Chapter 1: Volition decided to be dicks
The Saints were starting to get bored. Everyone in Steelport already had their asses kicked by them at least twice. Another 1000 times if they counted the time Johnny Gat drank all the Saint's Flow.
They were in the HQ, all lounging around, just like in the video game. Except for the fact that Johnny Gat was with them. Volition tried to kill him off, but everybody knows that you can't keep Gat down for long.
The Saints sat there, bored out of their minds. Suddenly, in came Oleg. Their giant russian friend. He had what looked like a stack of guns in his arm.
"Ladies and gentleman, may I present, the latest in transportation technology, first the portal gun!"
Oleg raised the tool high, it shone in the afternoon sun, it truly was a sight to behold. It was pearl white, with three metallic tendrils at the end of it. Gat walked over and took it.
"What the fuck does this do?"
Pierce walked over and snatched the gun out of Gat's hand.
"Don't you ever play video games? It's the portal gun!"
Pierce took the gun and shot the ceiling, causing a blue portal to form. He then pointed the gun at the floor. But Shaundi stopped him before he could.
"Oh no you don't. You already caused enough trouble with the fart gun. We are not catching you if you shoot that portal."
"Do I look like I give a fuck?"
Pierce shot the ground below him and he instantly fell into it, causing him to endlessly fall.
"WOO HOO BITCHES!"
Pierce continued falling until Shaundi walked over and placed a metal sheet over it. Pierce crashed into it with a huge *Gong*. He stayed motionless for the next five minutes.
"Pierce, stop being a dick and get up."
Pierce continued lying on the ground, completely motionless. The protagonist walked over and doused him in beer. The smell of alcohol seemed to wake the fallen homie.
"Next, we have the teleportation grenade!"
Oleg raised up a blue ball. It looked rather similar to the electric grenade.
"How does it work?" Pierce asked
"Very simple. Here we have the controller." Oleg raised a small plastic rectangle.
"Why the fuck do you have a controller for a grenade?"
"Just let me explain. Now, if I hold the controller, and I toss the grenade, I teleport. But if Pierce is holding the controller like so."
Oleg pressed the piece of plastic into Pierce's hand.
"Then Pierce is the one who is being teleported. Like so."
Oleg took the grenade and tossed it with all his might. It bounced around before landing in the toilet.
"Oh shi-"
In a flash of light, Pierce had disappeared, there was a loud splash and the sound of marble shattering. Pierce walked out of the bathroom, covered in...... I think you all know.
"Man, suits like this don't come cheap you know."
Pierce was about to sit on the couch before the protagonist stopped him.
"Hey, hey, hey! Don't ruin the couch."
"You're worried about a $100 dollar couch over my $600 suit?"
"Nobody asked you to spend that much money."
Pierce grumbled and went to his room to change. Oleg picked up the next gun. It looked like a black rocket launcher with red lighting. Oleg took it and held it like a normal gun.
"Last and definitely not least, we have the Dimension Crosser."
"Like the design. Needs a cooler name though." Johnny Gat stated
"With this, you will have the ability to cross dimensions."
"And why the fuck would we want to do that?" Johnny Gat asked
"Haven't you ever wanted to travel to a completely fictional area? A place that shouldn't even exist. Completely made up of your imagination."
"Nope. The worlds pretty fuckin' awesome the way it is."
Oleg sighed and put the huge gun down. And plopped down on a couch. The rest of the gang continued being bored.
"Why aren't we out there kicking ass?"
"Because Gat, Volition decided to be dicks." The protagonist answered
"Amen."
The gang sighed, suddenly Pierce clambered down the stairs and made his way to the table. He quickly spotted the huge gun and picked it up.
"Ooohh! New toy."
"Wait do-"
Before anyone could do anything, Pierce shot and a blackhole opened up right there in the room. Everybody was dragged in, even the massive Oleg was sucked into the dark void.
When they woke up however, they were far from the comfort of their penthouse. They seemed to be on the outskirts of a village. As for their bodies......
"What the actual fuck?" Johnny Gat said
Johnny had found a puddle to stare at. He saw his own reflection in the pond. Same shades, his fur was tan colored. He still had his Saints jacket on, his mane was greasy and shiny. He had the Saint's logo on his flank. He kicked a tree, causing the poor plant to practically blow up.
Shaundi hadn't been spared. She was now a gray mare with a flowing black mane. She too had the Saint's logo on her flank. She held a SMG by her side, complete with silencer. She did not look too happy about her new change of bodies. In fact, she seemed downright pissed.
Pierce wasn't left out of the fun either. He had a brown coat of fur and a jet black mane. He still had his gold necklaces and watches, he still wore his cap, as for weaponry, he had a assault rifle. With the grenade launcher attachment. He took a few steps forward, he looked pretty awkward.
"This feels weird man."
Oleg the massive russian had also been modified. He was almost twice the height of Pierce. He was pretty buff, he looked like he could destroy the world with just one punch. He probably could. Oleg walked a few steps, completely natural like, as if he had been like this his whole life.
"Man, how'd you learn so fast?" Pierce complained
"I used to study horses and their movements during my time in the KGB."
"Why would the KGB wanna study horses?"
"Don't ask."
The protagonist hadn't gone unchanged either. He now had a coat of fur that was harlequin purple, his mane was silver. His five O'clock shadow was gone (Awww). He bore the Saint's logo on his flank too. Except his looked much more detailed and had a few extras here and there. He had a grave digger shotgun. Complete with three barrels and incendiary ammo.
"How come your butt logo looks better?"
"Because I'm the boss."
"Before anyone else asks anything. I have a question of my own. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE HORSES!?" Johnny Gat asked
"We're ponies. Not horses."
"Same thing."
"Before we can figure out what the fuck happened, how about we figure out where the fuck we are first."
The five ponies turned around and scanned the scenery, looking for any sign of civilization. They spotted a town in the distance.
"Think we should go?" Pierce asked
"Do we have a choice?" The antagonist (Screw it, I'm just gonna call him "The Boss" from now on.) answered.
And so, with that, the five ponies made their way towards the town.
Chapter 2: Cheats
Yea, kinda short because I couldn't think of anything else. Sorry I guess. Hope this chapter isn't as shitty to you than it was to me.
The five gang members walked towards the town. Unsure of what to do, they walked around for a while before stopping at the town hall.
"Ok Boss, what do we do now?"
The Boss pulled his smartphone out of nowhere and began scrolling through the cheats.
"We're gonna need money."
He activated the cheat and instantly two heaping bags of gold spawned right next to him. He ignored the looks from the citizens and continued browsing through his arsenal of universe destroying codes. He stopped the highlighter on one specific code. Pierce stared at The Boss's ever growing grin as he stared at the words on his screen.
"C'mon man. Don't do this. It's a kid's show for child's sake!"
The Boss simply flashed him a mischievous grin. He raised a hoof, ready to press the button. Pierce had a puppy dog look on his face.
"Don't do this, think of all the childhood's your gonna ruin."
"Like I give a fuck."
The hoof came down and pressed the button. The Boss let out a huge smile that reached ear to ear. The other three ponies had confused looks on their faces.
"What code did you turn on?" Gat asked
"I think you know."
"Oh god you are an immature-" Shaundi said
Soon enough, a pony with gold chains walked past them, he had a long coat and a cane by his side. A couple of mares clung onto him from both sides. The mares had saddles and stockings on. Nothing else. The Boss and Gat laughed before The Boss pulled his phone out again.
"There are kids watching this!" Pierce complained
"Hold on, I'll make everything better!" The Boss said still laughing
He scrolled down again and highlighted another cheat. He raised the hoof and pressed the button. The pimped up ponies didn't leave. Instead they got drunk, stumbling around and mumbling stuff, some of them were doing...... let's just say this shit ain't for kids.
The Boss and Gat laughed their heads off before calming down.
"We've just ruined so many childhoods." Boss said
"Fuck yea we did." Gat responded
"Great. You just turned a kid's show into a gay orgy. For ponies." Shaundi said
"What twisted fuck does that?" Pierce said
The Boss walked up and placed a hoof around Pierce's shoulder.
"Rule 43: The more beautiful and pure a thing is, the more satisfying it is to corrupt it."
The Boss and Gat finished up their LOL fest before getting down to business.
"Okay first, we're going to need a place to stay."
Johnny Gat walked into the largest mansion of a home he could find. They watched as two stallions, both dressed in robes and gold flew out the window and crashed onto the floor below. Gat popped his head out the window.
"Say hello to the new Saint's HQ."
The Boss and the others shrugged and trudged inside. They looked around at the interior before Gat came sliding down the stairs.
"So, whatchu think?"
"I guess it's good. Needs a stripper pole though." The Boss replied
"You sure you cleared out everybody?" Pierce asked
"I think I did."
"Just let me turn off the batshit crazy cheats and we're ready to get down to business."
The Boss summoned his phone and turned off the codes. Once every pony had sobered up. It was much easier to discuss and go through their plan. The Saints took a seat and made themselves comfortable. Almost instantly, a gang of really buff ponies walked in from nowhere.
"I thought you cleared the place!?" The Boss said
"I said I think I did!" Gat fired back
The two Saints bickered back and forth while their supposed attackers simply watched the two gangsters. The huge russian known as Oleg stood up and grabbed one of the ponies by the neck. He thrust his hand and sent the stallion crashing through the walls. The rest of the ponies simply stared in horror.
"Do you still think it would be smart to attack?"
The colts backed up and ran for their lives, terrified of the russian stallion. The citizens and bystanders simply stared at them in shock.
"You didn't see anything." Oleg growled
The ponies went back to their daily lives. Oleg gave one last snarl before turning his attention back to the other four.
"Damn, you scary bro." Pierce said
"I took intimidation classes back in Russia."
The Boss put his hoofs on the table and cleared his throat.
"So, what's the plan?" Shaundi asked
"Simple. First we take over this town. Then, the rest of this cartoon universe."
"And how are we going to do that?"
The Boss pulled his shotgun out and flung it, causing it to spin in the air. It fell back onto his waiting hoofs and with a click, it was armed.
"Same way we took over Stilwater and Steelport, by kicking ass."
The rest of the gang locked and loaded their weapons. Oleg leaned his neck sideways ushering forth the sounds of bones cracking.
