The Super-Duper Always-Angry Pony

by a3V

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie
Length: 2368

Pinkie Pie vs. Angry Pony

The Angry Pony is always angry. The Angry Pony also hates everything, which is quite befitting of a very angry pony. The very angry pony doesn't like Equestria, even, or the Princesses! However, most other ponies do not pay him any attention because he is, frankly, always angry.

But alas, one day Angry Pony does something completely unsurprising! He attempts to destroy Equestria! What will our champion of do-goodery and super-cheery-cheerfulness Pinkie Pie do?! Will she triumph in the name of all that is warm, fuzzy, and slightly sugary? Or will Angry Pony win the day and make everypony else slightly more uncomfortable?

Published 2012-11-06 23:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-06 23:40:02 UTC

In Which the Angry is Unleashed and Pinkie-fied

Angry Pony looked out onto the town of Ponyville. It was so vibrant all the time, and he hated it. The pony world was absurdly colorful for all its ridiculous hues and shades, and the bright tones burned into the back of his eyes like a hot iron to something that isn't hot. He had no experience in such things, but he assumed that's what being burned by a hot object felt like.

"Fie! Confound these ponies, they drive me to be angry!" he uttered to no one in particular, with the exception of his lone bed. He hated his bed slightly less than everything else in this childish realm, so full of wonder and mystery.

He hated mystery. And he hated the magnifying glasses that usually came with it.

He closed the curtains to his one-story home and trotted around, moping like he usually did from day to day. He received bits from his job as a bureaucratic assistant to the Cloudsdale weather office, and such was enough for him to get by—he was not an excessive pony, and only bought food. The rest of the bits went to his fund to destroy everything.

A fund which, very recently, has hit the breaking point. That meant that Angry Pony was about to execute his plan! No more would he be hassled by other ponies in the streets! No more would the oppressively vibrant world outside bestow upon him a multitude of discomforts, like sunlight, or allergies! Nay, today was the day he would rise up against the oppression that was everything else!

"At last! I will finally execute my plan!" As usual, he said this to nopony in particular.

He moved into his equally darkened living room and kicked an old wooden cabinet leaning against the far wall. It sputtered open and ushered for a single drawer, within which sat a similarly lonely document. His hooves took up the scroll reverently, holding it up so that the lone beam of sunshine landed straight up the parchment.

"At last... at last!"

He unceremoniously opened the scroll with a flourish, laying it on the ground for his eyes to see. On it sat a simple, mundane, and exceedingly amateur drawing of the world, with a single large bomb illustrated on top of the planet. A stick-pony off to the side held the detonator to the bomb, which was labeled as the Angry Pony himself.

Naturally, the plan called for an absurd amount of explosives, which the famous Elements of Harmony had no idea how to counter! Indeed, he had analyzed the attack plans of the previous villains to accost the nation of Equestria, and from his analysis came forth with one conclusion:

They were utter idiots!

He shook his hooves, quaking with fury, as he thought back upon their plans. Such foolishness! Such arrogance! The hubris these villains presented were so large they could easily dwarf size of Princess Celestia's rear! So close were they to achieving total domination, and yet they let it slip from their grasp so soon! Victory was around but a single corner, and they simply tripped! Tripped! This was an insult to everypony that hates everypony else!

He brought a pink hoof to his face as he sighed, rubbing his temples. His mere existence was one of spite, he thought. Upon reaching the ripe, old age of five, he had taken forth into the real world by his lonesome, and achieved his cutie mark within several days of doing so. The red "!" within an orange fire seemed to serve well enough as a warning sign to other ponies, with the exception of one.

Her. The baker from Sugarcube Corner, the very antithesis of Angry Pony's existence! He could feel the blood rushing up to his face with the mere mention of the persistent peppy pink pony. He hated her so much he had assigned not one, not two, but three different adjectives to her form! Three! That was three more than he gave any pony, and boy, did he hate everypony. This was a sign of his hatred for her, surely, and he knew for certain that if anypony was going to try to stop him, it would be her.

Not the Princesses, not the Royal Guard. Pinkie Pie would.

He thrashed about in his empty living room, flailing on the wooden flooring as he spouted guttural and seemingly demonic gibberish. He had never felt such intensity towards any pony before, except for Pinkie Pie. Her appearance alone was like a mockery of his own form—garishly pink, and with a mane to match. Indeed, if it weren't for Angry Pony's yellow eyes, he would be indistinguishable from a male version of Pinkie, and such drove him further into his angry-ness.

After doing a double-roll into a wall, he sat staring upwards into the ceiling. This was no longer the time for lollygagging. This was the time for action! He got to his hooves with a huff, before dusting himself off and smashing through his front door. Admittedly, that had hurt him quite a bit, but anger waits for no pony!

He limped off to his secret lair, which just so happened to be on the edge of the Everfree Forest.

"Ooh, twitchy! Wait, no! This is a new twitch! It's not my regular twitcha-twitch, it's a twitch-twitchy-twitch-twitch!" Pinkie Pie bounced off the ceiling of the kitchen inside Sugarcube Corner, while an exhausted Mrs. Cake stood nary a hoofstep away, completely oblivious to the bouncing of the pink pony.

"Now, Pinkie, remember to finishing the icing on this cake, okay? I have to take care of the twins today. If you need anything, give my husband a shout!"

"W-will do, Mrs. Cake!" Pinkie was trying to hold on to her hindleg with her hooves. "Agh! This one's so strong! It's like somepony wants to do horrible things to everypony's day, like being a meanie-pants!"

Pinkie gasped. "Meanie-pants! Oh no!"

She burst out of the rear door to Sugarcube Corner at a speed that would make even Rainbow Dash blush, zooming straight for the library. She dodged and weaved through the various ponies walking through the streets, like a fat flamingo attempting to dance the tango with the sky. Usually, "the sky" would be Rainbow Dash, and every time the pegasus would be pulled into an impromptu dancing session with Pinkie Pie.

Using her momentum, Pinkie tucked into a roll and barreled straight into the door of the Ponyville library. She landed like a cat straight in front of Twilight Sparkle, who laid on her back both out of surprise and out of shock.

"Pinkie! What in the world do you think you're doing?!"

"No time, Twilight! Need to look for my emergency 'stop the meanie-pants' stash!" Pinkie jumped for the nearest bookshelf and began tossing out books left and right without abandon, sending literature straight past the horrified unicorn's head. "Something big's going to happen, and I have to stop it!"

"Pinkie! Get. Out!"

A purple aura enveloped Pinkie, before she was tossed out of the front door. She landed face-first into the dirt, with the door slamming shut behind her. Pinkie spat out a bit of grass as she got back up. "Well, I guess that was pretty mean of me. I can't fight a meanie-pants if I'm a meanie-pants!"

She quickly rebounded off towards the forest, hopping along the way. if she couldn't get to her stash, then she'd have to do it the good, old-fashioned Pinkie Pie way: with hugs and smiles! This particular meanie-pants had been very mean to many ponies, and Pinkie knew her heart would swell if she could convince him to see the truth. She just had to! He was a very nice pony, she was certain.

Pinkie continued bouncing through the forest even as the sunlight dimmed from the dense foliage, but she paid it no mind. She already giggled at the ghosties, so there were none here, and every animal avoided Pinkie Pie because of her spontaneity. None of them wanted to risk getting hit by the party cannon, with the exception of Gummy, who was usually shot from the cannon.

She stopped just before the gates to the old Castle of the Royal Sisters, looking up towards the sky. It was suspiciously cloudy and ominous, and Pinkie Pie knew that the meanie-pants within always attracted turbulent weather (much to annoyance of the weather pegasi), which meant that he was within. Pinkie steeled herself by placing a cupcake on her head before jumping inside.

"Holy moley, that's one big bomb!" Pinkie stood in the shadow of a gigantic ball of explosives, and squinted to get a better view through all the dust being blown up. She could see a figure just beneath the sphere, tying up ropes and bonding together fuse ends. "Aha! There you are, meanie-pants!"

"Pinkie Pie! We meet again!" Angry Pony stood up and glowered with a triumphant grin. "This time I'll win for good, you insidiously happy pony! With this bomb, I'll produce enough wind power to blow all the clouds in Equestria away! Everypony will have to endure the sun for months on end, while I enjoy the shade of my abode! Nopony will be able to go outside without feeling the uncomfortable heat on their fur! Ahahahahaha!"

"You monster!" Pinkie quickly snatched the cupcake on her head for a bite, before placing it back on. "I'll have you know that sunlight is actually very good for everypony! It'll be like summer again, and we'll all be swimming in pools and lakes!"

"You underestimate the discomfort caused by the sun, my little pony. For you see, it causes mild agitation, and profuse sweating! After nary a week of this weather, everypony will want to go inside, and then you will all have to sit around and do nothing!"

"How is this supposed to destroy Equestria?"

"Because, Pinkie, when everypony is inside, who is going to tend to the fields?" A lightning bolt struck behind Angry Pony, giving him an intimidating visage. "Everypony will starve, except for me! The shade will keep me alive!"

"That's a dumb thing to think, Angry Pony!" Pinkie put a hoof to her chin. "Why are you called Angry Pony, anyways?"

"Because my parents were fools, and they too shall suffer! Everypony will suffer!" Angry Pony stomped down on the detonator button, causing the bomb to rocket into the sky.

"Oh no! Think fast, Pinkie, think fast!" As she glanced around, she realized she still had the muffin on her head. She dashed forward and threw the muffin at the bomb's rocket boosters. The sugary frosting caused the inhibitors to go haywire, sending the bomb into the sky even faster.

"No! What are you doing?!" Angry Pony pounced at Pinkie, causing the two to roll down the stairs in a tussle.

"Hah! Take that, you meanie-pants! Maybe you'll stop being mean now!" Pinkie squirmed under Angry Pony's grasp, watching as the bomb flew far past the point of detonation.

"Why?! Why do you do these things to me?! Can't you see I'm just an angry pony, and I just want to hate everyone?!"

"Because, you're not really angry, Angry Pony! You're just slightly disgruntled! That's why your cutie mark's only a small flame instead of a large one! I should know, because I fought a really big meanie-pants once who had a campfire on his flank!"

"Then why do this for me, of all ponies? I know that you must hate me by now!" Angry Pony fell back on his tush with a melodramatic wave of the hoof to his forehead. "You make me feel the strangest emotions, Pinkie Pie, and I am not sure what to make of them."

"Follow your heart, Angry Pony! You know you can find it within you! Feel the happy!" Pinkie hugged the stallion, "I'm not letting go until you're slightly less mean!"

"I understand now, my dearest Pinkie." He looked into her eyes. "I understand that I've been misunderstanding my emotions for you!"

"You do?" Pinkie grinned at him. "Does that mean you like me now?"

"Nay, Pinkie Pie. I hate you less than any other pony! Now, kiss me!"

Angry Pony and Pinkie Pie held each other in their hooves as the bomb went off high in the atmosphere, sending a harmless breeze through the ruins as they locked lips and tongue, weaving through each others' mouths. They kissed as if there would be no tomorrow, and continued for a minute before breaking their contact, eyeing each other breathlessly.

"Does... does this mean you won't be a meanie-pants anymore?"

"Alas, Pinkie. It is my special talent. I hate everypony. But you, I hate just a bit less." He smiled a sultry smile at the party pony he held in his hooves, before kissing her lightly on the cheek. "But I will try, Pinkie. For you."

The party pony giggled. "Oh, you're such a romantic! I bet you read romance books all the time!"

"Indeed, I spent most of my time reading these books and wallowing in my own angst! It provides me much fuel for my hatred."

"Well don't you dare try any more of that angsty stuff, mister." She jumped up onto Angry Pony's back, patting him lightly on the head. "Your Auntie Pinkie Pie is here to soothe away all your troubles."

"Pinkie, I do believe I am at least a year older than you." Small pieces of debris began falling around them.

"Hey, you're right! How do you know that?"

"Well, I do recall when you first welcomed me into Ponyville that—"

Pinkie gasped. "Oh no!"

Angry Pony looked back at Pinkie, as he trotted out of the castle. "Is there a problem, Pinkie?"

Pinkie slouched down onto Angry Pony's back. "I forgot to put icing on the cake! Mrs. Cake is going to ground me! Or even worse, take the cherry-changa off the menu!"

Angry Pony only chuckled as he trotted back towards Ponyville. He hated Pinkie that much less, but he still kind of hated her. She was a pretty good kisser, though.