This is why we can't have nice things
ParaDox; The story of how I became Derpy
*Ding Ding*
*Ding Ding*
*DING DING*
The green display reads 3:45.
“Gah Stupid alarm clock!” I knocked the alarm clock to the floor, It pisses me off every morning. I got up, and practically dragged myself to the bathroom, my hair a disheveled mess. I grabbed the brush and stared blankly at the mirror. Blonde.
I.
Was.
Blonde.
How could I be blonde? Then I looked down to my outstretched arm, my arm was growing grey fur. Tiny little grey furs all along my skin. Beginning to feel weak, like everything about me was crumbling, I tried to get a grip on what was happening... but before I could even scream, I blacked out.
***
“And that’s all I can remember.” I said nervously to my computer. I would not look directly at the webcam, as I had laid down on my stomach with the laptop in front of me. It felt incredibly awkward, but it was comfortable. “When I woke up, I was Derpy. It wouldn’t surprise me, It didn’t surprise me, I guess.”
I paused, and took a deep breath, looking around the empty house as I did.
“The funny part is, my name is Danielle. Derpy, Danielle.... Nevermind.” I choked on my words. “I bet you're wondering about the voice, It surprised me too.” Strangely, I had a British accent with a hint of scottish in there somewhere. “I know this may seem odd, but I’m looking for a ride. To New York, that is.” That was stupid, why did I say that?
“Wish me the best of luck, I’m off to test these bad boys!” I flicked up my wings. “I can’t just sit here. Goodbye everyone!” I stopped recording. That will have to do. I uploaded the video to youtube and sat up.
Wait, doesn’t Derpy have vision problems? I made my way to my closet, in a small bin was my old halloween costumes. I picked up the old pirate costume with my mouth. “Tis Eth patcth shoth doth!” I mumbled with the fabric in between my teeth. The eye patch was blue and faded, but it worked.
After a lot of awkward maneuvering, the eyepatch was on. This offered a less distorted view of my room, but only served to remind me that, if someone else was around, they could have helped me. Before flight practice, I decide to check for replies on my video. I grabbed a blue scarf and managed to wrap it around my neck, and then walked over to my laptop. As I searched my room for a pencil to use as an impromptu finger, I finally learned that I had sat on it with my “buns of steel”. It was a worthless row of shattered splinters now.
“OH COME ON!”
Now how am I supposed to do this? I looked at my poor computer, then at my hooves. I can always buy a new one, right?
---One Hour Later---
After going through a broken keyboard and an endless flame war about whether I was “best pony” and what-not, I came upon a single comment about someone offering to go along with me followed by a extremely long sob-story about him becoming Octavia.
Sweet Celestia that must be terrible...
“I better reply to him, now where did I put my- oh” I gave a long lasting look at the wreckage of splinters upon my bed.
I fell backwards on my bed, landing on the fluffiness of comfort that was my blanket.
Hold on, I have a pen on my nightstand! Wow, what a derp.
To my left, was the holy grail of writing utensils.
I grabbed the pen with my mouth, and proceeded to slowly typing my response to the poor fellow
Uh, hey, um, I’m kinda in the same predicament that you are.
Anyways, I’ve become a pony too, Octavia, to be exact. I was kind of hoping I could go with you to New York. I feel that going alone would drive me insane. Just let me tell you, being a pony sucks. I bet that you’ve only been one for two, maybe three hours. Though I’ve only been one of ...them... for 8 hours, I can tell you it’s hell. Just, let me come along with you.
Dear ‘Tavi,
Thank you so much for the offer, I truly have nothing better to do and I think this could still be fun.We can meet up at that ice cream place; ColdStone #20392. I heard a girl who apparently got turned to Fluttershy is going to New York. Anyhow, I think we might be able to join her. So, watcha say? Ready for an adventure?
~Derpy
P.S. I have an eyepatch now, eyepatches are cool!
Done!
“Now all I need to do is learn how to-”
crunch
That was the sound of my face ‘hugging’ the floor. I rubbed my snout with my hoof, it was sticky with...blood?
Great, I just gave Derpy a nose-bleed!
A low chuckle rumbled through the air around me as a familiar shape seemed to climb out of the very floor.
“Oh this almost makes this little detour worth it.” Discord said darkly. “Organizing a little get together, are we?” He sneered. “We can’t have that. Oh my, it looks like I don’t even have to do anything.” He points at the laptop on the ground, a crack running across the screen. “You managed to do my work for me. Delicious. Have a wonderful week my dear. You’ve got an awful long one coming up.”
“Wait!” I scream at Discord, my nose still bleeding.
The spirit of Chaos paused. “Yeees, little muffin?” he purred, turning back towards me.
“ Why are you doing this to me?”
He leaned in with a disturbing smile. “Because I can,” he said, booping my nose before turning to a cloud of smoke and blowing away in a sudden breeze that blew through my room.
“I just don’t know what went wrong!” I whimper, looking down at the broken laptop.
Note by ThatOneRandomPony~
I wrote all the lines that Octavia said or corresponded to.
Hoozah!
Check out my story about me waking up as Octavia here.
My chapter will be released soon to be seen from Octavia’s point of view.
So yep. Bet you can’t wait to read that, can you?
Hurhur
~ThatOneRandomPony
-~
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” I scream at the broken computer, even after the dust is long gone.
Shit. Not good.
I walk forward to the door, grasping onto the handle with my mouth. The cold metal leaves the worst aftertaste in my mouth.
*click*
As I opened the door, I can see a sticky wall of duct-tape staring back at me through the doorframe.
I hate Discord so freaking much.
I look around the room, frantically searching for an exit.
Then, something catches my eye.
The window.
“This is the worst day of my life.” I whimper, knowing this can’t end well.
I walk towards the window, hating Discord even more as I take a careful look out the second story window at the world.
He planned this, didn’t he? I think to myself with a scowl as I open the window.
I jump out the window, taking gracefully to the air for about half a second before gravity remembers it doesn’t like me and that, in some time long past, I must have insulted it’s mother.
The deceptively fluffy bush is not really fluffy at all. It is sort of like landing on a pile of sticks. Scratch that, after landing on it that is what it really is.
I drag myself off the pile of sticks and leaves.
I rotate my wings, checking to see if they actually work. I start to run, why am I running? I take a few jumps off the ground and start to flap my wings. I am flying! I think to myself happily.
Holy shit, I’m flying!
That was about when I flapped at the wrong time and hit the ground, rolling ten feet into the base of a tree.
Talent.
I take a look around, I see my neighbor staring at me. Mr. Fern was an elderly neighbor of mine who used to be in the navy. He was fairly old and scared all the kids in the neighborhood when he showed off his false teeth.
Mr. Fern finally stopped staring when he realized I was looking at him and waved. “Good morning, little pony.” He said in his dusty old voice, before turning and walking back inside.
Well that was extremely out of character.
On that side note, I lifted off, and started flying towards the ice cream shop.
***
I see a gray and black pony walk into the store, carrying a bag full of CocaCola and Graham crackers, as well as a satchel strapped across her body.
“Er, Derpy?” She asks, staring at my face.
“ TAVI!!!!” I say, as I run up to the gray mare knocking her to the ground.
“Oh, please! Get a hold of yourself!” she says, as she desperately tries to wench me from her.
“Oh, sorry about that. I have had the craziest day.” I say, slightly blushing.
“You and me both” She mumbles to herself, rolling her eyes
“We need to talk some serious biz” I say getting in line for some ice cream.
“You mean like getting to New York and setting this thing out? Yeah I think so.” She says, and pauses for half a second. “Can you get me a single-scoop chocolate, please? I have money”
“Sure, anything mixed in?” I ask, staring at all the gummy bears and other various toppings.
“No, thank you. Maybe some Oreos if they have them, but nothing more.” She says, as she pulls out her laptop.
“Okay, suit yourself...” I say, turning to the cashier.
“Can I have a mint ice cream mixed with sprinkles in a love it size, and a chocolate mixed with oreos in a like it size?” I say, as the cashier looked at me in confusion.
“Er, Okay” the cashier started to mix the ice cream, still confused at the talking ponies that just entered the store.
“Lets see here... New york is a around 2500 miles from here... flight costs... Taxis...” I hear Octavia mumble in the background, while I wait for the sweet dairy treats.
“Let me see the laptop for a bit once we get our ice cream, kay?”
“No offence, but, no.” She said, flatly, staring at the bright screen.
“Why?” I stare at the grey earth pony. All hell is going to break lose...
Because I don’t want your hands all over it. Er, hooves. I guess.” She replies, snappy.
“I’m not going to break it, just calm down ‘Tavi” I say, controlling my anger.
This poor child has never been to the ghetto, has he? Or she, I guess. Whatever.
When I was younger, my school was in the middle of the ghetto. I was the awkward white girl with a lot of ‘tude. It was a very strange time for me filled with stress and girls in the locker room switching the lights on and off.
“Its not that I think you’re going to break it, I just don't trust you. I mean now that you’re Derpy, I’m not sure if there is any psychological changes or anything along those lines..” She said, still focused at the electronic screen.
“Oh jeez, you have to point that out little Ms.Snob” I say, trying to keep my anger at bay.
“Well it’s not my fault that you might be a... er... special... horse” She said, regretting the words that just poured out of her mouth.
“SPECIAL?! You have no idea of what you have just said, bitch.”
She shrunk back in her chair. Plus, I’m pretty sure people were staring.
“Do, uh, do you want to use my laptop?” She asked, not making eye contact.
“Yes, I would. Thank you” I grab the laptop and a pencil from Tavi and start to type.
**
“..And done!” I say, finishing my sentence and clicking enter.
“We are going to meetup with the ‘fluttershy’ girl in Kansas City, then we will drive together to New York.” I say, staring at the facebook messages. “You might also want to delete your internet history.”
“W..Why?” She asks, quietly. She’s still obviously shocked from earlier.
“I logged into my email and I don’t want to have it on your computer”
“Can't you just clear it?”
“Er, it’s your laptop” I say, shoving the laptop at Tavi.
“No, please, you do it. I’m eating.” She says, as she shoves the laptop back at me.
“Fine” I say, making that word stretch out for what seemed hours. I delete the history, and chang Tavi’s background to a picture of her eating ice cream.
As she grabs the laptop back, she stares at me.
“Where’s the original background image?” She asks, cold.
“It’s on file.”
“Where, though? Change it back. Now.”
“Find it yourself!”
“Change it back! You’re the one who switched it in the first place!”
“I don’t care! Your background was terrible anyways!”
“It was my room! The only scrap of memory I have back of home, Change it back!”
“You can always go back home!
“No, I can't. You don't understand!” She says as she rushes out of the door, leaving her ice cream on the table.
I start to chase after her
What was her problem?
“Wait up!” I say chasing after the grey mare running away from me.
She stops, and flips around towards me. Tears and bubbled around the base of her eyes. The expression she shown was a mix of sadness, and anger.
“What do you want?!” She screamed at me
“It’s okay, I’m sorry for what I said” I came near the crying young mare, she needed some caring.
“Just.. Just grab my things. I don't feel good when they’re left alone in a busy place like that.”
“Honey, what’s wrong? Things aren't going to get better if you don’t tell me.”
“Just grab it! I can't tell you if the constant fear of losing my last personal belongings is tearing me to bits”
I get up and trot back to the store. Grabbing the bag, I see Tavi’s unfinished ice cream melted.
Oh great
I go up to the counter again, and bought Tavi a new Ice cream.
“Here, have this,” I say, handing out Tavi’s new ice cream.
Instead, the gray mare stared at me, tears pouring down her cheeks. She showed a expression of pure sadness and confusion.
She said nothing, and just stared deeply into my eyes.
“Don’t want it to melt, do ya’?” I say, smiling at the crying mare.
“I don’t want ice cream. I want to die,” she says, obviously not moved by the tasty sugary treat.
“Now why would you want to do that? You have a full life ahead of you!”
“You mean a life full of lies? I mean my life itself isn’t so great! Vinyl and I-”
she said, before stopping abruptly. She stared deeply, a look of horror on her face. She cried even harder, burying her face into her arms.
“Honey, it's alright, we're in this together!” I hugged the poor mare, she was not only dealing with becoming a pony, but identity crisis as well.
“No, it’s not alright! How the hell can you help me?!” She screamed, yet, seemed slightly comforted by the hug.
“Shh, it’s alright.” She pulled away.
“No, it’s not. You can’t even help me!” she said, her voice trailing downward with every word.
“That’s why we’re going to New York.”
“But I will have gone crazy by then! I don’t even know who I am anymore!” She cried, this time, sounding more desperate than confused.
“Hey, aren’t we all crazy? I mean who else would be crazy enough to come all the way here just to meet up with me?”
“I only came here because I thought you could help me,” she said, pausing
“But you can’t.”
“The only way to get help is to help yourself.”
“How can I even do that? I don’t even know who I am anymore,” she said, staring down for what seemed like hours.
“How are we going to get to New York from here?” she asked, quietly.
“Walking, driving, flying...”
“Aaaand your point is?” she asked, rolling her head up to me.
“Hold on, come look at this..” I walk over to a small flyer posted on a wall.
“I dunwanna move,” she slurred, still lying in her cramped position. “What does it say?”
“Something about the... Lunar guard?” I grabbed the flyer and dropped it on Tavi.
“Ack!” She said, as she scrambled the poster away from her face. She studied the poster for a little bit longer than usual. “And, uh, your point is?”
“This interests me... where is it again?”
“Somewhere in California, er, or here. I guess. I don’t really care for it. Isn’t our main task to get to New York?”
“Oh Shush! Were going here first!” I say, dragging Tavi along by her bowtie. I could hear her make out a small audible yelp.
Octavia smacked my hoof away, and scootched back. “Your hypothesis is on the border of stupid. Actually, It’s already crossed the border, had children, so now it’s implanted in your America, uh, er, I mean mind!”
That is when my back hooves met Tavi’s face.
Octavia fell back, and a small trickle of crimson liquid came out of her nose.
“O-oh my god, are you alright?”
Octavia said nothing, and was as limp as a sack of muffins.
“D-did I just... hit Tavi? What is with me?” I say, slouching down.
A small peep comes out of Octavia’s lips. Her eyes open oh-so slightly.
I feel a slight nudge on my leg.
“Huh?!” I turn my head towards the limp body
“Where are we?” The now confused pony asks.
“Are you okay?”
She looks to her left, and notices a large truck hurl past on the road. She scoots all the way back to the wall.
“W...Where are we?!” She asks, her eyes full of horror, and confusion
“Er, near a Coldstone”
“B...but I don’t see any rocks near here.” She says as she looks around even more.
“Umm.. quick question, what is your name?” I say, staring at her with utmost confusion of what she just said.
“Octavia Philharmonica, why?” She replies, still shocked.
“Okay, do you know my name?” I stare at her.
“Ditzy Doo, or something like that.” She says, waving her hoof around in circles. “I don’t really hang out with ponies of your kind.”
“What do you mean by that?!”
“You’re a retarded horse, aren’t you?
“Excuse me, I’m not some retarded horse!” I scream at the shrew that laid before my eyes.
“Then what are you?” She asks in disgust.
“I’m myself, and I don’t need to take any bullshit from you.”
“Well, in that case I wouldn’t want to be near you so you can’t take bullshit from me!” She said, as she snobbly started to trot away
Right at that moment, a human just walked down the street. Octavia clenched to the side of the street in horror. The human reached for Octavia.
“Um.. sir, could you please let go of my imbecil of a friend?”
“I’m anything but your friend, retard!” Octavia yells back at me
“Oh shut up you moron! How dare you call me a retard, you think youre ‘Octavia’ of all things! We are on EARTH. Not Equestria, we live on EARTH! ” I scream at the pain in the ass that sat on the ground.
“W...what?” she asks, her eyes full of horror. She looks around in a panic, and starts to hyperventilate.
“It took you that long to notice?”
“B..but I was.. just in... I can’t..” She says as her eyes flitter down, and falls limp in the human’s arms
“Second time today” I murmured.
After a while, the bystander left and Octavia woke up.
“That would have had to have been the craziest dream...” She mumbles to herself as she opens her eyes, and not too soon after, they land on me
“No! Nonononono!”
“Good morning, pain in the ass”
“I want to be back in Equestria, now!” She screamed, having a temper tantrum
“If I could I would”
She actually started to tear up a bit, and stared me in the face.
“Where the hell are we?!”
“We are in Redding, you traveled here so we could meet up.”
“I most certainly did not!” She pouted back at me.
“Yeah, you did. You just don’t remember it.”
“How can I remember something I never did?” She scolds back. She mumbles something under her breath.
“Let me inform you on what is going on, people are turning into ponies.”
“What are... people?” She asks in confusion
“Er, humans. Remember the person who tried to pick you up? That was a human.”
“That... thing?” She asks, looking back.
“Uh, yea that thing was a human.”
She is silent for a while. “Why?” She asks, simply.
“Nobody knows, that’s why I’m taking you to New York”
“New What-now?” She asks, back on the confused boat.
“This big city, don’t ask”
“Like Canterlot?”
“Uh, more like Manehattan, but close”
“Wait, why are you here? Shouldn’t you be delivering mail?”
“I’m not Derpy, I don’t do that.”
“But you are, you’re right here, and you are you, aren’t you?
“My name is not Derpy, it’s Danielle. I’m glad to see that you're catching on.”
“Oh, so Derpy, er, Ditzy is just a nickname around ponyville?”
“T-that’s not my name”
“Yes it is”
“That’s not my name, Danielle is my name.”
She just stared at me with a dumbfounded look.
“I don’t understand...”
“I’m not Derpy, or Ditzy, or anything like that. I’m not a mail mare from Equestria or anything like that.”
“Then what are you?”
“I’m Danielle, thats who I am.”
“I think I'm starting to get this,” She says, pausing for a while. “but I’m Octavia, though.”
“Yea, I know that.” I rolled my eye.
“So what’s wrong?”
“This is what’s wrong: I shouldn’t be a pony.”
“Well why not? You were born in Ponyville, weren’t you?”
“No, I wasn’t. I was born here on earth.”
“But you’re a pony...”
“Since yesterday morning, people have been transforming into ponies.”
“Thats impossible!”
“Exactly!”
“So how is this happening?!” She asked, astonished. She peeped up not too soon after.
“Discord.”
“Eeyup”
“Am I... Is this reality?”
“Sadly...yes.”
“So... I think I’m starting to understand this.” She says as she slowly looks around.
“Where’s my cello?” She asks, coldly
“You..don’t have one”
“Yes I do. I always keep it with me.”
“Not...here”
“Yes I do.”
“This is another dimension, you became a pony yesterday, just as I did.”
“No I didn’t, and I need to know where my cello is!”
“What is the last thing that you remember?”
“Falling asleep”
“No, what do you remember?”
“I remember going to bed after a show, and falling asleep.”
“Dreams?”
“Uh, not really. I don’t dream much. Though, I did have a flashback in my dream, er, if that was the dream.”
“Dreams are messages from your brain to remind you what happened the day before. What was the flashback?”
“A fight.”
“Tell me more about this..fight.”
“It was between me and Vinyl... say, where is she?”
“I have no idea, she... kinda doesn’t exist here”
“She what? Thats just not possible!”
“This isn’t Equestria, this is America.”
“But, she still exists though”
“Not here, not yet. If you didn’t know, people have been turning into ponies.”
“Oh, yeah right. I guess it’s not that bad, though.”
“You need to watch the news.”
“How do I watch news?”
“By using a T.V., imagine tiny flashing lights making pictures.”
“W...What? Like a photograph?”
“Eeyup” I said, doing my best Big Mac impression.
“You irritate me on so many levels”
“Well sorry for trying to help”
“How are you helping?”
“Thats not the point, now is it?” She replied back, after thinking for a bit
“I hope you get hit by a bus!”
“Well I’ve rather had enough of this,” Octavia says as she stands up “I wish the same for you, too.” She said as she started to walk away
“I wouldn’t go running out if I were you!”
“And why’s that?”
“How stupid are you?”
“I would very much like to ask the same towards you”
“Okay then, have you ever seen a ipod?”
“A what now? A ‘Eye-Pod’?”
“Exactly!”
“How is that relevant to what we’re in right now?”
“It’s dangerous to walk in a world you know nothing about.”
“And we’re in this so called ‘America’ now, right?”
“Yes, do I need to give you a map?”
“I think I can make it through here without a map, thank you.”
“Actually.. you can’t. Doing that is just like asking to be stuck in the middle of nowhere!”
“Well if I get lost I can ask for some help, right?”
“From who?”
“Any of these walking two-leggers, thats who!” She says, turning around, and smacking face-on into a large telephone poll
“Great...” I sighed, “Tavi, are you okay?”
“Owowowow!” She said, clenching her nose
“Okay.. that answered my question..”
“My nose! Or, snout, whatever! Is-is it broken?” She asks, awkwardly trying to show me her snout
“Nope, not that I can see.”
“Frack! Then why does it sting so much?!”
“It might be... bleeding.” I gave an awkward smile. “I guess I have to take you to the Doctor, huh?”
Octavia stares at her hoofs before clenching them back to her snout, “Damnit! Thats the third nosebleed in the past two days! Where’s the nearest doctor, anyways?” She asks, her voice snuffled from the blocked airflow in her nose
“Uh.. I think there is one over by Coldstone...”
“Well we’re about 10 feet from it, dummy” She says, still clenching her nose
“Uh, I have Derpy’s brain...”
That’s insulting!
“I think I can tell from the, uh, slow thoughts you are having
“Hold on, did you hear that?”
“Hear what?”
“I heard Derpy’s.. voice..”
Oh, me?
***
While leading Octavia to a place to get some care, I figured it would be best to go to a veterinarian clinic, though, she wasn’t very fond of the idea of being treated as an animal.
Entering the building, it held a bit of the same monotone sanitation feeling as a standard medical center. The waiting room was pretty much right through the door, thankfully, although I could have done without the tile floor making my hooves click every time I took a step.
As we walked in, we got a few weird looks and one... hug from a guy named Fred.
“How about getting some help, Derpy?” She asked, still clenching her snout
“Shh, I’m filling out the paperwork!” I retaliated, attempting to write with my mouth.
“But it hurts like living hell!” She said, almost too loud for comfort
“Then you fill it out!” I screamed at Tavi, hoofing her the pen and clipboard.
Octavia kicked away the clipboard from my hoofs “You think I can do that when I’m holding my nose?!” She screamed back
“Perhaps I can help.” Said a kind feminine voice to my side.
“Oh! Um.. hello.” I gave her my nervous smile, did she hear all of that?
“So, your nose hurts, right?” Says the lady as she kneels down and takes the paperwork. “Looks like some minor blunt force trauma. We’ll get this paperwork filled out and get you in for some scans just in case there’s damage to any hard tissue that we can’t see, okay? Should be nothing to worry about.”
“Thanks Miss...” I looked at her nametag. “Thanks miss Sarah J. Smith.”
“Can we just get this over with?” Asked Tavi, obviously not in a good mood.
“Sure, Ms. Phillimonica, right this way. We’ll clean up the bleeding and get those scans.”
Once Octavia left, I was all alone with Fred. Today is going to be a long day.
Author's Note
I'm so sorry this took so long! But I'm back, and I will try to put out as many chapters as I can! I would like to thank Tome for playing Sarah J. Smith, I owe you a hug.
