Elementary Courting for Men

by Fusionist

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Rarity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance
Length: 4802

Spike will read a book hoping to learn how to behave on a date he wants to have with Rarity

Spike has decided to ask Rarity to go out with him, but he doesn’t know how to behave on a date. The solution? Read Elementary Courting for Men, a book that will teach everything about proper date behavior.

But that doesn’t mean that everything he learned will work according to his plan…

My first MLP fic, hope you all like.
Fic wrote Based on Rowan Atkinson’s (Mr. Bean) play: Elementary Dating.

If you have already watched the play you’ll know what’s going to happen, but, of course, it will have a different development and ending if you have never watched it. I recommend that you do not watch it so the plot stays “a mystery”.

Published 2012-11-14 11:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-20 23:46:18 UTC

The Book

AN: Chapter edited.

- The Book -

“Twilight, where are you?” Spike called through a mountain of books.

The library was in a complete mess. There were books spread all over the floor, all waiting to be cleaned and re-shelved in their specific subject, volume, color and size, shelf.

“I’m right here Spike.” Twilight said, hovering a hoof among some piles of books.

Spike never enjoyed Cleaning and Re-shelving day. It wasn’t that he didn’t like to help Twilight, it was just that there was too much dust and too many books. And doing this activity almost every week was very tiring.

“Twilight, I, hum… I need your help to find a book.”

“You want a book? Why ask, Spike? You know you can get any book you want.”

“I know, but… this book is different.”

“Alright, say the name and I’ll get it for you.”

“Hum, the name is… it’s called ‘Elementary Courting for Men’.” the dragon said, a little embarrassed

Twilight glanced over a pile of books straight at Spike.

“Why do you want that book Spike?”

Spike didn’t say anything at first as his eyes wandered all over the library. He opened his mouth to give an answer, but closed it immediately, still trying to articulate a proper response. Twilight noticed Spike’s uncomfortable reaction to her question and without wasting time, she apologized.

“I am sorry, Spike, I shouldn’t have asked you that. Wait a second, and I’ll get your book.”

Twilight closed her eyes and brought a hoof to her forehead. She repeated the name of the book a few times while making circular movements with her hoof on her forehead.

“Got it, it’s right there!”

With a glowing horn, Twilight looked at a distant shelf, and from it, came a floating book covered in purple magic that landed in the dragon’s claws. The book was quite different from the others in the library. It was actually a pocket book, fitting snugly in Spike’s claws. It’s cover read “Elementary Courting for Men” revealing nothing else. The content of the book didn’t exceed over fifty pages; it was an extremely easy-to-read book.

“There you go Spike, make good use of it.” Twilight said with a small smile before turning her back on Spike to return to her cleaning.

“I… I’m going to ask Rarity out.” Spike said suddenly.

Twilight turned to face Spike.

“I know you said that you were sorry for asking me, but I needed to tell you. I can’t hide things from you, it doesn’t feel right.”

Spike was quickly involved with a purple aura, and floated towards his friend who heartily hugged him.

“Thanks for sharing that with me, Spike, and good luck! But now I need to return to my tasks.” Twilight said, levitating Spike once again and placing him where he first was.

“I’ll leave the book on my bed and come back to help.” the little dragon said, rushing upstairs.

The relationship between Spike and Rarity fell onto a mysterious pathway after Spike’s rampage through Ponyville. He remembered that as soon as he returned to his normal size, he attempted to tell her how he really felt all that time, but Rarity silenced him before he could finish. Her teary, azure eyes glistened in the sunlight, but he never understood what they meant. Were they tears of joy, or hurtful tears of pity?

After that, they had never spoken about it since. Spike avoided long conversations with Rarity, fearing that she would bring up that subject, and they would end up discussing what he was about to say, or even worse. What he feared above all things feared that she never had feelings for him, and only felt pity for his naive endeavors.

After leaving the book on his bed, Spike ran downstairs and begun arranging the books that Twilight had already cleaned.

“Alright, Spike, they’re all lined up in the manner they must be placed on the shelves. Go grab your ladder and let’s get to work.”

Spike smiled that he didn’t need to clean and organize the books, he just needed to put them on the shelves. Piece of cake.

With Spike’s help, Cleaning and Re-shelving Day came to an end sooner than Twilight expected with plenty of time left to waste. They spent the rest of the day outside, enjoying the sunny day. Most of the time they had spent was walking around Ponyville, and at the fall of the day, they returned to the library for dinner.

“… So you plan on reading the book and collect information on how to act on the first date when you ask Rarity out?”

“Yeah, that’s the idea.”

“Why do you need the book for such a thing? You don’t trust your own style?”

“I do trust myself, but I want it to be perfect. I know that what really counts is what's on the inside but since it’s Rarity I’m talking about; I know she likes this fancy stuff.”

“You have a point… So do you think she’ll agree to go out with you?”

“I really don’t know. I feel like I’m at a dead end; I can’t tell if she feels something, or even anything, for me. When we are together, I feel like she treats me differently than she did before, but it’s just the simple things that she does; she says something or do something, and right after, that she turns her back on me like nothing has happened. She doesn’t continue with what she said or did anymore.” Spike said, resting his face on one hand and eating his food with the other.

“You know that Rarity has her own way to deal with things. She goes all crazy all of a sudden, but then she returns to her normal classy type.”

“I know, and that’s what stops me. I… I’m scared I’ll ruin everything between us!”

“You won’t know that until you try.”

“Yeah, but what if she rejects me? She’ll think “Oh look, there’s the little pervert dragon” every time she looks at me. I won’t be able to look again on her eyes and feel like I am a friend of her”

“I’m sorry to tell you this, Spike, but you will only know what happens if you try, and by that, you need to be sure of the consequences, good or bad. Do you really want to do this?”

Spike took some time to think as he thought of every possibility, every move he could make and its consequences.

“Yes… yes I want to do this! I want to get free of this heavy weight of not having the courage to tell her what I feel ever since I met her. It doesn’t matter how she responds; what I feel for her will never change, and I’ll keep trying until I have her love!”

Twilight hadn’t smiled as she did in a while. The little dragon’s enthusiasm was something contagious, and Spike’s pose like a knight with his fist in the air helped her laugh.

“And when exactly do you plan to ask her out?”

“I’ll go read the book right after I finish my dinner. The sooner I learn how to behave on a first date, the sooner I’ll be ready.”

Spike devoured the rest of his meal and ran upstairs, it was only a matter of time until he was ready to face his love.

Elementary Courting for Men

Elementary Courting for Men

Spike ran as fast as his short legs allowed him to. After devouring his meal, the little dragon lay down on his bed with a book in claws.

He excitedly opened the first page and began the reading.

Welcome, readers from all over! Elementary Courting for Men is a book designed for you, pony, gryphon, minotaur, bull, elephant, gazelle, manticore, or whatever species you are! What you have in your hooves, claws, tentacles and so on, is the condensed version of “I’m Too Shy To Ask Her Out”; a forty-seven page book, re-written informally to be easier to read, and understand! This is a book that will guide you, shy, innocent, not-that-cool and/or unsociable, men, to court your beloved. (Please have in mind that this book is aimed at relationships between a male and a female. If what you seek is a relationship between two species of the same gender, please consider reading “General Courting”. If you are a female, please stop reading this right now, and consider reading “Elementary Courting for Women” or “One Thousand Ways To Cook A Delicious Meal For Your New Partner Who Just Read An Amazing Book To Ask You Out”).

Okay! Let’s get down on business! Let me explain to you how this works:

This book is divided in chapters; each chapter contains a title related to its subject. For example, the chapter titled “Talking with Her” means that this chapter is entirely aimed on establishing and holding a good conversation with your partner. Tips and clues will be presented to you, as well, to help you succeed in this task.

Ready? Okay, here we go.

Chapter 1: Asking Your Beloved Out

This is by far the hardest thing for you to do.

I know that you don’t have the guts to do it, because you are reading me right now, but don’t worry, and don’t get angry of what I just said (remember that books can’t feel pain). I’m here to help you!

First of all: Know your beloved’s schedule.

Know what your beloved does with her time; this will give you a higher chance of success. You will have to be certain that, during the night you called to set the date, she won’t be working. You may be thinking now: “Why should I do this.” Have in mind that this subject can be the first step of your conversation with her. You can start with: “You’ve been (work/activity) a lot lately, haven’t you?” Regardless of how busy she is, both of her answers give you the opportunity to slowly drag the conversation to your side:

If she is busy; start talking about how good she is at her job/activity. Later, change the subject of the conversation to how nice it would be to have a day off from her job/activity. Now she is going through her schedule and thinking that a day off would be something really good.

If she is not busy; start talking about how good she is at her job/activity. Later, change the subject of the conversation to how she usually spends her free time. She will focus on ways of spending her free time.

If you feel afraid to ask her about her schedule, thinking that she will catch on, you can always:

1 - Talk with one of her relatives;

2 - Ask a friend to ask her for you;

3 - (I hereby declare that I’m not responsible for what this statement may cause) Peek through her belongings and look out for clues.

Second: Have a place in mind.

The worst thing that can happen if she were to says “Yes, I would like to go out with you,” is her asking you, “Where are we going?” and you haven’t even thought about where to take her. This shows that you weren’t prepared for the “Yes”, and that you don’t know of a good place to go. You can prevent this by:

1 - Taking the lead of the conversation. Suggest the place before she has the chance to do it;

2 - Having at least three places in mind (ask her if she likes the first place, if not, change by the second, if needed, change again by the third).

Normally, following these statements, you won’t need to change the place. She will be happy with your invitation, and she will, not 100% guaranteed, agree with your first choice. But don’t be caught off guard, have other places in mind.

Third: Prepare your tone.

You will be nervous, which is perfectly natural, but try to be as clear as you can. Some stuttering is expected and your voice may go a little scratchy, but keep cool, and everything will work out well.

Fourth: Talk to her!

Now that you have the place, and you know her agenda, let’s ask her out!

You are now talking with her (remember my first tip). Go really easy now, continue your talk and as slowly as a snail, begin to give hints about your purpose with her. Remember that you have all the time you want. You can either prolong your talk with her, or be short and straight to the point.

Take a deep breath. Like I said in the third tip, relax and don’t let your verbal dysfunction take control.

If you still have problems, imagine her in her undies (Just kidding, that only works with huge crowds. Ignore this statement).

DON’T WORRY. “Will you go out with me?” will get out of our mouth at anytime, just don’t give up!

*Side note*

This book is not designed for the unfortunate people that will get a “no” as an answer. So don’t look up for beautiful words of consolation. Instead, stop reading me and go cry in a corner.

Fifth and most important: Your reaction.

Don’t overreact at her answer, don’t cheer in front of her (keep this until you find yourself alone), don’t say things like “Yeah” or any other forms of verbal commemoration, and don’t hurry yourself. Stay cool, give a chuckle, and say: “Is (insert time here) good for you?”. Wait for her response (if you need to change the time, ask her what would be a good time), and say: “Okay then, may I come by and pick you up?” (Show her that you are really looking forward the date. If she says ‘no’, don’t worry, just say “Okay, see you there then”. If she says ‘yes’, hope the weather helps you). There you go, you just asked her out!

There There is no room for mistakes in this part.

After you find yourself alone at your house, you are allowed to cheer, scream, cry, or whatever form of commemoration you want to express. Now that you have invited her, halfway of the process has been completed.

Now let’s prepare you for what’s coming up next!

Spike read the entire book in an hour. He kept repeating in his mind, the most important of information. The book touched upon many subjects such as how to talk with a girl, how to deal with her parents, how to behave during dinner, and many other useful advices.

Twilight appeared in the door frame and called for Spike.

“Can I interrupt, Spike? I need your help with my lists.”

“Sure. In fact, I just finished reading.”

“Did you enjoy the book?”

Spike got up from his bed and accompanied Twilight.

“Sure! It’s a great book! Some of It was obvious, but other parts made me say ‘I never thought about this before’.”

“Was it funny? I heard you laughing.”

“Yeah, the author sometimes made a couple of jokes.”

“So hum… do you think you’re ready to go see Rarity?”

“I think so. Tomorrow, I’ll go to her boutique and I'll try out the book’s advice.”

Twilight didn’t say anything; she agreed with a simple nod.

Spike spent the rest of the night helping Twilight. It was end of the month and there were lists and parchments to be organized. After an hour of work, Twilight and Spike finished all tasks.

“We should get some sleep now Spike, especially you.” Twilight said, heading for the bedroom.

Spike yawned. He made his way to his bed, crawled under the sheet, and laid down facing the ceiling.

“Good night Twilight”

“Good night Spike”

Spike wasn't feeling sleepy; night work always stole his sleep. He stayed awake for awhile, thinking about tomorrow.

“Celestia, please let her say yes! What if I ruin everything? What if she says no? Oh… I need to think about places to go! It has to be somewhere awesome; some nice music would go pretty well. The food must be marvelous; I wonder how she'll react.”

Spike’s thoughts slowly trailed off, and the dragon went to sleep.

* * *

Next morning carried on like any other day; a lot of chores had to be done. Books to cleaning, letters to be organized, to-do lists to be done, quills and ink to count and organize, a lot of work to keep Spike busy until lunch.

“I think I’ll go after lunch.” Spike said.

“Isn’t that a bit early?” Twilight’s voice came from the kitchen.

“No, the book said that I need to know my… Rarity’s schedule.”

“Why do you need to know Rarity’s schedule?”

“To know when she’ll have some free time; with this information, I’ll be able to ask her out, and have a good chance of her accepting. Plus, it will begin our conversation.”

Spike went to the kitchen with a tablecloth in claw the smell of tomato sauce in the air. On the table were three frying pans, the first one was covered, but steam could be seen coming from the inside. The second one appeared to have potato salad in it. The last one that contained last night's leftovers was sure to be Spike's.

“You remembered to cook the food this time, right?” Spike said as he removed the first frying pan cover, revealing a fish stew.

“I didn’t notice that the fire had been extinguished, that wasn’t my fault! Besides, this new cooking book is helping me.”

The last thing to be placed on the table was a carton of orange juice. Lunch time was always the priority of the day, regardless of how the day began. It was a time to relax and enjoy each other’s companionship. Spike appreciated every second of lunch, but couldn’t help but keep keep his thoughts off a certain pony. Lunch passed by quickly and soon, Spike was already outside, waving goodbye.

“Wish me luck!”

“You can do it Spike. I believe in you!”

Carousel Boutique could be seen in the far center of Ponyville. It wasn’t a long walk, especially if you had a good reason to go all the way there. Spike wasn’t running; he didn’t want to sweat. But he wasn’t walking, either. He wanted to get there as fast as he could. His jogging pace left him in front of the boutique in ten minutes. Standing in front of the wooden door, Spike held his claw into a fist, inches away from the wood.

“This is it, Spike. Stay calm. Remember what the book said.”

With four light knocks on the door, Spike stood still, waiting for an answer.

“Maybe she’s not home. Maybe I should-”

Spike’s thoughts were cut off by a response that came from inside the boutique.

“Just a moment, please!”

“Okay… she’s in… Don’t be nervous! Don’t be nervous!”

This ‘moment’ was taking too long to pass. Spike’s attention was caught by a bird singing on a tree. Upon admiring the bird, the sky was the next thing to draw the dragon’s attention; the sun was shining in the sky, and there were no clouds in sight. A little noise from the door made Spike immediately return his attention to the pony standing in front of him.

“Welcome to the Carousel Boutique! How can I, Rarity, help you?”

For just a second, Rarity thought it was a prank, as she didn’t see anypony at her door, but something green below her eyesight caught her attention.

“Oh, Spike, how come I didn’t see you there!”

“H-hi Rarity.”

“Please come inside.” Rarity said moving away from the door, leaving space for the dragon to come in.

Spike walked inside the boutique. He didn't manage to hold a shiver as the door behind him closed.

“I-I was passing by and… I wanted to come by and say hello.”

“What a great surprise! I have been working endlessly on this new project of mine; it’s been consuming my entire attention, and beauty, not to mention. It is a pleasure to have someone to talk to.”

The boutique displayed its organized mess. There were ribbons spread over a table, a group of mannequins in a corner, rolls of fabric inside boxes, few gems around the floor, and sketch table, full of drawings. Where Rarity was stood two mannequins, wearing long beautiful dresses, one in a dominant regal blue, and the other in a deep passionate red.

“Are those the dresses you’ve been working on? They are beautiful!”

“Of course they are beautiful! I designed them!” Rarity said adjusting her mane.

“The dresses seem to be finished… maybe she’s not doing anything tonight…”

“So Rarity… are you getting a lot of requests lately?”

“Oh, Spike, I sure am! Never was I so busy since the past two weeks. I still have to work on a tuxedo due tomorrow morning.”

Spike’s downcast expression passed unnoticed by Rarity.

“Great… now I need to find out when she’ll have some free time. I can’t ask for someone to ask for me, I saw Sweetie Belle downtown… and there’s no other pony around here. I… I’ll need to… ask myself…” Spike gulped.

“Come on, just say it naturally; she’ll think that I am trying to help.”

“Su, uh, Rarity… Do you… have any other requests?”

“Hmm… I most certainly do. Would you be so kind as to grab my agenda for me? It’s on my sketch table.”

“That was easy…”

Spike searched for the agenda among a mess of drawings; they were mostly drawings of hats and dresses. The agenda was under everything. It was a blue covered book with a little red ribbon to mark its pages.

“Here it is!”

“Thank you, Spikey.” Rarity used her magic to open the book.

“Let me see. I have one, two, three dress requests and… one hat; all to be done and delivered next week.”

From the open book, a loosened piece of paper fell and floated to the floor.

“What is this?” Rarity said, “’Cancel tuxedo order, client found his old one’. Well, luck for him that I didn’t start on his order, otherwise, he would have to pay for the fabric!”

A small smile sprang across Spike’s face.

“Oh… I’m sure that you would have made a beautiful tuxedo.”

“Maybe I would have. tuxedos have a standard manufacturing process, Spike, they don't allow many design variations. That's why I simply love designing dresses, they admit all the concepts that I want, every single dress is unique!”

“Hey, since this client doesn’t want a tuxedo, you don’t have to work for the rest of the day!”

“You are right! Oh, I can work on all the other requests!”

“No, you can’t!”

“But Rarity, wouldn’t it be so nice to have a day off?”

“I don’t know, Spike. I must not even think about delaying any of my orders.”

“You won’t delay your orders, you’re Rarity! I’m sure you can create the most amazing dresses and hats in a blink of an eye! Besides, you have a whole week to do it.”

“I… guess you’re right… yes, you are right! I can do all three dresses and the hat in one day if I wanted to. Today, I shall have some free time!”

“Yes! YES!”

“That’s great Rarity! What… do you plan on doing?”

Rarity didn’t respond immediately. Her eyes made a quick search through the boutique.

“Huh, I don’t know. Sweetie Belle is out with her friends again, the spa must be crowded at this time, and if I wanted to go out with my friends, I should have called them before. They must be busy now. Maybe… I’ll just have some time for myself.”

“That is perfect! A little sad, but PERFECT! It’s got to be tonight. I need to do it!”

“Rarity, I um… I was… I was wondering…”

‘Some stuttering is expected’ Spike’s memory reminded him.

“Yes, Spike?” Rarity had her full attention on the dragon.

“I was wondering… if-if you…”

‘Don’t let your verbal dysfunction take control over you’

“I was wondering if you and… if you and…”

“Is there something wrong, Spike?” Rarity expressed a puzzled look.

“Come on Spike! You were doing great… don’t screw up now… what did the book say about this situation?” Like a flash of lighting, the answer came.

‘Imagine her in her undies’

Spike’s gaze quickly moved from two pair of eyes to the base of a neck. Moving to the side, he toured his eyes through a furry back, meeting three little blue diamonds at the end. After spending some seconds there, his gaze moved upright to the base of a tail…

“OH MY GOSH SHE’S NOT WEARING ANYTHING!”

“Beg your pardon?”

“I-I-I-I-I-I-” Spike stuttered.

“OHMYGOSH-OHMYGOSH-OHMY… wait a minute… ponies don’t wear undies…”

There was a heavy silence in the boutique, leaving together a confused mare and a dragon whose original color turned to bright red.

“Spike? Spike? Are you okay?” Rarity swung her hoof back and forth in front of Spike’s face.

“I hum, hahahaha… I…”

“Great! JUST GREAT! You managed to screw everything up!”

“I-I… -sigh-… you know, never mind.”

Spike turned his back to Rarity and slowly began to walk.

“Spike, wait! What just happened?”

“Nothing… really, I shouldn’t be interrupting you. I’ll just leave.”

“You are not leaving my boutique until you tell me what just happened.” Rarity said with a glowing horn.

Spike heard a metal clicking sound coming from the entrance door.

“I came here to ask… to say something to you but…”

“But what? You know you can say anything to me, darling! What is bothering you?”

“Those eyes…” Spike thought, “Joy or pity?”

“Since… since the first day I met you, since the first moment I laid my eyes on you, my world closed for everypony, everypony except you. Your eyes, your mane, your voice, the way you walk! A day without seeing you is like… a day without happiness. I always had this special feeling for you, but I never had the courage to express myself. I’ve always… liked you! I always thought that you were the most amazing, elegant, and beautiful pony! And… and the real reason that I came here was… to ask you… do you… do you want go out with me?”

Spike closed his eyes and stood still, hoping for the best. There was no immediate response, just a deep silence; although, he felt a sudden approximation.

“That… was… the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.”

Rarity pulled Spike in a tight hug, embracing the dragon the closest she could. She held her hold, not daring to move.

“Uh… so do you-”

“I’d simply love to.”

Rarity let go of Spike, her cheeks turning crimson red.

“Don’t overreact at her answer.”

“Since you don’t need to work today… can we hum… can it be today?

“But of course it can! Do you have someplace in special?

“I sure have. How about Heaven’s Acres?”

“Sounds delightful.”

“Is eight a good time for you?”

“Most certainly. I’ll be ready and waiting for you there.”

“Um, I was wondering if I could come by and escort you?”

“Oh, Spikey, that would be so sweet of you.”

Rarity leaned over and granted Spike a quick peck on his cheek. Spike was sure that Rarity could see little hearts floating from his head. He held his cheek and gave a long sigh, staring at nothing in particular with narrow eyes.

“We still have dinner today, darling.” Rarity gave a chuckle and adjusted her mane.

Spike shook his head, and returned his attention to the pony in front of him.

“Yes, we have… I’ll go now… and I’ll come by later.” Spike said softly, still absent minded.

Rarity giggled as she accompanied the dragon to the door. Spike walked out of the boutique and turned around. He glanced at the pony by the door and smiled. She smiled back as she closed the door. The way back to the library was blissful to the dragon. He was sure that the sun was smiling, the clouds were dancing, and everypony around him was singing. After the choreography ended in Spike’s mind, he found himself inside the library with nopony around.

“I HAVE A DATE! I DID IT, I HAVE A DATE WITH RARITY!”

From upstairs, Twilight was startled from the sudden scream. She didn’t notice Spike had already returned, but by his screams and cheers, she guessed he was successful.

“Now he’s not going to talk about anything else but his date… Celestia give me strength to keep up with my work, with no interruptions.”

“Twilight? Where are you, Twilight? I have a date!”

“Oh here we go…”