Whatever man.

by Chuckward

Rating: teen
Tags: Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Bon-Bon, Random, Derpy Hooves, Human
Length: 3006

A hippie goes to Equestria.

After a crazy night of smoking weed Gerard Butler wakes up to find that he is in a magical land, filled with happiness, love, and friendship.

Rated T for Totally Canon. Now with extra Derpy.

Published 2012-11-06 22:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-19 10:30:40 UTC

Chapter 1

Gerard was sitting with his three friends Lotus, Kimberly, and Bear Claw. They were sitting in the woods next to a Volkswagen, smoking pot and taking in nature.

"Whoa man," said Kimberly, smoke pouring out of her mouth with each syllable," this scene is righteous man."

Kimberly pointed at a large wall of rock.

"What's so righteous about it," asked Bear Claw.

"Just think about it man."

Bear Claw stared at the wall and thought as hard as he could. Suddenly his eyes opened wide.

"Righteous," said Bear Claw.

All of the stoners started giggling for no reason.

"Good times," said Lotus.

"Gerard man, why haven't you said anything," inquired Bear Claw.

"I think that bug is staring at me."

All at once the group looked at a bug that was definitely not staring at Gerard.

"Dude, you're high," said Lotus.

"You're high," replied Gerard.

"Am I high," Kimberly asked, while taking a huff of weed.

"I doubt it."

"I think we're all high," Bear Claw said.

"That's craz-wait, I just thought of something."

"What is it?"

"Do penguins have knees?"

"Duuuuude," the group said in unison.

They all sat there, staring off into space, wondering whether or not penguins have knees.

"They've got to have knees," decided Lotus.

"But they waddle," Gerard countered.

"Maybe their knees are covered by feathers."

"Guys," said Kimberly," it doesn't matter what parts we have, as long as we can all live peacefully together."

"That's so beautiful," Gerard said, with tears in his eyes.

The entire group hugged, and then they pulled out some water laced with acid. All of them took a sip, except for Gerard, who downed half the bottle. After awhile they all began to see swirling colors. They ran around screaming. Lotus and Bear Claw took off their clothes and jumped into a river. After a few minutes Gerard blacked out.

When Gerard woke up he was very confused. None of his friends were anywhere to be found, his Volkswagen was gone, and he was no longer in a forest. Now he was in a colorful meadow, surrounded by colorful flowers and beautiful butterflies. He thought for a while as to what could have possibly brought about this strange turn of events before coming to the only possible conclusion.

"Too much acid."

Gerard looked around. He liked what he saw.

"Whoa man, I'm getting some really good vibes from this place."

So Gerard did what he always does in these situations, he got high and ate potato chips. After awhile he decided to look around. He noticed what appeared to be a small town on the horizon. He began to walk towards it, all the while smoking weed and playing bongos.

By the time Gerard reached the town it was almost nightfall, it wasn't that the town was particularly far away, Gerard was just constantly getting distracted by bugs and flowers and what have you. Walking into town he passed a large sign, unfortunately for Gerard he was much too stoned to read, so he walked into town at a leisurely pace before he noticed something odd. There was a pony flying through a doorway, followed closely by a large suitcase. Gerard rushed over to help the poor creature. He helped it get up to its hooves and started to speak to it.

"It's okay little pony, whatever did that to you can't hurt you anymore."

The pony shoved him out of the way.

"Thanks but I can handle this myself,Bon-Bon open up, I'm sorry!"

"Whoa, you can talk?"

"What? Of course I can talk."

The pony turned to him and started to scream.

"OH SWEET CELESTIA! BON-BON PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!"

"Not on your life."

"What's the issue,"Gerard asked," I'm not gonna hurt you."

The pony cautiously approached Gerard, inspecting him closely.

"Wait, are you a human?"

"Yeah."

"Holy crap, BON-BON GET OUT HERE!"

"NO!"

"BUT YOU'VE GOT TO COME SEE THIS!"

The door slowly creaked open and out popped the head of a small cream colored earth pony.

"Goodness gracious Lyra, don't wake up the whole neighborhood, now what is it?"

"Look, it's a human."

Bon-Bon looked at the tall figure that reaked of pot and mold. She screamed and slammed the door.

Lyra sighed and turned to Gerard.

"Just stay right here."

Lyra then walked into the house and shut the door behind her. Gerard could hear several loud noises, including clattering pots and pans, shattering glass and for some reason a bullhorn. When the noises ceased the door opened and out stepped an an exhausted looking Lyra and Bon-Bon.

"See Bonny poo? Nothing to worry about."

"Will you stop calling me that? People already think we're a gay couple."

Bon-Bon walked up to Gerard and held up her hoof. Gerard accepted and shook it. When he let go Bon-Bon sniffed her hoof and shuddered with disgust.

"So what was with you throwing Lyra out?"

"Well, I was just about sick of her obsession with humans after she turned her hoof into a hand, but it's a moot point considering she appears to have been right about your existence all along."

Lyra turned to Gerard.

"So thanks for unintentionally fixing everything, even if you weren't everything I expected."

"Whatever man,"Gerard help up a peace sign and turned to walk away.

"Where do you think you're going?"

Gerard turned to see that Bon-Bon was the one asking.

"What do you mean?"

"Well since you sorta turned up out of nowhere I'm assuming that you don't have anywhere to stay, so you'll be staying here."

"You really mean it Bonny poo? We get to have a real live human in our house?"

"Sure, just as long as he takes a shower."

So Gerard walked into the house and took a shower, it took a whole bottle of shampoo, and an entire bar of soap before Bon-Bon decided he smelled good enough to be in her home. When he was done he found his clothes in a neatly folded stack on the counter. He put them on and walked downstairs to see Lyra and Bon-Bon at a table with various types of vegetation.

"I sure hope you can eat this, sorry if it's not to your liking."

Gerard smiled to himself, he sure was happy that all hippies are automatically vegetarians.
He sat down at the table and went to town.

The chapter after chapter 1.

Before you read this chapter I'd love it if you joined The Sexy Hair Club!

Gerard woke up.He looked around, momentarily forgetting where he was. He was no stranger to waking up in strange locations, so he remained rather calm.

"Oh my word, what sort of shenanigans have my hippie habits gotten me into this time?"he said aloud in a curious tone. He took off his grungy hippie clothes to reveal a spotless white tuxedo. The second his tiedye poncho was over his head his hair instantly tidied itself into a simple comb over, and his beard vanished. He grabbed a top hat, a cane, and a pocketful of miracles, then he calmly sauntered down the stairs, pausing to straighten a framed picture of what he assumed was Lyra's family. He stared at the young version of her with deep concern in his eyes.

Miss Lyra looked so sad in the picture. Sure she was smiling, but it certainly wasn't genuine. He started to rush back up the stairs to consult with Lyra, but he regained his composure, he'd have to wait until the right time, it was the gentlemanly thing to do after all. So he walked the rest of the way down the stairs and into the kitchen. He began to rummage through the various cabinets pulling out bowls and trays as he went along. Afterwards he went to the refrigerator to cell exit the necessary ingredients. He had chocolate chips, flour, milk and-

"Hmm no eggs, why would- ah but of course, eggs are most improbable to be in a pony's diet, whatever was I thinking? No matter, I like a challenge."

So Gerard looked high and low for anything he could use to replace the eggs. After picking out what he decided would be suitable he mixed them together and put them in a tray, then he popped them in the oven. Gerard walked over to a window and looked outside to watch the sunrise, he enjoyed the powerful beams of light that spread warmth across his entire being. He daydreamed for awhile until he heard a soft ding. He walked over to the oven and pulled out a tray of freshly baked chocolate chip muffins. He smelled them, enjoying the wonderful aroma. He grabbed a muffin for himself and placed it on the windowsill to cool.

Then he poured a glass of orange juice and put two muffins on a plate. He filled another glass with milk and walked back upstairs, he walked into Lyra and Bon-Bon's room delighted to see that they were both asleep,he placed the plates and glasses upon their nightstand and left to let the smell of the muffins awaken them in the most pleasant manner possible. He went back to the kitchen to enjoy his breakfast, when he came across a strange sight, a small cross-eyed Pegasus with her head in the window, eating his muffin.
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Bon-Bon woke up slowly, wafting in the pleasant aroma that engulfed the entire room. She looked down to see Lyra cuddling her, with her head resting in Bon-Bon's side. She smiled and slowly moved Lyra away, taking care not to wake her. Then she turned to her nightstand, and was greeted with two chocolate muffins. She nudged Lyra.

"Lyra did you do this?"

Lyra sat up and rubbed her eyes, then she yawned and turned towards Bon-Bon. Her closest friend was holding a plate of muffins.

"Bonny you know I can't cook. It was probably Gerard."

"Well then, I must say, he's an amazing baker," said Bon-Bon after swallowing the large bite she had taken.

Lyra and Bon-Bon sat in their bed talking and laughing, be it about old school days, or the situation they were currently in. After finishing breakfast they trotted down the stairs to thank Gerard.

Lyra and Bon-Bon walked into the kitchen, only to see Gerard and Derpy having tea and crumpets, each was wearing a top hat and a monocle, there was a chess board in front of them and the phonograph was playing haytoven's fifth.

Gerard turned his head towards the sound of trotting hooves. He was delighted to see Lyra and Bonbon walking into the kitchen. Naturally he greeted them in as polite a manner as possible.

"Good morning Lyra and Bonbon, how do you do?"

"Oh goodness," said Bonbon, surprised at how articulate Gerard was being this morning,"I'm fine, how're you?"

"Oh I'm simply fantastic. I made muffins this morning, but when I finished bringing yours upstairs I found this pegasus devouring my breakfast."

"Terribly sorry about that good sir,"Derpy said,"but when I get near a muffin I find myself unable to maintain my composure."

"It's fine, it's fine," Gerard replied,' I experience a similar phenomenon when I inhale marijuana."

"How unfortunate, Knight to Rook 3, I believe that's checkmate."

"Goodness you're right,"he turned to Lyra," miss Lyra, were you aware of how adept at chess your friend here is?"

"Not really..."

"But she's so articulate, haven't you ever invited her into your home?"

"No..."

"Well why not."

"Is it the eyes," Derpy interjected,"over the years people seem to come to the conclusion that I'm mentally afflicted due to my peculiar condition, I assure you it's nothing more than a severe case of Derpchondria,"she turned to Gerard," Thank you for such a wonderful time Mr.Butler, but I simply must return to my mail route."

Derpy grabbed her mail bag and walked out the door while whistling classical music. She took off, running to continue her ,mail route.

"What a wonderful mare,"said Gerard," so refined."

"That's great and all Gerard, but we need to get you to Twilight Sparkle's house, we need to know more about you, plus she'll know how to break you to the public."

"Wonderful idea, but if you're planning to gently introduce me to the public I must ask, how are you going to get me there without anyone seeing?"

"Leave that to me," said Lyra holding up a hammer and some paper clips.

It's Darth Vader shampoo, Luke Skywalker is the conditioner.

Lyra and BonBon were walking towards the Ponyville library escorting an unusual being. They were trying to act as inconspicuous as possible, but the third member of their party was garnering many confused stares.

"Lyra, while I'm impressed with your ability to assemble costumes with nothing more than paper clips and masking tape I feel I must ask, why do I need to dress up as a panda," inquired Gerard from within the panda suit.

Lyra turned towards Gerard, bearing an expression of disbelief.

"We've been over this Gerard, we can't have a strange inter-dimensional creature wandering around Ponyville, the folks here tend to overreact about even the slightest thing. My friend is still seeing a therapist after that bunny stampede."

"Pandas are an endangered species where I'm from, are they not in a similar state here as well?"

"Well, they are, but they're not as weird as a mysterious creature from a different dimension that nopony's ever seen before."

"Oh really, and how many pandas have you seen in your life?"

Lyra stopped and turned to Gerard. She angrily grabbed his costume in her teeth and pulled, ripping the paper clips apart. Instantly every citizen in the area ran around screaming in abject horror, dashing towards their homes. Within seconds the entire area had become a veritable ghost town. Lyra turned with a triumphant harrumph and began trotting towards Twilight's library.

After a few minutes passed they reached their destination and Lyra knocked on the door. It opened slowly, revealing a haggard looking purple unicorn, the bags under her eyes, as well as the mountainous pile of books behind her were a dead giveaway to the several sleepless nights of study she had partaken in.

"Oh hey Lyra, whats up?"

"Hi Twilight,I have something you may want to see."

"What is it?"

"Well, remember how I've been trying to find proof of human existence?"

"Lyra we've been over this, there is none and never will be any conclusive evidence of the existence of hu- holy crap."

Gerard stepped into view.

"Hello miss, Twilight was it? I've heard so much about you along the way."

Twilight turned to Lyra, the sleepiness in her expression faded away instantly.

"Is this seriously a human?"

"Yes,"interjected BonBon," it turns out Lyra was correct all along."

"But this is insane," Twilight huffed before a large grin plastered itself onto her face," there's so many research opportunities. Spike!"

Spike descended down from the top of the mountain of books, decked out in full hiking gear.

"Yes Twilight?"

"Get my protractors, we have a lot of studying to do."

Derpy Hooves was happily trotting along a cobblestone path following her daily mail route. She looked at the address on the envelope she was carrying and saw Roseluck's name scrawled on the front. Derpy trotted to Roseluck's house, coming to a halt at the front door. She shoved the envelope into the slot only to notice a small chocolate truffle on a napkin in front of her. There was a note next to the napkin that simply said "for the mail pony" Derpy gulped down the truffle and flew up into cloudsdale, and into the post office.

Derpy walked up to her boss's office to let him know she was finished, it wasn't mandatory or anything. She could have simply clocked out, but Derpy preferred to alert her boss in person. She knew what kind of person her boss was. He was the kind of guy who needed to see a pony face to face before he would entrust them with more important jobs, and it was because of this knowledge that Derpy had recently been promoted, she now got the most important jobs, the best hours, and the highest pay.

"Hey boss, I finished all of my deliveries, is there anything else you need?"

"You know Derpy, day in and day out you're always the first pony to finish their job,keep that up and pretty soon you'll be sitting in this chair instead of me."

"Well I don't know about that..."

"I mean it, I recently got a call from corporate, and they want me higher up, so I need a replacement. I was thinking you'd be right for the job."

"You really mean that sir?"

"But of course, now in the meantime there's a package that needs to be delivered to a Miss Dash. Do you think you're up for it?"

"Absolutely sir!" Derpy gave her best salute and ran to the mail room, she grabbed a large package, put it in her saddlebags and flew off to Rainbow Dash. Once she arrived she carefully placed the package on the doorstep.

"I wonder what discreet shipping means," Derpy said, reading the side of the box. Deciding she would ask later Derpy raised her hoof to the doorbell...and was immediately smacked off the porch by Rainbow Dash, who flew off into the air none the wiser.

Derpy plummeted towards the ground, her speed steadily increasing. Derpy continued to fall, desperately trying to regain her balance as a Mach cone began to form around her. It slowly grew thinner and thinner around her, and the very second she regained control of her wings she broke the sound barrier, creating a muffin shaped explosion, sending a loud boom all across Ponyville. She pulled up just before hitting the ground and flew straight ahead, dodging every obstacle in her wake, except a fruit stand.

That sure was fun to write, so basically every few chapters will follow Derpy.