=BIG= =DUMB= =OBJECT=

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Rating: teen
Tags: Lyra, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Derpy Hooves, Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 12343

It's a bright, sunny day in Ponyville. Ponies talk, ponies laugh, and then there's the death spher

It's a bright sunny day in Ponyville. Ponies talk, ponies laugh, and then there's the huge black death sphere that sucks up all matter in its path.

Published 2012-11-22 13:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-10 19:20:47 UTC

It Begins

The morning sunlight glinted off Derpy's gray feathers as she trotted gaily across downtown Ponyville with a bright, bouncing canter. She hummed to herself, her lids clenched shut as she frolicked along. At the sound of hoofsteps, she opened her eyes in both directions and waved to the side. "Good eveniiiiiing, Miss Zecora!"

The passing zebra chuckled and called back, "And good morning to you, fine mail mare. Are you enjoying the crisp April air?"

"Oh, absolutely!" Derpy grinned in a crooked fashion while her mailbag flounced along her flanks. "Autumn is my favorite time of year!" She slammed straight into a wooden pole. "Ooof! Mmm... Ahem... Hee hee hee!" She strafed aside and continued her trot, unwrinkling her fuzzy nose. "And good evening to you too, Miss Lamppost!"

Butterflies swam trails overhead. Cicadas buzzed in the nearby trees. Ponies pranced in the background, sharing jokes, laughing, rearing their tiny little hooves. Lovers nuzzled and farmers carried their wares to and from the marketplace.

"Mmmmm..." Derpy's ears twitched as she grinned towards her destination, a two-story cottage on the corner of the nearby street. "I really do love this town! Without the ponies, it'd be boring! I mean, who'd wanna live in 'Villeville?' Certainly not me! Heehee! Ahem. One one thousand... three one thousand... four one thousand... box."

She stopped on the last utterance and blindly reached a hoof out. After a second or two, she swung her forelimb to the right, and finally made contact with a metal green mailbox.

"Ah! There we are! Thought you could run away from me, did you?" She tongued her lips, and her eyes swam towards opposite ends of the blue sky while she reached deep into her gray saddlebag. "Mmmmm... Found you!" She pulled out three envelopes, each tied with ribbons of various pastel colors. Her nostrils flared, once, twice. "Hmm... Funny. Thunderlane's letters are always perfumed. Ah well." She opened the mailbox, slid the envelopes in, and slammed it shut. "You've got lavender—er, I mean mail!" she shouted over the picket fence.

There was the awkward sound of crashing from inside the cottage. As a sing-songy Derpy trotted away, the door flew open and Thunderlane bolted out with a wide-toothed grimace. He yanked the mailbox open, pulled the three envelopes out, and buried them deep beside a rose garden with his bare hooves.

"Thunder?" A drowsy Blossomforth peered her blinking head out the bedroom window. "What are you doing—?"

"N-nothing, sweetie! Go b-back to bed!" Thunderlane exclaimed, covering the dirt up while hyperventilating. He looked every which way, as if afraid of ponies watching from the shadows.

In the meantime, Derpy pranced around the corner and reached another mailbox. She pulled out a brown package and slipped it into the container just as a cream-colored mare walked by.

"Hard at work, or hardly working, Miss Hooves?" Bon Bon asked with a wink.

"Can I take the physical challenge?" Derpy replied, leaning into the mailbox casually, only for her elbow to fall through open air. "Whoah!" she fell backwards on her saddlebag with a wheezing breath. "Bon Bon! Look out! I think Discord's back! Ponyville's upside down!"

"Hehehe... There's a reason for that," Bon Bon said before trotting into a nearby outhouse and quietly closing the door.

"Hmmph!" Derpy stood up, brushing herself off. "Silly gravity, such a meanie head." She picked up several envelopes in her mouth before dumping them into her bag. One package, however, she paused to squint at. "'To the Gates of Tartarus...'" One eye wandered up to the return address. "'G.P.T. Lula... Lula... Lulamoose?'"

Both orbs in Derpy's skull blinked, and she shrugged.

"Works for me!" She slid the package away, slung her saddlebag over her shoulder, and strapped a pair of flame-retardant goggles over her skull. "It's a good day for brimstone!" With a brisk trot, she headed west towards a distant column of smoke. "Neither rain nor sleet nor hail nor—"

THUD! A huge black shape landed directly in front of her.

"Ackies!" she fell back on her haunches, panting for breath. A resounding roll of thunder swept through Ponyville, lifting several objects off the ground before dropping them back down all over the village like neglected toys. Windows rattled. Dogs barked. Wagon alarms went off. One block down, an outhouse tipped over, followed by a sickening sloshing sound as a high pitched voice emitted several muffled shrieks within.

Gulping, Derpy's left eye rotated towards the shadow directly in front of her. Her brow furrowed, and she sat up straight. Squinting through her left eye, she planted a hoof straight over her right. A gasp escaped her lips.

Before her was a sphere, fifteen feet in diameter and geometrically perfect. The surface of the fallen onyx pearl was devoid of any spot or mar or scratch. The air about it fogged with a cloud of unearthly frost. Blades of grass below crystallized and snapped into white ash as murky bands of black smoke danced around the non reflective body.

"Wowwwww..." Derpy exhaled. She stood up, gawking at the clear patch of soil lingering beneath the unannounced ball of mystery. Though it resonated with an ethereal darkness, it itself casted no shadow. The blonde pegasus felt her heart racing, and she stammered the first word that came to mind. "Kittens..."

The inky skin of the sphere lingered before her, its rippling surface softly distilling silence into the air. The distant sounds of the village drowned out in immediate proximity to the structure. Derpy felt as though the thing was beckoning her, urging her forward.

Wordlessly, she stripped of her saddlebag and trotted towards the object. As she did so—coming within a nose's nuzzle—she saw no reflection, not even a sheen of light from the sunlight above. The surface was the purest of black colors, and there was no room for stray pieces of the spectrum to hide. Derpy breathed against the gigantic ball, as if expecting it to fog up. It didn't, but she gasped nonetheless, for she could have sworn that she heard a crackling sound, like a hatched egg sealing itself back up inside.

"Does..." she droned aloud. She reached a hoof out to the liquid black mass. "Does it taste?"

She asked no more questions; she simply trotted forward. Derpy came into contact with the sphere, and became it. There was a flicker of gray, like a lonesome pegasus was slowly drifting upstream across its jet black face, and then the image twirled into oblivion. The swirling bands of murk spiraled once around the sphere, reducing more of the nearby grass into shattering shards of ice.

Then, with the ambiant sound of rattling gravel, the sphere rolled towards the far end of Ponyville, nimble as a cat.

= BIG = =DUMB= =OBJECT=

"And I'm telling you guys, we can't get our cutie marks in hoofball!" Scootaloo exclaimed, buzzing across town on her scooter.

"Yeah huh!" Apple Bloom replied from the wagon where she and Sweetie Belle were seated with their helmets. "Just because we're not as athletic as you doesn't mean—"

"No, I'm trying to say that nopony in Ponyville allows fillies to play tackle hoofball!" Scootaloo said as she sped the three of them through the market bazaar of Ponyville. "It's a colt-only sport!"

"Since when?!" Apple Bloom frowned.

"Since ever! Look, it's a lost cause, okay?!"

"But it looks like such an easy sport!" Apple Bloom exclaimed, having to shout over the windy ride through the heart of town. "My big brother played tackle hoofball all the time when he was just a lil' pony! And he turned out alright!"

"I don't get it," Sweetie Belle squeaked, scrunching her face. "Since when did hooves have balls?"

"Unless we can somehow turn into colts overnight, we're not gonna be picked for any stupid hoofball team!" Scootaloo growled.

"Hey!" Sweetie Belle brightened. "What if we got hammers and flattened our faces until we became colts?"

Apple Bloom turned and glared at Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie Belle smiled, blinking. "Cuz that's the difference, right? The faces?"

"Hey, let's go to the soda fountain and think about it over some sarasparilla!" Scootaloo exclaimed, smiling devilishly over her shoulder. "I do my best thinking with suds spilling out of me."

"I'm game!" Apple Bloom cheered.

"Can I still do the hammer thing, though?" Sweetie Belle asked, eyes wide.

"Shucks," Apple Bloom said with a dull grin. "Reckon I'd be a terrible friend to stop ya."

"Hooooraaaay!" Sweetie Belle pumped her forelimb, nearly falling out of the rattling wagon as Apple Bloom caught her. "I'm gonna be a colt!"

"Nnnngh..." Scootaloo sped the two along. They zoomed into the distance, turning into three colorful spots on the edge of town.

Then, with the sound of gravel, a spotless sphere of inky darkness rolled through Ponyville. It slithered straight through an intersection, coming to a stop beside a street corner. A tree bordering the sidewalk started shaking. One by one, the leaves were plucked off its branches and fed into the rippling body of the object. Then, with a nasty tearing sound, the whole tree itself tore off its roots, sailing like a javelin towards the sphere and disappearing somewhere within its murky center. Gravel rattled, and the object icily spun towards the east district just as Pinkie Pie bounced into the middle of the street.

"Yippee!" Her bright hooves kicked against each other before landing. "I'm so glad to be helping you this morning, Applejack!" Pinkie grinned and skipped her way towards the Ponyville Marketplace. "I've always wanted to peddle fruit! Y'know, like they do in downtown Detrot!"

"Ahem. I'm mighty proud to have you lendin' me a hoof, Pinkie," Applejack said as she trucked two bulging baskets of apples down the road and towards the Apple Family Vendor Stand. "But I dun take kindly to that word."

"What? 'Detrot?' Heehee—Who does?!"

"No. 'Peddle.'" She spat out the stalk of hay she had been chewing on for the entire trip there. "T'ain't nice soundin' at all. We're here to sell quality apples to ponies who only want to spend their bits on the best. The likes of Flim and Flam might fancy themselves bein' peddlers, but that ain't somethin' I'm fixin' to subscribe to."

"Eww..." Pinkie made a face. "Flim and Flam have a magazine?"

"No, I—" Applejack paused at the roadside to face-hoof. "Nnngh..."

"Must be really, really annoying to only have two different types of covers to choose from!"

"Look, Pinkie, would you..." Applejack took a deep breath, tilted her hat back, and gave Pinkie a practiced grin. "Wouldja start by helpin' me spread these here apples across the stand?"

"Abso-diddle-lutely! With extra diddles!" Pinkie Pie sped around the scene like a fuschia blur, happily snatching apples from the baskets as Applejack set them down. Together, the two mares arranged the fruit neatly for all passing ponies to see in the noonday sun. "Mmmmm! You smell that, Applejack? Of all the vendors in Equestria, yours is definitely the fruitiest."

"Uhhh... I'll try and take that as a compliment, Pinkie."

"Well of course, silly! Cuz if you took it as condiment, then we'd be selling tomatoes!" She stopped and shrieked straight at the skin of one apple. "Aaack! A worm! A green leecher of farm-growned sweetnesss!" She paused, her blue eyes pulsating, then sighed. "Oh, it's just a reflection..." She turned around and grinned at the source of the lime green shape. "Hiya, Lyra."

"Yeah, uh, keep up the good work there, sport." Lyra cleared her throat, shifted the bulging saddlebags on her back, and pivoted towards the farm mare. "Hey, Applejack. Have you seen Twilight?"

"If I haven't, then it's a very skinny mare that done ate her," Applejack said. She snorted, guffawed, and slapped her knee before producing a long sigh. "Ahem, pardon. There's somethin' in the air."

"Yeah, I can tell," Lyra droned with a raised eyebrow. "Anyways, she wanted my help in an experiment of sorts, and I can't flippin' find her."

"What, did Spike finally grow some wings already?"

"Tartarus if I know. You've any idea where she is nowabouts?"

"In her treehouse, makin' all sorts of sweet love to her books, I reckon."

"I was just there; the place is closed. Nothing but squirrels and dust bunnies."

"Then go take a gander around Sugarcube Corner," Applejack said while setting out more glistening fruit. "The other gals like to have tea this time of day. Golly, I'd be there with them, but these here apples won't sell themselves. But at least I've got help; ain't that right, Pinkie?"

"Is 'nowabouts' really a word?" Pinkie Pie stammered, blinking into negative space.

Applejack grind her teeth, then threw Lyra a plastic smile. "So yeah. That place. Go there."

"I think I shall," Lyra remarked with a crooked grin as she trotted away. "Good luck with your fruity juggling act and jazz."

"Come one, come all!" Pinkie Pie shouted from where she was inexplicably straddling a nearby flagpole overhead. Ponies from all edges of the district trotted up to gawk at her. "You've tasted her melons, you've bit into her peaches"—she pointed a pink hoof down at the golden-maned farm mare who was shuddering below—"now take a bite into Applejack's golden delicious mounds of soft mush! No worm's been near it! Trust me, I know! Who will be the first to take a shot at this delectable opportunity?!"

Applejack winced as if she was giving birth. She hid her brow beneath the rim of her hat and groaned. "Just two bushels. Just two bushels and we're done for the day..."

It Continues to Begin

Further up the street, Lyra was trotting steadily towards Sugarcube Corner. She approached the front door when a heavy wind nearly knocked her off her hooves. A book on alchemy fell out of her saddlebag.

"Oh, for the love of crap biscuits..."

Grumbling, she spun around, scampered back ten feet, and snatched up the tumbling book with her telekinesis. While her back was turned, a gigantic sphere of solid black mass rolled by under the sound of rattling gravel. It was gone the very moment Lyra swiveled once more to face the eatery. With a ringing doorbell, she calmly marched into the place just in time to hear...

"And then I said, 'How about I cut off your fifth leg?!'" Rainbow Dash chirped through a wicked grin as her wings twitched. "'You won't lose much weight, Thunderlane, but at least you'll sing better!' HaHA! Ehh? Ehh?! Get it?!"

Across the table, three mares made faces.

"Mmmmm..." Fluttershy blushed.

"Ehhh..." Rarity rolled her eyes.

"Uhhh..." Twilight's lips tennis ball'd between a grimace and a grin. "I dunno, Rainbow. Wasn't that a bit over the top?" She turned a page in her book of spells and added, "I don't like hearing my friends make threats to other ponies."

"Pfft! Threats, shmeats," Rainbow Dash said, waving her hoof like she was conducting an awesome symphony. "Thunderlane and I bump heads all the time; it's how we roll! I just want him to know that somepony's onto him and his cheating ways, not that I feel bad for Blossomforth or nothing. Tchh... that girl is one tall bag of triple-jointed creepy."

"Then perhaps it's a redundant crusade to insult her significant other, Rainbow," Rarity remarked as she flipped through several colored cards before her squinting eyes. "Even if said target possesses an air of unmitigated chauvinism that would impregnate the very clouds if it had the nerve."

"Has anypony ever thought that if a stallion deserves to have his fifth leg cut off," Fluttershy murmured, "Then a mare should have her third mouth shut?"

Twilight squinted in her direction. "Huh?"

"Oh." Fluttershy tapped her hooves together pensively. "It's just something my father used to say."

"Your dad always smelled like a hospital," Rainbow Dash said. "I hated him."

"You wouldn't be the first."

"Oooh!" Rarity bounced in her seat, grinning wide at one card in her grasp. "I do believe I have found the most splendid color!" She leaned towards her frail, pegasus friend. "Fluttershy, do have a look-see and tell me what you think!"

Fluttershy glanced over Rarity's shoulder, her eyes narrowing. "It's... uhm..." Her ears drooped. "...orange."

"Well, of course it is! Orange is the new black that was the new pink that was the old white!"

"The hay are you yapping about?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Haven't you heard?" Twilight smiled and gestured towards the other two. "Rarity's been asked by Hoity Toity to make a Ponyville line of Autumn fashion."

"And I'm helping," Fluttershy added with a smile. Just as swiftly, though, she bit her lip and slumped down in her seat. "At least, I thought I was until I discovered that Rarity liked the color orange."

"Why, you say that as if you've been touched by the plague, dear!" Rarity exclaimed.

"Only 'cuz she was touched by a plague," Rainbow Dash said with thin, bored eyes. "Might as well feed her to a rampaging swarm of parasprites."

"I don't get it," Twilight remarked, telekinetically raising a cup of tea to her lips. "What's the big deal?"

Fluttershy gave a long, exasperated sigh. She gazed into blank space within the center of the group. "I was afraid of the color orange until I was age ten."

Twilight spat out her tea, gagged slightly, and held a hoof to her sputtering lips. "Oh my stars and stirrups, you must be joking!"

"Why, who ever heard of a pony being afraid of a color?!" Rarity exclaimed. "Well, true, the color green is garish as sin, but it never jumped out and bit anypony!"

Fluttershy's fuzzy forehead bristled like the back of a cat. "That's because green is not orange. If green was orange, I think I would know by now. I happen to like salad."

Rarity fanned herself with the color cards, glancing towards the other two. "Seriously, ladies, is this some extravagant joke at my expense!"

"Hah! I wish that it was!" Rainbow Dash folded her forelimbs and blew her bangs out from her forehead. "It took Fluttershy six months just to find the nerve to talk to Applejack without sneezing out blood."

"Rainbow Dash!" Fluttershy gasped. She hid her face in her mane and whimpered, "I-I only did that once..."

"All things considered, you've picked the most adorable of phobias, darling," Rarity said. Fidgeting, she nevertheless slid the color away from her eyesight. "Just d-don't get any red on my nice, pale coat."

"I'm a lot better now," Fluttershy said. "I no longer scream at citrus."

"There must be a logical explanation for it," Twilight said, blinking thoughtfully. "Some sort of trauma, perhaps, in which the color orange was imprinted negatively upon your psyche."

"Has anypony here had to spend a long time in the hospital?" Fluttershy asked.

"I did!" Rainbow's voice cracked as she rolled her ruby eyes. "It was boring!"

Fluttershy sighed. "Anypony but Rainbow Dash?"

"I had a bad case of the pony pox once," Twilight remarked.

Fluttershy turned toward her. "Do you know those... uhm... trays the bed nurses give you when you're feeling nauseous? The curved ones?"

"What, the vomit troughs?"

"Eeep!" Fluttershy covered her face. "Did you have to say that out loud?"

"Oh, you poor dear!" Rarity reached over and stroked Fluttershy's bangs. "You've once told me stories of those sad, sick days you had to endure."

"Throwing up was the worst part," Fluttershy muttered. "Apart from the scratchy bedsheets..."

"It was that bad, huh?" Twilight remarked. "Still, you chose to imprint on the color orange just because of those dishes you had to upchuck into?"

"It's the same reason she hates macaroni," Rainbow Dash said with a wink.

"Rainbow!" Fluttershy squeaked, her face red. "How many times have I told you not to mention that?"

"Snkkt—Ha ha haaa!"

"Well, not all of us are so insensitive!" Rarity said, giving Rainbow a dirty glare. "Since orange is so unquestionably evil, I do believe we can embark upon my second choice!" She spun another card up to the light and held it before Fluttershy. "What do you think of this, dear?"

"Turquoise?" Fluttershy breathed. Her wings fluttered as a warm smile came to her face. "Oh, Rarity, I love turquoise! If giggles had a color, that would be it!"

"I'm glad you approve, dear."

Rainbow Dash raised her eyebrow. "You two painting a boat or what?"

"It's like Twilight said: we're working on fall fashion this year!" Rarity exclaimed jubilantly. "It's a two-mare endeavor! Fluttershy, with all her exquisite beauty and grace, is to be my model. With her upon the pedestal, I shall endeavor to profess Ponyvillean civility and creativity with absolute talent and finesse!"

"You're whosing the whatsit with where, now?"

"Two words." Rarity tilted her chin up smugly. "Hoodies."

"That's one word," Twilight muttered over another sip of tea.

"Through hoodies, we shall conquer the globe!" Rarity's eyes flickered red as she pumped a forelimb. "With fashion!"

Twilight swallowed her tea and pursed her lips. "Come to think of it, it's not really even a word, but a slang personification of just one part of the overall article—"

"This is why Twilight sticks to books!" Rarity exclaimed, shuffling her cards around. "And I stick to sewing. And you, Rainbow Dash... heheheh... stick to being sticky."

"Hey!" Rainbow frowned. "I get down and dirty with the world cuz somepony around here has to be awesome and it might as well be me!"

"And you have such an eloquent way of doing it."

"Pfft! You know what? You go on ahead and take a huge dive into your sea of sewing machines and pincushions and make all the stupid autumn lint you want!" Rainbow Dash leaned back, kicking her rear legs up. "Heck, I don't even need a hoodie! The upper atmosphere never gets to me! I just fly faster than the speed of cold!" She blinked, her brow furrowing. "Come to think of it, who needs a hoodie?! Hoodies are dumb, just like you two are dumb for implying with your stares that I'm dumb to be even thinking that hoodies are dumb."

"Rainbow Dash, how can you—?" Fluttershy started.

"Dumb!"

Fluttershy glared and continued, "Even I've seen you wear a scarf or two from time to time."

"Ugh..." Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "That's because of some super-stupid Equestrian weather flying regulation. For the last two years, they've made us wear raincoats in July for when we had to build cumulonimbus clouds over Baltimare. I put that ugly yellow garbage bag stuff on, and suddenly every bee within a hundred miles is poking me for pollen."

"At least something has taken a liking to poking you," Rarity muttered aside.

"Well, hoodies are different, Rainbow Dash!" Fluttershy said. She hugged herself and murmured melodically through a cheerful smile, "They're all snuggly and warm and you can stretch the sleeves out to cover your hoofsies when it gets extra chilly—"

"Did you really say 'hoofsies?'" Rainbow Dash remarked with a glare. "I really, really hope you didn't just say hoofsies."

"For hoodies, I'd say 'I do,'" Fluttershy cooed like a blushing bride.

"Well, yes, this is all quite the wonderful little debate that we're having," Rarity muttered. "But we truly must depart for the Carousel Boutique if we are to make any headway on Hoity Toity's behalf."

"Awwww..." Twilight's face grew long. "But it feels like you two just got here! Must you leave so soon?"

"A thousand apologies, Twilight," Rarity remarked. "Business is business, after all. Otherwise, we'd be absolutely enthralled to help you with your... with your..." She leaned in and squinted her sapphire eyes. "What is it that you are currently researching, again?"

Twilight grinned a crescent moon and pointed proudly at her book. "'A Historical Overview of the Effects of Crystalline Nanoparticles on the Upper Unicorn Manathalamus!'"

Rarity blinked. Through the window behind her, something large and black rolled into view, lingered, then slid away under the rattle of gravel. She tongued the edge of her lips and exhaled. "Uh huh..."

"All I heard was 'mana,'" Fluttershy murmured.

"Well, perhaps you can fill us in on your research tomorrow afternoon," Rarity remarked, standing up. "And Fluttershy and I can update you on the progress of our hoodiemongering." She tilted back with an airy laugh. "Oh ho ho ho! I do hope that you have all observed that which I have done there!"

"You lost me at 'well,'" Rainbow droned.

"Hmmph! Well at least some of us are creative with our parting breaths!" She tossed her purple mane and gestured at her feathered friend. "Come, Fluttershy."

"We've chosen, turquoise, r-right?"

"Most assuredly, darling. Turquoise is the new anti-orange, for now and forever."

"Shall I grab your bag or—"

"Who are you, now? My servanthoof?" Rarity smirked, easily levitating her satchel with blue telekinesis. "A lady, amongst friends, looks after herself! But of course!"

"Ooh, Rarity!" Twilight gasped, craning her neck to look better. "Is that what I think it is?"

"Hmm? Oh!" Rarity rolled her eyes and waved a hoof. "Absent minded me! I forgot to show you my progress!" She tugged at a bright brim poking out of her satchel. Soon, a milky-white sunhat pinned with sky blue flowers floated proudly between the four mares. "Ta daaaa! It's not even close to being finished, but as soon as it's done, Mrs. Cake is going to be in absolute stitches!"

"It's such a shame she wasn't feeling well enough to be here today," Fluttershy said, gesturing towards the far end of Sugarcube Corner. "Seeing something as dazzling as this would surely have lifted her spirits."

"There's a bad flu going around, isn't there?" Twilight remarked.

"Ugh, it must stink having to live on the ground all the time," Rainbow Dash said. "All those nasty germs and colds... and pine cones..."

For the last ten seconds, Rarity had been exchanging glances between the hat and Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash finally noticed it, and she lifted an eyebrow quizzically. "What?"

"Oh... uhm..." Rarity chuckled nervously. "Nothing, it's..."

"Well, is there a reason for why you're staring at me or isn't there?"

"Just... hold still for a second," Rarity said.

"Uhhhh..." Rainbow Dash gulped. "Okay..."

Rarity leaned over. She levitated the sunhat high and plopped it softly down onto Rainbow Dash's head. She sat back, rubbing her chin with a hoof, squinting in deep thought. Not long after, Fluttershy trotted up, standing so close to Rarity that their cheeks nearly smooshed together in an attempt to capture the same sight. Even Twilight slid over to glance over their craned necks.

None of this was lost to Rainbow, who was starting to fidget so much that her chair rattled. "Okay, what's the big deal? What are you guys looking at?"

"If we could just..." Rarity leaned in. Without asking, she slid some of Rainbow's colorful tresses aside, forcing the mare to tilt her head at a profile. Finally, Rarity sighed, then gently pulled the hat off the pegasus' head. "Oh well. If only, Rainbow Dash. If only..."

"If only what?" Rainbow asked, numb with confusion.

"Alas..." Rarity sighed with a smile and slid the sunhat back into her bag. "It's not a perfect world."

"Agreed," Fluttershy said.

"If only what?!" Rainbow snarled this time, hovering above the table.

Rarity and Fluttershy exchanged glances. Oddly enough, it was the latter who turned and said, "You really do have the most marvelous of manes, Rainbow Dash. Not only that but... uhm..."

"Out with it!" Rainbow folded her forelimbs, frowning. "Why are you ponies always... always trying to get me to model for you and crud?!"

"It's okay, Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said with a gentle smile. "I can relate. Everypony knows that I'm a great model, but I don't like doing it. Well, that's not true. I like doing it for Rarity, but that's because she's my friend, and if there's anything you can be with friends, it's comfortable. Also happy. Happy helps."

"Someday, Rainbow Dash," Rarity said in a sing-songy fashion as she and Fluttershy trotted away. "You too may feel comfortable, and my stars that will be a most fabulous day!"

"Why the heck would I ever stand around in stupid, frilly outfits for your amusement?!" Rainbow spat. "Fluttershy's the cute one of the bunch! Not me!"

Fluttershy and Rarity lingered in mid-canter, as if their hooves had magically plunged into a puddle of molasses. Not daring to look back at Rainbow, they quickened their pace and exited Sugarcube Corner in a two-pony train. "Ta ta, everypony!"

Rainbow Dash frowned and planted her hooves against her sides. "I am not cute!" her voice cracked.

Twilight snickered.

Rainbow turned and scowled even harder at Twilight. "I'm not! I mean it! I'm awesome! Awesome can't be cute! Awesome is like the big fish in the sea that swallowed up cute! Do I look like a shark or do I look like a minnow?!"

Twilight swallowed the last of her tea and flipped another page to her book. "Well, I can't spot any gills on you, Rainbow. But there's one thing I most certainly see."

"Yeah?"

Twilight bit her lip.

Rainbow leaned down, her teeth clenched. "Yeah...?!"

"Mmmm..." Twilight's cheeks threatened to burst with giggles. "Do I really have to spell it out for you?"

"Nnngh—Gaah!" Rainbow Dash pulled at her hair. "Stupid ponies... st-stupid mane! There's nothing marvelous about it at all! I... it... that... Grrrrrr! I'm gonna go kick some clouds!"

Rainbow Dash spun and bolted towards the door with the sound of muffled jet engines, only to plow into a mint-green unicorn.

"Gaah!" Lyra fell against the wall, juggling the books flying out of her saddlebag.

"Hey!" Rainbow hissed, catching her winged balance. "Watch where you're standing! You're lucky I didn't lose half my feathers!"

"Jeez!" Lyra rolled her eyes. "Sorry I rocked your world! Next time I'll try innocently lying on the ground so you might hit me better!"

"And I just might! Because... uhm..." Rainbow Dash fidgeted in midair. "That's what... tough... awesome ponies do! They bully and get away with it!" She blinked for a few seconds, then swatted Lyra's mane so that it fell over her nose. "There! Now you can't see what's in front of your face!"

Lyra sighed into her cyan follicles. "No, but I can certainly smell it."

"Oh yeah?!"

"Smells like apricot."

"Hah! Well that's—" Rainbow Dash's eyes went crooked. She rubbed her chin in thought and whispered, "Apricot isn't a cute smell, is it?"

Lyra parted her mane and glared lethargically at the pegasus.

Eventually, Rainbow Dash shook, growled, and blurred out the front door with a ringing noise. "I'm coming for you, clouds!" The door slowly swung shut behind her, but not without revealing a big black sphere as it absorbed picket fenches one by one across the street in a splash of murk. Another ring, and the door closed on its own.

Lyra exhaled, smoothing her bangs. "There's a pot at the end of that pony, but it's not full of gold."

"Lyra!" a heavenly voice chirped from across the way. "Hi there! I didn't see you earlier! How long have you been standing there?"

"Sorry, Twilight," Lyra murmured. "I didn't want to interrupt your..."

Lyra looked up. Lyra's breath left her yet again.

Twilight smiled back, her silken bangs shimmering in the sunlight from the window. Dust particles danced over her streaked mane like cosmic trails behind a violet comet. The sheen of her coat was overwhelmingly shiny, like a sheet of silk stretched over a honeymoon bed. When she blinked it was as if bright bursts of purple cannonfire were shooting flower petals through the perfurmed air. Her lips curved even more, the snow-white teeth piercing the spectrum with a glinting shine, sending rivulets of joy coursing through Lyra's already heavily-beating heart.

"What was that, Lyra?" Twilight spoke, her voice vibrating like the chorus of a thousand virgin angels. She giggled slightly and her bangs flounced before once again framing a perfect, adorable face. "You didn't wish to interrupt what?"

As always, Lyra exhaled. As always, Lyra gave a drunken smile. And as always, Lyra had to control her breath so as not to wheeze. "I was told that you wanted me."

Behind the dull table, a confused lavender unicorn blinked. "Eh?"

Lyra snapped out of it, wincing heavily. "Erm, I-I was told that you w-wanted me to... t-t-t-to help you with... your... your..." She took several large breaths and whipped out a pair of tomes in front of her like a humongous shield. "Books!"

Twilight squinted, squinted harder, then gasped wide. "Oh! Of course! Our experiment session!"

"Yes!" Lyra chuckled nervously, using the books to hide the blush in her cheeks. "Our experiment, Twilight Sparkle! Ahem... the one that you wanted to do... with the books... and the afternoon."

"I'm glad you showed up, but you didn't have to stand there and wait for my friends to leave!" Twilight levitated a stool over beside her. "Here!" She slapped her hoof across it. "Have a seat!"

"Uhhh.. sure thing. Whatever you say, Tw-Twilight." Lyra grinned awkwardly. She trotted over on scuffing hooves, placed the bulging saddlebag down, and sat. After a few seconds, she scooted a few inches away from Twilight for good measure. "Ahem. So, like, I brought a ton of friggin' books, 'cuz in that letter you sent me... you asked for a ton of friggin' books."

"Oh! I do hope that it wasn't too long of a letter!" Twilight bit her lip nervously as her ears drooped. "This idea struck me so suddenly, and I kind of get carried away when I chance upon a brilliant idea. You sure you're okay with working with me?"

"I am very sure," Lyra blurted, winced again, and added in a meeker tone, "That is, if you think my... uh... skills are of any use."

"Oh, absolutely!"

"But I only minored in alchemy," Lyra said. "Sociology was the major I studied for in Trottingham College."

Twilight looked at Lyra's cutie mark, then at her. "But why do you have a 'lyre' on your flank, then?"

"Hobbies are boring," Lyra droned. "Let's get to work!"

"Okay!" Twilight rubbed her hooves together and lifted the book she had been perusing all that time. "It's a good thing I got a head start when I came here! We're about to do what two mares of our age and stature have never done before!"

"Oh?" Lyra leaned in, her amber eyes sparkling.

"Yes!" Twilight chimed. "We're going to find a cure for my brother Shining Armor's insomnia!"

Lyra's ears drooped as her face went dull. "Oh."

"Starting with what I read here about crystalline mana conductors in negatively charged space! With all the work my brother's done in Northern Equestria, this might lead us to finding a cure!"

Lyra sighed, leaning on her hoof as she gazed limply at Twilight's profile. The tiniest of stupid smirks lit her lips. "Insomnia's a real female dog, isn't it?"

"Oh, crystalline mana conductors have been tested on canines before, but I've done my research, and aside from the fact that such experiments are now considered illegal, there was no genuine results to be had that can now help us with our endeavor..."

In the background, the door rang again. The sound of rolling gravel rose and subsided as Sweetie Belle waddled in from Ponyville, unstrapped her helmet, and approached the glass counter.

Mr. Cake trottd up and smiled down at the filly. "Why, hello there, Missy! What can I get for you today?"

"Oh, no sweets this afternoon, Mr. Cake!" Sweetie Belle beamed wide. "My friends and I are parked outside, and I thought I'd ask if we could borrow one of your hammers!"

"Well, I suppose that's not too much to ask—" Mr. Cake did a double-take. "Er... what for?"

"You were a colt before you became a stallion. I'm sure you can understand!"

It Begins to Continue

"Have you ever wondered," Pinkie Pie said, "That maybe we are all the size of cats, but we just don't know it?"

"Get yer sweet golden delicious app—!" Applejack froze in the middle of throwing her voice across the Ponyville marketplace. She turned around and squinted fixedly at Pinkie Pie. After a few limping seconds, her eyebrow raised and she slurred, "Well, I reckon that would make us all easier to cuddle, now wouldn't it?"

"It might also explain why I keep coughing up pink hairballs in the morning!" Pinkie bounced, grinning with her eyes shut. "Eee-hee-hee!"

"Yeah, uh..." Applejack sweated. "You work on that. Ahem." She spun once more to the wandering shoppers and pedestrians. "Get yer sweet golden delicious apples! Home-grown, home-plucked, and home-washed!"

"Yes!" Pinkie Pie shouted from the other side of the stand, balancing a crate of apples precariously on her fluffy tail. "Home-washed with home-love! You can smell the home-juices just dripping off their supple curves!"

"Uhm..." Applejack glanced over her shoulder. "Pinkie?"

"Why, it's like we tossed these apples at the bottom of a home-pile and made a home-bath out of our home-faucets! Twist the knob, and what do you get? A sweet broth of home-bobbing fruity delights! This is Sweet Apple Acres juiciness we're talking about, and Applejack's family legacy is only outweighed by her honesty and spunk! Which of you shifty-eyed ponies would be the first to doubt Applejack's spunk? Come on over and taste some—!"

"Pinkie!" Applejack grunted. After clearing her throat and trotting over, she whispered hoarsely into Pinkie's twitching ears. "What say you and I do things a lil' different-like?"

"'Different?' Heeeey, why not?" Pinkie grinned wide. "My Mommy always said I was born 'different.' I think that's why she had me sleep outside the house so much."

"How abouts I do the hollerin' and sales pitchin' while you just hoof the apples out to the potential buyers?"

"You mean I don't get to talk?" Pinkie pouted, her coat taking on a salmon color. "What fun is life if I don't get to approach it tongue-first?"

"Think of it as you bein' my one and only special mascot!" Applejack whispered with a nervous, freckled smile. "I toss all the words around, and you just quietly stand here... uhhh... I dunno. Lookin' pretty."

"Oooh! You mean like a model?!"

"Uhhh... Yep. Sure..."

"Do I get to wear the hat?!" Pinkie Pie beamed.

"Shucks, why not?" Applejack took her brown article off and plopped it eagerly atop Pinkie's fluffy crown. "I bet it looks better on yer pink head anyways, what with this bein' a bright and sunny day and all."

"Mmmm—It feels so nice and snug over my mane!" Pinkie tilted the brim down and flared her nostrils. "Heehee! And it smells almost as good as Dashie says it does!"

"Yup. Reckon it—" Applejack's green eyes went crooked. She squinted Pinkie's way. "I beg yer pardon?"

"Mmmm-mmm!" Pinkie hummed through bloated cheeks. She made a "zipping" motion across her lips with a hoof. "Mmmmm...."

"Oh. Uh... Yes. That's the spirit. Ahem. Just wrap that spirit snugly around you like a blanket and make my fruit look good.." Applejack turned waved at the marketplace shoppers. "Get yer delicious Sweet Apple Acres fruit, right here! Fresh and crisp! As natural as it gets!"

Pinkie Pie proceeded to strike several dramatic and quasi-sensual poses beside the stand, changing positions each time Applejack uttered a new sentence. This was accomplished while balancing several sets of apples across her nose, chin, ears, eyelids, and other random organs. Several minutes passed, and Pinkie was spinning half a dozen apples around the rim of Applejack's hat, when a snow white figure trotted up and tugged on her tail.

"Hi there, Pinkie Pie!" Sweetie Belle sang.

"Mmmm!" Pinkie fell backwards, lifted all four limbs like a dead skunk, and caught the apples before they hit the ground.

"Hey! Smoothe moves!" Sweetie Belle giggled, then cleared her throat. "So, the other crusaders and I decided to become colts."

Pinkie looked up with crooked blue eyes. "Mmm-mmming-Mmms?"

"Yuh huh. And Apple Bloom remembered that you're all bouncy and stuff, so we thought you may be the kind of pony who knows the best about dealing with blunt objects. So I was wondering if I could ask you something." She raised a hammer in her hoof, monogrammed with Mr. Cake's initials. "Where's the best place in your muzzle to hit yourself so that your face becomes flatter?"

"Mmm-Mmmmslf?!" Pinkie hummed, jumping up and juggling the apples with a look of morbid terror on her face. "Mmmm-mmmm-mmmmings—Mmm?!"

"Really? Cuz I thought that if I aimed straight between the eyes"—Sweetie Belle planted the hammer's head atop the bridge of her nose until her green irises crossed—"I'd drag the rest of the face along with it. But I wonder just how hard me and the gals have to hit ourselves there. I mean, we wanna become colts, but I'm not sure we wanna stay that way. You see, there's a tackle hoofball competition happening in town soon, but they're not letting fillies join either team, and we really wanna earn our cutie marks in something that involves less explosions than what we've been trying as of late."

"Mmmm-mmmm-mmmss Mmmtnngh!" Pinkie Pie hissed, her nostrils flaring as her bulging cheeks turned purple. She lost herself between waving her forelimbs wildly and keeping the apples balanced atop Applejack's hat. "Mmmm-mmm! Mmmm-mmm!"

"Well, we tried joining the curling team last year, but... well... Scootaloo has this phobia of ice. She doesn't talk about it much; I think it has something to do with her parents..." Sweetie Belle gulped and bore a solemn expression. "Because, well, you know: their religion and all. They won't let Scootaloo around either snow or blood transfusions. That's why we avoid using the sled each year until Rarity pulls the pillow-suit out of the attic for Scoots to wear during the winter slalom festival."

"Mmmm-Mmmm-Mmmmsnth Mmm-mmf-mm-mmtch!"

Sweetie Belle blinked, then turned the hammer around. "Oh! I thought this thingy was just for pulling nails loose! You mean it can also stretch my skin tight?!" The little foal hopped in place, her curly mane flouncing. "That's so cool! Why didn't I think of that?! All we have to do is lose some skin off our crowns and we'll become little stallions! Thank you, Pinkie! As soon as we form ourselves a new hoofball team, we're making you our official mascot!"

Sweetie leaned over and nuzzled Pinkie's forelimbs. Pinkie screamed and hissed through her clenched mouth, but it was too late. In a bouncing canter, Sweetie carried the hammer towards the edge of the street, hopped into the crusaders' wagon, and was pulled away at the speed of giggles.

On the other side of the vendor: "Y'all come back now!" Applejack said in a melodic tone as she waved off a customer with a bag full of freshly bought apples. "Yeeeha! First sale of the day, and what a doozy!" She rattled the golden bits in her hoof before sticking them securely into a metal box beneath the vendor stand. "Whew! Thank goodness that herd from Salt Lick City moved into town! Nothin' fits a coffee-shaped hole in a pony's heart than nature's candy!"

"Mmm-mlmck!" Pinkie Pie clasped the farm mare and stared wide-eyed in her face. "Mmm-mmm Mmmlmff!"

"Uhm... You can talk normal-like, Pinkie. Not everpony is fluent in 'bedpilloweese.'"

"Mmmmm..."

Applejack sighed, rolled her eyes, then smiled calmly. "Alright. Consider yerself punched out from the apple modelin' clock for a five minute break."

"Mmmm—!" Pinkie Pie "unzipped" her lips, gasped widely, and spat forth, "SweetieBelleisgonnahitherselfinthefacewithahammeruntilsheturnsmaleandit'sallmyfault!"

"Wait... Huh?" Applejack rubbed her ear and tilted it in Pinkie's direction. "Could you start over and be a little less chipmunk about it this time?"

"Sweetie Belle wants to become a stallion!" Pinkie squealed, sweating in horror.

Applejack raised an eyebrow, nodding slowly. "Ya don't say." She cleared her throat. "Well, if Chaz Bonoats could do it, then I reckon sky's the limit."

"No! You don't understaaaand!" Pinkie wailed, shaking Applejack's head until the farm mare saw stars. "There's gonna be blood and hoofballs involved! It'll be the Chicacolt Democanter National Convention all over again, and they're gonna blame me! We have to do something or else—"

Just then, there was a series of shrieks from across the marketplace. Pinkie Pie turned to look, along with a dizzy Applejack. They saw several ponies galloping away from half a dozen wooden vendors. The market stands were collapsing, imploding, and sailing off towards the edge of town as if being drawn into an infinitesimal vortex. Then, with a dull echoing rattle, a dark shape rolled off towards the furthest block, obscured by wooden buildings.

Pinkie Pie and Applejack stood in silence. Several birds flapped overhead, scattering towards the horizon in chirping fright. After a few seconds, Pinkie murmured, "Wowsers..." She pivoted her head squeakily towards Applejack. "Do you know what this means?"

"Sure do!" Applejack gently pried Pinkie's hooves off of her and stood up straight. "We've got less competition! Now's our chance!"

"You mean I get to do more modeling?"

"Tartarus, I don't see why not." Applejack smiled and set her hat straight atop Pinkie's head. "Now, sugarcube, just what were you goin' on about? What's all this horse hockey over Sweetie Belle?"

"Sweetie who?"

A drop of sweat clung to Applejack's temple. "Uhhhhhhhh..."

"Hey! Do you smell apples?" Pinkie bounced in circles about the vendor. "I love apples! I should model for them sometime!"

"Yeah. Let's work on that..." While Applejack paced around her wares, a gray shape darted overhead.

Catching a heavy tail-wind, Cloud Kicker glided briskly over the rooftops and chimneys of Ponyville. Her goggled eyes squinted as she angled her wings and pulled herself up towards a fluffy bed of clouds. Nearly a dozen other pegasi were perched there before her. She touched down beside the bunch and coiled her wings at her side.

"Sorry I'm late, everypony!" Cloud Kicker exhaled as she lifted her goggles up. "There were a bunch of chemtrails blocking my flight path here. I don't care what the Canterlot Government says; I'm pretty sure cosmic alicorn ghosts are responsible for how hot Equestria's become these last few equinoxes—"

She paused, for there was a crashing sound from below, followed by high pitched screams. An entire warehouse collapsed, absorbing itself within the deathly grip of an onyx spheroid. The object rolled along, disappearing mistily into a gnarled set of dead trees.

"Hey..." Cloud Kicker's eyes went thin as she murmured. "Did you hear?"

"Hear what?" Wind Whistler asked.

Cloud Kicker leaned forward. "There's a terrible, horrible, hungry monster ravaging its way through the center of town." Grinning, she extended her wings and hissed, "And his name is Hurricane Thunderlane!"

"Hahahahaha!" Wind Whistler and Raindrops hugged each other, giggling gleefully.

Candy Mane rolled her eyes and straightened her goggles. "Pfft! More like a waterspout, if you ask me."

"He's spouting lots of stuff, alright!" Cloud Kicker winked. "But it ain't water!"

"Poor Blossomforth," Wind Whistler said. "Maybe one of us should be a good friend and tell her to ditch him."

"I dunno," Candy Mane murmured while examining her wings. She smirked and said. "That scrawny bundle of limbs could use the protein."

"Hahahahaha!" Raindrops laughed, sighed hard, and smiled numbly into the noonday sun. "Ahhhhh..." She blinked. "I don't get it..."

At precisely that moment, Rainbow Dash touched down, making the entire cloud bend and undulate like a waterbed. Every pegasus stood straight at attention.

"Okay, team! I'm done surveying the skies! This has been a dry day, so we've got quite the quota to fill!" She turned and glared at the various winged ponies in attendance. "Raindrops! I want you living up to your name and spreading heavy precipitation over the western farmlands! Get Stu Leaves to help you! He needs the training!"

"Yes, Miss Dash!"

"Candy Mane! There're tons of leaves clinging to the eastern park's jogging trails like loose lizard skin! I need you, Wind Whistler, and Cloud Kicker to create a downdraft and sweep that place clean! You think you're up for the challenge?!"

"Absolutely!" Candy Mane saluted. "We'll blow hard for you anyday, Miss Dash!"

"Fantastic!" Rainbow Dash turned and glanced aside. "Caramel, I want you to—" She did a double-take. "Caramel?!"

The stallion saluted. "Yes, Miss Dash!"

"What are you doing here?"

"Anything you ask me to, sir!"

"I know that, but you're an earth pony!"

"I am?" He blinked. His eyes widened. "Oh crap." He fell through the cloud bed with a loud yelp.

All of the pegasi stared down through the fresh hole. The fluffy whiteness closed up behind him, muffling the distant sound of crashing tree branches.

Rainbow Dash blinked. "Right!" She slapped her hooves together and glared at the gathered group. "Let's be quick about this, everypony! The spirit of Commander Hurricane resides in all of us! We are more than just weather ponies! We are warriors! Valkyries of the Equestrian sky!"

"Sir, yes sir!" Candy Mane saluted. She turned towards her team members. "Okay, ponies! Let's go and—"

"Never underestimate the heart of a champion!" Rainbow Dash shouted, pumping her forelimb. "We shall fight until the last cloud disappears from the atmosphere! And even then, our souls will live on! Now let's hear it!" She took a deep, wheezing breath, then warbled forth, "Raaaaaaaaugh!"

There was no echo to the cry, for the silence that descended upon it was thicker than blood.

Rainbow Dash blinked, her upper body heaving from the abuse to her lungs. She gawked at the group.

They stared back, blinking, until one by one them snickered and broke into snorting laughter.

Rainbow's brow furrowed. She folded her forelimbs and growled, "What's so darn funny?"

"Heeheehee—Ahem..." Candy Mane flapped her wings, smiling. "I'm s-sorry, Miss Dash, but... uhm... what was that just now?"

"That was my war cry! Y'know!" Rainbow Dash shrugged. "Like Commander Hurricane would do to get her troops motivated!"

"Your war cry..."

"I'm pretty sure I just frickin' said that."

"I know, Miss Dash... but..."

"But what?"

As Candy Mane nervously scratched her head, Cloud Kicker trotted forward over the wisps and said, "Maybe you should... h-hold off on the war cry."

"Yeah!" Raindrops nodded. "Let Thunderlane do it next time he's here."

"Oh, he's pretty good at grunting loudly," Wind Whistler said in a pensive breath.

"Mmmm..." Raindrops fanned herself with one wing.

"Hey!" Rainbow Dash gritted her teeth. "I'm your team captain and I'm supposed to be able to motivate you—"

"And you do, Miss Dash! You do!" Candy Mane exclaimed. She fought to keep a straight face. "Just, when you try to shout like an ancient sky warrior—"

"Snkkkkt—Heeheehee!" Cloud Kicker broke out.

"It's like my little sister getting her ears pierced!" Wind Whistler blurted.

Cloud Kicker laughed even harder, joined by a teary-eyed Raindrops.

Rainbow Dash's jaw fell. Her eyes glistened slightly as her ears drooped. She tried to snarl, but instead her voice cracked, "H-hey! Who says I can't scream in a fierce and intimidating way? I'm not just the fastest flier in all of Equestria! I'm the awesomestest... est!"

"Awwwww..." Candy Mane grinned, reaching over and ruffling Rainbow's prismatic mane. "But of course you are, and so much more!"

"Grrrr!" Rainbow batted her limb away and flew above the group, pointing with a snarl. "I'll have you all demoted to entry level cloud huffers! See that I don't—" The last word fell out of her mouth as her voice cracked again. She clamped a pair of hooves over her throat, her face deep red. "Nnnngh... Darn it!"

"Heehee! It's a pleasure to work with you, as always, Commander Dash!" Candy Mane motioned towards the crowd. "Okay, 'warriors,' we have jobs to do!"

"Onward!" Cloud Kicker said in a burly fashion, charging skyward with a ridiculous show of wingpower. "'Raaaaaugh!'" Her yell was punctuated by a series of high-pitched giggles, joined in cadence by her wing mates as they sped off towards their respective destinations.

"Grrrrr..." Rainbow Dash fell down to the cloud and slapped her neck several times. "Stupid... stupid... stupid voice! Stay stra-a-aight—" She hit herself too hard with the last swat. Her face winced and her left eye teared. Sniffling, she shook her head and wheezed, "Bleachk... I have to do something awesome before the day's over, even if it kills me. My reputation depends on it!"

That said, she reached down, scooped up the entire bed of white wisps, and bunched it up until it turned into a dense, gray thundercloud.

"Now what can I make explode by sunset...?" Looking around with a wicked glint to her eyes, she carried the rumbling ball of precipitation towards the far end of the rooftops.

Along the east end of the village, past a rolling sphere of ethereal black energy, a faithful group of wingponies were setting up a brisk shower. Rain pattered over the colorful edges of the Carousel Boutique. Inside the cylindrical building, Fluttershy was stepping up onto a modeling platform. Her soft yellow ears twitched to the sound of raindrops tapping against the long, stretched windows.

"Mmmm... So soft and relieving," Fluttershy cooed with a warm smile. "It's like nature is making water all around us."

Rarity dumped a box full of fabrics and threads before them. "I beg your pardon?" she managed between labored breaths.

"Erm..." Fluttershy bit her lip. "N-nothing. What are we doing again?"

"History, Fluttershy." Rarity levitated a pair of bifocals over the bridge of her nose and squinted at a floating diagram she had drawn the day previous. "We are doing history and preparing to cook it breakfast in the morning." Her lips murmured as she scanned the plans she had scribbled down. "Oh! This will come out so fabulously!" She smiled so hard her white dimples threatened to burst. "Hoity Toity will be so proud! This is going to be our little fashion baby, and you are the midwife!"

"I've always wanted to give birth to something," Fluttershy said. She pensively dug at the stage with her hoof. "I never thought it would be to a jacket."

"'Hoodie,' my dear," Rarity said as she began whipping measuring tapes around Fluttershy's body like an elaborate noose. "If we are to carry on with the spirit of things, then it is prudent for us to speak in the urban hyperboles that so thoroughly saturate the market today. There are no 'shoes;' there are only 'booties.' There are no blankets, there are only 'snuggies.'"

"Uhm..." Fluttershy gulped. "Are there no kittens?"

"Goodness!" Rarity gasped, running a hoof nervously through her purple mane. "I do hope I have enough turquoise fabric!"

"Huh?" Fluttershy began trembling. "What do you mean? I-I was assured there would be a plentiful amount of t-turquoise!"

"Fear not, Fluttershy," Rarity said with an airy little laugh. She trotted delicately around the room, hoisting several more tools off the nearby shelves and forming a little work pile. "We shan't go anywhere near the color that will not be mentioned unless some unholy emergency forces us to resort to dire extremes."

"I-I do hope not," Fluttershy remarked, gulping and staring out the rain-drenched window. "Bad things happen in the wake of that hue. I can still smell the bile, leaking from their tummies like a bubbling cauldron under lidless night."

"Shhhh!" Rarity hissed, her eye sockets widening under pinprick blue irises. "Do you hear that...?"

"Huh?" Fluttershy turned from the window just as a big black mass rolled steamily through the rainfall outside. "Hear what?"

The entire Boutique echoed with the rattling of gravel. The air grew thin; coat hairs stood on the end of the two mares' necks.

Rarity's eyes darted left, then right. She looked towards Fluttershy. She beamed, her teeth glinting. "Why, it's inspiration, darling!" She snaked the first length of turquoise fabric from her box and began slicing it into quarters with a floating pair of scissors. "Now just stand still and relax, and by nightfall, I will have molded you into the Princess of Hoodies! Mmm—You'll be such a doll!"

"Hmmmm..." Fluttershy exhaled with a dumb smile on her face. "'Princess of Hoodies...'" With a snap, her wings extended. The only thing more subtle than her blushing cheeks was the tiny sound she made when she coiled the feathers back: "Meep!"

It Continues to Continue

Twilight Sparkle tossed her mane back. The tiniest layer of sweat clung to her silken lavender coat, glistening in the golden afternoon glow. Her curves undulated and her tail hairs flounced lithely from the brisk trot she was making across the heart of Ponyville. As the air brimmed with the fragrance of flowers and summer moisture, she squinted lusciously towards her side and licked her smiling lips.

"Sometimes I would just snuggle with my BBBFF, and that would cure his insomnia." She giggled breathily, her voice resembling the sound of ringing bells in the humid wind. "But that's not so easy to do these days, besides, Shining Armor now has a much larger pillow... with wings... and a goofily spelled name. They seem so happy together—Cadance and Shining—I just wish there was a way I could make their lives so amorous by fixing my brother's sleeping problem. Do you have any ideas for a solution?"

Lyra sighed dreamily, her eyes nearly tearing in adoration. "Your mouth."

Twilight sneezed. She waved off a few mosquitoes and squinted at her trotting buddy. "Buh?"

"D'erm..." Lyra winced, nearly tripping over her own hooves before they were even halfway to the library. "Your mouth... is... uhm... s-so full of kind and poetic words, indicative of a younger sibling who truly, faithfully cares for her brother's well-being!" A dagger of a sweatdrop formed along her mint-green cheek. "You are the quintessential... nnngh... most... c-c-c-cunning lavender linguist." She immediately wheezed and went cross-eyed. "Hckkkt... It's really darn hot out here."

"Summer will do that."

"Summer is evil. Summer makes the rest of its sibling seasons lick packaged envelopes for it. I hate summer."

"Heeheehee..." Twilight smiled as they approached the door to her treehouse home. "Well, it's a good thing I have some magical unicorn air conditioning."

"Hey! That sounds like just what the order doctored... er... I-I mean—"

"And if that doesn't work, we can blow on each other all afternoon! Teeheehee!"

Lyra walked smack-dab into the doorframe. She stood back, shifting the weight of her bookbags as she rubbed her bruised cheek. "Uhhhhhhhh..."

"Just a joke, Lyra," Twilight remarked. "Spike made it up, though he only says it whenever Rarity's around. Meh." She shrugged. "You think I should experiment on humor someday?"

"Fuuuuuuu-nahhhh," Lyra chuckled, her voice reaching a high-pitch before she gulped and nervously stammered, "Your funny bones stick out in all the right places. Uhm... What I mean is..."

"Absolutely! We must get to work! My brother's bones must be put to sleep!" Twilight smiled with her eyes happily shut as she galloped briskly into the library. "Onward to books!"

Lyra let out a heavy sigh. Straightening her bags, she stood up with courageous posture and muttered to the sunny air, "Stay calm. You can do this. There's nothing even remotely happy, bouncy, or moist about this situation. Pretend you're visiting Mom to talk about your career, only there are far less judgmental glares... or blood stains on the guest bathroom toilet seat..."

With a cold shudder, Lyra put on a brave smile and trotted into the library. When the door closed behind her, the sound of it shutting was drowned out by a cold rattle of otherworldly noise. A huge black orb of undulating obsidian barreled down the nearby street. As it devoured an entire picket fence—post by post—it crossed shadows with that of a darting pegasus.

Rainbow Dash swiftly shoved an alabaster white fluff of clouds in her forelimbs across the ceiling of Ponyville. With a teeth-gritting hiss, she made straight for the entrance of the Carousel Boutique, kicked the door open with one swift buck of her hooves, and dove upon Rarity as she was halfway through tapering a length of turquoise fabric over Fluttershy's forelimbs.

"Hey! Vampire voice! It's your lucky, friggin' day!" Rainbow Dash bellowed as she plopped the tiny ball of mist into Rarity's bosom. "Ta-daaa! Snowflakes! Just like you ordered!"

"I beg your pardon?" Rarity's eyes bulged behind her bifocals. She dropped several levitating bits of sewing material and grasped the clump of loose snowflakes before her with an incredulous glare. "Rainbow Dash, what in the name of Zebraharan apartheid am I to do with an innocuous cloud of wayward sleet?!"

"Well, you're making winter wear in summer, so I thought 'what the hay?!'" Rainbow Dash stammered, rubbing her forelimbs together and twitching with a crooked smile. "Merry Hearth's Warming, Rarity! I know it's six months early and all—"

"But I didn't even order a snow cloud!" Rarity made a grimacing face as she shook a slick trickle of water off her left hoof while balancing the shrinking cloud in her right. "Besides, over half of these snowflakes have melted already and—"

"Yeah. Uh huh. That's nice, Rarity. You know where to stick it. Ahem." Without looking, Rainbow Dash reached into the cloud, produced an angry dragon mask, stuck it over her muzzle, and then flung herself—gyrating—in front of Fluttershy's unsuspecting face. "Raaaaaugh! Booga-Booga-Booga!"

"Oh." Fluttershy blinked calmly. "Good afternoon, Rainbow Dash." She smiled with a slight twitch of her wings. "You smell nice today."

"Mmmf-mmmf?!" Rainbow pulled the mask up, her eyes wide as she squeaked, "Nice?! I 'smell nice?!' That's all you got?!"

"Uhm... Should I have something else?"

"You're not even giving me a shriek or a whimper or an anguished cry of urinating distress?!" Rainbow Dash frowned viciously. "What gives?! I thought you hated dragons!"

"Yes, but I feel differently about pegasus friends wearing dragon masks and making loud noises."

"What gives?!" Rainbow Dash fell to the stage beside Fluttershy with a pair of drooping wings. "I thought you'd implode like a dried-up peach from horror!"

"As much as I admittedly love peaches, I'm sorry to say that you didn't scare me, Rainbow Dash." Fluttershy squirmed underneath the loose veil of turquoise fluff. "Please forgive me. I'll try to be filled with mortifying terror more often."

"Is there something wrong with me?!" Rainbow's voice cracked, and again she frowned at herself. "Do I no longer carry any menace whatsoever?!"

"You carry something, alright," Rarity grumbled. "And I daresay it rhymes with 'pulpit.'" She placed the tiny snow-cloud on a shelf, only for it to explode with a splash of droplets, forming a puddle on the tile floor. She sighed and mopped it up with a rag under blue telekinesis. "Do tell us that there was something far more pressing that brought you here in such an enraged state of prismatic ennui."

"You girls don't understand!" Rainbow Dash pulled at her spectral mane, her ruby eyes bugging as she teetered on the brink of hyperventilation. "My reputation's been reduced to a starving puppy with its mouth on the street curb, waiting for the galoshes of fate!" She blinked, then squinted pointedly at Rarity. "And I don't get it... 'Culprit?' 'Mule pit?'"

"Would it help, Rainbow, if my soul was suspended in a subtle state of existential fear and trembling?

"Tartarus, no!" Rainbow hissed, tossing the dragon mask so hard onto the floor that it burst into flames. "You're supposed to be freaked out at me! Angry, even! I was hoping you'd shriek in terror and vomit out a miscarriage of indecipherable phrases, as if you gathered them all in your feeble lungs after glancing at the South Pole's Horrifying Fields of Un-Neighing!"

"Awwwwwww..." Fluttershy smiled and leaned over to nuzzle Rainbow Dash, cheek to cheek. "But how can I be terrified by a friend as kind, loyal, and adorable as you?"

"Eeeek!" Rainbow flinched from Fluttershy, then flinched from herself as her hooves covered her mouth to cover such an unwarranted utterance. She hovered close to the ceiling, shaking all over. "That is not the word you use to describe me!" she hissingly stammered. "That is the word you use to describe a pink duffel bag full of kittens rolling downhill! I deserve another 'A'-word, darn it! Like 'Awesome' or 'Awesometastical' or 'Awesomegasmic!'"

"'Audacious' appears to be most fitting at this moment," Rarity murmured, calmly trotting over and wringing the wet rag of melted snowflakes over the burning mask. Once it was extinguished in a puff of smoke, she tilted her pale chin up and smiled thinly at Rainbow Dash. "Seriously, darling, I have no doubt that you are capable of performing sonic rainbooms while in labor, but there's no altitude to which you can ascend beyond the engrossing heights of this noble truth."

"Don't say it..."

"A lady is never dishonest.... unless she's sort on bits." Rarity cleared her throat and fluttered her eyelashes. "You are quite simply, divinely, adorably devourable, Rainbow Dash. Don't frown on fair fate's feminine grace, as it has been bestowed upon you."

"No! This is all some big, jerkly joke!" Rainbow Dash panted, clamping her hooves over her ears and squealing. "Nnnnngh—It's gotta be some horrible black magic! Discord's back! King Sombra's been farted back into existence! Thunderlane's paid the mafia in stud dollars!"

"Oh please..." Rarity rolled her eyes. "Thunderlane never pays for anything. He earns it through plowing the fertile fields of Ponyville. Hmmmm..." Smirking, she reached over and nudged Fluttershy. "If everypony catches my drift."

Fluttershy squinted back. "What's a 'stud dollar?'"

"Ahem. I'll tell you someday when you're dirtier, darling."

"That's it! I gotta go fly someplace and clear my head! Someplace that has less feather brains and vampires and—" Rainbow Dash flew skull-first into the wall just above the Boutique's exit. "Owie!" she whimpered, clutching her head. It took her a few seconds to register the nature of her outcry, and she gasped. "Erm... I mean... buck it all! Buck it all to the yellow-stained loins of Beelzebuck!"

Rarity found the breath to speak between airy laughs. "And just from what sordid dictionary of giggles did you salvage that foalish expression, dear?"

"All I can think about are Buck Frasier's hooves," Fluttershy added.

"Yaaa-aaa-aaa!" With a warbling cry, Rainbow Dash blurred out of the place. Her voice echoed throughout the golden lengths of Ponyville outside. There was the brief sound of rattling gravel, and then the Boutique's door shut closed behind her.

"Well, in spite of random little interruptions of the winged kind," Rarity said, trotting back towards Fluttershy with needle and thread, "I must say that we are making some smashing progress."

"I feel bad for Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy cooed with sad eyes cast towards the window. "Her face is going to end up on belt buckles and clutch purses at this rate."

"Horses for courses, love," Rarity said, giggling at herself. "You must admit that she's made her own bed in this regard."

"Must I?"

"And I have to say that I share part of the tipsy boat with her," Rarity murmured, her brow furrowed as she trotted to the other side of the pegasus and sewed the left sleeve of the evolving hoodie tight. "I could have sworn you had the most disagreeable phobia of dragons, do you not?"

"Oh, yes, I suppose I do," Fluttershy said with a sigh. "Though it's not nearly as bad as a certain color that I will not speak of without the urge to lose this morning's breakfast oats through my esophagus." She shuddered, then continued. "Rainbow only wants to give my life some dash of thrill, I suppose. She used to prank me all the time when were younger. I only screamed because I knew it would make her feel good, and myself too, I suppose."

"Yes. I believe Sweetie Belle experienced the same sensation once at a Jonoats Brothers concert."

"Dragons are a different matter altogether," Fluttershy droned, her eyes swimming loops around the black and white pattern of the tile floor. "My father used to buy me draconian nightlights for my bedroom."

"Merciful heavens!" Rarity paused to glance crookedly at her friend. "That sounds most distressing!"

"Only when it distressed me."

"Couldn't you have unplugged the dreadful things?"

"Mmmm-mmm." Fluttershy shook her head, gulped, and uttered, "He super-glued them to the sockets."

"What in Equestria for?"

"Father used to tell me that fear was healthy for the soul, in that it cleansed the heart and lungs of all the invisible were-ghosts of school-filly apathy." Fluttershy gulped. "I didn't think he was serious until he wired four more dragon nightlights onto the ceiling fan above my bed."

"That... sounds rather cold and calculated," Rarity remarked in a dry tone. She leaned in to adjust the sleeve as she said, "I don't believe I've met your father. What does he do these days?"

"About ten to eleven per day."

"What, as in bits?"

"No, license plates."

"Oh?" Rarity blinked, then winced. "Ohhhhh." She gulped. "Oh."

"I visit him every now and then, only not on holidays," Fluttershy said with a shrug. "The last time I visited during Hearth's Warming, the room two cells down from him was decked in holly, only the holly had been in one inmate's abdominal cavity the day before."

"Er..."

"It wasn't so bad, aside from the smell... and the blood. Really, though, I was fine until I saw their jumpsuits, and then the whole visit smelled even worse. Just why would Equestrian Federal Law force stallions into wearing that color? It's not like ponies go hunting in prison, not yet, anyways. After all, we did vote a bunch of Republicanter equines into the legislature this year." Fluttershy gazed off, her eyebrow twitching. After half a minute of silence, she eventually added, "And then there was the tinsel. Who knew that gallstones could get so large?"

"Surely you... uhm... have some pleasant memories of having spent time with your father?"

"Oh, but of course!" Fluttershy's eyes glistened. "There was that one summer when we went on our annual trip to the beach to dig up whale bones!" She smiled, her cheeks rosy. "I was allowed to bring a shovel that year. Heeeeee..."

"I see... uhm..."

"Did you know that corsets are sold at half the Canterlot vendor price on the black market?"

"Have you ever told Twilight about your youth?"

"What's to tell?"

"I mean it all sounds so... so..."

"Boring?" Fluttershy's face hung as her rear limbs squirmed. "I'm sorry. I wish I could tell my stories in 3D."

"I can think of many other adjectives, Fluttershy, and all of them painted black."

"It wasn't so bad," Fluttershy remarked with a shrug. "Nothing that a regular schedule of fuzzy bunny rabbit cuddling doesn't fix. After grooming angel's fluffy ears for an afternoon, I can forget that I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom sitting down until age six." Fluttershy blinked. "Oh. Oh dear, well, so much for that." Her eyebrow twitched again, and she smiled at Rarity. "Did you know it was possible to stain rainclouds?"

"Uhm..."

"Most ponies don't realize it, because they forget that rain comes out of the bottom of the cloud without rinsing the top part where foalish siblings stand in line to do their business in order to exorcise the were-spirits."

"I think I am going to... uhm..." Rarity gave a nervous laugh as she trotted to the far side of the Boutique. "Open a window! Yes! Eh heh heh heh..." She slid the pane open. A warm breeze fluttered in, just as a black mass surged outside.

The huge orb of darkness rolled across the street, plowing through a general store and exploding it in a shower of jagged splinters and screaming equines. Pieces of balsa wood littered the market place.

Applejack grumbled, brushing sawdust off her shoulders as she muttered into the humid air, "This is getting ridiculous! It's a beautiful day, and hardly anypony wants to buy fruit!"

"I know!" Pinkie Pie straddled the apple stand in a slump. With a yawn, she leaned back and adjusted the borrowed cowfilly hat atop her fluffy head. "It must be the end times! The apple end times!"

Blinking, Applejack glared up at her. "Say what, now?"

"You ever listen to John Haygee?" Pinkie's blue eyes widened like saucers. "First, there'll be three and a half years of peace! But then there'll be three and a half years of tribulation! The sky's gonna rain fire and frogs, and then the apples will all dry up all across Equestria because nopony sent in their donations on time!"

Applejack's freckles paled. "Uhhh..."

"And don't even get me started on the rise of the Anticlop! He'll assume the throne in the Vaticanter and pretend to be the Second Clopping! But not after he's forced everypony to bear the Mark of the Buck and—"

"That's nice, Pinkie. I'm going to..." Applejack squirmed and smiled nervously. "G-go use the little cowfilly's room." She waved as she trotted off. "Try to sell some apples to the recession-stricken populace while I’m gone! Reckon y'all can do that?"

"You can count on me!" Pinkie saluted. "And you try not to gallop straight into any roaming signs of the Aponycalypse on the way there!"

"And you better take care of my hat too!" Applejack shouted threateningly from a distance.

"Hey!" Pinkie gymnastically dismounted the apple stand and smiled proudly. "Consider it as safe as a devout believer making her yearly pilgrimage to Meccolt!"

Just then, under a rattling cadence, the family heirloom was sucked off Pinkie's head and absorbed right into the black body of a horrible object rolling past her.

She stood there, frozen, staring blankly into space. "Huh..." She tongued the insides of her mouth as her sweaty ears flicked, free of obstruction. "That's funny..." Pinkie squinted. "How could you make a pilgrimage to Meccolt if you didn't trust wheels? Oh well. Apples! Get your apples here—Oh! Hey! A squirrel! Come suck on my fruit, you!"