Bond's interestingly amazing journey to the land of the pone

by Assuming-Control

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Comedy
Length: 2367

James Bond is lost on the Equestria. Fun fun fun fun

James Bond, the biggest badass of people with big bad asses, winds up to Equestria. WHO KNOWS what he's gonna do there! I sure don't.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-11 23:59:59 UTC

1: Lemon party

Bond walked to the entrance of the forest. He looked around a bit at first, and called M.

“M, I’m here, any idea where he is in here?”, asked Bond pressing his earphone.

“The target is in the forest. Find the given person and eliminate him with, the weapon”, M replied.

“So I assume you don’t know better than me then. But, do you mean... the weapon?”, Asked Bond and felt his pocket where was weapon with nuclear bomb bullets in it.

“Yes, the weapon of nuclear bomb bullets! He is too big threat so we must nuclear him into nothingess”, said M harshly.

“Okay M, this sounds like about the stupidest idea you’ve had, but you’re the boss”, said Bond and walked deeper into forest where his target was supposed to reside.

When Bond was deeper in the forest, he looked around him, but he saw nothing but trees, but he saw a house, but it was just a mirage because he was so thirsty. “Damn I’m thirsty, I should drink from that pond which is in there. Hehe, James Pond...”, he thought and walked towards the pond which was filled with lemonade.

“Why is this pond filled with lemonade?”, he thought and looked to the pond.

But then enemy jumped on his back! The enemy grabbed him in the headlock, and said, “Bond, I am your target, I have plans to bomb America and Asia and Europe and Australia and Africa and North Pole”

“Why not South Pole?” Inquired Bond as he tried to struggle from the target’s grasp.

“Because they call me the penguin. Because of my stubby feet. I can’t bomb my fellows!”, he said and tightened his grab.

“I see!”. Then Bond noticed that the bad guy on his back had really stubby legs! He decided to use it for his advantage and leaned forwards lifting the attacker from ground.

“Oh nooooooo!”, said villain as his legs lift from the ground. Then Bond threw him on his back.

“Now I must kill you, Penguin!”, said Bond and took his nuclear bomb pistol!

“Nuclear bombs, my only weakness!” Yelled enemy when he saw the gun.

Bond fired his weapon at the guy, but the blast was so big that Bond flew backwards, into the pond of lemonade behind him. “How about that, the whole forest is on fire, I’m trapped.”, thought Bond as soon as he saw that the nuclear bomb had apparently lit the whole place on fire too. “I can see that this pond leads to some cave, it is my best bet for escape”, he thought and dove into the pond.

To skip all the boring bits, Bond came out of other pond to which the underwater cave led to. “M, where am I?”, he asked and pressed his earphone. it didn’t work because it was filled with lemonade. “hmm, it must be filled with lemonade”, he thought and walked forwards. He was very sticky because he was filled with lemonade too. But he wasn’t thirsty anymore.

After much walking he came to a village. It was filled with walking and talking ponies. “Huh, didn’t see that one coming.”, thought Bond.

“Hello sir, you don’t look like you’re from here”, said a purple unicorn who had appeared next to Bond, literally out of nothing.

“Ma'am, that’s racist.”, said bond with serious look on his face. “But no, I’m not. Name's Bond, James Bond. I have emerged from a pond made of pure lemonade, to which I escaped after exploding a nuclear bomb.”

“Huh, didn’t see that one coming.”, thought the purple unicorn. “Well, what do you plan doing here? You won’t explode our world too, will you?”

“No promises.”, said Bond and walked to the center of the village. “Take me to your leader, I have official business.”, he demanded and showed his badge

“Do you mean our Mayor”, asked Purple pony as she walked in front of Bond, James Bond.

“That’ll do.”

“Okay, I’m Twilight by the way, Twilight Sparkle. Just follow me”, she said with beaming smile, and trotted towards the city hall

Bond walked after her and checked Twi’s butt. “Not bad for an alien.”, he thought.

When they were walking towards city hall, a pink pony, out of nowhere again! “What are you? You’re not a pony, are you? You would be rather weird looking pony if you were one! Besides, I’ve never seen you before, you’re not from here, you’re new!”

“Is having prejudices really this common here, nice butt?” asked Bond without his face stirring.

“No! Pinkie, please shut up. Yeah he’s new. Bond, Pinkie, Pinkie, Bond. Now go fix your welcoming party already and leave him alone!”, grunted Twilight worried.

“Party? I have one right here!” She shouted and pulled away from Bond, who’s crotch she was licking. Because it was frosted with lemonade. Then she pulled a cart from her bottom. She pressed a button on it and confetti and party hats and trumpets and other party stuff flew around. “Welcome welcome welcome, a fine welc-!”, did Pinkie say before Twilight shoved a hoof in her mouth.

Bond adjusted the party hat that had landed on his head. “Can you fix martinis?”

The pink pony quickly waggled her head up and down gleefully, but after some thinking she shook her head from side to side, with hoof still in her mouth.

“Right, it’s three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it's ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel. Got it?”, explained Bond to the pony

The purple pony took her hoof out of Pinkie’s mouth, and asked Bond, “Weren’t we just in a rush mister Bond?”

“Relax, there’s always time for a drink, I’ll pay you too”, said Bond with a small smirk

“Fine, but not like she will accept any payment anyway”, she said and plopped her butt on the ground.

Pink pony was head first to the cart, “I don’t think I have those things. What are they exactly? I thought I had every kind of party equipment ready! I have lemons though, do you want lemons?”, said she in disbelief

“Boy am I glad you asked, because that line wasn’t just copied straight from wikipedia or something”, he said. “I’m not surprised you don’t have them, this is like an alien planet for me anyway”

“I’m not alien, I’m a pony!” Said the pink pony with a wide smile.

“Figures. If you’re a pony, can I ride you?”, he asked

“Oh mister Bond! We should get to know each other first!”, she said and threw herself in Bond’s arms.

Then Twilight jumped up and quickly interrupted Bond's response. “Bond! Didn’t you say you have official business with Mayor? You know, badges and all!”

“It’s not that busy.” He said. But after he turned and saw Twilight’s annoyed face, he added, “...but as they say, work before play”, and dropped the pony on his arms to the ground.

“Call me!”, shouted Pinkie after them as they continued their walk towards the city hall.

2: Going Commando

Bond wakes up in the middle of the street in the ponyville market. He notices someone had stolen his pants and left eyebrows. Twilight is standing next to him, looking at him as he stood up shaking his head, “What happened mister, you just fell on the ground and your pants disintegrated!”, exclaimed Twilight in confusion.

“Yeah, that’s standard procedure. Agents lost in mission have a chip in pants that teleport them back to base. They are made of very expensive and flexible polyester fiber. Bad day to go free balling. This is really weird though, disintegration shouldn’t have happened for many years to the future from last contact.”, explained Bond

“But, why don’t you have a similar chip as your pants?”, asked the pony puzzled.

“Well they aren’t cheap either of course. It would cost millions to get one for every agent”, said Bond. “But, where’s my eyebrows”, he asked feeling the place where they normally were.

“Oh, Pinkie wanted a memory of you when she remembered she doesn’t have a phone you could call”, said Twilight. “Why did you faint in the first place though?”

“I think I saw dragon. If I something am afraid of, it’s dragons. Luckily those don’t really exist. I can believe talking ponies but dragons, pssh, that’s pure madness and impossible thing to happen in so many levels.”

“Right!”, shouted the pony quickly. “But, who knows, maybe those do exist too, haha ha... anyway, let’s go see the mayor already!”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure they don’t. Like, if I really saw one, I would first piss my nonexistent pants and then butcher it. Then wear it’s skin as my cape and be constantly afraid of myself when I look in the mirror”, said Bond following Twilight.

She gulped.

“And here we are!”, she said as they stepped on the city hall’s porch.

“Thanks miss Sparkle. I think I can take it from here.”, Bond took Twi’s hoof and was going to kiss it as the sign of chivalry and such things that he represents, but it was a bit unsanitary from all the pond’s of mud and poo, so he just shook her hoof.

“Oh Bond, go already!”, she said and looked away to hide her blushed smile.

Bond still sent her blow kisses though, from the door of the city hall, before stepping in. Bitches love blow kisses.

Bond stepped into the very boring room, with a blue wall, and red pot, and green tree, and angular chair, and fan on the roof. Maybe I’m lazy, maybe I’m bad at explaining stuff, nevertheless you can use your imagination on this bit. And while you’re at it, imagine a very stereotypical looking secretary pony behind the desk on the opposite wall of the door.

“Good day...”, Bond checked her nameplate, “...miss, Honey Buns?”

“Don’t start, I’m from a baker family.”, she replied indignantly. “What do you want, whatever you are?”

“U-huh, hospitality obviously not being the trait that got you the job. I need to see the mayor, love. Anyway, here’s my badge, urgent stuff.”, he said a bit impatient.

She took the badge, and inspects it in his hand. James Bond. Secret service agent. So secret we won’t even say it’s name here. It’s totally not because we wouldn’t remember the name right now, and we were too lazy to check it from wikipedia or something., it read. “I haven’t heard about any kind of secret service, mister Bond.” she said giving him a cold look behind her glasses

“that’s what makes it so secret ma’am”, he said smiling and leaning a bit forwards.

“Listen wise guy...!”, secretary said, before screams could be heard from mayor’s office. “Everything alright Mayor?”, she asked clicking on the intercom.

“She’s screaming in there, what do you thin is she alright!”, Shouted Bond and ran to the door of the office, and pulling the pistol from his inside pocket.

“Just calm down sir”, the secretary pony said, before Bond kicked the Mayor’s office’s door in. “Great, I can guess who’s gonna get blamed for that...”, she thought.

As Bond stormed the office, he saw Mayor lying on her table. She was looking at him with a mix of confused and terrified.”What is the problem ma’am!”, he shouted searching the room with the tip of his pistol.

“M-m-mouse.” Said Mayor without her face moving from it’s previous state.

“Mouse?”, asked Bond. “Like, with some kind of weapon, with ability to talk and wear clothes and such like you and pretty much everyone else I’ve seen here, kinda mouse?”

“No, no just a mouse”, she said pointing at the direction she saw the mouse last, without breaking his eye contact on Bond.

“Oh... well yeah, mice are, pretty badass too. No probs there”, he said and put the pistol back on it’s place

“Uhh, mister Bond James wanted to see you, claims to be agent or something”, said the secretary from office’s door.

“Right, thank you Honey”, said Mayor as she sat back behind her desk

“also, just gonna randomly put it out there, for no reason whatsoever, that I got my paperwork finished early today”, said the secretary.

“Nice Buns!”, complimented Mayor.

(Author is really sorry for that terrible joke)

“Now, what brings you here, agent Bond, was it?”, asked Mayor, finally giving a smile to the pantless visitor.

Then they proceeded to make sweet, tender love. Or they would have if Bond babes wouldn’t need to be even about the same age as Bond himself. Guess he never was much into older women. Or then he just rarely meets women differing from his age group at his job. Except for M, he could totally tap her. Though, dunno what purpose shagging her would serve, since it’s not like Bond would need to get closer to her, being on the same side and all.

Oh, right, the story, ahem: Then Bond told the story so far to the Mayor, and Mayor said that she doesn’t know how to help with that. But she adds that Bond could meet the local librarian, who also happens to be Princess's student.

“Twilight Sparkle is her name, you can see her house there on the map, the big inhabited tree”, Mayor explained

“Ah, I met her already. But, could you help me with another problem. I’d need to find a tailor. As you can perceive, my donger is dangling for all to see.”, Bond explains.

“Isn’t it supposed to? Huh, well Rarity has a clothing store, even though I said that it would be crazy in community which is naked almost all the time”, said Mayor, walking to the city map next to Bond. “This house here, you can’t miss it.”

“Right, it was a pleasure ma’am.”, said Bond and lifted his imaginary hat, as he walked out of the door.

“Please, be so kind that you don’t let the door to hit you on your way out, who knows if you’d revenge and mutilate another door for us”, said the secretary pony behind her desk.