I groan in pain as I slowly regain conciousness. My eyes bat wildly as I try to focus them on my surroundings.
Ugh...my head. Must have been on one heck of a bender last night.
From my prone position on the ground, I try to understand what I see around me. I'm lying in a crater in the ground, while several small fires are merrily burning in the grass just beyond the edge. The trees and such beyond are unremarkable other than the fact that they all seem to be brighter and more vibrant than they should. Of course, this does nothing for my headache.
Really, we can land a machine on Mars but we can't figure out how to install a dimmer switch on the sun?
Raising a hand, I brush my green hair out my eyes so that I can properly glare at that overbearing ball of gas in the sky. I freeze up when I realize what I just saw. Something that is completely different from what I remember.
Wait a minute, my hair isn't green.
Oh, and I've got a hoof too, I guess. But more importantly; why do I have green hair? What kind of self-respecting person goes around with green hair? Am I going to have to start wearing a bandana on my arm?
Anyway, maybe I should focus more on the hoof thing.
...
Yep, that's a hoof alright.
Oh dear, I must still be drunk. Or something. I need to lay off the hard stuff.
Moving slowly, trying not to aggravate the tiny gnomes that have taken up residence in my eyeballs and are working at the place with jackhammers, I take stock of my situation.
Hokaaaay, first. I have four legs, each ending with a hoof. My face is rounded and my eyes are huge. My fur is green. What's with all the green? Are my frigging eyeballs green, too? I've got some strange sort of beard hanging down from my chin. Don't tell me, it's green. Wow, what a surprise.
You might be wondering right now how come I'm taking everything so calmly. Let's just say I experimented with some bad drugs a few years back and leave it at that.
One tail, green. Of course it's green.
I don't like green. Maybe I should be paying more attention to the fact that I'm now a pony then the fact that I'm green, but c'mon. Green! Should I put on purple pants and start running around screaming "HULK SMASH"? I guess I won't wear pants anymore - and that's going to take some getting used to - but you know what I mean.
Of course I know what a pony is. I've seen all the MLP episodes, and Luna is best pony. You're free to have your own opinions about who's best pony, but know this: if you think it's somepony other than Luna, you are wrong.
Anyway, it was around this point that I realized this was really happening.
Wait, this is really happening?
There, you see?
I'm really a pony? What type am I?
I quickly run my hands-er, hooves over my face, where they bump into a spiraling horn sticking out of my skull.
Sweet, unicorn. Cutie mark is...
Glancing towards my flank, I see a large wing sticking out of my back. Not unicorn,
Freakin' Alicorn! Hell to the yes! I am the walking Gary Stu!
I've read all the fanfiction. I know what this means. Some sort of mighty evil tries to take over the world, blahblahblah, only hope, romantic entanglement with pony of your choice, life becomes awesome. This is going to be the best day ever.
Anyways, what is my cutie mark?
...
It's a picture of Discord.
...
I have a picture of Discord on my ass.
...
...
...I'm sure that washes right off.
Moving right along, I make sure to cover that which we shall never speak of again with my wings. I don't want the Mane Six to ask any awkward questions when I go to Ponyville. And of course I'm going to Ponyville. Heck, I don't even need to look at a map right now to know where I am. I'm in the Everfree Forest. How do I know this? Because it's always the Everfree Forest.
One direction's as good as any other, so I pick a direction at random and start walking. I'm sure I'll get to Ponyville eventually. I have to. I'm a human brought to Equestria in the form of an Alicorn, so I must be a legendary hero of sorts that everyone will bow down to and love. I'm going to have meaningful conversation with Luna, leave Celestia speechless when I first meet her, but I'm really looking forward to seeing some of the most adorable ponies in Ponyville. I can't wait to meet Twilight, Fluttershy, and the rest of the Mane Six.
Also Derpy. And a bunch of background ponies who aren't Derpy, I suppose. But mostly Derpy.
Hey look, there's Ponyville. That was fast. I bet I'll befriend every pony I meet in seconds and then start fighting against the evil whatever in a few days.
I get ready to make my way to the center of town so I can show off how awesome I am, but quickly change my mind when I see the Cottage of Happiness.
To Fluttershy's!
One short walk later, and I'm knocking on the front door to her cottage. The door opened a crack after a few seconds and a single blue eye peers out. I put on my winningest smile.
"Hello, I'm-"
"Eep." And the door shuts in my face. Well, that was uncalled for. I gently knock on the door again.
"I'm sorry to scare you, miss, but I'm not a threat. Will you please come out?" What? I can be formal if I want to.
I stare at the exterior of the door for a few seconds before it silently swings open. Fluttershy's entire head pokes out this time. My god, she's even more adorable in person. Pony. Adorable in pony.
"Hello... I'm...um...Fluttershy." I have to move closer to hear what she's saying. "Who are you?"
What, no reaction to the Alicorn thing? Little disappointing. Wait, what did she just ask? Crap! I never thought of a name.
"My name's..." Think! "...it's..." Think, damn you! "...um..." Just make sure it has nothing to do with green. "Green Dew." DAMN IT!
"Oh, nice to meet you, Green Dew. ...Um... Are you alright? You look like you've just bitten something really sour."
"It's nothing. Anyway, Fluttershy, was it? Fluttershy, I'm new in town and could use a little help." Yes, now she is going to spend time with me and love me and eheeheeheehee.
"I'm sorry, but I need to take care of my animals. If you go into town, I'm sure you'll find someone who can help you." Her head vanishes back inside and the door is surrounded in a banana-yellow glow before closing firmly in my face.
I stare at it in shock.
What just happened? That wasn't how things were supposed to go! Where's the love? Where's the respect? Doesn't she know that I'm an Alicorn from another world brought to save Equestia? Where's the clop?
Eh, whatever.
Forget Fluttershy. There are plenty of other ponies in town.
Entering town, I see all the various multi-coloured ponies walking around. Really, this place is so vibrant and alive. It's a little strange, but I swear every pony seems to have horns or wings. Wasn't Ponyville mostly earth ponies?
Scratch the questions, I see Twilight. She's resting on a park bench with her nose in a book. Time to go introduce myself.
Remember boy, keep it cool.
"Hello miss."
She looks up at me. I just made eye contact with Twilight Sparkle. Squee! So happy!
"Hello." And she goes right back to her book. My jaw drops and I stare at her in horror.
What the hell...? Alright, screw subtle.
"I'm an Alicorn." Wow, subtle went straight out the window.
She simply glances at my horn and wings before flipping a page and continuing to read.
"So I see."
Alright, now I'm getting annoyed.
"Twilight Sparkle-" And that's as far as I get before she slams her book shut and stands up.
"I was hoping you would simply go away and let me read, but I see that's not going to happen. Good day to you." The wings on her back flare open and she flies off into the sky.
GububugaloWhat?
No, seriously. What?
I look around to see if anypony else has seen this flagrant abuse of the rules of canon, but no one so much as seems to bat an eyelid. Twilight just flew off into the sky, and no one cares? Actually, now that I look at the surrounding ponies more closely...
Oh god.
Remember how I said there was a lot of ponies with wings or horns? Scratch that. There's a lot of ponies with wings and horns. As in; everypony. I scream in fear and away, leaving a lot of confused Alicorns in my wake.
Looking at everypony I see as I make my mad dash through the streets of Ponyville, I only see Alicorns. Since I'm looking at the ponies and not where I was going, I guess it was only a matter of time before I ran into someone. Him and I both go flying, and we hit the ground hard.
"Ow...what the hay, dude?"
I look down at the grumbling tiny purple dragon I tripped over.
"Spike! Spike you've got to help me!" I grab him by his shoulders and start shaking him, his wings flailing wildly as he tries to steady himself. "Something's wrong!"
"Woah, easy! Calm down, Mister Crazy Pony! What's wrong?"
"Everybody's an Alicorn!" He just arches an eyebrow at me. "I'm supposed to be the only one! What the point of coming to Equestria as an Alicorn if..." I slowly trail off as something occurs to me.
Wings?
I take a closer look at Spike. From his purple scales to his green spikes to his ear-flap thingies to the spiralling purple horn that protrudes from his forehead.
Oh. I must still be drunk. Not fair. Is the last thought that rattles through my skull before my eyes roll up into my head and I pass out.
