Handsome Jack In Equestria

by East Coast

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Sex, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Princess Luna
Length: 6295

The C.E.O of Hyperion and savior of pandora fins himself in the mystical lands of equestria!

The funny thing about being C.E.O of the company that runs the New U stations, is that you can't ever really die. Course, when a bitch load of piss-brained bandits decide it'll be fun to try, the results can come up stranger than expected. When jack died, something went wrong with his respawn leaving him stranded in an awkward place. I mean, it's one thing to have a diamond pony to talk to... But when it can talk back? What do you do? How do you get home? And, most importantly, how do you NOT murder the hell out of that fucking pink one?!

Rated teen for foul language and some arguably sexual moments... Yes, there will be a conflicts with masturbation.

Image by pixlekittie on deviant art. Check him/her out!

EDIT:WRITTEN BEFORE DIAMOND (crystal) PONIES WERE CANNON

Published 2012-11-23 22:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-02 13:50:27 UTC

Chapter 1: And then, there was... Jack.

So yeah, if ya didn't read that prolouge, it's K. The names Handsome jack, I'm awesome, I'm the greatest, I did your mom, blah blah blah. Point is, fuck you, and fuck my week. Lose my girlfriend, my kid, my warrior, and my life (and I think my spleen), to some two-bit bandit A-holes who can't count to twelve. But, to make matters worse, I'm stuck here in ponyland. I arrived here, about two hours ago, in a forest, with nothing on me but my pocket watch, and a pistol.

Not bad. I've been stuck with worse.

"I mean shit, I had Moxxi as a girlfriend for more than two months. Not THAT'S hell!"

"Nothing can keep Handsome Jack down, not snow, not slag, not skag, not illiterate bandit jerkoffs. And most definitely Not-"

-THARK WFACK!-

I got hit by a branch.

A branch...

That FELL FROM THE SKY!

Oh no. Not having sky branches mess up my beautiful fa-...

Wait...

No...

Oh god no...

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck! They fucking took it! H-H-How...

...

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FACE!!!!!!"

So yeah, lost my face too...

I always keep a spare but still, it'd have been embaressing to have been seen without it. Anyway, I'll spare you my jig through Everfreak Forrest and get to where I am now.

In a library (yeah, they still have these... Like with books and crap).

So pre-digital elightenment.

"I... I don't think I understand you."

"Well you are a horse so that's no shock, I am HANDSOME-JACK, I OWN HYPERION. I need passage off your stunningly colorful, back-water world, to Pandora so I can shove THIS pistol so far up and down various vault hunter orifices!"

I'm trying to talk to a purple pony and her little purple skag... It's a dragon but god is it as useless as one.

Twilight sat in the library, which was slightly odd as she never "just sat" a day in her life, however there is a first time for everything and today was a first time for many things.

For instance, never before had such a man ranted in her sanctum arborium librarium. When he arrived, this man, his clothing muddy and torn from an exercsion through the everfree forrest, had been babling about vaults, warriors, his week, butt stallions, and somepony(s?) he called "Dick Bags". He was human as far as Twilight could tell, her past experiances teaching her virtually everything she needed to know about these creatures, from mating habbits to politics she knew it all.

This human however, was differant.

He didn't look like a regular human.

He looked like an animated picture.

He had all the dimensions of a human male he just looked, well...

Cartoon-ish...

It didn't help that when Twilight had asked him what had happened, he went into an animated frenzy, acting out the whole conflict in paraphrase.

"Mr...Uhhmm... Jack, I'm truly sorry to hear of your hardship, and you have my deepest condolences for the loss of your daughter but... I'm affraid I don't have the means to send you home..."

Jack deadpanned, mouth slightly agape.

"What?"

"I don't know exactly where you came from, I need to do research before I can send you back safely. If you were from Earth it'd be different. But I've never heard of Pandora. If I'm to send you back safely, I need to know precisely what dimension your pandora lies. Or else something terrible may happen to you."

Jack's expression had gotten worse, what had been simple simple disbelief was now complete and utter "english major in a class on paralell universes explained in wingding", needless to say, the man was confused.

"Oh, sorry. Let me explain, you see every dimension has a magical cordinate, a place on the astral map of the wierd. You are in Equestria. It seems we're a dimension on an 'P' axis, meaning we intersect with any dimension on a 'Y' or 'X' axis. That makes it easy for a dimension on such an axis to collide with ours and leave something behind. But, as those dimensions carry on into the infinate unknown it becomes harder to trace that dimension, thereby making it more difficult to return something left here, back there. So to return you to you're dimension I must discover where yours is, when it collided with ours, and how soon until your dimension will cease to exsist to send you back proper. Any questions?"

"... Are you talking about magic?"

"Yes."

"Then why did you explain all that shit."

Chapter 2:You don't know Jack

What did I do to deserve this? I was a good man, sure I had my share of stumbles but... Enough to warrant... this?

No way. It just wasn't possible. Someone had to be playin' me. Probably Blake, that frickin stooge.

This was just crap.

"listen lightbright-"

"Twilight."

"Not inportant, what is important is that I find what in the hottest hell could be so akin to me, that would cause me to respawn here. Considering that you havent even heard of a lightbulb, I doubt you have a new-u station on this rock sooo I also have to discover how I literaly respawned here, given how it's impossible to spawn without one nearby."

Nothing I didn't plan on doing before, but at least purple knew.

Yeah I'm just going to call these things by colors because, seriously? Nouns and adjectives do not constitute a name...

Unless it's my name.

"Well... I suppose that's somewhat true... There has to be a way to test which pony could- Eurieka! That's it! A test!"

"What? What now?"

"I'll design a test! I'll key it toward your personality and then we'll discover which pony is most like you! Spike, I'll need a quill, 64 liters of ink, and the latest sensus of Equestria!"

"What about paper?"

"I'll be able to get a definate figure after I study that sensus."

Was she serious?

"Are you serious?"

"Tests are not something I take lightly Mr. Jack."

She was serious.

Someone just kill me...

Again...

Twilight was exited, or perhaps anxious it was hard to tell the two appart at times. She whiped around her supplies in a flurry of lavender lights as Jack followed the flying items with his eyes, bemused from the display.

"Hate to burst your bubble kid, wait no. I'm actually going to enjoy this quite a bit, ahem, that aint-how respawn-works-you fool. Personality doesn't matter for jack shit."

"But it is how magic works. Now please Mr. Jack, just answer a few questions."

Twilight steadied her quill over a scroll, letting the papper unravel back to the wall.

Just a few questions.

The night dwindled into day and back again. Jack checked his watch, his eyes heavy beyond all reason. If it was right (which would make it possibly the best watch sense EVER!) It was four a.m. Two days from whence they'd begun.

"How many-"

"Nine."

"But I didn't-"

"Don't care. We've been up wahaaayy past jacky's bed time. It is now time, for all the good little trans-dimensional bad asses, that's me, and freaky little purple things, that's you two. To go-to fucking-sleep!"

Twilight sighed, Jack had been rude and unapproachable sense his arrival. It was safe to assume, given the events that brought him here had much to do with that. Twilight believed that this human needed a nice cat-nap.

"I'll stay up and work on this. I'm pretty sure I can fill out the rest from the pattern of you're previous responses. You're welcome to-"

"Use your pony-bed?"

"No. As I said, you're not my first human I have a comfortable, human-sized bed for just this sort of occaison. It is just through that door and down the stairs. Oh! And pleeeease don't touch anything in my lab? I have only the slightest idea what some things down there will do to ponies, and not a single idea of what they'll do to a human"

"yup, k, thanks mom. I won't play in the kitchen."

/He's just sleepy\

Twilight thought as Handsome Jack sauntered into the basement.

"He just needs some time to coupe."

Chapter 3: Sweet dreams are made of Jack

As I walked down the stairs I took a good look around the room below me.

It was like a retarded childs chemistry set had sex with a power plant and half way through, they vomited magic bobbles everywhere. I had never seen such a nonsensical array of crap sense I first designed the JNK Loaders.

I mean it was neat but... Kinda like an "autistic genius is smart", kind of neat. You know, like, how that doesnt make sense to you, but it makes sense to someone dumber than you kind of thing?

Well that was this 'lab'.

The machines were off...

They had machines and magic...

But no frickin lightbulbs!

Explain that to me!

Oh yeah and the bed she was talking about? Yeah just found it.

It was about 20% lamer than claptrap.

And nobody likes him, I'll let you do the math on that.

It was a bandit bed.

Cheap, crapy metal frame around a shity little cott, overflowing with-Get this-

Hay. Yeah. Hay. As in what you feed horses.

What horses eat, that gets digested, and pooped out at a later date...

I was expected to sleep on a bed of shit...

I'll take "fuck that", for five hundred.

Twilight stared at the list. It was a very large list.

Her haunches trembled a bit as a heat spread throughout her.

A very, very large list.

So many questions, such a word count was so rare to find these days. Punctuated sentences, with proper grammer.

And, this one, this one had a future.

A test.

To help somebody.

Twilight layed her hoof on the rolled up scroll, her cheeks hot and her body ready.

"I'm going to study the fuck out of you."

Twilight inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of her new project... And of something burning.

"Spiiike! I told you you can't send letters after eating bacon, it just burns the paper and leaves the royal palace smelling of brimstone and pork!"

"It's not me Twi, I swear!"

Twilight looked around. Spike was sniffing about like a hound, seeking some illusive game.

"I think it's coming from the basement."

At that, Twilight became alarmed. Handsome jack was in the basement! Years of research on friendship! And she lived in a tree! A fire at the base of her tree home would be ruinous for her livelyhood!

Naturally the only reasonable response was to go down into the would-be inferno and zap it with magic.

And that's exactly what she did, upon teleporting into her basement Twilight found the source of the fire.

The bed had been set aflame and Jack was doing exactly what she told him not to do.

"Jack! What are you doing?! And what in tartaurous happened to the bed?!"

Jack looked up from his work. He had disassembled the machinery Twilight had used to study Pinky and the metal frame that had formerly been around the bed.

"What? Oh heyTwinkle Night, yeah I wasn't going to sleep on that thing. Papa Jack always said 'dont sleep on what somebody might eat if you don't wanna be lunch' and I'm four full courses of awesome, so you see my problem? I had to set it on fire. However, I know how much pony hospitality means and because I'm such a loving, tolerant guy I decided to make you a robot. No need to thank me, just, ya know... You're welcome."

This man.

Was crazy.

Twilight magi-terialised a bucket of water to dowse the flame, and with a deep sigh approached the mad man.

"Jack I-"

"Hold that thought Sprinkle Light, I'm almost done."

This was true. He was indeed almost done with what would Equestria's first robot.

"Ha! Got it!"

He had it.

"Here ya go Dusk Shine. A true, bronyfied, ponyfied, Jack designed, Jack built, Jack approved... Hyperion robot... I give you..."

Jack turned in a flourish, revealing the little polygon on the table.

"CL0P-TRT!"

The little robot rolled off the table and spun around on its one wheel in a display of skill and cuteness.

"Ain't he cute?"

"Hell ya I'm cute! I mean look at me! I'm the king of frickin adorableness-ness!"

"Heh ha... All yours Twilight... All-fucking-yours."

Jack's voice was quiet... And highly venomous.

Chapter 5:Baker Jack, Farmer Jack, Designer Jack, Rainbow Jack... Singer Jack? pt.2

I have to say, for a sleep deprived, pastel purple pony.

She's a phenominal organizer.

No really, I've been here less than four days and she already had the country taking the "Are you a hero?" quiz...

A whole damn country...

Blake couldn't do that in his soaking wet, secretary/ butlery, dreams.

Butlery is now a word, it's a thing.

Jack paced impatiently, stopping only to drum his fingers on a table or Spike's head.

"C'mon Twinkle Star gimme some good news!"

Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes as she corrected tests she had designed not 24 hours prior.

A test givin to everypony...

Everypony...

"What's taking so long? Have you found my double yet?"

"This is a process Jack, I can't exactly just read all of these things at once and tell you! It's a margin, a scale of sorts. There are any number of ponies who could be-"

Jack spun Twilight around, grabbing her horn to do so. As he spoke he would jerk his arm, rattling Twilight's brain.

"You listen to me you purple glue-stick, I don't have the patience for this crap. Get me the top ten results, and we'll pay them a visit. How's that sound?"

It sounded like Jack was about ready to kill a filly.

" Y-Yeah... I-I think I can-"

"Don't think, just do it."

Jack released Twilight with a slight shove and made his way to the door.

"Get me some results Twilight, I know you can do it!"

Jack was out of the door, into Ponyville. Leaving Twilight trembling slightly. In truth she had felt Jack was just... Eccentric... Now though...

He needed to go.

Soon.

__________

Sometimes I think to myself. 'Jack, why do you bother? People, ponies, bandits... They're all the same. Not litterally of course, but spiritually. They're all stupid. They're all. Just... Just... I mean... Could it be that this whole thing, this whole be the hero thing. Is it really worth it? Is... Is enlightening these primitives really, really worth your time?' Then I say... Yes. Yes it is. But why? Why is spending all this time, all these resources, all this... Talent. On these vermin. Why is it worth it? I'll tell you why.

Family.

Family, and honor.

Yeah, before I was the man I am today, I was a slightly lesser man. Only a slightly lesser man. But I had a family. I had a beautiful wife, a lovely daughter.

God my daughter...

I loved them both. I loved them both so much, I wanted to give them everything.

And I don't mean that just in the cheesy, feely, lovie dovie kind of way.

I was preparing to do what every good dad wants to do.

Give his baby girl the world...

It would worked too...

If it weren't for those meddling vault hunters!

Seriously! Why couldn't they have just been the pawns I needed?! Or have jumped off a freaken cliff! But noooo! Instead of playing the gentlemens' game of people chessmonopolisk (chess, monopoly, and risk all rolled into one fuster cluck of mens board-games) they decide to flip the table, and play fricken TIC-TAC-mother humpin-TOE!

Just...

What-the-fuck...

C'mon you agree right?

Ok seriously though, I don't even know what to call you.

Huh...

yup gotit-Buttstallion 2.0.

I'ma callin ya Buttstalion 2.0...

Make that 2.1...

I just realized I hate zeros.
________________

Twilight sat, truamatized by Jack's change in disposition.

That is to say, his sanity...

Or therelackof.

Spike approached Twilight, a mix of fear and concern in his voice.

"Twilight are you okay?"

" I think so, yes. But I think we should hurry. Jack already set fire to a bed and dismantled my laboratory... And he was just being sour then... I don't want to risk what he may do if I don't hurry!"

Spike looked at his dearest friend, frowning, then smiled and swept a good chunk of the paper work in front of him.

" You mean if 'we' don't hurry. Where's that rubric?"

Twilight smiled and pulled her assistant into a warm hug and floating him a quil.

"Thank you Spike now, let's get to work!"

Author's Note

Next time...

More ClopTrot...

Chapter 5:Baker Jack, Farmer Jack, Designer Jack, Rainbow Jack... Singer Jack? pt.3a; Clop Trot's day out... or IN as it were...

Jack walked out of the library. Unable to quite settle his mind. He was close so fucking close! He could smell the sweet smell of laser chared bandit, bandit nuts roasting on the fire, bandit tit flambe, asshole alamode...

Such fragrences weren't quite enough to distract him from his surroundings, the bustle of the pony town around him. Mares and Stallions trotting along, talking and gossiping. Living... Primitive as much as their life was, they did enjoy some semblance of... Civilized life...

What was it like to do this? When had he actually sat down and just... Talked... Not gloated, not swore, not threatened or made a sarcastic quip... The concept was becoming...

Alien.

Then he pushed all that namby pamby, sissy shit into a deep dark pit he made in his stomach loooong ago, specially made for such useless, dickless unmanlyness type thoughts. Instead he decided his time would be best served by looking for the spiritual successors to the wastes of flesh that murdered him. That would give him a starting point on the revenge he was oh so looking forward to.

And of course, this wouldn't be my writing style for jack if in fact I was not leading into a pony.

And what a pony to lead into!

As Jack looked up, wondering if his double lay within the castle over the horrizon the most stunning thing caught his eyes.

A sight so bold, so transcendant that one would have to make it an easteregg in a video game...

Perhaps even several.

Jack had only seen this display of purity in its most awesome and inspiring of forms once before...

"M-My god..."

Naturally, when he saw a strange object, attached to this expression of concentrated greatness he had to discover what could possibly be so wonderous, so awesome, so... HIM to naturally grow this god-like phenomenon...

And while he ran toward the horrizon, chasing a blur, we turn our omniscent, poor grammer filled gaze onto a young robot, with so much potential. So much apptitude, so much power, that its creater sealed it away within the most foul of dungeons... O.k yeah it's just Clop Trot stuck in the basement... Neither Twilight nor jack carried it out...

Why you may ask?

Well... Would you?

"Twilight do you here something?"

"No. Why?"

"It's... It's kinda like... A noise..."

Twilight chuckled at her walking fax machine.

"Well if you heard something, it had to a been a noise. One does not simply hear visuals."

This was true, in fact one could not simply do anything these days. The dragon's ears perked up as he followed his heart thing to the place to do stuff. His keen sense of obscure descriptions and confusing narrative ultimately lead him to the door of the basement.

"It's coming from down there."

Twilight sighed, she was tempted to remove her basement, or ward it with the strongest 'STAY THE FUCK OUT' spell she knew. She felt somehow, having this basement would bring untold grief and unending headaches upon her.

"Leave it be Spike. I'm a little too tired of dealing with the goings on of my basement.

A Very Handsome Hearts and Hooves day(also not relevant to story)

Today is a day where most ponies find themselves so very busy.
Rushing and rushing,
Everyone is in a tizzy.

For today is Hearts 'n Hooves day,
there is no time to wait,
there must be no delay.

On this day the ponies of Equestria do sing,
special somepony's hugging and kissing,
some even present rings.

On this day all are so happy,
not a frown to be found,
no morning crappy.

All save one, a miserable jerk.
Who is no pony, no not at all.
But he has opposable thumbs, so that's a perk.

He is in the library, more specifically the most scientific of basements.
Nopony knows what he does,
most assume he laments.

For not long ago he did lose his daughter and lover.
Killed by bandits;
some terrible monster.

So he sits in that place, locked away.
Hating and despising,
loathing the very day.

"Three hours in, and this already sucks.
How do they do- I mean to say,
how do they fuck?"

Yes he was mad, the man had no fucks.
It was as he said,
for him this sucks.

"What can I do? What can I say?
To ruin their fun,
to destroy this day?!"

He paced to and fro.
Something had to be done.
He could not let this go.

"Poison their coffee? Dump their tea?
No! That's lame!
What's wrong with me!"

He paced and paced, looking around.
When he did see
a little bot on the ground.

Angular, kinda shaped like a brick.
It was laying down,
so Jack gave it a kick.

"Get up you! Get your ass up!"

The robot turned to jack and just said-

" 'Sup."

Jack smiled at his plan, so devious and well thought.
He knew he could win
With the help of this robot.

"You Clop-trot, I need your help."

He picked up the thing,
and it gave a short yelp.

"How would you like a to give me a hand?
I need your help,
to fulfill my master plan."

The robot did squee
but as it had just awoken

"Yes master! But first, can I go pee?"

We turn our gaze now, to a lovely young duo,
blissfully unaware
the misfortune did follow.

"Oh rarity, thanks so much for the advice."

"Just tell him what you think,
you don't have to be nice."

"Oh but I do, you see he's a close friend.
I wouldn't want to sound mean,
I most certainly don't want to offend."

"Listen Fluttershy, there's no need to hold back.
It's disgusting darling,
if he won't wash his sack."

Jack had heard enough,
he knew what to do.

He would follow the yellow one, and mess with her stuff.

Following her like he had planned,
Jack saw a big red stallion,
and he knew his moment was at hand.

Turning to clop-trot in a furious haste,
Jack addressed the bot,
with not a moment to waste.

"Listen up now, here's the plan.
Come in closer
and I'll tell you my scam."

As the two talked, the shy pony tried
to approached the red stallion
She very nearly died.

"Uhmmm err g-g-good morning bic mac...
I-I-if it's ok...
Can we talk about uhmm... y-y-your sack?"

She whispered the last word, so only the two could hear
as he finished her phrase
the stallion did real.

"Nope."

"oh b-b-but it's j-j-just k-kinda, thilthy a-and gross...
a-and I'd l-like to clean it...
I-If you'll let me that c-close."

The stallion thought on this, with a great deal of surprise.
He looked at her,
with a glean in his eye.

"Eeyup."

And with that the two ponies took off
leaving jack in the dust,

he gave a loud grown as clop-trot coughed.

They followed her home, they heard moans and grunts from inside.
Jack mad a sick cough,
he almost cried.

"Alright, come now little robot of mine.
This is it!
This is the perfect time!"

"While they do their horizontal mash,
we will wreck her coupe,
all her things we will smash!"

As the duo grew closer, the moans grew louder
jack did frown
one would think he'd be prouder.

Poor fluttershy, so little an small
did her very best
to take it all.

Cleaning Mac's sack was no easy feat.
It was so big, so bouncy
a challenge to beat.

She shook it quite hard, getting the crud out
it was a big nasty thing
so she tried to shout.

She was actually very good with the large handsome sack
the big bouncy thing
that belonged to big mac.

it bounced up and down, quite fast like a race
fluttershy smiled
as it smacked her face.

jack, under the cover of moans
did start to destroy
everything that she owned.

With a hard kick here,
and swift punch there
he knew his vengeance was near.

however these acts did not go unnoticed
the little young angle, a very cute bunny
would ensure swift justice was realized, sententia de mortis!

With rapid movement, a speed he did reach
that was only possible
on rabbit's feet.

He entered the home,
which now smelled of
the great orgies of roam.

With great vigor did angle join in
the fun had been doubled
the enjoyment could begin.

between grunts and groans angle did aim
out the window at Jack
and the flowers he did maim.

The tired, sweaty, sticky fluttershy
did flutter outside
and began to cry.

Within her soapy wet hooves did she hold a sack
it was filthy
made of burlap.

"Did I not do a good job?
I'm so sorry
Should I have used a bigger swab?"

Jack looked on the sad little mare
his heart twinged slightly.
Did he really care?!

He had thought, with all the things that were said
they had to be busy
screwing in bed.

jack looked at the sad little mare
his heart broke, shattered by guilt.
He did care!

He walked over, kneeling low only to say
"Don't worry little girl,
I'll fix the mess I made."

Well it was then, well in ponyville they say
that Handsome Jack's heart
Grew three sizes that day.

With the swiftness of god, a fire in his heart.
He began to repair
all he'd torn apart.

He fixed her coupe and her fence
he replanted her flowers
he fed all the hens.

The crew did watch this former jackass
make amends for the first time
his meanness a thing of the past.

Once he was finished, fluttershy smiled
through old tears
she asked him to stay awhile.

They cleaned the icky sack
of one
big mac,
sending him home
along with clap-trap.

Now the two were alone, jack smiled at the horse.
His true plan prepared.
He would do much worse.

He gently pulled her closer, fluttershy not caring
she kissed his cheek
what an odd pairing.

With a slow cold stare, they turned to the author.
pleading eyes told him
"spare the reader the torture."

But he hardly listened, this too would pass
so he wrote this anyway
just like a jackass.

She took him there, right on the coach.
He smirked as he began to kiss her

she said ouch.

And then they did it.

Author's Note

Happy hearts 'n hooves everypony

Chapter 6: Jack and that one pony who did the thing.

Handsome Jack being the most athletic and adventurous of entrepreneurial geniuses of manly sexy-beastliness ran as fast as he could.

And he could run pretty fast...

Like... Super, duper, woop-de-looper alliuper fast...

That's Tigger fast homes...

Tigger fast...

You can't even comprehend that speed.

It's incalculable to the human mindo-sphere.

Do it, try to freakin calculate how fucking super duper whoop-de-looper aluiper fast Handsome Jack is going, here here let me start you off.

Handsome Jack leaves your moms house after a week of fucking her silly, He leaves your room after defiling it with your slutty mom's dirty juices at super duper whoop-de-looper aliuper speed...

You die because your brain is too tiny to comprehend this copious amount of mathematical awesomeness...

Moron...

Rainbow Dash was flying through the daylight sky. It was a brilliant blue, partly cloudy to provide ponies with a little shade from the warm spring sun shine. Rainbow Dash was skipping work, most likely to go be a general nuisance with Pinkie Pie, destroy Apple Jack's property, break through Twilight's window, break through Fluttershy's window, or maybe she was just going to contemplate why she hadn't been asked to join the Wonderbolts given she was the only pony who could preform a sonic rainboom... Never mind the fact she quit school at age six and was technically the only pony who could preform a sonic rainboom as she was the only pony who had a rainbow mane...

Yes there were many things the most amazing pegasus in equestria who's accomplishments included dropping out of school, peeping on and making out with her best friend who may or may not be gay (I mean really. can Fluttershy reallly say no to romantic advances? I don't think so... I don't think so), antagonizing the general populace, destroying public property, and being wrong more often than any other pony...

Well she was flying you see, because honestly this is all she is good at and even then there's at least seven other ponies who are better at it than her... Well she's flying and doing nothing whatsoever because she's lazy and useless and yadda, yadda, yadda... But you see Handsome Jack is following her so it's mildly important we talk about her...

"Hey! Hey! You! Pride parade! Slow down! C'mon I just wanna talk!"

Rainbow Dash, being a total idiot didn't quite understand english being an elementary school drop out, or at least didn't seem to. Because if she did she would have obeyed the truly handsome individual who was not running out of breath and in fact slower than a super sonic flying pony.

"Hey! Talkin to you danger zone! Get down here so I can try talking to you! We can even pretend you're smart enough to understand me! C'mon!"

Finally it seemed Rainbow Dash learned how to hear because she looked down to the most handsome man in equestria and her face seemed to contort into one of a reminiscent sadness.

"daddy?"

She slowed to a hover and descended to the ground, her eyes glassed over a bit as she slowly approached Handsome Jack.

"daddy? ohmygosh..."

Handsome Jack having previously been quite interested in the cool little pony... Now that it was looking like a simpering little dog he wasn't so sure. She had a rainbow lightning bolt on her ass, a bitchin mane, this pony was the coolest thing he'd seen since he'd gotten here... Which may not be saying much but hey... Gotta get your awesome where ya can right?

"Hey kiddo... What's up? Huh? You okay? Oh don't tell me you're crazy too... Fuck you're crazy too..."

"Daddy!"

"Why did the one cool one have to have daddy issues..."

REEEEEEEESSSSPAAWWWN!(a prologue)

Hey there! my name is Handsome Jack. I am president, C.E.O, el commandante, numereo del uno and the de facto owner of the Hyperion corporation. Maybe you heard of me, course you have.

So, dear reader (that is, if you are ACTUALLY reading this and not just some illiterate bandit trash) can I tell you about my weak?

Yes, yes I can.

It's been a pretty good one let me tell ya.

Woke up, had breakfast, blinked, eared a quarter of an infinity dollars (yeah it's possible), talked to my kid, boned my hot ass girlfriend, duped some vault hunters, almost killed them, sent them on a quest to 'liberate Pandora' which really is Handsomelish (that's my new language bt-dubs) for 'play them like suckers so I can wipe out the crimson raiders', boned my hot ass girlfriend AGAIN, bought a diamond pony, named it Butt Stallion after those asswipe vault hunters and uhmmm... You know, pretty good day. Then pretty much I was just winning all over I mean really i was winning in like, two, three like eleven places at once? That's decemyria-winning for those who don't know what a 100,000 sided shape is. Then for like, the next few days i had some witty banter and I killed that dumb bird and that piss-ant sniper was all like 'wahhh you killed my dumb bird! Arrrrgh! I have to shoot things and get drunk cause moxxi dumped me for Handsome Jack, wahhhh!" and cool shit like that right?

...

Then it all got fucked!

They killed my girlfriend, they killed my daughter, they killed my giant ass god-like all powerful alien warrior!

Then!

Oh and you're gonna love this one, best joke ever comin up here.

They killed ME!

Ha!

Ha ha!

Sooooo freakin funny right?

Hold on! Hold on, I'm laughing soooo hard I have to stop writing, as so I can hold my splitting sides!

Ha!

...

Yeah soo... Death, kinda a set back. No big, I own frickin Hyperion, New-Me's are nothin...

'Cept of course, when some jackhole in another fuckin universe some how shares enough in common with you, that you re-digitize ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way in East frickin Bum-Fuck ponyland!

Oh yeah, I let that out didn't I?

Yeah, I'm in ponyland.

Yeah no, not like Butt Stallion diamond ponies, but like... Pastel, rainbow, cartoon fucking ponies...

So... Yeah... Real fucking busy this week!

You know what?

Whatever.

I don' t care, I mean it. I really don't.

Why would I? I'm on a world where the ponies fly, and bake and shoot, like, magic lightning bolts from their frickin horns!

This is awesome!

This is the best!

And you know what...

I can always rebuild.

First things first though.

Gotta find the rip-off, jack-off who caused my respawn here.

And murder the fuck out of him.

Chapter 4: Baker Jack, Farmer Jack, Designer Jack, Rainbow Jack... Singer Jack? pt.1

Hooooooooooo man! I got that purple sumbitch! Oh god yes!

You ever get that feeling during sex, when you look at your tough as shit girlfriend and you just see that face?

You know the one.

The one that if anybody else saw they'd just fall over in orgasmic spasms?

No?

Well I guess if everyone were as skilled as me, I wouldn't be where I am, huh?

Ohhhh man...

I mean...

Mmmmm!

SO GOOD!

I gave her a claptrap...

...

Maybe...

Maybe I am evil...

...

NAHHHHHH, bitch deserved it.

I also can't help but draw some lines between Purple and that Tanis chick from back home...

Maybe...

Maybe there's a parallel for all those ass holes on Pandora!

If that's the case...

I may need more parts...
________________________

Twilight Sparkle looked at the little... Contraption set before her by the refugee from another plane. It was a rough, three dimensional, trapazoid. It rolled about on a single wheel and had a single, glowing, green eye. It's thin little scrap metal arms were attached somewhere within it's frame and it seemed able to tuck them in itself to make for... Convenient storage?

Indeed the little robot was... Cute...

"Clop Trot in the tris-ouse!"

But stunningly annoying.

" You know. Because you live in a tree. So, the tree is your house. Tris-ouse... It's a play on of words. So, the slang 'his-ouse' means home, or place but because you don't live in a-

Stunningly, stunningly annoying.

Jack smiled and gave the little bot a push towards Twilight, who recoiled slightly, thinking that it may explode, given Jack's surprising proficiency to cause destruction.

"Jack... How exactly did you start that fire?"

"Oh easy, Hyperion incinderary pistol. Yeaaah I only got about twenty-nine shots left but hell, all your homes are made of wood and hay. If it came to it, I could probably burn this whole damn town to the ground... Not that I would. That's some bandit shit, 'm I right? Spoilers, yeah I am."

Twilight had been wrong.

There was indeed a first time for everything.

This man...

This man...

Was a jack ass.

"Jack... I... Do you realize-?"

"That your house is a frickin' tree? Thaaaat if the fire had caught you'd be one fucked little bookworm? Yeah. Yeah I noticed that."

"And you..."

"Did it anyway? Yup, pretty much. Ahhhh I knew it'd be fine. I mean you keep a dragon around so I figured you wouldn't mind to much."

Twilight thought on this. It was true, though not as potent as a that of a full grown member of his species, Spike's breath could possibly burn down their home...

She made a mental note then to build spike a dog house...

Or fireproof the tree...

"Well... I... I have no place to put you now."

"Ahhh it's fine, ya know, because it was a bed made out of what would become your fecies sooo I'm not really missing out. Plus, building robots and setting poorly made, primitive, crap on fire really wakes me up. Seriously, some wheaty branflakes and a granola and I'll fell right at home... Well, minus all the awesome shit I own."

Jack smiled and passed Twilight briskly, running his fingers through her mane only a little harshly as he passed.

"C'mon Stary Night. Time'sa waistin'."

Jack strode up the stairs, a swagger in his step Twilight only saw in canterlot elitists... And occaisionly Rarity. Twilight sighed and hung her head, realizing the only way to to relieve herself of this examplar of arrogance was to help him get home.

"This is going to be a long day."