anyways. It was a small but visible bit of raw masculine manliness in a world of techni-colored, talking ponies.

It was on this morning, with every stallion suddenly deciding to grow a beard, moustache, or other such bit of facial hair, that a certain set of traveling sales ponies nonpareil saw an opportunity.

………………

Meanwhile…

Twilight Sparkle was sitting in the library main room of ponyville enjoying a quiet mid-morning read. The lavender mares eyes quickly dodged from left to right, desperately soaking up every little bit of information they could about her latest topic of interest… in this case it was the origin of Coffee in equestrian culture.

Twilight looked up from her reading for a moment and mused at the notion of Pinkie Pie drinking coffee, but quickly dismissed the ideas of absolute mayhem that might ensue as silly. Twilight smiled to herself and went back to her reading about the Zebafrican Coffee trade, it was fascinating…

…

… no it wasn’t.

Twilight blinked, why wasn’t Zebafrican Coffee trade interesting now? It had been just a moment ago… wait!

Twilight realized that something was weighing heavy on her mind. Things where calm… too calm… and whenever things in ponyville became too calm it meant that the pink cotton candy clouds of chaos were gathering. Twilight gulped, and her eyes widened in a moment of pure dread. Something was about to happen, she could sense it! Any second now something absolutely insane would come smashing into her life of quiet reading and throw the lavender mare, and probably a few of her friends for a loop…

…

Twilight waited…

…

…

…

…

The library was calm. Nothing was happening. Twilight released a breath and physically relaxed.

“I’m just psyching myself out,” she reassured herself, “nothing is going to happen, I just need to relax, its all in my head.” Twilight smiled. She steeled her resolve and buried her head back into her book. Nothing would go wrong today, nothing had gone wrong in a long while, things would be normal…

…

…

…

Nope!

Just as twilight began to read again and managed to forget about her little panic attack, Spike, her number one baby dragon assistant burst through the front door practically tearing it off its hinges ad he crashed through the library.

BANG!!! (door fly’s off hinges)

“TWILIGHT!!!” The purple drake shouted as he looked around the room for the mare.

But Twilight was not in the main room…where she had been only seconds before… no… wait… spike looked up to the ceiling and saw his Lavender legal guardian hanging from the ceiling by her horn, her eyes open wide in shock, her body curled in a little ball, shaking like Fluttershy.

The loud bang of the dragon’s entrance had startled Twilight so much that she had jumped right to the ceiling and imbedded her horn into it.

“Twilight what are you doing up there?” Spike asked from the floor, looking up at the mare dumbly.

Twilight uncurled herself and just hung from the ceiling for a moment, glaring down at Spike venomously.

“I WAS trying to read!” she said.

…

Spike just gawked up at twilight for a moment, considering the statement.

…

“Twilight it’s easier to read books when your closer to them.” He said, wondering how his Lavender friend would ever get along without him.

Twilight opened her mouth to retort. But then realized the futility of the conversation and closed it again. In any event, she was still hanging limply form the ceiling like a living piñata.

Twilight tried to wiggle her horn loose for a moment… nothing happened. The mare flailed her legs for a moment, making exasperated groaning sounds… still no effect. Finally Twilight used her forelegs to pry herself out, pushing away from the ceiling as hard as she could. That did it; the ceiling cracked a bit and gave way, sending the lavender mare tumbling to the floor with a thud.

“ow, ow, ow, Ouchy!” Twilight grumbled to herself, checking her horn for damage… none… good.

Spike walked over and good naturedly helped the unicorn up from the ground, brushing some of the ceiling dust off of her with his claws.

“You okay?” Spike asked.

“Yeah,” Twilight replied a bit crossly.

“Good!” Spike said smiling, “Twilight, can you use your magic to give me a mustache again, please?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow, it had been months sense spike had asked for a mustache.

“Spike we’ve been over this, Rarity doesn’t like facial hair.” She reminded her assistant.

“We never confirmed that!” Spike shouted back in denial, but then came down from his denial, “and this isn’t about that.”

“Then why do you want a mustache?” Twilight asked.

“Well, first off because they are awesome…” Twilight rolled her eyes, what was it with guys and facial hair? “… and second off because it’s No Shave November.”

Twilight looked at her assistant blankly.

“It’s what?” she asked.

“It’s No Shave November,” Spike Repeated and explained, “all the Stallions grow out there facial hair for the month of
November, Big Mac just told me about it, it’s awesome!”

Twilight asked the obvious question... a question that every Mare asked whenever they were told of this tradition.

“Why?”

Now spike rolled his eyes.

“Because it’s awesome.” He said with a vocal inflection that oozed with ‘well Duh!’

“Ok…” Twilight didn’t really have an argument for or against that logic… but then again, she tended to prefer her stallions clean shaven. “So how does stallions growing out their facial scruff pertain to you wanting a mustache?” Twilight thought it was a perfectly valid question… Spike was giving her a look though.

“Come on, twilight, please?” The baby dragon pleaded with puppy dog eyes, “I don’t want to be left out.”

Twilight looked down at her dragon assistant for a moment. She thought the entire thing sounded stupid… but… it clearly meant a lot to the little guy, and Twilight had been piling on the chores lately…so…

“(Sigh)… Okay... hold still” Twilights horn glowed with its purple magic aura and aimed down at spikes face. After a few
moments, a thick luxurious mustache sprouted into existence just above his mouth. The spell dissipated and twilight inspected her handiwork.

Spike brought his hands up to his face and felt his new stache, a smile spread across his face.

“Thank you Twilight!” he said jumping over and hugging the mare.

Twilight smiled down at her assistant. She thought he looked much better without the facial hair, but he was happy, that’s what counted in the end.

Spike ran out of the library to show off his new mustache. Twilight meanwhile decided to go out to the market. The mare gathered some bits and her favorite saddle bag, and after fixing the door with her magic, went off into the cold morning air, towards the shopping district. little did she know the disastrous chain of events she had just set into motion.

............

Applejack and Big Mac had been selling apples for most of the morning at their stall set up in Ponyville shopping district. Applejack was bundled up in a coat and her usual Stetson for the chilly weather, but Mac wore only his yoke, as usual. What wasn’t usual for Big Mac, was that his trim face was now blemished with a disappointingly thin bit of peach fuzz.

“Big Mac, your beard still isn’t coming in is it?” Applejack asked curtly.

Big mac looked down in shame, his hoof instinctively moving to feel his facial fuzz. The big red stallion had never been able to grow a beard in his entire adult life. the stallion had gone so far as to not shave for a whole two weeks before No Shave November to try and get the dang thing going... but to no avail.

“Nope.” He said.

“Then why do this no shave thing?” Applejack fumed, “It seems silly to look so scruffy for a month and scare away customers. Honestly, half of our customer base is just mares looking to talk with the big handsome stallion! That peach fuzz just makes you look plum silly.”

Big Mac glared at his sister for a moment. something about her using his looks to drum up business seemed... well it didn't sit right with him. But the stoic stallion decided to just stay quiet.

Applejack scoffed at her brother and went back to the task at hand of standing quietly and waiting for customers to buy apples. Then something caught the farm ponies attention… a sound… a very familiar sound… like a bunch of gears meshing together in a clunky but catchy rhythm.

Applejack scanned the streets for a moment and then she saw it, off in the distance, throwing up a big bunch of steam as it rolled into town.

“It can’t be!” She said in disbelief.

Big mac followed his sister gaze and looked off to see what had alarmed her so.

…

“Yup…” he said, his red scruffy face hardening.

Rolling down the road, in an even more peculiar mode of transport than before, sitting on a mounted sofa, wearing their straw hats and sale pony duds, where the Flim Flam brothers.

To be continued very soon… please comment :{)> happy November!

Whiskers are Wonderfull

Holy frig! lots of readers, thanks everypony! please leave a comment on the story, i live for those things.

It was a pleasant sort of practice in Canterlot Castle for the Royal Pony Sisters to eat together, breakfast for one, Dinner for the other. This brisk autumn morning was no exception. In the large dining room, at an oversized banquet table the royal pony sisters sat across form one another enjoying their meals and catching up on the events of the past night, which had been Nightmare Night.

Luna sat happily at her sisters’ breakfast, sipping dessert wine with ice cream and munching on her candy offering as she recounted her Nightmare Night excursion to Ponyville during the previous night. Nightmare Night had been a complete success. Pony citizens had not cowered in fear… unless Luna intended them too… and all had gone smoothly. Luna was riding out an emotional high of love and adoration from her beloved subjects. As such, sleep, such a petty thing, seemed unnecessary. Nay! Sleep was for the weak, Luna could sleep when she was having black mood.

“… and then one of the bolder stallions asked us to dance! Oh goodness the very thought... we did our best to let him down easy… and we’re pretty sure that the guards would have throttled him if they saw.” Luna giggled to herself as she fished out a small butterscotch something or other from her candy.

(Fun fact they had… and they did…)

Celestia had been listening intently to her sister chatter on like a school filly. But the topic of stallions brought up several questions that Celestia had been wondering about since Luna’s Return. A thousand years ago, the royal pony sisters had had a royal harem… chock full of Stallions… and more mares than Celestia cared to admit. Even today, a thousand years later, Celestia still occasionally got drunk and grabbed one of the Royal guard noobs for a night of mind blowing alicorn solar goddess stress relief… (several recruits had actually sustained broken bones…worth it) This train of thought got Celestia to wondering…

“Luna?”

“Hmm? Yes Tia?”

“I was just wondering…” Celestia was flustered, a rare thing for her in her advanced age. Lunas presents had that effect though. Luna was probably the only other being on the planet who was old enough to remember Celestia before she was… well… Celesia.

“What is it sister?” Luna asked.

“um… how have you… um…” Celestia hesitated, stuttered, stammered, and then… “Oh nothing!” Celestia gave up. Celestia just couldn’t think of an eloquent way to ask if Luna was getting any.

Just then a one of the butlers appeared to serve Celestia a glass of orange juice. Celestia thanked him, but didn’t pay him much mind. Luna however, had paused in her pursuit of a spoonful of ice cream and was staring.

The stallion butler was nothing special really. He was tall, but fairly gangly. Clean cut but uninteresting. The only real distinction of this butler from the hundreds of others like him, all dressed in similar jackets and bow ties, was this stallions
face, which was adorned with a neatly combed beard and moustache goatee.

Luna gawked for almost a full ten seconds before the stallion glanced over to her and realized that she had been staring. Luna quickly looked away and blushed a bit at being caught.

“Would here be anything else for you your highness?” the Butler asked politely.

“Oh…um… no, we are fine thank you.” Luna replied, refusing to look up from her ice cream.

The butler bowed and departed.

Celestia was too lost in thought, sipping her juice to notice the exchange. The truth to Luna’s love life was depressingly dry. Stallions of this age where... lacking in something. A special something that Celestia would never understand Luna’s
fondness for.

Luna had a thing for beards…

……..

Meanwhile…

Big Mac and Applejack watched as the huffing puffing locomotion machine and the Flim Flam brothers rolled into town and settled to a stop at the center of the market square. The two tall yellow sales ponies disembarked, both looking smug… or they would have, but both of their faces where covered in thick beards and perfect moustaches, effectively making them twins. A small crowd gathered around to see what the commotion was about.

Applejack ran over to confront them, big mac trotting behind, though more to keep her out of trouble than anything else.

“Aye thought we made it clear to you two last time! We don’t want your rotten cider here!” Applejack shouted, getting right in their faces.

Flim and Flam both exchanged a glance, but seemed at ease.

“No, no, we got that the first time. In fact my dear, we have all but left the cider business.” Said Flim, recognized by his
voice.

The two brothers took applejack by the shoulder and turned her round to show off their new transport machine. Effectively the same as the last one, but more stream line and with a fresh coat of red paint.

“You see my dear miss apple, after we left town last time, my brother and I did a little moral inventory and realized our big problem last time was that we sacrificed quality for quantity.”

“You’all forgot about trying to take over our farm!” Applejack stated crossly.

“Yes, well that was our other problem.” Said Flam removing his hat in revenant memory, “we took it upon ourselves to challenge an operation far greater in qualitative and quantitative scope than our own.”

“So,” flim picked up, “we set about looking into other fields, and this great machine is the result.”

The two stood back to back and removed their straw hats, announcing to the crowd.

“The flim flam facial follicle facilitating foam dispensary 7000!”

Applejack, along with every mare in the crowd gawked at the two blankly.

Big Mac, along with every Stallion and colt in the crowd, perked up their ears.

“uhh…what?” asked Applejack, raising an eyebrow.

“You see,” Flim announced more to the crowd than to Applejack now, “after a full year of research and study, my brother and I have unlocked the secret! We have created the indispensable tonic for anyone who wishes to grow a thick, full, beard of moustache!”

“um…” Applejack was effectively thrown for a loop. She didn’t trust the Flim Flam brothers after what they had done to her family… but… Applejack couldn’t really run them out of town… and their new product idea seemed so… stupid.

“My brother and I are so confident in our product here, that we have a little wager for anyone willing to give it a try…” said Flim to the crowd.

“For the cost of a measly three bits a tin,” Flam held up a small tin with the flim flam bro’s logo embossed upon its top, “we wager that anyone who tries our product will have a thick full beard and moustache in a matter of three days after first application!”

Most of the mares rolled their eyes and began to dissipate form the crowd, the Stallions however where at full attention.

“If the flim flam facial follicle facilitating foam doesn’t work for you, my brother and I will make amends with a sack of one hundred bits!” Flim pulled a small chest form the machine and opened it up, reviling the golden bits promised.

Flim and Flam then walked over to their machine and pressed a small button on its side. A counter and registered folded out from the side of machine; a shelf containing hundreds of tins was reviled. Flim and Flam stood by for a moment and let things sink in for the crowd.

“So,” they said both said confidently, “who is first?”

…

…

…

Nopony moved… nopony said anything…

…

Big Macintosh stepped forward and walked up to the counter. All eyes were on him, including Applejack who watched with a cocked eyebrow. The giant red workhorse smacked three bits down on the counter and said.

“Yup.”

Flim and Flam gave smug smiles and pushed the bits back at Mac.

“For you Mr. Apple, no charge, good faith and all that.” Flim said with a smile, handing Mac a tin.

Mac examined the thing and opened it with ease. Inside was a bit of white foam. Mac took some on his hoof, and rubbed it
on his face… it tingled for a moment, and then just felt warm.

The rest of the stallions in the crowed began lining up for the flim flam facial follicle facilitating foam.

Mac and Applejack went back to their own stand, and actually enjoyed a little boom in sales due to the large crowd of stallions that formed around the other stand.

Between customers, Applejack decided to voice her concerns.

“You know Mac,” she said, “there is a fair chance that stuff is just a scam.”

“Yup” said Mac, who reopened the tin and applied the foam again. Mac wasn’t sure, but he could have sworn that his scruff was longer than it had been before.

To be continued…

My first beard!

edit
sorry it took so long, but this one is a bit longer though... i hope you all like it. leave a comment... seriously any comment, tell me about your day... I'm bored

Twilight had been perusing the market for about an hour now. She had bought milk, bread, parchment, and a small box of litmus paper. she was nearing the center of the market now to buy a dozen apples from her friend Applejack, who twilight knew would be working today with her brother.

As twilight approached the Apple family stall she was forced to circumvent a very large crowd of stallions, near every stallion in town. at the center of the crowd was some sort of... train? Twilight was about to investigate further when she noticed none other than Applejack waving her over to the apple family stall.

Twilight walked over and greeted her friend...

"Hi Applejack, what’s all that about?" She asked.

Applejack rolled her eyes and huffed a bit.

"Those darn Flim Flam brothers," she said, "seems they're out of the cider businesses and on to selling some kind of stallions beard cream."

Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"Really... that seems... dumb."

Applejack nudged her older brother.

"Yup...this big brother o' mine went and got himself some and now all of the stallions are out here."

Big Mac was happy his red coat hid his blushing... he just shrugged off his sisters mocking and nodded.

"Yup."

Mac produced the tin of foam and showed it to his sisters friend.

Twilight eyed the tin and asked Mac if she could take a look at it. mac nodded and handed it off to the Mare who turned it over in her hooves examining the tin for some kind of drug facts, or ingredients list, or something... but their was no such information other than the brand logo on the tin lid.

Twilight opened the tin up and looked at the contents... a slightly greenish white foam that smelled alkaline.

"What’s in this stuff?" Twilight asked.

Applejack and Mac exchanged glances and both shrugged...

"Don’t know..." they said.

Twilight looked concerned... this stuff could be anything.

"So all these Stallions are all buying this stuff without any idea what’s in it? why? the Flim Flam brothers are known swindlers! For all we know it could be dangerous! What kind of unholy catchy song did they sing to get everyone to ignore the risk!?"

"Easy sugar cube," said Applejack, “they offered a might generous product warranty for the stuff."

"A warranty?" Twilight asked.

"Well ay don't know what else to call it." Said Applejack rubbing the back of her head, "they say that if the stuff doesn’t work like they said, than they would shell out a hundred bits... seemed pretty confident in the stuff."

Twilight considered this... but was still a bit... hesitant.

"I'm going to go over and ask them what’s in this stuff," Twilight said handing mac his tin back.

Twilight walked over to the crowd and after some shoving and several...

"Excuse me, sorry..."'s

Twilight found herself face to face with two tall beaded ponies, who may very well have been twins.

The two stallions exchanged glances as Twilight approached... not sure of what to make of this vaguely familiar mare.

"how can we help you miss?" Said Flim with a smile.

"yes um..." Twilight was a bit thrown off by the beard, "I was wondering what kind of clinical testing you used on your product. I also was wondering if I could see an ingredients list."

Flim and Flam both frowned a little bit, but Flam walked over to the machine and pressed a little button. A large file cabin rolled open form the machine. After a moment or two of rifling through files produced a large manila folder containing several thick packets. The bearded Stallion levitated the thing to twilight.

"There you are Miss," said Flam, "that's trial testing procedure and results, checked and double checked. Along with an active ingredient list. Always available upon request."

The packet was about fifty pages, containing everything for mentioned and more... all written in big, overcomplicated language, made to confuse any normal pony... thankfully, Twilight was very well read.

"I'd also like a test sample if you don't mind," twilight said as she began to peruse the packet.

Flim and Flam both smiled then.

"Three bits a tin miss." They both said.

Twilight came out of her little reader’s world for a moment and blushed a bit. She passed three bits to the two brothers and took a tin of the Facial Follicle Facilitating Foam.

Twilight shoved the packet and tin into her saddle bag and properly forgot about her shopping excursion. The lavender mare walked back to the library and proceeded down to her lab, where she began to studiously read the packet well into the night.

...

The next day...

Big Macintosh Apple had never really been a proponent of sleeping in. in fact he was usually up with the sun for a day of hard work. But for some odd reason, on this day, November second, Big Mac felt content to sleep in... His mind drifting in and out of dream and lucid state with little distinction between the two.

It wasn't until nine O'clock that Applejack, who had gotten up and gotten to work, decided that enough was enough and went inside the Apple family homestead, up the stairs and bucked in the Macs bedroom door to roust her brother from his lazy slumber.

The door slammed open.

"Alright now, time to get up!” Shouted the Stetson wearing mare.

Mac just laid there on his undersized wooden bed, curled up under a big bunch of patchwork blankets, groaning slightly as he writhed in the drowsy stiffness of sleep.

Applejack grimaced at her big lump of a brother. Normally Mac was up for over an hour before Applejack, so the chance to wake her brother was a welcome bit of younger sibling empowerment too good to let pass by.

Applejack walked over to her brother’s bed took in a sharp breath and proceeded to shout at the very top of her twangy voice...

"RISE AND SHINE MACINTOSH!!!" she bellowed right at the lump of quilt that was Macs head.

That did it...

Mac shot up; throwing the blankets off himself, his crusty eyes open wide, his teeth grinding from the start his sister had given him.

Mac saw the source of the shout and his adrenal gland proceeded to un-knot itself as mac calmed down and glanced over to the clock on the wall. Realizing how late it had gotten, mac grunted and got up and out of the bed and quickly made it. Applejack just stood by... Mac was to grumpy and tired to wish her a good morning. With his bed done, the red workhorse sleepily trudged to the door to answer natures call in the bathroom down the hall.

Leaving Applejack stunned into silence in his room...

The mare stood rooted to the spot by macs bed, her brain trying to work out what exactly it had just seen. Applejack just stood stunned for a good minute before she finally shook her head and cleared her thoughts enough to stutter out an articulated word...

"W-w-what?!” She asked to herself.

...

Meanwhile, down the hall in the bathroom mac had just finished reliving himself and walked over to the sink to wash his hooves and brush his teeth. In his drowsy state Mac was working entirely on auto pilot. he stood up on two hooves leaning himself against the sink his head hung low in a half sleep as he ran some water over his hooves.

Mac grabbed his toothbrush (red one) from the little holder and put a little bead of toothpaste on the bristles. Mac held the little brush under the running water and brought it up to his mouth, brushing all his teeth right to left, and up and down...

Mac glanced up at his reflection in the mirror...

...
...
...

The toothbrush stopped moving and hung in macs slack jaw until it fell into the sink forgotten...
...
...
...
...

Mac was at an even greater loss for words that usual. For on his face Mac saw a great big brilliant...

"Big Mac, what in tar nation is that thing on your face!" shouted Applejack from the hall outside the bathroom, banging on the door several times before deciding to just burst in.

Her eyes widened as her earlier vision of her brother proved true. For on macs muzzle, was a shaggy, fully formed...
"Dag nab-bit what’s all this commotion?" Granny Smith shouted from the hall pocking her head into the bathroom. The elderly mare squinted her eyes at her two grandchildren for a second or two... There was Applejack in her Stetson... And there was Macintosh with a brand new, and snazzy looking...

"Why is everyone in the bathroom?" asked Applebloom from the hall. The youngest of the apple clan poked her head inside to see the commotion. She took in the sight and then gave a gasp in surprise worthy of Pinkie Pie. ”Big Mac!" the filly exclaimed, " when did you grow a..."

Just then Caramel, the farm hand, decided to check up on his bosses, who had left him outside without instructions.

"hay y'all alright in here, i was just..." the tan stallion poked his head inside the bathroom to see what the commotion was... "Shoot, Big Mac, that's a right fine looking..."

Just then Braeburn Apple, in town for the Apple family reunion, appeared down the hall to announce his arrival from Appleloosa... "Morning y'all, what’s the..."

Pretty soon it was the whole apple clan, all lined up in the hall, down the stairs, out the door, all waiting to see what the big commotion was about up in the bathroom of the Apple family homestead. Each on popping their head in, asking what was going on, only to stop mid-sentence to marvel at Big Macintosh, only to be interrupted in their praise by the next curious onlooker in the line.

Mac really wished he had remembered to flush the toilet...

But thankfully, most of the family hadn't noticed being far to distracted by Big Macintosh's brand new, fully grown, thick, orange...

...

Meanwhile

On the other side of Ponyville, in the upper floor of the carousel boutique, Sweetiebell suddenly jolted up from her sleep, through her hooves in the air, and shouted...

"OH COME ON!!!" at the top of her lungs. The little filly then blinked, realized she was wide awake, and decided to go downstairs to breakfast. When Rarity asked her about the outburst at the breakfast table, Sweetie replied that she had been in the middle of a recurring dream where she got her cutie mark, only to wake up.

...

Meanwhile

Back at sweet apple aches.

Big Macintosh had a full beard! His very first! It hung from his face, the same color and thickness of his orange mane, looking positively awesome. Mac was so happy with it he decided to leave it unstyled. The red workhorse was ecstatic...

The Flim Flam brother’s facial follicle facilitating foam had worked!

Mac Decided to go and see the Flim Flam Brothers again to say thank you... But first mac reopened his tin and reapplied the foam.

...

Meanwhile

Sugar cube corner was just coming to the halfway point of the morning breakfast rush. But Mr. Cake was in much too good a mood to be stressed by the numerous orders for zap apple jam filled confections. He was too happy, for adorning his face, just under his nose was a big lively curly cue mustache. It had sprouted up overnight, with only a single application of the Flim Flam brother’s facial follicle facilitating foam.

Mrs. Cake had thought her husband a fool for having purchased it yesterday...

"Honestly, why waist our money on something so silly?" she had said, just the night before. After defending the purchase to his wife, she had even gone so far as to laugh at her husband.

But who was laughing now!?

Mr. Cake chuckled to himself as he kneaded more dough... he had never had a stache before; so far it had been nothing but amazing.

Outside the bakery kitchen, in the main room, Mrs. Cake vented to her employee Pinkie Pie.

"Honestly," she complained as she handed a bag of assorted muffins to a walleyed mail mare regular, "it’s one thing to
throw our money away on something silly... I understand that, we all do it. But he looks so ridicules!"
Pinkie Pie grinned at her boss as she packed a box of donuts.

"I don't know," she said, "he looked pretty snazzy, you’re a lucky mare Mrs. Cake." The hyperactive pink puffball said in a giggly voice.

"You don't have to kiss it..." Mrs. Cake deadpanned.

Pinkie giggle snorted at the prospect.

Just then Spike walked into the shop and waved over at the two. Mrs. Cake glared at the hair above the baby dragons lip... first her husband and now the local dragons! They were mocking her now!

Pinkie Pie just grinned.

"Hay spike, love the stache, what’s up?"

Mr. Cake walked out of of the kitchen with a small bowl of scones in his teeth. He placed the bowl on the counter for display and was about to retreat back into the kitchen, until he noticed Spike.

The gangly yellow stallion brightened as he saw spikes mustache.

"What’s up Spike, that's a great mustache you got there. How ever did you come by it?" He said.
Spike regarded the Stallion and saw that he too was a mustache aficionado.

"Likewise Mr. Cake, actually that's why I'm here, twilight gave me this with her magic, i was wondering if you had any of those cinnamon rolls that she likes so much?" Spike asked.

"oh yeah, we still have some, Pinkie Pie could you...?" Mr. Cake asked.
Pinky pie appeared next to Spike with a box of a dozen fragrant cinnamon rolls. (Not a baker’s dozen... as twilight tended to
freak out with such things)

"That’s sweet, how is twilight anyways?" asked Mrs. Cake.

Spike furrowed his brow...

"Actually, she’s was up all night in her lab, I haven't seen her yet today." Said the baby dragon.

Spike paid for the treats and walked home.

Oh if he only knew what horrible fate awaited him there...

i know, i know, when does the action hit?! well it's coming! just stick with it...

Cranky Doodle Doy

edit
sorry about the poor update speed, the story should move along quicker now.

Wet chemistry is by far one of the most tedious and mundane of the sciences. Twilight had been at it all night.

On the previous day, Twilight Sparkle had come across a new product being pitched by the Flim Flam Brothers, novelty facial foam supposedly for hair growth. Twilight felt suspicious of this ‘miracle’ cure. Somehow she suspected that if those brothers where selling water, it would be dry.

Since then Twilight had been reading the literature on the foam provided by the Flim Flam brothers, page by agonizingly boring page. Twilight had once read a book about the history of dust. 5000 pages of dust facts cover to cover, in a single afternoon. The Facial Follicle Facilitating Foam literature made dust facts look like Princess Celestias power point presentation spells. Whoever made this was a boredom wizard. The packet was repetitive, fluffy, and used words like sesquipedalian, and other vastly overcomplicated words that needed to be reread a few times.

But if reading the stuff was bad, than testing it was far worse.

For each assertion, Twilight would need to check facts, and half of the sources sighted where incredibly rare books that could only be found in Cantelot. But asking Spike to play mail dragon into the night would be cruel. So Twilight had resolved to simply run a barrage of tests to check for saftey and utility of the tonic foam.

…

Hours passed

…

Quite surprisingly it had all checked out... Twilight checked again.

The fact remained, the Flim Flam Brothers Facial Follicle Facilitating Foam did exactly what it claimed to do. Twilight had started by running carcinogenic testing spells (created after the cloudsbestos fog catastrophe in Las Pegasus) along with basic toxicity testing. The stuff was harmless to all ponies and anything else for that matter. It was even formulated with a light conditioner to keep the hair soft.

After insuring safety Twilight had tested function. Being a mare, Twilight decided that self-testing was out of the question.
Twilight had to go out into the night and sneak across Ponyville to Fluttershy’s house.
Fluttershy would understand... right?

Either way, Twilight ended up with seven bearded white mice running around the lab.

How Twilight would explain this to Fluttershy was put on the backburner for now as there was still science to do. Twilight spent the rest of the night recording results.

It wasn’t until dawn, after a night of hard research and testing that Twilight finally had all the facts she needed to conclude that, without a doubt, the foam was an inert substance with some form of single purpose magic attached to it.
.
There was nothing illegal, dangerous, or any such thing wrong with the foam. But Twilight did find it fascinating, and deemed that it was interesting enough for a follow up interview with the Flim Flam Brothers to see how they had managed to bond the spell with the foam. Twilight wrote something to that effect at the bottom of her results list. The mare promptly flopped face first onto the slightly damp lab counter asleep.
….

Big Macintosh swaggered into town like a new stallion. He had, for the first time in his life, a full beard. The work horse felt confident, masculine, and most of all thankful to the two ponies who had made it all possible. The Flim Flam Brothers, who were still drawing a crowd in the market place.

As Mac walked up to the two stallions, they immediately took notice of him.
“Well would you look at what we got here brother of mine, Mr. Apple has returned.”
“seems our good reputations are on their way to being re-earned.”
“In a single night, that’s all that it took before it appeared.”
“A satisfied patron with a long shaggy full grown beard.”

Flim elected to watch the stand while Flam trotted over with a good natured smile… and a beard on his face.

“Mr. Apple, it seems that the foam worked, you look marvelous!” Flam said, loud enough for several spectators in the crowd to hear.

Big macs hoof instinctively came up to his face, stroking his beard.

“Yup.” He replied happily, smiling a bit. “I wanted ta say thanks, that stuff really works wonders.”

“Wonderful!” Flam replied energetically. Flam then brought his voice down to a whisper, “by any chance, would this be your first beard?”

Mac again appreciated that he didn’t show blushing as he cast his eyes to the ground.

“Figured as much,” replied Flam understandably, “my brother actually had the same problem, didn’t come in evenly.”

Mac nodded along.

“The reason I ask is I noticed that you weren’t styling it at all.” Flam twisted his curly moustache as he continued, “We do have a handy little guide book available here if you're interested. Lots of information on essential beard care. For a nominal fee of course. Interested?”

Mac nodded and smiled a little, he should have figured he’d be hit with a sales pitch. What the heck, it was the bearded stallions day.

“yup!”

“Excellent, please follow me and…”

“This stuffs a bunch of horse hockey! I want my money back!” a loud and cranky sounding voice rang out from the back of the line.

Every pony turned and parted to reveal a wrinkled old donkey, with Fobio blond hair, and a gigantic black beard sitting on his face.

Cranky Doodle Donkey marched right up to the stand looking more cranky than usual partially due to the intimidating beard factor, partially because he was super pissed. The ass slammed a dented and empty tin of FFBFFF Foam on the counter, looked Flim square in the eye and shouted some more.

“This stuff here didn’t make a lick of difference! I want my money back and that big sack of bits you were so keen to give away yesterday while you’re at it!”

Flim looked incredibly nervous, the crowed was exchanging glances and beginning to disperse, bad for business.

Flam ran from his book showcase with Mac, who was browsing, and appeared for the save.

“But sir,” he said with purpose, “you have a thick, full beard right under your nose, as promised!”

Cranky locked eyes with Flam and got right up in his face.

“Yeah, I got a full beard alright, but I applied the stuff to my head! And don’t ‘sir’ me my name is Cranky!” Cranky growled.

Flam looked up to the donkey’s hair for a moment. Blond hair… with a black beard…. Ohhhh… Flam put two and two together and realized that Cranky was wearing a wig, a very nice wig. This gave Flam an idea to get rid of the heckler.

“But Sir, you have a full head of ‘blonde’ hair right on top of your head.” He said putting on the biggest ‘come at me bro’ smile ever achieved.

“Cranky eyes went wide for a moment,” he hadn’t considered that in order to contest the Flim Flam brothers he would have to reveal his baldness. He considered just playing it off, but in the end decided to just go for it. “I’m bald,” he said, removing the wig.

“Bald!”
“Bald!!!
“BALD!” several ponies in the crowd began to shout, pointing and cowering.
“MY EYES!!!!” a stallion shouted after glancing directly at Cranky’s gleaming scalp.

Cranky ignored this and continued; now he had to get the money.

“I applied that entire tin to my head and nothing!” He shouted.

Flim and Flam exchanged a look and then looked back to the crowd, and then to Cranky.
“Were sorry sir, but the Flim Flam Brothers Facial Follicle Facilitating Foam is just that.” Flim said.
“It only grows beards, where it is applied matters not, it will only grow facial hair, no exception, exemptions, extras, or tricks.” Flam said.
Cranky was less than pleased to hear this. He had now made an even bigger ass of himself than normal, all for nothing. He decided to try one last ditch effort to get something out of this embarrassing episode.
"Fine then!" he shouted, "but I still want a refund!"

"I’m sorry sir all sales are final." Flim and Flam both said flatly.

"But it didn’t work you swindler! SWINDLERS!!! These two are a couple of cheats!" Cranky decided to try playing to the crowd; he figured that if he got them riled up enough the Flim Flam Brothers would just pay him to go away. It was a dirty trick, but Cranky had already made thrown his dignity away.
It all worked like a charm, the crowd heard Cranky shouting abuse and immediately began to question the integrity of the two traveling sales ponies. Some of them dispersed, some whispered, some just stood by and watched to see how things would turn out. One red work horse however, decided to put down the book he had been reading and intervene.
“Now hold on there!” Big Mac said sternly. The giant bearded stallion approached the bald bearded jackass.
“Who are you supposed to be?” Cranky shouted.

“I’m Macintosh Apple.” Mac answered, “Ah think its best that you cut yer losses and move along partner.”

Cranky took a step back. This stallion was big and his beard was the stuff of folk legend. But the Donkey was in full ass
mode now, much too stubborn to stop.

“Oh, I see!” Cranky shouted, “somepony speaks up against these swindlers and they call in some red goon to shut me up! You see that everyone! They’re going to beat up an old Donkey for a revealing their scam!”

“Now wait just a minute…”

“Nice try but there are witnesses here!”

“Hold…”

“What is this Stalliongrad?!”

“If ah could…”

“You should all be ashamed of…”

Mac had always been a Stallion of few words but having his reputation called into question, and then being shamed by some ass was enough.

“HOW DARE YOU!!!” Mac shouted, stomping his hoof down on the ground hard enough to make every apple as far away as Manehatten quiver in fear. “ah will not have some two bit loudmouth with a shiny head bully me or these two…” the Flim Flam brothers perked up as Mac gestured to them, “… for nothing but trying to make a living honestly!”

“Oh?” Cranky spat, “and what are you going to do about it?” Cranky figured that if he could goad the stallion into hitting him he could have him. Yes that would work. One punch to the jaw wouldn’t kill him, cranky would go down fast and make a big scene. The big red goon would be arrested, and then maybe Cranky could get a nice court settlement. “Go on then you stupid inbred hick, hit me!”

Cranky stuck out his jaw for Mac to hit.
Mac had other plans, only moments before he had been reading from a book, The Elements of Facial Hair. It was very informative, especially the section on codes and laws of the beard.

“Ah challenge you to a beard off!”

The world went dark for a moment, as ancient dark magic was awoken form a thousand year slumber. Somewhere off in the distance an immortal bearded dragon let out a mighty roar and took to the sky. An equestrian beard off such things had not been seen since ancient times of war. The rules where simple, the magic powerful, two bearded ponies enter, the better of the two leaves a mighty hero, the loser loses all honor.

“What in the…” Cranky started.

WHOOSH

A shadow descended over all of Ponyville.

WHOOSH

Ponies from all over the town looked up. Some gawked, some screamed, and some scattered.

WHOOSH

a mighty yellow and blue mountain of ancient shining scales appeared over the town. Its massive limbs crashed to the ground, narrowly missing buildings and ponies as it settled from its flight the ground shook with its great weight as it settled.

Flim and Flam stood slack jawed. They had read the book, the original copy in the Canterlot library, before they had bought the rights to it and reprinted it as a paperback, but they had not really taken it all that seriously. Most of it was just styling tips. But now here it was the immortal bearded dragon. Standing at a hundred feet tall in gold and sapphire scales, its beard was white and braided into many intricate shapes and styles. And now it was speaking…
“I am the Immortal Bearded Dragon, who has summoned me!” The loudest echoing voice was like something between a whale song and a thunder storm.

Big Mac didn’t skip a beat.

“That would be me!” he shouted out, “I have challenged this Donkey to a beard off on the charge of slander!”

The dragon’s giant face came down to meet Big Mac. It breathed a great billow of spoke from its nostrils and regarded the red work horse.

“Very well Stallion, I accept this…” the dragon lifted its face up into the air and gave a great announcement, “I declare this beard off officially begun! Stallion, Donkey, prepare yourselves!”

Cranky wet himself.

Big mac throughout his chest and braced himself for the spell.

The dragon brought its face back down to the two and breathed a great torrent of gold and blue flames upon them both. Those few brave souls who had stayed to watch looked on in horror for a full thirty seconds before the fire finally stopped.

A circle of scorched earth was left, the two males where unscathed. But they had changed.

Cranky opened his eyes and saw that he was now utterly bald. Not just no mane, but no hair at all! NAKED! Not even so much as an eyebrow. His boney pinkness exposed to the world to laugh at... If not for the giant dragon, they would have, but for now everything was to new and shocking.

Big mac however stood just as he had. His red coat, green apple cutie mark, orange mane…
His beard!

Big mac looked down at his newly formed beard. His beard had grown again. Now it was twice as long, but also thicker, fuller, more vibrant, and soft. Mac had absorbed the beard powers of Cranky Doodle Donkey, leaving the ass naked and disgraced, but otherwise unharmed.

The dragon looked down at the results of his spell and announced the results.

“The Stallion has won, my task is done,” he roared, “now I make my leave!” and just like that, the dragon was gone, flown away with a few mighty wing beats, leaving the entire town to ponder what had just transpired.

…

Big Mac looked around and discover that everypony was gawking at him. The work horse very suddenly felt a bit exposed… ironic, considering that it was Cranky who was now sprinting away, covering his shame as he ran from cover to cover. Mac just stood there in silence.

The Flim Flam Brothers though, they saw opportunity.

“Gentlehooves! A successful demonstration of the power of beards!”

“Please step right up and get a tin of the Flim Flam Brothers Facial Follicle Facilitating Foam!”

“Get a beard of your very own, just like Mr Apple here!”

Those two made a mint that day... selling out every single tin. they left town soon after, with big, big plans.

Again I'm sorry about the poor update speed... please comment... those are my crack...

Twilight Sparkle beard

here we go next chapter, 2 or 3 left to go.

Spike ran home as fast as his stubby little legs would carry him, breakfast pastries in hand, moustache fluttering in the breeze. A dragon in Ponyville! Okay so Spike was a dragon who lived in Ponyville, but this was totally different unusual. Big Mac had called the dragon in a beard off and rediscovered some sort of ancient arcane beard magic. Spike had to tell Twilight.

The library tree that spike called home came into view as spike rounded a corner. Spike ran up to the door…

Bang!

Spike smacked right into the door, which was locked. A large white sign hung on the door, reading:

CLOSED DO NOT ENTER!

“What the heck?” Spike scratched his head, “when did that get there?” Spike tried the door again, this time opting to turn
the handle.

No luck, locked.

Spike banged on the door.

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK

“Twilight!?” Spike shouted, “Twilight open the door! It’s me Spike!”

Spike listened at the door. He heard the sound of hooves scuttling around.

“Twilight?” Spike called again.

“Go away!” Twilight shouted from behind the door.

“Twilight its Spike, open the door please!”

“No!” Twilight shouted from behind the door.

Spike shrugged, Twilight was obviously having another one of her episodes. Trump card time.

“Come on Twilight, I have cinnamon rolls!”

…

…Nothing…

…

“Twilight open the door!” Spike shouted.

…

…

…

“Celestia damn it.” Spike muttered to himself.

Spike waddled over to the little red sign to the right of the door. He searched for a moment until he found a small knot in the wood of the sign post. Spike dug his pointer claw into the center of the knot and pulled, revealing a small key that had been hidden there in case of emergencies. Spike took the key and walked back to the door.

“Twilight, I’m coming in!” Spike unlocked the door.

“No wait!” Spike heard the sound of frantic running as he opened the door.

-Slam-

The little closet on the other end of the main room slammed shut just as Spike entered the room.

“Celestia damn it.” Spike muttered putting the box of cinnamon rolls on the table and walked over to the closet door,

“Twilight, come out of the closet!”

“NO!” Twilight shouted.

“Twilight, there is a bunch of crazy ancient magic stuff happening in town.” Spike shouted through the door.

…

“Mac and Cranky had a beard off and a super bearded dragon showed up and now Cranky’s balled and Mac’s bearding power has doubled.” Spike summed up, “and the cinnamon rolls are getting cold!”

…

“Come out of the closet Twi.”

Just then Rainbow Dash crashed in through the window, knocking into a bookcase and sending its contents to the floor.

“ow ow ow,” Rainbow said, climbing to her hooves. The cyan mare rubbed her head, that was going to be a bump later.

“Hay Spike, what’s up?”

“Oh hay Rainbow, Twilight won’t come out of the closet.” Spike said.

In the list of thing Rainbow had expected to hear during her visit to get the newest Daring Doo book... well when life gives
you lemons.

“Really?” Rainbow asked giving a big grin.

“Go away!” Twilight shouted from the closet.

“What is that?” Rainbow asked.

“Twilight… In the closet.” Spike replied.

“Wait what?”

…

A very long Abbot and Costello bit later

…

“Oooohhh! So Twilight is hiding in the closet for some reason and will not come out of the closet in the physical sense.” Rainbow concluded.
“
YES! Why is that confusing!” Spike asked, not yet knowing what an innuendo is.

“Oh um, nothing,” Rainbow glanced around nervously, “it’s kind of been a crazy day, and it’s really hot, I kind of go in and out.”

Spike glared for a moment, unaware that his innocents had just been saved.

“Anyways, I can totally help get Twilight out of the closet. That closet… over there... um… yeah.” Rainbow decided to just hurry up and end this entire conversation. “Twilight!” Rainbow shouted.

“What?” Twilight groaned.

“Either you come out of their now, or I’ll force you out in 10 seconds flat!”

“Rainbow please, don’t do it!” Twilight shouted.

“Then come out!” Rainbow repeated.

“I can’t!” Twilight sobbed.

“Why not, Twilight what’s wrong?” Spike pleaded through the door. “Twilight we’re your friends, talk to us.”

…
…
…
…
…

“That’s it! Twilight stand back!” Rainbow shouted taking to the air and rearing up to charge the door.

“Rainbow wait don’t…” Spike tried to say, but too late, Rainbow crashed into the door smashing it to splinters in a loud bang.

…
…
…

…Silence…
…

“Rainbow? Twilight?” spike called into the ruined closet.

“Oh my gosh my head.” Rainbow stumbled out of the closet, her eyes derped as she clutched her head in pain.
Spike decided to throw caution to the wind and check up on his caretaker. “Twilight?” he called as he entered the closet. Spike groped around in the dark for a moment before his claw caught hold of a tuff of hair. Spike pulled, what he assumed was twilights tale from the wreckage and into the light of the library main room by her tail.
But it wasn’t Twilights tale.

Spike let go of the clump of hair and gawked. Rainbow stopped her writhing and shook her head several times to
de-derpify her eyes. Only to have them fix upon her friends face in utter confusion.
Twilights had been knocked out. But on her face was a full purple beard, neatly cropped, with the same pink stripe running it down it. Had Rarity been there, she would have noted that Twilights beard matched her mane perfectly.

“Huh…” Spike said… gawking.

“Yeah…” Rainbow had no idea what to do with this new information.
…

Twilights eyes fluttered open as she came too. Spike and Rainbow where standing over her, looking down at her with concerned.

“mmm… oh, hi Spike, hi Rainbow Dash.” Twilight stretched, “I had the weirdest dream, I woke up in my lab with a…” Twilights hoof came up to her face. “Oh no.” Twilights eyes began to water and her face went red. “oh no! oh no! oh no! oh no!” Twilight got up and ran for it, her horn glowed with a violate aura as her magic took hold of the large pile of books left over from rainbows entrance. The books floated up and arranged themselves into a small box like structure.
Spike recognized this as one of Twilights oldest freak out defense mechanisms. Twilight had constructed a book fort to hide in. Twilight hadn’t done this in a while; Spike knew he had to talk her down.

“Twilight?” Spike called into the book fort.

“Mmmmm.” Twilight whimpered.

“Twilight I need you to…”

“Oh my gosh why do you have a beard!?” Rainbow shouted uncouthly.

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!” Twilight began to ball like a filly from inside the book fort.

“Oh crud.” Spike face clawed.

“What? What happened?” Rainbow asked, “Did you see her, she had a beard! Mares don’t have beards!”

Spike grabbed rainbow by the tail and dragged her from the library.

“Hay!” Rainbow protested.

Spike closed the door to the library and turned to the cyan mare.

“Rainbow, listen very carefully.” Spike did his best to keep his voice calm. “I don’t know what happened with Twilight, but whatever it is, it has gotten her worked up enough to lock herself up in a book fort, I’m going to need a while to talk her down. In the mean time I need you to go and gather the girls and bring them here. I am going to need all the help I can get.”

“Okay.” Rainbow gave a mock salute and flew off.

Spike turned to go back inside the library only to find the door had been quietly shut. Spike tried the door… locked.

“Twilight!”
This Chapter was a bit short, but the kicker hits in the next two... lots of big stuff, and they should be coming out soon... considering that November ends in like two days./b]

announcment

everypony, i have failed you... i was unable to make the story finish in the allotted time. the hate mail is already in, so i figured I would address this. if you want i will continue the story.
sorry...