The Pointlessness of it all

by Regidar

Rating: mature
Tags: Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Sex, Random, Human
Length: 1274

Becuase you know, why not?

Lyra tries to win the affection of a human.

Why?

Because I can.

Published 2012-11-08 04:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-08 04:30:01 UTC

I Quit

Elijah sat on the bed, thumbing through an old copy of “Beastiality Weekly”. This was the issue in which Henrietta, his favorite Bulgarian crossdresser was licking sweaty vagina of a pig. Elijah liked the Bulgarian’s unique hairy tongue.

A faint knocking was heard on the other side of his door, but it was probably just the neighbor having sex with his daughter again; It was going to be her sixth birthday soon, she was becoming a young woman.

Speaking of sex, Elijah had his cheeto covered hand shoved down his pants, fumbling with his cock. That hairy Bulgarian man tongue against the supple pig vagina was turning him on faster than he turned on his computer when he needed to look at ponies.

As if on cue, the door smashed in upon itself.

“God damnit, Tyrone, I’ll pay you next month! I don’t have any-” Elijah looked up to see that there was a turquoise pony standing in the hallway, covered mane to hoof in black leather.

“ELIJAH, YOU’RE GONNA FUCK ME!” Lyra screamed, smiling inanely.

Elijah pondered this for a moment. Coming to his conclusion, he told Lyra.

“No.”

Lyra’s face fell, and she left the room. Elijah went back to attempting to masterbate to pig vagina.

A few moments later, the back end of the stained mattress Elijah slept every night began to wobble. Looking down, he saw that Lyra was laying there, sans leather, and adorned in pants.

“Come on, Big Boy. Lyra needs some human lovin’!”

Elijah shoved Lyra away with his stanky, unwashed feet. “No, god dammit! Now let me jack off!”

Elijah’s foot hit Lyra’s snout, and she inhaled the scent deeply. Her tail swished back and forth, and she moaned, apparently pleased by the stench of foot odor, old onions, and toe jam. Elijah wrinkled his nose in disgust at this.

Lyra smiled, and licked Elijah’s foot. She gagged, and threw up a bit in her mouth, but still looked pleased throughout the whole ordeal. Elijah’s look of disgust grew with every passing moment.

“What the fuck, Lyra? Can’t you see I’m busy? Go away, ya bitch! I’m trying to masterbate!”

Lyra cocked her head. “Why not masterbate to me?” She flipped over, displaying her sopping wet marehood. It was so wet, in fact, that it had soaked the matress beneath her, and was beginning to pool on the floor.

Elijah stared blankly at Lyra’s vag, then threw his pillow at her. The pillow slapped wetly against the pony poontang, and caused Lyra to shiver in the throes of an orgasm.

Well. Elijah thought. That didn’t go as planned.

Lyra moved the pillow to the side, and slowly crawled her way up to the epitome of patheticism that lay before her. She tried to purr, but ended up growling in a very threatening way. Elijah felt his base instincts of shooting this creature with a gun and cooking it medium-well begin to stir up in his soul.

“So... I guess I’m just going to have to rape you then.” Elijah would normally be turned on, but it was him, not a five year old girl getting raped.

Lyra slapped her front hooves down on Elijah’s chest, and used her back hooves to buck off his pants. Fortunately, since Elijah was too poor to afford proper clothes, the pants were three sizes too small, and didn’t yield.

Lyra was only three feet high, and weighed at most 30 pounds. This proved very helpful for when Elijah decided to pick her up, and drop her out his window. The turquoise unicorn fell sixty-three stories before landing on a meth dealer.

Elijah took his wet pillow, and sniffed it.

“Ugh, it smells like crushed dreams, piss, and Lyra’s vag juice.”

Lyra’s fall was thankfully cushioned by the meth dealer, who was only trying to sell drugs to support his family. He was, of course, killed upon impact, and now lay in a bloody pool. Lyra had no time to deal with this, and began her long and horny ascent up sixty-three flights of stairs.

Upon reaching the outside of Elijah’s apartment, she heard the opening of elevator doors, and a creepy old man came stalking out, holding a lollipop.

“Hello there, little unicorn... want a-” the man licked his chapped, faded lips. “Lollipop?”

Lyra sighed, and rolled her disproportionately large eyes. “Fine, I’ll suck your dick...” Lyra tore off the man’s pants with her magic, and grabbed the shriveled phallus with one hoof.

“OH DEAR ALLAH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Lyra looked up, confused. Wasn’t it all that humans wanted? Sex?

“RAPE!” The man waddled away, pants at his ankles, and dived out of the open window, where he landed on the dead body of the meth dealer sixty-three stories below.

Lyra facehoofed, and opened the door to Elijah’s apartment. The boy had been doing his annual pushup, but had given up halfway to eat a twinkie dipped in lard.

“Oh, you again.” Elijah sighed, and picked up his crowbar. “Yeah, I’m gonna have to kill you now.”

Lyra smiled an evil smile. “This time, I came prepared, Elephant Dick!”

Lyra used her magic(which she honestly should have used in the first place) to shove Elijah’s face into her vag juice dispenser. Elijah’s screams were muffled by the slimy DNA dumpster. Lyra bit her lip as her eyes rolled up into her head.

“MMM... you really know how to please a mare...” Elijah cried softly into Lyra’s pussy. This is not how he thought he would die. He always imagine that he would go out peacefully in his sleep... or dying after getting beaten to death by seventeen Australian midgets behind a marshmallow warehouse in New Jersey.

Lyra shoved Elijah’s face harder against her reproductive organs, and began to gasp. Elijah began to gasp too, but for a different reason. He was slowly drowning in the sheer amount of Lyra fluids.

Lyra felt it coming. She knew what was next. And she had a feeling it would be the best experience of her life.

Elijah had never had a woman before. In fact, the only time he ever had sex was when the black man from The Rape Train had copulated with his ear. It was ok, but not the best.

This however... this was a nightmare. And somehow, he knew what was coming. He knew that his time of reckoning was at hand. He knew...

Lyra began to heave for air. The most fantastic orgasm of her life was about to hit her. She was gonna explode from sheer sexual energy. She knew it was coming, she knew-

Elijah’s eyes widened. For one brief moment, his life flashed before his eyes. It was like watching a very depressing toothpaste commercial sped up and put through a potato.

Elijah saw something more. For a second before the climax, Elijah saw the face of God in that turquoise pony pussy.

“Sarah Palin?”

And then Lyra came. The blast was so magnificent, that it detached Elijah’s head from his shoulders. In fact, it dissolved his head entirely. Lyra’s climax was so powerful, that is created a laser beam, which shot off through the walls of the impossibly high apartment building, into the sky, through the international space station, off the side of the moon, and right into the sun.

Nothing in the whole universe could withstand a direct hit from Lyra’s super condensed climax ray, and the sun’s nuclear mechanics degraded upon themselves, consuming the entire solar system. The whole solar system consumed the whole galaxy, and soon, the whole universe.

And everything was Nicolas Cage, and nothing hurt.