Top Gear: The Pony Special

Chapters

The Track and the Drag
The Drift
The Dyno
The Switch and the Letter

The Track and the Drag

The show started like any other, the familiar notes of the Allman Brothers song playing as Jeremy Clarkson gave his unique exposition.

“Tonight: James gets blown away, I have a heart attack, and we find out who’s better, the Stig or the Pony.” The scene changing from both May and Clarkson being pushed over by powerful winds, to the three hosts looking shocked and appalled with Jeremy clutching at his chest, to finally showing the Stig next to a black 2010 Murcielago.

After the opening credits, the view pans over the audience applauding, going in to show the three hosts on the platform, Jeremy Clarkson and James May. May was standing there, smiling with his arms behind his back while Clarkson gave a wave to everyone. Soon, the applause died down, and the two turned to the camera.

“Right,” Clarkson started, “Welcome! We have a very special film for you tonight. Now as you may know, we measure a car’s capabilities with foot-pounds, speed, and just as importantly, pooowerrr.”

“Recently, our producers were contacted by some royals who’ve taken notice of our show. After the initial shock, the two groups came up with the idea to see which was better: Horsepower or Ponypower.”

“Are we really doing this?” James asked.

“How hard can it be?”

The roar of the engine cuts through the air, the black car speeding across the open track. The scene shifts to show Richard Hammond behind the wheel, grinning madly as he’s driving

“The 2010 Lamborghini Murcielago LP640. Combining supercar handling with it’s 631-horsepower V12 engine, it can go zero to sixty two in 3.4 seconds.” He says with glee. “And with the Stig behind the wheel, it’s the perfect car to use in today’s competition.”

The Italian car continued it’s way around the Top Gear Track, the engine being pushed for all it’s worth. Soon, though, it slid into a stop, the door opening upwards to show the driver.

“Though, what else can we say about it that we haven’t already before?” Hammond asked, unbuckling himself and stepping out the car. “What we don’t know much about though, is our rival.”

“She’s brash, she’s boastful,” He says as he walks away from the car, “And she’s a pony.”

A cyan pony with rainbow colored mane and tail fluttered down from the sky landing next to Richard, who was still looking at the camera.

“A pegasus pony, to be precise, and her name is Rainbow Dash.” he continues as the pegasus strikes a pose for the camera. “I swear the producers have run out of ideas.”

"Pff, I'm the best idea your 'producers' have ever had!" Rainbow Dash declared.

“Really, I don’t know much about these ponies, other than that Miss Dash here is one of three pony races, that of the Pegasi. The other two being Unicorns and Earth ponies.” He motioned at the pegasus, “As you can see, They’re extremely short, only barely coming up past even my waist. We’re told that, numerous times now, that Miss Dash is the fastest pegasus alive.”

“I’m the fastest thing alive!” the pony corrected him as James walked up to the two.

“Well today, we’re not only going to see if that’s true, but we’ll also be putting both you and the Stig through a series of different challenges. Seeing as how you are the challenger, we, that is Jeremy, Richard, and myself, will come up with the five challenges. The first is a timed lap around our track, and team Top Gear is up first.” May said.

“Which means,” Jeremy said as he walked into the shot, “we need to turn the Murcielago over to our tame racing driver.”

“Whoever that is better be prepared to eat my dust!” the pegasus said as she started to hover, a smug smile on her face.

“Some say that he is the seventh Element of Harmony, and he claims to be a Brony, whatever that means. All we know is, he’s called the Stig!”

The Stig took off to a fantastic start, tires catching quickly on the tarmac, with Jeremy narrating his progress.

“Here comes Chicago, looks a little wide, but he pulls through smoothly.”

Inside the car, the sounds of music could be heard over the sound of the engine.

“Well this is a change.”

The Stig shifted down as he went into hammerhead, gently feeding power as he went around the corner, opening up the throttle as he came out of it.

“Did that song really say ‘crack up at the creepy’?”

The Murcielago lifted slightly off the ground as it went into the follow through.

“I did not know they made a song about laughing at Captain Slow.”

Soon, the car went into Bacharach, the second-to-last corner, quickly turning into Gambon.

“And he’s crossed the finish line!”

The three men and the pony were standing beside the finish line, James stopping the watch as the Murcielago crossed the line.

“One minute, nineteen point five.” He said, reading off the result.

“Isn’t that faster than the last time we last time we had the Lamborghini on the track?” Hammond asked

“I believe so.”

“Okay Miss Dash, it’s your turn. Do you need to review the track layout or are you confident that you can remember it?” Hammond asked the pegasus.

"I coulda finished that before you finished talking about it," Rainbow Dash informed him, trotting over to the start line.

“On your mark!” James yelled, readying his stopwatch.

“Get set!” A labcoat wearing technician raised the flag up as Rainbow Dash opened up her wings, leaning forward.

“GO!” The tech dropped the flag as May started the watch.

Rainbow Dash took off, leaving only a gust of wind in her wake. The three hosts turned their heads as quick as they could to keep up with her takeoff.

“Oh cock.”

“That was pretty fast.”

“Told ya!” The pegasus said, sitting on the starting line. James, Jeremy and Richard turned to see her smiling. James, realizing she’d completed the track, quickly fumbled to stop the timer and read the time.

“Well? How’d I do?”

“Eight seconds.”

“What?!” Hammond and Clarkson both yelled.

“Well, that’s what I have on the watch, but since I wasn’t able to stop it in time, I’d say more like five seconds or so.”

“WOOHOO!” Dash cheered, jumping into the air and doing a few aerial tricks.

“I’m going to take a look at the slow motion.” Jeremy stated, making his way to the cameraman.

“Now that Clarkson has checked and rechecked the footage, had the cameramen triple check their equipment, and had a nice conversation-”

“I STILL SAY THAT WAS BOLLOCKS!” Jeremy yelled from outside the camera’s view

“- with the producers, it has been confirmed that Miss Dash completed our Top Gear Track in five point eight seconds.” Hammond said as he looked at the camera.

“Our next event...” He continued, visibly grimacing, “...is the quartermile drag race.”

Rainbow Dash was standing at the start line, looking over at the sports car. The Stig revved the engine, impatiently waiting for the technician to drop the flag to start the race.

A man in a lab coat walked onto the track, standing in front of the two competitors. He took the checkered flag and raised it up. The tension slowly filled the air, the Stig tightening his grip on his steering wheel. Rainbow Dash was strangely calm, humming a tune and smiling.

The flag dropped, the Murcielago pulling out in a cloud of smoke. As the smoke cleared, Rainbow Dash was still standing at the starting line, still smiling as she waved the smoke out of her face.

“What is she doing?” Jeremy asked, scratching the back of his head.

When the Stig had reached the halfway point, Rainbow Dash stretched her neck and wings, lazily taking to the air and speeding off, reaching the car quick and easily. The Stig briefly turned his head to see the pegasus, who waved before pulling ahead, crossing over the finish line a split second before the LP640 did.

Jeremy dropped his arm to his side before turning to his two cohosts.

“Right, gentlemen, I think it’s time we had a chat.”

The Drift

The three men sat at a picnic table, slowly and silently eating their lunch of burgers and chips. Off in the distance, the Stig could be seen standing by the Murcielago, arms crossed and not moving. Rainbow Dash, though, was trying her best to get a reaction out of the tame racing driver.

“We’re getting trounced,” Hammond said between bites, breaking the silence. “A blue pony is beating us.”

The other two nodded their heads.

“How?”

Jeremy dropped the fried potato piece he had just picked up, and grabbed a napkin.

“That in itself is an interesting story.” the tall man said. “During my conversation with the producers-”

“Conversation? I thought it was a yelling match.” James interjected

“-and they told me why they set up this contest. Apparently, their rulers took an interest in our quirky car programme.” Clarkson said.

“What, their Queen watches the show? I thought we were listed under trash telly.” said Hammond.

“Princesses, actually. Two of them. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, rulers of Equestria.”

“Is their castle in Ponyville?” James asked sarcastically.

“Canterlot. But there is a Ponyville, which is where Miss Dash is from.”

James groaned at the puns, covering his face with his free hand.

“Anyways, they love the show, and got in touch. Our producers first thought it was a prank. I mean, really, talking ponies?”

“We got our second Stig from the Stig farm, and the third as a baby in the manger.” Hammond countered.

“But after Princess Celestia literally popped into the Top Gear offices did they finally believe it. They wanted to give our show the honors of announcing to the world their existence.”

“But that doesn’t explain how we’re being beaten by a pony.”

“The Princesses selected her as their champion, to see how well she could compare to a car driven by the Stig.”

“Well she’s doing a right good job of beating him.” James said.

“Which is why I think we should stop focusing on speed, and turn to our usual tactics in situations like this. We cheat.”

“What, like with the Australians and the Germans?” Hammond said, smiling. “Oh I’m liking this.”

“Welcome back. After a meeting of the minds, we are ready to continue with our competition.” Hammond said, smiling like a madman. “Our next event is to see how much drift smoke each contestant can make while doing donuts. They’ll have thirty seconds to create their smoke cloud.”

Clarkson and May are sitting down at a hastily set up card table, several laminated sheets placed in front of them.

“Over there, we have our panel of non-biased judges ready to give out a fair score for their performance. Now, since Rainbow Dash is currently in the lead with 2 points, the Stig will go first.”

“Drift smoke? What’s that?” Rainbow Dash asked Richard, flying next to him.

“Well, to put it simply, it’s the smoke that comes from the tires when they rotate fast enough, the friction between the wheel and the tarmac being hot enough to produce it.”

"Tire smoke? I can't do tire smoke, but if it's smoke you want, it's smoke you'll get." the pegasus mumbled, walking off camera.

Richard’s face grew somber, hearing her.

“I don’t like that.”

The Murcielago whipped to the right as soon as the air horn sounded, quickly sending smoke into the air, obscuring it. Soon, the only way you knew it was there was brief glimpses of it and the roar of the engine. When the air horn sounded off to mark the end of the thirty seconds, there was a cloud the size of a small house was the Stig’s accomplishment. While the air cleared, the two judges spoke with their heads huddled together. While they did that, the Stig drove the car off the track to the nearby garage to be looked over for the next challenge.

After a few seconds of deliberation, they both searched for the cards they wanted, and lifted them above their heads. Jeremy awarded the Stig nine points, where James gave seven.

“If that’s what they gave that strange human for such a small cloud, then they should be really impressed with what I’m about to do.” Rainbow Dash said, walking to the center of the recently made skid marks.

As Richard lifted the air horn into the air, Rainbow Dash crouched low to the ground, her wings unfurled and pointed at the sky. She narrowed her eyes, watching Hammond’s finger tense over the button.

A full minute of silence went by.

“Oh come on!” Rainbow Dash yelled, coming out of her starting position.

Hammond then pressed the button, signaling the start.

“Oh horseapples!”

She shot straight into the air, the eyes of the cast and crew following her until they couldn’t see the cyan pegasus in the sky.

“I think she just forfeited this challenge.” Richard said, looking to the clear sky looking for her as he made his way to the judges table.

“Do either of you see her?”

“I think I might need some binoculars to even try to find her.” Jeremy answered.

The seconds ticked by.

“Do you hear something?” James asked, looking to his two friends.

A whistling sound was approaching, louder and louder. Richard, James, and Jeremy looked at each other, and back to the sky, catching a blue spec approaching fast.

The next few seconds were complete chaos. The blue streak hit the tarmac at the same moment a rainbow-colored mushroom cloud erupted where it landed, it’s blast wave spreading out. Camera’s jerked about, ripped from the hands of the cameramen. They kept recording as they went into the air, catching glimpses of the effects of the explosion. The hosts and staff were knocked backwards, the table, scorecards and debris flying through the air away from the growing cloud.

The cameras cut out and went to static.

We are experiencing technical difficulties
We apologize for the inconvenience

The Dyno

The camera cuts on to show James May, his hair messed up and his face sporting several small bandages and a serious face. In the background, Rainbow Dash was dancing as she was flying, the ground littered with debris and and cleaning crews at work.

“Due to the fact that Miss Dash broke several laws of physics, we can’t find our score cards. As such, I’m afraid we can’t give her a score.” he said.

“What!”

Rainbow Dash, true to her name, dashed into the foreground and looked James in the eyes.

“A zero?! That cloud was way more impressive than that Stick thing could do with his autowagon!”

“If you have a disagreement with the score the judges gave you, you’ll have to speak with Hammond to see about altering it.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s dead.”

“What? Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” she said, eyes wide, backing away out of James’ face.

“Sorry for what?” Hammond asked, limping onto the scene behind Rainbow Dash.

She turned around, confusion on her face.

“What the- but he just said- and you were- with- he said”

“What’d you say James?”

“He said you were dead!” Rainbow Dash answered.

“I got better.”

Without warning, the pegasus wrapped her forehooves around Hammond’s neck, giving him a tight hug, eliciting a yelp from the short man.

“Oh that’s tender!”

A small crater marks where the last event took place, and the air had a spicy flavor to it. Several people were helping pick up the trash, while several road construction vehicles and workers were starting to repair the damage done to the test track by Rainbow Dash. Elsewhere on the testing grounds, Jeremy stood before two machines, turning to see an approaching figure.

“I thought you were dead.” Jeremy said, looking at Richard as he walked up. The tall Brit was no more worse for the wear than the other two, sporting a bandaged nose and several small cuts.

“Contrary to popular belief, I’m not. Tell me you didn’t put out an open casting call to replace me just because I briefly joined the choir invisible.”

“Alright, I won’t tell you. What I will tell you is that in your absence, I’ve already set up the next event.”

“Which is?”

“I had to ask myself, ‘What does the Lamborghini have in spades that a pony doesn’t?’. It took some thought -”

“I don’t like that.”

“And then it hit me. Horsepower!”

Richard looked at his colleague, raising an eyebrow, “Exactly how long did it take for you to come up with that conclusion?”

“Hear me out and stand in awe of my genius. One mechanical horsepower is equal to some thirty-odd thousand feet-pounds per minute, correct? The Lamborghini has six hundred times that. A pony, being half that of a horse, should only have half of that. On top of that, while Rainbow Dash does have incredible speed on her side, she lacks strength.”

“What do you call the five metre wide crater she made?” Richard asked.

“Thus ensuring the Murcielago a point, bringing this competition to a tie. To test that, we’ll use the dynamometer.”

“The chassis dynamometer?”

“Yes.”

“The dynamometer that requires the tires to spin the rolling pin?”

“Yes.”

“Rolling pins that Miss Dash would obviously have trouble spinning of her own accord?”

“I’ve already taken that into account,” He said, turning to the other machine. This machine had a harness attached to several lengths of chain, which went into the machine itself. “This, is a dynamometer used to test the strength of athletes.”

“That looks quite expensive. Are we sure we want to strap Miss Dash to this?”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Don’t say that!”

“Our score so far is two to one, with Miss Rainbow Dash in the lead. She has won both the timed lap, as well as the drag race, while the Stig has won Top Gear a point in drift smoke.” Hammond said, “We have both the Stig and Rainbow Dash set on their respective dynamometers. We have no worries about the Stig, but for safety’s sake, we pointed Miss Dash away from any buildings or equipment.”

He walked up Rainbow Dash, already in the harness. “Are you comfortable?”

“It’s a little tight, but nothing I can’t handle.”

“Good to hear. Now, when I sound the horn, you’re to go as fast as you can for a full minute. This harness, connected to that machine, will keep you in place and measure the strength of your pulling.”

She grinned, “Pff, easy! I’ve got the highest wingpower in Ponyville!”

Richard glanced at the camera, “...Right, because that makes about as much sense as anything else today.”

“Just tell me when to start.”

“At the sound of the horn.” He reminded her, walking away from the pegasus. He was handed another air horn, as he made his way to James and Richard, who stood not far from the dynamometers.

The time started with the sound of the horn, the Stig accelerating letting the drive wheels spin the rolling pins. Rainbow Dash started flapping her wings, pulling herself against the harness as hard as she could. The three hosts looked at the displays of the dynamometers.

“Well that doesn’t make much sense.” James said, looking intently at Rainbow Dash’s display.

Jeremy looked away from the Stig’s display to look at James, “What?”

James declined to answer, mulling over his own thoughts.

Rainbow Dash pulled harder and harder on her harness, feeling it cut into her skin as she strained against it, her wings becoming a blur and the flapping a buzzing, drowning out the roar of the engine nearby. Sweat started to bead on her forehead.

Soon, the minute was up, and Richard blew the air horn once more to mark the end.

“Yeah, who’s bad? I’m bad!” Rainbow Dashed said, slowing down and landing, looking around while the technicians helped get her out of the harness. “Hey, careful with the wings buddy.”

She flew over to the three hosts, smiling triumphantly, “So? How’d I do?”

“You did exceptionally well, Miss Dash,” Jeremy said, “I think it’s fair to say that you surprised everyone here with your prowess. And without injuring anyone in the process.”

“Yeah, yeah. But what about the numbers? How many of these horse-thingies did I get?”

Jeremy smiled, “You topped out at four horsepower.”

“Yeah! I beat that autowagon! And I’m four times more awesome and powerful than some lame horse!”

Richard cleared his throat, pointing at the Stig’s display.

“What?” She turned to look, to see that the tame racing driver had clearly beaten her, having topped out at six hundred and thirty horsepower. She quickly turned back, glaring at Hammond.

“If you have any disputes with the results, you need to speak with Richard here.” Jeremy said, pointing at the man.

“What? Me!?” Richard asked.

“We still need to have a talk about the last event too.” Rainbow Dash said angrily.

The short man gulped, “I don’t like that.”

James and Jeremy stood, deep in thought while staring off into space. Yelling could be heard in the background, one forceful and accusatory and the other panicked and scared. The source of the yells dashed across the background, Richard Hammond running away from a dive bombing Rainbow Dash.

“She topped out at four horsepower, and held it around that range consistently, which is mind boggling to say to the least,” Jeremy said, looking to his cohost, “But what’s inconsistent is that this in no way explains that blast crater over there, nor her ability to survive that without a scratch.”

Clarkson nodded absently, still absorbed in his own thoughts.

“ And I would still like to know how she made the blast wave and cloud rainbow colored.” James continued.

Jeremy shrugged, “Magic? Their Princess did teleport and stand right in front of our Producers.”

“But she’s an Alicorn, not a Pegasus. I understand the Pegasi have some innate magic, but I highly doubt it covers,” James jerked a thumb in towards the crater, “that.”

Clarkson abruptly clasps his hands together, “I’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Role reversal.”

The Switch and the Letter

Rainbow Dash grumbled, “I still say that machine was rigged.”

She and her rival stood on the testing track, both of them looking in the camera’s direction, with the Murcielago and Hammond in between them. While the Stig stood with his arms crossed, his body language unreadable, the pegasus was clearly upset.

“I’ve explained horsepower to you during our, ahem, ‘lively discussion’,” The human said, “And you’ve submitted yourself twice more to that abomination.”

Rainbow glared at Richard, who flinched out of habit. He lifted his hands, palms out at her while tensing to run again.

“You even volunteered me to take that test, much to my dismay. I scored even lower than you did!”

The pony snorted, looking away, “Fine, all right. You want me to go easy on you. Whatever.”
Richard relaxed a bit, adjusting his suit jacket, “Anyways, our panel of judges have come up with something novel. Role reversal. We’ll have Rainbow Dash driving the Murcielago, while the Stig flies, and we’ll have them race one mile.”

“What? I can’t drive your stupid autowagon!” Dash exclaimed, turning back to Hammond. “And he can’t fly!”

Richard grinned, “As always, we’ve taken that into account.”

The camera pans out, revealing a Eurofighter Typhoon, a fighter jet of the Royal Air Force.

“Since he can’t fly under his own power, he’ll have the next best thing.”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow skeptically, “How can that thing fly? It doesn’t even look like it can even move.”

“With the help of science.”

The pegasus looked confused, “Okay, so if he’s getting help from some eggheads, who’s gonna help me?”

Hammond blanched, “Oh, umm, hadn’t thought of that. One tick.” He walked over to the two judges, who were next to the caterer’s cart.

“I think we’ve hit a bit of a snag. Who’s gonna teach her how to drive?” Hammond asked.

Jeremy held out a three straws in his fist.

Richard looked at the three straws, looked at the older man, and backed to the straws. “You’re kidding.”

“It’s fair.” James said, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Fair, right. I think that’s the first fair thing you’ve come up with all day.” Richard reached to grab one, as did James. Jeremy opened his hand to show his straw, as they each looked at each others straws.

Hammond nodded, looking to the two. “Right, I’ll go let her know.”

“So? Who’s it gonna be?” Rainbow Dash asked, taking to the air as she saw the short man returning.

Hammond took his previous spot in front of the Murcielago, turning back to the cameras.

“Well?”

“People of Britain, it has been an honour entertaining you. My last request is that BBC2 skip over the training, so as not to show you my soon to be gruesome death.” Richard Hammond says, a grave expression on his face.

A montage of shots is shown of the Murcielago with Richard’s voice heard as he was instructing Rainbow Dash.
“No no no, you depress the clutch and the brake before turning the key. Is it in neutral?”

The car lurches forward in one shot before cutting off, a grinding noise heard. “I hope that wasn’t what I think it was.”

The next shot cuts to the car moving slowly. “Alright, now press the gas.”

It shoots foward with a roar of the engine, “Brake brake brake!”

“WHICH ONE IS THAT?!” Rainbow Dash yelled.

The next shot, Rainbow Dash and Richard were sitting on the tarmac, leaning against the car, silently munching on some sandwiches.

The next shot shows the car fishtailing and coming to a stop, the engine cutting off and silence in the air.

“Right, I think I’m going to reorganize my list of fears, put you somewhere near the top.”

A shot shows that the sun was setting, the Murcielago sitting in place. Rainbow Dash had found out how to operate the radio, the rock music blaring from the speakers.

The interior shows the pegasus banging her head to the music, eyes closed and a wide grin. Richard was obviously trying to say something, but his yelling barely drowned out by the song. Thankfully, the BBC2 offices have lip readers.

“Could you please turn that down?”

[I’m an idiot. I’m rubbish as a teacher.]

“I really don’t want to give the producer’s a chance to put words in my mouth.”

[I learned to drive by reading the back of a cereal box.]

“Right, once more, then I think that’ll be enough teaching today.”

[James and Jeremy are fat foppish idiots as well.]

The last shot shows the car going slowly coming to a stop. The scene shifts to the interior, showing a very frightened Hammond in the passenger seat, hands braced against the dashboard and the roof, with Rainbow Dash looking at him.

“Hey, this is about your Pony autowagon against a pony, right?" She asks him.

“It’s a car, an automobile. Not an autowagon.” Richard mumbled, staring straight out the windshield, blood returning to his whitened face.

“Whatever,” the pegasus looked away in thought, unbuckling the seatbelt and opening the door, “See you tomorrow.”

Hammond slowly nodded his head, not taking notice of her absence.

The next day arrives to clear skies and good weather. Richard and Jeremy, coffee in hand, are seen standing next to a trailer that the Stig had just entered.

“Clarkson, did you know the Stig has a suit for flying?”

“Really? I did not know that. How does it look?”

The Stig steps out the trailer, wearing an olive green flight suit, helmet and oxygen mask still obscuring his face.

“Take a look.” Richard says, motioning to the Stig. “The Royal Air Force gave it to him as a gift. He says it makes him fly better.”

“He looks quite dashing, I will say that.” Clarkson said, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Guys,” Jeremy said, walking up to the two, “I was just informed of something.”

“What is it?” Hammond asked

“Well, there was an incident last night. Someone broke into our garages.”

“What?”

“Was anything taken?”

“I don’t know yet. I had asked, but I wasn’t told anyth-”
James was interrupted by a car horn, catching the attention of the three hosts. A car was approaching them. What looked like a car anyways. It had four wheels, what sounded like an engine, and it had a group of ponies on it. As it drew closer, the hosts recognized what they were driving.

It was the Murcielago. To say it’s been modified was an understatement. The top was taken off, it had no windows apart from the windshield. It’s boot taken off to reveal a missing engine, replaced by a platform above some tubes and a wooden contraption. What was left of it’s body was covered in various gems. There was a pony wearing a cowboy hat behind the steering wheel, while Rainbow Dash stood atop the platform flapping her wings. A lavender unicorn whose horn was glowing looked at the contraption, a pink pony and a yellow pegasus were holding pom-pom were sharing the front seat with a white unicorn, while two beige unicorns sat on the bonnet.
Jeremy, James, and Richard looked on in horror as the ‘car’ pulled to a stop in front of them. The two unicorns that sat atop the bonnet, their red manes covered by straw hats, jumped down and made their way to the camera.

"Greetings from Equestria!" they said together with enthusiasim

"He's Flim-" one said.

"He's Flam-" said the other.

"And we're the Flim-Flam brothers!" They announced together.

Rainbow Dash jumped from the platform, landing behind the two brothers.

“And together, we’re gonna own this thing!” She exclaimed.

Jeremy, James, and Richard though, weren’t paying attention to the ponies. Their attention was on what was once the Lamborghini, looks of horror upon their faces. Clarkson had clutched at his heart, while Hammond knelt down with his head between his knees. James was stammering, trying to find something say, holding himself up by bracing himself against the trailer.

Rainbow Dash turned to the show’s hosts, “You’ve got your team, I’ve got mine.” She turned back to the unicorn brothers, “Now boys, like we discussed last night, this clears you up with the Apple family for that whole cider thing.”

“You got it Rainbow Dash!” They both said in unison.

“These will be selling like apple hotcakes!” the mustached one declared

“Especially since it smells like apple hotcakes!” the other added.

“Awww, nice!” she gave them each a hoof-bump.

She turned back to the car, “Hey Twilight! are you ready for this!”

The lavender unicorn looked up from her inspection of the ‘engine’. “I’m not so sure this is going to work,” Twilight admitted.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” Hammond groaned, still crouching down.

“Ah, pucker up sugarcube! Flim ‘n Flam might be scoundrels, but they sure know how to build their contraptions t’work!” assured the stetson wearing pony.

“Now, I want you guys to meet my driving team.” Rainbow Dash said. She pointed a hoof to herself, “I’m gonna be the wingpower. The car moves as long as I flap my wings.”

“Twilight here is the gas and the brakes, so to speak. She keeps it moving, turning my wingpower into wheelpower!” she continued, pointing at the lavender unicorn. She nonchalantly shrugged towards the orange earth pony, “And Applejack is the driver.”

“Howdy!” Applejack said with a smile, tipping her hat at the three men.

“And of course, Team Rainbow Dash wouldn’t be anything without our cheerleaders! Let me hear you Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy!”

The pink pony, already bouncing in her seat, jumped even higher, “WOO! YEAH! GO RAINBOW DASH!”

The yellow pegasus looked to be cheering, her eyes closed tight and her mouth wide, but nothing was coming out of her mouth. Subtitles, though, took care of that.

[YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!]

“And our car designer, Rarity!”

“I did what I could darling,” the unicorn said, “It was a challenge to do anything to improve such an already beautiful autowagon.”

“Let’s get this race started!” Rainbow Dash declared.

With various words of agreement from the other ponies, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity all exited out of the modified Murcielago, taking their place next to the Flim-Flam brothers. Rainbow Dash strapped herself onto the platform, her wings starting the cars engine, while the other two drove it to the starting line by the fighter jet, the Stig already strapped in and it’s engines warmed up for the race.

James May was the first to snap out of his stupor. He turned to look at the other two shell shocked men.

“I don’t know about you two, but I feel I could use a pint right about now.” He said, turning and walking away from the race.

“Right behind you mate,” Richard sniffed, getting up. Jeremy nodded, turning to follow the others.

Back at the starting line, a technician raised up a checkered flag from atop some scaffolding. Team Rainbow Dash’s engine was ‘revving’, The pegasus’ wings fluttering in spurts.

The flag dropped, the autowagon pulling forward with Rainbow Dash flapping her wings for all she’s worth. The Eurofighter Typhoon was quickly moving as well.

They had just gotten off the starting line when the film cuts to the Top Gear studio, the audience applauding as the three hosts and the ponies shared the stage.

“Well,” Clarkson said, “I’m sorry to say but it looks like our viewers won’t know who won.”

“What!” Rainbow Dash growled

“RD, it’s all cool,” Applejack said, patting the rainbow maned pegasus.

“No, it’s not cool! These...‘humans’ have been cheating since we got here! I won’t stand for it!” She took to the air, accusingly pointing at the hosts. “You’re all a bunch of hacks!”
She snorted and flew over the audience and out the doors of the set. Everybody was silent.

“And on that bombshell,” Clarkson said, breaking the silence, “it’s time to end the show.”

The view pans out to show everyone on the stage, both ponies and humans waving to everyone.

“Thanks for watching!” They all said in unison, as the scene fades to the sound of applause and the credits start to roll.

The credits paused, the black background fading to a new scene, one of a very cartoonish library. Twilight Sparkle was floating a quill, while Rainbow Dash could be seen smiling in the background.

“Dear Princess Celestia,” Twilight starts, writing down the same on the parchment before her, “Friendship comes in all shapes and sizes, and in the past week, we made three new friends. These humans, Jeremy, James, and Richard, welcomed us onto their show, and we learned the difference between competition and entertainment.”

“It was fun,” Rainbow added, “And I hope we do something like that again.”

“Rainbow Dash, of all, learned that last lesson.”

“Not everything is a competition,” Rainbow said, with Twilight scratching her in, “And it’s important to realize when you’re in it to win it, and when you’re just there to play and have fun.”

“Is there anything you three would like to add?” Twilight asked her guests, “Wait, where’s Richard?”

“Where’s the loo?” Richard’s voice could be heard further inside the tree.

The camera shows Jeremy, sitting down on a couch and drinking some tea, and James, looking at some of the books on the shelves.

“We...” Clarkson said, before anyone or anypony could answer, “We should not have had as...much fun as we did...at Miss Dash’s expense.”

“It was... wrong to lead her on.” James continued.

“And make her think it was a real competition.... I, uh, I feel awful.” Jeremy said with mock indignation.

“Real bad,” James snorts, holding his hands behind his back like a schoolgirl, “It was really, heh, naughty of us to do that to poor Miss Dash.”

“Man, Human humor is weird.” Rainbow said, “But apology accepted.”

“Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.” The unicorn says, ending the letter.

“Your friend, Rainbow Dash.”

“Sincerely, Jeremy Clarkson.”

“James May.”

“And Hamster.” Clarkson said, answering for Richard.

Twilight rolled it up with her magic, and passed it to her assistant Spike, who then sent it with his magical fire.

“Miss Sparkle,” Jeremy asked, setting his cup down, “Is there a road leading to this ‘Crystal Empire’ from here?”

~Fin~