The Black Knight in Equestria

by Madgod Pim

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human
Length: 15158

God is tired of the Black Knight's desire to fight every living being wanting to cross his bridge.

Have at you! When the Black Knight finally annoys God, he is sent to a magical world of peace and harmony to calm down.

Collaboration written with the three of us in a Google Doc:

MidnightDancer
reflexrex

Editing by Array

Published 2012-11-02 03:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-19 16:31:13 UTC

Chapter 1: I'm Invincible!

Once upon a time, in the magical land of England...

“COME BACK HERE YOU BASTARD! I’LL TEACH YOU TO SQUAWK AT ME!”

Unfortunately, even the black knight was no match for a duck with an urge to get away from the brave and gallant warrior. The perturbed bird took flight as the Black Knight swatted it away from his helmet.

Whilst the good sir knight was otherwise occupied, the clouds were rent asunder by a shining presence, and a bright white beard swam into view. It was amazingly bright, and the knight fell to his knees. Shielding his eyes, he cowered.

“Oh, hello God. It’s been a while. Didn’t expect to see you there. What can I do for your most holy holiness?”

“Don’t give me that. I’m GOD, I’m everywhere. And stop cowering!”

“THE BLACK KNIGHT NEVER COWERS! I mean, except before you, sire.”

“Your impunity is noted, Sir Knight. Anyway. I’ve grown weary of your quest to fight every living thing on the planet. We stopped that shit eleven centuries ago, after my son got nailed to a cross for trying to be nice to people for a change! On that note, what is WRONG with you people? I send you a healer, a teacher, a scholar, and that’s the thanks I get? I should really just exterminate the lot of you. Again. So! I’m sending you off to another land, under the jurisdiction of other gods, to let them deal with you. If you dare to d-”

Suddenly a knight in shining armour and a great hurry skipped up, a servant frantically clopping behind him, slamming two halves of a coconut together.

“Get on with it!” hollered the knight, before veering off to the side and over the hills and dales towards a castle.

“I’LL GET ON WITH IT WHEN I’M READY TO GET ON WITH IT! Don’t try to tell God what to do! I swear to me, I will strike you down! Now, where was I...”

A sudden lightning bolt struck down as the knight hit the top of the hill, incinerating both he and his servant.

“No respect these days,” God grunted crossly. “And as for you, take thy steely hard rageboner and sod off to the land of harmony, where thee shall learn some respect!”

The Black Knight looked up in shock at His Holy Assholeness. “Wait, what?”
“Did you not hear me the first time, whelp? Your rage is boring to me! Now bugger off, and try not to perform any more bloodbath bukkakes! And ask the big white one if she remembers that weekend in Tartarus, the saucy minx.” And with that, His Grace snatched up the Black Knight in His Holy Hands, and flung the hapless knight through the sky.

The Knight flew through the sky, stars beginning to whiz past him. Just up ahead, he noted a large, swirling vortex of colors that looked like it might be the opposite of a good time. He barely had time to duck his head before entering it, his eyes trying to stay open to meet his fate as a Knight would.

He could feel the eternal wellspring of bile and anger coursing through him once more, as colours slowly began to get more intense, reaching a brightness that almost hurt. Instinctively, he reached for his sword, only to find his trusted ally completely clean of all rust, and sparkling like one of those damn lakes the round table are always going on about. He barely had time to ponder this amazing cleanliness before he spied the end of the vortex, the brightness growing with each passing second.

Suddenly, he beheld a great portal before him, shimmering with all the colors of the rainbow. As well as a sort of greenish-purple-yellow color he couldn’t recognise. Right! I’ve just about had it with this crap! Have at you, strange colour! He pulled out his sword, pointing it directly at the center of the brightly colored vortex as he flew towards the opening.

“YAAAAAAA-” The noble’s charge was rudely interrupted by a brick wall. The hilt of his sword rammed back into his stomach, while his helmet made abrupt contact with the wall just above it. Amazingly unhurt, he leapt to his feet, slashing wildly with his sword. “I’m blind! Dear God, I’m blind! What awful things hath this damned vortex wrought?”

As the figure swathed in black impotently flailed his sword, there were a number of bemused observers. Two pegasi fluttered down beside a small group of Earth ponies, all of them eyeballing each other in confusion. They kept well back from the creature’s wildly swinging sword, discussing what to do.

“So, this is new,” stated the brown pegasus, fluffing her wings slightly.

“Really? You’ve never seen one of these before? Apparently some god or other keeps sending through people he doesn’t like, and Celestia’s too nice to stop him. Just a shame that they all seem to be either mad, or perverts, or the sad loner type.” Bon-Bon nodded as she spoke, gesturing to the human with his helmet on backwards.

“Should we help him? He looks stuck,” Caramel asked, though not looking too keen on getting closer to him.

“I suppose we should. Though, I don’t like the way he’s waving that sword around.” Raindrops backed up a bit, lip curling in disgust.

The brown pegasus sighed. “Well, he’s clearly crazy,” she gestured again to the knight, who was currently having at the brick wall with a vengence, “so perhaps we should contact some sort of authority that can help him.”

That got through to the knight, who whirled around towards the general direction of the clustered ponies. “I am a KNIGHT. I am NOT crazy! No matter what the voice in the sky tells me! Have at you!” the knight screamed, running in entirely the wrong direction. He breezed past the group of ponies, who watched him with raised eyebrows, and ran directly into the river running through town.

“The Black Knight will not fall for such trickery! Come back here, you... whatever you are, so I can give you what for!” He flailed in the water, the current slowly dragging him.

The brown pegasus rolled her eyes and fluttered over to the probably crazy but probably also frightened human, yanking his helmet off his eyes and dropping it on the bank before speeding back to her friends, worried about his reaction. The ponies watched him intently, whispering between each other. Caramel stood slightly in front of the mares, nerves on edge around this strange creature.

“VILLAINS! BLACKGARDS! The Black Knights armour is no plaything! Come over here and fight like a... eh? Horses? CURSE YOU GOD! If there’s one thing I hate more than coconuts, it’s horses!” He splashed his hands ineffectively in the river before raising them up, shaking his fists at the sky.

“Hey! That’s not nice!” A cream-coloured earth pony spoke up, two coconuts adorning her flanks.

“No! Shut up! You cannot talk, you are a horse! You are a mere beast of burden, set to serve me in my quests across the worlds! And I don’t care if you can talk, I’ll still chop your bloody head off!”

A deep “Nnnope,” was the last thing he heard before a sharp pain hit the back of his head, and everything fell to black.

Chapter 2: A Shrubbery!

“I’m not sure that was strictly necessary, Mac,” admonished Nurse Redheart as she checked the unconscious human over.

“He threatened to chop off our heads,” Bon-Bon stated flatly. “Big Mac might have just saved us, so give him some slack.”

“Eeyup,” Mac affirmed, chewing his wheat stalk with a bored look in his eyes.

Redheart sighed and sat back on her haunches. The human had been dragged up onto the bank, and seemed perfectly fine save for the unconsciousness. “Well, I suppose we just need to wait for him to wake up. What shall we do with his armor and weaponry?”

“I’ll take ‘em back to the farm.” Big Mac slid the loop of the sheath over his head, and lifted the helmet with his mouth. “‘E ‘on’t ‘ook ‘or ‘em ‘ere.” With that, he took off over the hills, powerful red legs carrying him home and leaving behind the creature he’d attacked.

“Should we contact Celestia?” Dancer suggested. “She might have an idea how to get him back to wherever he came from.”

“She hasn’t done anything about the ones that came through before, why should she start now?” Caramel crossed his hooves, one eyebrow raised.

Dancer sighed, brown wings fluffing nervously. “I didn’t know. I just got here.”

“Well, from what I hear, she had a sweet spot for the god of this thing’s world. But it didn’t end too well, and now she’s all doe-eyed over him. Explains why the asshat thinks he can dump his trash wherever he wants.”

“THE BLACK KNIGHT NEEDS NO ARMOUR, FOUL THIEVES! None can defeat me!” Whilst the ponies have been bickering, the Black Knight has awoken, and promptly charges straight for Nurse Redheart, tackling her to the ground. In a panic, the nurse forgets her earlier admonishment of Big Mac and pushes the Knight off, whirling and bucking him square in the stomach.

“The mighty Knight falls not to such feeble blows! And no bloody horse is going to spell the end of me! Wait, what are you... GET OFF!” He is interrupted by a brown pegasus coming straight up to him, and without a trace of fear embracing him in a heartfelt hug, violet mane resting against his mail-clad tummy. The Black Knight pushes against the unwelcome intrusion. “NO! BAD HORSE! I swear to god I shall strike thee down if thy doesn’t release me this instant! And what have you turncoats done with my sword?”

“Come now, everypony needs a hug sometimes! Your sword and helmet are safe with one of the town stallions. Now, why don’t you just calm down and tell us what’s going on,” Dancer stated calmly, not releasing the Knight who was becoming increasingly worried about how strong these horses were.

“I am no mewling kitten! The Black Knight scorns your hugs! I don’t care how nice your mane felt against my mighty belly button, I am a noble, and you will unhand me and take the beating that’s coming to you!”

Her eyebrow arched for a moment before she dove her head down, casting aside his chain mail to blow most undignified raspberries on his stomach. The Knight tensed up, then suddenly lost his countenance, letting out loud guffaws that sounded out of place coming from him.

“S-stahp this instant! You-hahaha-you foul beast! Unhan-pfffthahahaha-d m- my noble tummy at once!” The Knight’s legs kicked as he giggled, hands in the pegasi’s hair as she continued her relentless assault on his dignity. The surrounding ponies, for their part, watched in equal parts confusion and amusement.

Eventually, the other ponies piled on in for a gigantic cuddle puddle forged from new friendchips and spitting, incoherent rage. No matter the stream of filthy cursewords and threats coming from the mouth of the once-proud warrior, the ponies were relentless and unforgiving, nuzzling him in places he never dreamed of.

“GET AWAY FROM MINE SCABBARD, FOUL BEASTS! NOBODY TOUCHES THE HOLY HAND GRENADES!” Finally the Black Knight reached a breaking point, his boiling rage lending him the strength to throw all the horrible, smiling, adorable ponies from him. He quickly brought his hands down to cover his Royal Jewels, so adorably nuzzled moments before. “DO YOU KNOW NOTHING OF BODIES, BEASTS? THE BLACK KNIGHT SHALL RETURN, TO WREAK HIS VENGEANCE!” Leaving a lot of hurt-looking ponies behind, the Black Knight turned tail and ran awa- made a tactical withdrawal.

“Why do you think he ran away? Everypony likes a hug...”

“Oh, I’m sure he does. Maybe we just need to hug him harder. Let’s spread the word, everypony! Hug him until he feels it!”

The Black Knight ran along the river, his armour clanking around him as he looked for any signs of sanity. Or at least his sword back. His eyes scanned the idyllic landscape frantically, finally falling on something utterly amazing.

He approached slowly, almost reverently. Those wide leaves, those sturdy branches, that near-perfect round shape... this was truly a shrubbery worthy of his protection. Sure, it might look better with a couple of tiers and maybe a nice fence, but it was lovely all the same.

He reached out, as though to touch its amazing side, before drawing back. He could protect it, but perhaps not touch it, as it was clearly quite special. Casting about, he found a stick on the ground. “Wish I had my sword,” he muttered angrily. Pacing past the shrubbery onto the bridge in front of it, he took up his knightly stance, determined to keep the beautiful shrubbery from harm. Filled once more with familiar purpose, he stood guard once more, watching and waiting...

Snowflake trotted down to the bridge, ready to walk into town and hit the gym. His eyes darted around, forever watchful for people making fun of his tiny, tiny wings. But as he approached the bridge, he came across a strange figure, clothed in black and holding a tree branch in what looking like a fighting stance.

“HEY! What kinda freak just stands there all day! You gonna let me past or not?” He snapped at the peculiar biped. What the hell, they pop up from time to time, right? More often than seems possible, actually...

“I am the Black Knight, and I move for no man.” said the Knight, calmly meeting Snowflake’s gaze.

“DO I LOOK LIKE A MAN TO YOU?!?! Move the hell aside buddy, I need to get to town!” said Snowflake, trying to barge his way past.

“The Black Knight has had just about enough of this shit! NONE SHALL PASS. Now move away, or thou shalt taste my stick. Wait, not- THOU KNOWS MY MEANING! Now prepare to taste my wrath! Before I dispatch thee, what is thy name? I prefer to know who it is that I kill.”

“Hey buddy, I just wanna get past. But if you wanna go, then I’ll go with you! YEEEAAH! And my name’s Snowflake! Go ahead and laugh before I knock your teeth out!” Snowflake charged up, ready to do battle with the obnoxious stranger.

“WAIT! Thy name is Snowflake?”

“YEAH! IT IS! WHAT OF IT?”

“The Black Knight feels your pain. Mine parents were also possessed of a sadistic sense of humour.” The Black Knight says, a strange and for once, pained expression marring his face.

“Oh yeah? Kinda stupid name is The Black Knight anyway?”

“That is not mine true name. Mine true name, is mrhmmmd...”

“What? If you got somethin’ to say, flankhole, then say it so I can hear it!”

“I said, my name is... Mildred” the bold Knight says, looking at his knees and slowly twisting one foot into the ground. “I feel a strange connection with thee, Snowflake. I believe we are kindred spirits. Thou may pass if and only if you can bring a fence of appropriate loveliness for this shrubbery. It must be protected from the foul beings of this world.”

“Nah, buck that noise. What kinda coltcuddler are you anyway, ‘kindred spirits’. Later, flankface.” And then Snowflake flew off, though not without visible effort, his tiny wings buzzing like a foal’s would.

“VILLAIN! WE OPENED OUR VERY SOUL TO THEE! THOU HAD BETTER NOT COME BACK HERE, OR THEE WILL BE IN FOR THE THRASHING OF A LIFETIME! I’LL CUT YOUR WINGS OFF!” The Knight screams at the fast-disappearing back of Snowflake. “Curse this damned world and every horse in it.”

A sudden darkening of the sky was followed by a crash of thunder. The Black Knight looked up, and noted a large winged equine shape dropping from the sky. The pony’s eyes burned a bright white, star studded mane flowing upwards as she descended. A long horn completed the visual, showing her as being the Princess of The Night.

“WHO DARES TO USE THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE IN SUCH AN UNSEEMLY MATTER? WE DEMAND AN EXPLANATION AT ONCE, BIPED!” Princess Luna thunderously proclaimed. “THY GRAMMAR AND SYNTAX IS ENTIRELY FLAWED, OAF! THOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF THYSELF.”

“The Black Knight takes no heed from a walking inkstain! Come down here, so I can beat some sense into you!”

Luna swooped down, executing a perfect four-point landing about five feet from the perpetually angry pedestrian.

“You dare speak to a Princess in such a manner? Were thou of this world, thou would be on thine flank in a matter of moments! Now, thou will tell me at once where thou learned to use the Royal Canterlot Voice!” Luna stared down at the Knight with all the weight and bearing of a thousand years of lunar frustration.

The Knight looked up at the alicorn, a smirk winding across his lips. “And what is it to you, foul creature? I fear you not, for I am the Black Knight!” He brandished his stick in what he imagined was a threatening manner, but coupled with the fact that he was utterly soaked to the bone and looked rather like a cat that just scrambled out of the bath - well.

Luna’s expression began to crack, and she brought one silver-shod hoof up to her lips to stifle her giggle. “Oh...oh dear.” Giving a most unprincesslike snort, she sat down upon the ground, trying to keep the giggles in to no avail. Soon, she was rolling on the ground with several of her subjects that had seen her arrival, laughing uncontrollably.

“T-thou art a funny biped! Thou looks as though thou hast just stepped from the bath! And thou thinks to challenge Us?” One shining hoof pointed at the Knight, before dropping to hold her stomach during another round of laughter.

“I AM A KNIGHT, AND SOME OF YOUR ACCURSED SUBJECTS HATH STOLEN MINE SWORD,” the Knight yelled angrily, gesturing with his arms and flinging water everywhere. “I ASSURE YOU, FOUL CREATURE, THAT I COULD EASILY REMOVE YOUR WRETCHED HEAD FROM YOUR BODY IN ONE FELL SWOOP IF I HAD IT HERE NOW.”

Princess Luna shook out her starry mane, getting to her hooves and standing tall and elegant, wings outstretched. “Well, Sir Knight,” she began, sarcasm dripping from every word, “dost thou know where thy weapon was taken? We would be happy to trounce thee on the field of battle.” Her eyes narrowed, posture still regal, but a small smirk was still visible on the side of her dark face.

“ASK THEM! ONE OF THEM SNUCK UP UPON ME AND KNOCKED ME DOWN! FIE ON THAT CREATURE!” He gestured angrily towards Nurse Redheart, who turned apologetically to Luna.

“I’m sorry, Your Grace. The human’s belongings have been brought to Sweet Apple Acres for safekeeping. He seemed...too unstable to have them.”

Luna nodded to Redheart. “It is quite alright, my little pony. You did what you felt was best for the safety of the town, and I commend you for that.”

“COME ON THEN, YOU PANSIES! YOU YELLOW BASTARDS! STRIPPING A MAN OF HIS SWORD AND STATURE!” He stomped up to Luna angrily, eyes wild beneath his damp hair. “WHAT SAY YOU?”

Luna eyed him, an eyebrow raised, before chuckling and sighing. “To Sweet Apple Acres, then. And, Sir Knight, I expect you to behave with propriety. You will be fighting me, not the Apple family. Are we clear?”

“Whatever it takes to grasp the hilt between my fingers once mo-WHOA!” He was cut off suddenly when Dancer grabbed him up under the arms and began to fly him to the Acres. Luna flew in front, laughing at the flailing, wet knight behind her.

“PUT ME DOWN AT ONCE! UNHAND ME, BEAST!”

Dancer looked down at the ground, now a good thousand feet away. “Well, I mean, if you insist...” She chuckled deviously.

“NOTHAT’SALRIGHTREALLY.”

“I thought so.” They continued their journey, the knight hanging impotently in the forelegs of the pegasus as the Acres drew near.

Chapter 3: The Number of the Counting Shall Be Three

Big McIntosh drew the heavy tiller into the barn, sweat pouring off of his withers. Today had been a right strange day so far, what with that human feller threatening the townsponies. Mac felt he’d been right to give him a good buck, but still worried that he might have done some lasting damage. Humans were fragile little things, after all.

His thoughts were interrupted by a high pitched squawking sound. His ears swiveled as his large head turned back to the barn entrance. Wonder if one of Fluttershy’s critters got loose again. He headed out of the barn, eyes sweeping the orchards for the source of the sound. His deep green eyes squinted, picking out a dark blue figure on the horizon, followed closely by what looked to be a brown “T” shape. Holy moly, ah think that’s the Princess Luna. Wonder if she’s encountered that strange little human yet... oh Celestia.

The sqauwking grew ever louder, and he now recognized the Princess and dropped hastily to his knees as she approached. She landed lightly before him on the packed dirt of the farm, nodding her head in recognition of his bow. Coming behind her, slightly slower, was Dancer carrying the human. Dancer’s eyes seemed stuck in a perpetual roll, and the squawking had resolved itself into the words of the human.

“FLYING HIGH SO I CAN’T FIGHT YOU, IS THAT YOUR GAME? YOU YELLOW BELLIED DAUGHTER OF A HAMSTER! PUT ME DOWN BY THIS FARM AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE TRUE MIGHT OF THE BLACK KNIGHT!” He attempted to strike a pose, something that is not easy to do nor very advisable when being carried by an easily irritated flying creature.

About ten feet from the ground, the pegasus suddenly sped up before releasing the knight. He tumbled, end over end, before finally coming to a rest at McIntosh’s hooves. As the human righted himself and sputtered angrily, Dancer fluttered down, her face a mask of faux innocence. “Oh DEAR, did I drop you? I’m so sorry, you’re just so wiggly and squirmy!” She dropped to the ground hastily, bowing before the Princess.

“YOU LIE, NAG! YOU DROPPED ME ON PURPOSE! WHEN I GET MY SWORD BACK, I’M GOING TO SHAVE YOUR BLOODY FEATHERS OFF AND TURN THEM INTO QUILLS!” He pointed one finger accusingly at her.

“You seem no worse for the wear,” Luna opined with a tinge of sadness to her voice. “No matter. Dancer, you are dismissed, and please be more careful when carrying other creatures.”

“Yes, your majesty.” She bowed once more before taking off, leaving the three of them to themselves.

The Knight, hands balled into fists, directed his rage at the next likely target. He whirled around and shoved himself nose-to-nose with Big Mac, eyes wild and accusing. “WHERE ARE MY ARMAMENTS? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THEM, YOU OAFISH BEAST?” His breathing was ragged, chest heaving with the indignity of it all.

Mac’s calm countenance remained unchanged, though his eyes seemed a bit harder than before. At least the human seemed okay, even if his seemingly unending hatred for all things living remained. He looked at the Knight for a long moment, then cast his eyes over to Luna’s. She gave an imperceptible nod. His eyes swept back to the lunatic pupils of the Knight.

“Well, after you took that nasty buck to the head, I brought ‘em up here for safekeepin’.”

“CUR! THOSE WERE NOT YOURS TO TAKE! HOW DARE YOU ROB THE BLACK KNIGHT OF HIS BELONGINGS! THOU SHALT SNUFF IT, VERILY!” He put up his comparatively tiny hands, balled into fists and ready to fight. “NOW HAVE AT YOU! NOT SO TOUGH WHEN YOU DON’T SNEAK UP ON ME, EH? EH?”

“SIR KNIGHT,” came the booming voice of Luna. “THY QUARREL IS WITH US, NOT WITH YON VILLAGER. DO NOT FORGET WHAT WE SAID BEFORE TRAVELLING HERE.” She stepped forward, inserting herself between the Knight and Big Mac, who moved back to make room for her. “McIntosh Apple, please retrieve the Knight’s things. The royal coffers shall reimburse you for any damage caused by our battle.”

“‘Course, yer Majesty.” He hustled back into the barn and up the ladder into the loft, digging the sword and helmet out of the extra hay up there. Returning to the pair, he dropped them unceremoniously at the Knight’s feet. Satisfied that he’d done his duty, he kneeled once more to the princess before turning to head back to the farmhouse.

“WAIT! RETURN, STALLION! MY SQUIRE IS NOT HERE AND THUS YOU MUST PLACE MY ARMAMENTS UPON MY NOBLE BODY.” The Knight stood, hands on his hips, glaring at Mac.

Mac simply shook his head. “Eeenope.” He continued to the farmhouse, wanting to be well away from Princess Luna’s wrath.

“USELESS GELDING! ONCE I HAVE FINISHED WITH THE BLUE NAG, I SHALL COME FOR YOU! MARK MY WORDS, DEVIL HORSE! THY DAYS ARE NUMBERED!” He bent over and scrabbled for his helmet and sword, hastily putting them on before turning to Luna. “ART THOU READY FOR THY UTTER HUMILIATION?”

Luna, for her part, simply looked bored. “We invite you to try, Sir Knight.” She stood back, wings outstretched, but otherwise looking fairly relaxed.

“HAVE AT YOU, NAG!” The Black Knight drew his sword, the sunlight glinting off of it. He raised it up, beginning his charge at this creature, this foul beast that dared laugh at him in a moment of weakness. His crazed eyes from under his helmet fixed on the horse’s infuriatingly calm teal ones as he crossed the distance between them, sword swinging up overhead and then coming down towards her neck in a blaze of anger.

As the sword struck Luna’s neck, it turned quite suddenly into a wildflower. No flash of light, no magic aura, just ‘so that’s a flower now, enjoy.’ Some pollen dislodged from it, causing her to give a most adorable little sneeze. She blinked up at the Knight, confused. He blinked right back, for a moment rendered mercifully speechless, holding a lovely maroon flower where his sword had proudly been a moment before.

He looked around the orchard. She pawed awkwardly at the ground with one silver shoe, looking over her shoulder and feeling a bit odd. She broke the silence. “So! That was, uh, different. I didn’t know thou liked begonias”

This seemed to rouse the Knight from his confusion, and he jerked his head up, glaring at Luna. “IT WAS YOU! YOU, COWARDLY BEAST, YOU HAVE USED YOUR DEVIL MAGIKS TO TURN MY BELOVED SWORD INTO A BLOODY FLOWER! AND THE BLACK KNIGHT HAS NO TIME FOR FLOWER ARRANGING!” He shook the wildflower in her face for emphasis, causing another adorable sneeze before she could retaliate.

“TIS A LIE! WE USED NO MAGIC IN THE COURSE OF THIS BATTLE! WE SWEAR IT UPON OUR HONOR!” She stamped a hoof on the ground, getting right up in the Knight’s face.

“THOU ART THE LIAR, DEVIL MARE! YOU MAY HAVE TAKEN MY SWORD FROM ME, BUT IN THE NAME OF MY BLOODY ANNOYING GOD I SWEAR I SHALL DESTROY YOU”

“Oh? And how, pray tell, dost thou expect to accomplish such a feat, with naught but a wilting flower where your mighty weapon once stood proud and tall?” Luna said, with a half-smile on her face.

“RIGHT! THAT’S IT! YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR! I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS, BUT YOU AND YOUR BLOODY MAGICAL COWARDICE FORCED ME INTO IT!” The Black Knight takes in a deep breath, as though steeling himself for committing the direst of atrocities. “NI! NI! NI! Take that, you insolent broken down old screw! NI! How do you like them apples, eh? NI! NI!”

Luna looked, if anything, bemused. “Art thou feeling thyself? This word, Ni, is new to me. Pray tell, what does it mean? “

“Impossible! The sacred words of power! DAMN THIS THRICE-ACCURSED PLACE, IS NOTHING-”

“SILENCE!” The clouds rent asunder once more, and both Luna and the Knight turned baffled faces to the clouds. Once the lunar princess saw who was there, she facehoofed and shook her head.

God looked down from His perch on a bed of clouds, His normally pristine shaggy hair and beard were ruffled, and his crown was askew. Laying beside him on the bed was the alicorn of the sun, mane in a similar state of disrepair and her crown entirely missing. She looked down on the scene with half-lidded eyes and a contented smile, one hoof holding up The Holy Grail, from which she took the occasional sip.

“Lulu! Hey Lulu! Look, God came to visit! Wish you were here, sister!” The solar princess gave an exaggerated wave, swigging down another gulp of what was quite clearly alcohol.

The Black Knight was unsure if he should kneel before his God in such an unseemly state. “GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS BLASTED UNIVERSE OF HORSES? WHY DID YOU SEND ME HERE? THIS IS UTTERLY AWFUL. THIS PONY TURNED MY SWORD INTO A FLOWER! AND DIDN’T YOU TELL US NOT TO COVET THY NEIGHBOURS ASS?” More gesturing with the offending plant, causing Luna now to giggle a bit.

“Oh, that. I enchanted your sword before you left. It cleaned it entirely and also turns it into a flower any time you attempt to use it against a creature in this world. I simply had to show up so I could see your bloody face once it happened! Now, have you learned as much about the magic of friendship as Celestia has taught me? Maybe thee can put thy rageboner to another use, eh?” Celestia shot him a drunken and also somewhat hurt look. “Yes, yes, I came to see you too, Celly. TO SEE YOUR FLANK! HA! I’M SUCH A BLOODY BASTARD. At least the stains won’t show on your coat, eh Celly? And if you recall those commandments so well, you’ll know I ordered that thou shalt not kill, which is a commandment you’ve merrily pissed on for years. DON’T PREACH TO ME, SINNER.”

The Knight’s face fell, before resuming it’s usual angry state. “YOU DID WHAT? THAT WAS MY FATHER’S SWORD, AND HIS FATHER’S BEFORE HIM, AND HIS FATHER’S BEFORE HIM, AND HIS FATHER’S BEFORE HI-”

A group of ponies who had gathered to watch the not-so-epic showdown interrupted. “GET ON WITH IT!”

“KNAVES! BLACKGARDS! TRIFLERS! DO NOT INTERRUPT WHEN I AM SPEAKING.”

“Oh do shut up, you stupid bastard. Anyway, I just wanted to see your face and get some sweet sunshine flank before heading back. Thanks for providing the entertainment! Well, the second half it anyway, haha.” And with that, the clouds closed up, hiding the radiance of the Gods from mortal eyes.

The Knight turned angrily to Luna, who was now rubbing the side of her temple as though her head hurt. “HORSE! CANST THOU FIX MINE SWORD?”

“And why, pray tell, should the Princess of the night assist a blackguard such as thineself?” Luna asked, clearly still annoyed at her sisters behavior.

“Art thou backing out of battle, oh Princess? Hast thou had enough of my manly swagger from a mere flower bouncing off your precious little neck? Ha! I had hoped a Princess had more honor than that.” He stood back, arms smugly crossed as he eyed Luna.

“Well, if you put it like that, I may not have had enough of your manly swagger. And I’m in the mood to annoy dear sister right now, so what do you say?” Her eyes fluttered half closed, seductively eyeing the Black Knight.

“AHA, I KNE- wait, what the damnation are you implying? I have no desire to thrust my sword into your scabbard, you foul spawn of Hell!”

The gears turned in Luna’s head, and she quickly caught up, a look of confusion being replaced with a flat look of unamusement. “We are most interested in pranks, Black Knight. Not any less...savory activities thy disgusting mind hath imagined. We would not soil our royal sheath with an inferior sword, after all.” With that, she turned, and with a hard beat of her wings rose up into the sky. “We must return to Canterlot. Our sister needs us.”

“INFERIOR? THE BLACK KNIGHT KNOWS NOT THE MEANING OF THE WORD! NOW COME HERE, YOU TROLLOP, AND SEE HOW INFERIOR I AM FOR YOURSELF! WAIT, where are you going? The Black Knight can never refuse a challenge! Come back here so I can show you the Black Knight’s white lightning!”

Snowflake, who had arrived in time to see the battle, trotted up and placed a comforting hoof on his shoulder. “She’s gone, bro. Let it go. Too many stallions have spent years admiring that flank. I’ve got a pony I think you should meet, he helped me through a lot of my anger issues. He lives in the forest, but I know a mare, you know. C’mon. Bring your, um, flower with you, just in case.” Snowflake turned and trotted towards the stream bordering the forest, the Black Knight following mostly due to a lack of anything else to do and a lack of important looking shrubbery in the immediate vicinity.

Chapter 4: That's No Ordinary Rabbit...

Around the back of a familiar cottage at the edge of the Everfree Forest, a yellow pegasus cheerfully hummed as she flitted from birdhouse to birdhouse. She smiled at all the little families that had taken up residence this year, glowing with happiness and pride. Sweet birdsong mingled with her own cheerful humming, complementing each other into a tiny orchestra of spring.

So lost was she in her own world of song that she failed to notice the voices and footsteps coming up her path. Angel Bunny, however, was no slouch, and he began increasingly annoying ways of getting her attention. Thumping the ground didn’t work. Squeaking in his little bunny voice didn’t work. Hurling the left over fruits from breakfast, however, did.

With a squeak of fear, Fluttershy’s wings snapped closed and she landed ungracefully on the ground, nose to nose with her beloved pet. “Oh, Angel Bunny, you scared me! Please try to be more careful next time.” She stood and stretched out her legs and wings, looking off into the sky. Angel violently thumped his broad foot onto her foreleg, causing her to draw back and look at the bunny with concern.

“What is it, Angel? Is something wrong?” The tiny rabbit desperately pointed towards the front of the house. She could finally hear voices drifting up to her. Male voices.

“V-visitors? Oh my. M-maybe it’s just Big Mac-but oh, he doesn’t talk that much, at least not usually. What do you think, Angel?” Her wide teal eyes fixed gently on her pet, showing her trademark shyness.

With a dramatic roll of his eyes, he hopped behind Fluttershy and rabbit-kicked her in the flank to get her moving.

“Oh! Of course. It would be very rude to leave them waiting, especially if they have a pet that needs healing!” With newfound purpose, she trotted around to the front of the house.

“I’m sorry, I was out back and I didn’t hear you come up. Did you need some-” The rest of the sentence died in her mouth, ending in a small squeak as she dashed back around the side of the house. It was one of them! Those two legged animals that kept showing up! Why did they always fixate on her? She wanted no part of their always crude and occasionally physically impossible lusts.

“The Black Knight needs no help from man nor mare! And thine adorable countenance has no effect on a warrior such as I! Now, relinquish your marvellous topiary, for a cowardly coloured sissy like you has not the stomach to properly guard such wonders!” The Black Knight advanced on the cowering pony, brandishing the flame of his fury like a flag of honour.

Snowflake retrieved his eyebrows from the treetops and nudged in front of the Knight. “Whoa, bro. That’s our guide into the forest you’re talkin’ to. She’s a real sweet mare but ya gotta relax around her. Be gentle. If you can’t, let me do the talkin’. I’m real smooth with the ladies.” He winked at the Knight.

“SLANDEROUS CUR! THE BLACK KNIGHT COWERS BEFORE NO CREATURE, LET ALONE A PANSY LITTLE FILLY SCARED OF HER OWN SHADOW! MOVE ASIDE, BEAST, AND LET ME BRING DOWN THE WRATH SHE JUSTLY DESERVES FOR RUNNING FROM ME!” The Knight began to tromp forth, pushing against Snowflake’s ample muscles with his arms.

The stallion sighed. “Look, if you don’t want EVERYONE knowing that your name is MILDRED, you better back off and let me handle this.”

“KNAVE! YOU DARE THREATEN ME?” Snowy held his gaze, not backing down an inch.

“YEAAAAH!”

“THOU ART A ROGUE AND A BLACKGARD. Thine treachery knows no depths, base animal of the field. Thou shalt let me perform my duties uninterrupted, or-”

“Whatever, Mildred. Hey, Fluttershy, come here! I got something funny to tell ya, you’ll love it!”

“NO! STAY THY HOOVES, SQUEAKY YELLOW HORSE! Thou cannot! FINE! You force the Black Knights hand, but know this, timid one: were you not to have such a malodorous traitor to protect you, thee would be in a right pickle!”

“Um, I don’t want to make anypony angry, I’m so sorry if I offended you sir. I’m glad you like my garden though. Maybe we can share it?” Fluttershy extends her characteristic goodwill, even in the face of such rampant cockmastery.

The Black Knight, however, knew no such restraint, and merely turned his head away with a “Hmmph”.

“Well, at least the flankface has shut up now. Are you okay, Fluttershy? How’s Angel?” Snowflake said, almost tenderly, leaning in close to the graceful model.

“Oh yes, thank you Snowflake. Though I-I hope you won’t mind if I ask you to try not to touch the flowers. I mean no offense, but I think there’s a slightly... chemical smell on you, and my garden is ever so delicate.”

“Of course, Miss Fluttershy.” Snowflake’s eyes flash red for a second as he repressed the instinct to bark back an insult to the slight on his person.

As the two were conversing, The Black Knight had wandered off, lost in rapt adulation of the glorious array of shrubberies before him, before something horrible jerked him out of his reverie. Something terrible, a monster the likes of which he never thought he would see again. He tpok a step back as the terrifying creature, the only creature to best him in personal combat, approaches him with an angry expression on its features...

“NO! IT CANNOT BE! WE LEFT THEE FAR BEHIND, IN THE DREADED WASTES OF CAERBANNOG! GOD, THE HIM-FORSAKEN BASTARD, MUST HAVE SENT YOU HERE TO BEST ME! WELL KNOW THIS, FOUL DEMON, YOU SHALT NOT HAVE SUCH AN EASY FIGHT AS WHEN LAST WE MET! HAVE AT THEE!” The Black Knight charged in, wildly pinwheeling his arms as a startled Angel bunny runs off through his legs, nipping him on the ankle as he goes.

The brave Knight overbalances, tripping on a nefarious root and landing on his mailed posterior, sliding through the mud in a manner most unbecoming of a warrior. Unfortunately, this only spurred his rage onto greater heights, if that were possible, and he picked himself up, spitting incoherent strings of obscenities as he charged once more.

“OH I GET IT! TOO YELLOW TO TAKE ME ON MAN-TO-RABBIT? COME HERE AND TAKE YOUR THRASHING LIKE A HARE, YOU SLIPPERY LITTLE BUCK-TOOTHED BAG OF BADGER FOOD!” The Knight aims a hefty boot at the furious leporine, only for the incensed animal to jump onto his leg and sink his razor-sharp teeth into the gallant sir’s leg.

The incredibly brave Knight immediately squealed like a sow being rutted, reaching down and grabbing the furious bunny’s hind legs and yanking him off of his leg. Angel pulled himself up, baring his fangs to bite down on the Knight’s hand as said Knight was winding up to chuck the incredibly dangerous bunny across the garden. Before this could happen, his entire world was suddenly flooded by nothing but furious teal eye, fixing his attention. He found himself unable to look away, frozen in place.

“And just what do you think you are doing, mister? Unhand my bunny at once!” The knight slowly complied, releasing his hands and letting Angel thump unceremoniously to the ground. “And YOU!” She turned her rage on the fearful but unhurt rabbit. “You know we do not, do not bite our visitors!”

The obnoxious bundle of snowy-white bad attitude turned his gaze to Fluttershy, somehow conveying in a glance the situation. The bold Knight just stood there, transfixed and unable to move, confusion and anger running through him like his beloved sword through some manky bastard. Fluttershy hovered above both of them, forehooves planted on her hips as she pushed her relentless stare at the human.

“But he...the rabbit...Caerbannog...” The Knight found himself somehow unable to summon up his endless rage at the moment.

Fluttershy shook her head angrily. “I don’t know WHAT you are talking about. Both of you calm down, right now.”

The Knight shut his trap. Angel sat up quietly beside the Knight.

“Now, shake paws.” She smiled gently at Angel. “Go on.”

The rabbit and the human grudgingly did as she asked, tiny Angel paw shaking the Knight’s index finger. The Black Knight leaned close in, and whispered to the sullen rabbit “Thou may have gained a stay of execution for now, adorable monstrosity, but know ye this: when next we meet, thee shall end the encounter as naught but a pair of fluffy thermal mittens.”

“Good!” Landing gently on the ground, Fluttershy smiled brightly. “Now, what did you need?”

Snowflake finally found his voice again. “Oh! Uh, I wanted to see if you could guide us through the forest. We want to go see Dr. Brainymane. I was thinking he could help this, uh, human dude.”

“Um. I mean, I can certainly guide you there, but. I don’t like visiting that Dr. Mane. He’s mean to everypony.”

A gentle smile went towards Fluttershy from Snowflake, meant to calm her. “Don’t you worry. He won’t be mean to you, or else he’ll answer to me, okay?”

“W-well...” She cast her eyes around, hiding behind her hair as she considered.

“We can’t go alone, we might get lost-and the Everfree forest is very dangerous. You’re our best hope.” Snowflake did his best squinty rendition of ‘puppy dog eyes’, which is to say he looked like he might vomit.

“O-okay. I’ll do it.” Fluttershy nodded resolutely, and began leading the odd pair towards the forest, Angel Bunny riding on her back and keeping a close eye on the strange human.

An hour or so later, the much-ruffled trio finally came into the clearing surrounding Dr. Brainymane’s house. Gingerly walking through the modest vegetable patch, the Knight turned a keen eye to the greenery surrounding them.

“Pah! Such unkept foliage is worth nary a glance from mine eyes. Truly, this Mane must be an untidy ruffian.”

“That’s rich, coming from someone covered in mud and cut-rate chainmail.” A tallish stallion trotted from around the cottage’s corner, wearing a pair of goggles and an expression of weary nihilism.

“You dare impugne upon the Black Knight’s appearance? This livery was tailored by the finest smithy’s in Arthur’s kingdom!”

“Well, I’m guessing Arthur caught tetanus at an early age, then? Now tell me why you came here so you can leave.” Mane seems unimpressed by the Knights attitude, meeting his irate gaze head-on.

“THE KING’S SMITH’S ARE BEYOND REPROACH, YOU DITHERING NINNYHAMMER! Now, have thee any last words before I give thee a haircut to suit thine pathetic and unimpressive manhood?” The ever-irate Knight draws his flower, readying himself for a charge once more.

“Yes, as it happens. Anyone trying to threaten with a flower can’t really talk about pathetic and unimpressive. Now, you came here for a reason, and I’m guessing it wasn’t to get insulted by me. So, what. Was. It?”

Just as the knight lumbered forward into battle, now-rusted greaves squeaking, Snowflake walked in front of him and put a hoof to his chest, halting him. “Dude, remember why we’re here. This guy’s a total flankhole, but he can help you. Swallow your pride, and back down for once.”

“...The Black Knight will heed thy words just this once, but be warned: Once our business here is curtailed, we are to have a lengthy talk concerning my boots in your throat! Now take your damn...hoof off mine noble breast!”

“Fine with me bro, I’ve been looking forward to kicking your flank all day long. Now, shut the buck up and listen to this guy.” Snowflake took his hoof from the warrior’s chest, and turned to Dr. Brainymane. “Listen, doc, this guy’s been a pain in the flank for everypony he’s come across since he arrived here. He’s attacked pretty much everypony he’s met, including Princess Luna. I figured you could help him with his anger issues, right?”

“Yes, I probably could. I can’t see any reason why I should, though. What’s in this for me?”

“Ya mean aside from the chance to not act like a total buckwad for once in your life? Aside from taking an opportunity to do something good for the whole of the town? No? Ok, how about if you do, Luna will owe you a favour.” Dr Mane calmly took all this in, right up until the last point, whereupon his eyes light up with malicious ideas.

“Alright, done.” Mane then turned to the Knight. “You. Get your ass in the cottage, but make sure you wipe it first.”

The Knight’s rage was clearly seething and boiling under the surface, but he managed to keep a lid on it, and followed the Doctor into the house.

“Now, do you have an actual name, or do I just call you ‘Knight’. Or maybe ‘Knighty’, if you prefer.” The Knight was lying down on Mane’s couch, having been persuaded to clean his armour after seeing the sorry state it was in. Snowflake and Fluttershy were in the kitchen, leaving the cantankerous doctor alone with the perpetually-homicidal Knight.

“The Black Knight is the only name that matters to me any more. My given name is irrelevant. And thou shalt keep a civil tongue in thine head when addressing a noble of my standing, whelp.”

The good doctor rolled his eyes, scribbling on a sheet of paper attached to a clipboard. “I see. Your mother named you that? What is your relationship like with her now?” The doctor was well aware that it was the rare psychopath that spoke highly of his mother.

The Knight looked at him sharply. “Mine mother has passed on.”

“My condolences. Was she ill for a long time?”

“No. I killed her with mine own sword the day I reached manhood. ‘Twas a glorious day, indeed.” The Knight smiled cheerfully, recalling the fond memory.

The stallion looked up abruptly, quill raised. “I’m sorry, but why would you kill your mother, if I may ask?”

“Because of mine given name.” The Knight groused and folded his arms. “The harlot had it coming.”

“Really? And you don’t want to tell me what your given name is? Listen, if you wanted to waste my bucking time you could at least have the courtesy to make it interesting. YOU came to ME for help. Now, are you going to tell me your name, or are you going to get the buck out of here and wind up in the Canterlot cells?”

“Thou hast a nature not unlike my own. I sense the spirit of a warrior in thee, horse. Few men would have the courage to speak to me in the manner you have, even fewer foolhardy enough to do so anyway. Fine. The witch named me, a man of great standing and nobility, Mildred. The faithless whore forced my hand.” Arms crossed still over his chest, the Knight looked off to the side, embarrassed.

“I...see.” The quill scratched across the parchment, then stopped, the feathered end tapping the doctor’s chin as he looked thoughtfully at the Knight.

“I believe I’ve heard enough. I know exactly what will keep you from trying to murder everything in Equestria.” And provide everyone with a damn good laugh, too.

“Well, out with it then! My heart once more lusts for battle!” The Knights eyes light up with anger once more, as he follows the doctor through the kitchen into the laboratory.

“Now, these herbs are hoofing hard to get hold of, so save them for when you meet important people. Like, next time you run into the princesses, for instance. They’ll help you calm down, and... well, see the world in a different light. It’s called Gloomsbane, but you won’t find it in any official shops. Now, take your damn friends and buck off back to Ponyville, I’ve got research to do.”

“Very well. But be warned, the Black Knight has little tolerance for your attitude. When next we meet, thou had better bloody well keep a civil tongue in thy head.” With that, the Knight stuffed the herbs in his pocket, noticing a slight tingling sensation left on his hand...

Back at Fluttershy’s cottage, the four were gathered around a table, debating what to do.

“I really think we should visit the palace. Um, if that’s okay with everypony. I think we need to let the Princesses know the situation is under control. Is everypony okay with that?”

“That sounds fine to me.” Snowflake shrugged. “But I still want my go at this idiot.”

“HA! THOU SHALT RUE THE DAY THOU OFFERED SUCH A CHALLENGE, KNAVE!”

Fluttershy rubbed her temples. “O-okay. Sir Knight? What did the doctor give you? Was it something to help you?”

“Verily, he hath given me something by the name of Gloomsbane. He suggested it may calm me down, though I do not know why that bloody bastard would suggest I need calming. The nerve! I shall return to his cottage at once and beat him black and blue with my begonia!” He made as if to stand, but Snowflake pushed his shoulder back down.

Teal eyes darted back and forth as Fluttershy considered her options. “S-Sir Knight? Um, maybe you should eat some of the Gloomsbane now, if that’s okay with you. It’s j-just, what if you have an allergy to it? I wouldn’t want you to eat it in town where a doctor wouldn’t get to you fast enough.” She nodded. That made sense, right?

Of course, Fluttershy knew precisely what gloomsbane was and why it was called such, and figured that the sooner this crazy bastard ate some, the better.

“Verily, thy logic is sound. The Black Knight is loathe to heed the words of the doctor. And besides, I feel the need for a drink after such tribulations, and this may do just as well.” He pulled a small section of the leafy plant from his pack, sniffing the tips. “Filly! Direct me. Shall I eat the entire plant, or just the stems?”

“Oh, eat the whole thing, if you don’t mind. We need to be sure you won’t have a reaction to any of it.” She squeak smiled up at the Knight, leaning forward slightly, eyes glowing with anticipation.

Snowflake raised his eyebrow at Fluttershy, wondering about the real reason she was so insistent. He didn’t know her TOO well, but well enough to know when she was acting a bit strange. Those big eyes, looking even wider and more innocent than before, were also tipping him off. This mare’s up to something. Don’t know what, but if it makes this flankface any easier to deal with it’s worth a shot.

And so the Black Knight shoved the bundle of herbs into his mouth, chewing voraciously with his mouth open. He made a face as he forced them down, grunting. “Mine stomach is empty, I have not eaten since my arrival in this accursed land of horses. Tell me, does all thine food have such a bitter tang to it? Fetch me a drink to scour this unholy flavour from my mouth!” Fluttershy flitted away to the kitchen as the Knight’s mouth twists in disgust, swallowing the last of the herbs.

Fluttershy bustled around the kitchen, preparing a pot of tea. Once the kettle had boiled, and she had laid out the cups and saucers, at least ten minutes had passed, and she felt anxious to return to her impromptu guests. What if he really was allergic? She hoped she had enough anti-allergy herbs to counter it, though he didn’t look too heavy so he might not need much.

She trotted back into the kitchen, tray balanced on her hoof. “I’m sorry Mr Knight, I didn’t mean to put any pressure on you. They’re your herbs, and you should eat them whenever you please... oh.”

Her eyes met a very strange scene on entering the kitchen. The Knight was slowly moving his head from side to side, intently studying his hands. “I cannot believe mine eyes never before noticed the intricate pattern of chainmail in the soft light of dusk... it is truly beautiful...” Snowflake was covering his muzzle with a hoof, trying not to burst out laughing.

While the Knight was thus occupied, Angel Bunny scampered onto the table and ran right up to the Knight, eying him critically. He looked the same, that’s for sure, but somehow less...wild, thought the rabbit. When the Knight locked eyes with him, he barely had time to register the Knight’s much larger than usual pupils before he was snatched up in chainmail gloves.

“OH GLORIOUS HARE!” He rubbed the now desperately squeaking bunny against his unhelmeted face, a smile of pure joy across his features. The bunny, for his part, looked wildly around for Fluttershy, who stood in the doorway with a knowing little smile on her face. Angel’s eyes narrowed at her.

“Oh, I see you’ve made friends with Angel! How wonderful.” The tea was distributed swiftly to each pony, person, and bunny. “Now, I know he’s very soft, but please put Angel down now. It’s time for tea! And look, I even gave you the prettiest teacup I have!” She beamed like an angel at the Knight, gently taking Angel back and plopping him beside her.

After removing his chainmail, the Knight complied, lifting his cup and holding it to the beams of sunlight filtering through the room, oohing and aahing at the dance of light on liquid. “So very...very lovely, Miss Fluttershy... the floral pattern matches my mighty weapon...”

She felt a poke to her side, and turned to Snowflake, who was eyeballing her and giggling slightly. “What.”

“What?” She asked innocently.

“Wat.”

A/N: Dancer here, with a game for all of you! If you can correctly guess what substance we drew our inspiration from for what the Knight is currently on, your OC gets a cameo in our story! The colors and race of the OC are subject to change, in the event your OC is a red and black alicorn. SORRY MR DARKNESS MCNIGHTSLAYER.

EDIT: The "game" is over! Sorry if you were too late to participate before it was over.

Chapter 5: Strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords

A strange little procession made it’s way towards Ponyville. At the head of it was a butter-yellow pegasus with a beatific smile upon her face, pet rabbit sitting sulkily on her back. Behind her came a fairly bedraggled human with an equally happy smile upon his own face, stopping every few moments to stroke a pebble or roll upon the ground. Bringing up the rear and periodically nudging the human was a highly confused but extremely amused Snowflake, who had decided that maybe this was turning out to be more fun than going to the gym after all.

A gentle and motherly voice floated back to the Knight. “Oh, didn’t you say you were hungry? Come now, there’s a nice cafe near here that I think you’ll just love!” She smiled cheerfully, slowing to allow the Knight to come up beside her.

“IT IS TRUE, DIVINE FILLY! MINE STOMACH RUMBLES AND CRIES OUT FOR SUSTENANCE! BRING ME TO YOUR FINEST BANQUETING HALL SO THAT I MAY PARTAKE OF YOUR LAND’S DELICACIES.” He patted Fluttershy on the head, leaving a hand on her soft mane as they turned onto the main road.

Of course, word had spread quickly around Ponyville about the newcomer and his utter lack of regard for life of any kind, so once they began their travel down the main road, silence blanketed the usually cheerful townsponies. Mothers pulled their foals close, while stallions and mares alike eyed him with distrust.

Seeing the normally shy pegasus in such close quarters with him started a ripple of whispers through the crowd. Was she crazy? Hexed? Perhaps the Element of Kindness had, in fact, gotten through to him? The look on the Knight’s face seemed to back up the latter point, a large smile adorning it as he happily skipped beside the pegasus and chattered non-stop into the empty air about everything he could see.

She steered him gently with little nudges of her nose and forehoof to a small restaurant to the right side of the street, the crowd parting to allow them through. Clearing her throat daintily, Fluttershy got the attention of the maître d’ and requested a table for three. Turning slightly, she eyed the human and noted that the Gloomsbane was still in full effect. She quickly edited her request to an outdoor table.

The host led them past a few other tables, finally seating them beside a young couple on a date and a small group of teenage colts. Angel settled himself under the table, not wishing to have the Knight fixate on him again. One of the colts eyed the Knight carefully from, then turned back to his companions and whispered. The three snickered amongst themselves, stealing glances at Fluttershy’s table and munching hayfries.

As the three sat about the table, the Black Knight’s eyes slid across to the waiter bringing them yet another plate of greasy, hot hayfries. His eyes narrowed, not noticing that this waiter didn’t look like a normal pony. A strange, white mask adorned his face, with what looked like a nail sticking through it where a unicorns horn would be, and his eyes were an unusual shade of black. The final warning sign was his cutie mark, being in the shape of a scythe. All of these details amounted to a very, very disturbed teenager.

But the Black Knight is no man to take notice of such trifles! He stood up, with a single line of drool swinging lazily from the corner of his mouth. He stumbled towards the waiter, who slowly turned his sullen gaze towards the newcomer.

“Sit down, sir, I’ll get to you in a minute.” He gestured with a hoof, politely, to the Knight’s table with a slightly worrying smile showing at the edges of his mask.

The Black Knight’s eyes glazed over, blind to all except the delicious tray of food in the waiter’s other hoof. With a speed borne of years of combat, he lunged for the tray, deftly sliding a hand underneath and relieving the pony of his burden. He immediately turned his back on the bemused waiter, crouching down on his heels and shovelling hayfries into his mouth.

“Sir? Those weren’t for you, you know.” The masked pony approached the furiously chewing human, putting a hoof out politely to take back the tray.

“WARHORSE! THESE YELLOW STRIPS ARE DELICIOUS! I SHALL NOT GIVE UP MY PRIZE! OOH, WHERE DID THEE GET THINE MASK? IT MOST BECOMES THEE!” Half eaten fries spew from the Knight’s mouth to splatter the waiter’s mask, giant smile still adorning his face.

“Eurgh. You just spat fries all over my face. Do you want to apologise, sir?”

“THIS DAY IS FAR TOO GLORIOUS FOR SUCH MINOR CONCERNS! CAN THEE NOT FEEL THE JOY PERMEATING THE AIR? COME, DANCE WITH ME, AND I SHALL SHOW THEE UNBOUND DELIGHTS!”

The Black Knight stands up, grabbing the strange pony’s hooves in his mailed hands with a delirious expression on his face and slamming his helmet over the mask. “COME, SEE THE WORLD THROUGH MINE EYES!” Ignoring his protests, the gallant crusader swings him around, doing a two-step tango with a troubled and trepidatious teenager with a nail protruding from his helmet. Fluttershy watches on with a smile on her face, quietly enjoying the spectacle.

“WAIT! STOP! BAD TOUCH! GET OFF ME, I DON’T WANT TO DANCE WITH YOU!” Wrath’s voice sounds metallic, resonating within the Black Knight’s helmet as he is spun around ever faster. The Black Knight is still oblivious, powerful muscles flexing to nearly lift Wrath off the ground.

“COME ON, EVERYBODY! ‘TIS A GLORIOUS DAY! CAN THEE NOT FEEL THE LOVE AND KINDNESS RADIATING FROM MINE VERY SOUL? YOUR HOOVES FEEL AMAZING, HOW DOES THEE NOT JUST SIT AROUND RUBBING THEM ALL THE LIVELONG DAY!”

“Um, well... that’s not important! Now let me go already!” Wrath struggles to free himself from the iron grip of the ecstatic knight errant, but can feel his hooves slipping from under the greasy hands of this most interminable stranger. “Wait! Don’t let me go just yet! Stop spinning so quickly first!”

Fluttershy now looks a little concerned for Wrath, and gently flaps up to the Black Knight. “Um, excuse me Mr Knight. Do you think you could put the nice waiter down now?” She tries to place a placating hoof on the Knight’s shoulder, but can’t get near enough to him.

“NAY! I CANNOT! FOR MINE TASK IS YET INCOMPLETE! THE BLACK KNIGHT SHALL NEVER FALTER IS HIS QUEST TO BRING HAPPINESS AND LIGHT TO THIS POOR DEPRESSED COLTS LIFE!”

Fluttershy looks worried for a moment, until a small smile creeps across her face. She turns her head, and fixes Angel with a meaningful look. The rabbit back up slowly from the advancing Fluttershy, until he is cornered against a table leg. He shuts his eyes as his vision is filled with butter-yellow hooves.

“Oh Mister Knight, I think there’s a little someone here who’d like to say hello to you again!” Fluttershy holds the exasperated-looking rabbit up to the Knight, immediately letting go of Wrath. Wrath flies into a group of tables, sending them careening through the restaurant window with him. The bartender casually continues polishing a glass, gazing down at the wall-eyed pony.

“Check please.” Wrath says, before promptly hitting the floor, out cold.

Fluttershy, in her amazing ability to hide in plain sight, quickly hoofed over to the Knight and used a wing to prod him off of the patio and into the street. Blending in with the crowd almost seamlessly as medical ponies rushed to Wrath, who unfortunately now had the helmet stuck firmly on his head thanks to the nail in his mask, she turned to the Knight, shaking her head.

“Maybe we should try somewhere else for lunch...if that’s okay with you, I mean.” She smiled up at him hopefully, still gently ushering them away as the Black Knight once more inflicts his enthusiastic cuddles on a resigned-looking Angel bunny.

The trio walked down the road, Snowflake having departed along the way muttering excuses about hitting the gym. The Black Knight was swaying slightly, occasionally stopping to admire a particularly lovely bush or sniff a delicious-looking flower. Fluttershy looked as though she was getting a little bit tired of the Knight, betraying her emotions only with a quiet sigh here and there. Finally, they crested the top of a hill, and the pink hues of Sugarcube Corner swam into view.

“Come on Mister Knight, only a few more steps to go and then we can eat. I have a wonderful friend here, I’m sure you’ll just love her.” Fluttershy gently ushered the grinning idiot through the door, silently regretting her decision to encourage the Knight to eat the Gloomsbane. The Knight stopped dead the moment he walked into the bakery, eyes wide and sparkling in wonder at this magical place of colours and the delicious scents of caramelised sugar on the air. Angel took the opportunity to leap out of the Knight’s grasp and onto the floor, scampering to the safety of a corner.

As the Knight took in the scene, revelling in the delightful stimuli, a pink pony popped her head up from behind the counter.

“HI! You must be new here!” A huge, epic gasp escaped her, eyes going as wide as dinner plates. “I CAN GIVE YOU A WELCOMING PARTY! WE CAN HAVE BALLOONS AND CAKE AND ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I’VE SEEN A HUMAN AND-”

“YE GODS! A PINK PONY! I FIND THINE COAT TO BE OF A MOST LUSTROUS HUE! WOULDST THOU MIND IF I HUGGED THEE?” The Knight approached the bubbly smile-factory with outstretched arms, mouth still hanging open in an inane grin.

“Sure! I LOVE making new friends! And you’re one of the friendly-wendliest humans I’ve ever ever met!” The Black Knight lurched forward into Pinkie’s open arms, but completely missed and fell face-first into a pineapple upside-down cake. He dragged himself to his feet, licking enthusiastically at the frosting around his mouth. Pinkie Pie started snorting and giggling uncontrollably, because the Knight had two pineapple rings adorning his face where his eyes were. Even Fluttershy cracked a smile, and Angel was holding his sides on the floor, squeaking so hard his feet were beating a rhythm on the floor.

“WHAT? WHAT AMUSES THEE SO? DOES MINE FACE HAVE A SMIDGEN OF FROSTING ON IT? VERILY, THIS CAKE IS DELICIOUS!” Shaking with the effort of holding in giggles, Fluttershy raised a demure hoof to her mouth.

“YOU SILLY! YOU GOT PINEAPPLE ALL OVER YOUR FACE” Pinkie collapsed into another round of giggling, rolling around on her back. Finally, the Black Knight caught sight of his reflection in a nearby mirror, and was transfixed by the apparition appearing before him. He seemed to freeze, mouth drooping slightly downward, and the three others in the room seemed to catch his change in demeanor.

“Verily, the Black Knight looks... ridiculous.”

“YEAH YOU DO! Pineapple! All over your face!” Pinkie was still gigglesnorting on the floor, until Fluttershy gently put a hoof on her shoulder. “What? What did I do?”

“Um, Mister Knight? Please don’t be mad, we weren’t laughing at you in a mean way. At least, Pinkie and I weren’t.” Fluttershy says, directing a glare at Angel. “I hope we didn’t offend you. Are you angry?”

“Forsooth, I feel a strange sensation in my gut. No one has ever dared laugh at The Black Knight before. It feels... strangely good...”

Needing no further invitation, Pinkie leapt up happily again, grasping the Knight’s hands in her hooves. “That’s the spirit, Knighty! Laughing with other ponies is great!” They danced around the room together, Pinkie swinging the Knight happily while his goofy smile resurfaced.

Smiling gently, Fluttershy breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, um, I hope you don’t mind, but I need to get back to my cottage. Will you be okay with him, Pinkie?”

Pausing, Pinkie snapped a smart salute, the effect somewhat ruined by the frosting on her snout. “You can count on me, Shy! I’ll have the most super duper party EVER for him! And he can help! I need to know what he likes, after all!” She giggled and bounded around the Knight, who for his part was merely grinning and sliding pineapple rings over his fingers.

Angel scampered back up onto Fluttershy’s back and brought his large foot down on her rump, gesturing with his paws for her to get out while the getting was good. Her giggles followed her out, feeling confident in her pink friend’s abilities.

Chapter 6: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!

“I’m super duper psyched that we’re gonna be hanging out together all day! What do you want to do first? We could do some baking, or I could show you my pictures of my holiday in Vanhooveser!” Pinkie bounced around the Black Knight, who appeared to be chewing his own tongue.

“Verily, I find myself most parched. The Black Knight needs a drink! Show me your finest of beverages, that I might slake mine thirst!”

“Oh! I didn’t even realise! Gloomsbane makes you super thirsty after a while! It’s totally worth it though, it makes EVERYTHING fun! I’ll just go grab you some of my home-made Sarsaparilla!” Pinkie zoomed into the back room for a moment, leaving the Black Knight to contemplate his surroundings. A glint of light caught his eye, and he picked up a large knife from the table that Pinkie had been using to divide up her numerous cakes.

“Verily, ‘tis a fine weapon. The Black Knight deems it worthy of his usage, until my blasted sword is returned to me.” Removing the flower, he slipped the blade into the scabbard where his sword was, just as Pinkie rushed back into the room, balancing a tray of bottles on her head. Unsure of what to do with said flower, he tucked it behind his ear.

“You have to try this! It’s the most delicious drink in the whole of Equestria! And Mr and Mrs Cake make the best version of it, too! Here, have a bottle!” The Black Knight took one of the bottles, taking a swig as Pinkie watched him with a grin.

“PINK ONE! THIS IS THE SWEETEST, MOST DELICIOUS DRINK TO EVER GRACE MINE PALATE! QUICKLY, HAND ME THAT TRAY!” The Knight moved to take the entire tray and start guzzling down each and every bottle, but Pinkie moved her head just out of his reach.

“Sorry Mister Knight, but Mr and Mrs Cake told me I have to save some of these because they’re having some friends over in the week and they want to get a second opinion on their recipe. But you can have one more bottle, I’m sure they won’t mind!” Pinkie hoofs over another bottle, which the Knight only just caught.

“Soooooo, Mister Knight, I hear that Fluttershy gave you some Gloomsbane. You wouldn’t happen to have any... spare, would you? It’s my most favouritest plant in the whole of Equestria! But it’s so rare, I never ever ever get the chance to have any!” Pinkie gave the Knight her most adorable puppy-dog eyes, and the Knight felt the perpetual rage lurking inside him soothed, just a little.

“OF COURSE, PINK ONE! You have shown the Knight such kindness that to refuse would besmirch the reputation of any gallant warrior! Though it was not yon... Fluttershy... who gave me these marvellous herbs. I was given them by a most obnoxious stallion. Verily, t’was all I could do to restrain myself from making him taste my wrath. But I am glad I did not, for he may not have given me these glorious herbs. Here, Pink One, pray partake so that we can be merry together!” The Knight took the bundle of Gloomsbane out of his britches pocket, and offered it to Pinkie. But the party pony was looking a little trepidatious of accepting them.

“Wait, you went to see Brainymane? And he actually gave you some Gloomsbane? I know that meany-weeny stuck-up stallion never helps anyone unless it’s really, really super serious! He gave you those herbs for medicine, didn’t he?”

“Verily he did, Pink One. But canst thou not see I am cured? Forsooth, to have another experience what I have felt is cure enough! Come now, pray accept!” But Pinkie drew back, sadly shaking her head.

“No, I’m sorry Mister Knight. I can’t take anypony’s medicine, even if it is super-funtimes medicine. OOH! But maybe you can help me look for some more! You know, in the forest!” Pinkie brightened up, once again grinning at the thought of yet more fun.

“A QUEST! IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I FELT THE PURPOSE OF A QUEST IN MY BONES! YEA, PINK ONE! WE SHALL FIND YON GLOOMSBANE, AND ALL OF THINE FRIENDS SHALL BE HAPPY AS WELL! LET US MAKE HASTE!”

A few hours later, in the Everfree Forest, a very strange pair could be seen wandering around, startling all the animals into their homes. Even the bears seemed to get the impression that the odd two-legged creature was probably best left alone.

“Pink One, the Black Knight grows weary of this looking. Truly, this quest is a buzzkill. Dost thou not know of a better way to obtain the Gloomsbane?” Plucking yet another stray leaf out of his hair, he turned to Pinkie.

Bouncing around the trees happily, Pinkie seemed unaffected by the Knight’s boredom. “Silly Knighty! The quest was just an idea! Maybe we’ll find it, maybe we won’t, but either way we can have a super fun time! Maybe we’ll find something new and exciting! I stash so many fun things all over Equestria that I can’t remember them all, so maybe we’ll run across one! Ooooh, did I ever stash some Gloomsbane across Equestria? Maybe I did! Who knows! This one time, I tumbled over some leaves and I found this old stash of confetti and charges for my party cannon which is SO MUCH FUN, I need to show you sometime, and-” Pinkie hopped off, leaping around trees and shoving her snout beneath bushes and into animal burrows while continuing to chatter.

The Black Knight tuned Pinkie out, realizing even in his altered state that Too Much Pinkie Pie could be a bad thing. Wandering around the area, he noticed a huge, moss-strewn rock. Thinking that perhaps some Gloomsbane could be under there, he called upon all his mighty strength to lift the boulder, flipping it over. Alas, he didn’t notice the gaping hole the boulder was covering, and promptly fell head-over-heels into it.

“AHHHHH! WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS! ACCURSED GORBELLIED RUMP FED FUSTILARIAN OF A GOD!” He thumped uncomfortably through a winding tunnel, swearing all the way. “THIS SNIVELLING SOWS-WIFE OF A LAND! DECEITFUL, PLEBIAN WRETCHED UNDERHANDED GUTTERSNIPE OF A WORLD!” The Black Knight’s stream of unutterable profanity continues as he bounces and rolls down the slope, getting more and more angry and vengeful as he was unceremoniously dumped into a pool of water. What was worse, he felt a strange sensation as he climbed out, as though the world was slowly turning around him whilst he was crawling out. He spat out a stream of water onto the ground, barely containing his rage as he got to his feet.

“KNAVE! WHAT SORT OF WITCHERY HAST THOU EMPLOYED! THERE IS ONLY ONE BLACK KNIGHT! HAVE AT THEE!” A perfect copy of the Black Knight, naked as the day he was born, runs at the Black Knight, catching him across the jaw with a perfect right hook. The Black Knight stumbled backwards, flabbergasted at the sight of being attacked by himself.

“Verily, this gloomsbane is excellent shit.” At that moment, Pinkie bounces down the slope, only stopping when she sees the scene playing out before her.

“Knighty! Oh what do I do, what do I do?” Prancing in place nervously, she eyed the two Knights with worry writ large upon her face. “How did you do that? How did you even find this place? This is bad, Knighty, this is really bad! We need to find Twilight so she can send the duplicate back into the water!”

At this, The Naked Knight’s head snapped around, and he caught sight of the pink pony. “WITCH, WAS THIS THINE FOUL MACHINATION?! PERHAPS IF I REMOVE THINE HEAD, THINE SPELL WILL BE BROKEN! AAAAHHHH!” The Naked Knight charged at Pinkie, who squeaked in fright and ran away from the naked, glistening wet warrior charging at her with murderous intent. The Naked Knight is fast, but Pinkie was not bound by the laws of physics, and she easily outstripped him. Just as the Naked Knight started his second lap of the cave, he was tackled to the ground by a perturbed but still quite high Black Knight.

“KNAVE! DO NOT LAY THINE HANDS UPON THE PINK PARTY PONY OF PONYVILLE! I DO NOT KNOW FROM WHENCE THEE CAME, BUT I SWEAR UPON MINE SHITHEAD OF A GOD THAT I SHALL SEND THEE BACK TO THE PITS OF HELL!” As the two Knights began scuffling with each other, the Black Knight making sure to avoid the Naked Knight’s... acorn, a sudden eruption of light emanated from the pool beside them.

Struggling to their feet and calling a temporary truce, the two Knights stood to look into the pool again. Suddenly, the water parted down the middle, revealing the bottom of the pool which turned out to be a shimmering portal. And inside that portal?

“HA! HELLO AGAIN, BLACK KNIGHTS! I HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING YOURSELF! HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE TO LOOK AT YOURSELF, EH? SEE WHAT THE REST OF US HAVE TO PUT UP WITH?” God, holding a large oaken staff with which he appeared to be keeping the waters parted, threw back his head and laughed, Celestia draped over his back and nuzzling his ear. “BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING, EH? EH?”

Both the Black Knight’s faces contorted, one with confusion, one with rage, but both clearly trying to hold their anger in check.

“OH MY GOODNESS! Princess Celestia? What are you doing here? And who’s that? And are you having a party? Can I come? OOH! Can I invite Twilight and Luna and all the girls and my two new best friends here?!” Pinkie seems oblivious to what God and Celestia have clearly been doing.

“WELL, CELESTIA, WHAT DO YOU THINK? CAN THESE MORTALS KEEP UP WITH US? HA! I THINK NOT! THOUGH I HAVE ALWAYS HAD AN EYE FOR YOUR SISTER, I HAVE TO ADMIT. BET I COULD PUT A WHOLE NEW GALAXY ON THAT FLANK, EH?” God booms out, with a lecherous grin on his face. Celestia had a drunken smile on her face, but abruptly loses it when God mentioned her sister.

“What, suddenly I’m not enough for you now? Now you want my sister as well? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE YOU LOVE ME, GOD?” Celestia runs out of sight, tears running down her face.

“God! You’re a real meany-weany! Why did you do that to the Princess?” Pinkie yells out, making God seem a little taken aback for a moment. But then he shakes his head, drops of divine booze flying from his beard.

“I’M GOD! I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! I DON’T CARE HOW ADORABLE YOU ARE, I TAKE ORDERS FROM NO ONE! AND NOW YOU’VE SPOILED MY FUN! WELL, SEE HOW YOU LIKE THIS FOR FUN!” And with that, God points a finger at the Knights and Pinkie, and they disappear from the area with a flash of light.

“NOW, I SUPPOSE I’D BETTER GIVE THIS BACK TO MOSES. SUCH A CARD, ALWAYS USING IT TO BURN DOWN PEOPLE’S JUNIPER BUSHES...” The portal closed, God’s chuckle echoing through the still cave.

It was another glorious day in Ponyville. Tree’s were singing, birds were rustling, and hedges were shining. Ponies chatted and conspired over cups of tea, gossip about Celestia’s nightlife running like wildfire. Until, to everypony’s distinct surprise, a strange, greenish-yellow-purple vortex appeared in the town square. Curious about this peculiar new addition to their daily routine, a few ponies trotted over to take a closer look.

Just as one of them was placing her snout next to the aura for a good sniff, a strange pink... thing erupted out of it, dragging an odd, acorn-shaped tube across her nose. The pony jumped back, startled, quickly wiping her nose clean as two more entities burst from the light. The first looked strangely similar to the pink one that emerged initially, the second was a more familiar pony-shaped one. On closer inspection, it turned out to be Pinkie Pie. Satisfied with the explanation, the ponies went back about their normal business.

“CURSE THAT ARROGANT BAT-FOWLING GOD! WHAT HAST THE BLAGGARD DONE TO US NOW?!?”

“I don’t know, Mister Knight, that was kinda fun! Think we can do it again?” Pinkie bounces around, quite at home with having been teleported several kilometres in the company of a naked human. And then, the naked human ran at her, eyes wide and with an odd sparkle in them.

The Naked Knight knocked Pinkie aside, taking the Black Knight in a tight embrace and planting sloppy kisses all over his face. The Black Knight looked nonplussed, trying to extricate himself from the grip of the previously aggressive version of himself. A familiar chuckle resounded across the square, seeming to come from the air itself. “LETS SEE YOU KEEP YOUR COOL NOW, EH? HA HA HA...”

Pinkie looks at the struggling pair, not sure whether to help or to burst out laughing. The Naked Knight has wrestled the Black Knight to the ground now, and is tugging and pulling at his britches. Hampered, however, by the Black Knight’s efforts to pull them back up and push him away.

“FORSOOTH, KNAVE, WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YE? DOST THEE NOT KNOW THEE AM ME? I MEAN, I AM THEE?”

“I KNOW, AND I CARE NOT! ALL THE BLACK KNIGHT KNOWS IS THE BURNING PASSION IN HIS LOINS! HE CARES NOT FROM WHENCE IT CAME, ONLY WHERE IT NOW SHALL GO! AND I INTEND TO PUT IT IN THEE, OH FAIREST OF SUMMER FLOWERS!” The Naked Knight licked his lips salaciously, eyeing the Black Knight with a glint in his eyes.

A familiar boom from the sky came quite suddenly, clouds parting to reveal an extremely amused God accompanied by a still upset but somewhat placated Celestia. “ENJOYING THY OWN MINISTRATIONS, KNIGHT? NOW...KISS!”

Horrified, the Black Knight pushed the Naked Knight off of him, stumbling backwards. “GOD! HOW COULD THEE? DIDST THOU NOT TEACH US THAT HOMOSEXUALITY IS AN ABOMINATION UNTO THY SIGHT?”

“HA! YEAH, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE. I ALSO TOLD YOU NOT TO KILL, BUT THEN LOOK AT ABRAHAM AND ISAAC! OH, GOOD TIMES. YOU HUMANS ARE TOO EASY TO MESS WITH. MEN AND THEIR SQUICKS, EH? DOST THOU EAT FISH? ART THOU NOT WEARING CLOTH WEAVED OF SEVERAL TYPES OF THREAD? THE WORDS OF MEN ARE JUST THAT, AS WELL AS HILARIOUS. YOU GUYS MAKE UP ALL THIS SHIT THAT I SUPPOSEDLY SAID, SPREAD IT AS TRUTH, AND THEN YOU WONDER WHY I MESS WITH YOU ALL SO MUCH?” Celestia snerked at this, punching God lightly on the shoulder.

“That’s just too rich. Imagine where Equestria would be if that were a sin?” She fell back on the plush cloud bed, hind legs kicking with merriment as she laughed.

A small white stallion with mussy brown hair pointed up to the sky. Pinkie Pie, bouncing around still, recognized him as Dim Bulb, a rather annoying town stallion that had taken to worshipping the God of humans. “IT SHOULD BE A SIN, CELESTIA! WHEN WILL YOU LEARN THAT THE WORD OF GOD IS SUPERIOR TO THAT OF PONIES?”

A sudden rumble, and a moment later, Dim Bulb was squashed unceremoniously by a runaway wagon full of anvils. Gasps filled the square. “HE’S DEAD!” Somepony screamed.

“I’m not...quite dead yet,” coughed out the stallion, raising one hoof slightly in supplication. “It’s ok though, it’s all part of His divine plan...”

God reached down with His Holy Hands, and flicked the stallion in the back of the head, silencing him completely before he was removed from the square by whatever magic it was God was employing.

“WHERE WAS I? AH, YES! SO CELESTIA, NOW YOU’RE INTO MARES? WHERE WAS ALL THIS FIVE HUNDRED YEARS AGO, EH?”

“Well, God, the idea came to me after the weekend in Tartarus. You know, when you left me to the ministrations of the Succubi? They showed me quite a few things you never could...”

“COME NOW CELLY, SURELY THAT’S ALL LOCUSTS UNDER THE DOORMAT BY NOW? AREN’T WE HAVING A NICE TIME HERE?” God squeezes Celestia in a one-armed hug, giving her rump a slap as he does so. The sun shakes a little bit in the sky, as Celestia gives a little moan at the touch.

“OH GOD! You know I could never stay mad at you...” She took another swig of wine from the Holy Grail, and giggled.

“SEE? I KNEW WE WOULD MAKE UP IN THE END! NOT TO MENTION OUT, HAHA! ANYWAY, THE POINT IS, BLACK KNIGHT, THAT BEFORE YOU CAN LOVE OTHERS YOU MUST FIRST LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF! SO MAKE WITH THE HOT STUFF ALREADY, I’M LOSING WOOD HERE!” And with that, the heavenly choir of angels sounded, though a little more confused than usual, and the clouds once more came together.

The Black Knight stares up at the clouds, flabbergasted at the sheer audacity of his creator. He didn’t even notice the Naked Knight sitting on the ground, humping his leg. Pinkie, however, had zoomed back to Twilight’s house to get help, obviously having taken exception to God’s wanton manipulation.

“TWILIGHT! TWILIGHT! YOU HAVE TO COME QUICK BECAUSE THERE’S A KNIGHT AND ANOTHER KNIGHT WHO’S HIM BUT NOT REALLY AND THERE’S A REALLY MEAN GOD WHO MADE THE KNIGHT CRAZY AND I THINK CELESTIA TOO AND NOW IT’S GOTTEN SO BIG I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO SO COME QUICKLY!!!!!” Pinkie pauses for breath, panting with her tongue out while Twilight tries to make sense of the tirade.

Finally, she gives up, shakes her head, and sighs. “Okay Pinkie, show me where the problem is.”

“GET OFF! OFF, I SAY!” The Black Knight vainly tries to shake the naked warrior off his leg, but to no avail.

“I CANNOT! FOR THOU ART THE MOST DIVINE THING I HAVE SEEN IN MINE LIFE! MY HEART BURNS WITH DESIRE FOR THEE, AND I LONG FOR YOUR FIRM TOUCH ON MY QUIVERING THIGHS! I BEG OF THEE, HEED THY GODS WORD, AND SURRENDER TO THE MOST FORBIDDEN OF DESIRES!” The Naked Knight stares into the Black Knights eyes, pleading, wanting but not daring to hope.

“VERILY, THOUGH THINE WORDS ARE LIKE HONEY, I CANNOT! THE BLACK KNIGHT MUST REMAIN PURE OF BODY AND SOUL!”

“OH GO ON, PLEASE! JUST ONE TIME, I PROMISE! YOU MIGHT EVEN LIKE IT! JUST TOUCH IT! TOUCH YOURS! JUST THE TIP! LET OUR PASSIONS ENTWINE AND SNARE OUR SOULS TOGETHER! NO ONE CANST UNDERSTAND THEE BUT ME, FOR I AM THEE! DOST THOU NOT SEE?” The Black Knight’s eyes soften, as his will is slowly ebbed away by the combination of sweet words and sweeter narcotics. His eyes soften, and his efforts to push the Naked Knight away become just a little less valiant.

“I HAVE NEVER HEARD SUCH WORDS SPOKEN OF ME... TRULY, THOU KNOWS HOW TO PLEASE A MAN AND MELT HIS HEART. BUT I CANNOT! THE VERY THOUGHT IS CALUMNY AND DECEPTION! I CANNOT GIVE MYSELF TO MYSELF! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT’S HOW THE DARK AGES GOT STARTED! BESIDES, I NEED MINE EYESIGHT TO DO BATTLE WITH MINE ENEMIES!”

“BUT THE WORD OF GOD HIMSELF SANCTIONED SUCH ACTS! HOW CAN SUCH THINGS OCCUR, WHEN THE DIVINE BLESSING IS UPON THEE?” The Naked Knight’s voice became wheedling, persuasive, sensing he is on the edge of convincing himself.

“BLESSING, EH? IS THAT WHAT THEE CALLS IT? AFTER SUCH RAMBUNCTIOUS EVENTS HAVE TRANSPIRED, I AM CONVINCED GOD IS MERELY TESTING OUT A NEW FORM OF HELL!”

“THEN LET US UNDERMINE HIM, AND FIND A NEW FORM OF HEAVEN IN EACH OTHERS ARMS! C’MON, YA PANSY, WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF? I NEVER KNEW MYSELF TO BACK DOWN FROM A SWORD FIGHT!” It’s this last jibe that finally breaks the Black Knights conviction, for never before has he shirked from a challenger.

“RIGHT! I’LL DO YOU FOR THAT!”

“Oh, do you promise?” The Naked Knight bats his eyes rather disgustingly.

“I HEREBY VOW TO MY JOKE OF A GOD THAT I SHALL SMITE THEE, VERILY, WITH MINE TRUSTY SWORD OF FLESH! HAVE AT YOU!” The Black Knight charges forth, attempting to unbuckle his britches at the same time. The Naked Knight stands, eyes glinting, acorn hanging from his tree and swaying in the wind.

Before the two can meet, however, a blast of pink energy surrounds the Naked Knight, causing him to rise up into the air and expand quickly into a ball. Before anypony could say anything, the Naked Knight was gone, trailing across the sky towards the Everfree Forest as a comet of pink light. The Black Knight turned, hands still at his britches, wild eyes falling on a small purple unicorn.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! I HAD FINALLY FOUND MINE SOULMATE, A MAN AS FLUSH WITH THE DESIRE OF BATTLE AS I! AND YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME? CRUEL PURPLE PONY, EXPLAIN THYSELF!”

Twilight rolled her eyes and sighed. “I don’t have time for this. I’m going to go seal that tunnel off for good.” In a blink of pink light, she was gone, teleporting her way to the forest.

The Black Knight slumped to the ground, shoulders bowing and head down. Pinkie Pie bounced up to him again. “Silly Knighty, don’t be sad! Know what you need?”

“Mine sword in mine scabbard?”

“Nope! A nap! When the Cake’s foals get all grumpy and sad, I know it’s naptime! Come on!” With that, the pink party pony pulled the reluctant knight into Sugarcube Corner, hauling him up to the spare bedroom. She zipped quickly to the kitchen and returned, holding something out to the Knight.

“A bottle? What art thou playing at, pony?” The Knight took it from her grasp, turning it over and over and watching the white liquid slosh within. “Art thou trying to tease me? What manner of white liquid is this?”

“It’s milk! The foals LOVE milk when it’s time for their nappy nap! And it’s even nice and warm for you!” Pinkie shooed him over to the bed, somehow laying the much larger Knight down in the bed, tucking him in, and popping the bottle into his mouth all at the same time. “Nighty night, Knighty!” And with that, the Knight reluctantly rolled over, letting the wave of physical and emotional exhaustion wash through him. He was fast asleep in moments, suckling at the bottle as he dreamed.