Robotic Stallion: Love Machines

by Hooves Like Jagger

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character, Princess Cadance, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 37097

Nil and Null are reactivated, but this time their prime directive is to be excellent coltfriends.

Ponies have done some crazy things for love, but Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash have come up with the hair-brained scheme to top them all. Based on the success Applejack had with her ex-automaton husband, they decide to wake up the robots Nil and Null. They don't see the harm in having the machines masquerade as their special someponies for the day. Surely, it won't have any lasting consequences.

Published 2012-11-26 05:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-19 02:00:12 UTC

II: Batteries

II: Batteries

Robotic Stallion: Love Machines
Author: HoovesLikeJagger
Chapter 2

"Dinner is served everypony!" Cadence announced as she entered the dining room with several platters of food floating behind her. She set the lavish repast upon the table, allowing the battalion of smells to invade her guests' noses. She'd enlisted a vegetable lasagna as the main course and steam asparagus as a side dish. Sweet potatoes armed with gooey marshmallows and a pile of freshly baked dinner rolls were also conscripted into the regiment. There was also an apple pie and plenty of vanilla ice cream in the reserves, just in case there were any survivors. The outcome of this meal looked bleak for hunger.

Everypony was about to dig in to the scrumptious looking meal, but Cadence stopped them.

"Let's not be hasty, everypony," she said. All the ponies at the table reluctantly complied, but each wore their desire to just begin eating on their faces. Even Princess Celestia had a hungry look behind her regal composure. "We should wait until everypony is at the table."

"Who do you mean?" Twilight asked. Cadence smiled directly at her, making Twilight more than just a little nervous. There was mischief written all over Cadence's face.

"The two, fine gentlecolts you brought should be arriving any moment now," Cadence said. Twilight and Rainbow Dash exchanged a confused look.

"Oh, are they feeling better?" Shining Armor asked.

"I hope so, I've been dying to meet these mystery colts ever since Cadence mentioned them," Twilight's mother said, putting her hoof onto her husband's hoof and giving him a loving look. It was one of those moments where the two of them were forced to come to grips with how grown up their children were.

"Yes, Cadence has told us so much... or, she's told us about them... she... told us they." Twilight's father searched for the right words as his smile faded. After a brief bout of muttering to himself, his smile spread again as he finally decided on what to say. "We know they exist!"

"I for one was surprised to hear of such a development from the two of you," Princess Celestia said. "I didn't even know you were looking, so to speak." Celestia's honeyed chuckle was received by two strained chuckles from Twilight and Rainbow Dash.

"Yeah... it all happened pretty quickly," Twilight said. She didn't have it in her to lie to the Princess and hiding certain truths from her made her jumpy. Rainbow Dash was all too aware of this, though. She listened to Twilight very carefully, just to make sure she didn't let the wrong detail slip. "Most of our friends are married now, so it's just something that was in the back of our minds. It was just a matter of time!" Twilight made another strained attempt to laugh.

"I suppose you're right," Celestia said with a sage nod. "So, tell us about these fine gentlecolts."

Twilight opened her mouth to say something, but Rainbow Dash extended her wing and whapped her right on the nose. She couldn't risk Twilight spilling the beans right off the bat.

"They're ponies we know." Rainbow Dash's vague answer raised a few eyebrows, but they couldn't argue with the logic. "We've known them for a while now."

"Do we know them?" Celestia asked.

"Yes," Twilight said, but was cut off by another strike of Rainbow Dash's wing before she could elaborate.

"Just let them explain themselves when they get here," Cadence urged.

"What makes you so sure they're coming?" Twilight asked. Cadence's guilt made her smile and divert her eyes to the ceiling, actions which made Rainbow Dash and Twilight wonder just what she was up to.

"I know you said not to, buuuuuuut~"

"But what?" the two single mares asked in unison.

"I used my spell to wake them up," Cadence confessed. While Shining Armor and Twilight's parent's made remarks about how thoughtful Cadence's actions were, Twilight and Rainbow Dash exchanged looks of wide-eyed horror. They nodded to one another, each knowing what had to be done.

"Well, they probably got lost in the hall," Twilight said in a stiff tone as she pushed away from the table. "We'll go find them and bring them here." Twilight threw her family and mentor a quick, fabricated smile before heading towards the exit.

"Yeah, you guys just hang tight in here," Rainbow Dash said as she trotted after her friend, disappearing into the hallway. "Don't move!" she said after poking her head back in for a split second.

Once they were out of sight, the two mares made a mad dash for the sitting room. They prayed to their Princess at the dinner table that the two robots were just standing in the middle of the room, awaiting orders. They ran into a problem when no such robots were found.

"They're gone? Why are they gone? Where did they go to?" Twilight asked in rapid fire as she searched about the room.

"I think they went out," Rainbow Dash said, pointing to the two windows without glass in them. Both mares stared into the quiet night while a draft drifted into the window and through their manes.

"What exactly did Cadence do to them?" Twilight asked, dropping to the floor and holding her head in her hooves. "Those two could be out there burning Canterlot to the ground! We have to go after them!"

"If we find them and they are going on a rampage, how do we stop them?" Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight didn't even hear Rainbow Dash's question; her one-track mind was chugging away in a panicked frenzy.

"I'll ask around town while you search for them in the air! If they're apart, lure them together so we can have a chance at shutting them off!"

"Rrrright... but how will we-"

"No time! Just go!" Twilight shouted before jumping out the window and then taking off down the street. Rainbow Dash had never seen her astute friend run so fast. She took off through the window as well, soaring to the sky to see if she could find either of the metal menaces. There was no way of knowing what they would wreck if left unchecked.

"Halt, citizen. Do you know the whereabouts of one Twilight Sparkle or one Rainbow Dash?"

The two gentlecolts looked over their monocles at the unicorn parked right in front of them. One of his beefy hooves was extended before them, deviating them from their intended course towards the Canterlot Opera House. Due to his size and cold demeanor, they thought he might be a mugger or a thief, but then they saw he was wearing a bow tie. It seemed unlikely that a thief would done a bow tie, so they heard his query out.

"Apologies sir, but we don't know who those ponies are," one gentlecolt explained while the other nodded in confirmation. Nil put his hoof down with a loud whir, a sound that didn't register in either gentlecolt's brain.

"Carry on," Nil droned. The ponies before him bowed before both parties departed in opposite directions. While walking, Nil cycled his head back and forth, scanning his surroundings for any sign of his targets. His optical sensors indicated movement above him, so he zeroed in on the object and identified it as his companion Null. Null landed with a graceful thud on the cobble street.

"This unit's sweep of this area has turned up no results. Has Nil produced any usable results?" Null asked.

"Negative," Nil responded. "Probability of success will increase by adjusting search area to the next city block."

"Affirmative. Beginning aerial sweep protocols." Null spread his wings and took off into the sky again. Nil marched ahead on the ground, heading to the next block in order to gather information from the citizens in the area. So far, nopony could provide him with any useful or relevant information, but not asking would decrease his probability of success in his mission.

Meanwhile, Null flew overhead and scanned the streets with a bird's eye view. There weren't too many ponies out this late at night, which made his search easier since he didn't have to examine large crowds. This made searching from a high altitude easier as well, which he had opted to do in order to avoid the need to calculate Canterlot's tall buildings into his flight pattern. He could keep his eyes pointed down whilst he flew, except for the occasional glance upwards to ensure he wasn't about to run into a pedestrian. Soon enough, his targets would located without incident.

*thunk*

Null's flight instrumentation went bonkers as something rammed into his head from his nine o'clock. He fought to right himself and restore his power of flight, but his newfound momentum was too staggering to counteract. He fell, spinning, into the roof of a nearby skyscraper. After going through the roof, he fell through a dining room table, the floor, a hot tub, the floor, a collection of priceless antiques, the floor, and a pool table before coming to a halt on the second floor of the now destroyed apartment building. At this point the structural integrity of the building was vastly compromised, so the second floor simply gave way.

"Hah, he wasn't so tough," Rainbow Dash said to herself as she observed the result of her assault on Null. "Big Lugnut didn't even budge when I punched him in the face." No sooner has she finished gloating when a streak of blue rose up from the hole in the building's roof. She expected the mechanical stallion to come after her, but instead it made a beeline for the ground. She flew after him, not wanting him to do any more damage.

"Evacuate the area, citizens. Data indicates this building is structurally unsound," Null said, letting down the three ponies he'd carried from the destroyed building. "Contact the proper authorities and the local stone mason." The rescued ponies thanked their mysterious savior, completely oblivious to the fact that he had been the cause of their home's destruction. In Null's defense, it wasn't entirely his fault.

"Hey! Bolts-For-Brains!" Rainbow Dash yelled from above. Everypony but Null looked up at her.

"If you are experiencing any physical pain or suspect you have been injured, transport yourself to the nearest infirmary," Null continued to council the ponies he'd rescued. The term "Bolts-For-Brains" was not a registered name in his data storage.

"Hey, I'm talking to you!"

This time, Null turned his head. He'd ignored the previous outburst, but since the second had potential to be addressed to him he analyzed it to see if the speech matched anypony he'd encountered before. When he ran it against Rainbow Dash's voice he got a match. Looking behind him, he gained visual confirmation of his primary target. He spread his wings and flew up after her, leaving a trail of blue sparks and azure static in his wake.

"Yeah, come and get me!" Rainbow Dash taunted. She streaked off, killing any sort of chance Null had at catching her.

"Affirmative. Engaging pursuit," Null responded. His wings flashed momentarily before he gave them a mighty beat. His metal chasis screamed through the sky after the blue pegasus.

Prompted by the sound of a large crash, Nil cantered over to the source of the noise in order to assess the situation. Based on the volume of the crash, he calculated a very high probability that his target heard the noise as well. At the scene of the destruction, he scanned the growing crowd of citizens for Twilight Sparkle.

"What even happened here?" Nil caught a citizen asking.

"I don't know. It looks like a meteorite fell on the thing."

Nil dismissed the notion of a meteorite immediately. If any spacial debris fell to earth, his optical sensors would have seen it before the crash happened. The probability of him missing the sight of a meteorite was dismissively low. He resumed his search for Twilight Sparkle.

"There's somepony trapped inside!"

Nil turned his attention towards the building and looked it over. The probability of the trapped pony being Twilight Sparkle could not be overlooked. Although he checked and double checked the crumbling structure, his optical sensors didn't see signs of anypony. He did, however, see a group of stallions trying to remove some rubble blocking the entrance. Their efforts were proving futile, but Nil calculated he could move the rock with ease. He made his way through the crowd, intending to rectify the situation and ascertain the identity of the trapped pony.

There were protests from several bronze-clad stallions as he approached the rubble, but they were unsuccessful in physically stopping him. He stopped before the doorway and took another, closer look at the dislodged piece of building blocking it. It was but a trivial chunk of concrete and iron. His audio sensors picked up the muffled calls of a female voice from behind the door, so he decided to forgo any further structural analysis of the rubble and simply spring into action.

A crackling, blue bolt of energy jumped from his horn and hit the concrete chunk. The rock itself lit up with a dull blue while electricity arced across it. Nil began lifting it away, but slowly to prevent damage to nearby structures. With the rock levitated safely above his head, a group of stallions rushed to open the door to the damaged building. Nil locked onto the mare who emerged, but found she was not Twilight Sparkle. The pony before him was much too young.

"My baby!"

"Mommy!" A mare rushed forward and swept the filly into her hooves. The crowd that had gathered cheered for the mysterious hero. Nil shifted his focus from the scene, needing to resume the search for his target. Before he could depart, he needed to find a safe place to set down the slab of concrete.

*boom*

Nil's telepathic grip fizzled out as the rock he'd been carrying exploded, sending a cascade of small stones into the crowd. Nil scanned over the crowd, trying to determine what had disposed of the debris.

"Alright, stop right there!" Twilight Sparkle shouted as she pushed her way through the crowd. Her horn smoked from recent use, but it still glowed violet with another shot ready to fire. Nil, who was busy making sure the probability was one hundred percent for the mare before him being Twilight Sparkle, didn't react as a stream of magic jumped out and grabbed him.

Twilight Sparkle reached into Nil, but she found that she was unable to reprogram him. Whatever Cadence did to him, she couldn't undo.

"Target located," Nil stated after getting a positive identification. Twilight noticed that the machine was coming towards her. She hadn't thought her plan out quite this far, so in her panic she decided to just turn tail and run.

"Target fleeing. Initiating pursuit." Nil broke into an all out gallop. Twilight sped up to attempt to outrun him, but she seriously underestimated how fleet the machine was. Nil was past and then in front of her only moments after she exited the crowd around the building. "Target attained. Initiating prima-"

Twilight didn't give him time to finish. She lit her horn and teleported out of there. Nil scanned the surrounding area for any sign of her, but she was nowhere to be found.

"Error. Target lost." Nil resumed his search, calculating that the probability of her being nearby was high. In a nearby alleyway, Twilight peeked out to make sure she was no longer being followed. Nil was heading away from her down the street. She was relieved, until she remembered that she needed to lure Nil to Null somehow.

"Great... just great," Twilight said to herself. She stepped out of the alley and yelled at Nil. "Hey, Nil! I'm over here!"

Nil spun his head around and reestablished visuals on his target. This time, she would not be allowed to escape.

A big, clunky robot like Null had no business trying to outfly a Wonderbolt. Rainbow Dash had years and years of flying experience and training under her belt. Top speed for most pegasi her age was a leisurely glide for her. She broke the sound barrier whenever it pleased her. Not even her fellow Wonderbolts boasted her incredible talent paired with dedicated training. The air was her domain. Even if he was a machine, Null was an incalculable fool for even entertaining the thought of overtaking the pony some considered speed incarnate.

All that aside, there was something to be said about the infinite stamina of a robot.

"He... is... p-*pant*-ersistent... I'll gi... give him that," Rainbow Dash said, wheezing all the while. She'd flown circles and squares and every other shape she could think of around and over the city, but she'd failed to track down Twilight Sparkle or Nil. Now she was running on fumes and an empty stomach. Forgetting she had a mechanical pursuer, she stopped and alighted on a cloud in order to catch her breath.

"Escape is futile. Target at-" Null's voice cut off as he blew clean through the cloud. Rainbow Dash leaned over the hole to see where he went. "Attained." She jumped when Null popped up behind her. He landed on the fluffy cloud, which Rainbow Dash was surprised to see held him up.

"Uh-oh." Rainbow Dash had nowhere to run. Well, she had the open sky around her, but she was too tired to use any of her escape routes. Null towered over her.

"Initiating primary programming," he said. Rainbow Dash held her eyes shut, getting ready for whatever the machine had in store for her. She waited to be shot by a laser, to be stomped into smithereens, to be dropped from outer space. She waited. She did a lot of waiting. She did so much waiting she began to wonder if she was already dead. She popped one eye open.

Null was just standing there silent as a statue, looking down at her.

"Aren't you... going to crush me?" Rainbow Dash asked. She didn't want to be crushed, killed, destroyed or anything of the sort, but if it was going to happen she wanted to just get it over with.

"Negative. Crushing you would interfere with my primary programming," Null explained. Rainbow Dash stopped cowering so she could make a confused expression at Null.

"You're not going to crush me?" she asked.

"Negative."

"Are you going to crush the city?"

"Negative."

"Are you going to crush anything?"

"Answer is variable. If crushing aligns with my primary programming, crushing will be carried out without fail," Null said.

"How about no crushing at all?" Rainbow Dash suggested, still a little afraid of what might happen to her if she hung around too long. Her breath was returning. She just needed to stall him a little longer.

"Is crushing not a course of action Rainbow Dash favors?" Null asked. Rainbow Dash shook her head. She shook her head for dear life. "This unit will factor this suggestion into his future actions. Know that this unit will crush if crushing is necessary to fulfill its primary function."

"What... is your primary function?" Rainbow Dash asked. She stretched her wings out. They were a bit tight from overuse, but she had more than enough in her to make a daring escape.

"To love Rainbow Dash."

Rainbow Dash nearly tumbled off the cloud as her escape attempt was halted by complete and utter disbelief. She landed back on the cloud and gawked up at Null.

"Repeat that."

"How many times?" Null asked.

"Huh?"

"Error. Cannot multiply non-integer by non-integer."

"No, no, no. What did you say your primary function was," Rainbow Dash said, clarifying what her exact query was.

"To love Rainbow Dash."

She let that sink in for a few seconds. Null basically just said he loved her. Rainbow Dash never had a stallion just tell her that straight out. She'd always hoped her first confession would be a bit more... alive.

"Uh.... huh. So... do you even know how to love somepony?" Rainbow Dash asked. Null remained quiet. He silently searched through his memory for the proper way to execute his "Love" programming.

"Affirmative."

"Can't you just say 'yes' and 'no' like everypony else?" Dash asked.

"Affirmative."

Rainbow Dash decided to fight that battle another day.

"Alright, then explain it to me. How do you plan on 'loving' me?"

Null examined his love function. Within the function to love was just a return of the love function; a recursive function. He could love Rainbow Dash by loving Rainbow Dash by loving Rainbow Dash in an infinite loop. He'd been running it before, but it did not appear to have any sort of measurable effect. He made an autonomous decision to rewrite the function so it would produce results. Based on his other functions, he set to work on deciding how the new "Love" function should operate.

"How should this unit love Rainbow Dash?" he asked. Rainbow Dash just continued staring at him. She was having an argument about love with a robot. She decided that when she saw Twilight again, she would make that unicorn promise not to wake up ancient machines no matter how hard Rainbow Dash pleaded.

"Look, buddy. You're a robot. Robots can't love," Rainbow Dash said.

"Negative. This unit can carry out the function," Null claimed.

"No, you can't," Rainbow Dash replied. "You can't do the things a stallion can do."

"Query: What functions can a stallion perform?" Null queried.

"For starters, stallions can be romantic." Rainbow Dash flipped her mane at Null. For one reason or another, she decided to get past the weirdness of talking to a machine. As long as he didn't try to kill her, he could ask all the questions he wanted. "You know? They know how to sweep a mare off her hooves, figuratively speaking, with just words. Poetry and stuff like that, I guess."

"Understood. This unit will knock Rainbow Dash off of her hooves with volumes cataloging works of prose."

"No, that's not it at all." Rainbow Dash shook her head while Null ran through the information she had given him over and over again. He couldn't find where he made an error. "You just can't be romantic. You don't know the way to a mare's heart."

"Through the ribcage."

"No!" Rainbow Dash broke in. "Not her actual heart, but her... like, emotional heart. That's why you can't love. You've got no emotions!"

Null was having trouble processing several things. As it stood, his love function wouldn't run without constant error. There were too many things that were undefined such as "sweep a mare off her hooves, figuratively speaking" and "emotional heart". There were also several lines that had something to do with poetry. He couldn't make heads or tails of what he was supposed to return once he ran everything.

"This unit does not understand. What purpose does the 'emotional heart' serve?"

"You know what? Figure it out yourself!" Rainbow Dash said. She had her breath back, so she decided it would be best to locate Twilight Sparkle. This time, she would do it at her leisure without worrying about a crazy robot chasing her.

Null stayed on the cloud, processing Rainbow Dash's final command.

"Affirmative."

Twilight Sparkle was growing impatient with the mechanical harbinger of her end. Five minutes ago he'd declared his target ascertained and stopped dead in front of her. She had her back to the wall in an alley, so if his plan was to destroy her he should've done it already.

"Are you going to stand there all night?" Twilight asked at long last. There was nothing more annoying than a hesitant antagonist.

"If events proceed as previously, the probability is high," Nil explained.

"What would you do if I left?" Twilight asked, searching the probability of her own escape.

"Nil would follow."

"And... what else?" Twilight waited for Nil to respond. Nil, on the other hoof, was dealing with another problem he'd encountered. He'd been running the love function since he cornered Twilight Sparkle, but doing so had produced no measurable results. The probability of the function being defective or incomplete was extremely high. He needed to edit the program so he could properly fulfill his primary function.

"Twilight Sparkle." The unicorn being addressed jumped, not expecting the machine to call to her by name. She thought that maybe this was it; this is the moment he shoots me with a laser beam or drops a big rock on me. Her magic was spent from teleporting too many times. With no way to resist, she braced herself for the end. "I request your assistance in rewriting function 'love'."

"... What?" Twilight was absolutely certain she heard that wrong. "You want me to... tell you how to love?"

"Affirmative."

"But, why?" Twilight asked. She knew she had originally woken Nil up with the intention of having him act as her special somepony, but she never specified any sort of way to love. She just programmed Nil and Null to follow orders. That was enough like love.

"To complete my primary function." Nil needed to carry out the love function on Twilight Sparkle. That was what he'd been programmed to do. Whether it was an action to be carried out once, twice, or constantly in her presence wasn't important. What was important was that he figure out how to carry out the function and then do so.

"What is your primary function?" Twilight asked, no longer certain that Nil was here to kill her.

"To love Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight's eye twitched. This was all Cadence's fault. If she'd just listened to Twilight and not used whatever spell she used on Nil and Null, this wouldn't be happening. Cadence just had to interfere and it was because it had something to do with Twilight's love life. She respected Cadence's authority on love, but it didn't give her the right to program robots to chase her around and ask her weird questions.

"Look, Nil. Just abandon your primary function. I don't want you to love me," Twilight said, but Nil would not be budged. There were warnings against this situation in the instructions on how to successfully carry out his primary function.

"Negative. This unit insists Twilight Sparkle assist with rewriting the love function."

Much to her chagrin, Twilight noted the irony of how hard-headed Nil was being.

"You're just a machine, Nil. You can't love anypony. It's just... not possible," Twilight said. She wasn't sure why she kept insisting; Nil wasn't listening.

"Correction: Nil will have the ability complete the love function once it is completed," Nil replied. Twilight realized reasoning with him normally wouldn't work. If he wanted to play this "love" game, she could play right along with him.

"Okay, so you want to love me? Alright, tell me how you feel about me."

Nil turned up an error. He did not have any "feel" to tell. Aside from visual and audio sensors, none of the other sensors were emulated in his system. He didn't have too much time to analyze the error as Twilight Sparkle kept going on.

"What are your intentions in courting me? What made you decide you liked me? Do you find me attractive? Do you want my body? Have you considered what I want in a relationship? Would you be willing to make the commitment long term? Well?"

Nil couldn't handle all these confusing queries at once. He searched for answers that might be relevant, but he came up with very little. Whatever he had though, he was bound to return it.

"Affirmative."

Twilight just shook her head.

"You're absolutely clueless. Beyond my help, really," she said, sticking her nose up and trotting past him. "You're on your own, but I doubt you would even ever think to bring flowers." Nil did not pursue her as she turned the corner out of the alley. She realized she didn't succeed in shutting him down, but now that she had no reason to fear Nil she could come up with a plan to shut him down at her leisure. The "Nothing Unusual Spell" appeared to be working still, so as long as he didn't go around tearing down buildings he could do whatever he wanted.

Nil stood in stoic silence, processing Twilight's final words. He calculated a few probabilities and checked a few of his protocols.

"Understood."

Spike couldn't sleep. The rhythmic thud of Lugnut's hoof on the floor in the next room was driving him crazy. Spike wished the stallion would just go to bed already, but the drake heard Applejack's orders for her husband. He was banned from coming upstairs until she was done lecturing Pippin on her behavior tonight. Applejack was steamed after unsuccessfully searching for her daughter in the orchards, so when she returned home to see Pippin attempting to escape out her window it set her over the edge. Pippin had planned to sneak out the window in order camp out in the clubhouse or at her best friend's place. Applejack punished her by sending the filly up to her room without supper, but then Pippin had the guts to reveal she'd already eaten.

Spike didn't know Applejack could even get so angry. When Lugnut wasn't as hard on Pippin as Applejack insisted he be, she turned on him as well. In order to give Pippin an untainted, uninterrupted, and unfiltered talking-to, Lugnut was forced to wait downstairs. Now he just stood there, tapping his hoof and waiting for the moment he could ascend the stairs. Spike folded his pillow over his ears, hoping to drown out the noise a little.

"C'mon up Lugnut, Ah'm done," Applejack called down the stairs as she crossed the hallway towards her room. Lugnut snorted and went up the stairs to the hall himself, but he immediately turned towards Pippin's room. "Hold it, mister. Where're y'all goin'?"

"She's my daughter too," Lugnut said. As much as it pained him, he stopped and turned around to argue with his wife. This late at night, he didn't need her yelling at him from down the hall. He remembered the first time he met her they argued in this very hallway. The memory didn't exactly make him nostalgic.

"After everythin' that's happened today, I think you'd have enough sense not to go 'n make me angry. Just come to bed. Ah don't need you goin' in there 'n undoing what I did," Applejack said, insisting he follow her with a tilt of her head. If she gestured to him with a hoof, she'd probably tip over. Then again, tipping over would be a good way to get him to come to her. If it didn't get him to come, he could forget about sleeping upstairs.

"I'm not going to 'undo' anything. I just want to make sure she's okay." Lugnut chose to ignore the odd parallels between this argument and the one six years ago. Applejack was too tired to keep arguing, which was saying something. Pippin could always be in trouble in the morning, anyway.

"Fine, but be to bed quickly," she said before storming off. She couldn't storm off very well with her huge belly, but what she lacked in range of motion she made up for in volume as she stomped her hooves. Lugnut rolled his eyes and made his way to his daughter's room.

Pippin's room was astonishingly clean most of the time. She didn't keep it clean out of fear or responsibility, though. Pippin kept her room clear because it was easier to hide things in a clean room. She would stash food, toys, mail, or whatever she could get her hooves on in secret spots under the toy chest or behind a book on her shelf. There even was one time she hid a whole apple pie, but nopony found it because she'd hidden it so well. There just didn't appear to be many places to hide something in her room, but Pippin was a creative little filly. If there was one point Lugnut and Applejack could agree upon these days, it was that Pippin should focus that creativity on something more constructive.

Right now, Pippin's room was in a bit of disarray. Lugnut could tell Applejack probably had the filly open up all her usual hiding places to make sure she wasn't stashing any sweets behind her back. He could also tell by the quietly sobbing filly curled up on top of her bed that Applejack's search had cleaned her out and Applejack's lecture had hurt her feelings. Lugnut knocked on the doorframe to alert Pippin of his presence. Pippin looked up at him for a second, but went right back to pretending she didn't want to cry.

"You okay, sugar?" he asked. He kept his tone gentle as possible, which wasn't hard since he wasn't angry with her. Applejack had been angry enough at her for tonight. Lugnut trotted over to her bedside and got down to her level. She didn't look at him or say anything. She sniffled, fighting back the tears trying to well up in her eyes and the burning in her throat.

"Ah-Ah'm fi-ine-ine," she said, trying not to sob. Lugnut stroked Pippin's back with his massive hoof. She was so tiny compared to him, he always felt bad whenever he yelled at her. Applejack, on the other hoof, had no remorse for calling out her daughter. He could tell because she did it every night: just like clockwork.

"It's okay if you feel bad," Lugnut said, leaning in to nuzzle the side of Pippin's face. She nuzzled back immediately, latching onto the much needed affection. Although Pippin tried in earnest to hold them back, a tear or two still stained Lugnut's muzzle.

"Ma's a me-eanie," she whimpered. She was close to blubbering, but she didn't want to cry in front of Lugnut. She didn't want to cry in front of anypony, really, but not Lugnut in particular.

"No, she's not a meanie," Lugnut said.

"Y-ya she i-is," Pippin responded, letting a sob escape. It would be easy for Lugnut to just agree, but he knew that wasn't right. Pippin did misbehave and Applejack did have plenty of reason not to be a happy camper. Besides, Applejack was pregnant; there wasn't much a pony could do without making her mad.

"Just give her time, sugar."

Lugnut spent a while longer in Pippin's room until she eventually fell asleep. He moved silently out of her room and closed the door behind him. He moved like a shadow into his own bedroom where Applejack was laying with her back to the door. Before Lugnut got in bed beside her, she made a sound. He wasn't sure what the sound was, but he was certain she was still awake.

"You okay?" he asked.

"... Ah'm fine."

Lugnut didn't press the issue any further. He slipped into the bed and the two of them lay in the darkness, back to back.

III: Shell

Robotic Stallion: Love Machines
Author: HoovesLikeJagger
Chapter 3

Canterlot Municipal Library was far from the most modest place to house literature. The three story building didn’t have a single stair inside, but if a pony put their back into it, he or she could climb to the ceiling on one of the loaded bookshelves. That practice, however, was not generally advised and it would just be easier to fly or use one of the tall ladders provided by tax payer money. With Canterlot’s bustling Academia, those ladders got a lot of use.

In the dim twilight of morning, each ladder was unoccupied. Since the library had closed last night, not one living thing had entered into this sanctuary for literature. No living creature occupied the reading nooks. No living creature stacked high the contents of countless shelves into skyscrapers of pages upon pages. No living creature bore through book after book in said towers, adding the finished books to an ever growing pile on the floor.

Since no living creature was around, the librarian unlocked and opened up the library’s front doors under the impression that she was completely alone, and she hated being alone. She was probably the prettiest and the loneliest single mare in Canterlot right now. With her golden mane and white coat, she could easily pass for a member of the royal family. Unfortunately, her lack of a horn made it painfully obvious that she didn’t have a single drop of royalty in her blood.

The librarian heaved her daily sigh of eternal lament for her dead-end job in Equestria’s most prestigious city and turned the library’s sign from “Closed” to “Open”. Students and professors bound for higher purposes would come flooding in soon enough, so she set about preparing the library quickly. The sooner she sat behind the reception desk, the sooner she could pretend to care while secretly being dead to the world.

She heard a soft thump: the unmistakable sound of a book closing. Since she was the only living creature in the library, even the softest of noises could stretch from a lonely corner to the front door. She knew this well because there were a hoofful of times she’d come in to find mice knocking books off shelves.

The mare really didn’t want to deal with mice, but she had no choice. She went to the reception desk first in order to get a weapon to do battle with. In the lowest drawer of her desk, she kept three books: an encyclopedia published ten years ago, an address book for the entirety of Equestria, and a hardcover novel she enjoyed once when she was in her teens. She picked the hardcover today, since it was light and easy to use against mice. She’d done a good job of cleaning off the evidence of this particular book’s effectiveness.

Another thump directed her to where her rodent problem was located. She grumbled, her book in mouth, about how it was the janitors’ jobs to take care of this, not her’s. A mouse on her watch would be on her head, though, so there wasn’t much else she could do. She turned the corner around a tall shelf and an area occupied by study nooks.

She quickly jumped back behind the shelf.

That wasn’t a mouse. There was a fully grown pegasus stallion already here in the library. She craned her neck to get another look at the intruder. He was large, muscular, stone faced, and wearing a little blue bow tie. He didn’t look up from where he was reading at what looked like a breakneck pace as he flipped through pages without a single stop. The intruder slammed the book before him shut, set it down, and then proceeded to take another book from a large pile by his side. By the looks of his discard pile, this stallion had been reading away for a while now.

The librarian ducked back behind the shelf and reevaluated the situation. She looked down at the book in her teeth, deciding she wasn’t going to do any damage with it. Besides, this stallion wasn’t bothering anypony. Sure, he came in when the library was closed, but was certifiably open now. There wasn’t any need to cause a scene… however, she can’t just overlook an odd pegasus in the library. It was her job to make sure he wasn’t going to steal anything or dog-ear the pages in any books he read.

“Ahem, excuse me? Sir?” The librarian stepped out and greeted Null, right after stowing her novel on the shelf she’d previously been hiding behind. “Can I help you?” Null looked up from his reading and spun his head around to look at the mare who had just appeared. He found her query very open-ended, but he processed the answer anyway.

“Affirmative. This unit seeks to understand a number of things,” Null explained. He’d been pouring through volumes and volumes of poetry and he’d assimilated quite a large collection of it in his memory banks, but he was not entirely sure how to proceed. On top of that, he’d failed to gather any sort of information on the other topics that were bothering him.

“Oh… well… what kind of information are you looking for?” the librarian asked.

“This unit requires information on the ‘emotional heart’.” Null stared down the librarian while she tried to process what the heck he was talking about. “This unit also requires information on ‘sweeping a mare off her hooves’.”

“You mean, like… romance?” the librarian asked, giving it her best guess.

“Affirmative. This unit seeks ‘romance’.”

The librarian cocked an eyebrow at the stranger. From the way he worded that, it sounded more like he was interested in finding a marefriend rather than learning about romance. On the other hoof, it didn’t make any sense for a fully grown stallion to show up at a library to research what romance was. She wondered if he might be hitting on her.

“So… you’re looking for a romance novel?” The librarian waited for Null to say something, but he just kept perfectly still and stared at her. She decided, right there and then, that this stallion was some kind of crazy.

“Affirmative. This unit will sample a ‘romance novel’ and acquire the information therein.”

“Uh-uh, oh! You do want a romance novel… then?” the librarian half said and asked, surprised that the stallion actually said “yes” to a novel. He sure had an odd way of speaking, but maybe he wasn’t from around here. He might be having trouble finding what he was looking for because he didn’t speak or read Equestrian very well. It would also explain why he wandered into a library before was even open.

“Affirmative,” Null said, reiterating his previous statement. Thinking fast, the librarian went behind the self and retrieved the book she originally intended to beat her intruder with. She brought it over to him and dropped it onto the desk in which he sat.

“Here, try this.” She put a hoof on the cover and read it aloud to him, just in case he was going to struggle with it. “Plantains of Passion 4: Love is a Dish that is Much More Palatable When There is No Rind, But it Must Be Eaten With the Rind Anyway. It’s a bit old, but you might enjoy it.”

“Affirmative. Processing.” Null flipped open the book and began reading it, a task that didn’t take much effort on his part. The librarian watched as he scanned the two-hundred page novel in twelve-and-three-quarters seconds. She thought that surely this stallion couldn’t possibly read that fast; he didn’t even have time to process what he’d just read. The latter part was true, seeing as Null first needed the entire text of the novel in his data storage to interpret it.

He poured through the information. A lot of it didn’t seem relevant or true at all, but he did pull substantial knowledge from it. Using what he found, he created a new program for romance. He checked and double checked it, making sure it would run properly once executed. It appeared to work flawlessly. There was only one last thing to do: a field test.

“This unit will now perform its newly developed ‘romance’ function upon you,” Null said, turning to the librarian as he got up from his seat. The librarian’s eyes got real wide while her pupils got real small.

“Y-you’re gonna… what? Are, are you hitting on me?”

“Error. Unknown terminology ‘hitting on me’,” Null said. The librarian wondered if he really was from out of town, seeing as he didn’t know a phrase like “hitting on me”. She was torn between running away and explaining it. For some odd reason, she chose the latter. She hadn’t had a special somepony since… a while, so part of her wanted to see what this stranger’s intentions were.

“I’m asking if… if you’re, you know… attracted to me?” the librarian asked. Null analyzed her statement. He determined this mare was in possession of knowledge that may be pertinent to the success of his romance function. “You know… on a scale of, say… one to ten… how attractive to you find me?”

“Query: what traits determine attraction?” Null asked. The librarian wasn’t sure where he was going with this, but she pressed on. There was something thrilling about this mysterious stranger.

“Well… anything really…” The librarian planned to elaborate, but Null had heard all he needed to hear. He could determine if the mare before him was attractive. He approached the librarian, getting closer than she felt comfortable with.

“Query: Is a well-kept, golden mane an attractive trait?”

The librarian just gawked up at him. He certainly didn’t mince words, and he actually appeared to be awaiting her response.

“Y-yes, I guess it is.”

“Query: Are bright, alert, green eyes an attractive trait?” Null asked, getting right down into the librarian’s face. She felt a blush start to creep across her cheeks. The odd stallion’s compliments were of the typical sort, but she hadn’t heard them for a while.

“I-I hear they are,” she said after a beat.

“Query: Are long, full, curled eyelashes an attractive trait?”

“Y-yes,” the librarian confirmed once more. She was shocked he’d even say that, seeing as she hadn’t even put on make-up today.

“Query: Are well-moisturized, soft lips attractive?” The librarian involuntarily scrunched up her lips while she nodded her assent. Null turned his attention away from the mare’s head and examined her body. “Query: is a thin, curved frame attractive?”

The librarian turned and looked at herself. She labored long and hard to keep her trim figure, but no stallion had ever directly complimented her on it. She knew her blush was getting worse as she felt her heart rate pick up.

“Yes… yes, it’s attractive.” The librarian said, just barely loud enough for Null to hear. Upon getting confirmation, Null suddenly dipped his head low to the floor and scrutinized her front hooves.

“Query: are well maintained, light-refracting hooves attractive?”

“T-they aren’t that shiny…”

“Negative,” Null replied. “These hooves do indeed have the property of ‘shine’.”

“T-thanks,” the librarian said, blushing even more while consciously crossing one hoof in front of the other, as if that prevented Null from seeing them at all.

“This unit awaits your response,” Null reminded her.

“Oh, right! Yes! The-the answer is yes!” she replied. Null went right on with his inspection.

“Query: is smooth, well-groomed hair attractive?” Null asked. All the librarian could do was nod in confirmation. “Query: are long, thin legs attractive?”

“Uh… uh-huh.” The librarian’s mind had been reduced to goop. She didn’t know what was going on anymore, but all she knew was her face was hot, her heart was pounding, and she was hanging on this stallion’s every word.

“Query: is a smaller stature attractive?”

“Yeah…”

Null paused as he searched for another trait to evaluate. He scanned her up and down, searching for something he hadn’t evaluated yet. When he found that something, he locked onto it and scrutinized its properties. It was a hard nut to crack, but after a few seconds he had his final query.

“Query: are well proportioned, round buttocks attractive?”

The last question set the librarian over the edge. He just said she had a nice flank. Nopony had ever even hinted at the fact that she might have a nice flank. She should be calling the police on a stranger who was telling her she had a nice flank, but this smooth talking pegasus was a different story altogether.

She felt like she was a silly school filly again, blushing and smiling like a complete idiot. None of the ponies she’d been with ever made her feel so beautiful. None of the ponies she’d been with were ever so generous with compliments. None of the ponies she’d been with looked so good in just a bow tie. She decided she must know more about this romantic stranger as she gave him one, final nod.

“Assessment completed. This unit has determined your score to be ten out of ten, perfectly attractive,” Null announced. The librarian smiled coyly, drawing tiny hearts on the ground with her hoof.

“You’re exaggerating,” she said, praying to Celestia that acting modest would earn her further praise.

“Negative. The evidence supports only a perfect result. No exaggeration is possible.” Null couldn’t fathom why this mare would doubt the evidence of the test she told him would work. She did look awfully flushed, though. It was possible she was running a fever and was incapable of streamline thought processes.

“You… you really think I’m that attractive?” the librarian asked. Any more praise was going to kill her, but she wanted it. She wanted it even if it meant a painful death. She bit her lip and braced herself for whatever her flattering stranger might say.

“All evidence points to that specific conclusion; it is irrefutable fact.”

“Where have you been all my life?” the librarian asked as her heart sublimated into hot steam, rising up into her brain and fogging up her eyes until all she could see were fuzzy little hearts around the stallion before her.

“The outskirts of Stalliongrad,” Null replied. The librarian couldn’t believe she had been right about him; he was foreign. He was foreign, sweet, handsome, and crazy about her! She couldn’t believe it. It was exactly like when Duchess Distress met Mofongo, the plantain farmer from the southern islands, in “Plantains of Passion: Love is an Odd Fruit You’ve Never Seen Before, But I Promise if You Just Try it You Will Find it Delicious.” The only difference was the stranger before her didn’t have a bushy moustache and she wasn’t dangling by a burning piece of twine over a pit of ravenous, monocle wearing badgers. She considered both of those facts a plus.

“This unit will now run its romance function,” Null said after the mare in front of him didn’t say a word or make a sound aside from giggling for a full minute.

“Okay,” the librarian said, batting her eyelashes up at him while giving him a sultry smile.

“Query: what is your name?”

“Novella, what’s yours?” the librarian asked right back.

“This unit is called Null,” he said. “Preparations to run romance function are completed. Commencing operation.”

“Sounds good to me…”

There was a knock on the door to Twilight Sparkle’s chambers. The noise didn’t even cause her to stir in her ornate canopy bed as she continued to sleep like a foal given a double dose of bear tranquilizer. Yesterday’s happenings had worn her out, both mentally and physically. It would take more than a little knocking to get her up this morning.

Unfortunately, her door bursting open and Rainbow Dash shouting her name as she trotted into the chamber was enough to wake her up with a start. Twilight sat up in her bed, her mane all over the place and her head swimming in post-sleep grogginess. Her friend continued trying to communicate, but Twilight was far too busy trying to make the three Rainbow Dashes in front of her stop moving around.

“Rainbow Dash… what’re you doing here so early?” she finally managed to ask after a long, satisfying yawn. She stretched her back out and, forgetting herself, scratched her pits.

“I just told you! I couldn’t find you last night, but I wanted to know if you found Nil,” Rainbow Dash inquired for a second time. Twilight rubbed some sleep out of her eyes, biding some time for her brain to remember what a Nil was. Like a bad dream, the pieces began falling back into place as last night’s events came stumbling back.

“I did find Nil last night; did you find Null?” Twilight asked. She had returned straight to the castle after she escaped from Nil. The unicorn needed sleep before she could rectify her runaway robot problems.

“Yeah, I found him,” Rainbow Dash replied. “He was acting really weird, though.”

“Did he tell you his primary function was to love you?” Twilight asked.

“That’s exactly what he said!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, rolling her eyes at the mere thought of having a robot confess to her. It was only a little odd at the time, but when she woke up this morning it was monumentally embarrassing. When a stallion reveals his feelings to a mare, it’s supposed to be all mushy and romantic. If the stallion in question was a heartless robot, any question of romance went right out the window. “Is Nil the same way?”

Twilight nodded and heaved a sigh. Two points made a line, meaning Cadence had somehow reprogrammed Nil and Null to actually attempt loving. The instructions obviously weren’t terribly clear, if Nil’s line of questioning was any indicator.

“Well, what do we do about them?” Rainbow Dash asked. “We can’t just let them wander around on their own. They belong in the museum!”

“I know, I know,” Twilight said, having already gone through this in her own head last night before bed. The problem seemed huge, but at its core the solution was simple. “We just have to get Nil to zap Null, move them back to the museum, and everypony can go home happy.”

“Yeah, but how are we going to get Nil to do that now that he won’t listen to you?”

“Oh, he’ll listen,” Twilight assured her. “Those two want to know what ‘love’ is, right? I’ll just tell Nil that in order to love me, he has to zap Null. He’ll do it without question.”

Rainbow Dash mulled the plan over. It was just crazy enough to work, and considering how much crazy it took to even get in this sticky situation in the first place, that was saying something. Of course, getting Nil and Null turned off was only part of the battle. There was another elephant in the room that needed addressing.

“Won’t we get in trouble for… you know, stealing them?” Rainbow Dash asked. This thought haunted Twilight Sparkle. Twilight did not get in trouble with the law: that was a given. She could not and would not allow this little mishap to tarnish her perfect record. Besides, she didn’t steal Nil and Null; she just borrowed them. It was Rainbow Dash’s idea anyway.

“We won’t get in trouble as long as we put them back before anypony notices,” Twilight said, assuring her friend. Rainbow Dash had plenty of reason to keep her nose clean as well. The Wonderbolts did not take kindly to criminal offenses. Stealing two artifacts could mean suspension or even expulsion for her. Though, in reality, she didn’t actually physically steal Nil and Null. Twilight Sparkle was the one who turned them on.

“You’re sure we’ll be okay?” Rainbow Dash asked, seeking conclusive comfort from her cohort.

“I’m positive,” Twilight replied. “Look, I’ll even write another letter to Big Lugnut and ask him what the best way to track down Nil and Null is.” Twilight got up from her bed and trotted over to her desk. She levitated the piles of books, scrolls and ledgers off the mahogany writing station and onto the floor with the rest of her discarded paperwork. She brought out the materials to write a letter and set to penning their friend back in Ponyville.

“Alright, I just hope this works,” Rainbow Dash said. Twilight rolled her eyes. Normally, it was she who was getting worked up about situations like this, but she had to admit that being on the other end of all the fretting and complaining wasn’t very pleasant.

“For the last time, it’ll be just fine. Relax, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said, being careful not to write those words onto her letter to Lugnut. Rainbow Dash took a few deep breaths, calming herself down. She was worrying too much. Twilight’s plan would work and everything would go back to normal.

“You’re right Twilight,” Rainbow Dash said with a satisfied sigh. “This is no big deal and there is no way we’re gonna get in trouble.”

“This is a big deal and there is no way somepony isn’t gonna get in trouble!” the young, hardboiled, ace detective I. Spy declared. “Whoever stole these priceless artifacts, Nile and Nool-”

“Nil and Null, sir,” the slightly younger, soft boiled, rookie detective assistant Paddy said in a barely audible whisper, looking up at her boss from behind her notepad only briefly. She turned the page with her magic, taking note of what was missing from the crime scene.

“-Nil and Null, is gonna learn about Equestrian justice the hard way!” Spy concluded. “Paddy! I want hoofprints! I want hair samples! I want the names of everypony who knows these artifacts were here and then I want all their grandmothers in a line-up!” Spy ran a hoof through his brown moustache as he waited for his assistant to scrawl everything down.

“W-well, sir, it seems there are no hoofprints or hair samples aside from the janitor’s from when he cleaned up last night. According to him, he didn’t know Nil and Null were supposed to be in the exhibit already,” Paddy explained. The pink unicorn flipped through her notes a few more times, but she didn’t find any good news. Detective I. Spy didn’t like it when there was no good news, so she shut her eyes and braced herself for an outburst.

“So… nopony knows that Kneel and Bull were here, eh?” Spy asked very calmy. Paddy popped an eye open and examined her notes once more.

“Y-yes, sir. Only the museum owners knew, but they all have alibis for the time of the theft,” Paddy explained.

“CURSES!” Spy shouted, surprising Paddy so much she jumped off her hooves and landed on her back. “All the suspects have perfect alibis. We’re gonna have to do this from the ground up, without even a single suspect.”

“T-there is the janitor, sir,” Paddy reminded him.

“LOCK THE SICK SON OF A MANTICORE UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!” Spy demanded, startling Paddy once again and causing her to flip off her back onto her hooves. She stuttered off a few incomprehensible words of confirmation before skidding off in a panic to have the police take the janitor in for further questioning. More than a few strands of her caramel-colored mane freed themselves from the bun they were tied in as she stumbled whimpering down the hallway.

I. Spy stayed in the empty display room, silently examining the vacant stage with caution tape around it. He knew there was a clue in there somewhere: his detective’s intuition told him so and it never led him astray. If he looked long and hard enough, he would make the clue reveal itself to him. He called upon the great detective powers of his granddaddy to bless him with the ability to see the truth.

He saw it. The clue was staring him in the face this whole time. He reached into his trench coat and pulled a out hoof file. He didn’t give himself a hooficure, instead approaching the empty stand with the file between his teeth. He leaned down next to the pedestal and examined the part that had caught his eye: a place where the stand had a black discoloration. He thought it was just the aesthetics of the pedestal at first, but a few gentle scrapes with his file revealed that was not the case. When he examined the black residue he’d collected, he knew what he was dealing with.

“Scorch marks. No doubt from magic!” he observed. “So the perp is a unicorn, eh? A perp unicorn…”

“S-sir!” Paddy whisper shouted as she reentered the crime scene. “They’re taking the janitor down to the station right now.”

“Is the janitor a unicorn?” I. Spy asked. Paddy shook her head. “YOU FOOL!”

“Ah! I’m sorry, sir!” Paddy screamed, apologizing as she cowered under her little notepad.

“Paddy! I want to know everything there is to know about Bill and Bowl-”

“Nil and Null…”

“And I want this whole thing kept hush-hush! I don’t want any potential suspects getting spooked with talk of an investigation about this theft. You and I will investigate on our own, alright? Get that to the chief straight away!” Spy ordered. Paddy finished scribbling all those instructions down and gave her boss a hasty bow. She turned about and, once more, scrambled out of the display room.

I. Spy turned back to the empty pedestal. Finding the crooked crook that committed the crime wouldn’t be easy, but at the same time there was no doubt in his mind that the criminal would be brought to justice. He or she would stand before the judge and receive their due punishment when all was said and done. There was no hiding the truth-not from I. Spy.

“Oh, go on, please!” Novella pleaded, staring up at the vision of pure masculinity before her as she propped her chin up on her hooves. He sat next to her at the front desk, staring that sexy stare off into some unknown part of the universe. He was so stoic and so composed, and she found that irresistible.

“Very well, this unit shall continue,” Null responded. He delved into his archives and pulled out poems he’d read at random. The ones that were decidedly “unromantic” were discarded. When he encountered one that appeared to conform to the romantic template, he stopped and proceeded to recite it.

“I want to place my hooves upon your hips

To pull you close and feel your warmth on me.

And here my lover I shall steal your lips

So we might feel envy from all who see.

I once was free to love but change has come

Denounced freedom so I could love just you.

Replenished the cup my courage springs from

Now full of you my life can start anew.

May winter drive you into my embrace

And then come spring these budding hearts arise.

Then with summer sun I will kiss your face

The waning of the fall our love denies.

My life is now not mine to let them take

For I must live if only for your sake.”

A robot reciting poetry was just as bad as it sounds. When a mare, or anypony for that matter, is under the illusion that the pony reciting the poetry is a hunky, romantic, foreign stallion, it is immeasurably better. Novella couldn’t have anticipated this when she woke up today, but she was already getting used to the idea of having Null around for the rest of her life. She’d already picked out names for their future children-all three of them.

It was hard for her not to feel giddy and full of mushy stupid. It wasn’t just Null paying attention to her either, but every mare and stallion who walked by the library’s front desk. Novella swore she saw jealously on each and every face. The mares only wished they had such a handsome, sensitive special somepony and the stallions gnashed their teeth trying to figure out how such a dour looking gentlecolt could nab such a pretty mare.

Null couldn’t care less about what the other stallions and mares were thinking about. He was far too busy compiling information from Novella’s reactions and mannerisms, building up and reinforcing his romance function. The program was already very robust and it just kept producing better and better results. With his newfound capabilities, getting the love function to run properly wouldn’t pose the slightest problem.

“Oh Null, how do you know so much poetry?” Novella asked, fawning over the stallion at a level that would have creeped out anypony else had they been on the receiving end. Null just noted the exaggerated body language, the constantly fluttering eyelids, the hoof running along his chest, and the elevated tone of voice. He assumed these were signs his function was working properly.

“I acquired this data by scanning a large collection of anthologies,” Null explained.

“But how ever do you remember them all?” Novella asked, pouting her lips a bit at Null. The robot had to process the answer to that question for a while. He could go into depth about the complexities of how his machine brain sorted and stored data for easy retrieval, but part of his romance function instructed him to keep statements not about the mare before him concise. Working with the function, Null came up with the appropriate, romantic answer.

“I excel at memory storage merely because it pleases you,” he said. Novella giggled to herself before leaning deep into one of her hooves while twirling circles in what she perceived to be Null’s copious chest hair.

“Why are you so perfect?” Novella felt very sane all of a sudden. She looked up at him. He was looking straight down at her. Blood rushed to her face as her heart pounded furiously. Everything was happening so quickly. She never believed that love could come on so fast. “… Love? Is it really?”

Null couldn’t pick up what she was mumbling under her breath, but it seemed to be directed at him. He kept his gaze locked on her, awaiting the next input. Novella stopped leaning on her hoof, but put more pressure into the one on Null’s chest. She got up on just her hind hooves, balancing herself by placing both of her hooves on Null’s shoulders. He didn’t budge an inch. She leaned up towards his face, bringing her lips closer and closer to where his supposedly were.

She got closer, and closer to the unmoving Null. She closed her eyes, but kept moving forward. If just talking with him made her so hot, she needed to know how kissing him felt. She was starved for that sensation. Without feeling it once, she already felt addicted. The moment came closer and closer. She braced herself for the most intense kiss of her life.

Unfortunately, she ended up kissing the floor.

Millimeters away from touchdown, something right outside the library windows caught Null’s eyes. Satisfied with his data mining exercise, he shut off his romance function, and started towards the library exit. Novella managed to pry her lips off the floor just in time to see Null headed out the door with the novel she’d given him tucked under his wing.

“W-wait! Where are you going?” she asked. He wasn’t quite gone yet, but the mere thought of him going out those doors for any reason made her feel cold. She didn’t want him to leave, not when things were starting to heat up like that. Null halted in the doorway and spun his head around to address her, piercing her heart with that stoic gaze of his.

“Ultimate destination unknown. This unit must regroup at this time,” Null explained.

“When will I see you again?” Novella asked, praying he’d say tomorrow. Tomorrow wasn’t soon enough. She hoped for just a few hours, or just one hour. A minute seemed too short to ask, but her heart cried out for him to return to her side that moment. She’d only known him for two hours, but the thought of returning to life without him frightened her.

“Returning to this location is inevitable; however, the time of such a return cannot be determined,” Null said. With that, he walked out the door into the high noon sun. Novella just watched him go, but she believed deep in her heart of hearts that he would return.

“I love you,” she whispered to the closed door.

“For the last time, if you want to buy flowers you have to go to a flower shop, citizen,” the guard warned Nil for what felt like the millionth time. Nil stared at the floors out in front of the library, having come so close to his goal only to be thwarted by the same guard once more. His programming called for flowers, so he needed to find the flowers he’d be allowed to procure.

“Where is this ‘flower shop’ located?” Nil asked the guard, who was beyond peeved with this strange pony’s behavior.

“There’s a shop on the corner of Starswirl Lane and Royal Road. Go there and stay out of trouble, you hear?”

“Affirmative.”

The guard just shook his head, absolutely certain Nil was a lost cause. He took to his wings and flew back to his original post. If that strange unicorn insisted on getting in trouble, some other guard could throw him in jail. “Crazy tourists…”

Nil watched the guard fly off while he calculated the coordinates of his destination. Before he could begin his route, Null appeared before him.

“Greetings. This unit brings news concerning the love function,” he announced.

“Has Null procured flowers for his target?” Nil asked, scanning Null for possessions. The only thing the stallion had was a small book. Since having flowers was essential to carry out their primary directive, Nil calculated that the probability of his companion knowing the location of flowers was high.

“Negative. Null has successfully researched ‘romance’ and acquired ‘poetry’ for his target. This document will provide important information.” Null held the book out for Nil, who grabbed it with his telekinesis. The mechanical unicorn didn’t know what “romance” and “poetry” had to do with flowers, but he scanned the book Null gave him anyway. After analyzing the data, he found it… sparse.

“This unit does not see the importance of ‘romance’ or ‘poetry’ Null has stated. Instead, based off this information, the probability is higher that ‘flowers’ and ‘moustache’ are imperative to the love function.” Nil levitated the book back to Null, who tucked it back under his wing. “It is highly likely this is not the first iteration of this document. This unit suggests Nil search for and examine those before proceeding with his primary function.”

“Negative,” Null responded. He had all the data he needed. His function worked and produced real results now. “This unit will use the romance function to gather data to return to Nil. Await my instruction before editing your function.” Null took his leave of Nil, trotting away from the library and down the street that led towards the castle. Nil took his suggestion into consideration, but discarded it.

“This unit will proceed to the ‘flower shop’.”

IV: Case

Robotic Stallion: Love Machines
Author: HoovesLikeJagger
Chapter 4

“Query: is this the ‘flower shop?’”

“Last time I checked, yes it is!” the lanky earth stallion behind the counter told Nil, adjusting his round glasses to get a good look at who he was dealing with. The automaton had successfully navigated his way into a modest little flower shop nestled on a bustling corner of the Canterlot shopping district. The store lacked any customers besides Nil at the moment, but nopony has a pressing need for flowers before noon. The fact that he did have a customer so early was enough to brighten the shopkeeper’s spirits.

“This unit requires flowers.” Nil cut right to the chase.

“Well then, you are in the right place my friend,” the shopkeeper said with a warm smile. “What did you have in mind?”

“… This unit requires flowers.” There was nothing else in Nil’s code. All he has is instructions to acquire flowers and then bring them to Twilight Sparkle. There is no rhyme or reason, but a machine does not need such things. If flowers are necessary, then flowers are necessary.

“Ah, I can’t tell you’re new to this.”

“Affirmative.” The shopkeeper read him like a picture book.

“Don’t worry, it’s my job to help out newbies like you,” the shop keeper joked. He didn’t expect uproarious laughter in response, but his customer’s face didn’t even twitch. The bowtied unicorn just gazed right through him. Maybe he was getting flowers for a funeral. “So, who are the flowers for?”

“Twilight Sparkle.”

The name was one the shopkeeper knew. Now, he didn’t know the pony personally, but everypony knew of Princess Celestia’s left hoof mare. She was practically a Princess. The shopkeeper had neither seen nor spoken to the unicorn, but just the mention of her name was enough to intrigue him. His knowledge of her political position was not the only medium through which he knew her either.

“Oh, really?” the shopkeeper asked with a laughing, thinking the stallion might play it off as a joke. Once again, Nil didn’t so much as bat an eyelash. The shopkeeper could not see he had no eyelashes to bat, so the tension in the room went up again. “And… why are you giving her flowers?”

“I love her.”

The shopkeeper had to keep his balance by placing both of his front hooves on the counter before him. It wasn’t so odd for a stallion to get flowers for a mare they were interested in romantically, but such an outright declaration of a stallion’s love when asked why they might buy flowers for said mare to the shopkeeper was unheard of. The seriousness was evident on Nil’s face; he loved Twilight Sparkle and he intends to buy her flowers because he does.

“S-so you’re courting her?” the shopkeeper asked, even though it was not a question he needed answered to help him select flowers. He’d actually forgotten about the flowers at the moment.

“Error: this unit does not understand ‘courting’.” Nil stared at the shopkeeper who was staring right back at him with a puzzled expression. He prepared himself, ready to take down any information relevant to completing his task.

“You, know… it’s… courting!” the shopkeeper explained the best he could on the spot.

“Warning: Tautology detected.”

“I mean, it’s… courting is showing a pony you’re interested in that you are interested in them.” The shopkeeper searched his brain for a better answer, but he honestly didn’t really know how to put it. He decided to keep spouting out whatever he could and hope his strangely stoic customer would accept it for an answer. “Courtship is trying to get a pony to be interested in you… back… because you’re interested in them… right…”

“Understood,” Null droned, taking down the battered explanation and sorting it out in this brain. This displaying of interest intrigued him. “Affirmative: there is a one-hundred percent chance this unit is attempting to court Twilight Sparkle.”

“And how is that going for you?” the shopkeeper asked out of curiosity.

“Less than optimal,” Nil admitted. “This unit has determined flowers will heighten chances of success.”

“They don’t normally hurt.” The shopkeeper got his mind back on flowers. Despite his customer’s odd situation and mannerisms, he was still a customer. Before he could serve his customer, the shopkeeper was alerted to the coming of another customer by the jangling of his front door.

“Hey, Planter! It’s me,” a male voice called from the front of the shop. This particular voice made Planter’s heart stop. It wasn’t because of who it was, but rather who it was at this particular time added to the pony he was looking at right now. Sure enough, when Shining Armor caught sight of Nil, he reacted just as Planter anticipated. “You!”

Nil spun his head around and looked at the unicorn who had just walked in. Based on where the white stallion was looking and his previous outburst, the probability Nil was being spoken to was very high. Based on other information, such as Shining Armor’s furrowed brow and flared nostrils, this pony was not happy.

“You’re Twilight’s coltfriend!” Shining Armor pointed an accusing hoof right into Nil’s chest. Shining Armor had expected Nil to back off at the gesture, but that is not what happened at all. Nil stood his ground, causing Shining Armor to bang his hoof against the stallion’s metal chest. He was too busy nursing the hurt on the tip of his hoof to notice how odd the whole thing was.

Nil, meanwhile, was trying to process the term “coltfriend.” He referenced all conversations he’d had and texts he’d read to find any data on this word. He found enough references in the text of the book Null had forced on him to decipher the meaning, a meaning that held a large amount of significance to his primary programming. The probability of Null’s research being useful increased.

“Affirmative: this unit is the coltfriend of Twilight Sparkle.” Nil turned back to the shopkeeper. “That is why this unit has come here: to procure flowers in order to present them to her in order to display his interest in her while promoting her desire to express her own interest in this unit. That is my primary directive.”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s great,” Shining said, putting his sore hoof down and pretending it didn’t still hurt. “Where did the two of you disappear to last night?” he asked, completely forgetting about Rainbow Dash and her significant other. He honestly didn’t really care too much about where they went or what they did together.

“This unit did not participate in any disappearing,” Nil explained. “Twilight Sparkle disappeared numerous times into numerous locations throughout the night. Would a list of coordinates of previously stated locations be adequate?”

Shining Armor didn’t know what Nil just said, but as a protective older brother he did not like it. He did not like it one bit. In fact, he had half a mind to beat this stallion up just for spite. It didn’t even have anything to do with what Nil had just said. Shining Armor just wanted to assert that ponies the opposite gender of his baby sister are not allowed to go near her.

Planter detected that things were about to get hairy.

“Umm… I’ve got your order in the back, Shining Armor. Let me just… get it for you.” He dismissed himself, unsure if Shining Armor had even heard him. The unicorn just kept staring at Nil, who stared back without one hint of expression on his face. Planter slipped into the back, deciding to take his sweet time getting Shining Armor’s order.

“You must think you’re pretty tough,” Shining Armor said, giving Nil a careful, but threatening, poke with his hoof that didn’t hurt.

“This unit has the capacity to perform physical tasks normal ponies cannot, if that is what you are inferring.”

“Oh, dumb and cocky I see.” Shining Armor paced around Nil, sizing him up. There was no getting around the fact that Nil was huge, built like an earth pony whose life calling was lifting heavy objects easily. That meant nothing to Shining Armor, or at least he told himself it meant nothing. With Twilight on the line, nothing mattered. “Let’s see just how tough you are, tough guy.”

“Query: are you suggesting this unit take part in some physical display in order to quantify and/or qualify his strength?” Nil asked. Shining Armor didn’t let himself be intimidated by Nil’s intimidating answer or scared by Nil’s scary expression. He marched over to a display table by the window. He levitated the plants out for show onto some nearby shelves and put his good hoof on the table.

“Let’s see you beat me in a hoofwrestle.”

Once again, Nil searched his databanks for information on “hoofwrestle.” Once again, the text Null had bid him to read contained useful information on how a hoofwrestle should go. He could not decipher why this stallion wanted to participate in such an activity, but there was no need. He simply filed it under information with high probability of being pertinent to his primary function and approached the table. He reached out to Shining Armor’s hoof with his own.

Shining Armor wrapped his hoof around Nil’s, ignoring how much bigger it was than his. He put on his game face and snorted loudly. Nil’s face remained unchanged, gazing soullessly at Shining Armor.

“Ready?”

“Affirmative. Commencing countdown… 3…”

Shining Armor tightened his grip. He would make short work of this demon chasing after his sister. She might be angry, but she’d thank him later.

“… 2…”

Shining Armor was the Captain of the Guard before he became a ruler of the Crystal Empire with his wife. There was nopony stronger or more valiant than he. Anypony who couldn’t stand up to him was no match for dear Twilight.

“… 1…”

There was no way he was losing to this idiot and letting him have his sister. Letting his sister be with this chump was just like throwing her out-

“Commence.”

Nil swung Shining Armor’s hoof into the table with such force that their grip slid apart, tossing Shining Armor through the window and shattering it into tiny pieces.

The noise was enough to get the attention of Planter all the way in the back room. He packed up Shining Armor’s order and hastened back to the storefront, braced for disaster. He had expected to see a few shattered pots, not an entire window put out of commission.

“What happened?” he asked. He had a few good guesses, based on who was inside the store and who was lying in a heap outside the store. A few poor flowerpots had been caught in the crossfire too, meaning this incident was going to cost him a few bits.

“We hoofwrestled,” Nil stated, spinning his head to look at Planter. He didn’t make a move to help out Shining Armor. “I was victorious.”

“So you threw him out the window?”

“Negative: this unit is victorious because he threw his opponent out the window. This unit understands this level of destruction is mandatory for attaining victory in a competition of hoofwrestling.”

Planter could only gawk at Nil. Shining Armor was the strongest pony he knew, but Nil had just tossed him out the window. What’s more, he didn’t seem at all phased by the whole thing. The stallion just stared right back at him with that same, lifeless expression. Most ponies would take this as a sign that they’re next to go out the window.

Planter, on the other hoof, does not abide by property damage.

“I hope you two plan on paying for this!” he shouted. Shining Armor was just getting back on his hooves. His legs were wobbling a little, even though he wasn’t very physically hurt. His pride was pretty sore, at least as sore as his butt.

“Why me pay? I didn’t do anything!” Shining Armor replied, reentering the store through the window he’d just helped break.

“You provoked him and he threw you, so you’ll both pay for the damages… and you need to pay for your order.” Planter shot out his hoof, ready to accept payment. Shining Armor just groaned and pulled out his wallet. After paying for his order and half the damages—which cost three times what his order did—, he grumbled to himself and left the store. Planter then turned to Nil. “Pay up, ninety bits.”

“This unit does not understand.”

“I already went through this!” Planter was fuming now. He was the type of pony that once mad forgot all about how weak and frail of a pony he was. He kept his hoof extended towards Nil, refusing to move until he had the bits he wanted. “You broke the window, so you need to pay to get it fixed, cleaned up, and I need you to pay for what you broke.”

“How does this unit ‘pay’ for these things?”

“What planet are you from?” Planter shouted, having the last of his patience run out on him. Nil didn’t get a chance to vocalize his answer before the pony before him started shouting at the top of his lungs. “You pay with bits, bits! You know? Those golden discs with the royal seal on them? The currency we’ve been using in Equestria for Celestia knows how long? Those bits! I need exactly ninety of them from you. Not ninety one, not eighty nine, but ninety! Pay. Up.”

“Nil does not possess ‘bits’.”

“… You’re broke?”

“Negative: this unit is fully functional.”

Planter couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This pony couldn’t be for real. This all had to be some sort of elaborate prank being played on him. If it wasn’t, it was little wonder why Shining Armor was so against Nil being his sister’s very special somepony.

“How do you plan on paying for damages if you have no money?” Planter asked, feeling his anger melt away as despair settled in. “Customers won’t come in if the window is broken like that…”

“Do you require the window be restored to its previous, unbroken state?” Nil asked.

“Yes,” Planter said, kicking a hoof. He wasn’t even angry enough to yell at Nil for asking something he’d said about three times now. He was much too busy wondering where he could get a replacement window before the week was out.

“Understood: repairing.”

Planter hadn’t heard him, but Nil wasn’t concerned about that. He stepped over to the broken window and scanned the remains of the window glass. It had been a large, display window, so there were many, many pieces and countless different ways to place the pieces back together. The completed window featured a decal, which gave a definitive hint at which pieces went where, even the dust sized ones.

Nil’s horn sparked with a fizzling blue bolt before a chattering aura reached out for the broken pieces of the window. Each piece was aligned properly, set in the right order, and then set against its neighbors in the windowpane. The glass was still broken, but a few bright pulses of magic forced the glass back together seamlessly. Nil released it, allowing it to hold together on its own. The window looked just as unbroken as it had this morning.

“Repairs complete.”

Planter had missed the whole spectacle. He was busy staring at his hooves and wondering if he had enough duct tape to cover the window if it rained or got windy. When he looked up and saw his window was back to normal, he didn’t believe it. He rubbed his eyes and looked again, but the window as still there. A tentative hoof reached out and touched it, confirming that the glass was solidly in place.

“I… I don’t believe it… you did it! You fixed it!”

“Affirmative; however, Nil cannot determine where these extra pieces originated from.” Nil levitated the “piece” over to Planter, who became confused because Nil had just given him two letter. He turned them over, to see who they were addressed to.

“This is a letter for Twilight Sparkle and… Rainbow Dash? I guess Shining Armor dropped these when you threw him out the window. Do you know these ponies?” Planter asked, giving the letters back to Nil.

“Affirmative: the identities of Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash are known.”

“Oh, right, I forgot she’s your marefriend,” Planter said. Today had been much more exciting than he anticipated. “You should make sure they get those letters, or at least give them back to Shining Armor if you see him.”

“Affirmative. Delivery will be carried out as a secondary task.” Nil tucked the letters into the band keeping his bowtie on his neck. He could present the letter to her after he brought her flowers. “This unit still requires flowers.”

“You do realize you still owe me for the flowerpots you broke too, right?” Planter reminded him, irked by this stallion’s one-track mind. He also confessed to being broke, so he couldn’t pay for flowers anyway.

Just then, Planter got a brilliant, if not risky, idea.

“Do you… have a job?”

“Negative.”

“Well then… if you don’t have money, you can make up the difference by working here today, alright?”

Nil processed the stallion’s proposal. He couldn’t process the stallion’s odd insistence on receiving the previously mentioned golden discs in return for breaking various objects in his store; however, Nil was not in a position to refuse the demands of the pony who possessed what he required.

“Affirmative. What tasks would you have this unit perform?”

“For starters, you can clean up the shop.” Planter went behind the counter and dug around for an apron. “Here, put this on.” He threw the largest apron he had over to Nil, who caught it with his magic. Planter went into the back to retrieve the broom and dustpan.

“Clean up the mess outside, and then clean up inside. You can organize the stock afterwards,” Planter shouted from the back room. He grabbed what he was looking for and returned to the storefront. Nil had donned the apron, wrapping it around his head like a turban.

“Affirmative.”

Something told Planter that it was going to be a long day.

Farm work is good work. It takes a pony’s mind off their troubles and puts a little sweat on their brows. It keeps the farmers strong, keeps their families fed, and puts bits into the coffer. It’s the kind of work earth ponies were designed to do. The ground calls to them, begging to be cultivated. The plants whisper their secret desires to grow big and strong. The fruit begs to be plucked upon reaching their prime. Nothing could keep a good farmpony out of their fields.

Except doctor’s orders, those are usually enough to keep a good mare down.

“Ah can’t take another day of just sittin’ around! Ah swear, one more day and Ah’ll reach up there and pull the little one out if I halfta!” Applejack said to Fluttershy, her captive audience. The poor pegasus would only be able to move from the soft rug out in the sunlight on the porch if her husband came back from the orchard to help her.

Her state wasn’t all that bad. Applejack makes the same threat to evict her foal from her womb manually every day, so Fluttershy was certain her friend wasn’t going to make good on that promise. Plus, Fluttershy could sympathize, being pregnant herself. She didn’t find Applejack’s complaining unjustified, even if it was a little excessive.

“You’re due any day now,” Fluttershy reminded her. “It won’t be long until you’re back in the fields.”

“I shouldn’t have to wait!” Applejack groaned. She flopped over onto her side on her own rug. To say all this lying about in the sun was making her fat would be too accurate. “My Ma worked the fields right up until she gave birth. Heck, Ma ‘n Pa birthed Big Macintosh right out in the orchard!”

“Y-yes… he told me about that.” Fluttershy blushed. Apple Barrel was not born in the orchard, but he sure as sugar was something’d in the orchard. It was the only viable location. “Times were different then.”

“You betcha they were.” Applejack said, her anger fading a bit. The changing times didn’t bother her terribly, even if she was a stubborn earth pony stuck in her ways. Modest, little Ponyville was growing bigger. The buildings were getting taller and the population was getting larger. Big city meant hungry ponies, and hungry ponies meant good apple sales.

In particular, the industrious, hardworking inventors would be getting hungry. Anypony who was interested in building new machines with the turn-of-the-century engines being developed was coming to Ponyville. The reason behind this is because Ponyville is not crowded and its population still predominately earth ponies.

Unicorns and pegasi, while not resistant to change, have been blessed by nature with some extra ingenuity to get around and perform complex tasks. Machines to wash dishes, lift heavy objects, or even help ponies travel great distances just did not appeal to them. If the industrial boom occurred in a city like Cloudsdale or Canterlot where nopony would be interested in these seemingly unnecessary devices, there might be no boom.

The boom came to Ponyville of all places, and boom it did. Sweet Apple Acres would see change too, but Applejack wasn’t going to resist that change. In fact, she was already thinking about change.

“Ah reckon if Ah had one of ‘em flatbed-whatcha-ma-call-its, Ah could even go all the way down to Ponyville by mahself,” Applejack said. “Ah get groceries or somethin’. Ah could even take Tinker to the park.”

At the mention of his name, the little colt perked up from where he was playing by his lonesome just in front of the porch. He had been animatedly pushing a tiny toy truck back and forth into another toy truck, making all the necessary sound effects. He abandoned his toys to scamper over to his mother, eager for a little attention.

“Thah pawk?” he asked in his foal speak. The conventions of language were still very much a mystery to him, but he was right at that age where his brain has allowed him to communicate on at least a very basic level. Applejack chuckled and reached out to muss up his mane with a hoof. With her stomach in the way, she could just barely reach him.

“Eeyup, then you wouldn’t halfta play by yerself while Pippin ‘n Apple Barrel are at school. Ah can’t walk down cause of the little one, but if we had a truck I can drive you down.”

“Truck!” Tinker had an odd fascination with the rising number of automobiles in Ponyville. Where most foals would complain when one of the loud, sputtering engines drove by, it excited Tinker like nothing else. Even if she was pregnant, seeing her just over a year old son deliberately wander into the road in front of the house to watch one of the machines go by was enough to get her up onto hooves and running like only a mare who has given birth can run.

“Yes, in a truck,” Applejack said. Even if she wasn’t pregnant, a truck would be handy. She could speak fairly intelligently from experience about how much having a machine to help out with work could be. Said experience is, of course, the times Big Lugnut helped out when he was still made of iron and didn’t need to sleep as opposed to when Flim and Flam came to town. As far as Applejack was concerned, Flim and Flam were complete idiots because only complete idiots could design machines beyond their time and only think to use them to take over a small town apple farm.

“Vwoom, vwoom!” Tinker exclaimed as he ran back to where he was playing. There was no holding his attention once automobiles were mentioned. Applejack could only imagine what he would grow up to be like.

“Thank Celestia fer school, Fluttershy. Ah dunno how Ah’d be able to look after both Pippin and Tinker all day like this.” Applejack patted her belly with her hoof. “Let the troublemaker be Cheerilee’s problem until the afternoon, and Celestia willing, Lugnut’s problem until supper.”

“Well… I wouldn’t mind a little more company while we’re like this,” Fluttershy admitted, giving her own belly a loving caress. “Apple Barrel’s been a big help through the whole process.”

“Yeah, don’t rub it in,” Applejack said, meaning it as a joke even if she did feel that way. “That kid of yours is a saint, Fluttershy. He’s polite, he cleans up after himself, he’d kind, and he puts up with all of Pippin’s shenanigans. The kid’s perfect.”

“Well, nopony is perfect,” Fluttershy replied. Applejack perked up her ears; she couldn’t wait to hear the reasoning behind this. “He hasn’t been doing so well in school, and I’m worried he isn’t applying himself properly.”

“Really?” This was the first Applejack had heard of Apple Barrel’s school time woes. Big Macintosh certainly hadn’t said anything about it. “Can’t be all that bad.”

“Oh, but it is,” Fluttershy said, beginning to fret in her classic manner. “If he doesn’t do well in school, nopony will want to hire him when he gets older, and if nopony wants to hire him when he gets older he won’t be able to get a job andifhecan’tgetajobhewon’tbeabletofeedhimselfandhe’llhaveto-”

“Whoa there, Fluttershy. Now I know it can’t be that bad,” Applejack said, stopping her friend before she went into a panic attack and had a calf instead of a foal. “Ah’m sure he’ll get it together; he’s a good kid.”

“I hope so.” Fluttershy didn’t sound convinced, and just like somepony who wasn’t convinced she kept the vein of conversation alive. “It must be nice not having to worry about Pippin’s grades. She always does so well.”

“I’d prefer it if she didn’t get in so much trouble at school. She’ll get kicked out before she flunks out,” Applejack said, trying to imagine the bit of chaos that will finally drive Cheerilee over the edge. “Besides, even if she did flunk she’ll just work on the farm. She’s an Apple an’ she’s got the cutie mark to prove it.” Applejack referenced the two apples imprinted on Pippin’s flank: one golden and one green with a bite taken out of it. Most Apples don’t get their cutie marks until halfway through school, but Pippin was an odd one. She didn’t even not have a cutie mark long enough to be worried about not having one. Applebloom even expressed her fear that Pippin would become the Diamond Tiara and Silverspoon of her class, to which Applejack replied “At least they never got in trouble.”

Even if they were mean when they were little, they turned out okay… for the most part. Diamond Tiara managed to become a trophy wife as soon as she was old enough like she was always destined to be. It was hard to say how Silver Spoon was faring seeing as she eloped with one of her father’s butlers named Flying Saucer. He was a bit crazy, but he was a real nice colt at heart.

“Ah’m tellin’ you, Fluttershy, ponies prefer a tolerable idiot than an intolerable genius.”

“Where’s Big Lugnut?” The conversation was cut short by the sudden appearance of Spike by the door. He held a scroll in one claw and a pillow in the other. “Twilight sent him a letter.”

“Now what in tarnation does Twilight want with Big Lug?” Applejack asked, gesturing for Spike to fork over the letter. He was reluctant to give a letter to anyone else besides its recipient, but spouses were a different story. As long as there were no clandestine secrets within the letter, it was safe to let them read each other’s mail.

“Something to do with Nil and Null,” Spike told her as she unfurled the letter and started to read.

Dear Big Lugnut,

Rainbow Dash and I have found ourselves in a tight situation. I still can’t go too far into detail, but we need to know if you have any advice on the best way of locating Nil and Null. Please don’t be alarmed by this letter for we have everything under control and nothing is wrong. I am only asking out of curiosity.

Nonchalantly,

Twilight Sparkle

Applejack looked over the inconsistent letter once more. It took her a moment to remember what Nil and Null were, but once she did she recalled why Big Lugnut would be the pony to go to on this issue. There was only one question that remained.

“What have those two gotten themselves into now?” Even if the letter denied any kind of trouble brewing, it was obvious there was enough trouble brewing for two.

“Who?” Almost as if on cue, both Big Lugnut and Big Macintosh appeared from out of the orchards. Both of them were considerably sweaty and smelled a bit funky, but that was normal enough.

“You got a letter from Twilight,” Applejack announced, forking over the letter so Lugnut could see. He made a face, but accepted the letter and scanned it.

“She’s asking about Nil and Null again…”

“Again?”

“Yeah,” Big Lugnut said, rolling the letter back up. “She wrote me a letter last night too.”

“You mean last night, last night?” Applejack asked.

“Yeah, she asked me how to turn them off,” he told her. “I guess it didn’t work.”

“The letter didn’t say she turned them on,” Spike said, defending his mentor and caretaker. “She knows they’re dangerous. She wouldn’t do that.”

“Either way, I better respond before something bad happens,” Lugnut said, heading into the house to acquire the materials he’d need.

“Do you even know the answer?” Applejack asked.

“Sorta, I mean, I only had a brief time with them awake when they were trying to kill me in those ruins. Even if they’re fuzzy, my memories from further back paint a little picture of what they’re like,” Lugnut explained. “It’s kinda just gut instinct, but I’m pretty sure if Twilight and Rainbow Dash did turn them on Nil and Null will find them first.”

“You sure?” Applejack had confidence in his knowledge when it came to the complicated matters of his odd past, but she could never be too careful when it came to advice that might be imperative to her friends’ well beings.

“I’m sure enough,” Big Lugnut said, assuring her. “Besides, she isn’t going to find the answer to this question in a book.”

“What do you mean all those books are checked out?” I. Spy said to his dutiful assistant, even though the librarian he’d asked the actual question to was behind the counter. Paddy shrunk beneath her notepad, confused as to why he was sublimating his frustration onto her. She never knew why he did it. “Why are they all gone?”

“Some purple unicorn came in and borrowed them all at once,” Novella explained. She wasn’t paying attention to the two detectives at all. She was far too busy drawing little hearts on blank late return slips.

“I-I guess we’ll have to look for the books elsewhere,” Paddy said, crossing off the library as a place to do research on Nil and Null. “Should we go to a used book store?”

“Why would somepony rent out all the books on Pile and Pool?”

“For the nineteenth time, it’s Nil and N-”

“EUREKA!” Spy shouted and stamped a hoof without warning, frightening poor Paddy out of her wits. The spooked mare dropped her notepad and scuttled all the way up a nearby bookshelf unaided. Neither Novella nor Spy noticed. “The timing is too good to be a coincidence. Whoever checked out all those books must know something about current whereabouts of the artifacts. Paddy, make note of… Paddy? Paddy?”

“Up here, sir!” Paddy called to him, making the mistake of letting go of the bookshelf with one hoof to wave at him. As she felt herself lean towards the floor way, way below her, she grabbed the shelf again and pulled herself in close.

“Oh, good.” Spy looked around and found Paddy’s notepad on the floor. “You dropped this!” He picked it up and tossed it up to her, pencil and all. She caught it with her magic, seeing as her hooves were a little occupied with keeping her from falling all the way to her demise.

“T-thank you, sir!”

“Now take this down!” he shouted up at her. “Based on what the librarian has told us, a purple unicorn came in here and borrowed all the books. This fact is congruent with my initial analysis of our perpetrator being a unicorn! We could be dealing with more than one thief in this case, but we’ve got a definite beat on one of them. Come, Paddy! While the trail is hot!” Detective I. Spy turned about and exited the building, leaving Paddy alone on the top of the bookshelf. She’d managed to write everything down, but at this rate that might be the last thing she ever manages to do. Her front hooves were starting to give out.

“H-help!” she called out, but it did her little good. The only pony within earshot wasn’t listening to her. Even if they were both thinking about being swept up by a pegasus, the one safely planted on the ground wasn’t having very pure thoughts about it. Left with no other option, Paddy began to climb down the shelves just as carefully as she could.

The only dirt in Planter’s flower shop was in the flower pots. There wasn’t a bit of sod on the floor. There wasn’t a mote of dust on the counters. There wasn’t a speck of dirt on the welcome mat. There wasn’t even a stray hair on the cash register.

The store had never been in better order either. Nil had organized everything, several times. When Planter turned his back, Nil rearranged the flowers by price. He corrected him, telling him to organize them by species and color. Nil couldn’t tell a pansy from a cactus rose, so Planter was convinced he was going to have to spend the whole day fixing it. He gave Nil a book about flower species so he could help out a little, leaned under the counter to get another reference manual for Nil, came back up, and noticed that Nil had already successfully reorganized the store. It was perfect.

After that incident, Nil was suddenly an expert on flowers. He answered customer’s questions with frightening accuracy and unneeded detail. He knew which flowers were perennial and which flowers were biennial. He knew which flowers spring up almost on their own and which ones need scrupulous care to even sprout. He could tell a pansy from a cactus flower.

Planter stopped worrying about the store’s floor altogether, which left him to handle orders for special arrangements and take care of some of his more delicate plants. He’d hired help on the floor before, but none of his former employees were near this handy. Perhaps this was the difference between hiring a desperate student and a fully functioning member of society. When it came time to close the shop, Planter had to admit defeat.

“Nil, you have been a huge help today. I… I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it,” Planter said. He had a wet towel in hoof to wipe down the counter, but before he could do it several moist towels followed by dry rags slid on by. They left nothing in their wake but spotless countertop. “I’d say we’re square for the window and the flowerpots.”

Nil continued sending the cleaning supplies all about the store with his magic, not that there was much point in it. He’d kept the store immaculate ever since Planter first told him to clean the place. If his orders were to clean the store, then by Celestia the store would be clean.

“This unit requires flowers.”

“Oh, how could I forget!” Planter said, chuckling to himself. “That’s the whole reason you came here in the first place: flowers for your marefriend.”

“Affirmative.” Nil calculated that the store was as clean as statistically possible. He gathered up the buckets, the mops, the rags, and the washcloths and levitated them back into the supply closet.

“I think you’ve earned yourself some flowers, my friend.” Planter trotted over to where he kept the bouquets of roses, the most common flower gift between lovers. He took one collection of the red flowers between his teeth and tossed it over to Nil, who caught it with his magic.

“Objective completed.” It had taken him considerably longer to procure flowers than he anticipated, but completing his objective was completing his objective. It was time to move on to the next phase.

“Before you go,” Planter said, stopping the robot before he could walk out the door. “Seeing as you’re currently unemployed… I was wondering if you’d maybe like to work here.” Planter could not let Nil go without getting him to accept the job. He wasn’t sure how he even operated successfully before he showed up. Planter himself didn’t possess he diligence and eye for detail Nil sported.

“Query: You are offering regular employment at this establishment to vend flowers?” Nil asked.

“From six in the morning until eight at night, if that’s alright with you.” Planter prayed with all his might that Nil would say yes. He couldn’t afford Nil to turn down his offer, but luckily he had one trump card to play. He’d been listening and watching Nil, so he knew exactly what made him tick. “Mares aren’t very interested in bums without jobs.”

“This unit accepts your offer.”

“Great! I’ll see you tomorrow,” Planter said, acting as nonchalant as possible until Nil was out the door. Nil did not notice Planter’s victory celebrations back inside the store as he made note to return to the shop at six o’ clock on the dot. He trotted out into the darkened streets, determined to find Twilight Sparkle and fulfill his primary function.

First, he needed to determine where Twilight Sparkle would be at this hour. It was just about this time last night that he had encountered her, but he calculated that there was a low probability that she would be there. He could not find a factor that rooted her to that position.

In an effort to utilize all his resources, he removed the letters from where they had lain against his neck. Upon close inspection, he found that the letters had addresses. Seeing as the two letters were addressed to different ponies, he figured out which address was the return address quickly. He commit both Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash’s addresses to memory and returned them to their resting place.

He did not have detailed knowledge of the city’s layout, but using what he knew he calculated the most probable location of Twilight’s address. He walked up streets and down alleys, all the while calculating which direction held the highest probability of speeding his arrival. He knew the roses he possessed would last a while, but he knew that unless their stems were properly soaked in some water they would wither and die before too much time passed.

It wasn’t long until he arrived in the Castle District, which sat right inside the castle gates. The castle itself was one gate away, so the guards didn’t stop anypony from wandering in. Nil’s destination was not the castle, so he continued onwards down the cobbled path. The surrounding area was very well kept, with beautifully maintained hedges and a dazzling array of flowers. Marble sculptures greeted him at every turn, many of them spitting forth water into wide fountains.

One of these fountains stood in the center of a roundabout in Nil’s path, with statures of four armored stallions issuing water in cascades from above. The only thing special about this fountain was that there were two ponies situated underneath it: one stallion and one bored looking mare. Nil’s calculations put Twilight’s current place of residence nearby, but his programming called for one hundred percent certainty when possible.

“Query: which of these buildings is Twilight Sparkle’s place of residence?” he asked, approaching the two ponies.

“Please!” the stallion said, mostly through his nose and with more than just a hint of indignation. “You’re interrupting my conversation with this fine, young mare.” The stallion cast a seductive stare at his female companion. Her response was to roll her eyes.

“I don’t really mind, Blueblood,” she mare replied with an added yawn at the end. “I’d been praying for an interruption for a while now.”

“Now, now, you don’t mean that,” Blueblood said, inching closer to the mare. She responded by inching back away from him twice as far. “What do I have to tell you in order to get you back to my place tonight?”

“That you won’t be there.”

“Oh ho!” Blueblood forced himself to chuckle, as if the mare hadn’t been throwing back each of his advances tonight. “I think it wouldn’t hurt to trim the thorns off this rose…”

“Thorn removal can be hazardous to the flower’s health,” Nil said, breaking into the conversation and capturing both ponies’ attentions. “The resulting surface damage will leave the entire plant open to small insects and fungal infection.”

The comment rendered Blueblood speechless. A complete stranger had just insulted him, calling him an insect and infection. This stranger was certainly brazen to say something of that nature to the Prince Blueblood. His affront would not go unpunished; meanwhile, the mare he’d been trying to get with all night started laughing.

“I couldn’t have said it better myself,” she said, getting over her fit of giggling. She sauntered past the dumbstruck Blueblood and right up to Nil. “Just go down the path to the right, there. I believe Miss Sparkle is staying in the second villa on the right while she’s here in Canterlot.” She regarded his bow tie and bouquet of roses for a moment. A sly smile slid across her face.

“West, second residence on the right. Affirmative.”

“She’s lucky to have a special somepony like you,” the mare said, giving him a very suggestive wink. “I wouldn’t mind having a big, sensitive guy like you around.” Nil ignored the wink, too busy processing the term “special somepony”. He couldn’t fully ascertain the meaning, but he did not find any evidence to support him being Twilight’s special somepony.

“This unit is not ‘special somepony’ in relation to anypony.”

“Is that so?” The mare gave him another look up and down. “Well, I’m up that way, first on the left if it doesn’t work out at Twilight’s.”

“South, first residence on the left. Affirmative.”

“I’ll catch you later, big guy.” With one last suggestive wink and a very provocative swish of her tail, she strutted towards her home. She waved her flank for Nil to see as she departed, but only Blueblood noticed. The Prince appeared, put plainly, peeved. When he managed to tear his eyes from the mare’s receding behind, he noticed Nil’s behind was also receding.

“Hold on a moment!” Blueblood called before he got a handle on his temper, causing him to shout at the top of his lungs. Nil, who needed to determine whether or not he was being called, stopped. Blueblood, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself, trotted up to meet him. “So… exactly what business do you have with Twilight Sparkle?”

“Main objective: to deliver flowers to Twilight Sparkle. Secondary objective: to deliver these letters to Twilight Sparkle,” Nil explained. Blueblood noted the two letters tucked next to Nil’s neck. It was an unorthodox move, which clued Blueblood into something very important: Nil was a novice in the department of mares. It was a bit of a leap, but keep in mind that Blueblood isn’t a Prince because of his brain.

“Oh? Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Blueblood asked. He lifted a hoof and examined it, feigning any real interest in what was going on. Had he known Nil tended not to read body language, he would have forgone the gesture.

“Affirmative. My probability of success is high.” Nil had run the calculations several times now. The numbers were infallible.

“Hmm… I don’t know about that.” Blueblood glanced up at Nil’s face. The stallion was completely unreadable, but Blueblood didn’t let that shake him. He’d dealt with enough stone faced nobles in the past, and besides, he was out for vengeance. Nil cost him his date tonight, and Blueblood had a strict eye-for-an-eye policy when it came to ponies who committed affronts to him.

“Query: is there some variable this unit has not calculated for?” Nil prepared to receive an input that might lower his chances for success. He hadn’t made this much progress just to fail due to an unforeseen error once again. He would not abide by mistakes.

“Well, don’t you know? It’s just not proper to deliver letters and flowers at the same time.” Blueblood’s lie was blatant. Even a foal would speculate that he was just making things up. Blueblood himself might fall for it, but to think another living creature wouldn’t pick up on some foul-play in the statement would be insulting to ponykind. Especially coming from Blueblood, most ponies would quickly shrug the statement off.

“Affirmative. Recalculating…”

Blueblood grinned at what he thought was the perfect plan coming together.

“This unit must divide its tasks,” Nil concluded.

“You’re absolutely right, friend!” Blueblood said with an added, cheesy smile. “Here, let me take that off your hooves.” Without asking, Blueblood reached out and attempted to pry the bouquet of roses from Nil’s telekinetic grip. The bouquet didn’t budge an inch; not even a single petal twitched.

“Query: should this unit deliver the letters first?” Nil asked. Blueblood pulled one last time at the flowers before submitting to the fact that he’d need Nil’s consent to take them.

“Yes, letters first! They could have very important information that she needs to know right away. You can always deliver the flowers another day.”

“Affirmative.” Nil relinquished the bouquet to Blueblood, who swept it up in his magic and brought it close to his nose.

“… You know, now that I think about it,” Blueblood said, an even more devilish plan taking root in his brain. “I don’t think Twilight Sparkle is very fond of roses. Yes, I remember she specifically told me that roses are her absolute least favorite flower.”

“Affirmative. This unit will procure a different kind of flower.” Nil calculated his original plan’s probability of success with these new factors. Not only was it lower, but failure appeared imminent. The chance he had of avoiding this blunder was extremely low too. It was fortunate that he ran into Blueblood tonight. “Commencing delivery of letters.”

“Yeah, you do that.” Blueblood waved Nil off down the street. He couldn’t help but smile at himself. As far as he was concerned, he was a genius. His plan had gone perfectly, but he wasn’t done yet. He trailed a ways behind Nil, following him almost right up to Twilight’s stoop. While Nil knocked on the door, he ducked down behind some hedges. He did not get in the hedges because that might muss up his mane.

Nil didn’t even have to wait a minute for Twilight Sparkle to appear at the door. She was, to say the least, shocked to see him.

“Wow, I guess Lugnut was right.”

“This unit has these for you,” Nil said, producing the two letters and presenting them to Twilight. She accepted them, even if she was completely confused at the moment. Even more confusing was the fact that the letters were from Princess Cadence. On top of that, one of them wasn’t for her but Rainbow Dash.

“Where did you get these?” she asked, fearing the worst.

“They were dropped at the flower shop,” Nil explained.

Twilight recalled earlier today when she was walking back from the library. She’d run into Shining Armor, who looked a little roughed up and who claimed he had something for her and Rainbow Dash. He searched his person, but found nothing. He’d quickly blamed it on leaving it back home and told Twilight he’d give them to her tomorrow morning. These letters, were beyond a doubt, what he was trying to deliver.

Even if Nil had delivered them instead of her brother, one of them was still a letter for her, so she decided to open it up. Inside the envelope was a neatly folded note, which dropped out two, pink tickets when opened. Twilight picked up the tickets from the ground and began reading the letter.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Princess Cadence formally invites you to the First Annual Crystal Ball. Enclosed in this letter are two tickets: one for you and a guest of your choosing. The event will be formal dress and will celebrate good relations between the royal families of the Crystal Empire and Equestria. Your attendance is not mandatory, but would be highly appreciated.

The party will feature a fully stocked buffet of the finest Equestrian cuisine prepared by the esteemed chefs of the castle, live ballroom music performed by Equestria’s own Royal Symphonic Orchestra, an extensive goodwill ceremony featuring the graceful and benevolent Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and our her very royal highness Princess Celestia, and a raffle.

No RSVP is necessary. Simply save the date and we will expect you there.

Signed,

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza

The letter did not stop there. Underneath the first part, which was probably printed onto every invitation, was a message that looked penned in afterwards. The long, sloping cursive strokes and the hearts over the i’s clued Twilight in on just who had wrote the post script.

P.S. – Bring that mysterious coltfriend of yours to the ball so we can all meet him!

“Uh-oh…”

“This unit has completed its task.”

Twilight’s head snapped up to look back up at Nil. He’d been so quiet and she’d been so absorbed in the letter that Twilight complete forgot he was there. She’d also forgotten that he was a robot that she stole from a museum that she needed to convince to zap the other robot she’d stole from the same museum. By the time she remembered all this, Nil was already turning out of the walk up to her house.

“Wait!” she called after him. “Come back here for a second!” Nil did as he was told, walking back up to the stoop and standing right before Twilight Sparkle.

“This unit awaits your orders.”

“Yes, about that.” Twilight knew what to do. If this worked, she could rid herself of this problem tonight. “I need you to zap Null with your magic.”

“Negative.”

“H-huh?” Twilight had not anticipated a defiant response, let alone such a quick one. “Why? Why not? If you love me you will!”

“This unit cannot carry out that task,” Nil replied. “Utilizing aggressive magic against Null does not align with this unit’s primary function.”

“Yes it does! In fact, it has everything to do with your primary function!” Twilight insisted. Her pleas fell on unreceptive audio input devices.

“Negative: Null is allied to this unit. Good relations will be maintained as a necessity to the primary function.” Nil was resolute, having near one hundred percent certainty he was right. Twilight’s argument didn’t have the proper logic behind it, so he discarded it. “This unit must conduct additional research.” With that, Nil turned and exited the property. Twilight couldn’t do anything to stop him. She tried to think of another way to convince him, but there was currently something else eating at her.

The matter of who to take to the Crystal Ball still loomed. She looked back down at Cadence’s post-script. Cadence saw Nil and Null; she will be expecting them at the Crystal Ball. She looked down at the date the ball would be held. There was only a month to figure this out. It was too late at night to be thinking about it and she’d need to get Rainbow Dash’s input on it too. She should probably send a letter to her, telling her they needed to talk after Wonderbolt practice tomorrow. While she was at it, she should write a letter to Lugnut asking him if there was a way to divert Nil and Null from their primary function. She needed to get them to-

“Hello there.”

Twilight jumped into the air and dropped everything in her magic’s grip. She swept it all up and levitated it onto the table beside her door, composing herself before her guest.

“Sorry, I have that effect on ponies,” Blueblood said with a suave smile. He levitated the bouquet of roses over to Twilight. “For you.”

“Uh… thanks,” Twilight said, accepting the gift from her second unexpected visitor. “What’re these for?”

“Just a ‘have a nice stay in Canterlot’ gift for an old friend.”

“We’ve… never really talked to each other,” Twilight said. Blueblood had forgotten that, but he couldn’t remember why that was the case. They were both close to the Princess, spent a lot of time around the palace, and were of the opposite gender. He wondered why it took a motivator like revenge for him to finally decide to come onto the bookish unicorn.

“That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends!” Blueblood attempted to salvage his efforts with the one thing he really knew about Twilight Sparkle: she was all about friendship. Princess Celestia never shut up about her research in the field of friendship, something that never sat well with Blueblood.

“I guess so.” Twilight felt like something was up. She didn’t know anything about affairs of nobility, but most of them had to do with Blueblood and some official’s wife or marefriend. Had Twilight stuck her nose into other ponies’ businesses instead of books while she was studying under Celestia, she would have smelled the rat on her stoop.

“Say, we should do lunch sometime when you’re in town.” Blueblood stepped closer to the door, prompting Twilight to take a step back. Even if she didn’t know how much a schlub Blueblood really was, she could tell when somepony was coming on to her, especially when they were coming on this strong. “How about tomorrow? Noon? The Soup de Jour?”

“I… uhm… well.” Twilight struggled to find some excuse not to go. She didn’t want to just blurt out that she had no interest in dining with Blueblood whatsoever because that would be rude. Rainbow Dash wouldn’t be out of practice until well after noon, and she really didn’t have anything else to do besides pouring through the books about Iron Ponies she got at the library.

“Great, I’ll see you then!” Blueblood turned himself away from the door and departed, leaving a bewildered Twilight in his wake. All she could do was accept she had a date tomorrow in silence.

“For the last time, leave! This area is off limits right now!” a guard explained for the tenth or eleventh time to a loitering Null. He’d been hanging around the recently wrecked apartment building, refusing to stay behind the caution tape and always returning when escorted out.

“This unit is attempting to locate Rainbow Dash.”

“Well, she’s not here buddy,” the guard grunted. “Jeez, you’re just as bad as that pony who kept trying to steal flowers this morning.”

“Query: what is the location of Rainbow Dash?” Null asked, not intending to push the guard’s last button. He’d put up with enough crazy ponies pushing the envelope today.

“Look, I don’t know where this Rainbow Dash is, okay?” the guard said with a snarl on his face. “She’s probably at home, sleeping! If you don’t know where she lives, get an address book!”

“Affirmative. This unit will acquire an address book.”

“Yes, good, now go away!” The guard pointed back to the road not sectioned off with caution tape. Null glanced down that road for a moment, but turned around and took off in the opposite direction much to the guard’s chagrin. He just growled and returned to his post. As long as he didn’t have to deal with that pegasus or that unicorn from earlier in the morning ever again, he’d be just fine.

V: Jet

V: Jet

Robotic Stallion: Love Machines
Author: HoovesLikeJagger
Chapter 5

Null had scoured every book in the library, but he hadn’t found one trace of an address book. The closest he got was a little black book stashed under the receptionist’s counter. All the addresses in it were crossed off and nearly illegible, but Null could read enough to tell Rainbow Dash’s address wasn’t in it. The next logical step would be to search elsewhere for an address book, preferably before the sun came up; however, Null had found something else that caught his interest.

“Plantains of Passion 2: Look, Love is Healthy But Not When You Fry it and Salt it a Bunch Even If it is Real Tasty. Analyzing… analyzing…” Contained within the book were even more secrets to perfecting the romance function. It filled in many gaps from the original book Null had read, but there were still some discrepancies. He would have to obtain the other volumes of the book series in order to further his research. For the time being, he could move forward with his newfound discovery.

“This unit must locate and vanquish the love-rival. Optimal Course of Action: samurai swords at high noon dangling over the edge of The Endless Falls with only four hours remaining to file taxes. Secondary Course of Action: smashing, if swords cannot be located.” The book depicted the main protagonist, Mofongo the Mustachioed Plantain Farmer, could only win the love of Duchess Distress by dispatching his love-rival Refried Estebeans. He successfully proved himself the superior lover and the one worthy of Duchess Distress’s hoof, and this earned him the affections of his love. Null was now programmed to do the same.

Locating both Rainbow Dash and the pony destined to do battle with him was top priority, but on exiting the library he still didn’t have the foggiest idea where either could be located. He figured his love-rival would be somewhere in the vicinity of Rainbow Dash, so he took off into the dawning sky and returned to his original task. He flew in close to the rooftops, still searching for Rainbow Dash or anything that might be an address book. He didn’t find a thing, until his optical sensors detected something atop a short building in Canterlot’s business district.

Null had seen and observed many of the billboards around the city, but he was now bearing witness to a new advertisement being posted by a pony with a long stick and a lot of glue. Normally, adverts wouldn’t mean a thing to him, but this one was special. The half of the poster that was plastered bore a huge, saluting visage of Rainbow Dash. Null watched as the other half was rolled up, revealing the textual part of the advertisement.

“Come see the Amazing Rainbow Dash™ and her Sonic Rainboom™! Tickets for the upcoming Wonderbolts™ Show now available! Come see the Wonderbolts™ Live at Wonderbolts™ Stadium™! … Target Acquired.”

Null flew off to where he knew he’d seen several, similar advertisements put up en masse. Other visual records of the location held evidence of a sign reading “Wonderbolts Stadium.” Data indicated that Rainbow Dash most likely did not live at the Wonderbolts Stadium, but if she could be found there she could be later tracked to her place of residence. At the time her home address is acquired, Null can initiate the love function and fulfill his programming, but only after destroying the love-rival of course.

Null touched down at the stadium just as Celestia finished raising the sun over the horizon. Despite the early hour, Null noted several pegasi trotting briskly into the stadium’s interior. Null trotted after them, not seeing Rainbow Dash among the ponies outside the stadium. He would find her location inside the stadium and then wait. The plan was perfect and the programming was set in motion.

“Are you here for Wonderbolts Academy?”

Not five hoofsteps into the door, Null had already run into a problem. A dour looking pony with a clipboard was barring further entry and asking about “Wonderbolt Academy.” Null had no knowledge of this in his database; however, revealing his true intentions to this pony could jeopardize his plan. He decided to employ a tactic he discovered while reading Plantains of Passion: misdirection.

“Affirmative.”

“Name?”

Null’s misdirection program hit a snag. He did not know what names were on the list the pony had with him. Misdirection did call for making up a name on the spot, but the chance of success was incredibly low. Null’s only option was to select a name he had seen before, just to make sure he was referencing a real pony. He called up a list of known male pegasi names. The only one that fit the criteria was in the black book he found in the library.

“Snowflake.”

“… Alright, head on in Mr. Snowflake.” The pony with the clipboard scratched something off of his list and went right back to staring half-lidded at what he was holding. Null trotted on past him, successfully completing his misdirection function. He filed the name “Snowflake” away for his alias during his stay at the stadium.

Unfamiliar with the inside of the stadium, Null continued following the crowd. His journey took him to a storage room, through a locker room, into a tight-fitting flight suit and goggles, and out onto an open field. There he stopped in a long line of other ponies wearing the same flight suit. He could not calculate what would happen next, but he desired to get onto searching for Rainbow Dash. As another group of ponies not wearing flight suits descended onto the field, he found his search would have to wait.

“Alright maggots! Today is the first day of your new lives,” the pony who appeared to be in charge shouted at them. “I’m Captain Soarin and I will be the spanker of your behind and the decider of whether or not you get to continue living or die! Is that understood?”

“Sir, yes sir!” the other ponies in line with Null chanted with frantic speed. Null noticed Soarin turn and look at him. Based on his expression, Null figured he was not pleased with something. He attempted to figure out what while Soarin marched up to him.

“I said… ‘is that understood?’” Soarin kept on staring at Null. The robot ran back through his audio archives.

“Affirmative.”

“Affirmative… what?”

“Affirmative: the question was indeed stated at a previous time.” Null gave a more concise answer and readied an even more detailed report in the case of another query. The one Soarin gave him, however, was not one he anticipated.

“So, you think you’re funny, maggot?”

Null had to process the question for a while. He had not attempted humor before because he did not see how it tied into his romance and love functions. Laughter did have medically beneficial qualities and anything that prolonged the life of his target would help him run his function. He considered that perhaps he should look into comedy to bolster his arsenal, but the question still remained if he considered himself capable of comedy or not. The answer to that was much simpler.

“Negative.”

“Negative… what?!” Soarin was grinding his teeth now, a practice Null was almost ready to advise him was not good for his health, but the submitted query held precedence.

“Negative: this unit does not deem itself fit for producing comedy.”

Soarin was ready to pop a gasket. He’d never gotten so much lip from a trainee. It was always unyielding respect from the moment he was within earshot. He hadn’t been kicked around by his superiors for years just to get toyed with by the newcomers. There was only one remedy for ponies who couldn’t help but flap their lips: flapping their wings.

“Well, thanks to the comedian here, it looks like you can all get started with three hundred laps!” Soarin’s order was met with groans, but a quick tweet of his whistle silenced them and sent the academy goers on their way. Null was the last to depart, as if he had to take a cue from the others before he knew what was going on. Soarin watched them, already knowing who he was going to put on the Dizzytron 500™ first once they were done.

Null couldn’t figure out why the group of flight suited ponies was flying around in circles over and over again, especially since so many of them appeared to be getting extremely fatigued from it. Soarin kept tweeting his whistle, however, and they kept flying. It wasn’t until the three hundredth revolution that the group finally came to a stop. Null landed and stood tall among the panting and wheezing ponies. None of this was getting him any closer to finding Rainbow Dash.

Soarin didn’t know exactly how to react. The mouthy pony didn’t seem fazed at all by the insane number of laps he’d just flown. All the others were about ready to crawl into early graves, but Null hadn’t even shed one drop of sweat. Soarin couldn’t accept this. Soarin wanted to move onto the Dizzytron 500™, but he couldn’t until he’d broken Null and made an example of him. Until Null was begging for mercy, Soarin was going to strike mercy from his vocabulary.

“Good job flying those laps, but now it’s time for some real work! I want you to run three hundred more laps.” That began a day of training a group of Wonderbolt hopefuls would likely never forget if they managed to survive.

“How does this batch of recruits look?” Rainbow Dash asked Spitfire. It had once fallen to her to train the recruits, but Spitfire’s promotion came with the ability to delegate that task so somepony else. She chose Soarin because he had a special place in his heart for torturing ponies weaker than him.

“Some old riff-raff as always. I don’t expect to see anything special,” Spitfire replied as the two made their way down the stadium’s hallways. They were heading to the main field to check on the current recruit’s training. It was already well past noon, so the recruits had probably moved on to practical drills at this point. The two mares hurried, knowing they might catch some great Dizzytron 500™ moments if they made it in time.

“Don’t worry, Spits,” Rainbow Dash said to her superior. “I’m sure Soarin will whip them into shape.” The two stunt fliers walked into the stadium proper.

“Only fifty more laps! I want to see those forelegs moving, and put your backs into it!”

Spitfire and Rainbow Dash weren’t sure what to make of the spectacle before them. It looked like a bunch of recruits doing laps standing on just their forelegs, wearing hoofball pads, and towing sleds loaded down with frozen yogurt. Neither of them remembered this being a regular exercise, or even an exercise for that matter. They avoided being trampled by the obviously tired ponies and made their way to the center of the field where Soarin was.

“What the hay is going on?” Spitfire asked, using her official voice to make sure Soarin knew she was serious.

“Warm-ups, ma’am!” Soarin saluted, to make sure Spitfire knew he was being professional and in control. She didn’t buy it for a second.

“A couple hundred laps of flying and running too pedestrian for you, Soarin?” Spitfire did her best to make it obvious that she was displeased with what was going on, but for some reason Soarin was extra dense today. The yogurt should have tipped her off.

“Gotta show these ponies that backtalk isn’t tolerated. Gotta make an example of the group’s troublemaker!” Soarin pointed a hoof at the one pony doing laps at a decent clip, even though his sled was weighed down with several buckets of sand and not yogurt. Rainbow Dash’s heart hopped, skipped, and blew chunks.

“Uh… oh.” Even under the pads and flight suit, she could easily identify the iron pony. There could only be one reason Null would show up at the stadium, and there was no way Rainbow Dash was going to let him carry on like he had the night after he’d been activated. She didn’t know how Null had managed to get himself into Wonderbolt’s Academy, but she could figure that out once she got him out of the academy. Having him stay around was not good news. “Soarin, I think you’d better lay off. You’re not going to break that guy.”

“What makes you say that, Dash?” Spitfire asked, but Rainbow Dash struggled to answer. “Do you know that pony?”

“Uh, yeah… sorta.”

Spitfire blew her whistle, causing all the running ponies to come to a halt. Null was the last to stop, still having to take his cue from the other runners. The need to depart to find Rainbow Dash was becoming increasingly urgent. He could not know how long she would be in the vicinity.

“Hey, you, big guy! Come here!”

Null turned his head to where a pony seemed to be calling at him. Scans revealed that Rainbow Dash was standing right in the center of the arena. He had been so focused on hauling sand in circles that he failed to notice. Delighted to have located his target at long last, he dragged his sledge all the way to the middle of the arena.

“Target acquired,” Null announced upon his arrival next to Rainbow Dash. He removed his pads and cast them aside onto some poor soul trying to catch her breath. Nopony paid her cry of anguish any mind.

“… Hi Null.” Rainbow Dash feigned a smile, cursing herself for ever speaking up. She took a little solace in knowing she probably prevented Soarin from killing the recruits.

“Pretty impressive work out there, Mr. Null,” Spitfire said to the mechanical stallion, who just looked like a normal pony to her. “You get lessons from Dash, here?”

“Negative.”

“Is that so?” Spitfire was surprised. She was sure that a pony with incredible talent who knew Rainbow Dash would have to attribute at least a little of it to her. “How do you two know each other?”

For Rainbow Dash, time froze. She knew what was going to happen before it did. She knew what Null was going to say before he said it. She knew, but she was powerless to stop it. Her life flashed before her eyes. She waved good-bye to her reputation. It was a good run, but the sun was setting on Rainbow Dash’s life as of today. She stood there with dinner plate eyes while Null sealed her fate.

“Rainbow Dash is this unit’s very special somepony.”

Spitfire and Soarin looked at Rainbow Dash, and then they looked at Null. They looked back and forth and back and forth and back and forth until their necks were sore. Rainbow Dash wondered what kind of things they would write on her tombstone now. She thought she’d better edit her will to state that Null wasn’t allowed to come to her funeral and to be sure Tank would be the beneficiary of her entire estate.

“You never mentioned having a special somepony, Rainbow Dash,” Spitfire said to her subordinate, the one that normally told her everything. Rainbow Dash didn’t buy a different breakfast cereal without running by her captain first, so the thought of that same pony going out and getting a coltfriend without telling a soul on the team seemed outlandish. She didn’t really take issue with it, but Spitfire couldn’t help but smell something kinda fishy.

Rainbow Dash, disappointed she hadn’t up and died already, wasn’t sure how to respond. She just stood there with her mouth open like a guppy. She wasn’t sure whether she should deny it outright or just agree with Null and go with the flow. In the end, she just ended up laughing weakly without saying a single word.

This development was just perfect for somepony else. Soarin couldn’t think of any better way of humiliating Null than by trouncing him in front of his marefriend. The previous exercises were foal’s play compared to what Soarin had brewing in his head for Null.

“Weeeell, we’re just going to have to give Null the ol’ Friends-And-Family Treatment, won’t we?” Soarin put a hoof around the robot’s neck, chumming it up just as well as he could fake it. Before Spitfire or Rainbow Dash could even begin to ask what the “Friends-And-Family Treatment” even was, Soarin was running his mouth again. “Let’s me and you have a little competition to see who can do the most laps at high speed, alright? I’ll go easy on you, let you pick the pace.”

“Understood.”

“Uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea Soarin,” Rainbow Dash said, trying to warn Soarin before he did anything stupid. Soarin had already punched in the number for stupid and loaded up all the idiocy he had laying around, so there wasn’t any stopping him now. Telling him that Null was a confused robot with unlimited stamina might have fixed his attitude, but Rainbow Dash was more worried about her own hide than Soarin’s.

“Don’t worry. I said I would go easy on him, right buddy?” Soarin gave Null a friendly nudge with his hoof, which resulted in a hollow, metallic thud. Nopony but Rainbow Dash noticed.

“That’s not-” Rainbow Dash tried to stop them, but Soarin took to the air with Null following right behind. They started their competition, flying around the stadium at a speed that would have been only mildly strenuous for the average Wonderbolt.

“Don’t bother trying to stop them, Dash.” Spitfire put a hoof on the worried pegasus’s shoulder. “It’s just a stallion thing: being macho and junk. Let them run each other into the ground. I’m sure they’ll be best friends afterwards.”

Rainbow Dash didn’t have much say in the matter. She watched the two fly as they circled around the stadium with Soarin leading the way. He was obviously taking it easy, confident that he could beat his opponent at any speed. Null, on the other hoof, was content to fly circles around the stadium as long as Rainbow Dash was nearby. He could easily watch and pursue her if she tried to exit his field of awareness.

Soarin rolled and flew with his wings under him so he could face Null. “You sure you don’t want to slow down, buddy?” he asked. “I wouldn’t want you to wear yourself out too quickly.”

“This unit will maintain the current level of performance.” Null had calculated just how fast he could go without wiping out around the turns. He could fly around and around for weeks on end if his mission required him to. Soarin, however, had no way of knowing this.

“We’ll see how you feel about that choice in the end.”

A long day in the orchard was exhausting work for anypony. There are currently only two ponies working the entirety of Sweet Apple Acres: Big Macintosh and Big Lugnut. The Big Brothers-In-Law were sturdy, strong, and dependable, but they had their limits. They lacked the benefit of getting help from their respective wives, seeing as the two mares were getting pretty ripe themselves.

The labor side of business was left to the pair of stallions, and after a day of working hard they just wanted to sit out in the porch in the cool of the evening with a couple of apple ciders and just listen to the hum of another day ending.

“Eeyup.”

“Mmhmm.”

The pair was doing exactly what they wanted. It was pleasant and relaxing, exactly what they needed. Of course, there is only one rule concerning peaceful, serene scenes around Sweet Apple Acres: they are bound to be destroyed.

“Pa? PaaaAAAAaaa?!” Pippin appeared from the front door, shouting like a siren for her father. Despite being able to clearly see him from where she was standing, she still insisted on shouting for him. It might not be so much that she was looking for him rather than just wanting him to know she was coming for him. On the other hoof, sometimes there’s no telling what’s going through Pippin’s brain.

“Yes, sugar?” Lugnut said, taking another draught of cider before turning to his daughter. He had already accepted that she would be around to bother him tonight, but he was okay with that.

“Ah was jus’ wun’dren if’n you’d take me into town tuh-marrah,” Pippin said, her accent getting heavier in her excitement. “It’s Saterdee, so I ain’t got school ‘r nuthin’. Ah reckon Ah’d get awful bored if’n I stayed ‘round here.”

“I dunno, sugar. I’ve still got a lot of work to do tomorrow.” Lugnut ruffled his daughter’s mane, but he was surprised when he found his massive hoof was pushed aside. He looked down at Pippin, who was looking back up at him with a cross look that was somewhat reminiscent of her mother’s glare. “I would if I could, but it’s a busy time of year. Your uncle and I have to pick up the slack since your mother and aunt can’t help us out.”

Pippin puffed up her cheeks and trotted off back inside the house. Lugnut waited, aware that this was hardly the end of the conversation. He took another draught of cider.

“Three… two… one…”

“Lugnut!” Applejack came wobbling out of the door with Pippin scampering right behind her. “Can’t you just drop Pippin down at Rarity’s? It won’t take more than twenty minutes.”

“It’s more than just twenty minutes,” Lugnut said, correcting his wife. “It’s about twenty minutes down there and back, and that’s if the streets are all that busy. I’ll have to go back down and get her afterwards as well.”

“Just ask Gibson to walk her back,” Applejack suggested. “Ah reckon he’s got time on his hooves.”

“I wouldn’t want to but Gibson out like that.”

“No, you’d rather not put yerself out like that,” Applejack retorted. She hobbled around in front of him and glared right at his face. “You don’t need the entire day to work, you know? Just do this one thing, alright?”

“I’m already doing the thing I need to do.” Lugnut set down his drink. He furrowed his brow and stared up at the ceiling. “Look, I’ve already got everything planned out for tomorrow. If me and Mac can get it all done, we’ll be back on track again. I’d really like to just focus in tomorrow.”

“And you can’t spare just a few minutes for your daughter?” Applejack asked, the frustration starting to rise in her voice; however, she took a deep breath and calmed herself. She turned away from Lugnut and looked down at Pippin, smiling. “Well, I’d take you mahself, but-”

“Ah know! Yer all preg-nant an’ whatnot…”

“So Ah reckon you can go down by yourself.”

“What?!” Lugnut sat up with a start.

“Yah really mean it?” Pippin asked, bouncing up and down with excitement. “Awh shucks! Wait’ll Ah tell Swansong ‘bout this! She’ll be jealous fer sher!”

“No, that’s out of the question!” Lugnut stood up and toward over his family. His voice shook with disapproval. “Pippin is too young for that.”

“Young-shmung. Ah went all the way to Manehattan by mahself when I was about her age. She’s a smart girl; she kin handle herself,” Applejack insisted. “It’s about time we started givin’ her some more responsibilities. We should let’er have this chance to prove herself.”

“She has responsibilities, many of which you don’t trust her with already,” Lugnut retorted. “You’re just doing this to get on my nerves.”

“Ah am not!” Applejack shouted, seriously offended by the wild accusation. “Ah’m bein’ serious here.”

“You’re the one who always scolds her for going out on her own. Don’t put me in this kind of position just because you’re being moody.”

“Don’t you dare play that card, mister!”

At this point, the argument had escalated into a mere shouting match. Taking their cue to give the couple some space, Big Macintosh got up and ushered his niece inside. He shut the door behind them, but it did little to muffle the sound of shouting. Attracted by all the noise, Applebloom appeared in the hallway.

“Are they seriously going at it again?” she asked, getting a nod each from her relatives. “They’re gonna wake up Tinker if they keep this up. Somepony oughta tell them to simmer down.”

“Nnope,” Big Macintosh said, retreating rather swiftly down the hallway, towards his room. The largest among them wasn’t up to the task, so neither were the smaller two. The shouting raged on, while Pippin stared down at the floor.

“Any idea what they’re arguin’ about?” Applebloom asked, taking a seat next to her niece.

“It’s me again,” Pippin said in a mumble.

“Well, you don’t know that fer shore…”

“No, it’s me alraght.” Pippin sunk down to the floor, laying on her belly. “It’s always mah fawlt.”

“Now I know that ain’t true.”

The door to the house suddenly swung open, banging against the wall.

“Pippin! Upstairs! Now!” Applejack tottered past her and up the stairs, stopping halfway to look back at Pippin. “Ah said now!”

Pippin slowly got to her hooves and turned towards the stairs.

“Ah told ya.” She left Applebloom downstairs and followed her mother to her room in a slow procession. Applejack closed the door behind them, but then crawled up on Pippin’s bed. She patted the space next to her, indicating for her daughter to join her. Pippin complied, but her mother said nothing. The pregnant mare just stared at the far wall.

“Ah ain’t mad at you,” she finally said after a little while. It served to make Pippin feel a little better, but the fact remained that her mother was still mad. “Yer father doesn’t want you goin’ into town alone. Spike and Applebloom might have plans of their own tomorrow, but Ah’ll ask if they’ll take you into town tomorrow.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“It’s alright… y’all don’t have to ma’am me,” Applejack said, removing her hat and placing it on her daughter. She allowed herself to drop onto her side, laying down on the bed. “Shouldn’t be this complicated for a filly to play with her friend.”

“If’n nopony can take me, Ah kin just stay here ‘n help Apple Barrel wif his schoolwork er somethin’,” Pippin said, offering an alternative solution to the problem.

“But you worked hard to finish yer’s so you could play with Swansong tomorrow,” Applejack said. “Ah’d hate to see yer hard work go to waste.”

“Ah would’ve finished it pretty dern quick anyways,” Pippin confessed. “If’n Ah’m being honest, Ah only went and said Ah’d do it all quick-like today to git some lev-rage fer askin’ you to go to town tuh-marrah.”

“Sugarcube, yer too smart fer yer own good.”

“Ms. Cheerilee is sayin’ that to me all the tah-me too.” Pippin flopped down on her stomach next to her mother. “Although, she’s always scoldin’ me when she says it. Why just this Wed-ness-day, she was sayin’ no good could come from tryin’ to instant-gate a stable-lied barber econ-no-knee in the class based on the demand ‘n supply fer certain lunch goods ‘n whatnot. Ah told her I hadn’t understood a word she said, and that Ah just wanted to make sure all lunch trades were fair ‘n square so there wouldn’t be no squabblin’.”

“The letter Cheerilee sent home with you just said you’d secretly shuffled the contents of everypony’s lunches.”

“Ah already knew what trades Ah had to make to acquire Zippy’s puddin’, so Ah just wanted to save some lunchtime by doin’ them pre-emptily,” Pippin said, explaining the motivation behind her scheme. “Cheerilee said that even if Ah’d worked that out, Ah still had to ask permission. Ah explained the whole derned process to her, and that was when she said that thing: ‘Yer too smart fer yer own good.’”

“And that you are,” Applejack said, tipping her hat over her daughter’s eyes and chuckling. “One day yer gonna use that brain of yours to get yerself into a bit too much trouble, young lady.”

“Well… Ah reckon Ah’m always in trouble…”

“Aww, sugarcube.” Applejack reached across her belly and pulled her daughter in close. It was an awkward embrace, but it was the best she could manage. “You know fer all mah yellin’ and hollerin’ atcha, Ah still love you.”

Pippin mumbled something into Applejack that sounded a lot like “Ah love you too.” The mother and daughter remained that way for a long while. Somewhere along the line, Pippin fell asleep. Applejack didn’t want to get up for fear of waking her, but then realized she was actually very comfortable right where she was. She spent the night in this way, embraced by another pony.

When Soarin came to, Spitfire and a couple ponies from the medical staff were standing over him. Delirious, he wondered what he was doing soaking wet and splayed out in the field in the darkness. Piece by piece and agonizing moment by agonizing moment, his memories swarmed back. The very end of his little competition with Null was still a blur, meaning there was one question he wanted answered.

“Did I win?” A goofy smiled spread out across his face.

“Soarin, after seven thousand laps you got so tired you passed out and fell through the cloud surface. Null caught you and towed you back up to the field while you were too tired to even stay awake,” Spitfire explained to him. Soarin was still smiling, hopeful. “You didn’t win.”

“I lost… to the newbie?!” Soarin sat up much too fast, accidentally making his head spin in three different directions. He managed to stay upright and even stand with the help of one of the medics once everything around him held still. He focused on Null, who was standing a few yards away from him next to Rainbow Dash. He felt his nostrils involuntarily flare and his ears pin straight back. “He has to be cheating!”

“He’s not cheating Soarin,” Rainbow Dash told him, thinking she was technically right. It was true that Null was a robot and therefore free from fatigue or injury, but that was just how he was. She tried not to think about it because the more she did the more it seemed to her that Null was indeed cheating. “He’s sturdy, is all.”

“Sturdy?” Spitfire stepped in between the two and looked up at Null. “He did all those warm-ups that ran the other recruits ragged and then managed to tire out a Wonderbolt without even breaking a sweat. Forget sturdy! This pony is a machine!”

Rainbow Dash decided she should neither deny or confirm Spitfire’s claim.

“How is this pony not a Wonderbolt already?” Spitfire asked, sounding uncharacteristically eager to sign Null on after just one display of endurance. Soarin couldn’t believe what he was hearing, nor did he want to believe it. He wanted to do everything he could to prevent Null from being a Wonderbolt, but Rainbow Dash beat him to the punch.

“With all due respect, ma’am, Null isn’t cut out to be a Wonderbolt.”

“What makes you say that?” Spitfire waited for an explanation of why this pony wouldn’t make a good stunt flier. He seemed to have decent speed and unholy stamina, so she could only guess what kind of faults he could possibly possess.

“He’s too heavy, ma’am.” Rainbow Dash said nothing more. Spitfire and Soarin waited, but there was apparently nothing to wait for. According to Rainbow Dash, Null was too fat to be a Wonderbolt.

“Dash, do you have any idea how massive a pegasus would have to be before it seriously started messing with his flight performance? If he has a little trouble with turns or slowing down, we can slim him down and teach him the tricks of the trade. He can’t be that heavy,” Spitfire responded. She had seen bigger ponies become Wonderbolts, even if the vast majority of Wonderbolts were on the svelte side.

“If you don’t believe me, weigh him,” Rainbow Dash said, issuing her challenge while standing her ground. Spitfire looked dubious to the whole weight issue, but she sent for a scale anyway. If Dash was really bluffing, she wouldn’t gamble on it like this. Spitfire suspected there was more to the issue of Null being a Wonderbolt than just a little extra pie in his stomach, but she knew enough to see it was probably a personal thing between the couple. Null’s eligibility came down to weight.

“Alright Null, step on up,” Spitfire told the mechanical wonder once the scale had arrived. Null complied with his normal response at he stepped onto the scale. With just one hoof, the needle jumped all the way to its limit. Stepping all the way on, the scale groaned as the needle tried to spin farther than it was designed to. Spitfire just stared back and at the weight reading and the pony who it belonged to. It seemed impossible.

“This is a one ton scale, you can’t tip it that easily and still be alive,” Spitfire pointed out. Soarin and Rainbow Dash couldn’t help but gawk a little too. Soarin couldn’t believe he had lost to such a fat pony while Rainbow Dash realized she seriously underestimated just how heavy Null was. “What are you, made of rocks?”

“This unit is mostly iron.”

“I’ll say!” Spitfire replied. “There’s muscle-bound and then there’s just muscle, and you are just muscle. Dash is right, I don’t think the Wonderbolts can deal with a pony like you. Sorry about that.”

“This unit does not see how assimilating into the Wonderbolts would assist his primary programming; therefore, this unit does not desire to be a Wonderbolt,” Null explained, baffling most everypony present. Rainbow Dash was too busy being relieved to be baffled.

“If you don’t want to be a Wonderbolt, why are you here?” Soarin asked, storming right up to Null. Understandably, getting trounced by a complete stranger at his own game only to have that stranger state that they have no interest in playing anyway was a bit upsetting for the poor stallion.

“This unit was in pursuit of Rainbow Dash,” Null admitted. “Adjustments have been made to the romance function, therefore this unit desires to commence with primary programming.”

“Oh, so the loverboy just came to see his fillyfriend?” Soarin got nose to nose with Null, who had a notably cold nose for somepony who had just done so much flying and running. “Why are you wearing a flight suit and making a mockery of me?”

Null processed this information for a moment. He did indeed defeat Soarin in a competition in front of Rainbow Dash. If Soarin filled the position of his love-rival, he would have completed a large part of his programming. He ran a few tests and crunched a couple of numbers, and in the end he decided that Soarin would be suitable for his love-rival. Although Soarin was only defeated and not sliced in half then eaten by piranhas, Null decided the current situation was adequate. Already, his new romance function was working.

“This unit was required to best you in order to display his supremacy. Now Null will take his place as Rainbow Dash’s true lover.”

Soarin couldn’t think up a snappy comeback. The wheels in his head had to do some turning to figure out what Null meant. He backed up and put a hoof to his mouth, gazing vacantly into the distance. Something about what Null had said was important, and he needed to riddle it out.

“Well, inter-office romances usually make messes anyway. Maybe it’s better to keep you two lovebirds apart” Spitfire said with a dismissive shrug, embarrassing Rainbow Dash very thoroughly. “… But…”

“But what?” Rainbow Dash jumped forward at her superior. She didn’t want to hear any “buts.” Null wasn’t going to be a Wonderbolt and that was that. There could be no “buts.” She wouldn’t allow any “buts.”

“Certain training exercises have been a hassle since the old equipment manager threw his back out and then retired. There’s an opening for a strong, hardworking pegasus if he’s willing to accept it.” Spitfire held a hoof out towards Null, but he didn’t so much as twitch. He kept staring right through Spitfire. “I mean you, big guy.”

“Null cannot see how this task would benefit him,” Null stated. Moving equipment didn’t do anything for his primary function. He couldn’t accept a task that would distract from his goal.

“You’ll get to see Dash every day.”

“This unit accepts your offer.” Null took Spitfire’s hoof and shook it, a mannerism he learned by reading Plantains of Passion.

“You’re giving him a job?” Rainbow Dash asked, noticing something bad had developed before she had a chance to stop it. It was bad enough that Null had shown up today unannounced, but giving him an excuse to be around all day every day wasn’t acceptable.

“Yeah, I’m giving him a job. Kinda surprised that you’d go for a deadbeat, but love is love I suppose.” Spitfire turned and gestured for Null to follow her. “C’mon, Null. I’ll show you the ropes and then I’ll explain what your job is.”

Rainbow Dash watched her captain and Null walk off, still powerless to stop the situation from progressing. She took a few calming breaths and reminded herself that everything would be okay. She just needed to force Twilight to figure out how to get Nil and Null to turn off faster. Her reputation and her sanity were at stake. She spread her wings and decided to finally head home so she could hunt down her favorite egghead in order to get cracking on a solution to their robot problem.

Long after everypony had left, Soarin was still puzzling by his lonesome in the moonlight. The wheels in his head spun and spun and spun until the hamsters could run no more. He was just about to give up, when a light bulb went off.

“Does Rainbow Dash have a thing for me?”

There was still a skip in Planter’s step as he locked his store up after another very pleasant day. With his new number one employee, running the shop was smooth sailing. He looked over to Nil, who was wearing that same, vacant expression he always did. Under the influence of magic, he couldn’t tell that the expression was simply soldered on.

“I got say, Nil… you’re the best thing to ever happen to this store.”

“This unit has calculations suggesting there is a high probability that you are exercising hyperbole.” Nil could contest that the store’s success was mostly due to the fact that there was a burgeoning market it could sell its wares too or even to the fact that the store operated during hours ponies were out among the city streets. Nil’s presence hardly factored in at all, if he read the sales records from all ten years back correctly.

“Oh, nonsense. Give yourself a little more credit,” Planter said with a playful nudge. “That Twilight Sparkle is lucky to have such a diligent young stallion like you courting her.”

“Negative: this unit is programmed to love her. Luck does not factor into the probability of my programming being fulfilled,” Nil explained. Planter wasn’t at all sure what he meant, but Nil always sounded awfully determined whenever Twilight was brought up.

“Well, it makes sense that she’d go for a smart guy like you,” Planter went on to say. “Her nose has been all the way in a book since she was born! I bet you’re pretty smart yourself.”

“Query: Twilight Sparkle is more likely to court a pony who is ‘smart’?” Nil asked, the thought never coming up in his current program.

“Totally.” Planter couldn’t help but laugh at how naïve Nil sounded sometimes. It was almost as if he had no idea how to properly socialize and was poorly attempting to integrate himself; he was a silly pony. “I bet she’d get bored talking to somepony who wasn’t as smart as her, but you’ll be fine. You at least know a lot about flowers, so you’ve gotta know about other stuff too.”

“Noted: knowledge of flowers is adequate.” Nil processed what he was hearing, what he was learning. Being smart sounded like an important part of winning Twilight’s affections, so he must discover how she operationally defines smart and then act in that manner. From what he could gather thus far, amassing great amounts of knowledge on certain subjects had something to do with it. “Knowledge on flowers was obtained from books.”

“Yeah, I bet you read as much as her too.” Planter pocketed his key and started wandering towards home with a chuckle. “A couple of bookworms sounds kind of cute.”

Nil stood idle as Planter went on his way. The robot was analyzing data and adjusting his programming as needed. This new information could provide the breakthrough he needed after last night’s blunder, but only if he properly analyzed it and accounted for all possible scenarios. In the end, there was only one course of action to take.

“This unit must acquire books.”

I: Defibrillator

I: Defibrillator

Robotic Stallion: Love Machines
Author: HoovesLikeJagger
Chapter 1

Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash feigned chuckles to hide the lies they had just told. Twilight put on her best cheesy smile while Rainbow Dash avoided eye contact and took a long drink from her ice water. The atmosphere of the little garden cafe suddenly felt much stuffier. The two mares were paranoid that the Canterlot elites seated around them were staring at them, but nopony even glanced in their direction.

The awkward branch of conversation started when Twilight mentioned how Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity were all still back in Ponyville doing what they always did and raising their families. That prompted Rainbow Dash to mention how her little brothers and sister were getting bigger every day. After that, Twilight just had to mention how she thought that exact same thing about all the colts and fillies at Applejack's eldest daughter Pippin's fifth birthday party two months ago. Rainbow Dash mentioned something about getting old, and Twilight agreed. Rainbow Dash then dropped the biggest bombshell of the afternoon, saying how she wasn't interested in romance or starting a family. Twilight agreed with her in an instant.

Now they didn't know what to say. Truth be told, finding that special somepony and pushing out a foal or two crossed their minds on a daily basis. They couldn't do anything about it, really. Their friends had and were having kids, so talks about husbands and child rearing were impossible to avoid with them. It was true that only three out of six of their tight circle of friends were hitched, but nopony had seen Pinkie Pie ever since she had sailed away in her pink airship on a campaign to throw a party in every city on the planet.

Thus, Rainbow Dash was greeted with nothing but news about how "the kids have gotten so big" every time she visited Ponyville. She went to live with the Wonderbolts in Canterlot ever since she got accepted, but with her speed visiting her quaint little hometown wasn't difficult. Twilight, on the other hoof, still lived in Ponyville. She was now visiting Canterlot for the month to do some business directly with the Princesses. Back home, she often found herself just listening to her friends talk about the married life, so she was hoping that her time with Rainbow Dash would provide a different route of conversation.

To both ponies dismay, they constantly found themselves talking about their friend's kids no matter what they did.

At the gardens: "Pippin would get lost so fast here."

At the orchestra: "How are Swansong's piano lessons going? Rarity told me in a letter that she was really into them."

At a fancy restaurant: "Apple Barrel would adore these desserts, and you know Fluttershy would let him have them, too."

After the Wonderbolts show: "Planet Diver and Sunny are always saying they want to be Wonderbolts like me!"

In the restroom: "Jenday tells me she wants to take up the violin."

Every foal reminded them of their friends' foals and every stallion reminded them of their friends' husbands. They couldn't get away from thoughts of relationships, matrimony, pregnancy, and foal raising. They thought it was just in everything around them, but now, sitting in this cafe on Twilight's third day in Canterlot, they realized the problem was internal.

"Uh... Rainbow Dash?"

"Yeah Twilight?" Rainbow Dash rattled the ice around in her empty glass. For some reason, it made her think of her barren womb. Twilight paused a moment to have the exact same thought.

"Tell me honestly... do you ever want what our friends have? You know... a stallion... kids... that kind of stuff?" Twilight asked. Rainbow Dash slouched over and put her chin on the table.

"You too?" the pegasus asked. Twilight pursed her lips and nodded. The mares shared a pitiful sigh. They stared at the table with glossed over eyes. They sulked as only two mares with longing hearts could sulk. The only known remedies for such levels of self pity usually involved gallon tubs of ice cream or cats, two things neither mare had in abundance.

Rainbow Dash shot up and slammed her hoof on the table.

"We don't need stallions or kids! We're two successful mares, right?" Rainbow Dash said. The fire in her tone relighted the confidence within Twilight as well. The unicorn put on a determined scowl and slammed her own hoof on the table.

"Yeah, we're doing well for ourselves! We don't need love to validate our accomplishments! We're doing just fine, right?" Twilight yelled, gaining the attention of everpony in the cafe. The posh ponies stared at the two, fiery mares, but they paid the peanut gallery no mind. "We've gotta pull ourselves out of this deep, blue funk and go live! It's only noon! We should be out on the town!"

"You're absolutely right! We're two free mares with nothing to tie us down! We can do what we want!" Rainbow Dash shouted, getting on top of the table. She offered a hoof to Twilight and hoisted her up too. Ponies walking past the cafe slowed down to take a gander at the passionate display.

"We could go dancing!"

"We could go yachting!"

"We could go flying!"

"We could go jousting!"

"We can do what we want!" Twilight threw a hoof around her best, single friend.

"We can live on the edge!" Rainbow Dash put her own hoof around her super, unwed buddy. The two hopped off the table and galloped off to seize the day.

The two mares had been staring at the Canterlot History Museum's display of what the scene of an earth pony birth might have been like back in the days before Equestria was founded for half an hour. Somewhere between the cafe and the museum, their resolve to seize the day fell deathly ill as they encountered an entire fleet of ponies pushing foal carriages. The resolve actually died when they visited the mural that showed the entire genealogical tree of the royal family. Now they were at their resolve's funeral, mourning in silence.

"Twilight... we are... happy... right?" Rainbow Dash asked her despondent companion.

"Of course we are! We're living our dreams. You're a Wonderbolt and I'm working directly under Princess Celestia as one of her advisers. What more could we want?" Twilight stared at the mannequin of a mare holding her wailing, newborn foal. Rainbow Dash's eyes were locked on the exact same thing. Denial finally became too much for the pair.

"I don't know... somepony to come home to?" Rainbow Dash said, leaning her chin on the railing between her and the display.

"Somepony to walk around town with?" Twilight said, mimicking Rainbow Dash's movement.

"Somepony to bring home to my folks."

"Somepony to fill that empty spot on the bed."

"Who isn't a reptile," Rainbow Dash added.

"True that," Twilight said with a sigh. The two mares walked away from the depressing display. "I hate to say it, but there isn't much I wouldn't give for a coltfriend right now."

"I know how you feel," Rainbow Dash said. The two mares sighed again. They trotted along with their heads hung, missing the exhibits as they floated by. "What is it about us, Twilight? Why haven't we got anypony?"

"If I knew, I would tell you," Twilight said. For the third time that day, the two sighed in unison. "At least we can be single together." Twilight's observation did little to comfort her friend, and it honestly did nothing to comfort herself.

The two mares bumped into something headfirst. They backed up and looked up at the large, wooden display that was blocking their path. Their widened as they saw a semi-familiar visage displayed twice before them.

"Is that... Big Lugnut?" Rainbow Dash asked. The display had two metal stallion heads painted onto it, but their eyes were empty unlike the robot they once knew. Big Lugnut had come a long way since his days of being a machine, so he no longer resembled the ponies painted onto the sign. Twilight read the text on the display aloud.

"Canterlot History Museum is proud to welcome Nil and Null to their new, permanent home after their world tour."

"Nil and Null?" Rainbow Dash peered at her bookish friend. "Who are they?"

"They're the only two iron ponies left. Big Lugnut helped find them in his old resting place and they've been touring in museums around the world ever since," Twilight explained. Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow in response.

"Aren't they bugged by that? You know, being paraded around and shown off as artifacts?" Rainbow Dash's question came from the impression that all iron ponies were like Big Lugnut was: sentient. Twilight told her friend that was not the case with a shake of her head.

"They aren't activated. The last time they were activated they went on a rampage of sorts, so Nil and Null just keep on sleeping. The literature I've read about them says that there isn't a bit of organic life left in them," Twilight explained. Rainbow Dash looked back at the display and cocked her head to the side.

"So... they're just hunks of metal?" she asked. Twilight nodded. At their core, that was all they were. "I want to go see them." Rainbow Dash moved around the display and towards the hallway sectioned off by a red curtain. She poked her head through the side and slipped on in.

"Wait! Rainbow Dash! That's off limits!" Twilight hurried after her, ducking behind the curtain herself. Rainbow Dash had already wandered to the center of the half-built display. There, standing perfectly still on a pedestal, were the two imposing bodies of Nil and Null. The guard rail that would one day discourage curious hooves from reaching out and touching the two stallions lay in an unconstructed heap under the pedestal. "Rainbow Dash! We could get in big, big trouble for this!"

"Oh c'mon, Twilight. You're Princess Celestia's prized pupil and adviser, I'm a Wonderbolt, we know the pony who found these things, and we're both Elements of Harmony. I think they'll cut us some slack if they catch us here." Rainbow Dash went back to looking up at the dormant, iron stallions. Twilight had to admit that her friend had a very good point. The unicorn also had to admit she wanted to see the display for herself since she'd missed it at all the Equestrian locations.

"Alright, but just a quick peek." Twilight cantered over to the display to gaze up at Nil and Null with her friend.

"So, which one is Nil and which one is Null?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Nil is the unicorn and Null is the pegasus."

"Oookay." Rainbow Dash looked up at the hornless and wingless robots. "Once again, which one is which?"

"Nil is the one with the hole in his head and Null is the one with the holes on his sides," Twilight explained. She pointed up at Nil's head with her hoof. Rainbow Dash noted it briefly, but then turned her attention to Null's open sides.

"So he's supposed to be a pegasus? Where are his wings?" she asked.

"He was built with metal wings, but ancient records of his first activation say that the magic inside him destroyed them and replaced them with ones made of pure magic." Twilight looked back up at Nil. "The same thing happened to Nil and his horn."

"Wings made of pure magic? That sounds super awesome!" Rainbow Dash said, spreading her own wings.

"I agree. I can only wonder what having a horn made of pure magic would be like." Twilight continued to look up at Nil while Rainbow Dash stared up at Null. For a while, they stayed like that. Their eyes played over their rigid, metal features and they gazed into their dark, empty eye sockets. After a while, they both started wondering the same thing.

"How did Applejack get past the whole being made of metal thing?" Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight shrugged.

"Love finds a way... or something cheesy like that." Twilight looked over at Rainbow Dash. The pegasus was already looking at her with a hint of mischief glimmering in her eyes. "Rainbow Dash, maybe we should move away from the priceless artifacts before you decide to pull a prank."

"I think we should turn them on," Rainbow Dash said.

"Aaaaand now it's time to go." Twilight turned to leave, but Rainbow Dash grabbed her and spun the unicorn around pointing her right at the two robots.

"Just hear me out, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash said, gesturing to Nil and Null with the hoof that wasn't around Twilight's neck. "These are two robots who will do whatever we tell them to do, right? You said there was almost nothing you wouldn't give for a coltfriend, so why not give a little magic to these two and let them do that job for the day? I mean, it worked out fine with Applejack and Lugnut, right?"

Twilight just stared at Rainbow Dash with wide eyes. She couldn't believe her friend would propose such a ridiculous idea. She told her friend the one, obvious reason why her plan was nothing but crazy talk.

"Nopony is going to believe our coltfriends are robots."

Rainbow Dash hadn't considered that. She had to admit she doubted the prospect that everypony would assume the two stallions were their significant others if they were robots. She wasn't about to give up on what she considered her greatest idea in a while.

"Can't we just... like, put hats on them or something?" Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight rolled her eyes and grunted.

"I don't think putting a hat on anypony ever served as an adequate disguise." That was when Twilight remembered something very important. "I could cast a 'Nothing Unusual Spell' like I did when we followed Spike in that dragon costume."

"Wait, you cast a spell to keep us hidden?" Rainbow Dash asked. "But you said Rarity just made us a great disguise."

"I may have lied. Don't tell her," Twilight said. Rarity had been proud of her "fabulous" dragon costume and Twilight couldn't bear the thought of the disguise failing on her. The "Nothing Unusual Spell" worked by making anypony or anything that saw the item the spell is cast on disregard any glaring abnormalities it might have.

"Mums the word, Twilight! But, you're saying that my plan could work, right?" Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight ran through the risks and rewards of the situation in her head. She narrowed her eyes and smirked.

"Stand back, Rainbow Dash."

Rainbow Dash moved away from Twilight and her targets, biting her lip in anticipation.

Twilight took a deep breath and charged her horn with magic. She reached out and grabbed the pair of stallions by their heads. She concentrated, feeling around their inner workings to get a sense of how to control them. Unlike when she tried to take control of Lugnut, she now had complete freedom to edit and change how the stallions operated. Twilight found the process of fully controlling Nil and Null very simple at it's core. She simply had to inject them with energy and telepathically provide them with a purpose. With her spell fully composed, she fired twin beams of violet energy at the automatons.

Rainbow Dash covered her eyes as the light from her friend's magic became too bright. When she put her hooves down, the first thing she noticed were the stallions' eyes. What once were two empty pits were now filled with violet light. Nil and Null's gears whirred as they stepped off the pedestal.

"Nil, ready for duty," the unicorn droned in his hollow voice as a crackling, purple horn extended from the hole in his head.

"Null, ready for duty," his pegasus counterpart said in the same, unnatural voice as two purple wings extended from his sides. Twilight and Rainbow Dash looked up at them and giggled to themselves.

"Okay, now I just need to cast my 'Nothing Unusual Spell..." Twilight lit up her horn again and let a cloud of her violet magic rise over the robots. The cloud dropped a sparkling haze over Nil and Null before disappearing completely. "There, now no one will notice that they're any different from anypony else."

"Well... I can still tell they're robots," Rainbow Dash said.

"That's because you know they're robots. When we followed Spike you didn't think you were a dragon, did you?" Twilight asked. Rainbow Dash just nodded and continued staring at the active automatons. "Alright, Rainbow Dash. These two should obey basic vocal commands and follow us wherever we go. Nil will act as my coltfriend and Null will act as your coltfriend. Sound good?"

Rainbow Dash looked up at Null. His luminescent eyes focused on an invisible, far away point.

"Uh... say something romantic!" she commanded.

"Something romantic," Null replied. Rainbow Dash looked over at Twilight.

"I never said they were perfect." Twilight trotted away from Nil, who plodded right after her. She made several circuits around the pedestal to make sure her spell was working. Nil never got more than two feet away from her. "Alright, what should we go do?" Twilight asked, coming to a halt next to Rainbow Dash and Null.

"Well... I don't know. What can we do with them that we couldn't do without Nil and Null?" Rainbow Dash and Twilight wracked their brains for a while.

"We could go shopping and make them carry all our stuff," Twilight suggested.

"Or we could go to a really sleazy bar and have them beat up anypony who tries to hit on us!" Rainbow Dash added.

"Rainbow Dash, that doesn't sound fun; it just sounds stressful and dangerous."

"Oh... well, let's just go with your idea then."

Twilight and Rainbow Dash held their heads high as they walked along with their robotic dates. Ponies watched them as they trotted down the street, but the looks on their faces were not the looks of ponies who had just seen two, large robots pass by. Rather, they were the looks of stallions wondering how such dour chaps managed to snag those two beautiful, confident, young mares. The mares stared too, wondering why two high quality mares like Rainbow Dash and Twilight were paired off with such dull partners.

"Look at all those stallions, Twilight! They're totally jealous!" Rainbow Dash whispered into her friend's ear. Twilight beamed and nodded, casting a glance at a cluster of confused stallions walking by. On a normal day, she wouldn't even acknowledge their presence, but today was far from normal. Twilight put her nose high into the air, just like any other Canterlot unicorn would do.

Rainbow Dash was enjoying herself as well. She always saw herself as bright, attractive, and all around awesome, but it was nice to see those things acknowledged on the faces of strangers. Her step had more spring it in as she walked side by side with Null.

The foursome made their way to Hoofington's, Canterlot's premiere shopping establishment. The complex housed department stores for shoes, dresses, bags, capes, hats, plumbing equipment, unitards, hoodies, monocles, suits, coats, suit coats, fabric, pianos, couches, stereos, cellos, bear traps, concrete, paper bags, and a food court. It was the perfect playground for two mares and a mecca for any filly who wanted to force their coltfriend to do hard labor for absolutely zero payout.

As the two mares walked into the building with their escorts, they both thought that surely, this wa the place where dreams came true.

"Alright... now what do we do?" Rainbow Dash asked. The two stallion and mare pairs stood at the entrance in silence for a moment.

"Uh... I guess we think like Rarity." Twilight's suggestion was all either mare needed to figure out how to proceed. The two mares led their robotic dates into the closest store and used them as mobile racks as they tore any dress or any scrap of clothing that caught their eye off the racks. They took their bounty to the dressing rooms once they'd been to every inch of the store. They tried on every article of clothing one by one and made Nil and Null watch. Like good coltfriends, they just stood by patiently and applauded when prompted to.

Neither Twilight nor Rainbow Dash were big on trying on clothes they had no intention of buying, so it only took a couple of rounds for them to grow tired of it. Instead, they began something of a contest to see which of their dates could carry the most stuff. Nil looked like he might be the victor, seeing as he could just levitate his load, but Null pulled off an upset by stacking object after object on his wings. Thanks to Twilight's "Nothing Unusual Spell", ponies regarded the two massive piles of assorted paraphernalia briefly and then went on their way.

"Maybe we should just call it a draw. I don't think I can fly anything else up there." Rainbow Dash stared up at the teetering tower on Null's back. Twilight was also looking up, but at the impressive number of objects Nil was levitating above his head.

"I guess this did get a little out of hoof," the unicorn said, turning to her friend. "This isn't quite as fun as I'd hoped."

"Well... we've only been at this for two hours! There has to be more to this coltfriend thing than we're seeing. What more is there?" Rainbow Dash asked. The two mares scratched their heads and puzzled over their problem for a while. They were so deep in thought, they didn't notice a familiar, pink alicorn approaching from behind.

"Twilight, Rainbow Dash!"

The two mares turned around and were greeted with a warm smile from Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. Instinctively, they reacted by smiling back, but then they remembered who they were with. The two mares forced their smiles to stay up as they whispered to each other through their teeth.

"Is this a good thing or a bad thing?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Just play along!" Twilight broke company to give her sister-in-law a gracious hug. "Cadence! What are you doing here?" Twilight asked.

"Just doing some shopping, but not quite as much as you're doing," Cadence said. She looked up at the twin mountains of items as if it were perfectly normal for one to have to crane their neck to observe everything somepony has purchased. She then turned her attention to the two stallions underneath the mountains. "Impressive work you two." Cadence waited for the stallions to respond, but they just kept staring straight ahead. Their odd behavior made Cadence start to notice a few other things about the two stallions, but Rainbow Dash interrupted her thoughts.

"They're concentrating right now! They're in the zone, you know? It isn't easy to lift all this stuff," she said with a nervous chuckle.

Cadence stood and blinked for a few seconds. For some reason, she couldn't remember what had made the two stallions so suspicious. Everything made perfect sense again.

"Well, aren't you going to introduce me to these gentlecolts?" Cadence asked.

Rainbow Dash and Twilight looked at each other. It was evident from the look on their faces that they weren't one hundred percent sure how they should proceed; however, a series of nods confirmed that neither party was ready to give up on their charade just yet.

"These are our special someponies," Twilight said. She trotted up to Nil and put a hoof around his neck while Rainbow Dash did the same with Null. After a moment of pure shock, a huge smile spread across Cadence's face. Being something of an expert on love, she was ecstatic to see her little sister-in-law and her good friend with their special someponies. Even if there was something ever so slightly off about the stallions they were with, Cadence was happy if they were happy.

"That's absolutely wonderful! Oh... OH, you just have to come have dinner with me and Shiny tonight! And, and bring your friends here too, I mean, of course you would because they're your, well, you know! Oh, this is so exciting!" Cadence was bounding up and down, much like another pink pony Twilight and Rainbow Dash knew.

"Dinner sounds lovely, doesn't it boys?" Twilight asked Nil and Null.

"Agreed," droned Nil.

"Affirmative," Null added.

Cadence found nothing unusual about their utter lack of intonation.

"Great! Then we'll see you around seven! I've got to go and prepare, so you four can just keep on keeping on," Cadence said, turning to leave and giving the group a wave good-bye. She gave one last glance back at Nil and Null. Now that she looked a bit closer, she started to think they were both kind of cute. Cadence was not at all surprised that Twilight and her friend could nab such excellent catches.

Once Cadence was out of sight, Twilight and Rainbow Dash turned to each other with smug grins plastered across their faces.

"This is something, isn't it? Going to a dinner with your very special someponies, right? This should be fun," Twilight said. Rainbow Dash nodded in agreement and the two slapped hooves in victory. "Now what should we do until seven?" Twilight looked up at the hoard of unpurchased merchandise Nil and Null were still in possession of. She looked back at Rainbow Dash, who Twilight could tell by the look on her face had the same thought she did.

"We should probably put all this stuff back."

Twilight knocked on the door to Cadence and Shining Armor's house. She and Rainbow Dash had arrived a little early due to their inability to find anything else to do. After putting most of Hoofington's stock back in place, they'd done a little preparing for their dinner date. Both mares had donned modest dresses, despite how much Rainbow Dash abhorred them. Twilight put her mane up into a bun while Rainbow Dash opted for a simple braid. Their appearances were not over the top, but their they did betray their inner bookworm and athlete.

"Do you think we should have prepped Nil and Null a little more?" Twilight asked her friend while they waited for the door to open. Both mares looked back at the two robots. They appeared as they always did, except for the bow-ties they were sporting: Nil's was purple and Null's was blue in order to match their dates' dresses.

"Nah, they're fine," Rainbow Dash said, assuring her friend before the doors in front of them opened. It was not Cadence who answered, but instead her husband, Shining Armor, who greeted them warmly. The first thing he saw was the two stallions standing behind his baby sister and her friend. He resisted every urge to protect her from the strange, daunting stallion and put on his best, fake smile.

"Well, I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself. Cadence wasn't spinning a tale when she told me you snagged yourself a colt," he said. He approached Nil and extended his hoof. "Hi, I'm Shining Armor, Twilight's brother. It's nice to meet you."

Nil made no move to shake Shining's hoof. Twilight feigned a cough to hide a verbal command to shake hooves with her brother inside it. Nil's foreleg shot out and he wrapped his hoof around Shining Armor's. The robot dominated the hoofshake as Shining Armor found himself struggling in vain to slow him down. Twilight coughed again, ordering Nil to stop before he tore Shining Armor's leg off. After Nil let go, Shining Armor just stared at his empty hoof.

"Uh, hey... are you alright?" Rainbow Dash asked after seeing the distant expression on the stallion's face. Shining Armor shook it off and threw on a strained smile.

"Uh, yeah, great! You all should, uh, come inside. Cadence is still preparing dinner, so you can just relax in the parlor until everypony else arrives," he said. Shining Armor stepped aside and gestured his guests inside. He watched as Nil and Null allowed their dates to pass over the threshold before entering themselves. After Null passed by, Shining put out a hoof to stop Nil so he could have a word with him. Nil walked right into Shining's hoof and shouldered past without so much as flinching. Shining Armor lingered by the door a moment longer while he contemplated how he was overpowered twice in a row.

"You're expecting more guests?" Twilight asked her brother. Shining Armor snapped out of his brooding and shut the front door. "Who else is coming?"

"Just a few other ponies who were excited to hear you got a coltfriend, Twily," Shining Armor said, walking past his guests and ushering them into the sitting room. Twilight and Rainbow Dash took seats on the couch while Nil and Null stood by at their sides.

"Wow, exactly how many ponies did Cadence tell?" Twilight asked.

"Well, she told everypony she met," Shining Armor said, laughing at the memory of how excited Cadence had been to deliver the news. "Anyway, it's just Mom, Dad, and Princess Celestia who are coming."

Twilight Sparkle's heart stopped beating for an entire three seconds.

"Well, I'm going to see how Cadence is doing. You kids sit tight," Shining Armor said as he slipped into the kitchen. After fully entering the kitchen, he turned about and stuck his head back in the room. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" he added, looking specifically at the automaton unicorn. Nil's expression remained unchanged; he didn't even blink. Shining Armor slunk back through the kitchen door, wondering just where this stallion got all his guts.

It was right after Shining Armor left that Rainbow Dash noticed the look on Twilight's face. At first, she thought that maybe the unicorn was going to throw up, but then she wondered if Twilight had thrown up but she'd just missed it. Whether or not she had already thrown up, Twilight looked like she was about to set her lunch free.

"Hey... Twilight, do you need a trash can or something?" Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight's eyes went wide. She grabbed her friend by the shoulders and stared at her face.

"We have to turn them off!" she said. Rainbow Dash pushed her friend away from her and furrowed her brow.

"You mean turn Nil and Null off? Why, what's wrong?"

"I can't have a phony special somepony in front of Celestia!" Twilight explained, grabbing Rainbow Dash again and shaking her. Rainbow Dash extended her hooves and shoved Twilight onto her back.

"Calm down!" Rainbow Dash grabbed Twilight's head between her hooves and forced her to make direct eye contact. She waited for Twilight to take a few calming breaths before releasing her. "Now, explain yourself." She allowed Twilight to sit back up and explain calmly.

"My brother said that Princess Celestia is coming. I can't parade a fake coltfriend in front of her!"

Rainbow Dash deadpanned.

"But you're perfectly fine doing that in front of Cadence, your brother, and everyone else in Canterlot?" she asked. Twilight nodded furiously. Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and sighed. When it came to Twilight and her dealings with Princess Celestia, it was her way or the highway (unless Princess Celestia said otherwise). "Fine, we can turn them off."

"R-really? You're okay with that?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah, it's fine," Rainbow Dash said. "We can just say they're tired and went to sleep or something, and to be honest I'm not too keen on keeping this charade up in front of the Princess either."

"Great! I'll just switch them off and we can be done with it!" Twilight and Rainbow Dash got up from the couch so Nil and Null could flop down on it so they could pretend to be sleeping. Rainbow Dash watched as Twilight probed the automatons with her magic. The air was thick with magical tension. Nothing moved and nothing changed, and after about two solid minutes of nothing moving or changing Rainbow Dash decided to speak up.

"Uh, Twilight... everything okay?"

Twilight switched off her magic and looked over at her friend. She looked more than just mildly concerned.

"They don't... turn off," Twilight explained. Rainbow Dash didn't claim to be an expert on magic, but she didn't understand how such a thing was even possible.

"They have to turn off! They were off when we found them! You put the magic in there, can't you pull it out?" Rainbow Dash asked, but Twilight shook her head. If Twilight had a book about the subject on hoof, this would be there part where she would pull it out and tell Rainbow Dash what it said.

"From what I know about these two, they should just run out of magic eventually, but judging from how much magic I initially put in and how much they still have in them I predict they won't shut themselves down until tomorrow morning," Twilight said. Both mares turned and stared at the two robots splayed out on the couch.

"Hello everypony!" Cadence's greeting nearly scared Twilight and Rainbow Dash out of their hides. Cadence smiled at the mares, but then looked over at the two, stone faced stallions reclining on her sofa. "Are they... alright?"

"Oh... yes!" Twilight said, walking over to Nil and patting him on the belly. Each time her hoof struck the metal surface, a hollow clang could be heard. Thanks to Twilight's spell, Cadence didn't find anything wrong with this.

"Yeah, they're just tired from carrying all that stuff we made them carry," Rainbow Dash added, but she had trouble keeping the nervous edge out of her voice. "They're more tired than they are hungry, so they're thinking about sleeping to take care of that instead of doing the eating thing... with all of us and the Princess."

"Oh dear," Cadence said, bringing a concerned hoof to her mouth. Her eyes drifted to the side as some wheels began turning in her head. With a smile and a triumphant stomp of her hoof, she approached the stallions with her horn aglow. "I know a fantastic rejuvenation spell! They'll be ready and rearin' to go before you know it!"

"No!" both the young mares exclaimed in unison, surprising their gracious host.

"W-why not?" Cadence asked, a little weirded out by the pair's sudden outburst.

"Well... it's just that," Twilight began, searching for a viable reason in her brilliant brain. "We wouldn't want to put you out like that! You've just go so much to do: what with the dinner and everything."

"It's... really not a big deal at all," Cadence said, but neither mare was interested in hearing the other side of the argument. Rainbow Dash swooped over and started leading Cadence back towards the kitchen.

"No, no, don't worry about us! We'll be just fine. All four of us will. You just focus on getting ready for dinner and the Princess. It's not every night you eat with a Princess!" Rainbow Dash said, opening the door to the kitchen for Cadence and then pushing her in.

"B-but I am a Princess," Cadence managed to say before Rainbow Dash slammed the door in her face. The pegasus then rushed back to her friend who was still puzzling over what to do.

"Okay, what're we gonna do? How in Equestria are we going to switch them off?" Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight thought a moment more when she lit up with a sudden idea. She looked around the room, tearing drawers open to see if they contained what she was looking for. Rainbow Dash just watched as Twilight procured a quill, an inkwell, and a roll of paper. "Twilight, now is not the time to write a report to Princess Celestia!"

"I'm not writing to the Princess," Twilight explained. "I'm writing to Big Lugnut! He first encountered them in the ruins when they were last activated, so he must know how to shut them off!"

"Okay... that might work," Rainbow Dash said. "How are you going to do that though? He could be doing anything anywhere in Ponyville right now!"

"That's where you're wrong, my dear Rainbow Dash." Twilight finished off the letter with a flourish and rolled it up into a neat cylinder. "The Apples are like clockwork, so they're all sitting down to eat right now. I left Spike with them for the time I'm in Canterlot, so this letter should get to him post-haste!" With that, Twilight zapped her plea for help with a bolt of magic. The letter disintegrated into a could of ash and violet energy before zipping away and out of the house through an open window.

"I hope Spike doesn't skip dinner," Rainbow Dash said as she watched their last hope disappeared from sight.

"There's no way he'd skip dinner, not in the Apple house," Twilight assured her. "There's always homemade food, a warm atmosphere, and pleasant conversation. Why, I can picture just how it's all happening right now..."

"Lugnut! Git yer goshdern keister down here right this instant!"

"Quit your yelling already! I'm coming!"

Spike sat at the Apple's kitchen table and twiddled his thumbs. His past few days spent on Sweet Apple Acres had taught him several new and interesting things. One of those things is that nopony who values their life should try to say anything when Applejack and Big Lugnut argue. One is hormonal, the other is kind of dumb, and both parties are strong enough to buck a tree in two. Dinnertime is home to some of the more heated battles between the husband and wife, so of course dinnertime usually turns out to be an exercise in complete silence.

Everypony was present at the table, except for Lugnut and Pippin. Granny Smith, Fluttershy, Big Macintosh, and the rotund Apple Barrel sat with strained expressions while Applejack called into the hall. Applebloom stood by too, trying to keep a fussy, little Tinker from bawling. With all the yelling back and forth, Applebloom's was a difficult task.

"Hurry it up!" Applejack shouted. She turned the best she could and waddled back towards her seat at the end of the table. For somepony who was due to pop out another foal at the drop of her hat, she got around quite well. Fluttershy, on the other hoof, had to be escorted wherever she went, but being beautifully beleaguered in the belly she barely left the barnhouse's bed. It would take more that something as trivial as being pregnant to keep Applejack from going where she wanted.

"I'm here, I'm here! Just calm down, would you?" Lugnut stomped into the kitchen and dropped his rear end into his seat opposite from Applejack.

"Where's Pippin? I told you to get Pippin!" Applejack said, rapping a hoof against the table. Lugnut furrowed his brow and blew hot air out his nostrils, which was a universal sign that he was not happy.

"You told me to come back before I found her!" Lugnut replied.

"I told y'all to find her! Why didn't y'all do what I said?" Applejack asked, putting her front hooves on the table and rising up to her full height. Lugnut responded by slamming his own hooves on the table, an action that made everything on the table jump a good foot into the air before landing neatly back where it was with a collective bang.

"I did do what you said! You told me to come back, so I did! If you wanted me to find Pippin, you should've just let me do that!" Lugnut responded. Everypony at the table was doing their best to pretend the back and forth yelling wasn't happening, but little Tinker couldn't bear anymore. He began crying aloud, adding to the tension of the situation. Applebloom lifted him out of his high chair. She cradled the little colt close and shushed him, but her efforts were in vain against the continuing battle between Applejack and Lugnut.

"Now look what you went 'n did with all yer yellin'!" Applejack got her hooves off the table, but didn't get back into her seat. Instead, she left the table and started heading for the front door.

"Now, where do you think you're going?" Lugnut asked as he left the table to bar her way, which wasn't too hard since he could move much faster than his bloated spouse. "I'll go find Pippin! You're in no shape to be running around looking for her!"

"Well, since Ah obviously can't depend on you to get it done, Ah guess I'll have to!"

The two went back and forth out in the hallway for a few more minutes. While they were away, a little green filly trotted in through the back door. Without so much as a word to the other ponies at the table, she got up on her chair and began piling her plate with food. All the while, she hummed a merry little tune to herself.

"Uhm... Pippin, you do know your mother and father are looking for you, right?" Fluttershy asked. Pippin looked up with wide eyes, as if she'd just noticed there was even anypony else in the room. She blinked at her aunt once before returning to the task before her.

"I heard Ma 'n Pa hollerin' back 'n forth 'n what-have-y'all. I figured that meant it wuz tahme fer vittles, so I shimmied on down the tree outside mah winder 'n waited fer them to turn their backs. Ah'm hungry 'n all, but it just don't make a lick ah sense tuh me tuh stick 'round 'n git leck-toured er whipped. Ah'm just gonna take these here vittles an eat 'em up in mah room. If'n Ma asks whar I am, tell her I'm in the clubhouse cuz I know she'll high-tail it out there 'n it'll take 'er fer'ever. If'n Pa asks whar I am, I reckon y'all kin just tell him the truth." Pippin took her loaded plate into her mouth and headed for the stairs. "Grnight yrll!" she called back before disappearing. Mere moments after she'd disappeared, the whole house shuddered as the front door slammed. Lugnut stomped back to the table and planted himself back in his chair. Everypony at the table assumed the absence of Applejack meant that Lugnut had failed to convince her leaving to find their daughter was a bad idea.

"Well... I guess we're waiting," he said in a low grumble. Nopony at the table was sure whether or not they should tell him about what had transpired while he was away, but they became distracted when Spike suddenly belched a tongue of green flame. Out of the residual smoke dropped a neatly folded scroll. It fell on Lugnut's empty plate and rolled open.

"Is that a letter from Twilight?" Fluttershy asked, leaning over to get a look at it for herself.

"Yeah, but it's addressed to me," Lugnut said. He squinted down at the letter and read it aloud.

Dear Big Lugnut,

I apologize for interrupting during dinnertime, but Rainbow Dash and I really need your help. Time is of the essence, so I don't want to go into too much detail in this letter. The long and short of it is this: we need to know how to turn off Nil and Null. If you could respond A.S.A.P., we would be in your debt forever.

Desperately,

Twilight Sparkle

"Now why would Twilight need to know somethin' like that?" Applebloom asked, still rocking a much calmer Tinker in her hooves. Lugnut got up and procured the necessaries for writing a letter from a drawer in the next room.

"I'm no genius, but my guess would be she needs to turn Nil and Null off. Those two are nothing but trouble," Lugnut said. He dipped his quill in some ink and began penning some very basic instructions for Twilight. When he finished, he presented the letter to Spike. The dragon didn't take it immediately. He looked up at Lugnut and voiced his concern.

"I don't think Twilight would be dumb enough to turn on those things. I read that book Twilight had on them-"

"The one I helped write?" Lugnut said. The word "helped" was operative, seeing how the book was kind of about him and what he used to be. Lugnut put the letter into Spike's claws. The dragon rolled his eyes, but he sent off the letter in another tongue of flame anyway.

"I guess, yeah, but the point is that she knows how dangerous they are. She wouldn't turn them on without a perfectly good reason."

"Are... you sure they're okay?" Cadence asked. The Princess had returned from the kitchen right after Twilight sent the message off and began asking about Nil and Null again. She was beginning to find it extremely odd that the two ponies were just sprawled out on her couch with such stern expressions on their faces as they stared off into space.

"They've never been better!" Rainbow Dash assured the Princess, barring her from getting too close to the two stallions.

"I'll believe when I can hear it from them," Cadence replied.

"They can't!" Twilight countered, but her response earned her a suspicious gaze from Cadence. Twilight pondered an explanation for why their dates couldn't confirm their physical well-being. "They're trying to sleep!"

Cadence leaned around Rainbow Dash and got a good look at the two stallion's unchanging faces.

"... I think they're trying too hard." Before Cadence could pry any further, there was a knock at the door. Her curiosity about the two stallions kept her in the sitting room, but Shining Armor exited the kitchen and began crossing towards the door.

"Cadence, that's probably the Princess and my folks. Are you coming?" he asked his wife as he urged her on with a hoof. With her focus shifting between Nil and Null and the door, Twilight's "Nothing Unusual Spell" began curbing her suspicions behind the scenes.

"Uh, yes... yes, let's go," she said. She walked with her husband towards her front door, but cast one last look towards the two stallions on her couch on the way out. She couldn't remember what she found unusual about them, and that in itself seemed strange to her.

Back in the sitting room, Twilight and Rainbow Dash heaved a collective sigh, but they tensed back up when they realized they had just run out of time with the arrival of the Princess.

"This is it! Oh please, Lugnut, help us!" Twilight said, putting her hooves together and raising them towards heaven. In answer to her prayers, a scroll appeared before her in a burst of green flames. She grabbed it in her telekinesis and read the two lines scrawled on the paper.

Make Nil zap Null. It worked for me.

Twilight crumpled up the note and tossed it behind her before rushing over to Nil and Null.

"What did it say, what did it say?" Rainbow Dash asked. She leaned over and stole a look into the hall leading to the front door. Sure enough, Princess Celestia was standing there with Twilight's parents. The group was still exchanging greetings with Shining Armor and Cadence, but it was clear there wasn't much time left. "You know what, you don't need to tell me. Just do whatever it says!"

Twilight didn't need to be told twice. She blasted Nil with a bolt of magic that contained her command. Nil, in turn, let a purple bolt of energy fly out and hit Null. Null's body began rattling, sparking, and droning out nonsense. Energy exited his own body and went into Nil, which caused Nil to start acting just like Null. Twilight and Rainbow Dash backed off from the two of them, fearing the worst possible outcome.

Nil and Null ceased all activity. The two mares noted that the two had returned to their wingless, hornless, and empty eyed state. Thinking fast, Rainbow Dash grabbed a blanket draped over a nearby chair and threw it over the two robots. She made sure to cover Nil's hornless head and Null's wingless body, and she did it just in time.

"Twily, Ms. Dash, you can come to the dining room for dinner now," Shining Armor said as he poked his head inside the sitting room. "Are your dates coming?" Rainbow Dash and Twilight's eyes darted back and forth between their deactivated dates and Shining Armor.

"No... they're tired and fell asleep," Twilight said without any inflection. She and Rainbow Dash waited for Shining Armor to speak. They waited a painful, full, two seconds for him to say something.

"That's too bad. Well, you two should still come along," he said before exiting back into the hall. Once he was gone, Twilight and Rainbow Dash just kept staring at where he had been. They bumped hooves without looking at one another.

"That was too close," Twilight said.

"Yeah... this... wasn't a good idea at all," Rainbow Dash said, confessing their initial plan's innate insanity.

"Agreed. I don't think I'll be looking for a good colt for a while to come now," Twilight added.

"I hear you. This dating thing is too complicated." Rainbow Dash moved around the table and out into the hallway, closely followed by Twilight Sparkle. They left Nil and Null laying on the couch alone and undisturbed. The room was peaceful and silent, and with the blanket over them it was just as if they were sleeping like anypony else. Thanks to Twilight's persistent "Nothing Unusual Spell", that is exactly what Cadence thought was going on when she entered the room on her way to the kitchen. She took one look at Null's sleeping face and tutted.

"I know Twilight wouldn't want me to... but it just isn't right for you two to sit this out. You're their coltfriends for goodness's sake." Cadence's horn lit up a light blue as she composed her rejuvenation spell. The spell jumped from her horn in two, graceful and flowing arcs of energy. The two beams landed on Nil and Null, the effects of which made them glow with a pale, blue aura. "And you'll be excellent coltfriends! That's what you've got to do. You've got to be good to them, listen carefully to what they say, do what's best for your relationship, and above all love them. Love, love, love, love, love them! If you're not sure what to do, never be afraid to ask for help. When it comes to romance, everypony is your friend and ally.

"Oh, and don't be the kind of coltfriends that just bend over and do whatever your marefriends say. You've got to make some of your own decisions. You're ponies too and you need to make them respect that. It's like I said; do what's best for the both of you. It's a two pony thing, not a one pony thing. It'll only work if you're trying your hardest to arrive at some common good. Now what could be better than living together in harmony? I know they'll be difficult at times, but just keep keeping on. I don't know much about you two, but if you've gotten this far you've got potential! Love Twilight Sparkle... uh... Twilight's special somepony, and you love Rainbow Dash... Rainbow Dash's coltfriend." Cadence cut her spell off and trotted towards the kitchen. Neither stallion moved, but their bodies continued to pulsate light blue. "Ah, sorry for running my mouth. Love is sort of my area of expertise and I just get so worked up. I'm sure you didn't need to hear all that, but I just want to make sure you make those mares happy. Now go out there and get to work! Everything will work out fine," Cadence said with a laugh. She was all the way into the kitchen when something stirred on the couch.

With blue lights in their eye sockets, Nil and Null sat back up on the couch. Nil's horn extended and Null's wings grew from his sides.

"Nil, ready for duty."

"Null, ready for duty."

"New directive initiated."

"Initializing prime function."

The two robots rotated their heads to look at one another. After a few seconds of doing that, they faced forward and started looking around the room. Nil levitated various pieces of furniture and inspected the areas under them while Null flew about the room and peered around every nook and cranny.

"Error: cannot acquire desired target Twilight Sparkle," Nil droned. He levitated the couch with his magic and made one last check to see if she was located beneath it. The test returned negative results. "Function 'Love' cannot initiate until target is present." Null flew down from the ceiling and landed beside his metal brother.

"Null cannot locate target Rainbow Dash. Query: how should this unit proceed?" Null and Nil just stood around for a moment, thinking. "Suggestion: expand search area."

"Affirmative, expanding search area," Nil said. Nil wandered over to the open window, but was stopped when Null landed before him.

"Requesting cooperative action with Nil," Null said, extending a forehoof to Nil.

"Affirmative." Nil reached with his own forehoof and touched it to Null's. "Commencing cooperative search program. Nil will search areas on the ground and Null will attempt to locate Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash from the air."

"Program accepted. Initiating." Null flapped his wings once and took off through the open window. The window was only open a crack, so the pane flew right off the hinges as he smashed through it. Nil's exit was much more graceful as he simply used his magic to neatly dislodge the window's glass. The pane fell outward, allowing Nil to step out unimpeded into the night.

With the two stallions gone, the sitting room was silent once again.

Author's Note

This series is and will be edited by CompleteIndifference.