The Derpy Apocalypse

by FallingTeapots

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy, Random
Length: 2225

Derpy's bad spelling has mutated into a disease, that is quickly spreading around Equestria..

Cancelled, because I'm bored of writing this

NOTICE: Has some very strong language.

Derpy Hooves. We all know her. The godawful speller, the elementary school dropout. Except this time, her punctuation and grammar problems have gone out of control, and have mutated into an apocalyptic disease. How does it spread? Well.. It goes a bit like the human's myths about the "Zombies". But without all the gore and grossness. "HerpDerp" (the disease) is spread easily, and can be transformed into gas, solid, or a liquid state. If Derpy's saliva even comes an inch close to you, you might as well forget being an English teacher at Canterlot.

- Main Character is Dashie.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-23 04:33:13 UTC

Barricade

"GODDAMNIT RAINBOW DASH! BARRICADE THE WINDOWS!! THEY'RE BREAKING IN!!"

Ever since The Derpy Apocalypse, Twilight Sparkle had transformed from a lecturing librarian to a stone cold badass. Are you unfamiliar with The Derpy Apocalypse? Well, it went a little bit like this:

"derp derp derp im a derpy hewvs derp derp" Derpy Hooves waddled down the stone path to the park. A unicorn with a light purple mane, a blue coat, and plant-like green eyes stared at her with confusion. Suddenly, as soon as the horned pony set eyes on the gray pegasus, the unicorn's body had reconstructed itself into an exact copy of Derpy Hooves.

And that's how it all started. Everyone who laid their eyes on anypony who had been converted into a Derpy Hooves instantly molded into the winged pony. Twilight Sparkle had been the first to notice this, and produced six pairs of eyewear that the Derpys couldn't break and reproduce more Derpys. Unfortunately losing Spike to the horde of pegasi, Twilight teleported all of her friends to the abandoned warehouse at the outskirts of Ponyville.

ANYWAYS, back to the present..

The Derpys had discovered the ponies' safehouse, and were making an insane attempt to break in. The stone-colored swarm of pegasi burst in through the windows by the thousands. Twilight Sparkle was barking commands at the rest of the six. Rainbow Dash swiftly but surely thrusted all the pegasi out the window onto the hard concrete belonging to the deserted and destroyed ruins of Ponyville. Rarity telekinetically threw steel plates onto the windows and drilled them in.

"Thank Celestia.. I.. th-thought they were going t-to get in that time.." Fluttershy mumbled.

"Fluttershy, now's no time for celebration," Twilight Sparkle spat. "We still need to board up all the rest of the windows. We're running out of logs, and right now is not the time for sitting around and being useless."

Rainbow Dash, tired of Twilight Sparkle and how important she thought she was, decided to take a stand for Fluttershy.

"Twilight, stop being so cold all the time. You're making Fluttershy feel bad. I mean, yeah, I understand its the freakin'  apoca... whatever, but you don't need to be a bitch all the time!"

Before the purple unicorn could respond, an earth pony farmer joined in. "Yeah, Twilight. Ya' need to take a break. Ya' ain't gonna' fend off the Derpys with all of your screamin'."

Twilight grunted and stormed into the back room.

Thumping from the main warehouse doors arose and worried a pink pony.

"Oh no! Oh no! Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, RARITY! Run! They're coming!!" Pinkie Pie spluttered.

"Pinkie, they're not going to come in. Rarity barricaded it over a week ago. Stop worrying.." Rainbow sighed.

But Rainbow Dash knew there wouldn't be a stop to anypony's worrying.

Meanwhile, in the backroom, a horned pony sat on a crate of beets, pouting.

"Stupid.. Rainbow Dash.. Ungrateful WHORES!"

Twilight knew she couldn't be mad forever. She decided she'd stop acting like a filly.. in 5 minutes.

5 minutes later, Twilight trotted out of the door and decided to make a quick apology to everypony.

"I'm sorry. Now let's eat, because I'm hungry, bored, and mad."

Tonight's dinner: Ketchup and cat food soup. Delicious!

After throwing up her supper, Applejack wondered if Big Macintosh, Applebloom, or Granny Smith were still out there, and okay. Thinking for a little while, she grimly settled on a thought: They're fucked.

The next morning..

Rainbow Dash galloped over to Twilight's room and knocked with her hoof a couple times. Slowly, the door creaked open. Rainbow walked in, and Twilight greeted her with a sigh of grief.

"Twilight, I think we need to go out and scavenge. I know it's ridiculously risky, but I'm not eating ketchup soup anymore. I know there's still some food left that actually doesn't taste like something died. Seriously. That was gross."

Twilight Sparkle snorted. "Please. I think I know how to handle my group. Go back to your room, Rainbow."

Rainbow Dash wasn't going to give up that easily. Thinking of a plan, she went back to her room and brainstormed some more. Suddenly, she came up with an idea... Something that had to do with a Sonic Rainboom, smoke bombs, flintlock pistols, and explosions..

That's right, Rainbow Dash was going to draw a picture. About explosions. And other awesome things like that. But after that, she knew she had to come up with an actual idea that would sneak the other ponies out to collect supplies (so they weren't stuck eating gross cat food shit.). But for now, she was just going to doodle like a young schoolfilly.

Pinkie Pie was distressed. She couldn't bake anymore! She needed to make more cupcakes! And soon. Very soon. Or else, Pinkamena may come in town for a quick visit, and the other ponies would be leaving. Somewhere else. And probably not alive. Or breathing. Or in one piece. Or not baked in a sugary pastry.

Pinkie shuddered. I can't think like that! That's terrible! Oh my Celestia, why would I even have that mental picture in my mind! Well, I guess I am slightly hungry.. And on that note, Pinkie took a bite of her Derpy Hooves she had caught in a snare she had left outside. (That she hadn't told the other ponies about because they probably wouldn't like the fact that Pinkie is a ruthless cannibal.)

Pinkie walked over to her broken mirror, and her reflection? Well, I'll show you her reflection. (I hope you wear diapers.)

Pinkie Pie jumped back a couple meters. Oh. Um. Wow!

Pinkie's shout of surprise could be heard across the warehouse.

Fluttershy was reading a book, when she decided it'd be best not to even think about investigating what the hell just happened in the bedroom belonging to Pinkie, which was just across the hall.

I hope she's okay.. Fluttershy peeked out her window and saw the outside world, which was dark and disturbing. Several pegasi walked aimlessly, muzzles spread wide open with a blank expression. Fluttershy was pretty sure she even saw one of them drool like a caveman, making a long path of spit. Eww! I feel so bad for them! They can't even see that they're.. drooling! The breakfast bell rang, and Fluttershy's train of thought was broken. Suddenly experiencing a belly rumble, Fluttershy flew her door open, and hoped that whatever was for breakfast wasn't ketchup.

Inturl00d - Durpee's Stury

hai gaiz, itsame, da uriginel durpee hewvs!!! wel i gess ur probly liek, omg derpy y r u brakin da fourt wull, bat for dis i hav tew. sory. itts impurtant. ernyweys, lert me terll u how dis all hapwend.

so liek, i wus hangin oute wit princeress cerestiera, ern she kerst er sperll ern me. she sed

"ok derp, dis will hert a littel. dis wurld is buring. we nerd ter destruy it becuz me an lunae need tu stert a nerw wurld. k? k." an i agred, becuz dis wurld suckd. den she sed

"derp u will tern evryperny els intu 1 of u. k? dat way we kan run an dey wont evr no dat we ran cuz u gais suckd." den i sed, "ok ceresteria. but were  r u goin? i wana kom sinc im doin u a hug favr. rite?"

but den, ceresteria ternd into wun of mee.

da en i thinck

Okay, if you get a migraine from reading this, I'm sorry (I got one too.). Just a little quick interlude that would keep you updated, and maybe reveal some little thingies that would 'shock' you. By the way, I keep interludes very short, next chapter will contain 1k+ words.

Goodbye

HUGE FREAKIN' WARNING: IF YOU DON'T L

Rainbow Dash's plan wasn't really going all that well, considering all that she had done was make a small dent in the bathroom tiles. She sighed and, using her EXTREME RAINBOW POWERS OF STEALTHINESS, stealthily flapped her wings over to Rarity's room. She squeaked open the heavy, gray, and dull door to reveal the opposite: A dragon's dinner. On the walls were many priceless gems, the floor made Rainbow's eyes bleed, and the ceiling, OH GOD THE CEILING. The ceiling was covered with shimmering golden wax, and if Rainbow knew Rarity, she knew the frugal unicorn had used a blow dryer on a gold crayon. Sprawled on the small cluttered bed was Rarity, slobbering on a pillow, while murmuring sadly. "No Spike, don't.. put the pancake in the trash compactor.." Rainbow snorted in laughter and poked Rarity's face with a stick. Rarity rolled over and mumbled. "No.. Don't poke me with the Fork of Horripilation.. Please," Rainbow Dash, bored with this, kicked Rarity off of her tiny bed and she fell to the ground with a thump.

"JABSHFBEJBFBHJBSJBF.. wait.. what.. RAINBOW DASH, WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?" Rarity screeched, watching Rainbow Dash's amused facial expression with rage.

"Want to help me get foooooooooooooooooooood?" Rainbow asked, with a cute little wide-eyed stare. Rarity sighed and angrily muttered, but loud enough for Dash to hear, "tater tots.." Dash facehoofed, pushed past Rarity, and trot out the door. Well, that could have gone a LOT better.

Rainbow looked out the window, and saw the sun starting to set. She saw Cloudsdale out in the distance and sighed. If only it were safe up there.. I could bring all of my friends and we could be safe.. Derpys can't actually fly that high. Suddenly, Twilight shouted down the hall, saying dinner was ready to eat. Oh gee whiz, you know I love eating raw eggs! Rainbow groaned and galloped to the "dining table", aka a long cardboard box covered with paper towels. She sat down on her box seat and dug into her brick and paint thinner sandwich.

Three vomiting ponies and one Derpy invasion later, Dash walked in Fluttershy's room and saw Fluts laying on the bed. Pissed off, Rainbow kicked Fluttershy in the back of the head and unfortunately gave her a bit of a concussion. Nice going, Dashie. HEY, you don't have the right to talk to me like that, Author! I swear to god, one of these days- Woah, okay, Dash, stop breaking the fourth wall.

Sorry about that. You didn't even tell what really happened! Rainbow, what did I say about breaking the fourth wall? Fine, just tell the story already, you stupid ape. ANYWAYS, yeah, that happened. Fluttershy is.. um.. "recovering" from her concussion, and yeah. Get to the point. Okay, fine. Next paragraph is serious.

Serious.

Okay, fine. Rainbow lazily flapped her wings and 'flew' over to Fluttershy. Curious, Dash gently tugged at Fluttershy's mane. "Fluttershy?.. Are you awake?" Fluttershy's wings shot up and she rolled over and stared at Dash. "What is it? I was just in the middle of a fantastical.. dream.. thing. So.. um.. How are you? What are you here for, Rainbow Dash?" Rainbow sat down in a plastic chair and grunted. "I need your help searching for food outside."

Fluttershy gasped cutely. "What?? The OUTSIDE? Dash.. That's a scary place.. Are you sure?" Rainbow sighed. "Yes, Fluttershy. I'm serious. We need to actually get to the point of this fic start eating REAL FOOD. I don't like.. eating.. what we're.. eating.. right now. I hope you understand this, Fluts."

Fluttershy grimaced, and nervously nodded her head. "I under..understand. I... guess I could come... and.. and.. and.. help you look for food, I guess. Would that be nice?.."

Rainbow Dash grinned. "Yes, Fluttershy. That'd be perfect. After all, I'd need your help in case.. of.. um.. something. Thanks again, Fluttershy." And with that, Dash ran out in search of other ponies that could help.

Fried Shovels

It was midnight.

Rainbow Dash had figured that asking everypony (Except that obnoxious and obviously stupid purple unicorn) to go scavenge for food would probably have ended up with a certain blue pegasus' head mounted on the wall.

Storming back to her room after a dinner of beef jerky that basically rejected pony society's norms, Dash cooked up an idea about how to get out of this dump, so she could escape, and probably be turned into a derp scavenge for food and be appreciated as a royal hero!

Speaking of royalty, when word got to Canterlot about the Derpy epidemic, the princesses hauled ass out of there, and started a new world where Derpy Hooves proved to be nonexistent. Thanks, Trollestia and L-

IDEA IDEA IDEAAAAA! Rainbow Dash had an ide-

YOU DON'T SAY? Dash replied sarcastically.

Hey, I'm the one writing dow-

Get the hell out of here, Author.

Fine.

ONE WEEK LATER

Rainbow Dash was finished PMSing, and was ready to report about her plan!

Here's the plan:

Step 1: Throw smoke bombs in hall.

Step 2: Break tile in bathroom.

Step 3: Penetrate ground shown beneath tile.

Step 4: Quietly sneak through tunnel recently dug.

Step 5: Emerge onto land outside of warehouse.

Step 6. Find source of food that had nothing to do with expired cat food or ketchup.

Step 7: Go back to warehouse and be worshipped!

And with that, Rainbow threw several rainbow coloured smoke bombs onto the floor of the hallway, galloped into the bathroom, locked the door, and started whacking the tile uselessly with a 40 pound shovel.