Open Wide and Say "Aaaah"
The sun shone brightly across the lands of Equestria. Birds sang from the trees dotted along the streets of Canterlot. Ponies could be seen coming and going from various shops among the upper district. Foals trailed after their parents, asking for various toys or treats that they spied through shop windows. All in all, it was a fairly common day for the citizens of Equestria’s shining capitol.
However, one building did manage to catch the attention of passers-by. It was not the building’s flashy sign or wares that drew everypony’s attention, but rather the ominous black storm-cloud that was perched directly atop it. Occasionally, it would rumble with a burst of thunder. None of the city’s pegasi had placed it there, nor could they manage to move the threatening cloud out of the city.
Foals stood beneath their parents, eager for any protection they could garner from the malicious structure. Their pre-existing fear of this establishment served as the foundation for the nightmares that the occupants of such a facility could inflict.
“Mommy,” asked one foal, her words coming shakily as she looked up at the mare she trusted above all others. “Do we have to visit Dr. Cogate today?”
Inside the dentist’s office, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna sat in the waiting room. Luna had her hooves crossed before her with her head resting on them, a scowl etched into her features as she glared at the far wall. Celestia had picked up a copy of Hoof Beat that sat on one of the tables and was quietly reading it while munching on a banana.
“Tia, remind us again why thou hast dragged us here. In the middle of the day no less.”
The elder princess gave a soft sigh before answering her sister, not bothering to look away from her magazine. “I told you, Luna, the dentist has to check your teeth. You’ve been gone for a thousand years; who knows what all that time munching on moon rocks has done to your smile.”
Luna’s scowl deepened as righteous fury filled her. Thunder could be heard from outside as the princess of the night turned her gaze on her sister. If looks could kill, spiders would have crawled out of Celestia’s ears and devoured her on the spot. As it was, she was stuck glaring at Celestia, the elder princess’ smirk practically glowing through her magazine.
“Our teeth are just fine, Tia. We have never needed to have our teeth inspected in the past, why the sudden urgency?”
“Many advances have been made in the field of oral hygiene over the past few centuries, Luna. To prevent tooth decay and gum disease, one must visit a dentist to prevent such problems before they can set in.” Celestia answered in a long-suffering tone, having been through this conversation at least once a week for the past month leading up to this appointment.
“But why would a doctor even want to work on somepony’s mouth? It’s so...unclean.”
“Well, Luna, somepony has to do it. Besides, if that is their special talent, then who are we to judge?”
Just as Luna opened her mouth to voice another complaint, a bubbly voice piped up from the doorway that led back to the dentist’s office proper.
“Princess Luna, you can come on back.”
Giving one last groan, Luna rose from her seat and followed the assistant back. “Very well; the sooner we get started, the sooner we can leave this place.”
Whatever Princess Luna had been preparing herself for mentally, it certainly wasn’t what she was put through next. The dental assistant sat Luna down and told her to open and close her mouth. Each time she did so, a chunk of plastic was shoved into the orifice, followed by a quick flash of magic from the unicorn.
Shortly afterwards, she was whisked off to another room and told to sit down and wait for the doctor. As she sat in the office and looked around, she couldn’t help but notice some of the things there. On one of the desks sat what appeared to be a mold of a pony’s top and bottom jaw, though half of it appeared to be black and rotted. The princess cringed at the thought of that inside somepony’s mouth and turned away, only to come face to face with an even more horrifying display.
Before her sat what appeared to be the tools of the trade; not for one in a medical profession, but for those of a pony whose special talent resided in causing untold amounts of pain. The princess’ eyes shrank to pinpricks as she could only imagine what a pony could do with such devices. In that split-second that her thoughts ran wild, Luna came to one simple conclusion:
‘Oh BUCK this!’
Just as she was about to rise from the chair and make a break for freedom, a periwinkle mare with a two-toned white and blue mane came in and stood beside the terrified princess.
“Good afternoon, Princess Luna! It’s truly an honor to get to work on the royal mouth. I’m Dr. Colgate.”
Luna extended a slightly shaking hoof to the grinning mare, unable to help but notice the unicorn’s flawless smile even through her fear of the impending ‘treatment.’ “A p-pleasure to meet thee, doctor, but...”
“Oh please, Princess,” the unicorn interrupted, completely oblivious to the breach in etiquette. “Just call me Colgate.”
“Very well, Colgate, but really, our mouth feels fine. We shouldn’t take up any more of thy time.”
Princess Luna tried to lift herself from the chair, only to find Colgate putting a hoof on her shoulder and pressing her back down. ‘My, isn’t she the bold one,’ Luna thought as she looked up at the smiling dentist.
“Nonsense, Princess. Everypony needs to have their teeth checked regularly, and you’ve been gone for a thousand years. You’re overdue. Now don’t worry, I know everypony makes the dentist out to be a monster akin to Nightmare Moon...”
As soon as the words were uttered, both of her forehooves shot to her mouth to cover it as the blood drained from her face. Princess Luna’s eyes narrowed at the dentist as she attempted to stammer out an apology. “Oh Goddess, I’m so so so sorry, Princess! It was a slip of the tongue! I just-mpph”
The blue mare was promptly silenced by a hoof over her mouth, courtesy of the princess. Luna simply sighed as she removed it and stared down at her lap. “Be still, Colgate; we know thou meant no offense with thy comment. Still, we would appreciate it if thou could mind thy tongue in the future.”
Colgate smiled meekly at the princess and nodded. “O-of course, Princess. Shall we get started?”
“We suppose,” Luna answered with a sigh.
“Very well, how often would you say you brush?”
“Brush what?” Luna asked, cocking her head to the side.
“Why, your teeth, of course! Surely you didn’t think I meant your mane,” Colgate said with a good-natured laugh.
“Why would we need to brush them?”
Colgate quickly stopped laughing at this and set her gaze upon the princess, her attention now set to full-dentist mode. “To keep them clean and to give you fresh breath, of course!”
Recognition washed over Luna’s features upon hearing this. “Oh! Well for that we drink tea at night, and in the mornings a bit of white wine, followed by a few mint leaves.”
Colgate could feel her eye beginning to twitch at the mention of such outdated practices. “That’s, um...nice, Princess. How often would you say that you floss?”
“Pray tell, what is floss?”
The dentist’s jaw flapped open and shut a few times as she attempted to formulate her disjointed thoughts into a coherent whole. After a few moments, Colgate admitted defeat in the endeavor and walked into the hall without a word. Once out of the room, the dentist placed a hoof gently against her forehead and took a few calming breaths.
‘Relax, Colgate, you’ve done this before. Just treat the princess the same as any other foal who doesn’t know any better...a foal that hasn’t brushed her teeth once in over a millenium.’
Colgate shuddered at such a thought. Whatever awaited her within that treatment room, she knew immediately that it wasn’t going to be pleasant. Hell, given the option, she’d rather give Twilight Sparkle another root canal.
‘No! I am Colgate Fluorine Minuette, and if Princess Luna needs her teeth cleaned, then I am the pony for the job!’
“Pearly White, cancel the rest of my appointments today! I have a royal mouth to clean!”
The dentist’s assistant/receptionist gave a mock salute before rushing off. Colgate turned back to the princess of the night, who was now trying to appear as small as possible in a futile attempting to shield herself from the unicorn’s determined gaze.
“Alright, Princess, open wide and say ’Aaaah’.”
Celestia sat patiently in the waiting room, taking note of the white unicorn’s hurried motions behind the desk, though not putting any real thought towards her motives. Just as quickly as she had come, a note had appeared on the desk and she had disappeared once more into the back. With a quick flourish of magic, the note floated across the room and in front of Celestia’s curious gaze.
“Our sincerest apologies, but due to circumstances beyond our control, all appointments for today will have to be cancelled. If we are still here tomorrow, please come back to reschedule at your convenience. We appreciate your patronage and hope that you have a wonderful day.
Colgate’s Bright Whites.”
Before Celestia had a chance to react to the oddity of the message, a crack of lightning went off directly outside. So great was her surprise that the note was sent flying back across the room at such speed that it blew a number of papers from the assistant’s desk into the air. At the same moment, a shriek of unadulterated pain issued from the back room. Daring to hope for the best, Celestia walked across the room and opened the door, only to be assaulted with a wall of sound.
“WHAT IST THOU TRYING TO DO, PULL OUR TEETH OUT?!”
“Princess, I’m just scraping off all the plaque and tartar that you have built up around your gums. Don’t even get me started on the orthodontia we’re going to have to do to fix that overbite. Pearly, get me the Cavitron! We’ll be lucky if we can save them all!”
“KEEP THY HOOVES OUT OF OUR MOU-MMPH!!!”
“Pearly, try to keep her head still! I can’t work if she’s dancing all over the place like this!”
“On it boss!”
Having heard enough, Princess Celestia strode into the eye of the storm. Taking a moment to appraise the situation, she could see that Luna was truly putting up a fight for the two frazzled unicorns. Implements had been tossed across the room and embedded in the wall behind Colgate, and Pearly seemed to have a hoof-sized bruise showing on her cheek through her white coat. Celestia winced at the scene as she approached the dentist’s chair from behind and looked down upon her enraged sibling. The look upon the elder princess’ face was one of equal parts pity and disappointment, though it was met with only rage and indignation.
“Princess Celestia! I-I’m sorry for any distur...”
Colgate was silenced with a simple wave of Celestia’s gold-plated hoof and a smile. “It’s no fault of yours, I’m sure. I am aware that Princess Luna can be quite stubborn when it comes to her health. If it would help, I can restrain her and her magic to allow you both to work more effectively.”
Too stunned at the offer to properly respond, both dental professionals simply nodded in agreement with their beloved ruler. As the unicorns turned back towards their patient, a silent glance passed between the mares, thanking each other for their years of service and employment together.
At the mention of her sister’s willingness to aid her tormentors, Luna’s visage took up an additional emotion: betrayal. The night mare’s eyes narrowed upon her sister’s ever-composed features and swore to enact her revenge for such a blatant breach of the bonds of sisterhood.
“You can try, sister. You can try.”
Having been given the afternoon to themselves, Honor Bound and Razor Edge sat in their barracks with a stack of cards between them, each pony intently staring down the other. While being the personal guards of Celestia and Luna generally involved staying close by in case of trouble, Princess Celestia herself had told them to take the afternoon to themselves.
~~~~~
“You both know how much Luna and I appreciate your unwavering loyalty and dedicated service to the crown. However, I sincerely doubt we’ll be needing an armed escort for such a menial errand. I mean, we’re just going to get Luna’s teeth cleaned. How much trouble could we really get into?”
It was only by a sheer act of providence that Princess Celestia had her muzzle buried in a scroll detailing some trade agreement or other. As such, she was unaware of the armored hoof that Honor Bound had shoved, rather forcibly, into Razor Edge’s mouth as the charcoal pegasus prepared to answer the princess’ rhetorical question.
“Of course, your majesty. If you do have need of us, we are always at the ready.” Honor Bound gave a small nod in lieu of a proper bow with his response. Working as closely as they did to the princesses, it was rare that they observed all the proper etiquette, both for the princesses’ sake as well as their own efficiency.
Upon retrieving his hoof from his partner’s mouth and departing from Celestia’s study, Razor Edge stuck his tongue out and proceeded to rub it off with his fetlock. “You mind just using your magic for that next time, Honor? As much as I love having your hoof shoved in my mouth, armor polish doesn’t exactly have the best aftertaste.”
Honor Bound simply rolled his eyes as they took up their posts outside of Celestia’s door once more. “Maybe if you’d think before opening your mouth, Razor, you wouldn’t be so well-acquainted with it.”
Razor Edge gave a derisive snort in response. Taking up the mantle of a stone-faced guard once more, the pegasus blew a lock of grey mane out of his eyes before placing his helm atop his head. Honor Bound followed suit a moment later, his white coat and horn partially exposed while his two-toned blue mane stuck out the back of his own helm. The unicorn was the picture of indifference, the model of a perfect guard, the pinnacle of protection...for all of four seconds.
“So, Honor, you gonna take the over or under this time?”
~~~~~
Winning his third hand in a row, Honor Bound grinned at his partner and began to shuffle the cards once more. With a glance up at the clock on the wall, his grin grew just a little more satisfied. “I told you those two could go more than an hour without needing us. I’m telling you, Razor, the princesses only keep us on to keep those ‘noble’ ponies at bay.”
The pegasus chuckled at his partner’s assertion, taking a glance up at the clock as well. “They’ve still got ten minutes, Honor. You’re just hoping they make it so you don’t have to pay me those fifty bits.”
Honor Bound rolled his eyes as he began dealing the playing cards once more. “For crying out loud, Razor! They’re goddesses, they could just...I dunno, smash their enemies with the sun or something if they wanted to. Don’t you think that they could get by for five min-”
*SLAM*
“Honor Bound, Razor Edge, there you are!” Standing in the doorway was a notably out-of-breath squire, his white mane in complete disarray as it rested against his pale-blue coat. Razor Edge cocked an eyebrow at his partner before settling his gaze on the interloper of their rare moment of peace in what felt at times like a castle gone mad.
Hoping to chase off the colt, who appeared to be no more than a teen, the pegasus put on his most intimidating, soul crushing glare and stared directly into the young pony’s eyes. Given his generally laid back attitude, one would never suspect that Razor Edge could carry a visage more intimidating than thinly veiled contempt. However, when one’s job consists of standing still as a statue for hours on end, it allows for ample time to refine one’s glare into a true force of nature.
“You’d best have a damned good reason for kicking in our door, boy.”
The colt gulped audibly, his eyes doubling in size as his irises shrank to pinpricks. Color seemed to leech out of his coat entirely as he paled and shook beneath the guard’s deathly gaze. If anyone were to see him, they would swear he was staring into the gates of Tartarus itself. Just as it looked as if the colt were to run for his life, he took a breath and closed his eyes, ready to carry out his task, even if it meant bringing down the wrath of the royal guard upon him.
“T-t-t-the princesses are in danger! They’re down in the upper quarter’s s-s-shopping district, please hurry!”
The reaction that came next was possibly the last thing that the colt could have expected from such news. Not hearing any sounds that implied his impending doom, the squire peeked open an eye to see if he would survive the day or not. Razor Edge, who only a moment ago seemed to have been trying to murder the boy with his eyes alone, now had his hoof in his mouth in a poor attempt to stifle his laughter while watching his partner. Honor Bound, who had been silent up until now, had developed a noticeable twitch in one eye and was sitting stock still. In a matter of moments, the unicorn guard’s appearance shifted from shock, to frustration, to sheer and utter disbelief. Without another thought, Honor Bound’s horn ignited and grabbed the table before using both his magic and hooves to flip it and send it crashing into the far wall where it splintered upon impact.
“Oh come on!!!”
After a few minutes to compose themselves and don their armor and weapons, the two guards took off at a full gallop to aid their beloved diarchs. As they ran, Honor Bound kept up his royal guard visage, keeping silent as the grave while Razor Edge tried to make light of the situation and get a rise out of his partner.
“Did you see the look on that colt’s face? I swear, I thought he was about ready to piss himself!”
Honor Bound turned down an alley, his pegasus partner hot on his heels as they raced towards the ominous thundercloud that marked their destination. The unicorn maintained his silence for another twenty yards before cracking a grin and responding.
“I gotta admit, that was a mighty terrifying stare you gave him,” Honor Bound said with a slight pant as they emerged onto another street, the sun now starting to disappear behind the massive cloud formation. “Where’d you learn to get so intimidating anyway?”
“Pfft, you try spending your waking hours protecting a pony whose special talent is bringing about the dark of night and tell me it doesn’t rub off on you.”
Honor Bound let out a laugh at his partner’s claim. “Well, you should definitely put that to use the next time we have to deal with Prince......Blueblood?”
It was right about then that the two guards rounded the corner and came face to face with the building that would haunt their dreams for years to come. The guards both stared in awe at the transformation that had laid claim to what had once been called “The Premier Shopping Destination in all of Equestria.” The streets were bare, windows were boarded, doors locked and barred, and all the animals that had once called the trees and shrubs of the city home were now huddled in fear in a certain canary-coated mare’s cottage. The dentist’s office was shrouded in the blackest of shadows; the building itself appeared as if it wanted them to come closer so as to devour their very souls. The guards could only look on in wonder, curiosity, and just the faintest inklings of fear...oh, who were they kidding, those two were bucking horrified!
“So what do you think, Razor? A PKE surge so powerful that it caused a four-fold cross rip?”
“Not a chance, Honor, I’d recognize that magic anywhere. I’d say that Luna’s gone and turned the dentist’s office into a portal to a realm of nightmares.”
“Wasn’t it already one before Luna went in there?”
The guards shared an awkward laugh for a moment before the front door of the building burst open and a blue-coated unicorn mare came flying out, landing at the feet of the two guards.
“Ma’am! Are you alright? What happened in there?”
Colgate gave a cough before looking up at the two guards, her eyes full of fear and terrors too terrible to mention.
“W-we were just starting to put on Princess Luna’s braces...and then all Tartarus broke loose! It went dark and cold for a while, then it felt as if I was living inside my own nightmares, but they were all real! So many Sp-p-piders! And the clowns! I know I have a job to do, but it was all so horrible!”
The guards shared a worried look for a moment before looking back down at the quivering mare. Honor Bound placed a hoof on the mare’s shoulder and gave it a gentle rub, which seemed to calm her nerves somewhat. So occupied were they, none of the ponies noticed the shadow creeping across the ground towards Colgate’s hind legs. “It’s alright, miss. We’re here now, and we’re going to make sure that you’re safe.”
“T-thank you, sirs. If I could just get back to Princess Luna, I believe that I can finish installing her orthodontia, and this whole ordeal will be over. If you could just get me back to her, I could-AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”
Quick as a whip, the shadow of the office had grabbed the unsuspecting unicorn and dragged her back to the looming doorway. At the last second, her blue hooves grabbed onto the doorway and held off the inevitable. Staring straight at the guards, she called out what might have been her final words. “Tell my daughter....don’t forget to floss!”
As the shadows pulled her back into their realm, Honor Bound and Razor Edge stared slack-jawed into the abyss that their duty called upon them to charge into, ready to give their lives for their princesses and their country.
“Well, Honor Bound, I’ve got nothing, what about you?”
“Sorry, Razor, I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.”
“Well then, first one to piss themselves buys the drinks tonight.”
Before his partner could get another word in edgewise, Razor Edge attempted his fiercest battle cry as he charged headlong for the portal that his princesses lay beyond, his wingblades glinting in the lightning that flashed overhead. In truth, his battle cry came out more as a terrified yelp that was cut off the instant he crossed the threshold. Never one to let his friend face danger and certain doom alone, Honor Bound lived up to his name and charged after his friend, magic at the ready and polearm gripped firmly in his magical aura.
Ponies of all shapes and sizes watched as the two brave knights of the Royal Guard charged into the foreboding building, risking their own lives for Princess and Country. They watched, and they waited. From the outside, lightning flashes and the occasional scream were the only indication that there was still activity within. They waited, and waited, and waited some more. Pinkie Pie even showed up at one point with a lawn chair and a bag of popcorn.
Just as the sun was approaching the horizon, the screams of horror had faded away and the thunderhead that loomed overhead began to dissipate. The front door slowly creaked open, revealing an annoyed Princess Celestia, followed by an absolutely vehement Princess Luna. Had any mortal creature been unfortunate enough to receive the glare that was currently directed towards her dear sister, they would have surely turned to stone on the spot.
“Really, Luna, now was that so bad?”
“YES! Those ponies had their hooves inside our mouth! What more, they hath attached some form of metal torture device to our teeth that shall surely torment us to no end...and thou AIDED THEM! How couldst thou, Celestia? Doth the bonds of sisterhood mean nothing?” The lunar diarch gave a small whimper, though whether it was caused by the pain in her mouth or that of her heart, it was impossible to say.
Celestia gave a wearied sigh and placed a hoof against her forehead as she halted to look at her sister, lest she whine and moan the entire way back to the castle. “For the thousandth time, Luna, it is not a torture device. It is going to pull your teeth and straighten them so that I don’t have to look at that gap in your teeth and hear you whistle when you talk anymore.”
“Aha! Pulling teeth! We knew it, this is a torture device!”
Celestia merely groaned as she spread her wings and took off back towards the castle, Luna following close behind.
Everypony watched from behind their curtains and storefronts, waiting to see if their heroes would emerge victorious from the bowels of the realm of shadows and nightmares. Moments of tense anxiety passed as everypony watched with bated breath, fearing the worst. Suddenly, a slime-covered unicorn came staggering out of the doorway, leaning against his polearm for support. A moment later a pegasus limped out after him, wings dragging against the ground and leaving furrows where his wingblades cut into the dirt.
Their armor was battered and dented, patches of their coats appeared singed, and Honor Bound’s tail had nearly been removed entirely. Razor Edge was favoring his left foreleg, and a small trickle of blood could be seen dripping from underneath his armor. Ever so slowly, windows and doorways opened to reveal the ponies that had been sheltering within. The street was silent for a span of a few moments before a small cheer went up from somewhere within the crowd. Within moments, all of the stores had thrown their doors open as ponies rushed out to meet their saviors. The sound of cheering ponies and stomping hooves filled the air around the guards. It was almost too much to take in before a voice from behind drew everypony’s attention.
“Honor Bound!”
Pearly White launched out of the doorway and slammed into the unsuspecting guard, driving them both to the ground. The dental assistant threw her forlegs around the unicorn’s neck and began kissing him over and over.
“You -kiss- saved my -kiss- life! Thank you -kiss- Thank you -kiss- THANK YOU! -kiss-”
As Razor Edge watched his slime-coated partner and his extremely grateful damsel-formerly-in-distress, he couldn’t help but smirk as he watched his friend flounder helplessly under the assault. Honor Bound was normally the one to go home alone when they went out together, so the pegasus was happy to see his friend finally get some for once.
“Ahem.” Razor turned his head at the sound of a pony clearing her throat behind him, finding Colgate standing there with a smile of her own as she leaned slightly against the doorway of her office. “Thank you, umm..”
“Razor Edge, ma’am.”
Colgate gave a slight chuckle at his name, glancing to the blades still attached to his wings before continuing. “Razor Edge. You and your partner were both quite brave in there.”
While he was not one to go about bragging and lording his accomplishments over others, Razor Edge had to admit it was always nice to be appreciated for his work. “Just doing our duty, ma’am.”
The dentist giggled and rolled her eyes. “Oh stop with all that ‘ma’am’ nonsense, I can’t be that much older than you. Now shut up and kiss me!”
Without another word, Colgate took hold of the front of Razor Edge’s breastplate and pulled him in for a fiercely passionate kiss. After a few moments, the sapphire pony pulled away and smiled thoughtfully at her guard, giving her lips a slight lick.
“Hmm, slight spacing issues with the upper bicuspids, but we can fix that.”
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to anypony else but knownst to us, the royal pony sisters were meandering through the castle towards Luna’s chambers. It had been a long and trying day for both of them, and all either of them wanted to do was go to sleep and put it behind them. Before long they arrived at the ornate doorway to the lunar diarch’s royal bedchambers. The sisters exchanged a few small pleasantries before Luna cast her doors wide and retreated to her sanctuary. Just as she was about to seal her doors for the evening, Celestia called out to her beloved sister:
“Oh, and don’t forget, Luna, tomorrow you have your appointment with the gynecologist.”
