The suffering of Rainbow Dash

by NeuPferdfurt

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Applejack, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life
Length: 3744

During a little get-together at Sugar Cube Corner, the cyan pegasus reveals her phobia of cupcakes

I decided to make this into a series after all.

Summary of Episode One:
A very short story in which Rainbow Dash reveals to her friends that she's been having nightmares involving Pinkie Pie's fameous cupcakes. Or were they really just nightmares? Rainbow wants to settle the issue once for all, confronting the baker's apprentice with her horrible... suspicions.

Paranoia or premunition? Slightly disturbing or full-blow horseapplestorm? See for yourself...

Published 2012-01-06 04:33:15 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-09 22:00:41 UTC

Cupcakes, anypony?

“Cupcakes?”

Her face bright and joyful with anticipation, Pinkie Pie pushed the plate in Rainbow Dash’s direction. But the cyan pegasus pony just shivered and frowned.

“I’ve already told you, Pinkie- thanks, but NO THANKS.”

“Awww, come on, just one bite... for your auntie-paunty Pinkie!”

“I said no! Geez, I swear, on every occasion, you try to shove your damn cupcakes down my throat...!”

The other ponies gasped, shocked by Rainbow’s sudden outburst. Like every other week, the six friends had gathered at Sugar Cube corner for snacks and hot chocolate.

“That was uncalled for, sugar cube”, Applejack said to break the silence.

Rainbow Dash looked down, her face hot with shame.

“I’m sorry, Pinkie, I really am. I’ve already told you, I can’t eat your cupcakes.”

“Don’t you like them...?”

“That’s besides the point. Objectively speaking, they are awesome. The best there are.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“I... Okay, look. I’m freaking out, okay? It’s not your fault, but I have... nightmares, and stuff.”

“I didn’t know you had nightmares, Rainbow”, Twilight Sparkle said, “I’m sure if we talk about it, we can...”

“It’s no big deal... And I don’t really want to talk about it. Just keep it in mind, okay?”

Pinkie Pie’s face lit up again.

“I know what will cheer you up... Cupcakes?”

Again with the plate-pushing.

Rainbow Dash was flubbergasted.

“Haven’t you listened to a word I just said?”

“I dunno. Maybe? Have I? Would you like a cupcake?”

Rainbow Dash closed her eyes, and as calmly as possible, she said:

“For the last time: Your cupcakes are scaring the hay out of me. They haunt me in my nightmares. So no, Pinkie. I would not like one of your cupcakes, even if it was the last in all of Equestria.”

Applejack was shaking her head. To Fluttershy, she whispered:

“That won’t do her no good. To good ol’ Pinkie, this will sound like a challenge...”

Pinkie Pie leaned forward and rested her head on one of her front hooves.

“Say, that’s mighty strange, Dashie. How can cupcakes haunt anypony? I didn’t put any ghoulies or ghosties into them. I tried that once, and boy, the sales were dropping so fast one could...”

“You really want to know what keeps me from eating your cupcakes?”

“Either you tell me, or you let me find out... Uh! I have just the persona for that!”

Pinkie Pie darted out of the room, only to come back a second later with a psychologist’s couch and a pair of ridiculously large glasses.

“Meet Frau Doktor Hagenschlagenfragen! Jusst lay zown and tell me whatt iss bodering you, Fräulein Rainboh Dasch! And maybe haf ein kupkake, ja?”

She was petting the cushion of the couch to support the invitation.

“She kinda confiscated that persona from me, remember?”, Twilight said to Rarity.

The white unicorn shrugged, without averting her eyes from the scene in front of them.

“If you ask me, the Teutonic accent is a nice addition.”

Rainbow moaned. “Not that again...”

“Look. Let’s settle this once for all. Pinkie? Pinkie! Are you listening to me?”

Pinkie Pie was lost in a new game she had discovered. She was laying on the couch, going through pictures of inkblots, mumbling random word associations while Doktor Hagenschlagenfragen was taking notes, shaking her head in concern. Before anypony’s brain could melt as a consequence of this paradox, the two pink earth ponies fused back together as Rainbow Dash yelled Pinkie’s name.

“Applesauce, Tasmanian Walrus, Horseshoe, Seven years in Beijing, Maine... Yes, Dashie?”

She hopped in front of her pegasus friend, with fluttering eyelashes.

“Pinkie, I need an answer from you...”

“Napoleon Bonbonparte!”

“I mean an answer to the following question: Are you - yes or no - foalnapping, torturing and chopping up ponies as a “special ingredient” for your cupcakes?”

Fluttershy almost fainted. Twilight Sparkle violently shook her head.

“Rainbow, what on EARTH...”

“Uh-uh-uh! Don’t interrupt, Twilight. I need to hear this. So, Pinkie Pie... what will it be?”

“Yes. I mean no. Gosh, should I? I mean, I didn’t know you had... special tastes like that...”

“Personally-wise, I am not surprised”, Applejack said, “She once almost chewed mah mane off during a sleepover...”

Rainbow turned around to yell at the workhorse, blushing.

“Applejack, I told you I was dreaming about fresh hay! It wasn’t my fault your hair smells like farm! ...We’re getting awfully off-topic here, but what did I expect...

I have issues. I am scared that there MIGHT be ponies in your cupcakes, Pinkie. There aren’t any, right?”

“Nope. The only cannibal cupcakes I ever made were cupcakes eating other cupcakes, and that was for a competition over in Fillydelphia last summer...”

“Okay. Good. Great. That’s a relief. ‘Cupcakes eating other cupcakes?’ Nevermind. Girls, I tell you... Now that I have let it all out, I feel a lot better already.”

“Maybe you should assist Pinkie with her next bunch of cupcakes? So you can see with your own eyes there is nothing to worry about?”, Twilight kindly suggested.

“It might be a little too soon for that...”

Pinkie Pie made puppy eyes.

“Is it also too soon for one itsy bitsy tallowhipsy hipsy ditsy cupcake...?”

Rainbow sighted.

“For you, Pinkie. I really hope you’ll leave me alone after that...”

She took a bite.

“Say, these are good cupcakes. What’s in ‘em?”

Pinkie chuckled.

“Well, I said I didn’t use any ponies...”

Rainbow Dash frowned and looked at the half-eaten cupcake. The colors were a little odd. Green and purple. Just the color sheme of a certain little dragon they all knew and loved...

“Hey girls”, she said slowly, “Has anyone seen Spike today?”

“He was helping me earlier with the... ingredients”, Pinkie Pie squeaked, trying to keep a straight face.

From one second to the next, the ponies invited to Sugar Cube Corner turned very pale.

But by now Pinkie Pie was rolling on the floor, laughing.

“Oh GIRLS! I’m pulling your hooves! Spikey is fine. I just sent him out to find some very special flowers for me. Fluttershy, he said he found them growing by your cottage! He said you even helped him harvest the stuff!”

“...Oh, uhm, right. I guess I should have mentioned that before...”

-

Applejack and Rainbow Dash were on their way to Sweet Apple Ackers after the little party. The workhorse had invited her over to talk about a construction project for which she said she could use her friend’s help.

“Gosh, Pinkie Pie was really rocking the house this time, wasn’t she...”, the pegasus said with a little, nervous laugh.

“I shall say. But you were not too shabby on the freaky account yourself, sugar cube. Accusing good ol’ Pinkemina of being an evil dungeon master...?”

Rainbow Dash smirked.

“Yeah, that was pretty lame. But if that means I get to have regular dreams again, I don’t regret it...”

They arrived on the farm.

“Say, sugar cube, I could really use something to calm mah nerves. Would you be so neighbourly as to fetch me a bottle of cidre from mah new apple cellar?”

“Sure thing... where is...?”

Applejack lifted a hoof and pointed to a big, gaping entry not far from the barn.

Rainbow dashed inside.

“Gosh, it’s dark in here. Ah, there’s the cidre...”

A shadow fell on her from the big rectangle above. Rainbow turned her head.

“Applejack?”

“Good night, sugar cube. Don’t worry, I’ll come to see you very soon...”

And then the earth pony closed the cellar door.

Rainbow Dash started banging against it. It was made of steel.

“APPLEJACK!”

Outside, the earth pony was unable to even hear the pegasus’ pointless efforts and protest, but she could imagine them all too well.

Applejack chuckled. “Finally, we’ll get some quality time together, mah little turkey.”

As she walked back to the house, with a lusty shake of her flank, the earth pony whispered:

“And trust me, Rainbow... It will be a long, long time...”

Intermission

"That's it? THAT was the whole story?", Rainbow Dash protested.

"I liked the idea with the open ending", Rarity said, "Why, with all the gory prose out there, it can't harm trying a more... subtle approach."

"I agree with Rarity for once. I think the story was pretty neat", Applejack said.

Rainbow frowned. "Oh, I bet you do..."

"Honestly? This wasn't scary at all. I say you just lost a bet. And bringing up that stupid old cupcake-nightmare of mine? Pleeease. "

"Hold your horses, Rainbow. We're not done with you yet."

The six fillies were having a sleepover in Applejack's new barn to celebrate its completition. Only this evening had the five other ponies revealed to Rainbow Dash the other reason they had organized this little get-together. They intended to scare the boastful pegasus, and to scare her good, as punishment for a recent prank she'd played on no other than sweet Fluttershy. Rainbow Dash knew better than that, and she had apologized right away, but the others still thought it couldn't harm to take her down a notch.

"We've got plenty more stories for you, sugar cube. But first, would you be so kind and go fetch us some refreshments from mah apple cellar? Now that you have jumped out of your sleeping bag an all. I reckon' we're running a little dry here."

"Yeah, why not, I.... WAIT-A-MINUTE! I'm not falling for this again!"

Applejack was raising an eyebrow. "Falling for what now, sugar cube?"

It was hard for the work horse to keep a straight face.

Rainbow blushed.

"Aeh... What I meant to say was: I bet you'll close the door behind me, just like in that stupid story, because you think that'll make me jump, but guess what, I am NOT scared, and you'll just embarass yourselves! So, you know. Don't do that. 'Caus it would be lame."

"You sound a little tense, Dashie."

"I am NOT tense! I'm warning you... You need to get up pretty early in the morning to play mind-tricks on a mare like me..."

"...Well, uhm, you know, it is already past midnight..."

Her friends were displaying large, piranha-like grins.

Rainbow Dash sighted.

"You guys are so lame. I'll be back in a minute. I really hope the next story is better than the last one..."

"We'll see."

At the spa

Rarity could not believe her eyes.

"Rainbow Dash, darling! What a pleasure to see you here! I didn't expect to meet you  here at the spa."

Rainbow put on a smug face.

"Ah, you know... after  hours of hardcore exercise and a nice, steaming hot shower, once in a while I like to treat my athletic body to the deluxe care she so truly deserves..."

The young pegasus was flexing her perfumed, oily muscles to illustrate.

"My, you do look simply fabulous!  Oh, but you're already leaving..."

"Yeah, I kinda spent my wellness budget for today. Seeya aroung, I guess..."

Rarity watched that stunning, muscular body walk past her, and she was sharply sucking in the air as if it was made of the sweetest nectar.

"Say... we spend so little time together, Rainbow Dash, my dear... Why don't you stay here with me? I want to invite you to a very special afternoon. So what do you say?"

"Well..." Rainbow wasn't really that much of a wellness-type. But if it was going to make Rarity happy... Besides, she had noticed the look on the older pony's face. Awe and utter admiration for the one and only Rainbow Dash. Now that was something she could relate to.

"Okay. Sure. What do you want to do first?"

-

"Uh. This is kinda awkward...

The unicorn had brought her to a very small room where the air was thick with steam and perfume.

"Relax, dear. As a regular customer, I enjoy certain... privileges. We'll have this part of the spa all to ourselves... I come here with Fluttershy sometimes."

She pointed to a mat on the floor.

"Please, lay down. When was the last time someone gave you a proper massage?"

Rainbow's thoughts drifted off for a moment. She remembered the day when she had last helped Applejack on the farm. After a day of hard work, the two ponies had started massaging each other's hooves...

"It has been way too long."

Rarity smirked.

"Alright then. In that case you are going to love this part..."

As a matter of fact, the pegasus did. Rarity's hooves moved over her back and her limbs, targeting one key area after the other. The unicorn knew exactly when she had to be extra gentle and when she needed to apply more pressure.

"Uuuuh... That's the stuff... How do you even do that?"

"Years of practice, dear friend... And a wonderful mentor."

-

When Rarity stopped, the pegasus felt disoriented for a second. She had already gotten used to her touch.

"What's the matter?"

"Oh my. I hadn't noticed at first, but you seem to have quite a few bruises, dear... And... skin leisions! Oh my."

"Yeah, that's plausible.  I still need to refine the awesomeness of my landings..."

Why do other ponies always think I'm boastful, Rainbow pondered, I do admit to my shortcomings, don't I?

"My, this won't do at all. Hold on, dear.  I'd like to try out a new lotion I just discovered this week."

"Sounds fine to me! Aim for perfection, baby."

The words resonated within Rarity's head.

Perfection, she thought, perfection... Sweet Rainbow is right. Any imperfection on this splendid body of hers is a preposterous abomination.

She decided to clean the areas in question with a little wet cloth first.

The touch made her pegasus friend sleepy again. Rainbow couldn't help it: This was her usual nap time, and she had hardly ever felt so relaxed in her life.

Suddenly, she was woken by a little stinging sensation. She tried to turn her head.

"Huh?"

Rarity was levitating a pair of tweezers with her magic.

"Oh, sorry about that, dear. You see,  I think I just discovered a splinter. Here, let me spray the spot with this local anaesthetic."

Rainbow sighted in relief. Now the spot on her back was nice and numb. She was dozing off again.

Meanwhile, Rarity started to sweat.

She had not wanted to upset Rainbow, but the fact of the matter was, the bruises on the pegasus' back were all red and puffy now that she had used the cloth and the disinfectant on them. And they were FULL of little splinters. Sure, they were so small that maybe only Rarity could see them, but still.

How awful! Now some of the spots were even bleeding! She certainly had to use more of this disinfectant. And more anaesthetic. By now Rarity could already look into the first layers of flesh. That was good, of course: She had to dig deep to be sure to really get these horrible little splinters. And fibres. And dust corns.

Parasites! They were horrible little parasites!

But strange: The deeper she went, the more she seemed to find. Oh, this was simply dreadful. How could she not have noticed before? It was about time she intervened!

When Rainbow woke up again as the pain reached her after all, the unicorn lady didn't even bother with the spray anymore. She had prepared a cloth dripping with anaesthetic, which she now put on Rainbow's nose. It was best if the pegasus was perfectly still for this procedure. The unicorn lady needed perfect stillness and silence so she could concentrate on her work.

Rarity reached into one of the wounds with the tweezers, and then she pulled with all her might. Nothing. Again! Ah, now it started to come lose. What exactly?

Rarity looked at the tiny piece of flesh she was now holding in her hooves.

Well, that was worrisome. Flesh should not come off like this.

Rotten flesh, Rarity thought, this pony is suffering from a severe case of rotten flesh. Oh my.

Before her inner eye, a picture started to form, a picture so lifelike it almost made her jump:

Applejack standing in her apple orchard. The trees were full of zapapples. Rainbow-colored zapapples.

“Splendid, ain’t it? But one rotten apple can ruin the whole tree, sugar cube. The whole orchard. Better take care of that, don’t cha think?”

She winked.

Rarity nodded. Finally, something she and the work horse could agree on!

All this blood! Blood was okay, though. Blood was clean. Or was it? Rarity would have to look into that later.

In any case, that’s what the shower heads on the walls were there for. She would just wash it off with cold water whenever it was accumulating to point that it was hindering her progress.

Rarity was getting dizzy. So much to do! It was unbelievable. The harder she worked, the more imperfections there seemed to be. Ah well. The struggle for releasing a pony’s real beauty was hard and full of sacrifices.

Like these feathers, for instance. Feathers on a pony! Preposterous. It was really time someone plucked them out. In fact, even these wings...

-

Many hours passed before a pony from the staff came to take a look into the intimate little niche. What she saw there would scar her for life, and made her scream until she lost conscience.

A formerly white unicorn, covered in blood.

With terrible, crazy eyes, the mare was busy pealing off the last fibres of flesh from a pegasus skeleton.

Roachbow Dash

[Twilight Sparkle frowned.

"I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to read this next one. It looks like a song text... or maybe a poem?"

"Uh! Let me see! Let me see!!", Pinkie Pie demanded. The earth pony quickly examined the fic and chuckled. "I'm in it, too! If it's alright with you, I'd like to read this one."

"Sure, why not..."

Pinkie Pie cleared her throat. "I'll need someone to give me a bass- not the fish, silly, the sound. Applejack? Would you do the honours? You make a neat bass."

"No problem, sugar cube."]

-

"Once upon a time, in the home of a pony called Pinkie,

Under a pile of candy wrappers, and clopfic, quite kinky,

There was a town called Roachville,

Where two roaches met,

Talking about the weather,

It was rainy and wet.

But that was no buzzkill,

Indoors they would stay,

And then they saw a pile of candy,

On a table far away.

["So far, the only scary thing about this are the rimes", Rainbow Dash said.]

'Dude', said Roachbow Dash to Flutteroach, the other pest,

'We need to travel to that table far away in the west'

'We'll eat that sweet candy and then chill and digest.'

So it was decided and they got on the tracks,

For the big pile of snacks,

Until they reached some poker decks

Where they had to take a rest and relax.

They watched Roachity the white roach step on a trail of sirup

Getting stuck,

Crying out for dear life as she seemed out of luck.

When she was finally unstuck

Roachity discovered the fun fact

That for the next few minutes her brain was all but a wreck.

And to survive that sugar rush Roachity had to swing,

To come up with a roach song and to sing:

Badada Di Dam Dam,

Dam da Dam

Badada Di Dam Damn da Dam

Badada Di Dam Dam,

Dam da Dam,

Badada Di Dam Damn da Dam.

'That lady', said Roachbow Dash, 'doesn't look all that fresh'

'We ought to be on our way, 'caus straight ahead, there's the desk.'

And as they look up the table legs, and turn their little necks,

Flutterroach is getting sick to her stomachs and forgets all about snacks.

And she says to Roachbow 'I'm afraid you have to go without me',

'Hights like that, my dear friend, make me shake all my knees.'

Roachbow's  lust for candy however was without measure,

She climbed up the leg like Daring Do hunting treasure.

As she arrived on top, she said 'Yep, that is all dandy'

'Now I can go ahead and ingest all that candy.'

She devoured all the snacks like Pinkie Pie would have done,

In the blink of an eye the great pile was all gone.

Owie, owie, owie, that was too much of a good thing!

For at least ten whole minutes, she would do no more dashing.

And to survive the sugar rush she had to swing,

To remember Roachity's roach song and to sing:

Badada Di Dam Dam,

Dam da Dam

Badada Di Dam Damn da Dam

Badada Di Dam Dam,

Dam da Dam,

Badada Di Dam Damn da Dam.

The door swings open, and here comes the Pinkie,

She was down in the bakery, making the world's largest twinkie.

She's looking around, and she cries out 'Oh No!'

She is hungry for her candy, but where did it go?

Where it used to be, there's just a bloated insect,

Which is getting Pinkie all philosophical, and this has the effect

That she picks up that insect,

And drops her in a bowl of cool whip, leaving her no time to frown,

Puts a cherry on top...

...

And then swallows her down.

...

And in her sugar rush Pinkie starts to swing,

To shake her little rump and then to sing:

Badada Di Dam Dam,

Dam da Dam

Badada Di Dam Damn da Dam

Badada Di Dam Dam,

Dam da Dam,

Badada Di Dam Damn da Dam."

-

["Yet another fic where I get to eat someone", Pinkie chuckled. "Neat!"

"That poor roach", Fluttershy objected.

"Poor roach? It ate all my candy! I say justice was served."

Rarity shuddered. "Pinkie, darling, you are not suggesting this... writing was based on real events?"

"No?", Pinkie Pie proposed innocently. A little too innocently for Rarity's taste.

"Another lame one", Rainbow Dash said. "Now I know I should never become a roach. Wow. However am I going to avoid that?"

"I wouldn't be so cocky if I were you", Twilight pointed out, "Just recently, I discovered a spell like that in the library. It's one of the kafkaskan curses. Who knows? Might become relevant in one of our adventures."

"Hopefully not", Rarity sighed.]

_

Author's note: this is based on a beautiful ballad created by Creme de la Creme, called 'Haschisch Kakerlaken' or simply 'Das Kakerlakenlied'. All I did was to translate into English and ponyfy, with questionable results.