The Crystal Empire Can Wait

by geldon

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, King Sombra, Random, Sex
Length: 1621

This isn't how I remember The Crystal Empire! (Risque; written for a comedy ship fic competition.)

As Twilight and friends try to save the crystal ponies from Sombra as told during the two-part episode The Crystal Empire, things go just a bit differently this time.

[Warning: Somewhat sexually explicit. Not a clopfic, but it gets close. This was written for a comedy ship fic competition and is not intended to be taken all that seriously.]

Published 2012-11-16 19:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-16 19:10:01 UTC

Short Story

“There must be a clue where the Crystal Heart can be found somewhere!” cried Twilight Sparkle, as she galloped through the Crystal Empire library, “But where?!”

Having made her twentieth lap around the library now, she slowed down just enough to notice a side door emblazoned with the leering visage of King Sombra. "Ah hah!" she shouted triumphantly, kicking the door open with her hind legs.

On the other side of the door was but a mere antechamber. But sitting there, in the middle of that room, was a large podium containing an absolutely huge book, the largest Twilight Sparkle had ever seen. The cover was completely black except for Sombra's grinning face on the front of it, his eyebrows arched in open invitation.

Twilight Sparkle's heart skipped a beat. She cantered slowly into the antechamber and shut the door behind her. A click could be heard as her magic locked the door. She knew the moment she saw that book that they would need some time alone.

"Oh my~" came her coyish voice, as she ran a hoof down the spine, "your binding is so... thick..."

She ponderously opened the book with a belabored sound not unlike an exhalation of ecstasy. Inside the book was the most boring statistical data to be found on the Crystal Empire by anypony. There was no pictures, not even any diagrams! Just terse, tiny letters that read like a lecture from the most uninspired teacher ever.

Twilight sighed and let out a girly little titter, "Oh, King Sombre, I had you all wrong. You really know how to charm a girl..." Let Cadence solve her own silly problems, this was more important.

"Oh, I just can't do it Rainbow!" cried Fluttershy as she threw herself down on a hay bale inside of the gladiator's tent, her heavy armor rattling around her.

"Come on, Fluttershy!" reprimanded her rainbow-colored friend, "The Crystal Ponies are depending on us to keep their spirits up! Twilight's orders, remember?"

The dainty little cream-colored pegasus responded by covering her face with her hooves and whimpering. Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and stomped her hooves. At times like this, she could not help but feel a little twinge of anger and fear.

That little twinge was all that King Sombra needed.

Fluttershy looked up to see Rainbow Dash glaring at her, the fires of King Sombra's dark magic emitting from her eyes. "Rainbow! What... what's the matter with you?" She backpedaled and fell backwards against the wall that her hay bale was resting, exposing her creamy underbelly.

"Mmmmm!" grunted Rainbow Dash, her voice deep and guttural with Sombra's influence, "Tonight... the lance."

"Finest hoof-woven baskets you've ever seen!" cried Rarity over the din of the fair. She had, thus far, been turning a very brisk trade. Naturally! She was a wonder, after all.

Staring at her with heart-filled eyes, Spike certainly seemed to think so too. "Oh, Rarity!" He was feeling emboldened by the change from the usual Ponyville environs, and let a little something slip. "This is why I'm going to marry you!"

"Marry?!" the white unicorn took a few steps back from the purple baby dragon. The little creature often flattered her, and she respected him as Twilight's adoptive sibling, but perhaps he was getting a little too encouraged. She had best nip that in the bud.

"Spike, I appreciate your help, and you are a dear friend, you know that. But I really don't think marriage is ever going to happen!" She haughtily turned her nose up from him and said flatly, "You're a dragon."

Spike's face shifted rapidly from its open adoration to blank-faced horror as he realized he had just been dumped. His heart was naturally feeling just a bit clouded... by fear, maybe even a bit of self-hatred.

Noticing a prolonged period of silence, Rarity looked down from her haughty little snub to see where the dragon had went to. She was surprised to see that he had not only stayed put, but had grown to twice his size and had jets of Sombra's dark fire coming from his eyes.

"Being dragon really matter?" came the words from Spike, unusually guttural with an older dragon's voice box and King Sombra's rather poor grasp of language. He snatched Rarity up in his claws and swooped her into a dashing pose (not unlike what could be seen on a cover of those trashy romance novels Rarity so enjoyed when she thought nopony was looking).

"Oh my!" swooned Rarity in a typical attack of over-dramatization. She hated to admit it, but Spike was suddenly a lot more strapping, debonaire and (dare she say it) irresistibly arousing!

Her eyes darted to the empty space under her basket weaving counter. "What say you, Sir Spike, we do a little undercover weaving exhibition of our own?"

Spike grinned.

Pinkie Pie capered throughout the streets in her jester outfit, spreading happiness amongst the Crystal Ponies as only she knew how. But now it was time for something a little more serious.

She darted into a dark alley and waited for her eyes to adjust. Gradually, she made out the crystalline brickwork, the rocks, a sack, a bucket, even a rather large ball of dust. She smiled. Good, everypony was here.

"Bucket o' turnips!" She ordered crisply, "Report your findings!" Her shout caused the bucket to jump, nearly spilling its contents, but it remained silent.

"I see. Have you turned up anything of note, Sir Lintsalot?" The ball of lint was much less talkative than usual.

Pinkie Pie turned her gaze to the pile of rocks. It just sat there, sheepishly.

The pink pony frowned, "Even you, Madam LaFlour?" The sack of flour drooped.

Her eyes shifting between the various inanimate objects, Pinkie Pie pondered the situation. What to do? Clearly the troops had returned empty-hooved. This was bound to reflect badly on morale.

A thought struck that summoned a naughty little smirk. The pony began removing her jester's outfit, slowly, one piece at a time.

This situation clearly called for a morale-building exercise.

In the Crystal Kingdom library's secret antechamber, Twilight Sparkle began to read even more feverously, her breath coming in short spurts, a fore hoof wandering in the direction of her virgin nether.

The gladiator's tent flap had been securely fastened shut. Rainbow Dash finished reattaching the practice lance to her armor, and brought its huge blunted ball point to bear, looming ever closer to Fluttershy. The shy little pegasus shuddered. Was this going to hurt? She bit her lip. She dearly hoped it would hurt.

Under the basket weaving counter, Spike looked back and forth between Rarity's luxurious white underbelly and those gorgeous expectant eyes. Now that he was down here, he was not entirely sure what to do. Oh well, he was sure to figure this out eventually!

Pinkie Pie capered about the alley, carrying as many of her inanimate friends on her back she could. "Yes, Rocky, yes!" crowed Pinkie Pie, "Even you can be on the traveling grocery stand of love!"

"NOW WHAT IN TARNATION IS GOING ON HERE?!" boomed Applejack's voice, drowning out all else.

From the disheveled pile of zoned-out ponies sitting in the middle of Twilight Sparkle's library back in Ponyville, the minds of five young ponies and a dragon wrenched themselves back into reality, shaking a dark red aura from their eyes.

Propped up against one of the walls of the library was a very familiar black door, the very same that had once held Twilight and Spike trapped in their worst nightmares in the bowels of the Crystal Kingdom castle. Next to it stood Applejack, who slammed the door with a hoof and stared crossly at her friends.

Twilight Sparkle was the first to open her mouth, "Um-"

"Shut it." drawled Applejack sternly. "I tol' ya this here door would be nuthin' but trouble, and yer tryin' to magic it from being a doora nightmares to a doora dreams was just a-gunna go awry, n' I see I was right!"

Everypony else in attendance (Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Spike) all looked just a bit ashamed of themselves.

"That's wut I thought." said the farm pony, "Come on, Twi, help me load it on mah wagon outside. Reckon it'll at least make some decent wood ta patch up th' farm."

"But-" cried the magenta unicorn weakly.

"No buts!" The earth pony stood firm.

Being an enchanted door is not the most pleasant job in the world. First, it was granted rudimentary sentience by King Sombra to act as some kind of Crystal Castle booby-trap. It was so boring sitting around in that basement alone most of the time!

But then it had to be picked up by this silly purple unicorn. She seemed to know quite a bit about magic, but she was clearly over her head here, and her meddling gave the door such a headache!

Now, things had gone from bad to worse. For most ponies, it was able to deal with them by ensnaring them in some kind of mental trap. For some reason, it did not work on this tawny earth cowpony. It was as though... as though this pony was far more interested in the door than anything the door had to show her.

As it was loaded aboard her wagon, Applejack secretly ran a hoof along the door's wooden surface and mumbled something too quiet for anypony else to hear. "Mmm, solid applewood. If Bloomberg was still here, he would be so jealous..."

As the wagon trundled off to Sweet Apple Acres, the door felt something it never felt before... genuinely creeped out.