Celestia vs. Bubble Gum

by Bok

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6
Length: 2433

Candy plus royalty equals disaster.

Princess Celestia has faced down gods, and worse, but now she must battle something truly evil. And sticky.

Published 2012-11-03 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-03 21:50:01 UTC

Celestia vs. Bubble Gum

There was no denying that the supreme co-ruler of Equestria possessed a massive sweet tooth, one only surpassed by a hyperactive earth pony. Cakes, confections, and candy: she'd devour them all, but always made sure that no subject was watching when she did so. She was a princess and expected to act like one, after all.

Celestia sighed as the golden rays of evening pierced the sky and signaled the end of the sun's reign. She was always relieved to hand over the celestial reins to Luna after a hard day's ruling, but something had been nagging her all day. It wasn't petty noble arguments, or threats of a changeling invasion, or even news of the lindworm that had destroyed half of Ponyville. No, this irritation was a little more...basic.

Celestia had a craving for candy. Normally she would just eat one of the very expensive treats on the silver platter that rested near her bed, but this craving demanded something that wasn't hard and imported from a far away land. She considered a pie, but stuck her tongue out at the very idea. Candy canes? No, Hearth's Warming Eve wasn't for another six months. She grunted in frustration, and decided some fresh air was in order.

The princess walked out onto her balcony and peered down into the bustling city below, still full of busy ponies going about their business. As she glanced over her dominion, something caught her eye. She carefully nudged over to the telescope on the opposite side of the balcony and set it into place, getting a closer look. It was a small blue unicorn colt wearing a propeller beanie, and he appeared to be chewing something. A second later a giant pink bubble inflated in front of his face and popped, causing the gum to explode on his face.

Gum. That's what Celestia was craving. Nothing more wholesome and Equestrian than bubble gum, and she hadn't had any in centuries.

As Celestia made a plan to simply buy some bubble gum, she paused. No matter how she did it, it would still be the princess of all of Equestria eating something normally reserved for sticking under school tables. This normally wouldn't bother her, but Luna still cared a great deal about appearances. If she heard about her sister eating peasant candy, Celestia would never hear the end of it.

She thought about it for a second, and then rang the small bell in her room to signal her butler.

Car Hop appeared out of nowhere, wearing the same droll expression he usually did.

“Yes, your majesty?” he inquired.

“Car Hop, I need something...unique.”

“Unique how, your highness?,” he replied dryly. Other ponies might have mistaken his tone for sarcasm. It probably was.

“I need some bubble gum. Normal, everyday bubble gum. And please acquire it quietly.”

Car Hop bowed, “It will be handled with the utmost secrecy, princess.”

Fifty guards poured through the streets of Canterlot in tight formation, stopping at every candy store to clean out the establishment's supplies of gum and toss it into the growing pile that sat in the ornate cart at the back of the regiment.

Just as they were about to head back to the castle, the commander of the formation spotted a unicorn filly in a beanie hat about to unwrap a small pack of generic-brand gum.

“STOP!” he shouted, causing the child to hold his jaw and place and glance at the commander.

He quickly ran up to the child and snatched the gum out of his hooves, and in its place deposited a large sack of coins.

“Official royal business,” he said with a salute before leading the formation back to the castle.

The unicorn child peered into the sack, wondering if that mechanized propellor beanie he saw in the toy store window was still on sale.

“The gum you requested, your majesty,” Car Hop drolled as the cart containing hundreds of pounds of gum was wheeled into her room by the guards. Just as they were about to leave, the commander turned around and threw one last pack on the very top of the mound before closing the doors to her chambers.

“What would I do without you, Car Hop?” Celestia said as she took the piece at the very top and began to unwrap it.

“Go insane.” Car Hop stated.

Celestia didn't mind his quip and motioned for him to leave. By the time she had finished freeing the gum from its paper prison, she was all alone in her room and the sun was beginning to set on the horizon. It was almost time for Luna to raise the moon, which meant it was her bedtime. She plopped the stick of gum into her mouth and began to chew before crawling into bed and drifting off to sleep.

It was still dark when one of her guards opened the heavy door to Celestia's bedroom, as the Princess still had to rise early to begin the day. As he neared her bed, he couldn't help notice something was off. As he walked closer to her bed, the princess rolled over in her sleep and faced the guard, causing him to gasp.

Celestia stirred, and the first thing she saw was her guard looking at her in horror.

“What?” she asked sleepily.

The guard said nothing and still held his mouth agape, but pointed toward her. The other guard to her door walked in as well and also gasped.

Now Celestia was worried, “What? What is it?” she demanded, trying to rise from her bed.

She commanded her legs and body to move but they refused. Some otherwordly force was holding her in place, the same force that was likely the cause of the guard's shock.

“I can't move!” she declared, and the guards began to panic.

“Uh, I'll go get help!” the junior guard said before running off, leaving the senior by himself.

“Why can't I move!?” she demanded. The guard gulped and walked over to her desk and pulled a mirror out of one of the drawers. He slowly walked over and held the mirror in front of the princess, looking away from her at the same time.

Celestia looked into the mirror, and a scream echoed throughout all Canterlot.

The entire court plus Luna had filled into Celestia's chambers to pool their knowledge on how to solve this crisis.

Celestia's entire bed had become a trap of pink stickiness, pinning her to the bed. It was in her hair, mane, and somehow had even managed to anchor itself to the floor. Queen Chrysalis herself couldn't have devised a better prison.

The court debated amongst themselves on how to free the princess. Celestia couldn't reply to any of their suggestions, as she had struggled even more and the gum had wrapped itself around her mouth. They eventually decided to free her the old-fashioned way, and sent out a summons into the city.

Moments later Hoity Toity ran into the room, carrying the sharpest scissors Celestia had ever seen.

“I came as soon as a heard!” he said with his annoying nasally voice, “Don't worry! These scissors can cut through anything.”

The fashion designer immediately launched the scissors at Celestia's hair. As he attempted to make the first cut, a sharp metal sound screeched throughout the chambers and the crowd gasped as the scissors cracked and broke, far too feeble to harm even a thread of Celstia's mane.

Hoity Toity looked over his sunglasses in shock, “I—but–how–” he muttered before shuffling off, taking his prized broken implement with him.

Word was then sent for Pinkie Pie, whose nearly boundless craving for candy was sure to free the Princess. The pink earth pony showed up even faster than Hoity Toity, full of pep and excitement.

“Hi, princess! I heard you're stuck!”

Celestia rolled her eyes.

“I'll have you out in a jiffy!” she said before diving at the gum. She began to chew it with the vigor of a starved lion and for a moment it seemed as though Pinkie would free the princess. This was not to be, however, and soon the pink pony's movements slowed and she also became trapped in the web of gum. Pinkie looked bewildered.

“Guess I'm Sticky Pinkie Pie now!” she said and guffawed at her own joke. Several other of the ponies in the room chuckled as well before Celestia's annoyed death stare silenced them.

“Enough!” Luna bellowed in the Royal Canterlot Voice and pointed her horn directly at the gum.

“This foolishness ends NOW!” she roared and let a powerful bolt loose at sticky substance. The bolt bounced harmlessly off the gum and right back at Luna, who was sent flying back against the wall. The force of the impact sent her bouncing to the opposite end of the room, and right into the gum's snare.

Luna blinked once before her brain caught up with the sequence of events that just occurred, and then screamed.

Several more attempts were made to free the princess which also led to Iron Will, the Film Flam Brothers, Trixie, and the rest of the Mane Six becoming glued to the gum.

“Well, that didn't work.” stated Twilight as the glow from the Crown of Harmony on her head faded. It had been hard enough getting the Element of Laughter latched onto Pinkie Pie without getting caught, but this was ridiculous. If anything, the gum had actually spread and almost seemed to be moving.

“Interesting,” Flim said quietly as he examined the gum stuck to his face.

“Whamf?” asked Celestia.

“Gefv usv vum fim vimstmce!” shouted Luna, her voice now just as muffled as her sister's.

“What my brother is trying to say is that the gum seems to be, well, alive.” Flam affirmed.

“Now why should we believe a darn thing you two say?” Applejack countered as she tried to buck her way to freedom.

Flim ignored her, looking at the gum with closer scrutiny.

“Yes, it's rather obvious now,” he said, “this gum appears to have merged with her majesty's hair sometime during the night. The celestial aura in her mane must have combined with the gum–

“–And the more mass we add, the smarter and stronger it gets!” Flam added, “I dare say it's probably on the cusp of sentience now.”

“What the Tartarus is senchunse!?” Iron Will shouted and he continued punching the closest mass of gum to him.

“It means it's thinking!” Twilight Sparkle shrilled in reply. No sooner had the words left her mouth then the mass began to squirm.

“Oh my goodness!” Fluttershy cried as all the gum vibrated and started to suck all of its victims in further.

All of them howled in fear with the exception of Pinkie, who was having the time of her life. The gum began to spread at an alarming rate, engulfing all of the ponies in the room in seconds and spreading throughout the castle in a tidal wave of goo. It overtook the entire castle in a minute and cascaded into the gardens and streets below.

As the gum rolled over a garden party that was being held, it soon filled up the entire ground and swelled upwards, slowly sucking the band podium down into the sticky muck.

Octavia paused her instrumentation and turned to the rest of the band.

“Gentlecolts, it's been an privilege playing with you for these many years.” she said, and the performers began playing one last somber song.

Elsewhere, the ponies in Celestia's chambers had been almost totally engulfed by the gum. Only the Mane Six remained uncovered, and were quite busy losing it. Rainbow Dash fought the hardest, but to no avail. She had almost given up hope until she looked down at her necklace, and an idea came to her.

“Twilight!” she yelled, “All you guys! Use the Elements!”

“That didn' work the first time!” Applejack snapped in response, “What in the hay makes you think it'll work again?”

“I'm going to use them to do a Super Sonic Rainboom!”

“Are you crazy!?” Twilight squawked, “The last pony that did that left a giant crater in the moon! You don't even have any momentum!”

“I don't think we have a lot of options!” Rainbow Dash replied, now only her head poking above the gum.

Twilight ceased struggling and sighed, “Fine.”

The elements began to glow once more, and Twilight's eyes became filled with their nearly infinite power. Energy surged through her friends, and Rainbow Dash began to flap her wings harder than she ever had in her life.

“C'mon...” she muttered. The extra power gave her the boost she needed to loosten her wings, and she began to beat against the free air.

“Cmon!” she grunted, and the gum now only possessed half her body. She thought she would pass out, but fought even harder.

“LET!”

The rainbow that usually shot out from the combined Elements filled the room, passing over Rainbow Dash.

“ME!”

Dash's eyes filled with the same whiteness as Twilight's, and the rainbow of the Elements seemed to wrap itself around her.

“OUT!”

A deafening roar filled the castle, and a light a thousand times brighter than the sun exploded from Celestia's bedroom. A gigantic rainbow erupted form the top of the royal towers, and obliterated all the gum it passed. In a moment it was over, and the entire city of Canterlot was coated in a rainbow-tinged soot.

Luna was the first to wake up. She looked around the room to see that all of the captives of the gum had been dropped to the floor, all of them dazed but fine. Rainbow Dash had drilled herself into the ultra-thick stone walls of the bedroom, and only her back half was visible. Her concerns immediately turned to her sister and she whipped over to check her welfare. When she did, Luna's lips began to quiver and tears welled up in her eyes. Celestia was roused by the sounds of snickering, and saw Luna doubled over, clutching her sides as she laughed.

“What's so funny?” Celestia demanded, and Luna didn't even look at her sister as she grabbed a nearby mirror and put it in front of her sibling's face. Celestia took one look and fell down on the floor in laughter as well.

The sound of the two princesses laughing soon woke the other ponies as well. They found Princess Luna laughing and pointing at her sister. Celestia's flowing mane had been largely disintegrated, leaving only a small mohawk.