Tune your ear to the frequency of Despair, and cross-reference by the longitude and latitude of a Mind in Agitation...
Applejack's hooves kicked up dust as she trotted over the sun-baked fields of Sweet Apple Acres. Beads of sweat started to slide down the sides of her face, and without losing step she wiped them away.
“Hoo-nelly, startin' to feel the heat.”
Hay had been moved and the barn door was repaired before the first perspiration appeared, when normally it would come during field work. A surefire indicator that the day was going to be a scorcher, but with all that had been happening lately, the fields did wonders in clearing Applejack's head.
“Better mosey this up before it gets too hot, heheh.”
Applejack trotted ever onward to the start of the other end of the field when something caught her eye, bringing her to a stop. Far off to her right a small light orange filly was rolling about by the edge of the apple orchard. Applejack crooked her head at the sight of the filly, and forgetting her work schedule she turned and trotted over to the orchard and its little guest.
“What's this here?”
In little time Applejack reached the edge of the orchard and was standing before the filly. Now up-close, Applejack could see that it was a very peculiar-looking pegasus, with light yellow hair with small streaks of other colors at the edges. The filly stopped rolling about and sat up to look at Applejack, the farm mare seeing something remarkably familiar in the little pony's freckled face.
“Um, howdy there, little one,” Applejack greeted, tipping her hat in courtesy. “What are ya doin' rolling around out here by yerself?”
The filly simply tilted her head before making an adorable grin. “I figured you could use a break,” she said in an awfully familiar twang.
Before Applejack could say anything, the filly got back on her hooves and trotted away into the orchard. Confused yet curious about the youngster, Applejack just trotted along after her.
“So, where are your parents, sugarcube?” Applejack asked.
“Busy somewhere,” was the prompt reply, but then the filly came to an abrupt halt and stood motionless. Applejack did the same, only now with apprehension.
“Umm, little one?”
“You know something?” The filly turned to look up at Applejack with a scrunched-up, stern look. “You're a very thick mare.”
“Huh?”
“All you care about is working all day long, focused on proving yourself to no one in particular, except just for you.” The filly wagged a forehoof in a scolding manner as she talked. “A stubborn, head-strong fool is what you are, despite whatever you say about being sensible. You're even irritatingly stubborn when it comes to looking after your own kin. The way you look after them, it's practically selfish. Never taking into consideration the feelings of others. It's a wonder how it all came to be, now that I think about it. You were just too much alike.”
“Wait, what?”
The filly quit her lecture, and with a giggle, turned about and ran off deeper into the orchard.
“Hey, hold on!” Applejack cried as she galloped after her. Despite the filly's stubby little legs, she had disappeared from Applejack's sight after only a few yards running amongst the apple trees, muttering, “What in tarnation?”
She kept running in search of the filly. A minute went by and the filly was nowhere in sight, but then an odd sound reached Applejack's ear. She ran in the direction of the sound, and eventually came upon a pony sitting beneath an apple tree with a crate of apples betwixt their legs.
The pony, to Applejack's surprise, looked an awful lot like her, including her hat and cutie mark. Yet, to her horror, they looked morphed in appearance, in the way that their mouth was opened wide and unnatural as it stuffed apples into it. Though unnerved, Applejack approached the lookalike.
“Howdy there,” she said, but was ignored by the other pony's gluttonous undertaking. “Say, maybe you should hold back on them apples. Ya don't wanna get sick-”
As she reached over to the pony with a gentle hoof, it was slapped back roughly.
“Buck off, I'm gonna eat all these apples!”
Not only did the comment come off as harsh and desperate, it also sounded like a very bad impression of a Southern farm girl... as done by a male.
“Uh, o-okay,” Applejack said, looking around some. “You didn't see a little filly run by here? Pegasus, blonde mane with some colors in it?”
“Nope, don't care fer kids,” the Other-jack said between apples. “Just need my fixin's.”
“So, uh, what are you doin' here? Eatin', what I'm assumin' to be, my apples?”
“Hey, you know why we grow this stuff?” the burly-voiced mare said, pointing an apple accusingly at her. “It's an escape that's what it is. No guy's gonna want somepony as average-looking as us, and outside the farm we're completely useless. We lack the means to function like normal people, uh, ponies. These apples are the sole basis for waking up and giving a damn about life, and gorging on them is the only way to forget just how pathetic our bumpkiny lives are. Certainly less a pain in the ass then to go clam-digging.”
“I beg yer pardon?” Applejack had never heard something so insulting and self-deprecating, not to mention odd, especially that last term. Just then, a hover carriage pulled up to the two, and a side door window rolled down to allow a platinum-maned head poke out.
“I have to disagree with you on that,” the mare said in a very crisp, posh accent, then turning to the original Applejack, “Step inside, dear. There is much to discuss.”
The carriage door opened and a step ramp unfolded. Preferring the strange vehicle over further company with the Other-jack, Applejack trotted up the steps and into the carriage. As the door closed, the farm mare found the interior much more spacious than the outside would have indicated, with long plush seats, buckets filled with ice and apple sodas, and even a swanky chandelier. Applejack took a seat across from the older mare, who was dressed in stylish black like a financier.
“Nice carriage ya got here,” Applejack said as the carriage's air-conditioning kicked in. “Mind me askin' who ya are and what yer doin' on my property, and fer that matter if you know who that other pony was?”
“Oh, you should know it's not easy being as wealthy as I am,” said the refined mare, utterly ignoring Applejack's questions. “It was rough at first, having moved to the city at a very young age. But using my country 'gumption' and wits, I had made a name for myself in just a few years. I shook down investors and gained stocks like you wouldn't believe. I made my first million bits at nineteen. These days I spend most of my days in a lavish, twenty-thousand square foot manor overlooking Horseshoe Bay, filled with the finest in jewelry, art, and twenty stallions on-hoof to fulfill whatever needs or wants I may have. But it is an empty life.”
The mare paused to swirl a chilled glass of apple juice, then said, “I had eyes only for one brash, darling mare. The only one who could match my tenacity, but she had her own dreams, her own fixations, and took off before I could truly get to know her. For all my millions and stocks and fleet of airships, I'd give it all away for a chance to be with that mare, to experience... love, true and pure.”
“Okay, I've had about enough of this!” Applejack stomped a hoof on the velvet carpeting. “You didn't answer my question: who are you? For that matter, I think you're in cahoots with that other me and that one filly. Everything's just been so gosh darn weird today and I want some answers, dagnabbit! What's goin' on here?”
“I believe this would be a good time to catch you up to speed.”
Suddenly, the inside of the carriage collapsed inward into darkness, seemingly being swallowed up by darkness. Soon Applejack found herself standing in a vast emptiness alone; the well-to-do mare had gone with the rest of the carriage, and the air was still enough to be nonexistent.
“What now?”
“What you have just seen were three out of thousands of different iterations of your very life, nay, existence. Promises of joy, of wealth, of satisfaction. These are the myriads of lives you would walk, but will never experience. They are the very realm of possibility made manifest for others but yourself to behold.”
Applejack rubbed her head. “And what was the point of showing them to me?”
“I thought it'd make a neato transition into what I'm about to do next.”
From the void arose up a red-cloaked figure, seemingly oozing into crimson creation. The being towered high over Applejack, its face covered in the shadow of a menacing cowl.
“I come here because someone dear to you is hanging by a thread. You sought escape from the pain through work, for it is the only thing you know. But no matter how hard you try, you cannot escape from the terrible truth. Of the fate that awaits you dear, sweet, beloved grandmother.”
“You mean Granny Smith?” Applejack raised an eyebrow. “She only pulled her hip the other day grabbin' some pie from the sill.”
“Yes, but it is no less of a grave threat to her very life.”
“Um, not really. It's happened before.”
“This time, however, it is truly dire! The last straw, her final hours, they approach and close in on her!”
“She was playing horseshoes with Apple Bloom just this mornin'-”
“Her decrepit age will finally take its toll ON THIS DAY!”
A great wail accompanied by screeching bats flew throughout the space, pushing Applejack back and nearly knocking off her hat.
“If you wish to save your dear grandmother's life, I must have from you the one thing that makes your life worth living. That which is sweeter than any melody, more delicious than any apple tart, and above all, saucier than any tabasco factory. I speak, of course, of your love for RAINBOW DASH.”
“W-WHAT!?” Applejack's jaw practically hit the none-floor. “My love fer... What kind of hooey is this?”
“It is a love that surpasses the glory of the gods themselves, and causes angels to sing out in immaculate chorus upon mentioning. Such happiness tears at my dark heart, tormenting me in all its splendor, and I want to have it torn out. By taking the love you have for that one special somepony, I will save your grandmother's life. Wouldn't you say that's fair, Rainbow Dash?”
A section of the phantom's cloak receded, revealing Rainbow Dash behind it, much to Applejack's surprise and shock.
“AJ, what's happening? Where am I? What is this place?” Rainbow Dash stumbled over to her friend, as the phantom continued his spiel.
“Your feelings for this pegasus are strong enough to withstand the tests of time, and it is such romance that you must surrender to ensure your grandmother lives to see another day.”
Rainbow Dash did a double take. “You have feelings for me, AJ? Uh, listen, I like you a lot as a friend, but I'm just not like that.”
“Neither am I, RD!”
“Nooooo, don't listen to him, Applejack!” From above a ghostly form descended over the phantom, of withered green fur and crotchety disposition.
“Granny Smith!?” Applejack cried.
“Don't worry bout me, my precious granddaughter,” Granny Smith rattled. “Don't go sacrificin' yer love fer a fossil like me. Be with yer special somepony with my blessin'!”
“Granny Smith, I don't think of Rainbow that way!” Applejack yelled, appalled. “What gave you that idea?”
“Big Sis, you actually like Rainbow Dash?”
“Oh no...” To Applejack's dismay, another ghostly form, of red and yellow, hopped on over.
“Does this mean Rainbow is gonna be a Big Sis too? Scootaloo's gonna be so jealous!” the incorporeal form of Apple Boom said with a hop.
“No Apple Bloom, me and Rainbow ain't gettin' together, and you ain't gettin' another big sister!”
“Actually, it'd probably be cool for her to have me for a-”
“Don't even start, RD! IT'S NOTHIN' LIKE THAT, AT ALL!”
“You can free yourself from the torment of your grandmother's suffering by freeing yourself of the love you hold for sweet Rainbow Dash.”
“I don't love her!”
“Don't be ridiculous; yer like two seeds in an apple core,” Granny spoke up. “He's tryin' to pull the wool over yer eyes!”
“No he's not, Granny. I'm telling you all I don't love her!”
“You sure about that?” Rainbow asked.
“Another big sister, YAAAY!”
“Yer parents won't think any less of you, dearie. Just let me pass on!”
“I've never been in a committed relationship before...”
“Make your decision now. Delay your loved ones no longer!”
Applejack ducked and withdrew into herself as her friend and family kept urging her well into an incessant drone, until finally, unable to put up with the pressure, she stood up and cried out with all her rage and passion:
“NYRAAARGH! Do it.”
The phantom chuckled deeply. “Very well. Just sign the form.”
With a wave of the cloak, a table materialized, covered with an ink pot, feather quill, and a sheet of paper filled with tiny, barely legible print, with the exception of the phrase: “I AGREE TO THE TERMS STIPULATED IN THIS CONTRACT.” Without pause Applejack trotted over to the table, took up the quill in her mouth, and signed on the dotted line, never once bothering to read anything on the documents. After she stepped back from the table, the phantom lifted up the signed form.
“Then it's settled: the union of you and Rainbow Dash shall never come to pass. For saving your caretaker, you shall live a life bereft of true love. Such outcomes make for such sweet sorrow. Enjoy lonely hetero, sweetie. Bwuhhahahahahaha!”
An audible snap, and in a blast of color Applejack plopped down back onto the untended fields of Sweet Apple Acres. All was quiet save for the midday breeze and some passing birds, and nopony else was in sight. Applejack rubbed the back of her neck as she looked around, feeling the coolness of her skin despite the absence of sweat.
“What... the hay?”
For the longest time she sat there, utterly stumped and at a loss for what she had just experienced. Possible heatstroke? Whatever the reason, she ultimately felt that it had all been completely pointless.
End...?
Author's Note
In case you haven't figured it out, this is a "One More Day" spoof to show just how awful a story it truly is, no matter who's involved. If you don't know what that is, count yourself lucky.
