PonyFall: Mile High Apple Pie

by Cowboy Appledash

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Adventure, Human, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 29194

SHTF Applejack along with the rest of the mane 6 and then some end up on earth.

After a rather disappointing battle with Discord, Applejack ends up on Earth and is found by a funny-looking brony named Garrett. Trials and tribulations may occur, but the question is: can she get back to her friends and find a way back home?

Published 2012-11-14 14:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-12 06:49:11 UTC

Prologue

Ponyfall: Mile High Apple Pie

Prologue

Spring, a season of new life and the gate to warm weather. Newborn critters followed their mothers from their dens or sat contentedly in their nests, eagerly awaiting their next meal. Trees showed new leaves, proudly displaying their abundance to all. Some even began to bear fruit early on. Many in particular stood tall and firm, planted deep in the soil of Sweet Apple Acres.

All of them were under the careful watch of one Applejack, a pony that knew each tree by heart and cared for them like family, nurturing each one with a green hoof and motherly love; something only a true earth pony could do. After all, she didn’t wear three apples on her flank for nothing. It was her Celestia-given talent, and if that wasn’t enough, she loved it. Every part of her life on the farm was a pseudo-ecstasy for her.

“By golly Jasper, ya done started early!” Applejack praised one tree in particular that was already showing signs of an abundance of Norland Apples. Of course, the tree didn’t respond. It couldn’t, but that didn’t stop the farm pony from showing her gratitude. “Why, if Ah didn’t know any better, Ah’d say you were flirtin’ with me.”

Moving on, Applejack approached yet another tree. Examining it carefully, she took note of everything about it: the color of it’s bark, the color of the leaves. She even went as far as to kick it to make sure it wasn’t in a sickly condition that might spoil the apples it would bear. After all, Sweet Apple Acres was driven by quality, and every tree, apple, leaf and product they were made into had to be perfect.

“Lookin’ good Buford!”

She resumed this routine for a good hour until she reached her final tree of the day, one she lovingly dubbed ‘Bloomington.’ Yet as she came closer, something seemed... off.

“Bloomington, ya’ll doin’ alright?” Edging closer, she noticed the tree somehow looked reflective. “What in the hay...?” she muttered. Bringing up a hoof, she tapped the tree.

She had expected a soft thud from contact, yet she was met with nothing but spongy relief. “That, just ain’t right.” Sensing something was up, she glanced around. All the trees looked odd now, almost as if they weren’t real tree’s anymore. She looked at Bloomington one more time before she turned around to buck at ‘his’ trunk.

Applejack positioned herself in line with the tree, quickly brought her hind hooves up, and bucked hard. She didn’t get the resounding ‘THWACK’ she had hoped for. Instead, the tree gave in, bending at her force. Before she could realize what had happened, it sprang back into place, sending her airborne and into a rather ungraceful faceplant.

Suddenly she heard screaming and crying. Lots of it, from all around her. She pushed herself up and looked around. The trees each held dozens of apples with... mouths? They were screaming at her, terrorizing the poor orange mare almost to the point of tears.

“Please help us!”

“Oh woe is me!”

“Applejack! We’re scared!”

“No no no no no, this can’t be happenin’.” She panicked. “This has ta be some kinda messed up dream!”

“It hurts!”

“My stem is broken!”

Of course, life in Equestria is not always so nice and forgiving. In the vain attempt to check for reality, Applejack punched herself with a forehoof. The pain was real; it wasn’t a dream. To make things worse, there was only one logical explanation, if you could call it that, for what was going on.

“Discord...” Applejack broke out into a dead gallop toward Ponyville. She had to find her friends and Apple Bloom, and make sure they were all safe.

~

After she had met up with Twilight Sparkle, she and the purple unicorn set about to find their other four accomplices. First came Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, the former being carried by the prismatic pegasus after her house had gone from simple cottage to sentient, fat, fire-breathing dragon. Then came Rarity, looking rather odd being wrapped in licorice and coated in ice cream, who was found near her home-turned-tacky-saddle. Finally came Pinkie Pie, prodding glumly at the crumbs that had once been Sugarcube Corner.

With everypony found, and Apple Bloom sent off to safety, Twilight Sparkle led Applejack and her friends to where she could sense their Princess was located.

They had all hoped to find Discord seized by the Princesses of Day and Night. Their hopes, however, had been crushed. On the ground lay a battered and beaten Princess Celestia. Within the grasp of Discord was Princess Luna, struggling fruitlessly against the grip of the Deity of Disorder.

“Oh, now isn’t this so very delightful,” he bellowed, casting a wicked grin from Celestia to Applejack and the other five Elements. “I do hope you didn’t really think that brute force could overcome my stunning wit and charm.”

Her heart sank. If anypony could beat Discord, it was Celestia and yet, somehow, she hadn’t. It was catastrophic.

“Do my words not impress you?” Discord wailed, dramatically heaving his free arm out wide, expressing his fake distress at an overly thespian-esque level. “What about my latest interpretation of Ponyville, hmm? Does it not scream chaos?” His expression of anguish faded to that of apathy, shattering any hope the ponies had. “Very well then. I suppose I’ll just have to make things more interesting for you all.”

With his free arm still cast out wide, he summoned a pink flame of chaotic magic, taking a brief moment to admire it’s power. He then thrust his paw at Luna, making his intentions certain to all that he was, in fact, not fooling around.

Rainbow Dash bolted forth. If Loyalty hadn’t been her thing, bravery certainly would be. She was too slow, however, for when Discords magic made contact with Luna’s muzzle, things went haywire. A magical pink aura exploded from her essence as she transmogrified from full grown mare to filly, then vanished completely.

“Oh for the love of...” Discord deplored as he too, was engulfed in the pink explosion.

“Sister!” the Princess of the Sun cried.

Rainbow Dash was next to go. She refused to slow down, and flew straight into the growing mass, disappearing before Applejack’s eyes.

“Run, my little ponies,” Celestia pleaded.

“You heard the princess,” she heard Rarity say as she stood by Twilight, who was casting some sort of spell. “Let’s get out of here.”

Applejack didn’t need to be told twice. She bolted, looking back only once to see if the others were following. To her dismay, one by one, Celestia, Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy, and then Pinkie Pie were consumed.

“NO!” Applejack wailed. She turned back. She had to be with her friends, no matter what. Charging headlong into the storm, she tensed for impact. As the pink essence enveloped her, she felt nothing, and all she saw was a flash of white, and then blackness.

Cornology

PonyFall: Mile High Apple Pie

Cornology

April 13th, 2012

Sleep, wake up, browse the internet, play video games, browse more of the internet, eat dinner, more internet, then sleep again. Throw in a dip or a cigarette, maybe a can of Coke into that order of excessive boredom to mix things up every now and again. Repeat this routine every day for more than a month and it begins to wear away at your sanity, and even your social life. Assuming you had one in the first place.

Unfortunately, this day was no exception, whether I liked it or not. So as usual I got up, threw some clothes on, and went upstairs for my mandatory ‘coffee and cigarettes’. The sky was bleak yet again, with only a few clouds dotting the blue expanse. I had decided to check the date on my phone and soon found out that it was April 13th, four days since I turned nineteen. With a grunt, I stood up and put my cigarette out, then drained the last of my coffee and trudged back downstairs.

Figuring it best I go out to find a job, I took my shirt off and grabbed a new one from my dresser. One that just so happened to be my Rainbow Dash t-shirt with ‘COME AT ME BRO’ printed on it. Yes, I’ll admit it. I’m a brony. A deviant from the definition of masculinity. Say what you will, I’m not afraid. And I’ll be damned if it’ll stop me from going out and getting a job today! Look out world, here I come! All of my sexiness for your viewing pleasure!

I put the shirt on, along with my leather jacket, vest, boots, and chaps. All in all, I looked like your run of the mill, ugly-as-sin biker. My red bandanna tied like a 'do-rag' just happened to top it all off. I know, I know, I'm just the pinnacle of manhood and physical attractiveness, right? If that's not enough to make the ladies swoon, my other addiction is that touchdown pass. Copenhagen Longcut, the good stuff, puts hair on your chest. If you don't know what that is, let me dull it down: it's chewing tobacco.

So there I was, standing in the garage, looking at the beautiful beast of a machine. My father’s 2009 Harley Davidson 1500cc Dyna, 'Fat Bob'. Sexy bike, let me tell you. This machine not only sports a race tuner which amps up the torque and horsepower, but also drag pipes (Which help with performance, but are mostly for making a bunch of racket and grabbing people’s attention), and a pair of ape-hangers. I opened the garage door and took my rightful place on the bike. I put up the kickstand, turned on the ignition, hit the start button, popped it into gear, and off I went to search for a job.

~

As it turns out, nobody wants to even consider hiring a kid that scoots around on a loud-as-hell motorcycle and dresses in full riding leathers. With one final 'F-U-Salute' to the wonderful shithole of Greeley, I left and headed south down highway 85. Just me, the bike, the open road, and a clear pink sky... Yep, gotta love a good pink, wait... pink?

“That ain't right,” I said to myself as I pulled the machine over onto the shoulder. Turning the engine off, I looked back at the sky; it was somehow beyond any and all redneck comprehension, set ablaze with a flashing facade of pink. 'What a Beautiful Day' my ass, Mr. Cagle. This isn't natural, it ain't right, and something smells like weird-ass chocolate, or fudge, or whatever the hell it is kids eat nowadays.

Could it be that I had stopped by a corn field, and somehow advancements in the science of cornology had invented a chocolate corn species that made the atmosphere appear pink to any who smelled it?

Well, only one way to find out! Go into the field, look at the corn and taste it... like an idiot. But can it ever really be that simple? No it can't, you gotta become some sort of ninja. You see, the North American farmer is a very territorial species and, as such, has a sort of 'sixth sense' for anything involving his crops and property.

Stomping down the embankment into the ditch, I noticed the odd smell had grown slightly stronger. Whether this was a good or bad thing was beyond me. Nonetheless, I trudged onward following the smell. A few minutes later I was in the middle of the field and the scent was starting to give me a headache.

“Okay, maybe this guy is using some kinda funky fertilizer.”

So I ventured forth some more, driven by curiosity and that slight sense of danger we all crave in life. It wasn't long before I saw the sky light up once more, granting me an odd feeling of dread. I pushed a few more ears of corn to the side and looked down to see a foot. No socks, no shoes, nothing. It even looked surprisingly clean, given its location. My hand instinctively edged forward to poke it; I was an inch away from touching it when it twitched.

I won't lie, this scared the piss out of me.

So like any self-respecting man, I jumped back, tripped over my own feet, landed flat on my back, and refrained from squealing like a stuck pig. I quickly got up and scooted a little farther away, staying as quiet as possible to listen for anything weird.

As they say, 'the plot thickens.’ My mind was racing with thoughts of what the foot was doing there. Had the owner been drugged and raped in a corn field? It wasn’t unlikely given the massive amounts of illogical illegal Mexican immigrants running around Greeley, but that still didn't explain the fudgey odor. Maybe there was some sort of 'party in the cornfield'? After a quick glimpse around, I noticed the only tracks around were my own, and option B was out of the question. What else could there possibly be? I've never heard of skydiving in this area, and the closest airport was all the way in Fort Collins or something like that, so I tossed that idea out the window.

When all else fails, attempt interrogation. I once again made my way toward the foot, but I didn't stop there, I crept forward some more and let my eyes trace the foot up the length of the body. I soon found out that said foot belonged to a girl. A fully naked girl to be precise. I won't lie here, I had some pretty indecent thoughts run through my head, and I damn near acted on them. But my moral conscience got the better of me, forcing me to try and wake the girl up and attempt to help. All of this ran through my head while trying to ignore, in what my opinion, is the absolute perfect body for a chick to have. But I won't go into detail.

“Hey, Freckles,” I said. I had decided that would be her nickname for the time being since she was damn near covered in them. “Y’alright?”

No response. I scooted up to her side and examined her body. Not a single scratch or misplaced hair as far as I could tell. The only thing that seemed out of place was her. There were no clues as to how she got here, and she looked too clean to be homeless. Hell, even her hair looked damn-near perfect. It was long and blonde in a sorta weird ponytail with bangs. She had it tied with a little red hairband down near the very bottom. The style itself seemed vaguely familiar, I just couldn’t place a finger on it.

I placed my hand on her forehead; she didn’t feel hot or cold. I reached down and opened one of her eyes. Once open, I took notice of their vivid emerald green color and the way her pupils dilated. Her other eye then flew open, cue dilating pupil number two, and I was now fully aware that she was alive and breathing and about to whoop my ass.

“Augh!”

Lo and behold the new martial art of Who-Da-Hell-Are-You Kung Fu.

“Whoa, calm down there Sally.”

“Get away from me ya monster!” She was now in some weird bear-crawl position that reminded me of my days in football.

“What part of ‘calm the heck down’ don’t you understand, woman?”

“Don’t come near me, Ah’m warnin’ ya!”

“Warning me? Bitch I’m trying to figure out why you reek of fudge and why you were passed out in the middle of a god damn cornfield.”

“Ya’ll ain’t foolin’ me,” she growled through clenched teeth. “Ya’ll ain’t a pony, which means Ah don’t trust ya.”

“Well no shit I ain’t a horse. Neither are you for that matter.”

But you’re skittish like one I thought to myself.

“Yes Ah am, see this?” She raised her hand up and showed it to me “This here’s a hoo-” She stopped talking and stared at her hand, looking scared out of her wits.

“A hand,” I stated.

“What did ya’ll do to me? Where’s mah hooves?” she demanded.

“I didn’t do shi-” She lept forward and her hand, which was now a fist, made direct contact with my face. I can honestly say, it could have easily passed for a hoof.

“Ya’ll best change me back right now!” She looked extremely pissed despite her awkward way of standing.

“I ain’t a rocket surgeon, how the hell do you expect me to change you into something you ain’t?”

She lunged again, this time I managed to move out of the way. Believe it or not, she could hit better than some guys I knew. But she obviously wasn’t a very coordinated fighter, which gave me a good opening that even Captain Obvious would refuse to point out. I came up behind her, brought my right arm around her neck and placed my left hand on the back of her head, grabbed my left forearm with my right hand and locked. A move known as the ‘rear naked choke’, which was a fairly appropriate title given the situation. I brought my legs up around her waist and locked my feet, then fell backward. She wasn’t going anywhere now, and if she put up too much of a fight, I could easily incapacitate her.

“Now would you calm down and tell me what the hell you’re doin’ out here? I ain’t trying to hurt you, but if you don’t knock it off I’ll be forced to.” I gave a slight squeeze, letting her know I meant business.

“Ah don’t know! Let go of me!” she screamed.

“Bullshit. What’s your name?”

“A-Applejack.” She struggled some more, trying to free herself.

“More bullshit. I ain’t playin’ around here.”

“Ah ain’t lyin’.”

“And I’m the Queen of England,” I droned.

“How do Ah prove Ah’m tellin’ the truth?”

“By doing just that, telling the truth.” She was still struggling, and I was getting worn out.

“AH AM TELLIN’ THE TRUTH!” She finally gave in and stopped moving. “Please just leave me be. Ah need to go find RD an’ Twi an’ all them.”

“RD an Twi?”

She sighed. “Rainbow Dash an’ Twilight Sparkle. Two of mah best friends.”

“Either you’re a damn good liar or you’re the real thing,” I said, skepticism clearly evident in my voice.

“Of course Ah’m the real thing, how else would Ah be me an’ know mah friends?”

Call it faith, call it stupidity, call it whatever you want. I let go and rolled her off of me. “Prove it.”

“How?”

“Give me a damn good reason why you're claiming to be a talking horse after I found you naked in a cornfield reeking of fudge and bullshit.”

She sat there quietly without saying a word. I figured she was taking her time trying to piece everything together, so I decided to shorten my natural life a bit more via a ‘cancer stick’. I had to admit, with the way she talked, how her voice sounded, some of her physical features and her strength, she was fairly convincing. But as far as I could tell she could've just been some whacked out cosplayer who happens to be a weightlifter or something.

“Tell ya what. We'll head on back to my house.” I paused and gave her a quick once-over. “Let’s get you cleaned up and hopefully sober you up from whatever the hell it is you're on.”

“So ya'll trust me?”

“No, I'm just giving you the benefit of the doubt for now.” I stood up and began taking my leathers off when I caught her staring wide-eyed at my chest. “Am I suddenly Channing Tatum or somethin’? Quit staring my chest, woman.”

“Why do ya'll got a picture of Rainbow on your... whatever that thing is?”

“Cause I like her, that’s why. Now put this on, last thing we need is you revealing yourself to the world.” I tossed my jacket to her, figuring if she was a normal person she'd be able to put it on without any problems. As it turned out, she didn't have the first clue how to put it on. “Well?”

“How do Ah put it on?”

“Put your arms through the sleeves an’ there ya go. Simple ain't it?” She did as I instructed, with some difficulty.

“Ah don't think this is right.” She had the damn thing on backward, which I don't know how she managed.

“You've got it on backward, that's why,” I snickered.

BANG!

“Shit, gotta go. Come on!” I grabbed her arm and led her back the way I came, fighting the leaves on the cornstalks all the way. By the way, here's a bit of a pro-tip: don't go running through a cornfield like a bat outta hell. As it turns out, those leaves are pretty sharp. It didn't help that she was stumbling all over the place, either. Suffice to say, I was struggling. Almost as if she had just got a brand new pair of legs and didn't know how to walk.

“What's goin' on? Where ya'll takin' me?” Applejack inquired.

“We ain't welcome in that cornfield no more, and Doctor Farmer Dude has a gun.” I looked back to try and get a general understanding of where the farmer was with no luck. All I heard was him shouting something unintelligible behind me, which was enough motivation for me to pick up the pace. Crikey! This bugger’s a mad one ain’t he?

We made it to the edge of the field and I looked around, nervously trying to find the bike. I must be pretty damn blind or just plain stupid, as I didn't see it anywhere. That is, until I looked directly in front of me. I led the crazy female over to the motorcycle and got on.

I pointed to the spot behind me. “Alright, sit right here and hold on to me. Got it?” She nodded and, after some fumbling, finally got on. I started the bike, hit the kickstand and gunned it. For the first time ever I was scared for my life. Not because I was being threatened by a gun, but because I was stupid enough to make a half-naked girl get on the back of a motorcycle with me, then ride down the highway throwing caution and common decency to the wind.

A/N: Blame TheSlorg for this turning out better than it should have. He's a fantastic editor and really knows how to edumacate a redneck like me.

Flavors to Ask

PonyFall: Mile High Apple Pie

Flavors to Ask

April 13th, 2012

Some people can't handle the truth, some people can, and I strive to speak the truth at all times regardless of how it may affect somebody. This time was no exception. I think it's a safe assumption that 'Applejack' wasn't exactly a fan of motorcycles, and there's good reason for this assumption might I add.

I had just pulled into the garage and killed the engine when I noticed something odd. The girl I was with wasn't moving at all. Her arms were still clamped tightly around my midsection and her breathing was quick and unsteady. After much effort I got off and turned to look at her. I had to stifle a laugh as I saw her with the way she sat unmoving. The best way to describe it would be she resembled a paralyzed crab.

“Come on now, rides over,” I said. “Let's get you inside.”

“O-okay... Wha-what in tarnation was all that?” she asked.

“Which part? The ride, the running, or the bang?”

“All of it.” She slowly got off the bike and collapsed onto the ground.

“To put it simply?” I shrugged my jacket off and hung it on the wall. “Mister Doctor Farmer-Dude done got pissed that we were in his cornfield. So he pulled out his trusty ‘Double Barreled Back Scratcher’ an’ went to bustin’ caps. So we booked it on back here to keep our asses free of hot lead. Any more questions?”

“Ah think that's it... Wait, what's your name? Ah never did ask.”

“Garrett,” I told her. “Son of Eric, lover of bikes. So on and so forth.”

“Well, uh, nice to meet'cha Ah s'pose.” She was still visibly shaken, but did her best to keep her composure.

“Ditto. Anyway, you hungry or thirsty or somethin'?” I opened the door and led her wobbling through the door into the kitchen. She nearly slipped on the tile a few times, but I was there to catch her each time. “Got water, milk, tea, Coke...” I opened the refrigerator and peered inside for a second, “Beer.”

“Ah could go for some water.” I nodded and grabbed a Coors from the fridge and a cup from the cupboard. I filled the cup with some water from the faucet and offered it to her. She stared blankly at the cup before asking the oddest question yet. “How uh... how do Ah hold it?”

I sighed and grabbed her hand. “Like this.” Opening her fingers, I placed the cup in her hand and closed her digits around it. She nodded and I watched as she drained the cup. “If you want any more just come on over here and use the sink.” I lifted the handle on the faucet, showing her how it worked, then shut it off.

She said nothing, so I led her into the main room and motioned for her to sit down on one of the couches. “Just sit tight for a bit, I'm gonna check in on some stuff and try to find you some clothes. If you want, you can kick back for a bit an’ get some rest.” She nodded once again and sat back in silence.

“Also, don’t be scared of Dozer. He’ll just lick you to death.” As if on cue, Dozer, our German Rottweiler, came stumbling out of my grandparents bedroom. I smiled and made my way downstairs, disregarding the ever-friendly hound and his antics.

Throwing open my curtain doorway, I walked over to my desk and sat down. I retrieved my phone from my pocket and went through my contact list till I found Chris. I pressed the call button and waited, all the while his ringtone ‘Kick It In the Sticks’ by Brantley Gilbert played. I was just about to hang up when he finally answered.

‘Hey there pretty lady.’ He sounded from over the phone.

“What are you wearing?” I questioned him nonchalantly.

‘Oh you know, jeans, boots, shirt, stuff like that.’

“Yeah I kinda figured.” I sighed and rubbed my temple a bit. “Chris, I got a favor to ask. Think you can put Sam on the phone?”

‘Uh... Why?’

“I just gotta ask her if she can help me out with something.”

‘Okalie dokalie...” I heard him put the phone down and commence to yelling for his sister. A short moment later, she picked up.

‘Garrett?’ she queried.

“Yep. Listen, Sam, I got a flavorto ask you.”

‘Sure, what is it?’

“You think I might be able to borrow some of your clothes?”

‘Finally coming out of the closet?’ I could hear her stifling a laugh at her witty comment.

“No,” I deadpanned. “I’ve got a bit of a problem over here and let’s just say it needs clothing.”

‘Do I wanna know?’

“Probably not, but just as a precaution, think you can set aside some stuff you don’t wear... including underwear?”

‘I suppose. I’d better get them back though, or I’ll tell everybody about your crossdressing fetish.’ She retorted menacingly.

“Dammit Samantha! I do not have a crossdressing fetish.”

‘Yeah, yeah, whatever.’ I could tell she was amused by the amount of giggling on the other end.

“I’ll be there in a bit,” I told her before I hung up.

I loped up the stairs and watched as my pretty blonde guest sat on the floor playing with Dozer. It was a welcome sight when people, or rather ‘ponies’ in this case, got along with him. A lot of folks, including the police in my town, have been irrationally afraid of him. Hell, even the specially trained K-9 unit dogs pissed themselves when he’d run up to the fence to say ‘hello’.

I smiled slightly and headed into the kitchen to grab the keys to the truck. I took another cigarette for my little trip and went out the door, not bothering to wave goodbye. I got in the truck, keyed the ignition, put her into drive, and went off down the road.

~

Getting to Christopher’s house was easy. Getting his dog Jasmine to shut up, however, wasn’t. I had decided I’d rather not deal with her, and called Chris again. His phone rang for about a minute until he answered.

“Yeah?” Chris asked as he answered the phone.

“I’m outside the house right now, can you get Jazzie to shut up?”

“Sure. I’ll see you in a second.”

“Later,” I said, then hung up the phone.

I crawled out of the truck and began making my way around the house and into the back where Chris would soon be to keep Jazz quiet. I could hear him open the door and set to keeping her occupied while I rounded the corner.

“Why does she hate me?”

“Hell if I know, dude. How ya been?” He stood up and offered his hand, which I shook. As always, I made sure to squeeze extra hard just to mess with him.

“I been good mate.” Stifling a laugh at his pained expression, I soon let go. “Trimac still screwing you over?”

“Yep.” He shook his head and went to open the door.

“Is Abbie in there?” Abigail is Christopher’s little sister. Putting it bluntly, she’s a witch; the kind that likes to show off her My Little Pony coloring book. And not the good ponies either, I’m talking Generation 3 spawns of Satan.

“Nah, she went into town with Mom an’ Jessie.” I know he felt my pain as he thought about his younger sister and shuddered.

“Ah I splee.” ‘Splee’ is just a word my friend made up to use instead of ‘see’, “What about Sam an’ Alex?”

“Sam’s downstairs an Alex’s at work,” Chris replied.

“Right on,” I said “Well I’m gonna head down an’ talk to punkass.”

I went down the stairs and straight to Samantha’s room, and just like he had said she was in her room. A series of clothing and random accessories had been strewn across her bed, and that god-awful hip hop music also happened to be blaring from her stereo.

“How many times do I have to tell you that that crap’ll ruin your brain?”

“Garrett!” She exclaimed and rushed up to me arms wide for a hug, to which I obliged. “How’ve you been? I missed you!”

“Been good. So I take it this is what you decided to lend out?” I gestured to the clothes and everything on her bed. She had set aside about five t-shirts, skirts, flannel shirts and blue jeans along with an older pair of boots and ‘the essentials’.

“Yep. So can you tell me what’s really going on ‘Ferret’?” She grinned maliciously after using one of my many nicknames.

“To put it simply,” I sighed, “I found some weird chick bare-beamin’-butt-naked in a cornfield with no idea who or where she was, or who she screwed last Tuesday. So I decided to help her out. First things first, she needs clothes. That’s about it.”

“You’re joking right? Are you stupid or somethin’?” She cocked her head and frowned.

“Yep. Pretty much.” I grinned “Thought you knew this by now.”

“Well yeah I did, but still...” She remained quiet for a moment. “Can we see her?”

Now what good could possibly come out of that situation? Two rednecks and a confused girl poking and prodding a chick who believes to be from a different world? I didn’t have a clue, but it sounded fun. “I don’t see why not. Think you can pack all this up while I go an’ get Chris?”

“No problem, I’ll be up there in a bit.”

With that, I ran back upstairs to find my gopher-toothed buddy. “Oi! Punkass!”

“Yeah?” he called from the kitchen.

I peeked my head around the corner and spotted him rifling through the refrigerator. “You wanna come over to my place for a bit?”

“Sure. You want a Coke or somethin’?”

“Sounds good to me,” I barely finished my sentence when a red can of liquid death came flying at me, which I somehow managed to catch.

We sat and talked for a few minutes before Sam came upstairs. I motioned for the two to come with me and we made our way outside to my truck and got in.

After driving for a short while and just before we came into the city limits of La Salle, I turned down the radio and addressed the two. “By the way, this girl is calling herself ‘Applejack.’ So don’t be surprised when she says her name.”

“Wait, Applejack? As in that ‘My Little Pony’ stuff you watch?” Chris inquired.

“Yep. I’m still skeptical though. Hell, for all I know she could be a whacked out fangirl or somethin’.” I continued down the road and turned onto my street and parked in front of the house.

“You left her here alone?” Sam asked me.

“Nah, she’s got Dozer watchin’ her,” I said as I got out of the truck and walked up to the front door.

I waited for them both to enter before I made my announcement to Applejack. “Got some people for you to meet AJ!”

“Subtle,” Chris commented.

I shrugged it off and noticed ‘AJ’ passed out cold on the floor with Dozer.

“Should we wake her up?” Sam asked me.

“Nah, I’ll just take you two back home. She probably won’t be able to deal with more than one person just yet.”

“Awwww,” Chris whined. “Fine, but we better meet her soon.”

“You will, don’t worry,” I reassured him before ushering them back out the door.

~

After I had dropped Sam and Chris off back at their house, I came right back home. The second I walked through the door I noticed Applejack was still conked out on the floor, so doing what any decent guy would do, I picked her up and laid her down on the couch. I got her a blanket and covered her up just in case somebody decided to stop by.

Once I had that situation figured out, I immediately went downstairs and kicked off my boots. I then sat down my desk and opened up my computer. With nothing better to do, I went to the FimFiction IRC chat, just to see what people were talking about these days...

News & Brews

PonyFall: Mile High Apple Pie

News & Brews

April 13th, 2012

I don’t like warm beer, it tastes like crap and feels kinda weird going down. It’s like a crime against nature when you leave to do something and come home to a warm brew. So, doing what any relatively sane hick would do, I exchanged warm for cold. I love it when those mountains turn blue.

Setting the bottle down on my desk, I opened up a couple of tabs in my Firefox browser. Namely sites like FunnyJunk, Facebook, DeviantArt and FimFiction, but today seemed special, so I opened up Google as well.

It wasn’t long before I grew bored of pilfering through the ‘funny’ content on FJ and got lost in all the crap going around on Facebook, things like ‘emotional statuses’, pictures of friends out having fun, religious propaganda and what have you. DeviantArt hadn’t supplied much creative prowess either, despite its name and Google... didn’t really help if I had nothing to search for. So, I went back to FimFic to observe the hooligans in their natural habitat.

I had decided that the IRC Chat would be my best bet for something interesting, I logged in. I wasn’t sure what to expect, so I just went with it.

[15:27] *** Cowboy_Appledeash has joined #irc-ponies
[15:28] yes, I'm certain... are you alright. You're not seeing like things flying around the room or anything... right
[15:28] I'm sure I'm alright.
[15:28] Which brings me to another question.
[15:28] Howdy howdy ladies.
[15:29] What would you do if you found a pony from Equestria?
[15:29] umm, I am a man... I think
[15:29] lolwut
[15:29] Are you on dope Silverness?
[15:29] umm... probably nothing. Don't really know
[15:29] this brings back the crazy subject.
[15:29] I'm quite sure I ain't.

From the look of things, either ‘Silverness’ was just being hypothetical, or there was something big about to go down.

[15:30] == Chase_Nimble [webchat@3f38bee0.24862c5a.res.rr.com] has quit [Ping timeout: 360 seconds]
[15:30] Crazy subject? Like batshit crazy wearing funny jackets?
[15:30] What about you mister um... Appledash, did you notice the pink skies today?
[15:31] sounds pretty accurate
[15:31] You sure 'bout that? Yeah, I seen pink. What of it?
[15:31] Did you notice anything out of the ordinary?
[15:31] Also smelled some kinda funky chocolatey shit. I figure it's some new weird fertilizer.
[15:31] Yeah, fudge or chocolate right?
[15:32] Not sure which, but probably fudge.

Pink skies and fudge... Nationwide experiment? I certainly hoped so.

[15:32] Pretty much yeah. Also found some weird broad in a cornfield. The best part, she was naked.
[15:32] chocolate fertilizer, both disgusting and delicious
[15:32] So what did you... do?
[15:32] Wait... you found a girl in a cornfield?
[15:33] Shoulda seen the rack on her man. Perfection. Also had a bunch of freckles everywhere.
[15:33] Freckles... Um, did she have a stetson cowboy hat?
[15:33] uh huh, well this is getting a bit more strange...
[15:33] Yeah, I think she was high or somethin'. She's here at my place passed out on the couch.
[15:33] I don't think so, didn't really stop to look for one.
[15:34] Really now? Um, does she have blonde hair?
[15:34] But if you think she needs a hat, I've got a George Strait Resistol she could probably wear.
[15:34] Blonde hair is an affirmative.
[15:34] Strong too, she damn near knocked me out.
[15:35] Wow, must've been a very strong girl.

Captain Obvious is at it again.

[15:35] I'm pretty sure she was on drugs or somethin' ‘cause she was claiming to be Applejack.
[15:36] well that's a load of bull.
[15:36] Gotta hand it to her, she's got the voice down pretty good.
[15:37] That's what I said. I called 'bullshit' at least twenty times.
[15:37] Oh really now? Well that sounds like she was drunk.
[15:37] I probably would have done the same
[15:37] Nah, she didn't reek of booze.
[15:37] Well, I thank you guys for answering my questions, but I need to get back to working at the grill
[15:38] Still smells like that fudgey shit.
[15:38] alright, make sure to see your psychologist
[15:38] Yup, thanks
[15:38] Later.

I got up to go back upstairs when I got pinged on the IRC. I looked back at my screen to find out who it was, turns out it had been Silverness again. I sat back down and opened up the query.

[15:39] Hey man
[15:39] are you there?
[15:40] Yeah...
[15:41] Sorry about querying you, but since you mentioned finding a girl naked in a cornfield claiming to be Applejack; I had to ask.
[15:41] Were you being serious there?

Many things could have been construed from his statements, so I decided to see where his head was at.

[15:41] You gotta fetish for that kinda stuff?
[15:41] Yep, serious as a heart attack. Why?
[15:41] NO
[15:42] I'm just curious

Good answer, Nancy.

[15:42] Uh huh... Pray tell, why are you curious?
[15:42] Well, I'm not sure I should trust you. But, you answered my questions...
[15:43] Shouldn't trust me? Dude, I resisted the urge to fondle a naked chick in a cornfield. I'm pretty sure that qualifies as trustworthy.

Honesty really is the best policy.

[15:44] If you’re telling the truth, you’ve won some points, but that doesn't mean much.
[15:45] Is there a specific reason for all of this?
[15:45] I was curious because today behind my house I found a girl in my backyard.
[15:46] Really now? Let me guess. She had purple hair or somethin' an was claiming to be a pony?
[15:46] not exactly
[15:46] I know April Fools day was a while ago but damn, I think these idiots are a little slow.
[15:46] More like rainbow hair claiming to be Rainbow Dash
[15:46] Bullshit... Did you bang her?
[15:46] WHAT? NO!

I had a feeling that he did, but was too scared to admit he got it on with a crazy chick.

[15:46] I would, she sounds hot.
[15:47] Wow, I think you're being serious.
[15:47] RD is pretty awesome after all.
[15:47] I'm always serious mate.
[15:47] Yeah, she is.
[15:48] So you ain't bullshitting me here. You found a crazy broad claiming to be the best pony?
[15:48] I brought her into my house like you did, but... I think that was the wrong idea in a way.
[15:48] Did she walk around on her hands and feet too?
[15:48] No, I'm not bullshitting you. I found a girl claiming to be the best pony as you say.
[15:49] Well, she did walk on her hands and feet, had a raspy voice, claimed to be Rainbow Dash
[15:49] I swear dude, if she decked you like this one did me, we might have a bit of an issue.

I will admit, this had me a bit concerned. After all, this could all have been just a nationwide scandal to Shanghai the sanity of bronies everywhere, but things seemed to mesh a little too well for that to be the case.

[15:49] Then proceeded to beat the hell out of me... sooo yeah.
[15:49] Jesus Christ. This ain't right.
[15:50] I know right, but she mentioned Discord as if I was with him.
[15:50] If this shit is real, ain't no telling what'll happen.
[15:50] Same here.
[15:50] I'm not sure what to make of it; I had to knock her out, but I think I really hurt my fist doing that.
[15:50] Thing is, I can catch a liar pretty damn quick, and she seemed to be telling the truth.

Call me short on the draw, but I was typing and didn’t see that last message until the last second. This boy is gonna get a few good licks from a switch when I see him.

[15:51] You punched the girl? You want me to whoop your ass now or later?
[15:52] What the hell was I supposed to do?! She was beating me up as if I was trying to kill her!
[15:52] Well, get around her. Don't punch her. Do like I did, and put her in a headlock of some sort.

Who punches a girl? Seriously.

[15:52] I didn't hurt her that bad, only a small cut, which I fixed myself with the first aid kit.
[15:52] Then you interrogate.
[15:52] Actually, I already did that
[15:53] Already did what? Interrogate?
[15:53] She pretty much claimed to be Rainbow Dash, talked about Discord, what happened before she woke up and a small little agreement we made.
[15:53] Which was?

A part of me hoped it involved illegal activity, just so I’d have an excuse to do something.

[15:54] I help her find her friends, she can stay at my house, unless you decides to trash it.
[15:54] She*

Nope... No breaking the law here as far as I could tell.

[15:54] I don't think I've gotten that far yet. So you actually think she's the real deal? If so, I may have to rethink my actions toward 'Applejack' here.
[15:55] I still didn't trust her, but this other girl gave me a huge lecture about why would she lie if she's on an unknown world?
[15:56] But yeah, I was pretty reluctant at first, thinking she was just a really good actress.
[15:57] Yep. It's pretty safe to say that we may be dealing with the real thing here. Tell ya what, I'll talk to this girl some more an try to dig up some more information. If too many things mesh together, then we gotta find the others.

Mr. She-Slapper here was pretty convincing, despite his methods.

[15:57] If that happens, we got a manhunt on our hands.
[15:57] Or would that be ponyhunt?
[15:57] Sounds fair and yeah, I think it would be a ponyhunt.
[15:57] Ok then, well, I assume neither you or I will be on here all that much. How do I get a hold of you?
[15:57] Um, I guess the chat would be fine, if not then email?
[15:58] That'll work, I could probably give you my cell number as well since I tend to not check my email all that much.

Texting and calling is way easier and quicker, I didn’t want to rely on my computer at all times to get these shenanigans sorted out.

[15:58] alright
[15:58] (555) 276-1565
[15:58] There ya go mate.
[15:59] thanks, here's mine
[15:59] (555) 452-7412

I quickly dialed his number in my phone and saved it as ‘Punkass’.

[15:59] I think I hear her making some noise upstairs, hit me up later. I gotta go find out what's going on.
[15:59] By the way, before we both leave, um... how exactly does one apologize to Rainbow Dash after kind of lying to her?

I sat stunned for a moment until an idea, albeit an odd one, came to mind.

[15:60] Make up sex? I dunno. Later.
[15:60] o.o okay then... later.

~

I shut my computer off and ran up the stairs, tripping on a couple on the way up.

“What the hell is going on up here?” I shouted.

I soon found the answer myself, as I saw Applejack and Dozer wrestling on the kitchen floor. However, I got severely pissed when I noticed half of the Coors I had left were now just a bunch of empty bottles on the floor. How she got them open, I have no clue, but she did and that was grounds for retribution.

“Nooooothin’,” she slurred.

“Bullshit ‘nothin’. You’re up here, half naked and drunk, wrestling with my dog!”

“Calm down, Ah just had a couple o’ them...” She paused briefly trying to think of the right word to use. “Uh... Whaddyacallims?”

“Beer, brewski, sauce. Stuff you shouldn’t be drinking!” I stomped over to her and yanked her up off the floor by her saliva caked arm.

“Ain’t never heard o’ that b’fore. Ah jus’ thought it was some kinda funny tastin’ cider.”

“Well it ain’t, how’d you even get the dang things open in the first place?” I asked, fuming.

“Ah jus’ figured it was kinda like them jars Granny uses when she makes that there Zap Apple Jam o’ hers...” she tipped back a bit, nearly to the point of falling over and then straightened back up. “So Ah jus’ used these here thingies,” she said, looking at her fingers and wiggling them “an popped one o’ them suckers right on open! Don’t taste like no jam though,” she stated in an attempted educated tone, thwarted by a hiccup.

“Well next time, ask me first. Now you’re gonna take a shower and get dressed, ya hear?”

“Heh, y’jus wanna see mah cutie mark huh?” She wavered a bit and nearly toppled over before I caught her again.

“Woman, you ain’t got no cutie mark,” I said while I dragged her over to the bathroom.

It seemed that was enough to bring her back to reality, at least a little as she suddenly went stiff. “What?”

“No cutie mark,” I stated matter-of-factly.

She looked down at her rear and her eyes widened in shock. I watched as her mouth moved soundlessly, unable to say anything about her ordeal. She kept looking at me and then back to her bottom as if I was playing some weird prank, yet every time she looked, nothing appeared.

“No, no, nonononono! Where’s mah cutie mark?!” ‘Applejack’ was now in a frightened, drunken panic with this new bit of crucial information. It took all the willpower I had not to grab her, shake her violently and yell ‘get a hold of yourself’ as she thrashed around violently. It was hard to grasp everything she had said with the way her speech seemed to blur together, but what I could make out mainly consisted of cutie marks, her family and her friends.

“It’s not there if that’s what you’re wondering! Now calm down! I’ll find a guy to tattoo three apples on your ass if it really means that much to you!” I shouted.

She stopped thrashing and gawked at me silently.

“What?” I asked dumbly.

Her mood had gone sour at this point. It seems most girls, or mares, whatever you want to call them, would’ve been brought to tears at this point, but not Applejack. Instead, she simply hung her head silently, contemplating the whole thing at this point. We sat for several minutes without saying anything.

I soon grew tired of sitting down and got up off the tile, offering my hand to help her up. Once she was standing on her own two feet, I set to preparing a bath for her. I noticed that she went straight to the mirror and studied her reflection, I figured she just wanted to know what she looked like.

“Believe it or not,” I said as I let my hand run through the water to gauge the temperature. “But you’re actually a pretty good lookin’ girl. At least, here on ‘Earth’ you are.” She said nothing, so I took that as my cue to hush up for the time being.

Once the tub was full I stood up to face her. In reality, I should have smacked myself for what I just saw, instead I mentally berated myself for being so blind. “Applejack, I think I got some good news.”

“What is it?”

“You know how I said your cutie mark was gone?”

“Oh please Celestia, don’t bring that up again!” She seemed pained by me bringing up the topic yet again.

“Turns out I’m just an idiot.” I said as I pointed toward her rump. “It’s still there, just on the other side.” I smiled on the inside as her eyes widened in disbelief. Sure enough, as she turned her head to check the other side, her trio of apples shone brightly, letting her know that all was not lost. With my good deed done for the day I turned to leave. “Well, your bath’s all ready to go. Holler if you need anything an’ let me know when you’re done.”

To this day, I still don’t know what possessed her to run up, hug me and whisper “Thank ya.”

~

As it turns out, bathing is a fairly universal thing, what with the methods and such. The only issue that came up was when she got out. Sure, she had the decency to dry herself off, but afterward she just waltzed right into the living room like she was at Sunday Church.

It took me a few seconds to gather my bearings as I caught sight of her walking into the main room. I’ll admit, she was like a goddess. Her body was tan and toned perfectly to the point that even supermodels would ask ‘how do you do it?’ Those freckles she had were also an amazing piece of eye candy for me. It took every inch of my being not to try and take advantage of the situation. Eventually, and reluctantly I looked away.

“Okay, we need to get some clothes on you ricky tick.” I got up from the recliner in which I had been sitting and grabbed her hand. Leading her back into the restroom, I made her stay put and walked back into the main room to grab the bag of clothes Samantha had lent her.

“Alright,” I said as I set the bag down on the counter. “First, we need to get some underbritches on ya.” I rummaged through the sack and found a mismatched pair of unmentionables.

“This right here is called a bra,” I explained to her while holding the article up. “It covers your... Tits?”

“Say what now?” She asked.

“Covers your... Uh... Mammories?”

“Oh! Ya’ll mean these things?” She asked as she looked down and motioned to her breasts.

“Y-yes those,” I stammered. It took me a couple seconds, but I soon built up the courage to just go up behind her and do my best to get it on her without doing any unnecessary fondling. “Feel free to adjust it till you’re comfortable,” I said as I turned to face the wall.

“Kay, now what?”

I grabbed the panties sitting on the counter and showed them to her. “These cover your downstairs mixup. Just put your legs through these two holes and make sure the larger side is on the back.” I tossed the pair of briefs to her and resumed my position facing the wall. “Let me know when you’re done.”

A minute or two passed by along with some audible groans and whispers of displeasure until she announced her task was complete.

“Okay, next! Pants.” I rifled quickly through the bag, grabbed a pair of jeans and handed them to her. “These go on just like them skivvies, they just cover your legs an’ keep you a tad warmer.”

She nodded and put them on and actually managed the feat rather quickly.

“Now what?” she asked.

“Button ‘er up Betty.”

Yet another confused glance was thrown right at me. I walked over, grabbed the zipper, yanked it up quickly and buttoned her fly before she could say anything. “Like that. Alright, shirt time next, this’ll be pretty easy. Just take it, put your arms through the sleeves and your head through the middle hole. Tag goes in the back,” I said and grabbed a t-shirt from the sack showing it to her.

It’s pretty safe to say that AJ had no trouble whatsoever with the shirt, she got it on quickly and effortlessly to which I was thankful. With bathing and getting clothed out of the way, I went back into the living room and sprawled out on the couch for a much needed nap.

~

Sleeping after a rather hectic day is a reward unlike any other. That is, unless certain events of the day made their way into your dreams and did nasty things. One second I’m dreaming of goin’ around killing zombies, the next I’m half naked in a cliche romantic setting with some freckled blonde chick. Needless to say, I woke up as to not feed my perverted side.

One thing surprised me, however, as I moved to get up. I found a blanket draped over me and a glass of water on the coffee table. I looked around the room for AJ, but she was nowhere to be seen. A surge of dread ran through my veins as I threw the blanket off and got up off the couch. I searched high and low in every nook and cranny in the house. Not a trace of her being there, I couldn’t even find Dozer.

So in short, I freaked out. There were one hundred thousand and three possibilities for what had happened, and death accounted for at least thirty of them. Had she gone outside and been hit by a car? Did she get into an argument with some Greeley Chiquita and gotten shot or stabbed? The scenarios certainly didn’t bode well regardless of what they were. So I did the only rational thing possible.

“Applejack?!” I shouted “Where the hell are you?”

I heard a muffled voice coming from the garage and went to investigate. Upon opening the door, I found AJ sitting down next to the Harley with Dozer asleep taking up her entire lap.

“What are you doing out here? You had me flipping out like a monk at a strip club!”

“Tryin’ to figure this here thingy out.” She motioned to the bike, a perplexed expression on her face. “Ah just don’t get it. It ain’t pony-drawn, an’ it ain’t got a train car with coal in it, so it ain’t steam powered. It’s so... fancy.”

It was then that I felt not only relieved, but confused as well. “Well, I know a few of the basic things about it. For example, see this here V-Shaped thing?”

She nodded affirmative.

“Well that’s the engine, the ‘work-horse’ that makes the whole thing move.”

“How in the hay does it do that?” she asked in awe.

“Internal combustion. Basically, you got your fuel fed into the engine and mixed with a bit of air and a spark ignites the mixture creating a tiny explosion. This tiny boom drives a piston upward that generates power to the drivetrain which in turn makes the rear tire move through a gear like mechanism. You follow me?”

The look on her face said it all.

“Well, I’m no expert, that’s what I know from my eighth grade shop class. I’m better versed with the actual physics of it. For example, the faster you go, the more stable you are, otherwise known as centrifugal inertia.”

“That’s a whole lot o’ fancy talk that Ah just don’t get,” she said as she looked back at the bike.

“You’re telling me, and that’s just the engine itself. That don’t include the brakes, transmission, suspension or anything else... anyway, I’m feeling kinda hungry, let’s go inside an’ try to find somethin’ to eat.”

With our tiny little discussion on auto mechanics complete, I led her still-wobbly self inside. I figured I could go for a good burger at this time. Thus began the terrible tirade of accusatory shouts and hateful slander....

Half Past a Kick in the Ass

April 13th, 2012

It’s been said that pigs are smart creatures. While that may be true in some ways, it’s clearly evident that this particular swine was anything but intelligent. After all, what kinda hog lets you kill it, butcher it, and consume its delicious flesh? Certainly not one of superior intellect. The same could be said for cows and chickens and everything in between. Not to mention the sheep that make up eighty percent of the oh-so-wonderful concoction known as Haggis.

That being said, our ever-present vegans and their not-so-friendly cohorts will be the first to tell you that ‘meat is murder’ and other such filthy accusations. I, for one, like my food just the way it is, and I’ll be damned if I let some smelly hippie tell me otherwise. Thus, it came as a bit of a surprise when I was verbally assaulted for my carnivorous ways.

“Ya’ll are monsters! How could ya go around eatin’ them piggies an’ such?”

“Same way you eat those innocent defenseless daisies,” I replied through a mouthful of a bacon cheeseburger. “So if you don’t want none, I’ll get you a leaf or something to munch on.”

“That’s terrible! Ya’ll are sick in the head! Ah don’t know what ever possessed y’all to go around killin’ them critters an eatin’ them all willy nilly. It ain’t right, it’s murder an ya’ll know it!” she shouted at me.

I looked at her blankly for a moment, gave Dozer a piece of bacon, then swallowed. “Because for a human, being an omnivore is natural. Ain’t there things where you’re from that eat meat?”

“Well yeah, Winona does, an’ griffins too. But they’re predators by nature!”

“Then there ya go. It’s natural for some things to eat other animals, so get off my ass about it cause you ain’t gonna change my mind one way or another.” I set my burger down and took a drink of water. “Listen. Around here, most humans eat meat and plants. Not all mind you, just most. There’s a lot of things here on Earth that are way different than what you’re used to, so you’ll just have to live with it ‘till we get you back home. So, you hungry or what?”

She sat down and crossed her arms with a frown “...Yeah, Ah am a tad hungry. But what do y’all got that ain’t meat?” she asked as if I forgot that she refused to consume animal parts.

“Uh... Bread, milk, peanut butter, jelly, apples,” I began listing off some basic things we had. “Oranges, nanners, taters, salad... eggs? I dunno, but you can scrounge around the pantry or somethin’ if you want to.”

“Ah suppose Ah could go with some apples.” She still looked pissed and honestly, I didn’t really care too much about her little bitch fit. What? I like to eat animals and she doesn’t. Simple as that.

“That’s it? Fruit for dinner?” She shrugged as if it didn’t make much difference to her. “Suit yourself.” I stood up and walked over to the refrigerator where we kept all the fruit stored. I opened the fridge and reached into the door, producing two apples, then took them back to the table and handed them to her.

I sat back down and went to pick up my burger and noticed one of the apples had already been completely devoured save for the core and stem. “Damn... You really were hungry.”

Applejack did nothing more than glare at me and slowly chew the mouthful of apple she had.

“Would you pull that stick out of your ass already? It’s food. The natural cycle of ‘if I can eat you, I bloody well will.’ Besides, animals can’t give a damn if they’re dead now can they?”

“That still don’t justify it.”

“An’ my eating habits don’t justify you being a bitch, so get over it. If it’s really that terrible, I’ll go to the store and we can get you some ‘pony friendly food.’ That sound like a deal?” I try to stay calm through a lot of things, but I do have some buttons that, when pushed, will throw me so far over the edge that not even a surface-to-air missile could compete with my range.

“Fine...”

“Then it’s settled. Tomorrow we’ll go hit up Wally World.” With that, I grabbed my burger and took an intentionally violent bite just to irk her.

~

I had set up the guest bed for Applejack to sleep on, which provoked Dozer to join her for the night. He seemed content laying right by the door just in case somebody came in uninvited. With the sleeping arrangement settled, I set off to my lair in order to crash myself.

Unfortunately, sleep didn’t come, even after all the effort I went through to get stripped and comfortable. I got out of bed about three hours into my attempt at dozing off and finally gave up. I got dressed and shuffled back up the stairs, making sure to check on Applejack and Dozer. As I expected, they were contentedly snoring up a storm.

“Cute,” I muttered to myself and left them to their snoozing. I went to sit outside on the porch, grabbing my pack on the way. Once I had lit my cigarette and gotten comfortable, I let my mind wander.

It began with a bunch of self-doubt and moral questioning. Why had I gone snooping around in that field in the first place? What had possessed me to harbor a once-naked assumed-to-be crazy girl? These were just a couple of the questions I berated myself with. Yet something told me that I needed to do this, not for my sake but hers. She didn’t belong here and it was my duty to safely return her home, no matter the cost.

Once I was finished with my cigarette, I put it out and flicked it out into the grass before lying back, watching the sky. I sat like that for the rest of the night, a slur of fuzzy thoughts blowing in and out of my mind like a western prairie wind.

April 14th, 2012

Once the sun’s first rays of light peeked over the horizon, I got up and went inside to start breakfast and put some coffee on. AJ, with her living on a farm her whole life, had also gotten up rather early. I watched as she took a seat at the table.

“Sleep well?” I asked.

“Mmmhmm...” was her reply. “How ‘bout ya’ll?” Her tone was groggy and a bit slow.

“Didn’t,” I replied as I grabbed the bacon and eggs from the refrigerator, then retrieved the hash browns from the freezer.

“Why?”

“Don’t know. It’s all good though, I ain’t tired anyway.” I turned the stove on and set a frying pan down on it, allowing it to warm up a bit.

“Huh...”

“So Dozer seems to like you,” came my attempt at small talk.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, don’t rightly know why.” AJ looked up from the table where her head had been resting previously. “Ain’t he yer dog?”

“Apparently he’s yours now,” I chuckled. I tossed some browns into the pan and let them sizzle for a bit. “Milk? Coffee?”

“What?” Obviously not a morning person... Pony. Whatever.

“You want some milk or coffee?”

“Oh!” There’s a keyword in there somewhere. “Coffee sounds nice. Black.”

“You got it, Hoss,” I said and reached up to the cupboard and grabbed two mugs, the larger one being mine, which was actually a soup mug. I poured the black liquid into each cup and brought AJ hers. “Careful, it’s hot,” I said and went back to fix mine up with the creamer and sugar I felt it needed.

“Yup...”

I could hear the hash browns start to quiet down so I stirred them a bit to ensure they cooked evenly. Once they were done, I grabbed two plates from the cabinet and scooped an equal share onto both and began preparing the eggs. “How do you like your eggs?”

“Cooked.”

“Heh, me too,” I laughed, first joke I’d really gotten from her so far. So I did my usual and chopped them up into a yellow goop with the spatula as they fried. When they finished, I scooped half onto Applejack’s plate and set it down in front of her with a fork then went back to get my bacon going.

With my bacon done, I threw it onto my plate, grabbed a fork and turned around to find Applejack face down in her plate totally conked out. “Yo, Applejack... You alright?” I asked as I grabbed her shoulder and shook her a bit.

She must not be a very heavy sleeper as she jumped up abruptly and shouted, “Get them pears outta here!”

“You gonna eat your food?” I managed through a suppressed laugh.

“Huh? Oh! Yeah, sorry ‘bout that.” I watched her reach for a piece of egg with her hand and stopped her.

“You know how to use a fork?” I asked and showed her the pronged utensil in my hands.

“Can’t say Ah do,” she said through an intense yawn.

“Let me show you then.” I grabbed her hand and her fork then placed the food stabber in her hands. “Like this.” I showed her how I was holding mine and coerced her to mimic my method.

It took her a little while before she got it figured out and started eating properly.

We ate quietly; she hadn’t said a word about the bacon on my plate, to which I was grateful. It seemed we had conquered that hurdle after all. I took our plates into the kitchen, put them in the sink to soak for a bit, and allowed her some time to wake up.

She still seemed a bit groggy as I showed her outside to the truck and got her buckled in safely.

Applejack hadn’t said much since she had finished breakfast, nor did she say much as we got rolling to head off to Wal-Mart, so I turned on the radio and made sure it was set to 106.7 KBPI. The very second the radio came alive, I was graced by one of my favorite songs: ‘What it’s Like’ by Everlast. Although she did react to the sudden music in a somewhat surprised fashion, she soon settled down. I guess good music is a universal language.

~

The song had just reached its end as I turned off the highway into Greeley and transitioned to another favorite of mine: ‘No One Gets Left Behind’from Five Finger Death Punch.

“Oh, hell yeah. This is some good shit right here.”

I looked over at Applejack who sat staring out the window. Just then, a terrible idea came into my mind and I grinned mischievously. I turned the radio as loud as it would go.

Her reaction was immediate. She shot straight up and caught herself on the seat belt. This forced an audible laugh from me despite the malicious scowl on her mug. “Calm down,” I shouted over the radio. “It’s just music!”

“How in the hay is this music?!” she screamed.

“The same way B.B. King and Chris LeDoux are musicians,” I said and flipped the blinker, signalling my upcoming righthand turn.

“Sounds like a bunch of noise an’ yellin’!”

“Well it ain’t, so sit back an’ enjoy it, honey,” I said and turned it down a little bit.

She sat back and covered her ears for the duration of the ride, which was fine by me as I navigated through the streets to our destination.

Upon reaching the store and finding a good parking spot, I turned the radio down and put the beast in park. I got out of the cab and walked around to the other side to let her out. As soon as she set foot on the pavement and the door closed behind her, I made the official 23rd St. Wal-Mart introduction. “Welcome to ‘Wal-Martinez’!”

“Charmed,” she sarcastically intoned and rolled her eyes. “What exactly is this place?”

“Super store. You can find damn near anything you need here, although most of it is high-priced junk,” I stated in mock pride as I led her inside. “First things first, what’s your favorite food?”

She remained silent for a moment then said, “Uh... Apples?”

“Besides that.”

“Uhh...” She obviously never put much thought into this kind of stuff. “Celery or broccoli Ah s’pose.”

“Fair enough,” I said and headed over to the produce aisle, snagging a cart on the way.

Note: Applejack does not like peas. No matter what form they come in. Same goes for brussels sprouts, or as I like to call them: ‘little alien heads.’ We got most of our shopping done pretty quickly. Save for the produce she needed, we also got some other things like different apple-flavored products including pop-tarts, along with some ‘vegan products’ like soy bacon and some tofu stuff. I figured if she wouldn’t get her protein the right way, she’d get it the weird way. It took quite a bit of hassle to assure her that tofu was indeed NOT meat, but rather ‘wannabe meat’ made from beans.

As soon as she accepted this, I went and grabbed a couple gallons of milk along with some cereal for breakfast. With the grocery bit done, we headed over to the other side of the store where they sold hygiene products. This process lasted about an hour as I had to explain to her what everything was for and allowed her to choose what she wanted from the ‘basic necessities’ like shampoo and body wash. I also managed to get a camouflage ‘Dodge’ hat for her because after all, it’s Mopar or No Car.

Our grand total peaked at about $167 after I convinced her that she should try out two of the very best unhealthy products known to man: Twix and Coke. I must say, she looked like your average country gal with her brand spankin’ new Dodge cap and blue jeans on. Which was good, as people rarely asked questions about such a thing.

On our way out however, we hit a bit of a snag. Okay, so it wasn’t really a snag, it was more like a pissed off cracker who doesn’t like strange Mexican kids (or any kids for that matter) leaning on his truck and chatting away while smoking a joint.

“Alright you little shits!” I shouted at them after I made Applejack stay by the cart. “First things first. Put out that goddamn J. Second, get the hell away from my truck before I start crackin’ skulls!”

“¡Vete al carajo! Maricón,” one of the delinquents shouted back before he took another hit from his stogie.

“Listen here, punk. Ya’ll got about five seconds before I beat the brown off your dumb asses.”

“Whachu say cabron?” The second one, who happened to be dressed in all black, said.

“I said ya need to get your asses up on outta here before I send you back home to Mexico in a bodybag!” Suffice it to say, I can get pretty irritable when Spanish is used against me.

“You best get steppin’ white boy,” the third said as he got up and took a step toward me. “Unless you want us to have some fun with your little señora over there after we beat your ass.”

Thus the proverbial straw broke the camel’s back. I reached my hand into my vest pocket and laced my fingers into the pair of knuckle dusters I always carried with me. I had never used them before, but I figured it was high time they felt flesh and cracking bones. May God have mercy on my enemies, because I sure as hell won’t.

I walked forward and feinted a left hook at the one farthest to the right, instead opting for a right cross at the one in the middle, which subsequently broke his nose. His two compadres however, wasted no time at all and quickly grabbed my arms in an attempt to put me down on the pavement. So I did the first thing that came to mind: I brought my right leg up and kicked at the knee of the onyx-clad cholo.

It seems I missed, however, as his leg remained intact. It worked though, since it got him off of me for a bit so I could focus on the one to my left. Before I had any time to get a hit on him, he brought his fist around, making solid contact with my jaw. It was then that I remembered a quote I try to live by: ‘the more one sweats in training, the less one bleeds in battle’. I took this as my cue to go berserk. I grabbed his arm, twisted it around his back and took a firm hold of the nape of his neck.

“Pain is merely weakness leaving the body,” I said to him through gritted teeth before I mustered all the strength I could and brought him face down to kiss the concrete.

Of course, my short monologue of badassery was rudely interrupted by the first hoodrat I hit tackling me from the side with the force of a slightly irritated chihuahua. They say ‘the bigger they are, the harder they fall.’ Well, I didn’t fall all that hard, so that must’ve been proof that I wasn’t all that big.

The black-clothed hoodlum came to his aid and made it his personal mission to try and disfigure my face as he threw a series of quick punches at me. When you’re in a blind rage, you don’t really feel pain, but that adrenaline rush doesn’t last very long because soon I was reduced to an immobile bloody mess.

One by one, they stopped kicking at me and punching me. I guess they had decided they’d had enough fun for the day and went on their merry way, but not before driving the last nail into the coffin and spitting on my face. It took a couple minutes but Applejack finally worked up the courage to run over and check to see if I was alright. She started by speaking complete gibberish at about a hundred miles per hour, so I waited for her to slow down her speech to a more coherent level.

“Oh my sweet merciful Celestia. Are ya alright?”

“Just peachy,” I managed to say. I groaned a bit as I struggled to sit up and then proceeded to hack up a good bit of blood and mucus on the ground. “Y’know, history wasn’t written by pacifists.”

“Ya’ll just got beat up and yer suddenly a philosophomiser?”

“It’s better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.”

“What in the hay is that supposed to mean?” Applejack asked as she offered her hand to help me up. I brushed her hand away gently and managed to get up on one knee.

“Violence may not be the best option, but it’s still an option.”

“Would ya quit talkin’ in fancy riddles?!”

I couldn’t help but grin as I looked at her, the concern evident in her eyes. “You can’t break me, no matter how hard you try.”

“Have ya’ll gone nutty? Ya just got broken!”

“Beaten, yes. Broken, no. I can still move can’t I?” I replied nonchalantly and finally stood up. I stretched myself out, cracked my knuckles and rolled my neck a bit. I hurt pretty bad, but I could deal with it. After all, chicks dig scars.

I dug the can out of my back pocket and threw a bit of tobacco in my lip. It stung pretty bad where my lip had been cut, and I could distinctly taste the blood. Rub some dirt in it, you’ll be fine, I thought. Stuffing the can back in, I limped over to the shopping cart and pushed it over to the truck and opened up the back door.

“Now jus’ hold on there a second sugarcube.”

“What?”

“So ya’ll are gonna stand there, after gettin’ beat up somethin’ fierce an’ walk it off like it never happened?” she asked, sounding surprised.

“What else am I gonna do? Call the cops or somethin’?” I laughed. “That’ll be the day.”

“The day what?”

“That I become society’s bitch and start doing things the ‘right way’.” She stood there, silently gawking at me as I loaded the bags into the truck. “You just gonna stand there? Or are you gonna help me with these bags?” She took the hint and grabbed a few herself and began tossing them inside.

“Why would you do that? Go an’ pick a fight?”

“Because respect is a ‘hands on’ kinda lesson, that’s why.”

~

We made it back to the house in one piece and took all the groceries inside. I excused myself for a moment and headed into the bathroom to wash up. Despite recent events, I looked alright. My face was a bit scratched up and was starting to swell, and my left eye was half-lidded, signifying it’d be black and swollen for a while. All in all, not that bad... If looking like you just got hit by a truck could be considered ‘not that bad.’

I walked back into the kitchen and began putting the groceries and such away while Applejack stood, leaning against the counter. “Ya sure yer alright? You got whooped somethin’ fierce back there.”

“Meh. You win some you lose some. First fight I’ve lost, actually.”

“You ain’t even gonna patch yourself up?”

“Nah, that’d be a waste of first aid stuff. Unless I’ve got major lacerations or somethin’, I just suck it up an’ deal with it,” I said as I opened the refrigerator and began placing some of the foodstuffs in their respectful spots. “By the way, I’ve got some good news for you.”

“An’ what might that be?”

“I know where Rainbow Dash is.”

“WHAT?!” Applejack cried. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!”

“I dunno, your escapade from earlier made me forget all about it.” I finished putting the rest away and sat atop the counter.

“But still! Ya could’ve told me on the way to the store!”

“You were sleepy, an’ I didn’t wanna mess with you all that much... I was also kinda pissed, mostly at myself though.” I sighed and looked at Applejack. My mind seemed to grow fuzzy for a bit as I remembered all that had happened in just a day. It was then that a thought struck me, why had I been being so mean to her? She hadn't done anything to deserve it, and I had no real reason to be so distrusting and foul. She was in a bind in a place that she wouldn't last a week in. Maybe if I made an effort to make up for my attitude, she might forgive me. It's definitely worth a shot. I told myself and looked back to the blonde girl across from me.

“Listen, AJ. I’m really sorry about how I’ve been acting. You don’t deserve my being a complete dick to you. You’ll come to realize that humans are a damn stupid species, no matter what anybody says.” I sighed and scratched my head for a second. “Do you think maybe we could start over? Make ammends?”

“Ah’d like that.” She flashed me a genuine smile and opened her arms for a hug. Being the big softie I am, I quickly obliged. Although I did have to quit as she started gasping for air. I always seemed to nearly kill people with hugs.

Rocky Mountain Lead

April 15th, 2012

Honestly, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel like I had been hit by a train. One minute I’m getting things for Applejack to make her stay a bit more comfortable, the next I’m getting my ass handed to me by three delinquent ‘homies.’ Suffice to say, this morning didn’t exactly start out with sunshine and rainbows.

Slowly, I reached up and slapped my hand down on my alarm clock and fumbled around for the ‘shut-the-hell-up switch.’ As soon as it was off, I sat up, sniffed, and then gingerly touched my left eye. It didn’t hurt, but it definitely felt swollen. So I got up, got dressed, and made my way upstairs with the speed of an irritated sloth, and the grace of a three legged dog on an icy lake.

“Hey Applejack, you up?” I asked, not expecting an answer.

“Yup.” She was sitting on the couch looking at the TV, which was currently off. “Sleep well?”

“Mmmmmmm...” I mumbled.

“Ah’ll take that as a yes,” she joked.

Grumbling in response, I walked over to the pantry and opened it up, grabbed the bag of Marshmallow Mateys on the shelf, set it on the counter, and grabbed the milk from the refrigerator. I filled a bowl with some cereal and milk, replaced the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the pantry, and then sat down in the recliner in the living room. I was just about to take a bite when I realized I didn’t have a spoon, so I got up and grabbed one from the drawer before sitting back down.

I didn’t know why at first, but AJ was quietly sniggering in her seat the entire time I was eating. As soon as I finished the cereal and a little bit of the milk, I sat the bowl on the floor and let Dozer finish it off.

“What’s so funny?”

“Keepin’ yer cereal cold, are ya?” she asked with a cheesy grin.

It took a moment for my brain to fully comprehend the meaning of her words. “Shiiiiiiiiiit,” I drawled, and got up to put the milk and cereal where they belong.

“Smooth move,” she jested.

“Eh, shut up. It’s like...” I glanced at the clock on the microwave. “Eleven in the morning,” I finished, then opened the fridge and removed the cereal. I took it to the pantry and promptly swapped the milk with the bag and took the jug back to the fridge.

“Awful late to be gettin’ up, don’cha think?”

“I always wake up at the crack of noon, smartass.” I yawned and sat back down in the chair.

“So what’re we gonna do today?”

“Well now that you mention it, I hadn’t really thought about that...” I sat and pondered for a moment. “How about a ride up to the mountains on the bike?”

“Yer kiddin’. What makes ya’ll think Ah’d ever get on that thing again?”

“The thrill?” I asked dumbly. “I dunno, but it won’t be that bad this time. We can take the back roads, nice and slow. Let you enjoy the view, y’know?”

She sat quietly for a time, studying me like a book, her expression cold and calculated. I couldn’t help but waggle my eyebrows like an idiot just to mess with her. Lucky for me, she found it funny and cracked a smile. “Alright, sure. Gotta start slow though, ya hear?”

“You got it.”

~

The gradual transition from the shallow, rolling hills of the plains to the steep, winding climb that was the Rocky Mountains was always a wonderful sight, especially on days like these. Out on the back county roads, one could experience the majestic view when heading west to the great walls of stone that sat scouting over the eastern portion of Colorful Colorado. While they look purple from afar, once you’re close enough they turn to nice shades of greys, browns, and greens. Quite the change from the ever-present gold and amber colors of the fields east and beyond.

We were following a gentle slalom of blacktop, snaking our way alongside Alexander Mountain and brushing past his southern brother, Sheep Mountain. Farther west one could ride, following the ever present Big Thompson River as it rushed past, forever carved into its course after millions of years of erosion.

While Estes Park is a popular tourist destination, it’s not overwhelmingly active with the likes of Bermuda shorts-clad pentagenarians and prepubescent rapscallions. Thus, it was still a favored route for the biker community. On some days, one could be lucky and faintly glimpse one of the region’s mountain goats clinging apathetically to the mountainside. Even more uncommon was the sighting of moose. Elk, on the other hand, always have and always will be plentifulin these parts. The very same can be said for deer, no matter how much hunting goes on.

So believe me when I say: Colorado is by far the best state of them all, and that’s not just native bias talking. Sure, I’d never been skiing up in Aspen or Vail, but honestly, that stuff has too much hype and way too many west coast Yuppies prancing about the slopes. I never want to be within smelling distance of their near-tactile uppityness.

It seems Applejack might’ve been sharing similar thoughts as we dismounted. She stood, mouth agape, as she looked all around. The trees, the mountains themselves, and even the elk crossing the road just ahead of us caught her in a trance.

“Wow.”

“I know right?” I said smugly. “Welcome to Estes Park, Colorado!”

“This is amazing,” she said, still gawking at her surroundings. “Ah didn’t think there was nothin’ like this considering how ya’ll live!”

“You ain’t even seen a tenth of what this world has to offer, honey.”

“Ah... Just wow.”

“You can close your mouth now, you look like a fish gasping for air.” She gave me a look that said ‘just shut up’ and closed her mouth. “So I was thinkin’, in a day or two would you like to head out to find Dash?”

“YES!” she practically screamed. “Can we go now?!”

“No, not quite yet,” I said as I sat down on the bike and lit a cigarette. “I gotta get some business done first, clear it with my dad an’ such, find somebody to take care of Dozer while we’re gone, all that jazz.”

“Oh.” Her good mood seemed to dwindle a bit.

“But I can guaran-damn-tee ya that we will go an’ find her.” My little promise worked, as she looked at me and smiled.

“Thanks.”

“No worries, I figure it’s my duty to help you out now that you’re in my care.” I started up the bike and motioned for her to get on. Once she was settled, I turned the Fat Bob around and continued back the way we came.

~

Equestria is so much different from this place. Sure, there’s cities an’ such, but these cars and his bike... The closest thing we have to that back home are carriages and trains. This place is amazing! From what Garrett tells me, this place also has a lot of bad things, but I’ve only seen one instance of that, back when we were at that Wally-Mart or whatever he called it.

I guess I should count myself lucky that he was the one to find me, if his word counts for anything. Although his knowledge about me and my friends concerns me, I guess I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. Speaking of which, maybe I should get him to spill the beans about how exactly he knows so much. I can’t do it now though, since we’re on his motor-thingy, so I’ll save it for when we get back.

Now that I think about it... Why is he helping me? I mean, if he ended up in Equestria as a pony claiming to be from somewhere else entirely, I don’t think I would trust him. Actually, no, I would trust him. I know how to tell when a pony’s lying, and he doesn’t seem to be the lying type.

Being the trusting pony I am, I decided to test him a bit. I slowly let my arms fall away from his waist and leaned back against the thing he called a ‘sissy bar,’ I don’t know why he called it that, but it’s his world, not mine. He didn’t seem to mind all that much, so I spread my hooves... Hands? Oh, whatever. I spread my ‘arms’ out like wings. It felt like I was flying, or somethin’ similar to when Rainbow decided to take me on a little ‘ride’ one time. It felt amazing. I felt so free that I decided to let out a yell. Bad idea, since right then and there, a bug decided to fly right into my mouth.

~

Applejack seemed to be enjoying herself on the way back. I felt her let go of my waist and lean back, spreading her arms out wide like a bird. I didn’t expect her to start screaming though, but the moment of tranquility came to an end, soon as she started choking on what I presumed to be a bug flying straight into her pie hole.

I couldn’t help but laugh as she started coughing and carrying on about how she swallowed a bug. After a few seconds of her little freak out, she finally stopped and wrapped her arms back around my midsection. I shook my head a bit and laughed inwardly at her little bout of misfortune. ‘Rule number one of the road,’ I thought to myself. ‘Keep your mouth closed unless you like the taste of bugs’.

We didn’t have any more mishaps the rest of the way back, and I pulled into the garage with ease. After killing the bike and putting the kickstand down, I stepped off and helped AJ climb down. I had to suppress a laugh as she stood up and began walking bow-legged.

“Yeah, long rides’ll do that to ya,” I said with a laugh.

She still had her good mood going and starting laughing herself at the way we were walking. We looked like a couple of old timey cowboys or something with the way our legs were bent outward. “Yer tellin’ me that now?” she asked, still giggling.

“Sorry about that. Slipped my mind.” Just then, a thought came into my mind. “Hey, AJ. Ya’ll got guns in Equestria?”

“‘Fraid Ah don’t know what yer talkin’ about there, sugarcube.” Figures. They’re not exactly an ‘industrious’ species, but it doesn’t hurt to ask right?

“Ah, ok. Well I got a fun idea,” I said as I opened the door leading into the kitchen. “Just wait by the truck for a bit, I’ll be right back.”

I ran inside and grabbed the truck keys sitting on the counter then stumbled downstairs to my father’s room. I went straight to his closet and rifled through the junk up on the shelf until I felt my hand brush cold steel. I grabbed the item and stuffed it into the inner pocket of my jacket. I looked around for the box of ammo he kept up there and grabbed it, along with a couple of the magazines that were laying next to it.

I ran back upstairs, closed the garage door and jogged over to the truck where a bored-looking Applejack stood.

“Girl, you’re in for a treat today. Get in.” I don’t know whether she understood a single word I said considering how fast I had been talking, but she got the hint when I got in and started the truck up.

“What in the hay are we doin’? We just got back!”

“You’ll see.” I grinned like an idiot and put it in drive, mashing on the gas. Tires squealed, as did Applejack, as I violently flipped a U-Turn and tore off down the street.

~

“Where are we?”

“NOWHERE!” I practically shouted. “Today, you’re gonna learn the art of operatin’ das shootin-boomer!”

“The hay is a ‘das shooter-boomer’?” she asked.

“THIS!” This time I actually shouted as I whipped the beautiful piece of forged steel furnished with wood grips from my coat pocket. “A Rock Island model 1911A1, chambered in a .45 ACP, firing at roughly eight hundred feet per second!” The look she gave me was a mix of fear, confusion, and awe as I gave my brief monologue. “This sexy beast has been in production for just over a hundred years and is the near epitome of superior quality. Not even them punkass Glocks hold a candle to these wonderfully crafted brain-busters!”

“Have ya finally gone off yer rocker?!”

“Nah, that happened a looong time ago!”

She was speechless. I didn’t share her sentiment. “Anyway, crash course in proper weapon handling. Eject the mag.” I pressed down on the button and the empty magazine slid out into my hand. “Next, clear the chamber.” I pulled back on the slide and nothing came out. “Make sure the safety is on.” I showed her the little lever and pin mechanisms and how one way said it was on safe and the other said different. “Load a fresh mag in, click the safety off, pull the trigger, aaand...”

*BANG*

“Boom.” I grinned mischievously. She, on the other hand, flipped out.

“Sweet Celestia! What in tarnation is that?!”

“I done told you already. A gun!”

She stood, her mouth agape for a few seconds. “Can, uh. Can Ah try it?”

“Hell yeah you can, c’mere,” I said excitedly and motioned her over and placed the piece in her hand, but not before clicking the safety on. “Now. Eject the mag.” She looked over the gun for a bit then found the button and pressed it. The magazine fell out into her hand. “Clear the chamber.” She struggled for a bit to get a firm grip on the slide then finally pulled it back, and out flew a bullet. I caught it in my hand and stuffed it in my pocket. “Safety.” She quickly found the button and nodded, letting me know that it was on. “Now load a magazine into it.” She did as instructed and pushed the mag in. “Click the safety off and squeeze the trigger...gently,” I said as I wrapped my hands around hers.

“The what?” Aside from this little bit, she was getting the hang of weapons handling very well.

“This here little lever thingy.” I pointed at the trigger and saw her mouth an ‘oh’ and watched as she moved her hands back into position.
*BANG*

“WHOA!”

“I know right?” I squealed.

“Now that right there is pretty cool,” she said as she turned to face me. Her arm swung around and the gun passed right in front of my face for a brief moment.

*BANG*

Shock n' Awe

April 16th, 2012

*BANG*

I brought my hand up to the side of my head to make sure everything was still alright. When I made contact, I noticed my ear was fairly wet. I brought my hand back down to look at it and recoiled in shock. “Jesus fucking Christ! God dammit. GAAAAAH!”

“Ah’m sorry! I didn’t mean to, Ah jus-”

I cut her off before she could finish. “SHUT UP! Find a towel or somethin’. Shiiiit. God. Fuck, this hurts! You shot my ear!” She immediately bolted toward the pickup. Looking back, this was probably not the best course of action. Taking a girl who had once been a pony out shooting had ‘bad idea’ written all over it, wearing a large neon sign screaming ‘Don’t do that you retard.’ But being the idiot I am, I did it anyway, for the sake of fun. “You shot my ear!”

Applejack came running back to me from the truck. “There ain’t no towels or nothin’ in there!”

I took my shirt off and screamed as it rubbed against what was left of my ear, balled it up and pressed it to the side of my head. ‘“You’re fired,” I said through my teeth. “Where’s the gun?”

“Right here,” she said as she stooped over to pick it up off the ground.

I ripped the gun from her grasp, cleared the chamber and ejected the magazine, immediately stuffed it into my pocket. “I should shoot your ear just to get even, y’know that? God dammit. Owww.”

“Ah said Ah’m sorry! Ah didn’t think Ah was gonna end up shootin’ off your ear!”

“Yeah, I know,” I said as I started walking back to the truck. The second I got to the drivers side door, I immediately looked in the sideview mirror to assess the damage. The bullet had taken off about a third of my left ear from the bottom, I also couldn’t hear out of that ear all too well at the moment save for the persistent ringing. “Well, shit.”

“You gonna be alright?” Applejack asked, concerned.

“Yeah, won’t be able to hear for a while though. Rule number one: never point a gun at somebody, unless you intend to shoot them.” AJ solemnly nodded silently. “C’mon, lets head back to the house, it’s startin’ to get late.” I opened the door and got in, waiting for Applejack, who just stood there, looking at the dirt. I rolled the window down and addressed her. “You comin’ or what?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah.” She walked over to her side and opened the door, crawling up into her spot. She still looked pretty upset with the whole situation.

“Hey, don’t worry about it alright? Shit happens.” I put my hand on her shoulder in an attempt to reassure her. “It’s my fault anyway for not telling you sooner.” She looked back at me with the same glum expression from earlier. “Chin up lass, I ain’t dead,” I said with a smile as I started the engine.

During the entire drive back to the house, Applejack remained silent, occasionally sneaking glances at me to make sure I was doing alright. It didn’t bother me too much that she was feeling remorseful, it’s just that she didn’t seem to get the gist of ‘I’ll be fine, don’t worry’.

So aside from a rambunctious dog going absolutely apeshit when we arrived back at the house, things had gone back to what could be considered ‘normal’. I got Applejack tucked in for the night and made sure that if she needed anything, I was within hollering distance, then went downstairs to my den, crawled into the sack and passed out without bothering to properly bandage my ear or even so much as remove my boots.

~

Once again, the day progressed rather slowly and uneventfully. I got up, got some food for Applejack, watched a bit of T.V., and contemplated my next move in this big chess game I was playing. It seemed every move I had been making to metaphorically advance myself ended up in my losing of a good piece... like my ear.

So I had decided to play it safe and do a bit more ‘investigating’ as to the whereabouts of any other ponies. Like last time, I booted up my shitty laptop, logged into FimFiction and immediately went to the IRC. Right from the get go, things were, for lack of a better word, odd.

[19:08] discord best pony!?
[19:08] Screw yuo mate! Applejack is clearly best pony!
[19:08] *you
[19:08] banana iz best pony!
[19:08] A banana isn’t a pony, dude...
[19:08] shuz up you banana1
[19:09] Don’t make me link you to that “TO THE MOOOOON” video...
[19:09] moon doesn’t exist
[19:09] eed editor pl0x
[19:09] Nanners ain’t ponies tardmuffin.

Ah yes, the wonderfully tolerant and loving bronies, with their colorful vocabulary and constant agreement on simple topics.

[19:09] Dafuq is goin’ on in here?
[19:09] any takers?
[19:09] Best pony argument aside... Although it’s actually Spitfire.

That right there is a tried and proven fact. Applejack is awesome and all, but nopony is better than Spitfire. But in order to not waste too much time, I decided to cut to the chase.

[19:10] Why does this remind me of deja vu...?
[19:10] Who remembers that weird shit that went down the other day?
[19:10] I heard about a bunch of people goin’ nutty about fudge or something, why?
[19:10] Yeah some guys were talking about finding ponies irl.
[19:10] Fudge? Could you be more specific, Furry? And Jim, who mentioned this?
[19:10] i dont know some guys were doing what jim said and claimed to have smelled fudge saw flashing skies and found humanized ponies

Good start... I had expected a different response.

[19:11] Humanized... ponies, huh...
[19:11] Who was saying this? Can ya’ll remember any names?
[19:11] Not really I remember one of the names sounded like metalpony or whatever
[19:11] Well that’s certainly helpful... -.-
[19:12] That doesn’t help me at all, actually...
[19:12] thats all I can remember :/
[19:12] Well, it’s not like we’ll meet an owner of a humanized pony in this very IRC chat.
[19:12] What makes you say that?
[19:12] Too low chance for it to happen, especially since we’re dealing with some crappy rumors, and magic that doesn’t even exist.
[19:13] people that think they found ponies are obviously high or something
[19:13] I dunno dude, it’s certainly possible.
[19:14] if your tripping on shrooms maybe
[19:14] Hmmm...
[19:14] I’m thinkin’ I should just keep my mouth shut about this then.

Ok, nevermind. Scratch that last bit. This is exactly what I expected.

[19:14] last thing we need is crazy rednecks in the fandom

Schmoozy, target number twenty-three on the list of people to bludgeon with a taxidermied carp until they’re fluent in Arabic sign language.

[19:15] Racist, much?
[19:15] Meh, some punkass kid an’ his words don’t faze me Dragon.
[19:15] humanized ponies, social tension and accusations. OH MY!
[19:15] Celestia would frown from all this chaos, I’m sure...
[19:15] Yeah, probably. She’d be sendin’ people to the moon left an right. XD
[19:15] Especially if she actually came to this world...

Thus, the proverbial Neon Sign of ‘I Might Be Hiding Something...’

[19:15] … What are you gettin’ at Dragon?
[19:16] Hm?
[19:16] i think your both being idiots

Schmoozy, upgraded himself from beating with a taxidermied carp to a generous beating with a decaying Tiger Musky.

[19:16] And you’re being a twat, so piss off.
[19:16] I think we should all calm down...
[19:16] Punkass deserves it, he ain’t keepin’ his trap shut ‘bout stuff he don’t know about.
[19:17] Know what? Screw it, I’ll go find help elsewhere...
[19:17] Help? What kind of help?
[19:17] The kind that involves exactly what we’re talking about.
[19:18] Whatever, I’m out of here.
**Schmoozy has quit**
[19:18] you’re not actually buying into this are you cowboy?
[19:18] .. .
[19:18] Hey Dragon, I’ll just query you alright?

Too much shit to deal with skeptics, may as well confront the only other one in here on the same page as me...

[19:18] Sure, this public chat is getting tiring anyway...

I clicked on Dragon’s name and selected the query option, opening up a chat with him.

[19:18] Oi!
[19:19] Hey thar.
[19:19] So you were sayin’ somethin’ about Celestia or whatever?
[19:19] Just predicting things on how she’d react if she ever discovered the internet.
[19:19] Like...
[19:20] Flipping her lid?
[19:20] Judging by her personality... pretty sure she’d do more than that. But then again, if she ever actually came to this world, I think curiosity would fill her brain more than anything.
[19:20] Dude, if you found a pony, just come out with it already. I done played through this shenanigan with Silverness already.

Games waste time. Cut to the chase, spill the beans. Let the cat out of the bag!

[19:20] If you decked her like he did, I’ll have to hospitalize you as well.
[19:20] Now what makes you think I have a pony?
[19:20] Because the chances of you randomly speculating this for no reason is pretty much zero. That’s why.

Behold, my infallible hillbilly logic!

[19:21] I could be speculating it out of boredom or no reason. You know how random the chat is.
[19:21] Well yeah but still. They were talking about how some people claimed to have found ponies an stuff, you’re inquiring about a humanized princess pony on earth and her reactions to certain things.
[19:22] That doesn’t exactly scream ‘nothing weird is going on I swear’. So out with it.

This kid was about two steps from giving me a coronary already. And He was still adamant in his stance.

[19:22] Well now... guess my hints were a little too strong. Quickly: Which pony do you have?
[19:22] Applejack.
[19:22] And she appeared, how?
[19:23] Bare naked in a cornfield. Smelled fudge, flashing pink skies an’ shit. Went to see if there wasn’t some weird fertilizer bein’ used lately an’ there she was in all her naked glory.
[19:23] You?

As they say, lead by example...

[19:05] ...and what you’re telling me is the 100% truth?
[19:23] Yeah, now you best get talkin’ somethin’ ricky tick!
[19:23] I suggest you hold your horses, you’re getting riled up...
[19:23] Damn straight I am. I ain’t playin’ no games here. Applejack is here, I’ve found out that Rainbow Dash is here as well. So now I needs to find all the others.
[19:24] Plain an’ simple.

I really wished I was receiving a frontal lobotomy right about then.

[19:24] You’re quick to trust when certain topics arise, aren’t you? Being open about it while I didn’t reveal that much is a risky maneuver.
[19:24] A lot of people can react pretty negatively to it, and will think you’re a weirdo.
[19:24] That doesn’t exactly matter much to me. If people think I’m a nut, cool, I don’t give a damn. At this point, all that matters is getting these ponies gone human back together.
[19:25] Last thing they need is to be here on this hell hole of a planet.
[19:25] Alright... let me ask you something that I doubt the public knows about... Did Applejack tell you what happened that could have brought her here?
[19:25] Some stuff went down involving her, the others, the princesses an Discord.
[19:25] Happy?

I couldn’t contain myself any longer. I rammed my head onto my desk repeatedly to relieve the stress of getting this guy to talk. By the time I looked back up, I saw he had finally relented... all it took was some self mutilation to do the trick, apparently.

[19:26] Hmm... brief, but it’s the gist of it.
[19:26] Alright, I’m satisfied. Yes, I have a humanized pony.
[19:26] Name?
[19:26] With all the hints I gave out, isn’t it obvious? Celestia.
[19:26] I needed to be sure. So you do have her. News of any others?
[19:26] Before that... You mentioned someone named Silverness. Another pony owner?
[19:27] Yeah, I found him in an IRC an he’s got Dash. I’ve got his cell number too.
[19:27] Hooboy... Rainbow Dash. I feel sorry for him. She can’t be taking this world well.

Small talk instead of brass tacks... This dude must be a politician.

[19:27] Why?
[19:27] Well, you know her tomboyish attitude and the way she reacts to the unexpected.
[19:27] Is totally hot. But that doesn’t make it out to be bad for him. I’m jealous.

I plead the fifth!

[19:27] You have Applejack and you’re jealous?
[19:27] Dude, it’s Rainbow Dash, that’s almost as awesome as finding Spitfire, legs spread an ready on your bed when you get home.
[19:27] First off... that’s creepy. Second, let’s not go fanboy mode here.
[19:27] I’m talking humanized Spitfire dude, not full on pony.
[19:28] Pervert.

Damn cloppers, always thinkin’ things are ponies.

[19:28] Says the one who mentioned Spitfire in the first place...

Touche Doctor proctor... touche I thought to myself as I mulled over his response.

[19:28] Whatever... Anyway, I’m gonna need a way to get a hold of you if I find anything out.
[19:28] You can contact me by e-mail, since it’s what I check the most these days. One sec.
[19:29] Ok.
[19:05] It’s MidnightSkull_Dragon@wahoo.com, what’s yours?
[19:29] rainbowswagpony@qmail.com an’ here’s my cell number (555) 276-1565
[19:30] I’ll be sure to write this stuff down... anyway, do you still have time to talk?
[19:30] Yeah, I do.
[19:30] Alright, good, um...
[19:30] First of all, how is Applejack taking all this?

Thus, the tables have been turned...

[19:30] Well, she went bonkers earlier, nothin’ too serious though.
[19:31] I see. Celestia was unconscious when I brought her into one of my spare beds, but she gave me quite a start when she suddenly grabbed my arm, with those glaring piercing eyes of hers. It’s like she was faking her sleep. Scared the crap out of me.

There’s the kicker! He’s gay!

[19:31] Scared of scantily clad women are we?
[19:31] Now you’re sounding like Melissa. Ffs, what is with everyone and her damn breasts!?
[19:31] Who whoa whoa, hold the phone. Are you saying the old ass princess has giant knockers? HA!

Now to play my favorite game of all. Weird out the perv to find incriminating details...

[19:31] ...I’ll only say for a 1000 year old Princess, she looks more into her 30s than anything. I make no comment about her breasts.
[19:32] Haha, right on.

I see your apathetic response, and raise you, a boner-maker! God I love my internal dialogue at times.

[19:32] Honestly dude, Applejack’s body is bangin’. If she weren’t a former pony, I’d ravage that broad.
[19:32] Can we keep it in our pants for this dire moment? Please? You’re beginning to annoy me. D:

Plot Twist! Act innocent.

[19:32] Oh calm your tits dude, I’m just screwin’ with ya.
[19:32] Moving on... Has she adapted to her body?
[19:32] Well considering she nearly whooped my ass, wrestled with my dog an drank half my beer... Yeah, I’d say she’s doing fine.
[19:33] I’m sure it’d be scary to see a drunk Applejack.
[19:33] Surprisingly no, she’s a flirty drunk, which is fine by me.
[19:33] ...I sincerely hope you’re living with another member of the house.
[19:33] Yeah, they’re just not anywhere nearby. In fact, my dad’s like 400 miles north of here an’ my grandparents are out in Missouri.
[19:33] o got the house to myself, hence why I had the brewskis.
[19:33] So in other words, it’s just you, the dog, and Applejack.

I are a legal, edumacated a-dult.

[19:34] Yes ma’am.
[19:34] “Ma’am?”

‘Mind games’, The best move in my deck. Call him feminine and deduce his responses.

[19:34] I call everybody ma’am, don’t worry about it Nancy.
[19:34] Er, right, well... just don’t take advantage of her, alright? I’m sure she’s been through hell after what happened to get her here on earth.

No snide comebacks? No jesting insults? What kind of being is this effeminate creature?

[19:35] If anything, I should wear a chastity belt to protect myself from her. After all, I’m a damn sexy hick.

Narcissism, a healthy necessity for all rednecks.

[19:35] I’ll just assume that was more humor... But anyway, seriously, let’s not do things that could cause unnecessary trouble, like getting a pony pregnant or spreading humanized ponies around the public.
[19:35] You’ll get used to my weirdness eventually, trust me, last thing I’m gonna do is go around knockin’ girls up.
[19:35] Anyway, I’ma get goin’. I figure Aj’s gettin’ a tad hungry right about meow.
[19:36] What, no questions for me? o_o
[19:36] Nah, you seem like too much of a puss to do anything that would require me to beat you like a redheaded stepchild.

Seriously. It didn’t seem as if he could hold his own against a box full of kittens!

[19:36] ...So you’re not interested in the ponies I’ve found so far? Mkay...
[19:36] I asked you about that earlier an you didn’t say anything.
[19:36] You never brought it back up, so I thought you wanted to know other things? :/
[19:36] ...nevermind, my humor can be weird sometimes.
[19:36] Huh... I could’ve sworn I asked. Oh well. What do you know punkass?
[19:36] Ahem... well, if Rainbow Dash and Applejack are in this world, I can safely tell you that Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy are here too, with a user named “TheSlorg”. Oh, and the evil bunny, Angel.
[19:36] Oh God, that little shit’s here? Katy bar the door...

When I see that rabbit, I’m gonna shoot it. I swear to God...

[19:36] Good to know Flutterbutt an the Pink hellion are in good hands.
[19:36] Yes, I trust the guy since we’re friends. They’re in good hands I’m sure. Only problem is they’re in Australia, and that means zero access for me.

G’day mate! Le’s throw a‘nothuh shrimp on the bahbeh!

[19:37] Ah yes, way down under in the land of roo’s an’ jews. They got Jews there right?
[19:37] Anyway, I figure once we track all of them down, we can ship their asses on over yonder.
[19:37] Perhaps, it’s just the matter of making a circle of communication to all the pony owners. The only one I seem to be unsure of now, is Rarity. 5 out of 6 and what not.
[19:37] Dude, your math is whacked out, that’s four plus a princess an a sociopathic rabbit. We’re still missing Twilight an Luna.

All those extra chromosomes and not a single extra brain cell...

[19:37] Twilight... well christ, how did that slip my mind? And true... I didn’t think about Luna. If Celestia is here, there’s a high chance Luna would be, too.
[19:37] Exactly.

...Dumbass.

[19:37] However, it’s not just the Mane 6 and the Princesses I’m worried about. There’s an even bigger problem.
[19:38] Oh dear... You ran out of crack didn’t you?

I had to say it, merely for the sake of my own laughter at his (her/its?) expense.

[19:38] No, I ran out of heroin. Seriously, what’s with your humor...? :o
[19:38] I’m a funny lookin’ redneck that don’t get enough sun. Simple as that.

It’s true, my legs have been known to blind people wearing welding helmets.

[19:08] ...Moving on, The Cutie Mark Crusaders are in this world, too.
[19:38] How do you know?
[19:39] Same guy who owns Pinkie and Flutters atm. He met the guy who has ‘em. Mercy on his soul.
[19:39] o.O Well shit. That’s the guy I’d feel sorry for.
[19:39] Poor bastard has to deal with a bunch of hyperactive kids.

Scootaloo’d be awesome, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle on the other hand... Not so much.

[19:39] I can understand one kid, but three kids would be an eternal hell.
[19:40] Regardless, that’s all I’ve run into so far.
[19:40] Alright. Well, I really oughtta get goin’. Got a purty mouth to feed, y’know.

That, and I’d run out of witty comments to throw this guy off...

[19:40] Very well. We’ll keep in contact, mkay? And if you run into any more ponies, let me know about it. I’ll do the same for ya as well.
[19:40] Right on mate. Later. Have a good’n an’ stay safe.
[19:40] Sure, you too.

I shut my computer off and went back upstairs to find Applejack watching some PBR we had recorded on the DVR.

“How in the hell did you manage to figure that out?”

She looked up at me and smiled “Y’know, Ah don’t rigtly know,” she said through a laugh “Ah jus’ pressed a bunch of buttons to see what they’d do an this ‘ere rodeo came up.”

“Well shit.” I scratched my head in utter bewilderment. “Hey, you hungry? I can order us some pizza or somethin’ if you want.”

“Sounds good.” She smiled and went back to watching her bull riding. As I would later find out, this would be the cause of even more undesired stress.

East Bound and Down

April 17th, 2012

After getting shot in the ear and a night full of arguing over rodeo with Applejack, I had gone to bed without even trying to take my clothes off. I was far too tired to care, that and the next day I had some things to take care of. Starting with a phone call.

It was probably around nine in the morning when I awoke. I could tell right away that today was gonna be pretty good. Simply because I could hear out of my left ear again. Thus, my first order of business came into play. Call whatshisbucket about taking Applejack to Indiana.

I picked up my phone and tapped the ‘contacts’ icon and scrolled down until I came upon ‘Punkass’. Tapping the icon next to the name, I brought the phone up to my ear and listened to the plethora of tones emanating from the tiny speaker.

“Um, hello? Who is this?” The voice came a few seconds into the dreaded standard issue ringtone.

“You know damn well who it is,” I challenged.

“No, not really.”

“The funny lookin’ redneck takin’ care of Applejack you retard.” How could he not know? Seriously. “Can’t you tell by the accent?”

“We didn’t even voice talk. It was an IRC! How the hell am I supposed to know?”

“Y’ever given your phone number to another hick?” Sometimes, I feel like I’d make a wonderful lawyer. I made my way toward the bathroom and lifted the lid of the toilet. using one hand I undid my fly and in a sense commenced to bleed the sea monster while still talking on the phone.

“Good point, but still you could be a little friendly instead of being like an asshole.”

I didn’t really have a whole lot of time to mess with his head, so I cut to the chase. “What can I say? I’m an equal opportunity asshole. Anyway, where you gonna be in say... A few days?”

“Chicago I think, having a school trip over there or something. Why?”

My mind went blank for a second and I paused. Then it came to me, Sliverbutt said he lived in Indiana, Chicago isn’t in Indiana. “Dash gonna be with ya?”

*ZZZIP*

“Of course, I have to take care of her. Will Applejack be with you?”

“Yep, so I’m gonna start heading up to Chicago somethin’ ricky tick,” I said. “Figure it’d be good for Dash an AJ to see each other.”

“Sounds like a great idea. I’m sure Dash would like that.”

“Cool, well I’ll let AJ know an start heading up there. Got any idea where ya’ll are gonna be when it comes to Chicager?” Yes, I pronounce it ‘chi-ca-ger’ at times just to mess with people.

“Not sure, I’ll tell my friend to take me to a restaurant or some place over there.”

“Alright cool, I’ll call you again when I hit Chicago.” I got ready to hang up the phone when I realized something, I didn’t know his actual name. “By the way, what’s your name?

“Cody,” He replied quickly.

“Right on, well my name’s Garrett so yeah... Anyway, later mate, have a good’n.”

“Yup, you too.”

I ended the call and tossed the phone onto my bed. After giving my shirt a quick sniff, I decided that since I had only worn it since I got back home and pulled it out of the dresser, it was clean enough. “Why do I smell so good?” I wondered aloud briefly. I soon shrugged it off and went upstairs to find Applejack.

Just like the past few nights, she was cuddled up with Dozer on the bed, completely passed out with a small puddle of saliva next to her mouth.

“YO APPLEJACK!” I shouted as loud as I could. Thankfully, this was more than enough to wake the sleeping beauty and send her flailing to the floor with a soft thud. “You alright?” I laughed as I strode over and helped her up.

“What in the hay was that fer? Ah was dreamin’ ya know.” She stomped her foot in frustration in such a way that it was actually more cute than menacing.

“You were also drooling like Dozer. Anyway, get yer shit together. We’re leaving.”

“What? Why? Where to?”

“Chicago, Illinois. We’re gonna go see Rainbow Dash.”

~

“So yeah, if you can take care of Dozer for a while it’ll be greatly appreciated.”

“Yeah, I can do that, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen him anyway.”

“Thanks a bunch. I’ll catch you later.”

“Bye!”

I hung up the phone and set it on the receiver and looked at Applejack.

“You ready?”

“Yup. got everythin’ Ah need right here.” Applejack hoisted one of my old backpacks with a smile.

“Good.” I looked down at Dozer, who was quietly watching us. I crouched down and put my hand on his head. “You be a good boy alright?” No response, not that I expected one. I scratched him behind the ear for a bit and opened the sliding glass door for when he needed to do his business.

“Ah’m gonna miss ya Dozie!” AJ bent over and pulled his hulking body into a tight hug. She’d gotten really attached to him in an extremely short period of time. Not that it surprised me, he was an amazing and very friendly dog.

Walking around the two, I pulled the cargo bag that I had packed with a bunch of supplies we would need, along with some spare clothes, and brought it into the garage. I fixed it onto the sissy bar luggage rack and made sure everything was strapped on tight.

Reaching into my back pocket, I checked how much Copenhagen I had left, then I pulled out my wallet and made sure all the money I had withdrawn from the bank and borrowed from my neighbors was still there. One thousand three hundred forty dollars in cash, most of which came from my savings account.

With everything squared away, I called Applejack to and opened the garage door, then sat on the motorcycle and started walking it out to the end of the driveway. As she came out with the bag on her back, I motioned her over to me.

“You ready?”

“Yup!” she replied in a chipper fashion.

“Cool, wait here for a second.” I got off the bike and walked up the driveway and pressed the button, allowing the door to come screeching down.

Once I got back to the bike, I sat down on it and watched AJ as she got on behind me. I started the bike, popped it into gear and began our exciting journey to Chicago.

~

I hate Kansas, I really do. People think Nebraska is a boring drive, but Kansas is even worse. There is literally nothing in this god-forsaken land except cows, wheat fields and power lines. And our trip would involve one and a quarter days going through it purely because of the helmet law in Nebraska.

We had stopped a few times the first day to refill the gas tank and let the engine cool down in the spring heat of Kansas, and happened upon a small Diner just off I-70. As it turns out, not only did we find a nice place to eat, but we also met a rather unique and unpredictable person. A man so odd and intriguing, yet somehow vaguely familiar, that not once did I think we would come upon him in our little journey to the Midwest.

Fancy Mathematics

April 17th, 2012 “Well, howdy there! Ain’t seen you two ‘round these parts before!” a rather corpulent and elderly lady in her late sixties instantly greeted Applejack and I as we strode into the diner. “Ya’ll come on over here an’ have yourself a sit down. Ya both look mighty hungry.”

“Thank you kindly, ma’am,” I replied as I pulled out a chair and began to sit down. Before I could, however, I received a slap on the backside of my head.

“Where are your manners, youngin’? Ain’t ya gonna pull your lady friend’s chair out for her?”

I looked at AJ, who was trying her best to stifle a laugh, then back to the woman. “Uhhh... yeah.” I stood back up and walked around the table to pull AJ’s chair out for her. Once she was settled I went back over to my side and sat down.

“Now. What can I get you two?” she asked, her tone still just as elated as when we arrived. “We got some specials on desserts today, y’know.”

“AJ?” I looked over at Applejack, who appeared deep in thought about what to eat, since she didn’t respond. I turned back to the woman. “She’s a vegetarian. Got anything that might fit that kinda diet?”

“Sure as sugar we do! We got pancakes, soups, salads, fried taters. You name it, an’ I betcha we got it.”

“Ah think Ah’ll have some tomata soup an’ some salad if’n ya’ll don’t mind.” Applejack said quietly.

“You bet you can sweetie. An’ how about you, boy? What tickles your fancy?”

“Double bacon cheeseburger an’ a Coke please. Coke for her too.” I replied without hesitation.

“You got it. Now you two sit tight an’ I’ll be back with your drinks.” With that, the old lady scribbled away on a notepad she had stashed in her pocket and walked briskly away.

“She’s so nice!” Applejack said once she was out of earshot.

“Yeah... yeah she is. Must be a Kansas thing.”

The diner didn’t have many people inside, maybe six at any given time, all of them likely regulars. They all appeared to be farmers as well, judging by the way they dressed. One of them in particular looked almost like a mannequin. A big muscular fellow with a messy, almost amber-colored head of hair. Everything about him exuded a nagging sense of familiarity, from his stoic appearance to the sprig of hay sticking out of his mouth.

“Hey AJ, stay here for a bit. I’ll be right back.”

“Where ya’ll goin’?” she asked as I stood from my seat.

“Gonna talk to that guy over yonder.” I pointed behind me to the man perched unmoving at the counter.

“Alrighty... have fun?”

I walked over to the beefy mass and took a seat next to him. “Howdy.”

He didn’t say anything, deciding to nod rather than speak.

“Got a name, bud?”

“Mac,” he intoned with a rather deep, yet calm voice.

“Mac, huh? You Irish or somethin’?” I felt like a dumbass with the way I was talking to him.

“Nope.”

“Scottish?”

“Nope,” he replied in his same uninterested manner. I looked back at AJ who was looking all over the diner. I waited for her to look back toward me then I motioned her over. She got up quickly and promptly took a seat next to me.

“Need somethin’?”

“Try talkin’ to this guy, he doesn’t seem to like talkin’ to me all that much.”

“That’s cause you ain’t much fun to talk to,” she quipped. “Howdy stranger.”

“Howdy...”

Applejack looked to me with a smug grin then back to ‘Mac.’ ”What’s yer name?”

“Mac.”

“Quiet feller, huh? Come here often?” I rolled my eyes at that comment; it was beyond cliche.

“Yup.”

“Whaddaya do fer a livin’?”

“Mostly farmin’ an’ dealin’ with apples. Bit o’ this an’ that on the side.” My eyes went wide as he managed more than two words in one response.

“Well Ah’ll be, same here!” She was obviously getting excited although I didn’t see why.

It was then that the old lady came back and handed us our drinks. “Be nice to ‘em Mac, they’re from outta town.” He nodded quietly in response.

“Got a favorite kind o’ apple?”

“Red delicious.”

“Them's good eatin’. Ah prefer them Norlan apples though. So ya got any family?”

She seemed full of questions today.

“Two sisters an’ muh granny. Ain’t seen ‘em in a while though.”

“Ah know how ya feel. Ah ain’t seen muh granny nor muh brother Big Mac in a while.”

At that comment, ‘Mac’ froze up and went bug-eyed as he turned to look at Applejack.

“AJ?” he asked, seeming surprised, however hard that may be. “That you?”

“Ya darn tootin’ it is!” Quick as a whip, Mac stood up and scooped up AJ in a big, bone crunching hug. I hadn’t gotten a very good look at just how tall he was until he was towering over me at nearly seven feet. “Easy there big fella!” she cried out.

“AJ, where ya been all this time?” he asked as he sat my blonde-haired friend back down.

“Ah been lookin’ fer all ya’ll an’ muh friends.” At that moment, it seemed to click in my head. In the show, Applejack had an older brother named Big Mac, and this guy was a Big Mac. Had the same background and everything.

“So, Amy Joe, when did ya’ll decide to get out of Monett an’ come lookin’ for me?”

“Wait, what? Amy Joe?” I couldn’t have heard him right. “Monett? As in Monett, Missouri?”

“Yup,” came the ever-steady reply.

“Oh Jesus Christ. AJ, he ain’t your brother!”

“Now just hold on there. Are you sayin’ this little lady ain’t muh baby sister Amy-Joe Macintosh?” he asked dumbly.

“Not even close, brother,” I said. This earned me a rather forlorn look from the big guy.

“Ah’m sorry. She just seems so much like ‘er an’ what with the same kinda family an’ such, I jus’ put two an’ two together an’ got five.”

“Them’s some fancy mathematics,” I mumbled quietly.

“Don’t you fret none, Ah reckon it was all a simple misunderstandin’,” Applejack replied as she got up and gave him a pat on the shoulder.

Mac sat quietly for a moment, looking a tad forlorn. “Ain’t nothin’.” I took this as my cue to leave and sat back down at our original spot. I watched as Applejack stood next to him a moment longer before she turned back and walked to the table. “Think he’ll be alright?”

“Ah sure hope so,” she replied as she sat down. “Honestly, Ah feel jus’ about the same right now. Ah miss muh brother an’ muh sister an’ Granny an’ everypony else.”

I nodded in response and looked back at Mac. “Well, we’ll find ‘em eventually. Till then, we’re gonna get some food in our bellies and find ourselves a hotel. After all, we’re gonna be in Chicago tomorrow.”

~

We rode down I-70 a bit more until we came upon a small motel complex just outside Topeka, Kansas. It was dark by the time we got there, so I didn’t bother trying to figure out the name of the place. All I wanted to do was go inside, take a shower, and get some sleep. I had paid for one room hoping for two beds, but instead only got one, much to my chagrin. I had even gone so far as to hope that we could end the day without any sort of ‘problems.’ But once again, I was not so lucky.

“Hey, Garrett?” Applejack asked as I unlocked our room door and proceeded to head inside. “Remember when we met an’ you had Rainbow on yer shirt thingy?”

“Yeah, right after you flipped out and we had to run from the farmer with his boom-stick,” I replied as I sat on the bed and proceeded to yank my boots off and hurl them across the room. “Why?”

“Ah was wonderin’...how do ya’ll know about us?”

“Ah shit, that’s right. I never did tell you all that,” I took my phone from my pocket, tapped the YouTube icon and waited for everything to load. Luckily, the motel had WiFi and wasn’t secured. I typed in ‘mlp fim s2e12’ and waited for the results to show up. Once they had loaded I tapped one of the videos that was at least twenty minutes long and let it buffer. I then handed the phone to AJ and tapped the screen to let the video begin. “Watch this while I go take a shower, I’ll answer all of your questions when I get out.”

I left to shower just as Granny Smith started howling about Timberwolves and the episode began playing.

~

Squeaky clean, shaved the scrubbies, everything was in order for the next day. Everything except Applejack’s sanity. As I stepped out of the bathroom, towel wrapped loosely around my waist, I spotted AJ huddled up in the far corner of the room crying. My phone had been hurled at the wall, where it somehow managed to get stuck in the plaster molding. I could still hear the episode playing, although it was only the outro credits.

I rushed toward AJ and knelt down next to her. “Hey, what’s going on? Are you alright?” I shook her shoulder lightly.

“T-timberwolves,” she stammered. “Where’s Ma an’ Pa, Granny?”

“What are you talking about? C’mon, there ain’t nothin’ here ‘cept us two.”

“NO! MAMA! PAPA!” she shrieked as I tried to stand her up. “DON’T GO!”

“APPLEJACK!” I lost my patience and shouted. “CALM DOWN! There’s nothing HERE! See?” She opened her eyes and looked around the room. She was still sputtering and sniveling, but for the moment she seemed to be calming down. “What the hell was that all about?”

She wrapped her arms around my waist and started crying into my shoulder “Them Timberwolves took Ma an’ Pa. That thing you showed me got it all wrong. They took Ma an’ Pa that night, took ‘em into the forest an’ ate ‘em!” She continued crying for a few minutes before she started regaining her composure. “T-they ain’t that skittish. Takes a lot more than bangin’ a bunch o’ pots an’ pans to scare ‘em off.” She sniffed as some mucous started running out of her nose. “Gotta kill one before they start to even think about leavin’. Ma an’ Pa got one of ‘em before they got killed. An’ poor little Apple Bloom wanted to go after ‘em, but we knew there was nothin’ we could do! Broke our hearts to see her breakin’ down like that, she ain’t never lost somepony before, an’ in one night she lost both her parents.”

“Jesus... I’m so sorry.” I really was. I’d never lost somebody close to me before, so I didn’t really know how it felt, but I could still sympathize. “I didn’t know it was like that...” I was nearly speechless at this revelation. “I thought Equestria was all nice an’ safe an’ shit... Damn.” We sat there for a while, no talking, just her crying and me doing my best to console her. It also gave me time to think. Just how much did the show portray that was false? What else could there be that posed a threat to the ponies? Is this why AJ’s parents were never shown in any episodes? All this and more swam fluidly through my noggin, and honestly, it was starting to give me a headache. “AJ?”

“Yeah?”

“I just want you to know, so long as I’m around, ain’t nothin’ gonna hurt you, not even some Timberwolves or frilly dresses.” I offered a smile to go with my joke, though the fact is that it was met with little success. “Now you get to bed, we got a big day tomorrow.” I walked toward the motel door and pulled a cigarette out of my pack. I opened the door and began to light up.

“Hey, Garrett?”

“Right here,” I replied as I exhaled some smoke. “What’s up?”

“Ah just wanna say thank you. For everythin’.”

I turned and walked out of the room, then closed the door behind me. “No. Thank you, Applejack.”

Tempers Flared

April 17th, 2012

I sat listening to the silence of the night, occasionally taking note of the roar of a late night trucker making his way down the highway to the next truck stop. My mind was still ravished by thoughts of if’s, why’s and how-come’s. I knew of the existence of a few ponies here on Earth, like Rainbow Dash, currently in the care of one ‘Cody’. Since I had yet to shake his hand, I can’t be a legitimate judge of character, but I’ve been hypocritical nonetheless and judged a man (or boy in this case) when it’s not my place, nor will it ever be, to do so.

I flicked the cigarette butt into the parking lot in a small cascade of sparks, and sat watching the red glow of the burning tobacco slowly begin to die out.

What greater force had thrust this great responsibility on me of all people? Surely I wasn’t the best qualified for just such a task... or was I? Could it have been the fact that I had the means to assist in the reunion of alienated Equestrians? Or was it a sliver of my subconscious that told me I would defend those under my care, to death? Whatever the reason may be, I hoped that I was the right man for the job.

I stood up from my spot on the still warm concrete and opened the door to our room. I could hear quiet snoring coming from the bed as I slowly closed the door, allowing it to click near inaudibly lest I disturb the girl under the covers. Then, without a care, I slumped against the door and slid down to the floor.

April 18th, 2012

It was the sound of rambunctious kids that managed to wake me from my much needed rest at an ungodly hour of the morning. I half contemplated walking outside and giving them a piece of my mind, but ultimately decided against it as kids would be kids, no matter what one pissy adult said. The faint sound of snoring persisted from the single bed and I took it as a sign to let her sleep some more. Quietly, I opened the door and stepped outside. The brisk morning breeze shook me of my sleep-deprived stupor and allowed me to get a decent look of the buildings just across the interstate. Then, the unholy symbol of gluttony caught my eye. The wonderfully dreadful golden arches of a McDonald’s.

I set off toward the oasis of obesity, negligent of the cars stopping in my wake and allowing me safe passage through the parking lot. I waited at the edge of the highway for a minute or so until a lull in rush hour traffic appeared, allowing me to make my way across the two laned symbol of industrial conquest with relative ease. I repeated the procedure for the westbound traffic this time, although with less waiting and a bit more running.

“Hello sir, may I take your order.” A cute girl stood behind the counter, her red hair bounced as she chirped happily.

“Can I get a tall skinny redhead, ten million dollars and a getaway car?” I always thought it was a stupid joke, but it somehow managed to make the petite gal giggle. “Uh, two medium coffees and four Egg McMuffins please.” I didn’t bother listening to how much it cost and simply pulled a ten dollar bill from my wallet and handed it to her. I took a moment to rub my eyes and yawn.

“Here’s your change!”

“Thanks,” I replied tiredly.

“So... you ride?”

“Huh?” I asked stupidly, earning another giggle from the chipper teen.

“You know, ride. Like, motorcycles an stuff.”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, I do. Why do you ask?”

“Well, because you’ve got your jacket on.” I looked at my arm and indeed, there was leather in place of skin. “You know, I really like motorcycles.” Her tone, however suggestive it was, somehow didn’t manage to phase me.

“Honey, as much as I’d like to take you home and do things to you that’d make your daddy blush, you’re probably too young for me.” Stupid comments, my finest works doing their job. Messing with people’s heads. I smirked as I took note of her face going from a freckled light pink to a deep red nearly matching her uniform. She didn’t say anything for a few moments, not even when my food was ready. She just stood there, jaw hanging slightly open. “So about that coffee...”

She quickly snapped out of her trance and went to grabbing the two cups and filling them, nearly tripping over her own two feet in the process.

~

I somehow managed to make it back to the motel in one piece despite the sudden increase in traffic while I was inside the McDonald’s. I had just opened the door when I heard a snort, giggle and unintelligible muttering from within. Setting our breakfast on the bureau, I gingerly made my way over to where the blonde beauty was passed out. I took a moment to revel in the sight of Applejack with a serious case of bedhead along with the small puddle of spittle next to her cheek. “Wakey wakey, hands off snakey,” I said as I shook her shoulder lightly.

“Ah don wanna ernj,” she replied while still asleep. I shook her once more. “geddem way fer me... Nah, thassa sherfermurr...”

“Dammit Applejack!”

“It weren’t me!” she shouted as she bolted upright from the bed.

“What weren’t you?”

“What? Oh consarnit, ya caught me talkin’ in my sleep didn’t ya?” she asked sourly.

I only smirked in reply as I went back toward the dresser and opened the bag with our food in it. “Hungry?”

As we ate, I took the time between bites to explain the ‘brony fandom’ to Applejack. Everything from how it sparked controversy due to the original demographics to all the crazy things people come up with including, but not limited to, music and fan art.

“So there’s folks out there that draw pictures of me an the gang?” she asked as I started explaining fan art.

“Yup, an then some.” I made a mental note in my head not to include the bit about cloppers. “There’s pictures of just about every pony you know and don’t know, Trixie and Discord are particularly popular.”

“Why them? They ain’t that great.”

“Don’t ask me, I like the cool ponies,” I dismissed, shrugging.

“Oh? An who are the ‘cool ponies’?” It seemed I sparked an odd sense of curiosity from the country gal.

I smirked and looked her dead in the eyes. “Do you really wanna know?”

“Well, yeah, Ah s’pose.”

My smug look turned into a wicked grin. “Spitfire, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Scootaloo, Cloudchaser, Flitter, Thunderlane, Rumble, Snowflake, Aloe, Lotus, Big Macintosh, Soarin, Princess Luna and Braeburn.”

“What about Fluttershy an Pinkie Pie?”

“They’re cool an all, just annoying to me,” I said after taking a sip of my coffee.

“Ah see...”

Our morning continued like this up until about nine o’clock. Her asking random questions and me answering them as best I could. When all was said and done, I got up and started making sure I knew where everything was. After we had gotten everything squared away and ready to go, we mounted the bike and set off down I-70 like two bats out of hell, making sure to wake up everybody at the motel with multiple obnoxious revs of the engine.

~

The very second Applejack and I reached the city limit of Chicago, Illinois, a gut wrenching though came into my brain. You see, Chicago is one of those excessively ignorant liberal places that thinks gun laws save lives. And, well, next to Washington D.C., they have the strictest laws, and I don’t even have an open carry permit in Colorado. So suffice it to say, this was not a good situation.

With my right hand still on the throttle, I reached down and patted my vest where I had stashed the M1911. I reached back up and pulled the clutch, then shifted down in first as I came upon a gas station. I pulled the bike next to a pump and shut the beast down. As I got off I turned to face AJ.

“Hey, guard my girl for a bit, gotta make a quick phone call,” I said, pulling out my phone.

“Can do, sugarcube.”

Soon as I was out of earshot, I scrolled through my contacts until I came upon the entry ‘Punkass’.

“Hello?”

“Hey Cody, it’s Garrett. Say, where do you want me to meet you?”

“Oh, uh... Here, I’ll just text you the address.” He sounded a bit confused as if he’d never given somebody directions before... which he probably hasn’t.

“Ah, ok, thanks. See you in a bit.”

“Later.”

“Peace.” I ended the call and walked inside to pay for my fuel and grab a quick snack for Applejack and myself.

The second I walked outside to the pump, i got a message on my phone that read '4704 South Cicero Avenue Chicago, IL 60638’

~

“Oi! Cody! You in here?” I couldn’t help but shout as I strode into the establishment and held the door open for Applejack.

“What do you think?” I heard a voice sound from around the corner.

“There’s the little punk,” I chided as I went to greet the one I had yet to meet face to face, “So, mind if me an AJ pop a squat here?”

“Sure, why not? What do you think, Rebecca?” Cody asked a girl sitting across from him who, oddly enough, had a head of prismatic polychromatic locks.

“Who the hell’s Rebecca? I thought Dash was gonna be with ya.”

“That would be me, genius,” ‘Rebecca’ sounded. A bit harshly for my taste.

“Should’ve known by the hair,” I mused “So Dash, this here little lady next to me look familiar to ya?” I gestured to my left, evidently there was nobody there.

“Who are you talking about? I don’t see anyone.”

“He’s talkin’ ‘bout me, Applejack, remember?” Applejack said from my right side.

Thus, an unimaginable spark was ignited in the magenta orbs of the former flying pony “Of course I remember AJ! How could I not remember one of my bestest friends?”

“Ah’ve missed ya’ll so much!” Applejack bid goodbye to any sort of manners and went straight to grabbing her friend up in a bone crushing hug. I, however, took it upon myself to push Cody farther into the booth and sit down.

“Jesus, calm your tits. Ain’t been that long has it?” Girls seemed to be really emotional for some unknown reason that was forever beyond my comprehension.

“To them it might’ve been. Also, I think your bad language is influencing Applejack in a bad way.” It’s not I said anything bad...

“Boy, you want your ass whooped now or later?” Snide remarks engaged.

“Depends, but I’ll take my chances,” Cody countered, quicker than I had imagined possible for the short, skinny twerp.

“So Dash,” I addressed the former pegasus “Has whistle britches here hurt you at all since he found ya?”

“Besides, that sparring match we had, he’s been doing an awesome job. At least he has some food in the fridge,” she said matter-of-factly despite my skeptical gaze.

“So... he hasn’t caused you any sort of pain whatsoever?” One can never be too sure with these bronies.

“I said sparring. What more do you want from me? The only pain I’ve gotten is from these two dumb guys from school.” What did school boys have to do with anything? I was talking about Cody, or ‘Punkass’ as I so fondly prefer to refer to him.

“No emotional turmoil or anything like that?” I was growing impatient, why couldn’t anybody just give straight answers? I swear, she was like a politician.

“Easy there big fella, jus’ simmer down a bit.” Unfortunately, Applejack had decided to butt in before I could get a clear retort. “She looks fine to me.”

“You sure? Cause I want a damn good reason just to clock him.” I looked next to me at the kid who’s eyes went wide for a second.

“Yes Ah’m sure. Now can we get somethin’ to eat or what? Ah’m mighty hungry.”

“Finally!” And then there were five. Somehow I hadn’t noticed the tall, and admittedly pretty, white girl leaning against the wall.

“Who’s this chick?” I asked dumbly.

“This chick has a name partner.”

‘This chick is a bitch,’ I thought

“And that name is Sarah. Now for the love of God just stop arguing and let’s have a nice chat... or at least try to have one,” a bit too naggy for my taste, but I could work with that.

“Fine. What do you want, AJ?” I asked as AJ sat quietly next to her old friend.

“Uhhh... whadda they got?” she asked me, as if I knew.

“Cody,” I nudged my new compadre with an elbow, “What they got here for chow?”

“It’s a McDonald’s,” he explained quickly “Don’t ask me why there’s no sign in front of the building. Maybe hidden?”

How the hell could it be a McDonald’s and I not know about it? “No shit? Well uh... I guess you could have like an ice cream or salad or somethin’...”

“Get a salad. They’re awesome, but I’d prefer a daisy sandwich any day,” Dash said, beaming.

“Salad sounds good ta me,” the former farm pony nodded in agreement.

“Alrighty, I’ll be back,” I began as I sat up to go get some food, “You just stay here an get caught up with Dash. C’mon Cody.”

“Can do,” Applejack said with a wave.

~

To be honest, I didn’t think Garrett could do it. I mean to travel so far and be able to find my best friend so easily, it was hard to believe. But being here at this... whatever they called it, I felt wonderful knowing Dash was alright.

“So RD, Cody here been good to ya or ya just blowin’ smoke back there?” I asked.

“Like I said, we were sparring, but the first time was kinda my fault...” I noticed she hung her head a bit.

“What happened?” I reached over and placed my... uh, hand, on her withers, no, oh what’d G call them... shoulder, that’s it.

“I, um... overreacted and thought he was a minion of Discord, so I attacked him,” she said, a tad morose. Not that I could blame her.

“Yep... that’s just about the same thing Ah did. Felt mighty sorry for a while after though.” I nodded my head with a small smile.

“Same here, but he patched up the damage and told me he’d help me find you guys.” At least he had the manners to help her out afterward.

“So now we just gotta find Twi, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity an the Princesses. Boy howdy! Ah can’t wait ta see ‘em,” I exclaimed. I just felt so energized now that I was here with Rainbow.

“I can’t wait either!” RD turned to me with an excited look. “I mean, I spent the entire week searching for you guys... or tried too.” She looked away for a second, a little forlorn-looking “It’s hard when you don’t have wings anymore.”

“Ah know how ya feel.” I really did “Ah done went crazy when Ah saw Ah didn’t have mah hooves.”

“Same here. By the way, what happened when he found you?” Now it was her turn to ask the questions.

“Thought he was some sorta monster an attacked him. Didn’t exactly work too well on my end. Ended up with him holdin’ me in a way Ah could barely breath an couldn’t move much,” I said, remembering the moment I met Garrett.

~

I heard AJ’s and Dash’s voices as I approached the table. I guess they were talking about when me and AJ first got acquainted and how I put her in a choke hold. “It’s called the rear naked choke. Brother taught it to me,” I said as I sat down after Cody. “An let me just say you had it comin’, goin’ all batshit crazy on me like that.”

“You went that crazy AJ?” Rainbow Dash laughed. I noticed her eyes went derpy for a second then back to normal. “Boy, I would’ve loved to see that,” she said, still a bit giggly. She then turned serious “But still, you could’ve killed her!”

“Nah, it ain’t lethal,” I explained as i picked a french fry off of our tray. “It only knocks em out for a bit. If I wanted to kill her I could’ve just slit her throat,” I added nonchalantly. “Anyway, food’s here!”

“Alright, so the salads for the ladies and the burger for Garrett. That means the Big Macs are ours, Sarah.” I wondered what the difference was between a Big Mac and a burger, but didn’t pursue the issue. I noticed AJ looked surprised at what Cody had just said, all I could do was shoot her a look that said ‘I’ll explain later.’

“Yeah, yeah, just give me my food so I can eat. All I’ve been doing is driving you and Tyler around my hometown like a bunch of children,” Sarah said, obviously agitated “No offense to Dash though.”

“Nah, it’s all good.” Dash replied.

“Really? Punkass made you do all the driving?” I was honestly surprised, he looked old enough to drive, so why wouldn’t he? “I thought you were like seventeen, boy.”

“Technically, he’s seventeen and I’m nineteen. That and I know these streets better than these two because I grew up here. So please... can I just eat?” All hail Queen Bitch? Whatever happened to polite conversation?

“I didn’t say you couldn’t, so chow down, Miss Priss,” I replied through a mouthful of fries and burger. To which I received a slap to the back side of my head. Sarah had officially pissed me off.

“Call me priss again and it’ll be your face.”

'Try it, I dare you,' I thought.

“Hit me again an you’ll be speakin’ Arabic for the rest of your life,” I warned, knowing that, being a woman, likely under the constraints of Prehistoric Monster Syndrome, wouldn’t listen all too well. “To think I thought you were kinda pretty,” I muttered quietly.

“Right... like I’ll let you touch me,” she replied sarcastically.

'Whoever said I needed your permission?'

“Alright then, have you met Discord?” Sarah asked in her ever-bitchy tone.

“Nope, why?”

“Weird, I’d thought he’d meet everyone with a pony...” What’s this? A change in her demeanor? Obviously PMSing, nobody ever goes from ‘I’m Queen of everything’ to ‘So how are you today?’, that quickly.

“That’s a negatory, Ghost Rider. Guess the ‘D’ man didn’t want nothin’ to do with me.” I didn’t even know he was out ‘meeting’ people in the first place. You’d think he’d be locked up the second the fuzz found him.

“Maybe it was because you weren’t part of his plan or something?” Sarah quipped. Did Discord even have plans? “I don’t know.”

“Probably cause I’m so damn pretty,” I joked in the vain attempt to preserve the lighthearted mood.

“Haha, yeah right and I’m the Queen of England,” Sarah joked sardonically. I thought I was the only one who ever used that phrase.

“Well then where’s your entourage?” I challenged jokingly.

“Somewhere you don’t need to know.” Just like that, she was back to her hateful attitude.

“Fine. Just be sure to pull that big honkin’ stick,” or would it be a string? “out yer ass soon, I’m gettin’ real tired of your attitude.”

“Whatever!” I couldn’t tell, but I had a feeling I’d struck a nerve. One point to G-Man, Zero points to Queen I-Hate-Everything.

“Geez, you could be a bit, you know, nicer to her?” Rainbow Dash said, sounding a bit defensive.

“I’m an equal opportunity asshole. No holds barred. You get what you give. Hence why I ain’t givin’ you shit, you haven’t given me a reason to.” It’s true, I am. Just ask anybody.

“Seriously? We gave you food!”

“Actually, I bought mine an AJ’s,” I dismissed half-heartedly.

“Yeah, he kind of did buy his own food, Dash,” Cody interjected. Glad to know he was on my side.

“That still doesn’t mean he gets to pick on anybody like that!” I wasn’t actually picking on anybody. Besides, Sarah started it.

“Like I said, you get what you give. An I ain’t got no qualms with you, especially since, next to AJ an Spitfire, you’re my favorite.” Oh god, I love Spitfire. I was even wearing my shirt with her on it that day.

“Oh really? You know Spitfire?”

“I wish.” I would die happy if I could. “From what I’ve seen though, she’s the ultimate badass, an pretty chill.”

“Yeah, she’s chill,” RD said smugly. I didn’t even know that ponies used the term ‘chill’ for an alternative to ‘laid-back’. “But I’m not sure she’s a badass, whatever that means. More like amazingly awesome! I did get to talk with her for a while, ya know.” It seemed Rainbow had gone fangirl on us to match her bragging.

“Yup. After the Best Young Flyer dealy-o right?” I asked, distinctly remembering the episode where Dash did her ‘Sonic Rainboom’. Honestly, I’m still jealous of that. Ever since Spitfire first showed up in the show with a vocal bit, I’ve yearned for the chance of being able to meet her in some way.

“Yep, she was going on about how my amazing skills saved her life and it was something she had never seen before and-”

AJ cut off her friend before she could continue. “Alright you two, jus’ calm down an eat please. Ah’m gettin’ a bit of a headache jus’ listenin’ to ya’ll bicker an whatnot.” I could see it in her eyes, she looked pretty tired as well.“AJ’s right. Let’s dig in!” That being said, we all went silent and returned to our food. Every so often I’d catch Sarah looking at me with a hateful glare. I really hoped somebody would hit her with a truck or something soon because I didn’t want to be the one to do the dirty deed.

It Ain't Food

April 18th, 2012

I remember the smell when I walked out of the McDonald’s into the Chicago air. It smelled like shit. Shit wrapped in smog, urine, body odor and god knows what else. A ghastly combination of odors that reinforced my hatred for the urban lifestyle. So, like any sane human being, I did whatever I could to rid my nostrils of the putrid stench by lighting up a Marlboro and leaning up against the wall.

It took a little while, but after a few minutes I managed to quell the rage that had built up inside of me through my ‘interaction’ with her bitchiness, Sarah. Something about her just made me want to punch a baby, yet at the same time, I wanted to take her home and bang her like a steel drum, and that notion bothered me to no end. Here I was trying to help a pony gone sapien on her journey home, and I was feeding a thought process based solely around sex.

So lost in my own head was I, that I hadn’t even noticed the shady character standing a little too close to my bike. So close, in fact, that he was rummaging around in my saddlebags like a racoon in suburbia. Knowing that he was likely some cracked out tweaker, I did what any ill-behaved redneck would, I reached up and felt around my jacket where I had stashed the 1911, and with grim determination, wrapped my hand around the business end and briskly walked up to him. He didn’t hear me walk up and pistol whip him in broad daylight.

I don’t know when he woke up, but I’m sure that coming back to consciousness soaked in another man’s piss with the contents of his wallet strewn about his person and his crack pipe shattered next to him would qualify for a very bad day. Either way, I walked away with an extra forty dollars, thanks to some idiot who thought it was a bright idea to pilfer somebody’s stuff.

“Welcome back,” Cody said dismissively as I walked up to the the booth and leaned against the wall.

I shrugged “Good to be back I s’pose.” I noticed that they hadn’t said much, so i decided to get them talking. “Ya’ll have fun while I was away?”

“Well, it weren’t no Pinkie Pie Party, but it was alright,” Applejack said with a small smile.

Cody seemed a tad off-put by AJ’s comment “Hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?”

“Yeah,” Dash decided to pipe up this time. “You’re right.”

So it wasn’t exactly a crazy hootananny, but I suppose it was more of a ‘glad to know you’re alive, let's just bask quietly in the good news’ type of deal. “I see... Well, I figure it’s high time we got ourselves a room for the night,” I mentioned as I pulled my wallet out and started counting how much money I had. “What do you guys think?”

“Can me an RD share a room?” Applejack asked with an expectant grin. I wasn’t exactly surprised by this notion, it just so happens that bronies have branded an idea into my head that I didn’t exactly want to know the truth about.

“I don’t see why not,” Cody supplied whimsically, God only knows what perverted thoughts just ran a trail of wildfire through his tiny noggin. “What do you think, RD?”

“What do you think? Of course it’s alright!” the former pegasus practically shouted. Notions be damned... I suppressed a laugh as a thought of two scantily clad, former ponies bounced around a hotel room performing an assortment of things ranging from a G to an R rating.

“Well as long as you two aren’t having crazy cowboy buttsex,” I replied with a smirk. “It’ll be alright. “ I looked over at Cody as he sat wolfing down some french fries. “Guess that means me an’ Cody’ll share a room an’ Sarah can sleep in the dumpster outside.” She needed to know who was the boss around here after all.

“Screw that. I’m renting a room of my own where you guys aren’t invited.” She said it in such a way that, if I gave half a damn, I might have gotten a little choked up. “With the exception of RD and AJ, of course.”

“Yeah, have fun with that.” I waved her off and looked to Rainbow, who seemed preoccupied with notions of hanging out with one of her best friends for a whole night. “So Dash, you wanna ride with me on the way there? I bet you’d like it.”

“Sure, I guess.” Dash shrugged. “Why do you ask?”

“I reckon it’s the closest you’re gonna get to flying while you’re here.” Truth be told, it really is when you don’t have wings. You’ve got the wind in your face and you just float across the ground nice and smooth. It’s like flying, just... Not.

Dash looked at me as if I’d shot her dog. “Are you serious!?”

“As a heart attack.” I nudged Applejack with a smug grin. “Tell ‘er AJ.”

Applejack sat quietly for a second. I suppose she was doing her best to compare riding to something she’d never truly done before. “Ah don’t rightfully know, havin’ never flown before. But I figure he’s just about right.” She shrugged and went back to picking at her food. Something definitely seemed off about her. There was no way of knowing what exactly was going on, but I didn’t think she would be this quiet and antisocial, especially around her best friend.

“There ya go.” I pulled myself away from the wall and started stretching my arms. “So whenever y’all are ready, we can head out.”

“Alright, but first let the girls finish their meals,” I heard Cody say as I cracked my neck. “I know Rainbow Dash hasn’t eaten since we got here except for the snacks we packed, and that’s because Sarah drove non-stop to reach Chicago.”

‘You poor bastard’ my mind cried in sincere sorrow for the boy. But given his answer, I had to respond as per my demeanor toward the person in question. “Well...” I couldn’t help it. Cody had set me up and I had to go with it. “That’s why you shouldn’t let women drive.” I finished with a laugh that ended in a series of coughs.

Sarah made an attempt to kick my leg, but I managed to shuffle out of the way. “I blame the traffic. Now shut up and sit down like us normal people before you start attracting attention.”

“Well, I happen to like attention.” I tried to ignore the fact that some girl was just trying to order me around. But it wasn’t easy, so I opted for an alternative. “In any case, I’ll be outside waiting for ya’ll.”

“So you’re not going to eat?” Cody asked as I turned on my heel to start walking back outside.

“You must be blind,” I quipped as I turned back around and motioned to where I had sat earlier. “Cause I already ate.”

“You sure? I can see food where you sat and I know for a fact that an awesome pony like myself can see perfectly clear.”

‘Don’t let that notion get to your head,’ My mind sang “Lettuce ain’t food...” Argue with me all you want. That stuff is for rabbits and people who are too scared to grow a pair. Besides, I like my beef still mooing at me when I go to eat it.

Rainbow looked dumbfounded. Truth hurts, I know. “What?! It is too! We wouldn’t be eating it if it wasn’t food, genius.”

“Do I look like a rabbit to you? I eat food, not plants.” I will not be subjected to the horror that is healthy food mixed with fatty, sub-par fast food ‘cuisine’. It’s as simple as that. However, if you throw biscuits into the equation, especially the flaky kind or the ones you get from Red Lobster, the only thing you’ll get from me is the constant sound of chewing and moans of ecstasy that bordered bedroom noises.

“Oh, so you think we’re just animals to you? Huh?” Rainbow made a show of standing up and slapping her hands down on the table for emphasis. It spoke volumes of her tendency for hot-headedness, not that it bothered me all that much.

‘Way to take things out of context Dash.’ I was beginning to wonder whether or not light hearted banter and joking was, in fact, not a universal language. “If you wanna be an animal, that’s your prerogative. I just happen to know what tastes good an’ what don’t.”

“Peroga- What?” Something was telling me that Dash, no matter how much she liked Daring Do, had yet to pick up a dictionary, and it seemed that speakin’ fancy, as Applejack would say, was a surefire way of getting her off track and confused. “Speak Equestrian please.”

I waved my hand around to try and come up with an easy way to define ‘prerogative’, “It’s a fancy word for ‘your deal’.” For once in my life, I actually felt relatively smart. “An’ I ain’t speakin’ Equestrian, I’m speakin’ ‘Murican.”

Without missing a beat, Rainbow Dash shot back. “Equestrian... ‘Merican or whatever. Same difference.” She finished with a violent bite of her salad.

“Anyway, like I said.” I motioned toward the exit. “Outside. Waiting. Ya’ll have fun in here.”

“Why you...” I didn’t really think of it before, but Dash gets cute when she frowns. I just figured I should point that out, what with the way her cheeks get flushed and she sticks her bottom lip out a bit. “Fine, have fun doing your boring stuff. I’ll be eating this salad you call ‘plants and not food’.” Her tone made it clear that she was not quite done discussing her leafy greens, much to my chagrin.

“Well don’t let fear and common sense hold you back,” I said with a wave as I turned tail to walk out the door. I stopped at the door and gave Dash one last look before I called in my trump card. “Also, you got a fly on your salad,” I said with extra emphasis on ‘salad’ simply to irk her.

I could still hear her as I walked through the entryway. “A fly? Hey, get out of here! This is my food!” I could only imagine she started swatting wildly at the pesky infectious insect with a newfound fervor.

As the rest of our little crew stumbled out the door, I started the bike and motioned for Dash to hop on. I could tell she was hesitant just from the roar of the engine, but after Applejack gave her a reassuring nod, she climbed on with me.

“Two things!” She shouted over the deep rumble being emitted by 1500 cc’s of American Steel. “First, how the hay can you be around this thing? It’s so loud! And second, salad is so food!”

“One,” I said back “I like ‘em loud. Two, no.” I decided to reject her chance at a rebuttal and popped into first then scooted off down the road in search of a good hotel for the night.

Thirty minutes, one extremely secure parking space and one slightly pissed off hillbilly later, I managed to find a nice hotel that didn’t cost an arm and a leg. I had decided that, given our location, it would be a good idea to pay the security personnel to watch the Hog like hawks throughout the night. I pulled out my phone and sent the address to Cody who, I assumed, would relay the information to Queen Bitch. Then I paid for two rooms, one for Cody and I, the other for Applejack and Dash. I also made sure that AJ’s bag was stashed in her room with RD, and all my gear was with me.

Figuring it’d be awhile till Cody found the room, I turned on the T.V. and navigated through the available channels out of curiosity. Then I found it, the Pay Per View section. I saw a title that struck my fancy and clicked ‘buy’. Who knew that a cooking show could be so hot and steamy?

Author's Note

So I know it's short and all, but there's reasons for this. I need to keep things kinda tight until Silverness can get caught up. THEN, and only then, will the two of us be able to put our heads together and get things settled and figured out right ricky tick. So yeah, hope you enjoyed.