The Villains Anonymous Support Group

by SpiralWriter

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, King Sombra, Queen Chrysalis, Other, Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Nightmare Moon
Length: 6823

The Elements of Harmony getting you down? Come to Villains Anonymous, where all evil is welcome.

Ever been bested by a sickeningly sweet pony, specifically one who wields the Elements of Harmony? Are you just tired of love and hope and kindness filling your world? I know I am. Come to the next meeting of Villains Anonymous, where no unjust deed of cruelty goes unrewarded. Discuss your beliefs of disaster and anarchy with your like-minded colleagues, speak of plans for your next big scheme for world domination, or just be a stuck-up jerk. Here at Villains Anonymous, all evil is welcome.

-Discord, The Spirit of Disharmony

P.S., Chrysalis, it's your turn to bring snacks.

---

Updated 11/11/12

Seeing as how some of you want me to write more, I'll get on it soon.

Published 2012-11-11 10:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-19 18:35:34 UTC

Villains Anonymous

"Okay everypony, and dragon, and monster, and whatever else you could be, we're all going to stand up and introduce ourselves!"

A set of over a dozen eyes just stared at him.

"I'll be the first to start."

A tall creature of mispositioned animal parts slithered up from his chair, simply hovering in mid-air rather than stand. His wonky eyes madly went to and fro amongst the others, lit up with glee and a tad hint of insanity."Hello!"He chuckled as he held up an eagle's claw."I'm Discord, Spirit of Disharmony, master of all things chaotic. Good to meet you all!"

"Shouldn't you be imprisoned in stone or something?"A voice from the back of the room called out. Discord looked for whoever had questioned him, his eyes roving over a room filled with dozens of evils of all kinds sitting in rows of chairs, but he only shrugged in reply."This story isn't canon, my questioning friend...who I'm going to find and speak with after our meeting is over."

A large blue minotaur closer up in the front row raised his hand."Iron Will has a question!"

"Yes, you with the muscles!"The draconequus pointed at him.

"What's canon?"

"I'll tell you later. Can we just get on with the introductions people?"

A shuffle of chairs as one by one, most of them stood up to introduce themselves.

"Queen Chrysalis, Mother of all Changelings."

"Nightmare Moon, embodiment of the night and fear."

"The Great and Powerful Trixie-"

"Diamond Dogs!"

"Hggggooooooh!"A timberwolf howled out.

"Alright, good to hear, glad you all could make it."The spirit of disharmony clapped his hands, settling down all the gathered evil."I would like to bring to order this week's meeting of Villains Anonymous. Let's see...what's on tonight's schedule?"He held out his awaiting palm, to which a parasprite dropped a scroll into. Producing reading glasses from thin air, Discord unfurled the scroll to read."Okay..."He muttered as he leaned in close towards the scroll.

"'Learning to Deal With Defeat'...maybe we should skip that one. '101 Ways to Kill a Pony', we'll get to that one later tonight. 'Keeping Your Doom Castle Clean', ooh, gotta remember to attend that one."He went down the schedule, only to pause at a certain item,his lips muttering as he read."Chrysalis!"He snapped up to look at her.

"What is it, spirit?"She asked contemptuously, her green eyes meeting his.

"You forgot the snacks this week...again!"He scrunched up the scroll in his paws, the paper immediately incinerated into flecks of cinders.

"A queen does not retrieve...snacks."

"Oh, she does if she wants to keep coming to this support group!"

"I do not need this...'group', as you so claim it to be."She huffed in reply.

"Then why do you come every week?"Nightmare Moon asked with a bored tone, leaning back casually in her chair.

"Because..."She paused as she raised a hoof spattered with holes to point at the night alicorn, only for her words to fall short."...I'm lonely."She whispered.

"What was that?"Nightmare's face held a fanged smirk.

"I'm lonely..."

"Speak up, darling, none of us can hear you."

"I'm very lonely, happy now?!"She screamed out, frantically waving her forelegs."All I have is my changelings,"She grabbed a nearby one and clutched it tightly to her chest."And they're not the smartest things to have an intellectual conversation with! All they can do is screech and chitter!"She raised it up to her face, the changeling's stupid gaze staring into hers."But your momma's little babies, aren't you?"She cooed, to which the creature replied with a shriek.

"See everyone, now that's a break-through!"Discord guffawed, to which a series of clapping occurred for Queen Chrysalis.

"You still have to bring the snacks next week though."He deadpanned to her."Okay, next on the agenda,"A small sound of a door closing and the shuffling of hooves towards the back row was heard. He cocked up his head, stretching it over the varying crowd of assembled evils. Spotted in the very back row was a grey unicorn, his mane whipping about as tendrils of smoke, armored in steel and a regal coat over his back. What stood out was his angry red horn.

"You there!"Discord pointed, to which every creature followed his finger to turn around and gaze at the unicorn, who only huffed in reply."A newcomer!"He giggled almost playfully."Welcome to Villains Anonymous, you're a little late, but could we get your name?"

A grumble came from the superfluously dressed unicorn.

Having no patience for going through another set of whispering, Discord snapped his fingers, and the large unicorn landed right next to him, looking surprised as his heavy metallic hooves clacked down onto a new spot.

"Your name, sir?"

The unicorn looked from Discord to the crowd in front of him. He grimaced with gritted fangs as he roared out his introduction with a gutteral voice."I am King Sombra, feared ruler of Crystal Empire in the far north, my kingdom taken from me by-"

"Ponies."Discord interrupted him.

"How did you know?!"Sombra turned to look warily upon Discord.

Discord rubbed a claw into his ear, picking out some ear wax."If you could turn down the volume a bit on your voice, that'd be swell. And to answer your question,"He sucked at his teeth."We've all experienced it. Let me guess, there were about six of them...possibly a baby dragon too...and they were named Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity?"

Every villain present hissed or winced at the names of the Mane Six.

"...Yes."Sombra glowered in reply.

"King...Sombrero was it?"Discord wrapped a friendly arm around the monstrous unicorn's shoulders.

"Sombra."

"We've all tasted defeat by them...you are amongst friends."He waved out a paw towards the multitude of baddies, each one giving him a sympathetic look. King Sombra allowed a small smile to escape.

"I just don't know!"King Sombra cried out, tears openly pouring from his eyes, to which Discord patted him on the back, offering a tissue.

"All I wanted to do was take my kingdom back...is that so wrong?!"

"Ssh...no it's not, friend. All I wanted to do was plunge Equestria into total chaos...but they denied me that too."

"I mean,"Sombra stuttered out, blowing his nose on the tissue."There was nothing wrong with the way I was running the kingdom! All the crystal ponies had to do was subject themselves to me as their utter ruler! I mean, I even gave them all a steady job working the crystal mines! Sure, they were chained up while doing it, but it was still work! If I hadn't been banished, do you know how much our profits would've soared?! It would've helped Equestria's failing economy with our crystal exports!"

"Let it all out, Sombrero, let it all out."Discord patted him on the back once more.

The Following Week

"Come in, come in, don't shove. Lookin' great and powerful tonight, Trixie."Discord eagerly greeted his fellow villains who filed into the large building they met in every week.

"I always am."The blue unicorn flicked her illustrious cape over his shoulder, walking inside with a 'humph'.

"Chrissie! Glad you could make it, how's the kids back at home?"He chuckled as Queen Chrysalis approached, her eyes narrowing at his mundane nickname.

"The 'kids', as you say, spirit, are doing quite well. I even taught some of them a few words!"She sounded so proud, even though her changelings were only copying what she said without really understanding it, their true nature.

"Good to hear. By the way, you happen to have...I don't know...some snacks stuffed in one of your holes, would you?"He narrowed his insane eyes.

"..."

"You forgot again. Even after last week!"The air around him shimmered slightly in distortion as his reality-warping magic played off his skin.

"..."

"Not to worry!"He immediately brightened up with a cheery grin, belaying his erratic personality, tied to nothing but his own whims."I knew you'd forgot, so I rang up Pinkamena with the duty for bringing them."

A bouncing pink form ambled right up beside Chrysalis, balancing a plate of various colored cupcakes atop her head."Evening Discord,"She happily chirped at him."You too Chrissie."She nudged the Changeling Queen with a hoof, but she did return the greeting, only walking inside with a grumble.

"Ah, Pinkamena,"Discord flipped one of the cupcakes into the air, only to catch it in his lion's paw before taking a great bite out of the confection."You always make the best cupcakes."He chuckled, a dribble of something blue oozing down his mouth before he slurped it back up.

"I know."She giggled madly, wiping what appeared to be a red stain from her mane. She galloped inside, one of the last few to enter. The draconequus himself went inside and closed the door behind him, snapping his fingers, instantly hiding the Villains Anonymous building from view. All anypony would see was a discarded cardboard box sitting on the side of the road.

"Settle down everypony, settle down!"Discord walked into the large group of assorted monsters and miscreants, each one taking a seat, the sound of squeaking chairs echoing around the room."Now, I hear we need to congratulate somepony special today!"He chuckled."Getting back on his hooves and getting job!"

King Sombra stood up nervously to a round of clapping."I'm King Sombra,"

"Hi King Sombra,"Everyone greeted, though some in roars and guttural sounds.

"And I am currently working at McBurgerhooves now...stop by for one of our salads or a Hay Burger meal."

"How is it?"Discord asked, taking a seat himself.

"It's nothing special. I work the register, flip some patties,"Sombra continued."I'm just trying to get enough bits saved to get myself going. Oh, and I'm slowly working my influence upon the rest of the staff."He let out a little low chuckle."Soon, they'll all be under my control,"His red horn brightened, his form becoming more and more smoke-like."AND I WILL MARCH UPON THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE WITH MY NEW SLAVE ARMY AND RECLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE!"He was violently billowing all around the room, his dark magic glowing black crystals all across the floor.

"...Well good luck with that."Discord gave him a thumbs up."And this is a non-smoking area, so if you could just,"

Sombra nodded and resumed a physical form, the dark crystals around him retreading back into the ground.

"Thanks Sombrero."

"Alright,"The Spirit of Disharmony clapped his paw and claw to get attention."It's free time, everyone. Before we begin our schedule, say whatever's on your mind, there is no judgement here."

A shuffle of a chair, and a large, feathery form stood up."Hi..."She said unenthusiastically, her voice low and sounding incredibly bored."I'm Gilda..."

"Hi Gilda."A chorus replied.

"And I just want one thing clear here, losers."She raised her voice, pointing a claw at every one of them."I'm here because I need something to do, not because my therapist said I should visit 'like-minded peers' and learn to 'control my anger'."She unleashed a lions roar, causing some parasprites to be sent flying through the air."I don't need that, okay?!"

"I'm sure you're here for your own reasons, as are we all. Anything else you'd like to add?"Discord had magically concocted a glass of chocolate milk in one hand a large puff of cotton candy in the other, devouring the treats he could summon at a moment's notice.

"...Not really."She shrugged, plopping down heavily into her seat and folding her paws.

"Anypony else? Only one more before we begin."

"Greetings all!"Trixie stood up with a wide flourish of her cape, using her showmanship magic to create miniature fireworks around her.

"Hello Trixie."The voices greeted her, but they were a bit deadpan this time.

"And what do you have to share today, Trixie?"

"I just wanted to announce that I'm returning to Ponyville soon! I have been practicing and practicing with new types of magic, and I will challenge Twilight Sparkle herself to a dual!"

A steady stream of clapping.

"Really looking forward to it...on December the first, right?"Discord finished up his sweets with a loud slurp.

"...How'd you know?"

"Wikipedia article."

Iron Will slowly raised his hand to ask an obvious question. Discord narrowed his eyes at him, and the blue minotaur retracted what he was going to say.

"Now, onto tonight's schedule..."

--7pm--

The Positives and Negatives of Having Minions

"Say you have a minion,"Chrysalis held up one of her changelings in the air with magic, the simple beast staring ahead dumbly at the audience with unblinking, insectile eye.

"And take one of my changelings for example. They're plentiful, so you don't have to worry about a hero running out of fodder to beat on, they'll simply tire themselves out so your masses of minions can overpower them. They're stupid, so they'll follow your every command.

"But Chrysalis, what would be the negatives of having minions? It determines what kind you have. Take mine for example, one of their good traits is also their weaknesses."She lowered it back to the floor.

"This little fellow is named Flick."She pointed a hole-filled hoof at it."He's obeys everything I say, because I am his queen."She turned to look motherly at him."Say hello to the nice people, Flick."

The changeling blinked a few times at her before turning it's head to the crowd."Hello."It greeted, but with a voice that mimicked Chrysalis's.

"See? The downside of my minion is that he can only do what I can do to a certain extent. He can't rationalize, he can't do things on his own functions but something instinctual. What about your minions?"

"My minions are goats!"Iron Will thundered out.

"That's good. I take it they're not very smart either...?"

He lowered his head."No...."

"See everypony? You need a good minion, one with both loyalty and smarts...but not too smart."She flicked her horn and the changeling was carried up with her as she walked back to her seat, cuddling the monster close to her face."You did so well! Mommy's very proud!"

--7:30pm--

Dealing With Defeat

Very few attended this one. Only Discord, Nightmare Moon, and Sombra were present. The rest had muttered that they were going to take a break and get some fresh air outside. A little filly watched with wide eyes as countless visages of her nightmares emerged from a cardboard box, screaming back to her mother with tears in her eyes.

"Well..."Nightmare Moon began.

"We should skip this one."Discord interrupted like a child, his face pouting and his arms crossed.

"Now now, we should learn from our mistakes-"

"What we should do is skip this one."

"I'd actually like to hear about this one..."Sombra interceded with nervous grin.

"Fine."Discord sighed dramatically.

"First, we'll go around saying how we were defeated. That okay?"Nightmare Moon asked. The two villains before her nodded."Good. I was...blasted by the Elements of Harmony."She cringed at the memory. Oh the rainbow. She'll never forget that dreadful, colorful horror boring down upon her.

"Elements of Harmony."Discord muttered.

"I exploded from a blast of love and hope."

"Eh,"Discord shrugged."Basically the same thing."

Sombra shook his head in disagreement, his billowing mane drifting through the air."No, it isn't. See, I wasn't turned to stone or transformed back into my former self. I exploded, as in died."

"Then why are you still here?"

"My horn! It can regenerate, and wherever it lands, my hate magic takes hold."

"That's pretty convenient..."

"Hey, you yourself said this wasn't canon."

"You don't even know what that means!"

"No I do not!"Sombra exclaimed before simmering down."Could you please explain?"

Discord sighed once more before standing up."I really don't want to, but I can try to explain something else."He stuck out a claw, pointing it at an empty space in the building. It would appear as if somebody were looking in on them.

"A person is watching us right now, reading about our every actions on some dumb fanfiction website."

"...What's a website...and a person?"Nightmare Moon raised an eye questioningly.

"A website's something a person with no friends or hopes for the future spends all their time on, while a person is simply a pink monkey thing with no fur. And they can talk."

"..."

"..."

"...What?"Discord switched from looking at both of them, shrugging.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."Sombra shook his head at the answer.

"I'm the spirit of chaos! What, you don't believe me, Sombrero?!"

"It's a bit hard to really believe..."

"Here, I'll proof it!"Discord snapped his fingers, and in an instant, King Sombra had vanished. Nightmare Moon jumped at how easily Discord got rid of such a powerful figure."What did you do with him?!"

"Sent him to bronycon. Involved a little spatial warping and time travel, but he'll be okay."

He looked around, fear in his eyes. On every side, they surrounded him, countless in their numbers and infinite in their torture. One wore a piece of clothing that bore Twilight Sparkle, another carried a small toy of one of the Mane Six. Some were even disguised as the princesses, Celestia and Luna.

"Oh sweet buck...THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!"He nearly screamed, but that would alert them to his presence. No, he needed to escape.

To anyone paying attention, they would see a large man with long, black hair, a portion of it dyed red, charging through the crowds of bronies, utter terror upon his features.

Testimonies

"Have we learned our lesson?"Discord asked with a light chuckle, a smug grin stretched across his mismatched features.

"They were everywhere..."King Sombra quietly whispered back, shivering violently in his seat, his pupils shrunken to pinpricks in his wide eyes.

Slowly, the other villains trickled back in, taking their previous seats for the next item of the night. Once the Hydra had somehow managed to squeeze it's large frame through the narrow doorway, Discord only had to will it, and their little hideaway was a box once more. The small filly from before cautiously approached, tapping it delicately with her hoof. She would yelp the moment she touched it, as the image of the box shimmered and distorted itself into that of a building. She ran away screaming once again.

"...What happened to him?"Chrysalis questioned, motioning at Sombra, who had taken to laying in a fetal position on the floor.

Discord only cackled in reply, holding his sides with laughter.

--8:30 pm--

Testimonies

"GGGrrruuuaaaaaGGGGGH!"

"Hi Hydra."

"WwwwwhuuuuuaaAAAAAGgggugh!"

"I feel you, we all do."Discord sympathized with the colossal beast, to which ever other patron besides a monster looked confusedly between the dialogue of the multi-headed monster and the spirit of disharmony. It seemed only Discord himself and a few other monsters of myth present could understand the guttural roars and shrieks, while those who were well learned in the tongue of the beast were left simply in the dark while the Hydra gave it's testimony.

"AAAAuuuuugwagggaaaaaaaaaah!"

"You were simply lounging around in your comfortable swamp home, when all of a sudden ponies start barging around? How rude of them!"

One of the heads nodded solemnly while another continued 'speaking'.

"YaaaaaGGGGGhhhuaaa."

"So all you did was gently try to tell them to get off your property? Blasted ponies,"Discord shook his head in disapproval."They're all so selfish!"

The beast continued on for quite a while, bemoaning it's woes with more roars and growls. Most of the company present had no idea what it was saying. Once it was done with it's own testimony, a low sound of awkward clapping followed.

"What a touching story."Discord allowed one tear to slip down his face. He wiped it away, only for it to combust into a mini mushroom cloud explosion on the floor.

"Alright everypony, who's next?"

"Iron Will would like to share his testimony!"The muscled blue minotaur stood up.

"Go ahead, Steel Bill."The draconequus shrugged, leaning back in his own chair, kicking his feet up on a throw pillow from nowhere.

"As you all know, I am Iron Will!"He flexed after shouting his name, every bicep, every inch rippling with strength."And I do self-help and motivation classes! Not evil you say? Ha, Iron Will wants to let you see how much he's ripping ponies off! All they have to do is pay a fine fee of 19.99 bits a month, and all they get in return is Iron Will yelling at them to be better! Which they cannot! Thus, it is a neverending cycle of them getting ripped off and Iron Will getting rich!"He performed several poses afterwards.

"Is there any point to this, Johnny Bravo?"Discord questioned with a bored tone.

"Several months ago, somepony by the name of Fluttershy,"A cringe on every face from the name."Outsmarted Iron Will! Iron Will cannot self motivate himself anymore!"He slumped down into his chair, deflating at the words of his defeat."Iron Will can barely get up in the morning now! Iron Will has to drag himself from his bed and his pity ice cream to come here every week!"

"...Maybe if you'd stop referring to yourself in third person, you'd feel better."The mix-matched creature deadpanned.

Iron Will only nodded slowly, but he still looked depressed as ever, his facade of masculinity and confidence now gone.

"Anypony else? No takers? Fine, then we move onto the last item for the list..."

--9:00 pm--

Keeping Your Doom Castle Clean

"The proper steps to keeping your doom castle clean, everypony, is very essential if you wish to terrorize your enemies before they even see you face to face."Nightmare Moon trotted back and forth in a pace before the assembled levels of evil.

One hand shot up, Gilda."Do you even have a doom castle?"

"I do, as a matter of fact."

"Are you referring to that heap of rubble in the Everfree Forest?"

"It still counts as a doom castle!"She snapped before resuming her calm demeanor. Before she could continue, another hand was raised, interrupting her once more.

"What if we don't have a doom castle?"It sounded like a teenage dragon.

"Then get one!"Nightmare Moon said, already exasperated.

"How?"

"I don't know you little foal, build one yourself!"

"...Is it expensive?"

"Gaaah!"

"...Maybe we should continue this next week."Discord held Nightmare Moon back, her mane violently whipping back and forth in ethereal spikes that jutted out towards the position of the dragon sitting in the second row. He scooted his chair just an inch away from her. Once she had calmed down, the spirit motioned for everyone to stand up.

"Alright, let's close out with our motto. Grab somebody else's hoof, claw, hand, or whatever."

Their voices rang together in unison.

"Here at Villains Anonymous, all evil is welcome,

Whether it be a greedy dirty deed,

Or something much more sinister.

We do not judge,

For we know what it is like to be judged.

We reject the good,

And embrace who we are,

Rotten,

Nasty,

Lecherous,

And all around Evil."

They all released their hold on one another and began to file out the door. Discord waved them off with a chuckle."Have a nice night! And don't forget to bring a buddy next week!"

Visitors

"Alright, glad to see some of you brought your buddies this week!"

The various evils filed in, some alone, others with companions of their own. Once he was sure there was nopony else coming in, Discord sealed the exit for the next Villains Anonymous meeting.

"...Where's Sombrero?"

The spirit's mad eyes roved over the seated group before him, some faces familiar, others fresh and new. Strange enough, he did not see the Crystal Empire's former king.

"Does anypony know where he might be?" He questioned, scratching his beard thoughtfully. Only shrugs and the occasional grunt replied."Whole bunch of help you lot are," He snorted in reply, snapping his fingers and disappearing with the familiar flash of light, leaving the others quite confused as to where he had gone.

He reappeared seconds later in a new location, the sound of a static-y voice crackling over an intercom, the smell of grease and bubbly sofa wafting heavily through the air.

"Welcome to McBurgerhooves, may I take your order sir?"

Discord turned to the counter, a teenaged pony, lanky in form and zits populating a good majority of his face, greeted him, his voice high-pitched from puberty and strained with the braces on his teeth.

"Actually, I was wondering...has a certain...unicorn been working here lately? Really big and scary looking, grumbles a lot, pretty much a living shadow?"

"You mean the newbie, Sombra?"

The draconequus nodded eagerly.

The employee sighed."He hasn't been to work in a week! We've tried calling him, but all we get is his voice message of him crying."

"..."

"Is there anything else, sir?"The cashier looked at him with an annoyed expression. Discord peeked over his shoulder to see a line had formed behind him, each pony reluctant to approach the chaotic being lest they be transformed into pottery or some other form the spirit found them to be amusing in.

"Actually," He turned around to face the employee."I'll have a kiddie meal and a small drink please."

"You want a toy with that?" The cashier ringed up the food on the register.

"Yeah, I'll take a 'My Little Human' toy please."

"...You do realize that's a filly's toy, right?"

He narrowed his mad eyes at the teen employee, sending a shiver running down his spine. "Hey," He began, pointing a claw right at him." It's an awesome show. Don't diss us humonies."

"..."

Discord popped back into the Villains Meeting room with a small, colorful box filled with an equally small cheeseburger and french fries within it in one hand, a toy figurine of a human in the other hand. He took a slurp of his soda, the others staring at him incredulously.

"...So?"Nightmare Moon questioned.

He popped the straw to his drink out of his mouth with a loud smack. "I got a My Little Human toy! It's Lauren Faust this time!" He giggled ecstatically.

"...What about Sombra?"

The mashed-up being barely payed attention to the question, too busy playing with the small toy. "Oh. Something about him...crying. I think."

The sound of facepalming echoed around the entire building.

"Everyone, say hello to our guest this week!"

"Hello Bowser." A chorus greeted.

"Hello everyone." The massive, draconic/turtle creature replied back with a great and rumbly voice befitting a monster of his stature.

"Bowser's here today to tell us a little about dealing with your hero!" Discord explained, still a tad distracted by his toy.

"That's right!" The koopa king stood up with a heavy lurch. "Now, I've dealt with my hero for many years, while I heard you all have to handle six of them for only three years! Well, I'll tell ya, it's hard! And it doesn't get any easier, since most of the time, the hero always seems to win!"

A murmur of agreement moved through the crowd.

"All you have to do is one thing: Persist! Persistence is key to winning! Oh sure, it may take you around twenty-five years or so to beat 'im, but you'll get there one day! Kidnap your princess every day, and you'll be sure to keep her one day!"

"What if we don't have a princess?!" Iron Will's hand shot right up.

"Good question, my minotaur man! What if you don't have a princess?" He began to pace, his mighty weight sending a tremor through the ground with every step.

"Well," He paused to contemplate the question. "Well...I don't really have an answer for that. All I really do is kidnap...and kidnap again, hoping I'll be able to keep her one day."

"...That's all you do, really?"Chrysalis said haughtily.

"No! Sometimes I loom over the land ominously in my giant flying doom castle!"

A small whisper of 'yes!' could be heard from Nightmare Moon's direction.

"And always, always, I trounce my hero at the beginning! Only...he seems to get stronger by the end of his journey...and he just stomps on me a few times, then I'm out."

"..."

"Oh...the stomping...the jumping...oh..."

"You okay there, Bowser?"

"I can feel his boots banging against my head now..."

The massive koopa slowly huddled up on the floor, his body in a fetal position, rocking back and forth on his spiked shell and mumbling of 'Mario', even a few slips of a power-up or a mushroom escaping his lips.

"...Did anybody else bring somebody who's mentally unstable?"

Slowly, the scuffle of chairs came up, and most of the guests left, much to Discord's annoyance. He rubbed his temples to release the tension of an oncoming headache, something not even the joy of his small toy could disperse.

"Why is it so hard to be evil and not have complicated issues that affect your life?!"

The Very Evil Bake Sale

"Role call everypony! I'll go first. Discord, Spirit of Disharmony."

"Queen Chrysalis, Mother of Changelings."

"Nightmare Moon, embodiment of the night."

"..."

"Is that it? Something's different today..." Discord tapped his claw against his chin, the sound making a small click that echoed through the surprisingly empty room. Both the changeling and the alicorn gazed at him with annoyed and bored eyes.

"Something's...off. I can feel it."

Discord moved freely through the gathered villains, which was only the three of them. He went back to his spot in front of the two villainesses, crossed his arms, and put on one of his most poutiest of expressions. "Where is everybody else?!" He shouted, the sound echoing through the usually filled building of evil. Only Discord himself, Nightmare Moon, and Chrysalis had appeared for their weekly meeting.

"Everybody's finally seen how much of a waste this was." Chrysalis replied, leaning her chin on her hole-filled foreleg. Discord narrowed his red eyes at her briefly. "...It's not a waste of time."

"Then where is everyone?"

"That's what I'm trying to figure out!" He grunted. "Why are you two even here?"

"Nothing else to do." They both replied simultaneously in the most monotone of voices that only those truly bored could achieve.

Discord sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Just...just excuse me for a moment." He pointed at them both. "Don't go anywhere! I'll be right back..." And in his usual bright flash of light, he was gone.

"What do you mean you can't make it to this week's meeting?!"

"Iron Will has his confidence back! Iron Will has no more need for your support group!"

"That doesn't mean you still can't come!"

"Iron Will thinks somepony needs some self help videos. Mind browsing through the ones I have available? They're only 19.99 each!"

"...I'll take three."

"Why aren't you at the meeting?!"

"It was too namby-pamby for me."

"Maybe it would be less...'namby-pamby' if you came."

"Naw."

"Maybe you'd be more namby-pamby if your scales were pink."

What did you do?!"

"Aww...you too?"

"GGHWWWWaaauuWWWWuuuugh!"

"...Please?"

"HhhhruuuuGGGGhh!"

"Fine..."

"What in Celestia's name do you mean you're not essentially 'evil' anymore?!"

"The Great and Powerful Trixie has turned from the ways of antagonism! I have now been humbled to the most Great and Apologetic Trixie!"

"..."

"I'm nice now."

"..."

"Twilight and I are going to have brunch next week."

"..."

"It's going to be nice."

"...You disgust me."

"Sorry. See how apologetic I've become?"

After many failed attempts at visiting the previous members of the Villains Anonymous Support Group, Discord had finally zapped himself to final and only hope of preventing this evening from being a bore for him: King Sombra.

He found himself in a very dark room that smelled of strong cheese and failure. Don't ask Discord what failure smelled like, you would know if ever your nostrils took a whiff of it. The spirit hovered above the floor, as they it was littered with various discardings of everyday life, from hayburger wrappers to crumpled tissues. There was a light sobbing filling the room, and Discord turned to see the once mighty and proud villain stark naked and weeping in a corner.

"...Sombrero?"

"Who's there?!"

"It's just me..." Discord floated a bit closer.

"Is it another human?!"

"Do I look human to you?"

Sombra looked up momentarily, his eyes flashing a hint of realization. He exploded into an other fit of crying. "Discord! Oh thank evilness that your here! They're...they're everywhere! Outside my apartment, in my apartment, in my head, and in my bathroom!"

"...Who's here? Is it Bowser? 'Cause I don't think I sent him back to his world...I might've accidentally dropped him in some world where the main hero's name is...Zelda I think?"

"No! The humans! They...they followed me back here. With their fingers and their furless bodies..."

Discord shook his head and smirked. "I think I'd know when a little dimensional crossing would happen, Sombrero." He said this rather smugly, but as he did, two portals were ripped open in the apartment, tearing the very fabric of reality apart. They appeared adjacent to one another in contrasting colors, one blue, the other orange.

A slender woman clad in a white tank top and orange jumper pants stepped through one of the portals and into the apartment, glancing curiously at Discord and Sombra. She clenched her strange little white gun a bit before nodding at them and stepping through the other portal to dissapear.

"...Except this time. This was the only time that I didn't know some dimension-jumping would happen."

"That was...a human."

"A dangerous, mute lunatic more like it. Who just comes bursting into other people's homes without knocking! Other than Jehovah's Witnesses?"

"That. Was. A. HUMAN."

"Okay Sombrero...you might wanna calm down..." Discord inched closer to the panicked unicorn, the king sweating profusely and his wide eyes darting to and fro in fear.

"I'm scared...so scared..."

"It's okay, Daddy Discord's here to make everything better." The draconequus picked him in a very demeaning fashion, like holding a child, but Sombra did not care. He almost seemed comforted at the discombobulated creature's touch.

"Better?"

"Much..."

"Good."

Discord dropped him.

"Now, is there a reason you didn't come to this week's group meeting? Or the last?"

King Sombra almost looked away in shame. "I...didn't want to face you all. I sort of...lost my job. Fired for freaking out at the 'My Little Human' toys..."

"Aww...does this mean you can't get me the rest of them?! I have like three Lauren Fausts and no matter how many kids meals I buy, I can't find the rest of the characters in the series!"

Sombra continued on despite Discord's rant about children's toys. "Now, I have no income...no money...and I can't pay for psychiatric help."

"So sorry to hear that, Sombrero..."

Discord snapped his fingers and the two vanished in a flash to leave behind the empty apartment, save for the two still open portals, through which a small white robotic orb floated through after the silent woman.

They appeared back in the support group building, Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon almost asleep before the two male villains popped back into place.

"What took you so long?" Moon asked, wiping the drowsiness from her eyes.

"Doesn't matter. What does matter is getting Sombrero here help! He can't afford the My Little Human toys! We have to help him!"

"I said that my problem was affording a psychiatrist...I think I have a real fear of humans now..." Sombra stated, but his words went unheeded.

"So what do you propose that we to aid our fellow evil-doer, hmm?" Queen Chrysalis mused flatly.

"A bake sale of course!" Discord stated this proudly and with a puffed out chest.

"You have got to be bucking kidding me."

"Come one, come all to the best bake sale in all of Equestria! Our cakes make Mr. and Mrs. Cake's seem like dung! Our muffins are to die for! Literally! Some ponies have died trying to eat them!" Discord amplified his voice so all of Equestria could hear his announcement for the seemingly 'best bake sale'.

Many stands bearing various concoctions that could barely be called confectionery aligned in front of the cardboard box where the meetings of evil took place, and a few ponies dared venture forth.

"Hello little pony, and what kind of treat do you want today?" Discord leaned down towards the screaming filly that had eyed their box so many times before, her eyes wide with fear.

"A...a-a-a cupcake please?"

"Sure! That'll be three bits." He held out his palm.

"But I only have one..."

"That works." He snatched the gold coin from her hoof before jerking back up to his full height and calling over his shoulder. "Pinkamena! Get this young lady over here a cupcake!"

"Will do, Dissy!" The flat-haired, slighter darker toned pony bounced over and placed a cupcake in front of the frightened filly.

"Go on, try it! Made it...special." She cackled before going back to her own stand of odd cupcakes that bore cutie marks on their icings with flecks of red frosting on them.

"So, how's it coming along? How much have we made so far?" Discord ambled over to Nightmare Moon sitting at the table that held the lockbox with all of their earned coin in it, flicking the just earned bit into the box, the small monetary value making a satisfying clink once it landed.

"So far?" Nightmare Moon placed a hoof on her chin to think. "So far...we've earned a grand of total of only one bit."

"But...I saw ponies here earlier looking at our treats!"

"Those were guards. I'd imagine they'll be here soon with back-up!"

"What about that pony?!" He pointed at a random stallion who tried to pass down the street unnoticed. "You there, buy our food!"

The stallion averted his gaze, shuffling a bit faster down the road.

"I know you can hear me! Get your flank over here and stuff your face with sugar and calories!"

The stallion broke into a run as he frantically tried to dash away as far as possible.

"Chrysalis!" Discord snapped.

"We're on it...seize him my changelings!" Chrysalis commanded, to which several of her minions flew off in hot pursuit of the stallion who refused to eat their evilly enticing sweets.

A small gallop could be heard over the horizon as the bake dwindled on. Discord perked up his ears curiously. What was that? Sounded like a lot of hooves running at the same time. Couldn't be a stampede, ponies hadn't stampeded since pre-equestrian times.

"Discord..." Sombra nervously walked up beside the draconequus, pulling at his side.

"What's up, Sombrero?"

"I think those guards from earlier brought friends..."

All at once, from every corner, every direction, a Royal Guard surrounded the bake sale with either a sword or a spear pointed at the small group of evil.

"Told you." Nightmare Moon chided.

"Oh please, I can handle this." Discord chuckled, cracking his knuckles. What should he do? Manipulate them all to actually buy some food? Or better yet, turn them into food! That'd be hilarious.

Before he could go through with his little transformation action, the line of guards broke to let through six ponies who proudly stepped forward.

"Oh no..." Discord's face fell away in shock at the sight.

"Ooh, cupcakes!"

"Pinkie, this is no time for food!"

"But look at them! Maybe bad guy cupcakes are as good as good guy cupcakes?"

"Pfft. I doubt that. Probably poisoned or something."

"Darling, put that down! You don't know where it's been!"

"Can we just git this over wit? Ah have some applebucking that needs ta be done back at the farm."

"Alright ladies, ready?" Twilight Sparkle nodded at her friends, the elements of harmony all present. Their necklaces and crown glowed briefly, a sign of powering up before a surge of magic surrounded them, their eyes becoming pure white and glowing as the powers of harmony captured them in pure love and bliss. They hovered off the ground before a roaring rainbow erupted forth, blasting every evil present in a glow of color and warmth.

Every villain uttered their "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" right before the rainbow hit them.

"Hey, here's an idea." Chrysalis stated flatly, each one of the villains affected by the blast of harmony. Nightmare Moon had been reduced to, strangely, another Luna. Discord was a statue once more, and she herself was covered in bandages from the tip of her horn to the end of her tail.

"Let's not ever listen to one of Discord's ideas ever again!"

Every head nodded eagerly, to which the petrified spirit only grumbled through the stone.

THE END

A Case of the Sequels

Discord sighed to himself, sitting all alone in that great big room that held so much great big evil. A reclining chair and a television had popped out of nowhere for his own entertainment, and he plopped down into the comfortable chair, using a remote to go through the various channels.

He passed 'Cooking With the Cakes', 'Human Watch: They're Out There', 'Octavia's String Quartet', but paused on one station. A group of colorful, two-legged beings moved across the grin, and which a grin spread across his face. He smiled contently, leaning back in the chair, and readied himself to watch an episode of 'My Little Human'.