The Conversion Bureau: PER Equitum

by Chatoyance

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 2662

An audio transcript of the P.E.R. attack on Worldcorp Distribution Office 83745, Northamerizone

The audio transcript of the P.E.R. attack on Worldcorp Distribution Office 83745, Northamerizone, where victim Arnie Neuvo is heard describing the terrorist ponification attack by the rogue group "Ponification for the Earth’s Rebirth".

This is a comedy piece taking a lighter look at the Conversion Bureau Universe, and the PER.

♥ As Featured On Equestria Daily!

Published 2012-01-07 06:01:59 UTC
Last updated 2012-01-07 06:01:59 UTC

PER Equitum

The
CONVERSION
►Bureau

Equestria is an emerging pocket sub-cosmos located off the western coast of the Americas, its magical energies fatal to humans, human nature fatal to both Equestria and the earth as a whole, and the only solution being the total ponification, by any means, of the entire human species.

PER
Equitum

By Chatoyance

► Worldcorp Investigations Case File Audio Transcript
► Subject: Arnie Neuvo, Worldcorp Distribution Office 83745, Northamerizone
► P.E.R. attack on Worldcorp Distribution Office 83745
► Transcript Begins at 14:01:11

Licking my hooves. That’s how they found me. Yeah, I know, it sounds silly, and it was I suppose, but I didn’t know what else to do at the time. No hands, see? I kind of reverted to a sort of child state; children explore their world with their mouths as naturally as they do their hands. Human children, anyway. I’m still getting used to this. Sorry.

Why? I... couldn’t believe what had just happened. I was trying to prove to myself it was real, that my hands were gone, my arms were not arms; all I had was my mouth and tongue. It was as close to ‘grabbing’ my own hooves as I could manage at the time. Yeah, I agree, enough of that.

Basically, we were hit by the P.E.R. Yes, I’m sure it was them. They actually announced themselves. Yeah, it was like “Don’t be afraid! We are Ponification for the Earth’s Rebirth, and we are here to save you from yourselves! Join us in a happier world!” or something like that. It wasn’t a long speech, but it was clear who they were.

No. We didn’t have time - I think Jon managed to just stand up and turn around before the eggs were tossed. Last thing I saw was him standing there, with his hands up, like he was trying to defend himself. Then he started changing. And screaming. There was a lot of screaming.

Well, yes it hurt! It hurt really bad! The doc that checked us said they must have put some kind of stuff in it to lessen the pain, but it didn’t knock us out or anything. It still hurt like... like... something really bad and a bunch of bad words I can’t seem to remember right now. I don’t know what’s up with that. I can’t remember how to swear right now. Wow, that’s strange.

Yeah, I said ‘eggs’. They looked like eggs. Glass eggs filled with that ponification goop. I don’t know if it was actually glass, it might have been plastic. They broke really good though. No, I didn’t see how most of 'em threw them; maybe they had a machine, or maybe they just all did it with their mouths. I’m not the one to ask about that; I still don’t know how to walk on these things yet.

No, I understand. Yeah, we’ve all been assured we’ll get help to adjust, that everything will be taken care of. No, I don’t feel frightened. I’m not even upset, to tell you the truth. I should be. I think I should be all angry and scared and stuff, but I don’t feel that way. I feel pretty good, actually. Yeah, it is weird. I guess it’s part of whatever this change thing is.

Yeah, I’d say I’m OK with it. It’s kind of strange; I shouldn’t be, but I’m fine with being a pony, now, anyway. I kind of wonder why I resisted as long as I did. I haven’t felt this good in... well in years. No, I just feel kind of... happy I guess. Content. I feel safe, I know we’ll all be taken care of, and everypony had been really nice to us.

Did I? Really? Everypony. I guess I did say that. Weird! But it really seems to fit. No, no other phrases or words that I know of. Hey, I’ve only been a pony for like, what - Jon! Jonathan? How long have we been ponies? ‘Bout half an hour? Yeah, thanks. Really? Hey, thank you, yeah, I think your mane looks pretty cool too. Yeah, check out my tail! Yeah, really! What?

Oh, sorry. Jon’s my friend here at work. We’re kind of best friends, really... huh. Whoa. I guess we are. What? Oh, it’s just that I never called him a ‘friend’ before, much less a best friend. He was just the only guy in the office that I ever bothered to talk with. But... I guess I do think of him as a friend. At least now.

Hey! Jon? Are we... we’re friends, aren’t we? Yeah! I feel the same way! Yes, I like you! That’s great! Hey, listen, I’m really sorry I never told you that before. Yeah, I’m glad to be your best friend too. Absolutely! Let’s stick together through this!

Well, horsefeathers. I... I guess I have a friend now. A best friend. Just like that. What? I guess it is kind of fascinating. It’s definitely different from how things were before all of this. It’s kind of like when I was a child, really. Things were so simple then. I’d just walk up and say ‘Hey, want to be friends?’ and that was that. I guess it’s like that again. Cool!

Whoa! Jon’s trying to get over here! Alright, Jon, that’s great! Oh... watch out... oh dear... just crawl then. They said they’d help us later. Yeah, just crawl for now. There ya go! Ha ha! Hey there, Jon! Awww... Hee hee hee! Yeah, just lean up like that. You’re warm. That’s nice. Thanks! It is a little breezy in here with the door gone and everything.

Oh, sorry. We’re both here now, maybe Jon has better answers for you, you can ask us both stuff. One at a time, Ok, whatever you need.

So, the P.E.R? Yeah, they just blew open the front of the office. The security door didn’t even matter. Bam! the front was just gone. No, I have no idea what they used. You, Jon? No? Explosives and stuff isn’t something either of us would know anything about. I’m just amazed that nopony got hurt. I guess they tried really hard not to hurt anypony.

Oh, Jules did? Sorry. Apparently Jules was hurt by the explosion, but they ponified him the moment they came in - I didn’t see that. Janice told you? I see. Thanks, Jon.

You should talk to Janice about Jules. Ponification fixed him up, though? I am so glad. I like Jules. You too? Fantastic! Maybe we have more friends in this office than we ever realized! This is awesome! Yeah! I feel that way too, Jon. Yeah, kinda happy, kinda content. It is nice. Really nice.

What? Oh, sorry, this is all so new, I feel new, everything feels new and... why did they hit us? I can’t think of any reason... you Jon? No. Neither of us can think of any reason. We’re just an ordinary distribution center for the worldcorp. Nothing fancy or big. We make sure the widgets get to where they need to go.

What? You mean why didn’t we all go pony already? Well, for me, I guess I was just kind of lame, really. I liked being one of the few to have a job, I kind of figured that once you become a pony, holding down a corporate position just isn’t important anymore, you know? And, whaddya know, I was right! I don’t care about this job anymore! How about you, Jon? Ha ha ha!

Why didn’t you go pony, Jon? Uh huh... Ok... I guess I can see that. The whole ‘humanity shouldn’t go away thing’, yeah, I can see that. I don’t agree with it anymore, but I can see where you were coming from. No! No, I don’t think you were being silly. Well, maybe a little, but hey, we had no way to know then what we know now, right? Come on, cheer up! We’re ponies now, and that’s what counts. That’s OK, Jon. We’re ponies now. No harm, no foul. Yeah! That’s the spirit!

I guess that’s the kind of thing you’ll find throughout the office. We just sort of clung to staying human kind of because. I guess we were a bunch of stick in the muds... I know I was. Mad? No! I’m not mad at the P.E.R. Goodness no. I guess I’m kinda grateful, actually. Yeah, I agree Jon. We’d never have become best friends without being ponified. Of course! I’m really glad too!

I’d have to say we’re glad this happened. I can honestly say I’ve never felt better or happier, and I haven’t even tried to stand up yet! I just feel like the future is going to be really fun. You too? Heya, Jon! Brohoof! Let’s see... how do you do this? Ah! Ok! Yeah! Brohoof! Ha ha ha!

Press charges? Are you kidding? Not me. Jon? Ha! I agree. Hey, P.E.R. if you ever see this, I just want to say thanks! Thank you for saving me from my dead-end human life. Go P.E.R.! You ponies rock!

They’re what? The princess considers them outlaws? Really? Oh, that’s sad. I’m sorry to hear that. Ex C.I.A.? They had genegineering done before they were converted, that’s why they can act violently? I guess that explains the explosion. Huh. I don’t like the idea of violent ponies. I guess I can see where Celestia is coming from on that one. Can they be fixed?

Oh. Well, hopefully something can be done. Even so, we’re still grateful, right Jon? Yeah. Me too.

No. I didn’t notice anything in particular. It just went ‘boom’, and then those little glass eggs started flying, and folks were hit, and they’d go down and start changing. I ducked behind my desk, but then I got curious and peeked up. That’s when I saw Jon get hit. I stood up... I guess I was going to go check on him or something.

Yeah, that’s when I saw the pony. I guess he was the leader. The doc told you? Yeah, I told the doc about that. He had a gray coat and a white mane. Kinda ragged looking, actually. I guess the P.E.R. doesn’t go in for a lot of mane brushing or something.

Yeah, I saw him really clearly. Well, maybe. Show me. Yeah! That’s the stallion! Really? Head of the entire original team? Wow, I’m honored. Well, other than the whole Celestia doesn’t approve thing. Yeah, he’s the one that got me. In his teeth. That part I did see. He just sort of looked at me, kinda smiled around that egg in his mouth and tossed it. Really good aim, got me right in the face.

Grape. Yeah, it was everywhere. At first, no, but then the pain hit. I mostly had my eyes shut at that point, but I do remember seeing my fingers globbing together and the back of my hand stretching out. I guess that’s this now. Foreleg? Thanks, Jon. Weird! This part of my leg used to be the back of my hand. I guess that must have been my wrist. It’s weird because it all feels so normal. It just feels like it’s always been that way. No, It just feels... right, somehow.

No, I don’t think so. I can’t imagine missing being human. Not now. Seriously, this really is pretty great. If I had any advice to give you it would be just to go to a Bureau straight away. Give up this investigation, it’ll all even out in the end. Let Celestia deal with them. No! Seriously!

I bet that if you asked, you could get ponified today. We have like, what, a year and a half left before Equestria swallows the earth? Aw, just go get it done. I sure wish I had, years ago. I could have had extra years as a pony. You too Jon? Hee! See, Jon agrees. Don’t even bother with it, Just go get ponified. OK, it’s your choice. No, no, whatever you want to do.

Oh, Luna! They’re back! It’s the P.E.R.! Look Jon! They came back! Ha ha ha! Oh wow! Nopony’d expect that! Those clever ponies. Better duck, agent Smythe! Oh! Oh, they got you, I guess the interview is over, oh, wow, right in the chest. No, that won’t help, it eats right through clothing. Shhh... shhh... it’s OK, I’m right here, I know it hurts, I’m sorry...

It’ll be Ok, it’ll be Ok... shhh... shhh... Just let it happen. The pain will be over in no time. You’ll feel so much better in just a moment. It’ll be Ok, really, it will. Jon? Let’s roll closer, try to comfort Smythe. There, there, whoa! Look at that! Hey, Jon, agent Smythe’s gonna be a unicorn! Cool!

Hey! Hey! You! PER leader! Yeah! I just wanted to say ‘Thank You!’ What? That’s great! Anyway, thank you for doing us today! Yeah! I’m really happy about it! Oh. No, I know. I hope Celestia pardons you. I’ll put in a good word for you, if it would help. Jon too! I understand. Yeah, you’d better get going. Bye! Oh! That was clever doubling back like that! Good Luck!

Wow, Jon, he was a really nice pony. Yeah, I agree. I hope Celestia forgives them. Maybe we can write her a letter or something. Yeah! Let’s do that!

Oh, hey, agent Smythe is coming around. Hello, agent Smythe! Welcome to being a pony! Howd’ya feel? Better? Great! It’s OK now, isn’t it? Just like I said. Yeah, it does hurt, but only for a while. You kinda forget about that part after a bit, I did. Jon says he did too.

Oh, yeah, the smells. That hit me first. And sight too. All the senses. Yes! Those hooves are yours! Hearing, that too. Everything is better. Taste... yeah, taste is better as a pony as well.

No, I won’t laugh! Of course not! Go on! They’re brand new, clean as a whistle, why not! Go on, I’ll do it too. Hey! Jon’s doing it! Yeah, why not? I mean, we’re ponies now! Why the hay not, right?

Now you see. Now you see why I was doing it. Just like a baby. We’re new. ‘Newfoals’, I really understand that word now. Yeah, you go ahead, agent Smythe. You can lick your own hooves if you want. It just feels neat to the tongue, all smooth and curved and amazing. Yeah. Hooves are awesome, I agree.

► Transcript Terminated at 14:33:21
► Transcript Logged And Filed. Incident Closed.

The Lost In The Herd Series:
One: The Big Respawn,
Two: Euphrosyne Unchained,
Three: Letters From Home,
Four: Teacup, Down On The Farm

The Conversion Bureau Novels:
27 Ounces: A story of eight and one half ponies
The Taste Of Grass
The Conversion Bureau: Code Majeste
The Conversion Bureau: The 800 Year Promise
The Conversion Bureau: Going Pony
The Reasonably Adamant Down With Celestia Newfoal Society!
Recombinant 63: A Conversion Bureau Story
HUMAN in Equestria: A Conversion Bureau Story
The PER: Michelson and Morely
Little Blue Cat
Cross The Amazon
Adrift Off Fiddler's Green: The Final Conversion Bureau Story

The Short Stories:
Her Last Possession
The Conversion Bureau: PER Equitum
The Conversion Bureau: Brand New Universe
Tales Of Los Pegasus
The Poly Little Pony

The very first and original
Conversion Bureau Group
archives only the best Three Rules Compatible stories!

Optimalverse Works:
Friendship Is Optimal: Caelum Est Conterrens
Leftovers: A Friendship Is Optimal Story
IMPLACABLE
My Life In Fimbria

Injectorverse Works:
I.D. - That Indestructible Something

The More Conventional Fanfics:
The Ice Cream Pony Summer
Around The Bend

PRIDE related works:
Transspecieality

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