Chapters

My Name is Bob.
How Phil Violated My Masculinity
This Can't Be Happening
Blue, Glowing Flowers? Energy At Last!
My First Day in Hell
Generosity, Given To Me Against My Will.

My Name is Bob.
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An Anti-Brony Goes to Equestria.

My Name is Bob.

I want to start off with introducing myself.

My name is Bob. I live a pretty normal life. I wake up, go to work at the Roice Lab a couple blocks away from my house as a quantum physicist, then I go home, do any extra work that I couldn't finish at the lab, eat some dinner, watch some TV, then I go on the internet to troll bronies.

What are bronies, you ask? Let me put it this way: they're closeted gays. They just are, and they can't deny it, because they watch My Little Pony before going straight to their computers to hit their favorite little online forums so that they can talk about their favorite little rainbow ponies. And if they're not gay, then they're probably just pedophiles trying to be accepted in society. That's, right, you heard me, I'm talking about forty-year-old men with beards watching a TV show for prepubescent girls.

Anyway, I troll these 'bronies' before going to bed at night, then I wake up and do the same daily routine all over again. Unless it's a weekend, I get weekends off.

It was a pretty normal and happy life for me, y'know? Content, no problems, nothing, until...

Until Phil came.

Now, if there was anyone who I would have suspected was a brony, it was Phil. Every day at work while we're working on our parallel universe projector, he brings in a bottle of applejack with him. Don't get me wrong, I've trolled bronies enough to know about their little 'keywords', and I know that applejack is the brony word for 'silly'. I am on to him, I tell you, I am on to him.

Horrible, right? Wrong. Because that's not even the worst of it. Seventh day of work, Phil comes up to me and asks, "Do you like ponies?" and I answered, "No, because ponies are for girls." Then he looked at me with this glazed look in his eyes (which I still think spells guilt for him) before he went and answered, "Oh, no, I mean ponies as in the breed of ponies. I took you for a horses man, that's why I... That's why I asked."

GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!

I can already imagine Phil now, sitting in his basement, singing My Little Pony over, and over, and over, while being surrounded by his shrine of pink pony toys, just staring back at him with their creepy, absent-looking faces. I can imagine his very masculinity being stripped away by every second of those ponies having tea parties with butterflies on that sick television show of his while he hugs his little pony dolls.

Of course, I can't prove anything. Maybe I am just a little prejudiced. I remember I was chatting with one of my fellow anti-brony men on an instant messager (he calls himself R1T3ousFyr3 in his account) about the situation, and he advised me that I may just be working myself up over nothing. Maybe I am, and maybe he's right. Maybe Phil really isn't just a creepy pony-occultist wearing a tutu.

How Phil Violated My Masculinity
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An Anti-Brony Goes to Equestria.

How Phil Violated My Masculinity

It was about 5-o-clock in the afternoon when the parallel universe projector was finally finished being constructed. Now it was time for the programming, of course, which Phil offered to do himself. Feeling tired and lazy, I let him do it. We needed a name for the parallel universe projector, though, and Phil thought that the name "P.1.N.K.-E-3.14" would be a good name. I dunno, I didn't have any better ideas for a name myself, but he said that it fit with the whole inter-dimensional thing, somehow. I just shrugged and said "fine, name it what you want," before running out to get some donuts and coffee.

Sitting down at one of the tables at the coffee shop, I decided to jot down the name of the machine on a napkin, curious.

"P.1.N.K. - E - 3.14"

Now, I thought, if he was secretly a brony, then this had to be a code of some kind. He would have to be trying to be soiling our brilliant breakthrough in technology with his little girl's show. He just had to, and I knew it. Staring at that secret code, I began to decipher. Those dashes were obviously separating the words, sounds, or something, so I rewrote it beneath the original code as:

P.1.N.K. E 3.14

Alright, so far so good. I thought for sure I was on to something now, realizing that P.1.N.K. had to be a replacement for the word Pink. Pink, of course! Only a brony would have anything to do with the color pink! I was on to Phil now, so much I could taste it. I quickly jotted down the next part of the code.

Pink E 3.14

I felt so proud of myself, I was sure that R1T3ousFyr3 would be so proud of me as a fellow anti-brony! I could see myself now, being seen as a national hero, with the president standing next to me, saying "Today, our fellow patriot Bob has protected the sanctity of the american vision of a man by protecting an advancement in quantum physics from being tainted by the likes of those... bronies."

"Thank you, Mr. President!" I shouted, before realizing that I was in a public area. Now that everyone was staring at me, it was time to fulfill my destiny.

Looking back at the sinister brony code, I noticed something else. 3.14 are the first three digits of "Pi". Making note of this, I proceeded to jot down the next part of the code.

Pink E Pi

"...Dammit!" I whispered harshly to myself. No luck. I was left with only three words to go by, and nothing more. that Phil may have escaped my anti-brony hate, for now.

"Oh, I'll catch you yet, Phil. Maybe not today, but I'll catch you yet, you slippery criminal mastermind, you."

Discouraged, I returned to the lab, where Phil was working on some complicated mathematics having to do with the functionality of the machine. Next to him sat five DVD cases stacked on top of each other, edges even with each other. I looked at the watch on my wrist: 9:00 P.M.. Wow, the night really crept up on me this time. I yawned, looking through a small window in the door I was standing next to, which led to the parallel universe projector. Since Phil seemed to have everything taken care of, I decided to call it quits for the day.

"Hey Phil, you okay working on your own? I'm thinking about hitting the hay."

"The hay?... Oh, right, yeah, no problem." Phil replied, seeming distracted.

Stretching my arms out, I took my keys off of the desk and left the lab. I walked down the hall, past all eighteen doors which lined it, until I finally made it to the doors. Walking out of the building, I slowly walked through the parking lot to my very own, glistening, black, Hummer. I unlocked the car, opened the door, fastened my safety belt, then turned the ignition, causing the car to create a masculine roar. May no human being ever accuse me of bronyness! Muahahahahah!

Of course, I always say that when I turn on the ignition to my car. No really, I do, I actually do. In fact, it has become so much of a habit, that when I was taking my ex-fiancee to dinner, I wound up saying that by accident. She was a little creeped out, but, y'know, there are worse things that could have happened. Course she broke up with me the next day, but... Nevermind.

Anyway, I flipped on my right turning signal as I stopped at the exit from the parking lot. Turning right out of the parking lot, I continued to drive ahead on the open road, vacantly watching the road as it rolled right under me.

I started wondering when the programming for the parallel universe projector would be finished. Oh, it would probably be finished by tonight. Knowing Phil, he could probably finish it within the hour. Besides, it was a friday night, and we'd both have the day off tomorrow and the day after that, not to mention labor day was on this upcoming monday, so if Phil worked late then he'd have plenty of time to catch up on some z's.

That's probably why he had those DVD cases next to him, now that I thought about it. He'd probably finish the programming and try out some of those DVD's to see if the machine could actually interdimensionally take you into the world of-

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Hitting the brakes hard, I turned right there on a dime. How could I be so stupid? That's why he wanted to work on the programming; that's why he wanted to stay late, because he was going to use one of those DVD's to enter his world of MY FRICKIN' LITTLE PONY!

I floored it, the engine revving up like the formula 1's in the indy 500. There was no way I was going to let that closeted brony taint my lifetime's work on the parallel universe projector! Not now, not ever! I don't think I ever drove faster in my life, not even in my teenage racing years. speeding down the road, I finally returned to the Roice Lab. As I parked my car and threw myself out its door, I quickly looked at the main entrance door to the lab - it was glowing.

"Just as I thought," I said to myself, giddy that I was about to nail that brony once and for all! He couldn't escape me now!

Charging at the door, I fumbled with the keys. I was so excited, I probably wound up accidentally using each one of the wrong keys until I found the right one. I opened the door in a cold sweat, feverishly sprinting down the hall. I could've sworn I was audibly making a maniacal cackle as I ran, but I was too excited to pay that much attention. Sliding down the hall to the room eighteenth door on the right, I nearly tackled the door open in my state of euphoria. Standing up straight, hair frazzled, I pointed forward and said:

"PHIL, I'VE CAUGHT YOU RED HANDED! YOU CLOSETED, GAY, Pedophi... pedo... phile..."

But he wasn't there. Fearing the worst, I opened the door leading into the room with the parallel universe projector. No. No. No. No. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

It had clearly been activated, because a rippling pool of distortion was filling the center of its ring-shaped doorway, and it was glowing a bright, blue hue.

"NOOOOOOO!!!" I cried, falling to the floor on my knees next to my beautiful machine. Why, oh why was I too late? Now it was tainted with that little girls... hello, what's this?

Picking up the DVD case which was laying beside the machine, I examined the cover. The front had an obscured picture of a risque, anime woman, hidden by a large black sticker reading "18+ Only".

"Ahahah, Phil, I was always wrong about you!" I shouted gleefully, dropping the DVD case to the floor. Phil wasn't gay, or a pedophile - he was just getting himself some hentai porn! Of course! Why didn't I see it before? I was probably just too full of prejudice to see past the straight man that he was.

I walked away, shaking my head in enthusiasm. That Phil, that rascal, that sly dog, I should've thought better of him. This whole time, and he was being completely, 100% honest with me, and I was giving him the cold shoulder. What kind of a man was I to just do all of what I did to Phil, second-guessing him and trying to inadvertently insult him for being a brony. To think, I was just kidding myself the whole time. Why, I...

Wait.

Why am I walking away?

I stopped, then turned on my heels. Did Phil really think he could get away with this? Did he really think he was going to satisfy his guilty desires and leave a straight man like me out of it? Not in a lifetime!

I shouldn't. I'm a professor in quantam physics. Imagine the shame that I would deserve for gratifying myself with this new technology? It would be just as bad as if it was My Little Pony! The critics would call me a pervert, a scoundrel, a scientist with primitive ulterior motives, a man who...

Ah, screw it.

I jumped into the portal, vowing to find Phil and to not be left out of anything. Besides, no one he knew would know... besides Phil, of course... so what harm was there?

I landed on the other side of the portal face-first. I heard chirping in the air, along with a soft breeze, with leaves bristling in the canopy of a forest.

I got up, spotting Phil immediately, who was holding a clipboard in one hand and scribbling on it with a pencil in the other.

"Phil!" I shouted.

Phil's hands shook, dropping his pencil and only barely keeping his clipboard from being dropped as well.

"B-Bob? I can explain! I can explain everything!"

"No worries, Phil!" I shouted merrily, walking up to him and giving him a hearty slap on the back, "we're men, right?"

"...Right." Phil responded.

"Then I completely understand!"

"You... You do?"

"Yes, of course! Why wouldn't I?"

"You mean, you don't think I'm..."

"Unprofessional? Nah, of course not."

"...Really?"

"Of course!" I exclaimed, "why would I ever judge you as a man for wanting to send yourself into a world with..."

I looked away from Phil, noticing the flora and fauna of my surroundings. It looked like flash animation, if I wasn't mistaken, with pastel colors everywhere. If I knew anything about anime, this was not, if anything, anime.

"Phil." I said. "where are we."

"...Um..." Phil stammered.

"Phil." I said again, "we're not in a hentai, are we."

"...Well, you see... Ah... I can... Explain?" Phil struggled to say.

In a fit of desperation, I turned to Phil and grasped him by the shoulders, burning insanity in my eyes. "Where. Are. We. Phil."

"Eh... Eh... Equestria"

"Phil. A little... A little louder, please, I couldn't hear you."

"It's Eh... Eh..."

"Spit it out, Phil, where are we."

Phil sighed. "We're in... Equestria."

...

"What."

"Equestria."

...

"What do you mean we're in Equestria!"

"Well, I..."

"What, let me guess, we're in some magical world too, aren't we?"

"Well, if you'd let me expla-"

"Oh, and what next? This is all in My Little Pony or something?"

Phil stared back at me with this... this sheepish looking face. Several moments passed, until it finally dawned on me.

"No. It can't be." I rationalized.

He kept staring at me.

"No, no, no. We're not in... My Little Pony, you're just... you're just teasing me that's all, I mean, there's no way that you... that I... that... that... that we're in a TV show for... prepu... prepubescent... girls..."

For the first time in my life, I began to feel... Hysterical. Out of my wits.

"...Bob, I... I keep the first season of My Little Pony in a hentai disc cover so that... so that no one would suspect that I watch My Little Pony."

I gaped at him. I gaped at him for what felt like an eternity.

{And now, for a conniption observed...}

"What... WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU KEEP THE FIRST SEASON OF MY LITTLE FRICKING PONY IN A HENTAI DISC COVER?"

"Bob, I-"

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? WERE YOU JUST BORN YESTERDAY? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS TO YOU, YOUR PARENTS, AND YOUR ANCESTORS?"

"Bob-"

"YOU'RE A DISGRACE! MAY YOUR FAMILY FORGET YOU IN SHAME FOR WATCHING A TELEVISION SHOW-"

"Bob-"

"-FOR LITTLE... FOR LITTLE GIRLS-"

"Bob, if you'd let me expla-"

"NO! NO! YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN ANYTHING! DO YOU HEAR THAT? DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? THAT'S YOUR FOREFATHERS-"

"Bob-"

"-TURNING IN THEIR... FUCKING GRAVES-"

"Bob, if you'd please just listen to-"

"-BECAUSE THEIR CHILD GREW TO BE A DISGRACE TO HUMAN NATURE-"

"If you'd just-"

"-BECAUSE HE SITS IN HIS OWN HOME WATCHING A TV SHOW FOR FOUR TO EIGHT YEAR OLD GIRLS!"

"Please, Bob, just listen to me for one sec-"

"AND NOW, HOHOHO, NOW, BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M IN A FUCKING PREPUBESCENT GIRL'S TELEVISION SERIAL!"

I took a deep breath, my face as red as a tomato, as I tried to realize what was going on.

"That's it," I said, "I'm leaving."

"Bob-"

"No, I'm leaving, I'm telling your family you're gay, and I'm pressing charges against you for pedophilia."

"Bob-"

I walked up to the parallel universe projector which I had just walked through, but there was a problem. The gateway was not causing a rippling distortion, and it wasn't glowing blue either.

"Phil." I said. "I'm seeing a problem with this machine. What's wrong with it."

"It's what I've been trying to tell you the whole time, Bob-"

"Phil, buddy." I said, feeling slightly frantic, "why is the gateway on the machine not operating."

"Well, you see Bob, I forgot to add a slight change to the parallel universe projector before using it to take me to Equestria, and because of that-"

"Get to the point, Phil."

"Well, you see-"

I turned around and grabbed Phil by the shoulders again, my face red as a rose, as a frantically tried to get the truth out of Phil by saying

"Phil, why is the gateway not working."

"...There's no electricity in Equestria, Bob. The parallel universe projector only worked with electricity, and I forgot to insert the batteries to the machine. It's only been plugged in back at the lab."

I stared at him, trying to rationalize what he was saying; understand what he was inferring.

"No." I said, losing my mind.

He nodded his head silently. Yes.

"No no no, no." I said, trying to change reality be saying that two letter word.

"Bob," Phil set his hand on my shoulder, "you and I are trapped in Equestria."

I let go of his shoulders, my hands hanging limply beside me.

"No. no... NO! YOU IDIOT! YOU, YOU, YOU NUMBSKULL! YOU FUCKING NUMBSKULL! YOU MEAN WE'RE TRAPPED HERE FOREVER IN A TELEVISION SHOW FOR LITTLE GIRLS?"

He didn't answer me, he just stared, probably feeling sorry for me.

"But, but, but JUSTICE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO ME, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO YOU!"

I shouted the words helplessly as he watched me give in to my own emotional meltdown, right before his eyes.

"AND THE PRESIDENT WAS GOING TO GIVE ME HIS OWN PERSONAL REGARD FOR IT TOO! BUT ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR... YOUR... RETARDED, PONY-LOVING DISPOSITION, I'M STUCK HERE, IN A TV SHOW ABOUT PONIES AND TEA PARTIES, AND ITS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! YOU! DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU!"

Phil walked up to me and proceeded to give me a man hug. "It's okay, bro, I've already got a plan."

Of course, I jerked out of his sickly hug, screaming "GET YOUR GAY LITTLE HANDS OFF OF ME!"

"Alright, man, alright, no need to get upset."

"upset? UPSET? YOU THINK THIS IS UPSET? WHY DON'T YOU TRY SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFETIME IN A WATERED-DOWN TELEVISION SHOW WHICH IS TWENTY TIMES DUMBER THAN YOU ARE, THEN YOU'LL KNOW WHAT UPSET REALLY MEANS!"

My eyes began to twitch, my body began to shake, and I finally fell to my knees, feeling more sorry for myself than ever before.

"And I was going to go out drinking with the guys this Saturday!" I sobbed, face puffy from my angst-ridden screaming. I was probably the sorriest sight on Earth... Or, not Earth per se, not in this situation...

"Bob, all we need to do is find Twilight Sparkle, and I'm sure she can help us get our parallel universe projector up and running again-"

"TWILIGHT... DID YOU JUST SAY TWILIGHT SPARKLE?" I growled, steam shooting out of my ears, "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FAMILY JEWELS? DID THEY CUT THEM OFF AND PUT THEM ON DISPLAY ON YOUR LITTLE MLP FORUMS? BE A MAN, PHIL!"

Needless to say, Phil was the only other man like me in... Equestria. I... felt like I could relate to him, the best. Because every other living thing in Equestria was going to be either sparkly little villains in the forest, and brain-dead ponies everywhere. I needed to relate to Phil on a manly level, somehow, someway, in some... lost effort.

Wait.

My brain wasn't registering. What was I thinking? Relating to a brony... on a manly level? Did I go insane? Was I losing it? No, I wasn't gonna break. Neither he, nor some girly TV show was going to make me go insane. Ohoho, not today, not today.

Phil just looked back at me disapprovingly for my remark. That's it. I had it.

"No, I'm not going with you, and I'm not going to "Twilighty Sparkly" for advice," I said, almost maniacally, "I am going to go out there, on my own, and harness my own electricity, so I can power the parallel universe projector myself, and when I do, I'm going to go straight back to my world, and tell everyone how you violated my very masculinity by forcing me to live the rest of my days in the world of My Little Pony!"

"Suit yourself," Phil said, as he began to walk away.

"Oh yeah?" I responded, feeling angry at how he could just walk away from me like that, "I'll show you, Phil, oh, I'll show you alright, and the President himself - no - the world itself will recognize my efforts to protect the meaning of what it means to be a man, and I'll be awarded the nobel prize, I tell you, THE NOBEL PRIZE!"

Phil finally disappeared in the underbrush of the forest. I began to hear the sounds of bugs buzzing in the air, bats chirping in the treetops. With a final yell, I took a twig and threw it at where Phil had just left a moment before.

"Oh, it is on." I said to myself, under my breath.

This Can't Be Happening
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An Anti-Brony Goes to Equestria.

This Can't Be Happening

"Okay, alright, everything's going to be fine, everything's going to be fine."

I was pacing back and forth in front of the parallel universe projector, rationalizing about my situation, trying to get a grip on reality. It was dusk now, as the sun was slowly beginning to set over the horizon.

"I am... Trapped... In My Little Pony... And everything's... Going to be fine, everything's going to be fine."

I began to caress the parallel universe projector very slowly, feeling a sense of emptiness. It was my only escape, but it wouldn't work, because it needed electricity. Pretty little ponies, of course, never need electricity, because they have sparkly magic from wonderland, which is why they would ever dream of not having electricity. Ever.

"Dammit, Phil!" I shouted, slamming my fist on the machine. If Phil had never opened the portal to My Little Pony, then I would have never found myself standing here, right now, in the nightmare of my life!

Of course, once I slammed my fist on the machine, a pipe fell out of it on the other side. Wonderful.

"Dammit Phil," I growled, boiling with rage.

That's it. That. Is. It. No more sobbing over the parallel universe projector. It was time to go out into this insipid world in search of a way to harness electricity.

I turned around from the parallel universe projector, looking all around me. I was standing in a clearing, with trees all around it. No matter what I would do, I would have to walk into this dense forest, with a mist clearly beginning to form inside of it. In fact, it was surprisingly forbidding for a little girl's show. Meh, whatever.

Anyway, I took a deep breath, and I began to walk forward into that forest, knowing that I'll eventually have to come out of the other side. That, or I was going to find higher ground so that I could get a better scope of the... shudder... "world of Equestria." Eugh.

I picked up a stick, and began marking each of the trees I passed with it so that I can know how to get back to the projector. As I continued to walk into the forest, the mist seemed to swallow me up, until I couldn't see far behind me or ahead of me; with the mist came a damp, rotten smell - kind of like worms, but more exotic. Good thing I had picked up the stick, or I'd never find my way home. Heheh.. heh... heh... yeeaaaahhhh...

Two Hours Later

"Dammit! I've seen that tree before about fifty times already!"

I kicked a rock on the ground, stubbing my toe, screaming

"Dammit!"

With every hop that I made with my other foot, being sure not to put to much weight on my throbbing stubbed toe.

"It's been two hours. Two. Damn. Hours. With no signs of anything!" I shouted, pacing back and forth in a small open area where there actually weren't any brambles. Curse those damned brambles, cutting and scraping at me. Now I was wearing a torn, sweat-soaked, dirt smothered lab coat with leaves pinned to it with their thorns; they were too thorny to take off without piercing my skin and making me cut myself - trust me, I knew, because my hands showed it.

Although I had hoped that would be the worst of it, it wasn't. Apparently, there is night in this... "Equestria"... which is ironic for a sunny, happy, little girl's show, but that didn't matter. The only light that I had to lead my way was the soft silvery glow of the moon, and the makeshift torch which I held in my hand. Not only that, but the mist was still here, and the light was reflecting off of it, making it nearly impossible to see about ten feet in front of me.

"Lost, in a forest, in a little girl's show..." I said, voice trembling a little bit, "It's nothing, just a little... a little girl's show. There'll probably be some random fairy-pony things which will lead me out of the forest in the most painful, brain-dead way... eventually."

I heard a howl from the distance, kind of like that of a wolf. Instinctively, I quickly turned to face the source of the howl. Wait, wolves in a little girl's show? Nah, I had to be losing it. It had to be the darkness, or my wits running thin, or something. I was probably just relating this forest to the way any forest back at home sounded through the subconscious depths of my mind. Yeah, that had to be it. Just my subconscious. That's all.

I began to notice that I was taking smaller steps than I was a little bit ago, and my legs began to feel a little wobbly. That, and my hands began to feel cool and sweaty, along with a slightly more rapid rate of breathing.

"Keep it together, Bob," I said to myself, "Keep it together. You're not going to lose it in a little girl's show, are you? What if your colleagues saw you like this. In fact, what if Phil saw you like-"

I stopped talking, a sudden realization dawning on me.

"That's it, isn't it? This is all a part of Phil's plan! He wanted me to stay in that clearing, and he wanted me to go out into this forest so that he could see me having a meltdown in a show for little girls. In fact, I'm sure he's probably seeing me right now, holding a video camera in his little brony hands so that he can show everyone how stupid I looked in a show for prepubescent little girls!"

I shook my fist at the canopy, imagining Phil could see me, saying

"Oh, I'm on to you, Phil, I am on to you! I'm going to find a way to power that parallel universe projector, and in the end it'll be you who looks like the girly little fool you are, and not me, dammit! So help me, I'll-"

I was interrupted by the sound of a crackle just behind to me. Almost jumping out of my skin, I turned to face the source of the noise.

Great, it was my first pony of my trip to insanity. Standing before me was this tall, white pony with wings and a unicorn horn, with a colorful and ethereal mane. Well, on the bright side, I looked pretty dapper in comparison to her, considering that her mane appeared to be soaked and weighed down some unspeakable bodily fluids. Her entire body was smothered in dirt as well; but there was one thing about her which seemed the most disturbing, and that was the fact that she appeared to be... drooling? Not to mention that her pupils were mere dots. I thought that I might as well go ahead and swallow my man-pride by asking her for directions. Couldn't hurt, right?

"So... Hi. I'm, not from around here, and I'm trying to find the quickest way to get out of this forest, so I was wondering if you could turn me in the right direction..."

"...turn you in the right direction..."

Something about the way she slurred that phrase gave me the feeling she meant it in another way. Meh, doesn't matter. She was still creeping me out though.

"Yeaaah..." I responded.

"Why do you want to leave?" she asked.

To me, the answer seemed obvious. Why would I want to stay in a humid forest? I decided I'd skip the obvious and get straight to the point.

"I'm trying to find a way to power my parallel universe projector, so that I can get back to my world... Look, I just need something to harness electricity in order to get it working again," then I remembered the extra damage I caused to the machine after slamming my fist on it, "and I'll need to get a rod, too."

"A rod..." she said ponderously.

"Yeah, a rod... You know what that is, right? I'm not wasting my breath on some girly-"

"Oh, well you won't be needing any of those." she said coyly, along with a slightly wild look in her eyes.

Yep, I was definitely feeling a chill run down my spine after she said that. Feeling a little creeped out at this point, I did what I've always done when I was creeped out. I started taking steps backwards.

Just as I thought, she started taking steps forwards in order to keep the same distance between us. Greeaaat. What better time to try and stall for time in order to get away from this freak then now right? So I did what I would always do when I was stalling for time - use small talk.

"Soooo... Nice weather we're having."

No sooner had I said "Nice weather we're having" then I had realized I had made the stupid mistake of not realizing that the weather was actually pretty bad right about now. Sure enough, the pony gave me the eyebrow. If I didn't justify myself quick, she'd know I was stalling. I decided to start complimenting everything I was feeling in the forest at about this moment.

"Yeeaaah, you know, it's... Sticky, hazy, dark... Hot..."

"Hot..." She said again. I really didn't like the way she said that.

"Eheheh..." I responded, before I suddenly realized something.

This had to be a trick. This could not possibly be a pony from a little girl's show - I mean look at her! She looks like a fucking x-file! This had to be a trick from Phil. He was probably up in a tree, recording all of this. That's it. I had it. I wasn't getting freaked out by a pony who appeared to be a rapist from hell. Not today, Phil!

I stopped walking backwards, then jabbed a finger in the other pony's face, saying

"No more games, Phil, I've had it. I want whoever you are, in that costume, to come out, before I pound you to the ground!"

The other pony looked amused. Sly, but amused.

"Now on the count of three," I said.

"On the count of three..." she responded, a small grin appearing on her face.

"I'm going to show you what I'm really made of, you hear me?"

"I'm going to show you what I'm really made of," she responded, still grinning coyly.

"...One."

She stared back at me with those pinprick, depraved eyes.

"...Two."

She started to look like she was anticipating what was coming next.

"...Thr-"

"...THREE!" She shouted gleefully, standing up on her hind hooves, suddenly looming over me, she began taking off... her skin? Revealing a pink pony jumping out from inside her... skin? The fuck, was I on drugs or something?

Oh, the skin was a costume.

"Were you scared? Because you looked scared and it was sooooooooooo funny and I was just barely able to keep myself from laughing because the last time I ever saw anypony as scared as you did was back at the last nightmare night celebration and I was like WEEEEEEEEEEE because it was so much fun and I was running around screaming with everypony but just a minute ago I was helping Zecora with some stuff and I told her my Pinkie sense was telling me that somepony was in the forest and since it was at night I just had to try and creep up on him, or her, or whoever it was, but she only had this costume which looked sooooooorta like Princess Celestia so I smothered the costume's mane if mud, and glue, and leaves, and all this other stuff and now I've met you and... Wow, I haven't met you before what's your name? My name's Pinkie Pie! Ooh, ooh, we should be friends!"

Pinkie Pie. Of course. That's what Phil's code was. I was such an idiot! I blinked at her, dazzled by what happened before me. Then I shook my head, trying to get my facts straight.

"Look, I'm trying to get out of this forest. I don't want any "friends" to help me either."

She looked at me with this sorrowful face.

"But everypony needs friends!" She said encouragingly.

"Yeah, but I don't, and I definitely don't need you as a friend either." I said flatly.

She bit her lip, her eyes going wide, as she made this cute, sad noise. Eeeugh.

"Wait!" She said suddenly, looking happier than ever again, "I need to show you my welcome wagon!"

"...Show me your wha-"

Out of the blue, Pinkie Pie slams a party hat on my face, covering my eyes.

"Eagh!" I shouted in response, pushing the hat up to my forehead enough to see a wagon of some kind suddenly appear right before my eyes.

Oh no, she started singing. And dancing. Oh, mother, why oh why oh-

"Welcome welcome welcome, a fine welcome to you!

Welcome welcome welcome, I say how do you do?"

I fell to my knees, covering my ears. Was this some kind of vocal torture device? DAMMIT PHIL! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Suddenly, she brings out this base drum out of nowhere and starts pounding it over and over.

"Welcome welcome welcome, I say hip hip hooray!"

Welcome welcome welcome to equestria today!"

A brief moment passed after she finally jumped into the air, and landed on her hind legs, sliding towards me with her forehooves spread out. Was it over?

"Wait for it..." she said, holding her hooves out theatrically.

Boing!

Splat!

"MMMFFMMFMFMFFFF!" I muffled, my face suddenly covered in cake batter, my arms plastered to my sides so I couldn't move. DAMMIT PHIL, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

"Huh, I thought for sure I got it right this time. Oh well!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.

I slowly pried myself from the dried cake batter, trying to get the sticky wet cake batter off of my already worn and torn lab coat, while I cursed under my breath,

"Sooooooooooo whaddya think?" She said cheerfully once more. Ahem, once more.

"What do I think?" I said, losing my temper, "I think that I have just been

"LAUNCHED INTO A LITTLE GIRL'S SHOW AGAINST MY WILL,

TREKKING FOR MILES IN A FUCKING FOREST,

BEFORE MEETING A RAPE PONY OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE,

ONLY TO BE FRIENDSHIP RAPED BY A PINK LITTLE PONY,

NEARLY GETTING A HEADACHE FROM THE MERE FORCE OF YOUR PARTY HAT SLAM,

AND NEARLY DROWNING IN YOUR GIRLY CAKE BATTER,

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK?

... Hoho, you want to know what I think?"

"...Yes?" she said, looking downhearted from my shouting.

"I THINK YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE, YOU PRICK!"

Oh no, now she had tears in her eyes. Euugh.

"Yeah, yeah, so if you're not going to tell me how to get out of this fucking forest, "Pricky Pie", then I'm figuring it out myself." I said, as I turned on my heels and started walking away, not even caring.

"B-but, you don't want to w-walk that way, because-"

"Just shut it." I said, having had enough with this whole "My Little Pony" world altogether. To think I was even scared. I was ashamed of myself.

"But there's monst-"

"Shut."

"-ers that wa-"

"It."

Then she stopped talking to me. Good, now I could walk through this forest in peace for once. I looked up at the sky, seeing the moon high above me. It was probably about midnight by now. Great.

"Nopony ever called me names before!" Pinkie Pie cried, continuing to sit on the ground where that meanie left her not five Pinkie Pie ticks to the left ago.

"Why'd he have to be so mean? I didn't do anything to him!" She continued, streams of water still spraying out of her eyes.

After she finally collected herself, she continued to think aloud.

"Well, he was just going deeper into the forest where there's timberwolves, and hydras, and who knows what else. I can't just let him go that way... And hey, maybe he'll be my friend if I can help him!" She proclaimed, raising her hoof in the air with confidence. After a moment, she slumped back down again, "But what if he doesn't want my help?"

"Exactly, Pinks. He doesn't want your help. Besides, he doesn't deserve it either."

Pinkie looked to her right shoulder to see a small, red pinkie pie with horns on her head.

"...Baddy Pie? My shoulder devil?"

"Yep. But you can just call me... Pie. It sounds like a double-o seven thing."

"Oh. Okay, whatever." Pinkie chimed.

"So as I was saying-"

"Wait just a minute!"

Pinkie looked to her other shoulder, and lo and behold, a small, angelic Pinkie Pie was standing there.

"And Goody Pie too!" Pinkie shouted, clapping her hooves together.

"Sure thing, Pinkie Pie, you can call me anything." Replied Goody Pie, "Now listen, there is a lost soul out there, confused by living with hatred and loathing, and he doesn't know the first thing about the magic of friendship! You can't just leave him out in the Everfree to die, Pinkie, because sometimes a good friend is someone who opens up to you over time."

"Huh, never thought of that. Thanks Goody!" Replied Pinkie Pie happily.

"Hold on a sec!" Pie responded, "are you completely forgetting what that meanie pants said to you a minute ago? He was, like, cursing and shouting and pointing his finger at you, and he even said bad stuff about you! You can't just go trot up to him and lend him the hoof of friendship - he'll just deny it! Besides, after everything you did for him, and the way he repaid you, he doesn't deserve the help either."

"Oh, well that makes sense, I mean, I did put some effort into that welcome wagon thing and he did call me a-"

"Hang on, Pinkie Pie, don't let Baddy Pie here-"

"It's Pie, Goody."

"...Fine, Pie... Pinkie, don't let Pie here convince you that turning your back on that person is what you should do, because that's the easy thing to do. It's hard to forgive, Pinkie, but the best of friends will always be ready to forgive, even when-"

"Awww, give me a break, Goody," Pie interrupted, "don't give us the namby-pamby friendship stuff. Now isn't the time for that! That meanie just called Pinkie Pie a prick." Pie turned to face Pinkie Pie, "...I mean... I mean COME ON!!!"

"I dunno, Pie, I'm liking what Goody Pie over here is saying."

"See? She always listens to me. Every time. Seriously, you need a new line of work, Pie."

"Goody, being a shoulder devil was my dream job!"

Goody held out a hoof, expecting something. Pie sighed.

"Fine," Pie said, taking ten bits out of her pocket and tossing them over to Goody, "Best out of one-hundred and twenty?"

"As much as you like, Pie, as much as you like."

Suddenly, Pinkie's shoulder guides dissipated. With renewed confidence, Pinkie Pie proclaimed,

"I'm going to find meanie pants!"

Blue, Glowing Flowers? Energy At Last!
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An Anti-Brony Goes to Equestria.

Blue, Glowing Flowers? Energy At Last!

For the first time since I left Pinkie Pie, I started to feel slightly guilty for lashing out. Meh, it didn't really matter anyway, I guess, since it was just a cartoon. Ah, well, who cares anyway.

So there I was, walking along in the forest again, all by myself, in the dark. Worst of all, my torchlight was burning out, and I'd be left in pitch black before long. Dammit, Phil. Dammit Pinkie Pie. Dammit everything.

At least this time I wasn't afraid of anything. Not that I was afraid of anything before, of course! Just, you know, I felt a little more... Confident. Walking in a straight line, I figured that I'd probably reach the end of this forest eventually.

I was walking for the next hour, until my torch was eventually reduced to a stick with embers at the end of it. Wonderful. I just stood there, unmoving, trying to decide what to do next. My torch burned out, everything was pitch black, and I could hear owls hooting every which place in the forest. Out of a lost hope, I started looking around me, searching for any sliver of a possibility that there could be some light, somewhere, someplace. Nope, nothing except that glowing blue patch of... Glowing blue patch of flowers?

I rubbed my eyes, trying to believe what I was seeing. Oh, what luck! There were flowers, and they were glowing a bright blue light from them. I've done it! Not only have I found a new source of light for me to get back to the parallel universe projector, but if my predictions were correct, I could convert the microorganisms creating the glow in the plant into fuel cells to power my parallel universe projector! Hahah, I could see Phil now!

I ran to the flowers in a frenzied craze. Home! At last! And because of these beautiful, beautiful glowing flowers! The president would really thank me after all! After I sue Phil, of course.

I made sure to pick as many as I could, my bare hands brushing past their slime-coated petals to grab their firm, fuzzy stems. Amazing, these flowers were giving my hands a tingling sensation! There must be more energy in these blue flowers than I had thought! How beautiful, how delightful!

Before I knew it, I lost myself in my own euphoria, throwing the flowers up into the air in victory, before allowing myself to fall down into the bed of those flowers, making flower-angels in them, if that's what you'd call it if they're not snow angels. I smelled the flowers, I hugged the flowers... I even rubbed them against my cheek in delighted glee! This was the most amazing experience of my entire trip - knowing that I would go home after all!

After some time of laying down in the bed of flowers, I looked back up at the canopy, and the starry sky. Ah, what a beautiful feeling to know that I'd be going home. I yawned, feeling tired after all of that walking. I decided that I might just take a little nap - just a little one, and I'd be back on my way to the parallel universe projector in the morning to adjust the energy processors to take a temporary shot of natural enzyme energy. Shutting my eyes, I smiled, peacefully falling asleep in that flowerbed of success.

I woke up, looking back up at the forest canopy. Wait, a forest canopy? Where was I? Oh, right... My Little Pony.

Oh well it didn't matter, because it was time for me to go back to my parallel universe projector and take myself home.

Stretching out my forelegs, I yawned with the pleasure of having a good night's rest. After doing some stretches, I got up onto all four of my hooves. That Phil was going to be on a run for his money now - now that I'd make it back to the parallel universe projector first.

I looked around for some good looking specimens of blue, glowing flowers, before I picked some up with my mouth and began treading back to the parallel universe projector by following all of the marks I left for myself on these trees.

And y'know, I just couldn't put my hoof on it, but I felt a little... Different.

Pinkie Pie was hopping up and down along the way she had seen that meanie pants go, but she couldn't find him anywhere - according to her Pinkie sense, he either disappeared completely, or he transformed overnight or something, and she knew neither of those things could ever happen.

She did feel like there was another pony close by though who she might be able to talk to. Maybe that pony would know where the meanie pants went! With renewed confidence, Pinkie started hopping in the direction of the new pony. She thought it was weird that there was some random pony in the Everfree forest, but then again it was pretty weird that she was there too, so she shook it off as pure coincidence.

After hopping over two brooks and a log, Pinkie found herself seeing a bright, red-orange pony with a bright red mane holding a bouquet of poison joke in his mouth... Wait, poison joke! She had to warn that poor colt!

"Hey! Waaaaait!"

"Hey! Waaaait!"

I stopped trotting. No, that was the voice of Pinkie Pie. Not her again.

"Pinkie Pie, I thought I told you to shut up an-"

"You've got poison joke in your mouth and you've gotta spit it out quick before it brushes up against you!"

I spat out the flowers.

"What?"

"I saaaid, you had poison joke in your mouth and you had to spit it out quick before it brushes up against you and plays a joke on you!"

"Oh, hahah, a gay plant too. Well, I don't care, because I'm using this plant to power my parallel universe projector, so if you'll excuse me I'll just be going."

I picked up the "poison joke" again, before continuing to trot on my merry way. Poison joke. Plays a joke on you. Hah, pathetic.

Then I heard Pinkie Pie trying to hold in a laugh, and by the sounds of it, it was a big laugh.

"Alright," I said, turning, a glare on my face, "what's so funny?"

She pointed a hoof at me, "You're going to have a little trouble going back like that."

How did she know anything about me going back to my world? Meh, this pony seemed pretty out there anyway.

"...What do you mean?"

She lost it. Falling over onto the ground, she started laughing so hard that tears were rolling down her eyes.

Wait.

No, it can't be.

Poison Joke. Brushes up against you. Plays a joke on you.

I looked at myself.

Princess Luna trotted up to Princess Celestia, who appeared to be looking out of the castle balcony towards the Everfree forest.

"Is something wrong, my sister?" Luna inquired.

"Very much so, my sister." Celestia replied.

"...What is wrong?" Luna asked again.

"...The mail, it's late again." Celestia sighed, leaning on the balcony.

"Oh, the mail again." Luna replied, looking away towards the Everfree forest herself.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Luna jumped up out of surprise, and Celestia stood up at full attention, as they both gazed at the same place in the Everfree forest where countless birds seemed to be flying up and away from a specific region of the canopy.

"It appears that someone in the Everfree cares more about us getting our mail on time then we do, my sister." Luna joked.

"Fuck! Fuck! Dammit fuck this, son of a bitch!"

I was shouting, screaming at the top of my lungs, dropping the poison joke in the process. I was indeed, one hundred percent, pony. I gaped in horror at my bright red-orange coat, and bright red mane. This couldn't be happening. Not now, not when I was so close! This was horrible! No, no, no, horrible does not even describe this at all! This is a disaster! No, no, a sign of the apocalypse for my life! I could never return to my world as a pony! I would be ruined!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed again, not willing to accept this, no, not at all. Of course, Pinkie Pie was dying of laughter, but what she thought didn't matter to me anymore.

I didn't just collapse to my knees this time, I collapsed completely, whimpering with my new pony whimper. Not my pony whimper - I didn't want to have a pony whimper! And why did I have to sound cute at the same time?

"MOMMY!" I shouted, wanting a sense of comfort in my time of tribulation. Thank God I shoved a hoof in my mouth before anypony could tell I actually just said that. Wait. I just thought "anypony". NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I started hitting my little hooves on the ground, throwing a tantrum, with cartoon tears shooting out of my eyes in streams, shouting "NO!" over and over, until my throat was sore from the screaming. Then I rolled over onto my back and started scraping at my soft belly with my rubbery hooves in the lost hope of tearing off my pony body to reveal the real man - who was me - on the inside. When scraping didn't work, I started hitting my hooves on the ground again, back and forth, creating a pool of tears under my fuzzy little body.

"AWWW, FUCK! AWWW, SHIT! AWWW, SON OF A BITCH!"

I screamed those very words, although not necessarily in that order, over and over and over again. Yes, my throat was sore, but it didn't matter. I needed somepony to know exactly what happened to me, needed someone to come and change everything.

"DAMN YOU PHIL!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, hoping somewhere in Equestria he'd hear me. Although I couldn't see it at the time, Pinkie Pie was rolling back and forth on the ground, laughing so hard that she was gasping for air.

Oh, why? Why me?

"AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO OUT DRINKING WITH THE GUYS TODAY!!!"

"Hmm, this is a dilemma indeed; I may not have the cure that he needs."

Zecora looked over my quivering, violated little self on the ground, which was currently in the fetal position.

Pinkie Pie quickly asked, "But whaddya mean? Don't you have a magical potion which he could take a bath in so that he can be cured?"

Zecora continued to look at me, then answered.

"For anypony in Equestria, that potion will fix,

But anyone from another world, the potion will not mix.

Because you see,

He may be a pony,

But because he is not one truly,

How the potion reacts - it may be unruly."

Out of desperation, I held my hooves together pleadingly, saying

"How long do I got, doc? How long 'till I die?"

Zecora laughed, then replied.

"Do not worry, poison joke is harmless,

Although if you panic, it may drive you to madness."

I threw my hooves in the air, looking up at the ceiling of Zecora's hut with dispair, saying

"I can't live like this!"

Zecora looked at me with pity, then replied

"Although I do not have a cure right away,

I may have what you need in time, on another day."

I fell back on my flank, speechless. In time? On another day? I couldn't wait for a cure, not while Phil was out looking for... Whatever her name was! He'd probably just leave me here if he got to the parallel universe projector first! This was a disaster!

Needless to say, I was catatonic. Something was unplugged in my brain when Zecora uttered those words. As I sat there uselessly, Pinkie Pie thanked Zecora for her help before trying to motivate me to get up and follow her to Ponyville. After noticing that I was practically unconcious, Pinkie Pie decided to drag me out instead by my cherry-red tail. As I was being dragged along, Pinkie Pie spoke up (in a muffled voice since she had my tail in her mouth).

"Don't worry, it's not so bad being a pony! Hey, I thought that while we're waiting for Zecora to find a cure for you, I could show you around Equestria! Whaddya think?"

"Eeeeeeehhhh...." I responded, to weak to say anything.

"I'll... Take that as a yes!" Pinkie Pie continued, beginning to hop up and down cheerfully, not realizing that she was causing me to lift up off the ground and then be thrown back into it again over, and over, and over, and over, and over...

"It'll be sooooo much fun! First I'll introduce you to Aloe and Lotus, who run a spa in Ponyville - y'know, since you look real beat up from being out in the Everfree forest. After that, we can go look at the Rambling Rock Ridge, we can visit Canterlot, go aaaaaalllll the way up to Appleloosa, and Manehattan, and... What was your name again?"

I didn't reply. I just stared blankly at yet another perfect sky hanging above me.

"Wellllll I'll just call you Meanie Pants, since you can be pretty mean sometimes. How's that?"

I just kept staring at the sky.

"Okie dokie lokie then!" Pinkie Pie chimed, continuing to hop her way to Ponyville.

Will somepony help me, please?

My First Day in Hell
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An Anti-Brony Goes to Equestria.

My First Day in Hell

I... Didn't know what to think.

Here I was, trapped in a little girl's television show, while being dragged along a path to this... "Ponyville"... By a pink, unfailingly happy pony.

The only thing I did, was stare at the sky. Y'know, the clouds here were different - all curved and swirly. besides that, it looked like an animated sky far, far above me. I wondered what the guys would be doing today. Probably drinking, watching old football games, and maybe even passing around one or two porn mags. And what would I being doing? Exploring the magical land of Equestria.

Fate was a cruel, cruel mistress.

I was about to open my mouth to say "Damn you Phil," but no sound came out. Just a long, agonized... and cute... squeak, silently speaking of the turmoils churning inside of my violated anti-brony heart. It was as if all of the curses I could use at that moment were extinguished by the mere gravity of the situation. If Zecora found a cure for me, and I could be cured, would I still be able to reach the parallel universe projector in time before Phil closed it - if Phil would close it? And what if Zecora never found a cure for me? Then I'd be trapped in a prepubescent girl's television show. Forever, and ever, and for all eternity. At least, I felt it was implied that I'd spend eternity here, since a cartoon is basically an immortal being. If that was the case, Equestria was the circle of hell for haters and trolls - including anti-bronies, such as myself.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the circles of hell. In fact, I read up on them in the poem, "Dante's Inferno". It was my favorite book to read in my college literature prerequisite class, since it was about countless people getting the punishment they deserved. I just hated being on the other end of the stick as far as that was concerned.

"Daammiitt," I squeaked in a slow, painful voice.

"Don't worry, Meanie Pants, we've almost made it to Ponyville - Aloe and Lotus can fix you up as good as new!... Ooh, ooh, there it is, see?"

I tilted my tortured head in the direction that Pinkie Pie was trotting. It was a fair-sized town with countess little cottages.

Gay. Definitely gay.

I let my head fall back onto the ground, feeling more sorry for myself than I had when my ex found a porn mag that one of the guys had lended me for the week. She thought I was a pervert, I thought I was just being a guy. Maybe it wasn't any wonder that that had happened a couple weeks before the little car incident I mentioned earlier, with my short little anti-brony monologue that I shouted in the car when she just so happening to be sitting right beside me, finally ending in a broken up relationship the day after. I wondered what she was up to right about now.

Meh, well, whatever she was doing, she wasn't in Equestria. Like me.

Time must have passed pretty quickly for me when I was lost in thought like that, because we started to pass some other ponies, as well as some cottages, on our way into... the heart of Ponyville.

"See? We're here!" Chimed Pinkie Pie, as she started hopping again.

Of course, she was hopping on a brick path now instead of a nice, soft, dirt path like before, and since she was still carrying me by my tail, I got to be dropped onto the hard, brick path over and over again, silently groaning

"Ow,"

"Ouch,"

"Agh,"

over and over, but not necessarily in that order.

Just as my cute cartoon head was starting to hurt, Pinkie Pie suddenly stopped, and pointed to a building that was next to us. A tall, tacky looking building that looked like something you'd see someone eating for dessert.

"That's Sugarcube Corner!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, "I live there and work part-time for Mr. and Mrs. Cake."

Did she say Mr. and Mrs. Cake? Eugh.

She started hopping forward again.

"Ow,

Agh,

Oof,"

She stopped again, pointing to another building on the other side of the street.

"And that's the Ponyville post office over there!" Pinkie Pie chimed.

I looked to see that the post office was like any other cottage, just it was a little shorter and with a little more width than any of the other cottages. There was a basket full of muffins on its front porch with a ribbon on it and a letter. I couldn't read what it said for two reasons - one, it was far away, and two Pinkie Pie started hopping forward again. (Oh no, she's hopping forward agai-

"Oof,

Ouch,

Agh,

Ow,

Gah, my hea-

Oof!"

Pinkie finally stopped hopping forward once I was thoroughly dizzy from getting my head knocked on the brick pavement, pointing to a tree. No, a building. Wait, what?

"Aaaand that's the Ponyville library - that's where my friend Twilight lives!"

Twilight. Why does that name sound so famili-

Wait a second, that's who Phil was looking for! Twilight Sparkle!

Just as Pinkie was about to start hopping again, I quickly said "Wait, Pinkie, do you mean Twilight Sparkle?"

Pinkie stopped and looked at me.

"Well, duuh! Who else could she be?"

I didn't waste a second. I shot up into the air, hooves flailing beneath me, before landing on the ground and charging at the library at full speed - huh, cartoon ponies can run real fast when they're in a hurry - before practically slamming into the door.

Kicking the door open with my front hooves, I ran in and stopped to view the scene before me.

"PHIL! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Phil and... Twilight Sparkle, I guess? Were both looking at me. Phil had apparently just dropped a book on the floor by accident, and Twilight was in the process of picking it up with her magic.

"Well, sure, I mean, he dropped the book, but I wouldn't say that it was his fault." Twilight replied.

I looked away from Twilight, trotting right up to Phil.

Do you have any idea of what I've been through since you left me at the parallel universe projector, you fucking idiot?

Phil just looked down at me, looking thoroughly confused.

"Don't you pretend like you don't know who I am, Phil - you fucking did this to me, dammit!"

"Hokay, Meanie Pants, we should proooooobably get going." Pinkie cut in. Apparently, she followed me into the library. Didn't matter. As long as I was here, and Phil was there, I was going to show him what for, dammit!

"Meanie Pants... That's his name?" Twilight asked, with a face which seemed to ask "What kind of parents would name their kid Meanie Pants?"

"No, my name's-" I said, but Pinkie Pie interrupted, saying "-Yep, that's his name!"

I would have been so ticked off at Pinkie Pie's name for me, if it wasn't for the cheerful and innocent way that she said it.

"But I'm not Meanie Pants! I'm-"

"It's okay to feel embarrased by that name, Meanie." Twilight encouraged, "You must have had some really sick parents or something."

"But-"

"Don't worry, buddy, we're here for you." Said Phil, patting his hand on my back.

"If you ever want anypony to talk to, you can always talk to us." Twilight proclaimed inspirationally. It was almost heartwarming, except for the fact that MY NAME IS NOT MEANIE PANTS!

"Okie Dokie Lokie then!" Pinkie said, bouncing up and down before grabbing my tail once more and dragging me off to the spa again.

"I'll get you yet, Phil!" I shouted, waving my hoof at him. He just looked back at me with this forgiving, understanding face which felt so wrong to see, especially since I knew why he was looking at me like that. Sick parents, give me a break. Pinkie Pie named me that!

"Don't worry, Meanie Pants. Whenever any of my friends are feeling mad, I always take them to the spa. In fact, there was this one time when I met somepony named Cranky Doodle Donkey, and he was just like you, but a liiiiitle bit less mean, but he was still mad, so I took him to the spa and then he felt great! Maybe after you go to the spa, you'll feel great too!"

I allowed myself to be dragged by my tail again, my arms crossed on my chest while I was fuming over our quick conversation at the library. At the same time, I was feeling bad for whoever this "Cranky Doodle Donkey" was - I couldn't decide weather my new name was as bad as his was, or better. I wondered if he felt the same way about all of this that I did.

Aaaaand Pinkie Pie started hopping again. Oh n-

"Oof,

Agh,

Ouch,

Aw, fuck no-

Ergh!"

We stopped again, Pinkie Pie now pointing to a tall, round, elegant building which seemed to stand out from the other buildings in the town.

"And that's Rarity's Boutique over there!"

Rarity's Boutique. And let me guess - you can buy dresses and accessories there, right? Eugh, I hate my-

"Oof,

Agh,

Ouch,

Ohoh, that was a painful one-

Agh!"

Pinkie Pie took me off guard with her hopping that time, but at least she stopped. She dropped my tail this time, though.

"We're here, Meanie Pants - this is the spa!"

Pinkie announced, as she pointed to another building which also looked different from the other cottages. The building was rounded at the edges, had a coral color to it, and had a thatch roof with some steam was slowly rising from a small, metal chimney which sat picturesquely at the top of the building. To vacationers, it was an amazing, exotic place - the perfect image of a spa. To me, it was the torture chamber.

Pinkie Pie bent down to pick up my tail again, but this time I stood up before she could grab me.

"Fine, I'll just walk in... 'Pinkie Pie' ."

"Not a problem, Meanie Pants!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.

Pinkie began trot towards the building, with me following close behind, until we came up to the door, and entered.

The sound of some music seeming to barely resemble an asian ambiance greeted me, along with the smell of an exotic, invigorating incense. The room matched the senses which greeted me as well, with relaxing colors decorating the plaster walls along with a floor made with natural materials, giving the room significantly more of a remote feel once you were inside.

I was freaking out a little, because there was a small, devilish part of me which was somehow enjoying this, but I was at least able to keep it bottled deep in my soul so that it wouldn't break out. Well, at least the incense was helping me to keep my head a little - it did seem to clear your mind, somehow. Was it some kind of special incense which would clear your thoughts and settle your emotions once you breathed it in? Nah, that was impossible - unless it was enchanted like that poison joke was. Eugh, mother of mary, please don't let this incense be enchanted!

"Hi Aloe! Are you busy today?"

I looked to see an apparently bored Aloe sitting at a counter, resting her head on her left hoof. She shook her head no to Pinkie's question.

"Oh, well we have a spa emergency for my friend here!"

Aloe's eyes widened with the sound of urgency in Pinkie's tone of voice.

"See, I found my friend here wandering around all beat up and all in the Everfree forest and it would be great if you girls could give him the utmost spa attention!"

Aloe sat up, shut her eyes professionally, and clapped her hooves together several times. As if on queue, another pony (inferredly Lotus) quickly trotted into the room through a door beside the counter.

"Please come this way, sir." she said.

Wonderful, it was a spa emergency in a little girl's show. I could feel my manliness slowly being stripped away.

Slowly.

Painfully.

Torturously.

...Dammit!

If it wasn't for Phil... No... If it wasn't for me, and my stupidity, I wouldn't be here. I couldn't believe how stupid I was, and I was going to have to be forced to spend the rest of my days in a show intended for little girls for the rest of eternity - all because I had to turn the car around and get back to the Roice lab, I had to go running through the halls to the parallel universe projector, and I had to risk my entire career over the guilty pleasure of being in the world of a hentai anime. And now, I was going to have to live with myself. Forever. Beginning with: a spa treatment.

Since I was already beat up from wandering in the Everfree, and I was being bruised over and over by thudding against the brick paving in Ponyville thanks to Pinkie Pie's hopping, we started off with bringing me to a hot water bath.

Settled in the bubbling hot water bath, I slowly began to feel more and more relaxed against my will. I began to feel the muscles in my body loosen up until they felt like warm noodles in the water. The water vapor from the bath slowly drifted up to my face, creating beads of water on my face in a horrifyingly relaxing way.

After about fifteen minutes of this, I was ushered out of the hot water bath for the next treatment. Personally, I already felt relaxed enough, but Aloe and Lotus were not having of my "No really, I feel fine" phrases. Not after what I'd been through, they said.

Alright, so trekking through the Everfree aimlessly was pretty bad, apparently. I just hoped this would all be over soon.

Next, a back massage. Laying down on my belly on a kind of padded table, bed thing (I've never actually been to a spa before in my life. Confession made) with my face looking at the ground. It wasn't long until those rubbery-feeling hooves were massaging my back. Unfortunately, something about being given a back massage by rubbery, cartoon pony hooves gave me the feeling that it would be more relaxing then the usual hand massages I'd get back at home, meaning attempting to retain my manliness any further would be even more difficult. After a minute or two, Lotus striked up a conversation.

"What did you say that your name was?" Lotus asked.

I mulled it over, and replied begrudgingly.

"My name is... 'Meanie Pants'."

"Oh my!" Aloe responded, "Your parents named you that?"

"I am so sorry," responded Lotus sorrowfully.

"Oh, yes, I had horrible parents," I replied sarcastically, thinking of Pinkie Pie in the process.

"Well, if that's the case, and since this is your first visit here... Then this spa treatment is on the house." Aloe said encouragingly.

"...Thanks?" I replied, not sure how to respond to that.

After that, they wanted to know how I wound up here, so I told them about how I just "woke up" in the Everfree forest, trying my best to keep the parallel universe projector out of it since that would only make the conversation even more awkward than it already was.

After several minutes of that back massage, I didn't really feel like I cared anymore, because it was that good of a back massage...

Bob, pull yourself together! You're in a little girl's show!

When the back massage was over, I felt... even more relaxed. Not to mention loosened up. Aloe and Lotus quickly ushered me over to a cool water bath, where I was able to relax in while the cold temperatures of the water gave me a more refreshed sensation. After cooling down in the cool water bath, I was brought back to the lobby.

Of course, Pinkie Pie, my guide in hell, was still there. That could only mean one thing. More of Equestria, with absolutely no escape.

Why did this have to happen to me?

Generosity, Given To Me Against My Will.
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An Anti-Brony Goes to Equestria.

Generosity, Given To Me Against My Will.

"Weeeeeeee! You're all better! That's great, because I thought that since I was going to take you all around Equestria, we could start with the Rambling Rock Ridge. Whaddya say?"

I rolled my eyes, then stared back at Pinkie. Apathetic.

"Whatever. Let's just get all of this over with." I grumbled.

"No problem!" Pinkie chimed happily, as she continued to hop down the street, supposedly in the direction of where you would "hop" to get to this... "Rambling Rock Ridge."

I sighed, and followed her, feeling... almost nothing, now. Here I was, trapped in the middle of a television show for little girls. Not only that, but it was looking like this would be my new home. Forever.

Damn. It.

At least it wasn't as bad as I'd expect it to be. So far, all of the... "Ponies"... didn't seem brain-dead to me. But that aside, I was seeing a pattern of there being a little heart shape on practically everything I could see - doors, windows, fences, you name it, either had hearts on them or were actually hearts themselves. Pink hearts, at that.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that after a while, I could probably get used to it, although it was the most gay place I had ever visited in my life. Honestly, I'd probably rather live in some totalitarian government on Earth than to be here right now. I think the only thing in the world that could make my life even worse than it already was, was for the ponies here to be brain-dead, girly, ugly-looking excuses for animation. After seeing everything I'd seen, I figured things could probably be worse.

"Oh look, we're here!" Pinkie announced.

Huh, that trip to the train was fast.

I look up from my personal moping to see a train station. A train station with bright colors which I'd expect to see in the little girl's toys aisle at a department store.

That, and it had a heart for a window in the front car. Yep, this was definitely the girliest thing I'd seen this whole time. Dammit! Why did I have to forget the "It could be worse" curse in the worst possible place in my life?

"C'mon, Meanie Pants, we have to get on the train before it leaves!"

"Wait," I stammered, "We're getting on that train?"

Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes playfully.

"Well, duh! What train did you think I was talking about this whole time?"

Two words: No. Way. There was no way that I was going to sacrifice the last spark of my manliness be getting on a girly train in the land of Equestria. Not in this life, not in the next, not in any life. I needed to refuse. I knew Pinkie was going to push me, so I tried my best to remember the refusal skills I had learned in my health education class from my grade school days. Those refusal skills were originally for saying no to drugs, but... The situation called for it. Big time.

"Pinkie Pie," I began, feeling unnerved by the moment, "I am sorry to say, that it goes against my values as a man to ride a train designed by girls, for girls, in a televesion show... for girls."

Pinkie Pie stared at me for a moment, then broke out laughing, saying "Meanie Pants, you silly, this train isn't designed for girls, it's designed for ponies!"

~ ~ ~

The Impossible Love Between Pinkie Pie, and an Anti-Brony. A Shipping Story.

-Clouds form overhead, causing rain to pour. Pinkie Pie's mane is weighed down by the downpour of rain. Thunder is heard from the distance. Dramatic music is played offstage in the orchestra pit, primarily consisting of violins playing a melancholic melody. Bob breaks the silence in a cry of dismay.

"Pinkie Pie, that train is covered from head to toe - no - roof to floor, in hearts! Hearts, bright colors from the pink aisle at speedyguy mart, and not only that, but it's pink! I hate it!"

"B-but I'm pink," Pinkie Pie stammered, "Does this mean you don't love me?"

"Love you? You're a pink pony! I never loved you!"

Exit Pinkie Pie, wailing in sorrow as she gallops out of the scene.

"How could she think that I loved her? She, a pony, and me, a human being!"

The orchestra begins to play another song as Bob begins to sing

"How could she love me?

How could she care?

Why did I scold her?

It isn't faaaaaair!"

"I was never truly loved, a single day in my life,

But then one love did come, and I treated her with strife!"

"Why was I so foolis-

"Cut! Cut! Hold everything! I thought I was reading a comedy, not some cliche ship fic between an anti-brony and Pinkie Pie!"

But it had to be done at some poi-

"No! No! It's horrible! I hate it! Where's the director?"

The who?

"The director, you idiot! I need to see who's responsible for making this deeply woven comedy with a message, into a courtly love inspired retelling of beauty and the beast!"

...Well, I'm certainly not the... ahem... director. Not at all...

"Well, where is he then?"

...You know what? Why don't we move on with the story. In fact, why don't you pick off from where the story left off, hm?

Silence.

"Fine, I'll start up this story again. Now, where were we? Ah, yes, Bob is using his refusal skills to combat Pinkie Pie's irresistibly positive attitude. Ahem."

~ ~ ~

An Anti-Brony Goes to Equestria.

"Pinkie Pie, I don't think you understand." I continued, trying to reason with this... sadistic, pink pony, "That train is pink, and has heart-shaped windows."

"Yep!" Pinkie responded, "just like it always does! Gotta love that train!"

"Pinkie Pie. I am a male. And because I am a male, I cannot physically get on that train." I put simply.

Maybe she'd just leave the topic alone after I said that. Maybe she'd "get the message."

But no. Not Pinkie Pie.

"Pff! Well of course you can get on that train, goofy!

Oh no, it looks like she's about to break into son-

"It's not very far, just move your little rump! You can make it if you try with a hop, skip, and jump!

A hop, skip, and jump! Just move your little rump! A hop, skip, and jump!"

"Pinkie..."

"A hop, skip, and jump! Just move your little rump!"

"Pinkie..."

"A hop, skip, and jump! A hop, skip, and jump! A hop, skip and-"

"A HOP, SKIP, AND JUMP MY ASS, PINKIE PIE! I AM NOT, IN THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT, EVER, EVER, EVER, GOING TO STEP HOOF...erm... FOOT, ON THAT TRAIN! EVER!"

What they don't tell you in health education is, that if you refuse to get on a pink, girly train in the middle of Equestria, then Pinkie Pie will encourage you to try one of her "Rainbow Cupcakes," which is actually a cupcake with chloroform frosting, which will knock you out when you smell/eat it.

Just kidding, I was just being myself and cracking sick jokes about these girly ponies so that I can survive here. Knocking other ponies out with chloroform cupcakes is probably the last thing on Pinkie's mind right now.

Although, she was torturing me by literally tearing, hacking, and cutting off my masculinity by practically forcing me to get on this hellish train. Rest assured, nothing could possibly be more disturbing and frightening than being mutilated of your very identity as a male.

How did Pinkie Pie convince me to get on this train? Don't ask. Please.

Out of agonized boredom, I looked over at Pinkie Pie, who was sitting across from me in the train car. Her eyes were closed in happy half-circles as she bounced up and down in her chair in excitement (probably because she had the opportunity to show me around Equestria, since I was brand new here and all), and with every bounce, there was this "boingy" sound which came from her. I have no idea where that sound was coming from, but knowing this pony, it seemed like anything could happen.

I looked away at the train car window, imagining it without the bright blue, partly cloudy sky, and with dark rainclouds instead. I imagined raindrops, slowly trailing down the heart-shaped windowpane. That's how it always was in horrible movies where the protagonist was trapped in some prison camp far, far away from home. Yes, I was not in a prison camp, but honestly, I may as well have been in one. A prison camp decorated with pink hearts, balloons, and bright blue tents, along with big, moist, sweet slices of cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, with prison guards who wore smiles plastered on their faces, with happiness everywhere, including dancing and singing galore.

"This pony's trying to kill me..." I grumbled, my fuzzy forehead thudding against the window in deprived, tortured, drawn out agony.

Maybe thinking about Ruth again would brighten things up a little.

I had been having a relationship with Ruth for a little while before she dumped me. To sum it all up, we had more bumps than pleasure cruises as far as our time together had gone. I was always the sexist, the pervert, and the angry one, according to her. Honestly, I could go ahead and justify all three of those on the spot; and I did, too. I wasn't a sexist, the man is always just ahead of things is all; I wasn't perverted, I was just following my instincts; and as for being angry, I had enough problems with my life, and being angry is just the product of all that - it's was a part of me. Of course, she didn't buy any of that. She'd always say that we're all human beings on the same level, and no one's ahead of anyone; she'd say that if that was my idea of what's natural, then she didn't want to have anything to do with me; and finally, she said that the problems in my life don't force me to be a certain way. I always hated how everything she said had this ring of truth to them - it made me feel like I was being rebuked or something.

But besides the nitpicking, we had little sparks of happiness together which had made us want to try and make the relationship work. I remember the time that we went to the zoo together. I surprised Ruth one day by telling her I had bought tickets for us to go and see the different animals which would be exclusively shown that day only. I knew Ruth would love the trip because of her love for animals, and when she heard about the tickets I had bought, she was more than excited. When we had went to the zoo that day, it was one of... those days. You plan on going someplace special, hoping for beautiful weather, but it turns out to be cold, damp, and cloudy. We went to the zoo anyway, since I'd already bought the tickets, and we'd only be wasting them if we didn't use them. We brought our jackets with us to keep us warm as we walked around the zoo, seeing the big cats first. After the big cats, we went to see the bears, the apes, and the swamp exhibit, and the ocean exhibit. Finally, we went to see the limited time showing of the animals which had been brought to the zoo, which had consisted of tropical birds, lizards, and other forest creatures. In the end, we were on our way out when Ruth noticed something in our map of the zoo - an equine exhibit.

Ruth. Loved. Equines.

Personally, I thought it was funny. "You're a girl, and you like horses? You don't say!" I joked, referencing the meme, but she was serious. Apparently she grew up in a family which had a house next to a stable, where they took care of horses, ponies, and mules. In fact, it was a family business, taking care of the animals, treating wounded animals, and selling them to caring owners. Then she started to talk about all these facts about horses that I didn't know about, like "did you know that ponies and horses are not the same species?" and "did you know mules come from the procreation of female horses and male donkeys?". As she kept going on and on, I could tell she was very passionate about horses. Needless to say, we went to see the equine exhibit. Although I went into the exhibit feeling skeptical about liking any of it, I found that equines were pretty interesting animals once I gave them a chance.

Thinking about the predicament I was in now, I realized how good times had been back then.

And you know... I think I could have been better.

As the train's brakes started to screech, my train of thought was broken. I realized that my face had been planted on the windowpane this whole time.

"We're here! Get up sleepyhead!"

"I wasn't sleepi-oof! Ugh! Ow! Pinkie-agh! I'm not sleep-oof! Agh!"

Pinkie Pie took me off guard with how she suddenly started shaking me back and forth at inhuman cartoon speeds, causing me to blur, and causing me to hit my head on the windowpane over and over.

I swear, if this Pinkie Pie doesn't give me a headache by the end of today, then I'll fry my eyes out with pointer lasers.

"We've made it to the Rambling Rock Ridge! See?"

I looked out the window to see a barren wasteland with rolling hills and patches of tall shrubs. Actually, with the contrast between the ridge and the bright blue sky, what would have looked like a place where things die, actually looked pretty inviting. But it was still gay.

I sighed with a sigh which said "I don't care," which Pinkie Pie didn't seem to notice.

As we trotted out of the train car (thank Celestia I'm out of there) I soon found myself standing on a wooden deck, kind of like what you'd see at yellowstone park. Apparently, the deck itself was the loading and unloading platform for the train, since it was the only wooden platform to be seen. Anywhere.

Pinkie Pie started doing that boingy thing again while she bounced (I still don't know how she does that) while I looked around at the different ponies on the deck, out of agonized boredom. A few male and female ponies stood around, with either travel bags or briefcases sitting next to them. They all looked colorful and different, except for two of them, who were even more different from the rest.

I could tell that they were male, judging by the shape of their muzzle in comparison to the other male ponies. One of them was wearing a black beret, a red cape, and what appeared to be a vest hidden underneath it. Oh, and he also had a burnt orange coat with a lime green mane, and pegasus wings.

Second stallion (or colt, whatever they are) was taller than the first one, and wore what was some kind of pirate hat, as well as a suit which fit the whole pirate look that he had. This pony had a silvery coat with a deep blue mane.

I knew I never saw them before, but I didn't realize Pinkie hadn't either. The instant she saw them, her eyes went wide, she gasped, and she suddenly burred out of sigh, transforming into a pink streak, until she suddenly stopped right in front of both of the two characters.

"Ooh! Ooh! I'veneverseeneitherofyouponiesbefore! Areyounewtoequestria?"

The two colts looked at each other, confused, before looking back at Pinkie.

"Yeah, we've been here before." the colt with the beret stated.

"And no, we haven't." added the colt with the pirate hat.

I trotted up to the two ponies, since there was nothing else to do, before sitting on the ground and looking at the both of them, resent building up in myself that I was actually involved in a conversation with these cute, girly ponies.

"...So what're your names?" Pinkie Pie responded, after blanking out for a moment after the two colt's reply.

"Puck," the colt with the beret replied, "the only magic pegasus!"

"Quirk," the colt with the pirate hat replied, "captain of the S.S.Aweship."

"Sounds gay." I spat.

"Sounds cool!" Said Pinkie Pie

"Sounds awesome!" Said Phil. Wait. PHIL?!?!

Turns out, Phil and Twilight had also been on the train (don't ask me why, I have no idea why) with us the whole time.

I cannot express the rage in my little pony heart at Phil at that very moment.

"Phil? Why are YOU here?!?!"

"After that talk we had back at the library, me and Twilight thought it would be good for us to be here with you, since you're new in town."

Then he crouched down low, and whispered in my ear.

"Don't worry, we completely understand about your name problem."

"I DON'T HAVE A FUCKIN' NAME PROBLEM, BITCH!" I shouted, losing my temper.

"That's not a very nice thing to say, Meanie Pants," Puck teased.

"MY NAME IS NOT FUCKIN' MEANIE PANTS!" I howled.

"No, its' not Fuckin' Meanie Pants," Puck assured me.

I felt a little better.

"It's Meanie Pants, of course," Puck finished.

Now I felt like slugging Puck.

"Alright everypony, let's calm down, and stop talking about Pants." Twilight announced, before turning to me and asking, "Is that alright? If we just call you Pants?"

I grumbled indiscernible cuss words at her which were so vile, my mother would spray drain cleaning fluid down my throat if she heard them.

"Besides, we need to get back to business," proclaimed Quirk (erm, Captain Quirk).

"What business is that?" Twilight asked.

Captain Quirk cleared his throat, then began.

"Me and my skipper Puck here were scavenging the Ridge for valuables, when diamond dogs came and purged us of our own valuables. Namely, a special treasure which we cannot afford to lose. We've been scanning the Ridge for some time now, but with no sign of them."

"What treasure was it?" Twilight asked.

"A gay treasure." I deadpanned.

"A transfiguration artifact."

My eyes went wide (in a cute pony way. eugh) when he said that.

"Trasfigurwhooda?" Pinkie asked.

"A transfiguration artifact," Puck answered, "ponies can use it to turn into any creature they want to, and back if they like."

"A transfiguration artifact..." I mumbled, hope filling my dreams.

If I could get that transfiguration artifact, then I could change myself back to a human! I'd be saved! And look, Phil's stuck here in the Rumbling Rock Ridge, following me when he could have been working on fixing the parallel universe projector! Aha! Victory may be mine yet! If I can just get my hooves on that transfiguration artifact, I'd be home free!

"Whoohoo!" I shouted in euphoria.

The other ponies stared at me awkwardly after my little "shout of glee" episode there.

"I mean, uh, transfiguration artifact, right..." I said.

"Of course, those diamond dogs are too dull to comprehend how to use the transfiguration artifact, therefore it is highly unlikely that they will be able to use it. As a result, there is no threat to Equestria on account of the fact that these diamond dogs could theoretically become draconiqi. Nevertheless, we must investigate the area, and retrieve the transfiguration artifact, at once."

"Ooh! Ooh! Can we help?" Pinkie chimed.

"If that transfiguration artifact can really do what you say it can, then I really don't want to think about what those diamond dogs would do with. I'll help you get it back." Twilight said.

"I know I'm not a pony, but... If it means saving Equestria, I'm totally game for it," said Phil.

Then they all stared at me. Of course they did. As if I even had a choice in the matter.

I didn't really care, though. If I could get my hands on that transfiguration artifact, then I could change back to a human, punch Phil, and finish repairing the parallel universe projector.

"Suuuuuuurrrrreeeee," I said casually (possibly slyly), "I'll heeellp yooouuu."

"Fantastic!" Quirk responded enthusiastically, "with more of us together, I have a new plan!"

"What plan is that?" Twilight asked.

"We can spread out and search the diamond dog's hideout." Quirk announced, "With only me and Puck, it would have taken an eon to find the transfiguration artifact. But with all four of you, looking for the artifact will be expedited expediently!"

Honestly, a difference of four people... erm, ponies... didn't seem like much to me, but... oh well.

Within minutes, we were out in the ridge and in a small valley where there were about fifty holes scattered around here and there. In seconds after that, we stood at our holes, gave a wave to each other, and ventured forth into the deep, dark tunnels.

Which smelled like. Well. Dogs.

As I kept crawling deeper and deeper, it got darker and darker. That is, until sparkles and glimmers in the tunnel walls began to illuminate the confined space I was in. Those sparkles and glimmers, were gemstone shards.

Alright, so that was a little cool, tunnels lit up by light refracted by multicolored gemstone shards. But it was still gay.

After about... say... thirty minutes of this crawling in tunnels, I started to get a little frustrated. No, scratch that. Very frustrated. I wasn't finding the transfiguration artifact. Sure, I didn't expect this to be easy, just I expected that, well... I dunno.

That aside, I started to get even more frustrated at the thought of one of the others finding the artifact first. If somepony else found it first, then I wouldn't have the chance to use it to turn back to a human, which would spell failure for my secret, devious plight to beat Phil at his game. And if I failed my plight to stop Phil, then I'd be stuck in Equestria forever for sure.

"Dammit!" I shouted, stomping the ground. Then I started jumping up and down, causing dirt to fall from the ceiling, while I closed my eyes tight, and started to yell "Dammit! Sonofabitch! Dammit! DammitDammitDammit! Dammit!"

I opened my eyes. I was looking at another pair of eyes.

Another pair of eyes, owned by a grey, dog-like animal wearing clothing that made me think of the guy named Chico at the MotoLube I took my hummer to the other day. I still think Chico ruined my radio on purpose so that I'd have to get it fixed by him. Again.

"What're you doing here, pony!" the dog demanded.

"Out of my way." I scowled, trying to push past him.

Instead of me passing him, he hopped back and stretched his arms out to the wall, blocking my path.

"You can't pass 'till you tell me what you're doing here, pony!" he said again.

That's it. No dog was gonna push me around.

"You wanna know what I'm doing here?"

"What do you think I want?"

"You really want to know?"

"Stop playing with me, pony!"

"Well here's what I'm doing here!" I said sarcastically, as I socked him in the face with my hoof, leaving a mark on his girly-tv-show-doggie-face.

"Agh!" he grunted from the punch.

"You want more? You want a piece of me?" I said, banging my hooves on my chest and advancing on him like the gangster I was.

"Ah, dangit! What're you crazy-oof!" he said, before I slugged him before he could finish.

"You want to know what I'm doing here? Do you? I've been trapped in a little girl's tv show, and in a pony body, and you want to know what I'm doing here? Well I'm the diamond dog terminator, bitch!" I shouted.

The diamond dog ran away pretty quickly, more out of bewilderment than anything. Feeling like I was cooling off from that diamond dog's sass, I looked around to get my bearings. Tunnel? Check. Gemstone shards? Check. Suspicious looking tablet? Check. Wait. What?

Just beside where the diamond dog was standing, was an old-looking rock tablet with some strange inscription on it. Except for the bottom of it, where my pony mind was somehow able to interpret it as saying "transfiguration artifact: no refunds."

I clunked my hooves together with glee before trotting up to the tablet and examining it for myself. Let's see... there were two triangles on the tablet, where your front forelegs (or hooves) would supposedly go. Above that was an old-timey rhyme. I guessed that that was what you were supposed to say in order to make it work. And above that was a circle with five holes in it, evenly spaced, with one circle in the middle which was connected to the other circles by a line for each; like a wheel and spokes. Had no idea what that was for.

Licking my lips with maniacal anticipation, I placed my hooves on the two different triangles. I opened my mouth, and began to recite the rhyme, and suddenly-

"Meanie Pants, you found it!"

My blood went cold at the sound of Puck's voice. Oh no, he was not ruining this.

"Found what?" I said obliviously.

"The transfiguration artifact!" He responded.

"Oh, this thing?" I asked.

"Yeah, that thing."

"Yeah, well... Finder's keepers, Puck."

"...What?"

"Yep," I said confidently, wagging the tablet in Puck's face,"haven't you heard of finder's keepers? Since I found it, it's mine."

"...You can't do that!"

"Well I just did."

"Pants," Twilight objected, as she seemed to suddenly appear in the scene, "the tablet doesn't belong to you!"

"Well it does now!" I said selfishly, raising my voice in aggravation.

"C'mon, Pants, give it back." Phil said. Now Phil was in the same little cavern I was in?

"Alright, where are you all coming from?" I objected, feeling more than confused.

"We heard you using foul language," replied Quirk, "and then we heard a scuffle. We went to the sound of the fight as soon as was timely."

Dammit.

"Alright, listen, this is my transfiguration artifact," I said, hugging the tablet close to me, "and I'm gonna use it!"

"But it doesn't belong to you, Pants," Twilight encouraged, "we know you had a rough childhood, but-"

"This has nothing to do with my fucking childhood!" I screamed.

"Of course it has nothing to do with your fucking childhood." Puck assured.

"Thanks, Puc-"

"It just has to do with your childhood."

I threw the tablet on the ground at my feet in rage, then started stomping the ground in a tantrum.

"Pants, you can give it back, we believe in you." Twilight cooed

"You have a spark of generosity in your heart, don't you Pants?" Phil asked.

They all started looking at me with these big, watery eyes. No. NOT THE EYES! NOT THE EYES! Wait, where's Pinkie Pie?

I looked down to see Pinkie Pie poking out of the ground, wearing a mole costume with whiskers drawn onto her face by a marker. She had big, pleading eyes too.

The sadness was painful - it was torture.

Breaking out in tears, I slowly inched the tablet forward towards Puck. Slowly. Giving it. Back.

"Thank you, Pants." Twilight said.

"Thank you," confirmed Quirk.

"That was very big-hearted of you, Pants," Phil assured.

"Thanks, Meanie Pants," Puck said

Pinkie Pie didn't say anything, she just hugged me. In a fuzzy, cuddly, cute kind of way-oh mother of mary why am I enjoying this? WHYYYYYYYY!!!!! NONONONOOOOOOO

Then they all broke out singing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" as they carried me out of the tunnel and back to the train in victory, while I started crying, with tears shooting out of my eyes like garden hoses.