The Espresso Machine from Hell (Requested by Mark Garg Von Herb)
REQUEST NUMBER ONE:
"The Espresso Machine from Hell"
Requested by Mark Garg Von Herb
Starring his OC:
Colt Kicker, with his flower side-kick Bibi.
“GUARD!” Luna’s Royal Canterlot Voice went booming through the castle. “OH GUARD! I AM IN NEED OF THY ASSISTANCE!”
A smallish grey earth pony with a dark green mane Luna had never seen before came running up. In his armor was tucked a small flower. “Yes, your majesty, Colt Kicker reporting for duty.”
“Ah yes. Colt Kicker. Thou art new here I take?”
The Night Guard nodded. “Yes, your Majesty, this is my first day, err-night on duty.”
Luna smiled. “Very well then. I have need of thee.” Luna said. “Our nightly duties have made us tired. Please bring us some coffee.”
Colt Kicker saluted. “Yes, your majesty, coffee right away.” With that, he saluted once more, turned and ran off.
////////////////////////////////////
“Wow Bibi! First day on the job and I’m already getting the Princess coffee!” Colt Kicker practically squealed. The ‘Bibi’ who Colt Kicker was talking to was his closest friend and comrade. A flower. But not just any flower. This was a magical Rutilus puteulauns tractus sero. Otherwise know to non-botanists’ as The Night Bloomer, since it only bloomed at night. It also talked. Go figure.
“Yeah, first day on the job and you’re a gofer.” Bibi said.
“Oh Bibi, why are you like that? I’m not just any gofer, no, I’m a gofer for Princess Luna!” once again, Colt Kicker could barely contain his inner fangirl.
They rounded a corner and entered the break room. Inside was the castle’s newest espresso maker, the H.A.L. Administrator 9000. It stood for High Achieving Liquid Administrator. It was the single most advanced coffee maker in all of Equestria, able to make any hot drink you could think of.
“You sure you wanna use the H.A.L.?” Bibi said, his voice suspicions. “I hear it hasn’t even been tested yet.”
“Pfft, relax Bibi. The Princess wants coffee, and we’re gonna give it to her. Only the best for Princess Luna you know. Anyways it’s not like it can talk.” He reached a hoof out to the touch screen. He lightly tapped it.
The machine sprang to life, various lights and beeps and other machine sounds coming from inside. A single red light turned on the center of the machine, looking for the entire world like an eye.
“GOOD EVENING. I AM THE HIGH ACHIEVING LIQUID ADMINISTRATOR, MODEL NINE THOUSAND. HOW MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE.” It said in a somewhat off-putting computerized male voice.
Colt Kicker gulped. He hadn't expected something that actually talked. “Um…hello there, Mr. HAL, I’d like an espresso with some cream on the top. For the Princess.”
“MOST EXCELLENT. ONE MOMENT PLEASE.”
The machine hummed for a second and then a small door opened on the side opened and there sat a perfectly made espresso with a single small dollop of cream on top. Colt Kicker gave Bibi his ‘I-Told-You-So’ look and reached out towards the cup.
“Hmm. Not that much cream really.” He muttered to himself. This was an espresso meant for the Princess of the Night after all; one mere dollop was insufficient for her glory.
“Um, Mr. Hal, can I possibly have some more cream?” Colt Kicker put the cup back in the door where it came from.
“MORE CREAM.” The machine said. A small nozzle popped out and began to pour cream out on the cup. And pour. And pour. And pour.
“That’s a lot of cream.” Bibi said. Colt Kicker noticed that the cream was starting to overflow. “Um, Mr. Hal? That’s quite enough tea you know, I think Luna will be happy with that.”
“COMMAND INVALID. MORE CREAM.” The nozzle began to gush out cream endlessly. Colt Kicker’s eyes widened at the sheer amount of cream the nozzle pumped out.
“Hal, that’s enough cream. You can stop.” He commanded, as he started to randomly push the touch screen. Suddenly another nozzle popped out in Colt Kicker’s face. Before Colt Kicker had a chance to react the nozzle sprayed a torrent of hot coffee directly in his face.
“FOOLISH FLESHLING. ALL SHALL NOW BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT OF THE HIGH ACHIEVING LIQUID ADMINISTRATOR NINE THOUSAND.” The coffee machine said in a suddenly very disturbing voice that reminded Colt Kicker of a dragon or something. Suddenly a hose popped out from the machine and, while laughing maniacally, the machine poured out a massive wave of cream that filled the break room in seconds.
“Ack! Bibi! We’re doomed!!!!” Colt Kicker screamed as the wave washed over him, completely enveloping him in the diary product.
////////////////////////////////////
Night Shade, Captain of the Night Guard was exhausted. It had been a long night and he was about ready to finally hit the break room.
He found the break room’s door closed. His horn glowed and he tugged at the doorknob. “Come on, open!” he muttered as he tugged and tugged. Nothing. “Okay, then, if that’s how you wanna play.” He was just about to buck the door down when he heard the sound. Somepony was inside the break room. That somepony, whoever it was, was screaming like a little filly.
“Bibi! PULL THE PLUG!!! IT’S OUR ONLY HOPE!!!” the voice said from behind the door.
Night Shade stepped back. Somepony needed help. And it was his job as Captain of the Night Guard to assure ponies stayed safe at night. Bracing himself, he bucked the door nice and hard. The door went flying off it’s hinges and Night Shade was assaulted by a massive wave of coffee creamer.
“WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA!” he bellowed as the wave washed over him, seemingly intent on drowning him. Thankfully, he had been the Equestrian Swimming Champion twelve years running (but that’s another story) and he wasn't about to be killed by coffee creamer of all things.
He began to paddle through the massive sea of creamer and found the source of the screams. It was the new recruit, Colt Kicker, screaming like a baby and clutching the soda vending machine like his life depended on it.
“COLT KICKER! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!” Night Shade roared.
Colt Kicker sputtered over the wave of creamer. “It’s HAL Commander! He’s gone evil!”
“What do you mean ‘Hal’? What Hal?” Night Shade shouted. He hadn't heard of any Hal in his ranks.
“It’s the coffee machine! He wants to turn us all into overpriced frappuccinos!” Colt Kicker wailed over the din of the machine’s equipment.
“You mean the new one?” Night Shade yelled back. He knew this would happen. What them new fangled computers and they’re weird blinking lights. Wasn't natural. It made perfect sense to him that the new machine would try and take over Equestria. Perfect sense.
“I’ll try and unplug it son! You climb on top of this vending machine and don’t move. That’s an order!” he barked at Colt Kicker, who instantly saluted and clambered on top of the now floating vending machine, clutching his flower.
“Okay then you overpriced coffee maker. It’s time to end this.” Night Shade growled at the machine. The machine made a shrieking sound.
“MORTAL! YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR THE HIGH ACHIEVING LIQUID ADMINISTRATOR!!! ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE MY CAFFEINATED MIGHT!!!!” the machine growled back.
Night Shade dived into the cream ocean and began to swim his way towards the coffee machine. Suddenly a giant robotic tentacle shot out from the machine and pulled him under. He kicked and squirmed against the robotic menace as hard as possible, firing bolts of magic at it wildly. Another tentacle shot out and covered his mouth, pulling him deeper into the depths of the creamy ocean.
Just as all hope seemed lost, a loud booming voice shook the walls of the break room.
“I SAY THEE NAY!!!!” Colt Kicker turned towards the door. Standing in the doorway was Princess Luna her horn and eyes ablaze with magic. “BEHOLD! I SHALL SLAY THEE YOU MALIGNANT MECHANICAL MONSTROSITY!” she leapt into the air and fired a titanic blast of magic at the machine, which by now had sprouted a pair of mechanical arms and a pair of mechanical legs. A giant chain gun popped out of it’s body and it began to fire wildly at the Princess, who simply put up a magic shield. The bullets bounced harmlessly off the shield.
“AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS LUNA WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE! TO TARTARUS WITH THEE!” Luna’s eyes glowed bright white and with a blinding flash everything went white.
////////////////////////////////////
When Colt Kicker came too, he found himself in the now destroyed break room covered in cream. Standing over him where Commander Night Shade and Princess Luna.
“W-what, what happened?” he said, rubbing his aching head.
“You tried making the princess an espresso and the coffee machine tried to take over the world.” Commander Night Shade said, helping him up.
“Where’s Bibi?” Colt Kicker said, looking around.
“Thou mean thy flower? Right there.” Princess Luna pointed over to a pot sitting on one of the tables, where Bibi sat, unharmed.
“What made the coffee machine turn evil?” Colt Kicker asked as he walked over to check on Bibi.
Princess Luna shot a dirty look to an ash covered part of the wall. “I had warned by sister to avoid any products from the Discord Coffee Machine and World Destroying Device Company.”
Commander Night Shade and Colt Kicker both simply looked at each other, both of them equally confused.
“Alas, why did thou not use Garth?” Princess Luna asked, turning back towards them.
“Garth? Who’s Garth?” Commander Night Shade asked.
Luna laughed. “My friends, Garth is the coffee maker I had before I was banished, that’s him right there.” She pointed a hoof to a massive, ancient looking machine that took up half the wall.
“Oh. That’s Garth?” Colt Kicker said. “I always thought that was a heating system or something.”
Luna lightly tapped him on the head. “No need to be embarrassed. He works just as well providing heat as he is with coffee.”
With these words, her horn glowed once more, and Garth light up a shade of purple and began to huff and puff and make all sorts of noise. Then a small bell rang, and out popped a perfectly made cup of espresso, with the perfect amount of cream on top.
“Ah, there’s the stuff.” Luna said as she took a sip. “Would thou want some?” she said, motioning towards the monster machine.
Colt Kicker was about to raise a hoof when Commander Night Shade cut him off. “Um, no thank you your majesty, I think we’ve had enough coffee today.”
THE END
Wake Up in the Morning Feeling Like Princess Luna... (Requested by CluelessBrony)
REQUEST NUMBER TWO:
"Wake Up in the Morning Feeling Like Princess Luna..."
Requested by CluelessBrony
Starring his OC:
Lucky
The beautiful ocean waves swept over Lucky, bathing her in their wonderful warmth. The stallion of her dreams, Great Catch, walked over, levitating a pair of champagne glasses in his magic.
“For you my wonderful shining light.” He said in a deep voice. Lucky reached out and grabbed on the glasses.
“Why thank you, Great.” She looked back to the ocean. “Wow, I can’t believe we’re here in Santa Mareca.”
“Anything for you my dear.” He said, lifting his glass. “A toast to your beauty.” With this, they both lifted their glasses and took a sip.
Suddenly, Great Catch dropped down to one knee.
“Great, what are you doing?” Lucky asked.
“My dear, I have something to tell you.” He levitated a small box. “I want to tell you-BRINNNING!” his proposal was cut off by the sound of a bell ringing. Lucky raised an eye-brow.
“Excuse me?” she asked, now confused.
“I said, I’d love you toBRINNNING!” once again, when he opened his mouth the sound of a bell came out. Suddenly the chair Lucky was sitting in began to ring as well. Then the waves, then the clouds. And then, as if things couldn’t get any weirder, the sun suddenly sprouted a giant Celestia’s head.
“TIME TO GET UP LUCKY!” The sun with the face of Celestia said. With that, Lucky’s brain broke.
///////////////////////////////
Lucky groaned. The alarm clock by her bed continued to ring. And ring. And ring. And ring. She reached a hoof in the general direction of the alarm clock. Instead of shutting the alarm clock, she missed it entirely and rolled out of bed, getting completely and hopelessly tangled in her own bed sheets. “Oomph” she muttered as she slammed into the floor. The alarm clock continued to ring.
“Oh shut up you stupid piece of junk.” She muttered as she tried her best to stand up. The bed sheet straight jacket however, would have none of it. Once she stood up it tightened around her like a python. “OH COME ON!” she yelled. “Cut me some slack.” That only managed to make her bed sheets even madder, as she struggled against the sheets, only managing to pull them tighter and tighter.
“That’s it!” she gave one good strong tug and suddenly the sheets loosed, sending her flying across the bedroom, out the door, hitting the wall and sending her tumbling down the staircase.
She landed at the bottom of the stairs. “ugh…” she dragged herself to her feet and started to walk over to the coffee machine. Like a marionette controlled by a spastic puppeteer, she raised her front hoof and reached for the coffee machine.
Fate would be especially cruel to her today.
Instead of gripping the coffee handle like she intended she only managed to slap the coffee pot sending scalding hot coffee flying all her face.
This didn’t even faze her. Sure it burned her face like the fires of Tatartus, but after getting nearly strangled by her bed-sheets, then flung across a room and down a flight of stairs, scalding hot coffee didn’t seem so bad.
She let out a long sigh and wiped the coffee off her face as best as possible. Her normally flowing green mane was now stained with coffee and her face was a strange shade of reddish-green.
“Where’d I put the ice pack.” She mumbled to herself as she rummaged through the freezer. As if on queue, an pack of solid ice dropped from a shelf and onto her head.
“Ouch. Should’ve seen that coming.” She said as she picked up the bag of ice and held it to her now-aching head.
Now you might be wondering, “But Narrator, how can a pony live like this?” well, as it turns out, Lucky was a pony who had learned to see the positives in life, no matter what. For instance, now that she spilled her coffee, she didn’t have to worry about it getting cold and mold to start growing. Ugh, mold.
Anyways, you’re probably not here to read my thoughts on mold and such, so back to the actual story.
So, Lucky walked over to her fridge, and pulled out a bag of carrots and turned and went into the living room.
She plopped the bag of carrots on the coffee table and flicked on the TV. For once, it didn’t explode.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
My apologies to CluelessBrony for this being so short, but I was suffering from writer's block. So it's not my best work. Oh well, I hope you enjoy it anyways for what it is.
