Wedding Bell Blues

Chapters

An Unexpected Turn
As Awkward As It Gets
How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bug
It Gets Worse
The Red String
Experiments
Rainbows, Darling! Rainbows!
It Gets Much Worse
Chaos
Order
It Gets Much, Much Worse
An Underwhelming Ending

An Unexpected Turn

If it happened in a work of fiction, most would call it a cheap deus-ex-machina. But Twilight wasn’t complaining, it had worked. The love her brother and her old foalsitter had for one another was somehow harnessed and had conveniently ejected the changelings from Canterlot, save for one.

Queen Chrysalis had been in front of a wall when the spell had gone off, causing her to become inordinately familiar with what the cross-section of polished marble looked like. Moaning, she attempted to pull herself from the Chrysalis-shaped hole she had become lodged in to no avail. It wasn’t like there was a point to it. She was weak, there would be no escaping Celestia’s wrath now.

Shining Armor and Princess Cadance hit the floor, looking at each other with warmth and affection. Twilight looked on with her friends in a happy daze, her heart melting. Then, however, she remembered her mentor.

The Power of Love had dissolved all the changeling slime in the area, giving Celestia her first rough landing since an unfortunate incident when she and Luna were fillies that they swore in royal blood never to indulge to anypony. Rushing to her, Twilight offered a foreleg to help her rise to her hooves.

“I’m fine,” she assured, “don’t worry about me. You have a real wedding to put together.”

Twilight smiled knowingly. She then turned to her friends. “Think we can get the wedding back up and running in three hours?”

“I know I can!” Applejack said happily.

“You betcha!” Rainbow Dash winked.

“Ooh! Ooh! I’ll get the party cannon ready!” Pinkie cheered.

“Well, I’ll have to fix those dresses you just threw aside...” Rarity grumbled.

“Um, I think I can get my birds ready...” Fluttershy mumbled, though a smile was across her face as well.

“What wedding?”

They all turned to the speaker, gaping at her. Which was understandable, because the speaker was the bride herself, who looked as if she had walked into a movie at the halfway point and was trying to figure out the plot.

“O...our wedding,” Shining said, sounding a little hurt. “The one you just fought to save? The one we set a date for a month ago?”

“Which I only found out about a week ago?” Twilight couldn’t help but snark.

“Shining...I’ve been in those caves for nine months.”

Everypony just gaped.

“What?" Shining Armor sounded like he had just been handed a death sentence. "That's...since our first date...what I thought was our first date. I...I’ve been brainwashed that long? That could give me a tumor or...”

Cadance put a hoof on her shoulder reassuringly. “Relax, I felt the amount of toxins in your brain. It couldn’t have been more than three weeks’ worth.”

“What? But...”

Celestia was looking equally stunned. She turned to Chrysalis, still wedged deeply into the wall. “You managed to act like Cadance until three weeks ago. Why such a break in character?”

“I told you, I was under a lot of stress! I was about to marry a wonderful stallion!”

Celestia, and everypony in the room, just looked at the Changeling Queen, gaping.

“...What?” Shining said softly, his eyes wide.

“It started off as just a way to get closer to Canterlot’s defenses, I admit it, but... it didn’t stay that way. Shining Armor was such a gentlecolt... he treated me right... I felt such strong and powerful love from him... I still went through with the invasion for the sake of my subjects, but my love was never fake! Shining Armor, I love you!”

...

“Okay... this is messed up,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Wait, wait,” Twilight said, turning to Cadance, “back in that cave, you said this day was going to be perfect. The day of which you dreamed since you were small? What was that about, if not marrying my brother?”

“Twilight, today was my birthday, remember? I wanted to invite you and all your friends to Canterlot to meet them, and then we could have cake and celebrate.”

“That sounds incredibly contrived,” Rarity sighed.

“But... ‘to care for, love, and cherish him each day’? What was that about?”

“I care for, love, and cherish all my friends... as friends.”

“‘All my thoughts he does consume’?”

“He was in mortal danger, Twilight. Of course all my thoughts would be on him.”

“So what was that about wedding bells ringing?"

Cadance twirled some hair around her hoof. “Well... I’m in love with somepony, and I was going to confess it.”

“With me! Me, right?” Shining Armor said hopefully.

“No, Shiny!” Chrysalis said, tears in her eyes. “I love you!”

“Then why’d you brainwash him?” Celestia demanded.

“My subjects needed food. He was still Captain of the Guard, I needed to keep him in the dark. Please... you’ve doomed the changeling race, don’t take him from me now! He’s all I have left!”

“Well, you’ll have no competition from me. I don’t love him,” Cadance said sadly. “At least, not in that way.”

“But... the spell!” Shining Armor said, shocked and hurt.

“I said ‘not in that way.’ I love you, Shiny... as a friend. You’re like a cool older brother.”

“What? But... I’m in love with you!”

“No, you’re in love with Chrysalis... apparently.”

“She forced me to love her!”

“No, I never did,” Chrysalis pleaded. “You proposed to me all on your own. You loved me! We were meant to be!”

“But... you’re a changeling and he’s a pony!” Pinkie said, as confused as everypony else.

“True love knows no boundaries!”

“...Aww, that’s sweet,” the earth pony sighed.

“Pinkie!” Twilight snapped.

“I’m sorry, Shiny,” Cadance apologized again. “I’m in love, but... it’s not with you. The truth is, my feelings are for somepony else. And after spending the last several months fighting for my life, eating nothing but the gruel the changelings gave me, I can’t hide them anymore.”

With that she trotted down the stairs, toward where Twilight and Celestia were standing.

“Cadance, I...” Shining stuttered, tears in his eyes. He brought a hoof to his head, he looked dizzy.

“How could you do this?!” Twilight demanded. “You broke my brother’s heart!”

What happened next surprised not only Twilight, but everypony else present. She put a hoof under Twilight’s chin and made her look into her eyes. “I guess we always hurt the ones we love.”

And then she kissed her.

It was a deep kiss.

With tongue.

She pulled away with dreamy love-filled eyes.

Twilight pulled away with wide, terrified eyes, eyes that matched everypony else in the room. Even Chrysalis looked a little disturbed.

"...I take it back, this is messed up," Rainbow Dash corrected.

And then both Sparkle children fainted.

As Awkward As It Gets

Shining Armor paced outside the door of the hospital's maternity ward. Any moment now his wife would give birth to their brand-new foal. He couldn't wait!

"Calm down, Shiny," Twilight assured.

"Yeah, I'm sure your foal and your wife will be fine," Cadance assured.

"I know, but I'm just so excited and..."

He trailed off. Slowly, he turned to Cadance, looking at her with shock. "...What are you doing here?"

"...I'm waiting for your wife to give birth," she said slowly, as if the stallion had just asked him something incredibly obvious.

"...Aren't you my wife?"

"No, she's my wife!" Twilight said, a little offended.

"...What?"

"Yeah, remember?" Cadance said. Then she pressed her lips on Twilight and began making out with her with a level of passion most couples would reserve for the bedroom.

"Sweet Celestia!" Shining Armor shouted.

Then the two mares fell to the floor and began doing things that cannot be typed here.

"Oh my...I didn't think two mares could ever even get into that position! My eyes! Why did I have to see this when my sister was involved?"

Then the maternity ward doors burst open, and Chrysalis was wheeled out. "Shiny! Good news!"

"Hu-huh?" the stallion gasped in absolute horror at the sight of the creature that had brainwashed him for months.

"It's a boy!" she said happily, holding up a small white pony foal with changeling eyes. It had an open mouth of sharp teeth, and it was drooling green slime.

"Da-da! Da-da! Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

With that, Shining Armor bolted upright. He looked around. He was in the honeymoon suite he had booked. Silk sheets, rich carpets, a beautiful view of the beach.

He sighed, flopping down on the bed. "I just had the weirdest dream."

Chrysalis draped a foreleg around him. "What was it about, Shiny?"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Shining Armor bolted upright for real this time. He was in his quarters, and there was a guard watching him.

"Private Exposition, what's going on?"

"Well sir, you fainted after you found out that the relationship you were in for the last nine months was a lie and you were pretty much left at the altar for your sister, which I have to say is the single most emasculating thing I have ever heard of."

"Really?" Shining Armor said, with a smile.

"...You sure seem to be taking this well, sir."

"Of course I am... because this is all a dream!"

"...No it isn't."

"Yes it is! There so much out of place here, it must be a dream!"

"Like what?"

Looking around, he pointed to his discarded regalia. "Look, my armor's purple. That's the wrong color."

"...No it's not."

"Yes it is!"

"...No, it's really not."

"And look," he said, motioning to his foreleg. "My coat is white! That's wrong... right? Right?"

"...Sir, denial is more than a river in the camel homelands."

After a pause, Shining Armor flopped back down on his bed. "...Kill me."

"I'm actually here to make sure you don't kill yourself, sir. By the way, don't bother reaching for your suicide pill."

The stallion moaned, cupping his head in his hooves. "Then give me a situation report. What's happened with the Changeling Queen and Twiley?"

"Well, your sister fainted after that kiss with Princess Cadance..."

"Which if I find any pictures of in the barracks, it's a month of KP," the captain threatened.

"Right. Anyway, she was brought back to her suite. Cadance was taken to the hospital wing, where she was released with a clean bill of health. You were taken there as well. They got all the toxins out of your brain, but doctor’s orders are to remain in bed for the night. Chrysalis, the Changeling Queen, was brought to the dungeons."

"Well, at least she can't get to me anymore..."

"So, wait," Celestia said slowly. "You're telling me that you know how to make things better politically if I let you go?"

"Yes."

"...Keep going."

Twilight Sparkle opened her eyes to see a soothing figure. Cadance hovered over her, stroking her mane.

"Good, you're up," Cadance said sweetly, levitating a glass of water to her lips. The unicorn unhesitantly took a gulp, her throat being dry. At that moment, it was almost like it was two decades earlier, and she was a little filly being cared for again.

The glass left her lips. She puckered the moisture for a few moments before speaking. "Oh, Cadance... I had the weirdest dream. After you saved Canterlot, it turned out you never dated my brother, and that the Changeling Queen was in love with him, and then you kissed me!"

"Oh, Twiley... it wasn't a dream." And then she kissed her again.

Twilight pulled away, alarmed. "Cadance... what?"

"I love you, Twilight. And not the same way I did back when I foalsat you. As you grew up, graduated, I saw you grow into a beautiful young mare. Smart, kind... I wanted you so bad. But you went off to Ponyville before I could confess. Then today, you rescued me. You're my hero! Oh Twiley!"

She attempted to kiss her again, but Twilight ducked out of the way, turning and scooting to the end of bed. This caused Cadance to grin. She followed, stalking like a jungle cat.

"Cadance, wait," Twilight said defensively, holding up a hoof. "How could you do this to my brother? He's heartbroken!"

Cadance actually stopped, putting on a serious look for a moment. "I didn't hurt Shiny, Chrysalis did. I'm sorry for that, but am I supposed to just be with somepony just so they won't be hurt?"

"Well... I guess not," Twilight admitted.

"Good, now where were we?" Cadance said seductively, inching toward her.

"Wait, wait!" Twilight said quickly. "I'm not a filly fooler! I-I mean, I don't think so, I never really thought about it," she admitted, twisting a hoof into the sheets.

Cadance stopped, tilting her head at an interested angle. "You mean you think you're bisexual?"

"No! I mean I like stallions... I think."

"...Just ...stallions?" the alicorn asked, like it was a scientific principle on a level she could never understand.

"Yes!"

"...Is that even allowed?" Cadance asked, sincerely confused.

"What?"

"Just liking stallions? You're weird, Twiley."

"Wh-what? You mean liking the same sex is normal?”

“Twiley... have you paid any attention to how mares act? Especially around you?”

Twilight thought...

”Thanks for the order, Bon Bon,” Twilight said, taking the box of chocolates.

The earth pony nodded. “It’s no problem, I had some good music to make it to.”

“She sure did,” Lyra nodded, kissing the candy maker on the cheek.

-----

Twilight relaxed at the spa, soaking in the hot tub.

“Twilight,” Aloe noted, coming over to her. “It iz my pleasure to give you a complimentary shoulder rub.” And with that, she started massaging the unicorn.

“Ooh, ohh, thanks.”

----

Twilight sat at the bar, having a drink at Applejack and Rainbow Dash’s insistence. She looked over and saw Berry Punch covering Holly Dash’s face in kisses. “Wow, those two sure are friendly.”

----

“Miss Cherilee? I have that book you wanted.”

“Oh, Twilight,” the pink earth pony said. Twilight saw her laying on her desk in a suggestive pose, the only light being a few candles. They seemed to be covered in some sort of sticky substance.

“I seem to have accidentally spilt honey all over myself.” Her tone dropped into a sultry tone. “Can you help me get it off?”

“...Sure!” she said, lighting off her horn. Suddenly all the honey disappeared. “There you go!”

“...Uh, thanks,” Cherilee said, disappointed.

----

"Excuse me, Vinyl?" Twilight asked, coming into the garden. "I need to look over the playlist for the reception."

Vinyl couldn't answer, because her mouth was full of Octavia's tongue as the two made out on top of the turntables.

----

“Hey Applejack!” Twilight greeted.

Applejack grabbed Twilight and pulled her into a passionate kiss.

"Oh my... No, wait... if that last one happened I think I'd remember it."

Cadance shrugged. "Well, at any rate, filly fooling is completely normal, and you're such a catch, with that whole hot librarian thing going on..."

Twilight's face turned red. "I... I..."

"Did you enjoy me kissing you?"

"...I don't know! It freaked me out! I... I need to think about this."

Cadance gave her a pat on the back. "Well, if you're not I can always change your preferences. It's one of my powers."

That freaked Twilight out. "What?! No, that's horrible! What gives you the right?"

"Oh, Twilight... I'm an Alicorn. Ponies will always think whatever an Alicorn does is right," she answered, seeming amused at Twilight's naïveté.

"That's a lie! If you or Celestia did something wrong, I'd call you out on it!"

"How would you feel if somepony used a love potion?"

"That would be wrong."

"How would you feel if somepony used you to ruin a night for everypony else?"

"That would be wrong."

"How would you feel if somepony used a pony who was very loyal to them to save a pony who was a deranged omnicidal maniac?"

"That would be..." Twilight's eyes widened, her irises shrinking. "...Oh sweet Celestia!"

"Exactly," Cadance smiled, nuzzling into her. "We can be together, no matter what!"

"...help," Twilight muttered.

"Alright, look, you're overwhelmed now," the Alicorn said, backing away from Twilight. "That's understandable, you've had a long day." She stepped back on the floor. "And truth be told, I really need some rest after the last few months. You just get some sleep, and I'll check back on you in the morning."

She trotted to the door, using her magic to open it. Before she left, she turned back to the unicorn and smiled. "I'll be seeing you around, beautiful." Clicking her tongue, she disappeared through the doorway.

Twilight gulped. She crawled back to the proper position and flopped back down on the bed, burying her head in her hooves.

Okay, calm down, it's just Cadance... who's in love with you... and knows how to cast love spells and change your sexuality... who will get away with doing just that if she decides to... I'm doomed.

She jumped at the door opening. She backed up to the headrest in fear.

She breathed a sigh of relief when it was only her friends, all looking at her with concern.

"Look, I'm tired, whatever it is, can we talk later?" the unicorn moaned, closing her eyes and rubbing her head with a hoof.

She got no answer. At least, until she felt something climb into her bed. She opened her eyes in time to see Spike throw his arms around her neck.

"Huh, wha... Spike..."

Applejack hugged her from the right, Fluttershy from the left. The other looked at her, waiting for a chance.

"Wh... what are you..."

"We're sorry."

Fluttershy's words rung in her ear. For the first time since waking up, Twilight smiled.

"Hey, it's like I said, she fooled..."

They just hugged her tighter. Twilight felt tears leave her.

"Look, can we talk in the morning? I'm exhausted."

She was pushed back onto the bed, her head on the pillow. Her friends lay around her. "Rest up, sugarcube," Applejack said gently.

Twilight obeyed and closed her eyes. She held Spike close as she drifted off...

"Ooh! Orgy!"

The ponies glared at Cadance, who was looking back in the room.

"...Sorry." And the Alicorn left.

"...What's an orgy?" Spike asked.

Twilight's head hit the pillow again. "Please don't ask."

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bug

“So... let me get this straight,” Celestia said, rubbing her forehead with her hooves. “You want me to let you marry Shining Armor?”

Chrysalis stood proudly in her cell. If it weren't for the iron bars in front of her, the seal on her horn, and the chains around each leg, one might think she was still large and in charge. “Was I not clear earlier?” the Queen of the Changelings responded, no hint of sarcasm in her voice.

Celestia put a hoof to her forehead. “Well, it’s just... what makes you so sure he would want you?”

“We fell in love," Chrysalis sighed.

"No, you fell in love with him, he fell in love with who you pretended to be. For that matter, you didn't... 'get intimate' with him, did you? Because if you did, I'm going to have to add a rape charge."

"Of course not! I wanted our first time to be special! And just between us!"

"Well, congratulations, you aren't completely evil. But that still leaves the question: what makes you think Shining Armor is going to want to marry you?"

"Because this is the third act! Now that my big secret is out, he'll be mad for a while, then he'll forgive me and we'll get married!"

"...Okay, ignoring how foolish it is to follow romantic comedy logic, you invaded our country! There are ponies dead in the streets! How can you justify that?"

"We needed love!"

"Then why didn't you just come in and try an alliance with us?"

"...You would have been willing?"

"Of course! Why did you think we wouldn't?"

"I've had some...bad experiences with ponies...”

Pupa Chrysalis sat on the swing set, happily humming. Two more fillies, a dark-pink Earth Pony and a powder-blue Pegasus came up to her.

"Hi there!" she said happily. "I notice you're a different species than me. Want to be friends?"

The Pegasus pushed her off the swing, and the two ponies began kicking her.

Chrysalis cried. "I'm telling the teacher!."

"Ha!" the Earth Pony laughed. "The teacher's my mom, and she's over there!"

She pointed to an adult mare... who was making out with another adult mare in the sandbox.

“Wait, why were you even attending a pony school?”

“Exchange student.”

“...Right. Well, it doesn't matter. You think just because you had a bad life it gives you an excuse? I can’t imagine the psychological damage you’ve done to my niece! Who knows what tortured thoughts she's thinking right now?"

Cadance happily continued her list. “Let’s see,” she inked her quill. “Donkey Punch, the Cloudsdale Steamer, the Fillydelphia Twist... does Twilight’s hind leg reach up that high? Eh, it will when I’m done with her.”

“I don't know, but regardless, I think you're going to let me out and accept my terms,” she said firmly, as if she were an honest delegator and not a prisoner being interrogated.

"That you still want to marry Shining Armor, and now I'm guessing you want your subjects integrated into mine."

"Indeed."

Celestia rubbed her temples. You get cake after this, Celly, just stay calm. “What do you expect me to do? Do you think the ponies will accept you now?”

“Maybe... if I set up more idiot balls around the kingdom...”

“Wait, what?”

Chrysalis just sighed. Then her eyes went wide, and she let out a few short breaths. Finally, a green orb came out of her mouth. Using her magic, she levitated it up.

“This ball emits waves that cause a pony’s intelligence to lower while in proximity of it.”

“And... you’ve had them all over the castle?”

“You haven’t noticed?”

”I’m telling you, something is weird about Cadance."

"Aw, Twi, you're just seeing things," Applejack dismissed. "She's awfully nice."

"You there!" Chrysalis-as-Cadance yelled, entering the room with an apple tart in her hoof. "I asked for no cinnamon in these things!" She shoved the hot tart into Applejack's eye. "Can't you do anything right!" She magically grabbed Applejack's head and violently slammed it on the table several times. "Learn to do something right, you Celestia-damned dirt pony!"

Chrysalis stormed off. After a minute, Applejack lifted her head up, her right eye now red and watering, her left now black and swollen. Her muzzle was broken, and one of her teeth had been knocked out, letting blood run down her face.

"See? Perfectly nice."

Celestia blinked.

"Twilight managed to fend it off thanks to her natural magic field... for awhile, anyway. She still cracked when she tried to call me out."

"Then why didn't my magic field protect me... oh wait..."

"So you see, Aunt Celestia," Chrysalis as Cadance said, tapping her chart with the pointer. "In order to best optimize Canterlot's safety, you need to move the entire capital exactly one inch to the north, and it needs to be done now."

"Well... Using that much magic would leave me completely vulnerable to attack, but since Shining Armor's shield would be up, I see no reason not to do it.”

"...Wow, you're good."

"Thank you," Chrysalis said, sounding sincere.

Celestia couldn't believe it. This explained everything. Why they had all not noticed the obvious differences between Cadance and her impostor, why they had so coldly ignored Twilight. I mean, honestly, looking back on the last few days, it was like Twilight was the only sane pony in the kingdom.

"Seriously though, I can't just make my little ponies just accept you."

"...I'll tell you what. I'll turn this whole thing around if you let me marry Shining Armor."

"Well, he'll have to say yes, but if you honestly get every single pony on your side, I'll give the union my blessing."

Ordinarily most ponies in Canterlot would be in bed at midnight, but this night was different. Since the invasion, a mob of ponies had gathered in the courtyard, each crying out for Chrysalis's blood.

Celestia stepped onto the balcony, and the roar got louder. Cries for the noose, the chopping block, the Thingy (don't ask... Luna could get pretty creative with the sentencings, but she couldn't come up with names) all echoed throughout.

So it spoke a good deal of the respect Celestia commanded that she got the roars to die down just by clearing her throat.

"My little ponies, I am allowing Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, to say a few words on her own behalf. Please allow her to speak."

When silence followed her declaration, she stepped back and allowed Chrysalis to step forward. Even with several guards keeping their weapons on her and a thousand death glares from the ponies below, she still managed to keep her composure.

She cleared her throat and began. "I would like to apologize for all my actions. I would also state... that this is not my true form."

This elicited a few murmurs from the crowd and a raised eyebrow from Celestia.

"You see, we changelings are nothing more than ponies who were transformed long ago by... (blast, what was his name?)... Discord! Yes, originally, I was an alicorn..."

Her green glowing energy surrounded her as she cast her transformation magic. "...and before Discord got a hold of me, I looked like this."

What Chrysalis transformed into cannot be described. The beauty of it was just far too great for any writer to put into print, regardless of how skilled. Needless to say, the ponies were mesmerized at the sight. Soon, a series of voices echoed out from the crowd.

"I forgive her!"

"She's just misunderstood!"

"It's Daddy's fault he didn't want to die!"

"You know what would look good with that? Leather pants."

Smiling smugly, Chrysalis reverted back to herself. "I'm hoping you'll forgive our desperate actions and welcome my subjects into your society!"

There was a massive cheer.

Chrysalis turned back to Celestia, who was just gaping. "Yes, everything is going to be fine," she said smugly.

The guard took her off. She would still have to stay in the dungeon a night before all the paperwork could be authorized for her release.

Celestia stood there in shock for several minutes before a servant came up to her with a bottle of wine and a glass. "A drink, your Highness?"

The Princess grabbed the bottle and downed it. It was going to be a long night.

It Gets Worse

Twilight awoke feeling oddly at peace despite the events of the previous day. She opened her eyes to see Spike laying on her chest, still fast asleep and breathing slowly. Her friends were still laying around her, all wanting to reprove their loyalty.

Smiling, she levitated Spike up gently, then began carefully maneuvering herself over Applejack and out of bed. She lay her number one assistant down, tucking him back in. She have him a small kiss on the forehead. He stirred a bit, but stayed asleep. Twilight felt her heart melt.

"Aww, you're such a good mother!"

Twilight tensed up at the sound she had previously thought to be comforting. She turned slowly to see Cadance standing in the doorway with a sly smile on her face. "I was worried you wouldn't be open to having kids, but seeing you take care of Spike..."

"Whoa, whoa, I didn't agree to anything!"

"Oh you will. I've been up all night... planning..."

Twilight gulped, glancing around for an escape hatch. "Cadance... don't you think maybe you're being too pushy?"

"...No. Look, I made a list," she grinned, levitating it over to her target.

Twilight took the parchment and scanned it. "...What are these?"

"Positions."

"...for what?"

Cadance blinked. "You're serious? For our wedding night!"

Twilight turned crimson red, her pupils shrinking to the size of pencil points. "W-what? B-but don't you just lay down and..."

Cadance scoffed. "Amateur move. But don't worry, Twilight, I'll teach you everything I know." She looked the unicorn over. "Everything..."

"B... but..."

"Come on," she said, licking her lips, "we can practice right now if you like."

"Now hold on!"

Both mares perked their ears up. Applejack was awake now, jumping off of the bed they had shared. The others were waking as well. Only Spike remained still, a fact that Twilight was grateful for.

"Twi's still recoverin' from this whole mess, and so are we, truthfully. We need time ta talk to her about what happened yesterday."

Cadance blinked. "Why do you need to talk to her?"

"Well... the rehearsal didn't go so well... it's really between us..." the cowpony said slowly. Even she was hesitant to reveal the truth in this instance.

"Indeed," Rarity interjected. "Perhaps you should be spending some time with a loved one as well."

"...Nah, I think I need to go shopping. Some of those positions need hoofcuffs."

"You should try elastic belts, they don't chafe as much."

The other Bearers turned and gaped at Fluttershy.

"...What?"

Cadance rubbed her chin. "That could work... Fine. We'll talk later, cutie," she said, winking. She then turned and walked out, making sure to sway her hips to tease her target.

Twilight felt her knees buckle. "I need to get to the library," she said in a huff, heading for the door.

"Whoa, whoa, hold on," Rainbow Dash said, blocking her path. "You need to be resting. Can't you..."

"I need to find a way to block her love magic. She might use it on me!"

Applejack opened her mouth to tell her friend she was overreacting. She closed it when she remembered that assuming that had been the reason Chrysalis' plans had gotten so far. "Why don't ya just go ask Princess Celestia? She might know somethin'?

Twilight sighed. "She might be too busy right now. With cleaning up after the invasion..."

"After yesterday, she better have time for you," Pinkie said. "After we..." She trailed off silently.

"Look, I told you all it's okay. I'm more worried about the sex-crazed love goddess trying to seduce me."

"What's the big deal?" Rainbow Dash shrugged. "She’s pretty, rich, a princess, and she's absolutely devoted to you. Sounds like a good partner to me."

"Yes, but I don't know if I like mares that way!"

All five of her friends just stared at her.

"...You're weird, Twi," Applejack said.

Now Twilight looked flabbergasted. "Wha... but... I..."

"Come on," Rainbow Dash nudged her. "Are you really that sheltered? I remember my first time with Gilda...”

“What? Twilight shrieked.

“Come on, you didn’t notice how clingy she was? I told her it was just a fling, but boy...”

“And me and Rarity had a thing ‘fore you moved ta town...” Applejack reminisced happily.

Twilight felt her eye twitch. “But... you two hated each other when I first met!”

Rarity shook her head. “No Darling, we just had a bad breakup. Seriously, don’t you pay attention to subtext?”

Twilight’s brain couldn’t process the words for how she felt about that.

“Hey,” the cowpony said, draping a foreleg over the fashionista's shoulder, “remember that night in the southern orchid when we...”

“Now hush, that’s between us.”

Pinkie giggled, then turned back to the still shocked Twilight. “See? There has to be a mare you thought was attractive!"

"No! I've never thought about romance before!"

"Well... did you like it when Cadance kissed you?" Rarity asked.

"Gee, I don't know. I was kind of busy having a minor brain hemorrhage over the fact that my brother's fiancée and my past foalsitter was sticking her tongue down my throat!" she said, frustration evident in her voice.

"Well, maybe you should practice on one of us!" Pinkie chirped. "Oh! Pick Applejack! You two would be so cute together!"

Twilight backed up. "Whoa, whoa, let's not complicate this anymore! I'm still confused from the first kiss!"

"Aw, come on, it's not like I got any of 'em STDs or anythin'."

"What's an STD?"

The mares tensed up, and looked over at Spike, who was now wide awake and looking at the girls curiously.

“Oh, Spike,” Twilight said nervously. “I, um...”

“They’re cooties,” Pinkie answered.

“Yes,” Twilight jumped on the explanation. “Cooties. Deadly, deadly cooties!”

“...I thought you told me fillies didn’t have cooties and I was immature for thinking that.”

Twilight sweated. “Well...the cooties you thought. These cooties are... special. You can’t get them just by touching somepony.”

“Oh. Well then how do you get them?”

“Uh...uh...” Twilight stuttered, trying to ignore her friends, who were at various stages of laughter. “Just keep doing what you’re doing. OhlookCelestiaiscallingmebye!”

She was out the door in a flash, leaving five laughing ponies and one frightened baby dragon.

“Keep doing what I’m doing, keep doing what I’m doing. Right!” he said, keeping rock solid.

Finally gathering her bearings, Applejack stood up. “Well, y’all, let’s get some breakfast. Come on, Spike.”

“No, I have to keep doing what I’m doing.”

“...Spike, I don’t think Twilight meant...”

“Don’t distract me!” he yelled, then shut his mouth quickly. He was yelling. He had to keep not yelling. Had to stay still...

Celestia was quickly regretting drinking all that wine the previous night. Her head was pounding as she sat on the throne, rubbing the side of her head.

Still, regardless of her personal state the kingdom kept running, and she needed to keep on top of things. "Well then, Advisor...Exposition?"

"No, Your Highness, Exposition is my brother. I'm Advisor Exospeak."

“Okay...” she moaned in a very unprincess like fashion. “How is the progress on finding Chrysalis’s subjects?”

“About 30% of them have been rounded up. They’ve been alerted to the change of regime.”

“Excellent. And what of setting up Chrysalis’s new position?”

“Her office and sleeping quarters have been prepared. She will be sworn in in about a week.”

“Excellent,” she repeated. “Any estimate on the damages caused by the invasion?”

“It looks to be a total of one-hundred-thousand bits. Possibly more.”

“Put a citizenship tax on the incoming changelings. It was their invasion that caused this mess, it should be them that clean it up.”

“Are you sure they’ll accept that?”

“I’m too hungover to care right now.” She lifted her flask up and took a drink.

“This might anger them. They’re claiming they were unfairly represented in the last elections.”

There was a tense silence.

“Exospeak... they weren’t citizens during the last election... we don’t even have elections!”

“Yes, your Highness, that’s another thing. The changelings are starting to question the wisdom in the current government.”

“...Under my rule there’s been a thousand years of constant magical and technological evolution, universal health care, perfectly regulated weather, good education, a healthy unemployment rate, almost no poverty, a low crime rate, no war, low taxes, and any threat has barely lasted more than twenty-four hours. What could possibly be bugging them?”

“Well... an entire invasion happened and was set up right under your nose...”

“...I...they...they’re the ones that caused it!” Celestia gaped.

“Yes, and they’re worried they got away with it.”

“...What?”

“After all, you’re letting creatures that invaded the kingdom just move right on in.”

There was a silence.

Celestia levitated her flask up and took a drink.

“Your Highness, should you be drinking on duty?”

“Should you be questioning the immortal sun goddess?”

“...No.”

“Exactly. Now, what is the word on Captain Armor, Princess Cadance, and Lady Twilight?”

“Well, Private Exposition had a hard time keeping Captain Armor under control, but he found a way...”

Shining Armor laid in bed, his tongue hanging out and his eyes wide open. Private Exposition lifted the covers around him, tucking him in. Then he levitated the mug he had been drinking from and handed it to his fellow soldier. “I knew that would do the trick.”

Said soldier gaped at the sight of their usually respectable captain. He turned to Exposition. “What in Equestria was he drinking?”

“A special muscle relaxant tea I picked up overseas.”

“That’s it?”

“Well... I may have added some valium in as well...”

“Princess Cadance seems to be just fine. She was just seen leaving the castle with a spring in her step and a song in her heart. She’s just as innocent as ever.”

“With tough leather and heavy locks, this system will ensure your partner will always be with you, no matter how much they want to get away.”

Cadance rubbed her chin at the salespony’s pitch. “Hmm... I’ll take it!”

“And all of Twilight Sparkle’s friends were there to comfort her after last night. She should be in pretty good shape, as far as repairing her mental and emotional damage.”

Twilight sat in a small alcove, deep in the Starswirl the Bearded Wing of the Canterlot Royal Library. She rocked back and forth, clutching her back knees in her forelegs. “I’m in a happy place, I’m in a happy place, I’m in a happy place...”

At the last one, a wave of guilt surged through Celestia, but she suppressed it. “I see. Are there any other issues I should be aware of?”

“Yes. The Canterlot Elite are demanding their money back.”

Celestia arched an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Well, the Elite donated a large portion of their money so they could be present at the wedding. Now that the wedding isn’t happening, they’re demanding their money back.”

“But we already spent that money on the food, decorations, and with paying for damages, the integration, and Twilight, Shining, and Cadance’s therapy bills, the Royal Coffers are going to be drained as it is. We can’t afford it...”

“They don’t care. They didn’t get their end of the bargain, so they’re demanding their money back.”

“Well, how much would we have to pay out? Maybe we can stretch the budget a bit...”

“According to our calculations, about this much,” the advisor said, levitating a sheet of parchment over to his princess. She took it and gave it a lookover.

Shining Armor groaned as he reentered the waking world. His head pounded in pain. “What the Tartarus was in that tea?”

Exposition just smiled. “Ancient secret, sir. I knew it would help you sleep.”

“Private, there’s a difference between sleeping and being drugged. Now give me a situation report.”

“Sir...Chrysalis is out of the dungeon. She managed to enter a plea bargain and get released.”

Shining’s eyes widened in horror. He lay back on his bed, putting a pillow over his face. “Why? Is there some sort of sick cosmic being out to torment me?”

Exposition shifted a bit. “It seems the changelings are going to move into the kingdom legally. Chrysalis will be taking a seat of power in the rearranged government. She’ll be second only to the princesses in power.”

“No, no, no...” the captain of the guard moaned from under the covers.

“I’m afraid so, captain.”

“...Wait...why am I so worried?” Shining Armor asked. He stood up quickly, his hooves hitting the ground in a firm stance. “It’s not like Chrysalis can force me to marry her, right? Celestia would never let that happen!” New confidence surged through him. “I’m going to go find Cadance and beg her to give me a chance. And if she says no...well, there are plenty of fish in the sea, right?”

“That’s right, sir!”

“Absolutely nothing could ruin my mood right now. In fact, I dare the universe to ruin my mood!”

Yeah, you can guess what happened next.

“Good news, Shiny,” Chrysalis said as she came in, Celestia right behind her. “Celestia has just decreed our wedding! We’ll be married in a week!”

Shining Armor’s pupils shrunk to the size of pencil points. He slowly turned to them, his mouth slowly opening in sheer shock.

“Sorry, Shining. It’s just not in the budget to cancel. You understand...”

“...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...”

The Red String

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."

Private Exposition slapped his commanding officer.

"AAAAA...ow...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."

Exposition threw some water on him.

"AAAAA, I'M WET, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...."

"Stop this!" Celestia demanded. "You're the Captain of my guards! Show some dignity!"

"This week I was left at the altar for my sister and I'm being forced to marry a known terrorist! I
have no dignity left!"

Chrysalis stepped forward. "Please, I only did what was best for my subjects...”

Shining stared at the Changeling Queen in disbelief. “Publicly shaming my sister was best for your subjects? Brainwashing me and keeping me as your puppet was best for your subjects?”

“That was then. Circumstances have changed...”

“No, don’t give me that...” Shining snapped, turning her attention back to Celestia. “How could you do this to me?”

“I’m sorry, Shiny, but if the Elite get their money back, we won’t have enough budget without a massive tax.”

“Shiny... please,” Chrysalis begged. “We fell in love...”

“No, you fell in love with me, I fell in love with the mare you were pretending to be. You lied to me for months! Do you expect me to find that endearing?”

Chrysalis began crying. Celestia sighed, looking at him. "Please, Shining, try to be nice. You'll be walking down the aisle with her in a few days."

“But... I don't wanna! You can’t make me!” Shining Armor said, sounding like a foal. “This wasn’t in the job description!”

Celestia stomped her hoof. Exospeak walked up, levitating a scroll in front of himself. “All Royal Guards will be required to lay down their lives in the pursuit of Equestria’s greater good, regardless of discomfort, family, sacrifice, or dignity...”

The aide trailed off. “Something’s scratched off here...”

“That’s just something Luna and I wrote in when we took the throne as teenagers, nothing important...”

“I can make it out,” the aide assured.

“That’s not necessary,” the Princess said quickly, “It’s been repealed...”

“ And they will be required to pleasu...”

“We have copies of that, right?”

“Yes,” Exospeak said before the scroll suddenly burst into flames.

“Whoops, look at that, the scroll exploded. You’ll look into that never,” Celestia said, just slowly enough to be intelligible. She turned back to Shining Armor. “I’m sorry, Captain, but it’s for the greater good.”

“Can’t you make an exception? I’m a loyal subject!”

“I’m afraid not,” Celestia sighed.

“Isn’t there any way for me to get out of this?”

“Sure. Find another pony to marry you before the ceremony... or get Twilight to marry Cadance.”

Shining was gone in that moment.

Twilight poked her head out of the library. She looked around before slowly walking out.

“Twilight!” Applejack called.

The Unicorn nearly jumped as she turned. She relaxed to see her five friends run toward her.

“There you are! Come on, you need to eat somethin’.”

“Eat? I can’t eat! I think I’m going insane!”

Rarity walked up to her and placed a hoof on her shoulder. “Everything is going to be all right, sister,” said Princess Luna’s voice.

Twilight blinked. “What?”

“I said, everything’s going to be alright, Darling,” Rarity repeated. “But I can hardly expect you to think clearly on an empty stomach.”

“Yeah! Come on, the chefs are making breakfast hay!” Pinkie giggled

“That actually sounds good,” Twilight sighed. “Besides, I’m done with the library for now. I’ve found what I’m looking for.”

“Well, that’s...”

“Twiley!”

Shining Armor bounded into the room, landing in front of the group with a panicked look on his face.

“Shiny, wha...”

“Twiley, I’m sorry for everything I said! I love you, you’re my sister, I’ll never doubt you again, and I'll get down on my knees in front of all of Equestria to beg for forgiveness if that's what it's going to take! But please, I need your help, and I need it now!”

“Why, what...”

“Princess Celestia is forcing me to marry the Changeling Queen!”

“What?” came six equally shocked cries.

“I’m going to be forced to marry that overgrown bug unless I can find somepony else to marry! You have to help me!”

“Sure, I’ll...”

Shining Armor leapt to his feet, glancing over Twilight’s friends until his gaze landed on Rarity. “You, you seem like a high class mare!”

“Well...” Rarity blushed, flattered.

“How would you like to become the wife of the Captain of the Guard?”

“Why, I most certainly...”

“Not so fast!”

Everypony stopped and looked at Applejack, who seemed angry.

“I ain’t gonna let some high-class stallion come and take Rare away from me.”

Everypony gaped at the cowpony. She paid this no heed, she only shoved Shining Armor aside and took Rarity’s hoof.

“Rare, I’ve been regrettin’ that break-up fer too long. I loves ya, even though we have nothin’ in common and our future goals are nearly completely incompatible with each other!”

“Oh, Applejack! Even though I’ve only shown interest in stallions 90% of the time and always wanted a high-class pony, I instantly accept your offer!”

And with that, the two mares fell to the ground and began making out with great passion.

The others gaped at this sight. Shining Armor snapped out of it first, and looked among Twilight’s remaining two friends.

“You!” he said, pointing to Fluttershy. “How about you? Will you marry me?”

“Oh, um...”

“Not so fast!” Pinkie declared, knocking Shining Armor to the ground with a body check. “I love Fluttershy!”

Everypony gaped. Rarity and Applejack continued to make out.

“Fluttershy, I love you! And I want to be together with you forever!”

Fluttershy shifted. “Um... well... I wouldn’t want to disappoint you...but are you sure it’s a good idea? I mean, we’ve been friends for so long, and this could ruin it...”

“My last partner said I was great in bed.”

“...Okay.”

And with that, Pinkie and Fluttershy began making out.

Twilight, Shining Armor, and Rainbow Dash watched this scene with shocked awkwardness.

Desperate, Shining turned to the last of Twilight’s friends.

The friend who had a rainbow mane, a muscular figure, and a tomboy attitude.

“...”

Then he turned to Twilight. “Do you have any other friends?”

Rainbow Dash face vaulted. “Hey, what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, it’s just obvious you’re... into mares. And not the normal into mares that most mares are.”

“What? But... I...”

“Let me know if you find anypony,” Shining Armor said, ignoring Rainbow Dash entirely. "I need to find somepony or I’m going to to have Chrysalis as my wife!”

Shining Armor bolted down the hallway, leaving one mare angry, one mare confused, and two pairs of mares trading spit.

“...What just happened?” Twilight asked.

“Can you believe him?” Rainbow Dash asked indignantly. “Do I look like a pony who can’t be feminine?”

“...I think I’ll go get breakfast. We’ll continue this conversation never,” Twilight said quickly. Then she teleported away, leaving Rainbow Dash to huff.

Spike nervously walked through the hallways, fearing every surface and every object. How did he avoid catching these STDs? He needed to know. He had to find out.

Princess Luna passed him in the hallway, levitating a stack papers.

“Excuse me, Princess.”

Luna stopped, only half looking at him. “Yes?”

“Do you know if there’s a spell for locating germs that I could cast on myself?”

“Hm? Oh yes, one moment.” Luna mentally went through centuries worth of spells in her repertoire. She then lit up her horn and bathed Spike in her magic.

“There you are. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must be off...”

“Thank you,” he said, turning around.

What followed was several thousand tiny little green specks crawling all over his vision, infecting everything and anything it touched.

“...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Chrysalis sat in her chambers, weeping. Her love didn’t return her affections. Her pillow continued to soak her bedsheets. What was she to do now?

“I don’t understand it!” she wailed. “I only lied to him for months about everything about myself. How could he still be mad? We had our initial fight, now he’s supposed to forgive me and we’ll live happily ever after!”

Private Exposition, who was guarding her, raised an eyebrow. “Did you get all your dating advice from romantic comedies?”

“Doesn’t everycreature?” she asked curiously.

Exposition sighed. “Well, your Majesty, if you truly love him, then perhaps you should let him go, allow him to make up his own mind...”

“You’re right! I should go through with the wedding! Once he’s been married to me for a while, he’ll see how great of a wife I could be!”

“Um, that’s not what I...”

“Thanks for the suggestion, workslave! Now, polish my horn!”

“But...”

“I have spoken!”

Exposition sighed and levitated the the horn polish off the nearby dresser. He placed the polish on a rag and began moving it up and down Chrysalis’s horn. The Changeling Queen kicked back and began dreaming about her wedding day.

“It will be perfect. I’ll be wearing the greatest dress that white unicorn can make...”

“I doubt she’ll work with you after you tricked her into walking out on her best friend...”

“...Shining Armor will be standing there, tall and proud...”

“He’ll be shivering and crying because you’re about to completely ruin his life.”

“He’ll whisper sweet nothings in my ear...”

“...A moment ago you were crying that he didn’t love you. Are you insane?”

“And when we get to our wedding bed... ooh, I can only imagine...”

And as Exposition moved the rag up, the horn suddenly lit, and a large spark erupted from the tip.

Exposition stopped dead, looking at the rag, the spark, and the Queen’s lovesick expression.

“...That’s it, I’m out of here.”

Twilight slowly ate her meal, not speaking to anypony. It wasn't like she had much of a chance to talk anyway. Rarity and Applejack were placing bites of their meals into the other's mouth, Pinkie and Fluttershy, meanwhile, hadn't eaten at all. They were too busy tasting each other to pay attention to anything.

Still, the food was good, and she was starting to feel better. Now that she was immune

"You know," Twilight noted, munching on her breakfast hay, "this has such an interesting flavor." She took another bite. "They must have seasoned it with something."

"Mmph, mmph, mmph," Pinkie and Fluttershy noted.

"Thanks for this, girls, I think I feel better now," Twilight admitted. "In fact, this is quite a pick-me-up."

"...I'm feminine, right?" Rainbow Dash asked. “I mean, I can be feminine, right?”

Twilight stopped chewing, eyeing her friend. “Well... you are kind of... coltish.”

The pegasi glared. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She held up her hooves in defense. “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s great you’re not conforming to gender roles, it’s just... you don’t really seem all that feminine. You don’t really like makeup, or fashion, or anything like that. Ponies tend to see that as... oh, oh! Come on you two!”

Rarity and Applejack looked up from the floor, both of their cheeks turning red. “Yes, sorry about that. I do say we got a little carried away.”

“A little? Applejack was sticking her...”

“Maybe we best do this in private,” Applejack noted, pulling her marefriend away.

“Look, don’t you think you’re moving kind of fast? I mean...”

But the pair wasn’t listening. They were pulling each other up and off, towards the suite Applejack had been given.

Twilight sighed and went back to her food, while Rainbow Dash continued to whine. “I mean, I’ve dated stallions before... I think... there was... no, he was just a very stalliony mare.”

“Rainbow Dash, why are you so worried? The whole tomboy thing is you, and you usually don’t care what other ponies think.”

“I know, it’s just... well, I'd like to get a look now and then. From a stallion, I mean. All my partners have been mares... I never thought I was making people think I was a full-on lesbian.”

Twilight sighed. "Well, if you're that concerned, why not try actually having a spa date like we keep telling you to do? If nothing else, it will help you feel better."

"Well..."

“Hey, Twilight,” a sultry voice purred.

Twilight froze. Carefully, she turned to a face she had learned to dread over the past few days.

Cadance licked her lips. "How's my favorite future wife doing?"

Twilight gulped and shivered, now back to the scared pony she had been for the past day. In a flash, she placed a shield around herself. "C-Cadance... I haven't agreed to marry you..."

"Wait. Favorite future wife?" Rainbow Dash asked. "You have more than one?"

"Well, I'm sure you've thought it over," she purred, running her hoof up Twilight's barrier. "Maybe one of my spells will help..."

"I'm immune now!" she said quickly. "I figured out how to block your spells!"

Much to her horror, Cadance merely chuckled. "Well, I have my ways..."

Twilight gave another gulp and returned to her meal, desperately trying to concentrate on her food. But the pink alicorn was still there, and she could feel her eyes on her, looking her over like she was a particularly delicious piece of chocolate cake.

"You know, I've learned a lot about love over the years," Cadance said casually. "Did you know that there are special leaves and herbs that act as a natural aphrodisiacs?"

Twilight clenched. "You... are not going to feed me those," she said angrily.

Cadance just smiled. "You're right. I'm not going to do anything."

There was silence as Twilight tried to process, exactly, what her former foalsitter meant.

"You know, this has such an interesting flavor. They must have seasoned it with something."

Her eyes widened as they traveled to her fork, with a biteful of hay still hanging off of it. She then looked at Cadance, who was licking her lips expectantly.

"...I need an adult."

Experiments

Twilight Sparkle just gaped at her former foalsitter with a look of absolute horror. She looked at the food, then back at her sinisterly grinning stalker.

Who then burst out laughing.

“You should see the look on your face! You actually thought I...” she descended into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Twilight breathed a relieved sigh as she glared at Cadance. “Don’t do that!”

“Aw, come on, it’s just a joke! Besides, before long you’ll be wanting me in bed all on your own!” she said with a click of the tounge.

“Cadance, please,” Twilight nearly yelled, “don’t do this! I’m confused!”

“Hey, hey, take a deep breath okay?” the Alicorn noted, slipping into her old role as her foalsitter. “In, out, in, out...”

Twilight, despite the scares of the last few days, found herself soothed by her foalsitter’s voice. She took the the deep breaths.

“Feeling better?”

“...Yeah,” Twilight said.

“Alright, now tell me honestly, why aren’t you attracted to me?”

“Cadance... I told you, I’m not into mares.”

“Have you ever tried kissing a mare?”

“...Well, no, but... why would I?”

“Twiley, you need to try. Come on, you didn’t feel anything when I kissed you?”

“Shock, confusion, minor brain hemorrhaging...”

“Come on, let’s try a kiss.”

Twilight stammered. “Cadance, please, this is freaking me out.”

She sighed. “Alright... I can see how it coming from me might make you a little uncomfortable.” She looked past the object of her affection to Rainbow Dash. “How about you? You seem to be perfectly...”

“I’m not a lesbian!” she snapped. “I’m bi, really!”

“Fair enough, why don’t you...”

“Princess, I...” she sighed. “I’m sorry. Any other time I might have, but... well, nopony thinks I’m feminine. It just... it came as a shock to me."

"...It did?" Cadance said, genuinely surprised.

"Hey!"

"Alright, settle down. Look," Cadance said as she levitated a napkin from the table. Using a pen, she wrote an address and her signature down on the cloth before passing it to her. "This is the address of a high-end spa in Canterlot. Just go in and show them my signature and they should give you a free makeover."

Rainbow Dash took the napkin and looked at it for a moment before looking back at Cadance. "Are you sure it will work?"

Cadance shrugged. "Maybe. Do you really have anything to lose? Just try it out."

The pegasus sighed. "I guess not... thanks, Cadance. I owe you." With that, she flew up and away, eager to get to the spa.

"No problem. Now, why don't we find another of your friends, Twily? I'm sure they'd be willing to give you a kiss."

"C-Cadance! I..."

"Oh come on, Twiley, you're a scientist, surely you're up for some... experiments?" She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Twilight gulped. "I need an adult... for real this time."

"Oh, don't be like that," Cadance brushed her off. "How about one of those two?"

Twilight turned and saw that she meant Fluttershy and Pinkie, who she had forgotten were there. Apparently, they had forgotten they were there, too, because they were starting to get even more intimate.

"Uh, Fluttershy... Pinkie... the two of you are... oh... ugh! Whoa!"

"Hm," Cadance said, "I'll have to remember that one. Well, where are the other two?"

"Oh, Shi-ny!" Chrysalis sang as she wrapped on his bedroom door. "Come on out and talk to me!"

Shining was beginning to wonder if suicide would be the better option. He looked around his room, desperately searching for a way out.

"Shi-ny! Come on! Let your little lovebug in!"

"You're not my anything! Go away!"

"But Shiny..."

"That's Captain Armor to you!"

"Good, I love a stallion in uniform!"

"Just go away!"

"Why won't you give my love a chance!?"

Shining Armor was sweating bullets now. He had to think of a way out. Would deserting be a worthwhile option? It meant death if caught, but at least he wouldn't have to marry Chrysalis.

"Wait... why are you in there? Why are you avoiding me? Are you having an affair?"

"...How can I have an affair? We aren't together! Has everypony but me gone crazy?"

"You are having an affair!" she huffed. “How could you? Well, according to the magazines, you are anyway!”

“We are not in a relationship! Get away from me!”

There was silence for a moment. Cautiously, he peered out the door. She was gone.

He took a breath in relief. “That was close... maybe I’ve finally gotten rid of her...”

Twilight kept nervously glancing at Cadance, half-expecting her to suddenly jump on her and smother her with kisses. To her great relief, it seemed she had calmed down considerably. Turning the corner, she came to the door they were looking for.

“Now, are you sure this is where your friends are staying?”

Twilight nodded. “Yeah. Rarity was staying here, and I doubt they’d be staying in Applejack's room. Rarity keeps everything neat as a pin.”

Nodding, Cadance rapped on the door with her hoof. “Rarity? Applejack? Are you two in there?”

“Uh... yeah...” Applejack answered slowly.

“Oh yes! Do come in, Darling.”

“Ah, no, wait!” Applejack’s voice rang out, but to no avail, as Cadance opened the door.

And then her and Twilight gaped.

Rarity looked normal, but Applejack looked... grey. And rocky. Pieces of what looked like foam cut jaggedly were stuck to her fur, which was also colored grey. And she had a leash that ended in Rarity’s mouth.

“...She... um, she has... weird tastes,” Applejack muttered resignedly.

“Doesn’t she look marvelous, darlings,” Rarity cooed as she licked her lips hungrily. “Just like Tom!”

“Tom? ...Rarity, did you get checked out by those doctors okay?” Twilight said worriedly.

“Oh, that doctor was a load of ponyfeathers! She said I was obsessive-compulsive! Can you believe that?”

“Hmm... rockplay,” Cadance mused, looking at Twilight with a thoughtful expression. “I wonder how you’d look in grey.”

Twilight blushed. “C-Cadance!”

“Right, later. Anyway, I was hoping one of you could give Twilight some practice kissing!”

“Absolutely! Darling, we would be more than happy to help you!”

“I-I’m not sure about this,” Twilight said nervously.

“Oh, Darling, you’re not troubling anypony.”

“No, it’s not that, I’m just not sure if I’m comfortable with all...”

She was cut off as Rarity crashed her lips down on hers.

Spike ran through the halls, yelling at the top of his lungs at the thousands of germs crawling over everything. He ducked into a room.

He was just in time to see the tip of a bottle pointed at him.

“It landed on Spike!” Apple Bloom declared. “You know what that means!”

“Right. Pucker up!” Sweetie said, moving closer and making a kissing face, puckering her lips.

Her dirty, germ-covered lips.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

And he was gone again.

Rainbow Dash sat in the high-end spa, not sure how to feel. She glanced around the expensive settings, featuring wall decorations worth more than she made in a year, and feeling very out of place. The stylist chair she sat in was extraordinarily comfortable, and nearby a whole workbench of perfumes and shampoos that she guessed were fancy based on how many of them she couldn't pronounce.

“Well, isn’t this a small world.”

The pegasus tensed up, then turned to see Chrysalis taking a seat next to her.

“What are you doing here?” she demanded.

“Getting a makeover. Shiny is having an affair, so I need to remind him that I am the only mare in his life.”

“...How can you have an affair? You’re not together!”

“Then, once I show up and he’s drooling over me, I’ll kick him in the crotch so he can’t have me for a week.”

“...”

“What? That’s what the magazines say to do.”

“...You’re a psychopath.”

“Why don’t you like me? You really have no reason to.”

“You humiliated my friend and tricked us into turning our back on her, kidnapped her, and then tried to kill us.”

“Oh, that was yesterday! You need to get over it.”

“Hello there... girls?” a spa pony said, a unicorn with a white coat and mane and a comb for a cutie mark. “I am... um... you are mares, right?”

“Yes,” both said through gritted teeth.

“I am Body Sculpter, and I’ll be your caretaker today.” He tilted his head. “You’re going to need the big guns.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Chrysalis said. “I’ll have you know I was voted the most beautiful changeling in my hive.”

“How many voted for you?”

“100 percent of the survivors,” Chrysalis answered.

“Um, yes, well... I think it would benefit you both to use the most potent material I have.” He rooted through his supple cabinet, producing a small bottle. “Behold, the Great Graceful Glamoring Perfume! It’s been specially treated by the top-tier unicorns to make you more feminine.”

Using his magic, he levitated the vial over to the pair and gave them each a puff.

The results were almost instantaneous. Rainbow Dash’s hair grew longer, and it became even, until it could have been mistaken for Rarity’s. Her form became more shapely, and she felt the oddest tingle in her throat.

Chrysalis’s hair also became even, and more silky, less like it was vines. Her fangs disappeared, as did the holes in her legs.

“There, now that’s an improvement,” Body Sculpter said, levitating mirrors to the pair.

“Hey this does look good! Wow, my voice isn't as scratchy anymore! This is awesome! Well... it’s going to make flying harder with long hair...”

“I can style it to better fit...”

“What have you done!?” Chrysalis shrieked. “I’m hideous!”

“You look great!”

“By pony standards! All of you are ugly!”

“Then... why do you want to marry Shining Armor so bad?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“I love him for more than his looks! Why does everyone assume I’m so shallow?”

“...You’re forcing him to marry you, and you don't seem to care whether he wants it or not,” the Pegasus pointed out.

“I demand you turn me back to normal!” she demanded, levitating the pony menacingly.

“Ah! Please don’t hurt me! It’ll wear off in a week!”

“But I’m getting married tomorrow!”

“Then why don’t you just change into your old form?” Rainbow Dash asked.

...

A burst of green flames, and Chrysalis was back to her old self. “I ought to have you beheaded for pointing out the Queen’s stupidity!”

Rolling her eyes, Rainbow Dash turned back to Body Sculpter, who Chrysalis had released and therefore was on the ground dazed. “Well, I like it! Give me some more of that!” she said, grabbing the vial. She pulled of the top and began pouring the liquid all over herself.

“What? No! Stop, you fool! That’s too much! No!”

It was too late. A big, bright flash filled the room.

As Applejack, now out of her rock outfit, pulled her lips away from Twilight, the purple unicorn licked her lips.

“Okay... from the both of you... I think I could like mares.”

“Good,” Cadance said, pushing Applejack aside, “then you’re ready for me.”

“Wait, Cadance, I...”

It was in vain. Cadance pushed Twilight down on the bed and draped her legs over her, pinning her. Then, she pressed her lips onto Twilight’s for a deep kiss.

And unlike the others, she used tongue.

Also unlike the others, the door picked that exact moment to open.

“Hey, have you guys seen...” Shining Armor trailed off.

“Shiny!” Twilight said, breaking apart from Cadance. “This... this isn’t...”

And then Shining Armor fainted. Again.

Rainbows, Darling! Rainbows!

"Shining Armor, I'm glad you could make it," Princess Celestia said officially as the stallion in question trudged into the throne room, looking like he hadn't slept in days. "I understand life has been difficult for you, but there is an urgent matter that needs your attention."

"Of course, Princess, I live to serve," he deadpanned, sounding like he would rather be anywhere else, doing anything else.

"You might have noticed, Captain Armor, that the ratio of same-sex marriages is on the rise."

"Believe me, I noticed," Shining Armor said in a weary tone.

"I'm all for allowing ponies the freedom to love and live as they please, but if this continues, there could be population concerns. No foals being born could mean trouble."

"I see... so what am I expected to do about it?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Celestia said. "By Royal Decree, I am ordering you to impregnate every lesbian mare in Equestria. It will mean days, maybe even months of nonstop effort towards this goal, as each might take multiple attempts, but there is no other choice."

"...Youdon'tsaywell... wait a minute, won’t that cause a problem a generation later when half the eligible ponies are related to me?”

“Are you turning down an offer like this?”

“No, just saying. For the good of Equestria, I accept this task," he said, opening his mouth and spraying in the breath spray he just so happened to carry for situations like this.

"Excellent. Allow me to bring in the first mare," she said, lighting up her horn.

There was a blinding flash of white light, which caused Shining to look away. When it cleared, he looked in anticipation. Instantly his eyes widened to beach ball size, his pupils shrinking to pencil points.

"Hi Shiny!" Twilight said happily, waving.

Shining Armor turned to Princess Celestia.

"Every. Lesbian. Mare," she said with a firm tone.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Shining Armour shot up, breathing heavily. He looked around. He was in his honeymoon suite.

"Oh, thank Celestia," he said, dropping back down. "It was just a horrible dream."

Twilight draped a foreleg around him. "What was it about, Shiny?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Shining Armor shot up, breathing heavily. He looked around. Cadance, Twilight, Applejack, and Rarity were all looking at him concerned.

"Shiny, are you alright?" Twilight asked.

"...Okay... what happened before I passed out?"

"You caught me and my future wife practicing," Cadance said with a smirk. Twilight opened her mouth to protest, but decided it would have had the same effect as flicking rice to stop an oncoming train.

“Oh, this couldn’t get any worse,” Shining Armor muttered. Then his eyes went wide. “No, no, I didn’t mean that!”

The door flew open. Almost immediately it slammed shut as Chrysalis entered the room, breathing heavily and looking like she had seen an unspeakable horror. When she saw the five ponies gaping at her, she did something most unexpected. She fell to her knees.

“Please... I had nothing to do with this, honest. Just... don’t let her near me!”

“What are you babbling about?” Shining demanded. “What...”

“Oh darlings,” a voice sang from behind the door.

Chrysalis’s eyes went wide. She bolted forward and hid herself under the bed. “I’m not here!”

Before they could ask her who it was, the door opened, and five jaws dropped.

It was Rainbow Dash... but at the same time it wasn’t. For starters, she was wearing what was, without a doubt, the tackiest dress ever conceived by any equine ever. Even Applejack, who had the fashion sense of a diamond dog, managed to know it was terrible. It was pink, with hearts and flowers decorating it. A matching sunbonnet accompanied it, out of which flowed much longer hair. Hair that was styled, they noted, on a pony who hardly combed.

“Darlings!” she said, moving stiffly. “So wonderful to see you!”

“...”

“...finally!” Rarity exclaimed, rushing to her friend. “Darling, you look magnificent!”

“Darling, you look magnificent!”

“Darling, you look beautiful!”

“Darling, you look amazing!”

“Darling!”

“...”

“I had such a marvelous time at the spa, Darlings! Thank you, Princess,” Rainbow Dash said.

“...Uh, you’re welcome?” Cadance said, nervously.

“But poor Chryssy was so upset. She’s having, and I’m afraid that won’t do, a terrible time, Darlings. That naughty conflict is simply too dreadful to continue. So you see, Darlings, I was hoping to find her. Have you Darlings seen her?”

“Why do you keep saying Darlings?” Shining Armor asked.

Before Rainbow Dash could answer, another guard came running up. “There you are! Queen Chrysalis has ordered that you be detained...”

“Ah, ah, ah,” Rainbow Dash said, sticking her hoof to the guard’s chest. “That’s conflict. We can’t have that, Darlings.”

Instantly the guard let out an ear-piercing scream. He withered and squirmed on the floor, his coat and mane turning pink. Then, he rose.

Or rather, she rose.

“Thanks, Rainbow Dash,” the mare said in a squeaky voice. “I felt really really super-duper not-good, but now I feel really really super-duper all better!”

“Of course you do, Darlings. Now go and spread your message of non-conflict to the other guards.”

“Okay! Then I can play with the stuff in my stuffy stuff drawer!” With that, she skipped down the hall.

Rainbow turned back to the room, which was now frozen in terror at the monstrosity Rainbow Dash had become. “Now then, do you know where Chryssy... Oh my, this won’t do!”

It took a moment for everypony in the room to realize that she was looking straight at Shining Armor with a disapproving look.

“Me? What did I...”

“Stallions are simply improper, Darling,” she stated, in a regretful tone. “There'll be no place for the Darlings in our Darling new world order.” With that, she raised her hoof and drew it toward him.

Realizing what was going on, Chrysalis exploded out from under the bed. “You’re not taking my stallion without a fight!” she snarled, grabbing onto him and pulling her up against her chest while lighting up her horn. With one great burst she fired it at Rainbow Dash.

The aim was true. It struck her in the face causing bits of her to break off. A very bloody, very messy sight lay before them, with the bare bone of her skull showing through the marred flesh.

Everypony else screamed in terror as Rainbow Dash was struck.

But she didn’t flinch.

She just looked at Chrysalis as, slowly, half of her face grew back. Blood dried, then disappeared. If the observers didn't know better, it would be like Rainbow Dash was never struck.

“Darling.... that wasn’t very nice.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Chrysalis jumped out the window and flew away, screaming in terror all the while.

Rainbow Dash dropped. “Aw, the Darling got away.” But then she smiled. “But that Darling can’t hide forever! I must bid you Darlings adieu, I have some Darling business to attend to. Darling, Darling, Darling!”

With that, Rainbow Dash skipped down the hallway, singing “How I adore painting my nails!”

Silence hung in the air for a moment as the four remaining mares just gaped at the sight.

“Uh, Twi?” Applejack said. “You think maybe you ought to have done somethin’ ‘bout that?”

“Like what?” Twilight said. “Chrysalis blasted her at close range, and she shrugged it off.”

“Well, reverse it or somethin’! You’re the Princess of that miracle crud!”

“...Maybe we should go talk to Princess Celestia about this...”

“Well, if they get rid of all the stallions,” Cadance said in a sultry tone, draping her foreleg around Twilight, “Then you’d have to get use to...”

“Now’s not the time!”

Spike scrubbed the floor for the fiftieth time. Finally, after three solid hours of nonstop scrubbing, his room was finally free of germs. Finally, he was safe.

And then the door opened.

"There you are!" Sweetie Belle said happily.

Spike turned. Sweetie was indeed in the doorway, with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. And so were the germs, spreading out all across the room.

"Ahh! Get out, all of you!"

"Sorry, Spike, but th' bottle landed on you," Apple Bloom said. "Sweetie's gotta kiss ya now."

"Yeah, so come on!" Sweetie said, coming closer toward Spike.

"No, no, no, get away! Get away!"

"Kissie, kissie, kissie!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Spike tried ducking out of the way, but Sweetie leapt onto him and put him in a vice grip, placing her lips on his cheek.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo.... hey, that actually felt pretty good!"

Celestia was beginning to wonder how much more of her flask she could get away with drinking, and if she could discreetly reach for any of the emergency ones she kept in her throne. She had already downed half of it dealing with the changelings, and when Jet Set practically banged down her door, she knew she’d need a bigger drink.

“What is this?” he demanded, holding up an Extra headline about the marriage between Chrysalis and Shining Armor.

“Well, we need to have a Royal Wedding, so we’ve arranged for Chrysalis to...”

“But Chrysalis isn’t a princess! She’s a Queen!”

“Well, yes,” Celestia said patiently, “but she will be a princess once the integration hits in everything but name. She merely insists on being called Queen.”

“Yes, that’s just it. She’s not a princess. Royal Weddings have always had a princess! That's the way it's supposed to be!"

"Well, yes, but it's really such a small change that shouldn't affect the overall feel of..."

"No!" Jet Set yelled, stomping his hooves. "Everything has to be exactly what I'm expecting or it's terrible!"

Celestia sighed, wishing she had about thirty extra flasks. "Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

"Have Cadance get married! She's a Princess!"

"But..." then she sighed. "Very well..."

At that point, Twilight and her friends burst in, all looking panicked. "Princess, something has just happened..."

"I know," she sighed. "I'm sorry, my most faithful student, but I'm afraid I must insist on the wedding to go forward between you and Princess Cadance."

"...What?"

"Oh my gosh, this is so great!" Cadance exclaimed. "We'll be married, and then we'll get a nice big honeymoon in Manehattan, and I can show you how to get real kinky..."

And then Twilight fainted.

"...Really, I'm starting to think the Sparkle family has a most peculiar medical condition," Rarity noted.

Author's Note

This chapter is short, but I think this story works best fast paced.

By the way, I hope you people appreciate this. I watched G3. G3!

It Gets Much Worse

Chrysalis landed in an alleyway in the city, still clutching Shining Armor to her chest like an oversized rag doll. She looked out the alley, glancing around to see if she had been followed. Breathing a sigh of relief, she released her hold on him. "I... I think we're safe."

Shining Armor looked at her, all while trying to let his breath and his heart catch up with the rest of his body. "You... you saved my life..."

"Of course, my love," she said, leaning in for a kiss. However, Shining Armor pulled away.

"Wait, wait, I didn't..." he protested, then stopped, trying to think of what to say. "I just thanked you for saving my life. That doesn't mean I'm willing to... you can't expect me to..."

Chrysalis looked ready to cry. "Why won't you love me?"

Shining Armor opened his mouth to answer, but realized that trying to reason with her was an exercise in futility. "Look, you seem... tolerable," he said, "but you're not the mare for me. We're just... too different."

“True love...”

“I know, I know,” he said, praying to the Creator that he was sounding sincere. “But... I just don’t love you that way. Remember when Cadance... rejected me,” he tried to hold back his tears. “I accepted her decision, and you need to accept mine.”

“...I get it...”

“I’m glad you...”

“Who is she?”

“...What?”

“Who’s the two-bit hussie that thinks she can take my stallion away?”

“...What?!”

Before he could respond, Chrysalis dashed out of the alleyway and cornered the first mare she could find. "Did you seduce my stallion?"

"Uh..." was all Fleetfoot had time to say before she was suddenly cocooned in green slime. Immediately Chrysalis moved on to the next mare in the street, which happened to be Upper Crust. "Are you making moves on my stallion?"

"Is he rich?"

Wrong answer, she was cocooned as well. As Chrysalis went up and down the street, cocooning mares, Shining Armor just stood there, mouth agape, wondering what the best way to sneak out of the city was.

Spike wandered through the halls of the castle, unsure of what to do. Despite the massive amount of germs on their lips, he had enjoyed kissing each of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. But they were so... filthy! He couldn't avoid the germs, he had to have another kiss. What was he going to do?

"Spike?" Prince Blueblood asked. "Why are you wandering around here. I thought you'd be helping Twilight get ready for the wedding."

Spike looked at the prince for a minute. He had been reasonably approachable back when he lived in the castle, and he had bedded a lot of mares, whatever that meant.

"How do I avoid getting STDs?"

Blueblood's eyes bulged out of his head. "What? Why do you need to know that?"

"Because Twilight said they're super cooties which means fillies have them and the germ spell shows me that but kissing fillies is nice so I don't know what to do!"

"...Ah, I see," Blueblood said, being quicker on the uptake than a lot of ponies gave him credit for. "First off, let's get rid of that spell, it's going to be more trouble than it's worth." He lit his horn, and Spike's vision cleared. "Now then, I'm going to teach you what every foal half your age knows already..."

Twilight awakened in a fit of panic. She was in Celestia's chambers now, the Princess of the Sun had been wise enough to send Cadance away until Twilight recovered. She had wrapped her in a blanket she had used back when she was a young filly, a bit of foalhood memory to ease the mentally scarring trauma.

"H-how..." Twilight stammered, clutching the blanket close.

"I'm sorry, Twilight, it has to be done."

"But..."

"There will be rebellion, anarchy if..."

"Princess Celestia," a messenger came in. "The changelings are demanding to know why there are none of them in your cabinet."

"Because they only became citizens a day ago, now please let me comfort my student," she said, sounding more than a little annoyed. After the messenger left, she turned back to her faithful student. "I know this is hard for you, but I'm afraid it's for the greater good."

"I've suffered a lot for the greater good," Twilight said, her voice cracking as she held back tears. "It hasn't even gotten me the benefit of the doubt."

Celestia felt a dagger going through her heart, but she put on a brave face. "I know, my faithful student, and I'm sorry for that, but..."

"Princess, the changelings demand to know why you haven't fixed the economy."

"It only broke a day ago, now please!" The messenger left. "You've given and suffered a great deal for Equestria, far more than should be placed on a single pony. If I could lift your burdens, I would. But..."

"The changelings are accusing you of racism. Why should one downtrodden group have a sole tax?"

"Be-cause-they're-the-ones-that-caused-the-ec-o-nom-ic-crisis!" Celestia said through gritted teeth. "Now don't bother me again!"

The messenger left.

"But I have lived a thousand years for others, giving up things I love... ponies I love..." she trailed off, looking into the distance for a moment. She shook her head. "I'm no stranger to sacrifice. I know you've done much, and it breaks my heart to ask it again of you, but it needs to be done."

Twilight started crying. "I'm so sick of everything. It's like I woke up and everything went crazy."

Celestia draped her wing over the pony she loved like a daughter, pulling her close. She kissed her cheek and nuzzled her. "I'll do everything in my power to prevent this. And if I fail, well, you'll be able to nullify the marriage in a year once this dies down."

"A year?" Twilight wailed. "Do you know what Cadance could do to me in that time?"

“Twilight, I know my niece is coming on strong, but do you honestly think..."

"Princess, the changelings are questioning if you’re handling the war in Saddle Arabia well enough."

"We are not at war with Saddle Arabia! We've never been at war with Saddle Arabia! Relations between the countries are good! Now don't bother me again!”

The messenger jumped and sped out. Instantly Celestia was that warm motherly demeanor again. "This is a hurdle we can get through. Once the citizens are pacified and the changelings integrated, there will be nothing else to worry about, right?"

Spike's eyes had widened, his pupils shrunk to the size of quill points as Blueblood finished.

"And that's everything you needed to know but were afraid to ask."

"Um... wow... that sounds pretty disgusting..."

Blueblood just laughed. "Better you think that now. You feel differently when you're older."

"But I can't get an STD from kissing, right?"

"Of course not. Now you go back in there, plant a big one on the prettiest filly there, and claim her as your marefriend."

"Thanks!" he said, racing off.

"Ah, young love," he said, smiling. "If he keeps this up, he might just get the same mare twice." He turned and began walking in the opposite direction.

"Darling!"

Blueblood screamed in horror as Rainbow Dash touched him with her hoof, causing him to change. He thrashed and bucked wildly, his body changing.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo...Golly!" Princess Blueblood stood. "Wow! I feel super-duper better!"

"I'm glad darling. Now, go on and play, and bring smiles and rainbows to the world."

"Neato! I think I'll pull out the stuff in my stuffy-stuff drawer!"

Cadance stood in front of the mirror, wearing the dress that a day ago had been on Chrysalis. She looked it up and down. "Rarity... I'm speechless."

"I thought you might like it, darling," she mused. "Certainly a lot better than that doppelganger did.”

"Oh, but is a dress like this going to look good on Twilight? It'll have to match."

"You just leave Twilight's dress to me," she assured, "I've made more dresses for her than anypony else."

"That's not really much of an accomplishment," she pointed out. It was true, even as a little filly she wasn't real big on fashion.

"Yes, well, even if that weren't the case I'd still make the best. You can count on me. And of course, my bridesmaid dress will look just as good. It'll have to be, if I expect to pull in commissions..."

"What are you talking about?"

Rarity blinked. "I am still one of your bridesmaids, aren't I?"

"No... Lyra, Minuette, and Colgate are my bridesmaids. I don't know what Chrysalis told you, but that wasn't what I wanted."

Rarity's eye twitched as she fantasized a million bits worth of commissions flying out of her reach. "I see," she said through gritted teeth. "Well then... maybe we can do something about your manestyle..."

She began pulling her hair up. The pink Alicorn jumped at the action. "Hey, what..."

"Oh believe me, I can style hair as well," she said sinisterly. "It needs to be up... with crystals in the mane."

"What? That sounds horribly gaudy..."

"Oh trust me, dear, it's traditional," she said as she started working the mane. "We just build it up, and up," she began dipping into her nearby gem supply and stuffing them into her hair.

"I don't know..."

"Twilight will love it," Rarity assured.

"...You think so?"

"Darling, she loves obscure history," she nodded, still styling the main poorly. "Now then, it still needs something... I've got it! Wait here!"

Rarity rarely teleported, and in fact often couldn't, but right now her desire for revenge was too great. In a flash of light she was gone, and three seconds later, with another flash of light, she was back. With a sleeping parasprite.

She stuffed it in her mane and sealed it up.

“There now," she sang, handing Cadance a mirror. "Doesn't that look nice?"

"...It looks... interesting," she said slowly. "You think Twilight will like this?"

"Positive," Rarity said, grinning sinisterly. "This will make for a most interesting reception."

"Well, thanks. And I'm sorry you lost your bridesmaid position... but I guess you didn't. I'm sure Twilight will make you one of hers."

Instantly Rarity's sadistic demeanor evaporated. "What?"

"Yeah. I mean, you are one of her best friends, right? She's bound to make you a bridesmaid."

"...I suppose." Rarity was trying to remain calm and composed, but the weight of what she had done was sinking in on her. What had she been thinking? Even if she was losing those bits she would have been no worse off than before. How could she lose her head like that?

She took a deep breath. There was nothing for it but to come clean. "Princess, I..."

"Rainbow Dash!” Cadance screamed suddenly. "We forgot all about her!"

Rarity's eyes widened. "Good heavens... we better do something!”

And so they ran out, forgetting all about Rarity’s attempt at a prank.

Out in the Canterlot Gardens, cracks began to form in a familiar statue, and an evil laugh was heard.

Chaos

Celestia sat at her desk, filling out more paperwork. This was a nightmare. It felt like she had been stuck in this throne room for three years. There was so much to do, and it was made even harder by the fact that Twilight was clinging to her leg, sobbing like a newborn.

“Twilight, please, I know on this is hard on you, but remember what I told you: you need to face all challenges with grace and dignity.”

“I don’t wanna!” she wailed.

“Twilight, please, you need to...”

Suddenly the door burst open and Cadance and Rarity came running in.

“Auntie! We have a big emergency? A big emergency!”

Twilight jumped in absolute fear at the sight of her future wife and hid behind Celestia’s back. Celestia herself looked at her adopted niece with concern. “Cadance... who styled your hair? It looks awful.”

“Nevermind that! We have a problem!” Rarity said quickly. “Rainbow Dash has gone crazy!”

“Crazy like Twilight did, or...”

“She’s overdosed on Great Graceful Glamoring!”

Celestia’s eyes widened. “No... no that’s not good. How far has it spread?”

“Auntie!” Princess Blueblood said from the entranceway to the throne room. “I have super duper good news! We are showing ponies all over Canterlot the way of the...”

Suddenly a blast of golden energy struck Blueblood, sending her back.

“Good Auntie, you blasted the Glamorized Blueblood.”

“...He was Glamorized?” Celestia said. “Nevermind. Don’t worry, I had a plan in case this happened. Hurry, we need to get to the weapons vault!”

Spike entered the room where the Cutie Mark Crusaders were playing spin-the-bottle. He looked at the three with a nervous, careful expression. Eventually, the three fillies noticed him and looked back.

Apple Bloom spoke first. “Spike? What’s wrong?”

“I’m trying to decide which one of you is the prettiest,” he said.

There was a brief silence before all three started blushing and giggling.

“You’re such a charmer, Spike,” Sweetie said.

“Charmer?” Spike asked.

“Say something else sweet!” Apple Bloom demanded.

“Um... you have a really pretty coat?”

Apple Bloom swooned. “Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon always insult my coat! You’re so sweet!”

He turned to Sweetie. “...You’re even prettier than Rarity?”

Sweetie Belle practically melted into the floor.

He turned to Scootaloo last. “You’re... cool?”

Scootaloo squealed in delight.

Spike smiled. Blueblood was right, flirting was easy. Now what else did Blueblood say?

“Anyone here like roses?”

“Are you kidding? They’re delicious!” Scootaloo said. “I especially like the chocolate-covered roses Bon Bon sells.”

“Well then, why don’t I take you girls to Canterlot’s best candy shop and we’ll get some!”

All three fillies crowded around Spike. “Oh Spike!”

Spike grinned. This was easy.

Celestia had a hard time walking to the armory as Twilight insisted on being right beneath her, much like a foal hiding from the monsters of the world. While usually Celestia found Twilight’s clinginess adorable, today it was starting to grate.

Eventually they arrived. Standing in front of the vault that housed the Elements of Harmony.

“Alright, now what we need is actually in the vault next to the vault where we keep the Elements of Harmony.” She motioned to said vault.

“How did we keep missing this every time we’re in here?” Rarity asked.

“There’ll be plenty of time for explanations later,” Celestia assured, unlocking the vault. As it swung open, everypony gaped at what they saw. Inside was an absolute complete collection of weapons and armor, stretching nearly as far as the eye can see. It was clear this vault was bigger on the inside.

Celestia, however, ignored most of the other weapons in favor of a seemingly innocuous set of staffs. They looked like your basic weapons, except each had grey crystals on both ends.

Rarity cocked her head. “What is this?”

“Magic cancelling crystals,” Cadance said. “I’m guessing these are designed to counteract the effects?”

Celestia nodded. “These were specifically designed to counteract the Glamorizing process. Just touching any of its victims with this will negate the effects and Twilight will you let go of me, already? Cadance isn’t going to molest you when there are more important things going on.”

“Don’t underestimate me, Auntie,” Cadance grinned.

Twilight gave a squeak of fear and clung tighter to Celestia’s leg. Eventually the Alicorn pried her off and set her down.

Celestia sighed as she pulled out a rack of clothes. “You all need to slip into one of these. They’re outfits specifically treated for fighting Glamorized ponies. Pick one and get dressed.”

A few minutes later, Celestia was dressed in a brown shirt, green jacket, and black beret.

Rarity was dressed in a pink shirt and black pants.

Cadance was dressed in a Neighponese schoolgirl outfit with green trimming.

Twilight was dressed in a blue cheerleader outfit.

“...No offense, Your Highness, but these seem awfully impractical,” Rarity said.

“They all have been magically treated to ward off the Glamorizing, even on areas they don’t cover. And they’re extra-durable, so it will be hard for the Glamorized to rip up.”

“But why are these all random clothes instead of actual armor?”

“Look, the budget ran low, and we prepared whatever we could.”

“You ran out of a budget? The immortal sun goddess with a thousand years to prepare?”

“Don’t question it,” Celestia said.

“I kind of like it,” Twilight said. “For some reason, I feel like I’ve worn it before... like I belong in it.”

“I’ll say,” Cadance said, eyeing Twilight up and down.

“Now, getting the others won’t do us much good in the long one. All we have to do is get patient zero: Rainbow Dash. She shouldn’t be too hard to find.”

At that moment, the doors to the armory opened again. “~Darling!” Princess Blueblood called, a horde of the glamorized ponies following her in. “Striking me wasn’t very nice.”

And then they swarmed in.

Almost immediately it was chaos, as the four non Glamorized ponies fought their way through the crowd.

“Why isn’t Auntie Luna helping us?” Cadance said, turning a Canterlot Nobel back to normal.

“She simply must not be aware. At least I hope she hasn’t been Glamorized. That would be a disaster!”

Luna gave a sigh of relief. “There,” she said, taking the disc out of the console. “That’s Filly Fantasy IV down, and Pony Trigger for good measure. Now, on to Filly Fantasy V.”

As she put the new disc into the console, several hooves smashed against the door to her room. “~Darling,” the voices said.

“Not now, your Princess is busy catching up on one thousand years of culture,” Luna said. “It will help me serve you better.”

“And I do hope the rest of our friends are okay,” Rarity said. “I only hope they laid low long enough to avoid these horrible beasts.”

Applejack pressed a few buttons on the Game Colt, somehow holding it between her two hooves. “So... you gotta catch all these little critters? Seems kinda redundant.”

Luna shrugged. “I wouldn’t worry about that,” she said, the opening cutscene coming up. “I managed to get along just fine without it.”

Pinkie and Fluttershy made out on the couch.

Spike was grateful he had a nearly bottomless allowance, because those chocolate-covered roses were expensive. Still, the three fillies had liked them, and they were all listening to him, hanging off his every word.

“Spike, you never told us, how’d your egg end up at Princess Celestia’s school?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Well, one of the school’s professors found my egg all alone. They have no clue where it came from.”

“You mean you could have been abandoned?” Apple Bloom said. “That’s so sad!” She hugged Spike.

“Well, we don’t know for sure,” Spike said. “There are a lot of questions about my past that I don’t know.”

“You mean you have a dark and mysterious past? Oh, that’s so cool!” Scootaloo said, hugging him too.

“Well, I’m not giving up hope that I’ll find out where I came from.”

“That’s so sweet,” Sweetie Belle said, hugging him too.

As he looked at the three fillies hanging off of him, and he thought, Books had to be written about dating. Why?

The group of four battled their way through the crowd, turning Glamorized ponies back to normal. However, there was no victory, as every Glamorized pony was immediately re-Glamorized by another member of the horde.

In the midst of the constant assault, Cadance’s hair twitched. She hardly noticed, she was busy fighting the zombies... er, Glamorized.

As they moved through the streets of Canterlot, the buried parasprite in her mane began to burrow out. Suddenly, it burst out, only instead of the one that Rarity had put in, it was now three. Three parasprites who happened to be near Canterlot’s Restaurant Row.

The statue in the Canterlot Gardens cracked, as dark energy built. Then, suddenly, the statue broke apart, and Discord rose again.

“Ah... oh man, finally. I had the worst crick in my back,” he moaned, popping his spin by bending back ninety degrees. Then he tapped his fingers together. “There must have been a lot of chaos around here to free me so soon. But Equestria hasn’t learned what chaos... truly...”

He really looked around.

Changeling were marching through the streets, carrying anti-Celestia banners. “We must remove Celestia from office for not preventing the invasion we committed!”

Discord looked elsewhere.

“Have you eyed my Shiny?” Chrysalis demanded.

“Well, he is hot,” Photo Finish stated.

The pony with the strange accent ended up encased in goo.

Shining Armor followed with a defeated look, visible even though the paper bag he wore on his head.

Discord looked elsewhere.

“So I said, ‘Lookin’ good Spike, lookin’ real good.’”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders sighed as they all gather around the dragon as he walked.

He looked elsewhere.

“Darling!”

The four ponies left trails of stunned ponies in their wake, striking the Glamorized.

Discord looked elsewhere.

Parasprites were eating up Restaurant Row, sending chefs running and screaming.

Discord looked around at all the chaos.

He looked to the ground, kicking a small stone that had been part of his prison.

Then he kind of just floated away.

Author's Note

Well, here's the new chapter, assuming any of you even remember what happened last chapter. I'm largely not happy with how this fic turned out, but I will finish it. I should be done by the 15th chapter.

Order

Finally, after what felt like months of fighting, the group managed to fight their way to where the Glamorized Rainbow had set up. Much to Twilight’s horror, it had been her own Tower, where she lived before she moved to Ponyville.

“My home... my limited edition, one of a kind books are in there!” With renewed vigor, she bust down the front door.

Inside were a bunch of perpetually smiling ponies, all of which were watching a burning pile of books. Hearing the door burst open, they all turned to the small group.

“Darling!”

Twilight’s eye twitched ever so slightly. “What. Is. This?”

“Silly Twilight!” Moondancer said. “Those books had conflict in them. We can’t allow any of that in our perfect...”

“So then I said, ‘That’s no gemstone...’”

Suddenly Spike’s joke was cut off by a large flash of white light that filled the city of Canterlot, temporarily stopping everyone. Even Chrysalis stopped cocooning everyone up for a few seconds to look at the pretty light.

“What was that?” Scootaloo asked as the light faded.

Spike gave an amused sound. “Looks like somepony destroyed a book again.”

“You know a spell that can harm organic matter only?” Rarity asked, a little concerned.

“Well, how else am I supposed to stop somepony from hurting a book without risking damaging the book itself?” Twilight asked. As the ponies lie withering on the ground and muttering “Golly,” Twilight set another spell off that reversed the damage on the books.

“Darling,” Rainbow Dash’s voice said as said pony floated down the stairs. “Your resistance is futile. Submit to the herd.”

“We will never submit!” Celestia declared, raising her weapon. However, an unseen magical force ripped it away.

Rainbow Dash shook her head. “Why fight us? We bring nothing but love to you. But if you’ll refuse, we’ll simply have to find a new princess.”

The glamorized pony turned slowly to look at Rarity. She tensed up, backing up.

“M-me? But... what about Luna?”

“She’s too obsessed with violent video games. Plus, being tainted by Nightmare Moon makes her unclean. You shall be our leader!”

Rainbow Dash started to move forward, only for Cadance to jump in front of her, weapon ready.

“No... I won’t allow you to take anypony else.”

“Darling, truly think about this. I’m creating a world entirely made of love. You’re the Princess of Love. You should be on our side.”

Cadance hesitated, but spoke again. “Forced love isn’t love.”

“We aren’t forcing anyone to do anything. We are simply opening their minds to a new way of thinking...”

“Don’t listen to... argh!” Celestia yelled as she was swarmed by glamorized ponies.

“Think about it... you could guarantee a lifetime of happiness for you and Twilight. Don’t run from this. Just let us truly open your mind.”

“Well...”

“Cadance, you can’t really be considering this, can you?” Twilight said, actually turning away from repairing the book to look at her former foalsitter.

“I don’t know, this sounds pretty good. No violence, no worries, it will just be us in paradise.”

“Cadance, don’t!”

“But just think about it, aren’t you sick of nearly getting killed every time a threat pops up? There’s been three in the past two years. What if something escapes from Tartarus? What if there’s another dimension full of threats? I don’t know about you, but during our first night of passion, I want to be sure...”

“Wait a moment,” Rainbow Dash said. “What do you mean, ‘night of passion’?”

Cadance looked worried. “You know... us.. In bed... having fun?”

“Oh, ew,” Rainbow Dash said. “There will be no place for icky sex in out utopia.”

“...What?”

“Yes, there are non-dirty ways to show love, and all babies will be born through magic mirrors. The only love you’ll be showing Twilight is through wholesome hugs and kisses. And the best part...”

Rainbow Dash was cut off when Cadance’s weapon hit her faster than she could react. Rainbow Dash went flying into the wall, her body changing almost instantly back to normal.

Immediately all the glamorized ponies began to spasm, their bodies transforming back to normal. All of the ponies all over Canterlot were freed from the effect, returning back to normal.

And that fact was seeping in as the now-normal Rainbow Dash rose to her hooves. “H-hey. I’m free! I’m back to...”

And then Cadance hit her with her weapon. Again. Again. Again. Again.

“Uh, Cadance?” Twilight said, “I think she’s back to normal.”

“Sex is at stake, Twilight, you can’t be too sure!” she continued to pound away at the limp body.

Meanwhile, Celestia removed herself from the mass of now-normal ponies that had been holding her down and walked over to the group.

Rarity looked around. “Well, I guess that’s that.”

“Yeah, except for the dozens of ponies we no doubt hospitalized in our quest to get here, not to mention the trauma that having your mind overwritten will no doubt have on everypony.”

“But that isn’t the Elements’ job?”

“No.”

“Then I’m fine. Now let’s stop Cadance before she causes any lasting damage.”

“So these here psychic types are just that overpowered?” Applejack said.

“I think they fix that in the second generation,” Luna said. “That’s my next goal after these games.”

Pinkie and Fluttershy and finally exhausted themselves and were asleep.

“Ya think maybe we oughta be outside?” Applejack asked. “You know, helpin’ everypony after the invasion?”

“I’m sure everything’s fine. The changelings are our allies now, what could happen?”

The small group had made it back to the castle, with paramedics taking Rainbow Dash to the ER. They stood in the throne room, all collecting themselves.

“Well, now that that’s over,” Cadance said, slipping her foreleg around Twilight, “we can get back to planning...”

“Cadance, please, I don’t want to marry you.” Twilight clinged to Celestia’s leg again.

“Love powers, remember? Just go with it.”

“But...”

“Enough,” Celestia said. She took a deep breath. “Look, we have a lot to get straightened out. First off, where’s Shining Armor and Chrysalis?”

As if to answer their question, the door to the throne room opened wide, and Shining Armor trotted through. His horn was glowing, and resting on its tip was a large ball of glowing energy.

Chrysalis was following, staring at the light like it was the most fascinating thing in the world.

“Light... pretty... light.”

Shining Armor flicked it off.

“Where light go?”

Shining Armor sighed. “Do I really have to marry her?”

“I’m afraid so, Captain,” Celestia said. “After we deal with some other crisis. Chrysalis, can you get the protesting Changelings under control?”

“Huh? Yeah, whatever, after the wedding they’ll calm down.”

“Okay, glamorized ponies dealt with, promises of Changelings dealt with, did anything else pop up?”

“Don’t ask me, I was busy trying to stop Chrysalis from cocooning up every mare in Canterlot. By the way, where’s Private Exposition? I have orders for him.”

On cue, said private entered. “Sir, I’m glad I found you. I have something to report.”

“If it’s all the cocoons around Canterlot, I’m aware. I need you to inform the brass that I ordered to send some clean-up crews to deal with them.”

“Sir, I’ll get right on it, sir, but that wasn’t what I was going to report. A few minutes ago, a parasprite infestation sprung up in the market.”

At that, Rarity tensed up. “What? How did that happen? I certainly had nothing to do with it, why is everyone staring at me, Igottagobye.” And she ran out.

Shining Armor paid Rarity no attention, instead speaking to Exposition. “Well, what’s being done about it?”

“That’s just it, sir, the situation’s already been dealt with.”

Shining Armor blinked. “Well... by who? I want to commend...”

“It was by Discord.”

Everyone’s eyes went wide, several sets of pupils pupils shrinking.

“Discord?” Celestia said, in fear. “He’s free? Where is he now?”

“In the Royal Record Room.”

“What’s he doing there?”

“He’s... he’s going over Equestria’s tax code. Says he can rearrange it to cut through a lot of the fat, reduce the taxes an average citizen has to pay while still making sure public services don’t suffer.”

“...What?” Celestia said.

“I don’t get it either, your highness,” Exposition said.

“Hold your ground, everypony, I’ll be right back.” With that, she raced off to the archives.

“Since Auntie is handling that, I think I’ll go back to planning the wedding,” Cadance said. “Chrysalis, are you coming?”

The Changeling Queen blinked. “Me?”

“It’s a joint wedding, remember?”

“Ah, yes, we best prepare.” The Queen followed Cadance out. “As soon as Discord is dealt with, we can get on with everything.”

As they walked out, Shining Armor and Twilight looked at each other. They then decided to quickly and quietly get the hell out of there.

It Gets Much, Much Worse

Twilight and Shining Armor managed to hop the first train out of Canterlot, disguised as common travelers. They were both hoping that Celestia wouldn’t notice them missing until it was too late.

“We’re committing treason here,” Twilight said.

“We’re committing treason against a kingdom that’s willing to tie us down to two crazy creatures. I think we’ll be vindicated in the history books.”

Twilight sighed, pushing her sunglasses up and trying to disappear into her trench coat. “Where can we go to?”

“I heard Zebrica is nice this time of year... we don’t have to hide for long, I’m sure once everything has calmed down, Celestia can get us out of this.”

Twilight didn’t look so sure, and tried her best to make herself as invisible as possible without actually casting a spell. Eventually, they found their way into an empty car and sat down. There was remarkably little travel going on, given that they were leaving a city in turmoil, so the car was vacant.

As they took their seats, Shining Armor poked his head out from under the huge hat he was hiding under. “I wouldn’t worry, there’s so much going on, I don’t think we’ll be missed until it’s too late.”

The car lurched and began to move.

“See? We’re already on the way. We’ll get off at Ponyville, go through Everfree, and we’re home free.”

“I hope you’re right,” Twilight said.

They sat in silence for a moment. Now that the horrifying events were in the background, the reality that this was the first time that they had talked since the traumatizing event in the reception hall.

“Twilight... I don’t think I ever gave you a proper apology,” Shining Armor said.

“You don’t need to apologize. You were brainwashed... weren’t you?”

“...You know, maybe I was,” he said quickly.

“I’m not entirely clear how the brainwashing works, maybe...”

“No, no, I was brainwashed,” he said quickly. “I’m still really sorry about everything, now let’s never discuss this again.”

“Yeah, I guess it’s not really much of a problem. I’ve forgiven worse... I think. I’m pretty sure I would...”

At that point, there was a sudden thud, and Twilight and Shining Armor were thrown off their seats. As she rubbed her head, a terrifying wave of realization dawned over Twilight. That lurch wasn’t because the car had stopped, it had been because it had been dropped.

The doors to the car came open, and a squad of Pegasus guards entered.

“Sorry, Captain Armor, we have orders not to let you leave.”

Celestia was surprised when she indeed found Discord slumped over a desk, looking over what appeared to be a big thick law book.

“...Discord?”

“Oh, hey Celestia,” the Spirit of Chaos said. He didn’t look up from the law book.

“...Why are you looking through Equestria’s old law books?”

“Thought I could cut out some of the unnecessary ones... things that have no relevance anymore... and some of these need to be updated...”

“Okay, let me rephrase that: why are you helping us? Why are you doing everything so... orderly?”

“Because there’s no need for me,” the Spirit said sadly. “I prided myself on causing chaos all over Equestria, and when I get back out I find out that the entire city of Canterlot drove itself into chaos entirely on its own. I mean, look at you: letting a terrorist free just because she promised to be nice, forcing a completely loyal, if incompetent, soldier to marry her for political gain, forcing your student to marry a sexual deviant for political gain, after completely traumatizing her... you’ve done more damage than I ever could.”

“...Gee, thanks, Discord,” Celestia said, her voice dripping with anger.

“You’re welcome. But what’s my motivation? If the entire kingdom can crumble without me, what’s the point?”

“Well, cheer up. I’m sure there’s a lot more chaos you could be spreading...”

Suddenly it occurred to Celestia what she was doing.

“Actually, probably not. Say, have you ever taken the time to have a chat with Fluttershy? I think she could help you find a new path in life.”

Discord scoffed, waving his taloned hand. “Please, and bore me with that friendship talk?”

“What do you have to lose at this point?”

Discord thought about that a while. “I suppose you’re right. So where is Fluttershy?”

“I think she’s in Luna’s room... come to think of it, I haven’t seen Luna since the wedding. She better not be blowing off her royal duties to play video games again.”

Discord blinked. “Video games?”

“Oh yes, you were a statue when they were invented. They are electronic games you play on a television.”

Discord tilted his head. “Television?”

Twilight whined, desperately trying to pull the cap on her horn off as the three chambermaids held her down and forced her into her wedding dress.

“You know, you’re not making this go any faster,” one of them said.

“Good,” she said. She continued to thrash and try to escape, but it was of little use. Without her magic, she was helpless.

“Come on, it’s not that bad. Cadance is a lovely mare.”

“But I’m not into mares!” Twilight said.

All three chambermaids stopped and looked at her. “What?”

“I’m into stallions. And only stallions.”

“...I don’t understand.”

“Nopony does!” Twilight yelled as she went back to thrashing. The three mares went back to trying to wrestle her into her wedding outfit.

“Come on now, it won’t be so bad,” one of the chambermaids assured her. “Think of all the doors that being married to a princess could open for you.”

“I’m already the personal apprentice to an immortal princess who loves me like a daughter, the savior of another royal princess, and the leader of the bearers of the most powerful artifacts ever seen in Equestrian history. What doors could this marriage possibly open for me?”

“Huh. Good point. Well, I guess you’re screwed.”

“This wasn’t an argument I wanted to win!” she wailed.

Shining Armor was pacing in his own room. There was no need to put a seal on his horn, his magic wasn’t nearly as powerful as his sister’s, and Chrysalis was as good as any watchdog.

“Why me? What did I do to deserve this? ...Oh yeah,” he said.

There was a knock on the door. “Shiny? Your Queen wants to talk to you!”

Shining Armor nearly jumped out of his skin. She made a move for his suite’s bathroom door. Before he could reach it, Chrysalis managed to force her way in. The door hit the wall with a loud bang as she entered.

Shining Armor froze in place, temporarily too scared to make a move. Chrysalis came forward. “I know we aren’t supposed to see each other before the wedding, but I couldn't stay away. How about we have a little fun?

“Chrysalis... really, I don’t...”

“Still lovesick over Cadance? Oh, don’t worry,” Chrysalis said as she lit up her horn. She was bathed in green flames, and when they subsided Cadance was standing in her place.

“Of course, she’s not the absolute epitome of beauty according to you ponies, is she? That’s still no problem.” With another wave of green flames, Princess Celestia was now present. “Or do you prefer the other princess?” And the flames came again, turning her into Princess Luna.

At this point, Shining Armor finally freaked out and ran into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

“Shiny? Come on, I can transform into literally anypony! I could be your literal dream girl!”

Shining cowered behind the doorway, shaking in fear. “When is she going to learn that I don’t want someone who can make my every sexual desire come true!”

...

“What am I doing?”

Shining Armor opened the door to a very pleased looking Chrysalis. “Uh... can I see the Cadance form again?”

Discord sighed. “This is boring!”

Luna looked at him. His controller was hanging in his… hands, for lack of a better descriptor. “Why? I thought you’d like that one. You get to beat up innocents, run them over, rob banks...”

“Yeah, but that’s all in pursuit of a goal! Who wants something like that! They call this random insanity, but it’s not random at all!”

“Hmm... maybe WarioWare would be good for you...”

Shining Armor walked out of the bedroom, feeling better than he had in a long time. His fiancee, Chrysalis, strolled right beside him, looking equally satisfied.

“You know, maybe this won’t be so bad,” Shining Armor said.

“I thought you might start to approve. Now that we’re on better terms, I think the next step is to meet my parents.”

Shining nearly stopped at that. It was hard to picture Chrysalis as even having parents. “Are they coming to the wedding?”

“Well, my mother is,” Chrysalis said. “My father isn’t around anymore.”

“Oh. That’s sad. How’d he die?”

“From the post-impregnation ritual.”

Shining Armor stopped dead in his tracks at that. “The what now!”

“Oh, it’s the most romantic part of the relationship! You see, after you impregnate me with a child, I bite your head off and eat it so the nutrients will make the baby strong! You give your life for your child, and you’ll make sure time doesn’t spoil our perfect love!”

“...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Author's Note

Well, here it is. Only one chapter left.

I had the punchline about Shining Armor realize the benefits of marrying a shape shifter, but I worried about degrading him into a "guys are perverts" punchline. Then I figured no one was really expecting anything serious out of this anyway, so here it is.

An Underwhelming Ending

The castle’s event hall had been decorated for this wedding just as beautifully as the first, which is what made it all the more obvious that this wasn’t the same happy occasion as a few days ago.

Celestia was standing in front from where she would be officiating the wedding. She was still sipping at her flask, muttering about how it would all be over soon.

Shining Armor stood in front, dressed in his best tuxedo, and shivering like he was facing the headspony’s axe, a simile that did not come to his mind out of nowhere. Cadance, who had decided to take the groom’s place in this ceremony, was standing by his side, looking absolutely giddy.

The doors opened, and the brides walked in.

Okay, only one bride walked in, Chrysalis. Twilight was dragged into the room kicking and screaming by three guards. Even with a seal on her horn, she was putting up quite the fight. Still, the guards eventually dumped her in front of the wedding party, next to her future wife.

“This is the part where I get rescued, right?” she said hopefully. “I get my happy ending?” She looked at her bridesmaids. Rainbow Dash was being propped up by Applejack and Rarity, as she was still severely concussed. Pinkie and Fluttershy were making out.

She looked into the crowd. Her mother was holding up a sign that said, “You better know a spell that can get two mares to give me grandfoals.”

Her father held up a sign saying “BTW really great you’re okay. Sorry we haven’t been there until now.”

Suddenly the doors to the event hall burst opened. Trixie Lulamoon was on other side, looking determined.

“Stop the wedding!”

“Trixie! Are you here to rescue me?!” Twilight said, feeling hope rise in her heart.

“Of course! Because I love you! You’re mine!”

“...Still less awkward than being molested by my old babysitter,” Twilight said. “I’ll take it!“

“Wait a moment,” Cadance said, looking at Trixie, her eyes covering every inch of her body. “You know, I’m willing to go polygamy, and you’re pretty hot...”

Twilight sobbed even harder as Trixie and Cadance stood to either side of her. This was the ultimate nightmare. She had to get out of here. She silently prayed to Luna to let her wake up.

And then, at that moment, the most amazing thing happened.

At that moment, a rift in the space-time continuum opened, and a strange creature emerged from it. It looked a lot like Twilight, except that it looked kind of like a hairless monkey. Whatever it was, it was wearing a revealing suit and a mask over its eyes.

“Finally,” she (it sounded like a girl) said. “I made it to this world of magic! I’ve done it! Now I can get it all!”

“What the?”

“No way!”

“This wasn’t supposed to happen until later in canon!” Pinkie said.

Twilight felt her mind snap in two. “What... what’s going on? What is all this?”

“Corn dog, corn dog, yummy yummy yummy!” Shining Armor said, as he and Cadance juggled said items in between them.

“H-huh?”

“I’m just as confused as you are, Kevin,” Zecora said in a deep, masculine voice as she sat at a tea table with the strange girl, Trixie, and Chrysalis, all of whom were casually sipping coffee.

“What?” Twilight said.

“Eh, it’s all so unfulfilling,” Discord said. He was dressed in a nice suit. “It will all end before too long.”

“What?”

“Check it out, Twilight!” Spike said, suddenly flying up to her. “I have wings now,” he said showing off the two leathery wings on his back. “And so do all of my girlfriends.” Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and Babs Seed flew up next to him. All three had horns and wings now.

“What?”

“And so do you!”

“Huh?” She looked at her back. There were two feathery wings there.

“What?”

“Twilight!” A strapping Pegasus in a yellow coat appeared before him. “I have been searching for you, my beautiful princess. I am Flash Sentry, a brave knight,” he got down on one knee. “I’ve come to take you away from all this! Will you marry me?”

Twilight blushed. A strapping stallion like this was in love with her? It was almost too good to be true.

Wait...

“I'm dreaming aren't I?” she asked.

“That would explain all the weird stuff going on,” Flash said.

“Oh no, stuff like that happens to me all the time. But a stallion that’s actually interested in me? I have to be dreaming. There's no other explanation.”

“Wow. You have some serious self-esteem issues.”

Twilight slowly returned to consciousness, the first thing she heard was a steady beeping in the heart monitor. She opened her eyes to a blurry world. As she tried to move her forelegs, she realized that she had an IV needle sticking out of each of them.

“I think she's waking up,” she heard a voice say. Almost immediately there was the noise of movement, and her vision of the room was obscured by several blurry figures gathering around her bed. As her vision came into focus she realized it was all her friends. The other bearers of the Elements of Harmony, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, her family, her parents and brother, and Princess Cadence.

“Twilight, we’re so, so, so sorry,” Rainbow Dash was the first to speak. As her vision came into focus, she realized she'd been crying, her eyes were red and bloodshot.

Celestia bent down and nuzzled her. “It's over, Twilight. The Changelings are gone. It took us a while to find you afterward, but we succeeded.”

Memories started coming back into focus for Twilight. Not being believed at the reception, the Queen of the Changelings trapping her underground with Cadence, the real Cadence. And the three long days afterwards, with no water, or food. Slowly giving up hope that her friends would come looking for her. And finally blacking out in Cadence’s forelegs.

Twilight opened her mouth to try to speak, but her swollen tongue and sore throat made it near impossible to say anything coherently.

“Save your strength,” Celestia said. “You've been through quite the horrible ordeal. I promise I will answer all your questions when you've recovered a bit. Thankfully, there do not seem to be any casualties from the invasion, and I'm certain that any collateral damage can be reversed within a week.”

“Yeah,” Applejack said. “That means we can get right back on with the wedding before too long.”

Twilight blinked. The wedding? They were still that concerned for the wedding?

“That's right, Darling!” Rarity said, holding up the same wedding dress she had been wearing in her dream. “You and Cadence will be married by this time next week!”

Twilight bolted upright. “What?” she said. She turned to Cadence, it was now in her wedding dress, smiling at her seductively.

“Hey beautiful!”

“... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Twilight bolted upright. She looked around. She was back in her library, safe and sound.

She let out a sigh and flopped back down on the bed. “Oh, thank Celestia,” she said. “It was all just a horrible dream.”

Cadance’s foreleg draped across her. “What was it about, beautiful?”

“... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Twilight bolted upright screaming. After a few deep breaths, she collected herself. What had that been?

Before her eyes could adjust to the dark, she heard a tapping on the door. “Twilight? Everything okay?”

“I... I had a weird dream,” Twilight said. She reached for the bedside and grabbed her glasses, putting them on.

Cadance entered the room, looking at her charge with concern. “A nightmare?”

“I... don’t know what to call it,” she said. She felt movement as Spike jumped onto the bed. He nuzzled against her. Twilight returned the affection by scratching behind his ears.

Cadance sat down on the bed and placed an arm around her. “Is it about...” she trailed off, not sure if she should bring it up.

“No, nothing about that,” Twilight said. “I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“I was just about to go to bed. And your brother? He could sleep through an earthquake.”

Twilight was silent at this. Cadance sat with her, as she had done several times when she was only Twilight’s babysitter. But now, she had to be a parent.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Cadance finally asked.

“No... I think I’m fine,” she said. “It’s just... I think I better not watch cartoons just before bed.”

Author's Note

Well, it finally ends.

I kind of regretted starting this thing, as I quickly found random humor just wasn't me, but I stuck it out and tried to pull a finished product, and I think that I pulled something pretty amusing out of it.

I guess you could consider this canon to Integration, if you want, but don't really worry about it.