Captain's Travels

by Someguy987

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Human, Dark, Comedy
Length: 48917

An enchanted storm rips across Equestria leaving alien detritus in its wake. One particularly terrible storm pounds Ponyville one day while Twilight seeks a way to end this horrible weather plague, but this storm always leaves foreign debris in its a

An enchanted storm rips across Equestria leaving alien detritus in its wake. One particularly terrible storm pounds Ponyville one day while Twilight seeks a way to end this horrible weather plague, but this storm always leaves foreign debris in its aftermath so what will it bring this time.

Elsewhere a sailor fights against the very sea he has worked for so many years only to end up in a strange new land facing an apparent language barrier. We can only hope a bridge can be made between the two species

Being an author and member of this site I am contractually obligated to write a human in Equestria story (it's true look it up)[Knighty threatened to break my kneecaps with a wrench if I didnt] so here's my crack at it

Note it will contain an ass load of swearing and Spanish to english translations for those of you taking spanish as a second language

P. S. This wont be one of those pussy ass EMOTION filled stories

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-22 23:51:03 UTC

Arrival

(ambiance)

The sky was pitch black despite the clock marking noon, a storm had hit without warning and now darkness blotted out the very sun itself. In the distance a water spout began to form and lightning cracked across the sky as thunder rolled past the ears of the men unfortunate enough to be caught in the nightmare weather. Barely visible lights blinked on the fringes of the horizon as sheets upon sheets of rain slammed the one attempting to manuver the boat against the pounding waves in zero visibility.

A wave crashed against the side of the boat and nearly sent the green clad sailor tumbling overboard, and into a watery grave. A thin piece of twine was all that kept him anchored and out of the frigid waters below. As his head whipped back to the cabin he could see the shrouded figures of his crew huddled within. A sudden splashing at his backside returned his attention to the task at hand.

Lightning cracked across the sky and a mammoth shadow loomed on the horizon. A massive cargo ship had passed while his attention was occupied.

"Chinga me con un nopal." [Fuck me with a cactus]

Twilight Sparkle raced about the library like a madmare. Pinkie Pie had recently gotten a requesition in the Cloudsdale weather factory passed, with a signature from the princess and suspiciously "misplaced" bits, to enchant some clouds to be made of cotton candy and rain chocolate milk. Unfortunately an accident had occured and now a storm of enchanted clouds had spread all over Equestria, not only that but miscellaneous, alien objects now littered the country in the storm's aftermath.  This had been going on for weeks without anypony being able to dissipate the destructive tempest. That is untill she got a crack at it. The library had been closed early and Twilight had lit several candles as the sky outside had darkened considerably leaving the only source of light the dimly flickering candles.

CRACK

A bolt of plasma ripped across the sky giving an erie facade of the noon day sun which faded as soon as it appeared, but not before its echo rolled through the very foundation of the library. The wind howled outside and a tree limb tore loose crashing into the soft mud outside. Twilight ran to her balcony to survey the damage and prayed that nopony had been hurt. Before she could reach the glass sliding door to her balcony, a stone tore through the transparent pane showering her with crystalline shards. As Twilight neared the hole, a violent wind whipped itself inside extinguishing all of the feeble flames within. Only now did Twilight notice the rain drenching her coat and soaking her mane. Her eyes stung as she tried to meet the storm's presence with a gaze, and failed pitifully, unable to open her eyes for more than an instant before the pain began again. With an unconscious lick of her lips, salty she thought, before her horn began to glow and all of the scattered glass shards began to reform the once broken door. A few moments later and the gaping hole was closed and a barrier was erected to keep the situation from repeating itself. Twilight turned her attention to the stone currently lodged in her far wall, with a forceful tug of her telekinesis the rock was removed and floated over to her. A shell? She didn't know of anypony who colected them and as to how such an object reached the town nestled so high in the mountains was beyond her.

"Twilight," came the voice of Spike whose quaver threatened to break him to the floor.

"Spike," the lavender mare replied as she quickly embraced the young drake.

They both broke down and wept in each others grasp, one out of fear of the storm and the other from the concern she felt torwards her friend.

Insane cackles bellowed from the green-clad sailor as the bow dipped into the sea sucking the rest of boat along with it for a tense moment water flooded the deck as it inclined deeper into the water. BOOM. The point of the ship erupted out of the surface of the raging sea while the seaman felt a sudden warmth between his legs grow. He turned his head torwards the cabin and felt a slight tug at his ear, his phone had miraculously continued working despite the repeated abuse it had taken that day and was still pumping out his music.

He looked up across the churning expanse that had nearly claimed his life, and saw lightning spiderweb across the sky. A short prayer later and he was once again focused on leading the ship to safe harbor. The shouts of his crew rang out above the howling winds only to fall upon deaf ears the only response he gave them was a hatchet clutched in his raised hand defiant of the storm around him.

CRACK

A powerful, blinding bolt exploded from the heavens striking the sailor without remorse. With that, he was gone, only a charred smear marked his existence.

Twilight sat in the den holding Spike in her forelegs, his chest gently rising and falling in synch with her own, as the rain pounded her barrier. Lightning still flashed outside but nothing like what had struck earlier in the day. She watched as the light flickered in the distance,out of the corner of her eye she could've sworn she saw a strange silhouette. Like a pony standing on two hooves only rounder, she toyed with the notion that it was one of the humans Lyra kept ranting on about but quickly dismissed the thought.

The sailor had felt a brief nothingness, and contemplated if this was what Hell was like. A sudden wind blowing past his head and a sharp crack below him quickly confirmed that this was indeed Hell. A slight haze fogged his mind, but that was quickly dispelled as the ground rose to meet him. The soft mud cushioned his landing, unfortunately the branch that had previously been supporting his weight didn't.

The first thing he did was preform a quick check to make sure everything was still in order:

Arms, check

Legs, check

Glasses, check

Green rubber pants w/matching jacket, check

Hatchet?,check

Phone still playing his music, check

Wallet, check

Testicals 1-2-...3, ok check

And a bonus shell in his boot yay.

Everything appeared to be in working order.

Now for the hard part figuring out where in Hell he was.

"Dios, ¿por qué me odias tanto?" [God why do you hate me so much] The man in green asked torwards the sky.

Twilight had levitated the now sleeping dragon into his basket, lit a candle and continued her research into the enchanted clouds. There she sat, reading, as the distant sound of rain assaulting her barrier continued; for a brief moment she thought she had heard a thud at the door. Thud. Another now she was sure she had heard somepony at the door. That was impossible seeing as how she had the barrier erected. Cautiously Twilight stepped torwards the door each plodding step was heavier than the last making the short trip to the door drag into eternity.

Once at the door only her short, haggard breaths could be heard through the rain's constant drum on her barrier. The infinity that constituted the brief trek had ended; Twilight's heartbeat was pounding in her ears, and rivaling the thunder that rolled outside. She instinctively prepared a knockout spell before grasping the doorknob with her telekinesis. The old oak door opened with an unbearable creak that echoed throughout the library. When she opened the door she saw ... nothing.

CRACK

A shadowy green figure filled the doorway, fire poured from its eyes as it yelled from the darkness surrounding it. Before she could finish her thought, she fired her knockout spell striking the beast in the chest. As she peered over its alien form she noticed a slick green carapace, and four protruding appendages. Carefully she levitated the creature into the basement and locked the door behind her. Legs now wobbling, she hobbled up the stairs and into bed grateful to be caught in sleep's loving embrace.

The sailor was now allowing the heavy rain to wash over him, cleaning him of mud. As he stood in the mud he fished the shell from his boot, and threw it with all his might in the opposite direction. Unfortunately a few seconds later the breaking of glass could be heard. He struggled against the muck planting him in place to reach the nearest thing he could, the tree that had broken his fall. For a time he could see nothing, the rain was too thick and the darkness too dark.

Suddenly though the rain had stopped as if by magic. He saw as far as he was able to and noticed a purple shine in the distance. The obvious thing to do was go investigate; so he did. After he had plodded through the sludge over to the fuchsia wall, he saw something incredible, all of the rain was halted as it hit the barrier. Each droplet caused a ripple which interfered with all of the ripples around it, truely a beautiful sight once the lightning punctuated the background.

Once his gaze left the hypnotic scene, and his mind returned he turned his attention to finding shelter untill things got settled. He looked around and saw and old oak in the distance. Deciding it was better than standing out in the cold and soaking wet he started torwards the ancient tree. The going was slow as the mud was constantly attempting to drag him down into its depths.

Eventually though he reached the tree, and soggy bark rasped against his hands he traced the circumference of the oak. As his fingers traced the cracks in the bark he felt something off, he now felt glass? Sure enough there was a window and within was a small figure hunched around a dimly lit candle. What little light reached him made the figure look purple.

The goimg was slow, nearly falling into the mud more than once. With sufficient practice traversing the mud became easier. Now that his footing was no longer a problem, the (tree house?) was reached quickly. He could see the faint outline of a door in the gloom slowly he brought his hand up to its surface. Thump. Thump. Thump. Nothing, he tried again. Thump. Thump. Thump. This time though he could hear soft steps coming from the other side of the door.

The door let out an awful creak, and dim rays cut through the darkness. He could see it a small purple horse with a glowing horn atop its head. "¡Que chingaos es eso!"[What the fuck is that!] He yelled at the animal standing in the door. A brief flash of lightning lit up the room and in that brief moment he could see books books everywhere, on the floor, on the tables, pretty much every place but the bare bookshelves that lined the walls. Then it was dark.

Observations

The sailor stood there trapped like an over-sized rat in a door shaped hole. Head struggled against the wooden frame flailing his arms comically in a vain attempt to get free, but to no avail. For several minutes he sat there until the purple unicorn's horn flared, and a sensation not unlike freefalling several stories encased him. He could see the dumb animal try to pull him out of the frame. Before he could shake his head in disapproval however, he was free. Of course he could've gotten free at anytime but he simply had to allow this creature a sense of satisfaction.

To his surprise neither of the two vicious beasts before him seemed to fear him as the purple horse did last night. Also their faces seemed to be contorted into some sort of perverse, pained grimaces. Slowly he saw the horse raise a purple hoof, slowly he mirrored its gestures left, right, up, down. He could see the apprehension in the horses face as it extended its appendage. Slowly he proceeded to extend his own hand balled it into a fist, and bumped his against hers, he could see a look of confusion on its face once he had concluded.

Slowly he heard it speak, it spoke loudly, and slowly adding extra emphasis to every syllable it uttered. "Hello my name is Twilight Sparkle, I don't wish to hurt you. Can you understand me?" The man listened as the horse drawled on, he could make out several words that appeared to be English. With how the animal was speaking however he couldn't understand much of the language.

Slowly he gestured to himself and said, "Yo soy un Capitan, pendeja, y por que vas hablando como si estas atrazada?" [I am a Captain, dumbass, and why are you talking as if you're retarded?]

"Captain?" the lavender horse asked.

"Si Capitan." [Yes Captain.]

"Hey Twilight I think that's his name," said the small purplish lizard to the horses right.

"Capitan?" it asked again

"Si Captain," he said presenting himself once more. [Yes Captain, el dijo presentando se otra vez]

"See, told ya that's his name," spoke the lizard once again. Clearly the brighter of the two.

Turning to the purple reptile Captain spoke, "Dime lagartija, donde estoy?" [Tell me lizard, where am I?]

"Awww I think he likes you Spike."

"Quick, gimme an apple I wanna see if he'll eat it out of my hand," said the reptile with glee.

"Alright but just one."

Captain saw as the purple horse floated an apple over to its small reptilian master, and gingerly placed it into its hands. The lizard held out the apple, taking this as a peace offering Captain grabbed the fruit from the animal's hand, and while ignoring the snickers, began to munch on the apple.

"Come on we've got to show this guy to the rest of the gang quick," said the little lizard, "they're never going to believe this thing fell out of the sky."

Captain happily scarfed down the rest of the apple oblivious to the happenings around him. Only now did he notice how hot it was becoming and decided to remove his plastic gloves, jacket, and pants. Suddenly he began his strip tease ignoring the looks from the two in front of him. Firstly he removed his black latex gloves. Removing his jacket, revealed a faded brown t-shirt, and upon the removal of his pants, a pair of grease stained blue jeans took their place. Placing his hatchet into one of his belt loops he struck an awkward pose. Hoping to gain a nod of approval from the two before him

"Dear sweet Celestia he can shed his skin. This is amazing," the purple horse pulled out a quill and parchment from someplace and began to scribble down notes.

"Or you know, it could just be his clothes." Replied the lizard flatly.

Captain placed a hand upon his chin, and pushed in the opposite direction collecting a series of audible pops. When he tried to repeat it with the other side, the headphone connecting to his phone was now playing this Only now did he notice the slightly disgusted looks on both creatures faces.

_______

Twilight sat there as the creature struggled against the doorframe, for several minutes its arms flailing against the oaken frame. Once this pitiful sight had amused her sufficiently, she enveloped the beast in her magic, and pulled it loose. Plastering a large, totally convincing smile upon Spike and herself, she proceeded to raise a hoof and scratch her nose.

What she saw amazed her, the creature before her very eyes had begun to mimic her movement's up, down, left, right. Next she extended her hoof in hopes that It would take it. It did, and one complicated set of gestures later she was in awe of the beast.

Slowly she spoke, adding emphasis to each word, "Hello my name is Twilight Sparkle, I don't wish to hurt you. Can you understand me." She heard it speak, and gesture to itself, but couldn't place the language, one word did stand out to her though "Captain"

"Captain?" She asked

Something "Captain" again.

"Hey Twilight I think that's his name." Added Spike.

"Captain?"

Again "Captain" this time it gestured to itself.

"See told ya that was his name," said Spike as the creature turned to face him.

More gibberish

"Awww spike I think he likes you Spike."

"Quick, gimme an apple I wanna see if he'll eat it out of my hand," said Spike with a twinkle in his eye.

"Alright but just one," said Twilight levitating an apple to the young dragon.

Extending a claw, Spike held the apple out to the beast. After a few of quizzical looks, the creature took the fruit from the young drake, giggling like a schoolfilly all the while.

"Come on we've got to show this guy to the rest of the gang quick," said the small dovah, "they're never going to believe this guy fell out of the sky."

Twilight only stared as the creature began to remove his hands followed by his green carapace, and finally his legs. Beneath the green exterior was some brown and blue. But this too appeared not to be completely attached to the creature. His skin was a light brown, with an unkempt black mane atop his head. She saw scars running along the back of his hands, and a small scar below his nose. Copper rimmed glasses adorned his face. He appeared to place his tool into a loop on its lower half, and proceeded to strike a pose.  Poofing a quill and parchment to her from the next room over, she began to furiously scribble down each and every detail of his very being.

"Dear sweet Celestia he can shed his skin. This is amazing," Twilight exclaimed.

"Or you know, that could just be his clothes." Replied the Spike flatly.

The two turned their heads to look at the creature, its head bent at an unhealthy angle, and pops resonating from the center of his neck. He tried to repeat this with the other side of its head, but was stopped by a wire attached to his ear. Twilight looked over to Spike, who didn't seem to share her disgust, but had started to cheer Captain on.

"Go. Go. Go." Shouted Spike, now lost in the moment.

"Well that's disgusting. Any other nasty tricks you feel like sharing?" To which Captain replied by belching, farting, and scratching his ass, all punctuated by a relived sigh.

Subject appears to succumb to base urges easily, and presents rudimentary thought processes. Judging from his attire, his species has can manipulate plastics and metals with relative ease. Further research must be conducted in order to determine what language the subject speaks, and to see if 'CAPTAIN' can be successfully integrated into society, and to see if he poses a signifigant threat to anypony here.

Gesturing a hoof to the door Twilight beckoned Captain outside.

Twilight looked into Captain's face, contorted into a scowl, his glasses had darkened considerably, and the shadows drawing across his face enunciated his intimidation. When he walked he kept half a step behind the purple pair, head whipping back and forth, chest out, shoulders apart, and a good stride also ensured nopony looked at him twice.

_____

Captain was happy as a clam. His transition lenses had already begun to block out the sun's harsh rays.  He was sure the frown perma-plastered across his face wouldn't distract too much, despite the fact that he was the only human on the planet by the looks of it. The population of this place didn't seem to differ much mostly horses, some with horns others with wings, but mostly ones with neither. The creatures of this planet kept a brisk pace and he rushed a bit to keep up with them. Soon enough though the trio had reached their destination a large house which appeared to be made of gingerbread.

Pinkie Pie

"Que chingaos es esto?" [What the fuck is this?] Captain asked upon reaching the the large gingerbread establishment. Looking down the purple pair only shrugged as his words fell on deaf ears. Following the two past the double doors, Captain was violently assaulted by the violating aromas that permeated the air. The sickeningly sweet smells in the air were nearly giving him cavities simply by breathing in the diabetic miasma.

Ignorant of every other living creature in the room, Captain walked up to the counter, only to be stopped by a blur pinker than any sane thing had the right to be.

"Oooo hi how may I help you?" the pink thing asked.

Captain carefully looked over the transparent display cases before finally settling on the most perfect of all things in the universe. A beautiful Technicolor pineapple turnover.

"Andale pendeja echa me una enpanada de piña porfa." [Come on dumbass toss me a pineapple turnover please.]

"Hey, watch who you call dumb mister." Replied the pink pony.

"Que chingaos, tu me puedes entender?" [What the fuck, you can understand me?]

[Why of course i can. What's your name?]

"No me puedes decir los nombres de esta cabrona y este guey? Y estos me siguen diciendo Capitan, dime eso por ahora." [Can you tell me of this bitch, and that dude? And these guys keep calling me Captain, call me that for now.] Captain said wth an air of disbelief.

[Sure. The pony's name is Twilight]

"Que, como los libros?"[What, like the books?]

[Yup. And the little guy's name is Spike he's a dragon, and I'm Pinkie Pie by the way.]

"Buenos dias Pinkie Pie, desculpe por no pedir tu nombre mas temprano." [Good morning Pinkie Pie , sorry for not asking your name earlier.] The man said ashamed of his wrong doings, and insulting the second sentient being who had shown him kindness.

"En serio es un dragon y es un assistente a un caballo racista?" [Seriously it's a dragon, and it's an assistant to a racist horse?]

[Hey I'm pretty sure Twilight's not racist, um I think. Well okay theres like an 80% chance she's not racist.]

"Pues dile que me pare de hablar como si soy pendejo." [Well can you tell her to stop talking to me like I'm a dumbass.]

[Well arent you?]

"Tu eres muy mala sabes eso." [You're very mean you know that.] Captain said with mock hurt.

[I'm only teasing, but sure I'll tell her.]

"Twilight, Captain wants you to stop talking to him like he's an idiot."

"Wait a minute you can understand him? How?" Asked Twilight.

"Sure I can, it's easy all you've got to do is read in between the brackets." And as for you, if you keep talking like that no turnovers for you.

{And now back to your regularly sheduled nonsense.}

"Anyways Twilight what were you saying?"

"Nevermind, but can you translate between us Pinkie?"

"I'd love to Twi but the lunch rush is about to start, and the Cakes left for no discernable reason earlier. So I can't, you may want to try with AJ though. I've definitely heard her talk like him. Oh and before I forget here you go Cappy half a dozen pineapple turnovers. That'll be twenty bits please."

"Come on Pinkie can't it be on the house just this once?" Asked Twilight.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Of course .... not silly i'm the Element of Laughter it wouldn't make any sense it I went around being generous all the time now would it."

"Ahorita lo pago no te preocupes caballo." [Don't worry about it horse I'll pay for it right now.] With that Captain pulled out his manly-ass tasmanian devil wallet, retrived a twenty dollar bill from within, and slapped it down on the counter.

[What am i supposed to do with this, i need real metal bits not some green paper]

"Pues que mas quieres solo ay cinco de estos billetes en el mundo y son de un extaterrestre. Debe valer muncho mas que viente baros." [Well what more do you want, there are only five of these bills on the planet, and they're from an alien. They'd better be worth much more than twenty bucks.]

[Well i suppose you're right. I'll let you off the hook this time, but next time I expect to see some real money.]

_____

Twilight hadn't been paying attention to the exchange between her friend and Captain, nor was she taking note of Spike drooling across the counter. Instead her attention was caught up with a turquoise mare with golden eyes, and a lyre imprinted on her flank.

"Hi Lyra, I was wondering if you could tell me anything about Captain here."

"Shh I'm concentrating. Hmmm he appears to be homo sapien approximately five feet nine inches tall. Most likely of Hispanic descent. Looks to be two-hundred and seventy-five pounds." Casually Lyra trotted up to him, and licked Captain's hand, eliciting a yelp from the human. "And he appears to be a sailor of some sort," she smacked her lips a few times," an oyster harvester at that."

"Awww he's so cute can I keep him?" Lyra asked as a grin threatened to tear her face in half.

"What? No of course not. As far as I can tell he's an intelligent creature and wouldn't enjoy being treated as a pet." Twilight replied indignantly.

"But I'll be sure to love him, and hug him, and walk him, and feed him every single day."

"Well in that case sure you can keep him." Twilight said with sarcasm dripping on to the floor.

"Oh come on I'll... I'll... I'll buy him off you."

A pregnant silence followed.

"NO! He's far to valuable a test subject to ever let go for something a common as money."

"Ummm you guys do realize that he can understand you, and I don't think he appreciates what you're saying about him." Pinkie interjected.

Indeed looking into the human's eyes Twilight could see unbridled furry bubbling just beneath the surface. Lyra scooted closer to the livid Captain. In a flash he drew his hatchet, and plunged the bladed end deep into the hardwood countertop Pinkie had been leaning on untill now.

"Largate a la chingada y que nunca mas te mire, si no te meto la pinche acha en la pinche cabeza." [Get the fuck out of here, I never want to see you again, of I'll put this fucking hatchet into your fucking skull.]

"L-Lyra he w-wants you to leave. Please." Pinkie somehow managed to stammer out.

"O-okay see ya around big guy," Lyra said as she attempted to nuzzle the humans hand. Only to recive a jerk away, and a low growl in response.

"Y tu cabrona,"[And you bitch] Captain said pointing to Twilight, " si te miro hablando de mi asi otra vez te voy a ahogar con tus propias tripas."[If i see you talking about me like that again I'll choke you with your own intestines.]

"Andale dile." [Come on tell her.] He said pointing a finger at Pinkie.

"W-w-well Twilight h-he s-says he d-doesn't want you to talk like that about him anymore. Or...or...or."

"Or what Pinkie?"

A stern nod from Capitan.

"He said he'd choke you with your own entrails."

Twilight sat there in silence contemplating all she had said, and heard in the past few minutes. Slowly she trotted over to his hatchet now stuck in the countertop. After several attempts she was finally able pull it free. Gingerly she laid it at his feet, and stared at her hooves for several minutes.

After an eternity she felt one of his hands touch the bottom of her chin, and raise her gaze to meet his. There she saw a small smile creep across his face.

"Te perdono Twilight." [I forgive you Twilight.]

"Aww Twilight he forgive's you."

"You told him my name?"

"Yup sure did."

"So what's his name."

"Dunno didn't say."

"Alright Captain I think it's about time you met the rest of my friends." Twilight said whilst wiping a tear from her eye.

Applejack

Captain now followed the lavender horse, Twilight Sparkle, who had refered to him not ten minutes ago as a test subject. As well as Spike , the bipedal lizard that had taken a liking to him. The trio now walked in unison, the purple pair had slowed enough for the human to keep up. The walk was  mostly quiet, the only sounds accompanying them were their own footsteps on the cobblestone street. Now and again Twilight would point out an obscure candy colored building in the distance, and jabber a bit about it. Captain paid her little heed, while he contemplated his current situation.

Infinite scenarios played in his mind each more convoluted than the last. Was he dead? Was he dreaming?  What was that flash of light he saw an instant before hitting the branch? Of the many ideas that wormed their way into his head, death had seemed the most likely, so then was this his Hell or God forbid Heaven? No, were it Hell there would be more people than just him. A lot more. As for Heaven he was sure the diabetes inducing colors would have all been bleached white. His pondering continued while he lifted another turnover to his mouth.

A sudden beeping in his ear brought his attention back to the present. Pulling out his phone Captain saw that the charge was almost out. Mierda. [Shit]. Noticing his distress Twilight approached the man.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" Twilight said doing her best to keep her syllables short lest she offend Captain again.

"Ya se va a morir mi telephono caballo. No tienes un enchufe que me prestes?" [My phone's about to die horse. Do you have a plug I could borrow?]

"You know what lets hurry up and see AJ already."

The sickly sweet smells of the bakery had given way to deeper, earthier smells of dirt and vegetables. The cobblestone street had opened into a grand plaza that held many small kiosks, each operated by a pony of a different race, each peddling their wares. The rainbow of colors that assaulted Captain's vision appeared to be everywhere.

Amid hushed murmurs between the vendors Twilight led the sailor to a cart being opperated by an orange mare with a blonde mane, cowboy hat, and... a ponytail.

"Excuse me Applejack, but could I get your help with something?"

"Sure thing Twilliiiight!" Exclaimed the earth pony as she caught sight of the human.

"Applejack, I'd like to introduce you to my new friend Captain. I found him last night during the storm. We had a bit of an incident, but it's all right now huh Captain."

The human only replied with a general frown he had at all times, and a nod of approval.

"So anyways I've been trying to figure out what language he speaks, so that we can communicate better, and Pinkie Pie told me that you might be able to help with that."

"Sure Twilight I'd be happy ta help out." Replied 'Applejack' with some reluctance.

"Que dice yegua?" [ What do you say mare?] Asked the human as he held a hand with his index, and middle fingers held apart.

"Uh Twilight what the hay is he doin'?"

"I don't know, but this is incredible isn't it. We're some of the first ponies to see such a strange and dangerous creature I need to take some notes." Replied Twilight as she poofed a quill,  and a leaf parchment to her side, and began to scribble furiously.

"I'm a little rusty, but lets see here. Como estas Capitan?" [How are you Captain?]

"Yo estoy muy bien y usted señorita?" [I am fine, and yourself miss?]

"Si, estoy igual. Como se a comportado mi amiga con usted desde que llego aqui."  [I am the same. How has my friend behaved with you since you got here.]

"Esta cabrona es una pinche molestia."  [This bitch is a fucking nuisance.]

"Twilight what the hell have you been doing to this poor guy? Que te a hecho esta pendeja?" [ What has this dumbass done to you.]

"Pues la primera vez que la mire me chingo con su pinche cuerno. Luego me tiro en su sotano. Cuando me levante mire chingos de pinches tubos en la pared. Entonces entro de vuelta se acerco le agarre el cuerno y mire que le habia hecho daño y la deje ir. Y otra vez me chingo con su pinche cuerno. Luego me levante otra vez y mire unas manzanas en el piso. Tenia chingo de hambre y me puse a comer me las, hasta por fin subi los escalones. Los mire mirando me y me llevaron a una panederia. Me introducio a una yegua rosita y a otra cabrona que me quiso comprar y esta otra dijo que era su sujeto de prueba. Me volvi un poco loco y creo que le dije que las matara si hablaron de mi asi otra vez. Luego me trajo para aca y comienze a decir te de lo que me a pasado desde que llegue." [Well the first time I saw her, she fucked me (up) with her fucking horn. Then when I woke up I saw tons of fucking tubes on the wall. Then she came in again, she got close, I grabbed her horn, and when I saw that I was hurting her, I let her go. And again she fucked me (up) with her fucking horn. Then I got up again, and saw some apples on the floor. I was really hungry so I ate them, until finally I finished them and went up the stairs. I saw them looking at me, and they took me to a bakery. She introduced me to a pink pony, and another bitch who wanted to buy me, and this one here refered to me as a a test subject. I went a little crazy, and said that I would kill them both if they talked about me like that again. Then she brought me here, and I started to tell you everything that happened since I got here.]

"Twilight I repeat. WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO THIS POOR GUY?"

"WHAT. I found him last night outside the library. I had to sedate him, and then I placed him in the basement for safe keeping until I could get a letter to the Princess.  Then after he woke up I took him Sugarcube Corner to get him something to eat, and then Pinkie started talking to him. Afterwards she pointed us to you, she said you could help me identify what language he speaks." Twilight said in an exasperated sigh.

"So ya knock him out twice, refer to him as a test subject, and then expect him to not act violently towards you. Twilight I must say you're kind of a bitch."

"What did he tell you?"

"Everything."

"Crap. Uhh so do you think he's dangerous or what?"

"I think that he's a scared, stupid individual whom you have been placing unnecessary stress upon by causing all of this excitement." Applejack said as she pointed a hoof at Captain.

"Yo no soy muy estupido." [I'm not very stupid.] Replied an offended Captain.

"Desculpe solo queria hacer un punto." [Sorry I only wanted to make a point.]

"So what language does he speak?" Twilight asked after a few moments of silence.

"It's Spaneighsh. (Shut up that's the best horse pun I could think of.) I'm a little rusty though."

"Wait how do you even know Spaneighsh?"

"Well every year around harvest time migrant workers come round here, and we put 'em to work buckin' apples on the cheap. And usually not one of 'em speaks a lick of Equestrian." The blonde mare said with a chuckle.

"So why didn't you do that last year?"

"Damn immigration laws." Applejack muttered under her breath.

"So Captain," Twilight said turning to face the human, "what else would you like to get done before we head back."

"Pues. Me gustaria cambiar me y bañar me. Toda esta agua salada ya me va dando comezon en los huevos." [Well. I would like to change, and bathe. All of this salt water is making my balls itch.]

"So AJ what did he say?"

"I think he wants to get a change of clothes, and bathe or something. I couldn't really pick up everything he said. But if he wants a change of clothes, maybe Rarity could hook 'im up. Also i think he wants some eggs or something."

"Ugh smells like he could use a bath too." Said Twilight as she raised a hoof to cover her nose.

"Calmate cabrona. Tu no hueles a un jardin fresco tampoco." [Calm down bitch. You dont smell like a fresh garden either.]

"What did he say that time?"

"I think he said you smell like a fresh garden."

"Aww how sweet of him. But we should really get going before the day gets any later. I should really get back to the library, and find out all I can about human physiology,  and Spaneighsh, ooo maybe I could even rig up a universal translator spell so we can talk without a translator. Oh this is going to be so much fun." A manic glint seemed to appear in her eyes. "Spike," she exclaimed drawing the purple reptile out of the comatose state he had been in for the last few minutes, "I need you to run back to the library, and pull every book we have on humans, Spaneighsh, and translation spells. I've got to introduce Captain here to everypony else really quick."

"Huh... what... sure whatever." Replied Spike, as he surpressed a yawn, and ran off in the general direction of the library.

"Now if you'll excuse us we've got to go see Rarity about a new outfit isn't that right Captain. "

"Porque chingaos no?" [Why the fuck not?] He replied with a shrug.

"Uh..."

"He said he will go with you."

"Thank you. Come on Captain the day's not young forever." Twilight said with a skip in her step, and a glint in her eye.

Rarity

Clip... Clop... Clip... Clop. These were the sounds that reverberated inside of Captain's skull. His music had long ago died, and the will to continue had left him. Now only the sounds of hooves pounding, and lazy feet shuffling across the stone road echoed in his mind.

"Uh Captain...," asked a concerned Twilight,  "what's wrong?"

Captain only let out a soft moan in response as he pulled out his dead phone, and pointed at it limply.

"OOOOO what's this thing supposed to do?" Exclaimed the lavender unicorn as she took the device in her telekinetic grasp. As Twilight held his phone in her psychic grip, Captain saw a familiar green bar slowly creep across the screen. His mood brightened immediately, and he knelt down to hug the pony. The unexpected contact made Twilight lose her focus and drop the phone.

"Oops sorry Captain, here." She said as she gently picked it up with her hooves, and held it out to him.

Cautiously he took it. Turning it over he saw no scratches, and the small battery icon held a small shard of red at the base. Looking at it and then at her and back again, an idea formed within his mind. Captain pointed at Twilight's horn, and then to his phone. Twilight seemed to pick up on his intentions.

"So you want me to levitate this... thing, and judging from the icon it appears to be powering up. And from how you reacted, then this must mean that it's... some sort of life support system." She said with a grin.

"Si. Claro. Exactamente." [Yes. Clearly. Exactly.]

"In that case Captain I'll be glad to charge this uhh.."

"Telephono." [Telephone.]

"Teleblah-blah."

"Gracias." [Thank you.] He said as a palm met his face.

The pony and human had been wandering around a few minutes, with the earthy scent of the street vendors, and the open air market gradually giving way to more decorated shops. All sorts of gaudy perfumes hung in the air, the over decorated buildings felt in place with the rest of what Captain had seen around the rest of town.

"Ay guey se vomito un arcoiris aqui o que?" [Did a rainbow throw up in here or what?] Asked Captain as his eyes swept across the street. The unicorn only looked at him blankly.

"Se," Captain said waving his arms about, "vomito," he placed a fist to his mouth, and made a gesture that suggested spewing out, "un arcoiris," he placed his hads together above his head, and slowly arced them down around him, "aqui," he exclaimed as he pointed to th street. [I hope that by now you're learning something because I'm not translating that again.]

"Uh... did a rainbow throw up around here?" She asked with a shrug.

"Si." He nodded his head enthusiasticly.

"No I think Rainbow's been feeling fine lately. And how do you know her I haven't even introduced you two?"

"Ya vamonos entonces. Pinche loca." [Let's go already. Fucking crazy chick.] He mumbled.

Again the two were off in the direction of a somewhat pointy-ish building that kind of resembled a merry-go-round. The wind suddenly picked up a bit, and now Captain could smell the stink of rotting mollusks on him, and it was horrible. Before arriving at the door, he noticed a mirror standing just outside. His reflection, he noted, was a bit intimidating, his hair was disheveled,  and his tinted glasses were casting long shadows across his face, as well as a frown that seemed plastered on his face. He thought nothing of it and belived the occupants of the house would be good, decent people who would never judge another on one's appearence.

Rasping on the door with a knuckle Captain waited next to the lavender equine expecting an answer.

"Who is it." Came a delicate sing-song voice.

"It's Twilight,  I'm here to introduce you to someone, a new friend of mine. I was also hoping that you could do me a favor."

"Of course darling anything you ask. " she said as the door slid open revealing an alabaster unicorn with a deep purple mane done in flowing curls. That was Captain's first reaction to the creature on the opposite side of the door. Hers was.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

"FUCK YOU. I AM NOT THAT UGLY!" Retorted Captain.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Right now.

"Je ne parle pas l'anglaise. He said again with an uneasy smile.

"Wait a minute did he just speak Prench?" Asked the alabaster unicorn before scurrying off.

"I thought it was Spaneighsh, and Equestrian too by the looks of it." Said Twilight as she turned to face the human, lowering herself into a defensive stance. "Why did you do it?"

"Do what? Not say that I knew how to speak English or French."

"Yeah why did you lie to us? Why did you lie about not being able to communicate with us?" She asked, visibly hurt.

"If you will recall, none of you ever actually asked if I could speak English. They all assumed I couldn't, and you never bothered to ask." He replied with a sly smile. "Although I am sorry for deceiving you for so long,  but in all honesty I just thought that it was funny as hell." He said, a full blown grin had made its way across his face.

"Ugh... but... why?"

"Because it was hi-fucking-larious the way you were tripping around the communication barrier. Also you never wondered why I was able to respond correctly to your questions or statements without needing a translator. Seriously the signs were everywhere I'm just surprised you didn't pick up sooner."

"So-so this was all just a joke to you." She stammered out as fat tears began to well in the corners of her eyes.

Captain knelt down to eye level with Twilight. "I'm sorry for betraying our friendship I really am, but you've gotta know that at the beginning I was just scared. I mean I saw some sort of white flash, then I hit a tree on the way down. I was scrambling in the mud then when I got up I went to the nearest thing I saw, a hollowed out tree which I think was a library. Upon entering the building I saw a purple unicorn and a huge lizard. Now wouldn't you be scared if all of that happened to you?"

"I-I suppose. But why didn't you say anything after that? I mean after you calmed down."

"Well you did knock me out twice, lock me in your basement, and finally dragged me all over creation while introducing me to your other friends. Also you and that seafoam colored bitch wanted to trade me for nickels or some shit and you called me a test subject . So yeah that made me kind of mad. So naturally I had my guard up lest you try something funny. Again."

"I understand. But I'm still angry at you."

*CRUNCH*

"Oh don't mind me Twilight,  I was simply getting some refreshments for you and your new guest here." Said the marble unicorn as she snacked on a bowl of popcorn,  and sipped a glass of water.

"So then why's there only one glass, and why have you been sitting there for the last five minutes without saying a word?"

"Uh... well you see I've been in a bit of a creative slump lately, and I thought that a bit of drama might help me get out of it. As you can see I've go lots of inspiration now and I've got to get back to work. Sorry ta-ta I must bid you both adieu." She replied quickly.

"Wait Rarity. I needed to ask you something."

"Okay but could you please hurry I need to do the thing at the place. "

"I wanted to know if you could make Captain here a new ensemble. His current one is starting to smell a bit."

"Please," Captain added.

"Well I suppose I could clear my schedule and make an exception just this once. I must ask Twilight my dear what is that... thing you're carrying around?"

"Oh this thing, Captain wanted me to keep it in my telekinesis for some reason. It's not really a life support device is it?" Twilight asked flatly.

"Not really."

"Well then what is it?" Asked the lavender mare expectantly. "Is it some sort of alien beam weapon? How about a universal remote? Or maybe it's some sort of sonic emitting screwdriver."

"Actually while all of those things would be pretty badass its actually just a phone. I use it to talk to people far away, send messages, look at porn, and listen to music. Mostly the music. That's why I asked you to hold it it appears to charge when you hold it like that. And by the looks of it it's almost done charging. May I have it back please?"

"Of course here you go. Actually could I ask you a favor."

"Uh sure I guess what did you have in mind?"

"Could I listen to some of your music. I mean its not everyday you can listen to strange alien music."

"Could I trouble you for a chance to listen as well?"

"Why the hell not the more the merrier."

Carefully he fished  the earbuds out of his pocket, and placed one into the ears of the mares. Captain contemplated which song he should pick. After a few moments he decided on a song

"That was really amazing is all of your music like this?"

"Nah mostly it's a lot heavier, and scream-y-er. I could play one of those for you if you want."

"Uh later. Right now we've got to get you that outfit."

"Alright now mister..um." interrupted the white unicorn

"Call Captain everyone else appears to be doing so miss."

"Its lovely to meet you Captain. My mane is Rarity, and its a pleasure to meet you."

"Hey Captain now that you're not lying to my face about communicating, why dont you tell me you real name?" Piped up Twilight.

"I could, but if I uttered even a single syllable of my name it would be more than enough to drive you both insane."

"What really?" She looked skeptically.

"Not really but I just hate having people mispronounce my name."

"But were not people were ponies."

"Touchè. But later when all your friends are around I dont want to have to repeat myself."

"I'll hold you to it alright."

"Ahem if you are both quite finished we must get started. Captain if you would be so kind as to follow me we must take some measurements. Twilight feel free to sit in the parlor this may take a bit."

Quietly Rarity led Captain into the rear of the shop, and behind a screen.  Twilight could see their silhouettes behind the screen, Captain stood there open armed as Rarity lunged at him with a length of rope levitating above her.

"AAAAAAA. Oh god no not there. Those limbs arent supposed to bend that way." Twilight grimaced as the thought of her friend in discomfort drilled its way into her head. "Oh sweet Jesus not my sphincter."

Meanwhile behind the screen Captain was shouting expletives as Rarity took his measurements.

"Would you please stop yelling, this is all perfectly harmless." Rarity said as she put the measuring tape across his shoulders, and scribbled down some notes on a note pad.

"I know that and you know that, but Twilight doesn't need to know that." He replied with a smirk.

"Oh I see, a prank. What fun shall we ham it up a bit more then?"

"Why of course. Ladies first."

"Good then. Now. Bend over."

Rainbow Dash

So after a traumatic experience, for Twilight at least, the two bade Rarity fare well, and continued on their epic quest to introduce Captain to two more random ponies before sundown. Twilight had been leading towards the park so that they could take a break as, as Captain's bowlegged-ness wore off.

"S-so Captain how was it in there?"

"I don't want to talk about it." He said as tears began to well in the corners of his eyes.

"You wanna get some ice cream, and talk about it."

He said nothing, only nodded slowly.

"Here we are the park. Now you go have a sea... you know what what why don't you go wait for me over by the fountain. Oh and by the way which flavor of ice cream do you want?"

"Vanilla please."

Slowly the man hobbled over to the fountain, and saw three small ponies arguing on the other side. A unicorn,  a pegasus,  and an earth pony. The trio were involved in a deep philosophical debate discussing wether alligator wrestling or bear training were feasible options in earning their "Cutie Marks".

"I get what yer sayin' but where could we find a bear at this time uh day?" The yellow earth pony asked.

"Fluttershy's always got tons of animals hanging around her house she's bound to have a bear lying around somewhere." Countered the orange pegasus filly.

"Wait couldn't we just go and ponypile on Gummy, and see if that works? That seems a lot safer than trying to tame a wild bear. Don't 'cha think?" Advised the voice of reason, a white unicorn filly that seemed oddly familiar.

"Oh please we can't get our cutie marks doing something like that. Now quit being a chicken lets go tame us a bear." Retorted the pegasus.

"Who are you calling a chicken, bird brain?" Snapped the unicorn.

"Watch who you're calling a bird brain,  horn head."

"Oh yeah."

"Yeah."

"YEAH."

"YEAH."

"HEY WOULD. YOU TWO SHUT UP. THERE'S A 'THING' OVER THERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FOUNTAIN." Shouted the yellow earth pony as she gestured a hoof towards Captain who was now enjoying the show.

Immediately the squabbling stopped as three pairs of eyes landed on captain.

"Dont mind me ladies, I'm simply enjoying the show keep acting as if I'm not even here."

"Cool." Was the unanimous decision as they witnessed the creature before them speak in Equestrian.

"What d' ya reckon it is gals." Asked the yellow filly.

"Maybe it's some sort of freaky space alien that crash landed here during the storm." Offered the pegasus.

"Eww he smells like he's rotting, so maybe he came from the other side." Suggested the unicorn.

"Maybe he's one of Twilight's crazy experiments that got loose or somethin'. You know like she crossed a hairless monkey with a turtle or somethin' like that." Insinuated the earth pony.

"You three do realize that I am literally five feet away from you, and can hear all of the things you're saying about me. Right?"

*GASP* "We could be cutie mark crusaders." They yelled in unison at Captain.

"UFO finders."

"Exorcists."

"Creature catchers."

"Wait a minute didn't we already try to be creature catchers?" Asked the orange one.

"And fail miserably at it." Added the white filly.

"Okay. I guess UFO finders sounds pretty neat. Lets try that." Amended the butter colored filly.

"Okay." Huffed the vanilla colored filly.

"Now attack the alien. Quickly!" Shouted the pegasus.

"Wait what? I'm a citizen I'll have you know." Said the man, as if it would make a difference.

Without a second thought the trio pounced on Captain. Soon he was assaulted by pokes, prods, and pulls in all directions. The multicolored blur that had attacked was beginning to gain ground, figuratively, and succeeded in knocking the man to the ground. The three were finally on top of the beast's chest, looking triumphant over their shared victory.

"So anything?" Asked the orange pegasus with glee.

With one fluid motion three flanks were raised into the air, as a pair of eyes met each one. Expectations crumbled, as they each drew a blank.

"Zip."

"Zilch."

"Nada."

The crestfallen trio now weighed on Captain like a lead brick.

"Look I'm really sorry that this assault of an innocent bystander didn't go exactly as planned, so would you three kindly GET THE HELL OFF OF ME." He was now livid as the three sat on his chest.

"We can't do that what if it turns out that you're dangerous. We could be putting all of Ponyville in jeopardy by lettin' you loose." The earth pony replied.

"Look kid it was cute for like the first five seconds, but now you're really starting to piss me off." Captain replied as his tone became more aggressive. The three still refused to budge. "Alright no more mister nice Captain," he snarled as he stood back up shaking the fillies loose. "Now leave before I lose my temper."

"No way, we can't just sit by as some crazy alien wrecks the town. CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS TOWN DEFENDERS GO!." The orange pegasus replied as she dusted herself off.

Again the group charged Captain, but this time he was ready. The first that charged him he lifted into the air, and gently tossed into his other hand. The next one led, as the first struggled to get free. The second was caught as well, now Captain juggled the two in between his hands, as the third snuck up from behind. A careful step around, and he kicked the third filly up to her friends with a small 'oof'. He was now engaged in balancing one filly in one hand another filly in the other hand,  as the third filly was still in the air, otherwise known as juggling.

"Now are you three done making me mad or do I have to drop you into the fountain."

"Never! Now... put...us...down." Shrieked the orange filly as she tumbled through the air.

"Hey put. Them. Down." Demanded a raspy voice from off in the distance.

"Yeah who's gonna make me?" Retorted Captain.

"Rainbow Dash. That's who." The unknown mare replied, as a pair of hooves slammed into the man's abdomen.

The trio hit the ground with a sort thud, and scurried in to the distance as Rainbow began her fight with the alien, demon, lab experiment.

"Who the fuck are you?" Asked Captain.

"What the prismatic mane, and speedy disposition not enough of a hint there numbnuts. I'm Rainbow Dash. Greatest flyer in Ponyville. "

"Come on Skittles you think you can take me down? Come at me bro."

"I'm not your bro," yelled Rainbow Dash as flared her wings, and pawed at the ground.

The two locked eyes, and began to slowly circle one another. Three fillies poked out from behind the tree they had been hiding behind, and immediately regretted it. The tension could have been cut with a knife, an almost electric feeling crackled in the air. The dueling pair were simply looking for an opening, a flag, a reason to charge. The unicorn filly, who had been standing next to the small pegasus felt her nose twitch as feathers brushed against her nose. Soon enough however came a sneeze that gave the fighters a reason.

Rainbow Dash closed the distance between the two in a flash, but Captain raised a foot and kicked the cerulean mare in the chest before she made contact. The momentum she had been carrying was not lost however as the man was sent tumbling back. Rainbow took a second to catch her breath before charging again. This time she broke left, and instead delivered a flurry of blows to Captain's ribs. The human had no time to rest before the mare tried again to assault his sides. As Rainbow turned to face him again, Captain caught her in the jaw with a right hook, and a slight crunch was shared between the two. Captain shook his hand, and Rainbow responded with a furious shaking of her head. This time it was Capitan who charged first leading with a shoulder. The prismatic mare firmly planted her forehooves, and ducked before flipping the man behind her. Captain ain't no bitch he took that hit like a man, on his back. Now the sailor rolled out of reach of the celeste mare attempting to stomp his skull in. Captain stood again, but not before the mare had knocked his glasses off in her stomping. Now as the world blurred around him the human only had an instant to brace himself, as he saw Rainbow race up to him, turn around, plant her hooves, and buck him square in the face. When the hindhooves of the mare made contact, Captain felt something in his head crunch a bit, and a second later he could feel warm metallic ichor flow from his nostrils. Swallowing the blood, the man could make out a prismatic tail readying for a finishing blow. Before the blue hoove could make contact again however, he grabbed a hoof in each hand and started to spin her around and around , building momentum with each passing second before finally releasing her. The her credit she did fly well into the treetops, and returned with murder in her eyes. For a moment he was sure she flew off into the distance, assured of his victory Captain reached down to pick up his glasses. After placing them upon his face he could see a rainbow colored streak in the distance growing ever larger. In front of the celeste mare Captain could see a cone of compressing air cracking with electricity. He felt for his hatchet, thankfully still in his belt loop after all this time. Cocking his arm back he prepared the steel head for a devastating blow against what he hoped would be the mare's head. Those few tense seconds seemed to strech into eternity, even the prismatic mane of the mare seemed to cease its movement.

"CAPTAIN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" Shouted a familiar purple mare with a magically amplified voice.

A few seconds longer, and both combatants realized that neither was in control of their bodies, and a suspicious purple aura covered their bodies.

"Well what do you have to say for yourself mister?"

Captain despite all his struggling could scarcely breath much less move his jaw. He suspected rainbow maned pegasus was in similar distress.

"Oops here," said Twilight as she removed the spell from each of their heads, "now I repeat what the heck were you two doing fighting in the park."

"I was defending myself." Said Captain as he reflexively swallowed more of the blood, and tilted his head back enough for the blood to freely trickle down his throat.

"He was not. He was picking on Applebloom, Sweetiebelle, and what's her face." Spat Rainbow Dash.

"In my defense everyone on this damned planet feels like kicking my ass apparently. Even the children," he retorted.

"Why were you picking on the CMC Captain?" Asked Twilight, who was now absolutely livid.

"Those three," he said looking to the tree that the CMC was currently cowering behind, "claimed I was some sort of alien demon lab experiment, and decided to charge me. I was even polite about the first time. I got back up and then they rushed me again. That's when I started to juggle them. And then this crazy fucker comes out of nowhere and rams into me. I had every intention of putting the kids down after they agreed to stop pestering me."

"It's true every word," said a yellow filly as she peeked out from behind the tree.

"Applebloom you're absolutely sure that's what happened?" The other two assailants emerged from their hiding spot. "Sweetiebelle, Scootaloo is this true?"

"Yeah." Was their mumbled response.

"So Rainbow Dash what do you say happened?" Asked Twilight, turning her attention to the mid-air pegasus.

"I saw this jerk messing with the girls, I stepped in, we got into a fight, and I woulda won too." Responded the colorful mare.

"And not once either of you thought about talking things out."

"No." They said in unison before glaring at one another once again.

"And you three," Twilight said as she shared her attention among the three fillies, "not one of you thought it would be a good idea to stop this before one of them killed the other."

"Not really." Said the yellow filly, Applebloom.

"We sort of kinda got caught up in the excitement." Added the unicorn, Sweetiebelle.

"Plus we all knew that Rainbow Dash was gonna wipe the floor with this creep." Grinned the pegasus filly, Scootaloo. Her grin disappeared immediately however as it was met with a glare from Twilight.

"Now I want all of you to apologize to each other. NOW." She emphasized the final syllable with a stomp of her hoof.

Reluctantly the CMC mumbled their apologies to Captain, and Rainbow Dash before racing off, debating the outcome of the fight.

"And now you two."

"WHAT?" They both replied.

"You heard me. Now both of you apologize right now." The human, and pegasus only glared at one another. "Apologize. Now. Or neither of you are going to be able to sit down for a week after I'm through with you."

"S-sorry." Grumbled out the man.

"M-me too." Added the pegasus.

"See now was that so hard?"

"Yes actually. Now would you kindly let us go so that we can proceed to not kill each other."

With a flash the pegasus and human were sitting next to each other, as Twilight held out an ice cream cone to each one. With more than a hint of reluctance each took a cone and began to enjoy the tasty frozen treat.

"Now you two sit here while go get some more ice cream."

The lavender mare then trotted off to procure more frozen, flavoured, milk. For a few tense minutes after the unicorn had gone neither said a word, only the sound of ice cream being devoured was heard amid the din of the park.

"So you had some good moves there. Rainbow was it."

"Yeah. And you didn't do so bad yourself. Captain?"

"That's what everybody keeps calling me yeah. I gotta ask what was that last move you were gonna do there. It looked like some sort of crazy finisher."

"It's called a Sonic Rainboom. I'm one of the only pegasi who can actually pull it off. So what was that hammer thing you were going to throw back there?"

"What my hatchet?" He asked as he looked around for it, spotting it a few feet away. Picking it up he went back to the pegasus, and sat down in the dirt. "It's not really a weapon more like a tool." He explained as held it out for the mare to look at. "The blade's not really sharp, but with enough force it could cause some damage."

What Twilight saw upon her return almost brought a tear to her eye. Both were sitting there laughing,  and sharing stories. Trotting closer she wondered what sort of funny, inconsequential thing the two were talking about.

"... and I shit you not the cop then asked, 'Did you count how many times you got punched in the face?' Swear to god I looked him straight in the face and told him 'No I was too busy being punched in the face.'" Captain said earning a torrent of giggles from Rainbow.

"What were you two talking about?" Twilight asked as she handed out another round of cones.

"Captain here was just telling me about the time he went to jail. Why?"

"WHAT?"

"It was no big deal." Said Captain.

"So anyways I see you two are getting along now. How'd that happen?"

"As it turns out Capitan's a pretty cool guy once you get to know him."

"And Rainbow's pretty..." he stopped mid-sentence as a small trickle of blood dripped off of his face, and onto the floor.

"Captain we need to get you to a doctor quick. But I dont think any doctors in Ponyville cant treat a human." Exclaimed the violet mare .

"Maybe Fluttershy could help him? She's good with animals maybe she's treated monkeys before."

"At this point I'll take any help I can get," Captain replied as more blood dripped down his throat.

"Alright lets go quickly before you bleed out."

"I should come too. Just in case."

"No Rainbow. Dont worry about me. I've got my big boy pants on, and it'll take more than massive blood loss to kill me." Captain replied with a bloody smile.

"Alright if you're sure, but I'll see you at the library soon okay. I'll be sure to get more of those turnovers you like so much." With that the blue mare flapped her wings, and took off.

"Okay off to Butterfly's house we go." Said Captain as he stood, and took an uneasy step forward.

Fluttershy

"Just put one step in front of the other, and soon you...," mumbled Captain to himself.

"Hey Captain what are you doing?" Asked Twilight.

"Oh you know just walking here, playing the 'try not to bust your ass' game. Why do you ask?"

"Well you look rather pale, and you dont seem to be walking as fast. Plus you've got this really nauseous look on your face."

"Well it also feels like I got kicked in the face, so maybe that has something to do with it."

"Come on we've got to hurry, there's no telling how long you can last like this. Has the bleeding stopped at least?"

"Of course. I'm practically better already," he lied through bloody teeth. Reflexively he gulped at his fib, and could feel a membrane of coagulated blood on the back of his throat.

"Alright, but if you feel dizzy let me know so we can stop, and rest."

"Dont worry about me I've taken concrete to the face. It'll take a lot more than massive blood loss to kill me." The unicorn looked at him with a look of skepticism and intrigue, " its a long story I'll tell you later. Come on and lets go meet up with shutterfly already."

"Fluttershy actually, now lets go."

The rest of the trip was rather uneventful minus the occasional dizziness, and the constant drip of blood pouring down his throat. The path to 'Fluttershy's' house was a nice change of pace, the cobblestone walkways had given way to dirt roads and muddy ditches. The rusty smell of his blood over powered the pollen in the air, as well as any other smells that tried to worm their way into his nose. Soon enough however the meticulously maintained shrubs gave way to wild, ungainly growth. The trail that Twilight had been leading him down however stayed as smoothe as ever. In the distance Captain spotted a small cottage surrounded on all sides by pens, and tiny bird houses occupied by all manners of creatures.

An all you can eat buffet, cool Captain thought to himself as the loss of blood caused his thoughts to wander,  and his mind to lose focus.

"Hurry up Captain were almost there."

"Calm down, I'm hurrying," exclaimed the sailor. With every step he took it felt like more, and more was rushing out, and down. After a few steps however, he lost his balance, and fell to his knees.

"Captain? Captain what's wrong?" Asked a frantic unicorn, as blood began to pour down his face. With every beat in he's chest, he could feel a little more of his precious life blood spill away.

"Come back, daddy needs you." He said as he grasped at the now muddy red earth.

"Captain have you been bleeding this entire time? Why didn't you say anything I could've helped you?"

"Sorry Sprinkles I didn't say nothing because I'm used to people not giving a shit about me. I'm just used to putting up with the pain until it goes away. Sorry." He said as more of the crimson ichor spilled onto the ground.

"Oh Captain don't say that. You know I care about you," said the unicorn as she brushed up against his hand, "and you know that Rainbow Dash and Rarity care about you. Not to mention that Applejack,  and Pinkie Pie would be really upset if something happened to you."

"You're just saying that,  you just wanted to run tests on me and shit. And I barely know everybody else."

"I'm sorry I really am for all of those things I said back there, but if you don't get up now I dont know if Fluttershy or I will be able to help you."

"What's the point I mean. I'm probably dead already I just don't know it yet or some shit. I'm never gonna go home, or see my family ever again. So tell me Twilight what's the point of going on?" The man asked as tears began to drip down his face.

"I promise you Captain that if you pull through this, I'll do everything in my power to find a way to send you back home. Okay?" Reassured Twilight, as she nuzzled closer to Captain, finally noticing that his skin had gotten slightly cooler in the time he had been standing there. "And if I can't I'll get you all the pineapple turnovers you can eat. Si pendejo." [Yes dumbass.]

Captain only gave a half hearted laugh as he stood back up, shakily, and placed a hand on the unicorn's back for balance. Twilight walked with caution, and looked behind her after every step as if expecting the man to run away at the slightest bump. The short distance left to Fluttershy's house was dragged on indefinitely, and Captain had been spreading the blood all across his face as he wiped away the tears, leaving a sanguine mask in the trail his fingers made. Finally the road led across a small creek, and to the front door of the cottage.

Fluttershy? Fluttershy where are you?" Twilight called out, as she pounded on the door.

"I'm in the kitchen Twilight," called out a soft voice from inside the house, "I'll be there in a minute."

"Fluttershy this is an emergency I need your help someone's hurt, and you're probably one of the only ponies that can help him." Called the frantic unicorn. From within the cottage a crash echoed, and rapid hoofsteps pounded on the floor until they reached the door. A yellow pegasus Captain assumed was Fluttershy threw open the door, and let out a small "eep" as she saw the creature before her.

"No soy that ugly." [Use context clues.] Slurred Captain as he spat a bloody wad of saliva at the floor.

"O-oh my Twilight who's this." As she gazed at the bloody ape standing in her door way slowly dripping crimson ichor onto the floor.

"This Fluttershy, is Capitan. He was hurt in a fight with Rainbow Dash. We need to help him quickly. I'm afraid he'll die if we don't."

From behind the yellow pegasus came a snow white bunny. Looking warry of the new visitor,  and disgusted at the blood pooling at his feet. Squeaks, and squeals poured from the rabbit as he voiced his protest against the intruders. "Please Angel, he needs our help. I can't just stand by as he bleeds to death I have to do everything in my power to make sure he survives," retorted the pegasus mare, as if she were justifying herself to the rabbit. "Now Twilight I need you to tell me exactly what happened."

Captain could only watch as he saw Twilight abridge the events of the day at speeds that would have made Rainbow Dash envious.

"So he got bucked in the face and hasn't stopped bleeding since then?" Asked Fluttershy trying to confirm the gist of it.

"Yeah that's about it. So is there anything you can do for him?" Twilight asked in earnest.

"Well he looks like he's from sea level, right?" She asked turning to Captain.

"That's right why? Is that important?" He asked as his face grew paler somehow.

"That may mean that you're body's not used to being so high over sea level which would explain why you're bleeding so heavily. As for the buck to the face that would explain the broken nose that would have caused the bleeding."

"So doc is there anything you can do for me?" Captain asked as he lost his balance again, and placed a blood caked hand atop Fluttershy's head to steady himself once more, and she did not refuse him. The white rabbit beneath him however took great offence at this act, and began to kick him repeatedly in the shins. A wave of nausea swept over him once again, as the dizziness whirled in his head. Captain looked down for a moment at the bunny, and proceeded to empty the contents of his stomach on top of the poor creature. The look on the bunny's face was contorted into that of fear and disgust. Immediately it scampered off leaving large bloody foot prints behind it.

Captain looked down at the red puddle on the floor of Fluttershy's cottage, coagulated lengths of blood, and bits of scab had solidified in his stomach,  and were now splattered on the two mares next to him looking on in shock. The man fell to his knees for the second time, and felt gravity gain hold on him. As his vision faded to black and his face met the floor, he could just barely make out the shouting of his name.

Waking up

Captain lay on the cold floor, as his brain fell into a deep haze. The black void his mind now occupied was occasionally punctuated by two familiar voices.

He's waking up, quickly...,his mind fell back into the fog that was unconsciousness.

Again his brain rose to the surface barely recognizing the sensations around him. He could feel a familiar tingle, surround his body, but the feeling was numbed for some reason.

Careful Twili..., gone again.

His psyche now floated in the realm of dreams, as opposed to the tar like pit that had consumed his mind earlier. In the distance he could've sworn that he heard his name called and his breathing become easier. Its just a dream it'll go away soon enough his blood deprived brain though. His imaginary eyes fell on the landscape that his psyche provided. Before him spread a gentle meadow, long reeds billowing in the wind, as moonlight reflected off of a pond beside him,  and strange constellations peppered the indigo sky. Turning to the side he saw the pale moon's glow reflected softly in the rippling water's surface. He lost himself looking into the hypnotic reflection presented to him. Out of the corner of his vision he could see a dark figure, but when he turned to look it was gone. Again and again a shadowy figure appeared, but when he turned to face it, it was gone.

Be still child this remedy is not mild, echoed a voice from beyond the confines of his mind.

"What the hell was that?" He shouted at the heavens.

Quickly Twilight he's struggling, you have to hold him down, Came the voice of Fluttershy.

"God damn it who's out there? Quit fucking with me."

The shadowy figure blinked out from the corner of his eyes once again, and turned to face it. This time though he saw a lage equine shape gallop into the distance. Without a second thought he tore after it.

Oh no his heart rate's rising, you have to calm him down, again Fluttershy's voice pounded in his ears.

The shadow horse had now stopped, and appeared to be waiting for him, taunting him with an unreachable prize. His heart pounded, lungs burned, and legs screamed for a chance to stop. None received a rest as he chased the beast beneath the moonlight. The meadow that had stretched to the horizon now gave way to gradual hills, and rocky outcrops. The creature simply continued as if nothing had occured, Captain on the other hand was noticeably less lucky, as he stumble across every stray stone in his path.

The farther he went, the rougher the terrain became. Half of the loamy hills that had sprung up were now exposing the naked rock that lay beneath as though someone had been carving out the hillside. He glanced up at the indigo sky, and saw that it had become several shades lighter, as some of the stars began to blink out of existence. The hills had all but given way at this point leaving behind a maze of rocky,  jagged cliffs. He could make out the shadow pony now, the sky had grown a shade lighter, and the creature's outline was clearly visible ahead of him now.

Quickly you two, he must swallow this healing brew. Came an unfamiliar voice clawing its way into his head.

As he licked his lips he could taste bile on his tongue and hoped that whatever was happening on the other side wasn't going to kill him.

It's not working he still feels cold, and his heart's still racing the voice of Twilight cut him like a knife. Losing his focus he tripped and fell on his face.

Ignoring the stinging on his cheeks he could feel a strange satisfaction in knowing that his quarry was at hand. "I've got you now fucker." One final corner he rounded, and saw standing atop a cliff, a pitch black,  winged unicorn looking through him with a pair of pale pure white eyes. It was gone as quickly as he saw it. Slowly he made his way out of the stone labyrinth and took note of the horizon, it had gone from indigo to lavender,  and was quickly burning into red. The red, short lived as it was, bled into orange as the first rays of sun began to poke over the horizon. (At this point I really don't feel like describing the sunrise anymore so here enjoy)

As the sun rose his world bled out around him until finally he noticed he was awake. He could feel his limbs intact all felt heavy, and useless as he could do no more than twitch in the darkness. This was no darkness like what he had experienced in his dream instead this was simply his eyes closed. He tried to lift his eyelids but even those felt like lead on his brow. If he could not move then he could at least think, and take inventory. The first thing he noticed was that he was laying in a bed, with thick quilts brought up to his chin. The second thing he took note of was that he was naked save his underwear. Thirdly he had a faint noxious taste lingering in the corners of his mouth   Finally, there was no shortness of breath here, no thinned air it was as if he was back home. While he laid there, he could hear soft snoring coming from the foot of the bed.

With a strain he opened his mouth in an attempt to speak, but all that escaped his maw was a low moan. Immediately the snoring lump at the foot of the bed stirred. He moaned again, and again the lump moved. For several minutes the moan and move cycle repeated. Until finally the lump spoke.

"Spike shut up I'm trying to sleep."

"Twilight, " Captain responded, finally gaining the strength to speak.

"Five more minutes, please."

"Twilight you're late for school," the bedridden man jested.

"What! Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh," he heard her squirm a bit before crashing onto the floor. "Wait a minute Capitan was that you?"

"Good morning to you too beautiful. Ugh how long have I been out?"

"You're okay," she responded with a noticeable quiver in her voice, "you've been out few hours Captain.  I had to ask my friend Zecora to brew you a potion to replace some of the blood you lost."

"Oh so that's what that taste is I'll have to thank her once I see her. But I have to ask why didn't you just use all that crazy magic-y stuff you have."

"As it turns out my magic doesn't affect you as strongly as ponies. You seem to be resistant to it somehow. All that my healing magic seemed to do was make you weak. It's a good thing too because your heart rate was skyrocketing as Fluttershy tells me."

"That's why I feel like I was mauled by Donkey Kong. So the reason I can barely talk is because you zapped me with crazy, potentially dangerous magic."

"Yup."

"Awesome. Speaking of Fluttershy, where is she. I don't think we were properly introduced before I puked on her rabbit, passed out on her floor."

"Fluttershy's downstairs tending to her animals, and what's a 'Donkey Kong'?" Twilight asked skeptically.

"He's a video game character. What is a video game? Dont ask I'll tell you later. Now, where the hell did you put my pants?"

"Your clothes? We had to strip you out of them because they were covered in blood. Fluttershy suggested leaving your 'underwear' on. Dont worry we washed them and everything they're downstairs.  But I dont really understand why you want clothes, why not just go naked like ponies?"

"Well unlike you damn nudists I was raised on the concept of shame. Plus its kind of cold here for my taste."

The longer that Captain and Twilight chatted the more he felt like his strength was returning. Finally he felt like he could open his eyes. With muted excitement Captain slowly opened his eyes, and saw several indistinct colorful blobs in the distance.

"Donde chingaos tirastes mis lentes?" [Where the fuck did you throw my glases?] He muttered in the general direction of the purple blob.

"I'm sorry what?" Twilight asked

"Sorry I tend to speak spanish when I'm frustrated. What I meant to say was where the fuck did you put my glasses?"

"Oh your glasses I put them on the side table over there. And do you really have to speak like that all the time."

"It's in the blood. Now could you please help the poor blind man get his glasses? I'd do it myself, but it kind of hurts to breathe."

"Sure here you go," she said as the familiar sound of magic filled his ears, and his glasses came into view. He tilted his head forward a bit, and allowed the frames to drop onto his face. After a few blinks his world came into foces, and the first thing he noticed was a large purple bubble around the bed.

"Uh Twilight what's up with the purple force field thingy?"

"Well do you remember when Fluttershy asked you if you were from sea level?" He nodded. "Well she suggested that I put up a barrier, and raise the air pressure enough so that you could breathe comfortably. I don't get how you do it though the air feels so thick here."

"You get used to it I suppose. Now could you do me a favor and grab my clothes for me please, I feel like getting up."

"Sure I'll be right back," and with that the lavender mare was out of the door.

For a few moments Captain sat up, bored until he began to move his limbs. One by one each extremity lifted, and flexed with his commands. Bringing a hand to rest on his chin he quickly cracked his neck and received a series of satisfying pops in return. When his head was turned he saw that outside it had grown dark, and the moon was high in the sky. Soon enough he heard the hoofsteps up the stairs, and eagerly awaited for the unicorn to bring up his clothes. What he saw instead was a livid yellow pegasus in the doorway.

"What do you think you're doing sitting up sir," she said with much more firmness than he thought possible.

"I feel fine," he countered, "I'll just go be on my way if you don't mind."

"Oh no you don't mister Captain," the yellow mare said as she hopped up onto the bed," you've just suffered major bleeding there's no way I'm going to let you walk out of here right now," she snorted as she firmly placed a hoof on Captain's chest. "You need several more hours of bed rest, at least, and until you do I'm not letting you out of this room," the butter colored pony finished as she stared into Captain's eyes with a look that turned his remaining blood to ice.

"Okay," he gulped, "but could I at least put my clothes back on?"

"Fine, but dont overexert yourself or I'll come over here and dress you myself."

"Y-yes ma'am," he managed to stutter out while a mild shiver went down his spine.

"Oh I'm sorry are you cold... did I scare you, I'm sorry. Here let me give you another quilt, " she said as she hefted another cover on top of him. Soon after she trotted out, and called for Twilight to bring up his clothes. "Now you stay here while Twilight brings up your clothes. I'll be back to check up on you later."

A few minutes later Twilight came up the stairs levitating a bundle of rags he called clothes. She placed them at the foot of the bed, and sat there.

"Well?" She asked.

"Well, what?"

"Aren't you going to change?"

"Not with you looking. Please leave."

"Why not?"

"Again it goes back o the whole 'shame' thing. People don't usually change in front of each other."

"Why not?" She asked as she popped a quill, and a leaf of parchment into existence.

"Shame you know that thing that makes you guilty or embarrassed about your body."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Tell that to 50,000 years of evolution," he mumbled.

"So your world's only 50,000 years old?" She asked as the quill scribbled furiously across the paper.

"What? No, I'm pretty sure it's a lot older than that. Look we're getting off track here," he exclaimed obviously flustered,  "please get out real quick, so that I can change. Then I will answer whatever inane question you have about my planet. Okay."

"Okay," she conceded as she stepped out of the door.

Standing up, Captain felt a wave of dizziness wash over him, so he sat back down. True to her word Twilight had washed his clothes, and had even managed to get the blood stains out. Putting on his shirt was no trouble, and his pants proved the same. One unsteady step later, and he was up again. A knock on the door, and his rear met the bed once more.

"Captain are you okay in there?"

"Peachy. Why?"

"No it's Twilight. Anyways I brought you something to eat in case you were hungry."

"Food you say. Come in come in."

In came Twilight a steaming bowl of soup floating beside her head.

"It's vegetable soup," she said with a grin, placing it on the side table along side a spoon.

Picking up the bowl and spoon Captain took a hesitant taste.

"Mmmm just like mom used to make."

"Really it's that good?" The unicorn asked hopefully.

"Actually she couldn't cook soup to save her life, but its still good soup. Now you wanted to ask me some things about Earth I belive?"

"Yes I've already made a list of questions."

For the next several hours Twilight covered every subject from agriculture to zoology punctuated by the occasional bathroom break or a bowl of soup. Fluttershy had checked in on the two once or twice bringing a vial of foul smelling liquid. Which Captain choked down under threat of violence. After what seemed like an eternity however warm orange sunlight filtered in through the cracks in the shutter.

"Damn what time is it," he said while stifling a yawn.

"It's about six in the morning. We've been up all night."

"I don't suppose I could ask a favor?"

"Sure, anything Capitan."

"Seeing as how I don't have a place to stay, I was wondering if I could stay with you for a while? I would ask Fluttershy, but to be honest she scares the piss out of me."

"Sure I'd be happy to help you out."

"Alright let's go then."

Before Captain could stand, the door flew open, and in flew I pink maned pegasus landing atop his chest.

"You're not going anywhere not in your condition at least. You can barely stand let alone walk, and if you think that I'll let you walk out of here you've got another thing coming."

"Look Fluttershy I kind of feel like not being cooped up all day, and I'm pretty sure you don't want me to keep stinking up your bed spreads. So how's about a deal, you wait down stairs and if I can leave this house you let me go, but if I can't then I'll gladly stay in bed until you deem me healthy again. Do we have an accord?" The human said extending his hand.

Reluctantly Fluttershy extended her own hoof, and shook. While hand and hoof were still clasped Fluttershy added, "without anypony to lean on either."

"Deal," they blurted simultaneously. "Sucker," they added beneath their breath. With the horribly unfair deal struck both mares departed.

The trip down stairs was just that, a trip and a fall. As Captain got up off the bed the vertigo he was do familiar with reared its ugly head once more. The floor neared itself ever so slightly before the man was able to correct himself. The next step was a bit easier, and with each step he neared the barrier Twilight had erected. Placing his hands gently upon the translucent surface of the barrier, Captain was amazed by the wall of solid magenta light. With a push he managed to get through, before the light headedness that came with the thinner air outside took hold. With heavy, uneven steps Captain made his way towards the stairs. If walking had prooved to be a challenge then the stairs were hell. Each step he took made his balance waver.

"Okay deep breaths, deep breaths," he told himself. After a few seconds however gravity won, and he tumbled down the stairs with a noisy thud. "Chinga su puta madre!" [Motherfucker!] Echoed throughout the cottage.

"Oh my are you sure you wouldn't prefer to be back in bed, resting?" Asked the yellow pegasus.

"Never!" He replied

The pair of mares simply watched as Captain dragged himself out of Fluttershy's home.

"I win," he said crossing the threshold. "Now lets go back to your place Twilight."

"I am not walking home with you dragging yourself across half of Ponyville," she said with a huff.

"Fine, have it your way," he said as he got up.

With that they continued their quest to the library.

Welcome Back

Captain rubbed his right eye as a familiar twitch ran through it. "Ugh," he grunted.

"Are you alright Captain?" Asked Twilight.

"Yeah my eye's just acting up."

"What does that mean?"

"It means my idiot sense is tingling."

"Oh please there's no... such... thing," she replied as she remembered 'Pinkie sense'. "So anyways how has the tour of Ponyville been so far."

"Apart from being assaulted twice, insulted, and suffering massive blood loss everything's been fine."

"Good to hear," she said skeptically as they approached the library door. With a quick pull of the doorknob the door opened, and out flew a pink blur.

"Helooooooooooooo Cappy!" Shouted a pink pony as Captain rubbed his eye.

"Told you."

"Excuse me Pinkie, but why are you in my home?"

"Oh that's simple, I read up to last night, and I came here to throw Cappy a welcome to Ponyville/hope you're better/fuck it let's party party."

"That still doesn't explain why you couldn't have thrown it at Sugarcube Corner."

"Well at first I wanted it to be a surprise, but then Cappy's Captain sense gave it away. So now I'm just trying to make Cappy feel welcome. Any other blatant plot-gap filling questions you have?"

"Not really. Now if you'll excuse me I've got to write a letter to Princess Celestia. Come on Captain lets see if I cant find you a bed." With that the lavender unicorn took a step inside, what she saw made her blood boil and her intestines threaten to leap from her throat in disgust. There, laying on the floor was Spike coloring in several books. "SPIKE! WHAT THE FUCK!  DO YOU THINK! YOU ARE DOING!"

"AAAAA!" Yelped the lizard. "Y-you told me to get out all the books on humans we had so I did, this one here's got connect the dots, and this other one has a crossword puzzle, I'm not done with that one yet. You wanna give it a try."

"I meant all of the adult books we had."

"You said that I'm not allowed in the adult section of the library until I'm older, and besides these were all the books on humans we had."

"Seriously? What do they say at least?" Twilight asked, her head hung and her mood downcast.

"They say," Spike began as he stood up, and lifted a crayon covered book, "that humans are hairless gorilla pigs that stand on their hind legs all the time. It also says that they like to wear clothes all the time, and have thumbs. Apart from that not much else. How do you like my human?" Spike asked eagerly as held up a page with a purple and brown bipedal figure in the middle.

"How cute you made him smile. What did you do with the rest of the books I asked you to pull?"

"They're over there in that pile," he said haphazardly, waving a claw in the general direction of a small pile of books. With that Twilight trotted off to the books.

"Hey. That looks nothing like me," said Captain as he approached th purple lizard.

"It's not you, he's my original character. His name is Max. Max Powers. He's a super spy who saves the world, and gets all the ladies."

"Does he also have this annoying bookish female companion who constantly gets in his way, and messes up."

"Yeah actually. How'd you know."

"Lucky guess. Anyways he seems like a fine Mary Sue."

"No his name's Max."

"Awesome shorty, now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go find me a bed, and sleep for the next day and a half."

"But Cappy, if you sleep that long you'll miss your official 'Welcome to Ponyville' party," Pinkie said with a frown.

"Don't worry I'll just take a nap while you set everything up, and why aren't you surprised that I can speak english? "

"Okie dokie lokie. I'm not surprised because I never thought you couldn't."

"But how did you know?"

"Because I know that the author's lazy and didn't want to keep translating everything you said, so it would only make sense that you would speak equestrian to give him less work to do."

"I... think I'll go take a nap now."

"Okay Cappy see you later."

With Pinkie Pie off to god-knows-where and Spike doodling in childrens books Captain took his chance, and began to look for Twilight. His short search around the tree-house/library prooved to be a fruitful one, as Twilight was seen skulking around the basement.

"Hey Twilight what are you poking around the basement for?" Asked Captain, sticking his head through the door.

"I'm looking for the spare mattress. I keep it down here."

"Do you need some help?"

"No I've got it," she said with a grunt, as she pulled the mattress free.

"Great. Where to now?"

"I don't have a guest room, so that means that you can sleep in my room with Spike and myself."

"Sounds like a plan. Now let me help you with that."

"No it's alright. I've got it. Plus Fluttershy told me not to let you over exert yourself."

"Oh please," he said dismissively, "if I can take a windshield to the face at forty miles per hour, and still keep my pretty face intact, I'm fairly sure that lifting a mattress won't kill me."

"Pretty face?" Twilight asked. "That's the first I've heard you and pretty in the same sentence. Plus do you really want Fluttershy to give you 'the stare' again?"

"Fuck you too Sparkle. You've got a point on not pissing off Flutters though. Fine you win lets go," he conceded with a roll of his eyes.

The two walked to Twilight's bed room, and Captain could see that this mare had a thing for books. Books littered the floor, the walls, the bed, and even a few on the ceiling somehow.

"No life," he mumbled under his breath.

"What was that Capitan?"

"Nothing, simply noting what a lovely room you have here."

"Okay. This here will be your room," Twilight said as she gestured towards a bed-frame that was already assembled.

"Thank you Twilight. Now may I ask you where your bathroom is, I want to bathe before I go to sleep."

"Down the hall, and to the left. I'll finish setting up your bed while you bathe."

"Thanks."

Half an hour later, a positively refreshed looking Captain stepped out of the bath as a cloud of steam rolled out behind him.

"Y'ouch dude. Water hot enough for ya?" Asked Spike as he climbed up the stairs.

"What, you don't like the sensation of near boiling water caressing your backside?"

"Well yeah, but I've got scales that can keep out lava you don't."

"Lava? What the hell kind of lizard are you?"

"I'm a dragon," Spike said with his chest puffed out slightly.

"Seriously a dragon? So you breathe fire and what not correct?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Can you do me a favor?" Captain asked with a sly smile.

"Sure why not."

"Alright I want you to say 'Fus Ro Dah'."

"Okay, Fus Ro Dah." Nothing.

"Well it was worth a shot I guess."

"What did you want it to do anyways."

"Oh nothing. Now if you'll excuse me I have a date with a bed that I cannot miss."

"See you later I guess."

The two parted, Spike making his way to the library to mind the books, and Captain to see a mare about a bed. When Captain opened the door to the communal bedroom, he could see his bed made and a familiar purple mare sprawled out on the opposite side of the room. Gingerly tiptoeing his way to the bed, Captain laid down after a long day and a half of nonsense.

A familiar sight now greeted him, his dream world of midnight and endless fields now stretched as far as the eye could see. Slowly he made his way over to the familiar pond reflecting moonlight. For a tense few seconds Captain stared into his reflection, hearing nothing but the soft breeze gently bend long stalks of grass until finally he spoke.

"I do hope you know I can hear you."

"How... you... know... us... here?" The creature asked softly.

"I didn't. I was planing on you showing up, if you hadn't I would've just looked like an idiot," he replied, his eyes never leaving the water's surface.

"You... is... tricky... we... is... tricky... too," the spirit being replied.

"I'm getting up now, I don't want to hurt you, and I'm not chasing you down again so please don't leave. I just want to talk. Okay," he replied as he slowly got up, and turned to face the shadowy equine. Receiving no answer he assumed it had left.

"You... in-ter-es-ting," the creature said as he looked into the milky orbs it used for eyes.

"What's your name, and where am I?" He asked cautiously, hoping not to startle the creature.

"My... name... Lu-na, and this... is... dream," "Luna" responded.

"Alright then, why are you here?"

"You... in-ter-es-ting," she replied again slowly.

"Why the hell not," Captain mumbled, "do you always speak like that or what's going on?"

"It... hurt... us... to... be... here, in... you... head."

"Is there any way I can help?" He asked as he reached out to touch the shadowy form of Luna, only for his hand to pass through.

"We... try... but... you... not... like... magic."

"Can't you do anything?" He asked as he heard a few faint whispers on the wind.

"We... no... is... close... e-nuff... to... help."

"Where are you? Maybe I can come to you?"

"We... see... you... soon... e-nuff," she said before trotting off.

"Wait wait wait wait, wait. How is it that you find me interesting? And why are you leaving?" He asked as more whispers flew by.

The shadow merely waved a hoof, a large screen appeared before him, and the day's events began to play before him. "You... fu-ny," she added with a giggle.

"So I'm just some sort of joke to you?" He asked darkly.

"No...," she added quickly, "we... know... what... is... like... be... a-way... from... home... we... want... help... send... home."

"Really?" He asked skeptically, as the whispers grew louder, and the sky grew lighter.

"Yes... re-lee."

"So you're leaving now?"

"Yes."

"Why don't you stay, and enjoy a lovely sunrise with me."

"You... no... want... see... what... ha-pens... when... you... wake... with... us... in-side."

"Goodbye then, see you next time I feel like taking a nap," he blinked, and she was gone.

Staring into the western horizon, he saw the sun rise more abruptly than usual, as he absent mindedly rubbed his eye.

"Caaaaaaaaapy oh Caaaaaapy," recited a familiar high pitched voice.

"Whaaaat?" He whined.

"It's time for your party," added the voice.

"Seriously?" He asked while opening his eyes. "How long have I been out."

"About twelve hours now. We're already half done, and it wouldn't do for the guest of honor to not show up."

"Fine. Gimme a minute to get ready, then I'll be right down."

A few minutes, and Captain was making his way down the stairs. Already he could hear music playing as well as the raucous laughter of ponies down below. A familiar pounding bass rattled the walls, and emphasized his heavy foot falls as he neared the top of the staircase.

"Look everypony it's Cappy," shouted a pink blur in the sea of ponies.

Immediately every eye fell on him, and the needle skipped on the record. Aww shit, this isn't going to end well, he thought morosely to himself.

"Good evening everyone, I hope you're having a wonderful time," he said with a forced smile threatening to tear his face in half.

"Alright everypony let's give Captain here a round of applause," shouted Pinkie from the middle of the crowd. To their credit, they did cheer and stomp and shout in celebration, and soon enough the partying continued as Captain was lost in a wave of multicolor equines.

Several presented him with gifts, favors possibly believing him to be some sort of alien ambassador. A blue mare with an hour glass on her flank presented him with a toothbrush, a wall-eyed pegasus gave him a muffin, and a cream colored earth pony with an indigo and pink mane gave him a bag of lemon drops. The new friends he had made the past two days also gave him gifts, Applejack a few apples,  Pinkie Pie some turnovers, Rarity the clothes he had commissioned, Fluttershy more vials of medicine, Rainbow Dash gave him an autographed poster of herself, and Twilight gave him a book on the finer points of 'Equestria' All continued smoothly until he spotted a familiar seafoam unicorn with deep golden irises and a harp adorning her rear end.

"Come on say hi. You always said you wanted to meet a human," he heard someone say.

"I know that, but you didn't hear him at Sugarcube Corner the other day Bon-Bon," responded another voice deep with worry. "What if he goes crazy, and kills everypony here," the voice added. He turned to see the seafoam colored mare talking reluctantly to 'Bon-Bon'.

"I highly doubt that'll happen Lyra. Just go on over, and apologize for what you said. The worst he can do is still be mad at you."

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of," Lyra said as she took a shaky step towards Captain.

Captain could only watch as the seafoam mare made her way across the floor, and to an unimpressed human.

"H-hello," she said slowly. "Lovely weather today isn't it?"

"I wouldn't know, I was asleep all day," he replied nonchalantly.

"Look," she said, "I just wanted to apologize for what I said the other day at Sugarcube Corner. I was being stupid and selfish, and acting really foalish. So what I'm trying to say is-" she was cut off by a finger placed gently upon her lips.

"Apology accepted Lyra," he replied with a grin before lowering his head to hers, and whispering into her ear, "and if you ever talk about me like that again, I swear to your pagan gods that I'll skin you alive with your own God damned teeth." Captain stood, and wandered off to enjoy the rest of the festivities, but not before he saw a unicorn fall to her rump looking dumbstruck. He chuckled darkly to himself as he made his way around.

The rest of the party passed without incident, and as the hours stretched into the early morning, six mares and one human sat in the living room of the library swapping stories over a pint of apple cider. Save for Captain, who had been banned from sharing stories after he told them a tale entitled 'the time I got horribly nightmarish diarrhea'.

"So I'm stumbling through Canterlot, middle of the night drunk off my ass. When suddenly, I shit you not, this timber wolf comes out of nowhere, and tries to take a bite out of my leg. I'm like 'what the hell wolf I don't go around eating trees and shit do I? Of course not.' But remember, I was drunk off my ass so it actually sounded more like 'AAAAAA help me, a timber wolf's trying to eat my leg off somepony help me.'

Then out of nowhere this royal guard comes out, and starts blowing on this whistle which in turn caused the timber wolf to stop, but I didn't know this at the time so I keep running until I smashed into him. As it turns out, the royal guard was actually training timber wolves to sniff-out drunks, and corral them into the jails for the night. I did not know that.

So I'm tripping over myself as I slam into the guard, and this timber wolf is growling behind me. I damn near piss myself, damn near. I get up off the guard, and he looks me square in the face with that stony expression all the guards have, and he asks me what I'm doing out so late.

Then I figure I'm gonna be in some deep shit if I can't talk my way out of this. I don't even know what I was thinking at the time, so I get out my best puppy dog eyes, and get them watering. I remember that I was sobbing my voice cracked, and I tell him, 'please sir I was just trying to find my way home, when this timber wolf attacked me.'

The look on his face said it all, I was home free. Until he asked to escort me home. So then I was like-" *knock knock knock*

"I got it," said Captain as he got up to answer the door.

Pint of cider in hand Captain made his way to the door. When he opened the door an unexpected sight met his eyes. Standing in the doorway was an alabaster winged unicorn with an ethereal mane the same color as a sunrise, and atop the creature's head sat a dainty golden crown. The winged unicorn stood a full head taller than Captain, without being any wider.

"May I come in?" The creature asked in a gentle, regal voice. To which Captain responded by dumping the remaining cider into the flower bed, gently closing the door and returning to his spot in the living room.

"And long story short, that's why you don't run from the guards on a full bladder."

"Damn Fluttershy you've got the craziest stories," said Twilight

"Hey Applejack what the hell did you put in that cider?"

"Nothin' why?"

"Because I swear to god there's like this six foot talking horse outside that wants to be let inside."

"Oh please Captain the only pony I know of would be the Princess, and she should be in Canterlot right now," replied Twilight.

"Well does the Princess have this little golden crown thingy, and hair that's constantly moving?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I think I may have just closed the door on the Princess, or AJ really did lace the cider with something and I'm just tripping balls."

Several minutes, an overabundance of apologies, and quick introductions later, and the Princess was sitting amongst the seven already there with a pint held in her telekinetic grasp.

"So, I must ask you human what is your name?"

"Yeah ya keep changin' the subject every time we ask or deflect ta Captain," added AJ.

"Yeah," was the general consensus amongst the ponies gathered.

"Well you see," the man began reluctantly, "I'm just someguy."

"987," whispered Pinkie Pie. (Yes this entire fic has been leading up to that one crappy joke I hope you're satisfied if no up yours.)

"Seriously though what's your name?" Asked every mare there.

"Fine. My name is Raul Bocanegra."

"So Captain was it?" Asked the Princess.

"Yes."

The rest of the night passed rather quickly before the Princess returned to the castle. She left just before sunrise, and left a gilded invitation to the castle as well as a set of train tickets.

Gilda

High above the skies of Ponyville flew a lone griffin under the employ of the Cloudsdale Weather Factory. With the chaos caused by the enchanted storm ripping it's way across the whole of Equestria, the CWF had changed it's slogan to reflect it's new lax hiring policy.

Now hiring anything with wings.

The CWF held strongly to this belief by hiring every pegasus, griffin, unicorn with a cloud walking spell, earth pony that could satisfactorily train birds, and giant winged serpent that applied.

The griffin flew in the hopes of finding the leader of the local weather team. A pegasus pony by the name of Rainbow Dash.

Captain lounged lazily outside on a hammock, as Twilight read up on the finer points of enchantments, and Spike had a staring contest with an owl. The tickets that Celestia had given them had been post-dated a week in order to make necessary arrangements for an extended stay. Now however, Captain, felt the urge to nap overtake him, and could not deny his base instincts.

"Come on, do it," said a shrill voice.

"No you do it, he scares me," stated another.

"Come on you gals heard what Applejack and Rarity said."

Now, having found his nap interrupted, Captain creaked a sleepy eye open, and looked at a yellow, orange, and white blur. When the man slipped his glasses onto his face, the blurs came into focus revealing Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Applebloom.

"What are you three little thugs doing here?" he questioned condescendingly.

"We came here to apologize," said Applebloom proudly.

"Your sisters put you up to it didn't they?"

"Yup."

"Awesome. Apology accepted, now shoo. I have some important napping to do."

"But Applejack told us to get you some apology ice-cream."

"Ice-cream you say' lets go," he said getting off of the hammock, and slipping his hatchet into a belt loop.

The three fillies led Captain through town, and to the local ice-cream parlour.

"Hey Dash what's up?" the griffin asked.

"Gilda? What are you doing here," asked a bewildered Rainbow Dash. "I thought that you were too cool to hang here in Ponyville."

"Cool it Dashy, I'm here on official CWF business," Gilda said as she pulled out a badge with CWF logo on it as well as a stack of notarized papers. "The CWF sent me here to inform you about the enchanted storm... yadda yadda... to report all accidents caused by the storm to the weather legal department... blah blah blah... so you wanna go get lunch, and discuss the weather 'cause that flight took a lot outta me."

"You want to go get lunch after the way you treated my friends the last time you were here?"

"It's for the company Dash, come on. All of those stuffed saddles at the office are a bunch of l... ovely people who are a pleasure to be around," Gilda said with a plaster smile.

"Uh, sure if its for the company I guess. Meet me at The Bistro in an hour, I've got a job to finish up."

"Sure Dash see you there."

With that, each flew off in a different direction. One flew towards town, the other to knock a few clouds from the sky.

Fluttershy strolled through the market place, looking at nothing in particular. That is, until a shiny bauble caught her eye. This trinket was nothing out of the ordinary, simply a small butterfly clip with tiny ruby eyes that glistened in the sunlight, and emerald laced wings that caught the eye just so. Thankfully a few pet adoptions had bulged her purse enough to afford a small luxury such as this. A brief haggle with the owner, and she was the new owner of a ten bit butterfly clip. Without hesitation she attached the clip in place, and trotted down the street with her head held high.

That is, until she came across a band of fillies annoying up a bipedal figure in the distance. Hesitantly she decided to say hi.

"Good afternoon Captain, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Applebloom."

"Nice clip Fluttershy it really draws attention to your face. It looks... nice," he said nonchalantly.

"Thank you Captain," she responded as a blush crept into her cheeks. "So where were you four off to in such a hurry?"

"We're treatin' Cap'n here to some apology ice-cream on account uh accidentally causing the fight between him and Rainbow Dash," responded Applebloom, "would you like to join us."

"That sounds lovely. I'd be happy to go, but first I still have to buy Angel some shampoo."

Captain only snickered as he thought of the bunny rabbit. The four agreed to meet up at the ice-cream parlour later, and headed off to their respective destinations.

Gilda slogged through the international section of Ponyville with a strong craving for meat. The ponies being vegetarian was good and all, but on occasion a griffin got a yearning for the greatest of all things, jerky. Thankfully the local griffin merchant stocked a wide variety of salted meats.

Her purchase in claw, Gilda made her way down the street eying the imported wares. In the shop windows sat a multitude of wares: potions from far off zebra lands, smoked meats imported by traveling griffins, and all manners of scented soaps and bath oils from Saddle Arabia.

The aromatics surrounding the Saddle Arabian shop tickled her nose, and beckoned her inside. Her claw pushed against the stained glass door which caused a bell above the door to chime delicately. The bell chiming caused a familiar yellow pegasus at the counter almost dropping her purchase.

The pegasus' eyes grew wide at the sight of her. Quickly she finished her transaction, and scooted out of the door without a sound. Gilda's eyes scanned the shelves upon shelves of perfume bottles giving most less than a single glance. When it appeared that the store had nothing to offer, the griffin departed.

The pegasus, or Doofus as she had called the yellow pony during her previous visit, fled down an alleyway. Gilda though nothing of it, and continued glancing over the shops. Soon enough the griffin found her attention caught by some shiny bauble in the distance. As she neared her target she failed to pay attention to the pony she bumped into, but she did notice the sound of breaking glass and the strong scent of rosemary and lavender fill the air.

"Watch it bub, I'm walking here." The receiver of her verbal abuse only squeaked in response before running off. Gilda shrugged it off, and continued on her way.

Fluttershy ran through the market place, until she slumped outside of the ice-cream parlour. A few minutes later Captain, and his former assailants stepped out from the store, each with a cone in hand/hoof save for Captain who held two.

"Hey Fluttershy what's up?" asked the man as he held up an off-white cone. "We didn't know what flavor you wanted so we got you a vanilla."

"T-thank y-you Captain," replied the sun colored mare behind tear stained cheeks.

"What happened?" asked the three fillies in unison.

"Oh, it's nothing girls, just a little scuffle that I got into."

"Wait! What!?" Asked Captain.

"It's nothing for you to worry about Captain. It's just that Gilda's back in town, and I dropped some soap that I bought for Angel. It normally wouldn't be a problem, but I'm out of bits thanks to this," she said pointing to the butterfly clip. "I feel so foalish spending money on myself like that."

"Accidents happen Fluttershy, don't beat yourself up over spending money. Now how's about I talk this Gilda person into paying you back for the soap? What's she look like?"

"You don't need to worry yourself on my account."

"I don't have to, but I want to, and besides I need to pay you back for keeping me on this side of death's door."

"Alright I suppose. Gilda's a griffin, the last I saw her she was over in that direction," she said as she pointed a hoof in the direction she came from.

"Be back in a minute."

With that, Captain walked off in search of Gilda.

Captain searched all over the market, until he found a puddle of shampoo with claw marks and paw prints leading away. The man followed the soapy-prints until he found their source, a mid-sized griffin with a tan coat, and white feathers atop her head. Cautiously he approached.

"Excuse me," he called out, "would your name happen to be Gilda."

The griffin spun, and faced him. "Yeah what's it to ya freak."

"I'm here looking for you to compensate miss Fluttershy for her losses."

"So that dork is too lame to ask me herself, so she sends her hairless monkey hitman to do the job."

"I came here of my own volition, now please pay me for the shampoo, and I will be on my way."

"Fat chance loser buzz off. There's no way I'm paying that puny pushover anything."

"Miss... Gilda was it," she nodded, "is it safe to assume that you're an omnivore such as myself." Again she nodded. "Would you like to know one of my favorite recipes from back home?" Captain asked as his head tilted back, the shadows across his face grew long, a row of enamel showed itself, and his eyes were replaced with darkened panels.

"S-sure." she replied hesitantly.

Captain dropped his head low, and his voice was one that would be used for a lover. His lips hovered just above her ear when he spoke, ensuring that they would be the only two hearing this.

"Well miss Gilda," he said seductively, "back in my world this dish is a sort of delicacy. Prepared over a fire, the blood of the freshly killed animal not a few feet away." He could hear the muscles in tue griffin's esophagus contract as she swallowed. Quietly he pulled out his hatchet, and turned onto it's bladed edge. "Would you like to know the name of this dish." She nodded imperceptibly. "Chicken wings," he said as the blade of the hatchet struck the base of a wing, drawing forth a small yelp. "Now before I let you go," he said as the wide blade of the hatchet hooked around the joint, "you are going to go to Fluttershy, apologize for interrupting her day, pay her back, and pray on your miserable life that she forgives you." A final tap on her wing concluded his message. "Also, if this conversation is ever heard by anyone who is not you or I... well I don't need to tell you now do I."

As he got up, Gilda darted off into the back alleys. With no more distractions occupying his time, Captain headed off to meet up with the fillies, and Fluttershy.

Captain soon met up with everyone else already discussing Gilda's odd behavior.

"Wow Captain, what did you tell her?" asked the yellow mare.

"Nothing, we simply had a friendly chat. Why what did she tell you, was she being rude?" he asked quickly.

"Not at all. In fact she was extremely polite, and generous," she said as she pointed at a small pile of bits, "I always new that deep down she was a good person."

"Yeah good person," he said with a nervous chuckle, "if you'll excuse me ladies, I have an afternoon nap to catch up on." With that he departed, hoping to regain his previous warm beam of sun.

Jokes I Couldn't Find a Place For

Jokes I can't really find a place for

*Note these following excerpts have absolutely nothing to do with each other or canon. They may be included later in the story, but probably not.

*Ding-ding* chimed the bell as Captain stepped through the door, and into Carousel Boutique. Rarity had asked him to show up the day before to take more measurements for a new outfit she was designing for him. With nothing else to do at the moment Captain agreed.

"Rarity are you in here?" He called out to the seemingly empty storefront.

"I'm upstairs Captain I'll be down in a moment just wait for me there."

Looking around Captain found the nearest chair, one at Rarity's desk as it turned out. Taking a seat he noticed a small stack of papers next to a typewriter. I really shouldn't he thought to himself, but since when has that ever stopped me before. Taking the small stack in his hands he read the top paper. "Captain's Travels" he noted. Apatheticly he flipped through the stack of papers until his gaze fell onto an arbitrary page, and he began to read.

"And so it was that Captain who had neither seen the rocky horizon in over a month, nor felt the soft caress of a woman in even longer now held his gaze over his first mate. The two sat there in the pale moonlight, shining through the window in the captain's quarters, looking into each others eyes. With a low and sultry voice Captain spoke, 'Come now Antoine I know you've had your eyes on me for a while now, so what is the problem.'

'The problem sir, is what will the crew think of our relationship when they find out. They will not accept us as we are, and will surely call for a mutiny.'

'Worry not about the crew Antoine, who are they to deny love such as ours,' Captain reassured his first mate as he slowly slid his hand over Antoine's-"

"WHAT THE FUCK RARITY! THERE ARE JUST SOME POSITIONS YOU DO NOT PUT TWO STRAIGHT MEN INTO. THIS WOULD BE ONE OF THEM. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO GO THROW UP FOR THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON AND THEN GO KILL SOMETHING TO MAKE SURE I'M STILL A MAN. BYE!" With that Captain stormed out of the boutique as a red faced Rarity was making her way down the stairs.

"Was the story alright at least?" She called out after him, horribly embarrassed.

"NO!" He retorted, "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I MADE GAY PORN OF YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS?"

By now a small crowd of onlookers had gathered, and both Captain and Rarity had moved away.

Captain stood outside of Fluttershy's cottage, watching as the yellow pegasus fed the animals as part of her morning chores.

"Good morning Fluttershy, you wanted to see me?" He asked when she finally finished.

"Um yes that's right. Rarity was telling me about this magical floating rectangle you have that plays music."

"Oh you mean my phone. Sure I can play some music for you. What would you like to listen to?"

"I'm not sure. Whatever you want to play is okay with me."

You're going to regret those words. Captain thought maliciously. "here this song is lovely," he said as his lips curled into a sadistic grin. Placing the ear buds into the mare's ears Captain played his song.

"Um could you turn it up a bit please it's a bit quite," so he did, "a bit more please," and again. "Wait let the what hit the wh-" and so it did. Captain only watched sadisticly as the song finished, and the yellow mare was snapped out of her stupor. The question she asked him next stung worse than anything he could imagine.

"Do you have any more?"

(Arguing with a stallion) "sigue le asi guey y te arranco los pinches huevos por el culo." (Keep going man I'll rip your fucking balls out of your ass hole.)

Pinkie Pie bounded her way down mane street, and to the library to meet up with Captain whom she hadn't seen in a few days. Soon enough the building came into view, and she hurried her pace. Upon arriving Pinkie rapped on the door with a hoof, and waited for an answer. Beyond the door she could hear soft sobbing as well as the comforting voice of Twilight.

"Don't worry it'll be alright," Twilight said, "I'll be back in a second I'm just going to check the door, please don't cry anymore."

The sobbing only increased as the sound of hoofsteps approaching the door got louder. What answered the door was a disheveled Twilight, her mane was in disarray and her eyes bloodshot, she looked as though she hadn't slept well in a week.

"Wow Twilight what's wrong?" Pinkie asked sympathetically.

"It's Captain he has been crying non-stop for three days now. I don't know what else to do, he just keeps complaining about how crappy his life is and how he just wants it all to end."

"Oh no. Nononononononononononono," Pinkie muttered as she pulled out a geiger counter. "Oh no this is worse than I thought," she exclaimed.

"Why do you have a geiger counter?"

"It's not a geiger counter, it's my angst-o-meter. It measures the general level of angst in any one area, the more morose somepony it the more it'll tick. Right now it's saying that somepony in here is really unhappy. See," she said as she pointed at the a needle that was nearing the yellow section of a tri-color band. Swinging the device around, she located the source of the unhappiness, a lump on the couch crying it's eyes out. "Hurry Twilight we've got to cheer Captain up quickly before the needle gets to the red."

"Why, what happens if the needle reaches the red area?"

"If that happens Captain will be inconsolable and nopony will want to read the fic. Now Twilight we've got to make Cappy a BAMB again and quickly."

"What's a bamb."

"A Bad Ass Mother Buc-"

"Shut your mouth."

"Help me we've got to get him to attack something,  or swear, or crack an inappropriate joke. Something, anything. We can't let him become a mopey sad-sack." For several minutes the bubbly pink mare tried everything she knew to try and right Captain's sour mood, but nothing seemed to work. Slowly the needle on the counter climbed its way closer to the red, and even Pinkie's mane lost some of it's poofiness. With forlorn resignation, a fire lit in her eyes.

"Pinkie Pie what are you doing?" Asked Twilight as the pink mare positioned herself in front of the still dour human.

"I'm doing what needs to be done in order to save the fic," she said. "Please forgive me Captain," she mumbled right before she planted her lips firmly upon his, and stuck her tongue into his mouth. Immediately Captain pulled away, and began to gag violently, while wiping his tongue on his shirt.

"What the fuck Pinkie. That's not cool. What the hell have you been eating?  I think you gave me a cavity," he said as he spat to the side.

"Yeah well it wasn't a piece of cake for me either Cappy. You really should brush your teeth more often," she said as she mimicked Captain's spit to the side. "And eat less onion, it makes you a lousy kisser."

"Would you two quit spitting on my floor already," exclaimed a livid Twilight, "and what the hell was going on."

"I only did that in order to snap Captain out of the funk that he was in. So did the needle go down at least."

"Yeah it seems to be planted firmly in the green."

"You okay Cappy?" Asked Pinkie as she looked Captain over.

"My first kiss, and it was from a horse," he mumbled pitifully.

Canterlot

The incident between Gilda and Captain had long since passed; now the day of departure for Canterlot had arrived. In honor of this special occasion, Captain decided to change into the outfit that Rarity had made him, a pair of black denim pants, and a neon yellow cotton shirt.

"He Captain, why did you ask Rarity to make you such a strange color combination?" asked Spike.

"Well I asked for the shirt because wearing bright colors makes one look more approachable, and as for the pants, well black goes with everything doesn't it."

"I guess."

"Come on everybody's waiting for us."

The man and lizard then exited the library, making sure to lock it up. Captain, being ever paranoid, took his hatchet just in case. The two made their way to the Ponyville train station where the six were waiting for them. After a trip through the bustling streets of the quaint little town Captain and Spike arrived at the hoary train station. The Mane Six sat on their rumps twiddling their hooves waiting for the two to arrive with mixed enthusiasm.

"Took you guys long enough," said Rainbow Dash from atop a cloud.

"Sorry, Captain here took longer than expected to get dressed," Spike retorted flatly.

"Are you insinuating that my clothing was sub-par?" asked Rarity.

"No that's not it at all, I'm just saying that-"

"I may have put on a pound or two since we took the measurements. All of these baked goods aren't good for me," interrupted Captain.

"Well if that's the case then I'd be more than happy to make any alterations necessary."

"No need to worry yourself Rarity I think I'll just run a few laps around town."

"Would you slackers quit jawing the train's here already!" said a clearly annoyed Rainbow.

"Nice save," whispered Spike.

"Anytime shorty."

The train pulled into the station with an awful hiss and screech. The train itself, however, appeared to be made of candy, and cookie dough, much like most of the rest of the architecture in Ponyville. The interior of the train appeared normal, a few benches in coach, and more private cars towards the back, and a few select compartments in the middle. The princess had reserved the group a private car in the rear.

The eight took seats, and began to chat idly, waiting for the train to depart again. With a rumble and a shake, the train took off for Canterlot. The hours rolled by with the scenery, Captain occasionally asking Twilight to charge his phone while his music played.

The Canterlot station was much grander than the one in Ponyville. White marble walls with immaculately polished tile werr what Captain could see. The grand clock hanging from the ceiling read ten o' clock.

The eight gathered their bags, and made their way down the grand hall. With a wobbly step Captain followed behind Twilight.

"Are you alright?" Asked Fluttershy at his right.

"Fine, just a bit dizzy. I'm not used to being this high above sea-level," the man replied with a grin.

"I would be more surprised if you were feeling well."

"I'm sure I'll be fine, after all I've got you here to look after me. Don't I?" he asked slyly.

"J-just don't push yourself too hard okay."

"Okay."

The steep incline of the streets was reeking havoc on Captain despite his deep breathing exercises. Soon enough however their destination came into view, an enormous castle jutting out out of the side of the mountain. The castle itself was topped with painted spires, and even from that distance Captain could make out large gardens on either side. However the things that intimidated him were easily the hundreds of steps leading from the street to the castle courtyard.

Between his current, and final destination stood a procession of sorts. An alabaster unicorn stallion with a blond mane, and a compass cutie-mark.

"Who's that guy?" asked Captain.

"That, Captain, would be Prince Blueblood," Rarity said through grinding teeth, "come let us go look for the servants entrance."

"What? Why?"

"He wouldn't find that an appealing prospect, I suspect. He is far too conceited to allow anypony less than the princess herself to pass while he is primping his ego."

"Maybe if I ask nicely he'll let us through," Captain said naively as he took a step forward.

"Aren't you going to stop him?" asked Twilight.

"Why, I suspect that this may lead to a bit of comeuppance for Blueblood," Rarity said with a  malicious smile

"Fine," Twilight huffed, "but if he gets in trouble I'm blaming you."

"Duly noted, now hush darling, the show's about to start."

Captain approached the fancy stallion,  sure that he would be kind, and receptive.

"Good morning," Captain said jovially, "I was wondering if you would be so kind as to move for a few minutes so that we may get to the castle expediently."

"Egads, is that repugnant monstrosity attempting to communicate with me?" he asked a gold clad guard to his left.

"It would appear so Prince Blueblood," the guard replied sternly.

"As I said before, would you kindly step aside for a moment so that me and my friends may pass," Captain said, gesturing to the rest of his party.

Blueblood's eyes scanned the group, and locked onto Rarity.

"I am a prince, how dare you ask something of me you pissant, much less with that harlot nipping at your heels. Your request is denied, now leave before I have the guards dispose of you properly."

Captain looked over Blueblood's shoulder,  and caught the eye of a guard who only returned his look with a wink.

"I don't give a hairy horse-shit about royalty, and how dare you speak that way about my friend, now get out of my way before I lose my temper."

"Take yourself, and that tramp away from here at once,"

Captain didn't budge.

"Guards remove this foul creature at once," shouted Blueblood, but the guards had mysteriously vanished.

The prince's horn now glowed with a golden aura as he prepared a knockout spell. A blast of magic struck Captain in the chest, and he took it without a twitch.

"Didn't you know that magic doesn't affect me the same way it does you?" Captain jeered.

"What kind of monster are you?" Blueblood asked as Captain took out his hatchet.

"Run," Captain whispered. Blueblood bolted faster than Rarity thought possible with a livid man barely a step behind.

"Run, run, run you little sausage, I'm only going to eat you, and then kill you," Captain shouted as Blueblood rounded a corner. A second later, and so did the human.

Sitting at a cafe, Lyra sipped on a cup of mint tea. She had come to Canterlot to preform with the symphony for a few days. Today practice had ended quickly, and she had decided to treat herself a bit today for such hard work.

A sweaty panting Blueblood raced by, with a voice in the distance shouting... something. As the source came closer she could make out what the voice was saying.

"I'll skull-fuck you until you bleed semen you little bastard," it said, followed by a person wielding a hammer-like object.

"Check please.'

Octavia sat in the park enjoying the fine spring day, as she sat in the shade of a tree, her cello case sitting idly by. She briefly pondered wether she should pull out her instrument,  and play for a bit, but quickly dismissed the idea for now.

A shrill shriek interrupted her leisure time. Looking up she saw the prince charge at her. Blueblood took hold of her, his forleg wrapped around her neck, and sweat dripping off of his body. He pulled her tightly against the tree as he spoke.

"If you wish to make it out of this unscathed, don't move a muscle."

"W-what are you going to do to m-me?" Octavia had heard of this sort of thing happening in the rougher parts of the world, but never did she imagine that it would happen to her, much less in the middle of the day at the park. When she closed her eyes hoping that it would all go away, a voice rang out.

"Drop the mare you bastard, and take your ass-kicking like a man."

Octavia saw the strangest sight she had ever laid eyes on, a tall figure standing on its hindlegs. Its top half was yellow, and its bottom black.

"No, you're a monster,"

"And you sir are a ruffian and a scoundrel. Now let her go before I'm forced to end your lineage."

"Do you see," Blueblood whispered into her ear, "he's trying to kill me."

"Who ever said kill," the figure said, "I meant castrate."

The figure's statement caused a puddle to form on the ground.

"Last warning Blueblood."

"No y-"

Blueblood didn't finish because a whirring chunk metal cut off him, and a tip of his ear off before burying itself deep within the bark of the tree. Blueblood dropped her, and clutched his ear for a moment before scrambling off.

"Are you alright? What's your name?" the figure asked as he extended a hand to help her up.

"My name's Octavia, thank you for that," she replied as she got back onto her hooves.

"Good to hear, and don't thank me, I'm the one making Blueballs piss himself all over Canterlot," he said with a smirk.

"It was only a matter of time before he snapped, and what is your name sir?"

"They call me Captain," he said before rushing off after Blueblood.

Vinyl Scratch levitated some equipment from a case, and began to connect wires into plugs. She looked out over the hall, tables had been set up and an arch adorned the far wall. She was DJing for a wedding today as a favor to a friend. The tables were all topped with beautiful crystal center pieces, and rows upon rows of chairs sat nearby. Placing her headphones on, she started the turn-tables and turned the volume to max. She saw a few wires poking loose under the set-up, and carefully bent down to fix them. The repairs took several minutes, and some minor shocks, but eventually she was satisfied with the results.

As she stood, she gaped at the horror before her. Tables were upturned, a few reduced to splinters. Several of the crystal centerpieces were shattered, and covered in red. What she hoped were water, and ketchup mixed in pools on the floor. Scorch marks lined the walls, and chairs sat twisted out of shape. The arch that had stood so proudly at the opposite side of the hall was now a smouldering pile of ash.

Quickly, and quietly Vinyl made her escape.

Shining Armor had been told by the princess to expect strange visitors, but he had begun to worry. He had heard strange rumours concerning a fleeing Blueblood, and some sort of monster chasing him. The chance that there was a threat was bad enough, but the fact that it was Blueblood was no surprise seeing as how most of the kingdom wanted him dead.

In the name of caution Shining dispatched two of his best pegasus guards, Thunderdrop and Blitzkrieg. Both had been armed with a blowgun,  and enough tranquilizer to take down a manticore.

Thunderdrop and Blitzkrieg flew high over the capitol searching for any signs of trouble. Not much appeared save for a rather strange trail of destruction, and the accounts of several ponies along the way. The trail that they had been following led up a stairwell,  and to the roof of a building. There they found their targets. Blueblood's normally perfect mane was frazzled, he was panting heavily, and more than a few spots showed blood. The beast was doing slightly better his forearms showed first degree burns, and his shirt was covered in holes, and soot.

Blueblood was currently bucking the bipedal beast in the chest. It did little damage if any.

"That the best you got Blueballs? I know mares who hit harder," the monster taunted.

"You sadistic son of a whore. How is it that you're not dead yet?" Blueblood yelled as his horn flared, and fired a torrent of flame.

The beast ducked out of the way before the attack hit, and closed the distance between the two in an instant.

"You wanna know why?" he roared as he raised his weapon high over Blueblood's head. "It's because I'm a fucking monster!"

The two guards had seen enough, and fired a volley into the beast's back with a soft pfft. It fell immediately.

"What the hell were you two doing there looking pretty. When we return to the castle I'll be sure to have you two scrubbing toilets until retirement," the prince snarled.

Thunderdrop and Blitzkrieg exchanged a glance, and another set of pfft's were heard followed by a thud.

Captain awoke in a dark cell with wrought iron bars covering the entrance. He stood up, an immediately regretted it as his head swam, and his stomach threatened to expel its contents. He looked around, and saw a few tough looking ponies sitting on benches. Looking past the bars, he saw a unicorn guard, and asked a question.

"Guard, what am I in here for?"

"The attempted murder of prince Blueblood," he replied stoically.

"So," he looked at the other ponies in the cell, "what are you guys in here for?"

"The attempted murder of prince Blueblood," the guard said again.

"Wait, so there's an entire cell full of people who want to murder Blueballs?"

"Oh my no," he chuckled at himself, "this is the Blueblood wing."

"Oh. So you guys got any good stories?" Captain asked.

"... and that day I learned that handcuffs lock in place, and rotate," Captain told his fellow prisoners.

"Human," barked the guard, "come with me."

The guard led Captain to out of the cell, up some stairs down long twisting hallways, and finally to a set of double doors.

"The princess wishes to have words with you. Behave yourself lest you wish to find yourself in a shallow grave."

"Noted."

The doors were engulfed in a field of sunlight, and creaked open. There sitting atop a massive throne was Princess Celestia herself.

Her eyes were stern yet gentle as she beckoned Captain forward.

"Good afternoon Captain, please have a seat, we have some things to discuss."

This wont be good for my health, Captain thought to himself.

"The incident with Blueblood today has confirmed my suspicions."

"And what would those be exactly?"

"Firstly, that you suffer strange twists on conventional magic. Secondly, I have also seen that you are a defender of most, and don't suffer selfishness of Blueblood's level. Although few can."

"So what does this mean to me?"

"It means that we cannot send you back to your world with conventional magic, and that you will be excellently suited for the task I have in mind."

"What would that be?"

"Helping the Elements of Harmony in retrieving some special keys. We don't know what they are, or where they are located, but we have our top scholars looking into it. When the time comes, I shall inform you of the whereabouts, and then send you to retrieve them. Does that sound acceptable?"

"Nothing in this life comes without a price, so what is yours."

"I have lived for thousands of years, I have moved past most of my desires for material possessions. I do hope that you can accept that this is simply a sign of goodwill."

"Alright," he said as he extended a hand, "we have a deal."

Celestia took his hand in her hoof, and shook.

"I have a room prepared for you as well as the rest of the Elements of Harmony."

"Speaking of which, where are they?"

"I believe that Twilight is conducting some research regarding the location of a powerful tome on enchanting, as for everypony else I do believe that they scattered around Canterlot when you chased after Blueblood."

"I don't suppose I could take a nap right quick?"

"Of course, Captain I shall have a maid lead you to your quarters."

"Whatever happened to Blueballs anyways?"

"He is in the infirmary in critical condition, fret not he was apparently injected with a large quantity of tranquilizers, and will not recover for a few days at least."

"Alright thank you fot the information I'll see you later."

With that, Captain was led away by an earth pony maid.

Princess Luna

Captain wandered down the halls of the massive Equestrian palace, he had been given free reign after the incident with Blueblood.

"Halt foul creature," shouted a squeaky voice from behind.

Turning around Captain saw the source. A small slate gray, bat-winged pegasus pony in an oversized midnight blue helm clutching a stick in his foreleg. Cautiously the bat pony approached, stick in mouth. Captain only stared, confused, as the child poked and prodded him with the stick.

"Who's a cute widdle guy," Captain cooed as he scratched under the pony's chin.

"Stop that," he shrieked. "I am an elite guard of the princess of the night, Princess Luna herself. I will be shown proper respect," he said poking the stick at Captain's face. "By order of the great Princess Luna, I am taking you into custody to meet with her royal highness."

"Fine, why not?" Conceded Captain, as he currently had nothing better to do.

"Wait you're not going to put up a fight or anyt-"

"Nightshade," barked a voice that made Capitan's hairs stand on end. "What have I told you about harassing the guests?"

"To, not to," 'Nightshade' mumbled.

"A thousand pardons sir, he's my son, and it's bring your child to work day," said the newcomer, also a bat-pony only larger and wearing armor. "Say you're sorry Nightshade."

"I'm sorry," mumbled Nightshade.

"I am Obsidian, sir and this is my son Nightshade. We're both very sorry for the disrespectful behavior, but my son has a point in that the Princess wishes to speak with you."

"Fine let's go meet this princess of yours."

With Obsidian leading the way, Captain in the middle, and Nightshade bringing up the rear, to make sure Captain didn't do anything funny, the trio made their way to the chambers of Princess Luna.

"The Princess has instructed us to remain outside while she has words with you. But be warned if you try anything against the Princess, your entrails will hit the ground long before the rest of you does," Obsidian warned.

"I'll keep that in mind Obsidian."

Before Captain now stood a pair of mammoth oaken doors inlaid with silver moons, and other intricate designs. With a turn of the knob, and a hard push, the doors creaked open. The room beyond was decorated with deep indigo tapestries that blocked out the sunlight. The illumination of the room was a platinum chandelier hanging high above the floor. In the far corner sat a large four poster bed with maroon curtains and golden ropes. Opposite the bed sat a large grandfather clock, slowly, quietly ticking away. In the center of the room was a small table a pot of tea, a pair of saucers, and an alicorn of deep blue with a mane that blew in unnatural wind, and sparkled as the stars of the night. An onyx crown and regalia decorated her form. Then she spoke.

"Good afternoon, 'Captain' is it. It is good for us to finally meet thee in person. Please have a seat we have taken the liberty of pouring thee a cup of tea."

"Princess Luna I take," Captain replied with an arched eyebrow. "You're the one who's been in my dreams all this time."

"Yes we have been intrigued by thy presence here, and wished to lend our assistance in returning home. As previously stated we know what it is like being away from home for too long."

"Yeah, I heard that you trapped on the moon or something for a millennium."

"That is only partly true. We were exiled to the moon after we lost a fight with Celestia, after we tried, and failed to overthrow our joined rule and plunge the land into eternal night."

"Sounds serious, what happened?" Captain asked as he took a sip of tea.

"We just told y-"

"It's never that simple," he said sagely, "what else happened?"

"It is a terrifying tale, we are not sure that thou can suffer it's retelling."

"Hey I watched 'Two girls one cup' without throwing up, my stomach is plenty strong."

"What is that thou speakst of."

"Trust me, you don't want to know."

"Why is it that thou art so insistent on hearing this ancient tale from me, and not some book?"

"Because time has a way of making fools of us all, and with enough time passing, even the most painful things can be laughed at. This seems like a big thing for you, and maybe you need to laugh at it."

"If thou art sure we shall begin."

It started over one thousand years ago, our heart had been consumed be jealousy and hatred. The common ponies had dubbed us, as the night mare of the moon, Nightmare Moon.

"Original," said Captain sarcastically.

Quite, but their fear of us grew as they associated us with all of the fear and violence that dwelled within the night. Their unfounded, undirected aggression was targeted to the ruler of the night, us. Eventually, their fear and ignorance turned to hatred and we were ostracized for commanding the night.

Such a strange thing, to be hated for doing your duty to the people. But we digress. Over the years, we kept trying to reconnect with the commoners, but they would have none of it, all we received was being shunned all the more. It seems like a lifetime ago that we pondered the insane idea of a coup d'etat.

"If you think about it, it's more like ten or twelve."

It feels even longer than that. But after several years of scheming, stockpiling, and recruitment we were finally able to oppose my sister. Celestia begged and pleaded with us to refrain from the most horrible of all things, war. By that time our heart was too tainted by hatred to be swayed by mere words, so war became inevitable.

One day we simply became sick of it all, and refused to lower the moon. Celestia pleaded with us one final time before raising the sun. The eclipse it caused lasted for days. Both of our armies faced one another, those who used to be brothers in arms now clashed blades under different banners. It is sad really, the senseless bloodshed, but our tears for those lost have already been shed.

"One or two more tears won't kill you."

Possibly, but now is not the time. Our armies were not the only ones who fought, Celestia and I also collided on the field of battle. We can still picture her armour perfectly, a suit of enchanted glimmering gold, crushed gems that made it harder than steel. We wore black steel inlaid with obsidian and daimond.

By the end of the first day, both suits were tarnished beyond recognition, bent, twisted, charred, dented. By the second day we were fighting naked as the day we were born. Our armies gave out long before we did, as there were innumerable casualties on either side. Where others would bleed and die, we only did the former. Our wounds healed before each others eyes, but those of our warriors did not. We remember that midway through a fight we had managed to kick her in the face with enough force to dislocate her jaw, she didn't stop, she only snapped her jaw bone back into place, and continued to fight...

"What?"

No witty remark?

"Oh I'm sorry you were waiting for one, well lets see. I guess you could say Celestia was, unhinged." *ba-dum tss*

"Nightshade where did you get that drum?" Barked Obsidian.

"Storage," replied Nightshade coolly.

Soon enough it was simply she and I, we remember that for one attack she called a flare down from the heavens, we were lucky to escape mostly intact.

"What happened?"

One of our wings was caught in the torrent of flame that struck the ground, reducing it to a blackened stump. I can still recall the smell of burning feathers, and charred flesh. Needless to say, we fell to the ground after that. Our wing then regrew, first the bone formed quickly, branching off to form the more delicate features, then sinew began to spew forth, anchoring muscle to bone. Blood then started to to pump into the half-grown wing, and began to drip unto the ground. That is when the pain started as the nerves grew back, finally hide reformed on top in patches, leaving naked flesh exposed to the air. When the wing was completed, feathers erupted, and we were ready to continue.

"So Celestia let you regrow an appendage midway through a fight?"

You must understand that the regrowth took a matter of seconds.

"Oh, please continue."

With a new wing we took to the skies, and intended to repay Celestia tenfold. Where Celestia deals with fire, we are able to command ice on a whim.

(She said as one of her hooves became translucent. Jamming it through her teacup, the steamy liquid within froze before Captain could tell what happened.)

Now just imagine what that would to one's internal organs.

"Yeouch."

Yeouch indeed. As we plunged our hoof deep into Celestia's chest we could feel her organs freeze and crack at the slightest touch. Rather than pull away immediately as with the teacup, our touch lingered for a full minute before pulling back out. The horrible sound of organs grinding, and falling into paste echoed throughout our mind for centuries, as did Celestia's cries of anguish.

She had recovered quickly enough, and was upon me once more. Fire burned in her eyes not just the fires of war, nor those of vengeance, no these were the eyes of excitement. She was enjoying these feelings, and so were we.

We batted around one another mid-air for a short while, each collision caused a great number of sparks to fly off of us, and the stink of ozone to fill the air the air. Soon however, the sparks ignited the rotting carcasses of the soldiers below, as well as any spare munitions they had had on hoof. So now we were two immortal titans battling above an inferno during an eclipse. As you can imagine the scene was legendary, but neither of us cared for the it at the time. Now was a time for action, pain, destruction. It had been far too long since the last great fight we shared, and we were making the most of it whether we knew it or not.

For a second my concentration lapsed, and Celestia gained the upper hoof. That one moment was all she needed to knock us to the ground, and impale us on a cluster of broken wooden beams. We can still recall that one spike was made of iron, we could tell this by the fact that it cauterized the wound instantly leaving behind the stench of burning flesh reeking in our nostrils.

The grin on her face said it all, this wasn't about punishment, or revenge, this was pure unadulterated enjoyment of the deepest levels. The seconds felt like days as Celestia slowly took a deep breath. There have been a hoofful of techniques that only Celestia knows and this was one of them, Dragon Fire. When she exhaled, for the briefest of moments we could see the flames growing in the back of her throat before a torrent of flame fell upon our countenance stripping away the flesh, leaving only charred bone in it's wake, Celestia had even robbed us of our sight as our eyes dissolved into nothingness. The world was dark for an instant before our vision reformed. By that time Celestia had backed away assured of her victory. That was her last mistake.

We too have our techniques designed to kill in the least equine manners possible, and we were going to show her a few. The first we showed her had been called "The Buffalo" by those unfortunate enough to have witnessed it. We had turned both of our forehooves into their ether like state, and rapidly jabbed at every inch of her body, just below the skin, but not far enough to reach the muscle. When our onslaught had finished, a swift buck to the back was all that was needed to crack the fragile shell she now wore. Before she had turned around, skin was flayed from muscle leaving it naked to the wind around us. There, in that instant, we were fascinated with the muscles, and organs that beat and undulated just beneath the skin. All were there laid bare for us to see, that is until Celestia started to writhe in agony, and her skin began to grow back.

Before she had a chance to recover we showed another one of our techniques, "Daimond Dust" we had turned one of our hooves into the mist, and jammed it straight into her snout, down to the base of her throat. We waited for her face to freeze completely before removing our hoof, and turned her muzzle to powder with a swift blow to the head.

Teeth. Teeth were what struck us the most, we had already grown numb to the blood, muscle, and sinew with the rest of the body. Here though, was a whole new genre of pain for Celestia to experience. Broken jagged teeth erupted from the former maw of the solar princess, now in its place was a bleeding stump, if that. The remains of a tongue flopped languidly down her face as steaming ichor dripped onto the ground. Sputtered breaths sprayed blood everywhere as Celestia failed to express the unimaginable pain she was feeling. We could see fat tears dripping down her cheeks as she covered her fresh wound with her fore hooves, trying vainly to make the pain go away.

As bone grew back into place, and flesh knit unto it, she began to speak. Her voice sounded distant, hollow, and cold now.

"You know Luna, I think I might actually feel bad about this next part," naked tendons pulled on raw tissue, contorting her face into a horrid toothy grin.

She rushed us, and her massive blows met our chest, knocking the wind out of us and breaking a few ribs in the process. We struggled and gasped for breath, with the first lungful we took we saw her horn flare, and a spark shoot into my mouth. We were a fool to belive that Celestia, in her blood drunk haze, would abstain from using a technique banned by Discord himself on the grounds that it was too horrifying to contemplate. A war crime punishable by death itself, and Celestia had used it.

The white hot spark that flew down our throat had ignited the oxygen in our lungs, causing an explosion that ripped out of our chest, and took most of our body with it. One of our eyes hung lazily from its socket, and we could see why it had been banned so long ago. Everything from just below the roof of our mouth to just above our small intestine had been blown out across the battle scarred wasteland, only our spinal column stayed intact... barely.

Even then we could feel the bone knitting together, and organs reform, but we were too numb from pain to notice any more. Celestia had gotten a hold of the Elements Of Harmony, placed them into a yoke, and now held them over us. The prismatic beam struck us, and before our body could recover we found ourselves alone with our thoughts for one thousand years.

"Well what dost thou belive?" Asked the princess.

"This one time I got a really bad splinter," this drew a light chuckle from the princess of the night.

"We suppose that it was too much to expect more than a sympathetic ear. But thank you, speaking of this has helped us a bit."

"That must have been horrifying."

"Indeed, the battled scarred the land for centuries."

"No, I meant the time spent on the moon. The soul crushing loneliness. That must have been unbearable."

"That too was an unfortunate outcome."

"But after all of that you still got a cool story, and a lovely scar no doubt."

"We would have relished the idea of a lasting testament to our stupidity and hubris, but it was not to be. This body of ours does not allow scarring to occur, all is healed before they can form. But that is enough from us I have no doubt that you have a trove of interesting tales to spin Captain."

"Indeed I do, just pick a scar, and I shall tell you its origin."

"We wish to know the parentage of the bite marks on thine arms."

"Alright. So the story starts with me laying on my bed at seven in the morning."

"And so as it turns out, there were a lot fewer naked black guys waiting for me to drop the soap in jail. Apparently I'm not that attractive plus there wasn't any soap to drop."

"Thou almost seems disappointed."

"Trust me I wasn't. But all the movies make it seem like there's always one big naked black guy waiting for you to bed over at any given time."

"Moo-vies?"

"Motion pictures. Uh, pictures that move, obviously, but they also contain sounds and special effects."

"Interesting we shall have to expedite the development of such technology in the future."

The large clock in the corner chimed seven times. For the first time, Captain noticed how late it had become. The pot of tea had run out long ago, and what little light that did manage to flitter inbetween the curtains had nearly died.

"Oh my," fussed the lunar princess, "it seems as though we have kept thou longer than intentioned. We apologize for taking up so much of thy time. We must now raise the moon, and begin our royal duties. Please forgive us but we must go."

"It's no problem. Thank you for the experience. I'll see you around," Captain said as he extended a hand. Slowly Luna extended her own hoof and slowly shook. With that Captain departed.

Captain had almost made it back to his room before a familiar squeaky voice shouted.

"Wait monster," Nightshade sputtered between breaths, "Princess Luna has instructed us to present this box to an unworthy peasant such as yourself."

"What is it?" question Captain.

"I don't know. She told me no peeping," Nightshade replied with a huff.

"Thanks Tiny I'll see you later."

Nightshade only coughed, and extended his hoof.

"I suppose you want a tip too. Alright," the man said as he pulled out his wallet, and pulled out a single, "don't spend it all at once," he said, placing the bill in the colt's hoof.

"What the hay am I supposed to do with this?" asked the disgruntled bat-pony.

"I'm a freaky alien from another dimension, what do you think you should do with that. There's only ten of those in existence. Sell it to a collector for all I care."

The colt only stomped off muttering curses under his breath. Stepping inside his room, Captain regarded the container with scrutiny. A deep scarlet box with a gold lace bow on top. Pulling on the bow he removed the top was greeted by a gold chain with a crescent moon charm resting on a folded leaf of parchment. Delicate cursive letters spelled a small paragraph.

Dear Captain we hope that this letter finds you well. Enclosed you will find a charm that should allow us to communicate during sleep provided that you are wearing it while sleeping. We apologize for Nightshade's brashness in advance. We hope to see you soon.

Captain put on the charm, kicked off his boots, and slumped into bed.

The Everfree Forest part 1

"...and that's the gist of it," Captain finished, as he and Luna sat in a graveyard peppered by granite headstones.

"So you're telling me that Celestia has some sort of super weapon at her disposal?" the lunar princess asked skeptically.

"Not exactly, I've seen what these things can do in the human world. I really don't want to imagine what these things could do here. Thankfully though it should take a while to reverse engineer one of these things, let alone make one on the scale that there are back home."

"I see Captain, I shall do all in my power to either destroy this blasphemous weapon, or at least slow its production. On that you have my word. Now would you be so kind as to change the locale. This place... unnerves me."

"Right, sorry about that." With a snap of his fingers, the two were back on the boat. A slight creak in the background brought their attention around.

"I think that it is time for me to go, lest you wish for a repeat of earlier."

"Alright see you tomorrow."

"Agreed," Luna said with a small smile before departing.

Captain sat in silence for a bit as he rubbed his eye for a bit while waiting for his wake up call.

"Excuse me sir," a strong female voice said.

"Yes," Captain mumbled softly.

"Oh my, I didn't expect you to be awake at this hour. Miss Sparkle sends for you, she is in the main library."

"Why?" he asked, as he looked over at the voice, a unicorn guard.

"She said that she may have discovered a way to remedy the problem of your being here."

"Alright, I'll be there in a few minutes. Do me a favor, and keep an eye out for this little bugger by the name of Nightshade. I don't want him busting in on me while I'm on the can."

"What has my son done to you this time?" the guard asked as she brought a hoof up to her temple. "My name is Hemlock by the way."

"Good to meet you Hemlock, and just keep an eye on him, he likes to poke at me with a stick."

"I'll have to scold him about that later," the mare said under her breath.

With that, Captain got up, and preformed his morning ritual in the restroom. Once the man was sufficiently clean, he made his way outside, and to the library. Every step he took down the winding hallway was marred by ponies shooting him odd looks, hurring on their way, or even offering him a drink as thanks for dealing with Blueblood.

After a few more minutes of that nonsense, he reached the royal library. Pushing the door open a crack, he heard the Six, Spike, and Luna all conversing wildly.

"Are you sure about this Twilight?" asked a concerned Princess Luna.

"I'm positive that if there's a way to stop all of this, and help Captain back, it'll be in this book," replied Twilight.

"How do we even know that this thing's legit?" asked Rainbow.

"Every book I've consulted, and even Starswirl's personal notebook has pointed me at this tome. So I have to say that it must be real."

"Beg yer pardon Twilight, but you sure this is the right book?" Applejack questioned skeptically.

"Every time that this book was mentioned, it gave the exact same description. A dull brown, leather bound, iron-studded tome with four slots in the cover. Each a different shape, a triangle, a square, a circle, and a pentagon. So this has to be it."

"But darling, do you even know if this book will contain the information we need?" asked Rarity.

"I don't, but this is our only hope at this point. We need to stop that storm, and we need to send Captain back to his world, I-I promised him that I would."

"Have you tried opening it," asked Pinkie.

"I tried, but it's held closed by powerful magic," admitted Twilight.

"But Twilight," started Fluttershy, "how are you even going to find the things that fit into those slots? Obviously they must be keys of some sort."

"Actually, I do have a way of tracking them down. As it turns out, these 'keys' were enchanted, and every enchanted item leaves behind a magical resonance, especially strong enchantments. The keys, it turns out were specially designed to do just that. They're basically bleeding magical energy where ever they go, and they appear to have left a strong magical imprint on these slots. I've already started tracking them, and two of them actually feel close by. One more so than the the other. Actually," Twilight said as she grit her teeth, and flared her horn, "one appears to be here in the castle."

"Then let us be off," the princess stated.

Captain quickly straightened himself, and began walking in the opposite direction.

"Look girls, it's Cappy," shouted Pinkie Pie.

"Hey Cap where you been?" asked Dash.

"I got a little lost looking for the library," he said with an awkward chuckle.

"Don't worry about it," said Twilight, "I used to get lost around here all the time as a filly. Now, we have a plan, but were not even sure if it'll work. We have to find four... uh 'keys' I guess, and use them to open an ancient book about enchanting. We were actually on our way to find one now, come on."

With a nod Captain accompanied the eight, all being led by Twilight. Several minutes passed, with the purple pony lighting her horn every few steps to realign their course. After a half-hour, the group stood outside of a display for various relics of the castle's founding. A helmet, a few swords, a dented shield, and a small amethyst gem in the shape of a triangle.

Relics collected from the foundation of Castle Canterlot.

Twilight hummed as she looked over the case. "What does that plaque say?" she asked Pinkie, who was standing in front of a bronze plate.

"It says that the junk was found alongside the bones of a giant mole."

"Pinkie, it's not junk. They're ancient artifacts of a great struggle which took place in order to stop a great evil... I think. Anyways, it looks like this jewel's the thing were looking for."

Slowly, Luna approached the case.

"We should probably get a guard or something to unlock the case for us shouldn't-" *crash*

Everyone present looked on as the princess of the night smashed the case, plucked the jewel from its resting place, and fitted it into the book's cover. The group watched as the amethyst lit up with a deep purple glow, and tiny runes began to glow on the tome's surface.

"What does it say?" Asked Spike.

"It's a dead language, I don't think that anypony knows how to read it," admitted Twilight morosely.

"It says,'Property of Tim the Enchanter,'" said Luna with her head cocked to the side. "I do belive that this is in fact the correct book."

"What? How?" asked the lavender unicorn.

"Ancient immortal goddess, remember?"

"Oh right," the purple pony added sheepishly.

"Try opening it now," Pinkie Pie said.

With a burst of magic, Twilight grunted and strained, but the cover wouldn't budge.

"Quite obviously we are missing the remaining keys. I shall make preparations at once," said Luna before departing.

"Great, so what now?" asked Rainbow.

"I guess we split up, and prepare for a trip, real quick," said Captain.

"I guess it's a good thing that we're already packed then. Although considering it took a few guards to stop the mole thing, I think it would be best if we prepared ourselves for the worst," said Twilight

A row of nods, and the group set off to gather provisions for their trip. Captain, having no money,  or any idea what to buy, set back off to his room to rest for the no doubt long journey. The man made his to the kitchens for a quick meal, and then returned to his room to look over his few possessions in this world.

Before him now lay his phone and headphones, at half charge, and his hatchet, now with a fine coat of rust. The sight of his material wealth brought a slight humbling sensation. Slipping his phone into his pocket and placing the hatchet on the table, the man laid on the soft bed for what seemed like hours, contemplating his situation.

After a lifetime of probing the depths if his mind, Captain heard a knocking at the door.

"Hey Cap, you in there?" called Rainbow Dash from the opposite side of the wooden door.

"No," he responded sarcastically.

"Quit moping, the airship's all ready."

"The air what?" he asked as he got up, and retrieved his things.

"Airship. It's like a floating house held up be a big balloon. I don't get it either. Now hurry up, everypony's waiting."

"Alright, I'm up. Keep your panties on," Captain exclaimed as he opened the door.

The first thing that the man noticed was a pair of saddlebags,  emblazoned with Rainbow's cutiemark. The second was a look of annoyance plastered on her face.

"Come on slowpoke, at this rate, I'll die of old age before we get to the airship."

"I'm a magikarp at least," the man retorted as he walked past the azure pegasus. "We goin' or are we waiting for that heart attack?" Captain asked once he got a few feet away.

Rainbow's jaw dipped for a second before she caught up with the human. The two raced a bit and talked trash as they made their way to the ship already waiting in port.

Captain gaped at the leviathan vessel. The aircraft in question was easily a few hundred feet tall. A retractable bridge connected the balloon to land. A pink mare with a poofy mane waved at the two from inside. Twilight stood next to bridge, a hoof tapping impatiently as she saw the two approach. The lavender unicorn too had a pair of saddlebags strapped to her waist, each with her cutiemark embroidered on the side. At her side rested a package,  and a drawstring bag.

"You're late," Twilight said sternly, "everypony's already onboard."

"Sorry Twi," Rainbow said as she rubbed a hoof along the back of her head. "Cap here decided to take a nap, and so I had to wake him up."

"Come on you two, we've wasted enough time as it is. Captain, I've taken the liberty of packing you a bag, beacause I didn't think that you'd be able to. Not that you wouldn't be able to pack a bag, it's just that you didn't have any bits so I figured-"

"Thanks Twilight," Captain interrupted.

"Anyways," the purple mare said as she pointed at a drawstring bag at her side, "Princess Celestia sends this with her regards," Twilight said as she levitated the package to Captain's side.

"What is it?" asked Rainbow, with a glint in her eye.

Gently, Captain took the item from Twilight's telekinetic grasp. The box was a stark contrast from the gift Luna had given him. The package was wrapped in dull brown paper, and tied with rough twine. A simple white note poked out from between the creases.

May this assist you in your journey.

-HRH Princess Celestia

With a soft tug of the knot, the twine fell away and the paper fell to the floor. A simple wooden box with brass hinges, and a polished surface now sat in his hands. Captain opened the box, and within sat a black steel machete, in a strapped leather sheath, with a black plastic handle and iron studs. A new feature was inscribed in the metal, a set of red runes on either side. The blade had been sharpened to a point, leaving only a silvery luster in its place.

"What is that thing?" asked Rainbow.

"It's a machete," answered Captain, "but I don't know what these markings mean." As he raised his hand to touch the symbols, he could feel a warmth radiating from them.

"Those marking are from a very powerful fire enchantment Captain," said Twilight as she ran a hoof over the markings, "keep it, you never know when something like this could come in handy."

With a nod, the man tossed the box into the air and with a swift strike, drove the blade deep into the wood. After a moment, the box began to smolder until finally it burst into flame. Captain freed the machete from the burning wood, and kicked the burning remains over the side on the bridge.

"Come on, let's go," he said before returning the blade to its sheath, and slinging it across his back, picking up the bag Twilight had made for him, and walking across the path and onto the airship.

The man was impressed by the fancy decorations in the halls, and luxurious surroundings. High ceilings and ample halls accented the price of it all.

Twilight led the way down the immaculate walkways, leading the group toward the bridge. When the three of them arrived, Captain saw the rest of the Six jostling for position in the windows. Behind the wheel stood a familiar bat-pony, Obsidian. To his left sat Nightshade, and his right a familiar gray-brown unicorn filly.

"Good afternoon Sid," said Captain warmly as he approached the night guard.

"Huh? Wuzzat?" the stallion said, before falling back to sleep.

"You'll have to excuse my husband," spoke a female voice from behind, "he's had a long night dealing with these two."

"Not a problem Miss Hemlock."

"I'm not young enough to be called 'miss'. Just Hemlock if you would," she said bashfully.

"Alright Hemlock, this going to be a family trip or what?"

"Oh no sir nothing like that. Obsidian and I have simply been assigned to guard and pilot the airship, and as for the children, they enjoy tagging along."

"Okay cool, any idea where were headed though?"

"Unfortunately, miss Sparkle hasn't given us a heading yet. We are waiting on her orders to depart. Why don't you go ask?"

With a nod, Captain left the mare to attend her family.

"I can't believe that were actually riding on the royal airship," Twilight said with a bounce.

"Hey Twilight, you mind telling us which direction to go?" the man asked.

"Oh right, sorry," she said sheepishly. With a flash her horn burst to life, and out came the ancient tome. Captain could see her lavender magic probe the recesses of the jewels, and after a moment she flashed a smile at him. "It feels like the jewel is to the south. Wait no... southwest. Yeah definitely southwest," she said with an affirmative nod.

"You heard the little lady," Captain shouted, "lets shove off."

"This trip's going to take a while," the lavender mare said, "why don't we go get some rest." With that, the two were led to a pair of rooms. There were two rooms for the mares, and one for Captain and Spike to share. Plopping down on a cot, Captain began to sift through the bag Twilight had packed for him. A few snacks, a first-aid kit, a pocket knife, his other clothes, and a few bottles of water. Satisfied, Captain decided to check up on Luna.

"Luna?" Captain called out to the dreamscape, "Luuuuuuna."

"Yes," came an irritated response from behind.

"What kind of bug got up your butt today?"

"I am simply trying to rest after a long night of being violently ripped through strange beings' dreams, and doing princess-y things," Luna retorted. "Is there something that you needed?" she asked much more softly.

"I didn't see you on the airship, aren't you coming?"

"Unfortunately, my royal duties here in Canterlot are keeping me occupied, so I'm afraid that I will not be able to accompany you on your quest."

Both felt a tremor shake through the very foundations of Captain's dream world.

"It appears that you may have hit turbulence, I shall go before we have a repeat of yesterday," the princess said as she summoned a portal to leave.

"Luna, have you heard up on anything concerning the gun?"

"I haven't had the opportunity, unfortunately."

"Celestia is looking over a death-shooting murder stick as we speak, this is kind of a big deal, and as much as I would like to face off against an ancient, immortal, regenerative, celestial-body controlling princess, I can't. That means that you'll have to do it for me."

Luna gave a nod, but didn't meet his gaze as she stepped through the portal.

For once, Captain opened his eyes of his own volition, and saw that a softly snoring purple lump occupied the bed opposite his. He stood with a yawn, and arched his back in a way that produced the greatest number of pops possible. The airship gave another lurch, and sent the human to the floor. Scrambling up, he bounded out of the door, and to the control room. A few tense seconds and another lurch later, Captain reached the main cabin, where Twilight was already waiting.

"Hey Twilight what's wrong?"

"Sorry sir," interrupted Hemlock, "but the air currents around the Everfree are preventing the ship from going any further. I'm afraid that you'll have to continue on hoof."

"Well then, what are we waiting for," asked Captain, "let's get going."

"Captain?" asked Twilight.

"Yeah."

"I'm worried."

"About what?"

"That this isn't all just some insane pipe dream, I really hope that the book has what we need."

"Don't worry about it, if this isn't the answer then I'm sure that there'll be some other sort of crazy ass plan to fix all of this. If not, then at least humans only live until eighty or so."

"Wow, only eight," Twilight said sarcastically.

"And hell if this doesn't work out, hopefully I'll get some sort of bad-ass exit. Preferably with bitchin' music playing in the background." Captain's statement drew a chuckle from the unicorn. "And I promise, that none of you will be hurt while I'm around, because I'll be sure to at least take the worst of it."

"Don't kid yourself, you're not going to be able to do that."

Captain knelt down to eye level with the lavender unicorn, took off his glasses, and spoke.

"Look me in the eyes, and tell me I'm lying," he said sternly. Twilight didn't speak, she only kept his gaze for a few moments before blinking. "That's what I thought," Captain said smugly.

"Come on," the fuchsia pony started, "we've got to get ready to drop into the forest."

With that the two made their ways to prepare. A few minutes later, the Six and Captain were standing outside of the exit hatch, each carrying their bags, prepared to drop.

"We're going to drop anchor here," Hemlock said loudly to the group, "you'll have five hours to get there, and back before we shove off for Canterlot. This area's incredibly dangerous, . After that, if anypony's still in there, they'll have to find their own way out. Is everypony clear." Seven heads nodded in agreement. "Good, time to move," the guard said as she opened the door, and kicked a rope ladder down to the ground.

For a second, nopony moved, that is until Rainbow Dash got impatient. The azure pegasus dove into the roaring winds, just outside of the hatch. Reluctantly, Captain followed her lead, and stepped out of the door, and onto the rope ladder. Fluttershy stepped out next, opened her wings and allowed herself to be carried by the gale. Twilight continued by looking out of the door, flashing her horn, and teleporting to the ground. Rarity, proceded to take hold of the ladder next, and slowly climbing down, without opening her eyes until her hooves touched the ground. Pinkie Pie looked out of the door, and dove to the ground, landing in a bush, and giggling furiously. Finally Applejack looked down, took hold of the ladder, and slid down with the look of excitement burning in her eyes. When she landed with a puff of dirt, the orange mare could see Hemlock picking the ladder up.

Looking around, the group saw gnarled branches, and twisted knots in hoary trees. The dirty clearing they had landed in, was spotted with puddles of muck, and piles of hanging moss. Insects buzzed and animals went about their day as the airship's engines added to the din of the forest.

"So boss," Captain asked the lavender mare besides him, "where to now?"

With a nod and a flare, Twilight began to trot off and the rest fell into step behind her. The group found themselves following the lavender unicorn for about an hour, Twilight constantly adjusting her trajectory.

"Huh?" Twilight said.

"'Huh', what?" Captain asked as he swatted stray sprig of grass with the enchanted machete.

"It almost feels like the jewel's moving."

"What do you mean, moving?"

"As in, one minute it's in one spot, the other minute it's in another."

"It's a rock, how the hell does it move?"

"Hey y'all," started Applejack, "maybe it's like in the castle. Y'all remember how they found that first jewel, in the body uh some giant mole monster. Maybe it's the same thing here."

"That does sound like a possi-."

*ROAR*

At that moment, Twilight was cut off by the bestial roar of a lion in the distance.

"Oh shit, there's lions in here?" Captain asked, his voice thick with worry.

"Don't worry Captain," Fluttershy comforted him, "of course there aren't any lions here." That drew a relived sigh from the man. "That was most likely a manticore."

"What the hell's a manticore?"

"A manticore is an animal with a lion's head a scorpion tail, and a pair of bat wings."

"And here I thought that you were going to make me feel safe. Let me guess, it also pisses acid, and shits napalm."

"Not that I know of."

"Great, everybody be on your guard, we don't know what's out there," Captain said as he raised his machete.

The beast in the woods bellowed again, this time closer. The man's grip on his weapon tightened, as he swallowed nervously, raising the machete into a defensive position. The bushes rustled all around, and the wind swept motes of dust into the air. The eerie calm that settled around them was unsettling to say the least. Captain's eyes darted to and fro as the shrubs around them shook. Slowly he crouched down, and searched for a stone to throw. He was rewarded soon after.

A flick of the wrist, and the rock flew, landing with a sickening crack, which drew another roar from the manticore. The beast leapt from between the shrubbery, its forehead dampening with a red dot. Another bellow from the monstrosity, and Captain was ducking out of the way of its claws. Unfortunately, the creature's momentum did not end with him, and instead hit Rarity, claws scraped her coat and slammed her into a large tree. The sudden impact to the back of her skull, knocked her unconscious.

"NOOO!" shouted Captain as he attempted to jump on the beast's back. The scorpion tail swung, and caught him in the abdomen. The force of the swing, sent the man flying, knocked his machete from his hand, and left him gasping for air. As Captain glanced around between breaths, he saw the machete driven deep into the bark of a tree, where it smouldered, slowly blackening the wood around it.

Two rows of glistening fangs entered Captain's vision, and a pair of fluorescent green eyes stared into his own. Before the chimera could make a move, Pinkie Pie's party cannon boomed, and drew the attention of the snarling, slavering beast.

"Watch out," cried Fluttershy as she pushed Pinkie out of the way, and took a sting to the flank, just below her cutiemark. The yellow pegasus crumpled into a sobbing heap, as the poison spread through her veins like wildfire.

With a gasp, an azure blur sped towards Fluttershy's side, picked her up, and deposited her next to Twilight. The lavender unicorn began to cast a purging spell to cleanse her friend of the toxin.

"Applejack, see if you can't help me take this bitch down," shouted Captain to the orange mare.

The farm pony charged, and delivered a devastating blow to the creature's ribs, drawing a pained yelp. With a turn, the manticore flung the blonde earth pony into a nearby bush, incapacitating her for the time being. With the monster distracted, Captain drew his hatchet, and charged himself. A moment later, and the beast reared up on its hind legs, catching the human by surprise. The man readied himself, dropped his hatchet, and held back the beast's weight. His arms strained as he struggled to avoid the beast's snapping jaws.

"HEEELP," Captain bellowed as the stink of decay fell upon him.

Answering his call was a cerulean blur rushing up to the manticore, and bucking it in the face. The beast reeled back, blood trickling from its nose, the manticore took a quick revenge by taking the pegasus' wing in its mouth, jerking quickly, and tossing the winged pony into tree.

"DASH!" the man cried.

Before the beast could fall to the ground once more, the man rushed beneath it, and pushed the creature off balance, giving him all of the leverage he needed to knock the monstrosity onto its back, jump on top, and plant his boot firmly on the creature's throat.

"Rainbow, quick toss me the machete."

With a hop, Rainbow Dash was up again, one wing hanging at her side. The azure mare ran towards the smoking tree that held the weapon, and with a soft tug, pulled it free from the delicate ash. Captain, despite the pressure he was placing on the creature's throat, knew he was fighting a losing battle as the beast's thrashing became greater.

"CATCH!" shouted Rainbow as she  flung the weapon through the air. Hilt over blade it went spinning as it flew, just over head. Captain reached as far as he could, and for a split-second, his foot left the manticore's throat. Success, but this had been more than enough time for the beast's thrashing to knock the man off of his balance.

Captain stumbled off of the monster, and saw the beast rushing once more. He raised the blade to the manticore's jaw level, and watched as the creature bit down on the steel. Saliva steamed off and enamel burned, as the fangs blacked, slipping farther into the beast's maw as the man's boots dug into the soft earth.

"Que diçe guey?" [What's up dude?] The man said as a grin spread across his face. "A little help would be awesome," he shouted behind him as the blade slipped a few more centimeters in.

Out of the corner of his eye, an orange spot raced out of the bush, and slid beneath manticore.

"Howdy." Captain heard a grunt followed by a rib shattering crunch.

The beast recoiled, and released the glowing, red-runed blade. Before another blow could be struck, orange and blue raced from either side, and each held a massive paw back before it could hit the ground.

"Do it now Cap."

Captain glanced down, and picked up the hatchet in his free hand. The scorpion tail flailed and thrashed as the beast roared. The man, quickly sidestepped the appendage, raised the machete  high, and drove it into the animal's neck. Unfortunately before the blade could finish its descent, it hit a bone. Quickly, Captain raised his hatchet into the air, and slammed the hammer edge into the back of the machete, driving it deeper into the beast's neck. Again and again the hatchet fell, pushing the machete past the manticore's vertebrae.

Glistening bone and sinew shined in the sunlight before blood began to spill forth onto the beast's coat, staining it a filthy crimson. The monstrosity's jaw hung low, and its eyes rolled freely around its skull. Still Captain did not relent, but instead swung his hatchet again, and saw the lion head fall to the floor with a wet thud. Blood pooled around the severed extremity, drowning it in a sanguine mud.

Finally, the two mares that had been supporting its weight, let the corpse fall into the dirt. The man who had been splashed with the creature's blood, dropped his weapons, and fell to his knees.

"W-we've got to get out of here," he said just above a whisper, exhausted.

With a wobbly step forward, he walked to where Twilight stood, attending the two prone mares. As Captain looked at the two, his vision blurred, and a lump rose in his throat. He kneeled closer to the two and reached out to touch them, feel them, reassure himself that they were still alive. Before he could reach them however, a hoof met his shoulder. Looking behind him, he saw a pair of amethyst eyes shaking slowly from side to side.

"We shouldn't move them yet, they aren't stable."

Tears in his eyes, Captain reached over, embraced the lavender unicorn, and buried his face into her soft coat. If the mare had any objections, then she kept them silent as she slowly patted his back.

"It's all my fault," he said between sobs, "it's all my fault."

"Captain," Twilight said sternly, "this is in no way your fault."

"If I hadn't-" a purple hoof cut him off.

"If you hadn't stopped the manticore, then we would have all been much worse off."

Captain's brown eyes looked into Twilight's amethyst ones. That look was all that he needed to bring a smile back to his face, and stop the tears.

"Thanks Twilight... I needed that."

"Anytime."

"Not to interrupt this feel-good moment, but shouldn't we get moving," called Rainbow.

"She's right, we can't stay here. Let's move," said Twilight.

The lavender unicorn put her horn to the blue pony's injured wing, and focused for a moment before the pegasus' wing flared back to its full length. Now they were ready to depart. Pinkie and Applejack carried the spare bags, as Twilight carefully levitated the two mares. Captain and Rainbow led the way, slashing and surveying their way to a safer clearing. A half-hour later, and the group was in a relatively clear location. A boulder rested at the tree line, and a small stream flowed in the distance.

The two mares carrying the bags, unceremoniously dropped their friends' belongings into the rough middle, and pulled out a snack. Twilight gently placed both of her injured friends onto the grass before sitting down, panting, for a moment. Captain, and Rainbow sat down on opposite sides of Twilight.

"So Twilight," the man started, "any idea where the jewel is now?"

A flare of her horn, and a comical sputter later, the mare was laying on the grass face down.

"Ugh. My magic reserves are too weak right now, I can't do much more than levitation at the moment. But I did feel where the gem was before my magic gave out."

"Really, where?" asked the cerulean mare.

"What do you mean your magic gave out?" Captain asked skeptically.

"I felt it back where we came from. Magical exhaustion is what happens when unicorns use low level spells for an extended period of time, or a bunch of high level spells. My magic will come back on its own soon enough, but I'm going to see if I can't do something about it."

"Come on Cap, let's go get that jewel."

Hesitantly, Captain looked over to Twilight with head hung low.

"She's going to go regardless,  you might as well go to keep an eye on her."

With a resigned sigh, the man got to his feet, and followed the azure pegasus down the trail they had carved out. The path went quickly this time, and Captain noticed that nature had already begun to reclaim the track. The pair slowed, as they heard the low growls of wolves in the distance.

"What's that?" Captain asked.

"Most likely timberwolves."

"And those would be?"

"Kinda like regular wolves, but made out of timber."

Captain, not wanting to press the issue further, let it go. As the two tiptoed closer, the sounds of gnashing teeth, tearing jaws added to the cacophony. The pair now stood behind a bush, and with a cautious peek, looked past the shrub. The man saw as a pack of timberwolves ravenously devoured the carcass of the manticore. A green glint caught Captain's eye as it slid into the gullet of a wolf. Gradually, the beast's eyes turned from amber to green. Its head whipped back, and howled until its brothers joined in its chorus.

Captain looked at Rainbow, and she at him. A nod between the two, and they were racing back down the trail, and back to camp.

theThe Everfree Forest part 2

Captain and four mares stood in a tight circle, as a pack of timber wolves encroached with every passing second.

"What did the two of you do?" asked a fearful Twilight.

"Let's not play the blame game here," Captain said with a nervous smile, "right now, let's just focus on keeping Fluttershy and Rarity safe," he said gesturing towards two unconscious mares in the center of the circle.

"And then?"

"We keep fighting 'til either they're dead or we are," he exclaimed through ragged breaths. "Besides, I think that one of these guys ate the key-thing."

"Would y'all quit talkin' we don't need these damned things to attack early," said Applejack

"Pinkie how many shots do you have left?" asked Captain.

"Half a dozen, with luck," replied Pinkie Pie as her hoof hovered nervously above the plunger.

"Well we better make them count then, huh? How you doing Skittles?"

"Fan-fucking-tastic Captain," Rainbow Dash hissed, "any other stupid questions you feel like asking?"

"Good to see you can keep a sense of humor Skittles," he jabbed as the five kept retreating deeper into their circle. Underfoot he heard the sharp snap of a dry twig, that was all the motivation the wolves needed to lunge.

"Fuck," they cried in unison.

In an instant twisted forms of bark and vine were upon them. Hatchet drawn, Captain slammed the blunt head of the tool into the head of one of the eldritch monstrosities spraying sap and chips of wood in every direction before the rest of the body collapsed in a heap. His victory was brief, as another of the abominations threatened to tear out his jugular.

"They're tenacious fuckers ain't they?" shouted Applejack as she bucked one to splinters.

"Wouldn't be fun otherwise," retorted Rainbow Dash while breaking one's jaw off.

"You think this is fun Rainbow?" asked a bewildered Twilight as she blasted a pair of the beasts against a boulder.

"No, but it'll make one heck of a story to tell the grandfoals someday," the azure mare huffed as she finished the creature off.

"Less talkie more fighty!" shouted Pinkie as her party cannon blasted a wolf to pieces.

A timberwolf stood opposite Captain amid the chaos, barring gnarled wooden fangs as scarlet saliva dripped from it's maw. A pair of glowing green eyes cut across the battlefield as Captain dropped his hatchet, and pulled out the machete to deliver the next blow. What passed for muscles under the beast's bark skin tensed as it's hide shifted in place. Captain blinked, the wooden horror tore its way to the human, four pine paws tearing the dirt out from under them.

Before his mind could fully comprehend what had happened, his machete was lifted in a defensive stance. However instead of the satisfying crunch of wood on metal all that he could feel was a sharp pain in his left shoulder. Captain looked over, his shirt had torn free and bloody, stripped flesh now took it's place.

"AAAAA!" he cried as he held his bloody shoulder in a vain attempt to stanch the bleeding. *BOOM* roared Pinkie's cannon as it blasted away another of the creatures. Splinters flew all around him as more and more of the demons were dealt with. Slowly he looked up to see the knotted fangs of the timber wolf mere inches away from the unconscious forms of both Fluttershy and Rarity. Ignoring the pain in his shoulder, Captain picked up the machete and ran towards the eldritch horror. Each movement was torture as more and more blood dripped down his arm. He could see the stinking miasma dripping from the timberwolf's gullet gently caressing Rarity's cheek. Adrenaline pumped harder, and his muscles tensed. In one fluid motion, Captain brought the machete up, flipped the blade so the it pointed at the head of the timberwolf, and plunged the weapon deep into the wolf's body, next to its spinal column. The steel kept going until it exited the other side, and plunged deep into the earth, pining the wolf, legs splayed. Placing a hand on each leg, Captain put his heel to the handle of the machete, and pulled. Organs separated, and bones gave way beneath the force exerted, the man didn't stop pulling until the head of the beast lay in two pieces.

Captain chuckled sadisticly as he looked around, the mares had dealt with the rest of the pack, and Twilight was trotting over to him.

"Captain you're hurt," she said with visible strain in her voice. It was at this time that the man noticed drops of blood slowly dripping from the tips of his fingers, and onto the grass.

"So are you Twilight," he said as he pointed to a set of sanguine gashes along her back, slowly bleeding down her ribcage.

"Come on, I'm okay. You're bleeding, heavily. We need to get you to a hospital," she replied sternly.

"Why don't you take care of everyone else, I'll be okay for now. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if someone died on account of me. Besides I've already had my tetanus shot," he replied with a plaster smile.

"Alright, but at least let me bind your wound."

"Sure." Twilight levitated a small kit from the bags nestled in between Fluttershy and Rarity.

"Yeesh, that's gonna leave a nasty scar," said Rainbow Dash, who had several bite marks along her wings, and forelegs.

"You mean my free tattoo?" retorted Captain. "How's everyone else doing?"

"Fluttershy and Rarity are okay, AJ's got some scrapes along her back and hind legs. As for Pinkie she ran outta ammo just as we finished the wolves off, unfortunately, one slashed her leg, nothing serious. It actually looks like you got the worst of it."

"That's good," the man said as he leaned against the boulder.

"Not good Captain," said Twilight as she examined the wound, "you've got splinters in there deep."

"So, just pull 'em out."

"It's going to hurt, a lot."

"Do it," he said sternly as he placed the handle of his hatchet in his mouth and bit down.

"I'll try to get them all out at the same time."

Twilight's purple aura surrounded Captain's shoulder, and an instant later Captain's canines bit deep into the wooden handle of the hatchet.

"There, I think I got all of them."

Captain only responded with a whimper. Before Twilight could begin dabbing a cotton ball with alcohol, Captain grabbed the bottle and poured it on the open wound. For a second he only felt the cooling relief of water, as the alcohol washed away some of the blood which was already begining to dry. That was easily forgotten in the wave of burning that followed, as his blood mixed with the alcohol and splashed against the ground. By now an indentation of Captain's teeth was easily visible on the handle of the tool. Twilight then lifted some cotton pads out of the first-aid kit, and firmly pressed them against the lacerations on Captain's shoulder. Gently she surrounded the injury in gauze, and then bandaged it tightly in place.

"I treated the laceration as best I could, so as long as you don't move around too much, you should be good," she said.

"Come on, let's find the damned jewel so we can go back to the ship. I really don't feel like being attacked by some crazy-ass chicken lizard monster thing," he said as he walked over to the two unconscious mares lying on top of the party's bags. Pulling out his drawstring bag, he fished around a bit before pulling out his old, brown shirt, and changing

"We need to find the key, and quick. Unfortunately that means that we'll have to poke through all of these bodies."

"Alright but first... lets...," Captain trailed off, as a small pile of twigs began to glow, and float away.

Before their very eyes the fallen corpses of the wolves began to reassemble themselves into a single structure. Bits and pieces floated into place with startling precision, and soon enough a distinct skeleton began to take shape.

Vines snaked together, forming organs, and muscle, as empty eye sockets flared with glowing green embers. Jagged broken fangs erupted from the roof of the amalgamation's mouth, as a pair of logs formed its lower jaw.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?" shouted Captain.

"Oh no," cringed Twilight, "that's a goliath timberwolf."

The man stood on a pair of uneasy legs, threw his weapons deep into the loamy soil, and shouted up to the half-formed beast. "FUCK IT, I QUIT!"

"What!?" asked a bewildered Twilight.

"I quit I'm not gonna fight that thing. It's fucking huge. One of its legs is probably bigger than I am."

"Please Captain, we need your help," Twilight said behind a pair of tear filled eyes. "If you quit now, then nopony's going to be able to go home, not even you." The mare finished with a hint of fury.

"I can't believe that I'm actually going to fight a giant friggin' wood-monster thing," he mumbled. "Fine if I'm going to fight that thing I'm going to need a super soaker, some gasoline, a lighter, and an ass-load of tape."

"I got the super soaker," yelled out Pinkie as she pulled a water gun out from behind her.

"Do I even want to know where you were keeping that thing?" asked the man.

"I'll tell ya if you want," the pink mare replied as she pointed her rump in his general direction.

"On second thought, I really don't want to know."

"What," she asked as she reached a hoof into her tail, "my tail's got a lot of storage space."

"Ooookay. Now back to the task at hand," stated Captain loudly.

"Hoof," offered Pinkie.

"Hoof?"

"Yeah, task at hoof."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"WOULD YOU TWO QUIT DICKING AROUND," shouted Rainbow Dash, "THERE'S A GIANT ASS TREE-WOLF MONSTER THING REGENERATING LITERALLY NOT TEN FUCKING FEET FROM WHERE YOU'RE STANDING, AND YOU'RE ARGUING SEMANTICS."

"You're right Rainbow; Pinkie I don't suppose you have any gasoline stashed in your ass-fro do you?"

"That Cappy, I cannot say I have."

"Alright we'll have to improvise then. Twilight, how much alcohol do we have left?"

"About one and a half bottles."

"Great toss 'em both at me. Rainbow Dash, I'm going to need you to keep big birch over there occupied while I douse it in alcohol," he said as he poured the bottles of alcohol into the container.

"Got it," replied the mare.

"Pinkie, AJ I'm going to need you two to carry Fluttershy and Rarity to safety in case this dumb ass idea of mine doesn't work, leave the bags, they'll only slow you down. Oh, and AJ," Captain said as he pulled the machete from the dirt, "take this, you're going to need it more than we are."

"You betcha."

"You got it partner."

"Twilight what's the most powerful flame spell you have?"

"I can do a pretty advanced fire blast, but it's going to take a while to charge."

"Start it up now so it'll be ready by the time we're done with all of this crazy shit," he said as he emptied the bottles of alcohol into the squirt gun, and screwed the cap on.

"Okay."

"Alright, let's show this fucker why humans are at the top of the food chain," he said as he cocked the super soaker a few times.

An unearthly howl signaled that the goliath timberwolf had finished reforming, and was now preparing for a counter attack. With that the five set off to their respective positions. Twilight ducked behind a rock, and began to charge the fire spell. Captain, and Rainbow set off to soak the beast with alcohol. Pinkie and AJ carried the two unconscious mares to safety.

Rainbow struck first, leading with a quick blow to the side of the eldritch abomination's face. Captain followed her lead by soaking the beast's underbelly with alcohol. The powder blue mare tried repeating the tactic, but the timberwolf proved smarter than anticipated and swiped Dash out of the air with a massive wooden paw which knocked her into the trunk of a massive tree.

"Rainbow, you okay?"

"Nothing that's gonna keep me down Cap, keep shooting."

Captain jumped and dived to avoid the amalgamation's snapping jaws, and swiping paws all while pumping the alcohol at every inch he could hit.

"Twilight, you done with that spell yet?" he asked as a puff of air escaped the nozzle. "I'm out of alcohol."

"I need another minute at most," replied Twilight as beads of sweat rolled down her face.

"Dash, you up yet?" shouted Captain.

"Ready and waiting."

"Alright you circle around the thing, I'm going to try and draw its attention from here," the man said as he pulled out his hatchet, and avoided a swipe of the wolf's claws.

With a chromatic streak, the blue pegasus swerved around gnashing teeth, and flailing claws to reach the beast's hindquarters, where she delivered a wood splintering kick. A miserable yelp, and the smell of pine assured her that the damage had been great.

Faster than the eye could follow, an oaken head swung around to face Rainbow Dash. Rainbow's blood turned to ice, and her heart thundered in her chest as she stared down two rows of dripping teeth, while the beast's acrid breath slipped from its maw in translucent green tendrils.

"Over here you stupid wooden motherfucker!" shouted Captain as his hatchet flew through the air, and planted itself deep in the base of the timberwolf's skull.

The wooden behemoth spun, and faced Captain with a jagged smile gracing its lips. As quick as death, its massive jaws swallowed the man and a chunk of dirt beneath him whole.

"No! Captain!" shrieked Rainbow. Twilight said nothing but allowed a tear to fall from the corner of her eye as her horn kept charging.

Deep growls from the pit of beast's gullet reminded Rainbow of the danger at hoof. Now however she didn't care, she flew up the monster's spine, and to the back of its head where Captain's hatchet had buried itself. With a swift jerk, the iron head splintered the knot it had been lodged in which in turn drew a pathetic yelp from the beast. With the handle of the tool held firmly in her fetlock, Rainbow began to hammer blows onto the timberwolf's brow.

"YOU KILLED HIM. YOU STUPID. UGLY. MOTHER. FUCKING. PIECE. OF. FIREWOOD." She punctuated each syllable with a blow to the head. "HE WAS JUST TRYING TO GO HOME. AND YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM." Her screams degenerated into choked sobs as hot salty tears spilled down her face, and shook with every fall of the hatchet. Her final strike, nestled the bladed end deep in the goliath's forehead.

Although she had fought well, and caused good damage to the beast, the cracks in its head were already filling in with amber sap. Soon, saliva dripping fangs reared once more, and a sickly green tongue flopped out. The beast had begun to sway, and heave as it attempted to retch violently. Slowly Rainbow saw its jaws separate as a familiar voice began to shout obscenities.

"You wanna eat me bitch, well I got a news flash for you. I'm a FUCKING jaw breaker, and it's going to take more than a pile of termite infested toilet paper to kill me!" Captain bellowed as he climbed out of the wolf's throat, and into its mouth. Slowly cracks, and snaps filled the air as Captain pushed the jaws of the timberwolf away from one another. The tense seconds creeped by until finally a sharp snap broke the oaken monstrosity's jaw.

Captain panted heavily as he tumbled out of the creature's mouth, and landed with a thud on the ground. Captain's right hand held onto his bleeding shoulder. Except for the blood, and shirt soaked in wolf drool he looked no worse for the wear. The timberwolf panted heavily as its jaw hung languidly in place.

"Captain, Rainbow out of the way the spell's ready!" shouted Twilight as she stepped out from behind the rock she was hiding behind, and lowered herself into position.

Both the human, and the pegasus ducked out of the way before a blue ball of fire shot from Twilight's horn. The timberwolf turned to look at the lavender unicorn, the sapphire inferno rocketed down the beast's throat with a faint sizzle. Slowly tongues of flame licked up from the monster's throat, and its alcohol soaked hide went up in a sudden FWOMP. The beast flailed and thrashed as pockets of sap exploded beneath its bark hide. The wolf's jaw snapped back into place, and it gave a mighty howl. Now sheathed in flame, the beast searched for its prey. Orange tongues of fire licked at its blackening hide, as the goliath's head whipped around.

"Nopony make a sound," said Twilight as beads of sweat rolled down her face.

"But-"

"Shhhh."

Smoke and ash were carried on the breeze as the wolf burned in the distance, its face completely obscured by the inferno consuming its body. Slowly, Captain's nose began to itch, as the airborne particles drifted past his face. As the man's countenance contorted and he began to inhale sharply, a blue wing met his nose, and stopped his sneeze before it happened. Unfortunately, that didn't stop the lavender unicorn from alerting the beast to their presence. The beast, now with their location, tore after them, leaving flaming pawprints in its wake.

"SCATTER," shouted Rainbow.

With no more encouragement, the three split. The azure mare took to the skies, the man sprinted off to the right, and the unicorn galloped to the left as quickly as her hooves would take her. The trio fled as fast as they could and unfortunately one had to have been chased, Twilight took that honor.

"HEEEEEEELP!" shrieked the mare as the timberwolf closed the gap.

Planting his foot, Captain spun, and saw the flaming beast inhale deeply. When it exhaled, a torrent of flame erupted from its maw, burning everything in its path, thankfully however its aim was poor, striking only a few treew in front of Twilight, and scorching a few hairs on the unicorn's mane. Rainbow Dash swept down, and snatched the lavender pony out from the encroaching jaws of the goliath.

"Ugh... Twilight you've got to lose some weight," the Azure mare grunted as she hefted the unicorn into the air. "Hey Cap, a little help here."

"Yeah quit yelling," he said sarcastically as he ran to the boulder. "Rainbow lead him over here."

Dash swerved, keeping in the beast's sights, leading the flaming monster to the man. Rainbow strained as the weight of her friend drew greatly on her forelegs. Her wings flapping harder, and gained a few feet of height. Faster and faster the airborne pair raced to the rock, their only salvation. Just as the boulder passed beneath her gaze, Rainbow allowed exhaustion to take her, and the two tumbled past into the grass.

"HEY UGLY," Captain bellowed, "WANNA PIECE OF THIS SWEET MEAT, YOU GOTTA EARN IT!"

The flaming timberwolf barreled towards Captain. The man felt his muscles tense, and adrenaline pump through his veins. The beast took another great breath, and the sailor could see flame growing in the back of its throat. Before the fire could exit the wolf's mouth, Captain ducked out of the way. The inferno broke against the stone, blackened the boulder and charring the ground beneath it. A great crack filled the air, followed by a yelp.

As Captain stood, and felt a few burnt hairs on the back of his head, he could see the prone form of the goliath laying on the ground. Tongues of flame occasionally poked out from beneath its ribs, as its chest heaved slowly. Twilight and Rainbow crept out from behind the rock, and saw the wolf dying, slowly. Eventually, the life fled from its eyes, and its ribcage fell for one final time, it collapsed into a pile of burning wood.

The three stood there, bathed in orange light as their shadows danced in the dying fire. Carefully, the trio stamped out any stray embers. An hour later, and the last of the flames had died, leaving only piles of gray ash.

"Come on you two," Twilight said as she took a stick in her mouth, and pushed a small pile of soot away.

"Why aren't you using magic to clear the way, and why not use the locator spell some more?" asked Dash.

"My magic's drained, and besides the locator spell only works to about ten feet or so. We just have to keep poking around until we find it.

Slowly the other two grabbed a stick, and began poking around in the piles of ash. Captain heard a soft *clink* at the other end of his stick. Immediately he fell upon the source, and dug out the warm cinders. There he saw it, the iron head of his hatchet covered in soot with the handle reduced to charcoal.

"Well... shit," Captain exclaimed as he carefully pushed the still hot handle into the dirt.

"S-sorry Cap. I got sort of carried away," explained Rainbow nervously, "and left it lodged in the timberwolf's head."

"Don't worry about it," he said with a dismissive wave of his hand, "these things break all the time. The only problem's going to be finding a replacement."

"Hey guys quick," shouted Twilight, "I think I found the key."

Sure enough, when Captain and Rainbow walked over, there sitting among the dying embers, was a brilliant green, square-cut jewel. Grabbing a stick, the man flicked the jewel onto the grass, and picked up the stone. For a moment he held it in his grasp before the searing pain shot up his hand, and he dropped the emerald.

"Well I think I just got a little less stupid," Captain stated as he shook his hand furiously.

"Well that's what happens when you pull red hot rocks out of fires," the rainbow mare giggled from behind.

"I think I'll go water the plants real quick. Be back in a bit."

"Why are you going to water plants in the middle of the forest?" questioned Twilight.

"No, I mean I'm going to go take a piss."

"Gross," the mares responded in unison.

Captain kicked the head of his hatchet over to a bush, and proceeded to irrigate the shrubbery. A satisfied sigh escaped, as gentle sizzling and steam rose from the hot iron. Looking at the now cooled metal, the man kicked it into the sun to dry a bit before heading to the other two.

"So Twilight do you know where to go after this?" asked a raspy voice from behind a tree accompanied by a barely audible hiss.

"The other jewels are going to take me a bit longer to pinpoint, but they don't appear to be anywhere near Ponyville," replied Twilight. "I think it would be best if we went back home, and rested for a few days."

The azure mare stepped out from behind the tree, kicking out the emerald with her. Rainbow and Captain simply nodded in agreement, walked over to the scattered saddlebags, and picked up what they could.

With resigned sighs, the three located the path carved by Applejack and Pinkie Pie. The burnt stumps of branches and vines led the group back to the airship, and their friends.

"Ahoy," called Hemlock from the ship as she dropped the rope ladder.

One by one, the group climbed up the ladder, first Rainbow then Twilight,  and finally Captain. The man was having trouble due to his injured shoulder. Slowly, rung by rung, Captain ascended. After a while of avoiding looking at a purple flank, the man flopped onto the deck of the ship.

"Raise anchor, and shove off Hemlock," as his hand ran over his shoulder, "and make sure, that there's a hospital nearby."

"Um... sir, the word has been to obey miss Sparkle. Not you."

"Ah. Give the order number two."

"Uh... shove off, and uh raise anchor, me matey," Twilight said sheepishly.

"At once miss, and our heading?"

The purple mare looked at Captain, who only shrugged, and winced.

"Ponyville please." With a salute Hemlock was off. "Oh, before you go, could you tell us where everypony else is?"

"Everypony else is currently resting in their rooms, I believe that Spike was looking for you as well. He is currently in the observation deck."

Twilight turned to Captain, and Rainbow.

"You two go on a head, I'm going to go talk to Spike, I'll see you later."

"I think, I'll go hit the hay, all of this running, and blood loss has me feeling a bit *yawn* sleepy."

With that, the man and the azure mare departed.

"Why hit the hay, wouldn't you rather eat it?" asked Dash.

more jokes I can't find a place for.

More jokes I can't find a place for

Captain sat in the town square lounging under a shady tree during a warm spring day; occasionally he caught stray glances from passersby. For the most part though everyone seemed friendly enough. That is until a blond maned, gray pegasus crashed into a nearby tree. The man jumped to assist the fallen pony, only to see the mare already up by the time he arrived.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Hey you're that guy that's staying at the library right?"

"Yes I am, they call me Captain" he said a bit smugly, "may I ask your name?"

"My name's Ditzy Doo, but most folks just call me Derpy."

"Its good to meet you Ditzy, I'm kind of surprised that more people aren't freaking out about me being here. After all I'm some crazy alien monster from another dimension."

"Oh Captain you give yourself far too much credit."

"Say what now?"

"Trust me you're not even close to being the weirdest thing that this town's ever seen."

"Come on!" he whined, "I've at least got to be pretty high up on the weird-shit-o-meter, right?"

"Nope not even close. If I had to put you on a scale I'd have to say, about a four and a half maybe five."

"I'm a hairless gorilla from another dimension that's constantly shouting obscenities, and threatening to murder people."

"Well in that case, I would have to bump you up to a six," she said jokingly.

"Then what has this place seen that is crazier than me?"

"Well a few years ago and ancient princess that had been trapped on the moon for a thousand years reappeared, and incited the first use of the Elements of Harmony in just as long."

"Well agreed that is pretty weird, bu-"

"Shh I wasn't finished yet," she said, "then there was the time when a dragon threatened to cover to cover the entire country in a haze of smog for one hundred years. Not to mention that there's a mare here that can accurately predict the immediate future accurately. Also there's this other one that can break the sound barrier on a regular basis, as well as one of the most powerful spell casters of this time."

"Yeah well I can... ah fuck it I don't know keep going."

"About a year ago there was this insane chaos monster that could bend reality to his will, who was later re-encased into his stony prison not a day later. A purple dragon attacked the town this one time, and kept stealing everything it could get its claws on. We've got apples that sprout at random times of year for seemingly no reason. A pair of brothers built a magical contraption that could do the work of four ponies. A mare led a giant three headed dog back to the gates of the underworld, returned, and then traveled back in time to warn herself about something. Two earth ponies are now the parents of twin foals, one is a pegasus the other a unicorn, and before you ask yes they are the biological parents a paternity test proved it. Also there was this army of love sucking bug monsters that invaded the capitol, kidnapped a princess, took her place, beat Celestia, and nearly married the captain of the royal guard."

Captain now felt a bit inept.

"I've heard stories about a giant shadow monster that almost took over the north, and re-enslaved an entire race of ponies. Also there are rumors floating around that Princess Celestia is planning or releasing the god-like chaos monster that was imprisoned, and trying to reform him so that she can use his powers for good."

"... ... ... yeah. I think I'm going to go take a nap now."

"I'm also going out with a time traveling superhero."

The moon was high in the sky, a few scant clouds drifted lazily in the cool evening breeze. The moon's pale light illuminated all save for a small campfire along the shores of the Ponyville lake. Eleven figures sat around the fagot, six mares, three fillies, a dragon, and a human. They sat in a circle, each clutching a stick with a skewered marshmallow.

"... the man thrashed about, as a blinding pain shot up his spine," Captain spoke darkly as it was his turn to tell a scary story. "In his thrashing, the man shook violently causing a lamp in the corner to fall, scattering glass all around and the filament died in the darkness. Thump... thump... thump. The only sounds he could hear were the beatings of his own heart. A cold sweat poured down his back, and his thoughts raced across the horrific situation he now found himself in.

Moonlight flittered in through the window as the clock in the living room struck twice. His heart skipped when a crack rang out in the silence. Reluctantly his voice cracked, barely above a whisper, 'h-hello?' He received no answer. With trembling hands he reached  deeply into his pockets, and fumbled with the contents. The sweat coating his hands made the simple task difficult as his prize eluded him repeatedly. After an eternity of trying, and out came a weathered aluminum flashlight. His fat,  clumsy fingers fumbled with the button, but the amber beam sparked to life.

He swept the light from side to side illuminating the slick tile. The immaculate surface reflected the light back at him, reminding him of how lonely he really was. He brought the beam to rest across the counter, and there his blood turned to ice at what he saw, or more precisely what he didn't see.

All to be found in the darkness was almost too horrifying to contemplate as his mind raced and his heart pounded, bile rose in his throat and a trembling took hold of his legs. What met his eyes was none other than... an empty roll of toilet paper."

"Wait what!?" demanded Scootaloo, "that was the least scary story I've ever heard."

"You'll be singing a different tune when you get the runs at two in the morning only to find an empty roll of toilet paper your sole companion."

Down Time

The airship dropped anchor just outside of Ponyville's hospital. Neither Captain nor Rainbow rested during the trip to the medical center, the two of them just looked out of the window chatting idly about the weather, or whatever else caught the pair's attention.

"So then fwoosh, I dived down and caught Rarity, and three of the Wonderbolts just before they hit the ground," said Rainbow Dash smugly as the two sat opposite one another.

"I still call bullshit, there's no way you could fly fast enough to break the sound barrier, let alone cause a magical rainbow explosion."

"I guess I'll just have to show you some time. Anyways, it look like were here."

"Come on lets go get checked in so that we can leave," Captain said as he held onto his shoulder.

The man lay strapped to a gurney, thrashing about, attempting to free himself from the restraints that bound him.

"Calm down Captain," said Twilight softly, "it'll all be over soon."

"I swear to God I'm gonna-" *hmph*

  "Please... uh sir, if you had just sat still, we wouldn't have had to strap you down for the x-ray," said a white earth pony mare, with a red cross cutiemark and a light pink mane, as she placed a rubber stopper into his mouth.

"Come on Cap, just sit still for a few minutes."

Giving a resigned snort, the man went limp. Quickly, the two mares ducked behind a lead screen, and a large metallic camera swung out, positioning itself just above Captain's chest. A slow cycling began to build within the machine's casing followed by a small click. Another, and another. The clicks continued until the contraption passed across his feet.

"Aaand done," said the white mare from behind the screen.

"See Captain, that wasn't so bad."

Captain, who was now struggling against his restraints, grunted angrily in response, before Twilight tugged the stopper from his mouth with her magic.

"Now get these damned things off of me before I gnaw my own writs off."

The earth pony undid the straps, which left red marks on the man's writs. As soon as he was free, Captain hopped off of the gurney, and headed for the door.

"The x-rays should be ready in about a day miss," the white mare said to Twilight before the unicorn caught up with the man.

"Come on, lets go check up on everyone else," Captain said as he stifled a yawn.

The man and mare walked side by side, peering into identical rooms, looking for their friends. Wandering around the bleached halls, sparsely decorated with the odd butterfly or woodland creature which failed to relieve the sense of dread the hospital gave off.

"Ugh this stuff's one step above prison food," said a raspy voice in the distance.

"Rainbow," the pair said in unison before heading in the direction of the complaint.

A twist a turn, and a few complaints later, the duo found themselves standing before Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie, sitting in the cafeteria, each with a tray of wobbly, mushy stuff.

"The hell is that?" asked Captain.

"Food, I think," Pinkie said as she prodded the gelatinous mass with a bandaged hoof.

All of them, in fact, had been covered in bandages. Pinkie had a thick layer around her injured leg, Applejack had srveral small bandages along her hind legs and back, and Rainbow had her wings wrapped in gauze. Twilight too had a few cotton pads held firmly in place across her back, and even Captain had had his bindings changed.

"You want some?" asked the pink mare enthusiastically.

The man grimaced, but took the blob in his hand, gave it an experimental lick, and found that it was indeed food. Maybe.

"So uh, where's Rarity and Fluttershy?" Captain asked the group.

"Ah think they're still sleepin'," replied AJ, "we kin go check up on 'em if ya want."

"Let's wait until they wake up, then we can give them the bad news."

An hour, and several piles of food later, a nurse informed the group that Rarity appeared to be waking up. The five of them raced up stairs, Pinkie and Rainbow jostling for first place. Just as a pink hoof neared the door to tap on the wooden surface, an ear-splitting shriek rang out. Pinkie threw the door open, and began to growl at the unforseen threat.

"Rarity, what's wrong?" shouted Rainbow.

"My-my-my," was all that the white mare could stutter as she looked at her abdomen.

As the group approached, Rarity finally took note of them, and pulled the crisp, white sheets up over her head, and buried her face into her pillow.

"Don't look at me, I'm hideous," she wailled as she sniffed repeatedly.

"Rar-"

"Ple-"

"Sto-"

"Jus-"

Everyone who tried to speak, got cut off by Rarity's ever escalating wails of pain. This continued until Captain stepped up to the bed, grabbed the sheets above the mare's head, and with a swift yank, pulled them free of her vice-like grip. The man looked into the pony's eyes, and flicked her in the forehead with a finger.

"Ow, what was that for?" she asked, visibly hurt.

"Stop," he said sternly, "I have plenty of experience with these things, and I can assure you that you are going to be fine. Look," the man said as he thrusted his forearm in front of her muzzle. There Rarity saw dozens of tiny scratches littering his arm, and a few larger ones centered around his hand. "These look fairly shallow," Captain pointed at the bright red lines on her stomach, "with any luck they'll fade with time, or hell you guys might already have some sort of crazy scar removal magic thing. Quit worrying about it so much, I've gotten worse, on my way to work."

"But look at me, I won't be able to show my face around Ponyville without being gawked at."

"Well this seems like an excellent opportunity to promote your boutique by wearing outfits more often." Pointed out Twilight.

"Hm, well I suppose I could on some slightly less revealing clothing. Oh perhaps I could make a clothing line especially for ponies who would like to divert attention from certain areas." Rarity continued pondering as she floated a stick of charcoal and a sketch pad to herself, and began to furiously scribble on the paper. "Now all of you shoo, the creative process takes time." With that, her visitors departed.

An hour of wandering later, Captain took his leave, and left the mares to chat in the hospital's courtyard. A few minutes later, and the man was standing in his room, immaculate and sterile, plain white sheets laying crisply on the bed. With a resigned sigh and a yawn, the sailor slipped beneath the sheets, and into a deep sleep.

Captain sat on a blanket, under the shade of a gnarled old tree, with a small ice chest at his side, as he watched the world pass by. Birds chirped softly in the distance, and a brisk breeze blew past. On the horizon, moutains scrapped the sky, and broke fat, rain filled clouds. A small concrete village made its home between the peaks.

"A happy locale is see," Luna said as she stepped out from behind a tree.

"Believe it or not, this is the place where my dad grew up. Still kind of a prick though," Captain replied with a chuckle. "Coke?" he asked as he stuck his hand into the ice chest.

"What is it?" The lunar princess acked hesitantly.

"A soft drink, don't worry it won't bite, unless you want it to of course."

"I'd prefer it didn't." The man tossed her a plastic bottle, filled with a bubbling brown liquid, and sporting a bright red lable.

"How's life?" the man asked as he opened his own bottle, and took a swig.

"If you mean the current state of affairs across the whole of Equestria, then the situation is poor," Luna said as she struggled with the bottlecap. "If you were wondering about me in particular, then the outlook is even worse."

"Why is that?" Captain asked as he took another draft.

"Between having to calm everypony who knows about the storm, and then helping them face their nightmares, there is only so much one mare can do even if she is a princess, and my guards can only do so much in quelling the nightmares spawned from negative emotions of the populace." The princess of the night grunted as she attempted to bite the cap of the bottle. "I fear that if this keeps up, we may have another 'incident'."

"But that's not going to happen because..."

"Because," the mare began as she thrust the bottle back at the man, "this time around, I have friends around to help me deal with these things. So fear not about having to do battle with Nightmare Moon."

"It's a twist top," Captain mumbled softly as he handed the bottle back to Luna. "Well that's good, I don't think I'd be able to live through that fight."

"Now tell me, have you made any progress in your quest for the jewel?" the princess asked as she took a drink, and smiled pleasantly.

"About that," the man said as he rubbed the back of his head, "we're sort of, maybe, kind of in the hospital," he finished quickly.

The lunar princess choked on the soda in her mouth, as she tried her best to avoid spitting it back out. A few coughing gasps later, and she was good again.

"What happened exactly?" she asked slowly.

*CREAK*

"What the hell was that?" Captain asked.

"A door, most likely. I do wish to hear this tale, would you consent to me casting a sleep spell on you."

"I don't know, me and magic aren't exactly best friends here," the man looked onto the eyes of the lunar princess, now watering at the edges, "how can I say no to that face. Alright, hit me with your best shot."

Luna flared her horn, and a thin strand of magic wormed its way into Captain's head, after which he felt his body go a bit numb, and the outside sounds stop.

"So anyways, timberwolves."

"Please explain from the beginning."

(One explination later.)

"... and then I decided to take a nap."

"So everypony else is also in the hospital?" the princess asked, worry thick in her voice.

"Yeah, but I think that they're okay... mostly, Fluttershy hasn't woken up yet. I'm worried about her."

"Worry not, the venom of a manticore is designed for maximum effectiveness against timberwolves, so I believe that Fluttershy will make a full recovery."

"That's good. Have you heard any news about the gun situation?"

"I have not, but I have noticed a few extra researchers hanging around the castle grounds, as well as a few blacksmiths. Whenever I ask Celestia about it, she always gives me a half-answer, deflects, or ignores me completly, but I shall keep trying."

"We really need to get this taken care of, and quick. I'd hate to see what all that shit could do here."

"As do I."

"Any who, how long's this sleep spell supposed to last?"

"A few hours at most, if you wish to speed things up then I suggest that you sleep in this world as well. That always works."

"I'll catch you later then," Captain said with a yawn as he laid down on the blanket.

"I shall take my leave then, and do not worry, I am sure that Celestia will come to her senses in due time."

"That's what I'm worried about," the man mumbled imperceptibly as the princess took her leave.

Captain awoke to a dull throb in his cheek.

"Don't poke me with that you pervert," he said sleepily, as he  swatted the object of his discomfort.

"He's awake!" Came a shrill shriek from beside him.

"Huh wha?" Was all he managed before a chorus of voices joined in.

"Thank Celestia you're awake," cried Twilight.

"God damn, can't a guy take a nap in peace without everybody losing it?"

"Dude, you've been out for a week. We've all been worried sick about you," said Rainbow quickly.

"What? No I took a nap this afternoon, you all are just fucking with me, aren't you?" Captain said skeptically.

"No, tis true. It appears the spell that I had cast on you in your dream had some unfortunate side effects," Luna explained morosely, "I am sorry, please forgive me. I believed that the magic, minor as it was, would simply lull you into a deep sleep, but not this deep."

"Its cool, I needed my beauty sleep," the man said with a chuckle, "but let's not try that again shall we."

As Captain looked around, he saw Luna, Twilight, Rainbow, and even Nightshade, all standing around him, watching him sleep. As the man stood he felt a sudden stirring in his loins as the urge to relieve himself took hold, furiously.

"Now if you all will excuse me, I have to piss like a racehorse." A hop up, and he was racing on his way to the bathroom.

"What does that saying mean?" Luna inquired.

"Human slang, I wouldn't worry too much about it," replied Twilight before turnig to the door,  "now let's go, apparently humans are modest."

As Captain stood in the bathroom, he noticed that the wound he had gotten from the wolf was mostly gone, and it no longer caused him discomfort. A half-hour, a shower, and several cracked joints later, and he was outside, looking for the rest of his party. A short walk to the cafeteria prooved fruitful as most everyone was there, sitting at a table, a pile of food sitting in the middle, untouched.

"Hey look, what's his face is back," shouted Nightshade from behind Luna.

"So what's the game plan?" Captain asked as he waltzed up to the table and took a seat.

"The plan is to find the rest of these keys," Twilight said as she levitated the ancient tome, which now held the emerald.

"Any idea where it is?"

"Actually, yes. While you were takin a nap, I managed to track down the approximate location of the next jewel." A scroll enveloped in lavender magic unfurled itself on the table. "Here," Twilight said with a hoof on the map, "is about where the next key should be."

"Should be?" Captain asked skeptically.

"Yes, the locator spell is only so accurate, which means that even this close was a lot of work. Don't worry though, the closer we get, the more I'll be able to pinpoint its location."

"Seems simple enough," the man said as he slid his hand across the map. "So, it looks like our next destination is... Horseshoe Bay."

first impressions

(ambiance)

The emerald clad sailor lay there as he opened one bleary eye. He laid on the floor as the scents of chemicals filled his senses. The rain had stopped and light whispers could be heard in the distance. Slowly he opened the his other eye only to have his vision remain clouded. For a second he panicked as he was nearly blind without his glasses. Slowly he ran his hands across the hard stone floor careful not to accidentally break the delicate copper frames. CRUNCH. His heart dropped into his stomach and his breath grew short as his hands met a shard of broken glass.

Before he could mourn though, his eyes caught a glint of copper in the moonlight. "Gracias a Dios." [Thank God] A brief inspection later and the glasses were firmly affixed to his face by the attached strap. He could now see around the dim room, and saw chemical beakers, softly beeping machines, and piles upon piles of crumpled papers. As far across as the shadowy murk would allow he could see books, roots, and small glass baubles glinting in the low light .

A creak at the top of the stairs returned his attention to the question of his survival. He decided to pretend to be sleep for the time being. With a hand upon his chest, abdomen rising and falling; an eye half closed he fell into the guise of sleep. The door, to what he assumed was the basement, now opened with an awful moan and a small sliver of artificial light cut through his tenebrous cell.

At the gateway into the darkness stood the strange purple horse, he could hear each hoof hit the step below and the echoes spread into the nothingness around. His heart raced, a cold sweat poured down his back. All of his composure was barely enough to keep him from fighting for his life. It had reached the bottom of the stairs and now its hoofsteps were radiating from cold stone upon which he lay.

The lavender beast had reached his position and now he could feel its hot, moist breath against his face. His half closed eye was all that was telling him this animals composition. Now he saw it a bit better for what it was, a unicorn, indeed it did have a horn atop its head slightly covered by a deep purple mane cut in half by a pink stripe. He heard it mumble something incomprehensible under its breath, and he saw that its horn was now emanating a soft pink glow. He wasn't about to have it knock him out again.

The hand resting on his chest shot out and grasped the unicorns horn in his mighty grip. "Dime caballo donde estoy."[Tell me horse where am I] His voice boomed with authority, but also quavered with fear and uncertainty. No response. "Dime,"[Tell me] his voice now grew in volume as did his anger. His grip tightened, and threatened to crush the poor unicorns horn to dust. Ever so slowly he began to angle his hand upward taking the animals horn with it. Only now did he he receive his answer, pained whimpers from the purple horse. He looked down into its eyes and could see tears pouring from its eyes.

His face grew pale at the pain he was causing the poor creature, and quickly released the unicorns horn. "P-Perdóname por favor."[P-Please forgive me] Only now did he finally notice he was wearing a sadistic grin across his face. He could feel tears poking at the edge of his vision, but he blinked them back. Slowly he raised his hand to try and soothe the suffering animal. But it all went dark.

Twilight Sparkle had just pulled herself out of bed in the middle of the night. The first thing she noted was Spike still asleep in his basket despite all the napping he had done during the day. She heard it... nothing the light pattering of rain on her barrier had stopped and she could see the silver moon part the remaining clouds past her protection spell. After dropping her spell she carefully trotted down stairs to the kitchen to fix herself a snack. before she could reach the bottom of the stairs though a loose floorboard announced her presence to the whole of the vacant library.

Soft moans, and groans, followed by audible pops replaced the creak in the air as Spike awoke with a yawn and a sigh.

"Ugh. Twilight what time is it,"

"Oh its right around midnight, so why don't you go back to sleep before you ruin your sleep cycle," Twilight replied.

"I'm not even tired anymore thanks to that nap."

"Anyways go to bed," she said with unnecessary sternness, "now I've got some things to attend to," praying to Celestia that it had all been a horrible nightmare.

"Come on, you're usually awake at this time of night anyways so lets just stay up until dawn and watch the sunrise together."

"Uh sure why not," agreed a reluctant Twilight knowing that her assistant would be fast asleep within the hour.

Gingerly the two walked down stairs as an over eager Spike prattled on about something or other, Twilight's mind was too preoccupied with the strange green thing she had seen earlier. She decided not to trouble Spike with her paranoid thoughts. Spike, in his giddiness, decided to make the two some hot choclate while Twilight went into the den to clean up the genocide of books she called a library. Once Twilight entered the room her worst suspicions were confirmed when she spotted a pair of deformed, muddy hoof prints marring the doorway. Quickly she cleaned the mud before Spike could catch wind of the new guest in the house.

A short while later Spike arrived with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate, and handed one over to Twilight. The two sat in silence as Twilight allowed the rich warm cocoa to melt away her worries for an instant. All did not sit well with her though as a pit formed in her stomach as the knowledge of the days events trickled back into her mind. Once only the dregs remained the pair got up and began the arduous task of sorting, sifting, organizing and storing the scattered texts. Despite the size of the mess the two were able to finish rather quickly. Now Twilight had nothing distracting her from facing the creature that she had locked in the basement. Did I remember to clean out the basement the last time I used it.

"Spike would you kindly go and get us some more hot chocolate, I feel a bit tired."

"Sure thing Twilight be back in a sec."

With that Spike waddled off and Twilight was left alone facing the door to basement. Slowly she approached the old oaken doors. With a trickle of magic Twilight's telekinesis grabbed ahold of the door knob and with a passage of time she didn't think possible the door creaked at a volume unimaginable. Finally the door was open and the light poured forth cutting a deep swath through the darkness.

With an uneasy stomach and a shaking foreleg Twilight took her first step down the staircase and into the dimly lit space that was her basement. Each step she took resonated off of the walls making the short trip drag into eternity. When she reached the bottom she realized that she really didn't put all of her equipment away. Guided by beams of moonlight, she made her way over to the green creature.

There it was, and elongated green body with four protruding appendages, the fire pouring from its eyes had turned out to be light reflecting from a pair of glasses it wore Now that their faces were mere inches apart, the moonlight was not sufficient to see by, so she decided to see if she couldn't wake the beast to bring it outside of its own volition.

Before she knew it one of its appendages was wrapped around her horn and squeezing tightly, causing her unimaginable pain. The beast spoke in a tongue she couldn't understand but was not completely ignorant of either. "I don't know what you're saying," she replied. Again it spoke, only with more fury and malice in its voice. "I don't know," she said again. This time however the beast clamped down even harded and began to bend her horn upwards. Great spasms of pain flowed through her until it finally became too much and she began to whimper and plead with the beast to stop, tears began to flow, and suddenly their eyes met. She saw a smile that spoke of sadistic glee. After that the beasts eyes softened its face grew pale, and its smile left. Then it released her. She heard it mumble a few more things before it extended its green leg once again. This time Twilights instincts took over and a knock out spell fired from her still throbbing horn before it could harm her again.

"Twilight are you okay?" cried Spike from the top of the stairs leading to the basement.

"Yeah I'm fine," Twilight replied with as much fake enthusiasm as her current state would allow.

"I saw what that thing did to you are you sure you don't want me to take you to the hospital really quick."

"I'm sure but thanks for your concern," in truth Twilight did indeed feel the need to visit the infirmary, but couldn't risk that thing getting loose.

"Twilight I'm sure you just startled it after all you did knock it out and lock it in the basement," Spike replied sagely

"Wait how did you-"

"I saw it when you opened the library door and knocked it out. After that I pretended to be asleep and figured the rest out on my own. Then I came down here to take a closer look at it, and while I was down there I took its glasses off."

"Spike dont you know how dangerous that was, you could've been hurt by that thing or worse."

"Sheesh Twilight I don't know what you're so worried about."

"I can't loose you again. When you went on the dragon migration I thought I had lost you for ever. I don't know if I can go through with that again."

"I-I'm sorry Twilight I just wanted to make sure that that thing wasn't too dangerous before somepony got hurt."

"Still you shouldn't have done that without telling me you know I would've helped you with this."

"Okay, but what do you suggest we do about our guest."

"First off I think we should-"

"Write a letter to Princess Celestia, way ahead of you sent one a few hours and-BUUURRRRRP-there it is."

"Wait how'd you know what I was-"

"Going to say, you're kind of predictable. Now lets see what this letter say," the purple dragon said as he led Twilight up the stairs.

My most faithful student Twilight

(Wait you signed my name.**

Yeah i do it all the time why.)

I belive that it is in everyponies best interest if you continued to study this creature for the time being. Please ascertain if it is a threat, and report to me any findings you discover. At your discretion I would also like you to bring it to Canterlot to see if I may communicate with it.

P.S. Spike please stop using Twilight's signature on official documents.

P.P.S. Twilight please don't approach this visitor from behind, it is most likely scared, and stupid. It may have never seen a pony in all of its days, much less a magical talking one.

-Princess Celestia

"Alright so how do we get this thing to come outside without it going crazy and trying to kill one of us," asked Spike

"I've got an idea, now go get me some apples."

"But it's like midnight, AJ doesn't even set up her stand for another couple of hours," complained the purple dragon.

"I meant from the kitchen."

With  hopeful optimism,  Twilight put her plan in motion.

The land locked seaman now awoke from his forced magical slumber with a pounding headache and a pounding throb in his hand. Both throbbing in synch he slowly got to his feet. "Ya tengo que parar agarandome los huevos quando estoy durmiendo."[ I've got to stop grabbing my balls when I'm asleep.]

Slowly he looked down and saw, of all things, a bright shiny red apple, he was really more of a peach kind of guy. Its tight skin glistening in the early morning rays. Looking around he saw that none of the nightmarish torture devices he had seen last night were there. Now his sweeping glance of the room picked up nothing more than four blank walls, large subterranean roots, and a small window allowing the morning sun to poke through.

Reluctance plagued his mind as he thought back to the crazy purple equine who had ambushed him twice now, and to whom he had caused great physical pain. All of his rational thoughts told him to leave the apple where it lay and simply walk away, unfortunately for him his stomach was not rational and complained loudly when he was not consuming it. He now held the apple in his grip, it was the most impossibly perfect apple he had ever seen, and it tasted wonderful in his mouth.

Quickly devouring the poor morsel he searched around and soon found another, and another. He saw an entire trail of apples leading up the stairs. Quickly he devoured them all untill his apple devouring progress was halted by a door. With hesitance, he pushed the door open. There he saw it, a basket full of the tasty treats awaiting him on a table. Without thinking, he crossed the doorway, and got stuck. His shoulders were too broad to fit through the door, thats when they appeared, the purple horse that had ambushed him and she was now being shadowed by a bipedal purple lizard.

Princess Celestia

"Not that I don't enjoy these little get-togethers of ours Princess, but why's it always in this crappy, dark field?" Captain asked as the familiar pair sat in a darkened meadow.

"Please call me Luna, as for the locale, this is your dream, you tell me." responded the princess of the night.

"This is my subconscious mind telling me that I'm a dark, and tortured soul who only seeks tranquility, and peace of mind."

Captain's answer drew a chuckle from the princess of the night.

"No, this is simply the template which all dreamers begin with. You may change it at any time to suite your desires, actually I was wondering why you hadn't changed it earlier."

"So you're telling me that I can control this place on a whim?" the man asked with a wide smile.

"If I say, yes, will I regret the outcome."

"Maybe a little."

"Then who am I to deny a dreamer."

Captain concentrated for a moment before snapping his fingers. The world around them dissolved away, and was replaced be a vast expanse of ocean stretching as far as the eye could see. Luna gazed at the sight for a moment before it all dissolved into a torrent of salty sea water. The lunar princess sputtered and gasped struggling to stay afloat in the crashing waves.

"Need a hand?" Captain asked condescendingly from the edge of a white fishing vessel.

Luna's horn only flared, and she was next to the human currently failing to suppress a fit of giggles. Her coat stuck to her hide, and her mane hung limply down as opposed to the ethereal billowing it usually did. With another burst of magic, she was back to her regal self. A sharp glare from her cut Captain's stream of snickers.

"Where, pray tell, are we now?" she asked irritably.

"Well, I figure that this is one of my few memories worth reliving."

Luna looked around, and saw what he was talking about. The two were sitting on a white boat, on the blue green waters as an engine rumbled in the background. The spray caused by the waves crashing against the hull of the ship felt lovely, the sun hung lazily and low in the cloudless sky. As the princess of the night was mystified by the sight around her she noticed a slightly younger looking Captain, and another who shared more than a passing resemblance to the human standing besides her.

"May I ask who that is?"

"That would be my brother," Captain said with a twinge of melancholy in his voice.

"Is he..."

"What? No my brother's still alive and kicking, along with my mom and dad, and sisters, and-"

"You need not continue, I can sense that is a sensitive subject for you right now."

"Thanks, I guess." Captain could've sworn he heard a door creak open at that moment.

"Where are we exactly?" Luna asked as Captain walked into the cabin of the ship.

"I can't exactly tell you the latitude and longitude, but I can tell you that we are currently cruising somewhere in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico." Captain stepped out of the cabin with a pair of cups filled with a yellow mound of ice topped with a bright red powder; a spoon stuck out of each. "Calm down it's not lemon flavor."

"What are these things?" the dream walker asked.

"A pineapple shaved-ice topped with some chilli powder. You said I could do anything right? I just hope that these taste right."

Luna took one in her telekinetic grasp, and reluctantly took a bite. The cool sweet pineapple mixed well with the bite of the powder, even the flakes of ice were present. Better than expected, she thought. "Most people cannot imagine such fine details their first time dreaming such as this, so how are you able to?" she asked as she took another bite.

"Well, driving in circles, you get a lot of time to daydream. So I guess that's it." Captain could hear a pair of whispers in the distance, but ignored them.

"Impressive even the most skilled Dream Walkers take years to build such detailed sets."

"I get a lot of time to daydream," he said as he rubbed his side. "Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

The next thing he knew, Captain was clutching his head as though it had been ripped out from the inside with a white-hot steel rod. To his left stood a grinning Nightshade holding a stick between his forelegs, and grasping a scroll in his teeth. On his right lay the princess of the night spralled out on the floor groaning occasionally.

"Hail Monsher," said Nightshade before he spat out the scroll.

"What the hell are you doing here?" asked Captain.

"I bring a summons from Princess Celestia, Monster."

"Frist off, call me Captain; secondly why was your first instinct to thwack me in the head with a stick!?"

"I didn't 'thwack' you, I poked you gently in the face. You were mumbling something about pineapples, and then you started grabbing your head and screaming," the bat-pony replied innocently.

"Alright, but that still doesn't explain why my head feels like someone tried to lobotomize me on a drillpress."

Before Captain could continue his rant, an exceptionally loud groan from the lunar princess drew both of their attentions to her semiconscious body.

"What were you doing with Princess Luna you pervert!?"

"She told me that she was off doing princess-y things. I didn't think that she was watching me sleep," Captain replied, shock coloring his face.

"You are correct Captain," Luna said as she stood once more on four shaky hooves. "I was doing 'princess-y things' as you stated so eloquently. Before our interruption," she shot a glance at Nightshade, who shrank away, " I was overseeing the dreams of all of the little ponies."

"So then why does it feel like I was skull-fucked by Ron Jeremy wearing a spiked condom?"

The Princess looked at Nightshade, before shooting a look at Captain who immediately took it as a sign to keep his language down.

"The reason for that, is that I was literally ripped from your head. It happen when one wakes when I am in their dreams."

"Good to know, I guess." Captain turned his attention to the delivery colt. "What was that about a letter from Celestia, and was there someone else in here with you?"

"Oh you mean Amethyst. Yeah, she ran out when you started screaming like a little filly. Also," Nightshade started as he picked up the scroll with a hoof, "Princess Celestia sends for you."

Captain turned his attention back to Luna. "Have you guys never heard about child labor laws?"

The lunar princess only shrugged. Captain picked up the damp scroll, rolled it open, and began to read.

Dear Captain,

I Princess Celestia request your presence immediately. There are matters of great importance which I must discuss with you. Please meet me in the main throne room alone, you may have Nightshade escort you, but please come here immediately. I am well aware of the late hour, but I hope that you may still attend this evening.

HRH Princess Celestia.

"Damn what time is it?" Captain asked as he pulled his phone from his pocket. Just past midnight, he noted.

"Captain, I ask that you inform me of my sister's intentions once this business has been completed," the princess of the night pleaded.

"Let's see what she has to say first." Captain responded.

"I'll lead the way!" Shouted Nightshade.

"Nononono! I'm sure that the Princess needs an escort back to her study. I will be fine," added Captain in a single breath.

"You sure?" Nightshade asked skeptically.

"Yes," said Luna, "your princess requires an escort. Now let us depart, and go find Amethyst before your father's shift ends."

"Okay," mumbled the bat-pony colt.

When the two had left, Captain grabbed his phone, boots, hatchet, and glasses, and set off to the throne room.

His heavy footfalls echoed throughout the empty halls, an erie mirror as opposed to the daylight hours. Torches hung between columns, cackling softly in the ambient darkness, hungrily devouring the wood that fed them. A knot in the rug caused him to trip a bit, and a small squeak to come from behind. The man spun around, and saw an grayish-brown unicorn filly frozen in the torchlight. He took a step forward, only for the filly to dash off. The man dismissed this, and kept walking.

Once Captain reached the massive doors, he grabbed one enormous handle in his hand, and pulled with all his might. At first nothing happened, after a second though the doors began to creak and groan, eventually opening enough for him to squeeze through.

Taking a step inside he noticed something strange, sitting on the large ornate throne was Princess Celestia,  and besides her sat a bottle of wine alongside a pair of glasses. The princess levitated both glasses, each filled to the brim with a scarlet liquid, and downed them in a single gulp. As Captain inched closer, he could make out a soft low repetitive sound. She was sobbing, the immortal demi-god ruler of the most powerful country on the planet was crying.

"Are you alright?" he asked cautiously.

"Yes, I'm fine." When the princess looked up, Captain could make out a strong blush in her cheeks. "I called you here to explain a few things," she said with a small hiccup, "I am well aware of the tale which my sister has told you." A cold sweat began to trickle down the man's back as hairs stood on end, and his heart pounded. "Now that you have heard that story, I have only one thing to say to you."

I knew it, im going to die, the man thought morosely to himself.

"Please forgive me," she pleaded behind tear stained eyes.

"What?" he asked feebly.

"Please forgive us Captain. All of the things that Luna had said were all true. I did enjoy myself. I enjoyed the pain and torture that I was able to inflict on Luna that day without any form of consequence. Only it did have consequence,  I lost my sister for a thousand years, and she was still consumed by the darkness when she returned."

"So you want me to forgive you?" He asked slowly.

"Yes."

"For what, for being human.... er equine."

"What?" asked the princess of the sun.

"There's nothing to forgive. All you did was give into your base instincts, and let loose." Captain's eyes narrowed, and he placed a hand on his hips, "but if I ever hear about something like that happening again, I'll have to end you myself," he said darkly, as he took out his hatchet.

"But it felt as though there was some sort of-"

"Darkness," Captain finished, placing his hatchet back into his beltloop. "A large pit of hate, and pain, and anger that you just wanted to dive into, and never crawl out of. Like you feel that it will make all of the sadness go away, and power will take its place. Don't worry, you're not the only one standing above that particular cliff."

"But-"

"But nothing, it is our job as sentient beings to be able to look into the abyss, and not want a damn thing from it. That is what we must struggle with, and that is where we draw the line. You got me?"

"Yes I do belive that I understand," Celestia finished with a sniff.

"Good," Captain said with a smirk. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some beauty sleep to catch up on."

"Actually Captain, there is  one other matter I would like your help with. As you have no doubt guessed, you are not the only thing to have been brought here by the storm, and I would like your help in identifying some of these objects."

"Of course, please lead the way."

The solar princess stood with a wobble, and a misstep, but soon regained her composure. A steady gait led them to one of the farther corners of the castle.

"So Princess," Captain began, "what sorts of things have been brought by the storm, other people perhaps?"

"No, it appears that you are the only human to have arrived thus far, and hopefully the last. We wouldn't want to cause a scare among the populace with thinking that alien creatures were planing to invade."

"Well that's good I guess that's good, wouldn't want to start a war or anything."

"Here we are," Celestia said as they reached a brick wall in the middle of an arbitrary hall.

"I think that the booze may have messed with your head a bit, this is a wall."

"Ah, but you see, this is simply a ruse to fool would be intruders." With a golden flare of her horn and a slight creak, a seam appeared on the wall becoming the outline of a large door.

"Is that a door?" asked Captain.

"How very perceptive of you. Come quickly, we have no time to dawddle there is much I wish to ask you about."

Princess Celestia pried open the door hidden in the wall, and led the way down a slightly cramped, dimly-lit, winding staircase. Before Captain had taken two steps inside, the door closed, and crystals embedded in the ceiling lit up. It smelled dank, and musty obviously from years of neglect. Soon enough, their trek came to an end at a large iron door. Even in the dim light, Captain could see thick red dust on the floor, and smell a familiar scent fill the air. It was like an old face he couldn't place a name to. The princess of the day placed a gold clad hoof against the reddish door, and it resisted horribly with a painful squeal that echoed for several minutes.

The chamber beyond had a single crystal orb hanging above that emitted a strange, soft white light. The room itself was fairly large, about 20'x20', and sparsely furnished. The majority of the floor-space was occupied by a large table carrying all manner of detritus.

"Captain, this is what I wanted to show you. This room holds some of the most intact objects left behind by the storm. I would like your help identifying some of the odder objects here. "The princess extended a hoof across the table.

The man took a bold step towards the table, and spread his gaze across the miscellaneous objects before him. His eyes caught a glint coming off of a black blade. He took the blade's plastic hilt in his hand swung it, twirled it, and finally drove its sharpened edge into the wooden table, drawing small gasp from the princess.

"This, my dear lady, is a machete. A common enough tool used to cut down small shrubs, and the like. I suppose that sharpened, it could make a decent enough weapon."

"So, it is simply a large knife?"

"Basically, yeah."

"Are there any other objects of note?"

Captain began to scour the table once more, as he looked, his sights came to rest on a long metallic tube, gently resting on a a small pile of rags. He picked it up, and was surprised by its weight. The device had a hammer and trigger, this was a firearm. It had to be four feet long, at least.

(For refrence.)

"Well it's a gun," Captain said dumbly.

"Do you have any other information about this item?"

"It's a firearm, and I don't have very much experience with these kinds of weapons. What I do know however it that if you pull this bit back," he pointed at the hammer, "look down the sights when they're lined up, and pull the trigger," he gestured at a curved piece of metal on the gun's underside, "then whatever it is that you're looking at dies, or is at least in a very bad mood."

Celestia only snorted as she grabbed the weapon in her telekinetic grasp, and began to inspect every inch of its surface.

"So, you're telling me that these things are used for killing?"

"Y-yeah," replied Captain hesitantly.

"Is this the only one of its type or are there more of these things in existence."

"There are guns that can turn a living thing into a nasty red paste. So yeah, there are more of these things out there. I just hope that there aren't any in this place."

Captain saw the princess quickly spin the weapon mid-air. A *click* broke the otherwise silent room, and a resounding *BOOM* replaced it. The firearm flew through the air, and clattered onto the floor along the far wall. Captain looked at the disfigured corpse of Celestia, and the opposite wall where blood, shards of bone, grey matter, and miscellaneous gore now decorated the masonry. The man was too stunned to speak, and for a few seconds nothing but the beating of his own heart was heard. That is until a disgusting sound that was like nothing he had ever heard filled his ears. Looking down at the prone form of the princess, he saw that brain tissue had begun to reform, and bone grew neatly back into place. Blood began to pour before the skeleton had finished reforming, drenching the floor in sanguine ichor. Slowly the still injured Celestia began to stand, revealing a large gap in place of where her eye would normally be, before it began to fill with pink nerve endings, and finally filling back into its previous state. After a few moments of Captain standing there with his mouth agape, the princess of the sun opened her mouth, and allowed a few scraps of lead to fall from her tongue.

"Do I havesomething in my eye?" she asked, coated in her own scarlet body fluids, and several tissues the man couldn't identify.

Captain simply let out a shrill shriek before crumpling onto the floor in a small heap. Celestia gave him a few minutes of rocking back and forth before approaching him, and putting a hoof on his shoulder.

"I thought that Luna had told you of our shared regenerative abilities?"

"Yeah she did, but it's one thing to hear about it, it's another to see it live." The blood had drained from Captain's face, leaving very pale indeed.

"My apologies Captain, but I thought that you would have understood."

"Understood what, that you're suicidal!?" he asked as blood began to seep back into his face.

"I simply wanted to know wether this item would have been a serious danger to the general public."

"And you couldn't have shot a watermelon with it?"

"This was the simplest, fastest way to find out. And no watermelons here harmed in the test." An awkward smile creeped its was across the princess' face. "At any rate, Captain, is there anything more of interest here?"

"I think that's pretty much everyth..." Captain trailed off when his eye met with a broken plank of wood.

The broken piece had visible salt damage, and faded, cracked white paint. The plank appeared to be decorated with navy blue lettering. COR, it read.

Captain only stood there, hoping for some other piece of information. None came.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, why?" The man asked.

"You appear to be crying."

For the first time, Captain noticed that there were in fact fat, hot, salty tears streaming down his face. His knees felt weak, and a lump was caught in his throat.

"What is the significance of that plank of wood?" asked Celestia.

"T-that plank belongs on my boat."

"How do you know?"

"I've seen it hundreds of times, at least, I know what it looks like, and where it goes. Oh god that means that the rest of my crew is... is..."

"I am sure that they're fine Captain," Celestia said softly, and sympathetically, "if they are half as tenacious as you, then they are surely safe."

"I guess you're right, anyone of them is capable of taking charge. They're alright, thank you, even if it is just false hope." A small smile crept across Captain's face.

"I do believe that this has been enough excitement for tonight. Don't you agree?"

"Agreed, I'm ready to hit the hay. Again."

With that, the two left the way they came in. Before the princess opened the door back outside, Captain placed a hand on her haunches, drawing the mare's attention.

"Did you need something?" she asked in her usual delicate voice.

"Princess,  I need you to promise me that you'll destroy the gun."

The solar diarch looked at him a moment, turned, opened the door, and stepped out. Captain, simply shook his head, and returned to his room.

A Wild Discord Appears

A wild Discord appears.

(Non-canon)

Captain stood before Princess Celestia, along with the Mane Six, in the throne room.

"The reason I have called you here," Princess Celestia began, "is because I may know of a way to send you back to your dimension Captain. I will not lie, this will be a long-shot, and will require the help of a powerful being that may not wish to help at all. The repercussions for these actions could be devastating, I did not wish to spring this on you so suddenly, and put so much pressure on you, but this is your decision."

All eyes were on the man.

"Alright, lets do this. What's the worst that could happen?"

"I just hope that neither of us regret those words." Celestia's horn flared, and for a blinding instant nothing happened. Then a strange male voice broke the silence.

"Then I told the guy, 'no I don't want sauerkraut on my cocaine.'" A cacophony of obnoxious laughter followed. "What the... where am I?"

The spots slowly faded from Captain's vision, and a strange new being came into view. The beast appeared to be an amalgamation of a mid-sized zoo.

"Discord, I have summoned you from your assignment to help in assisting this strange visitor back to his home." Celestia gestured to Captain with a long regal hoof.

"Ugly little thing isn't it," Discord said with a chuckle as he pinched Captain's cheek.

Captain slapped Discord's paw away before retorting.

"At least I don't look like my mom got gang-banged at the zoo."

"Ooo a feisty one. Where did you pick this thing up Celly? He's a lot more fun than your usual guests."

"He was brought here by the enchanted storm that has been tearing apart the countryside," Celestia stated coolly.

"Oh yes, that failed attempt at recreating some of my infamous cotton candy clouds. Tell me, why should I care?"

"You'd be helping out a poor soul who's just trying to find his way home," Captain said hopefully.

"A valuable, willing subject in magical experimentation," added Twilight.

"A new friend to go ice skiing with,"said Fluttershy.

"A great chance to have another crazy party," piped up Pinkie.

"A chance to rid the populace of a perceived threat," commented Celestia.

"Well, seeing all of the evidence presented before me, I'm afraid that I must decline your generous offer," said Discord.

"What? Why?" everyone asked in unison.

"Seeing as how I'm The God of Chaos, it doesn't really make sense for me to be doing favors to everyone who asks."

"Discord," Celestia said sharply, "I invoke The Laws Of The Ancients to force your assistance."

This statement drew a groan from the chimera.

"What's 'The Laws Of The Ancients'?" Twilight asked.

"The law states," Discord started, "that if this mortal can best me in three challenges, one of my choosing one of his and one of a mutually agreed upon third-party, then and only then will I lend all in my power to help."

"Sounds simple enough," Captain said skeptically, "so what's the catch if I lose?"

"What do you mean 'catch'?" Discord asked incredulously, "if you lose that simply means that I own your immortal soul for the rest of eternity. *SIGH.* There's a reason that it fell out of favor among immortals, far too many souls to keep track of. What do you even do with a soul, I never figured that part out."

"Discord," Celestia scolded, "do you accept or not?"

"Fine, why not. It's not like I had important things to be doing half a continent away," the god of chaos whined

"So what's the first challenge?" Captain asked.

"Lets get this over with. I Discord, Immortal god of chaos, do accept your challenge as set forth by the All-Maker herself The Great And Glorious Faust. My challenge to you is... a drinking contest. Do you accept or do you concede now," Discord droned monotonously.

"I, Captain, do hereby accept your challenge. Pick your poison."

"That's what I like to hear." Discord grinned maniacally before letting out a deep throaty laugh.

A snap of his talon was all it took to whisk the group away, and into a dimly lit room with a large table in the middle topped with countless shot-glasses.

Captain stepped up to the table, and took a long look at the contents of one of the glasses. It was a strange green color, when he wafted it, the stink of alcohol stung his nostrils. Sticking his tongue into the drink quickly rewarded him with the familiar burn of high-proof liquor.

"Let me guess, rubbing alcohol." Captain received only blank stares for his statement.

"You would think so, but this time I went with something much worse, absinthe."

Captain stepped up to the table slammed back a shot, and spoke.

"We gonna drink or are we gonna sit here with our balls in hand?"

Then shit went down.

"THIRTY-SEVEN," chanted the small crowd of onlookers. *SLAM* "THIRTY-EIGHT."

Captain now looked at the blurry shot he held in front of his face. The God of Chaos looked no worse for the wear, as he took his next shot. His glasses rested on the table, and the added blur to his vision only distorted him more. With a trembling hand, Captain placed the shot back onto the table. The man looked around, and saw the disappointed faces of the ponies around him.

With a groan, Captain fell onto the floor with a heavy thud.

"Ha ha," came a cacophony of laughter from thead god himself, "well my good man, I do believe that I win this round."

The man looked at the chimera,  and back to the floor. He attempted to stand, but wobbling limbs prevented him from getting farther than his knees.

"Necks schallesh," Captain slurred from the floor.

"How cute, he wants to keep going. Alright, challenge accepted." Condescension dripped from the spirit's voice.

"Puking contest go," Captain shouted from his place on the floor before bile rose in his throat.

The prone human won by a landslide.

"After a lengthy intermission, here we are in the third... um third of this challenge of the Laws Of The Gods. The Spirit of Chaos, Discord pulled an early lead with his overconsumption of absinthe, but the underdog from another dimension, Captain managed to lead into a tie with his spectacular gastrointestinal spewing."

"Pinkie Pie, who are you talking to?" asked a confused Twilight.

"The audience," the pink mare said simply as she gestured to a wall.

"Okay, I'll be... um over there," replied the unicorn as she made her way towards the rest of the group already gathered around Captain, and Discord.

"The dueling duo are now fresh and frosty after dealing with hangovers, and bathing with steel wool and chlorine. We will be right back after a word from our sponsors," said Pinkie before scuttling off to join the crowd.

In the center of the ring of mares stood Captain, and opposite of him, Discord.

"Fluttershy!" shouted Discord.

"Pinkie Pie!" countered Captain.

"Celestia!"

"Rainbow Dash!"

"TWILIGHT!" came a stereo response.

Sixteen eyes fell on the purple mare, each hungry for an answer to the question of the tie breaking challenge.

Twilight let out a small squeak as the tension in the air grew thick. Beads of sweat were already begining to form, and her mind race past innumerable outcomes.

"Um... uh... Ichooseacursingcontest," the lavender unicorn blurted out quickly.

The grinning chimera only laughed as he wiped an imaginary tear from his eye.

"You may as well gift wrap your soul for me now Wolf-Council. If none of you have noticed, I invented curses." A snap of his fingers, and the Mane Six were each trapped in a little personal bubble of torture. "Pinkie Pie I gave the curse of Tantalus. Always hungry, but never able to eat." The bubbly pony ran in a circle as an apple rolled continuously out of reach. "Rainbow I gave the curse of slow." The prismatic maned mare moved in slow-motion, not moving more than a few millimeters in the time she was in the bubble. "Twilight I granted the gift of wisdom." The mare in question was currently graying before their very eyes. "Rarity has now acquired the curse of Midas." An alabaster pony stood in stunned silence as her entire world turned a horrifying gold plate. "Applejack I must admit was tricky, but she has received my blessing of 'creativity'." The apple bucking pony now sat, no more than a giggling lunatic. "And Fluttershy my first and only friend, I have cursed her seeing me, and the rest of her friends like this."

With a snap everything was back, and nopony appeared to have any recollection of the last few minutes.

"From your stunned silence 'Captain' I'll take it that I win," cackled Discord before conjuring a seat for himself.

Captain pondered his situation for a moment, and imagined the metaphysical ramifications should he lose. He wasn't going to lose.

"You said that this was a cursing contest correct?"

"Indeed." Nodded Discord.

"Well then I suggest that everyone who doesn't want to hear me rant for a few minutes better cover their ears." Everyone present, with the exceptions of Twilight and Discord, covered their ears. "Alright listen up you cock-sucking piece of shit." Twilight covered her ears.

For the next few minutes, Captain shouted and stomped causing the god of chaos to flinch. After a while it appeared that he had stopped. Twilight now uncovered her ears. He had only taken a breath.

"Y chinga tu puta madre con un pinche nopal cubierto en chile rojo. [And fuck your whore mother with a fucking cactus covered in red peppers.]

This continued for another ten minutes. Give or take. When Captain's rant had finally ended, and the spirit of disharmony sat slack-jawed and open mouthed. The man stood grinning triumphantly over Discord.

"I take it from that stupid look on your face that I win. Bitch. Now help me get back home. Please."

"I'd love to help you, I really would, but you were brought here by faulty pony magic, not chaos magic. Out of my field of expertise. Plus given your innate aversion to magic, I could potentially be blasting you into Oblivion. Not hell, I mean the actual game Oblivion. So I think that it's in everybodies best interest if I don't attempt to send you back. But I do suppose I can do one thing." With a snap, Captain, Celestia, the Six, and Discord, were all in the castle library. The mad god casually strolled up to an arbitrary bookcase, got up on his tiptoes, and plucked a book from the shelf. "This tome contains the entire collection of enchanting magic from the most powerful enchanter known to ponykind. It may provide some insight, or even a way home for you. Unfortunately it will require four 'keys' to open, and I have no idea where they are. Sorry that's all the information I have. Goodbye," he said before poofing off.