Gak is the word for this.
Welcome to: The Sordid Sinister Sick Story of Slaver Sombra Sombrero Slinkenheimer.
You have been warned... no wait... you haven't... oh well.
By Darkon Industries... we have no clue what you mean when you say we're insane.
Long ago when the crystal empire flourish there were no rulers, just a democracy which made it an empire. It was all just crystal ponies and then Sombra came along started to infect the lands the pure crystal heart protected to start his kingdom of three. That was himself, his beloved wife and his long forgotten child lost to history.
This is how he gained his wife, his child and how he lost his empire all within the same day. Left only to become a shadow of his former shelf… no, that wasn’t a typo, he literally becomes a shelf in this story.
Sombra had managed to do everything in the villains hoofbook, he’s managed to enslave an entire populace, he’s managed to destroy hope throughout his kingdom and all he had left to do was breed and then he’d do the final thing any villain does… they piss off the most powerful heroic being around and at the time currently... it was Celestia and Luna the duo that recently dealt with the chaos being Discord. Good thing he was currently under their radar so he’d have time to get his system of constant annoyances running that would be hard to stamp out.
“I decree as my first act as dark overlord is… you are all forced to wear sombreros while I’m in power! Chains are the other option if you don’t like the sombreros.” He cackled madly as he started forcing sombreros on a few ponies he liked, but most of them he didn’t like it and as such they were in chains by the end of the day.
The next day he stood at his balcony of the semi dark crystallized palace in the center of the kingdom forcing them to toil on the crystal kingdoms palace outer walls. What did he have them doing you might ask? He had them crystal ponies toiling away building a staircase! It was a glorious rising, spiraling and sensually pleasing pure white staircase… he grinned maniacally. After several days it was finished and he even got to put the finished touches on it, he protected it from any ground bound crystal pony wanting to tarnish it with his dark door spell; the staircase would be his ultimate treasure.
“Now all of you go read a book or something, you have the rest of the day off! Just don’t look at the tower or what I’m doing with the staircase for a day or two.” Sombra yelled in a dark manner while waggling his clouds of darkness for emphasis. They as the crystal ponies always were, a spineless lot since he took the crystal heart and quickly they heeded him.
It was eight months later of living that things changed.
Everything had almost continued normally except for the increase in fattening foods like nachos and cherry chimichonga’s filled with crystal berries keeping their spirits up. It wasn’t bad enough he was forcing them to wear ridiculously chafing chains or sombreros, he was also forced them to celebrate a weird holiday with candy skulls and honoring their dead for some reason when he didn’t care one iota about their dead. In fact Sombra hadn’t killed anyone in his usurpation of their empire, though his evil laughter and pranks on the populace didn’t make them feel anything but curiosity at why he wasn’t doing anything hyper violent. This was just the cusp of the strange things Sombra did while in power.
Then this happened.
“GAK! NEED DOCTOR aghhaejfkadhjlhvlkjwerm!” Yes him; Sombra, actually took the time to enunciate each syllable in ‘aghhaejkadhjlhvlkjwerm’, but his will was law and he quickly received a doctor who he dragged into a secret downward staircase from his throne which closed off in seconds upon dissappearing.
A scant five hours later a crying was heard throughout the kingdom and then the doctor was forced to announce their odd slaving king’s newest addition to the kingdom.
“I don’t know how I managed it, but… people of the Crystal Em…” Before the doctor continued, Sombra was in his face.
“Ponies and Kingdom…” He hissed thoroughly, waggling his eyebrows threaten… well as threateningly as waggling ones eyebrows could be.
“Ahem yes, ponies of the dark crystal kingdom… our esteemed ruler has somehow… procreated.” Shouts of horror followed this announcement, what pony had he subjected forcefully to his bed? Sure he may have seemed kind of odd before, but this sounded truly evil of him.
“NOT FINISHED!” Sombra yelled spreading his darkness over the kingdom until all the crystal ponies were whimpering. He pointed to the doctor to continue after using his royal Canterlot Voice even if he wasn’t an alicorn or even knew what Canterlot was in the Uncanny Valley that would eventually become the Ever Free Forest.
“Right… well… this may disturb all of you so the squeamish may want to look away and cover their ears while muttering ‘this isn’t happening’. King Sombra has made a decree allowing this much.” Taking note that the morbid curiosity of the crystal ponies had won out as to what Sombra has managed to do now, the doctor sighed and inhaled before delivering the news that was horrifying as it was intriguing. “Eight months ago we built a grand staircase going up around the crystal kingdom central tower… also eight months ago, our King Sombra …”
Despite their dull somewhat horrid existence the crystal ponies were going through they leaned in, this was in completely interesting as to what the insane king has done this time.
“Well I wouldn’t say he technically did anything to the staircase against it's will… I mean it’s not exactly against an existing will so it was willingly allowing him to have fun with… it?” Sombra growled at the doctor causing him to quickly backtrack. “HER, I mean her. Still I don’t even think this was feasibly possible, but he somehow managed it.”
Sombra smiled and nodded for him to continue after he paused to cower in fright at Sombra’s grand dark masculinity.
“That lead to the grand white staircase to get pregnant… if any of you are wondering why we hadn’t noticed anything had happened to it after the few days we were told to look away… well it is white. Also it took him a week to clean it off after he was done, he told me that he is very proud of that and to say that to all of you.” Doctor whimpered at the grinning mad eyed unicorn standing as he breathes lightly on the doctor’s ear while staring wild eyed at the crowd. The crowd was hoping the king didn’t do anything horrid to him like make him read the unfunny comic strips in the newspaper out loud to amuse him again. “Today; goddess knows how, it gave birth to a baby pony with a bit of a spring in her step. Technically she’s a... completely healthy pony… um say hello to princess Silver Slinky or most better known as Silvia Sproing Slinkenheimer the first... and hopefully last... in her lineage!”
The crowd was more curious then horrified of the big eyed baby pony whose ears were triangular springs, her mane and tail was a curly and springy in the color of her father. Her eyes were a rich white gleaming color like the staircase with red pupils and deep purple sclera, her body… well it was silver and her mouth, head, neck, legs and torso were all made of springs.
The days that followed before Sombra was to commit suicide in a ritualistically villainous fashion as the hoofbook dictated, he spent all his time with his daughter in a doting fashion. The crystal ponies didn’t begrudge him playing with his disturbing daughter or pushing her down her mother to watch as she flipped down a good hundred thousand stairs or so. Surprisingly enough Princess Silver's digestive system could handle normal pony food as much as the Marexican being force on them and she was a completely healthy… spring pony… that’s the word for it.
Then one day when his daughter was ten, he called her into the throne room.
“Dog gir! It un pleasure to be wonderbar parent, but parents stay here… you go away and find great happiness on own! Sorry, but GAKKY will die now.” Sombra saw the tears in his metallic bodied daughter who was born of the mortar and a spiraling brick wall, she sprung up to him and gave him a fierce hug and then quickly fled the kingdom.
A day later Luna and Celestia would arrive and forced him six feet under… what many thought was a curse from him was the staircase biding her time to free his soul from the ground. His body had already been woodened upon death forming his own casket, for he became a desk. It was the most horrible thing the staircase could think would ever happen to him, but he still went through with that stupid plan to send a messenger to Celestia proclaiming her trolling skills to be lackluster.
As for princess Silver Slinky… eventually she married a griffon on a dare… which led to the Pie family being born and its offshoots only known as the Secret Staircase Society.
“BARK BARK, BARK BARK BARK, RUFF BARK GRRR!” Thus Screwloose finished the story of their history to little Screwball, Discord had managed to get his spirit out of the statue when some filly unicorn released a powerful blast of magic in a chaotic form, which was directly after a little pegasus pony let loose a chaotic rainbow explosion in the sky. He sought out someone to hopefully fill him with a renewed loving chaos to give him the power to eventually break free with the right kind of catalyst.
Thus Screwloose fell in love and Screwball was born a mostly normal earth pony with mild chaos magic powers from her father's side.
Screwballs reached up and petted her mother gently trying not to seem as crazy as her mother was not because that all actually happened. Screwball was still free and allowed to visit her mommy in the psyche ward.
Screwball got up and left with a newfound sense of knowledge about where drywall comes from.
The end.
