Discord couldn’t help but laugh. He’d won! Celestia and Luna were nowhere near to be seen, the wielders of the Elements had been corrupted, but this was the moment where he could declare victory! Defeating the will of Celestia’s prize pupil had been the real challenge, and there were moments where even he doubted her vulnerability to the forces of chaos. He laughed again. He should have known better than to doubt himself.
He watched Twilight Sparkle walk dejectedly back to her library, her gaudy and powerless tiara the only trace of color left on the unicorn. He’d have almost felt sorry for her...
“...if she wasn’t so boring!” Discord snapped his fingers, and the door to Sugarcube Corner melted away. All this brinksmanship between him and Twilight had made him rather peckish. “What do you have that’s good, Pinkie, my dear?” he called out to the gray mass scowling next to the oven.
“It’s all terrible! I hate baked goods!” The former party pony blew a raspberry and theatrically turned her back on the draconequus.
Discord scrunched up his face. Not exactly the best advice. He did feel bad about Pinkie Pie. Aside from carrying the intoxicating Element of Laughter, she also had possessed a real appreciation for the absurd that was unseen in most of Equestria. Taking away her smiles and revelry had been the one downside of the job. “Oh well,” he sighed. “Business is business.” He surveyed the bakery for any treats that might have escaped the grouchy pony’s wrath, but somehow he felt less interested in anything sweet.
Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a brown box underneath one of the counters. He pushed aside the boxes of extra frosting and nonpareils to expose a big word, written in curvy letters: biscotti. “What’s this?” With a flick of his lion paw, he produced a sharp claw, which he used to slice open the top. Inside were what looked like biscuits, individually wrapped. Some were dark brown, the color of chocolate. Others were lighter, almost golden. All were dotted with almonds. Discord smiled. “I think we have a winner.”
As he floated through the Everfree Forest, enjoying his much-needed snack break, he thought about his reign prior to the interference by the royal alicorns. Had he been fat? Presumably the stone had preserved him as he was when he was imprisoned, so he guessed not. But if he was going to spend the next thousand years stuffing chocolate biscuits into his face (SO GOOD) he might want to consider walking more.
His thoughts were interrupted as he came across a roaring river. He looked at it for a moment, and felt himself getting angry. At first, he was confused. Why did something as mundane as a river eat at him the way it was? Then, it dawned on him: because it was mundane. Because it was boring. Because it was typical.
Discord groaned. “What could be more dull than a river filled with water?” He unwrapped a hazelnut biscotti and chewed on it thoughtfully. He’d already done pudding, chocolate milk, soap, cola...he needed something different. He ran a talon through his beard, and suddenly, an idea sprang into his mind. He grinned impishly, and with a snap of his fingers, the river changed.
At first, the change was almost imperceptible, the blue becoming only slightly more vivid, and perhaps a little more cloudy. But on closer examination, somepony would notice that what was once rapidly spilling waves now oozed and flowed in a large gelatinous mass. Discord reached into the water with his non-biscotti hand and picked up a large glob of the river, and worked it into his beard. With some quick work of his talons, he shaped it into a crude lightning bolt, and when he brought his hand away, the beard stayed in place. “Delightful!” he cackled, entertained by his successful, and dare he say, rather fashionable handiwork.
“Simply fabulous!” came another voice, out of nowhere, and before Discord had the chance to look around, he was facing a giant purple sea serpent. The creature was happily humming as he worked handfuls of the gel into his large orange coiffure. Discord blinked, as the serpent then moved on to working twirls into the ends of his beloved mustache. After several minutes of preening, the serpent shook his hands off with a flourish and commenced to strike several poses, meant to emphasize his hairstyle. One of them involved the serpent half-closing his eyes and pursing his lips, giving him an expression that rather reminded Discord of a duck.
Discord wanted to say something, but no matter how hard he thought, his mind was a blank slate. The chaos he caused was one thing. Taking something that makes sense and introducing absurdity into it was his bread and butter. It was what he thrived on. But this was a little too much, even for him. He took another bite of his biscotti, almost mechanically, and chewed, staring at the serpent and trying to process what he was seeing.
Perhaps it was the loud crunch of the dry cookie, but the serpent finally turned and noticed the draconequus. “Are you responsible for this fabulosity?”
Discord nodded and chewed.
“OH HO HO HO!” the serpent laughed with delight and clapped his hands together. “I cannot begin to thank you enough! I know that the water is my home, but sometimes there can be so much dirt in it, and it just does terrible things to my hair! Half the time I wake up in the morning, it takes me forever to get any sort of lift! But not anymore, thanks to you, you marvelous creature! May I be so bold as to ask for your name?”
“...Discord.”
“A pleasure to meet you, Discord! I go by the name of Stephen Magnet, though my friends simply call me Stephen.” The serpent performed a theatrical bow, but Discord found himself confused by the odd-sounding name.
“Magnet? How does that work?”
“Rather a miracle, you might say! I was looking for a name, and these ponies came along, and I guess they misheard something I said, and Stephen Magnet was the result. But enough about me! Do you always use your powers to elevate the cause of high fashion?”
Discord shook his head. “My game is disorder. I just like to see everypony’s lives spiced up a bit. Most of them don’t seem to appreciate it as much as you.” He couldn’t be sure, but it seemed like Stephen blushed at this statement.
“Well, those ponies simply don’t know what they’re missing.” The small dark pupils wandered up and down the oddly-assembled creature’s body, and Discord couldn’t help but feel a little like blushing himself. He nervously swallowed, tasting more hazelnut. Stephen noticed and pointed to the stump of the biscotti. “What is that?”
A little relieved the conversation had taken on a less stressful tone, Discord held out what was left. “This is a biscotti. I just found them today.”
“How are they?”
“They’re dry, kind of like a biscuit, but a lot sweeter. I’m becoming quite the fan, actually.”
The serpent raised one of his bright orange eyebrows. “Mind if I try it?”
Discord nodded and was about to fish another out of the box he had set down on the shore, when he saw Stephen move forward. Before he could say anything, Stephen’s long tongue had come out and wrapped around the remainder of the biscotti. He pulled it into his mouth slowly, and Discord couldn’t help but shudder as the warm tongue passed over his palm and fingers. The serpent chewed slowly, and his smile grew as he took in the flavor. But there was something in his smile. Something mischevious.
“I think I missed some crumbs.”
Discord took a deep breath, and nodded. “I think you did.”
Stephen’s mouth came forward again, but this time, he took one of the fingers on Discord’s lion paw into his mouth, and began to delicately suckle on it. Discord felt his breath quickening, and he wondered if converting the river to hair gel might have had an effect on the humidity. Why else would he be feeling so warm all of a sudden? Stephen switched to another finger, this time looking up at the draconequus with a hopeful look.
When Stephen released Discord’s hand, the latter’s head was swimming. He was out of breath, he felt shaky all over, and somehow it seemed that Stephen had shrunk down so that the two were an equal size? He had never known this sort of confusion. Was this how the ponies felt when he unleashed the full extent of his chaos upon them?
He felt his anxiety subside as Stephen took his hands into his own. “You’re shaking,” the serpent said softly.
“This is...” Discord hesitated. “... strange to me.”
Stephen looked with a concerned expression. “Is it bad?”
He shook his head. “No. Just... different.”
Stephen smiled. “Different is okay. You of all ponies should understand that.” He leaned forward, and at the halfway point, he was met by Discord. The kiss held them tight, and as Discord felt the stress melt away, Stephen coiled a length of his body around the pair. With a slight flex, he tightened, and the coil pushed Discord’s body into his, and their arms wrapped around each other.
Within moments, the rest of the world was out of mind. Equestria was in chaos, but in that small patch of the Everfree Forest, nothing made more sense to either of them.
It wasn’t long before things returned to normal. They always did. Princess Celestia’s faithful student and her friends were always there, always committed to restoring the status quo. Everypony was happy that order had been restored. Discord was back in the Canterlot sculpture garden, in a new, more pained gesture. And he would remain there for eternity.
But late one night, a shadowy figure stole away into the garden when nopony was looking. It had been a long journey for him, as he was unused to spending so much time on land, but he still had to see for himself.
“Look at you,” he whispered, looking up at the stone form. “They made you look hideous.”
Stephen sighed. With a sad shake of his head, he reached into his scales and pulled out a small object. He laid it on the ground, and closed his eyes in silent meditation.
The next morning, long after the serpent had gone, the caretaker made his rounds through the garden. There was rarely any complicated upkeep aside from some trimming of hedges, due to the visiting ponies usually being very respectful on the palace grounds. But today, he found some litter. In front of the statue of that weird creature who had terrorized the kingdom recently, there was a little wrapped cookie of some sort.
The caretaker opened up the wrapper and took a sniff. It smelled alright, but you never could tell if some creep was trying to poison somepony. He threw it over his shoulder, where it landed in the pile of excess brush, waiting to be burned.
