It had been half a week since Celestia and her youngest daughter had returned from Canterlot. The moon was high in the skies, subject to the gaze of the humbly disguised alicorn of the sun as she pondered on how she had failed the nocturnal orb's mistress.
Again.
Cool water tickled her legs, slowly draining the heat from her body as she sat upon her favorite inflatable raft. Her home, her real home far from the bustle of Canterlot bordered the Lower Ponyville Lake. Well, near enough to it, sitting atop a twelve hoof tall bluff, with a small staircase she had hammered into the rock leading down the sheer cliff onto the sandy beach below. They had built a small pier over the years, perfect for jumping into the crisp and cold water to sharpen somepony's mind, even if nopony had ever tied a boat up to it.
And there she was, drifting a few yards from their pier on her little inflatable raft, watching her oldest da- her 'sister' put out her masterpiece out once more for all to see.
Granted, none of the stars were real. It was all a grand illusion, painted against the skies far from Equuis. Without one of the alicorns working to paint the night, the skies would be a featureless grey-blue mist dimly lighting the world, with only a few dots of the outer planets to illuminate the void. Their home system was deep in an enshrouding nebula, hidden away safely from the galaxy. The illusions of the night skies were built from the old star charts she had obtained from the Enkindlers before her failure had gotten them all killed.
Huh. All she was was one great big illusion after another, wasn't she? Her brilliant statesmareship and policy? Most of it didn't even belong to her, but instead was the work of her subordinates. What little she could claim was due to sheer dumb luck.
Hay, she couldn't even refer to Luna right, even if it was a conscious decision. At least through sheer audacity and obscurity the alicorn of the night could get away with addressing her elder companion with the proper honorifics. Nopony spoke Old Equish anymore, so nopony would know. And she couldn't even get started on Scootaloo.
SPLOOOOOOOSH!
Celestia jerked away from her thoughts; triple tying off the illusion spread around her of her orange-furred commoner counterpart and cover for her daughter. She couldn't take the risk of it all unraveling in battle. The sound had to have come from her left, but there were no signs of her stalker other than the massive ripples of it's plunge. She tensed up, pulling her legs out of the water and onto her raft.
Just in time, too, as something just below the surface rubbed against her shin as she ripped it from the water. Her head swiveled about as she inspected the water. Nothing was visible, the early evening moonlight was still weak enough that the water remained as black as the skies..
Whatever it was rose up beneath the rubbery inflated lounging raft, deforming it and pushing it up for a moment before it sank back into the depths once more. Water swirled all around her, a pointed triangular fin rising up from the ink. A shark! A shark in the Ponyville Lake!?
The fin turned away from her, slipping down into the water once more, letting the lake surface grow calm and glassy in the windless evening.
With no wind to stir up waves, and only the gentle bubble and gurgle of water swishing around her float and pier, it was almost silent. The only interruption was the output from the tiny creek on the Apple side of the property line a few dozen yards down the shore. The solar diarch stretched out her hearing, listening for the sound of the shark swimming beneath the surf- oh. Oh dear. Well then, that wasn't what she was expecting.
The fin surfaced at range, turning about to make another run on the diarch. Dutifully, she played her part while snickering under her breath. "Shark! Help me, Help Me!"
She waited for the last possible second, waiting until it was only a few hooves away before snapping out her unshod legs into the water. The waterlogged orange and purple miniature menace was lifted out of the water, her legs still dog-paddling for speed while held in place. The dorsal fin was strapped to her back, and little flipper shoes were tied to each of her legs.
"Well now, look at this! I caught a flying fish, and I didn't even have to use a net!" The alicorn sat up, kissing Scootaloo on the nose with tender love. At least she had gotten just one thing right.
Scootaloo spat out the mouthpiece of the snorkle that was integrated into the fin so she could stick her tongue out, still reflexively dog-paddling. Adopting something between a hurt scowl and a pout, Celestia mock-complained back at her daughter. "Oh my, such a rude fish! Maybe I should mount her on my mantle to keep her from turning all the other fish rude!"
"But how could I apply hugs, then?" Scootaloo squirmed in her mother's grasp, reaching forward with her dripping hooves. Her hindlegs kicked the air as her wings buzzed to try and push her into hugging range.
Celestia's laugh giddily rang through the night as she pulled Scootaloo closer for a hug. "Oh dear, my fishie is confused and thinks it's an octopus!"
Scootaloo waited with practiced patience for a moment, squeezing free of her mother's grasp with a twist and a lunge. Falling on her mother's chest, she knocked the wind out of the disguised alicorn, giving her precious moments to act. She crawled out from under Celestia's forehooves until she laid atop her mother's belly. "Wow, you're huge!" Her hoof undelicately poked the soft gut of the solar diarch cheekily.
"Did you just call me fat?"
"But... if you're huge, that means you need HUGE hugs!" Scootaloo pounced forwards, grabbing her mother tightly around the neck before nuzzling and murring into her fur. "Glomp and cuddle!"
"No! Not the dreaded... Cuddlefish! Save yourselves! It's sickeningly sweet venom is already rotting my teeth and expanding my waistline!" Celestia mock-shuddered, taking a deep breath to exaggerate her paunch for Scootaloo's amusement. She clutched her throat, pretending to foam at the mouth in the middle of a sugar-overdose seizure before she limply flopped outwards. She let her limbs float atop the water along with her head, sticking out her tongue as she closed her eyes tight.
Scootaloo giggled again, wondering when her mom had been replaced by Pinkie Pie. She let go of her mom's neck, turning around and shimmying down until she could rest atop the sun demigod's lower ribs and the edge of her taut gut. "Mom, are you going to tell me why you're so mopey lately? You're all 'grumpa-grumpa-grumpa' all the time, which is as uncool as you can get. And you've been out here most of the evening ever since we got back. The last time you were like this was when Twilight discovered 'Want-It; Need-It or made it or something for the first time."
Celestia cracked one eye open, smiling slightly before taunting her foal. "Hhheeeeuuurk! Bleaauugh."
"Alright, have it your way." Scootaloo slid over, pinching up the celestial mare's belly button, carefully holding onto it through the soft and smooth rise and fall of her mother's belly. "Last chance for mercy!"
Celestia picked her head back up from where it was laying on the water, blinking as rivulets ran down from her brow into her eyes. Spotting where Scootaloo had placed her hooves, a chill of fear ran through her feathers and down her spine. "You wouldn't dare! I'll ground you into a year of no ice cream!"
"No! Not the ice- wait. Ice cream, or a happy mom? Hmm... do your worst!" Scootaloo challenged her mother as her lips darted down to the vulnerable belly button. She took a deep breath and blew, knowing the one true weakness of all alicorns.
The rude noises of a mouth blowing air into a soft and squishy belly were drowned out by Celestia's screams of ticklish laughter as she was insidiously tortured. Limbs awkwardly flailed in the air as Scootaloo kept up her relentless assault on her mother's dignity. Finally though, the filly ran out of air, leaving her panting to catch her breath. Celestia took that opportune moment, letting her horn emerge from her disguise so she could apply a seal of golden magic over her daughter's mouth.
Undeterred, Scootaloo scooted up her mother's body, driving her tiny hooves into the leg pits of the solar diarch's forelegs. Celestia's helpless squeaking resumed, the mare nearly blue in the face as her chest heaved under it's filly-sized burden. "Alright, alright! I'll tell you already! No more, mercy! Auuuugh, it hurts to much to- hehe!- laaaauuugh!"
Scootaloo instantly relented, letting Celestia gather her wits and catch her breath. The diarch slowly and deliberately took her breaths deeply, looking upside down as her head floated on the waters of the lake. On the town side of the lake, a good mile and a half away, the tiny constellation of lights glittered in the early evening as Ponyville's nightlife began. Kind of amusing when viewed upside down, actually.
The orange filly wriggled her hooves in place once more, reminding her mom that there was a confession to be made. The diarch let the magic gag fade as she let her illusionary cover hide her horn within the folds of it's magic. "Scootaloo, I'm... I'm- afraid."
"You? Afraid? Is this alternate universe week again? Because if we have to deal with a giant manticore invasion from outer space like that one time again-" Scootaloo looked a little weirded out as she spoke, remembering how she and Spike had- No, don't think of it, it won't drive you crazy.
"Yes." Celestia sighed, her mane spread out on the water all around her head. "Afraid. I guess I always have been." Celestia closed her eyes as she spoke, looking inwards to all her past sins.
"Afraid of what? Nightmare Moon? Discord? What could scare you?"
"Failure." The word was an epithet on Celestia's lips.
Scootaloo looked around, counting off on her hooves as she bit her lip in thought. "Mom, how have you failed? I've been thinking about it, and that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
"Luna. Starswirl. Our homelands. The seaponies..."
Scootaloo rolled her eyes, her hoof thumping against her mother's chest to pop the diarch's head up so she could look her dam in the eye. "Mom! Stop it! Most of that you could never have stopped, and you SAVED Luna. And you made me! That's the awesomest thing you've ever done." Scootaloo fluffed herself up as much as she could manage, looking less awesome and more like an overgrown chick.
"Scootaloo, Twilight saved Luna. Not me."
"Same diff, Mom!" Scootaloo waved a hoof. "Seriously, you were training her for that, she was your plan, YOU saved Luna, even if you had to use somepony to do it."
Celestia closed her eyes, huffing deeply in shame. "She almost didn't pull it off. And even though she did, I- I turned her into a neurotic wreck focused on pleasing me, and I never even saw it until recently." Celestia found a hoof cupped beneath her chin, drawing her face back to her daughter's own. "Scootaloo, look at her whenever somepony mentions me. She flinches, and-"
"Mom! Everypony's problems are NOT your own!" Scootaloo wondered if it would be easier just to tip the raft over and let the cold water snap her mom out of her blame spiral. "Cadance says Twilight was like that BEFORE she became your student! Not every problem is caused by your sitting around mom, and you can't fix everything! I mean, it's great that you want to, but let other ponies take the blame for their success and failures sometimes, too!"
"Like when I'm over at Rarity's house at the same time Sweetie Belle is, and she starts cooking 'dinner'." Scootaloo stuck her tongue out in disgust as she gagged on the memory. "Nopony blames me for not catching Sweetie."
"Scootaloo, you know what? You're right." Celestia smiled somewhat sadly, leaning up all the way so she could nuzzle her foal on the nose. "I did at least get you right, you smart little filly."
"VindiCAAAATIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" Scootaloo shouted to the heavens, rearing up on her hind legs and playing an air guitar in triumph.
"But, you're the only thing I've gotten right."
"Oh, COME ON!"
"Scootaloo, I work on you instead of helping Equestria. Luna... I let her become a warrior only barely older than you. I let the nobles get too strong, I-"
"Did a pretty awesome job, despite your mistakes. Equestria? Awesome. Me and Luna? Awesome. Twilight? Crazy Awesome. Slightly more crazy than awesome, actually. Cadance? Awesome. House? Cozy Awesome."
Celestia smiled, glad that her foal could remain so enthusiastic. "Funny, I thought getting sentimental and pep-talk-ey was the first sign of Mushy Syndrome." The solar diarch poked her daughter in her orange and slightly pudgy belly, laughing as Scootaloo tried to stop it from jiggling by sucking it in and laying down on it. "Oh no! It's worse than I thought! The Mushy Syndrome has almost completely claimed her!"
"Hey, stop that! I'm not mush- uhoh!" Scootaloo fell over, reaching her hooves towards the skies as she let the rest of her body go limp. "I'm mushing, ~muuuushing! Oh, what a world!" Scootaloo waved her hooves dramatically in the air as she slowly brought them closer to her body while whispering ever quieter. "Somepony help me! I'm mushing! Mushing away into Rarity!"
Celestia smiled, having a brilliant idea to turn the tables on her youngest and silliest. "Oh dear! It seems my catch of the day has stopped being cool and has gotten mushy and soggy from being in the water for too long! We've got to turn it back into a cool fish!" Celestia snatched Scootaloo up in her forehooves, yanking the giddily screaming filly into the air. From her awkward launch, she flipped over, flapping mightily towards their house.
"Mom, you had better not hang me up to dry!" Scootaloo's shout echoed over the water into the night."Mom, wait a minute! No, Mom, No-no- WHOOOOAAAH, that's COLD!"
Celestia Vs. The Great Devourer
I don't normally suggest theme music. But this time? It needs it.
She could do this. She was the Morningstar, the Sun! The Great Devourer would not frighten her, and it couldn't do much to tempt her. All she had to do was march up those steps, pass through that door, and make her order! The inspiring thought of being free of influence, free of the fear of getting fat called up the wind at her hooftips! It lifted her mane in the great cyclone of freedom and equality that she held around her form! No temptation, no hesitation, NO MERCY! She was going to-
"Hey, lady, is there a reason you're staring at the Sugarcube Corner with a windstorm around you like that?"
Sunbeam deflated from her uncompromising high, looking around at the crowd that had gathered to bear witness upon the miniature windstorm she had swept up around herself. Meekly, she cleared her throat and marched forward, intent on claiming her baked goods from within.
The front door's bell jingled as she opened the door, signaling the call to battle. The patrons stood up as one, many dragging their tables from the line between the mare on a mission and the counter before her. Breath snorted from her nose as she began to grimly match to the tune of a beat as she began to grimly march. With each step, the pile of bits in her saddlebag jangled as a counterpoint to the tense tune being played on a harmonica by the mare in the corner. (Had to be Appleloosan, with a hat like that.)
A familiar set of mocking birds alighted on a windowsill, chirping a three-part wailing tune to match the slow march of battle and the ever-present harmonica. They must have had a Sunbeam sense, from the way they were always there for her showdowns.
Sunbeam locked eyes with her terrible foe, glaring into the blue orbs of fire that silently judged her, and waited. The Great Devourer, The Temptress of Sweets, The Unsolvable Mystery! She knew her menace well, and she would not falter this time.
Her foe stomped haltingly to the counter, confounded by the bucket that seemed glued to her leg that clonked against the floor with every one of her steps. Lights blinked on in the display cases at the touch of her adversary, daring Sunbeam to devour their damningly delicious decedent temptations. She must not be tempted. She would not be tempted. To look would be as unto a fortress tainted from the inside out by a poisoned well properly positioned by a paranoid prepared opponent.
Darn it, she looked.
Keep it together, she could do this. She had raised the sun and moon and had run Equestria for a thousand years alone through sheer willpower. She could handle a minor temptati- her nose was pressed flat against the glass desperately trying to sniff through it again. She wasn't going to make it. Her impromptu challenging music built up as she reluctantly peeled herself from the glass; the birds warbling loud enough to send shivers down her spine.
Sunbeam gasped as the register bell ding!ed cheerfully, mocking the great struggle of its time. Bits rolled free of her nemesis’s hoof, jangling into the outstretched change drawer, each clink of metal on metal thunderous in the disguised mare's ears. Painfully slowly, her foe slid her torture instrument closed and reached into the display case; selecting the biggest, sugary-est, most delicious looking éclair from within. Sunbeam's anguished whimpers did nothing to stop it as her abominable torturer withdrew the treat, floating it up to her mouth with great relish.
Three onlookers flinched away at the criminal temptation, unable to watch as Sunbeam tried to avert her gaze with a burning look of self-loathing.
"The horror! The horror! Not the Sunny Delight Triple Chocolate Supreme! How could she!?"
The Great Devourer slowly bit down on her weapon, crushing hard sugar glaze with a machine-gun like series of cracks as the poor frosting gave way. Noisily, the temptress chewed upon it, each smack of teeth on golden brown goodness a stab to Sunbeam's willpower. Crystalline sugar crushed and crumbled at the press of lips; the tail-curling aroma of dark chocolate filling tempting the mare as it dribbled down her foe's chin. That fiendish adversary swallowed with a needy gulp, giving Sunbeam the lazy eyes as she challengingly drawled. "Order."
"I'll take three Prench Loafs, the Sourdough Pretzel Pack, the sweet'n'cinnamon breakfast rolls..." Don't think about it, don't look! Her will mustn't falter. The aromas of the open display case churned her stomach hungrily, a pain of needfulness growing there. Her poor belly quickly found a hoof pressed against it as she tried to hold her urges in, being rubbed back into silence. She was Celestia of the east; she was the Zenith of Equestrian Justice! She could resist! She could hold out!
But why was it so hard? "And I'll... and... and..."
The three-bird chorus and the harmonica stallion built their song up to a crescendo of anticipation. Patrons gasped in hope as she held out longer than ever before. Never had anyone resisted the diabolical salespony as long as she had, she was going to make it! Then éclair drifted on an outstretched hoof just below Sunbeam's nose, the nibbled end just barely missing the tip as the aroma burned straight into her brain.
Sunbeam could only whimper one last time before snatching the éclair from the pink hoof of the Great Devourer, stuffing it in her mouth in a single bite. With her mouth completely full nopony could tell for certain, but her muffled moan of defeat sounded like "My usual, please."
The patrons sighed in disappointment and her musical entourage descended into a mournful reprise of their earlier challenging tones. Sunbeam's stomach rumbled in a mix of self-loathing and unconquerable hunger as she swallowed her mouthful. O', how the mighty had fallen! Reduced to being unable to escape the mere infuriation of her addiction to the Corner's sweets. A sticky hoof reached into her saddle-bag, withdrawing her exactly-counted bag of bits to lay upon the counter for her undefeated foe to collect.
"Darn you, Pinkamina Pie."
"Aww, now don't be like that! Its okay, Sunny! We all have sweet-toothy problems. You'll beat me someday! Well, maybe." Pinkie reached down behind her counter, grunting as she lifted up the massive pre-prepared box that she had lovingly packed for the Sugarcube Corner's most loyal customer. Adorned with a cheerful assortment of smiley stickers, a little smile bubbled up in Sunbeam's chest, Pinkie's personal hoof in the sales made it hard to stay mad.
"Not all of us have a pink menace tempting us, Pinkie. At the rate I'm going, I'm going to get fat before I can quit." Sunbeam pressed her side up against the counter, letting Pinkie slide the box atop her back. If she was fat, nopony would look up to her, or worse! Equestria could start thinking that overeating was acceptable, and they'd all end up as cavity-filled and hyper as Pinkie Pie. And that was not an option. She'd beat the Great Devourer! Next week...
Pinkie hummed along with the tune from the harmonica as she picked up the resurgence of confidence from her beleaguered customer. Putting on a silly bushy mustache, she bowed to Sunbeam, bucketed hoof clopping awkwardly against the floor as she did. "Until we meet again, M'lady! I am certain that next week shall be the week."
Oh for the love of- Not that silly husky accent again. "Until next week, Pinkie. What are you going to do, wear a cookie-hat?"
Pinkie tapped her bucketed hoof against her chin in thought, the bubbles of imagination almost popping out of her head as her eyes darted across them absently. She perked up as one in particular struck her, mad in concept and positively hilarious to consider. "Not a bad idea! Oooh! OooH! And baguette fencing! Next week will be awesome! Say hi to Princess Celestia for me!"
"What!?"
"Well, you know.... you're her secretar-i-whatsit, and she's the Princess who everypony is all 'Bow to her! Bow we say!' and she's all 'Nuuuu! No bowing! Normal pony! Normal Pony!', so she has to go hide someplace where she can work in peace, and Ponyville is all peaceful especially your place, so she slums in your place, eating your sweets and doing her princessy homework, and then you've got to come back and order again and you're all 'nuuu! I don't wanna!' and I'm all 'yes! You wanna!' and then Celestia's on your couch, eating your donuts and all 'no! Don't let anypony see me getting all fat off of donuts! I'mma horrible pony!' and she comfort eats, and then she gets all sugar-drunk and hugs you, and just needs a reminder that everypony in Ponyville won't think any less of her and that the Elements just wanna be her friend! It'd be a real help if you let her know, okay Miss Sunbeam?" Pinkie inexplicably managed to somehow blurt out her rambling thoughts in a single go, breathless and fired off like a firecracker on the evening after the Summer Sun Festival.
Everypony in the store confusedly tried to piece together Pinkie's rant quietly. Some even tried to count words to make sense of the nearly hypersonic babble, hooves dancing in midair as they followed along in their heads. Sunbeam leaned back from the still panting pink menace, mane blown ever so lightly back from the force of Pinkie's words. Her foe couldn't know, could she? Oh no... of course she knew! The Pinkie sense would tell her!
Sunbeam looked around once more, her mind filling in paranoid and menacing glares where there were none to be found. The thought of her other life, her real life closing in and suffocating her one refuge spooked her. She turned, galloping for the door as her would-be band picked up the pace once more, orchestrating her run as she pushed past the early evening crowds. Confused murmurs broke out as she ran, ponies wondering what could have upset her so.
"... Well okay then! See you next week, Sunny!" Pinkie waved absentmindedly, trailing off as she realized no answer would come from the establishment's most loyal customer.
"OW! Itchy Scalp, twitchy right hoof, grumbly-churny stomach? Something-daughter-coming to order donuts?"
The front door slammed with god-like force as the house's owner skidded to a halt in the foyer. Held in her magic, Celestia's box of baked goods and sweets hung accusingly before her where they had nearly been splattered upon the floor when they skidded from her back.
"Mom? Are you acting like Twilight again?" Scootaloo's voice echoed from upstairs shortly before she and Luna poked their heads between the bars of the upstairs railing.
"Yes! Wait- I mean, NO! Absolutely not! Everything is fine, go back to your girl talk, you two! I've just got to put the groceries up." Celestia glared at the box, and then at her family as they snickered at her flusteredness. Bad enough that the Great Devourer knew her secrets; she didn't need her family egging her on.
Luna sniffed the air as the familiar aroma of chocolate and frosting and everything else nice wafted up to her nose. "Tia, still unable to break the habit?"
Celestia tried to say something to deny Luna, to confirm that her iron will was uncompromised. But it would have been a lie. She sighed at last, nodding her head. "Yes."
"Hmm. Pinkamina is far too much of a tempter for you. Perhaps we should go instead, next week." Luna teleported down to Celestia, unconsciously licking her lips at the thought of the delicious baked goodies. The elder mare leaned the box away from its would-be admirer, reminding Luna that she couldn't have it quite yet.
"Luna, don't! She's like a... I don't know, Pinkthulu or something! Nopony has ever escaped her unfed! She knows your greatest weakness before you even step into the shop for the first time, and knows how to apply it to make you buy everything! The more you resist, the more you buy!" Scootaloo buzzed her wings in warning, waving a hoof over the edge to punctuate her point.
"Nopony goes to Sugarcube Corner and returns the same shape as they were. Nopony."
"Please, Tia. What's the worst that could happen?"
Luna Vs. The Great Devourer
*Most interesting Pony in the World Voice* I don't always recommend theme music, but when I do, I recommend the best.
Today was going to be a good day. She could feel it! She had gotten that Pinkie Sense combination once more, and whoever it was had to be a new customer that she could introduce to sugary scrumdiddlyumptiousness! And, since she was somehow related to Sunbeam, that mean she'd order just as much! But, her new pony sense hadn't gone off, which meant that the new pony wasn't new. But that couldn't be, as Scootaloo didn't have an older sister that she had ever met, and Sunbeam was all extra-extra old somehow from working for Celestia so the new pony couldn't be HER sister and why was her brain hopping circles in her head?!?
The patrons of Sugarcube Corner watched on warily as Pinkie randomly screamed in frustration and clutched the cotton candy thicket that just happened to be her mane. Sure, Pinkie was random, but she had never freaked out quite like THAT before. All the same, everypony chuckled with nervous laughs of relief as Pinkie bounced back to her normal happiness; humming and bobbing her head to the beat of some invisible song.
"Nothing I can do about it! Ooh-oh! Wait! Licorice trifold hat? Check! Bite taken out of hat? Mmmm, check! Baguette swords? Check. Really, really cool mustache?" Pinkie dipped beneath the counter, putting on the elaborate bead-draped mustache-goatee she had hidden below the counter. "Yarrr!"
The patrons needed no further prompting to begin pushing their tables to the walls as the implications sank in. Pinkie was having extra fun, and that was always a mess.
Gasps of surprise filtered into the sweets store from outside, caused by some unseen source. Ponies scattered from the front steps of the store. Clearly a mare, the blue-furred pony's features were mostly hidden by her volumous coverings. Her widely brimmed hat soaked in the light like Pinkie could suck down cookies, a dark blue pegasus feather trapped within the band above its brim. Her cape ruffled in an unseen breeze; black as the night with an illusion of stars drifting about on its surface as it trailed down to pool around her hooves.
Pinkie gulped nervously, feeling the slightest hint of the idea that her latest customer might be too much for her to sweeten up. The mysterious mare began to stalk across the public floor to the counter; the patrons shivering back against the walls to escape her unearthly and unrelenting presence. Pinkie snorted, and stood up taller as she resolved to herself to make the mare a regular patron. Nopony put a frown on Pinkie Pie's face! Put that smile on, Pinkie! It was time to make her smile-smile-smile!
"Hi! Welcome to Sugarcube Corner! I'm Pinkie Pie! Say, can I spy your name-o? I mean, I can't personalize and forever record your order without it!"
The mysterious mare turned to face Pinkie, ceasing her languid and uninterested browsing of the party pony's stock with a disturbing air of somepony who should not be interrupted. Her gaze was an old gaze, an uninterested gaze, the cold gaze of somepony who had already measured her up in a moment and just as quickly dismissed her out of hoof. "Moonstone. And I will take everything on this list. And a muffin."
Pinkie gingerly took the list from the stranger's magical aura, afraid of what it might hold. The incantation for a curse to turn her into Boring Pie? Ingredient shopping for Pony Pot Pie!? Diet Plan!?!? Oh sweet Celestia, it WAS a diet eating plan!
Pinkie dropped the list like a mare on fire, jumping back a foot and rearing up away from it in shock. Any activity in the Corner came to a screeching halt at the sight of Pinkie so utterly terrified by a horror beyond even her comprehension. The party pony of Ponyville pointed her hoof at Moonstone accusingly as she spoke in a harsh bark of infuriated horror. "YOU! You're the one who's trying to turn that happy mom into a bitter nut health nut!"
Moonstone ignored Pinkie's warble of fear and loathing as she shopped, and didn't even notice as the bird chorus alighted on their stand in the room as well. The Appleloosian harmonica pony tapped his hoof a few times and began to play a jaunty sea tune from Hoofington to lighten the mood, his bird friends joining in on a chorus.
A baguette rose into the air, gripped in the magician's telekinetic grip. "Add this to my order as well."
"Oh no you don't! You're going to order something sweet as well, the Pinkie Sense says so!" Pinkie pulled a sugar-glazed and strawberry-streaked baguette from the case, brandishing it like a sword and swinging it wildly for a moment. She settled down, pointing its tip in the direction of Moonstone's mouth as the harmonica stallion picked up the pace.
"Do you even know how to use that thing?" Moonstone remained steadfastly unimpressed and unmoved by the threat of baked goods, holding her own baguette in a ready position.
Pinkie swung her weapon once more, testing how it functioned. "Sure. Sweet end goes in your mouth!"
Moonstone facehoofed. She beheld her greatest and deadliest nemesis, the completely untrained idiot. No matter, she was so good that it didn't matter. She flashed her sword, a wild stab intent on knocking her foe down so she could drop her bits directly into the register and go. Pinkie would be feeling crumbly for months, but that was the price of challenging the Mighty and Magnificent Moonstone. But the impossible happened.
Pinkie's baked blade was almost instantly in the path of her own, stopping it cold as Pinkie braced with all of the hooves. Moonstone could only frown as the mare didn't even budge, and struck again with colossal fury and a flourish. Hooves squeaked across the floor in a wooden groan from the impact and Pinkie found herself scooted backwards from the force of the blow. Once more Moonstone clashed her blade with Pinkie's own, scowling at the infernal speed the mare reacted with.
"So, clearly you are skilled. Who trained you, all jokes aside?" Moonstone swiped again, her scowl etching deeper into her face as the party mare somehow knew exactly when to tuck her stomach in to avoid the blow.
"Nopony! I just use my Pinkie Sense!" Pinkie struck out on the offensive suddenly after her declaration. A trio of earth-pony fueled hammer blows pushed the interloper back from their sheer strength before Pinkie followed up with a jab towards Moonstone with the sugar-coated end. It was all Moonstone could do to duck beneath the mouth-seeking stab and bat it away with her own freshly baked weapon.
Moonstone scowled at her partner's tenacity, remembering that glorious time of old when she had been in shape. It had to be her conditioning, Pinkie couldn't be that good. "Well, whatever the case, I must admit it is certainly good at the basics." Moonstone's eyes glanced around, noting the two service flaps in the counter, equally distant from the register. "But how's your hoofwork?"
Moonstone sidestepped theatrically, letting her showmare tendencies come carefully and fully to the fore as she played with her opponent. "So, if I was to step here..."
One, two, three; Clash-clash-CLASH!
"Good, good. Now again!"
One, two, three; Clash-clash-CLASH!
CLASH!
Moonstone bowed in respect to the mare who had opposed her. Now where was her coin purse, ah! Even as she prepared to pay, Pinkie looked around in confusion as she realized that the tricky mare had somehow magically swapped their- HEY!
Moonstone bowed once more, to the crowd who had begun to applaud the first victory over Pinkie Pie they had ever seen.
"Now then, I shall pay and take my leave." Moonstone reached for the pedal to open the bit drawer, smugly taking her time in her victory. It probably saved her hoof, too, with the way that the baguette appeared just in the way of the pedal. The oddly embedded baked good quivered with the force of the throw that had implanted it into the wood, twanging slightly still.
The showmare glared at Pinkie Pie, who cheekily smiled back. Turning back to the embedded baguette, she tugged at it with all her might. She put enough telekinetic force into it to move the moon! She even tried to nibble at it, discovering it to have somehow hardened to the strength of steel. But nothing broke it free enough to let her deposit her bits for healthy baked goods without the drawer key.
"Oh, such a marvelous trick. But now, you have no weapon." Moonstone flourished her baked blade towards Pinkie, seething internally at the absurd difficulty in ordering a few Prench loafs.
"Wait, wait, WAIT!" Pinkie pulled two oven mitts from under the counter and slipped them onto her forehooves. Moonstone paused in her advance on her pink headache, wondering what in Tartarus she was up to. Moonstone's confusion grew as Pinkie pulled the sleeve back on one of the mitts to reveal a watch that hadn't been there before. The ringing of an egg timer buzzed through the corner, halting even the musical accompaniment in confusion.
Pinkie vanished into the kitchen fast enough to leave a pink streak of afterimage in Moonstone's vision, as mysterious sounds erupted from the back rooms. Pinkie's voice echoed back from the rear, only enhancing the confusion. "Sorry Missus Cake! Take it out of the Pinkie Fund!" The fluffy pony crashed back into the room with similar haste, brandishing two more baguettes so fresh out of the oven that they still sizzled with heat.
Moonstone stared down the closest, seeing the oils on its surface still bubbling with heat as a strange trepidation entered her mind. "Ah, those weapons."
The bird chorus and harmonica stallion started up again, challengingly reprising their earlier tune as the duelists’ turned up the pressure on one another. Ponies began chanting the pastry-poking ponies’ names as the duo ducked and weaved around the counter looking for ways to make the other submit. Crumbs flew all around as they fought with utter abandon, any pretense of holding back vanishing.
Mrs. Cake leaned her head out of the kitchen to see what all the fuss was about, still coated in sugar dust and cinnamon streaks. A yelp all but leaped from her throat as first Pinkie's baguettes arced through the air above and below her head, following by a jab from Moonstone's own stick of bread passing less than an inch before her eyes. "PINKAMINA PIE! No antics in the store!"
The two combatants halted at the motherly irritation, looking at each other sheepishly. Without a word, they lowered themselves back to all fours. Moonstone held all of their 'weapons' in her telekinetic grip, floating them out ahead of their silent march. Outside, and beyond Mrs. Cake's withering glare, they began again. The duo faced off once more, silencing the street with their mere presence.
Moonstone struck first, lunging at Pinkie with baguette in aura. The pink powerhouse ducked under the swing, surprising Moonstone as she sailed past the mare. Flank rolled against dirt as Pinkie rolled out of her duck to snatch her own weapons from where they had been sailing through the air to begin once more.
The chorus trilled out their tune as loudly as they could as the fight continued across the shop's front lawn. Fluffy pink mane nearly parted beneath a savage down stroke; the Hat of Darkest Darkness found itself nearly swept away upon a sugary swing of bread. The Cape of Night Skies found itself nearly flung off from the violence of Moonstone's speed, and Pinkie's utter tangle of a mane began to straighten out from the forces that Pinkie put herself through in the battle.
It was almost like a twisted and crumb-filled ballet as the two danced around the yard; narrowly avoiding their opponent's blade time and time again. Onlookers cheered their favored mare on as they clashed. The pair worked their way into a frenzy of strikes against each other as they found themselves finally standing muzzle to muzzle in a blindingly fast exchange of bl-
CRACK!
Everypony murmured in disappointment as all three sticks of bread snapped at the same time. Moonstone frowned as she inspected the broken stump of her improvised weapon, taking an experimental nibble to see if it was still edible. She had been looking forward to scoring on Pinkie.
A lump of bread smacked her in the head as the crowd cheered. Looking up, to Moonstone's shock and surprise Pinkie held two unbroken baguettes once more. The piece that Pinkie has thrown at her slid down off of the mage's hat to plop into her aura.
"In case of baguette sword fighting emergencies."
"Right." Moonstone realized she was most likely horribly outmatched.
Scootaloo looked up from her homework, watching as Moonstone trudged through the door. The poor mare was stickily splattered with frosting, with a generous helping of crumbs spread around her muzzle. Why, even her belly bulged as if she had eaten a three-course meal for all of Canterlot! The filly held back her chuckles as Moonstone slammed the door shut and locked it. With nothing left to give her away, Luna dropped her disguise and dropped the massive package of pastries to the floor.
Scootaloo loudly buzzed her nubs of wings at the dining room table, catching Luna's attention. How did Berry do his accent? "Oooh, Ahe warned yae! But nae, what could one innocent pink party pony do?"
Luna grumpily turned towards Scootaloo, unheeding of Celestia snapping up the box behind her. "That mare is NOT of this world."
Scootaloo chuckled as she turned back to her homework. "You're just mad because she beat you."
"She beat us! With a baguette! SWORDFIGHTING!" Luna theatrically swept across the room with a stick of bread held in her magic. With a wild, desperate look in her eye, she rushed over to Scootaloo, breaking it in half as she tried to figure out what Pinkie had done to her. "Look how it crumbles! She wielded bread like it was the finest steel!"
Scootaloo looked up to her more melodramatic role model, trying to ignore her mother stuffing her face with a cupcake while on the way to the kitchen. Patting Luna on the shoulder, she consoled the poor mare, hoping she wouldn't pull a full Twilight. "She's Pinkie Pie. Physics... don't exactly work right around her."
"So you're claiming she is a spawn of Discord, then!?"
Scootaloo facehoofed, grumbling at Luna's incomprehension. And the fact that her hoof was covered in pencil lead. Her hoof, and now her face. Right, moving along. "Pinkie bears the Element of Laughter."
"We know." Luna twitched and paced as she tried to make sense of the situation.
Scootaloo pushed back from the table, hopping down so she could walk over and jump onto Luna's back. The lunar alicorn nearly bucked her off as she squeaked on the last of her nerves, turning her head back to look Scootaloo in the eyes. "No, Luna. You let Pinkie turn it into a JOKE!"
Celestia froze as the logic finally hit her, her cupcake caught in her mouth halfway through a bite as the message got through. Luna fared little better as her hoof paused in shock midair. It couldn't have been that simple all along, could it?
Luna snorted, stomping her hoof back down and grinding it into the floor. "Preposterous."
"Then how come you always did better when dealing with loyalties and truths? How come Mom usually did her best when performing great acts of mercy or when she extended the hoof of friendship? How come Starswirl always did his best when he gave himself up for painfully amusing ordeals or when he used crazy improvised weapons?" Scootaloo hopped off of Luna's back so she could go pull her history book out to prove her point.
"The Elements don't work like that! We would know!"
Celestia sat behind the kitchen counter, musing on the corpse of her half-eaten cupcake. It made sense to her, at least. "Luna? Why did the Elements respond to my need for you to be given a great kindness in your banishment? They didn't have to give you ten mortal lives to live out."
Scootaloo hopped up into her chair, dropping her books on the table. "Yeah! You made the Elements out of the Rainbow of Light. You might not have designed them to do certain things, but who knows what all they can actually do?" Scootaloo pointed out the annoying truth to Luna; all the while plotting out the Great Muffin Heist in her head.
"Okay, we shall give you that. But STILL!! Baguettes! Dueling! We saw nothing wrong with it!" Luna pointed a hoof towards the skies to express her outrage with the matter. "And she STILL beat us!"
Scootaloo sighed as she saw that Luna was still in shock. "Yes, Luna. It’s pretty funny for that to happen to you. Do you guys want me to order next week?"
Celestia coughed, spitting up crumbs from the treat she had literally inhaled in shock from her daughter's statement. Scootaloo would be Scoota-fed! "You'll be turned into a Scootaroll!"
Luna shook her head to make the freaky images leave her alone, the visions cantering all about her thoughts. "Pinkie shall have no mercy on a foal!"
"That just means that I need a plan that's blacker than coal."
"You? A black oper-" Celestia's dismissive snort cut short as Scootaloo reached into her saddlebags, pulling out a large notebook. A notebook about to explode from all the spare pages that burst from every edge.
"Yes. Yes I can."
"Oh, Scootaloo. I should have known. You really need to enjoy life, instead of making so many plans." Celestia walked over to Scootaloo's seat, her eyes flickering over the book.
"True." Scootaloo tapped her chin in thought, humming as if she was considering her mother's advice. "But, nah! If I did, I would'a never come up with Operation PieRaker!"
"What? What is this? A 500 hoof tall flame? Where would you get such a thing? And why are you looking at us like that?"
Author's Note
Next time on Tales From the Scootaverse:
Crouching Armor, Hidden Cadance!
Crouching Armor; Hidden Cadance
Cadance sniffed at the pallet of arranged bouquets, inspecting them for the perfect mix of flowers. If Shiney wasn't going to propose already, she was going to do it for him. And the flowers wouldn't hurt as a 'Your fillyfriend isn't mad that it took so long that she had to propose to you' gift. Well, formally propose, they both knew that they were the perfect match; it was just a matter of who was going to pop the question first, and when.
"I'm glad that you consider my wares to be worth your time, your highness. Is there anything in particular that you like?" The shopkeeper all but danced on her hooves in nervousness, hoping that the Princess would pick already soon.
Hmm. Cadance settled upon a bouquet of pink and blue, loving how they mingled together just the same as she and her Shiney did. "Well, yes. I'd actually like-"
She swore she was going to hogtie that stupid stallion as a presence tickled her senses. Why was Shining Armor outside the shop, radiating a combination of love that seemed to include fatherly comradery and a searing need to jump her bones and love her in all the ways possible until she passed out? He was supposed to be on duty at the Solar Court! Oh... wait. Poor Shining, he must be feeling the need to prove himself to her again.
"I'm sorry, but I need to deal with my very very deeply in trouble fiancée outside. I'll come back to make a selection in a day or two." Cadance politefully dipped her head in respect to the shopkeeper before ducking out the door before the mare could protest.
Several of the sources of comradely based love disappeared as the door opened with a jingling bell, leaving only Shining Armor just around the corner. Oh, oh... that was how. He was going to simulate 'peril', before sweeping in for the Big Hero Rescue, hoping to sweep her off her hooves and into the sunset. She wasn't that much of a damsel in distress!
"Cadance! Oh, thank Celestia I found you! Princess Celestia is in Ponyville on sick leave, and a bunch of ninja have shown up in town trying to kidnap you and Princess Luna! I need to get you back to the court!"
Ninjas. He had to be running out of ideas.
Cadance decided to play along for the moment. She'd lead him on before shutting him down. She did her best to appear worried, though a hint of her grumpiness bled through into her deadpan tone. "Ninjas. Really?"
Shining sweated in his armor, and nodded to Cadance. "Yes! Ninjas!"
Ponies stopped to look at the strange scene for a moment, wondering why the guardspony was crying out about ninjas. Figuring it to be some sort of training exercise, they collectively shrugged their shoulders and continued on as if they had never stopped. Cadance raised a disapproving eyebrow, slowly making Shining Armor take a step back as he shook and nervously dripped within his armor. The princess of love made a great show of making up her mind, turning to face the castle as she did.
"Alright, let's go. And next time? Don't use guards who love you as a commander." Cadance beeped her would-be fiancée’s nose playfully as she lightened up, laughing as he tried to swat her hoof away before she could poke him again. She turned and trotted off, flicking her tail in invitation for him to follow.
Shining spluttered in protest as he trotted after Cadance, even though he knew the jig was up. "I don't know what you're talking about, Cadey!"
"Did you know that your eyes make a sort of squiggly-twitchy motion when you lie, Shining? Besides, you forgot what my special talent is. You know, part of being the princess of love is actually sensing bonds of love, and what kind of love it is. Kinda need it to keep from making mistakes, after all." Cadance ruffled her wings, feeling oddly uncomfortable as she walked. Shining's stallions (and a mare or two from the feel of it) were all still watching from a considerable distance away.
But there was something else. A funny feeling as if all the love had been eaten away from a few spots all around her. They moved too, like they were following her. It was leaving all of her esoteric senses tingling.
Shining Armor sighed as he caught up with her, tapping his hoof three times in rapid succession as he trotted alongside her. A dull red glow surrounded his hoof and faded away as quickly as it came. "You know, I wish I had known that sooner. No wonder you could always find where I was hiding. Wait. Can you feel how I'm loving you right now?"
Cadance's mane and tail bristled in surprise as she felt it, and her pink flank rocked to one side as she shoved him with her whole body to show her displeasure. Harshly, she whispered into his ear to avoid being overheard. "Bad, bad Shining! For suggesting that in public, you'll get the comfy couch for a week. We're not teenagers anymore, even if I want to be, and seriously!" Cadance looked down at herself and then over to him. "I don't even think that would work."
Shining Armor sighed, rubbing his head against her own affectionately as he quietly whispered back. "Sorry. But you're just so beautiful, Cadey-Wadey. You're beautiful, and sweet and delicate, and I just want to wrap you up in a hug and a blanket to keep you safe." Shining nuzzled her harder, snuggled up against her in apology as they walked.
Cadance sighed and leaned against him, unable to stay too mad at her colt. A chuckle bubbled up, delicately tinkling in the air as she rocked her head back. The princess of love purred like an overgrown kitten, playfully licking one of Shining's ears before whispering once more. "You know, it's true. Bribery will get you everywhere. And being such a flattering gentlecolt is more than acceptable as a bribe. Even if I don't need all that much protection since I took those fighting lessons from your other boss. I swear, you're a bigger softie than Auntie Celestia's gut."
Shining Armor looked down and back, sucking in his belly to try and look even slimmer than he already was. "Nope, nope, not soft at-Ow!" Cadance jabbed him with a forehoof, watching him squirm and take a reflexive breath. "Oh, alright, so I might need to lay off the food from Mexicolt. Though I did want to try that new place, what was it called? Taco Cerberus? It looked nice."
"It looks crazy. And you know it gives me heartburn. You big softie." Cadance poked him again, watching him squirm away from the pokes as they walked.
"I'm not a softie!"
"Soft!" Poke. "Soft'" Poke. "Soooooftie!" Pooooke! "But that's why I love you."
The duo parted through the last of the crowds, passing into the square at the junction of the main entrance to the old Canterlot Underground and the long and winding Palace Avenue. Cadance twitched as she felt the odd sensation of the voids draw nearer. She turned to look over a shoulder, frowning as she scanned the roofline and found nothing to indicate why she was getting so twitchy.
Then again, that was the only way she got any warning at all as Shining Armor fell back behind her for something. She craned her neck as far as she could to see what he was doing, catching the movements of him snorting and pawing the ground for a second. "Shiney? What are you do-Hey! Now wait just a miiiiniiUUIIieeeeek!"
Shining lifted Cadance up with his magic just enough for him to gallop under her, dropping her down to ride atop him like some sort of surf board. Cadance flared her wings to keep her balance as Shining nearly buckled under the sudden addition of her weight. And then, he galloped like he had never galloped before, rushing off laughing into the Underground with her atop his back as he ran for a secret entrance to the palace. "Hey, Cadey! Who's the softie pony now? Solid like a rock!"
"Shining Armor you big overgrown coltish brat! I'm going to snuggle you senseless when we get back!"
The colt in stallion's armor laughed with the princess he was 'foalnapping' as they galloped through the Underground. Crowds of all descriptions and kinds passed by them as they galloped, Cadance holding her wings high and sparkling as they did. Her joy infectiously spread to those around them from her glowing aura, cheering up all the ponies they saw around them. It was that perfect moment of joy, and by Auntie come flowers or not at the end of Shining's ride she was going to propose to him on the spot.
Or... you know, deal with the giant hissing creepy insect-pony hybrid thing that appeared from thin air in front of them.
"Uh... Shiney, I thought you had called them all off." Cadance reached down with her magic, anchoring herself to Shining Armor with its blue aura as he skidded to a halt before the challenging creature.
Creepy mechanical patterns could be faintly seen within its glowing blue pupiless eyes; its hole-filled legs pulsed with what looked like veins pulsating in unnaturally straight lines. Saliva dripped from its maw, and a pair of insectile wings buzzed menacingly against its black carapace. It hissed virulently once more, tensing as if it prepared to pounce.
"Cadey, it's not one of mine." Shining Armor prepared his shield spell, readying himself for battle.
Cadance tensed, remembering lessons her aunt had taught her regarding self-defense. She almost hadn't taken them at first, until she remembered what she had read and changed that fateful day. It made sense now, but she hadn't thought back then that sometimes you needed to fight to give love a chance.
The creature twitched once more, and pounced. With a loud battle cry, Cadance swung her hoof up in a vicious uppercut, catching the creature across the jaw as it flew over Shining's hastily erected barrier. Even as it sailed away to smash through a second story balcony, another appeared amidst a shimmer of air. Cadance ducked under it as it pounced at them from behind, rolling to lay flat against the ground as Shining pulsed his barrier, smashing it away in a pink flash to crush into a rock wall. The voids were all around them now, crowding into Cadance's senses as she rolled back to her hooves and pressed up against Shining, trying to think of anything to do.
"Ki-ki-ki-YAH!" Cadance grabbed Shining by the tail, slinging him and his barrier around in an arc around them. The pink wall of energy flashed before him, filling up the back road with his barrier for a moment. Several more of the creatures shrieked in pain as they were blasted away, flopping to the ground.
"Cadance!"
"Sorry, just using your shield! You're kind of attached to it!" Cadance held her future fiancée up menacingly towards the creatures, threatening them with Shining's shield.
Shining woozily tried to stay upright within Cadance's grip as she backed them away from the ambush. He couldn't tell how many of the creatures were real, and how many were just fuzzy afterimages caused by his brain still spinning like Scootaloo on a cart. He could probably get them all, maybe. "Cadance, after this, I think I need to talk to you about using other ponies as flails."
"I'll let you throw me or something."
An acrid hissing erupted behind them as the first creature fell from the balcony and struggled back to its hooves. Shining hit it with a blunt-edged barrier swinging around with his head to batter it back down to the ground, knocking it off its hooves hard enough to send it shooting down a side alley from the force of the hit. The princess of love floated Shining closer to herself as she looked around at the number of creatures rising back up from where they had fallen.
"Uh, Shiney, any ideas on how to escape?"
"I don't know. I never worked the Underground on any detail other than guarding the back entrance." Shining fired off three wedges of his barrier, sending them rushing through the enemy ranks to catapult several creatures high into the air amidst a spray of detritus.
Cadance wracked her head, trying to think of any safe place in a time of ne- Of course.
"Uncles!"
"You have an uncle down here? I thought you were an adopted orphan!"
"No, that's just what everypony calls him, C'mon!"
Cadance turned, pulsing an aura of peace as she did to try and disorient their attackers. Instead of growing dull and mellow, they drank it down like Auntie Luna would drink coffee since her return and ravenously followed the traces of her magic to try and steal it from her directly. She cried out in horror, dashing down a side street to try and escape them. Shining Armor threw up barrier after barrier in their wake as he was dragged along floating behind him like a crazy balloon.
Frustrated screams of rage echoed through the dingy and cramped streets as their attackers fought to get through.
Cadance looked left and right, slowly remembering the street patterns and did her best to use any cue from her memories to orient herself, even the tiling on the vaulted ceilings. She twisted as she remembered the street she was on, sliding against the wet pavement of marble and cobblestone awkwardly as she struggled to gain momentum traveling along a new street. Shining bounced off of her rump, paddling his hooves wildly in the air in an effort to reach the ground or control his flight.
Cadance flapped her wings to gain control over her sliding and to add to her speed as she squeezed down the tight passage. Shining bounced off the walls of the alleyway as they ran, hanging on for dear life. The junior alicorn navigated the trash cans, clotheslines, and stacks of junk and boxes with unnatural precision despite the amount of the tiny alley as she ran. She would often hop atop boxes or jump them like a racer on a hurdle track. The muted rumble of the Mountain Plaza not too far ahead forewarned her of her location, reminding her that the store in question wasn't too far away.
"Cadey, we really need to get to a main thoroughfare! It's too easy to get cornered in here!" Shining happened to look up to the section's low ceiling as he spoke, gaping in horror as he watched several of the creatures slinking out of side streets and pockets in the road to run after them clinging against gravity.
"Cadance, watch out!" Helmeted head met unprotected squishy noggin as one of them jumped upon them, Shining's Lunar-Steel helmet knocking it out cold. As another flew in from behind them, he wrapped it's head in a bubble shield to throw at a third dropping from the roof with his impeccable aim.
Cadance reacted a few seconds slower than him as she fought off tendrils of her energy being drained away by the creatures. One goldenshod pink hoof planted into a hollow in the cobblestone pavement, the pink alicorn pivoting on it as she swept her legs up and about. Gold and mithril clad hooves met chitin, winning hoofily. Cadance could feel her little trick working as the jelliness left her legs.
The creatures fell back, flopping upon the ground as if their legs had suddenly turned to rubber as Cadance stood taller, and oddly radiant. Shining bounced off of the bubble of magic he was floating in once more, sliding about until he could face her and quizzically inspect her. "Okay, I know there was magic involved, but how did you do that?"
"A trick Auntie Luna taught me. It temporarily steals their strength and passes it to me. Kinda fair, since they tried to steal mine first." Cadance stretched out her hind legs, feeling the burn from running and from the kick. "I think I could punch them with love or punch out their will to fight too."
Shining turned back to the limp creatures, his hoof twitching as he did. His gaze swiveled back to Cadance who seemed oblivious to the terrifying power she had just wielded. "Okaaaay. I didn't know you could do that. But, uh, need to get to safety and all?"
Chittering and the scraping of inequine hooves upon walls began to build up once again, the dread of the fight to come wilting Cadance's hopeful expression as it built. The pink alicorn flinched and hunched down as she took off once more, her wings clamping themselves against her side protectively. She built up speed, accidentally partially sliding up a wall from her momentum as she tried to turn around a bend in the alley. More hisses erupted all around them as black shapes peeled off the walls menacingly.
The pink alicorn hopped hoofstanding upon one foalish enough to stand directly in her path and drove it into the ground with her weight. As she flipped her body vertically over it, she kicked out with a hind hoof once more, driving it into the chin of another creature trying to fall on her from above. Her wings flared to catch herself as she began to descend from her flip, only to have another of the black creatures latch onto them and crash her into the ground.
"SHINEY!"
Shining Armor snapped a clothesline out of the wall, snapping it out with his match to wrap around the creature's neck so he could sling it off into the distance with a whip-crack of his magic. A loud clunk rocked through his armor and metallic squeaks grated on his ears as one pounced on him from behind and tried to bite through the lunar steel plate. It found itself rocketing through the air to become awkwardly pinned against a wall beneath a pink shield.
"Cadey, we need to go!"
The princess of love yanked the bubble of magic holding her guard captain to herself; keeping him close as she yanked down several lines of laundry to entangle their foes. She dashed off again, praying that it was close. The store had to be close according to her memories. Snapping and ripping could be heard from behind them as they ran, Cadance afraid to look back in fear of what she might see as she clung to the center of the alleyway.
Every building front seemed so unfamiliar as she checked them for her goal, making her wonder if she really remembered where it- Wait! There! How had it gotten into the little blind alley between those two buildings, how had it gotten there?
Inequine insectile invectives erupted in the passages behind them, startling Cadance for a moment. Shining jingled a massive ring of metal pieces next to Cadance's ear, scaring the poor princess into a yelp. He dropped the collection of wall anchors to the ground next to her as he tried to reach her to stroke her mane. "A lot of poor ponies are going to be really mad about that, but the net I wove on their laundry and clotheslines should keep those things busy."
Cadance smooched him on his smudged cheek, whispering into his ear. "I love you."
"Yeah, i get that a lot. Must be because of how awesome I am." Shining bent a foreleg, posing so he could flex a muscle trying to look tough for Cadance. The pink alicorn poked him unimpressedly with a shot off to the belly. "Hey! That's not fair unless I'm on my own hooves!"
Cadance's blue bubble of magic popped dramatically like a soap bubble around him, dropping the shield-spinning stallion on his rump for his trouble. As he rubbed his head where it had hit the ground in his fall, Cadance reached out with a hoof to help him up with her leverage. As Shining flopped back to his hooves and belly she turned back to the entrance of the blind alley worriedly even as she teased Shining further. "You're a soft and squishy awesome. Especially when it comes to love. Can you block off this alley fully?"
"Sure, but we can't stay here. We'll be trapped until the guard arrives." Shining closed his eyes as he wove a multi-layered shield that shimmered with energy between the two buildings at the entrance, choking off the alley entirely.
Cadance turned back to the back of the alley, walking towards the almost unadorned storefront at the back of it. "No, no we won't be, Shining. Welcome to Uncle's."
Shining followed her gaze, his eyes widening as he realized where she had brought them to. Icy chills shivered down his spine as he remembered the old tales his mom had told him. "Wait a minute, Cadey! I've heard of places like this, they're always bad news!"
Cadance stepped around Shining, gingerly trotting over and around the piles of old newspapers stacked up against the brick walls of the alley. She looked up into the imposing and barren storefront from where she stood, staring up into the third story window still lit above the store. The Neighpon stone facade sent just as many shivers down her spine as it had the first time she had beheld it many years before. Striding up to the small and darkened front door, the princess of love pushed it open and stepped into the gaping maw of fate knowing that the store owner would sense it.
"Cadey? Cadance wait- auuwghh, I hate this job some days." Shining galloped after her after a brief hesitation. Fearfully, he slid to a skittish halt just inside the door as he saw the impossibility within. "Cadey, it's bigger on the inside."
The front door slammed shut behind them, locking ominously in the process. Mare and stallion jumped slightly at the crashing sound, their hooves clicking delicately on the checkerboard marble tile floor. Creaking movements rumbled throughout the building as if it was leaning inwards upon them as foreboding pops rumbled through the ceiling.
"Auntie Celestia designed the place, Shiney. It's supposed to be that way. And this creepy." Cadance shivered as she lit her horn, casting a sphere of light into the room to see with. The dimmed store gloomily towered over them in the shadows cast by Cadance's spell. Even the shelves seemed to stretch on into eternity past the front counter that Cadance began determinedly walking towards. "Uncle? Uncle, I need to talk!"
Shining Armor nervously looked around, twitchily walking backwards behind Cadance as he warily watched the store. "I don't think he's home, Cadance." The creepy ancient objects surrounding them looked like things out of one of Twilie's Daring Do books. "Cadey, if Ahtazuhl or whatever he calls shows up, I think I'd teleport myself to the moon." At least the sign above the counter was pretty sensible.
TOUCH NOTHING!
ASK MANAGER FOR SHOP ASSISTANCE!
"Nice sign. You think maybe 'Uncle' blew himself up with something?" Shining chuckled to try and fight the ominous mood pervading the store, rubbing his helmet with a hoof. An odd humming caught his attention, coming from a sealed display case. A metal unicorn-looking skull within it seemed to glow with a slight green fire, not unlike the creatures that had ambushed them.
"Shining, Uncle is too careful for that. This store holds most of the stuff that Auntie Celestia doesn't want found. She trained him not to blow himself up." Cadance started ringing the service bell on the sparsely occupied counter as fast as she could in her frustration. Paying attention to Shining never even crossed her mind, or else she would have seen his trance-like movements.
The shield-stallion looked into the skull's eye sockets as a dim fire seemingly erupted within them. The strangest compulsion to come closer, to touch it bent his will to its own. He recognized the skull now, with the way that its horn cruelly and jaggedly bent and twisted, the fangs in its mouth. It was the skull of one of the creatures outside. It was encrusted in protrusions of wire and steel, in ways that would tear and gnaw at the flesh around itself. They had to be just some sort of husk around their skull. He wondered what it would feel like under his hoof, how easily the wire would bend at his will. He wanted to touch i-SMACK!
Shining jerked his hoof back from the thick glass as he recoiled from the smack. As he rubbed his hoof gingerly he noticed the wizened old stallion who still held a bamboo rod threateningly at him. "Sign say touch nothing! Goes double for you, Cadenza! You write in Blue Book of Destiny! EXACT OPPOSITE OF TOUCH NOTHING!"
"You didn't have to hit my hoof..." Shining set his hoof down as Cadance ran over.
"Uncle!"
The shopkeeper sidestepped Cadance, letting her glomp upon open air and fall to the ground. He drawled out his warning in wary tones as he stepped away from Cadance just to be sure. "No touching rule goes double for Uncle! Thought you banned from shop! I see no rule means anything anymore since you wrote on wings."
"I, uh, don't know anything about what you're talking about! I ascended from fulfilling my cutie mark to its perfect form, not by rewriting my destiny. That was only about that mess before my wedding." Cadance looked suspiciously guilty as she rolled onto her back, scuttling back slightly at the evil eye Uncle gave her.
A loud thump rattled echoingly against the door, followed by an uncountable swarm of further thumps along the storefront wall. Shining dashed over, throwing his weight against the door to block it as the thumps rapidly increased into a drum beat of attempts to get in. He called back over his shoulder to them as he cast yet another shield upon the stone wall. "They somehow broke through the outer shield!"
Uncle raised an eyebrow angrily as he glared down to an apologetically smiling Cadance. The pink alicorn let a weak 'heh-heh' escape her lips as she looked into his gaze. "You were the best of a lot of bad choices?"
"Who did you lead here?"
A chitinous black hoof burst through the door wrapped in the pink glow of Shining's shield. It groped about wildly, scraping at the wood of the door before Shining could grab the nearest heavy object and smash it with a heavy thud. The holed hoof withdrew alongside a snarl as the shield stallion pressed his back and another new layer of shielding against the door.
"Aaaiiiiyaaaah! You led changelings to the shop!?! Almost as bad as writing in Book of Destiny!" Uncle ran behind the counter, gripping a massive drawer in his teeth as he began to withdraw it and the heavy scroll within it. "Help Uncle with shop relocation spell, then both of you banned forever from shop!"
Cadance nodded, helping the old pony by floating out the massive scroll and rolling it out flat on the marble floor. Then she spotted the second hoof pushing through a section of the door. "Shiney, on your right!"
Shining looked over wide-eyed, seeing the hoof and head squirming through the thick wooden door and magic shields. He gruntingly raised the massive hammer he had picked up earlier, deftly jabbing with the handle in his grip. The changeling recoiled from the pain of getting poked in its glowing eyes; Shining flipping the hammer in the break provided so he could nail it back out of the store in a brilliant flash of pink light. Exactly in the same spot on the other side, another popped through, earning a swing of the hammer to fling it screaming back out of the alley. "Hurrying would be nice!"
Cadance spilled out the box of candles she had collected before Uncle. They flipped upright in the aura of her magic as fast as she could, letting the old shopkeeper place them in their positions on the parchment spell circle. Fizzling green flame burned over her head, dissipating as its energy was sucked into the structure of the shop. Cadance turned her head back, firing multiple bursts of energy back. "What's next?"
"Scroll of Judging. Shop will guide you, Back Row Number Twelve!" The wizened old shopkeeper laid his hooves on Cadance, smooshing her cheeks slightly as he turned her head to face the direction of the item in question.
She squeezed through his grasp, galloping off to fulfill the fetch request he had given her. Ducking into the mass of 'lost' items and secrets dipped her into darkness and forced her to light her horn in order to see her way. Eldritch tomes filled shelves to the brim, skulls of all sorts of creatures buzzed and rattled in their glass cases as the shop was attacked, jars and vials of strange and ominous oozes bubbled from her aura disturbing them as she ran deeper and deeper into the great secret archives. She counted off in her mind the rows and shelves she passed in her quest for the scrolls.
Front stacks, front stacks, the wide alley stretching off into seeming infinity between the front and back, back rows, back rows, back chaotic vault, back ro- there it was! Cadance fell onto her side as she tried to skid to a halt, sliding across the floor behind Starswirl's Elder Scrolls and the Discordian Scrawlings. Scrambling to her hooves, she rushed down the Row of Prophecy and Choice (or so the plaque on the front of it said). A spotlight flickered on up ahead, illuminating a massive and utterly filled rack of scrolls. Cadance thought it was a wild guess, but she was willing to put a great deal of good bits on those being the Scrolls of Judging.
Shelf after shelf passed by in the corners of her vision as she sprinted down the tight row for the rack. Cadance planted her hooves against the slick marble floor, yelping out an Eeip as she found she had no traction. As the store shook from something far to the front, a wooden-sounding scrape of something massive falling from the shelf thudded directly before her. The pink alicorn winced as she bounced off of whatever it was, sprawling out on the floor as the spin from her impact swept her hooves out from under her.
"Use the head!" Uncle's loud and obnoxious voice echoed back from the front of the store, competing with a massive gonging crash for the privilege of being comprehensible. "The hammer's head, not your own! Mystic power must be used to defeat Mystic power!"
Right. Where was she, again? Oh, right!
Scrolls of Choosing, Scrolls of Picking, Scrolls of Scrutiny, Scrolls of Predetermination, Scrolls of-
A dozen wooden thwocks rang out throughout the store, startling Cadance for a moment. Something whistled in just above her head, smacking home with an ugly 'Thunk'. Cadance looked up, examining the still quivering arrow embedded in the scroll rack less than a hooflength from her head, feeling the tiny crystal of pure hate embedded in its tip. Shining called back to her from the front of the store, sounding frantic as he did. "Sorry! Sorry! Bad day, didn't know it was loaded!" "Hwatcha of Hate always loaded!"
Scrolls of Judging! There they were. Cadance yanked the entire drawer out with a single violent tug of her magic, squeezing it tight to her barrel with a wing as she turned around to dash back. Her first step was fine, but her second caught whatever had tripped her up when she had originally stopped, sending her tumbling headlong into the floor once more groaning in pain.
The mare felt along the edges of the object that had tripped her up twice, frowning as she felt something disturbingly familiar. It couldn't possibly be the same thing, not after Uncle locked them up. An opened book, each page two hooves wide and three tall, with almost engraved letters that flowed across its pages like water.
Somehow, she had been brought into contact with a Book of Destiny again. And it was open. The princess of love reignited her horn, her eyes widening as she saw her old hoofwriting scribble at the top of the page. Words flickered into existence in the strange script the book possessed, eternally shifting imperceptibly save for around where she had written. Fate was always in motion after all.
Though the nearly fixed entry at the bottom of the page was new. Speaking of two ponies utterly different but utterly right for one another, separated by mere circumstance and luck to be forever at odds instead of finding their heart's desires. Events that had been too faint and easy to manipulate to be seen before were now nearly etched into stone since she had last encountered it, taunting her with the unfairness of life.
Cadance flicked her eyes back up to her own entry at the thought, glad to see that the rather unfortunate set of events regarding a potential kidnapping at her wedding had yet to return. The space around her two sets of scribbles had filled with tiny writing, nearly imperceptible to her eye, and certainly unreadable. No matter, probably just clarifications of the destiny she had chosen. But that still left poor Aunt Luna and her never to be found lover... hmmm.
The sound of fighting continued to rage up front faintly. She still had time to make that one tiny change, to write in that Luna and- wow that was an odd mate for her, even by Cadance's standards. She just has to give them the chance to- "Cadey, hurrying would be nice! This Hwatcha-thingy is trying to eat my hoof!"
Right! Cadance etched in her changes with magic and snapped the book shut. She shifted the massively thick book onto the bottom shelf with all of her might and re-secured the box of scrolls she was carrying under her wing. Stone scraped as she exploded forth back into a gallop, running back to help. Earth pony might in her legs cut tiny divots into the marble with every step as she ate up distance like Auntie Celestia ate donuts from Pony Joes and Sugarcube Corner.
Everything was good, everything was going to work, her running form was the best that she had ever achieved, and nothing was going to stop her! Well, other than the cotton candy that drove itself up her nose as she drove herself past the locked down section containing discordian artifacts. Cadance's stride nearly sent her tumbling to the floor once more as she was temporarily blinded the pink alicorn slowing down so she could lick the sticky mess off her face. She could for the life of her figure out where the tiny floating puff of the stuff had come from. Certainly not up... front?
Shining Armor busily beat off the changelings with his newly found hammer in one branch of his telekinetic grip and with a shield bubble holding some strange snapping wooden thing making unholy gnashing sounds in the other. The beleaguered guard captain was swinging over and over as fast as he could to keep the changelings out. As soon as he slammed a changeling back out one of the holes, another would appear chittering evilly. The rapid slams over and over again shook the shop like a giant bass drum, shaking all the glass in the area.
A particularly persistent and hard to reach changeling managed to squeeze a little farther out of its hole, blocking the hammer blow with a shield of its own. Shining swung the object of his hate around, turning the shield it was encased within permeable to living objects as he did. The creepy wooden boxy-legged thing latched onto the changeling like a spider and the sounds of brittle chitin being chewed nauseatingly filled the shop as the black insect-pony was attacked. The poor thing's hooves flailed before it ripped itself back out of the hole, screeching all the way.
The wooden hole-filled box seemed to spit out pieces of chitin, bleaghing before it straightened up and began wriggling it's segmented tendrils or legs, or whatever the horrible-looking things dangling from it were. It somehow and impossibly turned, snapping with a set of hideous gnashing jaws at Shining once more.
"Cadey, take over! This thing is trying to eat me!" Shining Armor nabbed the scroll box with his magic, dropping his massive hammer into her telekinetic aura as he did. The pink alicorn squeaked as she just barely caught the hammer, stumbling back from the weight pressed into her aura.
"Uncle does not wish to be bothersome, but the ritual needs Scroll of Judging!" Uncle shook his spare forehoof from the center of the ritual scroll circle where he stood balancing on his other. A thousand tiny candles lit up the nodes of the circle, crackling arcs of energy passing between them as they issued forth billows of magic infused smoke. Uncle busily drove the smoke towards the front of the store with fans strapped to his waving hindlegs that he hung in midair.
Shining chucked a scroll at Uncle, hoping to bean one of the sources of his troubles between the eyes. The wizened old pony switched the hoof he was balancing on in the same impossible fraction of a second that he used to reach up with his newly freed hoof and snatched it out of midair without looking or breaking his chanting.
"Not that I'm rushing you or anything, but can you please hurry up so we can get this thing to stop trying to eat me!" Shining shook the shield bubble to disorient the unholy strap-on hwatcha. It was scary watching its twisted maw trying to eat magic, chewing at the bubble and actually dimpling it. Angular ripping teeth lunged forward like lightning, buzz-sawing a circular hole in the bubble to snap at Shining's face. The poor stallion jumped back in startlement as the creature kept pushing through. "It's trying to eat my face!"
"Do not rush deep magic! Chant 'Bad Hwatcha!' three times. Smack top with hoof, then say 'No Eating Shining Armor Idiot!'"
Shining gulped as the hellish construct snapped at his face again, dangerously close to freeing itself and eating his head. His voice cracked as he began chanting, wondering why his sister never had to put up with madness like this. "Bad Hwatcha, Bad Hwatcha! BAD HWATCHA!"
The construct jerked back as if Shining had set it on fire, whining somehow as it tried to retreat from Shining as he took stock of his recovered courage. His armored hoof cracked against the top surface, scuffing the wood as the thing yelped from the impact. "No Eating Shining Armor Idiot!"
It shriveled up instantly with a whimper, returning to its inanimate status. Shining flung it away from himself, hoping he would never see it again. "I got it!"
"Great Shiney, a little help!?!" Cadance rapidly poked changeling after changeling in the eyes as they tried to come through the wall. She had long since abandoned the hammer when it refused to place nice with her magic's grip. A cloud of crystal shards surrounded her, diving at any changeling that got too close for comfort. The crystals seemed to glimmer oddly as she rushed them at changelings like the breaking of an ocean wave.
"First need paw of monkey! Ritual cannot be completed without it!" Uncle ran back and forth between shelves, gathering the final components for the ritual in a hurried fashion, pausing every time to fan at the smoke.
"Sorry Cadey!" Shining ducked into the shelves, looking up and down past parchments and glowing blue hearts of doom. Directional guides quickly pointed him in the general direction as Shining slid between the oppressively tall shelves. He tried to ignore the sense that the walls pressing in on him in judgment, and the angry cries of Cadance as she fought. He turned the corner, and could literally feel his mane and coat bleaching to an impossible shade of white as he beheld the sight before him.
Hooves and feet and horns and unspeakable tentacle.... thingies lined the aisle in thick glass jars. The corridor seemed to stretch on forever, cataloguing things that had no name anymore. No description, only dread warnings. He was probably going to be looking for-
"Shining Armor, I'm not supposed to be an angry pony, but so help me if you don't hurry up, I'm- GET OFF ME YOU UGLY BUG!" The shop thundered with a massive pulse of blue magic, rattling everything where it sat.
"Uh, I found the aisle!" Shining nervously called back to the front, afraid of what Cadance might do to him. Cautiously he stepped into the glittering display of everything gruesome and disturbing in existence. And not a single label was in Common Equish. Shining looked at label after label, wincing each time the shelves rocked and swayed with his movements as he looked for a label he could read. Was it so hard to follow proper labeling and indexing habits? Twiley couldn't get this place sorted out in a year, he bet. "How am I supposed to find anything!? It's all in Neighponese!"
The irritated shopkeeper called back to him, seeking the sound of Shining's voice. "Looks like paw of Diamond Dog, but furless!"
Right, so... paw. Duh, he knew th-
Shining Armor groaned as his thoughts slammed against the front of his skull with their remaining momentum. All he had heard was a brief wooden moan before he had tripped or gotten hit by something. It almost sounded like a single-binding copy of the Encyclopedia Equestria falling from two stories up, actually. Felt like it too.
Shining shuddered as he realized how much his sister had influenced him.
Hay, it was a book. The weirdest book he had ever seen, bound in crimson and brass menacingly. The massive book had flopped open when it had fallen on him, the thick pages having parted without crease or bend in their forms. Almost like the book was meant to open to that page. Shining raised his hoof to shove the book out of his way and keep looking, only to stop as he saw his name at the top of a page of ever-shifting text.
"Shining Armor loses battle against the Changeling Horde to save his future wave from kidnap and conversion into a portable love generator? Shining Armor rewrites destiny to save wife... What?"
"Shiiiin-iiiing!" Cadance sounded like she was in the throes of descending into an utter panic up front.
Hay, Uncle had said that she had written in a Blue Book of Destiny, and that it actually had an effect. Screw Uncle, he had to at least try it. One quick scratch-through and rewrite later, he shoved the book out of the way and looked up. "Oh." Shining couldn't think of much more to say as he became fairly sure that he was looking right at what he needed. He hoped. "Say, Uncle, is it long with little stubby toes on the end?"
"That Foot of Human; not paw of monkey! Switch it around, short with long toes! Right next to it!"
Oh, there it was. Shining nabbed its glass box with his magic, hopping over the book. It would take too long to run back to the front of the store, by that point anything could happen to Cadance from the sounds of her desperate fight. Okay, hay, it was a stupid idea, but teleportation couldn't be nearly as hard as Twilight made it out to be. It couldn't be, she always was overstating everything. He'd seen her do it, memorized the spell. All he had to do was align the aetherial lines, bridge the gap, and-
.... Ah. Surprisingly, Twilight might have underestimated it. Shining mused in his head on the matters of why his mane and tail were on fire from a relatively low-powered spell. Probably due to energy flux from the point-linking needing a place to ground out, leaving him as the only viable option.
He tossed the paw at Uncle as he shook himself out of his stupor, making a running dive for his fiancée’s form as he saw her nearly completely buried in changelings and being dragged out the door. The still aflame unicorn dove in, punching and gnawing and fighting for all he was worth as he struggled to push his hooves into the pile. "Let he go, you bug-eyed freaks!"
A changeling writhed as Shining caught it by the neck, fighting the hold the shield-pony had on it just before it met the head of another changeling and knocked them both out. Shining swept a hoof one way, blasting his magic through the conductive lines on his armor to blow a dozen changelings into a wall in the alley. Cadance's struggling hooves were beginning to slacken, getting tugged back down into the morass of monsters menacingly. Shining threw another blast of shield energy, trying desperately to clear away the changelings so he could grab her. "Cadey!"
Her roughed-up hooves reached up, grabbing his hoof with her own as she tried to pull herself free. "Pull Cadey, hang on!" Shining tried to fire off a shield bubble to force the creatures all away, but he couldn't hold it. They were draining his magic somehow, preventing it from forming properly into a bubble, leaving him only able to strategically protect himself.
Cadance began to pull free of the pile, coated in green slime from wingtips to muzzle. Her eyes were wide as panic as she continued to weaken, only able to get a tiny amount of air through the tiny whistling holes in the molded green mask that was keeping her silent. She muffledly cried out to him, bending her head forward to touch him, feel him, hoping her could save her from her fate. Shining bent towards her as well, trying to bear hug her to keep the changelings off, their horns arcing slightly as they drew closer and closer, and then touched.
It was like Celestia had poured all of her energy into him in one brief glorious moment. Every hair on his body stood up nearly hard enough to launch themselves clean of their roots as everything turned blue and pink. Shining and Cadance's bodies went limp in the aftermath of the reaction, flopping against each other without any energy. Flopping against each other, with no creatures between them.
Shining opened his eyes as Cadance gasped for air again and again, breathing deeply as she pressed her head in tight against his chest. The creatures laid every which way, many of them partially embedded into the sides of the alley when they had somehow been blown clear. He looked down, seeing Cadance's scuffed and dirtied form speckled with the remains of the green goo she had nearly been cocooned in. "Cadey, c'mon, move."
Shining hauled Cadance back to her hooves, firing magic bolts of energy with his remaining strength. The few changelings that had found themselves able to get back up went down again under the onslaught as he half-dragged Cadance's limping form through the door. Shining let Cadance slump against the ground as he called back to the shopkeeper once more. "Is the ritual ready yet?"
"Do not rush magic! Result will be unpredictable!"
Shining slid Cadance a little further into the shop, slumping back against her facing the door to watch as the changelings picked themselves up once more. The remains of the door slowly pieced themselves back together within his magic, roughly blocking the door with an improvised barricade. Shining spoke up one last time, knowing he had almost no fight left in him.
"Not to be rude, but if you don't rush you'll never finish!"
"Arrgh! Aiyaah! By prayers wished and unanswered, by needs once unfulfilled! For pacts of truth and misfortune, and false deeds of prosperity! Find this shop where it is not desired; place it in the greatest need!" Everything seemed to dim and darken, growing black as sight faded.
Sluuuuuuuurrrr-
POP!
And just as suddenly came back, blinding Shining with the morning sun in his face. "Did the universe just sneeze?"
Shining picked himself back up into a sitting position from where he had rocked over in the strange darkness, groaning at the ache of his body and the strange object he was sitting on. Checking himself over with his hooves seemed to indicate that everything was in its proper place. At least the creatures were gone, and he had a comfortable enough spot to just slip into a nice nap, even if it did wriggle a little.
"Shining, as much as our current position would be absolutely yummy in private, not right now!" Oh buck, he was sitting on Cadance.
The pink alicorn struggled and wriggled beneath Shining, pushing him over to roll onto the floor. Shining flopped to his back lying next to her in the peace of wherever they had been transported to. The pair panted from having worked so hard to protect themselves, Shining laying a forehoof across her chest to feel the slow and steady deep breaths that made her trim pink fur rise and fall.
The white charger blushed crimson as he realized just what she had suggested and wanted. He didn't deserve such a beautiful, charming, snuggly, humbly good mare like her. Their eyes met, the duo blinking as they realized how entrancing their gazes were. The pair inched their heads across the floor, nuzzling one wriggle at a time closer and closer to pressing their lips together, granting the kiss they had both been desiring.
SMACK! SMACK!
Two voices spoke as one as they jerked back from the pain. "OW!"
"That is for causing the most property damage since Morningstar tried to summon Moon in backroom!" Uncle fearlessly berated both of them, shaking his hoof at them in deep irritation. With the new bright and cheerful illumination streaming through the damaged front, his formerly ominous features seemed more like a cheery old grandfather than a menacing old monk. He stepped back, waving a hoof to show how the front section of the shop had been torn up by blasts of energy and hammering changelings. He scowled a little further as he reached into the satchel he had picked up while they had been laying down. "And this,"
Uncle pulled out two coupons from within his bag, letting them flutter to the couple's chests from his outstretched hoof. "-Is for helping Uncle protect his shop. And in light of future blessings upon happy couple. But! Must use them now, because you both are banned forever!"
Cadance couldn't help herself, moaning in pain from her ribs as she cracked up and chuckled at the absurdity of it all. Rolling to her hooves, she took the two coupons; stick one behind her ear and another behind Shining's. "Thank you, Uncle. I'm so sorry for the mess, I didn't know where else to go."
"Don't look at me like that, Cadey. I'm just assigned to guard you, and everypony from you. You're the one with the ma-OW!" Shining rubbed his ribs where Cadance's elbow dug in, squirming away from it as he did. A pity the stupid coupon was going to go to waste because he couldn't think of anything he wanted to get his precious pink gemstone. Wait a second.
Shining Armor snagged his forehoof around Cadance's neck, dragging her into a kiss that left her muffledly yelping in surprise. Her eyes widened in shock, and bewilderment, and love. And then beloved acceptance. Her outstretched wings twitched slightly as they moaned into each other's mouths, falling limp to her sides as he pulled free. The couple looked at each other with utter certainty and dumbfounded wonder. Both of them knew exactly what they should have picked up three months ago, no matter how much it cost them.
Uncle chucked to himself as he watched them break away from each other and run in separate directions in a headlong mad sprint. And then just as suddenly come back as they found what they were looking for. Each carried a jewelry box in their mouths, spitting it out onto their hooves as they faced each other again. Saying nothing, he watched them trip over each other's words in their haste to get them out of their mouth.
"Shiney, this is kind of unusual-" "Cadey, this is kind of sudden-" "-But I just can't bear the thought of losing you-" "-But I almost lost you, my beloved wonderful little crystal heart of my life-" "-And I just know you're the one I was destined for-" "-And I know you're the one I want to spend eternity with-" "-So Shining, I'm begging you, will you marry me?" "-Cadey, I'm begging you to marry me!"
Pregnant silence slowly pressed down upon both of them as their words sank into their heads. Both opened their eyes to discover themselves in nearly identical kneels of submission and supplication to their beloved, with the band of their affection sitting upon their outstretched hooves. Tears welled up in their eyes and the slightest sniffle of love and joy from Cadance was enough to break their revere. Shining swept up his fiancé, hugging her and kissing her nearly to death as loudly as he could as he took their respective rings up with his magic and slipped them onto their horns.
"True love. Uncle has seen it many a time. Causes allergic reaction and itchy watery eyes no matter how many times I have seen it. The Ring of Strength for the little love song, and Ring of Cunning upon the headstrong armored foal." Uncle clapped his hooves together in a moment of nicety for the couple. Clapping quickly turned back to pointing as soon as the moment finished. "Rings are free. Now, OUT! Uncle must clean up shop to be fit for daylight!"
Cadance and Shining didn't need to be told twice, and tripped over each other to squeeze out the door, refusing to separate contact between them. Beyond the door was now a bustling little village that spread out under the watchful gaze of Canterlot sitting on the mountain. Thatched cottages lined the street and a stream trickled beneath the cobblestone bridge before them as they gaped at how far they had come. Then Uncle slammed the door on their rumps and immediately locked it so that they couldn't come in.
Ponyville. They had both heard the stories from Twilight about the crazy town, and the Pink Party Ninja. Oh, buck their lives.
Cadance spoke up first as she slid her forehead into the crook of Shining's neck until her horn rubbed the side of his head. "My Snuggy-Wuggy Shiney Whiney. Are we going to fly, take the train, or go to your sister to take a letter?"
"Does my Cuddy-Wuddy Cadey-Wadey want to explain to Twilight how we got engaged? And she's friends with Pinkie. I say train." Shining threw his hoof around Cadance, snugging her tighter to his barrel as he looked for the telltale signs of the train station. "I am never, ever letting you go."
"But for you to let go, I'd have to let go first." Cadance draped her wing over Shining, bending it tight over his form to prevent his escape. "And that's not going to happen. But who knows when the next train is going to be. I say flight. I bet I could get a balloon up the mountain in record time."
"A balloon? Hah! I know some crazy guard stallions who can run up the side of the mountain dragging a train car." Shining looked around nervously, hearing the oddest rustling. "You hear that, Shoompey-do?"
"That rustling, like somepony sneaking through the... bushes?"
"HI! HA! New Ponies have escaped my Party-Fu!" Pinkie Pie shattered any hope of leaving town quietly as she leapt from the bushes clad in black from tailtip to the frayed ends of her mane. Her eyes could just barely be seen through the slit in her full face mask as she waved her hooves in a vaguely menacing fashion, somehow pulling a full cake from behind her back in the process. "Nopony escapes the New Pony Party of the Ponyville Ninja Party Planner!"
Cadance looked to Shining, who looked back to his fiancée uncertainly. There had to be something to chase her off and make a break for it with. Cadance's quivering lips of indecision turned to a smile of smug knowledge as she raised her hoof to point at the store behind her. "Hey, look! Is that Uncle Pie?"
"Oh, hey Uncle Pie!" Pinkie bounced around them, shoving her head through one of the holes knocked in the front facade of the shop.
"Hello Pinkamina. Shoo! Shoo! Shop no place for you!"
Pinkie wriggled her way into the storefront, her hindlegs kicking in the air as she enthusiastically tried to hug her relative inside. "Hey, how else am I supposed to meet my favoritest uncle in the world? I never saw you again after Nana Pie died! I won't touch anything!"
Cadance and Shining quietly gave each other 'run away!' gestures. The pair started creeping away, trying not to touch any cobblestone or make a sound, and periodically nuzzling each other to remind themselves that their special somepony was still there. The crunching of broken glass could be heard, and Uncle's raised voice echoed over the street as he ratted them out.
"Go bug them! You still need to throw new pony party for newly engaged royal couple!"
"Hey, wait! I can't chase you guys and hug Uncle Pie at the same time! Come baaa~aackl"
Shining broke into a gallop, with Cadance not far behind him. "Run Cadey, she's going to get us!"
“I am running!”
“Run faster!”
Tenderhoof nudged Luna with his shoulder to gain her attention over the roar of the crowd. "Do you want me to clear out the court, your majesty?"
"Nay. Some of them are watching. It would fuel speculation that we have not reformed. We shall have to resolve this diplomatically." Luna looked over the seething crowd, preparing to speak. Starting near the top of her voice range would get their attention. And the attention of everypony else in Canterlot.
But it was not her voice that spoke first. "Excuse me. EXCUSE ME!" A blue heart blazing with fire rushed up from a figure at the doors, exploding near the top of the room in a starburst of blue light that dusted the entire court with sparkles drifting down.
And Luna found that she couldn't remember why she had been so mad just a moment before. Her racing heartbeat of anxiety and irritation faded as the sparkles fell upon her, clearing her mind. She could handle things, it was so clear now that she had some room to breathe in. But why had they even- ah, a power play, perhaps? They were meant to test her Tia, but since she was out on vacation, they had been turned on her to see if she could be easily pressured.
"A-Ah..." Shining Armor panted at the doorway, clutching a hoof at his chest as he caught his breath. "Announcing her royal highness Princess Cadance!"
"I'm so dreadfully sorry that I'm late, Aunt Luna. If you had given me some warning, I would have been here sooner! Just ran into some trouble with some unfortunate ponies. The silly dears thought they were ninjas or something. Poor Shining just drove himself half to death trying to keep up." Cadance spoke softly as she flew over the crowd, landing somewhat clumsily before the throne and bowing in supplication.
Author's Note
Takes place during the events of Trading Places
