Chapters Sincerely, Your Former Roommate
Deep in the Everfree, there stands the ruins of a palace. It was in this building that the Elements of Harmony were once rumored to have been hidden, and it is here that they were used to cleanse the world of Nightmare Moon.
However, if you take a left turn on the way to the throne room, and follow a passageway down to the living quarters, you will find an ancient kitchen. Within this kitchen, sits a fridge, older than any written history. The contents of this fridge are two bowls, and one-eighth of a milk carton. The rest of the milk carton, as well as its contents and the salads that once rested in those bowls, have been devoured by a species of mold which is well on its way to gaining sentience.
Sometimes, when the wind and chance swinging of doors line up just right, a draft will enter this kitchen and stir several brightly colored pieces of paper that hang among the heart-shaped magnets. These papers tell a story so old that only a handful remember …
Sincerely, Your Former Roommate
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BEANBAG CHAIRS IN THE COMMON ROOM?
Last night, when I went to bed, they were comfortable accommodations for large-framed individuals. This morning, they are enormous balls of cotton candy. I had to spend an extra fifty minutes this morning cleaning my coat.
Leaving food in the open was specifically discussed in our first house meeting a thousand years ago. It will lure insects and rodents. Clean this mess up, whoever did it.
BIG SIS
We didn't touch your precious chairs!
LITTLE SIS
I did that. You're welcome.
DISCY
Just how many cats do you own now? I appreciate that you are an animal lover, but they seem to be everywhere, and it is starting to smell as if they aren't entirely housebroken.
Please, look after your pets' sanitary needs better.
BIG SIS and LITTLE SIS
When we had our first house meeting, it was agreed that we could keep pets. I have never complained about your gerbil. My many, many stray cats should receive the same respect.
DISCY
I understand you are from a foreign country. You have grown up in customs that I would consider strange and unfamiliar. Maybe, in your distant homeland, it is considered a great honor to have a cat vomit in your bathtub. Maybe, there the constant sound of clicking, banging and mewling at all hours of the day are considered to be a soothing music. Maybe, it is even considered a compliment to have your slippers shredded and spread across half the house.
In Equestria, we consider being the recipient of these actions disgusting and undesirable. Please, take better care of your animals.
BIG SIS
PS: Have you ever read about Taxonoma parasites? We’ll find a cure, please help yourself in the interim. Get rid of the freaking cats.
XOXO,
LITTLE SIS
I’m teaching my cats to tap dance. I dunno why you’d have a problem with that.
Sometimes all the dancing makes their tummies hurt.
DISCY
This house smells like URINE! All of it.
LUNA
All of what? Without specification, I was left to guess. Based on phonetic pronunciation, I have determined you were requesting an “Olive Garden.”
No need to thank me for the family restaurant now located where your bedroom used to be. My cats will be serving as the wait staff in between tap dancing lessons.
DISCY
The family restaurant has been ejected from the house. It should have been obvious that my sister meant all of this house smells like all of the urine that has ever been peed by all of the cats in the entire world.
This is your last chance to correct your disruptive behaviors. If you will not contribute to the harmony of this household, then you will be evicted from it.
Clean up after your cats.
Sincerely,
BIG SIS
I have never complained about your pet gerbil, I don't understand why my cats should be the constant subject of your hounding. Further, I resent your rash actions with regard to the Olive Garden. Do you have any idea how difficult it was to get the franchising rights to build that restaurant in my house? It wasn't, because I forged the paperwork, and then didn't submit it.
Tap dancing is a very demanding activity. My cats require frequent hydration if they are to continue training at the rigorous pace I have set.
DISCY
My gerbil is named "Twilight Sparkle." Did you notice that? How the animal has a name? How it is specifically taken care of? You have made no such efforts with your cats and we are all paying the price. I am ready to call animal control, the police, the health board, the fire department, the army, and the Equestrian national guard.
Fix yourself.
Sincerely,
CELESTIA
Each of my cats does have a name. Since you've never bothered to learn them, here is a list, Meowlezebub, Meowphisto, Meowchiavelli, Mr. Meowslby ...
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Discord continues for three post-it notes to provide a long list of names. Every single one of them including the word "meow."]
... and, of course, Meowmeowmeow von Meow.
I adore my pets and do not wish to hamper their freedoms with such things as "toilet training" or "neutering." Those are oppressive behaviors that violate their natural instincts.
I would be sorry that the smell bothers you, but I don’t really feel like extending that kind of effort. Instead, enjoy the complimentary nose plugs.
DISCY
Those are not nose plugs, they are ear plugs. And they appear to have been used.
LUNA
They do not "appear to have been used". They were used. I had to test them, didn't I?
But do not fear. They were only in my nose, so you're good to go with them.
DISCY
This is your last chance, either your cats go, or you and your cats go. Also you can take the cotton candy beanbag furniture with you.
Sincerely,
PRINCESS LUNA and PRINCESS CELESTIA
You think you can just evict me? Well, little missies, you’ve got another thing coming. I’m coming back, you here? I’ll be-
Shoot, the cops? You really called the cops over cat pee?
Sincerely,
DISCORD
He detached me to finish writing this note. He'll be back. You haven't heard the last of Discord or his left claw. This house will be filled with cat pee, tap dancing animals and cotton candy furniture. No one will sleep, no one will rest, and no one will spend all afternoon watching public access television when there are, literally, a hundred other things more interesting to watch.
Sincerely,
LEFTY
Sincerely, Your Former Roommate
... After this note, there is a space left on the fridge. A gap of years uncounted passes without notice, although the missives are left in the public space. Perhaps the papers were left hanging as a permanent marker of victory, similar to how one would keep a statue in their garden. Or, perhaps, they remained as a lesson about taking in foreign housemates, and a lesson about the dangers of passive aggressive behavior.
If a student of chronostationarography were to spend his entire life meditating on the layers of colors visible in the standard packet of Post-Its, he might be able to approximate the time this gap spans. Unfortunately, there is no such science as chronostationarography, because, really, that is a dumb idea. I'm sorry I brought it up.
After this time of peace, presumably of growth, life and years spent in idle company, a new conflict began to brew ...
Sincerely, Your Former Roommate
Please keep the volume down during the early evening hours. I understand that the bathroom door sometimes sticks because of residual cat vomit, but that is no reason to slam it open and shut.
Your music choices, while certainly interesting in both their choice of rhythm and selection of lyrics, are not conducive to sleeping. Remember, my room is right beside the bathroom.
BIG SIS
We would gladly change bedrooms with you. The eastward window in our room causes your sun to keep Us awake most mornings, and We certainly wouldn't mind a shorter walk to the bathroom and kitchen.
LITTLE SIS
I understand that you work nights. This makes it difficult for you to get out to the grocery store on a regular basis. Any shopping you need taken care of during the day, I will happily do if you leave me a list and some bits.
In the interim, please do not eat the meals I cook for myself. I am on a strict diet, and those meals are specially prepared to have the proper calories and nutrition.
BIG SIS
[EDITOR'S NOTE: The following note was written on a piece of paper taped beside the previous post-it. It had a smiling fruit basket on the header and convenient lines.]
Thank you for taping a blank piece of paper to the fridge beside your note. We never would have been able to find such an object on Our own. It was truly a wonder that We found a pen in order to make this reply. In future, please take care to note all Our needs as We are so riddled with Our own incompetence it is a wonder We are capable of RUNNING HALF OF AN ENTIRE KINGDOM.
Given how such menial tasks as overseeing three simultaneous trials, conducting negotiations with the Griffon Kingdom, and maintaining the moon and stars during the peak season has left Us with little free time, We thought you might understand if We took one of the five salads in the refrigerator.
Unfortunately, We seem to have almost completely filled out this piece of paper with Our gratitude. We still have room enough for one item though, so how about …
One Bit’s Worth of Lightening Up About Your Freaking Salads
LITTLE SIS
PS: You don’t have to worry about any more of your meals being taken. The dressing was terrible, and there were way too many carrots.
I am sorry if the meals I plan for myself aren’t suited to your palette. I am sorry if you are offended by my efforts to help out. I am sorry for trying to be a good big sister. I am sorry for every time I have ever said a nice thing about you to my friends. I am sorry for taking your ice cream out of the freezer this morning and leaving it out on the counter.
Oh, no, wait, I'm not sorry for the last one.
Your Very Sorry (About Some Things),
BIG SIS
Wow, ~~Big~~ Sister. Your maturity astounds Us. Truly, the day has found a worthy mistress in you. So has this carton of ice cream you've despoiled. We hope you enjoyed cleaning it off the floor of your room.
While we're on the subject of you leaving things out, don't think we haven't noticed you subtly extending daylight hours. Mom said we were supposed to share the skies of Equestria, not that you were supposed to monopolize it.
LITTLE SIS
It's called Spring. It happens every twelve months, in case you haven't noticed.
A thousand years ago, we had to evict one of our roommates for being disrespectful. I'm sure you've felt the blow to your pocket book since then, as I have. Unfortunately, our advertisements for another immortal demigod willing to split the rent three ways have so far been ignored.
We don't need to go down that road again.
Hoping you calm down,
BIG SIS
We're not going down any road, sister. It was you who chose to despoil Our frozen treats.
While We're at it, there is a space between yesterday and a thousand years ago. It is called, "most of time." Simply saying things are old doesn't make you look any smarter.
Sincerely,
LITTLE SIS
Sorry, I meant to say, "exactly 3,865 days, 12 hours, and 15 minutes ago as of the writing of this letter."
Living with you is turning into a real nightmare.
Your Occasionally Non-Literal Sister,
CELESTIA
WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE!?
Daylight Saving's Time? As soon as We start getting Our time back after all the show-hogging you did during the Summer, you think you can just rearrange the clocks to slight Us?
Sincerely,
LITTLE SIS
The Earth Ponies requested it. Maybe if you added some more stars, like I suggested ~~a thousand years~~ exactly 76,854 days and two hours ago, they'd be able to conduct their morning business without fear of tripping over their own hooves in the dark. Then I wouldn't have to go through the bureaucratic mess of a time change every six months.
Sincerely,
BIG SIS
Some of Us are capable of appreciating the subtlety of the stars dancing in their place without flooding everything out with a big, honking spotlight. We're very sorry if our delicate approach doesn't amuse you.
Sincerely,
LITTLE SIS
Do you know what this is?
This is unacceptable. That is what it is.
I am not mother and should not have to clean up after you.
Next time I find your things in my sky during the day, I will assume they are my property and take them from you.
Sincerely,
CELESTIA
I’m pretty sure that is a moon.
So is this,
XOXO,
LUNA
Princess Luna,
And you accuse me of being immature?
Is that supposed to be a picture of your rump? Where are the wings or horns? Have you ever looked in a mirror?
Sincerely,
PRINCESS CELESTIA
Of course it is a drawing of Our posterior. If it was supposed to be of yours, it would look like so,
Notice the enormous size and girth of your buttocks. How is that diet working for you? Notice anything different about your salads of late?
XOXOXO,
PRINCESS LUNA
Princess Luna,
LEAVE MY SALADS OUT OF THIS! I KNOW WHERE AND WHEN YOU SLEEP!
I'll ask you one more time to be polite and respectful, then I will not hesitate to get the landlord involved. Also, quit drawing moons on the fridge. You're acting like a child. You were named after our Great Aunt, not some juvenile fool.
Sincerely,
PRINCESS CELESTIA
Princess Celestia,
Maybe you are right. We grow so tired of this name.
From now on, you may call us,
NIGHTMARE MOON!
If you enjoyed this little drawing, We can't wait until you see what We did to your beloved crown.
Forever Yours,
NIGHTMARE MOON
Dear Roomy,
Guess what has four legs, two wings, one smart mouth and is about to be evicted to a celestial body?
See ya in a thousand years.
Sincerely Wishing You Well,
The One and Only, PRINCESS CELESTIA OF EQUESTRIA
PS: Just for you, this time when I say "a thousand years," I literally mean a thousands years.
Sincerely, Your Former Roommate
... And thus, the last note concludes. The paper is ragged at the lower edge where it brushes the floor, hanging as it does off the bottom of the refrigerator door. There is nothing else of history in this abandoned place, just dust and a few take-out menus.
On the table lays a single piece of paper, informing the remaining occupant that her rent is overdue and that she has 24 hours to vacate the premises or pay the total rent plus late fees. With no companions left to rely on, one can only conclude that she vacated for more humble dwellings.
No historian has ever been able to determine why these notes were left completely intact, displaying a rainbow of passive-aggression and bitterness. Perhaps, it was to serve as a warning to future generations about the dangers of indirect communication? A cautionary tale for which three potential friends payed dearly. How differently might the history of this abandoned place have played out had they just discuss their differences reasonably?
Or maybe people are just lazy and don't clean up after themselves when they move out.
Isn't that right, Lewis? Guess what? I gave all your shit away. Including that violin you paid $500 for. Yeah, the one you kept reminding me not to mess with despite the fact that I NEVER MESSED WITH YOUR STUFF, EVER.
But someone else is messing with it now.
Because. I. Gave. It. Away.
Suck on it, Lewis. Suck on it till it's dry.
Sincerely,
Your Former Roommate
