Cutie Mark Crusader Alcoholics!

by zaponator

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4318

I wrote this while drunk. As is only right.

The cutie mark crusaders want to be grown-up mares like Applebloom's big sister, Applejack.
So when Applebloom finds out that Applejack has a secret cider stash, and Applejack tells her it's "For adults only" the crusaders decide that if they drink it, they'll be adults too. What could possibly go wrong?

This is an idea I had while drunk. Also I wrote it while drunk. Maybe I spend too much time drunk.

Published 2012-11-14 05:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-14 05:20:02 UTC

Yay!

Applebloom was sweating profusely. This was it. This was the moment of truth. She stealthily creeped out of her bedroom and down the hallway, making no more noise than the wind. In a matter of seconds she was at her older sister's door. Applebloom slowly eased the door open just a crack. Peeking inside, she could see a pony-shaped lump underneath the blankets on her sister's bed. Probably her sister, the list of pony-shaped things that could be in Applejack's bed was short, and Rainbow Dash was out of town at the moment.

Noticing that her sister's breathing was slow and even, Applebloom deduced that Applejack must be asleep. Armed with this knowledge, she was able to will her shaking knees to stillness, and sneak into Applejack's room.

Her prize would soon be within her reach. Twenty feet. Fifteen feet. Ten feet. Suddenly Scootaloo's voice crackled through the walkie talkie Applebloom was carrying, luckily quiet enough not to wake Applejack.

"Applebloom! You've switched off your targetting computer. What's wrong?"

Applebloom pressed the talk switch to reply. "Nothing, I'm all right." She then heard the voice of her mentor Zecora in her head, clear as if she was standing in the room.

Use the force young pony mare. Just a bit you're almost there.

Zecora was a crazy zebra. Applebloom used to apprentice potion making under her, but had stopped going when Zecora starting spouting nonsense about 'The Force' and Applebloom's father. Yeah, she was one crazy zebra. Besides, Applebloom knew exactly what had happened to her father. She shuddered. She was there. And one day, she would have her revenge.

But, that was neither here, nor there.

At this point Applebloom realized that her distracted thoughts had carried her all the way to her goal. A small hatch lay in front of her, set into the floor near the foot of Applejack's bed. Double checking one last time that Applejack was still asleep, Applebloom eased open the trap door to reveal what she and the crusaders had sought for so long. The path to adulthood lay before her. Alcohol; lots of alcohol.

She had found out about Applejack's secret cider stash three days ago, when she walked in on Applejack and Rainbow drinking together. Applejack had sat her down and explained that those drinks were something for adults, and Applebloom shouldn't be getting into them. She had also explained that her and Rainbow were just hugging real hard, because they're such good friends. And to never ever tell Granny Smith about it.

Applebloom smirked at the thought of her sister's naivety as she lifted out several cases of hard cider. How could she not see it? When Applejack said that those drinks were for adults, that meant that only adults could drink them. Logically, they could then infer that anypony who drank them was automatically an adult. Sweetie Belle had been extremely proud when she figured that one out.

Loading up the cider into the extra-large saddle bags she had brought, Applebloom closed the trap door, and creeped out of Applejack's room as silently as she had entered. Smiling broadly at her success, she pressed the talk button on her walkie talkie.

"Home base, this is red leader. Over." The radio crackled for a second before Scootaloo's voice came on.

"Red leader this is home base, do you have the package? Over."

"The package is secured home base."

"I'm sorry, the package is what? Over."

"I said the package is secured."

"Didn't quite catch that last part. Over."

Realizing what was going on, Applebloom facehoofed and sighed heavily.

"The package is secured." Applebloom tried to put as much sarcasm into her next statement as possible. "Over."

"Alright red leader, we read you loud and clear. Return to base with the package. Over and out."

Applebloom nodded, realized that nopony could see her, flushed in embarrassment, and left the Apple family farmhouse.

Applebloom, having stopped being stealthy ever since she was clear of the farmhouse, ran through the orchards giggling like a school filly. Probably because she was a school filly. Before long, the Crusader Clubhouse came into sight. She immediately ran up the ramp and stopped at the door. She knocked three times.

"Password?" Sweetie Belle's voice came from the other side.

"What?" Applebloom was sure they didn't even have a password.

"Need the password." Came Sweetie's deadpan reply.

"You gotta be kidding me. What password?"

"The password! We gave it out at the staff meeting five minutes ago."

"Meeting?" Applebloom was genuinely confused, and more than a little angry. "What meeting? I was out here!"

"I'm not supposed to let anypony in without it."

"If the staff meeting just ended, nopony outside is gonna know the freakin' password! Now open up. I brought the cider and Applejack could catch me out here at any moment."

There was a long pause.

"Does she know the password?"

At that, Applebloom was about ready to kick in the door. She was saved the trouble when she heard muffled shouting coming from inside the clubhouse. In a couple seconds the door opened, and Scootaloo stood there looking exasperated.

"See, Sweetie Belle? I told you it was just Applebloom." Scootaloo gestured in Applebloom's general direction.

Sweetie was sitting in a corner with her forelegs crossed, and her brow furrowed. "I still think we shouldn't have taken the risk. We agreed that we should have a password!"

Scootaloo and Applebloom shared a look and sighed. No matter. Their ascension was at hand. Applebloom reverently laid out the three cases of cider. At this, Sweetie Belle stopped brooding, and joined the other crusaders in the center of the room, circled around their bounty.

"It's beautiful." Applebloom stated before sniffing and rubbing her teary eyes.

"It's grand." Sweetie Belle swooned, holding a hoof to her forehead.

It's bucking awesome! That's what it is!" Scootaloo exclaimed animatedly. She had a talent for destroying moments. Not cutie-mark grade, but she was good at it.

"I once saw Rainbow Dash drink a ton of this stuff." She was waving her forelegs as she recounted a tale of her idol's awesomeness. "She was all like, 'Scootaloo, what are you doing in my house?' And I was like, 'This isn't your house Rainbow Dash. This is the orphanage. Have you finally come to adopt me?' And Rainbow laughed and laughed. I laughed too, once I stopped crying, that is."

Both the other crusaders gave her blank stares, which she failed to notice as she kept her eyes on the cider. "Anyway, lets pop this stuff open. Did'ja get a bottle opener Applebloom?"

Applebloom, realizing she had been asked a question, stopped staring at Scootaloo and instead started rummaging through the pockets of her saddlebag. "One sec, lemme check." After a moment's search, she turned up a bottle opener. "Yeah! I got it. Who wants to go first?"

Scootaloo practically knocked Applebloom down grabbing the bottle opener from her. "I'm clearly the most awesome one here." She stated in a tone that implied it was a known fact. Before Applebloom could protest, Scootaloo continued. "So that means that I should go first."

Applebloom had some level of intelligence—Despite what miss Cheerilee said—so she decided it was probably best to let somepony else go first. "Alright then, go ahead miss awesome."

"Fine then, I will!"

Sweetie Belle and Applebloom stared at her. She remained motionless, sitting above a case of cider, bottle opener in hoof.

"Here I go." She removed a bottle from the case and set it in front of her.

Sweetie Belle made a 'go on' gesture with her forehooves.

"This is it." Scootaloo picked the bottle up in her other hoof. "I'm going... To open... The bottle..." She inched the bottle opener toward the cap as slowly as can be.

Finally, Applebloom had had enough. "Oh buck this!" The other crusaders were shocked at her language, but that shock was nothing compared to the shock at what she did next. Applebloom grabbed a cider from the nearest case, bit the cap with her teeth, and ripped it off, taking a large swig from the bottle.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo stared at her in silence. Sweetie recovered first. "Gimme that bottle opener." She snatched the bottle opener from Scootaloo's grip and in one smooth motion grabbed and opened a bottle. Deciding to follow Applebloom's example, she took a large gulp from the bottle.

By this time, Scootaloo's mind had processed what had happened, and she had realized she was last. She hated being last in anything. She needed to make up for being last, and there was only one way to do that. "Sweetie! Toss me that bottle opener!" Sweetie Belle obliged. Scootaloo snatched up a bottle while the opener was in the air. Then, with the grace of a dancer, she caught the opener, popped off the cap, and proceeded to chug down half the bottle. It tasted good, but made her throat and stomach feel tingly, and had a strange aftertaste she couldn't quite place.

Sweetie and Applebloom cheered at Scootaloo's display. When they were finished, the three fillies sat there in silence. "So... ya'll feel anything yet?" Applebloom asked. The other two fillies shook their heads. "Maybe we did somethin' wrong."

"Nah, we just need to drink more of it." At Scootaloo's suggestion the crusaders clinked their bottles together and began to drink them in earnest.

Applebloom was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol. "Girls, girls, hey girls," The other crusaders turned to her slowly, also beginning to feel strange. "Ah think we might be changin' into adults now."

"What makes you say that Applebloom?" Sweetie Belle asked as she put down her third empty bottle.

Applebloom and Scootaloo both slammed down their third bottles at the same time, before Applebloom spoke. "Well, I'm startin' to feel funny. When I move my head it goes all... Whoooooo." She began to wave her forehooves to illustrate her point.

"I know what'cha mean." Scootaloo answered. "But Dash seems to love the stuff, so this feeling must be a good thing."

"Chugging contest go!" Sweetie Belle's exclamation caught the other two crusaders off guard, and with their reduced reaction time, this gave Sweetie Belle a distinct head start on her fourth bottle. They weren't about to let something as silly as basic logic stop them though, and they immediately began trying to catch up.

It was no use, however, as Sweetie still finished before them. She then heaved a massive sigh and threw her bottle out the window. Or rather, in the direction of the window. It ended up smashing against the wall transforming from a bottle into a small pile of dangerously sharp glass.

Applebloom and Scootaloo failed to notice this until they had both finished their bottles, and gently set them down. "What the hay Sweetie!?" Applebloom exclaimed, while Scootaloo just gave Sweetie Belle a hoof-bump. "We gotta clean this up before my sister finds it."

"Oh horseapples! You're right Applebloom." Scootaloo shouted. "What're we gonna do?! Applejack's gonna find this, and then she'll tell the headmistress, and then the headmistress will tell Rainbow Dash, and then," She gasped. "Rainbow Dash will be disappointed in me!"

"Uh, Rarity can't find out either." Sweetie Belle chimed in. "Breaking glass is not very ladylike."

Applebloom decided to take charge. "That settles it then. We gotta get rid of the evidence." All three crusaders nodded in agreement. "Let's gather up all the shards into a bag, and then bury it."

Deciding that this was a good plan, they each opened another bottle and set to work. Applebloom grabbed a canvas bag from the corner while Sweetie Belle used a broom to create a pile from the loose glass. Scootaloo was just rolling on the floor off to the side. She had her bottle of cider next to her and would stop every couple of seconds to take a sip, but other than that she really wasn't doing much.

In short order the glass had all been placed into the bag, including the rest of the empties because the girls had kind of forgotten what they were doing, and the bag had been tied shut. The crusaders were always taught not to waste, well aside from Scootaloo, she wasn't taught much of anything, on account of being an unloved orphan. Regardless, they unanimously agreed that they should finish off their fifth drinks before departing. That way they could bring their sixth with them, and all three cases of cider would be empty. Waste not, want not.

It didn't take them long to finish their drinks, and in a couple minutes they were ready to go. Applebloom volunteered to carry the sack of broken glass, and Scootaloo took point. The first obstacle they ran into was the ramp leading down from the clubhouse.

Scootaloo smirked. This was her chance to prove just how awesome she could be. "I got this." And with that she charged forward at full speed, letting out a ferocious victory cry.

This is for Rainbow Dash.

With that thought, and a smile on her face, she sped off the edge about three feet to the left of the ramp. The other crusaders stared in shock at the space their friend had occupied a moment before. They cautiously crept over to the ledge and peeked down. They couldn't see anything but bushes. Sweetie Belle decided to try another approach to determining the condition of the lost crusader.

"Yo Scootaloo!" She shouted down. "Y'alright?"

There was no answer.

"I'm sure she's fine." Applebloom assured Sweetie Belle, patting her on the shoulder. "But c'mon we got a mission to complete, and we can't let one casualty stop us."

"But I thought you said she was fine."

"And she is." Applebloom nodded sagely. "Why, she's probably up in pony heaven right now, watchin' us with her parents, just hoping we can complete the mission, and prevent me from getting in trouble."

"So what d'ya say Sweetie Belle? Are ya with me? For Scootaloo."

Sweetie nodded in agreement and held her bottle out for Applebloom to clink her own against. Applebloom did.
"For Scootaloo!" They said in unison.

Then their mission began for real. They made their way down the ramp, really not that hard when not running like a madmare, and set off toward Ponyville to find a good burial site for the sack of glass. As they walked, sipping from they're drinks, Applebloom tried to start a conversation.

"You know what Sweetie Belle? To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, And I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad"

Sweetie Belle stared blankly for half a minute before she responded. "Yeah, that would do it."

No more needed to be said.

They were now entering Ponyville proper, and decided it was time for stealth. The two crusaders ran to the nearest building, and took cover against the wall. Sweetie Belle peered around the corner.

"See anything?" Applebloom asked from her hiding spot.

"What am I looking for?"

"I dunno. Anything."

"Oh, okay." Sweetie scanned the immediate area for signs of anything. "Nah, I don't see anything at all."

"Phew, that's relief." Applebloom sighed. "Let's get rid of this evidence, then we can go find Scoots' body. We'll have to burn it.

"What?! Why?!" Sweetie Belle looked horrified.

"Well do you wanna be the one who explains why there's a dead filly at the clubhouse?"

"Oh yeah. I guess you're right. But first let's take care of the broken glass."

"What should we do with it?"

"I know! Rarity has all these chests full of gems." Sweetie began to look increasingly excited as her plan formed in her mind. "Let's just sneak in, find a chest of diamonds, and put the glass in there!"

Applebloom was floored. This was the most ingenious plan she had ever heard. "Sweetie Belle, you're amazing. Let's do it!"

They moved to set the plan into motion, but as they passed Sugarcube Corner, they heard a noise inside. It sounded like somepony was rummaging around in there. And at closer examination, the front door was found to be ajar. Deciding this warranted a postponement of their plans for further investigation, they entered the Corner.

The first thing they noticed was a light on in the kitchen. As they crept closer they could definitely make out the sound of somepony in there. It sounded like they were going through cupboards, and making a mess of it. They each approached one side of the door, Applebloom on the left, Sweetie Belle on the right. They looked each other in the eyes, downed the last bit of their bottles, and nodded.

"Alright freeze!" Sweetie shouted as the two fillies leapt into the room. "Put your hooves up and we won—" She cut off, and her and Applebloom both stopped dead in their tracks when they saw who was in the room with them.
Applebloom managed to find her voice. "You're supposed to be dead!"

"Sorry to disappoint." Scootaloo replied coolly. She then moved faster than the girls could react and delivered a vicious punch straight to Applebloom's jaw. Applebloom flew back and slammed into the wall, denting it, and dropping the sack of glass to the floor.

Sweetie Belle was shocked by this, but managed to react when Scootaloo lashed out with a one-legged buck at her stomach. She jumped back, then grabbed a plate off the counter and threw it at Scootaloo. The pegasus rolled to the side, the plate shattering against a counter behind her.

Sweetie turned around to grab another plate, but Scootaloo made a flying leap straight over her, landing on the counter with a smirk, shattering several plates underhoof. Sweetie barely managed to duck Scootaloo's punch before she rolled backwards, forcing her opponent to dismount the counter to engage.

Scootaloo did, and Sweetie went on the attack. She opened with a flurry of forehooves, which Scootaloo blocked. But it threw her slightly off balance. Giving Sweetie just the opening she needed, she did a forward half-roll, ending up on her back underneath the orange filly. She then lashed out with all four hooves, sending the light-weight pegasus sailing through the air and landing hard on a counter across the room, smashing through it, and ending up inside a cupboard built in to the counter.

Sweetie got to her hooves, but before she could even begin to celebrate, she heard a scuffling sound behind her. She instinctively jumped forward narrowly avoiding Applebloom's flying forehoof stomp, which caused two hoof shaped craters in the floor. Sweetie spun around to face Applebloom, but the farm filly didn't give her time to prepare for the next attack. She shot out a lightning quick buck, hitting Sweetie Belle in the chest and sending her flying across the kitchen. Sweetie managed to recover into a roll, and avoid slamming into anything, sliding to a stop on her hooves.

The two fillies stared each other down for a moment before they both charged, each letting out a battle cry. Before they reached each other Applebloom was tackled from the side by an orange blur. They rolled across the floor before hitting a shelf, knocking down several baking ingredients. Scootaloo came out on top and began to rain down blows on Applebloom, who couldn't block them all, and was taking a beating. Sweetie Belle looked around, then smiled as she spotted a rolling pin. She grabbed it in her hooves and made her way over to the other two fillies, when they all stopped at a sound.

An upstairs door had opened. The three fillies shared a terrified look, and bolted outside, Applebloom only slowing down to grab the sack with the glass. When they got outside they continued running until Sugarcube Corner was out of sight.

Finally, when they were sure they were safe, Sweetie Belle spoke up. "So, why'd you attack us Scootaloo?"

Scootaloo laughed, then shrugged. "I 'unno. It seemed like a good idea at the time."

The three fillies shared a huge laugh. When they were finally able to form words again, Scootaloo continued.
"I gotta say though, you can really kick, Sweetie Belle!"

Sweetie blushed. "Oh, thanks, but I'm nothing. It took me all four legs to do what Applebloom here did with two."
"Yeah that was pretty cool." Scootaloo beamed.

Applebloom then joined in. "But that's some mean tackle you got there Scoots. And when you get somepony to the ground, you don't let up."

The three fillies continued walking, laughing, and complementing each other's fighting style until the Carousel Boutique came into view.

"Well, here we are." Applebloom stated, as if that statement could ever be false.

Scootaloo looked over to Applebloom. "Here, gimme the bag."

"What? Why?"

"Because you and Sweetie Belle have been having all the fun without me, and I wanna contribute."

Applebloom though it over for a moment. "I suppose that makes sense. Alright then here ya go." She hoofed over the bag to Scootaloo before continuing. "So do ya know the plan?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure. How hard could it be?" Scootaloo waved a forehoof.

"Pretty hard, actually." Sweetie Belle piped up. "First you have to know where the chests are, then—"

She was cut off by Scootaloo's shout as she ran toward the boutique. With a mighty battle-cry she lifted the sack above her head, and threw it through the front window of the boutique. Glass shattered loudly, and spilled out onto the street, and into the store itself. Scootaloo took several heaving breaths before turning around and running back to the other crusaders, who were standing there with their mouths agape. "C'mon girls we gotta get outta here!"

Even in their shocked state, they couldn't help but agree. All three girls bolted from the scene as fast as their legs could carry them. Scootaloo started laughing hard, and before long the others joined in. Not long after that, they had forgotten what they were laughing about, but it must have been something hilarious.

They began making their way back to the clubhouse. As they passed a random house Applebloom and Scootaloo ran up and knocked on the door, while Sweetie Belle watched and giggled further down the road. The two pranksters tried to run away afterwards, but Scootaloo stumbled and fell, causing her to still be in sight when a mint green unicorn mare opened the door.

"Oh my! A little filly." The unicorn exclaimed. She stepped out of her house, revealing a cutie mark of some sort of stringed instrument. "Are you alright little one? Are you lost?"

Scootaloo didn't know what to do. She couldn't be caught! That would make her a lame prankster. And Dash would never love a lame prankster. However, for some reason, her mind was having trouble formulating an escape plan. What she eventually decided to do was not her best plan ever. But it did work.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Scootaloo screamed at the top of her lungs. This caused the mare to flinch back, and in that moment Scootaloo ran as fast as she could. She ran and ran. Down the road until she saw two small equine shapes ahead. Wondering if they were out to get her too, she decided not to take chances, and unleashed another sonic attack as she got to close range.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" She shouted into the face of the yellow one with red hair.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Applebloom shouted back, startled half to death.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sweetie Belle, feeling left out, decided to add her own voice to the chorus.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" All three shouted in harmony, for a full ten seconds.

When they finally quieted down, Scootaloo got a good look at the faces of the other two crusaders. "Oh, uh... Hi girls."

They just stared back at her. "Hey yerself." Applebloom greeted.

"Hi!" Sweetie cheerfully said.

They stood in silence a moment longer before turning as one and heading back in the direction of the clubhouse.

When they finally arrived, they all got in the sleeping bags provided by Applejack for the crusader sleepover, and started to drift off to sleep. Before any of them could enter dreamland however, Scootaloo spoke up.

"Hey girls?"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah?"

Scootaloo paused, feeling the presence of bruising all over her back, and in four hoof shaped circles on her front. She felt the dirt in her mane due to her quick transport from the clubhouse to the ground. She felt where the glass had cut her forehooves through the sack when she thrown it through the boutique window.

Applebloom examined her own injuries, a black eye was already starting to develop, and her jaw felt a little loose. She thought of the damage to the Cake's kitchen. The wall destroyed by her body hitting it, the smashed counter, all those dishes. She thought of her frantic plan to burn Scootaloo's body.

Sweetie Belle thought of the Carousel Boutique, now missing it's front window. She thought of the nasty twin bruises brought on by Applebloom's buck. She thought of smashing her bottle against the wall, starting them on their ill-advised quest to begin with.

The girls thought of all these things, but simply couldn't bring themselves to care. Maybe tomorrow would be different, but tonight, they couldn't care less. As a matter of fact, all they could do at this point was laugh. After several moments of laughter, Scootaloo remembered that she was asking a question.

"It's been a funny sort of day hasn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

Author's Note

So... here this is.
Look, I wrote this entire thing while completely drunk.
I edited it while sober to remove as many errors as possible.
But I'm just saying, this story is silly.
Also, I do not endorse underage drinking.