Dear Princess Celestia, It Gets Better
Dear Princess Celestia...
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today, I learned a very important lesson. Probably one of the most important ones I've ever learned, or ever will. Princess, today I've learned that it gets better.
Perhaps I should elaborate a little bit...
I like mares, Princess.
I've always known, ever since I was a little filly. But, for years and years, I've kept it to myself. I was so terrified of what other ponies would say or think about me. When I lived in Canterlot, other ponies didn't take too kindly to filly-foolers or colt-cuddlers. They'd say rude things about them. Even my own family didn't really approve of them.
I was scared, Princess.
So, so scared. It's one of the reasons why I was so distant with other ponies. I didn't want friends; what if they found out my horrible secret? They would hate me, wouldn't they? When you assigned me to study the magic of friendship, I was terrified. I didn't want things to end up like they did last time. ...Let me tell you about Moondancer.
Moondancer was my first 'friend'.
As fillies, we were inseparable. We did everything together. She didn't think my love for learning was weird, like other ponies did. Even as we grew up, we stayed as close as ever.
She was beautiful, Princess.
So, so beautiful. An as we got older, I noticed that more and more. When she smiled at me, it was a challenge to not blush. When she laughed, I would feel simply overjoyed. All of my thoughts somehow led back to her.
I... loved her, Princess.
But she wasn't in love with me. She liked a stallion. They're together now, I think. But you don't need to hear about that. I, however, was in love with her. Nothing in my entire life had ever been so clear to me. I wanted her to know so badly, but I just couldn't work up the courage to tell her my feelings. So, I did the next best thing.
I kissed her.
It only lasted a few seconds, until she had realized what was going on. She screamed and slammed her hoof into the side of my face. She called me nasty, nasty things and told me that she hated me. After that, she never really talked to me anymore. We went without speaking for months and months.
When I received an invitation to her birthday party in the mail, I was thoroughly surprised. I knew that Spike was still friends with her, so I guess she thought of us like a packaged deal. I didn't go, and refused to let him go.
But after that incident, I made a vow to myself. A vow to never let anypony get close enough to me like that again. I'll refuse to recklessly fall in love. I'll refuse to have friends. I'll spend my days alone, as a monster such as myself should do.
I was hurt, Princess.
So, so hurt. It still hurts sometimes, even now. But, for the most part, I've learned to block the memory out of my head.
...Let's move on, shall we? Writing this first part has brought back things better left forgotten. Besides, this letter is to tell you about how I learned that things got better. Dwelling on past events is definitely not helpful in any way.
Today, Princess, I decided to tell my friends.
I decided to tell Pinkie Pie first. Not only did I think that she would take it the best, but she'd probably find out on her own if I told somepony else first. It took hours of practicing in the mirror and pacing around the library, but I finally managed to do it. I don't think I'll ever forget the shakiness in my voice when I eventually managed to spurt it out.
All Pinkie did was cock that pretty pink head of hers to the side. A simple “so?” was all she said.
I... was shocked, Princess.
“You're one of my bestest friends, Twilight! What kind of ponies you like could never change that, you silly filly!” After hearing those words, I completely broke down. Not out of grief, but pure happiness. For the first time in my life, I was accepted for who I am. I don't think I've ever experienced a better feeling.
Next came Fluttershy. I expected her to be afraid of me, like she is of so many things. Instead, she responded with a soft, gentle smile. “Oh, Twilight. I'm so happy you were able to tell me.”
And with the rest of my friends, it was smooth sailing. Applejack told me she wasn't too keen on filly-foolers, but the fact that I am one wouldn't change her opinion about me or our friendship.
Rainbow Dash told me that whether I liked mares or stallions, I'd still be her favorite egghead. She also had a confession of her own, and came out to me as a bisexual. Never had I expected any of my close friends to be anything but straight. Scratch that; never had I expected anypony but me to be anything but straight. Those stuck up Canterlot ponies had me believing that for a long, long time.
Rarity was the last one I told, since I expected her to react drastically. Instead, she merely chuckled, and told me that she had always thought I was a filly-fooler. She also said that she would've never asked herself, (because that's one of the rudest things one can possibly ask, according to her), and that she's glad that I told her.
I'm so relieved, Princess.
Never had I ever thought that anypony would still be my friend after finding out that I like mares. For the majority of my life, I believed that I'd live alone, having to hide this secret I once thought was so awful. Now, I can admit the truth to myself, my friends, and you, Princess.
My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I like mares. And, Princess, I've learned that life for ponies like me gets better. So, so much better.
And that is the most important thing I've ever learned. I'm not ashamed anymore. I know who I am, what I am, and what I want. And it's an amazing feeling. I feel like I can do anything now, and I owe that all to my friends.
So, thank you, Princess.
For indirectly introducing me to them. For always being there for me. And, most importantly, for giving me the courage to tell you, and myself this.
Your faithful and filly-fooler student,
Twilight Sparkle
