Twisted Truth and Lonely Lies

Chapters

Prologue: The Man in the Mirror
Seraph, or Syphilis?
I Learn How To Kick Ass
An Angel Walks Into A Bar
The Killer Rabbit
Naming and Capture
The Epic Rescue
Temple Run
The Demented Forest of Magic Death

Prologue: The Man in the Mirror

Prologue: The Man in the Mirror

To hell with my life.

Seriously, that’s what was going through my head when everything changed. Oh, I suppose you don’t know me yet, so let me tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Cooper Flamel (yes, like the alchemist). I have raven hair, dark gray eyes, and some seriously pale skin. It helps that I live in the northern part of Great Britain, or else I’d burn like a fly on a Zap-Lite. I also have a tendency to wear neutral colors. No idea how that came about, but I suppose it’s because it compliments my extroverted personality. You’d think I’d be completely normal, because of my “background character-ness”, but no.

I just had to be the most sociable in a school of shy people.

You see, I attend Dr. Mariett’s Academy for Higher Intelligence. That’s saying something, considering I can barely figure out quadratic formulae at the age of fifteen. And then there’s the fact that I bunk with a couple of A-grade nerds. Don’t get me wrong or anything, nerds are okay. I just wish they weren’t trying to get me to convert to scientology or atheism every damn second of my waking life. Nerds make up the majority of this place. And then there’s the football team. Not that stupid knockoff of rugby, but real British football.

That team was the reason I died. Well, not really the entire team, but I digress.
It was actually the best forward on the team, Marcus O’Gille. He was, in essence, the average high-school bully; large, with freakish muscles and an absurd amount of cruelty hidden up his ripped sleeves. The only problem was that he didn’t pick on nerds. The nerds outnumbered him fifty-to-one, and if he tried to face them down, they’d just stab him with their LARP staves. So he took the next-best thing.

Me.

See, I was the only “average” at school, so I stuck out like a middle-schooler’s crotch when he stumbles into the girl’s bathroom. And that means I was the prime target.

“Hey, Marcus! Pass the emo over here!”

‘I am not emo. I hope that bastard gets struck by lightning.’

At that moment, however, I couldn’t correct him. I actually had a football flying at my face, and opening my mouth would mean certain dentures. So I took it like a man, and went head-first into the dirt. I stared up at the stormy gray sky. Man, that sky might have described my mood after this encounter, which is:

I don’t give a damn who’s outside, they’re getting wet. Anyone who gets in my way can be smote by God. Marcus strutted up to me, sneering.

“How do you like the facial, emo?”

I spit some mud out of my mouth. Instead of talking to him, I just grasped the closest thing I could find, and pulled down hard.

I think I may have ripped his testicle off.

Marcus screamed in pain as his right hand, Finch, kicked me in the head and ran over to help him. I shook the stars out of my eyes just in time to see Marc and Finch hobbling to the school building. I figured it’d take them a while, since the locker room was a good two hundred meters from administration.

“Oh, you’re gonna get it now, emo,” one of the others snarled. “Do you know how much that’s gonna cost medically?”

“At least his drug dealer gets the better part,” I shot back. “He’ll have to double up on the steroids he’s been taking to make up for the testosterone loss.” I had no idea that was the last thing I would say before I died.

The smallest guy on the team picked up a spare ball, ready to bean me with it. Just then, I saw a spark flickering from cloud to cloud. We hadn’t had a good rain in a while, and the grass was very dry. The dots slowly connected in my head.

Lightning = very hot
Dry grass + very hot lightning = fire
Fire + me = rotisserie human

This lasted all of two seconds, but those two seconds were two too late. I saw, as if in slow motion, the flash of light not ten meters away from my head. The fire spread so quickly, the boys barely knew what was going on before their nerves roasted.

I groaned in pain as the flames licked across my face, slowly burning every nerve. After I while, I just stopped feeling. I closed my eyes, not really ready for death, but knowing that if I embraced it, I could punch it in the face the first chance I got.

“Wake up, idiot!”

I opened my eyes. The mysterious numbness was gone, as was the fire. I got up, sighing in satisfaction as my neck and back popped. Something seemed off…

I realized I was looking at my reflection.

I looked around quickly. I was in my room back at campus. It was cleaner, and didn’t smell like semen from my roommates’ “secret planning time”, but it was my room nevertheless. The voice sounded again.

“Hey, listen!”

‘Damn you Navi. I will never get that sound out of my head.’

I peered into the mirror. The reflection looked back at me. Then, without warning, it got up and walked out of the side of the frame. I raised my eyebrow.

‘Maybe I’m hallucinating. You know, that makes sense. I’ve heard that fires fuck with your brain.’

Another person walked into the frame. He looked a little like Mel Gibson in Hamlet; dark hair, with a thin stubble across his face. He was dressed in a black tunic with canvas pants.

“Hello? Is this thing working?” he asked. I jumped back in shock.

“Uh, who are you?” I asked a little worriedly. “And why did you just steal my reflection?”

“I didn’t steal your reflection, fool. Your reflection just left so I could talk to you for a while.”

“Isn’t that what all neighborhood pedophiles say to children?”

“Shut up.” The man looked at me intently. “I don’t suppose you know who I am?”

The man looked completely foreign. That is, until I spotted a tarnished silver collar around his neck.

‘Hold on. Silver collar, mourning colors, not breathing… DING!’

“You’re Judas Iscariot, aren’t you?” I asked, hopefully confirming my suspicions. “You betrayed Jesus and felt bad about it, so you repented by forging a silver noose with the coins you got from the guards and hanging yourself with it.”

“Finally, someone recognizes me. It took Satan about a hundred and fifty years to figure that out.” He looked me over again. “How do you like being dead?”

“Eh, I’ve had worse.” Judas laughed.

“I like you, kid! You’ve got spunk. So how about we make a little deal?”

Okay, so a convicted criminal who was supposed to be in Hell is asking me to make a bet with him. Now, I have two options. Am I going to do the smart thing and say no, or am I going to be completely predictable and say yes?

“Why not?” I said carelessly. “What’s the worst that could happen?” for once, I actually didn’t regret saying that.

Judas pulled out a deck of cards and shuffled them. “Whoever gets the best hand wins. If you win, I bring you back to life. If you lose, you replace me as Satan’s eternal chew toy.” He dealt the cards. I picked them up apprehensively.

‘Fuck yeah.’ Judas showed me his cards.

“Royal Flush, diamonds,” he said, grinning. I put on a fake “I haz a sad” face, and mournfully looked down at my cards. I then slapped them into his hands.

“Royal Flush, spades. I WIN, BEEYATCH!” I shouted. Judas looked down in disbelief, then turned his eyes to me. I was dancing my happy dance, and that happy dance made me happy as hell. Or not going to hell, in this case.

“You actually won,” Judas said admirably. “I really did pick the right man for the job.” He snapped his fingers, and suddenly the world began to blur. “Oh, before I forget. I’ll bring you back, but it’s not really going to be in this universe. You’re a Player in the Game now.” He began muttering something that had the word "Equestria in it. No idea what that was about. Then i realized what happened.

‘Oh, fuck. I just got double-crossed by a suicidal.’

“Bye-bye! I hope you like ponies, cuz you’re about to see a whole lot of them. Oh, and how do you feel about birds?” Judas asked, waving his blurred hand to me. I felt the air around me shift, knocking me into oblivion. The last thing I saw was a dark blue horse thing with a massive-ass horn.

“FUUUUUUUUUU-” I screamed before passing out again.

I really hate that double-crossing, triple-crossing sonuvabitch.

Seraph, or Syphilis?

Twisted Truth and Lonely Lies

Chapter 1: Seraph, or Syphilis?

I woke up.

Yeah, that’s it. You were expecting some sort of monologue on how I felt as I drifted out of oblivion, right? Well, don’t expect much and you won’t be disappointed.

So, anyways, I woke up. There was this strange sort of vibration moving up and down my body. Holy crap; what if I’m being probed by an alien? I shot up, only to find that something metal was directly in front of my face.

“What the freaking Toto was that?!” I shouted, clutching my forehead.

“Ah!” someone from my right screamed. I opened my eyes and looked over…

And found myself face-to-face with a winged lizard.

Now I know what you’re all thinking. Dragon? No. think of it more like an Argonian from Skyrim, except with angel wings.

It took me a lot longer than it usually would to comprehend what I saw, mostly due to the fact that I gave myself a mild concussion. Once my brain had regained enough processing power to understand that I was in front of a lizard, I cussed.

“Judas… I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD!!!!!” I screamed, thrashing around. The angel-guana (that’s what I decided to call them) looked even more scared than before. After an unintelligible squeak (and the fact that it had boobs), I determined it was a girl.

“Ugh, my head… sorry to bother you, miss. I just have to find my way out of here kick the crap out of a damned soul.”

The girl looked slightly confused. “Damned… soul…?” she murmured. Oh, great. Someone even more shy and antisocial than the geeks back home.

“Excuse me,” I said, suddenly realizing something. “Where exactly am I?”

“Oh! Um… you’re in my house, on the edge of the Blackwell Islands.”

“Blackwell Islands?” I asked. “That’s odd. I don’t remember ever hearing about that place. Well, that git did say I’d end up in another reality.”

“Um… if you don’t mind me asking… how have you not heard about the Blackwell Islands? I mean, you’re a seraph.”

“I’m a what-now?” I asked. I stared down at my hands. Now that I wasn’t freaking out, I could see and feel the minute differences in my body; my skin was smoother, the hair on my arms and legs completely gone. I seemed to be thinner, more muscular, especially along my arms, back and torso. My body also felt much lighter, and there was a strange sensation in my gut, like air flowing through my organs.

“A seraph. Have you really not heard of seraph before? You must have had very little education,” the lizard-lady said concernedly. I chuckled.

“That’s where you’re wrong. I just didn’t pay any attention in class. I’m Cooper, by the way. What’s your name?”

“I’m Alenea,” the girl said.

“Nice to meet you, Alenea. Now, if you don’t mind, would you please tell me what exactly a seraph is?”

Alenea looked surprised, but spoke nevertheless. “A seraph is any winged bipedal creature such as ourselves.”

“Wait –did you just say wings?!” I asked in amazement. That was why my back and upper body felt so strong. I flexed my back, and two enormous gray and ebony wings flared out. Alenea gasped slightly.

“Wow…” she whispered. “They’re huge.”

“Really?” I asked. “I thought they were pretty big, but I’ve never seen any other males, so I can’t compare them.” With a little effort, I folded my wings back into the conveniently placed cavity of my back, and noted my surroundings.

I was in a cozy looking room, with a bright fire in one corner and a table in the other. There was a small window near me, overlooking a beautiful valley below a maelstrom of clouds and dots.

“How many of you… of us are there out there?” I asked in amazement.

“Oh, about three hundred.”

“Three hundred? That’s all? What happened to the –HOLY CRAP WHAT THE CRUCIFIX HAPPENED TO MY EARS?!” I screeched. I was staring into another conveniently placed object: a mirror. I still had my dashing good looks, but upon closer inspection, I noticed two ears, covered in fur, sticking up from my hair. My features seemed more… canine, for lack of a better word. When I opened my mouth, I saw that my teeth were slightly sharper, and my back molars had become spikes. Oddly enough, they didn’t hurt at all. Even my eyes burned into canine browns. I turned around, hoping for another, actually better, possibility…

“YES!” I shouted, which sent Alenea into another quivering fit. “I have a fucking tail!” I’ve always wanted a tail. The only problem was, I had no idea how to move it. It just poked out of a hole in my jeans, flowing limply to the floor. “Judas, you are quite possibly the coolest douchebag on the face of the multi-verse!”

“Who exactly is this Judas?” Alenea asked.

“Long story. I’m not exactly allowed to explain, if I’m right.” A bright flash of light caught my attention at the windowsill. “Um, Alenea? Is there supposed to be a humongous flaming lizard with three heads going on a rampage and frying other seraph today?”

Alanea’s eyes widened. “The pyrohydra!” she squeaked. “That thing’s been attacking us for months now!” an even more scared look crossed her face. “I just forgot! My sister’s out there!”

Evil monster: check.

Damsel in distress: check.

Badass new body in which to kick evil monster’s flaming ass and save damsel in distress: double check.

“I’m in!” I shouted. I ran to the window and jumped out.

Probably not the best idea, considering that the cottage was built on the side of a cliff.

I Learn How To Kick Ass

Chapter 2: I Learn How to Kick Ass

I dropped like a rock, plummeting into the valley below. I knew it would only hurt my pride even more to start screaming like a little girl, so instead I straightened myself as much as I could and slowly began to extend my wings.

Now, let me stop you right there. You think flying is easy? Well, you’re wrong. It’s not a simple hop, skip and flipping jump, let me tell you that. I knew from physics class that suddenly increasing your body’s surface area while falling rips you back, so I had to glide very carefully. Besides, there was the whole fact that I was unable to do anything but extend and retract my wings at the time. My ears folded back and my tail streamed behind me as I zoomed towards the green grass. Eventually, my wings were at the point that I could begin to angle up by arching my back. I steadied to a rather rough glide, all the while watching the flaming path of destruction the evil beast wrought. I then realized that, lo and behold, I had rushed into this situation without even a weapon.
‘Oh well. I’ll just kick it in the balls.’
I finally managed to get near it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fight my first boss in the air. The sheer heat that was rising from its body forced me upward, so I tucked in as much as I could and dropped towards the ground, rolling to a stop. The beast hadn’t noticed me yet. What its sights were set on was a feline seraph, noticeably female, with black fur and huge green eyes. Actually somewhat cute, if you look at her from a non-human’s point of view. There was only one problem: she was almost literally frozen, terror seeping through her gaze. I jumped up and ran, ignoring the searing heat that eventually caught my shirt on fire. With the ashes of my favorite shirt trailing behind me like a burnt veil, I scooped the girl up and dove out of the way just in time to not become roasted Cooper. I quickly spread my wings and beat them as hard as I could. I nearly dropped the girl when I shot a few hundred feet into the air. Together, the two of us managed to find a clear niche in a hill. I set the girl down gently.
“For God’s sake, just stay here,” I pleaded. “Way too many stories where the damsel in distress tries to help and ends up being killed.”
The girl nodded feebly as I took flight once again. I circled around the hill to face the fast-approaching pyrohydra.
“Alright, listen up, you bastard!” I shouted as loudly as I could. The thing stopped screeching long enough for me to take a good, long look at its body. The thing was covered in chips of rock. Where the pieces fit together, glowing magma oozed through. It had three heads. All three were staring at me with malice in their empty eye sockets. “You just burned my favorite fucking shirt, and I’m really pissed. Guess what happens when shirtless, angry protagonists face off against demons?” I swerved towards it, tucking in my wings at the last second. I saw a small, unarmored spot near its chest. As I approached, I straightened one leg. It struck true, leaving the monster roaring in pain.
Unfortunately, it also caught me in the shoulder with its flaming tail.
I was sent sprawling, agonizing pain spreading into my right arm. Groaning, I shakily got to my feet, extending my wings for balance. The pyrohydra, apparently recovered from my attack, charged me, spewing flame from its three mouths. I rolled, landing painfully on my shoulder. The beast was almost upon me when I got up again. My instincts kicked in, and I jumped to the only place I could.
Into the fiery bastard’s mouth.
I dodged the tongue and grabbed onto a tooth. The thing was rather loose for a tooth, so I assumed this thing was still just a fledgling. The tooth itself was still a good three and a half feet tall. As the pyrohydra thrashed around, I ripped the tooth from the gums. A flood of silvery-pink blood flushed its mouth. The pyrohydra then considered the great idea of roasting me alive while I was still in its mouth. As it turned out, it had to open its mouth to do so. I jumped out of the thing’s mouth just in time to avoid three thousand degrees of anger.
“You know what?” I said, dancing my way around it. “You need a name. How about Leroy?”
The monster roared. Leroy apparently didn’t like his new name. I worked my way around him, analyzing all of his weaknesses.
‘Alright, there are three choices: the eyes, the chest, or the mouth. I’ll get drowned by pyrohydra blood if I take the mouth, and the eyes are a bit too risky. The only good opening is the chest, seeing as the heads couldn’t effectively get to it, and it was relatively easy to get to from outside.’
Now that I finally had a weapon, it was time for me to begin my counterattack. A raspy roar tore from my throat as I charged the monster. It stopped, confused; it obviously didn’t expect me to attack it directly. That moment of hesitation was all I needed.
I raced up to it and plunged its tooth into the spot just above its heart, prying open the flesh. The pyrohydra screamed in pain and tried to bite me off. I climbed to the side, sending one of its heads straight towards its now-exposed heart. It was going too fast to stop. I watched in a mixture of exhaustion and euphoria as the beast tore out its own heart. Leroy groaned once more before falling back against the ground. I dropped the tooth and fell to the ground as the adrenaline left my body. A thick pool of blood soaked through my jeans as the punctured organ spurted fluids everywhere.
“Well, you made a damn mess for your first fight, boy.” The voice from behind me sent a surge of just-plain-pissed-off up my spine.
“Fuck you, Iscariot,” I said weakly. “Besides, aren’t you supposed to be in the jaws of the epitome of evil?”
“That’s only my body and soul. My mind is free to wander for all eternity.”
“Shut up.” I took one last look at my pants before my vision blurred. “I better have some damn fine clothes on when I wake up, got it? Otherwise, I might get angry and ninja your brain.”
“You have my word.”
“Like that’s worth anything.” The pain of my combined shoulder and fatigue finally overcame me, and I faded into blackness.

“Hey, he’s waking up, sister!”

“Hush. He must have a splitting headache.”

I blinked, trying to wear the fatigue away from my eyes. Something black shifted above me. I reached out, attempting to grasp it. When I felt the furry object, a soft yelp rang in my ears. My vision gradually cleared. I was holding…

The feline’s arm.

Ha! I got you idiot readers. Did you think I embarrassed myself by accidentally groping a girl’s privates? No. Even in half-consciousness, I’m smarter than most of you fools.
Alenea gently unwound my fingers from her wrist. “Welcome back to the world of the living, hero,” she said kindly.

“I don’t feel much like a hero,” I groaned. I shifted up, and my shoulder gave a painful twinge. I checked it. The wound was mostly healed, so I assumed Judas did a little magic. “To be totally honest, I feel like a retarded seal that’s just been dipped in lava, breaded with scarab beetles, cooked in the center of the sun, and served with those little grape tomatoes.”

The feline giggled and looked me over. “You know, you look pretty weird for a canine-seraph,” she said. Alenea gave her a patronizing look.

“That’s rude, Nia,” she scolded. She turned back to me. “Cooper, are you really alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I stared at the cat. “So, this is your sister, huh? I thought you’d be more… reptilian.”

“Jeez, just because I got dad’s genes,” the feline grumbled. “Anyway, I don’t think we’ve been introduced. My name is Aerenia, but everyone calls me Nia.” She extended a hand… paw to me.
“Cooper. It’s a pleasure.” I simultaneously shook her paw and pulled myself up at the same time. I only then noticed the kind of clothes I was wearing.

“Well, I suppose I owe Judas an apology,” I mused, staring at my outfit in another conveniently placed mirror. I was wearing a short-sleeved gray jacket over a longer-sleeved black shirt with the words “One does not simply” emblazoned on the front. Below that was a pair of dark blue jeans. A black leather belt was threaded through the loops, while a chain jingled from near my right pocket. Even better, he decided to include my granddad’s old Ruger Vaquero revolver, Paco, in a black leather holster.

“Who’s Judas?” Nia asked.

“Yes, I’d like to know that as well,” Alenea said. I winked.

“Trade secret. Now I’m gonna go outside and stretch my wings. You guys wanna come?” my wings did feel a little sore from being constantly battered, but I was sure they’d hold up just fine.
I can’t say they didn’t warn me.

“Wait, Cooper!” Alenea shouted, but I had already opened the door. A mob of assorted seraph were separated into two groups. One half was wielding pitchforks, torches, and almost everything else known to living things. The other side was arguing with them. They both stopped when they saw me open the door.

“What did I miss?” I casually asked over my shoulder.

“Oh, the townspeople are arguing about whether or not to kill you. Some people thought you were the reason that pyrohydra was trying to kill us all,” Nia shouted back.

“Thanks.” I turned back to the townsfolk, some of whom were starting to get angry again.
“There he is!” a scaly looking fellow screamed. “Kill the traitor!”

“KILL HIM!” part of the crowd chanted. The mob advanced, leaving me at the sole mercy of a few angels.
Well, not quite.

I simply pulled Paco out of its holster, thumbed back the hammer, and raised it into the air. The few somewhat sane ones seemed intrigued, but the others were flipping me off, shouting obscenities, etc. I ignored them and squeezed the trigger, grinning like an idiot as I did so. The resulting BANG! rolled across the valley. Everyone, even fish-face, shut their traps.

“That was a nice, loud noise from a nice, deadly weapon,” I told them.

“No duh, idiot!” Nia called from inside the house.

“Shut up! I’m trying to give a fear-instilling speech here!” I turned back to the crowd at hand. “Alright, listen up! I have no idea what you’re talking about. All I did was kick a random monster’s ass. I really don’t care what you all think of me anyway. I’m leaving in about an hour, so feel free to criticize me. As for being a traitor, I only got this body, maybe, six hours ago? And don’t get me started on the fact that I just saved the (probably) hottest female in this damn conglomeration.” A glass broke inside the house. I smirked inwardly. I strutted back into the house, leaving the group of seraph utterly dumbstruck. Alenea giggled as I walked in.

“That was rather… fierce,” she said. I nodded.

“Hey, sometimes you just have to intimidate your way through life.” I rubbed my aching shoulder. “Why aren’t any of the guys’ wings bigger than mine?”

She suddenly turned a scarlet-y shade. “Well…” I could see that she was having a hard time trying to word her explanation, but I unfortunately couldn’t help. “Males with larger wings are seen as… attractive, to put it simply.”

“Oh,” I stated simply. Hey, I’m not going to blush. I’m hot in this world, and that is a very good thing. I glanced around. Alenea was rummaging through a chest in the corner, the fire was slowly dying, and Nia was just staring off into space, part of a shattered glass between her paws. Alenea turned around, a cloak and a few bags trailing from her arms.

“Since you’re leaving soon, I thought you’d need these,” she said, handing them to me. The cloak was made of rather fine wool, but the weave was dense, and it would keep the grime out nicely. As for the bags, they contained an assortment of dried meats, bread, and beans, as well several gallons of water water and a bedroll.

“Thanks,” I said, just as someone knocked on the door. I dived behind the table.

“If the guy has a pitchfork, torch or Girl Scout Cookies, I’m dead,” I shouted. I heard a door being opened, along with a small conversation I decided to tune out.

“Cooper!” Nia shouted, having apparently coming out of her reverie. “Get your arse out here!”

I popped up from under the table. “Was it the Girl Scouts?”

“The who-now? Actually, it’s our father.” At this, I was curiously striding through the house, looking for the dad. What I came face to face with was a strange seraph: feline, but with dark gray stripes across his black face.

“So you’re the one who saved my daughter from being roasted,” he said in a gruff voice. He looked me over suspiciously.

“I don’t like you-” I held up a hand.

“Let me stop you right there. I’m one third retriever, so that might explain it.”

“-flirting with my daughter,” he continued unabated. Nia turned a slight shade of pink again, while Allie (that’s her nickname now) seemed confused. “Still, you not only saved her, but the entire tribe as well. I’m the blacksmith of this ‘conglomeration’, and I took a look at some of the remains of the pyrohydra, so here you go.” He then proceeded to pull out the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Even more so than an Italian-Mexican six shot.

The sword was incredible. As far as I could tell, the blade was made of the tooth I’d pulled out of its mouth, albeit cut down to size, with a falchion-esque shape. The hilt was wrapped in reddish-black leather, while the crossguard and pommel were made of blackened steel. A richly colored ruby rippled in the pommel’s base.

“Don’t think I’m doing this out of my free will or anything.” This guy looked so mad at himself, I almost laughed. I strapped the sword to my belt, giving him an appreciative hand… paw shake?
“Thank you. This will be useful in my travels.” How, I don’t know. I just know I have two badass weapons, and I’m going to use them when it’s appropriate. I turned back to the door, fastening my cloak as I went.

“Well, it’s been a pleasure to meet you all, but I gotta go. Apparently, as an alien, I’m part of a Game, and I have no idea what other crazy monsters will try to kill me.” I flung the door open and jumped off the cliff, stretching my wings wide. A single flap sent about a hundred feet into the air. Thank God this flying thing is somewhat easy to figure out.

About a mile away from the conglomerate, I hit the sea. At this height, it was easy to figure out why they called this place the Blackwell Islands. Oil pools dotted the landscape, making the entire archipelago look like a nest of flies on a half-eaten carcass.

“Okay, maybe that was a bit grotesque for a comparison,” I muttered to myself. There was a mass of land near the island, slightly west-northwest of me that almost gave off stink lines. The cool breeze that floated up from the waves felt incredible on my feathers. It’s strange, really, how only a near-death situation can get you comfortable with new body parts.

I flew for several more hours, stopping occasionally to rest on small outcroppings of rock. By the time it was sundown, I’d managed to find land. Lots of land.

Seriously, there was a forest there that stretched for miles. Ravens popped up every now and then, but otherwise, it looked deserted, so I forged a path through. Finally finding a clearing at… what, midnight? It’s hard to tell time when there isn’t a watch in sight. So I found a clearing and set up camp. This mainly consisted of some venison, a fire, a bedroll, and me incessantly talking to myself. I do that sometimes.

I’m not crazy.

I was in the middle of contemplating just how effective modern medicine is against high-functioning ADD when I heard a rustle towards my right. I frowned, noting the small patch of black that stuck up from a bush. Granted, it was only barely noticeable, even in full moonlight, but that only made me more suspicious. Maybe something else wanted my head? I impulsively pulled out Paco and thumbed the hammer. My ears pricked up and I was suddenly aware of my canines digging into my gums.

“Look, I don’t want trouble,” I enunciated. “If you wish to keep your life and possibly your brain, I suggest you back out of the bush very slowly.”

The shape crawled out of the shrubbery. Two bright green eyes flashed at me as I raised Paco toward its head, wary of any creature that could harm me. Then it connected.

Black. Green eyes. Sneaky.

Oh, fuck.

An Angel Walks Into A Bar

Chapter Three: An Angel Walks Into A Bar…

“Nia?” I asked tentatively. The cat-girl nodded.

“Why?” I asked exasperatedly. “Why in the nine circles of hell would you even consider trying to follow me? If I haven’t already forced it through your head, I’m dangerous.”

“That’s exactly why I followed you,” she replied hastily. “The Blackwell Islands are so boring, and what better way to make my escape than by keeping an eye on you? Besides, I have some questions for you. Who’s Judas? Why do you keep saying you’re an alien? What’s hell?”

“I believe I’ll be able to answer those.” I knew that voice. Without even turning around, I emptied two bullets into the darkness where said voice was located. Judas stepped out, with matching bullet holes right above his eyes.

“That hurt, you undead bastard!” he growled. I smirked.

“Suck it up, dumbass. I believe you’re the one who’s being slowly chewed to pieces by a demon, and you’re complaining about a couple bullets? Pathetic.”

“Excuse me, but who are you?” Nia asked.

“I’m Judas. If it weren’t for me, this idiot wouldn’t even be here right now,” Judas snarled.

“So that’s your way of praising yourself? Kill me with fire, then send me here only to be part of a Game which you’ve told me nothing about. You’re a great guy, Judas, you really are.”

“It’s not my fault the lightning hit just ten feet to your side! I was randomly scoping around for a Player of my own when your dead soul came along.”

“Yeah, and then you drag me into this place without even telling me what the hell’s happening!”

“ENOUGH!” Nia shouted. Both Judas and I stared at her in wonder. I’m really starting to like this girl. “Alright, here’s how we’re going to do this. Cooper, please answer my questions. Mr. Judas-”

“Oh, look at the time. I’ve gotta go. Hope you don’t die, Cooper!” Judas shouted, before vanishing in a puff of smoke.

“That two-timing, slimy piece of alligator shit,” I muttered darkly.

“Alright, who was that guy?” Nia asked impatiently.

“That was Judas. You ever talk to him again, I’m blowing your brains out. Got it?” I sat down and sighed. “This is gonna be a long night,” I groaned.

I explained to Nia exactly, in total detail, what hell was. She only threw up twice. Good girl. I told her who Judas was, what he was doing in this place, and that I was an alien.

“Wait, so you’re expecting me to believe that you come from another dimension or something?” she asked suspiciously.
“Pretty much. I mean, how many seraph do you meet that look like me?”

“you have a point there.” My body did look a rather lot like my old one. I guess now I was part human, part bird, and part dog. Not a very stable mix, instinctively. I stabbed at a bit of deer with a sharpened stick.

“Well, I don’t have any more questions, so I guess I’ll-”

“Sit your ass down and have some venison?” I cut her off. “You followed me. That, in my book, is signing up for the ride. And once you sign up, there isn’t any way in hell that you can get out.” Nia just stared at me like I was crazy.

Alright, it’s time to face reality. I probably am crazy. But that doesn’t stop me being a total badass.

“So, what’s the plan for tomorrow?” Nia asked as she strode over to the fire.

“Well, we’ll have to get out of this blasted forest, for one.” I threw a rock at an incoming raven. The pebble conked it on the head, and it fell into a rosebush. “Too many damn scavengers for my liking. I say we find the nearest town, work a little to get cash, and then move on to the next place.”

“Whatever happened to this ‘Game’ of yours?” Nia asked.

“Well, if we travel like this, there’s the chance we can take out any monsters that get in our path.” I contemplated my stratagem. “It’s funny, really. If you think about it this way, this continent’s kind of like a chess board. Like one giant chess game of the gods.”

“You’re really weird,” Nia said.

“What can I say? My mentality balances my stunning physical charm,” I said. I tossed the bedroll to her. “Here, you’ll want this.”

“But what about you?” she asked, tilting her head.

“I’ll just sleep in a tree or something. Trees aren’t actually that bad. They’re one of the only places you can escape to when your dorm room reeks of a seriously backed up adolescent.” She just looked at me strangely and climbed into the sleeping sack. I used my rather sharp nails, combined with an incredible strength I’d developed in my fingers, to climb my way up a tall tree. Let me just say, thank TARDIS I don’t get vertigo. I closed my eyes, settling into a comfy niche.

I nearly fell out of the tree when I woke up. I flail around a lot, so yeah. After waking up by means of bashing my head against a tree, I glided down to the ground, where Nia was munching on some berries.

“Hello!” I shouted, scaring her.

“HOLY –dammit, Cooper! You scared the fur off of me!”

“That means I’m sneaky enough to go unnoticed. Good.” I popped a handful of berries before beginning to break camp.

“Hurry up. I have an idea, and I really want to test it out.” We broke camp in record time, and I strapped on my pack. Nia and I trekked through the forest for about an hour before we came to a foul-smelling swamp. Nia wrinkled her nose.

“What the heck is this?” she asked disgustedly.

“That,” I said slowly, “is sulphur. Sulphur is flammable. I have a gun.” I motion for Nia to stand back and raised Paco. “Cover your ears.” I emptied the rest of the bullets into the sulphur cloud blanketing the forest.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!

I estimate about a quarter of the forest exploded. The speed of the bullets, combined with the air friction, caused a tiny little spark to ignite the entire cloud of gas. A massive mushroom cloud rippled upwards, and I had to extend my wings around my body as a shield. Splintered wood flew every which way, bouncing off the remaining trees, falling like painful rain, et cetera. I think the sheer heat singed most of my feathers, but thankfully, nothing burned off. I stared at the landscape once the deluge of fire and gas was over and whistled.

“Atomic bombs, you ain’t got nothing on me.” The place looked like a miniature Grand Canyon. A crater stretched as far as I could see in front of me, with ash and timber littering the blackened dirt. There were also quite a few cooked animals, which made our search for food much easier. I grinned wildly to Nia, who was gaping at the scene.

“You… you’re insane,” she said, awed. I smirked.

“I’m not insane. I’m just extremely resourceful.” I gave her another wicked grin. Her expression was mostly neutral, but her eyes betrayed fear, admiration, and maybe a hint of affection. I shouldered my pack again. “Come on, let’s go. With all this crap out of the way, it’ll take way less time to traverse the forest. Besides, I need a beer. Never had beer before.”

“Princess Cadence, Shining Armor has returned from his patrol,” said a guard. Cadence nodded briskly and the door to the carriage opened. Due to unnecessary rumors of bandits and strange creatures prowling the countryside, Cadence and Armor were returning from their honeymoon at the newly built Tailton Springs by passing through the Southern Rainforests and Black Marshes. A contingent of guards, by Celestia’s decree, was to follow them everywhere outside of the town in order to ensure their protection.

“Cadence?” a boyish voice asked from outside of the carriage. “Are you in there?”

“Yes,” responded Cadence. A white unicorn with a singed mane opened the door and climbed inside.

“How are you holding up, dear?” Cadence asked warily, looking at his singed fur. Armor chuckled.

“Honestly, Cadence. There’s no need to worry about me. That dragon just caught me by surprise, that’s all.”

“Come to think of it, how did the builders manage to miss a dragon in the hot spring? It was a shame the poor dear went off with her mother, though. Those blue scales were adorable!”

“Not so adorable once they’ve cut off half your-”

BANG! BANG! BANG!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!

An explosion of light and sound cut Shining Armor off. Shockwaves of wind sent the carriage tumbling away from the path. Shining Armor was sent flying through the window, while Cadence hit the wall with a resounding THUD!

The guards outside groaned and stumbled. “Is everypony alright?!” Cadence heard Armor shout. The guards grunted assent. “Cadence, are you okay?”

Cadence took a quick faculty of her body. “My wing appears to be broken, but other than that, I’m fine.” She poked her head outside of the window. “But I think you might want to turn around…”

Shining Armor turned and gaped. A blazing mushroom cloud was rippling into the sky, bringing with it tons of splintered wood and charred animals. Ash rained from the sky, coating everything with a bleak dust. Cadence turned and stared at Shining Armor.

“What could have done this?” she asked fearfully. Armor shook his head.

“I don’t know… and I think we’re about to find out.”

Nia and I were strolling throughout the forest, stopping now and then to examine an animal or plant. Needless to say, Nia didn’t like it very much.

“Why are we doing this again?” she asked impatiently. I glanced over at her, crossing her arms and tapping her feet/paws impatiently.

“Two reasons,” I responded, picking up a charred little serpent thing with a chicken head. “One, neither of us have seen anything outside of the Blackwell Islands. This is an amazing opportunity to study the animals and plants indigenous to this forest.”

“And the other?” she queried.

I turned to her and winked. “Because you’re cute when you’re restless.” A faint blush rose up from her fur, and she began to stammer incoherently. I smirked inwardly and noticed the fringe of the remaining forest. “Well, it looks like we’re at the end of the crater. If my math is correct, we’re only a few miles from the edge of these woods. Let’s go, before our troublemaking attracts any attention.” We raced off, extending our wings slightly to cool them. I never knew wings could get so warm. Of course, that led to the whole Judas thing. I still need to kick that guy’s ass when I see him again. I wondered just how many other people suffered the same fate as I did, being spirited away by a spirit or god or something. Maybe I’d meet a few other

“Players” on my journey. Hell, I didn’t even know what I was brought here to do.
Oh well, let’s get on with the butt-kicking.

About two hours later, we were still dashing and eventually got to the edge of the forest. I had no idea dogs could run for several hours straight without even being winded, but I suppose I was an idiot in my past. I found Nia striding beside me with a loping, feminine grace. I told you she was cute when she was restless. The two of us eventually burst through the trees and slowed considerably.

“Wow,” I said, puffing out a sigh. “I have never run that far and that fast in my life, much less in two hours. You seraph have some crazy stamina, you know that?”

“Really? That’s not normal stamina?” Nia asked blankly. “Actually, I’m a little out of practice in just running.”

“Jesus, girl, you are freaky. The good kind of freaky, but freaky nonetheless.” She blushed again as I spotted a building that looked suspiciously like a tavern. “Lo and behold, I think we just found a pub. That was suspiciously convenient. Nia, put on your cloak and keep your head down. I’ll handle the talking, and there’s probably a bounty list inside. We catch a criminal, turn them in, and buy ourselves some good old fashioned ale.” She nodded and fastened her cloak. I followed suit and added a nice addition: a wide brimmed hat that made me look like a medieval Harry Dresden. With a quick grin at my companion, I approached the door and opened it.
The bar was full of what looked like…

“Horses?” I asked, dumbfounded. “They’ve got talking horses here?” I filed that under “Damn nature, you scary” in my brain and tried to continue with my badass persona. I scanned the room as conversation ceased. There were griffins, unicorns, pegasi, huge bulldogs that were standing on two legs, and a cat like Nia here and there. I doubted any of them were seraph. An aquamarine unicorn was tending the bar. I approached him deliberately. Nia followed, her hood up and her luminous eyes staring defiantly forward. When I got to the bar, I pulled off my hat. The barman appeared mildly surprised at my appearance, but shrugged it off.

“What can I get ya?” he asked gruffly. I jerked my thumb at Nia, who was leaning against a wall, watching me intently.
“My friend and I are looking for a bounty list. Anything come to mind?”

The barman (should I even call him barman?) gave me a wicked grin. “Bounty hunters, eh? Ya look a little scrawny, but if ya don’t die, I ain’t got a problem with it.” He reached under the bar and pulled out a sheaf of papers. I took them and leafed through them. To my surprise and slight joy, several of the criminals listed in the papers were in the bar itself. That was when Nia jerked her head to the side, indicating I should move. I twisted to the side just in time to avoid a huge, meaty hand lunging for my throat. I flicked Paco out of its holster and clubbed him on the head. Seeing as this wasn’t a very good weapon, I sheathed it and drew the sword Nia’s dad made for me. It felt even more natural in my hands than the last time I held it, and my enhanced reflexes moved my wrist before I could even think. A flare of light exploded into being somewhere in the room and the blade deflected it. No, not deflected… absorbed. The blade illuminated with a flaming orange glow. I swung it at the creature that tried to shoot me, and a gout of yellow-white fire rippled outwards, taking two more of my opponents along with it. Now that I wasn’t being torn at from all sides, I could actually see who was trying to kill me. Three of the dog creatures were on the ground, dazed, as well as a unicorn. A griffin and a pegasus were buzzing their wings, floating like bumblebees. Nia was crouching over a pair of regular horses, her claws out and teeth bared. I tutted at the unfortunate group.

“Come on, guys. Two unknown creatures, one armed, walk into a bar and ask for bounties. You don’t try to kill them on sight, you lay low, dumbasses!” the griffin ignored this piece of wisdom and charged me. I simply side-stepped him and brought the pyrohydra tooth blade up, slicing his wing at the shoulder. He screeched in pain. The pegasus, wise enough to heed my words, zoomed out the window and into the forest. I glanced back at the bartender, who had a metal grate swung down on his bar. “I’m guessing this isn’t uncommon around here?”

The unicorn snorted. “You’re the third we’ve had this week. I will admit, you’re the only ones in the past few months to actually live through the experience.” At that moment, the door to the pub slammed open, and a white pegasus wearing some type of gold armor strutted in. “What is the meaning of this racket?!” he barked. A few of the milder creatures shrank back a bit at the outburst, but the rougher guys just glared at him. Then he noticed me, surrounded in a pool of blood, with a wingless griffin in my hand. His eyes shrank with rage as he sized me up.

“In the name of Princess Celestia, you are under arrest!” he shouted, lunging at me.

Too bad he didn’t see Nia.

She pounced on him faster than I could have ever done and bit a small part of his spine. The horse’s eyes rolled back into his head, and he passed out.

“Nice one,” I commented. She gave an amused grin. “Didn’t kill him, I hope? He seems to be part of a militia.”

“No, he’s just unconscious. I never thought I’d have to use that combat training Dad gave me when I was a kit.”
I chuckled. Leafing through the bounties once again, I found the griffin and his companions. “Ah, here we go,” I said.

Silverwing the Griffin
Location: Unknown, presumed Black Marshes
Crimes: Petty theft, attempted murder of the third degree, murder of the first degree, destruction of property, grand-scale arson, drug trafficking
Bounty: 3000 bits

The Diamond Dogs, as they were known, were worth 300 bits each. The horses were 150 and 625 for the regulars, and 400 for the unicorn. Total, it was about 4300 bits. If only I had a reference to compare bits to pounds with. Oh, wait, I was in a tavern. Taverns have beer!

Okay, an average 24 ounce mug of ale was three bits. An average 24 ounce beer back home was one and a half pounds. That meant that a bit was the equivalent to a fifty pence piece. Going off of that, it would have cost 54,545 pounds to buy an average house. That means that a house here, in bits, would be around 109,090 bits. Using that as a reference, it would take catching 36 Silverwinds and a few Diamond Dogs in order to buy a house here. These prices are too damn high!

“Jesus, this math is making my head dizzy,” I groaned. “Why couldn’t we do science instead? Science is great, especially drunk science. Well, never mind that. Nia, you stay here and help the bartender clean up while I drag these guys off to the nearest military outpost. Hey, unicorn barman, I want two mugs of fresh ale on that counter for us by the time I get back.” The unicorn nodded in assent while I piled all of the myriad creatures on my shoulders. I grunted as the griffin smacked against the healing burn on my collarbone, but shrugged it off and continued. As the door squeaked open, I noticed a crisp breeze that flowed across my face. Jeez, it felt good after almost getting my head blown off.

I was almost moaning from pain by the time I got to a main township of sorts. I apparently inherited the seraph’s speed and endurance, but definitely not their strength. Some horses looked at me strangely as a walked through the little cluster of homes. I wonder if there’s something in my teeth?

I finally reached a military-style building and sagged with relief. I slammed my hip against the door to fling it open. The nearest guard horses jerked their heads towards me as I piled the bodies on the pristine ground.

“Water,” I panted, plopping down on a nearby bench. A guard nodded and rushed out of the room, quickly returning with a cup filled to the brim with clear, glimmering liquid. I gulped the stuff down. After my gasps had subsided, I began to speak.

“I’m here… to collect… a few bounties. Specifically, Silverwind, Chomp, Crash, Spike, Star Fall, Crystal Horn, and Fleet Fare,” I belted off, gesturing towards the bodies. The guards looked at me strangely before rushing off and checking various stacks of papers. Several of them looked surprised, some suspicious, and a few others outright indignant. A guard walked up to me.

“Well, you did an outstanding job, sir,” he barked. “Silverwing had killed much of our contingent a month back in a fire. Unfortunately, we cannot give you any bounty.”

I raised an eyebrow. “And why would that be?”

“Because we damn well can’t have a freak like you running around with that much money,” he snorted. My eyes narrowed. A freak, am I? I looked down, noticing my blade still had a faint orange glow to it. My eyes lit up in excitement.

“Well then, I’m sorry I have to do this, boys.”

The Killer Rabbit

Chapter 4: The Killer Rabbit

“Man, I love my life,” I whistled, grinning merrily as the pouch of money I carried jingled. The door to the tavern slammed open as I strutted through, blood pebbling off the tip of my blade and leaving a thick crimson trail along the tiled floor. Nia stood in the corner, sipping at a mug full of a pleasant-smelling gold liquid. She jumped up as she saw me.

“Hey,” I grunted.

“How did it go?” asked Nia, staring at the blood on my sword warily.

“Great, other than the burn,” I muttered, indicating my bloody shoulder. “Silverwing ain’t exactly gentle when it comes to being turned in.” I sat down and grabbed my own mug of ale, courtesy of the bartender. I had to hand it to the guy, he could clean up fast. No evidence of the fight remained.

“Yer quite the bounty hunter, kid,” the barman said. “Name’s Tipsy Hoof, by the way.”

I took a long swig of ale. The taste wasn’t as bad as I expected. Quite mild, actually. The few sips of alcohol I’ve ever had actually pushed the feeling of drunkenness onto me, but I barely felt anything from the drink.

“Wow, that’s good.” Nia nodded beside me. “Mild flavor, hint of froth, pleasant aftertaste. You, my long-faced friend, are a good man.”

Tipsy snorted with approval. “Well, as thanks fer getting rid of those ruffians, ya get free drinks for life. I ain’t seen nobody in my life that handled those bastards that easy.” The rest of the people in the tavern cheered and rushed to the bar. I chuckled, grabbed another mug, and stood. Nia and I stayed on for a couple more hours, only getting up when I actually felt a little tipsy and the sun was high in the sky.

“Nia, let’s get going. I have a feeling we won’t be able to stay in this town for long.”

“What did you do?” Nia asked with a mixture of exasperation and confusion.

“I’m not going to say, for fear that you might tear my face off,” I deadpanned. Her mouth twitched and she rolled her eyes, but followed me out of the tavern nevertheless. I spread my wings and spasmed into the air, ignoring the burning sensation in my shoulder.

The carriage containing Shining Armor and Cadence rolled out of the forest, right next to an inconspicuous town. Armor signaled for the chariot to stop. The royal guard was certainly on edge, and wanted nothing more than to return to the Crystal Empire, but they reluctantly slowed to a halt. Armor stepped out into the sunshine, wincing slightly at the light. Cadence soon followed, her wing wrapped in a splint. Armor led her to a tavern.

“Shining, you do realize we’re trying to find whatever blew up the forest, not a hangover?” said Cadence in a monotone.

“Taverns are some of the best places to get free information,” Shining retorted. “There’s enough drink in there to get a pony plastered into killing somepony.”

Cadence shivered at the thought. Being the high-class person she was, she hated the idea of killing and death. She had never even attended a funeral. Knowing that there were ready and willing assassins nearby made her jumpy.

Armor shrugged the tavern door open to a very strange sight: the patrons were singing merrily, waving jugs of ale around like no tomorrow. The bartender was calling, “Free drinks for the rest of the day! Come and get ‘em, ladies and gents!”

Armor walked over and sat at the bar. “What’s the special occasion?” he asked suspiciously. The bartender gave him a wicked grin.

“Well, a friend of mine just stopped by, and he pretty much just saved this town,” the barman barked. “Caught Silverwind the griffin, you know. Kicked his and a few other criminals’ asses. Didn’t even get a scratch on him.”

Shining Armor was stunned. He had heard of Silverwind the griffin, just like every member of the Royal Guard. Silverwind was a notorious arsonist, burning the town of Detrot to the ground and killing over a hundred ponies. The fact that this “friend” had captured him and turned him in, alive, was a feat so unbelievable Armor wanted to hire this pony on the spot.
“Where is this pony?” he asked hurriedly. The bartender laughed uproariously.

“He ain’t a pony,” the unicorn said. “At first I thought he was a Diamond Dog, but he was too tall fer that, and I ain’t ever seen a Diamond Dog that could speak more than two syllable words. He was like a mish-mash of stuff. He had a pony’s intelligence, the shape of a Diamond Dog, and I coulda sworn I saw a few feathers in there somewhere. He had this sword, too – I ain’t ever seen anything like it. Absorbed a full on blast from a unicorn, then turned it into fire and shot it back.” Armor immediately became suspicious again.

“Do you think he could have caused that explosion in the forest not too long ago?”

“Now that I think about, he probably did,” the unicorn said thoughtfully. “He was definitely civilized. Could read and everything. When he was attacked, though, he was a beast. Used that sword as good as anyone I’ve met, and chopped off Silverwind’s wings. There’s no doubt in my mind that he had the power to blow a good quarter of the forest away, especially with all that flammable gas in the air.”

“Do you know where he went?” Armor grilled.

“No idea. He might’ve told the local outpost, though. He went there to collect the bounties, stayed here for a couple hours, and just took off with a friend.”

“Thank you, sir.” Shining then got a strange grin. “Royal guards aren’t supposed to drink, but…?”

“Of course, lad!” the barman said happily, slamming a mug of ale down on the counter. “Like I said earlier, free drinks fer everypony today!”

Shining Armor came out of the tavern a few minutes later, a slight red tinge in his face. Cadence narrowed her eyes as she saw his crossed ones.

“You were drinking, weren’t you?” she deadpanned. Shining nodded in embarrassment.

“Well, I know where we need to go. Guards, to the military outpost.” Everyone nodded and set off in search of the town.
The group reached it about ten minutes later. The ponies of the town bowed when they saw Princess Cadence and Shining Armor. Shining narrowed his eyes in agitation.

“I really hate the fact that they bow every time they see us,” he whispered. “I’m getting sick of ponies not just talking to me like a normal creature.”

“You’ll get used to it,” cooed Cadence. They trotted through the town, occasionally greeting a citizen and waving to an old acquaintance. They eventually stopped before a dark blue building with a gold trim at the corners. Shining Armor unlocked the door with his magic and stepped inside.

He nearly passed out from what he saw.

Blood was spattered everywhere –along walls, pooling on the floor, congealed stalactites drooping from the ceiling. In the center of the crimson room was a pile of red unicorns alongside a myriad of unconscious creatures. Shining Armor knew that there were no red ponies in this branch of the army and gagged at the realization. A gasping, curled up unicorn was rocking in the corner of the room. Armor treaded across the puddles of blood carefully before approaching the stallion.

“Soldier, are you alright?” he asked soothingly. The guard looked up and began quivering violently.

“Captain Armor, I’m sorry you had to see me at such a bad time,” he choked out. Armor chuckled, momentarily losing track of the task at hand.

“It’s alright, soldier. You mind telling me what happened?”

The unicorn shuddered for a moment, then steeled himself and began to talk. “Well, it was a normal day. One or two passing griffins brought us a bounty, and we paid it. But then the strangest creature I’ve ever seen walked through. I could only see part of its face, but it was smooth and pale; not exactly a Diamond Dog, but not exactly a pony either. It was massive. Standing on its hind legs, it must have been six hooves high. It came in with a bunch of criminals,” the guard indicated the pile of assorted creatures, “and asked for the bounty rewards. We refused; of course, we didn’t know what creature it was, and it was clearly dangerous to take out Silverwind. We couldn’t just have it running around. It never got angry –just kept a happy, cheerful tone while it drew its sword. I think it was made of pyrohydra tooth. It just effortlessly killed them all, one by one. A single wave of its blade took out three of our finest guards.”

Shining Armor was fuming now. How dare this creature kill anypony, no matter what it was? The guard noticed his expression and shakily held up a hoof.

“In all fairness, sir, the attack wasn’t completely unjustified. I assume it was dead broke, and we not only denied it 4300 bits, but mocked it about its appearance as well. I assume it was from a very violent place, and our taunts just set it off. I wonder what it’s doing right now…”

{Meanwhile}

“Who?”

“What country are you from?”

“Who?”

“’Who’ ain’t no country I ever heard of. They speak English in Who?”

“Who?”

You, motherfucker. Do you speak English or not?”

“Who?”

“Say ‘who’ one more time. I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say ‘who’ one more goddamn time!”

“Cooper, shut up!” Nia shouted. “And stop interrogating the damn owl!”

{Back to the task at hand}

“Regardless of taunts, it still killed a congingent of guards,” Armor stated matter-of-factly. “It looks like we’ll just have to cut this visit short. I need to find it.” He was caught off guard as the guard chuckled.

“You’ll never do that unless it wants you to. It has wings, and unless you have the Wonderbolts with you, it’ll leave you in the dust. You’re better off just looking out for reports of strange creatures on the way back to the capitol, sir.”

A small grin twisted Armor’s face. He was remembering a certain spell that Twilight had shown him on his last visit; one that would certainly allow him to keep up with the odd creature. He focused, feeling the magic torrent through his system. He shoved it into his shoulders, and with a burst of agony, it flowed out, coalescing into a flare of white dragonfly wings. He tested them, buzzing about the room experimentally. The guard looked on, surprised.

“Very impressive, sir. But if you don’t get going now you’ll miss him.” Armor’s eyes refocused, and he sped out the door like a pony possessed. Cadence was waiting for him, an odd expression on her face. He noticed that somepony had healed her wing; it was no longer splinted, and seemed to have regained its previous coloring. Armor flexed his own membrane wings and buzzed into the air.

“Come on, Cadence,” he said quickly. “We’ve got a criminal to catch.”

I trod along the only beaten path for miles. I had “borrowed” a map of the continent from the guard station, carefully wiping the blood off before showing it to Nia.

“Alright, let’s see here. We’re on the edge of the Black Marshes. I don’t think they should call it Black Marshes anymore, but that’s just my opinion.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if they did change it,” retorted Nia. “You blew away a good chunk of it with that stunt.”

“Anyway,” I grumbled, “We’re passing into the territory of… Equestria about now. Must be the native land of those horses. To our left is the Great Southern Rainforest, and to our right are the Ring Sea Islands. Apparently, they have zebras over there. So, I guess we work our way around Equestria, up and through the Dominion and Gem Fido, back down to the Volcanic Badlands, and back here for a nice good ale.” Nia was looking at me, impressed.

“You’ve really thought this through, haven’t you?” she said. I chuckled.

“Heck no. I’m just pretty good with strategy. You’ll need to keep an eye on me in Equestria, however.”
“Why?”

“Because one day I might just develop a taste for horse.” I grinned maliciously at the map and licked my lips. Nia just slapped me.

“Let’s get a move on, idiot.” She bounded off, me following close behind with blood trailing down my cheek. We wove through the thinning treeline, just before bursting into the clear and open countryside. I gasped at the clear air, drawing in several clear breaths. The air tasted much cleaner than the marshy wind, and it was like honey in my throat. I ran forward again…
And immediately found my face against the ground.

I groaned and looked up. Nia was a good twenty feet away, laughing her finely sculpted ass off. I turned to find just what in the hell was stupid enough to get in Road Runner’s way.

“Tiny rabbit thing, you are about to die painfully,” I growled. The bunny coughed.

“Yeah, like that’s gonna happen,” he said in a disconcertingly deep voice. I stared. He stared back. I kept staring. He punched me in the face.

“Alright, who are you and why are you trying to kill me?” I asked. He frowned.

“The name’s Angel. As for the killing part, you’re wrong. I’m just pissed off.

“Are you a vampire?” I blurted. He shook his head. “Alright. That means Buffy can’t kill me for doing this.” I then proceeded to burst out laughing. I choked for air on the ground while the rabbit became increasingly agitated.

“Angel the bunny?” I tried, once my chuckles had subsided.

“Yeah. What’s it to you?”

“Nothing. I just never expected a guy to be so… feminine.”

“Call me girly again, and I’ll slap you so hard the last thing you’ll see is a pool of your own blood,” he snarled.

“You’re pretty cocky for a white guy who barely reaches my shins. By the way, what’s a rabbit doing with the ability to speak?” I asked.

“Are you kidding? I’ve always been able to talk,” the Angel said proudly. “No one ever notices, though. Those damn ponies can’t really comprehend a talking rabbit, so I guess they just interpret me as a squeaky rodent.”

“Wow, that must be rough,” Nia said sympathetically, coming out of her laughing stupor. “Having people completely disregard you, wherever you are.”

“Eh, I just ran away after a while,” Angel said. He waved a hoof towards the forest. “I’ve been living in there for a good two weeks now. It’s a pity, though. My old owner must be having an aneurism.”

“What? She has mental problems?”

“No, just slightly traumatized. Never could take a joke, that one.”

You know, I never guessed that within three days of coming here, I’d blow up a forest, slaughter a contingent of guards, and meet a talking bunny. Wait a minute.

Loading…

Load complete. Execute program: Get a new traveling companion.

“Hey, you wouldn’t happen to know your way around Equestria, would you?” I asked. He cocked his head and thought for a moment.

“I can show you all of the major towns around here, that’s for sure. We might as well just stop by my old home in Ponyville on the way. My old owner is probably having a fit, and I’m sick of her always keeping me in that stupid house.”

“Alrighty then. It’s time we ride off to the west!” I shouted. Nia sniggered and took off. Angel hopped onto my head as I dived into a nearby valley and snapped out my wings.

Ah, it’s good to be an alien.

Naming and Capture

Chapter 5: Naming and Capture

Angel, Nia and I were flooring it across the skies, occasionally clipping a cloud or two. Did you know that clouds are semi-corporeal in this world? We passed a thin layer of cloud. The moment we emerged, it was like a gray veil was ripped from my eyes. Everything was literally brighter: the clouds, the grass, everything. The smell of lavender and jasmine invaded my nasal orifices, giving me a kind of heady giddiness. I should probably just land on the fields and take a nice, long nap…

I slapped myself and shook it off. No. I had a job to do, and even if I was employed by the jaws of Hell, I was damn well going to do it. I looked over and noticed Nia getting woozy too. There was probably no chance I could maneuver my way to slap her, so I told Angel to climb along my wing and guide her down. He did just that, braving the 60 mile-per-hour winds in order to pound Nia’s body to a lower altitude. We eventually got her down to land. I stared at her for a moment, looking her over like a technician. There was a vacant smile on her face, and she was leaning backwards, as though to sit back. I shook her. She didn’t respond. I slapped her. That didn’t work either.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” I shouted. “You got any ideas Angel?”

“Well, I suppose she needs a big shock. I’ve got one idea, but she’ll probably kill you afterwards.”

“I’m not groping her,” I immediately stated.

“No, nothing that dramatic. But…” he whispered his plan in my ear. I felt my eyes widen for just a moment, but quickly contracted them.

“You owe me free sweets for a day,” I said simply. He shrugged and nodded. I turned to Nia, and without missing a heartbeat, I pressed my mouth to hers.

Her reaction was immediate. Her eyes refocused, widened, then flared with embarrassment. Her cheeks burned a bright crimson color. I pulled away, surprisingly satisfied with the kiss. She blanked for a second before beginning to blabber incoherently. I smiled a little and shook my head.

“Come on, I’m not that bad of a kisser, am I?” I asked, faking hurt. She noticed, unfortunately, and I soon found my face in a pile of dirt.

“Never do that again without asking me, got it?” Nia hissed. I got up and rubbed my forehead, trying to locate the small bump that was undoubtedly there.

“Well excuuuuse me, princess,” I complained. “Jeez, the next time you want to sink into a giddy stupor for the rest of your life with no chance of getting out, tell me, okay? I’ll be sure to leave you here, smiling like an idiot who’s having a constant orgasm.”

Nia slowly realized her predicament. She turned red again. “Oh, jeez. I should be thanking you, and here I am kicking you to the ground. I’m sorry, Cooper.”

“Ah, don’t sweat it.” I waved a hand. “In all fairness, that was a little bit uncalled for. Wasn't it, Angel?” I glared at the rabbit, who snorted and settled back down in my hair.

“Oh, please,” he said. “Don’t act like neither of you enjoyed it.”

“He’s right.” I grinned. “That was delicious.”

“You’re just mocking me, aren’t you?” Nia still had a faint blush, but for the most part had an expression of amused annoyance.

“Guilty as charged. Now then, kitties and gentlerabbits, let us fly!” I shouted. We took off, Angel hanging for dear life onto my head, Nia laughing along with me as we rose. I took a quick note of the surrounding countryside. A small town was just barely visible through the rising sun, and while the glare from the ball of fire was blinding, the surrounding countryside was still clear. Hold on a moment…

Sun is made of fire.

Fire gives off energy.

Energy is absorbed by sword.

“HOLD IT!” I shouted. Nia stopped and stared at me as I spiraled down into a nearby field. I slipped the sword from its sheath, trying to figure out how to approach my theory.

“Hey, what’s up?” Nia asked as she landed.

“I have an idea with the sword. You remember how it absorbed that unicorn’s blast at the tavern?” she nodded. “Well, if my theory is correct, I should be able to use the sun as a direct power source. I just need to figure out how…” as I talked, I absently inspected the sword. My focus slipped, just for a moment, and everything vanished.
What remained was incredible.

A kaleidoscope of light splayed across my vision. The basic outline of everything was still there, but I could see a vibrant, thrumming pulse flow off of it all. I looked up. The sun was a flare of golden light. My sword, even against the harsh glare, was a pure white color that tore the other colors from everything around it.
My real vision came back with a ringing blare of solidity. Nia and Angel were looking at me with some concern.

“Did… did you guys just see that?” I asked shakily. It was like my eyes had been stripped away of any and all lies, leaving only the bare truth behind. It was so awe-inspiring, a normal man (or pony for that matter) would probably be driven insane by the sight. As it was, I had to blink several times to convince myself I wasn’t dreaming.

“Uh, what exactly were we supposed to be seeing?” Nia asked hesitantly. I shook my head and gripped the blade once more.
I let everything blank.

There it was again.

Just like before, color whisked all over the place. This time, though, there was a subtle difference in the sword. It had gained a small amount of color. Barely noticeable, I admit, but color nonetheless. And the main source of power was…

“There we go,” I murmured. I concentrated, bringing the new perspective into startling clarity. A sudden torrent of light rippled into the sword from the bright ball in the sky. Soon the blade was a deep orange, seemingly unable to become any fuller. I slowly shut off the new “Sight”, as to not disorient myself when I returned. Nia and Angel were still in their spots, slightly worried now.

“Alright,” I huffed. “Let’s try this. Stand back.” They complied as I brought the blade to rest in the air in front of me. I swung it at a slight angle, and a stream of yellow fire flared from the edge. It whipped around in an arc before disappearing back the way we had come. I placed the blade back into its sheath, marveling at what I’d just done.

“Wow,” Nia said after a little while. “That was the biggest shot you’ve pulled off so far.”

“Yeah,” Angel agreed. “It even looks like the sword’s got some juice left in it.”

“That’s because I was holding back. Releasing all that energy in one go would not only tire me out, but probably burn this field to cinders. Nia, your father has some scary skill when it comes to making magical weaponry.”

“So, what are ya gonna call it?” Angel asked. I cocked my head.

“Hmmm… something that sounds awesome, not overly fear inspiring, but still intimidating. Hungry flame is a good one, but that doesn’t sound cool. Maybe if it’s in another language…” I tested Latin, Korean, Chinese, and several others before coming to a conclusion. “How about… Lasair Ocras? Lasair for short.”

“What kind of language is that?” Angel asked.

“Irish,” I replied. “Not too weird, not too lame. It’s good.”

“Well, I, for one, like it,” Nia said. “But now that that’s out of the way, can we get a move on? I’m beginning to get impatient.”

“Alas, good sir,” I said to Angel. “The mistress is becoming restless. Let us make haste, for if we do not, grave consequences will fall upon us both.” I smirked as Angel burst out laughing. Nia took the opportunity to slap us both with a wing.

“Grave consequences is right. Now get in the air before I kill you both.”

Shining Armor and Cadence buzzed the fields, checking over every nook and cranny for a tall, cloaked figure. The town of Ponyville glimmered only a few miles away, a small shadow against the setting sun. Armor hovered over to his wife, a determined, yet angry, expression on his face.

“We’ve been searching like this for a day and a half now,” he said irritatedly. “If this keeps up, we’ll never find it.”

“Calm down, dear,” Cadence said. She gestured towards Ponyville with her horn. “It’s getting late, and we don’t have anywhere to sleep right now. Why don’t we check on Twilight and the others.” Upon seeing Armor’s doubtful face, she sighed. “Fine. I guess we can listen for unusual news as well.”

Armor grinned and nodded his head. “It will be nice to see Twilight after that Tailton mishap.”

So the two set out for Ponyville. Mere minutes later, they set down just outside of the town. As they trotted through the gate, only a few rather nubby ponies bowed. The others merely waved or nodded in their direction. Armor sighed in relief.

“Oh, thank Celestia,” he murmured. Cadence giggled.

“I told you it’d be fine,” she whispered back. The couple soon arrived at an absolutely massive tree with a door jutting out at the trunk. Armor lightly tapped against the door. There was a crash and a yell, then the door swung open. A small violet and green lizard stood in the doorway, looking guilty.

“I didn’t do anything, Twi! I swear…” he looked up at Armor’s amused face. “Oh… hey, Shining.”

“Hey, Spike. Is Twilight around?”

“Nah. Princess Celestia wanted to see her in Canterlot about a test,” Spike said casually. He let them in and set out a tray of iced tea and scones. “So what brings you lovebirds here?”

Armor chuckled. “Well, we were searching for a criminal on our way back to the Crystal Kingdom, but we couldn’t find a place to stay, and I really wanted to see Twilight.” Armor sipped at his tea thoughtfully.

“Haha, Twi expected you guys to come over sometime,” Spike said. “She set up a full size guest bedroom specifically for you two.”

“Well, that was very considerate,” Cadence quipped. She turned and headed towards the stairs. “Shining? Are you coming to bed?”

“No, not yet. Spike and I have a guy’s night to set up.” Spike grinned like an idiot and pulled out a quill and some parchment.

“Who’s coming?” he asked.

In the end, it was only Shining Armor, Spike, and a couple of Royal Guards that participated. They were in the middle of their fifth game of poker when a loud banging sound came from the balcony. Curious and wary, Armor told everypony to stay put and slowly approached the door to said balcony. Armor slowly turned the knob, then with a single heave, flung the door open. He was met with a confused looking creature that was staring at him with huge emerald eyes. It seemed to be akin to the cat species he had observed in the Great Southern Rainforests, albeit with a long cloak and a massive pair of feathered wings. Armor instantly remembered the conversation he had with the bartender. This creature was obviously the “friend” that he had mentioned to be traveling with the criminal. He immediately cast a knockout spell on the cat. It slumped to the ground,
unconscious, as Armor dragged it out into the room.

“Guards, Spike, give me a little help here. We’re going to catch a criminal.”

The Epic Rescue

Chapter 6: The Epic Rescue

I was completely exhausted. Angel and I had been going over the map all night, looking over our travel route. We were to pass through a town named Ponyville, which I had sent Nia to scout about an hour earlier. We took inventory of our remaining food and water. Angel even had the foresight to describe exactly who to avoid in Ponyville.

“Is it just me, or should Nia have been back by now?” I asked, swaying. Angel pulled a pocket watch from God-Knows-Where and checked the time.

“You’re right. She should have been here a couple of hours ago. While there’s a chance she’s still checking around, Ponyville really isn’t that big of a town; even being a rabbit, it only took me about fifteen minutes to hop from one side of town to the other. Is it possible she was caught?”

“If so, I don’t doubt those horse things will string her up. They’ve probably never seen a seraph before, and, to be quite frank, they’re racist.”

“Well then, what are we waiting for?” Angel said. “Let’s go get her and hightail it out of here.”

“Well, there goes our plan, right from the get go,” I muttered. “How did I know this would happen?”

Angel hopped into my hair, and together we set off towards Ponyville. I snapped my wings out and took a quick look at the town. It was peaceful, rather disturbingly so. After the effects of crossing the Equestrian border, I noticed just how happy-go-lucky this country was. The other countries of the world probably never got a chance to attack because the second they crossed the border they sank into a blissful stupor. Hell, if this place is anything like Angel described it, it was a rainbow-colored, cheerful North Korea.

“Alright, we’re right where nopony can see us,” Angel whispered from my head. “Land right behind that tree.” I did so, coming to a stop right on the edge of a huge treelike house. I could hear snatched of voice from the hollow wood.

“What are you gonna do now, freak?” someone said in a deep voice.

“Get your hooves off me, bastard!” my heart sped up a little. That was, without a doubt, Nia. She was the only thing in the universe that could openly talk back to a voice that deep. I slipped Lasair from its sheath and cut a small, triangular hole in the wood. Once it was done, Angel hooped through and I peeked for a moment. Nia was struggling against ropes, flailing and threatening to knock over the chair she was tied to. Several guard horses were taunting her, though it didn’t have much negative effect. I grinned a little when the determined fire burst to life in Nia’s eyes.

God damn, I am proud of her.

I snuck over to the closest door and slipped inside, leaning against the shadows. Angel peeked over the other wall and pointed to me, then a guard. I nodded, understanding.

“Hey, what do you – OW!” a guard screamed. Nia had managed to get a leg free and kicked the guard as hard as she could. In response, another lunged at her, cutting her shallowly along the side. Now that pissed me off.

Without hesitation, Angel and I lunged from our hiding places. He bit down on the nerve cluster on one of the guards’ necks, and they both went down. I personally slammed the pommel of Lasair on a guard’s helmet, then smacked the third with the flat of the blade. The two both slumped, unconscious.

“Nia, you okay?” I asked, cutting through the thick ropes somewhat carefully.

“Yeah, just a scratch.” She smiled weakly before flinching again as I ran my finger gently over the cut.

“Like hell it is,” I grumbled. “Angel, see if you can find some dressings around here. Nia, stop trying to be tough and keep your side elevated and pressurized.” They both nodded. Angel slipped out of sight while I tore a clump from my jeans and pressed it against the gash. The Sight flared of its own accord, and I saw a deep poisonous green color lacing the wound. Frowning, I gently laid the tip of Lasair against the blood, and the color slowly receded.

“In the name of Princess Celestia, you are under arrest,” a soft voice said from behind me. I grimaced. There was little to no chance I could take on anyone like this. Even without using the full power of the Sight, I could tell this guy was serious business. Seeing as I had plenty of experience with bullies, I knew when they were confident.

This guy was confident.

Angel bounced around a corner with a thick roll of dressings. He stopped and stared as he beheld the situation.

“Angel,” I murmured, hopefully snapping him out of it. “Tend to Nia while I take care of this guy.”

“Are you sure you can take him?” Nia whispered into my ear. “I’m nothing like you, and even I can feel the raw power radiating off this guy.”

“He’s gonna be a real problem, all right.” I sighed. “I have an approximately ten percent chance of beating him, a fifty percent chance of death, thirty percent chance of capture, and ten percent chance of escape. When Angel gets you all patched up, you leave with him, got it?” she started to protest, but I held up a finger. “No arguments. This is something that I have to do on my own.” She looked at me for a moment, furiously debating with herself. Then, finally, she nodded. I sagged with relief. I checked Lasair. It was fully charged, thank God.

I didn’t waste a second. Whirling, I brought Lasair Ocras up into a thin, precise arc of fire that burned against the near-darkness. The horse that was facing me brought up a shimmering barrier. He was large, about the size of a normal horse, with an alternating blue mane and an extra-long horn. I jumped to my feet and rushed him. He parried each strike of Lasair with his horn or a spell. I then made my first mistake.

I whirled my blade up, leaving my front wide open. The unicorn took the chance and slashed at my chest. A fount of blood spurted from it as blood seeped into my shirt. My One-Does-Not-Simply shirt was just ruined. Aw, come on!

I groaned and fell back as he then reversed the tide, hacking at me with every chance. In the corner of my eye, I saw Nia quietly leave the room with Angel in tow. Seeing my chance, I dashed backwards, leading the unicorn all the way to the top of the tree house. Once I was facing the highest balcony, I took my leave by means of the most badass exit in history. I turned towards the advancing unicorn and smirked. I spread my arms and dropped backwards, falling back into the sky. At the last second, I twisted around and sent the rest of the fire to the base of the tree. It quickly caught, and I lurched away under the cover of smoke.

I hobbled to a small marketplace, the meeting place that Angel told me to find. He and Nia were standing there in the open. Well, I say standing. Angel was actually flailing about in the hooves of a yellow-cream pegasus while Nia watched, bemused.

“Hey, guys,” I said casually, hiding the slash along my torso. “Angel, I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.”

“Shut up… and help me… dumbass!” he choked, all the while being smothered by the pegasus. I plucked him from her hooves and placed him on my head.

“Thanks,” he panted. I nodded.

“Anytime. Now that we’re out of this mess, what say we fly away into the night?”

“Good with me,” Nia quipped. I tensed to take off.

“Angel?” a soft voice called from behind me. “What are you doing with Angel bunny?” I turned, and instantly regretted it.
This horse thing was diabetes-grade adorable. It took all the manliness I had to back away as she came closer.

“Angel, who the bloody hell is this and why do I have to sudden urge to hug her?” I asked. He frowned.

“Don’t do that. You know the invisible barrier we passed on our way here?” I nodded. “She’s like that, except a hundred times more powerful. You touch her, you’ll probably die from cute overload. Her name is Fluttershy. She’s my old owner.”

“So this is the chick that completely disregarded your intentions?” I asked. “Fluttershy”, as she was called, looked to be combating fear and anger in her head. Angel shrugged.

“Not completely, but she babied me like hell. I just got pissed when I kept remembering she couldn’t understand me.”

“Angel, who are your new friends?” Fluttershy asked softly. He just sighed and started talking to her.

“They’re retards who can barely fly, much less actually fight,” he said briskly.

“Dude, if you don’t want to be skinned and in my stomach by tomorrow morning, shut the freak up,” I growled, just low enough for him to hear.

“So they need some food?” Fluttershy asked timidly. I sighed.

“You really didn’t understand a word he just said, did you?” I quipped. She flinched at my tenor voice.

“O-of c-c-course I d-did,” she stammered. “H-he told me t-that y-you were h-h-hungry, and that y-you needed some food.”

I laughed. “No. he said, in express words, that we were ‘retards who can barely fly, much less actually fight’. And if he’s lucky, I won’t be cooking him for dinner. You, good sir, have been entirely tolerable so far, but that… that just went too far.”
Fluttershy squeaked in fear. “Come on, you two. I have a unicorn on my tail and I’d rather get bandaged up before I bleed out.”

“Fine,” Angel said. Nia glanced down at my chest and made a face that said “I’m going to kill you for getting hurt like that”.

“Stop right there!” the shout came from behind me. Oh, what the hell is it now?! I whipped around and snarled. The white unicorn from earlier had somehow gotten out of the fire, and though his mane and tail were stained black, he seemed relatively unharmed. “In the name of the Royal Guard, you are under arrest. If you do not comply, I will be forced to detain you manually.” He said all this with a bored tone. That, combined with the boyish voice, really made me want to punch this guy’s lights out.

“Sorry about this, horse, but I’m afraid that can’t happen,” I snarled, before whipping Lasair around and sending a weak wave of fire at him. Fluttershy squeaked behind me. An opaque amethyst barrier blocked it.

It’s too bad the unicorn only looked for me.

The moment the barrier went down, Nia pounced. She latched onto the unicorn’s back and began tearing at the flesh. The unicorn rolled, shaking her off, but still giving me the time I needed. I dashed forward, flapping my wings just a tiny bit for some extra boost. I smashed the flat of the blade against his face just as Nia leapt off. He stumbled back, and Angel took the opportunity to repeatedly trip him as they went. Nia and I stood back, trying to assess the situation.

“It seems like he’s only adept in using magic. There’s no chance that he can actually use that horn as a competent weapon, but if we’re going to beat him, we have to get in close.”

“Why can’t you just use Lasair?” Nia asked.

“The sun is pretty much the only source of reliable power I can use with this thing. Besides, he’d just shield himself every time I – holy shit!” I bounced out of the way as Angel was sent flying across the town square (or was it circle?) The unicorn had a long gash across his back and apparently a broken leg. Nia bent over and grabbed Angel, stowing him in the now-wild fringe of fur on her head. It was at this moment when I heard a small gasp from behind.

“Shining Armor,” Fluttershy said strongly. I barely had time to react before she shot over and stared him in the eye. “How dare you hurt Angel bunny!”

Armor, as he was apparently called, gulped and backed away slightly. His horn flared to life, and in a flash of light, Fluttershy was gone. He shook his head before charging at me once more.

Unfortunately for him, never got there.

He stopped mid-dash, surrounded by a blood-red aura. I looked around for the source. Judas was bent over, one hand
extended, the other on his knee.

“Get going, you fool!” he panted. The aura sputtered for a moment before coming back full force.

“Is it normal for Sponsors to interfere with their Players so much?” I asked, extending my wings and preparing to take off.

“Not… really… but… they’re all… mostly… gods.” Judas sounded positively exhausted by now. Armor was struggling against the force field with some serious effort. “I… don’t… have… such… restrictions. Now… GO!” just as I took off, the aura shattered, and Judas faded into the night. Armor shot several blasts of violet light at my team, but we managed to get above the clouds unscathed.

It was about an hour before we had to land. The adrenaline from the fight finally flushed from my system, and my muscles unclenched. I groaned in pain when the cut in my torso began to spray blood, staining the cloud layer pinkish red.

“Emergency landing!” Nia called, looking back at me and frowning. We spiraled to the ground, with Angel looking through our bags and pulling out first-aid stuff. The moment I landed, Nia rushed over to me and pulled my shirt off.

“Wow, Nia. If you were that eager you could have just asked,” I joked. She blushed and hit me. “Alright, that was uncalled for.” She and Angel set to work bandaging the various cuts and bruises on my body, taking special care to wrap the slash on my chest. I winced when Nia pulled the bandages taut.

“I don’t want you doing anything more strenuous than walking and flying for a week, alright?” she said in a strict tone. I grinned and winked.

“Does that include kissing?” I asked. She turned red and gave me a small smirk.

“It does, actually. If you’re going to touch my mouth, you’ll have to wait.”

“Damn. And I thought I could rub this in Angel’s face.” All three of us stared at each other for a moment before bursting into laughter. I name a sword, Nia gets captured, We rescue her, I get my chest torn open, We make a mortal enemy, and I’m apparently immune to adorable. All in all, not a bad day.

Temple Run

Chapter 8: Temple Run

The temple was seriously creepy. I mean, it was completely made of wood, and the moment the three of us entered, the doors slammed shut behind us. Even worse, Lasair was literally hemorrhaging power. The glow faded within moments, leaving us in total darkness.

“Uh, Nia?” I asked. There was a feminine grunt in response. “Can you see anything right now?”

“Not a thing,” was the answer. Well, shit. Cats had way better eyesight than anything else I had seen, but even they can’t adjust to total darkness.

“Let’s take stock for a moment, shall we?” Angel asked from somewhere to my right. I nodded, before realizing they couldn’t see me.

“Sure. No light, no plan, and minimal chance of surviving. How’s that?” I asked sarcastically. There was an audible slapping noise.

“You do realize you can use that freaky ‘Sight’ thing, right?” Angel said weakly.

Oh. I hadn’t thought of that.

“Let me try it.” I closed my already-blind eyes and tried to focus. Immediately, the telltale signs of the Sight began to manifest. I opened my eyes and stared at the deep earthy colors permeating the temple. Nia and Angel stood beside me, their outlines a vibrant shade of aqua.

The temple was a damned labyrinth, twisting every which way until the paths ran out of sight. I groaned as I noticed the visible patches of moving light here and there. Monsters, I was sure of it.

“Angel,” I whispered, “follow my voice and get in my hair. Nia, grab my hand.” I felt a shaking paw grab me as Angel clambered along my arm to my head. I realized that Nia must have been terrified. Of course, cats can see well in the dark, but total darkness, when you’re surrounded by your greatest ally and lost your most important sense? It’s a mixed feeling.
I carefully treaded across the floor, feeling for any bumps or cracks in the stone in case I tripped. The pulsating lights were getting closer. Damnation, if there were that many beasts running around, we wouldn’t have a chance of escaping! I traced my fingers along the inner edge of the wall. My instincts screamed at me, buzzing with the terrifying fight-or-flight instinct. Instead I did one of the stupidest and most genius things I have ever done.

I began to hum.

The moment the tune left my lips, I tried to clamp them shut. Another thought forced its way in, making me hum louder. This temple must have been built with crazy acoustics, so the sounds carried. But to where?

Instantly, all of the little pinpoints of light in the distance began to herd themselves away from us, congregating on a point just at the center of the wall matrix. That was probably where all the loot resided. I kept humming, but made a shushing sound in between the stanzas to deter my friends from making any noise. The song twisted through my head, and my lips twitched with some of the words.

“Take… all away… take it all away…” the lyrics jumped unbidden from my mouth as the lights increased their vigor. As soon as every living creature was away from us, I surged forward, the cacophony of sound only furthering the beasts’ confusion.

“Cooper, what’s happening?!” Nia shouted. She sounded absolutely terrified.

“I made a distraction, that’s what!” I yelled back, pulling her into a side room. Angel hopped blindly until he bounced into my leg. I placed him in the pocket of my jeans and turned to Nia. Even though I couldn’t see her, I could clearly feel her shaking against my side.

“Never pegged you to be afraid of the dark, Nia,” I said. She smacked me on the arm, her claws drawing a deep furrow of blood in my flesh.

“Alright, I deserved that one. Now, I need you both to listen, because I’m not going to repeat myself. I’m going to charge in there and toss my sword. I think I can still see a little light in the core, like a base charge. Angel, Nia, the minute I give the signal, run like hell. I’ll grab whatever treasure is in here, then meet you outside.”

“Are you crazy?” Nia hissed. “There’s no way in hell I’m letting you get almost killed again. What could be in here that’s so important?”

“A link to my world/realm/dimension,” I whispered. “Think about it. The language on the doors was inscribed by a language native to my people for more than two thousand years. I wanna know just how the hell this stuff got here.”

Nia seemed to deliberate for a long time before finally sighing. “Fine. I won’t be able to save your life, so don’t die or I’ll kill you.”

“Thanks, Nia.” I was about to turn and get old Lasair ready when I felt something warm and soft on my cheek.

“I mean it. Stay safe,” Nia whispered. I heard the quiet patter of her paws against the stone floor, but it didn’t really register. I was just kissed by a catgirl. Call it some strange fetish or whatever, but I’m actually pretty cool with that.

I managed to snap myself out of my trance and induced the Sight once more. The unknown creatures were beginning to prowl around the labyrinth once more. I only had one good shot at it, so I swung Lasair around a few times, building up momentum. At the apex of its swing, I let it go. I tracked the faint gleam of magic in the sword as it faded into the darkness. I raised my hand and closed in a fist, willing Lasair to erupt once more.

And erupt it did.

There was a blinding flash of light and a supersonic bang. If I hadn’t been remotely expecting it, I would’ve been deafened by the sound. As it was, my ears were ringing for several minutes after the explosion. After the initial burst of light, I could see thousands of fragments of white-hot metal scatter in every direction except mine. Several of them hit hidden torch sconces, enabling me to at least see without the Sight. The other few thousand struck various monsters in various body parts, sailing straight through bone and flesh and going on to their next victim. After what seemed like an eternity, the screams and wails finally stopped, and I picked my head up to look around.

If the sconces hadn’t given me enough light to see by, the now-molten metal sticking to just about every part of the walls did. The labyrinth was illuminated in a cherry-red glow. I caught the visage of one of the monsters and froze, ice filling my guts. It was… a human?

Its skin was shriveled, and it was a few inches shorter than average. Not to mention the rotting teeth, eyes, and organs spilling out of its body. Nevertheless it was still a human. I could clearly see the bone structure, and though I hadn’t found a college major yet, I had sat in on more than one anatomy 101 class. The only problem was… what the hell was it doing here?

I believe I can answer your question, young one.

I froze. There was a voice in my head. Now, I’d normally be fine with a voice in my head; it’s usually my conscience, telling me things like “Cooper, you shouldn’t have any beer at this party”, and “Cooper, this is England. You should be driving on the left side of the road”. No, this one was different. It was much more feminine, and was that a little sexy husk I detected?

Yes. Yes it was. If this voice is not appealing, I can change it. Perhaps you’d like something a little more sensual?

“No, no, I’m good!” I shouted. “I’m really fine!” the voice in my head giggled, its air now turning cutesy and childlike.

You’re quite the strange human, aren’t you? Most of them jumped to attention at anything to do with sex, and it didn’t take long to convince the others.

“Please tell me you’re not Aphrodite,” I said. Well, it was really sort of begging, but that girl has some serious OP stuff at her disposal. “I do not need a visit from the goddess of love right now. I’m kind of just getting out of a life or death situation."

I know. I can tell, considering that you've blown up great-auntie Gaia’s temple.

Gaia? Where had I heard that name before? World History? No, World Religions. Greeks, Gaia, Zeus, Demeter…

“Persephone,” I whispered. The voice giggled again, but this time it sounded a little less teasing and a little more impressed. “That’s who you are, isn’t it?”

I am not just Persephone, Cooper. While names have great power, they are but a tiny part of who we are. Tell me, why have you come here? Is it to seek power, or fame, or glory? Or maybe an honorable death? A test of strength, perhaps?

“Honestly, I was just a bit curious,” I said. “How the hell did a temple for Terra –sorry, you’re the Greek version. It’s Gaia- get in a land of fucking horses?”

I had something to do with it. I tilted my head in confusion, hoping she would catch the gesture and explain.

You see, my mum, Demeter, got sick and tired of Hades wanting to play bondage with me, so she locked me in here and told me to wait. She never came, though, and eventually I just started to make walls around the treasure. It was a bit of fun, but then the Romans broke in.

“I can see that,” I murmured. “But why are they zombies?”

The voice tinged with a little embarrassment. Um… Well, you understand, right? It had been a couple hundred years, and I was, and still am, going through puberty, you know? Gods kind of have this tendency to drain the life of whatever they’re… doing, as it were.

“Okay.” She seemed surprised by my answer. “I mean, I would have done the same thing in your situation, y’know? A bunch of big, strong Roman men, sitting there gullibly. They were probably sex-starved anyway, it only makes sense that you’d want to-”

Stop it! Persephone whined. You’re making it worse!

I snickered. “Sorry, couldn’t resist. But let’s get back on the topic that doesn’t involve sex. You said something about a treasure?”

Oh, that’s right! Yes, great-auntie’s ring is in the center of the maze. I can lower the walls for you, but you’ll need to pay a price.

Should have expected that. I was surprised I didn’t, in fact. “I’ll pay the price. What is it?”

This. All of a sudden, chlorophyll-green motes of light began to converge on the spot in front of me. When the glow finally died, I beheld a girl that looked to be in her mid-teens; about my age, actually. Her long, chocolate hair fell down to around her thighs, while her bright green eyes looked up at me hopefully. She wore a white sundress decorated with roses, which showed off her rather modest features nicely. Her cream-colored skin was smooth, and held no traces of the average acne that a normal teen would get. I supposed there were perks to being a god, after all.

Without warning, Persephone grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me in, kissing me. I felt some of the strength in my body leave me as her tongue darted around my mouth. I understand about the life-force-sucking thing now. She explored for a few seconds, then broke the kiss.

“What… what was that for?” I asked, out of breath. Not that it was a bad thing; it was a good thing. A REALLY good thing. She tasted a lot like honey. The might have been a bit of strawberry in there too, along with just a hint of olive.

“Are you kidding?” she chirped. “That was the first kiss I’ve given a cute boy like you in a good two thousand years! Besides, I like you. You’re nice and funny, even if you teased me about my… you know.” I resisted the urge to glance down and looked her straight in the eyes. I offered my arm, and she looped hers with it.

“Shall we go, lady Persephone?” I asked in a posh manner. She giggled.

“I do believe we shall.”

It took only a few minutes to reach the middle of the temple. It probably would have only taken thirty seconds, but
Persephone was spending a lot of time jumping around and generally enjoying having a body. I had to rap her on the head a few times in order to snap her out of it.

“Come on, can’t you just wait for five more minutes?” she begged, pouting up at me. I fought off the weapons-grade adorable and shook my head.

“Not when I’ve already waited for ten. Now come on, I wanna see this treasure that Gaia has.”

“Fine.” She crossed her arms and huffed, though she was smiling. She led me to the center of the temple: a raised pedestal made of twisting wood. On said pedestal was a little gold cushion upon which sat a ring. It was wrought by what looked to be pure silver, while a sapphire was locked within the tendrils wrapping around it.

“So, this is it?” I asked, picking it up. Persephone nodded.

“The Anulus Veritas. It was made by my uncle Heph, but he didn’t like it and threw it away. It’ll hold all the magical power you need, and now you don’t need that sword to do magic.”

“Really?” I asked, surprise flitting across my face. She nodded. “I’d better try this out, then. Aqua!”

The ring lit up in blue, and a stream of water shot up like a geyser from the pedestal. I swung my hand around, and the water followed. I cancelled the spell, admiring the ring and allowing the water to fall to the floor with a splash.

“This is pretty sweet. Thanks, Persephone,” I said. She absolutely beamed.

After toying with the Anulus for a few more minutes, Persephone led me to the entrance of the temple. It was a lot bigger than I’d previously thought. It was almost as if it were bigger on the inside than on the outside. I could see faint vestiges of light coming from a crack in the door.

“Well, this is it,” I said. “It was fun meeting you, Persephone.”

“Be sure to drop by once in a while. I could help you with some… problems.” Her voice took a turn for the dirty as her sentence ended, and I decided that physical pleasure was not worth becoming a zombie. Even if it was from a goddess.

“I’ll think on it,” I said, trying not to sound horrified by the idea. She winked and waved as I took off towards the clouds.

Today’s checklist: Get a magical item from an ancient temple, find a semi-lustful goddess and learn that Nia’s afraid of the dark. Not a bad day today either. I think I’m getting good at this whole Chess-piece thing.

The Demented Forest of Magic Death

Chapter 7: The Demented Forest of Magic Death

It had been a week since our little adventure in Ponyville. Nia finally allowed me to take my bandages off, thus allowing me to breathe again. Angel met a fine lady rabbit, and Nia and I nearly had to knock him out to get him away from her. We caused a ruckus in another town by the name of Trottingham, and made off with a handsome sum of money from bounties and only 3 deaths on our consciences.

There was a noticeable change in my mindset as well. After that first guard I killed, every death became a little clearer and focused in my memory. I began having nightmares about those people I had killed. Murderer’s Guilt, I think they called it in Psych class. I woke up every night either gasping for breath or beaded in sweat. I kept telling myself I would only fight for self-defense from then on. Then, my mind would wander to a situation where Nia or Angel got kidnapped, and I would grit my teeth in the effort of not slaughtering every living thing that got in my way to free them.

It actually surprised me just how fond I had grown of the two after just a week and a half. Nia was explainable; I’d saved her life, and I possibly held some feelings for her. Angel, I guess, was my wingman in this Technicolor world. Well, as close to a wingman as a rabbit without wings can be. He had taken Paco to be his new personal club, while I picked a lightweight knife for Nia. Hey, I can’t say it isn’t cliché, but she’s a ninja when it comes to killing people.

We were flying out in the countryside, skirting a deep, winding forest Angel identified as the Everfree. The moment the three of us touched down, the back of my neck prickled, and I felt a subtle pressure exerting itself on my body.
In other words, home.

I relaxed instantly, momentarily slipping back into my Earth mindset. Angel did the complete opposite and tensed like a coiled spring.

“Christ, I feel great right now,” I said. Nia raised her eyebrow.

“Seriously? Just ten minutes ago you were complaining about a constant headache.”

“I blame the bright colors. Besides, this place reminds me of Earth.”

“You really aren’t from this world, are you?” Nia asked. There was a note of resignation in her voice.

“Um, hello? Planet to Nia?” I rapped on her head, causing her to look up with a playful expression. “I thought we already established this.”

“Um… Cooper?” Angel said blankly. “You do realize that sounds like a crappy cover story, right? I mean, you’re from another dimension, sent here by a damned spirit, to fight in this huge Game that encompasses all of Equestria. That’s like the dog eating your homework, bro.”

“Hey, never underestimate a dog. Those things are the bane of my existence.”

“Again, Cooper, you do realize that you’re one third dog right now?”

“And there’s the universe’s twisted sense of irony. Angel, do me a favor and never get drafted by the gods. It fucks with your sense of humor. It really does. I mean seriously, Griffin the Griffin is a good guy and all, but his idea of funny is a little-”

o_._0_0_._o

NO! BAD COOPER! NO BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL! THAT’S DEADPOOL’S JOB!

“Alright, jeez. Just stop yelling in my ears.”

Sorry.

“No problem. The only problem now is how I’m going to explain to Nia and Angel that we’re just story characters, and not force them into an existential crisis.”

Hold the freaking phone. How do you even know about the fourth wall in the first place?

“Dude, I went to a school for geeks. I literally have all the Deadpool comics.”

Fine, just stop talking to me before Nia and Angel look at you weirdly! God, now I have to rewind the past five minutes of this terrible story. I swear, being an author is hard work. Am I right?

“Dude, shut up and get to the Reality Shifting.”

Alright. Bye-bye, Andrew!

“See ya.”

_-_-_ “.ay eeS” !werdnA ,eyb-eyB .thgirlA “gnitfihS ytilaeR eht ot teg dna pu tuhs ,eduD ?thgir I mA .krow drah si rohtua na gnieb ,raews I .yrots elbirret siht fo setunim evif tsap eht dnirew ot evah I won ,doG !yldriew uoy ta kool legnA dna aiN erofeb em ot gniklat pots tsuj ,eniF “.scimoc loopdaeD eht lla evah yllaretil I .skeeg rof loohcs a ot tnew I ,eduD” ?ecalp strif eht ni llaw htruof eht tuoba wonk neve uoy od woH .enohp gnikaerf eht dloH “.sisirc laitnetsixe na otni meht ecrof ton dna ,sretcarahc yrots tsuj er’ew taht legnA dna aiN ot nialpxe ot gniog m’I woh si won melborp ylno ehT .melborp oN” .yrroS “.srea ym ni gnilley pots tsuJ .zeej ,thgirlA” !BOJ S’LOOPDAED S’TAHT !LLAW HTRUOF EHT GNIKAERB ON !REPOOC DAB !ON

o_._0_0_._o

¬“-elttil a si ynnuf fo aedi sih tub ,lla dna yug doog a si niffirG eht niffirG ,ylsuoires name I .seod yllaer tI .romuh fo esnes ruoy htiw skcuf tI .sdog eht yb detfard teg reven dna rovaf a em od ,legnA .ynori fo esnes detsiwt s’esrevinu eht s’ereht dnA” _-_-_

Finally, all done. Now back to Andrew’s point of view. Dammit Deadpool, stop teaching teenagers about the fourth wall!

Hey, it’s not my fault Rob Liefield and Fabian Nicieza decided to have a little fun with my character deisgn.

Get back into Deadpool vs. Equestria! You are banned from my house until further notice.

Ha, I can just scare you into submission with my face.

Oh yeah? I can scare you more. Here’s a picture of MLP Luna and Rarity R34.

Oh, come on. It can’t be –holy shit!

Finally, we can get back to the story! Sorry for that minor inconvenience, and let us continue with the Twisted Truth and Lonely Lies.

I started feeling a bit strange, like the past five minutes of my life was erased by Angel’s comment. I decided I was going to retort with the greatest comeback mankind has ever known.

“Yo mom’s a dog!” I cackled and dashed into the forest, leaving behind my two very confused companions. I ran until I was exhausted, and when you’re a seraph, that’s about six or seven miles of nonstop sprinting. I panted, still throwing my occasional wheeze of laughter from the terrible joke I had used two minutes ago. I eventually got up and looked around. The forest thickened the farther I had gone, and now I was facing what seemed to be a temple made of trees. Seriously, it was like the witch’s hut in The Minish Cap, only a good hundred times taller. Branches wove in and out of the wooden walls, forming a lattice pattern that was impossible to keep straight in my head. A wooden message was carved into the front. It read:

“This temple was erected by the power of M. Y. Balls, in honor of the great goddess Terra”

The funny thing about it, it was written in Latin. I never knew there was Latin in Equestria. I glanced at the doors one last time, then turned as Nia, accompanied by Angel, huffed and puffed into view.

“My temple brings all the girls to the yard, and they’re like, it’s better than yours. Damn right, it’s better than yours,” I hummed. Nia just shook her head and tried to slap me. I hastily blocked, and due to her half-conscious state from running so much, I accidentally knocked Angel out of her fur.

“Christ, what’s got you two in a twist?” he growled. I noticed he had the faintest Welsh accent. Great, another Euro. Nia will never be able to handle the both of us.

“Look at the great temple of M. Y. Balls, and rejoice in its glory!” I mock praised, raising my hands to the sky. Nia rolled her eyes, but gave one of her trademark cute giggles.

“How do you know what this says, anyway?” Angel grumbled.

“Latin,” I murmured back. I got up close to the engraving. “Old human language. The odd thing is, it’s written perfectly. They didn’t even use lowercase letters or spaces. It’s like a Roman himself carved this.”

“That’s actually pretty weird. Even for us.”

“Damn right it is. Let’s go in.”

“What?!” Nia said, shocked. “Are you crazy?! There could be all sorts of dangerous things inside!”

“Exactly.” I twirled Lasair, its blade glowing faintly in the dark of the thick canopy. “If we get into a pickle, we can just burn the place to the ground. Besides, I want to get back to killing things that aren’t sentient. Watching ponies die isn’t exactly my idea of pleasant.”

Nia glared at me for another moment, then sighed and motioned for me to lead the way. Did seraph get periods? Only asking because that may explain a shit-ton of stuff. With that thought in my head, I pushed the doors open, and entered the temple of Terra.