The Chronicles of Psychologist Pie
The Chronicles of Psychologist Pie
By Biglulu
Pinkie Pie stared at the bowl of oatmeal quizzically. Steam wafted up into the air, and small bubbles occasionally bursted on the surface of the goo with an inaudible pop.
Pinkie brought her clipboard up and scribbled furiously on it, recording her observations. When she was done, she pushed her thick rimmed glasses back up her muzzle. She turned around and bounced into the velvet psychologist's chair.
Pinkie looked to the stool across from her to address her patient.
"What's the matter, Oatmeal?" she chirped.
A few seconds of silence. No reply.
"Oatmeal, if you don't tell me what's the matter, I can't help you!" Pinkie pointed an accusing hoof at the bowl.
A pause. "Sorry Pinkie, it's just, I'm kinda shy," a disembodied voice spoke from the direction of the oatmeal.
"You don't have to be shy with me! Just tell me allll your problems!" Pinkie took the quill and clipboard in her hooves, ready to write.
"Well... alright. I'm kinda scared of becoming cold," the oatmeal replied.
Pinkie stuck her tongue out as she wrote this new information down.
"That's nothing to be afraid of, silly! You can just get warmed up in the microwave!"
"T- That's another thing I'm scared of," the oatmeal replied hesitantly. "What if the microwave hurts me?"
Pinkie replied as she scribbled. "Why would it hurt you? That doesn't even make any sense! Of course, I've never been in a microwave myself, so I wouldn't know. But I'm a pony, and you're oatmeal. Even if it would hurt me, there's no reason it would hurt you. You were cooked when you were made, heat shouldn't hurt you!"
"I- I'm still scared," the oatmeal said shakily.
Pinkie sighed. A second later, her face lit up as she had a brilliant idea.
"I'll help you get over your fears, Oatmeal. Be right back!" And with that, Pinkie ran out of the room.
Just as quickly, Pinkie returned with a white fan. She set it on the stool beside the oatmeal and plugged it into a nearby power outlet.
"W- What?!" the oatmeal exclaimed. "You're going to cool me down?!"
"Don't worry your pretty little bowl about it," Pinkie assured while tapping the porcelain bowl with a hoof. "Your fears will be gone, and you'll be fine!"
"Please don't," the oatmeal whimpered.
Pinkie ignored it and flipped the switch on the fan.
The oatmeal was silent for a few minutes while the fan cooled it down.
"How are you feeling?" Pinkie asked.
Silence.
"Oatmeal?" Pinkie repeated, concerned that she had actually harmed it.
Still no reply.
"Oatmeal, are you ok?" Pinkie exclaimed, shutting off the fan and putting her face right up to the bowl.
"You were right, I'm not hurt," the oatmeal finally replied, failing to hold back a snicker.
Pinkie visibly relaxed. "You scared me, Oatmeal! Why didn't you answer me?"
"I thought it would be funny," it replied, still snickering.
Pinkie glared at the bowl, but a moment later her mood shifted and she burst into giggles.
"I guess it was pretty funny," she said between giggles. "Are you ready to get warmed up in the microwave now?"
The oatmeal gulped. "I- I don't know."
"Come on!" Pinkie encouraged. "You were scared of becoming cold, and look how that turned out. The microwave will be just the same."
"Um..."
"Trust me! You'll be fine."
"O - Okay," the oatmeal gave in nervously.
"Excellent!" exclaimed Pinkie as she grabbed the bowl.
She took it to the kitchen and put it in the microwave.
"I'll only set it for a minute, so don't worry!"
Before the oatmeal could reply, Pinkie slammed the door on it. She then pressed the buttons on the keypad to set the timer to one minute. She started it, and the microwave whirred to life gracefully.
As the microwave hummed, Pinkie paced nervously. She knew that sticking a pony in a microwave was very dangerous, but oatmeal was food. It should be alright... right?
After what seemed like an eternity of worry, the timer finally rang and the microwave shut down. Pinkie Pie quickly opened the door and took the oatmeal out.
"Are you okay?" Pinkie asked nervously.
"I'm fine," the oatmeal replied quietly. "Can you take me back to the other room? I'm more comfortable there."
Pinkie shrugged and took the oatmeal back to the previous room. She set it down on the stool it was on before. "So, how was it?"
"You were right, it didn't hurt at all. I actually feel better now that I'm warm again."
Pinkie bounced back onto her chair and took up the clipboard again, recording everything that happened.
"Well Oatmeal, I'm happy to say that you have a clean bill of mental health. All your problems have been solved!" she proclaimed excitedly.
"Actually," the oatmeal started. "I have one more problem."
Pinkie looked over the rim of her glasses. "What's that?"
"I want you to eat me."
Pinkie shouted in shock. "Oatmeal, are you crazy?! Eating you probably will hurt you!"
"No it won't! I've seem ponies eat lots of food back when I was still in a bag in the pantry. None of them were hurt."
Pinkie narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the bowl of oatmeal.
"How do you know that they weren't hurt?" she asked condescendingly.
"Simple," the oatmeal replied. "They weren't screaming in pain."
Pinkie narrowed her eyes further. Suddenly, her face lit up. "That makes sense!" she exclaimed. "Let me get a spoon."
Pinkie ran into the kitchen. Banging and clattering could be heard coming from it until she returned with a spoon in her mouth.
"Okay, you ready to try it?" she mumbled through the handle.
"Yup! Eat me when you're ready!"
Pinkie transferred the handle of the spoon from her mouth to a hoof. She then scooped a chunk of oatmeal into it and ate it.
She swallowed with a hum of joy. "Mmmmh! You taste really good!"
There was no reply.
"Oatmeal?" Pinkie asked carefully.
Silence. Pinkie waited for a minute. Still nothing.
"Ohmygosh, Oatmeal!" Pinkie shouted as she picked up the bowl.
"I have to take you to Nurse Redheart!" she exclaimed as she galloped out of the room.
A few seconds later, a bang was heard as the front door of the bakery was slammed shut with Pinkie's departure.
Rainbow Dash crawled out from under the table against the far wall.
"Pinkie Pie," she got our between bouts of laughter. "You are so random!"
