Around Equestria in 80 Days

by Kuroyami Fukaikuro

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance, Adventure, Random, Discord
Length: 7377

I travel Around Equestria with Discord

A continuation of my Two-Shot, "Haygas Chaos".
I go back to Equestria, this time for Summer Vacation.

Published 2012-11-24 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-27 14:27:19 UTC

Prologue: Not the Good Part

Around Equestria with the Spirit of Chaos

By: Kuroyami Fukaikuro

Author's Note: Hello, I'm back. If you haven't read the prequel, Haygas Chaos, stop reading this now and read that first, because it explains a lot of backstory. This time, I go back to Equestria. For Summer. Keep in mind, this fic is on a completely different timeline than real life. As most fics are. Why are you still reading this? The fic is right there. Down below. It's right there. Come on, is this really that interesting? THE FIC IS RIGHT THERE! DOWN THERE! READ IT!

PS. Bear with all the Non-Equestrian interaction, we'll go there eventually. By the end of this chapter. Yeah, by then. Woo hoo.

Several Months after the events of Haygas Chaos

I sat in my bed, holding a sheet of paper over my head. No, it wasn't my homework this time. Who the fuck does their homework over summer vacation? No, this time, the sheet of paper contained my doom. It was an invitation to the V.I.P. After-Party of the Summer Sun Celebration, this year being held in Appleoosa. The invitation named some other V.I.P.'s such as Derpy (who knew?), the Cakes, Shining Armor and Cadence, the Elements of Harmony...
The Elements of Harmony...
Twilight...
The last time I saw her, she confessed her love to me, and I ran like a coward...
How was I supposed to see her now?
A knock on my door. I opened it. This time, it was not my father, but my childhood friend, Alexandra. She was wearing dark blue jeans, black Converse sneakers, a dark red shirt, and a black hoodie. On her left wrist, she wore a watch that I got for her tenth birthday. She also had on fingerless gloves, black with red Heartless (if you don't get this reference you live a sorry life) symbols on the back of her hand. Her hair was cut to her shoulders, her black hair tinged with dark red highlights at the ends. Her bright green eyes narrowed upon seeing me in my pajamas, striped boxers and a t-shirt.

"What the hell have you been doing?"
"Why do you care?"
"Johnny called you out."
"Oh God, again?"
"Yeah. I'm starting to think he might be a masochist."
"That's a disturbing thought. But couldn't you have called? Speaking of which, how did you get in my house? My family's in Italy for the summer."
"Thomas did call, but no one answered. And your phone was off. So I had to come get you. And I picked your lock. It's really fucking easy. You should know, you taught me how to do it."
"Yes, I did. Alright, wait outside. I've gotta change."
"Got it."

She left, and I changed into some day clothes. I put on some jeans, a white long sleeved shirt, and my own watch, which I put on my right wrist. I also put on my custom made UFC style gloves, which were solid black with red dots at the knuckle parts. I opened the door and walked down the stairs. I heard a sound in the kitchen.

"I thought I told you to wait outside."
"I didn't eat breakfast."
"That's your own fault."

I pulled on my sneakers and walked outside. Alexandra walked out a couple seconds later, carrying a Nutella sandwich.

"You just have to eat my Nutella, don't you."
"Yeah. How else am I gonna get any?"
"Just 'cause your family's in Mexico for the summer, doesn't give you the right to starve and then eat my food. You live down the street from a grocery store, just buy some food there."
"I will, I will..."
"I don't believe you. Look, as soon as this fight is done, we're going to the grocery store. I'll pay if you pay me back later."
"Fine, whatever. Let's just hurry up already."

I locked the doors to my house and got on my motercycle. Alexandra got on behind me.

"How did you get here in the first place?"
"Took the bus."
"Huh. Well, where is it?"
"That abandoned factory. He's brought his little 'gang' and some airsoft guns."
"Alright. Put on your helmet. I'm not getting arrested for driving while being a minor because a cop noticed you being unsafe."
"It's on."

I started the motorcycle. Did I forget to mention, I turned 16 between Haygas Chaos and this? I did? Well, now you know.
We rode to the abandoned factory. It shut down when people realized that it was a bad idea to use chemicals to fireproof various fabrics. It was scheduled to be demolished, but no one ever came to do it.
I got off the motorcycle along with her. We walked up to the door and entered. Johnny was there, along with a group of his 'gang'. Thomas was also there. Us three, Alexandra, Thomas, and I all ran our own gangs, but Alexandra and Thomas looked up to me because I taught them everything. How to fight, how to fight dirty, picking locks, how to stalk people unnoticed, etc.
I nonchalantly looked at Johnny.

"This is all you brought? Haven't you been doing this long enough to know to bring more?"
"We have guns this time."
"Airsoft guns."
"Shut up!" He raised his guns and his men did the same. "OPEN FIRE!"

We jumped behind the cover of various old production lines as a wave of plastic bb's roared over our heads. We waited for a few minutes, but the roar of gunfire never ceased.

Then Alexandra spoke. "Would you remind me WHY we're hiding from airsoft guns?"
"Because even if it won't kill us, it'll hurt like hell?" Thomas said.
"Actually, she has a point." I said.

I grabbed a piece of meta and held it in front of me as I stood up. The plastic bb's ricocheted off of it, and struck some people in they eyes, based on the screams.

"AAAGH MY EYE!"

Yeah. I calmly walked forwards as the bb's continued to ricochet. Then they stopped firing after a final scream. I poked my head around the metal sheet. Johnny was the only one left. He threw his gun down and picked up a metal pipe, pointing it at me.

"You know what? I've had just about enough of you."

He charged me in a very stupid, obvious manner. He swung the pipe down and I sidestepped it, grabbing the back of his collar in the process. I threw im over my back and he faceplanted on the floor. He tried to raise his head, but my foot prevented that. I heard a crack. His nose was broken.

"Listen to me. I'll let you go. But if you pull something like this one more time, I'm going to break your fingers."

He got up, and left. His men got up and left with him, all of them groaning. I turned to my friends.

"Well, that's the end of that."
"But I didn't get to hit anyone..." they both said.
"You wanna fight me?"
They turned to each other. "Not in a million years."
"That's what I thought. We're done here."

Alexandra and I got on my motorcycle, while Thomas got on his.
Wait a minute.

"Thomas, you had a motorcycle and didn't let Alexandra use it?"
"She's not 16 yet!"
"You have stolen from multiple stores. And I don't even mean merchandise, I mean from the register. What do you care about the law?"
"It's my bike, man! I can't let the cops take it!"
"Whatever. See ya, man."

We went our seperate ways. I brought Alexandra to the grocery store and got her some food. I was going to drop her off at her house, but she objected.

"Yo, can I come in? It's friday anyways."
"Sure, why not."

I opened the door and walked into Chaos.

"Discord, what are you doing in my house?" He was in human form, wearing the same outfit I described him in in Haygas Chaos. Looking like a finely dressed hobo.
Alexandra just stood, staring, with her mouth open, completely dumbstruck.
"I came to make sure you didn't skip the Summer Sun Celebration."
"Fuck. I was planning on doing just that."
"Maybe, instead of staying at your house, you should have gone to Italy with your family?"
"Shut up, they left before I was notified. Maybe, you did that on purpose?"
Discord looked away suspiciously. "Nooo, that wasn't it at ALL."

I punched him in the face.
He flew back into the house and landed on the floor.

"What was that for?"
"Lying. Now, if I'm being forced, let's go. I'd rather not 'wake up' in Equestria."

We began to walk towards the unused portal in my room.

"Hey wait!" Alexandra called.
I turned around. "Yes?"
"You-You're just gonna leave?"
"Yes."
"Then I'm going with you! I can't believe you're going on some adventure without me!"
"It's in a land of ponies. And friendship. And there are prerequisites to joining."
Discord turned to me. "Actually, friends of people returning can come along, if the person returning allows it."
"Really? Okay then. That's convenient."
"Indeed."
I turned to Alexandra. "Well, if you want to come, that's fine with me. I gotta warn you though, the first time through the portal hurts a lot."

I grabbed my katana and handed Alexandra a spear, her weapon of choice. She accepted it without question. We stepped through, and entered the Limbo between universes. We floated towards another portal.

"How does this hurt?" Alexandra asked.
"You'll see."

We passed through. Alexandra screamed.

Equestria
The Outskirts of Appleoosa

Alexandra was rolling on the ground, writhing in pain. Discord and I dusted ourselves off.

"Why," She shakily asked, "why aren't you guys freaking out?"
"Because," A familiar voice answerd from behind me, "they've come through the portal once before."

I looked behind me, and there she was.

"Hello, Twilight."

End of Prologue

A/N: I told you we'd get to Equestria by the end of the Chapter! Please review/comment/whatever.

Chapter One: Reunion

Around Equestria in 80 Days

By: Kuroyami Fukaikuro

A/N:And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed, just to get it all out, what's in my head, AND I (I-I-I) am feeling (feeling) a little peculiar.

"Hello, Twilight."
Alexandra's eyes narrowed. "How do you know her?"
I turned to Alexandra. "Like she said, I've been here once before. And in that two-day period, I made quite a name for myself."
Discord laughed. "That's putting it mildly. You know, there's a reason you were invited to the summer sun celebration. It's 'cause you had such an effect on Luna that she wanted to see you there."
"You mean, she'll actually be awake for that? Just for me? HA! What a waste of potential sleep time!"
"I know right?"
We began to laugh together as Twilight turned to Alexandra. "So who are you?"
"I'm Alexandra, Kuroyami's childhood friend."
I suddenly stopped laughing. "Oh shit."
Discord turned to me. "What is it?"
"Story romance cliche number 3: Introducing two women who feel any level of affection towards you will inevitably lead to a conflict between them." I whispered to him.
"Huh. That makes sense."
Twilight narrowed her eyes. "His childhood friend?"
"Yeah. Who're you?"
"The girl who took his v-"

In a flash, I was up and covering her mouth with my hand.

Looking at Twilight, I said, "We'll talk later." She nodded, and I removed my hand. Turning to the other two, I said, "Come on. We should get going. I don't wanna stay in this desert for long."

We began walking to Appleoosa. Based on her body language, I could tell that Alexandra was suspicious of the relationship between Twilight and I. I could also tell that Twilight felt the same way about Alexandra and I. I could tell nothing from Discord, because, true to his nature, he began slithering through the desert like a snake.

"Twilight, we're away from Haygas. Shouldn't you and Discord be in pony/draconequus form?"
"Once we figured out how that magic worked, some ponies decided to remain as people. I was one of those ponies. Discord can change his form whenever he wants, because he's just like that."
"You can't explain Discord?" Alexandra asked.
I turned to her. "You just answered your own question. You can't explain Discord. Because he's Discord. He's just like that."

We continued walking, and eventually reached Appleoosa.

As soon as we stepped foot in town, Braeburn, who was still a pony, showed up.

"Hey! Welcome to AAAAAAA-"
The point of my katana was pressed against his neck.
"I swear to Luna, if you finish that sentence..."
He gulped. "Anyways, see you all at the Celebration!" He ran away.
Twilight looked at me. "That's no way to be social and make friends."
"Like you would be the expert on friendshi- oh wait, that's right, you are. Well, I have enough friends."
Alexandra stared. "Thomas and I are your only friends. Everyone else at school is just nice to you because you scare them."
"That's good enough for me."
Twilight sighed. "While you're here, I am going to teach you about friendship. There will be no escaping my lecture."
"It's not that I don't know how to mak -dammit,- *make friends. It's that I don't want any. The less friends you have, the less bullshit you have to deal with."

Twilight shook her head, and we kept walking. There was a stage and some instruments, as well as Celestia's sun-staff-symbol thing that she flies in front of on the Summer Sun Celebration.

(center stage, at about 0:08)

Alexandra turned to me. "Kuroyami, what... what kind of girl interests you?"
I looked at her. "You ask this question now?"
She rolled her eyes. "It's my right."
"Well, on what grounds? Beauty, intellect, personality, what?"
"Overall."
"Well..."

I jumped onstage with Discord. He summoned a trumpet, and-

BWAAAAAAAAAAA-

(instrumental)

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond.
I want a girl who knows what's best.
I want a girl with shoes that cut and,
eyes that burn like cigarettes.

I want a girl with the right allocations,
who's fast, and thorough, and
sharp as a tack.

She's playing with her jewelry,
she's putting up her hair.
She's touring the facility,
and picking up slack.

I want a girl with a short skirt,
and a looooooooooooooong jacket.

Twilight, who was wearing a skirt, immediately used her magic to summon a jacket that went down to her calf.

Alexandra turned to her and whispered, "You're taking this literally?"
"You're not?" she whispered back.
"Of course not. He's joking with us."
"But, he's singing about it. That means it's serious."
"Maybe in this world..."

I want a girl who gets up early

Discord (who was now using his chaos magic to play every instrument necessary for this song except guitar, which was what I was playing), echoed, gets up early!

I want a girl who stays up late

Discord: stays up late!

I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity,
who uses a machete to cut through red tape.
With fingernails that shine like justice,
and a voice that is dark like tinted glass.

She is fast, and thorough, and sharp as a tack.
She's touring the facility, and picking up slack.

I want a girl with a short skirt,
and a looooooooooooooong jacket.

Now a crowd began to surround the stage, ponies and humans alike, and they cheered.

(Instrumental)

I want a girl with a smooth liquidation,
I want a girl with good dividends.
At City Bank we will meet accidentally,
we'll start to talk when she borrows my pen.

She wants a car with a cup-holder arm rest,
she wants a car that will get her there.
She's changing her name, from Kitty to Karen,
she's trading her MG for a white Chrysler La Baron.

I want a girl with a short skirt,
and a looooooooooooooong jacket!

Now the crowd was really cheering, and shouting, and throwing-

"HOLY SHIT! WHOEVER THREW THESE, PUT YOUR PANTIES BACK ON!!!" I threw said article of clothing back into the crowd. Immediately afterwards, a large amount of undergarments found themselves being thrown at me.
I ran, towards the inn we would stay at. Discord came with me, after grabbing some of the underwear, writing his number on them, and throwing them back.

Alexandra and Twilight joined us in the hotel a couple of minutes later.
"What's up with running?" Alexandra asked me. "You usually stay for like a few minutes after a show and then ask for money."
"I still have money from the last time I was here. When the readers weren't looking, I deposited all of it in a bank account."
"Wait, what? What do you mean, 'when the readers weren't looking'?"
"What are you talking about?"
"You- you just said-" she stopped. "You know what? Never mind. I don't care."
"Hey Kuro," Discord said, "You need to know, me and Celestia-"
" 'Celestia and I', Discord, not 'Me and Celestia'."
"Does it matter?"
"Not really in a conversation, I'm just really meticulous about my grammer."
"Uh..."
I leaned in real close. "REALLY meticulous."
"Whatever."

We had dinner. It was tasty. And uneventful.
The eventful shit happened later, around midnight.

Around Midnight

Me and Twilight walked out of the inn and into the darkness.

"Come on. Into the desert, where no one can hear you scream."
"...Was the innuendo of that sentence intended?"
"There was no innuendo. It's all in your head."
"No, I'm pretty sure there was innuendo."
"Whatever. Come on."

Into the Desert!

We walked towards an oasis in the sands, with some large boulders in an almost complete circle around it.

"Alright," Twilight began, "down to business. What was up with you running away after the concert?"
"Well, you're the first person to ever confess to me. I freaked out, and ran."
"Fine, that's an acceptable excuse. But you have no reason not to acknowledge my feelings now. I love you, Kuroyami. What is your response?"
I took a deep breath- "huuuuh" - then began. "You are not in love with me."
"WHA- Yes I am!"
"No, you're infatuated with me, like Romeo and Juliet were. I'd hate to end up like them."
"But- we had sex! And it was wonderful!"
"DRUNK sex. How am I supposed to base MY feelings on something I don't remember?"
"Do you remember anything from that night?"
"A feeling that the sex was magical. But I attribute that to the fact that I had a threesome with the human forms of two unicorns and an alicorn. And because we were drunk. And it was my first time."
"It was my first time too..."
"And yet you had sex with Helghast like, 10 minutes after waking up?"
"Uh..."
"Yeah. Not to mention, we only knew each other for TWO DAYS, and you decide that you're in love with me? I thought you were the expert on relationships."
"I'm the expert on FRIENDSHIP, not romance. Cut me some slack. Besides, aren't you a little too knowledgeable about romance?"
"Pfft. This level of knowledge about romance is common once you reach the teenage years. At least, if you read a lot of shoujo manga, watch a lot of similar anime, and read a lot of books with romance."
"Aren't you a little obsessed with romance?"
I shook my head. "I just like to experience good stories. A lot of the good ones have some form of romance in them, like Buso Renkin, Rosario Vampire, Katekyo Hitman Reborn, The World God Only Knows, and numerous others."
"That's not enough of a background to claim you have a lot of knowledge about relationships."
"If I remember your words correctly, the only one that claimed I was really knowledgable about romance was you."
"I'll admit that. But I won't admit that my feelings are fake... How long are you staying in Equestria?"
"I'm gonna tour all around it with Discord and Alexandra."
"Then I'll go too. And I'll prove to you that my feelings are true."

I heard a slight skrch in the ground behind the boulders.

I walked closer to Twilight and whispered, "Teleport me behind the boulder behind me. About ten feet behind it."
"Why-"
"Just do it."

She teleported me. It felt weird, being dissassembled and reassembled in two different places. I looked at the boulder. Alexandra was behind it, and she straightened suddenly, probably a reaction at my disappearance. I pulled a bottle of chloroform out of my back pocket and poured a bit onto my handkerchief. I crept up behind her, then pushed the handkerchief onto her face. She flinched, but I kept a tight grip on her face, and she passed out.

Twilight walked up to me. "You keep chloroform in your back pocket?"
"I always have some on me, in case I need to use it."
"Well, let's get back. We have a big day tomorrow."

End of Chapter One

And I say, HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA, WHAT'S GOING ON?????

Chapter Two: Summer Sun Sex-abration (and some violence)

Around Equestria in 80 Days

By: Kuroyami Fukaikuro

A/N: ... Why am I writing this? I've got nothing to say right now.

I woke up. It was early, around six A.M. I could tell because of the position of the sun.

So... Only six hours of sleep? That's good enough.

I turned around and saw that Alexandra was still asleep. I got up and wondered how I would wake her up. Then I got a rather devious idea.

"Glacies," I whispered to myself. Instantly my hands were covered in ice. I took my index finger and traced a line up her back. She reacted instantly, arching her back in response to the cold, and fell off her bed. Of course, by the time she got up, I was back in my bed. I heard her stand up.

"Very funny, Kuro, now get up so I can kill you."

I complied. I got up... And jumped out the window. As I ran down the street, I looked back. Alexandra had her head out the window, and she was yelling.

"Kuro, you asshole! Get back here so I can rip off your balls!"

I yelled back, "That sounds painful, no way!~" and continued down the street.

A while later, I arrived at the Appleloosa saloon. I walked up to the bar and ordered some hard cider, on the rocks. After downing two of them, I looked over to see Discord sipping some water.

"Hey Discord, what do you want?"

"Dude, it's like 6:30 in the morning. Why are you drinking?"

"If all goes as planned, I will drunkenly ruin the Celebration. Then I will blame my drunkeness on it."

"You, my friend, are a master troll."

"Hah! I'm nothing compared to my sister. By the way, is Alexandra still pissed?"

"She's calmed down a bit. But she's still fuming."

"Huh. That was faster than ususal. Normally I have to wait at least a day before she's down to just fuming."

"I'm guessing you speak from experience?"

"First time I ever pissed her off, she tied me up and kicked me in the balls 20 times, giving me time to recover so I'd feel the effects of each kick."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. When does the Summer Sun Celebration start?"

"Dude, it's like 7 now. Celestia raised the sun almost two hours ago."

"Fuck."

"The after-party's still going on, so you can ruin that."

"You don't mind that I'll ruin your girlfriend's party?"

He looked at me like I was stupid. "I am the Spirit of Chaos. Do you realize how much it sucks for me to be at an organized party?"

"Hm."

"Hm."

"All right then." I stood up. "I am an Agent of Chaos, and I'm gonna trash Celestia's party!"

"That's the spirit!"

I ran out. Upon reaching the party, I picked up the nearest frosted confection and slammed it into Celestia's face. She sputtered. Immediately I announced,

"FOOD FIGHT!"

And threw more stuff at more people/ponies. They all just stared at me like I was crazy.

Then Celestia had to go and make things worse.

"Shining Armor, get him out of here!"

"With pleasure, Princess!" he charged, in his pony form. He formed a lance and charged at me. I deflected the lance and shoved a cake in his face, followed by a chloroform napkin. Once he passed out, I ran to the nearest ledge, and threw him off the cliff.

Did I mention that the party was near a cliff? Well now you know.

Celestia walked up to me. Her face was now clean. Probably due to magic. Or maybe she just licked it off. Whatever.

"Why would you do this?" Celestia asked. "Everyone's filthy, and the party is ruined!"

"Who died and made you Princess of the Dictionary? They're hardly filthy, they just have food all over them."

"Uh... Ok, but why?"

"I am an Agent of Chaos! And drunk. But mostly the Chaos."

"Did Discord put you up to this?"

"He gave me the idea. I just put it into action."

She face-hoofed.

Later
We're like, eating dinner and shit

Twilight stared at me from her spot at the table.

"...What do you want Twilight."

"I just can't believe you would do something like that! Trashing a party."

Alexandra laughed. "If you call that trashing a party, then you don't know Kuro. What he did was pretty tame. I remember, one time he crashed a party and the army got involved."

"And I wasn't even drunk!" I announced proudly.

Everyone at the table laughed, except Twilight. And Celestia. And Shining Armor, who was being restrained by Cadence so he wouldn't flip the table to attack me.

"What vulgar comedy..." Cadence muttered.

"Cadence, you haven't even heard my vulgar comedy."

"Do I even want to?"

"No you don't." I turned to Twilight. "If I asked you to have sex with me, would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this question?"

She didn't even have to think. "Absolutely."

"Too bad I'm not asking to have sex with you." I turned to Alexandra, but as I opened my mouth she threw her knife at me. I caught it, of course.

"Don't even say anything, Kuro." She turned to Discord. "So, where are you taking us first on our tour of Equestria?"

"The Crystal Kingdom."

Celestia looked at him. "Technically, the Crystal Kingdom is a sovereign nation, and has yet to officially be affliated with Equestria."

I smiled. "Good, because I need to check out their library."

"Why?" Twilight asked. "What book are you looking for?"

"A book on demon summoning."

Alexandra face-palmed. "Oh come on, Kuro. You've been obsessing with 'Demons' for months now. It's not like they'd have a book like that, in such a utopian-" she noticed a dark look on Celestia's face. "You... You have books like that?"

"They aren't necessarily on 'Demon Summoning', but, in the ancient past, when the three tribes of Pony warred against each other, the Earth ponies created a form of magic that used sacrifices. With this magic, they overpowered the other two tribes, but the cost was too great and the war reached a stalemate."

Twilight looked at me. "But why would you need more magic, Kuro? You already have magical abilites."

"For power-"

Alexandra interrupted me. "Wait, what? You have magic? And you didn't tell me?"

I sighed, pointed a finger at Shining Armor, and whispered, "Infernus." Since I was now sober, I had control over my powers, and only a part of him was set on fire.

He screamed in pain and threw his water on his head. The fire remained, however.

"Now now, Shining. Don't be stupid. That's not just fire, that's Hellfire. Need a lot more than water to put it out."

"Then put it out!" Twilight yelled.

"Only... if Shining Armor begs for my mercy."

"F-fine." He managed to compose himself, and he kneeled in front of me. "Please put out the fire."

I stomped on his head. "You call that begging? THAT WAS PATHETIC!" I continued to step on him. "Maybe you don't think I'm serious. I'll tell you what. Maybe I'll let Cadence die with you?"

He got even lower, and his voice sounded more desperate. "PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T KILL CADENCE! You can kill me, just LEAVE HER ALONE!"

I smiled and stepped off of him. "Still not really begging, but I guess it's close enough. Aquam Sanctam." A small amount of Holy Water appeared over Shining Armor's head and put out the fire.

Throughout all of this, everyone else just stared. Then Alexandra spoke. "Um... Kuro... I think Kamatayan got out again."

"Wait, who?" Twilight asked.

I sighed. "I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, more commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. 'Kamatayan' is my alternate persona. He is much more murderous and sadistic than I. You should consider yourselves lucky that I was in control the whole time. If he was in control, he would have let Shining Armor die regardless. And then he would have killed Cadence anyways. And Twilight. And Celestia. And you, Discord. Or at least he'd try. But he won't kill Alexandra, for whatever convoluted reason." I looked at her questioningly, but she suddenly found the dessert interesting. (She looked away, if you don't get it.)

"Anyways," Twilight said, "back to what started this. Why do you want more magic?"

"Power."

"...And?"

"That's all I'm gonna say at this time."

"Ooookay!" Discord interjected. "Well, since dinner is ruined, we should all just go and relax. Kuro and Alex, you should sleep early, since we've got a big day tommorrow!"

Later that evening

Alexandra and I lay in our seperate beds, waiting for sleep.

We never got any.

A couple of minutes later, some thumping sounds, along with some moaning, came from the other rooms down the hall.

"What are they doing?" she asked.

"What do you think?" I responded.

"That... That's just-"

From down the hall, a shout came. "OOOOOH, YEAH! DO ME HARDER SHINY!"

I shuddered. "I am so glad I always bring earplugs in my pockets."

"Can't you just magic this particular area into silence?"

"I only have two types of magic. The main one is Elemental magic, like you saw earlier. The other one is Enhancement magic, which is when I improve my senses, my strength, my speed, etcetera."

"Nothing to make it quieter?"

"No."

"Do you have an extra one?"

I tossed her one, and then we went to sleep.

End of Chapter.

Author's Note

GODDAMN PAGE CRASHED, I HAD TO RE-DO LIKE HALF OF IT!
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Chapter Three: "Friendship" (Oh, and a Music Battle)

Around Equestria in 80 Days

By: Kuroyami Fuck-you-kuro

We awoke the next day. I was tired and bored, so I went looking for Discord.

But then I tripped and fell out the window.

I was about to land on my head, but then an aura of magic surrounded me. It was sort of bluish in color. I looked around for whoever had saved me from a concussion and saw a white coated unicorn with a blue main that had light blue streaks in it.

"Good morning," I said.

"Morning," she replied. There was an odd moment of silence as we regarded each other.

"You can let me down now."

"I don't think I will."

"Wat."

"Not until you accept my challenge to a music-performance-off!"

"My response to this statement is the same as my response to the last one."

"Me and my crew-"

"*My crew and I*, it's *my crew and I*, not 'me and my crew'."

"How did you speak with asterisks?"

"What asterisks? Anyways, can we get back on topic?"

"Sure, whatever. My crew and I play a song, then you, and the crowd decides the winner!"

"Shouldn't something like this be decided by professional managers?"

"Normally yes, but the guy who was supposed to play today decided to pussy out."

"Well, at least I know what I'm doing today."

"You'll play!?"

"Not like I have anything better to do."

"Great! Stage is... well, you can see it from here, since we're in this small town."

She released me and trotted off. The door of the inn opened behind me.

"Kuro?" Twilight exclaimed. "But... I woke up at sunrise, and no one else came down!"

"I fell out the window."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. A D-Jay caught me and challenged me to a music battle."

"... We leave for the Crystal Kingdom today."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand.... I do not care."

"But... the schedule... We can't go against the schedule!"

"You guys go ahead of me. I'll catch up eventually. Or should I say we, since Alexandra is staying too."

"Why?"

"She'll be part of the act."

"Well I guess I'll stay too, since I have to keep you in line."

"That's kind of what Alexandra's for." Then I ran off in search of breakfast.

A While Later

I reentered the house while eating something. Twilight looked up from the newspaper she was eating.

"Alexandra woke up, but no one else has yet. What are you eating?"

"A rabbit."

I walked over to the fridge and poured some cider to wash it down, ignoring the look of horror on Twilight's face. Alexandra came down the stairs.

"Is that rabbit? Can I have some?" I threw her some, and she started eating it. "Thanks!"

Twilight just sat there and stared at us.

"You... You're both disgusting."

"You realize humans are omnivores, right?" I replied.

"You mean... I have to eat meat too?"

"Well, no, some humans choose not to eat meat. But I personally think that's stupid, because meat is delicious."

Twilight stood up and walked to the trashcan before vomiting.

"I thought you knew this." I said. "Well, whatever." I turned to Alexandra. "We're gonna play today. So everyone'll go ahead of us, and then we'll catch up."

"Sure thing boss," she replied.

I turned to Twilight. "Where's Discord?"

"Celestia temporarily turned him into stone as punishment for getting you to ruin the Celebration."

"Huh. Where is he?"

"Out back. Why?"

"No reason."

Even later, at the Music Battle

The blue-haired pony D-Jay walked on stage, and was greeted by a huge amount of cheers. She was followed by a human woman with long black hair, who carried a cello. The cheering intensified.

She went over to a D-Jay station and magically grabbed the mic.

"Hello, everypony!" More cheering.

"You know who we are!" Even more cheering.

"Yeah! Vinyl Scratch and Octavia are here to perform!" I'm pretty sure someone came. As in, sexually.

"Unfortunately, the original challenger didn't show up, because he's a pussy!" Now some boos.

"But don't worry, we got a replacement!" She motioned towards us, and we waved.

I stepped up to the mic. "Vinyl, do you mind if I get two minutes to warm up in front of everyone?"

"I don't see why not."

I pulled out my acoustic guitar and began to play.

After I finished warming up, Vinyl spoke again.

"All right, so here's how the Battle's gonna work! They'll play a song, and then we'll play a song.. We each get three turns. After that, you guys decide who wins!" The crowd cheered again. She then addressed us. "You guys ready?"

"Yeah."

I switched to my red-and-black electric guitar, and Alexandra set herself up behind the DJ station that Vinyl loaned us. She also pulled out a violin for her second part. I set up the Discord statue behind the drum set.

Yes, Discord can still control drumsticks while stone solid.

We began to play. At the start, I played some chords and Discord drummed while Alexandra managed the DJ station. Then, when it was time, she placed her violin between her cheek and shoulder and played her part. Then I went into an epic solo. And then blah blah song music words. You can hear the fucking music. Unless you're deaf. In which case, I'm sorry, because you're really missing out.

At the end of the song, Vinyl and Octavia were staring at us, mouths wide open. Then they got their shit together.

"All right! Nice job guys! But now it's our turn!"

And then they played this.

Blah blah music blah blah character descriptions.

Then it was our turn again. Before we started, I said, "All rise for the Forever Alone Anthem!"

Blah Blah dancing blah blah by blah blah my blah blah self.

After we finished, I said, "Vinyl, you can take the next two turns, we'll finish this afterwards."

"Confident, huh? Fine! The crowd is ours!"

Vinyl and Octavia's 2nd Turn: Click Here!

Vinyl and Octy's 3rd Turn: Click Here!

Blah blah music.

Then it was our turn to finish the show.

We played this.

I sang the refrain/chorus/whatever. As I sang, the stone that surrounded Discord. Then the stone shattered completely. Discord used his magic to keep playing the drums while he rapped.

Finally, someone let me outta my cage

Now, time for me is nothing 'cuz I'm countin' no age

Naw I couldn't be there

Now you shouldn't be scared

I'm good at repairs

And I'm under each snare

Intangible

Bet you didn't think so I command you to

Panoramic view

Look I'll make it all manageable

Pick and choose

Sit and lose

All you different crews

Chicks and dudes

Who you think is really kickin' tunes?

Picture you gettin' down in the picture tube

Like you lit the fuse

You think it's fictional

Mystical? Maybe

Spiritual

Hearable

What appears in you is a clearer view 'cause you're too crazy

Lifeless

To know the definition for what life is

Priceless

To you because I put you on the hype shit

You like it?

Gunsmokin' righteous with one token

Psychic among those

Possess you with one go

Then I sang the refrain/chorus/whatever again, then Discord sang the second verse. At the time, I didn't notice it but he also used his reality-controlling powers to do shit to reality. I don't know what exactly happened though, I was closing my eyes playing the guitar.

The essence the basics

Without it you make it

Allow me to make this

Childlike in nature

Rhythm

You have it or you don't that's a fallacy

I'm in them

Every sprouting tree

Every child apiece

Every cloud and sea

You see with your eyes

I see destruction and demise

Corruption in disguise

From this fuckin' enterprise

Now I'm sucking to your lies

Through Russ, though not his muscles but the percussion he provides

With me as a guide

But y'all can see me now 'cause you don't see with your eye

You perceive with your mind

That's the inner

So I'mma stick around with Ya'll and be a mentor

With a few rhymes so motherfuckers

Remember where the thought is

I brought all this

So you can survive when law is lawless

Feelings, sensations that you thought were dead

No squealing, remember

He magicked his head next to Vinyl and Octavia and whispered "that it's all in your head." They jumped, and we finished the song.

The crowd roared with approval. Then Vinyl spoke up.

"All right crowd! Now you decide who wins!"

The entire crowd turned to Alexandra, Discord and I and screamed, "ENCORE!"

I smiled and said, "I guess we win." I looked at Discord and nodded, and he appearified a piano on stage. Discord remained at his drums, Alexandra switched to a bass guitar, and I sat down at the piano.

We began to play. A bit later I began to sing.

How do I

Get through one night without you?

If I had to live without you,

What kind of life would that be?

Oh, and I,

I need you in my arms, need you to hold

You're my world, my heart, my soul.

If you ever leave,

Baby that would take away everything

Good in my life.

I got off the piano (but Discord used his magic to keep it playing) and played my guitar as I kept singing.

Without you

There'd be no sun in my sky!

There'd be no love in my life

There'd be no world left of me!

Oh, and I

Baby I don't know what I would do

I'd be lost if I lost you.

If you ever leave,

Baby that would take away everything that's

Real in my life!

And tell me now-

How do I live without you?

I wanna know.

How do I breathe without you?

If you ever know.

How will I ever, ever survive?

Discord on air guitar, Fillies and Gentlecolts!

He began to air play while the drums played themselves.

Bwener Bwener bw bwe,

Bwener, bwe bwe b bwe!

Bwe bwe-ner wer-ne wer-ne

Bwe-we

Bwer-we-wer-we-wer

Bwe-Weee

Bwener-Weee

Bwener,

bwener-wener bwe bwe wer

(Alright fuck it I'm too lazy to give you subtitles for the rest of the air guitar)

(Back to me)

All right let's bring it back here now

I need somethin with a little soul

Casey take us there

Bring it back

All right, come on now!

I performed a backflip and Discord's magic caught me and held me upside down in front of the mic while I performed an Epic Solo. I remained upside down for the rest of the song. The audience began to sing along.

And tell me now,

How do I live without you?

I wanna know.

How do I breathe without you?

If you ever know.

How will I ever, ever survive?

The song finished and the audience ~~came~~ cheered. Vinyl and Octavia accepted their defeat and we all went out for dinner. I escaped after desert and left the rest of them with the bill.

Later, at night

Twilight and I sat on the roof in our pajamas. What was she wearing, you ask? ...I don't know, I didn't give a shit (it was purple with light pink polka dots).

"So," she said, "you and Alexandra are really close friends, huh?"

"Not really. We've only been friends for like, four years? I dunno."

"But... Haven't you known each other since childhood?"

I sighed. "It's a little complicated. You ready for some backstory?" She nodded. "When I was four years old, I met Alexandra. Back then, I was really social and outgoing. I was friends with pretty much every kid on my block. But then, three of them died in seperate 'accidents'." Her eyes widened slightly, and I continued. "That happened when I was five. Even then, I was observant. I had this... feeling that they weren't just accidents. So I asked my father, and he told me a family secret." Twilight looked at me expectantly. "Well I'm not gonna tell you. Anyways, I knew that because of the secret, people who were close to me would be in danger. So I became antisocial. The only people who were stubborn and determined to be my 'friends' were Alexandra and Thomas. I told them the secret, and said that only really strong and powerful people could be my friends and survive. They looked at each other, then at me, and said that they'd become the strongest people in the world. And they worked hard, over those years. I tested them vigorously, sometimes even doing things that would make normal people call a mental institution or the police. But they pushed through it all. I don't know if it's Stockholm Syndrome or whatever, but I couldn't ask for better friends."

"Kuroyami?"

"Hm?"

"Do you consider me to be your friend?"

"No. I consider you, Discord, and everyone else in my life, other than Alexandra and Thomas, to be an acquaintance. Even the members of my immediate family."

"What exactly does it take to be your friend?"

I looked at her. "Do you have a death wish?"

She looked back at me with a fire in her eyes. "Yes."

I smiled. "You just might have what it takes to be my friend. I'll get back to you on that, though. Get some sleep. We're going to the Kingdom tomorrow."

Author's Note

This chapter is alternatively titled "Comedic shit for the first half and somewhat serious shit for the second"