Assumptions (can be pretty dumb)

by Quantum_Shift

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Human, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2558

some assumptions the fandom makes can be pretty darn silly... like these.

In this anthology of stories, I will explore the various assumptions of so many HiE and PoE fics, including, but certainly not limited to, Language, Size, Ecological Compatibility, Gender Ratios, What Happens If You Become A Pony, and Ease Of Citizenship Access.

I plan to make fun of many things, and will be keeping the stories fairly short, less than around 8k words each.
I will mention any characters specific to a story, because you can only have up to 5 tags active, and some characters will only show up in one story. But the Mane 6 will show up often enough for em to tag them outright.

Story#:
1. 'Little' ? My foot 'Little'...
Features Noi, but there's no tag for the adorable little thing. Prompt by The-Pieman
2. Micro-Pony Party Extravaganza
If you can't guess the star of the show here, you need to watch the show some more.

Published 2012-11-03 01:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-03 01:20:01 UTC

'Little' ? My foot 'Little'...

'Little' ? My foot 'Little'...

‘Little’? My foot ‘Little’...

Derrick cackled gleefully. He really couldn’t call it anything else, it was too high-pitched and called instantly to mind evil witches and mad scientists all at once.

The massive, spindly metal frame, little bits and pieces taken from a multitude of different sources, sagged slightly to the left as it leaned pitifully against the wall.

“It’s finished!” he cried, happily prepared for this day for the last seven months of back-breaking work (at RadioShack. It’s where most of the stuff came from) and a few hours on weekends tinkering with it.

He cackled again, the noise becoming shrill as he ran of air this time. Coughing slightly, he made a mental note to stop laughing like that.

“Now,” he cooed to the machine, “to switch you on and make sure you work! This is the most awesome thing I’ve ever made, especially since I joined the Evil Genius At Home society!”

The letter had arrived in the mail, and he’d sent in the requisite $22.50 and seven Smart-O’s cereal-box tops. Then, he’d gotten a letter back, saying he’d become a part of the society, and to have a free schematic for an interdimensional portal.

It was a good waste of weekends.

Derrick stopped his contemplations of what to do next as his thoughts were interrupted by a call from the floor above.

“Derrick Jones! It’s dinner time! You’d better not be noodling around with that damned machine, young man!”

Derrick sighed and huffed. “Alright, mom, I’m coming. And I was just, uh, playing with my figurines!”

His mother called out again, “Then stop playing with your dolls and get washed up! It’s time to eat already!”

Derrick began walking up the stairs of his mother’s basement, flicking off the light switch at the top of the stairs, and went to sit down for some spaghetti.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Derrick woke up early the next morning, a Saturday, to test out his new toy. Eating his bowl of Smart-O’s (Now with 20% less sugar! That’s 2 calories per box, kids!) in record time (43.07 seconds) he rushed down the stairs into the basement, barely remembering to flick the light switch on the way.

Tapping buttons and flipping switches and levers, he successfully got a humming to start from the flimsy ring of parts. He’d taken to leaving it leaning against the wall with his posters on it, as the basement was his playroom, although he preferred to call it his lair.

A shimmery, if sickly, glowing sheen formed in the air inside the portal-maker’s ring of bits. It crackled weakly, and the humming intensified.

Derrick grinned widely, and he began rubbing his hands together maniacally, and almost cackled, but remembered not to this time.

“Now,” He said, “To see where it goes! Oh, wait, the camera-on-a-stick got broken last week... Uh, I guess I’m moving to human experimentation?”

He glanced back at the little desk behind him, crowded with the vinyl figures of bright, pastel-colored ponies. He bit his lip, and gave the Twilight toy a quick pat on the head, and whispered, “I’ll be back soon, I promise!”

Derrick quickly threw together a sack lunch, taking an apple, a small carton of milk (his mom worked at a school and got them for free) a PB&J sandwich, and piece of fruit leather. Then, he tromped down the stairs again.

Derrick Jones stepped into the portal, not sure of what to expect on the other side, bringing nothing but his clothes and a sack lunch.

With a falling sensation, he landed on a hill, which the portal stood perpendicular to. Meaning it appeared at a 60 degree angle, and as such left him pitching forward, rolling down the incline, which was covered in waist-high grass.

Derrick rolled to a stop, the grass slowing him significantly, back to the ground and eyes on the sky. Where he saw a gliding blue form against the clouds. His heart caught in his throat, hammering suddenly. He knew that silhouette! Especially since it was blue! The rainbow training behind also gave it away.

He sat up, shoulders barely above the grass. He looked around, hoping to see where the pegasus (his inner voice squealed out “Rainbow Dash! This is so awesome!”) was going. Looking around, he realized that he couldn’t see ponyville, or indeed were the blue pony had gone, as he was sitting at the wrong side of the base of an immense hill. He stood up, face determined, and gathered his lunch. Then, he began walking.

Less than five minutes later, he was panting and gasping for breath, his out-of-shape body barely able to gather enough strength to pull him any higher up the immense incline. He stopped to take a break, two-thirds of the way up, and drank his milk.

feeling refreshed, he trudged up the hill and looked out...

He ought to be able to see everything from here, he had thought, because this hill was Massive! Immense! Huge! wasn’t even half as tall as it standing up, and he was pretty normal, at 5’8”. Instead, he say what had to be the longest road in history leading into Ponyville, other hills nearby crowding out his vision to the surrounding world.

It had to be a long road, because it wrapped gently around the base of the hill, and the hill was big. But the houses of Ponyville appeared to be normal sized from here, so maybe it was just an optical illusion.

Looking around, he saw a light orange filly, probably around the age of the Crusaders, trotting towards Ponyville with a grin on her face.

Derrick thought this was the perfect chance. After all, young children are always nice, wonderful little things (Except Bob. He was never nice, and still wasn’t) and Derrick always got along well with them.

Jogging towards the little filly, he smiled, and almost began whistling, until he remembered that he can’t whistle.

So, instead, he just kept jogging. After nearly three minutes, he realized he had gotten off the hill, and the road had seemed right next to the hill, but it looked to be several yards away still. Derrick was supremely confused. Was it all just a bunch of optical illusions? He continued jogging, doing much better now that he wasn’t running up a hill. Finally, he got to the road, which appeared to be packed dirt. Stepping out of the tall grass, looked around, trying to find the filly.

She had already wandered off. Derrick was sad about this, he had wanted to try to get a hug.

Rising softly, a series of tremors sent shudders up his legs. He turned as the tremors got more noticeable, and he could hear loud thuds getting closer, like the footfalls of some giant beast. He turned, in time to see a huge shadow glide over him, massive orange pillars, coated in long, sweeping lengths of some type of vine or frond, also in orange, flew past him, landing with a resounding crash behind him.

Looking up in terror, wondering what type of monstrous beast or horrifying abomination it could be, he saw...

The underside of a pony. Only, the belly of the pony was easily twenty or thirty feet or so above the ground, making the pony somewhere in the range of forty feet in height.

Derrick was really good at math.

If 5’8” in human terms was about a... do the math, carry the one, shift it over a little aaand... about a seventh of the height of a 3’6” pony (Hearth’s Warming Eve episode. Colgate is standing next to a candy cane declared to be 8 feet tall, and Colgate is about 3.5 stripes tall, with 8 stripes going up the candy cane, making each stripe approximately 1 foot tall)...

Then he was six inches tall in Equestria.

Looking back towards the hill, he realized that he had no idea where the portal was. He was trapped, the size of a mouse, in a land of super-ponies.

“Well, looks like I’m going to Fluttershy’s, then. I was kinda hoping to live with Twilight, but oh well...”

And with that, he started walking down the dirt road towards Fluttershy’s house.

Next Story:

“Micro-Pony Party Extravaganza!”

Micro-Pony Party Extravaganza Part 1

Micro-Pony Party Extravaganza Part 1

Micro-Pony Party Extravaganza!
Part 1: Gulliver, you can kiss my...

Chase Smith lived alone. Mostly. He had a whole bunch of MLP merchandise, and a bunch of LEGO sets, an entire city of which took up his entire spare bedroom, and that was the closest thing he had to friends. And the people at the correspondence office at the Evil Genius At Home Society, who had sent him the schematics for what they called a ‘Trans-Universal Exploration Ring©’

He’d spent some time working on it, carefully building the entire thing to the exacting specification in the instructions, just like with his LEGO sets. He even built the optional pre-viewing screen, the one in the back of the booklet after the instructions glossary.

Carefully tuning the screen, Chase carefully honed in on the receiving world. For a moment, he thought it had malfunctioned, simply showing a world he was quite familiar with: Equestria. Looking closer though, he realized that this wasn’t from any episode he’d seen... and he’d watched every episode faithfully, even tried to model himself after his favorite pony, Applejack. He even owned two apple tree that he harvested from personally every year and sold from, and kept himself in remarkably good shape for a computer nerd.

Steering the viewpoint closer to the town, he wished he’d found some way to add an audio component to the viewer. Rather suddenly, an iconic pink face burst into view, startling Chase rather badly.

Pinkie was pointing and giggling, and Chase had to admit, it probably did look really funny. He worked his way back up to the viewer, and saw that Pinkie was drawing weird looks from the other ponies, but they quickly stopped paying attention. She waved at him, and took out a sign that said ‘I’ll have a party ready, Chase!’

Grinning broadly, as Pinkie was his second favorite pony, he quickly began hitting the switches and tapping the buttons that would activate his gleaming metal archway. A pale, blue-green light shimmered into view inside the ring of metal components, LEDs lighting up in sequence to announce the safety of using it to travel.

Chase looked to his toys, saluted his army of LEGO figures, and turned back to the gateway. Pinkie’s there, waiting with a party, just for me. I can’t let her down!

With that thought he stepped through gingerly, hearing a small crunch as his foot came down in the new world. He finished passing through, the portal frame flashing brightly into view for a moment in the skies of Equestria...

And suddenly, Chris felt... odd. Not bad, certainly, but odd, nonetheless. He looked around, trying to get a firm fix on where he was. All he could see was a short patch of dark-colored bushes to one side, and a bunch of wisps of cottony mist near his face.

Preparing to move, he heard, tiny and desperate, “The horror! The horror! It’s going to crush us all!”

Looking around in fear, he finally thought to look in a very particular direction... down.

Below him, he saw a miniscule, smashed cottage, no more than nine or ten inches tall, next to which was a trio of inch-high, brightly colored ponies.

Realization hit him like a brick to the head, and so did the pegasus attacking his ear. About this time, a wash of rainbow-colored light whizzed past him in an expanding ring, a massive dent formed where it had been stopped by his head.

Turning carefully, he saw a tiny, blue pegasus attempting to karate-chop his chin from his shoulder. It was almost unbearably cute, and Chase needed somewhere to sit - and fast. taking care not to smash any more of ponyville, he carefully sat on a hill raising out of the Everfree forest, and made a grab for Rainbow Dash. Now that he was paying attention, he could hear the lit5tle grunts and growls she was making as she swiped at the massive biped.

Dodging his fingers, Dash began circling his head. Trying to get her to stop didn’t seem to help any, and so he stood up again, this time circling around the town. This time, he wasn’t listening well enough to hear the ponies below him, one of which was yelling about a letter, another which had decided his legs looked enough like apple trees to earn a buckin’, and another that was squealing delightedly at the sheer amount of fabric this thing was lugging around.

He began climbing the mountain that the dragon in ‘Dragon Shy’ had been sleeping in, and swatted repeatedly at Rainbow Dash, who was now making many disparaging remarks about his parents and facial features.

At the top, he shouted out his frustration, as another group of pegusi began attacking him. Finally managing to grab one, he held the little, terrified thing close to his chest as a hostage. Well, this escalated quickly. How did it get to me having to take freaking hostages to get them to back off?!

Unfortunately, these thoughts were enough to invoke Murphy and his wrathful curse, and make Rainbow Dash fly forward and smack him dead in the center of the forehead, knocking him off the tall mountain.

Instinctively curling around the toy-sized pegasus in his grasp, he finally got a good look at who he’d snatched.

It was Ditzy “Derpy Hooves” Doo, and she looked scared. Then, he hit the ground, and the last thought that went through his head was, well, damn, she’s got her mailbag on. She probably wasn’t even one of the ones pestering me...

Then, he was unconscious. Not a lot of thought going on there any more.

To Be Continued!
DUN DUN DUNNNN!

Foreword

So, this is something of a foreword, as I really want to make sure I’m clear about these upcoming stories.

They will be silly. Often, overly so, and I sincerely want constructive criticism, not just a bunch of “It’s great!” or “Wow, that sucks!” being posted.

Also, this is an anthology, meaning that it will contain many stories, and will update as I come up with more to add to it.
Feel free to send me prompts for current world-affecting assumptions made by the fans that could easily be totally wrong, simply from our lack of actually seeing most of the world.

If it goes directly against canon, such as trying one in which the ponies are all carnivorous, it won’t happen. But if it only bends canon, such as, say, 40-foot tall ponies and a world made for them, well, that’s another story (our first, in fact) entirely.

Also, some of these will have theme music to play, and I already have a fic scheduled to use the Benny Hill theme, so no suggesting it! Otherwise, if you have a theme song that you find works well with a given chapter or story, feel free to suggest it, I love finding new music!

Anyways, happy reading, and I hope you enjoy these fics!

Upcoming Story:

‘Little’ ? My foot ‘Little’...