Free to Good Home: Talking Pony

Chapters

Luck Gone Bad
"You're Fired!"
Car Goes Bye-Bye
Where Did My Cutie Mark Go?
Separation Issues and a Chance Encounter
Agent of Chaos?
Oops
Escape from Chaos
The Problem is This...
True to his word

Luck Gone Bad

So there I was -- sitting on the floor, on my haunches. I had only waken up as Twilight Sparkle just four or five hours earlier, and my two year old step-granddaughter had broken the horn off my head. I was in tears, contemplating what the loss of my ability to use magic would mean for my future.

"Brenda, grab the broken horn from her, and put it on my head where it should be -- I hope I can mend it," I said through my sobs. I was wondering if I might be lucky enough to make it work.

"Okay, Mike, I'll give it a try," she responded. She placed the horn, rotating it until it fit snugly in the spot where it had been broken off. I concentrated as hard as I could, screwing my eyes shut, a look of grim determination on my face.

"Come on, come on, come on...please...please...please...come on..." I kept saying, over and over again. I couldn't feel anything except the warmth of Brenda's hand on my forehead, holding the broken horn tight against it. I kept on concentrating, trying to force magic through it, trying to mend the broken horn. I must have spent a good ten minutes trying to do this.

"Samantha, you know you shouldn't have done that!" Xaviera admonished her, raising a hand to ...

"Xaviera! Don't you even think of trying to hit her! She's only two years old!" Brenda said, quite sternly. Xaviera gave her mama a dirty look in response.

"Sorry," Samantha said, looking as though she were about to start crying herself.

"Mike, is it working?" asked Brenda.

"I don't know. Release your grip on my horn, I think it might have worked," I said, trying to be as optimistic as possible, given the circumstances. Brenda released her hand, and my broken horn fell off my head onto the kitchen floor. I started openly sobbing, tears streaming from my eyes. Terrible visions filled my mind, and I didn't know what to do.

"Did you say something about Princess Celestia?" Brenda asked me.

"I don't know how to contact her," I said. "Only SHE could help me, and she's in Equestria, not here. Without my horn, I can't use magic, and without that, I don't know what to do."

An awkward silence filled the kitchen where all five of us were sitting or standing around. Xaviera took her daughters downstairs to watch TV. I continued to stare at my broken horn on the floor, wishing to have it healed back. Tears continued to run down my muzzle. Brenda came over to me, and held me for several minutes. I allowed her this, as I was unsure of how to proceed.

"What about the car?" Brenda asked. "You said you fixed it earlier," she offered, trying to give me some hope.

"Key's in my pants pocket, upstairs." I went upstairs to our bedroom, where I had taken off my pants the previous evening, sliding them under our bed. I tried to fish the key out, but my hooves were to big for the pockets, so I grabbed them in my teeth, turning them upside-down, allowing the keys and my pocket change to empty onto the hardwood bedroom floor. They bounced under the bed, and I slid them out using my right fore-leg. I picked them up in my teeth, and started to walk to the stairs back down to the main level. In my haste to get to the car, I fell down the stairs head over tail, landing with a sickening crack as I fell hard on my left rear leg, fracturing it in three places. I screamed out in pain as I tried to get on all fours again, trying to put as little weight as possible on that broken leg. Fresh tears streamed from my eyes once again, and I was seriously wondering just how much worse things were going to get.

"Mike! What happened?" Brenda asked, almost frantic upon hearing my scream.

"My leg! I think I broke it! Aaah! It HURTS!" I shouted through my next round of sobbing. The car keys had slid into the kitchen under the table. "Brenda! Can you get the keys? They're under the kitchen table! Please!"

Brenda hurried down the stairs, grabbed the car keys, and opened the front door for me. She held it open as I gingerly stepped onto the front porch and made my way to the car. I noticed a slight change in paint color, from black to dark blue. I stared at the driver's door wondering how I was going to open it, and worse still, how I was going to get into it with a broken leg, let alone drive the damned thing...

Brenda unlocked the doors with the fob, and opened the driver's door for me. She put the key in the ignition and started the car. I looked at the driver's seat, and decided that using my fore-legs for some balance, I would try to hop into the car using my right rear leg. "This is going to hurt," I thought. I hopped into the driver's seat and ended up putting weight on my left flank, which made me cry out in pain again.

"Acquiring voice data. Voice data acquired. Twilight Sparkle! How are we today?" asked the car's voice module.

"I fell down the stairs and broke my left rear leg," I said. I tried to maintain calmness through the pain.

"Scanning ... scanning ... scan complete. Preparing to heal," came the voice. The car started glowing purple, and enveloped me in a hazy purple aura. I felt the bone tissue in my left rear leg start knitting together, and the pain subsided.

"Brenda, you still have the broken horn piece?" I asked her.

"Hang on, I'll go get it," she said. She returned a moment later with the horn in her hand. Again, she placed it on my head.

"Hey car, you think you can heal my broken horn?" I asked her.

"One moment please. Scanning ... scanning ... scan complete. Preparing to heal..." and again a purple aura. Suddenly, a beeping alarm went off. "Safe mode activated. Safe mode active."

"What does that mean?" I asked, starting to get frightened.

"I am sorry, Twilight, but I cannot heal your broken horn. A fail-safe has been built in to prevent a feedback loop which could destroy me, or rip a hole in the space/time continuum which could destroy Earth AND Equestria," the car said.

"Car, I used to be a human until this morning. Can you transform me back into a human?" I asked.

"Yes. But not when I'm in safe mode," she said flatly.

"Why not? And how do I get you out of safe mode?" I asked, starting to panic.

"Safe mode override must be performed with magic from outside of me. Manual override of safe mode may be possible after driving a distance of 250,000 miles."

"WHAT? I don't have that much time! And I can't use magic with a broken horn!" I cried in frustration. The very real prospect of losing my job, my car, my house, and everything I have worked for seemed to overtake me in a wave of sadness. My eyes started welling up with new tears. "Is there anything you can do for me while in safe mode?"

"I can not perform ANY magic while in safe mode," came the voice from the car's voice module.

"Mike, I guess I'll have to find a different way to work," Brenda said. "Might as well throw away your broken horn, it's not going to do you any good now."

"Brenda! It's still a part of me! Please, don't throw it away! Maybe we could super-glue it back on?"

"I can give that a try, I guess." She turned the car off and put the key in her pocket. I was not going to be able to drive it anymore. We went back into the house. At least my broken leg had been healed.

"Okay, here's the glue, I'll just put a few drops on the broken edge and put it in place," Brenda said. She moved my forelock aside, revealing the break point. She applied a few drops to a few spots on the break and a few more to the bottom of the broken horn piece. She held it in place for several minutes, allowing the glue to bond the horn back. I tried to concentrate magic through the freshly glued horn, but nothing was working. My horn would not glow.

"Why's it not working?" I asked frantically. "Why won't it work? What am I going to do now?"

Brenda was already calling her daughters who had licenses, and her sisters, trying to make arrangements for her daily commute. Until this point, I had been the one to take her to work before driving to my workplace. Now the car was little more than an art object, nice to look at, but no longer practical, at least for me. Brenda's kinfolk would be allowed to drive my car, taking her wherever she needed to go. As for me, with no way of being able to do my job, I was going to end up losing the car as I had no way of being able to pay it off. I still owed $5000 against it, which was going to take another year and a half to finish paying for it. Maybe one of Brenda's kinfolk might be able to pay for it.

"Brenda, get my phone and call my boss and my supervisor so I can explain to them what has happened, please."

Brenda went upstairs and brought my phone to me. I looked at her and showed her my fore-legs, indicating I could not use it. She went through my contact list and called my boss first. She had to hold the phone to my ear so I could talk.

"Hey, Mike," said Dave. "What's going on? Why are you calling me on a Saturday?"

"I have some bad news, Dave," I said, forgetting I was still in Twilight's body and had her voice as well.

"Who is this?" he asked.

"Dave, this is Mike. I know I don't sound like him, but I woke up this morning in a different body," I said. He laughed hard for a few minutes. "Dave! I'm serious here! I'm not going to make it in on Monday!"

"Mike, if that's you, I'm expecting you to show up on Monday. If you don't, you will be fired." My ears dropped at this mention. I started to panic again.

"Dave! I don't know how long this is going to last! If I turn back to normal, I will be there on time. If not, I will call you."

"Well, Mike, if that's you, I sure hope you change back to normal, whatever that is. For my sake, as well as yours." The phone call ended at that point as he hit his off button on his phone.

"Brenda, please call Kevin for me," I pleaded. She dialed his number for me.

"Hey, Mike, what's up?" Kevin asked me.

"Kevin, I know I don't sound like Mike, but this is me. I woke up this morning in a different body, and I'm afraid I might not be able to make it in on Monday."

"Is that really you, Mike? You sound like a woman," he said.

"I am in a female body, but not a human one. If you can, google Twilight Sparkle, and you'll see what I look like," I said.

"You're kidding. You're kidding, right?" he asked, completely oblivious to the reference.

"I wish I were, Kevin, but I am for real. I woke up this morning in her body. To make matters worse, my magic ability is gone, so I am pretty much worthless at this point, except for the knowledge of my route," I tried explaining.

"If you're not in a human body, I can't help you. Have you talked to Dave about this?"

"Yes, but he told me if I don't come in on Monday, I'll be fired," I said, sounding quite dejected.

"Well, I hope your condition reverses itself before then," he said. "Otherwise, I won't have much of a choice but to terminate your employment with us."

"What am I going to do?" I asked him, wondering if he might have an answer of some sort. I felt more tears coming.

"I don't know, Mike, I'm afraid I can't help you." And then silence as he ended the call. I was beginning to lose hope now. Brenda folded up my phone and put it up. I had no one else to call -- not my brother, as I didn't have his number, nor my parents, who likewise had obtained new phones and never bothered to update me. My choice of marrying a woman of color had alienated everyone on my side of my family, and I wasn't really all that close to my wife's family, who only seemed to tolerate me at best. I was wondering how long I was going to stay in Twilight's body. I tried using my magic again. Nothing.

I spent the next few hours practicing going up and down the stairs to the lower level of the house, as there were only five steps leading down. I got pretty good at that, and started practicing going up and down the stairs leading to the upper level, as there were ten steps on that staircase. The clip-clop sounds my hooves made on the hardwood stairs and upstairs hallway got on everyone's nerves. They told me to please stop. Presently, Brenda finished cooking dinner.

"What do you want to eat, Mike?" she asked. She had cooked fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, and green beans. She always put bacon in the green beans, which was customary for African American culture. I couldn't get over that.

"Do we have any lettuce in the fridge?" I asked. "I'll have some mac 'n cheese, but none of the chicken or green beans."

"I'll check," she said. She pulled out the head of lettuce and pulled off about five or six leaves, putting them on a plate for me. She put some of the mac 'n cheese on the same plate.

"How about some tomato slices?"

Brenda cut a couple of slices out of a tomato. "You know that's for tacos, right?" she asked.

"You know I can't eat meat while I'm in this body, don't you?"

"I keep forgetting, Mike, I'm sorry." Brenda came over and patted me on my head. I didn't bother to admonish her, as this was probably the extent of any affection she might ever show me from here on out. I tried to smile, but couldn't. About the only expression that came across my face was a sad grimace. Depression was already starting to take hold. I ate silently and tried to enjoy the taste of my food, but I couldn't. Tears continued to stream from my eyes.

Xaviera and her kids went downstairs to avoid me. They turned on the TV and watched cartoons. After I finished eating, I went upstairs and got into bed. I was hoping that maybe by morning, I might be returned to my human body. Brenda came upstairs, got into her sleeping clothes, and turned on our TV. She watched FOX News, which bugged me.

"You know that's nothing but right-wing propaganda, right?" I asked her. She didn't bother to answer me. "Would you please change the channel, for my sake?" She said nothing, and changed the channel over to watch an older movie.
I laid down to try to sleep, tossing and turning, and eventually drifted off to sleep. I continued to cry in my sleep.

"Mike, will you please stop crying! You're making me sad!" Brenda said in exasperation. The alarm clock read 11:55 PM. "If you can't stop crying, please go into the basement to sleep."

I got out of bed, and took one of my pillows with me. I made my way down the stairs carefully, my hours of practice paying off. I pulled the pads off the Papasan chairs, laying them on the floor, putting one on top of the other. I put my pillow at one edge, and got a blanket to cover myself up. This actually felt more comfortable to me than sleeping in my bed. I think I cried myself to sleep again. My sleep came fitfully as I tossed and turned, still sobbing and crying, until falling asleep again. Eventually, dawn broke and the light coming in through the windows woke me up. I noticed I was still in Twilight's body.

"WHY? WHYYYYY?!?" I cried. Once again, I started sobbing uncontrollably. Brenda came down into the basement and tried to console me. I let her hold me again as she hugged me, trying to give me some comfort which wouldn't come. I tried to use magic, concentrating through my horn, hoping that maybe the glue might have helped it mend. My horn failed to glow at all, not even a pop or a fizzle. Nothing. Tears continued to flow from my eyes as I kept trying to use my magic. I felt so empty, I didn't know what to do. Brenda held me close to her for at least half an hour.

"I need to use the bathroom," I said weakly. My digestive system had made its demands known at this point. I went upstairs into the bathroom, and hopped backwards onto the toilet to relieve myself. I looked at the roll of toilet paper, and tried to use my hoof to pull some off and wad it into a ball. I had no idea of how well I was going to wipe my hindquarters.

"Brenda, can you help me please?" I asked. She came up, and took care of the matter, then washed her hands.

"I don't know how much longer I can put up with you being a helpless pony," she said, her frustration becoming evident. "I could hear you crying all night long, and I was unable to sleep with you braying like that." I hung my head, more tears. "Mike, you're going to have to stop feeling sorry for yourself! You have to do something!"

"What can I do? I have no hands, I have no magic, I am absolutely useless! I don't know how long I'm going to be stuck like this! We're going to lose the house, and I don't know what to do about it! That is why I keep crying! I don't know who to turn to! Do you?"

"No, Mike, I don't." She stood there in silence, trying to find other words to comfort me. Tears continued to stream down my face, and once again I started sobbing. The depression was crushing me already, and I didn't know how to deal with it.

"You're Fired!"

Today was Sunday, so at least I didn't have to work. Today's problem was that I usually do laundry on Sunday, but since I was still in Twilight's body and couldn't use my magic, I had no way of being able to take the laundry basket with dirty clothes in it to the laundromat nor did I have a way of putting the clothes into the washers or dryers. Brenda called up her oldest daughter Katrina and asked her to do the laundry for us. Since I was now in a pony's body I had no need for clothes, so Brenda's clothes were the only ones washed and dried. Katrina also drove Brenda to the grocery store to get food for dinner. There was no breakfast today. I continued to trot around the house trying to keep my mind occupied and trying to keep from falling further into depression. Xaviera and her kids did their best to avoid me again, either staying in their room sleeping or watching TV in our bedroom or the basement. I asked Brenda to put some water into a bowl so I could have something to drink. Watching TV held no interest for me, so I decided to get some more sleep. For dinner, I had some more lettuce and tomato. I wasn't in the mood for eating, but my stomach bothered me, letting me know I needed something. Every once in a while, I tried using magic again. It still wasn't working, and the day was getting late. I decided to sleep in the basement again.

The alarm went off at 5:20 AM, and I heard it from the basement. I was going to go upstairs to turn it off until I realized I was still in Twilight's body. Monday morning had come and I was still Twilight Sparkle. I tried using my magic again. Nothing.
My heart sank. I knew I was going to lose my job today and there wasn't anything I could do to stop that from happening.

Brenda got up and turned off the alarm. "Mike, why do you set it so damned early?" she asked from upstairs.

"Because that's normally the time I get up," I said. She heard me and cursed. She knew I hadn't changed back and now she was angry.

"Mike! Tell me you're not still in Twilight's body!" she demanded. I heard her stomping around on the hardwood floor.

I went upstairs and showed her that nothing had changed. Her expression was no longer friendly.

"Damn it, Mike! I was hoping this wouldn't happen! I can't pay all the bills on my job's pay! What are we going to do now?"

"I don't have any ideas, Brenda. I don't know."

"Can you use your magic?" she asked.

"I tried that already. Nothing's happening." My ears drooped again and I hung my head.

"Mario will be taking me to work today, and he will be needing the car keys," Brenda said. Mario is Katrina's husband and was presently unemployed. Looks like he might be using the car quite a bit if he can get a job and manage to pay for it. "What are you going to be doing today?" she asked me.

"I dunno, Brenda. I don't know what to do anymore."

"Do you want me to call Dave or Kevin?" she asked.

"It's too early to be calling them right now. They probably won't be awake for at least another hour or so."

"How are you going to answer your phone?"

"I don't know. I have tried using it, but my hooves just don't have the fine motor control that I would have if I had hands."

"So your phone is going to ring, and you won't be able to answer it. That's just unbelievable," she said. She stared at me as I started crying again. "Stop that!" she shouted. "That's not going to help you! I don't know why you think crying is going to help you accomplish anything but you need to stop! It's like you've turned into a little baby!"

Her words hurt me and I couldn't stop crying. It was as though the more frustrated I became the more I cried and she just couldn't take it. She took a shower and got dressed for work, brushing her teeth before she left. That reminded me that I needed to do that as well, but when I tried to use my toothbrush and put paste on it, the brush fell from my hoof onto the floor, getting the paste dirty. I turned on the tub and washed the brush off, then brushed my teeth the best I could with what little paste was left on the brush. I did okay but needed more practice. I rinsed my mouth under the flowing water from the tub tap. Mario came to the door, Brenda gave him the car keys, and then they left. I decided to go downstairs and sleep some more. The ringing of my phone woke me and I went back upstairs to the room where Xaviera and her kids slept.

"Xaviera! Can you answer my phone for me?" I asked. She was still asleep and couldn't hear me. I tapped at the door with my right fore-hoof, trying to wake her. I had to tap very loudly to get her attention. "Can you answer my phone for me, or call back whomever it was who tried to call me?" I asked. She got up and rubbed sleep from her eyes and got my phone. She hit a few buttons and handed me the phone. "I can't hold it, can you hold it for me?" She grumbled, and held the phone to my ear.

"Mike, why aren't you here?" asked Dave.

"Because I'm still in Twilight Sparkle's body," I responded. "I can't drive my car, and I still don't have use of my magic."

"Mike, you're fired." Click. The finality of the statement hit me like a ton of bricks. My face dropped.

"Mike, what happened? You look like someone just shot your dog," Xaviera said with some surprise.

"My boss just fired me," I said, and started crying again. I went downstairs and laid down on my makeshift bed, crying myself back to sleep. I was inconsolable at this point. My mind raced with all the possibilities of what the future had in store for me. "What more can happen?" I asked myself.

Dave came by our house about four hours after firing me. He pulled up in his car and knocked on the front door. Xaviera answered it.

"Who are you?" she asked. Her kids were behind her, watching with mild interest.

"Name's Dave. I'm Mike's boss and I'm here to collect his uniforms." I heard his voice, and got up to go upstairs from the basement. Dave saw me, and was shocked. "What ... what ... is this... who?"

"Dave, this is what I woke up as on Saturday morning, and I haven't been able to change back. This is what Twilight Sparkle looks like. I was able to use magic until this girl broke my horn off," I said, pointing an accusatory hoof at Samantha. She looked like she was about to cry as she hugged her mama's leg.

"Looks like it's not broken," Dave said, still not quite sure what to make of me in my pony form.

"That's because it's been glued back on, but I can't make magic flow from it -- I think it has to be fully mended before I can use magic again, and since the break hasn't healed yet, it's not working."

"How do you use magic if it works normally?"

"What I do is create a magic field around whatever it is I wish to levitate, then manipulate the field in whatever manner I wish. Kinda like this," I said, trying to imagine an aura around his body. My horn failed to glow. "Well, if it had worked, you would be enveloped in a purple aura. It's still not working, and I don't know when I will regain that ability."

"I'm sorry, but I still have to collect your uniforms. If you ever change back, we'll be happy to have you back with us, but until then, we can't have a talking pony on our property."

"Xaviera, can you get him a couple of black bags from under the kitchen sink? He's gonna need those." I was resigned to giving up my uniforms which constituted about half of the clothes I wore. She got two bags from the box, and gave them to Dave.

"Where are your uniforms?"

"Upstairs, clean ones are in the chest of drawers in the middle bedroom, dirty ones are in the room by the bathroom in a laundry basket." He went up and took as many as he could find, putting the clean ones into one bag and the dirty ones in the other bag. He took my uniform coat and jacket and three knit caps with our company logo on them.

"You have an Airborne Express knit cap? I haven't seen one of those in about ten years," Dave said. He left that behind.

"My wallet should be in the pocket of one of those pairs of pants," I said. He fished it out and tossed it to me. It hit me in the face.

"Ow, you didn't have to throw it at me," I said.

"Sorry, Mike, I wasn't trying to hit you with it," he said apologetically. He threw the bags down the stairs letting them plop onto the main level floor. I managed to dodge them before they hit me. He came downstairs and took each bag out to his car. "Okay Mike, that's all of them. Be seeing you. Good-bye and good luck," he offered almost too cheerfully.

I went back downstairs and laid down on what had now become my bed. Xaviera took her kids upstairs to lay in what used to be my bed and turned on the TV. I drifted off to sleep as best I could, bad dreams plaguing it.

Brenda came back home from work a few hours later and went downstairs to see how I was doing. She saw I hadn't changed back into a human yet and cursed under her breath. My fur was starting to get a bit matted and my mane and tail were looking quite unkempt. "Mike, you need to get in the bathroom and take a bath or something," she said. "Your sweat is starting to stink up the place."

"Can you help me with that? I don't have any shampoo for that," I said.

"I'll have Xaviera help you, I have to make dinner," she said with quite a bit of disgust in her voice. She went into the kitchen and got a pot out to make rice. I went upstairs to the bathroom.

"Xaviera, can you help me bathe?" I asked her. She grumbled, but obliged me. She turned on the shower and I got in, allowing my fur and hair to get wet. She took a bar of soap and a back-scrubber brush and soaped it up, then started soaping up my fur and mane with the brush. The water felt good against my body as it ran through my hair and fur, rinsing the soap out. "Can you use some shampoo on my tail?" I asked her. I think I may have been pushing my luck, but she went ahead and did it.

"You're a lot easier to wash than a dog," she said.

"Thanks, I guess," I said with resignation. When is the humiliation going to end? The combination of soap and water dissolved the bonded glue and the broken horn piece fell off again into the tub. I saw it and freaked out. "NOOOO! Not again!"

Xaviera saw the broken horn piece fall off again and grabbed it, setting it on the vanity. "I'll take care of that once we're finished in here," she said, trying to reassure me.

"Mike! What's wrong now?" came Brenda's voice from our room. She got up and went to the bathroom to see what had happened. She saw the broken horn piece on the bathroom vanity and turned around to go back into the room.

"My horn broke off again," I said to her turned back.

"I saw it," she said, not bothering to acknowledge my chagrin. She resumed watching TV.

Xaviera finished washing me and dried me off with a towel. She got the super-glue out again and glued my broken horn piece back on. I thanked her for doing this and went back downstairs to lay on my bed. Xaviera brought her kids downstairs to watch TV, making it difficult for me to fall asleep. Eventually she and her kids went back upstairs to sleep in their room. My sleep was still troubled, and I occasionally cried during some of the more disturbing dreams I had. Brenda woke me up and dragged my makeshift bed out to the car.

"If you can't stop braying, you're sleeping in the car tonight. And you will sleep in the car until I think you're ready to stop feeling sorry for yourself and sleep normally without crying all night long. Hopes and wishes will not make your magic come back, and you have to do something. If you can't, you're gonna have to find somewhere else to live." Brenda unlocked the car, put my bed in the back seat, and made me get in -- well, actually, she picked me up and put me in the car as well. She slammed the door shut, and locked the car on me, but not before activating the child lock so I couldn't get out through the back doors. Opening the front doors from the inside would set off the alarm, so I was stuck now sleeping in the back seat of my car. I think I cried more that night than any before. It got cold that night and it was difficult for me to keep warm.

Car Goes Bye-Bye

Mario came to take Brenda to work in the morning. I was still in the back seat, wrapped up in a blanket with two Papasan pads around me. I had fallen into the floor pans and was stuck, virtually unable to move. Mario and Brenda got into the car.

"Safe mode active," came a flat voice from the speakers.

"Brenda, why does the car say that?" Mario asked.

"Mike said the car went into safe mode when it tried to heal his broken horn," Brenda replied flatly. "It can't do any magic while it's in safe mode, and ... hey, Mike, you still in here?"

"I can't move," I said. "I'm stuck."

"Can't even leave you in the car overnight without having to help you," she said with quite a bit of contempt in her voice.

"Doesn't sound like Mike," Mario said. He turned around to see what was going on as Brenda pulled the pads off my body. I climbed back onto the back seat, and that's when Mario got his first glimpse of what I looked like now. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is that? That doesn't look a thing like Mike!"

"Mario, this is what I woke up as on Saturday morning," I said. "Yes, I am Mike, but woke up as Twilight Sparkle."

"Voice data confirmed. Good morning, Twilight Sparkle!" came a cheery sounding voice from the speakers.

"Jesus, Mike, why does the car think you're Twilight?" Brenda asked me.

"The car analyzes certain data and has those data in its on-board computers -- I did this when I was able to use magic, and so that's part of the car's abilities independent of its magic." Mario continued to stare at me.

"Mario, we have to hurry or I'm going to be late for work," Brenda said impatiently.

Mario backed the car out of the driveway a bit too quickly, not focusing on what was in the street behind us. The car slammed into a truck which had been parked on the wrong side of the street. The car's right rear quarter was pretty badly damaged by the hit. Mario had ignored the beeping proximity alert the car had been frantically giving.

"Mario, you idiot! You should have been paying attention to the road instead of staring at Mike!"

"Damn. You're not covered on my insurance," I said.

"Sorry, Mike." Mario pulled the car forward into the driveway and inspected the damage to the truck.

"Activating self-repair mode," came a sad sounding voice from the speakers. The car repaired the damage Mario had inflicted upon it, looking as though it had never happened. The truck, on the other hand, had a nice sized dent in the driver's door, along with a paint transfer. The truck was red, and a big navy blue streak was showing at one edge of the damage.

"Mike! I thought you said the car couldn't use magic!" Brenda said incredulously.

"Self-repair has priority over safe mode," I said. "It's a half fail-safe, independent of magic use. Same thing goes for auto-drive and max fuel economy."

"Auto-drive?"

"Allows the car to drive itself," I said, almost nonchalantly.

"Mario! Come on! I'm gonna be late!" Brenda called to him. Mario hurried back to the car and drove Brenda to work with me still in the back seat. It takes about 25 minutes to get Brenda to her workplace and today no words were spoken during that commute. Mario then went around to several different businesses to fill out applications to look for work.

Back at the house, our neighbor whose truck had been hit was inspecting the damage. He cursed his luck and drove the damaged truck to the police station to fill out an incident report. He was mad, and he was going to have his revenge.

Mario spent several hours driving around the city, stopping at quite a few businesses. I waited in the back seat, but was starting to get hungry and thirsty. When he got back in after filling out his fifth application, I asked him to stop by a gas station to get a cup of water for me and for him to put a straw in it to make it easier for me to drink. As far as food goes, I asked him to get a head of cabbage for me from a grocery store.

Presently, it was time to get Brenda from work. We got back home to see a police cruiser parked in front of our house.

"What do they want?" Brenda asked.

"I dunno, maybe it has something to do with this morning's little accident," I offered.

"I don't want to hear any more crap coming out of your mouth, Mike," Brenda said, contempt dripping from her words.

Mario pulled into the driveway. The officer got out of his car and walked up to the driver's side of the car.

"Did you hit a truck this morning?" the officer asked.

"Is there any damage to this car?" Mario asked in response. The officer looked at the car and noticed no damage to it.

"The guy across the street said someone hit his truck this morning. His truck was parked directly behind your driveway, and the paint transfer matches your vehicle's paint job. I don't know if it was your car that hit his truck, since there's no damage to your car, but it seems awfully suspicious that the paint matches so closely, and that his truck was parked directly in your backing path."

"Must have been somebody else, 'coz we didn't hit anything," Mario said.

"Well, we'll be keeping an eye on this place," the officer said before getting into the cruiser and driving off.

"Whew, that was close," Mario said as he heaved a sigh of relief.

"Thanks for keeping your mouth shut, Mike. You too, car," Brenda said flatly. Brenda took my makeshift bed back into the house throwing it into the basement. Mario went back to his house which was about half a mile away from ours. He would be coming back in the morning, and most likely, I would not be in the car this time. At least, I was hoping I would not be in the car.

I fixed my bed again and laid down. Xaviera and her kids were watching TV again. "When will they get tired of that?" I thought to myself. I tried focusing magic through my horn again, hoping that maybe this time it would work. Nothing.
Brenda went about cleaning the house and eventually fixed dinner again. My dinner consisted of more cabbage, some lettuce, tomato, and shredded cheddar cheese. I was served a bowl of cold water to drink. Brenda had fried chicken again, along with spaghetti in meat sauce. I remember eating her spaghetti, and mindlessly asked for some, forgetting the fact that ground beef had been added to the sauce. I regretted this mistake immediately, and spat out a mouthful of the stuff.

"You do that again, and you're cleaning it up!" Brenda said quite sternly.

"Sorry! I'm sorry! I forgot you put meat in it!" I said, trying to apologize effusively. I was wondering how much more of me she was going to tolerate, as I was seriously testing her patience. It made me wonder just how much she loved me, if ever.
After eating, I went to the bathroom to relieve myself once again. "Brenda, can you help me?" I asked.

"Have Xaviera do it for you!" she said, showing her exasperation at my helplessness. "This is not good," I thought.

Xaviera begrudgingly wiped my hindquarters with some toilet paper. "Mike, I can't do this any more!" she said.

"Thanks, Xaviera, I'm sorry I can't do it by myself. If I had magic, I wouldn't need anypony's help doing this," I said.

"You mean, any one's help," she said, giggling.

"I can't help it, it has a way of creeping into my speech pattern," I said, blushing a little. I went back downstairs to my bed and laid down for the night. I think I might have finally come to accept my current situation as I didn't cry that night. Sleep came a little more easily and my dreams did not interfere with my sleep this time.

A few more weeks of this routine passed and Brenda was starting to get a little exasperated. Mario had gone to several job interviews and finally got a job that paid fairly well. The car note had not been paid and the buy-here-pay-here dealership I got the car from made calls to my phone, which went unanswered, and then one of the employees had shown up to ask about payment.

"Xaviera, can you check my wallet to see if there's some money to pay this guy?" I asked her. She got my wallet and fished through it for money.

"It's empty," she said.

"Did you check all the pockets and pouches in it? There are a couple of places where I keep money tucked away in it."

"It's empty," she reiterated.

"Ask him how much longer they can wait for a payment. Ask if they can wait just two more weeks," I said.

"He says they can't wait any longer. If they don't get a payment tomorrow, they're gonna take the car away," she said.

"Tell him we will get him a payment tomorrow, then, please! I don't want to lose that car!" I was flabbergasted. Who had taken my money? Didn't they know I needed to make a payment? Didn't they know the dealer has little tolerance for missed payments? I was going to lose the car and all the progress I had made overcoming the depression of the past few weeks was about to be lost again.

"Xaviera, can you call your mama and let her know what's going on with the car?"

"She's still at work. You can tell her about this when she gets home."

"She's not gonna be happy at all about this," I said glumly. My ears drooped again.

It was several hours before Brenda and Mario made it back. I was compelled to tell Brenda about the car and asked her about the money missing from my wallet.

"I used that to buy food for the house," Brenda said. "Your final paycheck came from work. How are you going to cash it?"

"That's a good question. I don't have a bank account, and check cashing places require a photo ID. In my case, the photo doesn't match. I can't make my signature look the same as on my ID, so even if I sign it and make it payable to you, they might not cash it. I guess I can try that, though." I tried holding a pen between the frog of my right fore-hoof and the hoof enamel. I tried writing with the pen on a piece of paper. It looked like chicken-scratch. This is not going to work, I thought.

"Brenda, you sign my name and make it payable to yourself. Take it to your bank and cash it. The car dealership said they need a payment tomorrow or they are going to come take the car away."

"Mario has already gone home, and my bank closes in half an hour," Brenda said.

"Call him back quickly please, I don't want to lose the car!"

Brenda calls Mario and asks him to return. He shows up about fifteen minutes later and takes Brenda to her bank to cash the check.

"He needs to be here in person to verify paying his check to you," the teller told her.

"He gave me his personal authorization to cash his check," Brenda said. "We need to make a car payment, or the dealer's gonna repo the car."

"Sorry, Ma'am, but there are rules which must be followed. We cannot cash this check for you."

"Can I deposit it to my account, and take $150 out of my savings?"

"No, Ma'am, he has to be here in person to verify it," the teller reiterated. "Your savings account does not have that much money in it -- we transferred $80 to cover a check you had written to avoid an overdraft on your checking account."

"We need that money to make the car payment!" Brenda said with great frustration.

"Sorry, Ma'am. We can't help you."

"Come on, Mario, let's go somewhere else."

Mario and Brenda left the bank, and went to the local Wal-Mart to try cashing the check there. They wouldn't do it, since she didn't have my ID. Brenda tried a couple of different banks, but got the same story as the first bank. They couldn't cash my check and they didn't have enough money to cover the car payment. Brenda related this information to me, and my heart sank. Now I was going to lose my car.

Brenda and Mario tried to keep the repo man from showing up by keeping the car at his house, having him take her to work that way. But the following Saturday, the car was in front of our house, and the repo man came. The car was hauled away by a tow truck. Mario was to get his first check the following Friday, but that was going to be too late to pay for the car.
Brenda made some more phone calls to get her sister to take her to work and drop Mario off at his job. Katrina couldn't do it since she had to be at work at 5:00 AM. I watched in horror from the living room window as the car was hauled away. I cried myself to sleep again that night.

Brenda started having other men show up at the house, as she needed the comforting touch of a man, and since I was no longer one, I was relegated to the status of a house pet. My presence was just barely tolerated at this point, and my magic still had not returned. I was wondering if it ever would return again. There was one particular guy Brenda had invited over who absolutely detested my presence, especially after I brought the matter up to her. She told me to mind my business if I didn't want to be sent to the animal shelter. This guy would regularly beat me and kick me down the stairs for fun. I had to cower in the laundry room for my safety. I was lucky my horn didn't break off again from that abuse. When I told Brenda about this guy kicking me down the stairs, she didn't believe me.

"Alonzo would never do such a cruel thing!" she admonished me.

"Brenda, he kicked me down the stairs!" I sobbed. My body showed bruises in various places where he had punched me or kicked me with his boots.

"He makes enough money to pay the bills," she said. "I'm NOT going to lose the house just because YOU can't help me with the bills! You don't like it? You can go live in the shelter!"

I resigned myself to living in terror of Alonzo, never knowing if he was going to punch me out of spite or kick me again.
One night I got bold enough to tell him to stop abusing me. He chased me around the house until he cornered me in the laundry room. He kicked me until I started bleeding from my muzzle. I ran to the back door and told him to let me out. He did. I ran until I couldn't run any more. I don't know where I ended up, but I ran to the railroad tracks to catch a train.

I waited until a train came to a stop on the siding. I trotted to an open box car and using all my might hopped into it. I waited for a long time for the train to get going again, and took the ride to wherever it ended. The sky was overcast, and rain fell, wetting the floor of the open box car. I finally got off the train in a very large rail yard, with no idea as to where I was. All I knew is that this rail yard was the biggest one I had ever seen, and the city was very large as well. May have been Chicago or Memphis, but in either case, I was away from Alonzo.

I walked for a long distance getting hungry and thirsty as I traveled. I found various food places and tapped at the back doors of these in an effort to get food or water or something. Some employees were friendly and helped me with food and water, at least for a while. Getting sleep, on the other hoof, was difficult. I would try to find parks or apartment building vestibules or abandoned buildings for some degree of shelter, but keeping my body covered and warm was very hard. Finding places to relieve myself was almost as hard, as I was very self-conscious about relieving myself in public. I found myself crying most of the time, as keeping my fur, mane, and tail clean was virtually impossible, and trying to bathe was just as difficult. Sometimes I would let the rain try to wash off some of the dirt but that didn't work all that well.

Where Did My Cutie Mark Go?

The past few months had been very trying -- my stomach was constantly complaining about the lack of food intake, and the water I could get was sometimes of dubious quality at best. I would routinely walk the streets in a daze, unable to concentrate on anything except just trying to survive. I had a constant headache that wouldn't go away, and it always seemed like I had a cough or it was very hard to breathe. I had been attacked by dogs, cats, and various other feral wildlife. My right eye had sealed itself shut as a result of a bacterial infection, and a constant trickle of bad tasting liquid oozed from it. I was seriously wondering how wise my decision to run away from relative stability had been, but then again, I wasn't being assaulted by a sadistic human who seemed to delight in causing me as much pain as he wanted to inflict upon me.

It was one fateful morning when I awoke from a park bench under some newspapers I had dug from a trashbin that I felt something was missing from me. Somehow or other, I felt as though an essential part of me was missing. I got up, pain nagging at my left rear leg, and was shocked to see that my cutie mark was gone. It was just one more humiliating loss, perhaps the most fundamental one, which caused me to renew my cries of agony, loss, and despair. I walked the streets, tears openly streaming down my face, and found a highway bridge. I walked along one edge, the traffic whizzing by me at 70 mph or faster, right along the barrier guardrail. I walked halfway across the length of the bridge, readying myself to climb the barrier.

I looked down some hundred feet or so, to the river which flowed under this bridge. A great many thoughts ran through my head as I peered down to the swift current of the river, though trying to decide whether or not I should jump was the most dominant thought during those long moments. Ultimately, I got scared and got back down to the highway, slowly trotting back to the street leading to the highway. I was wondering what it was going to take to make me jump, but today was not the day for that. My will to live was strong enough to keep me from jumping.

This time.

I continued to walk the streets, trying to get food and water from whomever would give it to me. I did not keep track of time, as it no longer had any meaning to me. I had given up even trying to use magic, as I had convinced myself that I had ultimately lost that ability with the loss of my cutie mark, and resigned myself to trying to survive. I accidentally bumped into someone while I was walking, not paying attention to where I was going.

"Hey, you! Watch where you're going!" the person shouted at me in disgust.

"Sorry," I said meekly. At least, that's what I thought I had said. Instead, the noise that came out of my mouth was an odd-sounding braying noise. I started crying again, openly sobbing, and ran as fast as I could to whatever safety I could find. I couldn't believe I had actually lost my ability to talk!

Maybe I should find that bridge again...

I continued to walk around, lost and confused, my head still aching very badly, my teeth hurting just as badly. I was a mess. My fur was badly stained, matted, scarred, scratched, and in various places was missing altogether. My hindquarters were stained with a mix of urine and fecal matter, my inability to keep them clean had gotten me an infection that was threatening to overwhelm any sort of immune system defense my body could mount. I had a persistent cough that wouldn't go away, and my vision from my good eye was starting to deteriorate. Ultimately, I collapsed in an apartment building vestibule, completely exhausted, my face gaunt, my ribs protruding from my belly. I don't know how close to death I was, but I was willing to accept its embrace. I lost consciousness and suffered terrible visions and dreams.

"Oh my god! What is this?" someone asked. They had found my body, but I was unresponsive.

"Let's wash it off, I think I recognize the hair," someone else said. Some of the tell-tale pink and purple still showed through my badly matted mane and tail. Cockleburrs had gotten into them, and made it difficult for me to sleep comfortably.

They put me in a cage where they usually hose stray dogs off, and started hitting me with cold water from a garden hose. The water shocked me awake, but I was so weak from lack of nourishment I just lay there and turned my head with great effort to see who was doing this.

"Oh my GOD! It's Twilight Sparkle! What has happened to her?" one of the shelter employees shouted as he recognized my coat, mane and tail coloration. "We need to help her!"

They took me to an animal hospital and nursed me back to some semblance of health. This process took about two weeks of being hooked to an IV in a specialized bed. I spent those two weeks recuperating, unable to speak or move. The attention I was receiving was comforting and made me feel better than I had in nearly a year, if I had been paying attention to how much time had passed since I left what used to be my home. My head still hurt pretty badly, and so did my teeth. Having to eat whatever I could had taken a heavy toll on my body, and my inability to use magic had caused a buildup in my frontal lobe which gave me a nearly constant migraine. I didn't have a way to tell them this, though.

Eventually I was transferred back to an animal shelter, where I was placed in a cage reserved for large breed dogs, in a cluster of cages where other dogs were being held. Fortunately, I was in a no-kill shelter, but being caged up was starting to get to me. Some solid food had been brought to me, along with clean water.

"Th-th-thank you," I managed to croak out of my throat. Maybe I hadn't lost my ability to talk after all.

"What?! You can talk?" the shelter employee asked incredulously. His name tag read "Mark."

"Your name is Mark?" I asked him. My voice was still in bad shape, but the water was starting to help. I took a few gulps of water from the bowl.

"Yes, how did you..."

"I can read, you know, as well as talk."

"Well, if you don't mind my asking, who are you?"

"Once upon a time, I thought my name was Mike. Maybe I thought my name was Twilight Sparkle. Now ... I don't know any more," I said, sobbing once again. Tears flowed down my cheeks again. My infected eye had started to slowly heal, my vision through it still cloudy and blurry, but normal tears flowed from it. "My cutie mark is gone." More sobbing.

"My god, Twilight, what happened to you? And why did you think your name was Mike?"

"Long story. Once upon a time, I was a human. I woke to find myself in this body one day, and things went to hay after that. I don't even know if the woman I used to call my wife still lives in the house I used to call my home. One of her so-called friends abused me to the point that I ran away from what I used to call home. I hopped a train, and ended up here. I have been trying to find a good home ever since."

"Well, I wish I could take you home with me, but shelter employees are not permitted to adopt pets admitted to the shelter they work at," Mark said. "I would love to have you live with me, but I can't do it. I will try to help you as much as I can, though. Let me know what you need, and I will do my best to help you."

"My head hurts something terrible," I said. "Let me see if I can use magic, as I think a build-up of unspent magic is causing this migraine." I concentrated, trying to force magic through my horn again -- except, my horn was missing.

"You lost your horn," Mark said.

"What else is new," I said dejectedly. "Not the first time that's happened." I couldn't shed any more tears, I was all cried out. Still, the loss hurt, but didn't seem as serious, since I had already lost my cutie mark.

"I'm sorry, Twilight."

I was going to correct him, but at this point, I didn't care what anyone called me, as long as I was being treated nicely. Mark left and I lay down in my cage, the cold metal causing me a little discomfort. An older black and brown German Shepherd dog looked at me quizzically. I thought I might have heard him actually talk to me. Maybe it was my state of mental confusion.

"He called you Twilight," I heard a voice say. I looked in the direction of this voice, and it was indeed the dog talking to me.

"I didn't know you could talk," I said.

"Of course we can, Twilight. Some of us learned from our human masters," he said.

"Sex?" asked a brindle pit bull pup of about a year and a half in the cage next to mine.

"Don't mind him, he's still a pup," said the shepherd dog. His muzzle showed grey hairs, marking him as fairly mature.

"How old are you?" I asked him.

"About ten years," he said. "Name's Tin-Tin."

"Your master had a bad sense of humor," I said, smiling.

"I don't mind. At my age, I've seen everything. I have been here for quite a while, and most of the families looking to adopt take the younger dogs. I don't know how much longer they're gonna keep me here, but if they put me to sleep, I won't mind too much. I think I have lived long enough."

"I was about to jump off a bridge awhile back," I said.

"At least you were on the outside," he said. "I told you how old I am, how about you?"

"I don't know. I used to be a human some time back. I had 48 years back then," I said.

"WOW! You've lived a LONG time!" he barked and laughed.

"Yeah, I miss being human -- but I couldn't talk to animals and understand what they were saying back then."

"Try being a dog and not knowing what your master is trying to say to you. And they can't understand when you have certain needs and can't meet them because they won't open the door and let you out. Then they get mad at you because you took a dump on their brand new carpet and wiped your ass on it, to boot."

"Now I know what it means to be in your position," I said.

"You don't know the half of it," he said. "You might be in here for awhile if you're not lucky."

I slept on the metal floor of the cage, as they had not provided a mat for me. I was woken by an employee bringing food and water to me again. It was not Mark, though.

"Hey, can I have a mat, so I won't have to sleep on the metal floor of this cage?" I asked. The shelter employee shrieked when she heard me talk to her, and ran out of the area. She got her supervisor.

"What's this I hear about a talking dog?" the supervisor asked. His name tag said "John."

"Hey, John, over here. Look at the purple dog," I said. I chuckled softly at this.

"Well, well, well. A talking dog," he said. "You don't look like a dog, though."

"Actually, I'm supposed to be a unicorn," I said. "Are you familiar with My Little Pony?"

"My daughter watches that. You look kinda like Twilight Sparkle. I talked to Mark earlier today, and he asked me if he could take you to his place. I told him about the rules regarding employees and animals, but I might be able to pull a few strings here for you. I might be tempted to take you to my place, but I already have two dogs and a cat, and don't have room for another pet."

"Got a secret for ya, John -- I used to be a human," I told him.

"Yeah, right, and I was Clyde Barrow in my previous life," he grinned and laughed.

"Fine, fine. I will wait. And can I have a mat? The floor is cold," I said.

"Sure, just give me a second." He fetched a mat, and put it in the bottom of my cage. I slept in comfort now.

Separation Issues and a Chance Encounter

Mark was given the responsibility of caring for me at his place. John was a bit apprehensive of this, as it meant filling out extra paperwork to allow for a shelter employee to adopt a pet from the shelter at which he worked. I was happy to finally be leaving the shelter and followed Mark out to his blue Toyota Corolla. As I was taken out of my cage, I heard Tin-Tin say, "You lucky bitch," just before the cage access door was closed. I smiled at him and said "Sorry, Tin-Tin."

"What was that about?" asked Mark.

"Tin-Tin was jealous of my getting to leave," I said.

"Wait, you can understand what dogs say?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah, I can communicate with them. Where do you stay?"

"Up on the north side," he said. "Takes about 20 minutes to get there. I will try to drive carefully with you in the back." He buckled me in as best he could. I tried to enjoy the drive, but having been used to being in the driver's seat for so long, I grew restless.

"Can you open a window for me?" I asked. He obliged, and I felt the breeze blowing through my mane. It felt good. "Thanks," I said, smiling again. Fairly soon, we arrived at an apartment building. We took an elevator up to the eighth floor, and walked a fair piece to his apartment.

"Does your lease allow pets?" I asked.

"Well, not exactly," he said. "But if you behave yourself, I think it'll be okay." We reached his apartment's front door and he let me in. His girlfriend seemed excited to see me.

"Wow, look at that!" Mark's girlfriend said.

"Who's your lady friend, Mark?"

"Her name's Sarah, and we've been living together for about a year now," he said.

"Nice to meet you, Sarah, I believe you may call me Twilight," I said. At this point, trying to maintain a male human name was out of the question. I figured it would make more sense this way.

"Mark has been talking about you all week! I have been wanting to meet you ever since he said you made it to the shelter!"

"Well, here I am. I still need some time to recover from all the abuse I suffered over the past year, and would appreciate a bed of sorts to sleep on. I am still quite tired, and I have a nasty headache that won't go away," I said.

"What kind of food do you like?" she asked.

"Fruits and vegetables, no meat please, and please no dog food or cat food."

"Okay, I believe we can handle that. Is there anything you would need assistance with?"

"Well, bathing is a bit of an issue, as I don't have hands. So would be wiping my hindquarters clean."

"Hmmm. I guess we can deal with that when the time comes," Mark said, somewhat apprehensively.

It finally looked like some semblance of stability was returning to my life. I was allowed to sleep on the futon in the main room of the apartment, as Mark and Sarah slept in the one bedroom. Sarah gently placed the blanket over my body as I lay down to sleep. I hadn't been this comfortable in quite a while.

A new routine of sorts had started, and I was given help on practicing wiping myself after relieving myself. I got pretty good at this, and eventually no longer needed help with this matter. Sarah and Mark would take turns bathing me -- I think Mark enjoyed this perhaps a bit more than he should have, but I didn't mind all that much, as I was being given love and affection, something I hadn't received in a long time.

The peace and tranquility of my life lasted only a few weeks, as Mark grew bored and didn't want to handle the responsibility of meeting my needs. Both he and Sarah had full-time jobs, so I was left alone for hours at a stretch. Mark started staying out late with his friends, and coming in around 11 every night. Sometimes, he wouldn't show up at all. Sarah reached her limit, and left. Eventually, Mark got fed up and put me into his car, and drove south out of town. He turned onto South Casino Parkway just north of Tunica and dropped me off about a mile or so away from that cluster of casinos.

"Don't breathe a word of this to anybody, and DON'T go back to Memphis!" he shouted at me as he shoved me out of his car.

"This is not going to sit well with your boss," I said.

"He's not gonna find out. Maybe someone HERE can help you," he muttered and drove off. I stood there dumbfounded.

Abandoned again.

I trotted towards Fitzgerald's casino, hoping someone there might be able to help me. I didn't get all that far as I bumped into someone or something. I thought maybe I heard the sound of a leather jacket being zipped up, or maybe it was my imagination or my ears playing tricks on me. Then I heard a rather gravelly voice say something to me.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't ... Twi ..." he trailed off as he looked at me. He didn't seem to recognize me all that well.

I turned around to see who or what was talking to me. "Who the buck are you?" I asked bluntly. He looked like a mish-mash of various and sundry animal parts haphazardly put together. "Where the buck did you come from?"

"Um..." He took a moment to regain his composure. "I am Discord!" he said proudly.

"I don't get it," I said nonchalantly.

"No, I am Discord!" he reiterated.

"I still don't get it."

"I am the God of Chaos!" he shouted. I think I was starting to annoy him.

"Oh, so you're saying that you're the one who turned my bucking life upside-down?" I asked, poking him with my right fore-hoof.a few times. "Have you any idea of just what the buck I have gone through for the past year or so?"

"Um...no?" he said defensively, backing away from me as I continued to poke him, telling him just how miserable he made me.

"Everything I have worked for is GONE! Thanks to YOU! I have NOTHING left! My life has NO MEANING! You have bucking DESTROYED EVERYTHING I HAVE WORKED ALL MY LIFE TO ACCOMPLISH!" I continued to shout at him, poking him harder, pushing him back. He actually seemed to be afraid of me. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?"

"Um...sorry?"

"Oh, so you say you're sorry," I said, sarcasm dripping from my words. "THAT"S NOT GONNA CUT IT WITH ME!"

"Look, Twilight, I am really sorry I messed your life up like that. What do you want?"

"Reparations, you moron. What do you think I want?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

"Make me whole again, dummy!"

"Well, I see your horn is missing ... your cutie mark? That's gone too? When did that happen?"

"Some little brat broke my horn off more than a year ago, and my cutie mark left several months after that, since I can't use magic anymore."

Discord's expression was one of shock and surprise. Then a grin came across his face, shortly laughter came to him. He started rolling on the ground, laughing his head off.

"Discord! You think my misfortune is something uproariously hilarious? Why do you take such great delight in the misery of others?"

"I'm sorry, Twilight, but this is like a wish of mine coming true. I had wanted revenge against you, and the irony of you not being able to use magic struck me as being hysterically funny!" he said, still chuckling.

"I'M NOT TWILIGHT YOU BUCKING MORON!!" I poked him hard several times as I shouted this at him as loud as I could.

"Wait, you say you're not her? Who are you then?"

"I was a human until I woke up in Twilight's body more than a year ago! Ever since then, my life's gone to hay! And it's YOUR BUCKING FAULT!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," he said. "But I can help you. Here, let me restore your horn." He put his lion's paw on my forehead where my horn had broken off. Somehow or other, it grew back -- and very quickly at that. I felt magic tingling from it. "How'd you like to work for me?" He then asked.

"Doing what? Being a beast of burden for you? Or is it sex you want?"

"Heh. I might be tempted to take you up on the latter offer, but no, not yet. I have plans for you, and I want you to do some stuff for me. I will let you live in my lair, and your needs and desires will be catered to. Since I have already restored your horn, which normally would have taken several more years to grow back enough to let you use some magic, I believe you owe me a return favor."

"Maybe so, but you're the one who bucked my life up in the first place. Restoring my horn is just a start. If you want me to work for you, you need to make it worth my while."

"Let me put it like this, Twilight. I am the God of Chaos, and as easily as I restored your ability to use magic, I can take it away. I can make your previous experiences over the past year seem like paradise compared to what I could do to you. Don't take me lightly, I am far more powerful than you can imagine. So, I am making you an offer you can't refuse."

Agent of Chaos?

"You give me what I want, and I will give you what you want," I said, eyeing him a bit warily. His words sounded perhaps a bit too good to be true. I wasn't prepared for what happened next.

"Splendid, that's just what I wanted to hear," he said, flashing an evil smile. We teleported us back to his lair, and the experience was quite jarring, since he tended to unzip reality to travel and then zip it back up when he landed. I did not like what I saw in that intervening travel. Reminded me of some of the worst scenes from some of the most disturbing horror movies I had ever seen. Gave me goosebumps, it did.

We were now in Discord's "lair" if you wanted to call it that -- it happened to be the penthouse suite on the 86th floor of a high-rise in mid-town Manhattan. Wonderful view from the glass doors and windows, but very Spartan in its decor. The walls were bare, the floor had no carpeting, just linoleum tile, and no artwork to be seen. The only furniture was a couch, and a table with two chairs. The adjoining kitchen, which also doubled as a dining room had a refrigerator and stove, both of which were stainless steel models. There was a divider between the kitchen and the main room.

"Where do I sleep?" I asked him. He chuckled.

"Your bed is in the room on the left down the hallway," he said.

I went to check it out. The room was quite small, about nine feet square, and the only thing was a small round pad, which looked an awful lot like a Papasan chair pad, and a blanket and pillow. Again, there were no decorations, just bare walls and floor. There weren't even blinds or drapes for the window. This being a city that never sleeps, the light was going to be an issue, as I preferred to sleep in the dark.

"Would you be kind enough to provide me with a proper bed?" I asked him.

"You will be rewarded with a nice bed depending on how well you do your first job for me," he said. "I am still judging you, so only the bare essentials will be provided at this point. Don't fail me. Oh, and here's your list. Get started."

I looked at the list. The items were basically an agenda of actions to perform in various locations, some of which would provoke reactions from other groups of people, some intended to cause mischief. I found myself snickering at some of the requests. Since there were only ten items listed, I figured I could get it done fairly quickly.

"Do you want me to be seen doing these things, or should I conceal myself to cause more chaos?" I asked.

"Oooh, you're already starting to think like me! Excellent! Do what you think is necessary. I will be watching your progress, Twilight."

I almost bristled at him calling me that, but I didn't want to jeopardize my situation. Don't want to make the boss angry, I thought. I checked a map to get my bearings and prepare myself for any contingencies. My first stop was going to be south central Los Angeles, and I was to provoke a gang war. Should be simple enough, I thought. There are plenty of gangs in LA, right? And most of them hate it when rivals enter another gang's territory. Simple telekinesis ought to do the trick...

I teleported to a spot I thought might be ripe for gang activity, but had some trouble locating and identifying certain gangs. My presence had not gone undetected, though, and I could sense people following me. I started trotting a little faster down Crenshaw avenue, and the footsteps following me got louder. I broke into a full gallop, my heart pounding, wondering if this was such a good idea in the first place. I heard gunshots ring out, and felt a sharp pain through my right shoulder. This was getting bad. I teleported again, landing in front of Disneyland. I had to regroup, and used healing magic to repair my injury.

"That was an heroic effort," came Discord's voice. "You did well," he said.

"I was being chased, and got shot," I said.

"You succeeded in provoking a gang war, believe it or not. You really did well back there."

"Why do you say that?"

"The guy who shot you was a rival gang member of the gang whose territory you ran into. His friends showed up as the rival gang was readying a drive-by. The resulting shoot-out caused more chaos than I had hoped for. Keep going!" he chuckled.

I realized that I was being used to do Discord's dirty work for him. "I just hope the reward is worth the risk," I thought.
Next target was Ciudad Juarez, and I was to get rival drug lords to take each other out. "Sounds dangerous," I thought. I don't know Spanish all that well, so I was going to be flying virtually blind. I knew nothing about this city in northern Mexico, and finding drug lords wasn't going to be easy. "Here goes nothing," I thought.

I teleported once again, finding myself at the western outskirts of the city. A badly battered Jeep drove up, and a guy got out and grabbed me, putting me in the back of the vehicle. I was so shocked by this I forgot I could use magic. I used telekinesis to lift the vehicle above the ground and used my magic to propel us across the city, above rooftops and around buildings. The driver and his occupants were scared out of their minds as I flew the car using my telekinesis. We reached the north side of the city, and I saw the U.S. border crossing off in the distance. I set the vehicle down about half a mile from the crossing, not on the road, but about a hundred yards to the left of that road. I made the driver floor the gas, and the Jeep lurched violently toward the crossing and Border guards fired warning shots above the vehicle. I teleported out of the vehicle, landing under the Gateway Arch in Saint Louis. I had to catch my breath. This was starting to get exciting!

"Ooh, I like your style!" came Discord's praise. "You outdid yourself on that one!"

I could get used to being praised like this, I smiled to myself. Okay, Twi, back on the agenda. Let's see here...Ghana.
Hmmm. Ghana. Start a civil war? Really? In Ghana? Okay, I guess...but how do I do that?

"All you have to do is cause unrest in Accra," said Discord, as if he had heard my question.

"Oh, that should be easy," I said. I teleported again, and landed in downtown Accra. Okay, now what do I do? How am I supposed to cause unrest?

"Ey! Ey! Whaddayou doin here?" came a male voice which belonged to a police officer.

"Why are you harassing folks who are just trying to go about their business?" I asked him.

"Ey! Ey! How can you be a talkin pony like that?"

I didn't bother to answer him, I turned around and started trotting away from him down the dirt road. He gave chase, but in turn, he was being chased by a mob of people who saw him harassing me. Another officer showed up at the end of the alleyway I had carelessly galloped into, and blocked my progress. I teleported to a rooftop above the dead end. The officer who had been chasing me met up with his fellow officer, and then were shocked to see an angry mob of citizens blocking their way out of the dead end of the alley. The unholstered their sidearms, leveling them at the mob.

"Ey! First one who takes a step towards us gets it!" the one who had been chasing me shouted. His partner tapped him on the shoulder, and pointed up, in my direction. The first officer looked up to see me on the rooftop above them. He fired his gun, but I was fast enough to avoid being hit.

"Ey! Ey! Why you be shootin at me, eh?" I said, imitating his accent. The mob charged the officers and disarmed them, and then proceeded to beat them severely, punching and kicking them into submission. I teleported back to Discord's lair.

"You had me rolling on the floor on that one," he said, still chuckling.

"This is actually starting to get fun," I said.

"Thought you might like that," he said. "Oh, and you have a new bed. Check it out, if you like. You can get something to eat and drink now, have a rest. You can work on the list some more tomorrow. Oh, and again, nice job. You're making good progress. Keep it up, and you'll be getting some nice rewards," he said, giving me a genuine smile.

Oops

I went to my bedroom in Discord's "lair" and noticed he had remained true to his word. There in the small room was a new bed, about four feet square, just large enough for me to sleep comfortably. I hopped in, and was rewarded with the softest most comfortable mattress I had ever lain on. I conjured up a set of blinds for the window to block the light. I got up, and headed to the kitchen for a quick bite. Discord watched me as I trotted around, and smiled as he watched. I was wondering what he was thinking about. Using my telekinesis, I opened the fridge and got a bag of salad mix along with a bottle of balsamic vinaigrette dressing. I got a fork out of the drawer, and a bowl from a cupboard, and fixed myself a salad. I took a can of grape soda, and thanked Discord for restoring my magic use as I would not have been able to eat and drink like this without it.

"I appreciate an employee with your performance. Keep up the good work, and the rewards will be even better," he said.

"I will do my best, master," I said. I continued eating and washed the dishes after I finished. I used telekinesis to crush the soda can, and put it in a recycling bin I had conjured up.

"A recycling bin? Really?" he chuckled. "That's just a bit too silly."

"It's a small step, just a thought..."

"It's worth a chuckle, Twilight. Always one to try to help, even in a small way. I like that," he grinned.

The hour got late, and I went to bed. I hadn't had such a comfortable rest in a very long time. I drifted off to sleep quickly, and slept soundly. About an hour later, Discord came into my room and snuggled behind me, putting his lion paw on my rib cage.

"About that offer you made earlier," he whispered. He snuggled even closer to me. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck.

"I don't recall actually making that offer," I said, trying to discourage him. I didn't want to anger him, though.

"Well, I did say I was tempted to take you up on that offer," he said. "What must I do?"

"If you want to have sex with me, I must charge you ten Saint Gaudens double eagles," I said. I hoped I wasn't giving myself away too cheaply. I figured $20,000 worth of gold would be high enough.

"You mean U.S. gold coin? I believe I can manage that," he said, and gave me a small purple velvet bag with ten heavy coins in it. I examined the coins to make sure he wasn't trying to pull a fast one on me. "Those are quite real, I can assure you," he said, trying to assuage my concerns.

"Okay, I guess I can let you do what you want," I said with a great deal of resignation in my voice. I let my body go numb as he rubbed against me, running his lion paw over my belly, and stroked my mane with his eagle talon. He rubbed against me for a couple more minutes, then his body tensed up and went limp again. I felt a warm sticky wetness on my hindquarters, but didn't feel anything inside.

"Are you done now?" I asked him impatiently. I was rather disappointed by his lack of stamina and tried to avoid chuckling at his pathetic attempt to make love to me. I bit my lower lip to keep from saying something I would regret.

"Yeah, I guess I am," he said. "Thanks again, Twilight, for being here for me. It gets lonely sometimes."

The rest of the night passed without incident, and I slept quite well that night. Tomorrow had more work in store for me.

I woke up feeling quite refreshed, and went to the bathroom to take care of relieving myself and taking a shower.

"Need any help in there?" Discord asked, showing a bit more curiosity about me than he probably should have.

"Got some more gold coins for me?" I asked.

"Don't push your luck, Twilight," he replied with a bit of menace tinging his words.

"You can scrub my back if you like," I said. He came in and soaped up a brush, running it back and forth on my back and sides, working his way back to my hindquarters. "Do my tail as well, why not." He obliged, and smiled as he helped me.
"Thanks for the help, even though I didn't really need it. Can I have French Toast for breakfast?"

"Ah, Twilight, good choice. Finish drying off, and it will be ready for you."

Back to the kitchen for breakfast, orange juice to wash it down. Now to get back to that list!

"Your next stop takes you to the West Bank of the Palestinian Territory, and you must blow some large holes in the Separation Barrier from the Palestinian side. Space those holes about two to five miles apart, and make sure they're very large. I am looking to pour a lot of gasoline on that fire," Discord explained. "Depending on how well you do, this might actually be the last job I have for you."

"What then?"

"I'll think of something," he said. "I will keep a watch on you to make sure the IDF doesn't get too close."

I teleported to the West Bank, and saw this 25 foot high wall. I was about two miles away from it, near its southernmost edge. I readied a pyrokinetic blast, and fired away at the wall. A rough circular hole about ten feet in diameter was blown into it, scattering chunks of concrete over a fair distance.

"Need to make it a bit bigger," I thought. I teleported about three miles north, and fired another blast of magic. This time the hole was about 15 feet in diameter, but still not enough to create a large gap in the wall.

"Hmm. Perhaps a bit bigger," I thought. Four miles north, and another blast. This time a 30 foot section of the wall was blown away, with concrete chunks landing up to a mile away from the blast. Now I heard sirens blaring in the distance.

"Okay, that's pretty good, but maybe just a little bit bigger," I said. Five miles north. Big blast! A 75 foot section of the wall was blown out, and 50 feet on either side of the gap fell. More sirens, and now I heard fighter jet aircraft in the sky. I calculated speed and distance, and fired a blast to anticipate the flight path of one of the jets. A large pyrokinetic blast took it down. The pilot ejected from his crippled aircraft. I teleported another 5 miles north. I was getting close to the northern end of the wall, so I decided to make this one spectacular. This blast was so big, it blew away nearly 200 feet of the wall, and knocked down 600 feet of it on either side. I figured I was done at this point, and teleported back to Discord's lair.

"Hey, Twilight, you're just in time to see the news. Check this out!" he grinned.

The television news broadcast was blaring something about the Israeli Prime Minister complaining bitterly about a secret weapon the Iranians had, and how he was going to launch a full-scale military airstrike against multiple targets in Iran. He was calling on the President of the United States to come to Israel's aid, and helping destroy the Iranian menace once and for all. Then the Russian Prime Minister was shown, saying how he would respond to any military strike by Israel against it's ally with overwhelming force. The pundits speculated on what this would mean for world peace, but many were almost gleeful about the coming war.

"You know, Discord, I think I might have just started World War Three," I said rather glumly.

"Yeah! Isn't that just great? You have done a most splendid job!"

"Okay, so what's next on the list?"

"I threw it away. You have succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. You are free to go wherever you wish," he said.

"So if I asked you to let me stay here ..."

"Well, you're welcome to stay if you like, but since you have done such a wonderful job for me, I no longer have need of your services. Take your gold and go -- don't test my patience, Twilight, I have grown to like you. If you leave, make sure you don't return, lest you provoke my ire."

I didn't have to be told twice, so I went to the room I slept in, took my little bag of gold coins and teleported to what used to be my home. I was going to check on a few things before trying to start a new life for myself.

The driveway had an older Cadillac sedan in it, but the car was in pretty bad shape, being about 15 years old. The fence we had put up several years ago was still there, but all of the other yard decorations were gone. After a year's absence from this place, I figured that it had been foreclosed, and that Brenda had moved somewhere else. I trotted to the front door and tapped my right fore-hoof on the door. The person who opened the door was none other than Alonzo himself. He flashed an evil grin at me and came out. I used my telekinesis to pick him up and lifted him about 50 feet in the air.

"Help! Hey, dog, I'm sorry for kicking you! Put me down! Please!"

"Okay," I said, and released my magic hold on him. Gravity took over at that point. He screamed as he fell. I used my telekinesis again to catch him about five feet above the ground. I lifted him again. "You know, the fact that you kicked me down the stairs still has me very angry with you," I told him. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't slam you onto the street."

"Because there's a cop watching you right now," he said, grinning.

Escape from Chaos

"You! The purple one! Put that man down immediately!" the officer shouts at me.

"Hey, Alonzo! Where's Brenda?" I ask, still holding him about 30 feet above the ground, but lowering him slowly. I was preparing a teleport spell as I lowered him, making sure he wouldn't be able to catch me.

"Huh. That bitch! I killed her four months ago!" he said, completely oblivious to what he just confessed.

"So, you confess to killing my wife," I said, flashing my evil grin. "Hope you like life in the Big House."

"What? You mean you were married to that bitch?" he asked incredulously, showing great surprise.

"For about 20 years," I flatly replied.

"How'd you put up with her for that long? That woman was evil!"

"What'd you do with her body?" I asked, trying to pry more information from him.

"I cut it into little bitty pieces and scattered it around the state in various places," he grinned.

"Officer, I am going to put him down about five feet away from you in a prone position with his hands behind his back. Ignore the purple aura around him, that's just to keep him held down for you." I set him down as I had indicated.

The officer immediately handcuffed Alonzo, and told me to go somewhere, although I couldn't exactly make out what he had said as I teleported away. I teleported to Times Square on 42nd street and watched the news on the giant TV. Not too terribly far from Discord's lair, and maybe just a bit too close. There was an eerie silence in the air, as this place was usually buzzing with all kinds of activity.

"Well, Twilight, have you come to check on your progress?" Discord asked. "Nice to meet you again. I see you chose not to port into my lair. Good choice. I have another gift for you, since you did so well. Here, take this." He handed me another small purple velvet bag with some more coins in it. "You've earned it, enjoy yourself. Should I ever have need of your services again, I will let you know. Oh, and you can be sure you'll get some more coins as well!"

Suddenly, everything went deathly silent. The news screen went black as the President of the United States was telling everyone to remain calm, which was always a very bad sign. "This is very bad," I thought. I immediately knew what was coming, so I teleported away once again. Discord was still a little confused, and wondered why I ported out. About two seconds after I ported out, a blinding flash of light brighter than a magnesium flare lit the sky with a chalky brilliance. Discord was blinded and didn't know what hit him as a 10 megaton nuclear bomb hit Manhattan, vaporizing everything within a three mile radius. The Russians had struck in revenge, thinking that the U.S. had launched a weapon at Moscow. Instead, it had been the Israelis who had launched that one. I didn't know this, but China was getting involved as well, and things were going to get really bad now.

I had teleported to the Royal Throne Room inside Canterlot Castle. Why I had chosen this was still a mystery to me, and I saw Princess Celestia and Princess Luna sitting on their respective thrones. I saw them glower at me in disapproval, so I teleported again, this time landing in front of Twilight's house. I went to her front door and tapped on it with my right fore-hoof. Spike answered the door.

"Hey, Twilight, what's up?" Spike asked me, before he realized that Twilight was still catching up on her reading. "Wait, I thought you were still upstairs?" His expression was one of confusion.

"Spike, can you let me in? I need to talk to Twilight about something very important," I said. I smiled at him.

"Uhhh...sure...let me fetch her for you," he said, opening the door to let me in. I took a moment to survey the main room, with its shelves full of books, and waited for Twilight to come downstairs.

"Spike, what's going on downstairs? Who was that at the door?" she asked as she started down the stairs. When she saw me, she went bug-eyed for a minute. "What...what...who...where..."

"Twilight, what I have to tell you is very important," I started.

"What happened to your cutie mark?" she asked as she started to regain a little composure.

"That left me several months ago, but that's not important right now," I said.

"What happened to you mane and tail?" she asked, her eyes still quite wide, an expression of surprise on her face.

"What do you mean?" I asked, and conjured up a mirror to see what she was talking about. I noticed then that the pink stripe which ran from front to back of my mane and tail had turned blood red. "Oh, um...I don't know..."

"Something tells me you DO know what happened, since this seemed to surprise you. Where did you come from? And if you're not me, please tell me who you really are." Her face took on a serious look, and then suddenly, there was another knocking at her front door.

"Spike, can you get that for me?" she asked.

"Yeah, gotcha, Twi." He answered the door to see Princess Celestia standing there, not looking very pleased. "Princess! To what do I owe the occasion?"

"Spike. May I come in, please?" she asked, her tone somewhat stern.

"Uhhh...certainly, your Majesty! Come in!" he smiled.

She ducked under the low doorway, and folded her wings in to fit into the main room. She saw both of us, and a frown crept across her face. She turned to face me, and glowered again. I knew I was in trouble now.

"You. Tell me who you are and where you came from. NOW." I didn't like this tone from her and my expression showed it.

"Your Majesty, I used to be a male human -- Homo sapiens -- and I have come from a world with seven billion humans populating it. I woke up in the body of Twilight Sparkle about a year or so ago, and shortly after that lost the use of my magic when a two year old kid broke my horn off. It was only a few days ago when I ran into Discord that he restored my magic abilities on the condition that I perform certain actions for him, lest he remove my freshly restored horn and send me back to live in squalid conditions."

"Discord? In your world?" the Princess' expression changed from anger to curiosity. "Tell us, where is he now?"

"Last I saw, he was about to be vaporized by a nuclear weapon," I said flatly.

"What?" she exclaimed.

"One of the things I was required to do under the service of Discord was to knock some holes in a big wall in Israel. They over-reacted, and attacked Iran. Russia came to the aid of Iran, and Israel fired a nuclear warhead at Moscow, the capital city of Russia. They responded by launching a weapon at New York City. I had happened to teleport into that city, and met Discord one last time. He handed me this bag of coins (I showed it to them) as a reward for doing a good job for him. When I heard the silence and saw every electronic video screen black out, I teleported to a throne room, then here."

"You say ... " the Princess was still stunned by these revelations, almost at a loss for words. Twilight and Spike were still standing, mouths open, eyes wide with shock and surprise.

"If I may continue, your Majesty, I was forced to work for Discord. I believe I may have unwittingly sealed my world's fate, and request that you allow me to stay here, perhaps in a different form so every pony won't confuse me for the real Twilight Sparkle."

"Ummm. May I examine those coins?" Celestia asked.

"Sure," I said, retrieving the pouch. She used her telekinetic power to snatch the pouch away from me, and opened it, holding the coins aloft and bringing them close to her face to get a better look at them. They were Saint Gaudens double eagle gold coins dating from 1907 to 1933. There were ten of these, gleaming brilliantly in the light.

"These are quite beautiful," she said, admiring them. "Do you mind if I have one for the sake of curiosity?"

"As long as you don't take the 1907, 1908, 1927, or 1933 ones," I said. "If there's one with Roman numerals on it, don't take that one either, please."

"Roman numerals?" she asked.

"M C M V I I," I said. There actually was one of those in that bag.

"Why not? I was wanting to keep that one," she said, smiling.

I thought for a moment. What use were these coins to me now? I couldn't sell them back in the world I came from. "Okay," I said. "You can take whichever one you want. They only hold sentimental value now, as no pony here would understand numismatic value of a coin from a different world. It makes each of these coins unique."

She took the coin with the Roman numerals and put the rest back into the bag and gave it back to me. Twilight expressed interest in it, and trotted over to the Princess to examine the coin herself.

"Wow, that's pretty! Can I have one too, please?"

I gave her a coin at random from the bag. She beamed as though she had been given a year's supply of chocolate cake.

"I was given another bag of these coins in return for allowing Discord to have sex with me," I said flatly.

"WHAT??!" they both exclaimed.

"WHY?" asked Twilight.

"How was he?" asked Celestia slyly.

"He was pathetic -- didn't even last two minutes," I grinned. "Twilight, I apologize. I want to experiment with everything, and this experience was just me wanting to see if he was any good. Obviously, he was not. I am sorry if I offended you."

"In a way, that's kind of like what I might do -- experimenting with new experiences. I accept your apology."

"Is he still loose in your world?" Celestia asked.

"If he is, he's probably dead now," I said. "I don't think he'd be able to survive a direct nuclear hit."

The Problem is This...

After having a good chuckle, it was time to get back to my explanation to Princess Celestia and Twilight about my reasons for being there, how I woke up as Twilight, the year of troubles I endured, the loss of everything that I had accomplished, and what I did on behalf of Discord. I saw both of them change their facial expressions several times during my exposition, going from stunned silence to outright shock. I think I even saw a tear fall from Twilight's right eye when I mentioned how badly my condition had deteriorated in Memphis, and how I seriously considered jumping off the I-40 bridge over the Mississippi River.

When I finally finished telling them my story, an awkward silence fell over the room. Princess Celestia was the first to break that silence.

"So, Michael, what you're saying is you might have inadvertently destroyed your world as an unintended consequence of your actions on behalf of Discord," she said. At this point, her face showed no visible emotion as she digested all the information I had related to her.

"Allow me to open a window to my world so I can see what has happened since I left," I said. I cast a spell to open a window to Earth, and started first with New York City. Most of the city had been leveled, some buildings still partially intact, but so much damage in such a large area that I considered it a total loss. "New York City is gone," I said glumly. "Let's check on Chicago." I changed the location of the window to Chicago. "This is bad," I said flatly. "Let me see Memphis." It looked as though Memphis had been spared, and there were people running around looting the stores. Chaos ruled the day, and Discord would be proud of what I had done for him. I shuddered at the thought. "Memphis looks okay, but survival mode has destroyed the social fabric. I am so sorry for doing this," I said with deep regret tinging my words.

"You have done a lot of damage to your world," Princess Celestia said with a fair amount of gravitas. "Maybe you ought to go back there and clean up the mess you made."

"How exactly am I supposed to do that?" I asked. "I would need a huge amount of power to remove the radiation and the dirt from the sky. The Earth is a big planet, but trying to clean up a mess THAT big would be too much for just me to manage."

"Luna and I could transform you into an Alicorn so you could do it," Celestia said. "However, I don't think I can trust you with THAT much power. You have acted irresponsibly, and my opinion is that since you fled your world in such haste in order to shirk that responsibility, you owe your world a debt which you must repay."

"I can't do it alone, your Majesty," I said. "Even if you and your sister were to turn me into an Alicorn, I still don't think I would be able to clean it up quickly enough to save what's left of humanity."

"I hate to say this, Michael, but you don't have much of a choice here. You can not stay in my realm, as I consider you a very serious threat to our world, regardless of what you have told us earlier. You can either go back to your world in your present form, and use your magic as much as possible to clean up your mess, or I can transform you back into your human form and send you back. Either way, you will not be allowed to stay here, or return here. If you do return without cleaning up the mess you made of your home world, I would hate to be in your hooves. The consequences will be dire if you make THAT mistake. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, your Majesty. I shall return to clean up the mess I made. I will do my best. I only wished we could have met under happier circumstances, but what's done is done. I shall take my leave now." I teleported to Memphis, to try to get started.

Back in Memphis, things had gotten really bad. The sky was filled with dirty clouds, and a dull haze hung over everything. I used my magic to check radiation levels that were way too high for anyone to survive for anything longer than a week. I tried using an atmospheric cleansing spell to try to remove dirt and radiation. I managed to clear out about a square mile of the sky, but that clear hole was quickly filled by more clouds taking that space. I tried again, and got the same result. I was being followed as I trotted down Elvis Presley boulevard, heading south. I turned around to see a group of people who didn't look friendly. I turned around to face them.

"Please, people, I am trying to clean up the air. I am trying to help," I said. It looked as though my words had no effect as the mob approached me. I teleported about a mile north of where I was, just outside the gates of Graceland. Usually, there is a fairly large group of tourists coming to visit Elvis Presley's home. The gates had been broken down, and the house had been severely vandalized. Gang graffiti had been scrawled all over the house, and any security had long since been compromised. I was somewhat disheartened by this sight. I teleported another mile north. Now I was standing near the housing projects just south of downtown Memphis. Some people saw me and charged at me. I used telekinesis to stop their progress. I teleported another mile north, now in the downtown area. This area was deserted, and the radiation level was even higher. "This is very bad," I thought. I tried using a different kind of magic to dissipate the radiation. This worked to some degree, but was taking too long.

"This isn't working," I said to no one in particular. "I just don't think I'm going to be able to do this alone."

"Well, well, well. If it isn't my old girl Twilight Sparkle," came a gravelly voice from behind.

"Discord? I thought you died in New York City," I said with a great deal of surprise.

"I am harder to kill than THAT, silly girl! I saw you pop out, and I followed your lead. You're smarter than you look."

"Thanks, I think..."

"So why'd you come back to Earth? Think you can undo all this damage?"

"I have nowhere else to go. The radiation will kill everything off in a week if I don't try to do something about it. I don't want to see humanity all die," I said, trying to explain the situation to him.

"It weighs heavily on your conscience, knowing that you're responsible for all this damage, doesn't it? I suppose I could do something about it, seeing as I have such a huge amount of power..."

"I wasn't expecting things to escalate to this level," I said. "I thought you wanted me to enlarge a fire, not destroy the planet."

"Well, you know I live for chaos, but wholesale destruction of a planet is a bit too much chaos, even for me," he said. "I am most impressed with your work, but what I will do is this: I will clean up the entire mess, and even restore your human identity, if you do one thing for me."

"What is it, Discord? What do you want me to do?"

"As Twilight Sparkle, I want you to give birth to my child."

The shock of this request left me dumbfounded. I tried to speak. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I repeated this motion several times. I don't know how long it took me to regain my composure, but before I could answer with anything comprehensible, he started laughing. Real hard.

"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! You should see the look on your face! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"I thought you were being serious for a moment there," I said, trying not to chuckle.

"Oh, but I am, Twilight, I am! I want you to have my baby!"

"Jesus, Discord, why?"

"I need an heir. I am getting too old to be doing this sort of nonsense, and I want to have a child I can teach to do this silliness, and I think since you were so nice to me the last time around, I thought maybe you would be willing to take it a step further. You will be richly rewarded beyond your wildest dreams if you do this for me, and not only that, I will clean up this whole mess -- all the radiation, the sun-blocking dirt, everything! You have my word on this!"

I had to digest his request. "I will have to think about this, but I know I don't have much time. Your words sound almost too good to be true, and I still don't know if I can place my complete trust in you, what with you being the God of Chaos and all. I also know that even if you're lying to me, there's nothing I can do should it turn out you have been lying to me. One other thing I must ask you is how long the gestation period is, as the radiation levels are so high that everything will be dead in a week."

"I will take care of that right now," he said. He waved his lion paw in the air, and the sky cleared up immediately. No clouds, just a bright sunny day. The sun felt warm on my coat, and I smiled.

"I am amazed by what you just did," I said. "You know, if I didn't know any better, I would think you want to restore order for the sake of creating new chaos."

"I think you know me too well, Twilight, but you're not far off the mark on your guess. By the way, the gestation period is two months, and once you give birth, I will take my child and raise him myself."

"How do you know the child won't be a girl?"

"I won't allow that to happen! I can choose the gender of my child just as easily as I cleared the sky!"

"Hmm. You drive a hard bargain, but I guess I will take you up on the offer. So when and where do we get started?"

"That's my girl! Come with me, I have a new lair," he said. I put my right fore-hoof in his lion paw, and again we were off. I had told myself never to teleport with him again, but I had no choice. The sight turned my stomach until we reached his new lair. This place was dark and a heavy humidity hung in the air. The ceiling was fairly low, and the walls looked like dirt.

"Are we in a cave of some sort?" I asked.

"You know about NORAD?"

"Yeah, it's set inside a mountain."

"We're under the command center, in the catacombs below it. I figured it was probably the safest place," he said.

"I'm surprised the Russians or the Chinese didn't try to blow this whole mountain up."

"Don't think they didn't try, Twilight, they gave it their best shot. That's why there's no one up in the command center."

"Okay, so is there a bed for me? How long are we supposed to be here? And what about food?"

"I planned for every contingency, Twilight, you will be treated like a queen here. Don't worry, everything's already taken care of. Even your prenatal care needs have been addressed."

"Every pony has talked about how evil you are. I never thought you would turn out to be such a nice guy," I said.

"They don't understand me, Twilight, and they fear that which they don't understand. So naturally, a hatred borne of that fear is what colors their perceptions of me. If you treat me with respect, I will do the same. Since you have been so nice to me, I felt it only fair I return those gestures. You will find that I am far nicer than you might imagine."

"Will you be gentle with me?"

"That depends on a few things," he grinned.

True to his word

I won't go into the details, but Discord was indeed gentle, and took his time. I saw a side of him few rarely see. He was genuinely concerned about my safety and health. I never would have thought him capable of this, as I had always been under the impression that he was as evil as they came. My needs were addressed, and he was always doting over me, asking me how I was feeling, and when my pregnancy began to show he would rub my bulging belly, smiling gently while doing so. He still liked to play pranks, but as the birth date came closer, he behaved even better, He would sometimes be out doing various things, but he was always willing to tell me what he had been doing.

"You know, some of these areas were in really bad shape," he said. "Cleaning them up was a bit harder than I thought."

"I appreciate everything you're doing. I can't wait to see what it looks like," I said, smiling at him warmly.

"You mean my child? Or the outside?"

"I want to see what your child, or should I say, OUR child looks like! I would like to hope that maybe I could see him some times," I said. "Will I be able to remain my sparkly self after he is born, or will I be returned to the ranks of humanity?"

"The choice is yours," he said. "Whatever you wish."

"You know Alonzo killed my wife a while back, don't you?" I asked him.

"I'm so sorry! What do you want me to do about it? I can bring her back," he said.

"No, no, that's okay. I would prefer to remain in this body, as I have become so used to it. To be honest, I actually enjoy being Twilight more than my old human self. I couldn't do any of the things as a human that I can do now. I am curious to know what's left of humanity, and if things have returned to some semblance of normality."

"That's some pretty rough sledding there. People are people, and survival for them is difficult for them right now. I am still working on this, but it seems beyond my ability to maintain any kind of order, as the law enforcement agencies have been pushed to their limit trying to survive themselves. I suppose that by the time our child is born, I should have it all ironed out."

The fateful day had arrived, and I was going into labor. Discord was quite excited, and for some reason or other, he knew exactly what to do. That, and he had brought in a veterinarian to help in the delivery. The veterinarian expressed a great deal of surprise to see me ready to give birth, but the real surprise came when I answered a question for him.

"What? You can talk?" he asked.

"Of course! You see Discord over there, don't you? He's the father," I said, smiling gently.

"Well...he IS paying me pretty well, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised by anything."

Giving birth as a pony was the most unusual experience I have ever had, and the child looked like a mix of me and Discord, but mostly grey. He had two equine legs which were much more muscular than standard equine legs. Looked like he was going to be able to walk on those hind legs pretty easily. The fore-arms were those of a dragon, and the body and head were more equine than serpentine, but there seemed to be a uniformity to the child that was missing from Discord.

"I shall name him 'Equanimity'," Discord said proudly.

"How about calling him 'Jeffrey'?" I asked.

"He's my child, and I shall name him. I will give you a few more days to recover from child-birth, and I will take you to whichever location you want to go. I have a few properties I can give you, and all the creature comforts you wish."

"How about San Diego?" I asked.

"Oooh, excellent choice! In fact, I have a very nice oceanfront house I can give you right now if you wish."

"Looking forward to seeing it," I said. He took me with him again, and we landed in the house. I still couldn't get used to his teleportation, and let him know about it.

"Sorry, Twilight, but that's the way I teleport. I can't help it, it's just always been that way for me. I don't know how you do it, but I apologize if it disturbs you, if that makes you feel any better."

"Thanks for caring about me, Discord. I hope to see you again -- perhaps we can trade stories or something."

"I will be checking on you from time to time. Thank you so much for giving me something truly special. I hope that I have made everything satisfactory, but there are still some hot spots left. Some places got hit so badly that even I couldn't clean them up. Chaos is still the norm, but I guess I have always been that way. Hopefully it will settle down a little more soon. I have a child to take care of now! Be seeing you!" And with that, he took his child and left.

It took some time for me to get used to living alone as Earth's Twilight Sparkle. My cutie mark still had not returned, but I guess I was okay with that. My red streak had started to fade back towards pink, but was still about half-way there. Some semblance of normality was finally starting to return, and a fair amount of humanity had been spared. Unfortunately, about two-thirds did not. As Discord had said, there were still some hot spots, namely New York City, Washington D.C., Moscow, Tel Aviv, Tehran, Beijing, Hong Kong, Los Angeles, and a few others I couldn't recall. The loss of computers was a very serious blow, and the rest of the world aside from the U.S., Russia, China, Israel, and Iran, along with nearby countries, was leaving us behind to try to fend for ourselves the best we could. It would probably be a good century or so before things finally got back to normal, but at least humanity had been saved, to some degree anyway. I decided to see if I could send a letter to Princess Celestia to let her know how things had been going.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Many things have happened since I last talked to you. I have learned that Discord is not as evil as you might think him to be, as he has treated me with great kindness and respect. I only hope that he might be able to find some common ground with you in the future, or maybe because he was THIS world's Discord that he acts differently here than in your world.

I hate to say this, but I carried a foal for him, which he is now raising. I don't know if he might ever show up there, but he did quite a bit of cleaning up around here. It is my sincere hope that I might visit you some day in the future, but as you said in our last meeting, the mess had to be cleaned up. I did what I thought was necessary, and I apologize if you disagree with my methods, but I felt it was for the best.

Warmest regards,

Twilight Sparkle of Earth

I opened a window to Equestria, the Royal Throne Room of Canterlot Castle, and sent the letter. I was surprised to see a return letter appear just a few moments later.

My Dearest Twilight Sparkle of Earth

I must admit to some degree of shock that you carried Discord's offspring, and even more so at his behavior. It is my opinion that this must differentiate him in your world from our Discord, who still remains a statue. I seriously doubt that our Discord will ever act so kindly, and I harbor no desire to hazard such an experiment. It was difficult enough to defeat him last time around, and I fear what chaos his return in our realm would ensue.

As to your methods of saving humanity, you have made a tremendous sacrifice, and while I don't approve of such methods, clearly it has resulted in saving your planet, if not all of humanity as you mentioned. As for making a return visit, I am sure you would be welcome to return, but I would have to grant approval for such a return, and it will take a considerable amount of time before I decide whether or not to grant you such a request.

As always, you are free to communicate with me at your pleasure, as I look forward to such missives in the future.

Take care of yourself, and stay out of trouble!

With kindest regards,

Princess Celestia of Canterlot

P.S. Please give me the details of the encounter, I could use a good laugh.

"Well, it looks like that's finally settled," I thought. I went to my bedroom and laid down to get some rest. Life had established a new normal for me, and even though I had been through a lot, I was happy to have my own home. I now had the rest of my life to look forward to.

FIN