The Rustling of Twilight's Jimmies
The Rustling (Sponsored by GEICO)
"Could switching to GEICO really save you 15 percent or more on car insurance?" Mike McGlone asked as he walked into empty room, completely devoid of any life but himself.
After a short pause, he asked, "Does Spike abuse get really good ratings?"
It was your average day in Ponyville. The birds were singing, children were laughing and playing, and somepony caught saying YOLO and swag was tortured and then hung in the gallows in front of a cheering crowd, as per tradition.
Twilight, as usual, was inside her room, her face stuffed in a book called 'Amateur Porn for Dummies: How to take dick while being video taped in shitty quality'. She yearned to learn the next step in the magic of friendship, which was friendship for benefits.
However, Twilight was too focused on reading that she didn't notice a certain purple and green baby dragon come up from behind her.
"Twilight?" Spike asked. There was no response.
"Twilight, come on, seriously? Remember the last time that you weren't paying attention to me?" he asked.
"Twilight! The house is on fire! I'm on fire! We need to get out of here!" Spike exclaimed, patting himself down in a pitiful attempt to put out the flames that were overwhelming his body.
"That's lovely Spike." Twilight responded absentmindedly, turning to the next page of her book, which was called 'How to Play the Game for Dummies: How to discover that everyone loses the game'.
There was still no response.
Sighing, the purple dragon pulled a chair up next to Twilight's. After clumsily climbing onto the chair and standing on his tippy toes, Spike whispered into Twilight's ear, "Xbox 360 has no game."
Twilight looked up from her book, slamming it shut and turning towards the source of such heathenish comments. There stood her dragon slave, a smug smile on his face.
"What did you just say?" she asked, her voice completely devoid of emotion.
"I said, Xbox 360 has no game," he repeated, smirking at the purple unicorn.
Twilight's eyes twitched, before bitch slapping Spike across the room, sending him flying into a bookcase. Dazed, Spike looked up in time to see the bookcase topple over, spilling it's contents on him before crushing him underneath.
The purple unicorn used her telekinesis to lift the bookcase and it's contents off of the purple dragon. She then picked his limp body up off the ground, before slamming him into the floor. She repeated this several times, before throwing him into the wall. She then picked up a nearby vase and dropped it on top of his head. She then picked up the slabs off glass with her telekinesis and slamming each and everyone of them into his scales.
"Want to say that again?!" she demanded, hoisting him up in the air with his telekinesis and glaring at him.
"Xbox 360 has no game!" he exclaimed weakly.
"Look girls!" Applebloom exclaimed, gaining the attention of her two friends, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.
"Ah got my cutie mark!" she said, motioning to her flanks. Adorned on flanks was an image of a mare riding on a strip pole.
"Wow! Good job Applebloom!" Sweetie Belle said, patting her yellow friend on the back.
Suddenly, there was a breaking of glass. The three crusaders turned in time to see Spike flying through the air, before touching down in front of them. Spike was beaten, bleeding, and bruised, his right eye swollen shut. His tail also appeared to be severed.
Scootaloo slowly approached the purple dragon, followed by her two friends. Poking the dragon in the side, she asked, "Yo Spike... you alright?"
"No..." he answered.
Suddenly, the door to the library flew off it's hinges, flying towards the four and landing on top of Spike, crushing him. Out walked a severely pissed off Twilight Sparkle, her mane disheveled and her eye twitching. Clutched in her hooves was the assault rifle from Halo.
"Where is that fucker?!" she demanded.
"Why? Why do you want to know?" one of the background ponies who were out and about asked.
"Because he said Xbox 360 has no game!" Twilight responded.
The ponies surrounding her traded confused looks. "But... the 360 has no game."
"Nopony in this town plays the Xbox. It's all about the P S Triple. The only pony in Ponyville that owns an Xbox is you, Twilight," another pony added.
"Grandpa?"
"Yes Jimmy?"
"Why didn't the ponies just keep their ignorant mouths shut?"
"I don't know. Fuck kid, are you stupid or something? All I know... is that it rustled Twilight's jimmies something fierce."
Twilight's jimmies could handle rustling of this magnitude. Unable to cope with what she was hearing, Twilight brought her assault rifle to bear, aiming it at the head of the nearest pony.
"Blasphemy!" she screeched, before pulling the trigger.
"How do the ponies shoot guns without fingers?"
"Just shut the fuck, Billy."
"It's Jimmy."
"Don't make me get the cattle prod."
Twilight stalked through the town, mowing down anypony in sight, only pausing to reload or take a swig of her Mountain Dew. Ponies ran away from the crazed mare in a panic, only to be shot in the back before they could get to cover. With each kill, Twilight's manic grin grew wider and wider. In her mind, the ponies were replaced by grunts, and she saw herself as the Master Chief, mowing down wave after wave of the miniature aliens.
Suddenly, there was a bright light, too bright for Twilight to handle. She dropped her assault rifle, shielding her eyes with her hooves.
The light dimmed, revealing the 'Goddess' of the Sun, Princess Celestia.
"Twilight, what are you doing?!" she demanded.
"I-I can explain!" the purple unicorn stammered out.
"You can explain you going through this town killing my subjects without mercy?! Give me one good fucking reason why I shouldn't send you to the fucking moon!" the princess screeched, her horn glowing as she aimed it at Twilight, preparing to obliterate her with her magic missiles.
"But princess, this heathens prefer to play Playstation over Xbox! It's blasphemy!" Twilight exclaimed.
Suddenly, the princess looked up, her spell diminishing. "Really?"
"Yes!"
Suddenly, there was a bright flash that blinded Twilight. At first, she thought Celestia had sent her to the moon, but then she opened her eyes, and found herself in Princess Luna's room. Sitting on the floor was the Princess of the Night, playing Halo 4 on her 360.
"Oh hello, Twilight Sparkle!" Luna greeted, "Care to join us for a round of Slayer?"
Twilight nodded eagerly, taking a seat beside the blue alicorn and picking up a controller, signing into her Xbox Live account and joining Luna's game.
"Take that you faggot!" Luna exclaimed as shot another Spartan point blank in the face with her sniper rifle, killing the red Spartan instantly. Luna then T-bagged the red's corpse.
Twilight smiled, content, knowing the Celestia was probably destroying Ponyville at the moment for their blasphemy.
Of course, Celestia was too kind for that. Instead, she took every PS3 and Wii in the town and sent them to the moon, and replaced them with Xbox 360's.
And everypony was happy, except for the dead ones.
And Spike, whom everypony took turns beating with a 2x4.
As was tradition.
Author's Note
Fun fact: Spike is actually one of my favorite characters in the show, next to Twilight and Pinkie Pie. But I just love writing Spike Abuse. It's very fun to write. Seriously, I recommend you all go write some, whether you find it disturbing or not. You'll find it very fun to write.
Another fact: Rainbow Dash and Shining Armor as worst ponies.
