Luna Plays NES Ghosts n' Goblins
After returning from the moon, Princess Luna wanted to get with the times. She took an interest in video games, a new form of entertainment. She loved the idea of a fictional world where it's the gamer's job to complete the goal. Princess Celestia, her sister and ruler of Equestria, noticed her interest. Celestia remembered back in the day where video games were just becoming popular. Games were horrifically difficult, and sometimes the game was so difficult it was unplayable.
In the day of the Nintendo Entertainment System, or NES, games were at its peak of difficulty. One, no, THE game that defined that time was Ghouls and Ghosts. It was a “good game” per se, but the difficulty was unreal. It was time for Celestia to have a little fun with her sister.
Luna sat on her “gaming couch” in her room as she usually does when she plays games. A bowl of popcorn was at her side as she was playing a very intense first-person-shooter.
“YEAH! Take that, sly head-jumping crab!” She yelled smiling. “Thou is nothing more than a squealing base-ball!” Having the time of her life home-running head-crabs and killing zombie scientists, her sister entered the room. Luna paused the game and looked behind her. Celestia had a mischievous smile running across her face. Luna become worried.
“What be with the smile thou has on her face?” Luna asked nervously. Celestia giggled and sighed with joy.
“Oh, Luna. I'm glad I caught you on your “game time”. I've got a new project for you to work with.” She explained, raising her eyebrow.
“I don't believe I'm going to enjoy this “project”. What does thou have for me?” She asked, blinking twice.
“Let me explain, dear sister. Twenty years or so back, video games were just becoming popular. The NES was something everypony had. Gaming was much, much different. The difficulty was intense and games looked very poor compared to today.” Celestia explained.
“So, what does thou want me to do? Thou wanteth me to play an old fashioned game?” She asked, raising one eyebrow. Celestia grew an evil smile.
“Oh yes I do. I've brought these two things.” She used her magic to pull out a device unknown to Luna and a very big cartridge. “This is the NES. Let me go hook it up for you. This is the game you will be playing.” Celestia said as she walked past Luna. She changed the TV channel and hooked up some wires.
Luna took a look at the huge cartridge. She raised an eyebrow. “Ghosts and Goblins? Quite an unoriginal name...” She commented. Celestia turned to her and chuckled.
“Oh, that it is. I get the feeling that you'll be playing this game for a while...” She said. She swiped the cartridge from Luna and put it in the NES. She threw the controller at Luna with force. Luna juggled it for a second but caught it. She looked at the controller and looked back at her sister, who was walking out of the room.
“Sister! This controller had but a D-pad and four buttons, only two of which are used in game!” She complained. Her sister looked back, with that same mischievous face she had on before.
“So it does. Good luck! I'll come back to check on how you're doing in a little bit. Don't get ass-hurt over it!” She joked. Celestia walked out of the door, Luna rather angry, but anxious to see what the game looked like. She had never seen anything below Nintendo Gamecube graphics, which were still pretty good compared to today's.
“Well, let us see how this will turn out.” Luna said to herself. Turning on the console, an odd sound pierced her ears as the title “Ghosts n’ Goblins” came up on the TV. This was supposed to be video game music? What happened to “Darkness of the Unknown” or “One Winged Angel”?
The game started, and two figures that Luna thought were ponies were sitting under a tree. Suddenly, a red demon swooped down and took the mare. The stallion got up and a suit of armor had appeared for him to get in. Luna blinked.
“Wh- WHAT? Did this stallion just get his mare stolen from him by the DEVIL!? What stupid-ass plot was that!?” She yelled in anger. She face-hoofed and groaned. “Oh well, let us see the game-play! I am quite excited for it!”
It was the opposite of what she expected. The animated sprites were nightmarish and her only controls were jump and throw javelins. The music was repetitive but reasonable. Luna shook her head in disbelief.
“WHAT IS THIS!?” She yelled. “The controls make me want to vomit all over a zombie and watch it drown in blood!” The game was already pissing her off, but the worst was yet to come. Speaking of zombies, when she walked to the right, a zombie came out of the ground and started to advance toward her.
“Asshole! DIE!” She yelled, throwing a javelin. The zombie completely disappeared. Luna was getting more angry. “I don't understand!! Why did I throw a javelin at a zombie!? Why is this music so annoying!? WHERE AM I GETTING THESE JAVELINS!?!?” She yelled. She continued to advance forward, killing more and more zombies with no problem.
“Hah! This game is easier than my sister!” She joked. A flying demon came onto the screen, staying in place. “A demon? The stupid flank is just staying in place! Easy kill. What was the game designer on when he made this game?” She asked herself.
She rushed toward the demon, which proceeded to swoop down and hit her, knocking off her armor. “WHAT!? THOU IST A BITCH! DIE!” Luna yelled at the demon, which swooped down and hit her again. This time, she was reduced to a pile of bones. The words “Game Over” appeared on the screen. Luna held her dirty mouth open in anger.
“Why that insensitive PRICK! THOU, SIR DEMON, ARET A PILE OF SKUNK DIARRHEA! THOU ART A PIECE OF BLOODY SHIT THAT WON'T FLUSH! CHEAP ASS CELESTIA CLOPPER!” She outraged. She was breathing heavily. Over to her right, she heard a squeak from a cage. A tarantula looked at her, squeaking like crazy.
“ATTICUS, SHUT YOUR MOUTH BEFORE I SHUT IT FOR YOU!” She yelled at the spider. The spider quickly covered it's face with two of its legs. Luna turned back to the game.
“Alright. Let us attempt this monstrosity again.” She sighed. She hit continue and spawned at the beginning of the level. She piled through the zombies and came up again to the devil. Again, it was just sitting there, waiting for her to pass by.
“Alright, you son of a bitch. TASTE MY JAVELIN!” She yelled. Atticus the tarantula made another series of squeaks. “Yes, Atticus, that's what she said, I know.”
She jumped and threw the javelin at the devil and it was a hit. The devil was still alive and came hurling toward her. It hit her and she lost her armor.
“OH NO! NONONONO! DIE, DELINQUENT OF TARTARUS!” She yelled as she threw another javelin. It hit the demon and killed it. Luna sighed in relief and kept going, only to be ambushed and killed by a rising zombie. “Game Over”.
“WHAT THE HELL? GODAMN! THIS GAME IS A BUNCH OF POOP SMELLING, SHIT-STAINED, ASS LICKING, BART-FART... CRAPPY SIMPSON'S COMEDY BULLSHIT!” She raged as she threw the controller to the wall. A crack was visible where it hit. She slammed her hoof into the couch, making a visible hole in it. Atticus squeaked at her once again.
“What the hay does thou mean “beat it”, Atticus? The difficulty is unreal! Thou'd think an “easy” mode would help!” She pouted and crossed her hooves. The tarantula squeaked again, making Luna even angrier.
“What do you mean “I'm not good at video games if I can't beat it”!? I'll show you!” She boasted as she picked up the controller.
Life after life, and rage after rage, she pressed on. After about half an hour, she beat the first level. She cheered in victory as she taunted the cartridge.
“YEAH! WOO! Suck on THAT! HAH!” She dropped the controller as she got up and danced. Atticus hissed at her once again.
“Wait, that wasn't it!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT WASN'T IT, YOU EIGHT LEGGED GORILLA!?” She yelled in disbelief. Atticus hissed.
“... Six... SIX STAGES!?” She gasped. “... This is going to take quite some time.” She sighed. She picked up the controller with a frustrated face. She prepared for the long journey.
Hours passed as that good old Ghosts N' Goblins theme started to engrave itself into Luna's poor mind. She had never sworn this much in her life as she did within this day’s time. Luna started this game at 12:30, not too much time after lunch. It was now 5:37, and Luna was on stage 6, the final stage.
She was sweating like a farm pony as she dodged near impossible attacks from enemies everywhere. The red devils had become child's play for her. She was on the final stage, and she was going to beat this stupid game, no matter how evil it was.
Celestia came into the room, and saw Luna still playing the game. Her plan had gone as expected. Luna was in the zone, and nopony can take Luna out of “the zone”. Celestia chuckled.
“So, how are things with Ghosts and Goblins, Luna?” Celestia asked.
“I hate this rat's ass of a game, but by the queen of the changelings, I'm going to beat it! I'm halfway into stage six, and nothing is going to stop me!” She said confidently as a giant threw a fireball and killed her. “GODAMMIT!” She yelled.
“Stage six? That's quite a ways into the game, Luna! I'm surprised you made it that far in five hours! I couldn't get past stage three back in the day.” Celestia said as she looked out the window into the sky. “Those were the days.” She said, shaking her head as the Ghosts n' Goblins theme played in the background.
“Atticus dared me to beat it, and I will do it! I don't know why I listened to the cretin, but I did!” She said, eyes on the TV. “This stupid part always screws me up.” She said. Celestia walked over and saw the TV and nodded.
“Yes, that part is quite hard. Run to the left and back and the giant will be slow enough to give you room to get up the ladder without you triggering the red demon.” Celestia advised. Luna paused the game and looked at her sister.
“How does thou know this if thou hasn't gotten past the third stage?” She asked, squinting. Celestia shrugged.
“Looked it up on the internet. The internet knows all, Luna.” She said. Luna face-hoofed and unpaused. She ran to the left as the giant on the floor above followed her to the left.
“Alright, stay there and let him catch up.” Celestia told her. Luna stood still, her heart pounding. “Alright, Luna, NOW! Run to the ladder!” Her sister yelled. Luna ran quickly to the ladder, climbing up it. As she reached the floor, she ran to the second ladder just to the left. The giant was almost within her hitbox as she climbed. By maybe a pixel or two, Luna escaped the giant and went up to the final floor of the stage, where a doorway stood, leading to the end of the stage. Luna sighed and leaned back on her couch.
“Phew. Stupid-ass giant. The bucker got me every damn time. Let us end this madness!” She yelled as she pressed up on the D-pad and went through the door. A pixelated mare was in a cage as a giant demon walked in from the left of the TV. It was the demon that kidnapped the mare!
“Oh, yes! Final battle time! Let us kick some sorry devil ass!” Luna yelled as she dodged perilous attacks and threw knives. Her heart was racing as Celestia laid back, relaxed as ever. This was it! The final battle! Luna will never have to do this again, and she can say that she beat Ghosts n' Goblins! The time was now! The Devil hit her, making her armor disappear.
“GAH! NO! DAMN THIS TIN-FOIL ARMOR THAT I WEAR! DIE, DEVIL!” She yelled as she threw one last knife. The game paused and flashed for brief seconds as the devil disappeared into thin air.
Luna was struck with awe at the sight of the devil's defeat. A tear came into her eye as she laughed. She shook her head in joy as she wiped the tear from her eye. The mare was released from the cage as she came up to the armorless stallion.
“I... I did it. Sister! I've done it! I beat Ghosts and Goblins!” She cheered as she looked over to her sister. Celestia giggled.
“Oh. Don't be so sure of yourself, Luna.” Celestia said with an evil smile. Luna was suddenly worried as she quickly glanced at the TV.
The mare suddenly turned into a devil and flew away. Luna looked at the screen with a horrified face as she read the text that appeared on the screen.
“This room is a trap devised by Satan? Make your way... here... again... make... rapid... progress....?” Luna read. She started to twitch as she dropped the controller. Celestia shook her head.
“I warned you.” She said. Her sister remained still. “Umm... Luna? Are you okay?” She asked.
Heavy breathing came from Luna. “... This game... augh... this... game...” She attempted to speak. The anger was overwhelming her.
Celestia began to get worried. “This game what, Luna? Are you going to be okay?”
“This game... This game...” She began. She then let loose all hell.
“THIS GAME IS A SHIT-STAINED, MOTHER-BUCKING, HELL SPAWNED TWAT-MUFFIN! THIS GAME IS A ROADKILL SKUNK'S ANUS HOLE SHOVED IN MY MOUTH!” Luna took a deep breath. “THIS GAME IS A STUPID, GODAMM GORILLA ASS SMEARED ALL OVER MY FACE WHILE I WATCH TWIN PEAKS.” Luna took another breath. She was beating the controller on a table. She looked over to the game and started to walk over to it. She took out the cartridge and walked over to a sharp edge of a table. “THIS GAME IS A... PILE OF FESTERING PUTRID ASS JUICE * gasp * POURING OUT OF MY MOUTH WHILE I WATCH AN ALICORN GET SHOT IN THE FACE SEVENTEEN TIMES BY ANOTHER ALICORN!” She continued to yell as she beat the cartridge on the table edge. “THIS GAME IS A CHIPMUNK CRAWLING INTO MY CROTCH AND BITING ON MY INSIDE! THIS GAME IS A GODAMN MONSTROSITY!!!!” She yelled on final time as the final slam broke the cartridge into three. The pieces were on the ground as Luna made a rude gesture to them. “I PISS ON YOUR BROKEN PIECES!”
Celestia still stood to the side, calm as she was before. Her sister looked up at her, breathing heavily.
Celestia's eyebrows rose. “So you didn't like the game?”
