How To Find a Princess

by Pony-Berserker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4266

Celestia decides to go on a short vacation but needs to find somepony to stand in for her.

Celestia is tired of waking up before sunrise. She decides to go on a short vacation but needs to find somepony to stand in for her...

Published 2012-11-11 18:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-11 18:00:01 UTC

Wake up, Princess!

Author's note: Thanks to PrettyPartyPony for proofreading!

*****************************************************************************

Princess Celestia woke up. She did not, however, open her eyes and remained lying in bed for a while, frowning and biting her lip. Looking at her, one might have thought that she felt some kind of disgust.

Somepony entered Celestia’s chamber.

“It’s time, Princess,” a royal guard said, apparently worried about the Princess. It was not often to see the ruler of Equestria with such a grimace on her muzzle.

“Five more minutes,” she murmured.

The royal guard pawed the ground, hesitating. He sighed and spoke, more confidently than before, “Princess. It’s high time you raised the sun.”

She opened her eyes and looked at him.

“No, not now,” she mumbled, looking at the white pegasus, who flinched, lowering his head.

“Yes, of course, Your Highness,” he said as he left the room.

Celestia stared at the ceiling. How many years had passed? She might have been omnipotent but this question bothered her all the time. She rose to the same routine every day, be it a normal working day or a holiday. Get up, raise the sun, do the royal stuff. If she could only sleep some more from time to time.

But no, she was the one who was obliged to get up earliest. Every pony in Equestria had holidays now and again, but it didn’t apply to Celestia.

Two months before that morning, she had experimented with leaving Luna in charge of everything. Those few days of Luna’s rule turned out to be disastrous. Luna had not been able to raise the sun or defend Manehattan from a big wave of water, which, on a side note, was caused by Luna by moving the Moon too close to the planet.

She used to think that her sister would be suitable to become a new ruler of Equestria after her own retirement. The truth was ugly. Luna was not a better ruler than any given pony.

Any given pony.

Any pony.

Celestia suddenly sat up, opening her eyes widely. How could her brilliant mind overlook such a great option? She could choose any pony to stand in for her. She could ennoble them so that they could actually rule.

But she was the only one able to raise the sun...

What is an omnipotent being that is not able to do anything? She could cede some of her powers to the chosen pony. But, how to choose a responsible one? Only one answer came to Celestia’s mind. The bearers of the Elements of Harmony! Who could possibly be better than them?

Only one could be chosen. Celestia began to ponder.

Twilight Sparkle. This was the most apparent choice. She was a talented unicorn who had proven herself many times to be wise. That was the most important trait of any ruler. Celestia tried to imagine how she should rule Equestria.

After a moment, she facehoofed. An omnipotent being not using their prophetic abilities? What a fail.

Celestia focused and her vision began to coalesce. After a few seconds, she could clearly see it.

****

Twilight Sparkle was pacing nervously around the throne room.

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!”

“What’s this now?” Spike asked, visibly irritated.

“The Griffin King comes to Canterlot tomorrow and I have no idea what should be served for a royal dinner!” she cried.

Spike sighed. “Can’t you just leave this to cooks? I suppose they will come up with something delicious.”

“Spike! You don’t understand! This is a matter of great importance!” she shouted in his face, making him flinch.

“Alright. Let’s say he won’t like the dinner. What then? Do you really think griffons won’t be loyal to ponies anymore?” he asked, rolling his eyes.

“Spike! I can’t take that chance! Princess Celestia would be disappointed if I failed her!” Twilight began to tremble. “Oh, what should I do!?”

The vision began to fade, turning into colorful blurry images. Soon, they disappeared, revealing another scene.

Twilight was lying in a corner of her room. She was stroking her tail, smiling awkwardly. Her mane was a mess and her royal dress was torn.

“Ponies should read more books! They really, really should!” she drawled.

Spike walked up to Twilight, looking at her worriedly. “Twilight, please, just get over it. It’s not your fault nopony paid attention to the National Day of Reading. Ponies just don’t like books and you can’t change this even if you are the ruler of Equestria,” he said.

Twilight jumped towards him. “I can’t change it!? I can’t change it!? Of course I CAN change it!” Drool began dripping from her mouth.

“Um, Twilight?” Spike backed away.

“I will make everypony read books! From now on, everypony is obliged to graduate university!” she shouted and began to laugh sinisterly.

Spike looked at her, confused. He shrugged and walked up to the door, saying, “Well, I’m not a pony. This is not my problem.”

Twilight stopped laughing. “You are right, Spike. EveryBODY is obliged to gradute university!” she said and resumed her evil laugh.

“This won’t end well,” he commented as he left the room.

****

Celestia shook her head, making the vision disappear. She had seen enough to say that Twilight was not the best choice. I guess it’s not her time yet. She apparently needs some time to do away with this stress, she thought.

So Twilight could be scratched off the list of potential Acting Princesses. Who was next?

Maybe Applejack, the Element of Honesty. Princess Celestia had always thought of her as of somepony wise, despite being a simple farmer. She closed her eyes and another vision began.

****

Applejack was walking around the throne room. Or, to be precise, she tried to walk. She couldn’t do two steps without falling. She seemed not to be accustomed to wearing long royal robes.

“Why in tarnation do Ah hafta wear this!?” she shouted, looking angrily at Rarity.

“Oh, please, you are the new princess. You are, um, royal, even if it is seems to be improbable, and you need to look dignified” Rarity said, grimacing. She couldn’t believe that her friend had been chosen to stand in for Celestia. A simple ruffian speaking with rural accent and lacking manners was going to be the new ruler of Equestria for Celestia knows how long!? How revolting!

“What’d ya mean ‘improbable’?” Applejack asked, frowning.

“Well, um,” she started to sweat, “I mean that, err, there are many ponies in Equestria. The Princess could have chosen anypony, heh.”

“But Ah didn’t wanna be a princess!” Applejack said. “I just wanna sell apples.”

“As a princess, you can do whatever you want, darling,” Rarity said, a tone of sarcasm could be heard in her voice.

“Yeah! Y’all are right, Rarity!” Applejack exclaimed happily. “Ah can sell mah apples!”

“Oh dear,” Rarity sighed.

The vision began to blur. After a moment, Celestia could see Applejack standing in front of the main entrance to the Castle. But the worst part of this vision was a market-stall placed next to the acting princess.

“And what do you think you are doing now?” Rarity asked, irony strong in her voice.

“Ah’m selling mah apples! Everypony’s gonna buy apples from their favorite princess!” Applejack explained.

“Have you ever met Princess Luna?” Rarity asked, raising her eyebrow.

Applejack gave her a confused look and before Celestia could hear the answer, the scene began to fade. After a while she could see the same location but a few hours later.

“Why’s nopony buyin’!?” Applejack asked, clearly irritated.

“Because snobby high-society ponies do not eat apples,” Rarity said softly.

“So Ah’m gonna make them buy apples! As a princess Ah can give orders to everypony, right?” Applejack asked.

“Well, you can issue edicts. You should know that from school,” Rarity answered, not surprised by her friends’ lack of basic knowledge about society and politics.

“So, y’all graduated your fancy design school an’ Ah didn’t pass final exams in high school. Guess who’s the princess now?” Applejack asked, grinning maliciously.

Rarity snorted, folding her forelegs on her chest.

“So, Ah, the princess, issue the new law! Everypony must buy apples from Sweet Apple Acres!” Applejack shouted. A royal guard took some notes and hurried to the castle to ensure the new law will come into force.

The vision began fading again, giving Celestia a headache. After a few seconds of seeing an epileptic kaleidoscope, she could see the same location again, a few hours later. This time, it was surrounded by ponies who, on a side note, were not happy.

“Thank ya kindly sir!” Applejack said, giving a bag full of apples to Fancy Pants.

“Well, my servants need to eat something too,” he mumbled and then said loudly, “My pleasure, Your Highness!”

****

Celestia freed her mind from the terrible vision. No! Just no! Applejack could be honest and wise, but she seemed to be even a worse choice than Twilight. Besides, Celestia couldn’t imagine ennobling a farmer. Her manners, her lifestyle, her ACK-cent! No! Just no!

But this lady, Rarity, had something royal in her manners. She seemed to be irritated by Applejack’s behaviour. Maybe that was good material for a princess? Celestia closed her eyes.

*****

Rarity was looking in the mirror, admiring her look.

“Oh, I knew this day had to come! How wise of Celestia to leave Equestria in my hooves. You simply cannot find a better pony to be a princess in all of Equestria. Which pony has my grace, my charm, and my manners? I am so happy that Celestia realized this!” she said to herself and then giggled. “I love being a princess!”

The vision began to shake. After a moment, Celestia could see the throne room, which was full of high-society ponies. They were waiting for something. Suddenly, the lights were turned off and the noise of conversations faded out. Rarity entered the room. She was wearing a purple dress, most likely made by herself. She walked throught the room in a model-like manner. Everypony gazed at her but one could hardly tell if they were amazed or confused. Rarity finally stopped walking.

Awkward silence hung in the air for several seconds. It was broke by Spike who shouted, “You look great Rarity! I mean, Princess Rarity!”

Rarity cleared her throat and several ponies began to clap their hooves.

“I will pretend you were so stunned by my creation that you couldn’t show your excitement,” she said, clearly annoyed.

Everypony in the room began exchanging confused looks.

“Clap your hooves, now!” Spike shouted, winning applause for his crush.

“Oh, thank you, you are too kind, really!” Rarity giggled and then left the room to change dresses.

“How long shall we stay here?” one snobby pony asked ponies around him.

“I don’t know. How long have we been here?” another pony answered.

“10 hours or so. My back hurts as if I was working on a farm. Which, of course, I never did. I just suppose it would hurt like this!” said a third pony, grinning uneasily.

The scene began to fade. After a moment, Celestia could see Rarity sewing a new dress.

“Gems! I need gems! There is no sapphire left! Guards! Bring me sapphire!” she yelled and several guards entered her room.

“Your Beauteousness! I have to report that we brought you all the sapphires that were availble at the jeweler’s!” one of the gurads said.

“You BOUGHT the gems!?” Rarity gasped. “I thought there is a vault full of jewels in this castle!”

“Yes, but—”

“Lead me to the vault! Now!” Rarity commanded the guards and they coped with the order.

The room began to whirl and after a few seconds, Celestia could see the inside of the Royal Vault. It looked as usual—full of gold and glimmering gems.

“Is this... mine!?” Rarity gasped and then gasped again, watching the glowing treasure.

“Well, technically yes but—“ one of the guards began.

“MINE!” Rarity shouted and jumped into the gold.

“It’s the national treasury actually.”

“I am the nation,” Rarity proclaimed. “Now, leave me here! I want to enjoy these moments! Actually, I might consider moving the throne room here.”

The guards shrugged and left the vault. After a moment, a pony who looked like a typical clerk ran into the vault.

“Your Beauteousness! Emergency! Ponies in Trottingham are starving!” he exclaimed.

“Huh?”

“Last week the town burnt in a fire caused by a storm. The granaries were gone in minutes!” he explained.

“And what do I have to do with this?” she asked, raising her eyebrow.

“Well, you might consider sending some financial help to Trottingham...”

“Financial!? Are you joking? No piece of gold will leave this room!” Rarity shouted angrily, sweeping nearby gold to her.

“But—“

“And how can they actually be starving? Aren’t they ponies after all?”

“Well, yes—“

“So, if they are ponies, they can eat grass, can’t they?” Rarity asked rhetorically.

“But Your Beauteousness! You want them to eat like... animals!? This would be humiliating!” the clerk was taken aback by what Rarity had just said.

“Fine. Send them all the dresses I have sewn this month and give them to the poor. This will surely boost their morale. Oh, how generous of me!” Rarity said proudly. “Now, leave me alone!”

The clerk left the room.

****

Celestia hit the wall with her head to free her mind from the terrifying vision. No, Rarity might have good intentions, royal manners and be really generous but greed could affect her soul making her an evil tyrant willing to hoard more and more money. Rarity was crossed off Celestia’s imaginary list of possible princesses.

She had always considered Twilight and her friends as responsible ponies. Well, they kind of were but maybe being a princess was over their abilites? Was there any pony who could be up to the task?

Celestia hesitated. Maybe someone who is not a pony should be the ruler? Maybe normal ponies are not capable to rule wisely? Celestia decided that she wanted to see how Spike would do as a princess. Or a prince to be exact.

She closed her eyes.

****

Spike was standing on a throne, holding a parchment and a quill in his claws. He was laughing maniacally.

“I, Spike, the prince of Equestria hereby issue an edict which makes the unicorn known as Rarity obliged to marry the prince—it is me!” he said and then laughed sinisterly.

“Spike? You know I am here, right?” Rarity asked, raising her brow.

“Well—” he began, rubbing the back of his head.

****

Celestia shook her head. What was that!?, she asked herself. Her eyes were wide open and she was actually slightly trembling. Well, that was a bad idea. Besides, Equestria was a matriarchal state for a reason. At least, she learned that dragons were not better than ponies if it came to being a princess.

Celestia sighed loudly. Which of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony should she watch now? There were three of them left: Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy. Three ponies she wouldn’t consider choosing in normal circumstances but—maybe they would surprise her?

Pinkie Pie for starters. Celestia, however, felt she would regret seeing this vision.

She closed her eyes.

****

Pinkie was sitting in the throne. She was grinning. Suddenly, she turned to one of the guards.

“Tell me again who I am!” she blurted out.

“You are the princess, Your Majesty,” he said, sighing.

Pinkie squealed out. “I’m the princess, I’m the princess!” She bounced around the guard several times. The guard closed his eyes and bit his lip. It seemed that it was going to be a long and tiring day.

The pink pony suddenly stopped in midair, gasping. “I am the princess! Do you know what it calls for!?” she asked the guard, who rolled his eyes.

The scene changed suddenly. It was not a usual vision-fade, much to Celestia’s surprise. It looked like Pinkie was breaking the rules even in Celestia’s mind.

The throne room was full of dancing ponies. There were tables full of cake and punch. Balloons and strimmers were everywhere.

“It calls for a PAR-TY!” Pinkie exclaimed and began to dance.

The vision changed as abruptly as just moments earlier. Celestia was watching the day after the party. The throne room was a total mess. It looked as if a real war took place there. Two servants were slowly cleaning the floor.

Well, everypony would like to celebrate if they became a princess, right?, Celestia asked herself, looking at Pinkie who was lying unconscious under a table. I can’t jump to conclusions.

The scene changed again. It was evening, the same day. Pinkie was back to her normal, hyperactive self and the throne room was as clean as usual.

“What should we do now, Gummy?” she asked her pet alligator who tried to walk through a wall. Pinkie gasped. “I know! AFTER-PARTY!”

Again, the throne room was inexplicably filled with dancing ponies and tables full of cake and punch.

The party ended the same way as one could expect. The throne room was a mess, several windows were broken, Pinkie was lying unconscious with her muzzle in a bowl of punch and several servants were cleaning the mess.

Three’s a charm, right? The third day shall be normal, Celestia thought naively.

The Princess of the Day saw a suspiciously similar series of soirees.

“Party hard—” Pinkie mumbled, trying to free herself from a tablecloth which was wrapped around her.

A guard ran into the throne room. "Your Majesty! Disaster in Trottingham! The granaries burned down in a storm! What shall we do!?"

Pinkie gave him a confused look. “Send them some food, silly!” She grinned.

“Um, Your Highness, I think we should—“

“We should totally have another party! I want you to invite all ponies from Ponyville! Silly me! How could I not invite them in the first place!?” Pinkie giggled, bouncing around the guard who rolled his eyes and left the room.

Another pony entered the room. It was a stallion dressed in a suit. He cleared his throat and said, “Your Highness. Ponies from all of Equestria are worried because of the sun. Why haven’t you been lowering it for several days, if I might ask?”

“Oh, silly! It’s simple! More sun, more fun!” she exclaimed, rubbing his mane.

The vision began to fade.

****

Celestia was gazing blankly at the window. She had just seen an irresponsible pony throwing parties every day but—for some reason she thought that Pinkie was a better princess than other ponies she had observed in her visions. She put an exclamation mark next to Pinkie’s name on her mental list of possible princesses.

Now, it was time for Rainbow Dash’s turn. Celestia closed her eyes.

****

Rainbow was sitting in the throne, visibly irritated.

“How long do I have to sit here?” she asked Twilight.

“Well, Celestia chose you to be a princess for the time she is on holiday. And I believe she knew what she was doing,” Twilight said, frowning and biting her lip.

“But I didn’t wanna be a princess. It’s good for prissy ponies like Rarity or eggheads like you,” Rainbow retorted, folding her forelegs.

Twilight’s frown deepened.

“Can I at least do something cool?” she asked.

“Well, you are the princess so you can do pretty much everything you want,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes.

“Everything?” Rainbow jumped and hovered in midair. “Everything?”

“Well, yes—”

“Oh, yeah! I will make myself one of the Wonderbolts!” Rainbow exclaimed, throwing her hooves up for emphasis.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Twilight said uncertainly.

“You said I could do everything, did you?” she inquired, looking in Twilight’s eyes.

“Um—”

“You said it or not!?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Yeah! I order you to bring the Wonderbolts here!” she shouted at one of the guards who nodded obediently and then left the room.

The scene was screened by all colors of a rainbow. After a moment, Celestia could see again. It was the throne room, but this time the Wonderbolts were there.

“I, your princess, decided that I join you!” Rainbow proclaimed proudly.

The Wonderbolts exchanged confused looks.

“Your Majesty, we don’t really need a new member,” Spitfire said softly.

“I didn’t hear you!” Rainbow covered her ears. “I’m one of you now if you like it or not!”

“Rainbow,” Twilight began, “I think that it’s not appropriate for a princess to be a member of a group of pegasi acrobats.”

“Princess-schrincess! Now I’m a Wonderbolt! I don’t need to be the princess any more,” Rainbow answered, looking excitedly at Soarin’.

“But—”

“You know what, Twilight? I’m the princess and I can do anything, right? And you’re the egghead, right? So, I declare you the new princess of Equestria!” Rainbow said, putting her crown on the unicorn’s head.

Twilight grinned.

Rainbow turned towards the Wonderbolts. “So, what are we gonna do now, guys?”

“Ekhm, you are not the princess anymore, right?” Spitfire asked.

“Well, no. Who would want to be a princess if they could be one of you!” Rainbow answered proudly, embracing a confused Soarin’.

“But if you are not the princess, we don’t have to keep you in our team,” Spitfire said, grinning maliciously.

Rainbow was stunned by this. “W–what?”

“Um, sorry Rainbow. But, if any of us gets injured, we will call you,” Spitfire said and then the Wonderbolts left the room.

“Gaaaaah!” Rainbow yelled angrily.

****

Celestia was giggling. That was really entertaining. It would be funny to see this in real life but, unfortunately, Rainbow Dash’s rule resulted in Twilight becoming a princess which would result in a disaster. The cyan pegasus had to be scratched off the list.

Now, the last chance—Fluttershy. The meekest of the six ponies. It didn’t bode well.

Celestia closed her eyes again.

****

Fluttershy was feeding her bunnies. It would be quite a normal look if she weren’t in the throne room at the time.

“Fluttershy, I think these animals shouldn’t be placed here,” Twilight said with an uneasy smile.

“Oh, Twilight. I simply can’t leave them alone. Who would take care of them?” she asked worriedly.

Before Twilight could answer, a group of stallions stormed into the room. They were dressed in black suits and looked very important.

Fluttershy screamed in fear and curled up in the corner, trembling.

They ran up to her and began shouting:

“Princess, you need to sign this bill granting the high-society griffons permanent visas to Equestria!”

“Princess, you need to sign this decree banning griffon-made neighcotine in Equestria!”

“Princess, you must sign this agreement that finally settles the border dispute with dragons!”

“Princess! We need to issue more government bonds and sell them to the griffons before our stock market plummets!”

“Princess! You need to sign this new tax law increasing the income tax by 5% or we will need to borrow even more money from the griffons!”

“Princess, you need to sign this bill constituting the Royal Council consisting of the richest high-society ponies!”

Fluttershy was terrified, she could see only the stallions’ shouting muzzles around her. She somehow managed to take a quill and sign all the papers that were put in front of her, hoping that this would end soon.

“Princess, you also need to sign this paper ceding most of your power to the Royal Council!”

“Aaaaaa!” Fluttershy cried and dashed out of the room.

The stallions looked confused. One of them took the quill from the ground and forged Fluttershy’s signature. Other ponies gave him reproachful looks.

“What? She’d sign it anyway,” he said as if it was no big deal.

****

Celestia shook her head, leaving the vision. Fluttershy could be a great and caring animal keeper but being a princess was far beyond her capability. Somehow, Celestia felt terrible for making Fluttershy go through this hell even if it was only a vision. She sighed. It looked like it didn’t matter who would be chosen because it would end in a disaster anyway.

But she wanted her vacation. She sighed again, walked up to the window, raised the sun, and teleported out of the castle.

****

Celestia appeared at the edge of the forest near Ponyville. She looked around and spotted a grey-coated pegasus mare with blonde mane. She walked up to her. The pegasus was standing still and looking somewhere. Nopony could say what she looked at because of her googly eyes.

“Welcome, Derpy,” Celestia said softly.

“Oh, hi, Princess!” Derpy answered, smiling.

Celestia used her magical aura to put her crown on Derpy’s head. The pegasus didn’t seem to notice this. Or if she did, her reaction was blank anyway.

“I know it might be surprising for you, Derpy, but I chose you to be standing in for me while I go on a short vacation. I realized that it does not matter whom I choose to be the princess because it will always end in a disaster. And, considering your condition, I can’t blame you for your actions and this will make it easier to put up with whatever is going to happen,” Celestia explained.

Derpy didn’t say anything, continuing to stare at something in a distance.

Celestia looked confusedly at Derpy. After a while, she shrugged and said, “Well, see you later,” and then teleported out.

Derpy didn’t even blink, which was pretty odd, considering that Celestia’s teleportation spell was accompanied by a flash of blinding light. She simply stared at something.

After a while, she smiled.

THE END