Nonagon's Ultra-Short Bite-Size Pony Fics

by Nonagon

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3899

One-note stories in bite-sized servings.

Ultra-short stories with friendship that's magic. Can you dig it?

Published 2012-11-08 10:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-12 01:41:39 UTC

To kick trees

Apple Bloom pressed her rear hooves against the tree. She tensed up as she had seen her siblings do a thousand times, then bucked out with all her strength. She hit the tree with a solid thud, but no apples fell. Instead of getting discouraged, Apple Bloom raised her legs a second time. With her friends cheering her on she bucked out again and again, harder and harder.

Nearby, Applejack lazed in a hammock. She pretended to be asleep, but kept one eye half-open. "Some day, little appleseed," she said quietly, a smile on her face. "Some day."

We're gonna need a bigger hat.

"Rarity, this has to stop," Twilight shouted through the boutique's door. "No grand prize can justify these extremes."

Rarity's voice came back, muffled. "It's all in good fun."

"No, it's not good fun when Fluttershy is literally lost inside one of your hats. Rainbow Dash went in to get her two days ago, and nopony's seen her since. Now take that off and help us fix this!"

"You're just overreacting! Now, I must be off. We'll talk once the fair's over." With that, the boutique lifted about two feet into the air and sauntered away, leaving the floor behind.

The birth of Pinkie Pie

"You can do it, sweetie." A greying stallion held his swollen wife's hoof, smiling supportively. "Just a little more."

The doctor nodded, peering down. "You're doing fine."

A tiny pink head peered up over the edge of the bed. "Who are we waiting for?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"Aaaaaaah!" screamed the doctor, jumping back.

"Aaaaaaah!" screamed Mr. Pie, falling over.

"Aaaaaaah!" screamed Mrs. Pie, passing out.

"Aaaaaaah!" screamed Fluttershy for no clear reason, who was scolded and sent to her room.

Pinkie Pie raised her tiny hooves in joy. "Surprise!"

Discorded Cloud Kicker

A mare lay on her back on a literally rolling purple hill. Her mane was arranged into needle-sharp spikes, some piercing through her ears. Her wings were on backwards, but she didn't mind because she wasn't using them at the moment. She watched giant edible storms drift by and glowered.

"I love clouds," she whispered, but didn't quite believe herself.

A human meets filly Rainbow Dash

The crackle of an interdimensional portal caught Fluttershy's ear. She looked up from her homework nervously, instinctively flattening herself against the cloudy floor. "Did you hear something?" she asked.

Rainbow Dash shrugged. She lay on her back with an action figure in one forehoof and a toy butterfly in the other, making whooshing noises as she waved them over her head. "Nah," she said after a pause.

Neither noticed the rather large hole that had appeared in the clouds outside until several hours later.

Nothing to worry about

"This won't hurt a bit," the doctor says as he lowers the needle. She trembles a little as it enters her leg, and while the doctor can see tears welling up in her eyes his encouraging smile doesn't change. "See? All done." He ruffles her mane and sends her limping out the door. "See you in six months."

Fluttershy is waiting outside, hiding a smile behind a newspaper. Rainbow Dash glares. "Don't. Say. Anything," she grunts, still limping.

The perfect Hearth's Warming gift

"Do not cry, my faithful student." Celestia approached Twilight Sparkle, gently lifting up her face with her wing. "I know you had the best of intentions, but you don't need to prove your love by showering me with gifts. Your love is already the greatest gift you could ever have given me, and I cherish it each and every day."

Twilight's eyes filled with tears. She strained to rest her head against her teacher's neck, and the pair embraced in front of the crackling fire. Then Twilight frowned. "You didn't get me anything either, did you?"

Celestia grinned. "Nope."

There are many like it, but this one is mine.

"Applejack, it's not worth it! You can get another one!" Rainbow Dash yelled down from above.

"Ah don't think you understand, Rainbow." Applejack dove for the fifth time, then thirty seconds later emerged with a brown shape in her mouth. She spat out water and flipped it onto her head. "This is mah hat."

A very difficult insurance claim

"In my defense," Twilight said, "this sort of thing is totally unprecedented."

The insurance agent was finding it difficult to keep a straight face. "So you never saw a problem with living in a wooden building, filled with paper products, with both a fire-breathing dragon and a baby phoenix?"

"And the explosive chemicals in the basement," Twilight added. "But we never had any problems before, honest."

"I see." The agent adjusted his glasses, then patted some glowing embers off his shoulders. "Even so, perhaps we should move elsewhere while we finish the forms for your balloon."

The lake of dreams

Scootaloo sat at the end of the pier, her tail twitching like a cat's. Her friends glanced at each other as she stared at the waters below. "School's almost starting," Apple Bloom said.

"I'll be there in a minute," Scootaloo said. A trout had come to rest beneath her, hovering in almost-clear water. It flew through the lake without even trying, its tiny wings even stubbier than her own.

She smiled and dove into the water, her forelegs spread wide.

The most fearsome creature in Equestria

"Sweetie Belle!" Rarity stomps her hoof. "Do hurry up! You're going to make us late."

"Coming!" Sweetie Belle pretends to be busy with her mane, sneaking a glance down the stairs. From behind Rarity, a pair of green eyes glare up at her. They both know what her sister doesn't: that a certain squeaky mouse is now dangling from the roof of Applejack's barn, and that no punishment from Rarity or Cheerilee can compare to what will happen if she doesn't find a way to get it back.

To the Moooooon

The Nightmare slumped against a moon rock, staring at the world above her. Her armor was in tatters, her flowing mane limp against the ground. Perhaps she's changed, she thought. Equestria is so pretty now. Maybe she will listen to me upon my return, and not cast me aside once again like an old—

With a faint pop, a ripe banana peel materialized and landed on the Nightmare's face. She growled and threw it away, onto the pile behind her. Her collection of half-eaten fruits, broken appliances, and scrolls with poor spelling now covered nearly half a square mile.

Oh my.

"Oh, my." Rarity tried to say more, but no more words would come. Her jaw dropped further and further as she stared at the sandy fragments littering her boutique. She began to turn even paler than usual. "Oh... my," she repeated.

"Rarity, I can explain!" Spike yelled. He stood up from the pile of what had once been immaculately cut jungle emeralds, more crystalline crumbs spilling from his lips. There was a long pause. He sighed. "Okay, I can't."

An infinite number of walls

The trio stare in confusion as Twilight cowers in the corner of the barn. "Is she... okay?" Spike asks.

"Ah think so." Applejack shrugs. "She just took one little knock to the head, and now she's like this."

"They're watching!" Twilight stammers.

Pinkie Pie sneaks closer. She ducks behind a haystack near her and emerges from one behind Twilight, leaning close. "Can you see them?" she whispers.

Twilight's eyes dart around wildly. "They're looking right at us!" she hisses.

Pinkie Pie nods. "Welcome, sister. We've been expecting you."

Meanwhile, in the alternate universe where Nightmare Moon won and Equestria was cast into eternal night

The Night Mare posed on her throne. She primped and preened and held up a mirror to her beautiful face. She couldn't see anything because the only source of light she allowed, the Moon, was frozen in the sky directly above her, meaning that no light shone through any of the windows in her grand castle.

She looked around, as usual seeing nopony, and exhaled a large quantity of air through her lips. "This sucks."

Meanwhile, in the alternate universe where Discord won and Equestria was thrown into eternal chaos

Suddenly, everything ground to a halt. Five mares lay scattered around the library.

"What just happened?" Fluttershy asked. Her mane faded from blue to pink.

"Nopony move!" Twilight yelled as her friends started to pick themselves up. Everypony froze. "If left long enough, a sufficiently random state of chaos may, by pure chance, return to one that almost exactly resembles order. If we wait, this might stabilize." She looked around sternly. "Don't say anything. Nopony do anything that might throw the balance off."

Then Pinkie Pie crashed through the wall in a tank.

Meanwhile, in the alternate universe where Bloomberg won and Equestria was launched into eternal apples

Bloomberg stood tall at the top of his hill. It was not itself a very big hill, but after he'd had the rest of Equestria flattened it was the largest hill there was. All around was his orchard. All was still and peaceful, save for the rustle of wind and occasional drop of an apple.

Reports came from earth and sky. The Devourers had been nearly cleansed from the Badlands and the icy north. Soon, his beautiful landscape of red, yellow and green would sweep unbroken across all of Equestria. Soon, all would be apples.

Life was good.

The moussetastrophe

"Look out, Rarity!" Pinkie Pie cried as her hoof slipped.

But it was too late. Momentarily, the most bubbly of baths would be in order.

Trapped for a thousand beers

"Go to your room!" Celestia yelled, pointing skyward. "And don't come down until you've drunk the whole thing!"

"And it took her that long?" Twilight gasped.

"What can I say?" Celestia shrugged, taking another sip of her wine. "If she hates alcohol so much, she shouldn't have tried to break into a brewery."

Y U NO UPDATE?

"I don't know, girls." Twilight sighed lazily. "Do you ever feel that we have these long stretches where, like, nothing happens?"

Applejack nodded, lying on her back. "We all do. Everyday work is fine, but sometimes Ah just wish something would–"

Pinkie Pie burst into the library, shaking excitedly. "You guys! There's a dragon fighting a sharktopus over at–"

"Not. Interested," everypony echoed.

For Great Justice

Rarity broke down in tears. "It's true!" she sobbed. "I did eat more than my share! It's all true!"

Twilight stood with her mouth open. "Pinkie," she asked, "did you spend the last three months working on this investigation just so you could eat the last cupcake?"

"Cupcakes, Twilight?" Pinkie replied. "I didn't do it for the cupcakes." She slipped on a pair of sunglasses. "I did it for... no, wait, you're right. That's exactly why I did it."

The Great Camping Trip Disaster

"Oh no!" Rarity cried as she swooned over the torn, emptied food bags. "We've nothing to eat! We'll starve!"

Wordlessly, the others gestured to the expanse of wild grasses, shrubs and flowers surrounding them.

Rarity turned a shade of green to match. "We'll starve," she repeated, a little more emphatically.

Horror Week, part 1: Pinkie Pie

"Cupcakes are done!" Pinkie Pie yelled, skipping towards the oven. She heard her friends running towards the kitchen at the sound of her voice.

With utmost care, she opened the door and used a mitt to pull out the first tray. She put it on the counter and turned to face her friends, smiling at the anticipation in their eyes. "One for everyone!" she announced happily.

She was still smiling when they fell upon her.

Horror Week, part 2: Rarity

Rarity fell to her knees, tears streaming down her face. "I'm so happy," she croaked out. "Please, take me away from here, and... and make me your princess."

"Like you mean it, Rarity," Blueblood said, adjusting his grip on Sweetie Belle. "Like you mean it."

"P-please," she whispered, looking up. "I... I love you."

Horror Week, part 3: Rainbow Dash

"Yaaah!" Rainbow Dash bolted awake, raising a leg to strike. "Get off me!"

With an unimpressed look, a hungry little caterpillar crawled off of her other hoof and onto the branch beneath her.

"Oh... heh." Chuckling in embarrassment, Dash lowered herself and resumed her nap, nestling into the weave of vines and branches coiling around her lower half.

Horror Week, part 4: Applejack

She could make it to the hospital faster if she jumped across the river.

She'd started running before the doctor had arrived; she'd seen the news in his face. There was no time.

She could make it faster if she jumped across the river.

Her lungs burned. Her body was so heavy. Her hooves slipped on the wet grass.

She could make it faster if she jumped.

The field stretched on forever.

She could make it to the hospital faster if she jumped across the river.

Horror Week, part 5: Fluttershy

"I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy."

Horror Week, part 7: Spike

"Forgive the intrusion, Spike," Princess Celestia said to the bored-looking dragon, "but I haven't heard from any of your friends in some time. I was becoming concerned."

Spike took a deep breath. "Pinkie got mugged by raccoons, Rarity's taken up theatre, Rainbow Dash fell asleep in a compost heap, Applejack missed her yearly checkup, Fluttershy's counting baby bunnies, and Twilight's been psychoanalyzing her mirror for six hours."

"Oh." Celestia sighed in relief. "An ordinary week, then."

"Pretty much, yeah."

Pinkie Pie and the Pun of Destiny

"But-"

"No buts, Pinkie," Twilight interrupted, throwing off her plum-shaped hat. Behind her, the others began to remove their own costumes. "I don't know how you talked us into getting this far, but dressing up like food to sneak past the dragon was a completely terrible idea. Now let's get this stuff off and think up something sensible."

"Twilight, you don't understand!" Pinkie Pie jumped up and down on floury hooves. "I was bread for this purpose!"

The Secret Ingredient

"Enjoy your milkshakes," Spike said as he handed the drinks out. "They've got a... secret ingredient, if you know what I mean."

Twilight stared as the dragon wiggled what, on a pony, would have been eyebrows. "Spike, are you still mad that we threw out your comic books? Because I already told you-"

"What?" Spike froze. "No! Sheesh, Twilight. I just meant that I made them with love."

"Oh... That's good to hear. Thank you, Spike." She took a sip.

"And also spiders."

Spike's Bad Day

"You know what I've learned?" Spike said. "Sometimes, when you wake up in the morning, you can just feel that it's going to be a bad day. But that's how life is. If you don't try to run from your problems and just do the best you can no matter what, even a really bad day can feel like it turned out all right."

"That's nice, Spike," Twilight replied as the dancing wolverines tightened their circle, "but it doesn't really help our current situation."

A Stinky Situation

"Well, well, well. Looks like it's time..." Pinkie Pie grinned and slid on a pair of sunglasses. "To take out the trash."

Mrs. Cake sighed and looked to her husband. "Does she have to say that every time?" she whispered as Pinkie Pie picked up the garbage bag and happily trotted out the back door.

If Wishes were Fishes

"Be careful, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie cautioned as they entered the glowing cave. "I'm telling you, wishes come true in here! Especially poorly-articulated ones!"

"Don't be silly," Twilight laughed. "If wishes were fishes, then-"

She was cut off as a tide of several tons of flapping fish knocked her off her hooves.

The Lighting of the Log

"Best Hearth's Warming ever!" Rainbow Dash cheered, settling down.

"It was nice to spend it in front of an actual hearth," Twilight agreed. "Speaking of which, the fire's getting a little low. Spike, could you-"

"I'm on it, Twilight!" Spike said eagerly. He took a deep breath in.

"No!" the others cried, surging forward.

Meanwhile, in Canterlot, Princess Celestia was just sitting down for dinner with Luna, when she heard a noise. She looked up-

Inverted Joke Week, part 1: Fluttershy

"Oh." Fluttershy looked down. "So when you said that I should come over quickly because you were covered in hot chicks..."

Rainbow Dash snorted. "What, you thought I was talking about toasty chickens or something?" she said, leaning back and allowing Lotus to feed her another grape.

Inverted Joke Week, part 2: Rainbow Dash

Rainbow Dash and Applejack walked out of a bar.

"What the hay did we do that for?" Rainbow demanded.

"Because you're drunk," Applejack reminded her, pushing her along, "and it's time to go home."

Inverted Joke Week, part 3: Applejack

"Alright, maybe Ah'm just not understandin' this right," said Applejack, reading the script, "but how in the hay are we supposed to un-beat a non-dead horse?"

"I'm afraid I don't know," Rarity concurred. "To be perfectly honest, I'm beginning to suspect that the theme for this week was not entirely thought through."

Inverted Joke Week, part 4: Rarity

"Tum tee tum tee tum." Pinkie Pie made neat little noises as she carefully pressed and folded her clothes. She packed all her supplies away, organized everything into lovely piles, and got everything onto her shelves. She stood back quietly and sighed in satisfaction, then frowned. "Wait, what was the joke again?" she said.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" Rarity screamed from elsewhere, covered in flour.

Inverted Joke Week, part 5: Pinkie Pie

"Oh no! Something unexpected is about to happen!" Twilight Sparkle cried, shielding herself against the floor.

"Yup," Applejack agreed. "Aaaaaany second now."

Nearby, Pinkie Pie was fixing a large hole in the wall.

Inverted Joke Week, part 6: Twilight Sparkle

Twilight's eyes widened in realization. "Wait a minute. If by this point in the sequence the joke itself is that the joke is inverted, doesn't that mean-"

Then Pinkie Pie crashed through the wall in a tank.

Inverted Joke Week, part 7: Spike

The parade was going splendidly. "This is amazing!" Spike exclaimed, accepting the flowers that pretty mares were handing him. "I'm completely happy, successful, and liked by everyone!"

Then he remembered what week it was, and his face dropped. "Wait, does that mean that it's my life that's the-"

Yup.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

The Consequences of Not Checking the Mail

"Twilight?" Spike poked his head through the door. "There's a letter here saying you haven't paid the hydra bill in three months."

"Oh, those things? I threw them away. Come on, Spike, they have to be con artists if they don't even know that the word is-"

There were six simultaneous roars from outside.

"...Twilight?"

"I hate this town."

Meanwhile, in the alternate universe where Nonagon won and Equestria was plunged into eternal fanfics

"Wait, you can't do this!" Nonagon protested, pointing desperately to the top of the page. "The title says I won! You can't-"

"Metafics suck," Twilight Sparkle said. Then she hit him with an explosion of rainbow light, blasting him away until he was nothing but a distant twinkle in the sky.

The End?

"Um..." Pinkie Pie scratched her head. "Since we vanquished Nonagon, does that mean the story's over?"

"The story's never over, Pinkie," Twilight assured her. "Not so long as we have each other. As long as these stories remain, and as long as there are people who will remember them, there will always be more adventures for us to go on. Time can bring any one story to an end, but the magic of friendship can never-"

"Time's up," said Rarity.

"Oh, for the love of

I wasn't prepared for this

Spike cowered. "Isn't this a little excessive?" he said.

"No!" Twilight's voice was tinny. "Do you have any idea what kind of crazy things everyone's going to throw at me now that catchphrase is out? 'Gee, I bet you weren't prepared for this!'" The last gigantic slab of power armor slid into place. "Well, I'll show them! I have power! Knowledge! Visual filters! Whatever totally unexpected situation comes my way, I will be prepared!"

Spike waited. Twilight didn't move. "Is it working?"

Twilight sighed. "I need to pee."

Then Pinkie Pie crashed through the wall in a tank.

Daring Do and the Adventure of Awesome

Daring Do triple-flipped her way through the spikes of the temple's last room and busted out the rickety door just seconds before the avalanche hit. "That was a close one," she said coolly, dusting off her wings. She smiled at her partner. "But I couldn't have done it without you–"

"Rainbow Dash?" Twilight Sparkle glanced over her friend's shoulder. "What are you writing?"

"Nothing!" Dash blurted, slamming her notebook shut.

Horror Week, part 6: Twilight Sparkle

"When I was little," she starts, "I used to have nightmares about social situations. Now I have bad dreams about being alone."

She sits up, tugging the bedsheets around her. "It's funny, really. Before I had friends, I always secretly thought that everyone but me was just a fancy toy that stopped moving when I wasn't watching. These days, it's the opposite. Sometimes I wonder if I even exist if I'm not being observed. But that's just me being silly."

Her eyes never leave yours.

The Pink Punmaster Returns

"I dread to ask," Twilight said in exasperation, "but Pinkie, why, on the eve of the Ponyville athletics tournament, are you causing inconvenience and injury by stealing everypony's staircases?"

"Oh..." Pinkie Pie sat smugly on her throne of stairs, folding her forelegs in front of her. "Just taking steps to ensure my victory."

The other draconequus

"Give up, Discord!" Twilight Sparkle yelled, her friends gathered around her. "There's no escape this time!"

"Hm?" The draconequus turned around, a twinkle in his eye. He started to laugh, not menacingly, but jovially. "Oh, I'm afraid you must have me confused with somepony else." He extended a paw and a smile. "I'm Discourse, spirit of communication and mutual understanding. If we can just sit down and talk about this, I'm sure that-"

"Get him!" Applejack yelled.

Whatever the draconequus was about to say next was cut off by a barrage of cupcakes, custard balloons and lightly-toasted pastries.

Little Bakery of Horrors

"Pinkie?" Twilight Sparkle stomped her hoof impatiently as she yelled upstairs. "It's not polite to not keep appointments!"

In the basement, Pinkie Pie shivered against the side of an oversized mixing bowl. "But she's my friend," she mumbled.

"Think how many more friends you will have when my glory shines across Equestria!" the World's Largest Custard insisted. A thin pink glaze bubbled and cracked across its surface.

Gummy blinked, but said nothing.